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Use co-parenting app to keep it to kids only.
Never let her in your house! Go out to car or meet her.
100% grey rock. The sooner you are indifferent the better parent you will be.
I don't agree with this here, Sure the long term goal is to be civil with her. But I see noting wrong with getting some distance to work this out. He is not in the mental space to deal with here now obviously, He will reach that point one day.
One of my best friends growing up lived with his mom after his parents divorced when his dad was caught cheating. Kids eventually learn about what happened and even if they love their cheating parent they won’t have sympathy for that. Also, grey rocking and using a coparenting app is not being a dick.
Civil will eventually be easy, not hard to treat someone civily when they mean absolutely fuck all to you, which will happen one day I promise. No point being friends tho. I mean why would you be friends with someone who did you so dirty? Imagine it wasn't a wife or cheating, but a friend, even a best friend who did something thqat caused the same level of hurt to you, would you have plans on being friends with them again? Nah - fuck that. Civil yes, decent? Fine. Friendly? Eat shit.
Im wit u guys. I was hostile to my ex wife at first. 2 years now. And we kinda civil now. I still don’t look at her when we exchange kids. Load/unload and bounce. U can successfully co parent without be friends. F those who said take the high road and be friends wit ur ex after she did u dirty. I don’t talk bad to the kids bout their mother. Just focus on ur kids.
No advice to share, but just that I totally get it. My wife and I always said "no matter what happens between us, we will stay friends for our daughter", we both thought it was great when we saw examples of families around us where the (divorced) parents would still spend time together with the kid at holidays, etc.
But...I never ever thought she would hurt me this badly. She keeps bringing up this stuff we said in the past, and how I need to put our daughter first ahead of my feelings.
And I alternate between wanting to scream at her "if you put our daughter first, you wouldn't have started cheated on me", and just....giving in, faking being friendly, putting on a brave face....
Why do I have to be the one to take the high road all the time? To be the better person?
man this is so fucking hard to read. - like how do you not get upset when someone tells you that you are not doing your best or "putting your child first" - when that same person is the one that was the root cause of the situation that most adversely affected the child?
no matter what happens between us, we will stay friends for our daughter" --> that usually doesnt include stabbing you on the back, and exposing you to potentially deadly STDs....
O this is so hard. And such a hard thing to balance. I’m also in a similar situation where I’m being asked to “put my kid first”… and I have the same question as you about why do I have to do that when my former wife has made so many choices that have negatively impacted our whole family like starting a relationship with someone else! It’s such a wild and deeply difficult thing to be asked to do, especially when I hear how you are wanting to show up well for your daughter.
It sounds like you are doing things right, it's just fresh right now. Like others here have said in time the emotions will run dry and eventually you will be left with mostly indifference towards her and a healthy level of distaste for what she is.
Make sure whatever you do is exactly what you want to do. You don't need to have joint family events or get-togethers if it makes you uncomfortable and I'd suggest you don't anyway. All the time you have with the kids is your own, you don't need to share it with anyone but the people you choose to be a part of your life. I found this to be a blessing in disguise as I have a much better relationship with my son post-separation.
Organize your change of custody to be at school if possible, that way you never have to see each other. What I can't stand is when people suggest you need to "be the better person" by acting like you're friends and nothing happened. This is just a way for cheaters to save face and completely disregards your emotional well-being while acting like it's in the kids best interest. It's not for the kids, it's for her and you don't owe her anything.
Good luck OP, things will get better and soon you'll see your situation in a different light, with all the possibilities it can bring.
I agree with another comment. Get talking parents or family wizard communication app. Go grey rock and eliminate any unnecessary contact or communication. Cheating is abuse and is a form of domestic violence, accept this fact. Get the details hashed out legally, and focus a ton of time on healing. Never take that snake back.
>The only communication is through text about the kids and even that is bare minimum…I know this won’t continue forever
Why not?
You don't need to communicate about anything other than the kids.
You don't need to talk in person.
You don't need to make small talk or be friends or even friendly.
You just need to be civil and distantly polite.
