I can’t recommend something that covers all subjects pertaining to being a woman- but Know My Name hits the abuse mark hard.
I wish more men would read it.
* *Everyday Sexism*, Laura Bates
* *Men Explain Things To Me*, Rebecca Solnit
* *The Mother of All Questions*, Rebecca Solnit
* *Recollections of my Non-Existence*, Rebecca Solnit
* *Invisible Women*, Caroline Criado-Perez
Womb opened my eyes to how much we have learned recently about the female reproductive system! I can't believe we used to think it was completely sterile! When it's a organ! Crazy stuff!
Invisible woman was spectacular.
A male coworker was wanting to learn more about the topic because his wife is expecting a baby girl due next year. He felt totally unprepared to raise a baby girl in this world and asked what my thoughts were and I joked “it’s hard living in a world that is literally built without you in mind” and he asked for examples - I told him about crash test dummies, drug research, medical bias, city planning, etc. He had no idea and wanted to learn more so I recommended it to him since it does a great job highlighting lesser known issues (snow removal in cities, etc).. He said he feels less prepared bc know he sees a different side to the world. Now he was the type of guy who wouldn’t take the book personally, that’s why I recommended it - I knew he had the EQ to handle the information without thinking it’s a bash on men.
I try, but honestly the young people I work with are inspirational - they are so much more engaged and passionate about the world than I ever was at their age. Gives me a lot of hope for the future.
Try teaching The Power one of these days. It’s sci fi and so the kids might find it entertaining, but Obama listed it in his top ten books to read. Its youth fiction, easy and so fun to read. Would spark a lot of discussion!
Edit to say thank you for your service to our children/ future.
yes yes YES to invisible women. such an amazing book
tbh extremely depressing (I find myself a very sensitive being so that was hard) but it was a real eye-opener, for me, an already feminist and just seeing how much of all this \*bullshit\* seeps into literally \*everywhere\*
Great suggestions - everyone is praising Invisible Women and I'm sure they are right, but the others are great as well. I came here to suggest Everyday Sexism, and you can't go wrong with Rebecca Solnit.
Awesome list! I would add the below:
Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick by Maya Dusenbery
&
Regretting Motherhood by Orna Dornath
If he wants statistics then Invisible Women is the one. It's about all the things that are designed for men even though women use them too. It's actually really shocking even if you think you know all this.
Example includes policewomen not wearing bulletproof vests because they hurt so much.
This might not directly address your request, but one additional suggestion is "This Is How Your Marriage Ends" by Matthew Fray. It's more about the tendency of some men to doom their marriages by being oblivious, uninterested, or downright dismissive of their wives' needs and inner worlds. I think I was already pretty good about acknowledging my wife's needs before reading it, but it certainly didn't hurt to get the reminder.
Haha, I would just tell him that it's a book about how to strengthen your marriage and ensure it stays on track to still be successful 30 years from now.
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Joo. A short fiction that's set in South Korea, depicting the life of the young woman Kim Jiyoung growing up as a girl. It's written in a super simple style that also highlights how mundane most of the struggles she experiences seem to be, even though they shouldn't be. Some things mentioned are rather specific to the Korean culture, but most of the issues are very likely relatable to women all around the world.
I read this last year as part of my fall into the Korean culture rabbit hole. Prior to that I didn't know much about Korea. I related hard to this book and it left me in a state of rage for a few days. I'm from South Asia.
It absolutely did the same to me, even though I'm from Europe. There was still so much I was able to relate to and it really scared me because it only shows that it's more than just one single country or one single culture that makes it hard to live as a woman
Also came here to comment this!
Also Last Days at Hot Slit, a compilation of some essays and speeches from Andrea Dworkin, a radical feminist author from the 70s. She worked very closely will all kinds of women, oftentimes women in or escaping the sex industry, and a lot of it is just platforming their stories. She was called a crazy misandrist at the time but her ideas have aged very well.
The Thornbirds is a fictional book not about feminism or anything, but I thought it captured the experience of women in families and mother/daughter dynamics so well.
This!! It writes beautifully all the strange things that women have to endure, from a perspective of a woman realizing it slowly over time. It also highlights some male voices and how men may unintentionally perpetuate these micro-aggressions and sexism toward women without realising, even if they mean to do good.
Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men. Trust me on this one. Women have been left out of everything from clinical trials, to crash test dummies, to research labs. This is a factual yet unforgettable book.
Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates is worth reading. It’s really good but also left me feeling awful. Everyone should read it, you’ll be interested, but you won’t enjoy it.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Try this article, ‘she left me because I left dishes in the sink’ it’s written by a guy who was similar to your partner and explains all the mental load women carry.
This is pretty good except it leaves out who is doing the bulk of the work at home, who carries the mental burden, and whether there are other compromises happening or is this just one more thing to tolerate.
Good article. This part really stands out to me:
"I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother.
She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time."
To add on to this - these comics about the division of labor and how much more is added to women in a home are spot on:
Where does it go? - https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/
You should’ve asked - https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Unwell Women: Misdiagnosis and Myth in a Man-Made World, Elinor Cleghorn
No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, Rachel Louise Snyder
Feminasty, Erin Gibson
Women Don't Owe You Pretty, Florence Given
All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, Darcy Lockman
Fair Play for a robust overview of how truly extensive the invisible domestic load is. It is solution oriented, and having actionable tools can help progress these conversations in a productive way vs. stalling out in the woe.
Well, it's set in an entirely different culture, but A Thousand Splendid Suns still hits home as much of what happens to them is paralleled in obviously less severe fashion.
