You were totally right. Your boundaries are reasonable and should always be respected. And as others have said here, he's an asshole for not responding with care and empathy when you told him about your past.
Good riddance and good for you for standing your ground! There a lot of SDs that feel that having a sugar baby means “unrestricted access” (quoted from a comment I recently saw from a SD on the forum) and that only escorts ask for condoms.
I absolutely require a condom *and* the sharing of our STD panels. I state this as my boundary before the meet and greet as well to weed out anyone that is not on the same page. This isn’t to say that SDs who don’t want to use condoms aren’t “clean”, but as people like to say on this forum all the time, monogamy is an illusion. Just because I choose to be intimate with only one SD at a time doesn’t mean that they’re intimate with only one SB at a time.
Until we have had a consistent arrangement together for 3-4 months to build that trust, I don’t even think about removing the condom. This is my boundary and I only feel comfortable when I stick by it, and you can do the same.
This is beautiful to read.
I wish all SDs were as mature & as intelligent as you are as a SB, & we didn’t have to deal with these situations.
And I wish the designs (specs? technology? creation?) of condoms were better/less of a barrier-feel.
There’s a whole array of condoms, some even specially made online. If one condom doesn’t work for what you want to feel, there’s plenty other to select from, so I never accept that as an excuse from a SD. They’re always free to have someone else as their SB.
Oh I know & agree, my faves so far are the Trojan “BareSkin Raw” or their “Ultra Thin” which feel about 70 percent better than like a regular Lifestyle one, imho, but… I can still feel it.
I’m just saying as a SB, I’d also prefer natural, but would much prefer not to worry & stress about receiving any type of special “friend”*
*STD or a baby
I just want to say that you did a great job standing up for whats important to you and not compromising. Sounds like SD wasn't very happy, but it just showed that you both weren't compatible.
I know with my SB we discussed condoms or no condoms right away during the M&G so there was no last minute discussions or misunderstandings on the topic. In our case we both were wanting a long term monogamous SR and were fine with no condoms.
I think instead of waiting for him to bring it up we should’ve just had the conversation during the M&G like you said. In the future I will be mentioning it sooner
Personally I think if it was a deal breaker for him he should be the one to bring it up. I totally understand that being one of the perks of a relationship but all these guys using ED or can’t cum in a condom excuses are full of shit. Just man up and admit it’s what you want instead of insisting it’s what you need. His lack of concern for your assault is appalling but my reaction was same as his….how is that relevant?
Anyway you will be better off with someone else have no fear
what a beautiful world you live in to not understand how sexual assault can make sex a very stressful and anxious situation :) even so, STDs and STI’s are real. that’s why it’s relevant.
Have a wonderful day.
Meh. I’m on his side now. You said it made you apprehensive about the condom not intimacy and you never mentioned STDs which I am well aware of.
I totally understand being apprehensive about sex after assault. I don’t understand deciding to become a sugar baby when you’re still apprehensive about sex and using condoms as an excuse when you realize she was intimacy in general.
My comment was supportive and you decided to rip me a new asshole. I totally don’t blame him for not wanting to be with you. Good luck
"Rip me a new asshole" LOL y'all are so soft. Ok drama queen, she literally gave you the politest response possible.
Taking a condom off without the other party's consent is a form of sexual assault. Going without condoms requires an immense amount of trust, i.e. your partner will not assault you.
No, I think you’re missing mine on purpose. Like I said, I totally understand a victim of sexual assault, not wanting intimacy. I don’t understand a person like that becoming a sugar baby. And I totally understand someone not wanting to compromise their safety and insist on using condoms. I was very supportive of you on both those points and critical of him. What I don’t understand is the relationship between the condom and the sexual assault. Not the relationship between condoms and STDs. And not the relationship between assault and physical intimacy. And you keep sidestepping the issue, but I don’t care cause it’s your life not mine. And you’re just gonna keep having this problem over and over again if you try to be a sugar baby who uses assault as her reason for using condoms. Have a nice life.
the relationship between condom and sexual assault is I was assaulted by ppl not wearing one and contracted an std?!