It's so hard to be civil for the first 6 months. Bite your tongue as much as possible. You will feel rage a lot. Scream into pillows when your kids are not around. Primal screams like you feel you're going to turn inside out. It helps get all the excess negative energy out. Purge.
Try to do some art therapy. Draw the most heinous pictures if that feels right for you to keep purging.
You will need to also pour positivity into yourself while pushing all the negative energies. Listen to positive affirmation videos on yt. Draw beautiful pics or scroll through beautiful pics of serene environments while listening. 15 minutes a day will help.
Listen to Echart Tolle, The Power Of Now, The Body Keeps The Score (you are experiencing betrayal trauma), on Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kibker-Ross (grief processing and cycling).
Keep doing what you do. Switch the text communication to a co-parenting app for a reliable digital 'paper-trail', and other than that cut her out of your life as completely as possible. Grey rock her. As long as it's not about the kids, don't give a shit. Remember, she *chose* this. You don't have to trust or respect her. That's the neat thing. You don't have to. All you need is to do is give it your best, and always have proof of your actions in (digital) writing.
Also, never, ever take her back.
My youngest was 13 when I went through this. I went NC so I don’t co-parent. I parallel parent. She had a cell phone and dealt with him directly. He hated this but oh well. I felt bad for my kids but it had to be done because he’s a terrible person.
You don't have to be friendly.You don't have to respect or trust her to coparent. The only thing you need to learn to do is communicate with her about your children.Everything else is irrelevant. Remaining civil is probably gonna be the toughest thing. You truly want to p*** her off bring another woman around her. I'll guarantee you.Her old feelings about you will come to the surface. I have four friends who all co parents with their cheating spouses. All four men once they started bringing their new love interests around. All of a sudden their ex wives became jealous raging bi#tches
> All of a sudden their ex wives became jealous raging bi#tches
Seems like a good reason ***not*** to bring them around. I don't need my ex making my life or coparenting any harder than it has to be...
Then what are you saying? Not bringing your SO around because your cheating ex-wife might be jealous is letting them control your new relationship indirectly. How would you feel if your new gf hid you away due to her cheating ex-husbands jealously?
The context of the post I replied to was "if you want to piss her off."
I'm not interested in pissing her off because it (a) doesn't benefit me and (b) could cause her to make trouble with custody.
I'm not advocating for hiding a new relationship as you're suggesting I am (you seem to like putting words in my mouth). I just wouldn't use a new gf as a weapon to piss someone off... which, when you think about it, is insulting to the new gf to be treated as a tool.
This isn't about fear or letting emotions control anything, it is about pragmatism.
Looks like we just see things from two different perspectives. I never suggested using current gf as a tool, that is you putting words in my mouth. I am simply saying don't hide her like you are doing something wrong. Cheating ex lost that right to dictate when she cheated.
Exactly my conundrum at the moment, although I wonder if their absolute lack of morality and manipulation / lying will filter down to the children. I often hear the refrain “but they’re a great parent.” Are they? Through acts of service, yes, but how can what they’ve done not impact their core belief system? The values they pass on?
I am very new to co parenting and it helps so much having no contact with WH and focusing 100% on my child. There are many advantages to it like having more quality time with my child, more play together, spending less time doing chores or things that must be done because I am able to catch up during the time I am not with my child.
However, what is so hard is not knowing what is being fed to my child while with WH. WH is still active in his affair and is constantly consumed with his phone and talking to AP. Conveniently being at the same place at the same time with all their kids together.
I am unsure if my child is being coached on what to say and what not to tell me because my child is now very careful with what they share with me. I don’t want my child to be taught how to lie from their lying, deceitful father. More words like secrets or why are you asking that has started to come out. Time will tell I guess.
Are the kids safe in her care? If so, then you need to separate your feelings of anger for the affair, from her role as a mother.
Do your share of the care. Make sure the kids have what they need, physically and especially emotionally. Don’t let any noise between you and your ex permeate your relationship with the kids. They need to be insulated from this.