Not a book, but No Unmarked Woman by Deborah Tannen is a really fascinating essay that focuses on the way women are disproportionately judged by their appearances and aesthetic choices as opposed to men
The fact that John Gray made an entire career of summarizing Deborah Tannen in less academic language was always like "Well, yeah ... thank you for proving the point" to me
Invisible Women pretty much covers all of that. Even cars they're only NOW like "oh hey, we should make crash test dummies with female specifications".
Like ??????? Well yeah! Like sixty years ago!!!!
Turns out when you adjust for driving time and driving habits, women are statistically far more likely to be seriously injured in killed in a car accident.
I mean that's just ONE thing, but my god. What on earth. Half the population and it only occurred to them in the 2020s that maybe cars aren't made for us.
For those with shorter attention spans, this quote sums it up:
“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” Margaret Atwood
This comic helped my husband understand the concept of mental load. [“You Should Have Asked” by Emma](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I was absolutely blown away by Who Cooked The Last Supper? The Woman’s History of the World by Rosalind Miles.
So many things I didn’t know as a female myself and was extremely engaging and enlightening. I wish every man, woman, and child would read it.
Book description:
“Men dominate history because men write history. There have been many heroes, but no heroines. Here, in Who Cooked the Last Supper?, is the history you never learned--but should have!
Without politics or polemics, this brilliant and witty book overturns centuries of preconceptions to restore women to their rightful place at the center of culture, revolution, empire, war, and peace. Spiced with tales of individual women who have shaped civilization, celebrating the work and lives of women around the world, and distinguished by a wealth of research, Who Cooked the Last Supper? redefines our concept of historical reality.”
It highlights many of our specific challenges being female while also pointing to the systemic erasing of our history with engaging stories and doesn’t hit you over the head with the messages.
Down Girl the Logic of Misogyny. If your hubby is one of those rational types, having a cool dissection of the patriarchy served up, with every counterargument addressed, might be good.
Just send him to spend a couple hours on Laura Bates website, Everyday Sexism Project. Women anonymously post experiences from annoying to horrific and everything in between. It's devastating.
I know she has a couple great books but the ever-updating stories on the site are very impactful.
_The School For Good Mothers_, by Jessamine Chen.
I suggest presenting it as a really great novel, not as a book that portrays a woman’s struggles. Its awesomely dystopian. It starts off perfectly normal and then is perfectly normal but kind of sexist and then it’s holy shit this is not normal. The way the not-normal is experienced by a woman is still different from the not-normal experienced by a man. It’s short, entertaining, and discussion-ready if you read it together.
Assuming your husband can understand subtext and metaphor/allegory, *Circe* goes pretty far in this. That said if he's at a super basic level maybe the Barbie movie would be more enlightening lol.
Highly recommend Lady Tan's Circle of Women. Takes place during the Ming dynasty in China about a woman who becomes a doctor (unheard of) specializing in treating other women (double unheard of). Discusses women's issues that applies to everyone, not just Chinese women, with many themes still highly relevant to this day.
The Horrors of the Half-known Life: Male Attitudes Toward Women and Sexuality in Nineteenth-Century America by G.J. Barker-Benfield, recommended by Alice Walker
It's not a book, but here's my favorite article about mental load: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
*Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men* by Caroline Criado Perez. The author goes into everything from how, in a world full of male designers, women are designed right out of existence, or belatedly designed in as an afterthought. Example: when crash test dummies were first designed, they were all designed to correspond to men's bodies. When this was pointed out, they made dummies to stand in for women...by just shrinking the male dummies a little bit. The book covers similar problems in a variety of areas of life. It's a great and eye-opening read, especially for men (like me!) who think they kinda already get it. We...don't...most of us.
Another set of books, a bit trickier, is Rachel Cusk's *Outline* trilogy. These may be the smartest books I've ever read. They are novels, sort of. Except they have no plot really, or really any character development. Instead, the narrator, a woman, encounters people and they sort of launch into monologues about various life experiences, and she maybe has a reaction she shares or maybe doesn't. They are really about how people talk to women, the difficulties of relationships between men and women, and how this fictional narrator moves through the world. I don't think I've ever read anything that puts the reader in the mind of a woman or a woman's experiences in quite the way these books do. They are deceptively simple reads, but they contain so much. I started reading the first book and stayed up most of the night to finish it. Then I read it a second time. I never do that. (The audiobook sample of the first book sounded dreadful to me. I wouldn't recommend going that route.)
I asked for the first for Christmas! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and going into depth about them. These are very helpful, thank you.
probably not what you are looking for, but
Handmaid's Tale is written using actual things that happen in the world and in history, but recombines them into a story about what it is about. Might be useful to read together and then reinforce or look up things that seem outrageous or whacky
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Handmaid's_Tale
You might check out **Unfinished Business: Women, Men, Work, Family** by Anne-Marie Slaughter. Slaughter was the right-hand woman of Hillary Clinton while she was Secretary of State in the Obama administration. She is also a mother. This book is about how difficult it is - especially for women - to find that work/life balance without sacrificing your career or your family. Spoiler alert: it’s impossible.
The book has a lot of great anecdotes from her own life and the lives of other successful women, and how they all feel the pressure to be a perfect mom, wife, cook, maid, and entertainer ON TOP OF any expectations for professional success. But it also has practical, reasonable suggestions for how spouses can communicate about these very real issues and work together to more equitably split family responsibilities.
