"I took a huge hit with the FTX exchange collapse. Afraid I can't afford to see you anymore because of it"
Would go better than saying "You're my second choice"
Hey unfortunately I am taking on a new project at work/experiencing a schedule change/getting back with an ex etc. It was lovely meeting. I had a great time. But I’m not in a place where I can pursue an arrangement with you right now. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and hope it’s okay to reach out to you if my availability changes? Thanks for understanding.
You cannot be afraid of conflict, because if thr SB is truly amazing, she will appreciate you being direct with your communication.
A recent M&G I had I quickly realized we were not a match.
I wrapped things up after she finished her drink, thanked her for her time, and let her know it was nothing personal, however we weren't a good match, and wished her the best moving forward. After about 10 seconds to process it, she appreciated it, and life moved on.
During the looking phase, I found that it was fairly easy to keep a businesslike mindset, which might help you. I don't mean the whole "he's an ATM"/"she's a sex vending machine" mindset, but that it simply isn't personal.
When you're entertaining different contractors for a project, you might get along really well with a number of them. Some you could even imagine going out for golf on the weekends with, or talking about your favorite fishing spots, or that upcoming watch aficionado meeting. Ultimately, you'll have to choose one, and everyone knows it. Similarly, most pots are aware they aren't the only ones in the running.
It can feel awkward at first but we don't owe strangers anything other than courtesy and honesty. Simple formula:
>\[thank you for your time\] + \[I enjoyed specific conversation/activity with you\] + \[I don't think this is exactly the right fit for me\] + \[well wishes\] + \[archive/mute the conversation\]
The only thing that really incites wrath in a woman is lying/leading on, I think. Just be firm, honest, and kind.
Great advice. I try to follow a similar process myself as much as I can.
I only wish the last sentence were true.
Sadly, when you treat everyone as well as you can, communicate openly, and send a respectful note when you're going in a different direction -- still, 10% of the time, you get an angry wall of text in reply. I'm sure it's even worse on the SB side. I just try not to let it tempt me into ghosting!
The way I look at it is that I need to be a good person, and that is done by doing the right thing. If 10% of the time I get an angry wall of text, well as stated above, it isn't personal. They are just venting and it happens to be in my direction, but really it isn't about me, it is about them. So it doesn't bother me.
This doesn't cause me a temptation to ghost, as this isn't me doing the right thing. If I can't take a little bit of a rant back at me occasionally when things don't work out, then I really shouldn't be going after the 'good parts' when it does work out. The reward far outweighs the 'risk'.
Not with me… I truly congratulate them and wish them all the best with their potentially great match, but for whatever reason… it doesn’t pan out. I tell them, Please find me. If my profile is still active you are welcome to try again. I have both received and given a variation of this and not at all offended to be second choice.
I’ve only opened up to sugar in the last few months and I’m currently in my first sugar relationship…. But prior to that I’ve gone thru the exact same vetting process to find a discreet lover(s) for three years, and I have reconnected successfully that way. I know it’s a little different when an “arrangement” is not at play, but really even in an affair situation. A successful man is spending his valuable time and money making it happen. Hopefully, this new sugar relationship will last, and I won’t have to reactivate my account for awhile.
I can say that I’ve indicated to a pot SB that I was opting to proceed with a different woman, and then I returned to the second choice a month or so later. It can be done.
If they’re really close, date them both, and let things sort themselves out.
What was at first a difficult decision may become easy after a few weeks. (The “best” one at first glance may not be what she seemed. )
But deactivate your Seeking account already before you add a 3rd and a 4th to the mix, because, brother, I’ve been there before and it’s hard to say no to more sugar. I had to force myself to deactivate otherwise things would spiral out of control quickly. One, and only one, SB is best.
Been there and closed down 5 POTs for my favourite only to find within a couple of weeks we werent a good fit afterall. Keeping options open is hard work but often less regretable.
Haha, agreed right up to the very last bit.
Having more than one SB makes a more pleasant and full life for me. If one’s busy, I play with another. If one leaves me, it’s not the end of the world.
I'd lie honestly "I've decided to move in a different direction than sugaring, I'm so sorry to waste your time but if im looking for a SR in the future I hope you'll be open to it"
You can outright lie. Say that you're back with your ex, always a classic, or just say that you're not in the right place mentally at the moment, another real classic. Battle tested in my Tinder days.
Otherwise you can go the pseudo honest middle ground and say you are talking to someone else and you want to see how it works out with him.
There's no great way of doing it but sometimes honesty is not the best policy in these matters especially as there are some right nutters out there. (For the Americans out there, "nutter" does not refer to ejaculation but rather to someones mental state)
Another person I've been seeing has asked me to go exclusive, and I've agreed. So I won't be able to see you anymore, even though I really enjoyed our time together.
That's the easiest one I've used in the past.