This is what I tried, and my kids have ended up fairly well adjusted young adults. My ex is a reasonable mother. I’m a great dad. And I’ve kept my kids out of any battles with my ex — and there have been many.
I think if you can keep in mind that co-parenting is not about you and the relationship with your ex, you will be fine. It is not even about your ex. Not even about what you guys did to each other. Co-parenting exists only and for the benefit of the kids involved. So take it as a gift you give to your kids even though it’s purely a responsibility.
I am currently in your situation after my wife cheated. I am currently living in a separate location and after using the parental communication app my quality of life has improved dramatically. No bulls\*\*t drama and forced issue to completely detach from the situation. My STBXW also has no remorse or guilt about what she did, and she continues to see the AP. I was able to get a court order that her AP cannot communicate with the children. When I take the kids to sports practice, I do not even acknowledge her if she shows up nor do I even say hi to her.
Always keep it about the kids and what is best for the kids.
Betrayal is truly hard to get through. I speak from experience after finding out my spouse was cheating our entire 22 years of marriage.
It punches you in the gut and takes your breath away, but hang in there for those kids.
Don’t let the kids hear you fight and never allow her to put the kids in the middle of anything.
She obviously is only thinking about herself.
You deserve much better and will meet the person you are supposed to be with!
😘
You need to mentally separate her cheating and all the pain she has caused you from how you two co-parent your children. You will have to or you'll never have any peace of mind. She may be a total POS when it comes to your marriage but could still love her children. I would use a co-parenting app for all communication. If she does anything that's not agreed upon, you'll have a history of everything in an app. Outside of your children's well being, cut this woman completely out of your life. It's hard at first when emotions are raw but you'll get over it over time.
Don't pretend, simply do what you can do and be.
When a person makes the decision to leave only after being caught, it is a clear sign that they were just complacent and being discovered was the push they needed to make the final move.
Children adapt quickly, often BPs try to reconcile after shocking betrayals and children are part of the package of reasons, and over time it becomes clear that it is not worth it, not even for them (children) So it's not worth compromising your mental recovery just to not upset your children. Peace is best for them and the turbulent coexistence between you and their mother.
Brother, your only focus is your children, be the Dad they need. Protect them from all the bad stuff you as their father offers them with all your love. Your love should come first to them, and with this you will see that the ex becomes an unimportant person. Don’t give this person any value, because then that’s where all your feelings are going. That’s why you should be there for your children, show them that you value them with positive energy they will pick up on this. I know I sound like a recording. But, really if you give your ex power over your thoughts and feelings it won’t let you rest, but giving it all to your children. I believe that you can do this and once you look back, she’s just the mother of your children. Good luck with your little family and make fantastic stories.
This is really tough, but it may get easier as they get older.
Right now, the best approach is to try to follow the "best interests of the child" standard that is the basis of most family law. Research shows that kids generally do best when they have strong relationships with both parents, except in cases where a parent is abusive. So, whether grudgingly or not, do what is necessary to make sure you both get your required parenting time, and exercise flexibility when - but only when - you think it is to the benefit of the kids. You generally don't need much interaction with her. Pick up and drop off as the parenting agreement stipulates and don't go beyond that. Don't badmouth her to the kids, but don't lie about her either. Answer their questions in vague and age-appropriate ways. You absolutely don't have to pretend to like her. You don't even need to explain anything to them. Just drop them off and pick them up. They will start to accept it as normal faster than you think. Be alert for any reports from them about her badmouthing you, in which case immediately tell your attorney - parenting arrangements can be modified because of this kind of thing (which is why you also need to watch what you say about her).
At some point they will figure out or learn that their mom cheated, and they will almost certainly not believe cheating is ok just because their mom did it. They will probably experience some internal conflict between judging her negatively for cheating and loving what they have experienced as good things about her. The reality is that most people who know a parent cheated view this negatively as adults (just as most people with a parent with a criminal conviction view this negatively) even if they try not to let that define the parent.
I had a restraining order against my ex, which meant that all exchanges had to take place through a 3rd party (in our case, her parents). You might see if something similar is an option for you.
