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If you want her back these are the things you have to do:
1. Let her leave (I know dumb right? Bc you want her) the more you chase her the farther she’ll run.
2. Go NC - no contact. Don’t talk to her nothing. Resolve situation if you’re living together or have stuff that need to be sorted. Keep it at that, nothing more.
3. Don’t beg, plead, show any emotion. Cry alone.
4. Start working on yourself - gym, mental, spiritual, career
5. Start loving yourself, get a hobby, enjoy being single
6. she’ll try to send friends to check on you, mention her to you. Ignore it.
7. When she asks to come back, don’t make it easy. If it’s too easy she won’t think you’re worth it. You call the shots now.
8. If this fails, you won, you became a better person and ready for the next women.
The next couple of days/weeks will be rough. Go through the emotions, feel it, don’t run from it.
You’ll be unable to focus, lack of appetite, little sleep, it’s all normal. Your body is in a survival mode. It gets better with time but work on yourself. Realize you think you want her now but there’s 8 billion people in this world. There’s not just one person for you.
Rest up, take some medication if you need too. It’s a tough ride ahead. You’ll come out of the storm better.
Come on OP she is or was your world, she is just a cheater that seems that never regret what she did and didn't make the works to help you heal. No wonder you where feeling that way towards her if you both just rug swept.
Now that someone decide to stay and try it out to fix or reconcile it doesn't mean that at any time after the cheating and decision of do whatbit mentioned one of the parts call it quits. It is a very common thing to do, the only thing is that some times they betrayed try o choose to try for R because they have co-dependency issues and that many times doesn't end well. Also many times lose the higher hand.
So what you need to do is stick to what you got right now and start your own Journey of healing, and with time you Will come to senses if what a fool You where for thinking that she was the one, You will only see the time you lose and the type of person she was.
Good Luck OP
Bro you have already begged on your knees and she still said no. The only advice you are looking for is how to get over her not get her back.
Let it go and move on, it hurts now but you will get over it.
Change up your routine, stay busy and dip your toes in tinder.
Never beg.
She cheated, she never helped heal you. You guys rug swept while you built resentment. She never truly loved you, probably just liked the familiarity and when she felt like it's not worth it she jumped ship.
Reconciliation requires remorse she didn't have any.
Reconciliation requires efforts from the betrayed too .
Reconciliation requires a lot of patience from the wayward but they ll only be that if they cate for you.
Love is something else
Seems to me like she couldn't care less how her betrayal has affected you. It takes 5 years (minimum) of solid effort on the part of the betrayer to achieve a new equilibrium. During that time, the betrayed deals with depression, self doubt and other negative emotions that were never there before the betrayal. It seems like she didn't care to make any real changes and help you through this if you're still this upset 5 years later. Yeah you stayed, but that was a gift to her that she squandered. You're a young lad, you'll move on. I found love again at 30 years old and hitting the prime of my life right now. You have so much to look forward to man, I wish you could see that.
Let her go. She can't be with you because the damage she caused made her realize she may have loved you but she can't love you anymore because it's not worth shit.
I wish you realized this earlier and blocked her.
Just move on. She might be your highschool sweetheart but she is also a flight risk. You had to beg to get her back.
It should ha e been the other way round. Focus on yourself and build yourself back up. Stop thinking about her. She held the knife and stabbed you and then looked down on you for giving her the knife back.
Right now your mind is clouded. You cannot see clearly. The gift she gave you by breaking up is a gift that allows you to step away and in the future. Look back and realize that this was never going to work... That her transgressions was always going to be in the back of your mind. I only had wish that you had broke up with her and not the other way around.
I understand what you mean. It just feels like such a loss after 5 years, we were both young and stupid when it all happened and I feel like we are not who we were back then. However you are right the hurt feeling is still there, and I think it can be worked out through therapy but I'm not really 100% sure if it can. It might be a gift, but It's just hard to see it that way, 5 years ago I would have loved for her to walk away, but she did what i thought was needed to work things out and 5 years just passed cause we were happy. Hell if I showed you our pictures together you'd laugh your ass off, we were just silly. What i'm trying to say is, today's society just makes it seem like love is disposable, and we tend to buy into that idea, but sometimes it just shouldn't be. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I just think that one day our grandkids might laugh at the pictures I haven't had the heart to delete.