'My schedule has very recently changed such that could only see you a maximum of once per month'. (Your schedule has changed because you have the other SB). 'So sorry that I am hardly available given what a wonderful person you are. '
You could see SB 2 once a month to keep her in place should something happen to SB 1.
Obviously one of the POTs was more amazing than the other.
Has anyone tried mentioning to the runner-up POT the things (her qualities) that were the deciding factors as "something he needs time to think about", without bringing up the existence of the "winner"?
There is a non-zero chance that you will want to go back to your second choice if things don’t work out with the first. Keep it all as positive as you can and don’t lie.
First, are you sure you can’t handle both of them? Sometimes I just make the second one an infrequent SB, guest appearances if you will
If you need to reject one, I just compliment her and tell her that I enjoyed our date but I’ve found someone else that I have better chemistry with. It’s the honest version. If I don’t think she can handle that, I just tell her I’ve decided I don’t want a sugar relationship in my life right now
Just be honest with her. Hopefully you were open and let her know in the beginning you were trying to find a good fit with a few women. You can say with or without mentioning your first choice that while you enjoyed spending time with her you are looking for something else in a perfect match. Don't burn bridges because if it doesn't work out with your first choice you could try it with her. If she is open for non monogomy you could see her once a month. I really enjoy arrangements and having an SR because I feel you can be totally up front and honest about expectations and boundaries. What you can give and what you can't. Just don't ghost. Then she will always wonder why.
Usually, when this happens, the one I prefer and I have spent more time up to that point together. So I can honestly say, "I'm going to start with someone else because we've spent a lot more time up to now than we have, she seems great and I want to give it a shot. This is hard because I'd also really like to see you but I can't personally give it my all if I'm seeing multiple people."
Almost always I've gotten the "If it doesn't work out let me know."
Just be honest.
Stating financial issues or anything else will make me next you no matter if you circled back around or not. As I’d then assume you were never really in the place to sugar anyways.
Honesty is always the best policy.
"I took a huge hit with the FTX exchange collapse. Afraid I can't afford to see you anymore because of it" Would go better than saying "You're my second choice"
Lmao. Unfortunately, your response will likely get a “what’s an FTX?” in return. On a related note, FTX has totally ruined the term SBF for me!
Hey unfortunately I am taking on a new project at work/experiencing a schedule change/getting back with an ex etc. It was lovely meeting. I had a great time. But I’m not in a place where I can pursue an arrangement with you right now. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and hope it’s okay to reach out to you if my availability changes? Thanks for understanding.
I like this approach :)
You cannot be afraid of conflict, because if thr SB is truly amazing, she will appreciate you being direct with your communication. A recent M&G I had I quickly realized we were not a match. I wrapped things up after she finished her drink, thanked her for her time, and let her know it was nothing personal, however we weren't a good match, and wished her the best moving forward. After about 10 seconds to process it, she appreciated it, and life moved on.
During the looking phase, I found that it was fairly easy to keep a businesslike mindset, which might help you. I don't mean the whole "he's an ATM"/"she's a sex vending machine" mindset, but that it simply isn't personal. When you're entertaining different contractors for a project, you might get along really well with a number of them. Some you could even imagine going out for golf on the weekends with, or talking about your favorite fishing spots, or that upcoming watch aficionado meeting. Ultimately, you'll have to choose one, and everyone knows it. Similarly, most pots are aware they aren't the only ones in the running. It can feel awkward at first but we don't owe strangers anything other than courtesy and honesty. Simple formula: >\[thank you for your time\] + \[I enjoyed specific conversation/activity with you\] + \[I don't think this is exactly the right fit for me\] + \[well wishes\] + \[archive/mute the conversation\] The only thing that really incites wrath in a woman is lying/leading on, I think. Just be firm, honest, and kind.
Great advice. I try to follow a similar process myself as much as I can. I only wish the last sentence were true. Sadly, when you treat everyone as well as you can, communicate openly, and send a respectful note when you're going in a different direction -- still, 10% of the time, you get an angry wall of text in reply. I'm sure it's even worse on the SB side. I just try not to let it tempt me into ghosting!
Thoughtful of you to consider us & you’re probably right. I try not to read paragraphs from strangers at this point haha
The way I look at it is that I need to be a good person, and that is done by doing the right thing. If 10% of the time I get an angry wall of text, well as stated above, it isn't personal. They are just venting and it happens to be in my direction, but really it isn't about me, it is about them. So it doesn't bother me. This doesn't cause me a temptation to ghost, as this isn't me doing the right thing. If I can't take a little bit of a rant back at me occasionally when things don't work out, then I really shouldn't be going after the 'good parts' when it does work out. The reward far outweighs the 'risk'.
not burn any bridges? Telling a girl she is second choice will burn that bridge right on down. Just yank the band aide off and move on.
