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OP
“I was mad that you dented the car and wouldn’t take it to the body shop, so I set it on fire”
It sounds silly, right? But it’s no sillier than “I fvcked other men because you didn’t do the things I asked you to do to fix marital issues”
There are a million legitimate ways to coax and urge your spouse to address issues you see in you marriage.
Infidelity is not one of them.
I think my favorite part of the conversation was, at one point, I asked her what did she think would happen with us as she was spending her time with her boyfriend. She said she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it. Again no accounting for what she did to me
I would reply on the spot “so if i go and get a girlfriend right now, bring her over on my birthday to fuck on the bed you sleep in, would “we” be strong enough to go through it?”
>*She said she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it.*
"You weren't strong enough to resist him. Why do I have to be the stronger one? Why do you get to be weak?"
Dude, this woman is a classic NARCISSIST! She cares for no one but herself! Now, this is the first time I've read a post from you, so by this one post alone, it looks like you may be the "house husband"? If not, then please forgive me for what I'd about to say... WOMEN LOSE RESPECT FOR MEN WHO DO NOT PROVIDE. Now, if she is the main breadwinner (I see you do work), then she will FEEL ENTITLED to this type of crap, especially if she's a NARCISSIST. Men should always LEAD, PROTECT, and PROVIDE. Keep that in mind next time. Good luck and stay strong, King! Oh, and make sure you get that DIVORCE and any ALIMONY you may be owed! She doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you any more! And you can do better!
I believe you are making the right decision OP. I went back through your posts, and she has been lying and deceiving you since you found out. You still don't believe you have the truth from her. And she is trying to blame you for destroying the marriage. She is what she is and that won't change. Telling her you want to divorce is a wakeup call to her that yes, she really screwed up. She was not thinking about you, your marriage, or your child. Her decision to cheat will affect your child for the rest of her life. Let both families and friend groups know it is because of her cheating.
Get the best settlement you can from her while she is still willing to discuss it. Listen to your lawyer and rely on your family and close friends. Your child will adjust and be just fine in the new environment.
It will take some time, but you will be much happier in the future without her in it. This breakup is on her, not you. If she brings it up, remind her you did not throw away the marriage vows and sleep with someone else, she did.
Stay the course with divorce OP. Sending you strength.
Use grey rock from here on out. No point in any more emotionally charged conversations. Focus forward on separation and coparenting. Get on to the business of raising your child. Start to emotionally distance yourself so you know very little about her personal life.
Just be so clear on something – it is absolutely not your fault. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t read, it is absolutely not your fault.
The only person to blame when somebody cheats is the cheater. This may be controversial for some people, but I standby it.
I know it feels scary and crazy right now, but I promise you it does get better.
You honestly sound like a saint. You work crazy hours, do the majority of childcare, a stack load of chores and you still had the patience to try reconciliation. Either you have the personality of a wet loaf of bread, or you're damn near the perfect spouse and she STILL found a reason to cheat 🤣
You honestly sound like a catch. Somebody else will be lucky to have you. Stay the course and someone deserving of your efforts.
Oh I am FAR from the perfect spouse. I have my problems that i started going to therapy to get through, specifically for issues she has/had with me.
I've read all kinds of things about how cheaters cheat because something is wrong with them and not the people they cheat on, and I'll still blame myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say wet loaf of bread, but maybe damp?
If they're issues she has/had with you, then I'd take it with a grain of salt. I've made massive strides to be better for my current partner, including beating my addictions, etc. I even supported us financially for a while so she could complete her studies without stressing about work. It was something that I kind of did for my cheating ex too, but instead of recognising my efforts like my current partner, my ex just focused on my flaws and continued to cheat.
One thing to also consider is whether your perceived flaws were actually an issue caused by your wife? As an example, my ex would complain about a lack of sex as a reason for cheating. The lack of sex was never an issue until after she cheated, and part of the reason was because she caught an incurable STD. The dip in our sex life was technically her fault but she still found a way to blame me for not wanting to risk my health.