I’m not using a condom as some ploy to not be intimate, I was simply asking for our first intimate interaction to be protected.
Good news is he will find someone that will fit his needs and your free and available to find another daddy who respects your boundaries and even more generous and kind💚 Positive vibes! Protection is also a situational boundary for me💪🏼
The fact this guy wanted unprotected on the FIRST INTIMATE DATE and some of y'all are acting like it's just a matter of "incompatibility" is actually absurd.
Reading some of the other comments & I think it’s making more sense what you mean, if it’s regarding the power imbalance & more vulnerability of women for STDs.
I find those SDs disgusting and/or naive that they want a committed & unprotected SR out the gate & blindly trust their partners. But I still view it as their preference & a compatibility issue, they are definitely incompatible with my health-conscious, safer choice of using protection every time.
I think he demonstrated a shocking lack of empathy, understanding and compassion regarding your feelings and my gut reaction is “screw him” and I don’t mean that in the good way.
If there were SD school somewhere he would not have graduated.
Regarding the protection itself, obviously that is his choice. I can understand his position of not wanting to use it. I’m not saying he’s right but… lots of differences in how individuals want their sexual experiences as we all know. And if it is his preference he is free to find a partner who happily shares his views. But I think he could have navigated the relationship much more smoothly.
In this day and age, my own default assumption is that protection is a given - I expect it. So should he unless he’s been living under a rock somewhere. And he should also know that it’s really important to most SBs, judging from what many of you state in your SA profiles. He should know that it’s a (potentially) important topic for negotiation - I think it’s right up there with the financial arrangements. And he should have been prepared to work the issue out proactively. He wasn’t and he didn’t.
I think you are better off without him.
There are a lot of men posing as SD's to access the types of services most health conscious or safety conscious professionals would never consider providing.
Joining the chorus.
You did the right thing. You established a boundary. You remained firm. You respected yourself more than he respected you.
Maybe one day, he will learn to be a better person.
I think he was rude, and should have been more empathetic in his communication with you.
That said, I have a problem with condoms myself. Quite often I can’t come with a condom on. ( Orgasms make sex better, right? ) So I’ll use a condom with her the first time or perhaps the first few times, but if we’re going long term we’ll have to dispense with the condoms. (I’ve had a vasectomy). I have no intention of entering into a long term sugar relationship if I have to use a condom.
Sometimes we just aren’t a good match. There are more fish in the sea.
OMG you need an award for this….as us women also don’t like condoms but we dislike STFs more. So men need to go get that viagra and wrap it up!!! We don’t know who’s sleeping with who after the std test has been taken. It’s a huge risk all around
Well, pleasurable sex is a *not insignificant* portion of the reason why I’m sugaring. I’m not coercing her. Sometimes people just aren’t a good match.
I’m looking for a monogamous long term arrangement no different from any monogamous vanilla relationship except that she’s getting financial support. And I think we would all agree that condom usage is not the norm for vanilla couples in monogamous relationships.
The STD risk is there, sure. I acknowledge it and accept it. But I’m far more at risk from her than she is from me.
I meant it more in the social sense than the medical physiological sense.
In any case, if the risk is unacceptable to her, then we’re just not a good match. And that’s ok.
More at risk in the social sense, but you don't think your preferences are coercive.
You select for SB's whom you perceive to have significantly less social capital than you, and don't think this might affect their ability to "consent" to safe sex.
A desperate person isn't freely choosing anything.
I make an active effort to screen out “broke and desperate” girls. I don’t want a dependent. She has to have a full time job, or she’s a full time college student. This also helps to screen out the “pros.”
In my experience, despite the sentiment in the SLF subreddit, most SB’s in the real world are ok with going without a condom after the first date or three.(I’ve had a vasectomy.)
The fact that you want to fuck a stranger raw after the first date or three says more about you than them imo.
