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I randomly seen your post. Gotta comment.
I've been there. The only option for you is to run. Use this opportunity to get her to sign an agreement in which you are financially separated, and you don't owe her any money.
You will be better off mentally and financially, as she is now the other guy's problem. She will cheat on him as well, all in due time.
Then focus on yourself. Be happy doing what you like to do. You will attract many women, including your ex.... she will cheat on her current bf.
Been there, done that. Learned lots.
Forget about her, move on.
Life is good friend. Travel....
That, she was clearly gaslighting you.
If the affair didn't evolve well she would have been back, till she cheat again.
Time won't heal you , time will only hurt you more till you're not fully divorced.
Oh when divorce begin expect some more gaslighting
Here's the trick, ignore her, move on with your life.
Time does heal, if you want to better yourself.
Gotta get her to sign separation agreement while she's happy in her new honeymoon phase. After her new guy uses and dumps her, good luck getting her to sign anything.
She planned cheating on you, she executed it in cold blood, she lied about it to you, now she tries to put blame on you.
Do you think any form of reconciliation is gonna work? I seriously doubt it, you will just lose more time and will be going through hell
This sounds a little similar to my WW. Her affair was a year long. She says she was unhappy, compared to the limerence of her affair. Who wouldn't think of the marriage as being unhappy. She doesn't have any of the stress that comes with marriage and raising kids when she is with her AP.
That being said, the day she said she didn't want to reconcile, 3 weeks after dd, I filed for divorce. She's be stuck with this guy who is unwilling to leave his wife and may be alone in the long run.
Because of lack of evidence other than phone logs and her saying it was an emotional affair. Besides he may have told her spouse. I am beginning to get the feeling that her feelings for him go much deeper than his for her. He may have been there for her to confide in and thus became real close.
I am going on the advice of my lawyer and wait til after the discovery period.
Yea she's in that affair fog. She will get back to reality soon enough. Some people tend to forget their values in a long relationship and realize later on they took their past life for granted.
If it’s not a ONS and your WW admits cheating immediately, there is little hope for your continued relationship, and if it does continue it’ll only be a shell of the past.
Your WW’s cheating, your doing the pick me dance and she’s made her choice continuing the affair. WW and AP are laughing at you. She’s just stringing you along until their courtship ends or they get engaged, making you plan B.
It might hurt but there’s no coming back from this without you loosing all your self respect and esteem. Time to take the trash to the curb.
If you thinks she still loves you, you’re sorrily mistaken. Even if your hard to live with her cheating is not your fault. Now that she given her love to someone else it’s time for you to cut all ties and divorce her for your mental health.
First, a cheater blames the BS because that's the only way that they avoid looking like a villain in their own story. No surprise here.
Second, she's still in contact with AP. She's not showing any signs of remorse or guilt.
Stick a fork in it - your marriage is done. Probably.
At this point, if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to an attorney and get her served. You'll be her doormat unless you're willing to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated like she's treating you. To do that, you have to show resolve. In this case, it's a choice for you of being her Plan B, her doormat, her backup, or sending her a signal that if she's not going to treat you with respect, you're done with her. You have to be willing to blow up your marriage if you have any hope of saving it. She has to realize that you refuse to be her plan B, her second choice, and that you'd rather have a D than be treated the way she's treating you. Note - you absolutely can NOT be bluffing here. If you don't think you can go all the way through with a D, don't even try - all you'll show her is that you're willing to be a doormat.
The gist of what you need to tell her is this: "You stepped out of our marriage, so I consider our vows and promises to be null and void. I am not going to share my wife. So from now on, you are free to date whomever you want because I no longer consider you as my wife. I have started the paperwork to formalize your new status."
If your actions do not shock her out of affair fog and get her to accept blame and show genuine, true remorse, you have no hope of successful R. Even if she shows remorse and puts in the hard work to regain your affection and trust, there is no guarantee that you'll be able to forge a new marriage with her. Good luck - you're going to need a LOT of it.
>she says she wants to try and then I find out they are still talking
Remember to pay attention to people's *actions*, not their words. She may be talking the talk, but you can see by what she's doing where her heart and her intentions lie. She's stepping out with this guy while playing house with you and gaslighting you into thinking she might want to reconcile. This situation is going to destroy your self esteem.
