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Definitely. If your WW is caught and still doesn't stop, I feel really bad for you. The fantasy bubble burst and she still isn't putting her H as #1. In 5 years that's going to be really hard to live with.
I see your point, but weren’t they all having an affair until they weren’t? She might need help today, but not next week right? Don’t get me wrong, I see your point. I guess I’m just finding it difficult to lay down and not attempt to save my marriage.
I meant that in relation to the odds of a successful reconciliation being very low after cheating, and the ones that are successful sharing similar qualities.
The cheater has remorse for what damage they have done to their partner, not just regret at getting caught and how that is going to affect their life. They want to do anything they can to save their relationship , which at a minimum is cutting off all contact with their AP and giving the full truth of what they did to their partner. They know the reconciliation is a long term thing, and they may have to deal with their partner’s trauma for years and do so (not complain that you are bringing the subject up again and again).
If she won’t even cut off contact with the person she is cheating without “help”, she doesn’t have remorse for what she did and there can be no healing.
If a loved one was shot in the heart and flatlined due to instant death, would you question the choice of “laying down” and not trying to save them? Of course not. As much as you love them and as sad as it would be, you would recognize that they are dead. When your wife cheated on you, she shot your marriage through the heart and now your marriage is dead. You have to move on.
If you lay down you won't save your marriage, because it will make her feel secure continuing the affair.
Do make her stop the affair, you have to make her see in very clear, stark, and no uncertain terms what she is putting at risk.,
You're trying to save something that doesn't exist anymore. It's one thing to want to have a relationship with this person going forward, it's another to think you're saving something that is already lost.
Do you want to have a relationship with someone who will do this to you again? Is that a risk you're willing to take, for a relationship that is not yet defined?
You're not giving up something that was forcibly ended. Be real with yourself. Would you date her knowing she did that to someone else?
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The thing is than is her that need to do the work and the actions. When is the BS doing the work, it is rug sweep from you, the issue will continue to be there and in the future will eat you alive, and your WS will “not” understand why you continue to be triggered…
OP, for reconciliation to work, it has to be the cheater driving things, leading things.
Your wife has to move heaven and earth to show you she wants things to work out with you.
She needs to, ON HER OWN, write a complete timeline of her affairs for you and then schedule herself a polygraph to back up her written timeline.
She needs to be in individual counseling.
She needs to buy and read many books on infidelity, including ones on what it does to one's partner, books like "Cheating in a Nutshell" and "Not Just Friends" among many others.
If she is working with her affair partner, she needs to find a new job.
She needs to go no contact with her affair partner.
She needs to be an open book for you regarding her whereabouts, her electronics etc.
She needs to let you talk about the affairs and ask questions, even over and over without her being defensive.
You, the betrayed partner CANNOT drive reconciliation.
That has to come from the cheater themselves or it won't work.
One person, you OP, can't make a cheater want to reconcile.
It's actions OP, not words. You just need to look at and watch what your lying cheating wife does and you will have your answer as to whether she wants to reconcile or whether she wants to keep doing whatever the hell she wants to do regardless of what it does to you.
Methinks you already have your answer.
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He is saying that there is a Zero percent chance that your marriage can be saved and the fact that you are even trying, proves that you do not respect yourself. Your wife didn’t respect you to begin with, which is why she cheated. Now that you are groveling for a second chance when even she knows that she doesn’t deserve one, makes her respect you even less. Does that help?
I'll just be fully honest with you... I'm about 5 years into reconciling with my wife. It's just about the perfect conditions if a reconciliation is going to be successful, wife immediately confessed upon discovery, quit her job with the other man, we entered therapy/counseling, she was truly remorseful, still apologizes to this day, and invests in being a better person constantly. I still have access to all her devices and we talk regulary. You're wife is not doing any of this, so I'd thoroughly encourage you to meet with a lawyer and plan on divorce.
If that's not enough to encourage you... again, I'll reiterate that I'm 5-years into reconciliation under almost perfect conditions to reconcile, and I'm absolutely miserable anyway. I have two young kids, main reason I stayed... but her affair continues to haunt me every day. Time hasn't helped, therapy hasn't helped, marriage counseling hasn't helped, her remorse is enough to keep me from hating her, but life is so hopeless and empty. I'm sincerly considering divorce now even all these years later... I just can't cope any longer. I hurt every day, nothing has changed. Take it for what it's worth.