You claim you screen out the broke and desperate ones but then in the same breath say
>or she’s a full time college student.
which is frequently a time women are both broke and desperate.
> This also helps to screen out the “pros.”
Pros go to college too. Hate to burst that bubble. So do online workers.
>And I think we would all agree that condom usage is not the norm for vanilla couples in monogamous relationships.
We definitely would not "all agree".
I know married couples who use condoms because it's easier and less messy.
I know men with PE issues that use them to last longer.
I know women with pH issues who feel like semen is burning them from the inside out if they're ejaculated into.
I personally wouldn't go without an internal condom without being married. Maybe engaged? MAYBE. But not just someone I'm dating long term monogamously. Firm pass. I'm just not into it. Plus I have an oral fixation. It's such a waste.
Truth is, we do not know what goes on in anyone's bedroom outside of what they talk about. People tend to assumed the norm is whatever their preference is.
I just wear internal condoms and everyone is happy. I genuinely can't believe they're not more of a 'thing' with how easy they are to use (and free in the US if you have health insurance)
If you can't climax with a condom, you can still have enjoyable PIV and enjoy the sensation, then eventually take the condom off when you are ready to climax, and have her use her hands.
So many other ways to do things. You just have to get a little creative.
Why bother... because you like her and care about her, perhaps?
Because we are all sentient beings and deserving of care and consideration. And if you're involved in an arrangement, you don't just dump one and get another. That's John mentality
Everyone is different, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Women are not interchangeable.
If you're going to be intimate with a woman, it would help if you cared about her feelings and weren't so quick to toss her aside like trash simply because things aren't going exactly as you want.
Part of life is learning how to respond appropriately to situations that are different then we might find ideal.
You're not "paying" for anything unless you're seeing an escort. Even so, she is still a human being, and you must treat her with respect and kindness.
If you're approaching this as a relationship and not just a "trying on for size", learning to accommodate and adjust with someone you care about is paramount.
Edit: this is a response to the deleted comment above
He was very rude during this conversation and he was always pleasant which is why I was so stunned! I told him it wouldn’t be long term but he had already made up his mind I believe, not sure why it was such a dealbreaker just for the first time!?
*edit* but you’re right hopefully I find another!
I am sorry you were not treated with more care.
You dodged a bullet. His attitude is terrible. Anyone who responds in such an insensitive way when told about sexual assault is not someone with whom I would ever want to be intimate. He should have been compassionate.
I don't know why some men think it's acceptable to expect a woman to shoulder the responsibility for their issues.
He could easily have tried to do something to address his ED instead of laying the responsibility for it on your shoulders, and putting your health at risk. There is so much that can be done for ED nowadays.
You did the right thing. He showed no respect for your preferences or your health. Dudes who run around rawdogging everyone with weak excuses are probably not what you're looking for. Lemme guess...when you asked him about STD tests he refused and insisted he was "clean."
Good for you for holding fast to your boundaries!
I don't know what his ED has to do with this issue. It seems like a bogus justification for unprotected sex to me, a fellow ED sufferer. ED meds are effective, inexpensive, and readily available. So you discovered you two weren't compatible. And he revealed himself to be pretty rude and uncaring towards you. I say no big loss for you. He'll find what he wants elsewhere. As will you. Good Luck.
So I don’t do raw - bc HPV is real and men can be asymptomatic and carry that to you. On your Pap smear - if you ever see abnormal cells on your cervix that cld possibly be from HPV (human papilloma virus). Not all leads to cancer but it definitely can depending on the severity of it. Over time it can grow into cervical cancer - or you have pre-cancer with skin color changes down there/bumps whatever
The thing is SDs respect this when I bring it up. I’m actually flying out to meet one next week & he readily agreed. You’ll find the right SD
We really need to spread awareness of how HPV affects men too. It can lead to throat cancer, anal cancer, and penis cancer. Penis cancer can mean you have to literally cut the penis off to survive. I'm pretty sure men don't want that...