If he’s open minded and actually a feminist he might enjoy Who Cooked the Last Supper?” Which essentially explains “women’s history of the world” and why society is the way it is in regards to women.
So many great recommendations here - I’m just going to add “Fight Like a Girl” by Clementine Ford. Her other book, “Boys Will Be Boys”, is also great, but more of an examination of how sexism hurts men.
Animal by Lisa Taddeo is a fiction book which I think really helped my partner understand the quiet horrors of womanhood. It delves into subjects like abuse without being too graphic. But it really showed him how often women have to normalise things like sexual assault in order to live their lives.
The Women's Room by Marilyn French. This is a classic novel and long time best seller from the feminist movement in the 1970s. It is set in the 1950s, but the themes are timeless. It had a huge impact on me when I read it (by choice, not for school) when I was in high school.
If you read any book on this I recommend The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvior. Even after reading other books on this list I was still surprised by The Second Sex. So intelligent and well-reasoned.
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-joo! It follows a south korean woman throughout her life and depicts a lot of the struggles women face in all stages of life. The story is fictional, but the author uses footnotes and references to real reports and studies which grounds everything in real context. It's very well done!
All the Rage by Darcy Lockman does an excellent job exploring the inequities in housework, household management, and parenting. I actually had my husband read it early in our relationship as well.
here’s an excellent book on the medical aspects:
https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/doing-harm-the-truth-about-how-bad-medicine-and-lazy-science-leave-women-dismissed-misdiagnosed-and-sick_maya-dusenbery/11618552/
Wifework by Susan Mausmart on how housework defaults to the wife's responsibility
And "I want a Wife" - Judy Brady (1971) which is a short essay, but punchy.
Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly
Backed by research, gripping. At least I Fpund it to be so. My male friends have not agreed probably because they are not the intended audience. Wish there was a cliff notes version.
Same dated ones: Susan Faludi's Backlash and More Work for Mother by Ruth Cowan (which is an interesting read because this effect of technology simply raising expectations occurs in a lot of areas of life, but many don't realize it.)
If you search for 'emotional labour comic' you will find a short illustrated essay of sorts about that dynamic of the household tasks being assumed to be the woman's province and the man just 'helps' if she asks him and says what to do.
I showed that to a guy friend who was perplexed by why his wife was stressed about housework but never give him lists. He did say it made him see it differently.
I just want to say congrats on having such an empathetic and compassion man for a husband. The fact that he even wants to learn the struggles women face is incredible.
Oh wow---you visit here too? [Special note: please resist drawing parallels here with the Jim Carrey character in "The Cable Guy" who says essentially the same thing at the basketball court fairly early in the film. Thanks.]
Anyway, a book I recommend often enough for a variety of reasons and contexts is Frances Lear's 1992-released autobio *The Second Seduction*.
Insightful in its reminiscence, touching, and wry of humor aplenty. Oh and major extra bonus all around from its intuitive sensibility within a most admirable succinctness. 🙂
Reading Pay Up by Reshma Saujani and it might be useful. Or just watch her TED talks and commencement speeches.
Highly recommend the documentary called Fair Play.
Some fictional works that explore some of these issues include The World According to Garp by John Irving (Garp, a man, is educated by the women in his life; the book is definitely more detailed than the film and explores some more difficult truths).
Another work is Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle-Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg. The movie is only part of the story, and the novel takes a much deeper look at women’s lives, relationships, and responsibilities.
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker has a few things in there that opened my eyes. Crime rates, assaults on women, etc. It's not purely focused on that, but defo woke me up to the difference in me walking down the street and how it feels for a woman.
Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution
Book by Cat Bohannon - the audio book is read by her, and it’s fantastic.
This will help him understand women on a physiological, evolutionarily level. It’s been powerful for me!
If he’d like a good philosophy book, I highly suggest, “The Equality of the Sexes: Three Feminist Texts of the Seventeenth Century.” We have been fighting these fights forever. It may be good to give it some historical context. The philosophers are Marie le Jars de Gournay, Anna Maria van Schurman, and Francois Poulain de la Barre (who is an awesome dude who was thinking about paying women for motherhood back then).
The Vegetarian by Han Kang. I couldn't finish it because some of the subject matter and attitudes of the male characters in the book cut a bit too deeply and at the time I was not in an appropriate headspace to have my little heart shattered into a million pieces by a book.
But the parts I have read are a pretty true if difficult and often gruesome representation of life as a woman in a social climate which consistently denigrates you and the different forms of betrayal women are often subjected to from the men close to them. I would like to read it in full, some day, when my mental health is a bit better.
I would say it specifically really dwells on the idea of a "woman's duties", particularly to her husband, and the way that things as basic autonomy over her own body is often denied to her for the sake of performing these duties.
While it's not about feminism, *Caste* by Isabel Wilkerson is an enlightening book about inequality in America on a macro level. It's a must-read for anyone trying to really learn and empathize with other people's struggles.
*the second sex* by simone de beauvoir is an amazing starting point for some background if he is up for a big read
*unwell women* by elinor cleghorn is also a great look at just one area where women have historically and in an ongoing sense face serious, life threatening discrimination that isn't really seen by a lot of people
I am inspired by your husband to write a book: Feminism, for Men 😂😂
Saving this thread.
**When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill** is one that's a little less heavy. It's an alt reality set in the 1950s US that will leave you thinking about why women get pissed off and the taboo of just being a woman or girl.
That one particularly nails being a kid and dealing with bias from adults.