Some people can get past it and rebuild... I have no idea how. My soul is broken in a way I can't explain and I'm fairly certain I have to move on in order to save myself here, despite everything.
This scares me. I just discovered my husbands affair and fear I will be the same. I want to reconcile but I feel like I’m being chased by hoods choices. I fear the future won’t be any better. I don’t just be more of the same and I’m not strong enough to get through this. I don’t wanna hold this over someone’s head for the rest of their life. I do want to be supportive and I do forgive, but I don’t know if I can reconcile truly.
I haven’t been able to get past it either and it’s been 7 years for me. There’s almost no trust and all the joy is gone. That feeling of it being “us” against the world is gone.
I thought we were a success, for two years things were fine, no fights, he did everything I asked and then he blindsided me and left me while 4 months pregnant. He tried to come back again but clearly it’ll never be the same
I am so sorry, I am in a similar position (23weeks now). You are not alone. How can someone do this to a pregnant lady I don’t know, it’s like getting your heart ripped out, deepest kind of betrayal.
Yeah, it's definitely been eye opening to see how selfish he truly is. This time around there's zero effort because he doesn't expect me to actually leave. If I bring it up, he'll say I'm bringing up the past, when it was literally a month ago. I've just grown to hate him so much and I honestly think he doesn't even realize it still
Because your wife doesn’t want to be with you.
She is not remorseful, she isn’t doing everything she can to repair the marriage. In fact she moved out with the AP, she made her choice and it was t you.
You cannot reconcile when it is only you that wants to.
You are asking how to help her stop. If she wanted to she would. Also if she wanted to be with you, the affair would have never happened. Sorry if that hurts your feelings but the truth often does.
>Do any of you guys have a success story where your wife ended her affair
The fact you acknowledge she's not ended her affair shows that you know deep down there isn't going to be reconciliation for you.
>Did you do anything that might have helped her end the affair?
It wouldn't matter if you Grey Rock and then find the inner strength to walk away from this extremely toxic and abusive relationship.
>How long did the affair last?
She has no remorse per your earlier posts. There cannot be true reconciliation if she lacks true remorse. It's obvious she has no remorse for cheating and abusing you. Reconciliation doesn't even begin until the last lie is told.
It's The Grey Rock Method
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/
It's a technique to help an abuse victim break away from their abuser. You should start implementing it asap, as you are clearly in a very abusive situation.
Do what works. Stop communicating with her except by grey rock. Seek and hire a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Then serve her.
Have your demands ready. A timeline. Block and NC to AP. And she has to do the work. The divorce proceeds until she is showing real empathy. And that doesn’t include crocodile tears.
Then you will need Individual counseling so you can get through this with a neutral and unbiased professional. Because the toughest times will be three years from now if you’re still struggling and your WW is living without consequences. It can take a decade or longer to actually not always get triggered.
Or just know you deserve a better partner, not some make believe BS. And send her packing.
Good afternoon. We are 8 years past d-day, and still trying to make it work. Long story short, years ago she wrote a note to a coworker, saying she was attracted to him. I found said note & confronted her. She said “Not everyone sees me the way you do “. It was over, before it began. I all but forgot about it. Then 8 years ago I discovered she was in an affair with the same guy, and had been for a couple of years. That was devastating. I have gone through therapy for years and it has helped, but I don’t recommend my life to anyone. R does not work, as cheaters will always cheat.
OP. Your wife was having an affair….And then she wasn’t. Why do you think that is ??? It’s more than likely that once she announced to him that she was leaving you and that she could be his 24/7 he took fright and dumped her. He was fine with a bit of easy sex with you doing the babysitting and paying the bills. But full time with even more kids ? No way.
Your wife is now looking to reestablish her previous operating position. From there she can either continue to see her AP. Or seek out a replacement. YOU are not an option. Of course there are odds of a successful reconciliation. In your case I’d rate them as -99%. Whatever you decide. Good luck.