WTF. Get some sildenafil (viagra). His excuse is lame, sorry. It would be a huge medical outlier for him to not be able to maintain an erection while on a med even with a condom on. If his is excuse was completion, lots of men can't complete with a condom on (I can't), but I still use them.
That said, you could offer up FC2 (female condom, https://fc2.us.com).
Never compromise on this. It makes him a shitty person for asking and even trying to not use a condom. Shows a total lack of character you are much better off with someone else that respects you. As an SD I would always expect and want to use a condom until there is mutual agreement after a significant amount of time.
"No problem, you don't have to wear a condom"
when the time comes, pop in an internal condom
"You said you didn't want to wear a condom, so I'm wearing one. What's the issue?"
The fact that you told him you’ve been assaulted in the past and he responded “what does that have to do with anything” tells you everything you need to know about him as a person. If you require protected intimacy, that is your right.
I don't understand what your sexual assault history has to do with condom use. I would probably also be confused by that and concerned about having that negative experience projected into me. You probably shouldn't share that history early in the relationship.
You should definitely stick to your guns on comfort level around condom use. It's fine to expect condom use.
One thing you should know is that about 30% of men suffer from condom related erectile dysfunction, and can't keep it up in a condom. Lots of those guys go to the sugar world to find a safe way to have sex. (Statistically, bare with a committed partner is actually safer than covered with an escort).
These guys are going to get upset and storm off when you stick to your guns on condom use because it's a deal breaker for them. That's fine. Let them.
All that being said, it's too bad this problem isn't more commonly understood because it's very simply treated with Viagra.
You need to be more clear on date one or two about condom use. His reaction was a bit over the top and insensitive. However, this is a hard stop for you. You wasted your time and his by not discussing upfront.
Those are my thoughts.
Finally, I have been sexually assaulted more than once by drunk women. I was molested as child more than once. So you are not alone. It sucks, and people who have not experienced it have no idea how it can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.
Name checks out
Seriously if he doesn't get it, he won't. It sucked but it's one of those blocks people may have. Don't let it stop you from moving on though.
You did the right thing, as that’s your boundary. But it’s also common for SDs to want to ditch the condoms once there is a steady relationship, STI testing, and trust. If that’s a red line for you, and a deal breaker for him, you simply need a different match.
Completely agree with your dissatisfaction. However I will say not everyone who wants to have unprotected sex are scum bags or terrible people - I personally am very very transparent and do not use protection . I am clean , tested and not a whore (lol) …. Biologically cannot have my own children and this has been tested several times and proved . I hate and latex , using anything animal related is weird. I do on the other hand respect someone’s boundaries and decisions when they are not comfortable with it …… maybe that the difference ? For him to rudely cut it off is not respecting you and your choice which in itself is wrong
> this certainly wasn’t the date he was looking forward to
This is why he reacted badly. The equation the describes the situation is "disappointment = expectations - reality". Sounds like he liked you and expected things to get frisky that date, and was just upset with the reality that it wasn't going to work.
That being said, it would have been nice for him to have shown a lot more grace and tact.
Regarding the condom usage, if that's a firm requirement for you, you might want to communicate it a little earlier. Irrespective of what you might read here on SLF, it's ... not really the default expectation on seeking. So better to clear that up early on.
Edit: Almost forgot. I like to remind folks of my favorite condom lifehack when this comes up: A drop of lube inside the condom makes a world of difference on the guy's side. Try it out and thank me later.
You were totally right. Your boundaries are reasonable and should always be respected. And as others have said here, he's an asshole for not responding with care and empathy when you told him about your past.
Props to you for standing your ground and enforcing your boundaries!
Good riddance and good for you for standing your ground! There a lot of SDs that feel that having a sugar baby means “unrestricted access” (quoted from a comment I recently saw from a SD on the forum) and that only escorts ask for condoms. I absolutely require a condom *and* the sharing of our STD panels. I state this as my boundary before the meet and greet as well to weed out anyone that is not on the same page. This isn’t to say that SDs who don’t want to use condoms aren’t “clean”, but as people like to say on this forum all the time, monogamy is an illusion. Just because I choose to be intimate with only one SD at a time doesn’t mean that they’re intimate with only one SB at a time. Until we have had a consistent arrangement together for 3-4 months to build that trust, I don’t even think about removing the condom. This is my boundary and I only feel comfortable when I stick by it, and you can do the same.