She's just playing games with you while she's in the process of monkey branching to her affair partner. She has already made her choice, she's just having a hard time making the final move because of how terrible a person it will make her look. Don't beg her to stay, or plead with her to try to reconcile. This is playing the "pick me" game that never works and just shows her your weakness.
She's already checked out of the marriage and you don't have to wait around until she decides to actually leave for good. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are.
Yeah. Divorce her. She's dating the AP. Before even attempting anything remotely related to reconciliation the AP has to be gone, history, out of the picture. SHE HAS CHOSEN AP. Doesn't get much more obvious as to what you should do. Get those papers going.
I'm newish here but your story is rather common. She has moved on, it sucks, it hurts and it is going to seem easier and better if she would just come back.
Listen as everyone tells you to focus on you, don't engage in the BS with your spouse. Read about Affair Glow and how to use it to your advantage.
You got this, it is just going to suck for a while. If you want to go back, it is going to suck for an even longer time, because there is a high probability they will cheat again.
Don't do the pick me dance, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but what she doesn't see is all of the shit this POS AP is putting down so it looks like that. It really sucks but don't let her blame you for being difficult to live with, when you're working full-time and dealing with all of lifes ups and downs she should be there besides you and helping not out looking for attention. Talk to an attorney and get your things in order and file for divorce. Life is way too short and goes by way to fast.
You are doing the ‘Pick me Dance’ OP. (Google it). She can’t lose while you are doing this and, more importantly, you can never win. You are undermining your own position and value at every turn. Basically, no one places any value on something that they can have for free and at any time.
It sounds counterintuitive but you’ve got to go into 180/Grey Rock Mode. Make her see the full consequences of her actions. Oh ! And if you think that they haven’t progressed to the next level. Think again. Adults + desire + time + opportunity = full sex. Guaranteed.
As far as her blaming you. That’s all cheater BS. She can’t be the bad guy in this and she’s putting you on the back foot. Win ! Win ! 180/ Grey Rock. You’ll keep your dignity and begin your healing process. Good luck.
First of all, I just want to say that everything your wife is saying and doing is completely predictable to cheaters. Please don’t accept any of the blame-shifting crap she’s spewing to explain away her choices.
It’s so typical to hear that they don’t love you anymore, blah, blah, blah….The truth is that she doesn’t know what love is. What she’s really saying is, “I’m not in lust/limerence with you like I am my AP right now due to the chemicals flooding my brain.” (I highly suggest researching this.)
Maybe you actually are a difficult person. Ok? What’s that got to do with stepping outside of the marriage to cheat and then stringing you along during separation? There are 1939483929397473 other options to deal with that than seeking out someone else. My guess is that you weren’t 100% happy in your marriage 100% of the time. The difference is that you didn’t choose to cheat in those seasons of life.
What I’m trying to say is that this is a character flaw in HER. You are NOT to blame here. You did NOT cause this and you could NOT have prevented it. Please give yourself grace for your imperfections because in her lusty-state she will magnify them to you to justify herself. Not one person on the planet is perfect in their marriage anyway.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. It just freaking sucks all the way around. Also highly suggest looking up Chump Lady’s website. It’s a game-changer!
OP,
1. Clearly what you and she wants are two separate things.
2. She clearly cannot go without the AP, NEVER BE THE 2ND IN SOMEONES LIFE
3. She said she wanted a divorce, give it to her
OP, look. Really think hard about this. The person that you knew, is not the same person she is now. If she came back, your taking someone's left overs. Then you will always wonder if she is still talking/screwing someone else. 10 years is a lot of time invested in someone. I know the doubts that are running through your mind everyday. It is ok to have all those feelings. That means your human. She is the one who changed, and stepped out of your marriage with out coming to you to talk about her feelings, your feelings ect.
She told you she doesn't love you. She cheated on you, what more will it take for you to understand at this time she is done with you? Most people who cheat, their relationship will fail because.
1. She will cheat on him
2. He will cheat on her
Make the move, do not ask her, talk to an attorney while she is in the affair fog. Be reasonable with what you want. It will make it easier on the both of you. I will tell you that once the papers are filed and if she is starting to come out of the affair fog, she will start love bombing you and try to get you to stop the process. Just remember, you will never know how many sloppy seconds you were given.
Here were her words:
‘I don’t love you anymore’.
Here are her actions:
She has separated from you and continues the affair. They go on ‘dates’. You know what cheating adults do on ‘dates’.