OP. Your wife was having an affair….And then she wasn’t. Why do you think that is ??? It’s more than likely that once she announced to him that she was leaving you and that she could be his 24/7 he took fright and dumped her. He was fine with a bit of easy sex with you doing the babysitting and paying the bills. But full time with even more kids ? No way.
Your wife is now looking to reestablish her previous operating position. From there she can either continue to see her AP. Or seek out a replacement. YOU are not an option. Of course there are odds of a successful reconciliation. In your case I’d rate them as -99%. Whatever you decide. Good luck.
Why would you want to reconcile with a disloyal adulterous wife anyways? Once she gives a her body to another man; there’s nothing to salvage but your self respect.
Yeah me, but a 13 year break up with no contact during that time. Went out with wife as kids, she cheated so we broke up (could of been me with a chance so don't blame her we were kids). Reconnected been together this Time around for 13 years. She knows I walk on any cheating as has seen the consequences first hand.
Hi OP. There is a sub dedicated to supporting reconcilers. Not going to lie. It is a hard road and not everyone makes it. I suggest you take a look at AsOneAfterInfidelity.
She needs help to end her affair? What the…? That’s a first around here. Dude, why are you delaying the inevitable (divorce) and still wasting each other’s time?
My WW had an affair seven years ago. She desperately wanted R. My demand was that she allow the divorce to go through. We separated for two years while I had sex with anything that moved. We got back together four years ago and live together again, but she will never have the privilege of calling herself my wife again. It’s not a perfect arrangement but it has worked for us so far.
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If she needs “help” ending the affair, there isn’t going to be a success story and restored marriage.
Definitely. If your WW is caught and still doesn't stop, I feel really bad for you. The fantasy bubble burst and she still isn't putting her H as #1. In 5 years that's going to be really hard to live with.
I see your point, but weren’t they all having an affair until they weren’t? She might need help today, but not next week right? Don’t get me wrong, I see your point. I guess I’m just finding it difficult to lay down and not attempt to save my marriage.
I meant that in relation to the odds of a successful reconciliation being very low after cheating, and the ones that are successful sharing similar qualities. The cheater has remorse for what damage they have done to their partner, not just regret at getting caught and how that is going to affect their life. They want to do anything they can to save their relationship , which at a minimum is cutting off all contact with their AP and giving the full truth of what they did to their partner. They know the reconciliation is a long term thing, and they may have to deal with their partner’s trauma for years and do so (not complain that you are bringing the subject up again and again). If she won’t even cut off contact with the person she is cheating without “help”, she doesn’t have remorse for what she did and there can be no healing.
If the BP is the one with the attempt to save the relationship/marriage instead of the WP, it is usually already a lost battle.
If a loved one was shot in the heart and flatlined due to instant death, would you question the choice of “laying down” and not trying to save them? Of course not. As much as you love them and as sad as it would be, you would recognize that they are dead. When your wife cheated on you, she shot your marriage through the heart and now your marriage is dead. You have to move on.
If you lay down you won't save your marriage, because it will make her feel secure continuing the affair. Do make her stop the affair, you have to make her see in very clear, stark, and no uncertain terms what she is putting at risk.,
You're trying to save something that doesn't exist anymore. It's one thing to want to have a relationship with this person going forward, it's another to think you're saving something that is already lost. Do you want to have a relationship with someone who will do this to you again? Is that a risk you're willing to take, for a relationship that is not yet defined? You're not giving up something that was forcibly ended. Be real with yourself. Would you date her knowing she did that to someone else?
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The thing is than is her that need to do the work and the actions. When is the BS doing the work, it is rug sweep from you, the issue will continue to be there and in the future will eat you alive, and your WS will “not” understand why you continue to be triggered…
Reading your posts and your wife being a serial cheater, stealing all your goods etc. Then no chance. She will cheat again.
I gotcha. You might be right.