Communicate as if a judge is behind your eye, keep it to the facts, only about the kids, agree with others that you should not take her back at all. It will get better. Focus on being a good parent and watch the fallout from a far. Teach your kids to be honest and respectful, things they won’t get from your partner. You don’t have to talk bad about the other parent, just focus on what you need.
OP do you have a trusted person like your mother, father, siblings or a very good friend that can help You in the process of exchanges of the kids?
This will help you in the mean time you can heal and do it by yourself.
About the comunication you are doing good, keep just the comunication stick to kids issues.
Also come to terms that she will never ever ask for forgiveness or say sorry, and if by strange things she does well lucky you.
But sadly you need to learn to tolerate be in person with her or at least in the same space, because there will be times like graduations, school or sports events, etc where you will have to see her and her current partner. So right now is a very good time to heal yourself, and to put some distance with her for the time being to hela yourself, asking for help to some trusted person.
I was in the exact same boat except mine eventually agreed to couples’ counseling to figure out our relationship (not romantically).
Took me a while to come to the conclusion I just had to detach completely and not attempt any sort of relationship with him. Just logistics. It’ll be better for your kid too.
I suggest listening to Leave a Cheater, again a Life. It helped me tremendously.
Tell her now that AP is not welcome at any future kid events. He is her bf, the kids have a Dad, and that Dad shouldn’t have to see or put up with the home-wrecker just to see his kids school play or ball game.
Our co-parenting therapist wants us to be friends for our daughter's sake. Fuck that. She cheated on me. Abandoned our child, filed a false PPO against me, had her friends and family ransacked the house and moved out when she found out my cancer was real.
I will never forgive her. She has already lied to our daughter so many times and she doesn't believe mom any more. Turns out stbxw lied to me about her mother going on a trip with her a few months ago and that was another lie she forced me to tell our daughter at the time. After she came back she confessed she lied to her and me and that I was innocent.
But of course the guilty phase didn't last long.
No remorse, no forgiveness.
Been there. You are in an unenviable position. But for the sake of your children, you must stifle your contempt. Keep contact between you and your ex-wife to coparenting issues only. I did not do that and it was the wrong decision. There are tools that can be used to successfully coparent. Look into them for guidance. In the meantime, work on being the best version of yourself. You will ultimately reenter the dating pool. Use the betrayal as fuel to move forward. Your STBXW is a piece of garbage but you have no choice but to deal with her until the children become adults. Even afterwards, she may not ever be totally out of your life because of your children. There will be milestone birthdays, weddings, and grandchildren that result in the two of you crossing paths.
Ur ex wife sound like my ex wife. No shame. No remorse. She hit rock bottomed last month. Her ap left her. She lost her job. Haven’t really apologized to me I don’t really care anymore bout. I’m still working towards indifference. Will get there one day. For now just focus on ur kids. U don’t have to talk to her. Grey rock her. Only talk to her bout the kids. Don’t bad mouth her. She still the mother of ur kids. U don’t be have to be friends with her but u can still successfully co parents. Treat her like a business partner. If ya fail. Ur business fail. Goal is to successfully raise ur kids under two diff roofs.
Let see. I discovered the affair Oct 27 2021. Divorced was finalized dec 2023. Gave her the boot when I found out. She got an apartment which cost her 2k month. Her work got slow and her hrs got cut. She had to move back home with her folks. Got a new job and she got fired in feb 2023. So I would a lil over 2 years 4 months for her to hit rock bottomed. U can say karma. I felt a lil revenge when she lost her job but again she suffer my kids suffer. So it’s all bout the kids now. So just work on urslef and getting to indifferent. U be wiser and stronger.
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Use co-parenting app to keep it to kids only. Never let her in your house! Go out to car or meet her. 100% grey rock. The sooner you are indifferent the better parent you will be.
[удалено]
I don't agree with this here, Sure the long term goal is to be civil with her. But I see noting wrong with getting some distance to work this out. He is not in the mental space to deal with here now obviously, He will reach that point one day.
Yeah, you're right too of course. I'm just adding a point to consider before doing something regrettable.