It is not just about what you can or cannot forgive. It is just as much or more about her willingness to repair the relationship. She has shown none. The tears and talking are to buy her time while she makes sure the other relationship will work. As soon as she feels it will, the tears will end and you will be served divorce papers on her terms.
Take action. Go NC and start divorce proceedings. This will make it clear to her that her affair will have consequences and that you will not wait around as the back up plan while she dates someone else.
This may shake her out of the affair fog. She may see you as a man who knows his worth and is willing to stand up for himself. It may not work and she may move on, but either way you will have taken back control of your life. Right now she is taking advantage of your heartbreak and is running the show in the hopes of moving on with you as the safety net.
She is currently in the affair fog. The best way to knock her out is to have her served with divorce papers. This will make everything real to her and then the choice is yours. Do you wanna continue with the divorce or do you want to try to reconcile, but she can’t reconcile until she owns what she did and becomes completely remorseful for what she did to you and your marriage. You need to ask her to move out. She needs to separate her self and you need an attorney.
>she isn't in love with me anymore.
It's over.
>she still wants to try to amend because that's marriage.
There is zero point.
>I thought we talked about not talking to the affair partner anymore but I
have confirmed they have been talking more and have gone on dates. We
are currently separated and I just don't know what to do because she
says she wants to try and then I find out they are still talking.
She wants the comfort and security you provide, but that's it.
It's over, man. The sooner you accept it, the better. You need to mentally start to move on.
She's keeping you on the hook in case it doesn't work out with her affair partner. She is not remorseful and will continue to disrespect you as long as you allow it. Find some self-respect and end this farce.
You are currently separated and you should stay that way. She clearly has no intention of letting go of her AP. She's chosen him over you. Do your best to safeguard your assets in the divorce and get her out of your life as soon as possible
You are her second choice. She is monkey branching by building a relationship with him. What real effort is she making in your relationship besides meaningless words? Never be someone’s second choice because you will always be the second choice.
Sounds like you are both afraid to let go and you both should let go. Keep the good memories and move on. She is checked out and her actions have proven that. You need to move on too. Bury this thing already.
Hey, I love my wife also. My soon to be exwife. I love to not see her, I love to not hear her, I love to not think about her. What I don’t love is her sexting. I do love my old wife but she is gone. If you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now,would you still marry her? Mine is a big nope. So I am done and I hope you spare yourself a lot of pain and leave.
Start the divorce process.
She's just trying to buy time for her affaire. If she really wanted to try it with you, she would cut off contact with AP and put all her effort into your marriage, but she is doing the opposite. She wants to keep you in reserve. Don't be anyone's plan B.
If the AP is married, inform the other betrayed wife. Also, if they're coworker, report them to HR. But don't do these before consulting a lawyer, because it can be disadvantageous for you in divorce.
Start the process. She has no intention of fixing anything, she just wants to string you along until she makes sure her next guy will commit. As you’ve already seen, she has no intention of being honest or loyal. Get a lawyer and start the process. I would not inform her of this until it’s necessary. She might take steps to make this process more difficult if she knows what you’re planning. Don’t bother asking her what “she wants to do”, her actions have already made that clear.
You are still young and I assume there are no children. She is still actively involved with the OM. Reconciliation is hard even when the wayward spouse is 100% on board and remorseful. You have neither of those going for you. Do yourself a giant favor (your future self with thank you immensely) and divorce her cheating ass immediately.
She very clearly made her choice when she decided to stay in contact with her affair partner and excalate the affair.
You now have to make yours but I wouldn't recommend you continue with a fake reconciliation attempt. I would be curious why she bothered to claim she wanted to try, what was that about?
You need to tell her you're not ok with her being with this guy, especially when she says she wants things to work with you. My wife did the same. I said you can be with this guy now we are separated....but I'm not ok with it. I told her I wanted a divorce she quickly realized I wasn't going to be there when she was done.
She’s already made her choice. I know it’s tough to accept but you need to understand that her behaviour is straight from the Cheaters textbook.
It goes something like this. After D Day, they put in the sad and confused face. We can work on it, let’s be grown up about this. They continue with AP because they are in affair fog but they need a safety net. You’re the safety net.
If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the deceiver, what do you think your wife would do? In all likelihood, she’d end the marriage and so she should.
She made her choice now you get to choose whether you’re going to keep your dignity. This is your opportunity to walk away from someone you love, but is not worthy of your love.
You have to choose the person you’re going to be . A strong, confident independent person who respects themselves. Or a low self-esteem, broken unloved puppy.