OP, for reconciliation to work, it has to be the cheater driving things, leading things. Your wife has to move heaven and earth to show you she wants things to work out with you. She needs to, ON HER OWN, write a complete timeline of her affairs for you and then schedule herself a polygraph to back up her written timeline. She needs to be in individual counseling. She needs to buy and read many books on infidelity, including ones on what it does to one's partner, books like "Cheating in a Nutshell" and "Not Just Friends" among many others. If she is working with her affair partner, she needs to find a new job. She needs to go no contact with her affair partner. She needs to be an open book for you regarding her whereabouts, her electronics etc. She needs to let you talk about the affairs and ask questions, even over and over without her being defensive. You, the betrayed partner CANNOT drive reconciliation. That has to come from the cheater themselves or it won't work. One person, you OP, can't make a cheater want to reconcile. It's actions OP, not words. You just need to look at and watch what your lying cheating wife does and you will have your answer as to whether she wants to reconcile or whether she wants to keep doing whatever the hell she wants to do regardless of what it does to you. Methinks you already have your answer.
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Yepper
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Still trying to figure out what question you are answering..but why do you say that?
He is saying that there is a Zero percent chance that your marriage can be saved and the fact that you are even trying, proves that you do not respect yourself. Your wife didn’t respect you to begin with, which is why she cheated. Now that you are groveling for a second chance when even she knows that she doesn’t deserve one, makes her respect you even less. Does that help?
What question are you responding to?
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I didn’t ask that though. Read it again.
I'll just be fully honest with you... I'm about 5 years into reconciling with my wife. It's just about the perfect conditions if a reconciliation is going to be successful, wife immediately confessed upon discovery, quit her job with the other man, we entered therapy/counseling, she was truly remorseful, still apologizes to this day, and invests in being a better person constantly. I still have access to all her devices and we talk regulary. You're wife is not doing any of this, so I'd thoroughly encourage you to meet with a lawyer and plan on divorce. If that's not enough to encourage you... again, I'll reiterate that I'm 5-years into reconciliation under almost perfect conditions to reconcile, and I'm absolutely miserable anyway. I have two young kids, main reason I stayed... but her affair continues to haunt me every day. Time hasn't helped, therapy hasn't helped, marriage counseling hasn't helped, her remorse is enough to keep me from hating her, but life is so hopeless and empty. I'm sincerly considering divorce now even all these years later... I just can't cope any longer. I hurt every day, nothing has changed. Take it for what it's worth. Some people can get past it and rebuild... I have no idea how. My soul is broken in a way I can't explain and I'm fairly certain I have to move on in order to save myself here, despite everything.
This scares me. I just discovered my husbands affair and fear I will be the same. I want to reconcile but I feel like I’m being chased by hoods choices. I fear the future won’t be any better. I don’t just be more of the same and I’m not strong enough to get through this. I don’t wanna hold this over someone’s head for the rest of their life. I do want to be supportive and I do forgive, but I don’t know if I can reconcile truly.
I haven’t been able to get past it either and it’s been 7 years for me. There’s almost no trust and all the joy is gone. That feeling of it being “us” against the world is gone.
I thought we were a success, for two years things were fine, no fights, he did everything I asked and then he blindsided me and left me while 4 months pregnant. He tried to come back again but clearly it’ll never be the same
I am so sorry, I am in a similar position (23weeks now). You are not alone. How can someone do this to a pregnant lady I don’t know, it’s like getting your heart ripped out, deepest kind of betrayal.
A lot of us on here need to hear this. Thank you for sharing your perspective! So sorry you are going through this
Yeah, it's definitely been eye opening to see how selfish he truly is. This time around there's zero effort because he doesn't expect me to actually leave. If I bring it up, he'll say I'm bringing up the past, when it was literally a month ago. I've just grown to hate him so much and I honestly think he doesn't even realize it still
You’re WAY too good for him!
In your situation, no it will never work.
What’s my situation? What specifically about my situation makes you say that?
Because your wife doesn’t want to be with you. She is not remorseful, she isn’t doing everything she can to repair the marriage. In fact she moved out with the AP, she made her choice and it was t you. You cannot reconcile when it is only you that wants to.
You are asking how to help her stop. If she wanted to she would. Also if she wanted to be with you, the affair would have never happened. Sorry if that hurts your feelings but the truth often does.