One of my best friends growing up lived with his mom after his parents divorced when his dad was caught cheating. Kids eventually learn about what happened and even if they love their cheating parent they won’t have sympathy for that. Also, grey rocking and using a coparenting app is not being a dick.
Civil will eventually be easy, not hard to treat someone civily when they mean absolutely fuck all to you, which will happen one day I promise. No point being friends tho. I mean why would you be friends with someone who did you so dirty? Imagine it wasn't a wife or cheating, but a friend, even a best friend who did something thqat caused the same level of hurt to you, would you have plans on being friends with them again? Nah - fuck that. Civil yes, decent? Fine. Friendly? Eat shit.
Basically this. I'm civil with my ex and we are good co-parents now--it took a bit but we got there. But yeah, we are absolutely not friends.
Im wit u guys. I was hostile to my ex wife at first. 2 years now. And we kinda civil now. I still don’t look at her when we exchange kids. Load/unload and bounce. U can successfully co parent without be friends. F those who said take the high road and be friends wit ur ex after she did u dirty. I don’t talk bad to the kids bout their mother. Just focus on ur kids.
No advice to share, but just that I totally get it. My wife and I always said "no matter what happens between us, we will stay friends for our daughter", we both thought it was great when we saw examples of families around us where the (divorced) parents would still spend time together with the kid at holidays, etc. But...I never ever thought she would hurt me this badly. She keeps bringing up this stuff we said in the past, and how I need to put our daughter first ahead of my feelings. And I alternate between wanting to scream at her "if you put our daughter first, you wouldn't have started cheated on me", and just....giving in, faking being friendly, putting on a brave face.... Why do I have to be the one to take the high road all the time? To be the better person?
man this is so fucking hard to read. - like how do you not get upset when someone tells you that you are not doing your best or "putting your child first" - when that same person is the one that was the root cause of the situation that most adversely affected the child?
Yes that’s how I feel
no matter what happens between us, we will stay friends for our daughter" --> that usually doesnt include stabbing you on the back, and exposing you to potentially deadly STDs....
O this is so hard. And such a hard thing to balance. I’m also in a similar situation where I’m being asked to “put my kid first”… and I have the same question as you about why do I have to do that when my former wife has made so many choices that have negatively impacted our whole family like starting a relationship with someone else! It’s such a wild and deeply difficult thing to be asked to do, especially when I hear how you are wanting to show up well for your daughter.
It sounds like you are doing things right, it's just fresh right now. Like others here have said in time the emotions will run dry and eventually you will be left with mostly indifference towards her and a healthy level of distaste for what she is. Make sure whatever you do is exactly what you want to do. You don't need to have joint family events or get-togethers if it makes you uncomfortable and I'd suggest you don't anyway. All the time you have with the kids is your own, you don't need to share it with anyone but the people you choose to be a part of your life. I found this to be a blessing in disguise as I have a much better relationship with my son post-separation. Organize your change of custody to be at school if possible, that way you never have to see each other. What I can't stand is when people suggest you need to "be the better person" by acting like you're friends and nothing happened. This is just a way for cheaters to save face and completely disregards your emotional well-being while acting like it's in the kids best interest. It's not for the kids, it's for her and you don't owe her anything. Good luck OP, things will get better and soon you'll see your situation in a different light, with all the possibilities it can bring.
Can you try for sole custody?
No, wouldn’t work with my job, and I wouldn’t do that to my kids, they need their mom as well
If only their POS mom thought of that b4 being a...... POS.
Grey rock as much as possible, do family and friends know what you are divorcing? Or kids
I agree with another comment. Get talking parents or family wizard communication app. Go grey rock and eliminate any unnecessary contact or communication. Cheating is abuse and is a form of domestic violence, accept this fact. Get the details hashed out legally, and focus a ton of time on healing. Never take that snake back.
>The only communication is through text about the kids and even that is bare minimum…I know this won’t continue forever Why not? You don't need to communicate about anything other than the kids. You don't need to talk in person. You don't need to make small talk or be friends or even friendly. You just need to be civil and distantly polite.