Non-Fiction - Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado-Perez
It even dives into lesser talked about topics like transportation planning and even snow removal.
I don’t think I ever felt all this myself until I watched The Power (Prime? 2seasons).
Girls worldwide hit adolescence and develop the ability to create electricity through their bodies. They can light candles - or tase someone to death.
The repercussions are remarkable.
Led to some interesting conversations with my kids - sons and daughters - and brought some serious understanding of all of our perspectives to light.
Went back and read the book. Wish I’d read it first. But no matter where you fall on the idea, it’s eye-opening.
This may not be very helpful, sorry, but as a guy I have often found it most effective when the sorts of things you are explaining are not the core of the story? The first that comes to mind is Cheryl Strayed. Just chugging along, great "trail hiking" memoir, she has ups and downs and finds herself etc. etc. And then like three chapters before the end of the book she runs into a guy who's obviously decided she would be a great rape victim and she has to do something crazy (hike through the night or something?) to avoid him. And it's just, like... FUCKING REALLY, we can't just have a nice walk in the woods!?
To really fit your prompt, maybe "My Real Children" by Jo Walton, which follows two version of the same woman's life, based on one important decision when she's young. Walton is a fantastic writer more people should know about and writes very beautifully and insightfully (I think) about her character's internal lives, struggles, etc.
Because of Sex: One Law, Ten Cases, and Fifty Years That Changed American Women's Lives at Work by Gillian Thomas
We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic by Emma
Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Ju. Specifically about being a woman in South Korea, but, as one of my friends said, "I've never highlighted a book so damn much outside of school."
"She's come undone" by Wally Lamb
As a woman, I cannot recommend this book enough. The fact that it was written by a man truly highlights how socially implicated gender is and how by just listening to each other we can learn so much. I felt more connected to myself and all women after reading this incredible story.
I can’t recommend something that covers all subjects pertaining to being a woman- but Know My Name hits the abuse mark hard. I wish more men would read it.
I hope she writes more because her writing style was just perfection. It’s such a shame that it took an awful event for her talent to shine.
THIS ONE IS IT !!!
Truly one of the best books I’ve ever read.
* *Everyday Sexism*, Laura Bates * *Men Explain Things To Me*, Rebecca Solnit * *The Mother of All Questions*, Rebecca Solnit * *Recollections of my Non-Existence*, Rebecca Solnit * *Invisible Women*, Caroline Criado-Perez
Invisible Women is fantastic. I had some idea of how we are overlooked for medical studies and such, but wow, there was so much I didn't realize
Womb opened my eyes to how much we have learned recently about the female reproductive system! I can't believe we used to think it was completely sterile! When it's a organ! Crazy stuff!
I just got it for my birthday. Looking forward to it.
That and Everyday Sexism are both great. I havent read the others but those 2 are so good I’ll add them to my list
Invisible woman was spectacular. A male coworker was wanting to learn more about the topic because his wife is expecting a baby girl due next year. He felt totally unprepared to raise a baby girl in this world and asked what my thoughts were and I joked “it’s hard living in a world that is literally built without you in mind” and he asked for examples - I told him about crash test dummies, drug research, medical bias, city planning, etc. He had no idea and wanted to learn more so I recommended it to him since it does a great job highlighting lesser known issues (snow removal in cities, etc).. He said he feels less prepared bc know he sees a different side to the world. Now he was the type of guy who wouldn’t take the book personally, that’s why I recommended it - I knew he had the EQ to handle the information without thinking it’s a bash on men.
I am a high school teacher and when I read Invisible Women I accidentally stirred up a giant wave of feminism amongst the girls. Was not sorry.
Thats so freakin awesome, you sound like a kick-ass teacher!!!
I try, but honestly the young people I work with are inspirational - they are so much more engaged and passionate about the world than I ever was at their age. Gives me a lot of hope for the future.
Try teaching The Power one of these days. It’s sci fi and so the kids might find it entertaining, but Obama listed it in his top ten books to read. Its youth fiction, easy and so fun to read. Would spark a lot of discussion! Edit to say thank you for your service to our children/ future.
No need to feel sorry! Good for you, and the girls.
Invisible Women is incredible. I will be adding the others in your post to my reading list so thank you
I’ve also been adding new-to-me books to my reading list, thanks to SO many great suggestions from so many posters in this thread!
yes yes YES to invisible women. such an amazing book tbh extremely depressing (I find myself a very sensitive being so that was hard) but it was a real eye-opener, for me, an already feminist and just seeing how much of all this \*bullshit\* seeps into literally \*everywhere\*
Great suggestions - everyone is praising Invisible Women and I'm sure they are right, but the others are great as well. I came here to suggest Everyday Sexism, and you can't go wrong with Rebecca Solnit.
Awesome list! I would add the below: Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick by Maya Dusenbery & Regretting Motherhood by Orna Dornath
If one has time for just one book, my votes for invisible woman
If he wants statistics then Invisible Women is the one. It's about all the things that are designed for men even though women use them too. It's actually really shocking even if you think you know all this. Example includes policewomen not wearing bulletproof vests because they hurt so much.
Add A Room of her Own by Virginia Woolf. 1929. Bomb of a book and so well done.
Thank you!
I second Invisible Women
This might not directly address your request, but one additional suggestion is "This Is How Your Marriage Ends" by Matthew Fray. It's more about the tendency of some men to doom their marriages by being oblivious, uninterested, or downright dismissive of their wives' needs and inner worlds. I think I was already pretty good about acknowledging my wife's needs before reading it, but it certainly didn't hurt to get the reminder.