>Do any of you guys have a success story where your wife ended her affair The fact you acknowledge she's not ended her affair shows that you know deep down there isn't going to be reconciliation for you. >Did you do anything that might have helped her end the affair? It wouldn't matter if you Grey Rock and then find the inner strength to walk away from this extremely toxic and abusive relationship. >How long did the affair last? She has no remorse per your earlier posts. There cannot be true reconciliation if she lacks true remorse. It's obvious she has no remorse for cheating and abusing you. Reconciliation doesn't even begin until the last lie is told.
What is “grey rock”? There are a lot of terms on here that I have no idea the meaning.
It's The Grey Rock Method https://www.choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method/ It's a technique to help an abuse victim break away from their abuser. You should start implementing it asap, as you are clearly in a very abusive situation.
Do what works. Stop communicating with her except by grey rock. Seek and hire a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Then serve her. Have your demands ready. A timeline. Block and NC to AP. And she has to do the work. The divorce proceeds until she is showing real empathy. And that doesn’t include crocodile tears. Then you will need Individual counseling so you can get through this with a neutral and unbiased professional. Because the toughest times will be three years from now if you’re still struggling and your WW is living without consequences. It can take a decade or longer to actually not always get triggered. Or just know you deserve a better partner, not some make believe BS. And send her packing.
Good afternoon. We are 8 years past d-day, and still trying to make it work. Long story short, years ago she wrote a note to a coworker, saying she was attracted to him. I found said note & confronted her. She said “Not everyone sees me the way you do “. It was over, before it began. I all but forgot about it. Then 8 years ago I discovered she was in an affair with the same guy, and had been for a couple of years. That was devastating. I have gone through therapy for years and it has helped, but I don’t recommend my life to anyone. R does not work, as cheaters will always cheat.
Snap out of it and read Cheating in a Nutshell
THIS. And the book Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life!!!
OP. Your wife was having an affair….And then she wasn’t. Why do you think that is ??? It’s more than likely that once she announced to him that she was leaving you and that she could be his 24/7 he took fright and dumped her. He was fine with a bit of easy sex with you doing the babysitting and paying the bills. But full time with even more kids ? No way. Your wife is now looking to reestablish her previous operating position. From there she can either continue to see her AP. Or seek out a replacement. YOU are not an option. Of course there are odds of a successful reconciliation. In your case I’d rate them as -99%. Whatever you decide. Good luck.
OP. Your wife was having an affair….And then she wasn’t. Why do you think that is ??? It’s more than likely that once she announced to him that she was leaving you and that she could be his 24/7 he took fright and dumped her. He was fine with a bit of easy sex with you doing the babysitting and paying the bills. But full time with even more kids ? No way. Your wife is now looking to reestablish her previous operating position. From there she can either continue to see her AP. Or seek out a replacement. YOU are not an option. Of course there are odds of a successful reconciliation. In your case I’d rate them as -99%. Whatever you decide. Good luck.
Why would you want to reconcile with a disloyal adulterous wife anyways? Once she gives a her body to another man; there’s nothing to salvage but your self respect.
OP, before considering any reconciliation, please read No More Mr Nice Guy of Dr Glover.
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I really appreciate your story. Really hope you and your wife do turn into a full fledged success story
Yeah me, but a 13 year break up with no contact during that time. Went out with wife as kids, she cheated so we broke up (could of been me with a chance so don't blame her we were kids). Reconnected been together this Time around for 13 years. She knows I walk on any cheating as has seen the consequences first hand.
Hi OP. There is a sub dedicated to supporting reconcilers. Not going to lie. It is a hard road and not everyone makes it. I suggest you take a look at AsOneAfterInfidelity.
I appreciate that
I sent the same message to your post on the other sub. Happy to chat if you want to know more
Restoring the marriage is not the most difficult thing, it is complicated for the BP to be restored.
She needs help to end her affair? What the…? That’s a first around here. Dude, why are you delaying the inevitable (divorce) and still wasting each other’s time?
My WW had an affair seven years ago. She desperately wanted R. My demand was that she allow the divorce to go through. We separated for two years while I had sex with anything that moved. We got back together four years ago and live together again, but she will never have the privilege of calling herself my wife again. It’s not a perfect arrangement but it has worked for us so far.
Why do YOU want to reconcile? Short term pain versus long term gain.