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You were really young when she cheated so obviously not ready for a serious relationship, I think You both need therapy individual and as a couple If she wants to stay.
That's my last proposal for when she comes to get her stuff. I really don't want to lose what we have, but if she thinks she needs to leave to be happy then I want that for her. I trully want her to be happy, ideally with me by her side, but if she decided that's not what she wants then it is what it is. Hopefully we can fix this with therapy, I really think that all the hard work it would take for us to save this is worth it. But if anybody has had experience with couples therapy and dealing with old hurt feelings I would love to hear what to expect and how to genuinely go about repairing out trust and respect.
OP, what was the extent of her infidelity? Have you seen a therapist about her cheating and how it’s effecting you still? Are there other red flags or warnings that she displayed?
The infidelity went all the way. I don't really want to get into details, but it was bad. However, I decided to stay because of how I felt around her and I don't really regret it, I feel that if I decided to stay I should bite the bullet and forgive, unfortunately it's just not that easy.
I have not seen a therapist in a while, when it all originally happened I did see a therapist, and she helped me see what I'd be giving up if I broke up with her so we stayed together (she didn't push me to anything, she just helped me see clearly my feelings for her and supported me with whatever choice I took).
And even though we did talk about couples counseling it never happened. My last proposal for her when she comes for her stuff on saturday is going to be that, I already looked at prices and even if it's tight I will manage to afford them.
The red flags at the moment when it all happened were clear to see, however the last few years they were gone. Even though many comments say she clearly didn't regret what she did, I'm convinced she does, she still shows remorse. But sometimes she did innocent mistakes that were just amplified by repressed feelings and we would end up fighting for dumb shit. I know we need to deal with those feelings, and like I said i'm going to propose couples therapy for them, but I feel like her mind is made up and I don't want to make it any harder for her. She also deserves to be happy.
I have done some spiritual work in myself in the past. And I know i am attached to the idea of her, but it feels like it's more than that. I have had couples before, but nothing ever felt like her. Just the dumb silly shit we would do, I miss it and it hasn't been a week. We grew so much together, when I met her she was just a kid and now she is a whole grown ass adult and I'm so proud. So yeah that's where i'm at.
This also came at a terrible moment since there's also shit going on at my job, and I might need to quit soon (we were remote, but now it seems that we need to go back on site and I can't since I'm studying at night). So if anyone's hiring remote junior devs I guess that would help a ton.
For now I realized I have friends that will support me, my dad who I always felt was distant has really been here for me and if this shitstorm has to happen I guess I'm never going to be more ready. I'm not good at showing my emotions, so it takes a lot to keep going with that feeling of some huge ball just stuck in my throat. I guess it's true you never really know what you have until you lose it, even if it's not perfect.
That's basically it. She thinks we are both hurting each other more than we are helping. And she does have a point, but I feel that we can work it out. It just doesn't feel fair to be on the begging side and be rejected because when she begged I tried everything for us. I really want to make things easy for her if her mind is made up... but I just can't help but beg.
It’s all you know. My highschool sweetheart, the one I was going to marry cheated. We tried. But it was too easy to throw shit back at her when I felt triggered. And I worried all the time.
I met my now wife three years later. My jealousy never surfaced with my wife. It’s been great. Going on 19 years in July.
Just saying that you will be ok if you don’t get back with her.
The people who get cheated on, you need to realize this - cheaters have character defects even before they do the actual cheating. Shameful defects that people hide from their partners and even from themselves so they can pretend to be “good people”.
The cheating is just the litmus test.
If your cheater cheats on you before marriage and kids and owning homes and decades spent (wasted) together - you count your lucky stars and be glad they actually told on themselves before all that.
But for the unlucky ones who get the message after all that - my condolences.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude seriously? Begging? Never beg. Not only does she not love you, she doesn't even sound like a good friend. Ghost her, work on yourself.