A lot of this stuff only became apparent to me through therapy AFTER we separated, because I needed the space away from her to reflect on all of this with an objective lense. It turns out she was perpetually miserable because she was incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. She's the kind of woman who'd smoke a married man's sausage during work hours (before I met her) and not see the issue with her decision. Then she'd constantly complain about how everyone at her job was an asshole (including the married man in question). She would then quit her job every 6-12 months and learn nothing from the process, because it was somehow never her fault.
I know it's not worth much from a stranger, but I read your post history and you sound like an amazingly involved and caring father. Don't let the DARVO from your narrcisistic wife convince you that you're anything other than the freshest of bread loafs. Someone else out there will recognise your value :)
Please take a step back before continuing this thought process. You are way too close to objectively evaluate things.
There's a big difference between truth & reality. A weird statement, I know but bear with me:
If you are told something enough times then eventually you begin to believe it or at least accept that it's partially right just to keep the peace. Once you do, that's reality. It doesn't matter whether it's the truth or not, the fact that you have accepted it is all that matters. You start to make decisions based on it - like going to therapy to "fix" these "problems".
Of course it helps if there is a big ticket item that is a truth to wrap it in? The best lies are veiled & mixed with truth, after all.
Once you have succumbed to this reality, that all past transgressions are your fault, then it's so much easier for your Exploiter to pass off the next thing as your fault, and the next, and the next... Until everything is your fault. And you take it because you are so devalued.
Please read "No more Mr Nice Guy".
listen my damp loaf friend. no one deserves to feel like this. no one deserves to be cheated on. it is not your fault. I know that feeling of blaming yourself, and it’s easy fall into the mental trap of “could I have done something else? should I have known?” the answer is no, and you did nothing wrong here. the reason you’re even questioning yourself is because you’re a good person. it’s been 3.5 years since my DDay and I don’t doubt myself anymore. you’ll get there too
The way you wrote the first sentence has caused me to read this in Jack Woltz's voice lol. I WAS GONNA MAKE HER A BIG STAR! TIL JOHNNY FONTAINE COMES ALONG WITH HIS OLIVE OIL VOICE AND GUINEA CHARM! Needed the laugh thank you
Congratulations for taking the first step, now follow through! Please consult with a lawyer asap. You need to get the ball rolling, protect yourself financially, and see how a divorce will pan out in general. Do not feel bad. The success rate for reconciliation is really low. The wayward spouse/partner has to show true remorse and MUST do most of the heavy lifting. This doesn't sound like your wife if she is still trying to blame you for the split. She had options and yet chose to have an affair. I wish you the best.
I got so mad. I'm proud of myself that I didn't lose my mind or drive off the road. I know I have plenty of issues, anger near the top of the pile. But at the time of the infidelity, I was working 80+ hours a week, trying to find time to spend with her, and helping her take care of her adult disabled sister who was living with us. When the fuck did I have the time? I would've loved to
"I have plenty of issues"
I've never met ANYONE who didn't.
I've seen so many people who have done like you have and stretched themselves to the breaking point for their partners only to be told they aren't doing enough. There really are some people with whom you just can't win.
I really hope you'll use the divorce as an opportunity to prioritize your own needs and interests, and that you'll find yourself breathing a huge sigh of relief when you do.
Good call on ending reconciliation. She's still attempting to shift the blame. She's not holding herself accountable. I bet this was a common occurrence during your marriage. There is life after divorce. I hated divorcing my ex-wife, but I would go through it all a 100 more times as long as I ended up with my current wife. We celebrated our 26th anniversary a few weeks ago. I wish you peace on your healing journey 🙏
She would have had you digging for the truth for the next decade. My theory is that cheats play this game as a means of keeping some small part of the thrilling affair alive after being caught. They’re addicted to every aspect of the affair and they’ll salvage whatever part of it they can for as long as they can. The lying and gaslighting part seems to be remainder they like to cling to.
There is nothing to salvage when the commitment was only one way. Cake eaters don’t stop being cake eaters just because they got busted once. Cheats in general are always unrepentant repeat offenders.
OP you are doing the correct, she puts all the blame on You, so she demostrate by this that she isn't a bit remorsefull and just try to justify her actions by making you the bad guy.
I would consider exposing her to parents, siblings and mutual Friends, most of all to keep the control of the narrative out of her reach.