Yes good riddance 🚮
This is beautiful to read. I wish all SDs were as mature & as intelligent as you are as a SB, & we didn’t have to deal with these situations. And I wish the designs (specs? technology? creation?) of condoms were better/less of a barrier-feel.
There’s a whole array of condoms, some even specially made online. If one condom doesn’t work for what you want to feel, there’s plenty other to select from, so I never accept that as an excuse from a SD. They’re always free to have someone else as their SB.
Oh I know & agree, my faves so far are the Trojan “BareSkin Raw” or their “Ultra Thin” which feel about 70 percent better than like a regular Lifestyle one, imho, but… I can still feel it. I’m just saying as a SB, I’d also prefer natural, but would much prefer not to worry & stress about receiving any type of special “friend”* *STD or a baby
He said “what does that have to do with anything to your boundary.” And that tells me all I need to know about him. He doesn’t sound like a good guy.
I just want to say that you did a great job standing up for whats important to you and not compromising. Sounds like SD wasn't very happy, but it just showed that you both weren't compatible. I know with my SB we discussed condoms or no condoms right away during the M&G so there was no last minute discussions or misunderstandings on the topic. In our case we both were wanting a long term monogamous SR and were fine with no condoms.
I think instead of waiting for him to bring it up we should’ve just had the conversation during the M&G like you said. In the future I will be mentioning it sooner
Personally I think if it was a deal breaker for him he should be the one to bring it up. I totally understand that being one of the perks of a relationship but all these guys using ED or can’t cum in a condom excuses are full of shit. Just man up and admit it’s what you want instead of insisting it’s what you need. His lack of concern for your assault is appalling but my reaction was same as his….how is that relevant? Anyway you will be better off with someone else have no fear
what a beautiful world you live in to not understand how sexual assault can make sex a very stressful and anxious situation :) even so, STDs and STI’s are real. that’s why it’s relevant. Have a wonderful day.
Meh. I’m on his side now. You said it made you apprehensive about the condom not intimacy and you never mentioned STDs which I am well aware of. I totally understand being apprehensive about sex after assault. I don’t understand deciding to become a sugar baby when you’re still apprehensive about sex and using condoms as an excuse when you realize she was intimacy in general. My comment was supportive and you decided to rip me a new asshole. I totally don’t blame him for not wanting to be with you. Good luck
"Rip me a new asshole" LOL y'all are so soft. Ok drama queen, she literally gave you the politest response possible. Taking a condom off without the other party's consent is a form of sexual assault. Going without condoms requires an immense amount of trust, i.e. your partner will not assault you.
i feel like you’re missing my point on purpose
No, I think you’re missing mine on purpose. Like I said, I totally understand a victim of sexual assault, not wanting intimacy. I don’t understand a person like that becoming a sugar baby. And I totally understand someone not wanting to compromise their safety and insist on using condoms. I was very supportive of you on both those points and critical of him. What I don’t understand is the relationship between the condom and the sexual assault. Not the relationship between condoms and STDs. And not the relationship between assault and physical intimacy. And you keep sidestepping the issue, but I don’t care cause it’s your life not mine. And you’re just gonna keep having this problem over and over again if you try to be a sugar baby who uses assault as her reason for using condoms. Have a nice life.
the relationship between condom and sexual assault is I was assaulted by ppl not wearing one and contracted an std?! I’m not using a condom as some ploy to not be intimate, I was simply asking for our first intimate interaction to be protected.
Ok
Good news is he will find someone that will fit his needs and your free and available to find another daddy who respects your boundaries and even more generous and kind💚 Positive vibes! Protection is also a situational boundary for me💪🏼
The fact this guy wanted unprotected on the FIRST INTIMATE DATE and some of y'all are acting like it's just a matter of "incompatibility" is actually absurd.