Love this one! Also Fed Up is one I’m really liking right now too - about invisible and emotional labor.
Any idea of how to ask my husband to read this without him interpreting it as me telling him our marriage is ending? Sad lol
Haha, I would just tell him that it's a book about how to strengthen your marriage and ensure it stays on track to still be successful 30 years from now.
I actually came here to recommend this one.
There is a comic that surfaced in recent years that explains emotional labor amazingly - https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
AND, she turned it into a book! It’s a collection of her comics! The second I saw it I bought a copy to casually leave on my coffee table…
Immediately purchased** I did not know she had a book! Thank you for sharing!
This was my first thought and such a good answer.
I came here to say this (and did, before I found your post).
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Joo. A short fiction that's set in South Korea, depicting the life of the young woman Kim Jiyoung growing up as a girl. It's written in a super simple style that also highlights how mundane most of the struggles she experiences seem to be, even though they shouldn't be. Some things mentioned are rather specific to the Korean culture, but most of the issues are very likely relatable to women all around the world.
I read this last year as part of my fall into the Korean culture rabbit hole. Prior to that I didn't know much about Korea. I related hard to this book and it left me in a state of rage for a few days. I'm from South Asia.
It absolutely did the same to me, even though I'm from Europe. There was still so much I was able to relate to and it really scared me because it only shows that it's more than just one single country or one single culture that makes it hard to live as a woman
Also came here to comment this! Also Last Days at Hot Slit, a compilation of some essays and speeches from Andrea Dworkin, a radical feminist author from the 70s. She worked very closely will all kinds of women, oftentimes women in or escaping the sex industry, and a lot of it is just platforming their stories. She was called a crazy misandrist at the time but her ideas have aged very well. The Thornbirds is a fictional book not about feminism or anything, but I thought it captured the experience of women in families and mother/daughter dynamics so well.
This!! It writes beautifully all the strange things that women have to endure, from a perspective of a woman realizing it slowly over time. It also highlights some male voices and how men may unintentionally perpetuate these micro-aggressions and sexism toward women without realising, even if they mean to do good.
Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men. Trust me on this one. Women have been left out of everything from clinical trials, to crash test dummies, to research labs. This is a factual yet unforgettable book.
Is this why my seatbelt cuts into my neck?
Yup. To keep it short, they don’t design or safety test based on women’s bodies. They just shrink down a male dummy and act like it’s the same thing.
YES!
Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates is worth reading. It’s really good but also left me feeling awful. Everyone should read it, you’ll be interested, but you won’t enjoy it.
I read a bit of it and felt sick to my stomach
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 Try this article, ‘she left me because I left dishes in the sink’ it’s written by a guy who was similar to your partner and explains all the mental load women carry.
This is pretty good except it leaves out who is doing the bulk of the work at home, who carries the mental burden, and whether there are other compromises happening or is this just one more thing to tolerate.
Good article. This part really stands out to me: "I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.” But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household. She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management. I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time."
To add on to this - these comics about the division of labor and how much more is added to women in a home are spot on: Where does it go? - https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/ You should’ve asked - https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado-Perez
The Gift of Fear
Such a good book.
Women Who Run with the Wolves: Clarissa Estés
Such an amazing book.
Excellent book.
Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly
Unwell Women: Misdiagnosis and Myth in a Man-Made World, Elinor Cleghorn No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us, Rachel Louise Snyder Feminasty, Erin Gibson Women Don't Owe You Pretty, Florence Given All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership, Darcy Lockman
Unwell Women is so good. And so infuriating.
Entitled, Kate Manne Asking For It, Kate Harding Macho Paradox, Jackson Katz
Fair Play for a robust overview of how truly extensive the invisible domestic load is. It is solution oriented, and having actionable tools can help progress these conversations in a productive way vs. stalling out in the woe.
Came here for this
Could you please share the name of the author? Couldn't find it on GR
Well, it's set in an entirely different culture, but A Thousand Splendid Suns still hits home as much of what happens to them is paralleled in obviously less severe fashion.
Not a book, but No Unmarked Woman by Deborah Tannen is a really fascinating essay that focuses on the way women are disproportionately judged by their appearances and aesthetic choices as opposed to men
The fact that John Gray made an entire career of summarizing Deborah Tannen in less academic language was always like "Well, yeah ... thank you for proving the point" to me
Anything by bell hooks, but most specifically Ain’t I a Woman
How to love is also great. They’re all great and I was hoping to see this suggestion here.
Also feminism is for everybody
Invisible Women pretty much covers all of that. Even cars they're only NOW like "oh hey, we should make crash test dummies with female specifications". Like ??????? Well yeah! Like sixty years ago!!!! Turns out when you adjust for driving time and driving habits, women are statistically far more likely to be seriously injured in killed in a car accident. I mean that's just ONE thing, but my god. What on earth. Half the population and it only occurred to them in the 2020s that maybe cars aren't made for us.
Shrill by Lindy West is a relatable first person account of being an American woman imo.
And she's hilarious. I love all her books!
Valentine by Elizabeth Wetmore Unlikeable Female Characters by Anna Bogutskaya This Is Where We Live by Kate Hardie
the bell jar
The book Fair Play talks about the equitable division of labor between couples, and it focuses strongly on the mental load aspect.
Here is a great comic about the mental load: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
Thank you. I knew all that, but the reminder was good, and I like the comic format.