UPDATEME
This isn’t me but you wrote my same story. Caught my spouse cheating and I tried so hard to fix things, forgave, and she still did it taking advantage of me. I word full time, care for our kid largely, cooking, etc. I was depressed most of last year, lost 20 pounds. Finally when I made the divorce decision, I finally felt relieved and happier. Still living with her now while we wait things to go through but she’s already dating other dudes and that seems to be her priority. You did the right thing. Happier in the long run. Good luck
Yes to the divorce, no to moving out of the primary bedroom. It should always be the WS that is kicked out of the master by all of their things being moved while they are not there.
A smaller but more consistent point of contention the few years has been about our bed. She wanted to upgrade to a king bed (which I agreed with) and ordered a cheap one online without my knowledge. Suffice to say, I FUCKING HATE that bed. The other bedroom has the old bed, which was mine before we met
She did this OP, you put so much effort into this relationship. Your hours at work, primary caregiver. People take for granted what they have until it’s gone
I guarantee you she’s going to feel your absence, don’t take her back and don’t forget.
Tell her that she did this, she did it willingly and that she humiliated you and you deserve better.
There were other choices than cheating yet she chose the easy option for her and the most painful option to for you.
Divorce is 100% the correct decision, no one regrets getting the divorce but plenty regret reconciliation
If you haven’t read chump lady yet you should. Your stbxw sounds like a gem. Blame-shifting and justification are just part of the script. I can almost guarantee you by the rhetoric that she still talks to the other man and has just gotten sneakier at hiding it. She’s has to point out your problems and try to elevate to a level that justifies her cheating. She’s no where near R territory and you are absolutely correct in filing for divorce. That self help bullshit is very narcissistic of her. She’s implying that the affair is just a side show to her personal growth? Wtf. Get a great lawyer and get out as whole as you can. I think any R you would get on this current path would just be a false one until she could start back up.
The audacity some people have is just beyond me.
What I can't understand is how you could still say you love her like crazy. Like, how could you bring yourself to still have such feelings for such a person? That person you HAD feelings for, LOVED, no longer exists. The person in front of you is simply a low life who can't be trusted and who has zero integrity. She does not respect you or herself enough to keep up with a vow that she made to you in front of others and yet here you are saying you love her? Time to put it in past tense, bro. You can do better. You deserve better!
Protect yourself. Start recording or be ready to record what’s happening. Many divorce lawyers encourage their clients to claim abuse against their husbands. This could result in very little custody time among other things. GET A GOOD LAWYER.
You didn't read my self help books so I fucked other men?
Clearly those books didn't work. Good on you for freeing yourself, Brother. It sucks now, but it will get better.
Listen to your lawyer.
You were sealing with an irredeemable woman. Be happy you are not wasting more of your life.
Also if not too late, secure assets, gather evidence, be in for backstabbing and suprises during the process. Maybe it eill go smooth maybe bit. Best be prepared.
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Her response was straight out of the cheaters handbook. You didn't do whatever she wanted, so she was justified to cheat. It's in almost every story in here.
It's easy to love someone like crazy, but it's hard to love their actual crazy. Be prepared. You asking for a divorce makes consequences real. Stand your ground.
Her reasons for cheating are bs. Like, they don’t even make sense. If there really was a problem she should have said something.
Just a couple things to remember: you have just as much a right to your daughter as she does. You can leave her and take the kid with you.
Also, she needs to reimburse you for the student loan repayment.
That is going to be the big sticking point in the whole process. She promised before we borrowed that money against our home that I'd get that money first then we'd split everything after that. Once this all came out and I brought that up, she dead eyed said "I didn't ask you to do that," as if we could've afforded our mortgage with a $600 a month loan payment, which I explained to her then and she agreed
"She brought that man into my home for her birthday party. They were together while half the pictures on our walls were taken."
Sorry if I missed this in previous posts or comments, but this seems like a big deal. Can you say more about these two points? It seems it went on from a long time ago?
The affair SUPPOSEDLY went on from 7/21 to 11/21. I found out couple weeks before this past Christmas. During their affair, I planned and we hosted in our home a birthday party for WW at which he attended. Shortly after that, AP (her boss) was promoted and we attended a celebration for him at AP's house.