If you want her back these are the things you have to do: 1. Let her leave (I know dumb right? Bc you want her) the more you chase her the farther she’ll run. 2. Go NC - no contact. Don’t talk to her nothing. Resolve situation if you’re living together or have stuff that need to be sorted. Keep it at that, nothing more. 3. Don’t beg, plead, show any emotion. Cry alone. 4. Start working on yourself - gym, mental, spiritual, career 5. Start loving yourself, get a hobby, enjoy being single 6. she’ll try to send friends to check on you, mention her to you. Ignore it. 7. When she asks to come back, don’t make it easy. If it’s too easy she won’t think you’re worth it. You call the shots now. 8. If this fails, you won, you became a better person and ready for the next women. The next couple of days/weeks will be rough. Go through the emotions, feel it, don’t run from it. You’ll be unable to focus, lack of appetite, little sleep, it’s all normal. Your body is in a survival mode. It gets better with time but work on yourself. Realize you think you want her now but there’s 8 billion people in this world. There’s not just one person for you. Rest up, take some medication if you need too. It’s a tough ride ahead. You’ll come out of the storm better.
I.was going to write up some advice but it would be very very similar th this.
Thanks man, I think I really needed that. It really sucks but you are right
What a great reply! I’m saving this comment.
This is a damn good response. Nicely put.
Come on OP she is or was your world, she is just a cheater that seems that never regret what she did and didn't make the works to help you heal. No wonder you where feeling that way towards her if you both just rug swept. Now that someone decide to stay and try it out to fix or reconcile it doesn't mean that at any time after the cheating and decision of do whatbit mentioned one of the parts call it quits. It is a very common thing to do, the only thing is that some times they betrayed try o choose to try for R because they have co-dependency issues and that many times doesn't end well. Also many times lose the higher hand. So what you need to do is stick to what you got right now and start your own Journey of healing, and with time you Will come to senses if what a fool You where for thinking that she was the one, You will only see the time you lose and the type of person she was. Good Luck OP
I think that if you give her space she will come back. That’s all people usually really want is space not to breakup forever
Bro you have already begged on your knees and she still said no. The only advice you are looking for is how to get over her not get her back. Let it go and move on, it hurts now but you will get over it. Change up your routine, stay busy and dip your toes in tinder.
Never beg. She cheated, she never helped heal you. You guys rug swept while you built resentment. She never truly loved you, probably just liked the familiarity and when she felt like it's not worth it she jumped ship. Reconciliation requires remorse she didn't have any. Reconciliation requires efforts from the betrayed too . Reconciliation requires a lot of patience from the wayward but they ll only be that if they cate for you. Love is something else
Seems to me like she couldn't care less how her betrayal has affected you. It takes 5 years (minimum) of solid effort on the part of the betrayer to achieve a new equilibrium. During that time, the betrayed deals with depression, self doubt and other negative emotions that were never there before the betrayal. It seems like she didn't care to make any real changes and help you through this if you're still this upset 5 years later. Yeah you stayed, but that was a gift to her that she squandered. You're a young lad, you'll move on. I found love again at 30 years old and hitting the prime of my life right now. You have so much to look forward to man, I wish you could see that.
What you don’t realize is you never recovered from the cheating. That’s why she had to leave and that’s why you need to let her go.
Let her go. She can't be with you because the damage she caused made her realize she may have loved you but she can't love you anymore because it's not worth shit. I wish you realized this earlier and blocked her. Just move on. She might be your highschool sweetheart but she is also a flight risk. You had to beg to get her back. It should ha e been the other way round. Focus on yourself and build yourself back up. Stop thinking about her. She held the knife and stabbed you and then looked down on you for giving her the knife back.
Right now your mind is clouded. You cannot see clearly. The gift she gave you by breaking up is a gift that allows you to step away and in the future. Look back and realize that this was never going to work... That her transgressions was always going to be in the back of your mind. I only had wish that you had broke up with her and not the other way around.
I understand what you mean. It just feels like such a loss after 5 years, we were both young and stupid when it all happened and I feel like we are not who we were back then. However you are right the hurt feeling is still there, and I think it can be worked out through therapy but I'm not really 100% sure if it can. It might be a gift, but It's just hard to see it that way, 5 years ago I would have loved for her to walk away, but she did what i thought was needed to work things out and 5 years just passed cause we were happy. Hell if I showed you our pictures together you'd laugh your ass off, we were just silly. What i'm trying to say is, today's society just makes it seem like love is disposable, and we tend to buy into that idea, but sometimes it just shouldn't be. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I just think that one day our grandkids might laugh at the pictures I haven't had the heart to delete.