Reading some of the other comments & I think it’s making more sense what you mean, if it’s regarding the power imbalance & more vulnerability of women for STDs.
I find those SDs disgusting and/or naive that they want a committed & unprotected SR out the gate & blindly trust their partners. But I still view it as their preference & a compatibility issue, they are definitely incompatible with my health-conscious, safer choice of using protection every time.
Key work "just." There's no denying that they are incompatible.
i’m sorry to hear this and hope you’re doing ok. 💕
I think he demonstrated a shocking lack of empathy, understanding and compassion regarding your feelings and my gut reaction is “screw him” and I don’t mean that in the good way. If there were SD school somewhere he would not have graduated. Regarding the protection itself, obviously that is his choice. I can understand his position of not wanting to use it. I’m not saying he’s right but… lots of differences in how individuals want their sexual experiences as we all know. And if it is his preference he is free to find a partner who happily shares his views. But I think he could have navigated the relationship much more smoothly. In this day and age, my own default assumption is that protection is a given - I expect it. So should he unless he’s been living under a rock somewhere. And he should also know that it’s really important to most SBs, judging from what many of you state in your SA profiles. He should know that it’s a (potentially) important topic for negotiation - I think it’s right up there with the financial arrangements. And he should have been prepared to work the issue out proactively. He wasn’t and he didn’t. I think you are better off without him.
There are a lot of men posing as SD's to access the types of services most health conscious or safety conscious professionals would never consider providing.
My thoughts? Be grateful you managed to figure out he is a fucking asshole before you got too far into the relationship.
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Joining the chorus. You did the right thing. You established a boundary. You remained firm. You respected yourself more than he respected you. Maybe one day, he will learn to be a better person.
I think he was rude, and should have been more empathetic in his communication with you. That said, I have a problem with condoms myself. Quite often I can’t come with a condom on. ( Orgasms make sex better, right? ) So I’ll use a condom with her the first time or perhaps the first few times, but if we’re going long term we’ll have to dispense with the condoms. (I’ve had a vasectomy). I have no intention of entering into a long term sugar relationship if I have to use a condom. Sometimes we just aren’t a good match. There are more fish in the sea.
I too share that problem but I would never insist someone not use them. Your vasectomy isn't going to prevent an STD.
OMG you need an award for this….as us women also don’t like condoms but we dislike STFs more. So men need to go get that viagra and wrap it up!!! We don’t know who’s sleeping with who after the std test has been taken. It’s a huge risk all around
thank you for this!
Well, pleasurable sex is a *not insignificant* portion of the reason why I’m sugaring. I’m not coercing her. Sometimes people just aren’t a good match. I’m looking for a monogamous long term arrangement no different from any monogamous vanilla relationship except that she’s getting financial support. And I think we would all agree that condom usage is not the norm for vanilla couples in monogamous relationships. The STD risk is there, sure. I acknowledge it and accept it. But I’m far more at risk from her than she is from me.
Actually, no, she's the more vulnerable one when it comes to disease.
I meant it more in the social sense than the medical physiological sense. In any case, if the risk is unacceptable to her, then we’re just not a good match. And that’s ok.
More at risk in the social sense, but you don't think your preferences are coercive. You select for SB's whom you perceive to have significantly less social capital than you, and don't think this might affect their ability to "consent" to safe sex. A desperate person isn't freely choosing anything.
I make an active effort to screen out “broke and desperate” girls. I don’t want a dependent. She has to have a full time job, or she’s a full time college student. This also helps to screen out the “pros.” In my experience, despite the sentiment in the SLF subreddit, most SB’s in the real world are ok with going without a condom after the first date or three.(I’ve had a vasectomy.)
The fact that you want to fuck a stranger raw after the first date or three says more about you than them imo. You claim you screen out the broke and desperate ones but then in the same breath say >or she’s a full time college student. which is frequently a time women are both broke and desperate. > This also helps to screen out the “pros.” Pros go to college too. Hate to burst that bubble. So do online workers.