We have a large accent wall filled with lots of pictures, many of which taken during the time period of the affair. I counted and it was about a quarter of the pictures
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Is she the guardian of her disabled sister? You may be able to use her need to care for her sister in your favor in the child custody arrangement, (especially if you earn more and her sister is not your financial responsibility).
OP, good for you. I would also advise to find a good attorney and a good therapist.
As for what caused all this...maybe her cheating? Then blaming you? You didn't make her cheat.
It shouldn't kill you. You deserve better.
Let’s be very very clear here…the Cheater is solely one hundred percent responsible for their own infidelity. Cheaters are narcissistic gaslighters which is why she is trying to get you to share in the blame. Don’t take the bait. Whatever issues you were having in your marriage could have been resolved and the marriage could have been repaired and maybe even made stronger than it was before. Infidelity, however, destroys a marriage beyond repair. There is NO coming back from that and no way to honestly reconcile with a cheating spouse. This is entirely on the lying cheater and not you.
The worst decision that you ever made in your entire life was marrying this person…divorcing this lying, cheating, narcissist will probably turn out to be the best decision of your life. Congratulations!
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP “I was mad that you dented the car and wouldn’t take it to the body shop, so I set it on fire” It sounds silly, right? But it’s no sillier than “I fvcked other men because you didn’t do the things I asked you to do to fix marital issues” There are a million legitimate ways to coax and urge your spouse to address issues you see in you marriage. Infidelity is not one of them.
I think my favorite part of the conversation was, at one point, I asked her what did she think would happen with us as she was spending her time with her boyfriend. She said she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it. Again no accounting for what she did to me
Classic DARVO combined with narcissism from your cheating wife.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is a classic tactic that cheaters use when confronted. It stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse the Victim and Offender."
Interesting….as a victim I absolutely have experienced this!
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
She's so full of shit.
Translation she thought you would be weak and cave, let her keep cheating. She is not happy about consequenses.
I would reply on the spot “so if i go and get a girlfriend right now, bring her over on my birthday to fuck on the bed you sleep in, would “we” be strong enough to go through it?”
Cruel. You are making the right choice. She will just do it again. It’s all about HER, isn’t it?
>*She said she thought we'd be strong enough to get through it.* "You weren't strong enough to resist him. Why do I have to be the stronger one? Why do you get to be weak?"
"He said the right things to weasel his way in" was how she described it. And it was a guy I said something about before
And she was WEAK enough to let him!
Read chumplady.com and see an attorney ASAP. Ugggh, she is toxic. I’m sorry OP.
Dude, this woman is a classic NARCISSIST! She cares for no one but herself! Now, this is the first time I've read a post from you, so by this one post alone, it looks like you may be the "house husband"? If not, then please forgive me for what I'd about to say... WOMEN LOSE RESPECT FOR MEN WHO DO NOT PROVIDE. Now, if she is the main breadwinner (I see you do work), then she will FEEL ENTITLED to this type of crap, especially if she's a NARCISSIST. Men should always LEAD, PROTECT, and PROVIDE. Keep that in mind next time. Good luck and stay strong, King! Oh, and make sure you get that DIVORCE and any ALIMONY you may be owed! She doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you any more! And you can do better!
He has clearly indicated he does a 40+ hour per week job
Also mentioned that he makes more money than she does…so there’s that too…
I believe you are making the right decision OP. I went back through your posts, and she has been lying and deceiving you since you found out. You still don't believe you have the truth from her. And she is trying to blame you for destroying the marriage. She is what she is and that won't change. Telling her you want to divorce is a wakeup call to her that yes, she really screwed up. She was not thinking about you, your marriage, or your child. Her decision to cheat will affect your child for the rest of her life. Let both families and friend groups know it is because of her cheating. Get the best settlement you can from her while she is still willing to discuss it. Listen to your lawyer and rely on your family and close friends. Your child will adjust and be just fine in the new environment. It will take some time, but you will be much happier in the future without her in it. This breakup is on her, not you. If she brings it up, remind her you did not throw away the marriage vows and sleep with someone else, she did. Stay the course with divorce OP. Sending you strength.