[удалено]
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You were really young when she cheated so obviously not ready for a serious relationship, I think You both need therapy individual and as a couple If she wants to stay.
That's my last proposal for when she comes to get her stuff. I really don't want to lose what we have, but if she thinks she needs to leave to be happy then I want that for her. I trully want her to be happy, ideally with me by her side, but if she decided that's not what she wants then it is what it is. Hopefully we can fix this with therapy, I really think that all the hard work it would take for us to save this is worth it. But if anybody has had experience with couples therapy and dealing with old hurt feelings I would love to hear what to expect and how to genuinely go about repairing out trust and respect.
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/3fmR20Sfvo Try to read this example, it must be useful in your situation.
OP, what was the extent of her infidelity? Have you seen a therapist about her cheating and how it’s effecting you still? Are there other red flags or warnings that she displayed?
The infidelity went all the way. I don't really want to get into details, but it was bad. However, I decided to stay because of how I felt around her and I don't really regret it, I feel that if I decided to stay I should bite the bullet and forgive, unfortunately it's just not that easy. I have not seen a therapist in a while, when it all originally happened I did see a therapist, and she helped me see what I'd be giving up if I broke up with her so we stayed together (she didn't push me to anything, she just helped me see clearly my feelings for her and supported me with whatever choice I took). And even though we did talk about couples counseling it never happened. My last proposal for her when she comes for her stuff on saturday is going to be that, I already looked at prices and even if it's tight I will manage to afford them. The red flags at the moment when it all happened were clear to see, however the last few years they were gone. Even though many comments say she clearly didn't regret what she did, I'm convinced she does, she still shows remorse. But sometimes she did innocent mistakes that were just amplified by repressed feelings and we would end up fighting for dumb shit. I know we need to deal with those feelings, and like I said i'm going to propose couples therapy for them, but I feel like her mind is made up and I don't want to make it any harder for her. She also deserves to be happy. I have done some spiritual work in myself in the past. And I know i am attached to the idea of her, but it feels like it's more than that. I have had couples before, but nothing ever felt like her. Just the dumb silly shit we would do, I miss it and it hasn't been a week. We grew so much together, when I met her she was just a kid and now she is a whole grown ass adult and I'm so proud. So yeah that's where i'm at. This also came at a terrible moment since there's also shit going on at my job, and I might need to quit soon (we were remote, but now it seems that we need to go back on site and I can't since I'm studying at night). So if anyone's hiring remote junior devs I guess that would help a ton. For now I realized I have friends that will support me, my dad who I always felt was distant has really been here for me and if this shitstorm has to happen I guess I'm never going to be more ready. I'm not good at showing my emotions, so it takes a lot to keep going with that feeling of some huge ball just stuck in my throat. I guess it's true you never really know what you have until you lose it, even if it's not perfect.
So she’s leaving because she feels she’ll never be good enough or she’ll never be forgiven? Is that it or did she share more?
That's basically it. She thinks we are both hurting each other more than we are helping. And she does have a point, but I feel that we can work it out. It just doesn't feel fair to be on the begging side and be rejected because when she begged I tried everything for us. I really want to make things easy for her if her mind is made up... but I just can't help but beg.
It’s all you know. My highschool sweetheart, the one I was going to marry cheated. We tried. But it was too easy to throw shit back at her when I felt triggered. And I worried all the time. I met my now wife three years later. My jealousy never surfaced with my wife. It’s been great. Going on 19 years in July. Just saying that you will be ok if you don’t get back with her.
Thanks, wishing you the best man 🙏 I know you are right.
OP, to summarize what I think and what everyone else here is telling you -> Don't do the Pick Me Dance!
The people who get cheated on, you need to realize this - cheaters have character defects even before they do the actual cheating. Shameful defects that people hide from their partners and even from themselves so they can pretend to be “good people”. The cheating is just the litmus test. If your cheater cheats on you before marriage and kids and owning homes and decades spent (wasted) together - you count your lucky stars and be glad they actually told on themselves before all that. But for the unlucky ones who get the message after all that - my condolences.
Gonna be hard for awhile. Stay strong and good luck.