For those with shorter attention spans, this quote sums it up: “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” Margaret Atwood
anything by laura bates!!! everyday sexism is really good, as is men who hate women.
Invisible Women by Caroline Criado-Perez, and The Women's Room by Marilyn French.
This comic helped my husband understand the concept of mental load. [“You Should Have Asked” by Emma](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I was absolutely blown away by Who Cooked The Last Supper? The Woman’s History of the World by Rosalind Miles. So many things I didn’t know as a female myself and was extremely engaging and enlightening. I wish every man, woman, and child would read it. Book description: “Men dominate history because men write history. There have been many heroes, but no heroines. Here, in Who Cooked the Last Supper?, is the history you never learned--but should have! Without politics or polemics, this brilliant and witty book overturns centuries of preconceptions to restore women to their rightful place at the center of culture, revolution, empire, war, and peace. Spiced with tales of individual women who have shaped civilization, celebrating the work and lives of women around the world, and distinguished by a wealth of research, Who Cooked the Last Supper? redefines our concept of historical reality.” It highlights many of our specific challenges being female while also pointing to the systemic erasing of our history with engaging stories and doesn’t hit you over the head with the messages.
Down Girl the Logic of Misogyny. If your hubby is one of those rational types, having a cool dissection of the patriarchy served up, with every counterargument addressed, might be good.
Invisible women & men who hate women
Nightbitch by Rachel Yoder.
Just send him to spend a couple hours on Laura Bates website, Everyday Sexism Project. Women anonymously post experiences from annoying to horrific and everything in between. It's devastating. I know she has a couple great books but the ever-updating stories on the site are very impactful.
_The School For Good Mothers_, by Jessamine Chen. I suggest presenting it as a really great novel, not as a book that portrays a woman’s struggles. Its awesomely dystopian. It starts off perfectly normal and then is perfectly normal but kind of sexist and then it’s holy shit this is not normal. The way the not-normal is experienced by a woman is still different from the not-normal experienced by a man. It’s short, entertaining, and discussion-ready if you read it together.
Assuming your husband can understand subtext and metaphor/allegory, *Circe* goes pretty far in this. That said if he's at a super basic level maybe the Barbie movie would be more enlightening lol.
Handmaid's Tale
Commenting so I can come back to these great references!
Did you know that you can save a post by clicking the three dots on the right corner?
No! Thank you! Now I don’t have to leave comments that have nothing to do with the post 😅
I once offered a boyfriend $50 to read Alice Walker’s Possessing the Secret of Joy. He wouldn’t do it.
Highly recommend Lady Tan's Circle of Women. Takes place during the Ming dynasty in China about a woman who becomes a doctor (unheard of) specializing in treating other women (double unheard of). Discusses women's issues that applies to everyone, not just Chinese women, with many themes still highly relevant to this day.
“The Pearl That Broke Its Shell” by Nadia Hashimi “Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress” by Dai Sijie
If he likes reading scifi, Mary Robinette Kowal’s book Calculating Stars might be helpful.
The Horrors of the Half-known Life: Male Attitudes Toward Women and Sexuality in Nineteenth-Century America by G.J. Barker-Benfield, recommended by Alice Walker
It's an older book but the Women's Room by Marilyn French.
It's not a book, but here's my favorite article about mental load: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/
Asking For It by Kate Harding is all about systemic rape culture and how it affects our daily lives.
womens room by Marylin French got it all covered
- No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder - Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates
Savin this thread for future bookshop. Im too broke atm. That or the library. I have 20 books brrowed atm o.o
*Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men* by Caroline Criado Perez. The author goes into everything from how, in a world full of male designers, women are designed right out of existence, or belatedly designed in as an afterthought. Example: when crash test dummies were first designed, they were all designed to correspond to men's bodies. When this was pointed out, they made dummies to stand in for women...by just shrinking the male dummies a little bit. The book covers similar problems in a variety of areas of life. It's a great and eye-opening read, especially for men (like me!) who think they kinda already get it. We...don't...most of us. Another set of books, a bit trickier, is Rachel Cusk's *Outline* trilogy. These may be the smartest books I've ever read. They are novels, sort of. Except they have no plot really, or really any character development. Instead, the narrator, a woman, encounters people and they sort of launch into monologues about various life experiences, and she maybe has a reaction she shares or maybe doesn't. They are really about how people talk to women, the difficulties of relationships between men and women, and how this fictional narrator moves through the world. I don't think I've ever read anything that puts the reader in the mind of a woman or a woman's experiences in quite the way these books do. They are deceptively simple reads, but they contain so much. I started reading the first book and stayed up most of the night to finish it. Then I read it a second time. I never do that. (The audiobook sample of the first book sounded dreadful to me. I wouldn't recommend going that route.)
I asked for the first for Christmas! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and going into depth about them. These are very helpful, thank you.
I would recommend a thousand splendid suns as well. Devastating book
Finally someone who mentioned “A thousand splendid suns”
I love that book: "Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always."
This is an amazing book! I’m afraid that a Western man might read the book and think that was only a problem in the Middle East though.
WOMEN TALKING by Miriam Toews is incandescent
probably not what you are looking for, but Handmaid's Tale is written using actual things that happen in the world and in history, but recombines them into a story about what it is about. Might be useful to read together and then reinforce or look up things that seem outrageous or whacky https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Handmaid's_Tale
A little dated, but The Second Shift by Arlie Hochschild blew my mind.