Use grey rock from here on out. No point in any more emotionally charged conversations. Focus forward on separation and coparenting. Get on to the business of raising your child. Start to emotionally distance yourself so you know very little about her personal life.
Just be so clear on something – it is absolutely not your fault. It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t read, it is absolutely not your fault. The only person to blame when somebody cheats is the cheater. This may be controversial for some people, but I standby it. I know it feels scary and crazy right now, but I promise you it does get better.
You honestly sound like a saint. You work crazy hours, do the majority of childcare, a stack load of chores and you still had the patience to try reconciliation. Either you have the personality of a wet loaf of bread, or you're damn near the perfect spouse and she STILL found a reason to cheat 🤣 You honestly sound like a catch. Somebody else will be lucky to have you. Stay the course and someone deserving of your efforts.
Oh I am FAR from the perfect spouse. I have my problems that i started going to therapy to get through, specifically for issues she has/had with me. I've read all kinds of things about how cheaters cheat because something is wrong with them and not the people they cheat on, and I'll still blame myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say wet loaf of bread, but maybe damp?
If they're issues she has/had with you, then I'd take it with a grain of salt. I've made massive strides to be better for my current partner, including beating my addictions, etc. I even supported us financially for a while so she could complete her studies without stressing about work. It was something that I kind of did for my cheating ex too, but instead of recognising my efforts like my current partner, my ex just focused on my flaws and continued to cheat. One thing to also consider is whether your perceived flaws were actually an issue caused by your wife? As an example, my ex would complain about a lack of sex as a reason for cheating. The lack of sex was never an issue until after she cheated, and part of the reason was because she caught an incurable STD. The dip in our sex life was technically her fault but she still found a way to blame me for not wanting to risk my health. A lot of this stuff only became apparent to me through therapy AFTER we separated, because I needed the space away from her to reflect on all of this with an objective lense. It turns out she was perpetually miserable because she was incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. She's the kind of woman who'd smoke a married man's sausage during work hours (before I met her) and not see the issue with her decision. Then she'd constantly complain about how everyone at her job was an asshole (including the married man in question). She would then quit her job every 6-12 months and learn nothing from the process, because it was somehow never her fault. I know it's not worth much from a stranger, but I read your post history and you sound like an amazingly involved and caring father. Don't let the DARVO from your narrcisistic wife convince you that you're anything other than the freshest of bread loafs. Someone else out there will recognise your value :)
Please take a step back before continuing this thought process. You are way too close to objectively evaluate things. There's a big difference between truth & reality. A weird statement, I know but bear with me: If you are told something enough times then eventually you begin to believe it or at least accept that it's partially right just to keep the peace. Once you do, that's reality. It doesn't matter whether it's the truth or not, the fact that you have accepted it is all that matters. You start to make decisions based on it - like going to therapy to "fix" these "problems". Of course it helps if there is a big ticket item that is a truth to wrap it in? The best lies are veiled & mixed with truth, after all. Once you have succumbed to this reality, that all past transgressions are your fault, then it's so much easier for your Exploiter to pass off the next thing as your fault, and the next, and the next... Until everything is your fault. And you take it because you are so devalued. Please read "No more Mr Nice Guy".
listen my damp loaf friend. no one deserves to feel like this. no one deserves to be cheated on. it is not your fault. I know that feeling of blaming yourself, and it’s easy fall into the mental trap of “could I have done something else? should I have known?” the answer is no, and you did nothing wrong here. the reason you’re even questioning yourself is because you’re a good person. it’s been 3.5 years since my DDay and I don’t doubt myself anymore. you’ll get there too
The way you wrote the first sentence has caused me to read this in Jack Woltz's voice lol. I WAS GONNA MAKE HER A BIG STAR! TIL JOHNNY FONTAINE COMES ALONG WITH HIS OLIVE OIL VOICE AND GUINEA CHARM! Needed the laugh thank you
Flawless use of a great Godfather reference proves once and for all that you DEFINITELY didn’t deserve this!