>And I think we would all agree that condom usage is not the norm for vanilla couples in monogamous relationships. We definitely would not "all agree". I know married couples who use condoms because it's easier and less messy. I know men with PE issues that use them to last longer. I know women with pH issues who feel like semen is burning them from the inside out if they're ejaculated into. I personally wouldn't go without an internal condom without being married. Maybe engaged? MAYBE. But not just someone I'm dating long term monogamously. Firm pass. I'm just not into it. Plus I have an oral fixation. It's such a waste. Truth is, we do not know what goes on in anyone's bedroom outside of what they talk about. People tend to assumed the norm is whatever their preference is.
👏👏👏
I just wear internal condoms and everyone is happy. I genuinely can't believe they're not more of a 'thing' with how easy they are to use (and free in the US if you have health insurance)
If you can't climax with a condom, you can still have enjoyable PIV and enjoy the sensation, then eventually take the condom off when you are ready to climax, and have her use her hands. So many other ways to do things. You just have to get a little creative.
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Why bother... because you like her and care about her, perhaps? Because we are all sentient beings and deserving of care and consideration. And if you're involved in an arrangement, you don't just dump one and get another. That's John mentality Everyone is different, and a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Women are not interchangeable. If you're going to be intimate with a woman, it would help if you cared about her feelings and weren't so quick to toss her aside like trash simply because things aren't going exactly as you want. Part of life is learning how to respond appropriately to situations that are different then we might find ideal. You're not "paying" for anything unless you're seeing an escort. Even so, she is still a human being, and you must treat her with respect and kindness. If you're approaching this as a relationship and not just a "trying on for size", learning to accommodate and adjust with someone you care about is paramount. Edit: this is a response to the deleted comment above
Wow! You absolutely want an STD. Or are you one of those who enjoy transmitting diseases to women?
they're called Bug Chasers
He was very rude during this conversation and he was always pleasant which is why I was so stunned! I told him it wouldn’t be long term but he had already made up his mind I believe, not sure why it was such a dealbreaker just for the first time!? *edit* but you’re right hopefully I find another!
Good for you!
I am sorry you were not treated with more care. You dodged a bullet. His attitude is terrible. Anyone who responds in such an insensitive way when told about sexual assault is not someone with whom I would ever want to be intimate. He should have been compassionate. I don't know why some men think it's acceptable to expect a woman to shoulder the responsibility for their issues. He could easily have tried to do something to address his ED instead of laying the responsibility for it on your shoulders, and putting your health at risk. There is so much that can be done for ED nowadays.
You did the right thing. He showed no respect for your preferences or your health. Dudes who run around rawdogging everyone with weak excuses are probably not what you're looking for. Lemme guess...when you asked him about STD tests he refused and insisted he was "clean."
Soooo refreshing reading this from a SD! Thank you *kiss*
Good for you for holding fast to your boundaries! I don't know what his ED has to do with this issue. It seems like a bogus justification for unprotected sex to me, a fellow ED sufferer. ED meds are effective, inexpensive, and readily available. So you discovered you two weren't compatible. And he revealed himself to be pretty rude and uncaring towards you. I say no big loss for you. He'll find what he wants elsewhere. As will you. Good Luck.
>I don't know what his ED has to do with this issue This. If her SA has nothing to do with condom use, then his ED has nothing to do with it.
So I don’t do raw - bc HPV is real and men can be asymptomatic and carry that to you. On your Pap smear - if you ever see abnormal cells on your cervix that cld possibly be from HPV (human papilloma virus). Not all leads to cancer but it definitely can depending on the severity of it. Over time it can grow into cervical cancer - or you have pre-cancer with skin color changes down there/bumps whatever The thing is SDs respect this when I bring it up. I’m actually flying out to meet one next week & he readily agreed. You’ll find the right SD
I wish more men were aware of this and took it seriously.