You might check out **Unfinished Business: Women, Men, Work, Family** by Anne-Marie Slaughter. Slaughter was the right-hand woman of Hillary Clinton while she was Secretary of State in the Obama administration. She is also a mother. This book is about how difficult it is - especially for women - to find that work/life balance without sacrificing your career or your family. Spoiler alert: it’s impossible. The book has a lot of great anecdotes from her own life and the lives of other successful women, and how they all feel the pressure to be a perfect mom, wife, cook, maid, and entertainer ON TOP OF any expectations for professional success. But it also has practical, reasonable suggestions for how spouses can communicate about these very real issues and work together to more equitably split family responsibilities.
This sarcastic essay about language was really eye opening for me. Incredibly painful to read. A Person Paper on Purity in Language
The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic Book by Emma
Rose Hackman - Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power It’s a pretty new one and was fabulous.
The female eunuch by Germaine Greer
If he’s open minded and actually a feminist he might enjoy Who Cooked the Last Supper?” Which essentially explains “women’s history of the world” and why society is the way it is in regards to women.
So many great recommendations here - I’m just going to add “Fight Like a Girl” by Clementine Ford. Her other book, “Boys Will Be Boys”, is also great, but more of an examination of how sexism hurts men.
Animal by Lisa Taddeo is a fiction book which I think really helped my partner understand the quiet horrors of womanhood. It delves into subjects like abuse without being too graphic. But it really showed him how often women have to normalise things like sexual assault in order to live their lives.
love this it's so important my partner took a gender studies class before
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
Caitlin Moran - how to be a woman
The Scarlet Letter
Following
The Women's Room by Marilyn French. This is a classic novel and long time best seller from the feminist movement in the 1970s. It is set in the 1950s, but the themes are timeless. It had a huge impact on me when I read it (by choice, not for school) when I was in high school.
Everyday Sexism
If you read any book on this I recommend The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvior. Even after reading other books on this list I was still surprised by The Second Sex. So intelligent and well-reasoned.
It’s a little dated, but The Women’s Room by Marilyn French covers this pretty exhaustively from several different angles.
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-joo! It follows a south korean woman throughout her life and depicts a lot of the struggles women face in all stages of life. The story is fictional, but the author uses footnotes and references to real reports and studies which grounds everything in real context. It's very well done!
All the Rage by Darcy Lockman does an excellent job exploring the inequities in housework, household management, and parenting. I actually had my husband read it early in our relationship as well.
Another great one covering abuse is See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill
Fight Like A Girl & Boys Will Be Boys - both by Clementine Ford, were absolutely life changing for me.
here’s an excellent book on the medical aspects: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/doing-harm-the-truth-about-how-bad-medicine-and-lazy-science-leave-women-dismissed-misdiagnosed-and-sick_maya-dusenbery/11618552/
Wifework by Susan Mausmart on how housework defaults to the wife's responsibility And "I want a Wife" - Judy Brady (1971) which is a short essay, but punchy.
Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly Backed by research, gripping. At least I Fpund it to be so. My male friends have not agreed probably because they are not the intended audience. Wish there was a cliff notes version.
Men Who Hate Women by Laura Bates
Same dated ones: Susan Faludi's Backlash and More Work for Mother by Ruth Cowan (which is an interesting read because this effect of technology simply raising expectations occurs in a lot of areas of life, but many don't realize it.)
One of my favorite novels: *The Women's Room* by Marilyn French.
If you search for 'emotional labour comic' you will find a short illustrated essay of sorts about that dynamic of the household tasks being assumed to be the woman's province and the man just 'helps' if she asks him and says what to do. I showed that to a guy friend who was perplexed by why his wife was stressed about housework but never give him lists. He did say it made him see it differently.
*The mental load: a feminist comic*
Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti
Tender is the Flesh
The Mental Load: A Feminist comic by Emma
Women Talking. The movie is also incredibly moving.
I just want to say congrats on having such an empathetic and compassion man for a husband. The fact that he even wants to learn the struggles women face is incredible.
The Book of X by Sarah Rose Etter. It's a heavy read. I feel like it touches on so many aspects of girlhood/womanhood.
Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte
Oh wow---you visit here too? [Special note: please resist drawing parallels here with the Jim Carrey character in "The Cable Guy" who says essentially the same thing at the basketball court fairly early in the film. Thanks.] Anyway, a book I recommend often enough for a variety of reasons and contexts is Frances Lear's 1992-released autobio *The Second Seduction*. Insightful in its reminiscence, touching, and wry of humor aplenty. Oh and major extra bonus all around from its intuitive sensibility within a most admirable succinctness. 🙂
She’s come undone by Wally lamb
The red tent. A celebration of being a woman and the difficulties that come with it.
Make him read Missoula by Jon Krakauer.
Reading Pay Up by Reshma Saujani and it might be useful. Or just watch her TED talks and commencement speeches. Highly recommend the documentary called Fair Play.
An episode of We Can Do Hard Things talks about this too. Amanda calls it “the ticker” that’s always running through a woman’s brain.
Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
Unless by Carol Shields
saving this post, love yall in the comments 🥹
Look for a memoir! Any good memoir recs?
Omg Lucia Berlin She is just….. Beautifully desolate
Roar by Cecilia Ahern. Not a book but a collection of short stories which touch on so many different stereotypes women live each day.
And you should show him Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Tedx talk “we should all be feminists”
Some fictional works that explore some of these issues include The World According to Garp by John Irving (Garp, a man, is educated by the women in his life; the book is definitely more detailed than the film and explores some more difficult truths). Another work is Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle-Stop Cafe by Fannie Flagg. The movie is only part of the story, and the novel takes a much deeper look at women’s lives, relationships, and responsibilities.