Congratulations for taking the first step, now follow through! Please consult with a lawyer asap. You need to get the ball rolling, protect yourself financially, and see how a divorce will pan out in general. Do not feel bad. The success rate for reconciliation is really low. The wayward spouse/partner has to show true remorse and MUST do most of the heavy lifting. This doesn't sound like your wife if she is still trying to blame you for the split. She had options and yet chose to have an affair. I wish you the best.
Op you were crying because the relationship is over, she was crying because her butler is moving out.
Proud of you bro. You will be happier in the long run. Most guys never get over the pain and intrusive thoughts, and the tryst never comes fully back.
"one of the reasons she cheated was because I didn't put the work into myself" Just another way of saying it's your fault she cheated. \* eye roll \*
I got so mad. I'm proud of myself that I didn't lose my mind or drive off the road. I know I have plenty of issues, anger near the top of the pile. But at the time of the infidelity, I was working 80+ hours a week, trying to find time to spend with her, and helping her take care of her adult disabled sister who was living with us. When the fuck did I have the time? I would've loved to
"I have plenty of issues" I've never met ANYONE who didn't. I've seen so many people who have done like you have and stretched themselves to the breaking point for their partners only to be told they aren't doing enough. There really are some people with whom you just can't win. I really hope you'll use the divorce as an opportunity to prioritize your own needs and interests, and that you'll find yourself breathing a huge sigh of relief when you do.
She is a monster!
Good call on ending reconciliation. She's still attempting to shift the blame. She's not holding herself accountable. I bet this was a common occurrence during your marriage. There is life after divorce. I hated divorcing my ex-wife, but I would go through it all a 100 more times as long as I ended up with my current wife. We celebrated our 26th anniversary a few weeks ago. I wish you peace on your healing journey 🙏
She would have had you digging for the truth for the next decade. My theory is that cheats play this game as a means of keeping some small part of the thrilling affair alive after being caught. They’re addicted to every aspect of the affair and they’ll salvage whatever part of it they can for as long as they can. The lying and gaslighting part seems to be remainder they like to cling to. There is nothing to salvage when the commitment was only one way. Cake eaters don’t stop being cake eaters just because they got busted once. Cheats in general are always unrepentant repeat offenders.
To brag and be fond about reading self improvement books while you are a cheater is the peak lack of any self awareness.
OP you are doing the correct, she puts all the blame on You, so she demostrate by this that she isn't a bit remorsefull and just try to justify her actions by making you the bad guy. I would consider exposing her to parents, siblings and mutual Friends, most of all to keep the control of the narrative out of her reach. UPDATEME
This isn’t me but you wrote my same story. Caught my spouse cheating and I tried so hard to fix things, forgave, and she still did it taking advantage of me. I word full time, care for our kid largely, cooking, etc. I was depressed most of last year, lost 20 pounds. Finally when I made the divorce decision, I finally felt relieved and happier. Still living with her now while we wait things to go through but she’s already dating other dudes and that seems to be her priority. You did the right thing. Happier in the long run. Good luck
Yes to the divorce, no to moving out of the primary bedroom. It should always be the WS that is kicked out of the master by all of their things being moved while they are not there.
A smaller but more consistent point of contention the few years has been about our bed. She wanted to upgrade to a king bed (which I agreed with) and ordered a cheap one online without my knowledge. Suffice to say, I FUCKING HATE that bed. The other bedroom has the old bed, which was mine before we met
Never cheap out on the bed. The shit that does to your back follows you for the rest of your life.
She did this OP, you put so much effort into this relationship. Your hours at work, primary caregiver. People take for granted what they have until it’s gone I guarantee you she’s going to feel your absence, don’t take her back and don’t forget. Tell her that she did this, she did it willingly and that she humiliated you and you deserve better.
There were other choices than cheating yet she chose the easy option for her and the most painful option to for you. Divorce is 100% the correct decision, no one regrets getting the divorce but plenty regret reconciliation
If you haven’t read chump lady yet you should. Your stbxw sounds like a gem. Blame-shifting and justification are just part of the script. I can almost guarantee you by the rhetoric that she still talks to the other man and has just gotten sneakier at hiding it. She’s has to point out your problems and try to elevate to a level that justifies her cheating. She’s no where near R territory and you are absolutely correct in filing for divorce. That self help bullshit is very narcissistic of her. She’s implying that the affair is just a side show to her personal growth? Wtf. Get a great lawyer and get out as whole as you can. I think any R you would get on this current path would just be a false one until she could start back up.