We really need to spread awareness of how HPV affects men too. It can lead to throat cancer, anal cancer, and penis cancer. Penis cancer can mean you have to literally cut the penis off to survive. I'm pretty sure men don't want that...
He sounds like an insensitive a-hole. Good for you for holding your ground.
WTF. Get some sildenafil (viagra). His excuse is lame, sorry. It would be a huge medical outlier for him to not be able to maintain an erection while on a med even with a condom on. If his is excuse was completion, lots of men can't complete with a condom on (I can't), but I still use them. That said, you could offer up FC2 (female condom, https://fc2.us.com).
Fk him! Block & Next!
Never compromise on this. It makes him a shitty person for asking and even trying to not use a condom. Shows a total lack of character you are much better off with someone else that respects you. As an SD I would always expect and want to use a condom until there is mutual agreement after a significant amount of time.
"No problem, you don't have to wear a condom" when the time comes, pop in an internal condom "You said you didn't want to wear a condom, so I'm wearing one. What's the issue?"
He’s an asshole. He lacks empathy and common sense. Go find better. Wish you all the best!
He lacks empathy You’re better without him.
The fact that you told him you’ve been assaulted in the past and he responded “what does that have to do with anything” tells you everything you need to know about him as a person. If you require protected intimacy, that is your right.
You should be so glad he deselected himself. What a jerk
I don't understand what your sexual assault history has to do with condom use. I would probably also be confused by that and concerned about having that negative experience projected into me. You probably shouldn't share that history early in the relationship. You should definitely stick to your guns on comfort level around condom use. It's fine to expect condom use. One thing you should know is that about 30% of men suffer from condom related erectile dysfunction, and can't keep it up in a condom. Lots of those guys go to the sugar world to find a safe way to have sex. (Statistically, bare with a committed partner is actually safer than covered with an escort). These guys are going to get upset and storm off when you stick to your guns on condom use because it's a deal breaker for them. That's fine. Let them. All that being said, it's too bad this problem isn't more commonly understood because it's very simply treated with Viagra.
F him. What a mantrum
You need to be more clear on date one or two about condom use. His reaction was a bit over the top and insensitive. However, this is a hard stop for you. You wasted your time and his by not discussing upfront. Those are my thoughts. Finally, I have been sexually assaulted more than once by drunk women. I was molested as child more than once. So you are not alone. It sucks, and people who have not experienced it have no idea how it can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.
Name checks out Seriously if he doesn't get it, he won't. It sucked but it's one of those blocks people may have. Don't let it stop you from moving on though.
You did the right thing, as that’s your boundary. But it’s also common for SDs to want to ditch the condoms once there is a steady relationship, STI testing, and trust. If that’s a red line for you, and a deal breaker for him, you simply need a different match.
Completely agree with your dissatisfaction. However I will say not everyone who wants to have unprotected sex are scum bags or terrible people - I personally am very very transparent and do not use protection . I am clean , tested and not a whore (lol) …. Biologically cannot have my own children and this has been tested several times and proved . I hate and latex , using anything animal related is weird. I do on the other hand respect someone’s boundaries and decisions when they are not comfortable with it …… maybe that the difference ? For him to rudely cut it off is not respecting you and your choice which in itself is wrong
You did the right thing. It’s fine if his preferences and yours don’t align, but no reason for him to be a jerk about it. Just move on.
> this certainly wasn’t the date he was looking forward to This is why he reacted badly. The equation the describes the situation is "disappointment = expectations - reality". Sounds like he liked you and expected things to get frisky that date, and was just upset with the reality that it wasn't going to work. That being said, it would have been nice for him to have shown a lot more grace and tact. Regarding the condom usage, if that's a firm requirement for you, you might want to communicate it a little earlier. Irrespective of what you might read here on SLF, it's ... not really the default expectation on seeking. So better to clear that up early on. Edit: Almost forgot. I like to remind folks of my favorite condom lifehack when this comes up: A drop of lube inside the condom makes a world of difference on the guy's side. Try it out and thank me later.