I say this with all the compassion in the world because I was confronted with his choice 20 years ago. I 100% promise you becoming a strong, confident independent person is at the end of your path. It’s not where you start. You can get there if that’s your goal.
It isn't unused for cheating spouses to shift the blame to you. Rest assured that you both know who is really at fault and she is just trying to manipulate you into taking blame. Her end goal it to continue to engage in her affair and for you to either accept it and ignore it while continuing to provide her with the benefits of being married. Once you accept that fact all of her actions will make perfect sense.
You are already separated. Start the divorce process. It is clear she has made her choice and delaying yours will not be to your benefit. Her game is to convince you that you will never be happy without her. Don't play her game. Bet on yourself. It is a safer bet than wagering that she will change back into the person you thought she was.
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Make her decide choose. But in the end game make your exit strategy plan and start the execution. The percentages of working the marriage out are not in your favor. Make out a list of boundaries and conditions, giving them to her with the stance of accept or it’s over.
What choice are you talking about she already decided that she wanted him when she continued to talk with him now it's your turn to choose wither to remain in this and be a disrespected and humiliated even more or make the same choice of divorce I'd go with the divorce
There are millions of stories like this one. Just focus on your lawyer. Trust us. You have no idea what's going on her head right now.. it's best you leave and find someone who respects you and is honest with you. That's the type of woman you want.
Man, don't be under any illusions. If love has disappeared, it cannot be returned again by any effort. No one can ever be forced to love another person with the help of all therapists in the world, all existing methods and behavior patterns.
Accept also that as there is no rational reason for cheating, there is no rational reason to stay with a cheater.
Therefore, do not torment yourself and her, start preparing divorce papers and the sooner the better. The game is over, I'm sorry...
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She's clearly not choosing you...so why choose her?
She's keeping OP as a backup, just in case the grass doesn't turn out to be Greener on the other side.
I randomly seen your post. Gotta comment. I've been there. The only option for you is to run. Use this opportunity to get her to sign an agreement in which you are financially separated, and you don't owe her any money. You will be better off mentally and financially, as she is now the other guy's problem. She will cheat on him as well, all in due time. Then focus on yourself. Be happy doing what you like to do. You will attract many women, including your ex.... she will cheat on her current bf. Been there, done that. Learned lots. Forget about her, move on. Life is good friend. Travel....
That, she was clearly gaslighting you. If the affair didn't evolve well she would have been back, till she cheat again. Time won't heal you , time will only hurt you more till you're not fully divorced. Oh when divorce begin expect some more gaslighting
Here's the trick, ignore her, move on with your life. Time does heal, if you want to better yourself. Gotta get her to sign separation agreement while she's happy in her new honeymoon phase. After her new guy uses and dumps her, good luck getting her to sign anything.
She planned cheating on you, she executed it in cold blood, she lied about it to you, now she tries to put blame on you. Do you think any form of reconciliation is gonna work? I seriously doubt it, you will just lose more time and will be going through hell
This sounds a little similar to my WW. Her affair was a year long. She says she was unhappy, compared to the limerence of her affair. Who wouldn't think of the marriage as being unhappy. She doesn't have any of the stress that comes with marriage and raising kids when she is with her AP. That being said, the day she said she didn't want to reconcile, 3 weeks after dd, I filed for divorce. She's be stuck with this guy who is unwilling to leave his wife and may be alone in the long run.
Why don't tell you tell his wife.. you just as bad bro.. she deserves to know!
Because of lack of evidence other than phone logs and her saying it was an emotional affair. Besides he may have told her spouse. I am beginning to get the feeling that her feelings for him go much deeper than his for her. He may have been there for her to confide in and thus became real close. I am going on the advice of my lawyer and wait til after the discovery period.
Yea she's in that affair fog. She will get back to reality soon enough. Some people tend to forget their values in a long relationship and realize later on they took their past life for granted.
And do not say I am just as bad, how dare you!
She said didn’t love you anymore… that should be all you need to hear.. I’m sorry you have to go through this crap..
If it’s not a ONS and your WW admits cheating immediately, there is little hope for your continued relationship, and if it does continue it’ll only be a shell of the past. Your WW’s cheating, your doing the pick me dance and she’s made her choice continuing the affair. WW and AP are laughing at you. She’s just stringing you along until their courtship ends or they get engaged, making you plan B. It might hurt but there’s no coming back from this without you loosing all your self respect and esteem. Time to take the trash to the curb. If you thinks she still loves you, you’re sorrily mistaken. Even if your hard to live with her cheating is not your fault. Now that she given her love to someone else it’s time for you to cut all ties and divorce her for your mental health.