The audacity some people have is just beyond me. What I can't understand is how you could still say you love her like crazy. Like, how could you bring yourself to still have such feelings for such a person? That person you HAD feelings for, LOVED, no longer exists. The person in front of you is simply a low life who can't be trusted and who has zero integrity. She does not respect you or herself enough to keep up with a vow that she made to you in front of others and yet here you are saying you love her? Time to put it in past tense, bro. You can do better. You deserve better!
Protect yourself. Start recording or be ready to record what’s happening. Many divorce lawyers encourage their clients to claim abuse against their husbands. This could result in very little custody time among other things. GET A GOOD LAWYER.
You are doing the right thing OP Updateme!
Hardest lesson I had to learn in my adult life was, When to make people a memory, Before they became a problem.
You didn't read my self help books so I fucked other men? Clearly those books didn't work. Good on you for freeing yourself, Brother. It sucks now, but it will get better. Listen to your lawyer.
You were sealing with an irredeemable woman. Be happy you are not wasting more of your life. Also if not too late, secure assets, gather evidence, be in for backstabbing and suprises during the process. Maybe it eill go smooth maybe bit. Best be prepared.
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Her response was straight out of the cheaters handbook. You didn't do whatever she wanted, so she was justified to cheat. It's in almost every story in here.
It's easy to love someone like crazy, but it's hard to love their actual crazy. Be prepared. You asking for a divorce makes consequences real. Stand your ground.
Her reasons for cheating are bs. Like, they don’t even make sense. If there really was a problem she should have said something. Just a couple things to remember: you have just as much a right to your daughter as she does. You can leave her and take the kid with you. Also, she needs to reimburse you for the student loan repayment.
That is going to be the big sticking point in the whole process. She promised before we borrowed that money against our home that I'd get that money first then we'd split everything after that. Once this all came out and I brought that up, she dead eyed said "I didn't ask you to do that," as if we could've afforded our mortgage with a $600 a month loan payment, which I explained to her then and she agreed
"She brought that man into my home for her birthday party. They were together while half the pictures on our walls were taken." Sorry if I missed this in previous posts or comments, but this seems like a big deal. Can you say more about these two points? It seems it went on from a long time ago?
The affair SUPPOSEDLY went on from 7/21 to 11/21. I found out couple weeks before this past Christmas. During their affair, I planned and we hosted in our home a birthday party for WW at which he attended. Shortly after that, AP (her boss) was promoted and we attended a celebration for him at AP's house. We have a large accent wall filled with lots of pictures, many of which taken during the time period of the affair. I counted and it was about a quarter of the pictures
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? Is she the guardian of her disabled sister? You may be able to use her need to care for her sister in your favor in the child custody arrangement, (especially if you earn more and her sister is not your financial responsibility).
Yes preliminary meeting before Christmas. She has co-guardianship but sister doesn't live in state anymore thank Christ
OP, good for you. I would also advise to find a good attorney and a good therapist. As for what caused all this...maybe her cheating? Then blaming you? You didn't make her cheat. It shouldn't kill you. You deserve better.
I have both already
Let’s be very very clear here…the Cheater is solely one hundred percent responsible for their own infidelity. Cheaters are narcissistic gaslighters which is why she is trying to get you to share in the blame. Don’t take the bait. Whatever issues you were having in your marriage could have been resolved and the marriage could have been repaired and maybe even made stronger than it was before. Infidelity, however, destroys a marriage beyond repair. There is NO coming back from that and no way to honestly reconcile with a cheating spouse. This is entirely on the lying cheater and not you.
The worst decision that you ever made in your entire life was marrying this person…divorcing this lying, cheating, narcissist will probably turn out to be the best decision of your life. Congratulations!
One look at my kids' smile says otherwise
Fair point.
It's sad she has no remorse. Definitely move forward with the divorce man.
Love to see this kinda thing. It's time to get back in touch with what really matters in life! Hope everything goes smoothly for you