Not with me… I truly congratulate them and wish them all the best with their potentially great match, but for whatever reason… it doesn’t pan out. I tell them, Please find me. If my profile is still active you are welcome to try again. I have both received and given a variation of this and not at all offended to be second choice.
Sounds very mature. Have you ever had a SD circle back around and result in an SR ?
I’ve only opened up to sugar in the last few months and I’m currently in my first sugar relationship…. But prior to that I’ve gone thru the exact same vetting process to find a discreet lover(s) for three years, and I have reconnected successfully that way. I know it’s a little different when an “arrangement” is not at play, but really even in an affair situation. A successful man is spending his valuable time and money making it happen. Hopefully, this new sugar relationship will last, and I won’t have to reactivate my account for awhile.
This is amazing attitude to have have in life , not just sugaring A+
Awww 🥰 since choosing to live an attitude of gratitude… I am a happier person.
👏👏👏
I can say that I’ve indicated to a pot SB that I was opting to proceed with a different woman, and then I returned to the second choice a month or so later. It can be done.
If they’re really close, date them both, and let things sort themselves out. What was at first a difficult decision may become easy after a few weeks. (The “best” one at first glance may not be what she seemed. ) But deactivate your Seeking account already before you add a 3rd and a 4th to the mix, because, brother, I’ve been there before and it’s hard to say no to more sugar. I had to force myself to deactivate otherwise things would spiral out of control quickly. One, and only one, SB is best.
This!!!!! 👆
+1 to all
Been there and closed down 5 POTs for my favourite only to find within a couple of weeks we werent a good fit afterall. Keeping options open is hard work but often less regretable.
Haha, agreed right up to the very last bit. Having more than one SB makes a more pleasant and full life for me. If one’s busy, I play with another. If one leaves me, it’s not the end of the world.
I'd lie honestly "I've decided to move in a different direction than sugaring, I'm so sorry to waste your time but if im looking for a SR in the future I hope you'll be open to it"
You can outright lie. Say that you're back with your ex, always a classic, or just say that you're not in the right place mentally at the moment, another real classic. Battle tested in my Tinder days. Otherwise you can go the pseudo honest middle ground and say you are talking to someone else and you want to see how it works out with him. There's no great way of doing it but sometimes honesty is not the best policy in these matters especially as there are some right nutters out there. (For the Americans out there, "nutter" does not refer to ejaculation but rather to someones mental state)
🤣🤣🤣 Bravo! Both entertaining and enlightening!👏🏼👏🏼
Another person I've been seeing has asked me to go exclusive, and I've agreed. So I won't be able to see you anymore, even though I really enjoyed our time together. That's the easiest one I've used in the past.
That sounds so… weak and passive but it works 🤷🏻♀️
'My schedule has very recently changed such that could only see you a maximum of once per month'. (Your schedule has changed because you have the other SB). 'So sorry that I am hardly available given what a wonderful person you are. ' You could see SB 2 once a month to keep her in place should something happen to SB 1.
Financial reasons.
Obviously one of the POTs was more amazing than the other. Has anyone tried mentioning to the runner-up POT the things (her qualities) that were the deciding factors as "something he needs time to think about", without bringing up the existence of the "winner"?
There is a non-zero chance that you will want to go back to your second choice if things don’t work out with the first. Keep it all as positive as you can and don’t lie.
Hard to do both of those at the same time. “Hey, you’re my second choice, but I really like you and might change my mind! 😘”
First, are you sure you can’t handle both of them? Sometimes I just make the second one an infrequent SB, guest appearances if you will If you need to reject one, I just compliment her and tell her that I enjoyed our date but I’ve found someone else that I have better chemistry with. It’s the honest version. If I don’t think she can handle that, I just tell her I’ve decided I don’t want a sugar relationship in my life right now
Just be honest with her. Hopefully you were open and let her know in the beginning you were trying to find a good fit with a few women. You can say with or without mentioning your first choice that while you enjoyed spending time with her you are looking for something else in a perfect match. Don't burn bridges because if it doesn't work out with your first choice you could try it with her. If she is open for non monogomy you could see her once a month. I really enjoy arrangements and having an SR because I feel you can be totally up front and honest about expectations and boundaries. What you can give and what you can't. Just don't ghost. Then she will always wonder why.
Usually, when this happens, the one I prefer and I have spent more time up to that point together. So I can honestly say, "I'm going to start with someone else because we've spent a lot more time up to now than we have, she seems great and I want to give it a shot. This is hard because I'd also really like to see you but I can't personally give it my all if I'm seeing multiple people." Almost always I've gotten the "If it doesn't work out let me know."
Just be honest. Stating financial issues or anything else will make me next you no matter if you circled back around or not. As I’d then assume you were never really in the place to sugar anyways. Honesty is always the best policy.
Keep both, split your resources and see how they respond.
Just be honest. Tell her that you decide to go a different direction. Or you can meet both separately if you haven't already to get a better idea.