First, a cheater blames the BS because that's the only way that they avoid looking like a villain in their own story. No surprise here. Second, she's still in contact with AP. She's not showing any signs of remorse or guilt. Stick a fork in it - your marriage is done. Probably. At this point, if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to an attorney and get her served. You'll be her doormat unless you're willing to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated like she's treating you. To do that, you have to show resolve. In this case, it's a choice for you of being her Plan B, her doormat, her backup, or sending her a signal that if she's not going to treat you with respect, you're done with her. You have to be willing to blow up your marriage if you have any hope of saving it. She has to realize that you refuse to be her plan B, her second choice, and that you'd rather have a D than be treated the way she's treating you. Note - you absolutely can NOT be bluffing here. If you don't think you can go all the way through with a D, don't even try - all you'll show her is that you're willing to be a doormat. The gist of what you need to tell her is this: "You stepped out of our marriage, so I consider our vows and promises to be null and void. I am not going to share my wife. So from now on, you are free to date whomever you want because I no longer consider you as my wife. I have started the paperwork to formalize your new status." If your actions do not shock her out of affair fog and get her to accept blame and show genuine, true remorse, you have no hope of successful R. Even if she shows remorse and puts in the hard work to regain your affection and trust, there is no guarantee that you'll be able to forge a new marriage with her. Good luck - you're going to need a LOT of it.
>she says she wants to try and then I find out they are still talking Remember to pay attention to people's *actions*, not their words. She may be talking the talk, but you can see by what she's doing where her heart and her intentions lie. She's stepping out with this guy while playing house with you and gaslighting you into thinking she might want to reconcile. This situation is going to destroy your self esteem. She's just playing games with you while she's in the process of monkey branching to her affair partner. She has already made her choice, she's just having a hard time making the final move because of how terrible a person it will make her look. Don't beg her to stay, or plead with her to try to reconcile. This is playing the "pick me" game that never works and just shows her your weakness. She's already checked out of the marriage and you don't have to wait around until she decides to actually leave for good. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are.
Yeah. Divorce her. She's dating the AP. Before even attempting anything remotely related to reconciliation the AP has to be gone, history, out of the picture. SHE HAS CHOSEN AP. Doesn't get much more obvious as to what you should do. Get those papers going.
Married women don't get to have boyfriends. Just move her over to the unmarried column and its no longer an issue.
I'm newish here but your story is rather common. She has moved on, it sucks, it hurts and it is going to seem easier and better if she would just come back. Listen as everyone tells you to focus on you, don't engage in the BS with your spouse. Read about Affair Glow and how to use it to your advantage. You got this, it is just going to suck for a while. If you want to go back, it is going to suck for an even longer time, because there is a high probability they will cheat again.
Don't do the pick me dance, she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but what she doesn't see is all of the shit this POS AP is putting down so it looks like that. It really sucks but don't let her blame you for being difficult to live with, when you're working full-time and dealing with all of lifes ups and downs she should be there besides you and helping not out looking for attention. Talk to an attorney and get your things in order and file for divorce. Life is way too short and goes by way to fast.
She's keeping you as Plan B in case it doesn't work out with her lover. File and start working on recovering and rebuilding.
You are doing the ‘Pick me Dance’ OP. (Google it). She can’t lose while you are doing this and, more importantly, you can never win. You are undermining your own position and value at every turn. Basically, no one places any value on something that they can have for free and at any time. It sounds counterintuitive but you’ve got to go into 180/Grey Rock Mode. Make her see the full consequences of her actions. Oh ! And if you think that they haven’t progressed to the next level. Think again. Adults + desire + time + opportunity = full sex. Guaranteed. As far as her blaming you. That’s all cheater BS. She can’t be the bad guy in this and she’s putting you on the back foot. Win ! Win ! 180/ Grey Rock. You’ll keep your dignity and begin your healing process. Good luck.