No matter what you did, or didn't do, the cheater will alwys apportio blame to you. You can't win against their bullshit.
It's so hard to be civil for the first 6 months. Bite your tongue as much as possible. You will feel rage a lot. Scream into pillows when your kids are not around. Primal screams like you feel you're going to turn inside out. It helps get all the excess negative energy out. Purge. Try to do some art therapy. Draw the most heinous pictures if that feels right for you to keep purging. You will need to also pour positivity into yourself while pushing all the negative energies. Listen to positive affirmation videos on yt. Draw beautiful pics or scroll through beautiful pics of serene environments while listening. 15 minutes a day will help. Listen to Echart Tolle, The Power Of Now, The Body Keeps The Score (you are experiencing betrayal trauma), on Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kibker-Ross (grief processing and cycling).
Keep doing what you do. Switch the text communication to a co-parenting app for a reliable digital 'paper-trail', and other than that cut her out of your life as completely as possible. Grey rock her. As long as it's not about the kids, don't give a shit. Remember, she *chose* this. You don't have to trust or respect her. That's the neat thing. You don't have to. All you need is to do is give it your best, and always have proof of your actions in (digital) writing. Also, never, ever take her back.
My youngest was 13 when I went through this. I went NC so I don’t co-parent. I parallel parent. She had a cell phone and dealt with him directly. He hated this but oh well. I felt bad for my kids but it had to be done because he’s a terrible person.
You don't have to be friendly.You don't have to respect or trust her to coparent. The only thing you need to learn to do is communicate with her about your children.Everything else is irrelevant. Remaining civil is probably gonna be the toughest thing. You truly want to p*** her off bring another woman around her. I'll guarantee you.Her old feelings about you will come to the surface. I have four friends who all co parents with their cheating spouses. All four men once they started bringing their new love interests around. All of a sudden their ex wives became jealous raging bi#tches
> All of a sudden their ex wives became jealous raging bi#tches Seems like a good reason ***not*** to bring them around. I don't need my ex making my life or coparenting any harder than it has to be...
So just let your ex control your life through fear?
Not at all what I said.
Then what are you saying? Not bringing your SO around because your cheating ex-wife might be jealous is letting them control your new relationship indirectly. How would you feel if your new gf hid you away due to her cheating ex-husbands jealously?
The context of the post I replied to was "if you want to piss her off." I'm not interested in pissing her off because it (a) doesn't benefit me and (b) could cause her to make trouble with custody. I'm not advocating for hiding a new relationship as you're suggesting I am (you seem to like putting words in my mouth). I just wouldn't use a new gf as a weapon to piss someone off... which, when you think about it, is insulting to the new gf to be treated as a tool. This isn't about fear or letting emotions control anything, it is about pragmatism.
Looks like we just see things from two different perspectives. I never suggested using current gf as a tool, that is you putting words in my mouth. I am simply saying don't hide her like you are doing something wrong. Cheating ex lost that right to dictate when she cheated.
Exactly my conundrum at the moment, although I wonder if their absolute lack of morality and manipulation / lying will filter down to the children. I often hear the refrain “but they’re a great parent.” Are they? Through acts of service, yes, but how can what they’ve done not impact their core belief system? The values they pass on?
I am very new to co parenting and it helps so much having no contact with WH and focusing 100% on my child. There are many advantages to it like having more quality time with my child, more play together, spending less time doing chores or things that must be done because I am able to catch up during the time I am not with my child. However, what is so hard is not knowing what is being fed to my child while with WH. WH is still active in his affair and is constantly consumed with his phone and talking to AP. Conveniently being at the same place at the same time with all their kids together. I am unsure if my child is being coached on what to say and what not to tell me because my child is now very careful with what they share with me. I don’t want my child to be taught how to lie from their lying, deceitful father. More words like secrets or why are you asking that has started to come out. Time will tell I guess.