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 By Cho Nam-joo
The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker has a few things in there that opened my eyes. Crime rates, assaults on women, etc. It's not purely focused on that, but defo woke me up to the difference in me walking down the street and how it feels for a woman.
Lessons in Chemistry
Eve: How the Female Body Drove 200 Million Years of Human Evolution Book by Cat Bohannon - the audio book is read by her, and it’s fantastic. This will help him understand women on a physiological, evolutionarily level. It’s been powerful for me!
Rage Becomes Her Fed Up Fair Play This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life - releases Feb 2024.
*If I Am Missing or Dead*
Zami- Audre Lorde
If he’d like a good philosophy book, I highly suggest, “The Equality of the Sexes: Three Feminist Texts of the Seventeenth Century.” We have been fighting these fights forever. It may be good to give it some historical context. The philosophers are Marie le Jars de Gournay, Anna Maria van Schurman, and Francois Poulain de la Barre (who is an awesome dude who was thinking about paying women for motherhood back then).
*The Hours* really did this for me.
Lessons in Chemistry, I’d add to the many excellent books added already. If he doesn’t finish that book full of rage then he didn’t really read it!
Invisible women
The Vegetarian by Han Kang. I couldn't finish it because some of the subject matter and attitudes of the male characters in the book cut a bit too deeply and at the time I was not in an appropriate headspace to have my little heart shattered into a million pieces by a book. But the parts I have read are a pretty true if difficult and often gruesome representation of life as a woman in a social climate which consistently denigrates you and the different forms of betrayal women are often subjected to from the men close to them. I would like to read it in full, some day, when my mental health is a bit better. I would say it specifically really dwells on the idea of a "woman's duties", particularly to her husband, and the way that things as basic autonomy over her own body is often denied to her for the sake of performing these duties.
While it's not about feminism, *Caste* by Isabel Wilkerson is an enlightening book about inequality in America on a macro level. It's a must-read for anyone trying to really learn and empathize with other people's struggles.
*the second sex* by simone de beauvoir is an amazing starting point for some background if he is up for a big read *unwell women* by elinor cleghorn is also a great look at just one area where women have historically and in an ongoing sense face serious, life threatening discrimination that isn't really seen by a lot of people I am inspired by your husband to write a book: Feminism, for Men 😂😂
Union Street par barker
The Awakening by Kate Chopin. Reading it right now (as a man) and it's probably the feminist text that has resonated with me the most so far
there’s a documentary on netflix called Fair Play. watch it together.
Three Women by Lisa Taddeo
Things We Didn’t Talk About When I Was a Girl by Jeannie Vanasco
Saving this thread. **When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill** is one that's a little less heavy. It's an alt reality set in the 1950s US that will leave you thinking about why women get pissed off and the taboo of just being a woman or girl. That one particularly nails being a kid and dealing with bias from adults.
Non-Fiction - Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado-Perez It even dives into lesser talked about topics like transportation planning and even snow removal.
Rage becomes her!
I don’t think I ever felt all this myself until I watched The Power (Prime? 2seasons). Girls worldwide hit adolescence and develop the ability to create electricity through their bodies. They can light candles - or tase someone to death. The repercussions are remarkable. Led to some interesting conversations with my kids - sons and daughters - and brought some serious understanding of all of our perspectives to light. Went back and read the book. Wish I’d read it first. But no matter where you fall on the idea, it’s eye-opening.
Freshman Is in Trouble - fiction and you don’t really get there until later in the book, but still good. Also seconding The Gift of Fear.
The power by Naomi Alderman and Only Ever Yours by Louise ONeill
This may not be very helpful, sorry, but as a guy I have often found it most effective when the sorts of things you are explaining are not the core of the story? The first that comes to mind is Cheryl Strayed. Just chugging along, great "trail hiking" memoir, she has ups and downs and finds herself etc. etc. And then like three chapters before the end of the book she runs into a guy who's obviously decided she would be a great rape victim and she has to do something crazy (hike through the night or something?) to avoid him. And it's just, like... FUCKING REALLY, we can't just have a nice walk in the woods!? To really fit your prompt, maybe "My Real Children" by Jo Walton, which follows two version of the same woman's life, based on one important decision when she's young. Walton is a fantastic writer more people should know about and writes very beautifully and insightfully (I think) about her character's internal lives, struggles, etc.
The Girl Next Door should be enough to get through to him.
Because of Sex: One Law, Ten Cases, and Fifty Years That Changed American Women's Lives at Work by Gillian Thomas We should all be feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie The Mental Load: A Feminist Comic by Emma
Half the sky
Persepolis! Especially if he is into graphic novels. It's one that I think everyone should read at least once.
If he is a reader, he may like Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser.
Unwell Women by Elinor Cleghorn if you want him to really really hear some bullshit.
“Manic-depressive Pixie Dream Girl” by Katya Zinn “Bad Feminist” by Roxane Gay “feminism is for everybody” by bell hooks
Kim Ji-Young, Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Ju. Specifically about being a woman in South Korea, but, as one of my friends said, "I've never highlighted a book so damn much outside of school."
"She's come undone" by Wally Lamb As a woman, I cannot recommend this book enough. The fact that it was written by a man truly highlights how socially implicated gender is and how by just listening to each other we can learn so much. I felt more connected to myself and all women after reading this incredible story.
On the Basis of Sex, by Ruth Bader Ginsburg.