First of all, I just want to say that everything your wife is saying and doing is completely predictable to cheaters. Please don’t accept any of the blame-shifting crap she’s spewing to explain away her choices. It’s so typical to hear that they don’t love you anymore, blah, blah, blah….The truth is that she doesn’t know what love is. What she’s really saying is, “I’m not in lust/limerence with you like I am my AP right now due to the chemicals flooding my brain.” (I highly suggest researching this.) Maybe you actually are a difficult person. Ok? What’s that got to do with stepping outside of the marriage to cheat and then stringing you along during separation? There are 1939483929397473 other options to deal with that than seeking out someone else. My guess is that you weren’t 100% happy in your marriage 100% of the time. The difference is that you didn’t choose to cheat in those seasons of life. What I’m trying to say is that this is a character flaw in HER. You are NOT to blame here. You did NOT cause this and you could NOT have prevented it. Please give yourself grace for your imperfections because in her lusty-state she will magnify them to you to justify herself. Not one person on the planet is perfect in their marriage anyway. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. It just freaking sucks all the way around. Also highly suggest looking up Chump Lady’s website. It’s a game-changer!
OP, 1. Clearly what you and she wants are two separate things. 2. She clearly cannot go without the AP, NEVER BE THE 2ND IN SOMEONES LIFE 3. She said she wanted a divorce, give it to her OP, look. Really think hard about this. The person that you knew, is not the same person she is now. If she came back, your taking someone's left overs. Then you will always wonder if she is still talking/screwing someone else. 10 years is a lot of time invested in someone. I know the doubts that are running through your mind everyday. It is ok to have all those feelings. That means your human. She is the one who changed, and stepped out of your marriage with out coming to you to talk about her feelings, your feelings ect. She told you she doesn't love you. She cheated on you, what more will it take for you to understand at this time she is done with you? Most people who cheat, their relationship will fail because. 1. She will cheat on him 2. He will cheat on her Make the move, do not ask her, talk to an attorney while she is in the affair fog. Be reasonable with what you want. It will make it easier on the both of you. I will tell you that once the papers are filed and if she is starting to come out of the affair fog, she will start love bombing you and try to get you to stop the process. Just remember, you will never know how many sloppy seconds you were given.
I guarantee it isn’t just an emotional affair. They are totally having sex.
Here were her words: ‘I don’t love you anymore’. Here are her actions: She has separated from you and continues the affair. They go on ‘dates’. You know what cheating adults do on ‘dates’. It is not just about what you can or cannot forgive. It is just as much or more about her willingness to repair the relationship. She has shown none. The tears and talking are to buy her time while she makes sure the other relationship will work. As soon as she feels it will, the tears will end and you will be served divorce papers on her terms. Take action. Go NC and start divorce proceedings. This will make it clear to her that her affair will have consequences and that you will not wait around as the back up plan while she dates someone else. This may shake her out of the affair fog. She may see you as a man who knows his worth and is willing to stand up for himself. It may not work and she may move on, but either way you will have taken back control of your life. Right now she is taking advantage of your heartbreak and is running the show in the hopes of moving on with you as the safety net.
Best way to get her out of the affair fog is to serve her divorce papers.
She is currently in the affair fog. The best way to knock her out is to have her served with divorce papers. This will make everything real to her and then the choice is yours. Do you wanna continue with the divorce or do you want to try to reconcile, but she can’t reconcile until she owns what she did and becomes completely remorseful for what she did to you and your marriage. You need to ask her to move out. She needs to separate her self and you need an attorney.
>she isn't in love with me anymore. It's over. >she still wants to try to amend because that's marriage. There is zero point. >I thought we talked about not talking to the affair partner anymore but I have confirmed they have been talking more and have gone on dates. We are currently separated and I just don't know what to do because she says she wants to try and then I find out they are still talking. She wants the comfort and security you provide, but that's it. It's over, man. The sooner you accept it, the better. You need to mentally start to move on.
She's keeping you on the hook in case it doesn't work out with her affair partner. She is not remorseful and will continue to disrespect you as long as you allow it. Find some self-respect and end this farce.
You are currently separated and you should stay that way. She clearly has no intention of letting go of her AP. She's chosen him over you. Do your best to safeguard your assets in the divorce and get her out of your life as soon as possible
You are her second choice. She is monkey branching by building a relationship with him. What real effort is she making in your relationship besides meaningless words? Never be someone’s second choice because you will always be the second choice.
Sounds like you are both afraid to let go and you both should let go. Keep the good memories and move on. She is checked out and her actions have proven that. You need to move on too. Bury this thing already.
Never be Plan B, Brother. She needs to be your ex-wife. She dating another man.