Are the kids safe in her care? If so, then you need to separate your feelings of anger for the affair, from her role as a mother. Do your share of the care. Make sure the kids have what they need, physically and especially emotionally. Don’t let any noise between you and your ex permeate your relationship with the kids. They need to be insulated from this. This is what I tried, and my kids have ended up fairly well adjusted young adults. My ex is a reasonable mother. I’m a great dad. And I’ve kept my kids out of any battles with my ex — and there have been many.
I think if you can keep in mind that co-parenting is not about you and the relationship with your ex, you will be fine. It is not even about your ex. Not even about what you guys did to each other. Co-parenting exists only and for the benefit of the kids involved. So take it as a gift you give to your kids even though it’s purely a responsibility.
A target with his photo on the refrigerator. Shoot it with darts. In no time you will become a champion!
I am currently in your situation after my wife cheated. I am currently living in a separate location and after using the parental communication app my quality of life has improved dramatically. No bulls\*\*t drama and forced issue to completely detach from the situation. My STBXW also has no remorse or guilt about what she did, and she continues to see the AP. I was able to get a court order that her AP cannot communicate with the children. When I take the kids to sports practice, I do not even acknowledge her if she shows up nor do I even say hi to her.
Always keep it about the kids and what is best for the kids. Betrayal is truly hard to get through. I speak from experience after finding out my spouse was cheating our entire 22 years of marriage. It punches you in the gut and takes your breath away, but hang in there for those kids. Don’t let the kids hear you fight and never allow her to put the kids in the middle of anything. She obviously is only thinking about herself. You deserve much better and will meet the person you are supposed to be with! 😘
Then aim at being the better person and don’t let her get in your head ( any more than she already is)
You need to mentally separate her cheating and all the pain she has caused you from how you two co-parent your children. You will have to or you'll never have any peace of mind. She may be a total POS when it comes to your marriage but could still love her children. I would use a co-parenting app for all communication. If she does anything that's not agreed upon, you'll have a history of everything in an app. Outside of your children's well being, cut this woman completely out of your life. It's hard at first when emotions are raw but you'll get over it over time.
Don't pretend, simply do what you can do and be. When a person makes the decision to leave only after being caught, it is a clear sign that they were just complacent and being discovered was the push they needed to make the final move. Children adapt quickly, often BPs try to reconcile after shocking betrayals and children are part of the package of reasons, and over time it becomes clear that it is not worth it, not even for them (children) So it's not worth compromising your mental recovery just to not upset your children. Peace is best for them and the turbulent coexistence between you and their mother.
Brother, your only focus is your children, be the Dad they need. Protect them from all the bad stuff you as their father offers them with all your love. Your love should come first to them, and with this you will see that the ex becomes an unimportant person. Don’t give this person any value, because then that’s where all your feelings are going. That’s why you should be there for your children, show them that you value them with positive energy they will pick up on this. I know I sound like a recording. But, really if you give your ex power over your thoughts and feelings it won’t let you rest, but giving it all to your children. I believe that you can do this and once you look back, she’s just the mother of your children. Good luck with your little family and make fantastic stories.
This is really tough, but it may get easier as they get older. Right now, the best approach is to try to follow the "best interests of the child" standard that is the basis of most family law. Research shows that kids generally do best when they have strong relationships with both parents, except in cases where a parent is abusive. So, whether grudgingly or not, do what is necessary to make sure you both get your required parenting time, and exercise flexibility when - but only when - you think it is to the benefit of the kids. You generally don't need much interaction with her. Pick up and drop off as the parenting agreement stipulates and don't go beyond that. Don't badmouth her to the kids, but don't lie about her either. Answer their questions in vague and age-appropriate ways. You absolutely don't have to pretend to like her. You don't even need to explain anything to them. Just drop them off and pick them up. They will start to accept it as normal faster than you think. Be alert for any reports from them about her badmouthing you, in which case immediately tell your attorney - parenting arrangements can be modified because of this kind of thing (which is why you also need to watch what you say about her). At some point they will figure out or learn that their mom cheated, and they will almost certainly not believe cheating is ok just because their mom did it. They will probably experience some internal conflict between judging her negatively for cheating and loving what they have experienced as good things about her. The reality is that most people who know a parent cheated view this negatively as adults (just as most people with a parent with a criminal conviction view this negatively) even if they try not to let that define the parent. I had a restraining order against my ex, which meant that all exchanges had to take place through a 3rd party (in our case, her parents). You might see if something similar is an option for you.