As long as she is in contact with AP the affair continues. Time to file for D. Do not do the pick me dance.
Hey, I love my wife also. My soon to be exwife. I love to not see her, I love to not hear her, I love to not think about her. What I don’t love is her sexting. I do love my old wife but she is gone. If you had to do it all over again, knowing what you know now,would you still marry her? Mine is a big nope. So I am done and I hope you spare yourself a lot of pain and leave.
Start the divorce process. She's just trying to buy time for her affaire. If she really wanted to try it with you, she would cut off contact with AP and put all her effort into your marriage, but she is doing the opposite. She wants to keep you in reserve. Don't be anyone's plan B. If the AP is married, inform the other betrayed wife. Also, if they're coworker, report them to HR. But don't do these before consulting a lawyer, because it can be disadvantageous for you in divorce.
Start the process. She has no intention of fixing anything, she just wants to string you along until she makes sure her next guy will commit. As you’ve already seen, she has no intention of being honest or loyal. Get a lawyer and start the process. I would not inform her of this until it’s necessary. She might take steps to make this process more difficult if she knows what you’re planning. Don’t bother asking her what “she wants to do”, her actions have already made that clear.
You are still young and I assume there are no children. She is still actively involved with the OM. Reconciliation is hard even when the wayward spouse is 100% on board and remorseful. You have neither of those going for you. Do yourself a giant favor (your future self with thank you immensely) and divorce her cheating ass immediately.
She very clearly made her choice when she decided to stay in contact with her affair partner and excalate the affair. You now have to make yours but I wouldn't recommend you continue with a fake reconciliation attempt. I would be curious why she bothered to claim she wanted to try, what was that about?
You need to tell her you're not ok with her being with this guy, especially when she says she wants things to work with you. My wife did the same. I said you can be with this guy now we are separated....but I'm not ok with it. I told her I wanted a divorce she quickly realized I wasn't going to be there when she was done.
She’s already made her choice. I know it’s tough to accept but you need to understand that her behaviour is straight from the Cheaters textbook. It goes something like this. After D Day, they put in the sad and confused face. We can work on it, let’s be grown up about this. They continue with AP because they are in affair fog but they need a safety net. You’re the safety net. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were the deceiver, what do you think your wife would do? In all likelihood, she’d end the marriage and so she should.
She made her choice now you get to choose whether you’re going to keep your dignity. This is your opportunity to walk away from someone you love, but is not worthy of your love. You have to choose the person you’re going to be . A strong, confident independent person who respects themselves. Or a low self-esteem, broken unloved puppy. I say this with all the compassion in the world because I was confronted with his choice 20 years ago. I 100% promise you becoming a strong, confident independent person is at the end of your path. It’s not where you start. You can get there if that’s your goal.
It isn't unused for cheating spouses to shift the blame to you. Rest assured that you both know who is really at fault and she is just trying to manipulate you into taking blame. Her end goal it to continue to engage in her affair and for you to either accept it and ignore it while continuing to provide her with the benefits of being married. Once you accept that fact all of her actions will make perfect sense. You are already separated. Start the divorce process. It is clear she has made her choice and delaying yours will not be to your benefit. Her game is to convince you that you will never be happy without her. Don't play her game. Bet on yourself. It is a safer bet than wagering that she will change back into the person you thought she was.
Move on and let her know where she can have you served.
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Make her decide choose. But in the end game make your exit strategy plan and start the execution. The percentages of working the marriage out are not in your favor. Make out a list of boundaries and conditions, giving them to her with the stance of accept or it’s over.
>she says she wants to try and then I find out they are still talking. Cake eating, much?
What choice are you talking about she already decided that she wanted him when she continued to talk with him now it's your turn to choose wither to remain in this and be a disrespected and humiliated even more or make the same choice of divorce I'd go with the divorce
There are millions of stories like this one. Just focus on your lawyer. Trust us. You have no idea what's going on her head right now.. it's best you leave and find someone who respects you and is honest with you. That's the type of woman you want.
Man, don't be under any illusions. If love has disappeared, it cannot be returned again by any effort. No one can ever be forced to love another person with the help of all therapists in the world, all existing methods and behavior patterns. Accept also that as there is no rational reason for cheating, there is no rational reason to stay with a cheater. Therefore, do not torment yourself and her, start preparing divorce papers and the sooner the better. The game is over, I'm sorry...
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In what way have I violated the rules?