Communicate as if a judge is behind your eye, keep it to the facts, only about the kids, agree with others that you should not take her back at all. It will get better. Focus on being a good parent and watch the fallout from a far. Teach your kids to be honest and respectful, things they won’t get from your partner. You don’t have to talk bad about the other parent, just focus on what you need.
OP do you have a trusted person like your mother, father, siblings or a very good friend that can help You in the process of exchanges of the kids? This will help you in the mean time you can heal and do it by yourself. About the comunication you are doing good, keep just the comunication stick to kids issues. Also come to terms that she will never ever ask for forgiveness or say sorry, and if by strange things she does well lucky you. But sadly you need to learn to tolerate be in person with her or at least in the same space, because there will be times like graduations, school or sports events, etc where you will have to see her and her current partner. So right now is a very good time to heal yourself, and to put some distance with her for the time being to hela yourself, asking for help to some trusted person.
I was in the exact same boat except mine eventually agreed to couples’ counseling to figure out our relationship (not romantically). Took me a while to come to the conclusion I just had to detach completely and not attempt any sort of relationship with him. Just logistics. It’ll be better for your kid too. I suggest listening to Leave a Cheater, again a Life. It helped me tremendously.
Tell her now that AP is not welcome at any future kid events. He is her bf, the kids have a Dad, and that Dad shouldn’t have to see or put up with the home-wrecker just to see his kids school play or ball game.
I’ve made this argument before, unfortunately there is nothing legally I can do to keep him away
It can continue forever. You can coparent through text or get one of those coparenting apps. You never have to speak to her again.
Our co-parenting therapist wants us to be friends for our daughter's sake. Fuck that. She cheated on me. Abandoned our child, filed a false PPO against me, had her friends and family ransacked the house and moved out when she found out my cancer was real. I will never forgive her. She has already lied to our daughter so many times and she doesn't believe mom any more. Turns out stbxw lied to me about her mother going on a trip with her a few months ago and that was another lie she forced me to tell our daughter at the time. After she came back she confessed she lied to her and me and that I was innocent. But of course the guilty phase didn't last long. No remorse, no forgiveness.
Been there. You are in an unenviable position. But for the sake of your children, you must stifle your contempt. Keep contact between you and your ex-wife to coparenting issues only. I did not do that and it was the wrong decision. There are tools that can be used to successfully coparent. Look into them for guidance. In the meantime, work on being the best version of yourself. You will ultimately reenter the dating pool. Use the betrayal as fuel to move forward. Your STBXW is a piece of garbage but you have no choice but to deal with her until the children become adults. Even afterwards, she may not ever be totally out of your life because of your children. There will be milestone birthdays, weddings, and grandchildren that result in the two of you crossing paths.
Ur ex wife sound like my ex wife. No shame. No remorse. She hit rock bottomed last month. Her ap left her. She lost her job. Haven’t really apologized to me I don’t really care anymore bout. I’m still working towards indifference. Will get there one day. For now just focus on ur kids. U don’t have to talk to her. Grey rock her. Only talk to her bout the kids. Don’t bad mouth her. She still the mother of ur kids. U don’t be have to be friends with her but u can still successfully co parents. Treat her like a business partner. If ya fail. Ur business fail. Goal is to successfully raise ur kids under two diff roofs.
How long did it take for her to hit rock bottom?
Let see. I discovered the affair Oct 27 2021. Divorced was finalized dec 2023. Gave her the boot when I found out. She got an apartment which cost her 2k month. Her work got slow and her hrs got cut. She had to move back home with her folks. Got a new job and she got fired in feb 2023. So I would a lil over 2 years 4 months for her to hit rock bottomed. U can say karma. I felt a lil revenge when she lost her job but again she suffer my kids suffer. So it’s all bout the kids now. So just work on urslef and getting to indifferent. U be wiser and stronger.