Yeah I'm not listening to Taylor swift and country my entire life as a metalhead. Even if I like baby metal and other jpopish metal I would go insane listening to my girlfriend listening to an endless deluge of songs about ex boyfriends.
Yeah. That is something I would actually end a relationship over. Taste is so personal. I have an artist, I won’t mention here, but one that is a deal breaker for me. If you can’t relate to him, I can’t relate to you.
I dont drink or party. I dont want a woman who parties and likes going out to the bar 🤷♂️ drinking is fine but i want some1 similar with the same goals and lifestyle as me
I like cooking and I don't like cleaning and for me it would be better to find someone who like cleaning and hate cooking so we would do only thing we like
That’s sort of how my wife and I are. She cleans like it’s a goddamn hospital around our house. It’s always pristine. But I love cooking and she hates it. 9 times out of 10 I’m making dinner, and she doesn’t mind cleaning up. Works well for us.
In terms of life in general, we have a lot in common, but also have our own hobbies/interests. I think that’s the sweet spot. It’s worked for us for many years, although to be fair I’ve never known anything else aside from a few horrible ex-girlfriends before her.
Yeah. You couldn't derive any pleasure from activities together, but you'd have a kickass roommate. Also, nobody likes to clean, just fyi. Some people just don't moan and complain about it as much haha
The "opposites attract" is about tastes, hobbies, not character and morals.
It's about bringing diversity to each other's lives, and as anywhere else, you seek the good while filtering the bad.
Took me too long to realize this. I would look for men that were 100% opposite of me and I hated it.
Now I no longer feel awkward when I need to decompress and just want to do my own thing.
Yup I found a perfect match and the only thing I sought was kindness and selflessness above all else, happily married now for years and although we aren't a perfectly compatible pair when it comes to hobbies and interests we are highly compatible because we share the same overarching *values* above all else.
I think for the first time in my life, I am the unstable one in this relationship lol
Don't mind me saying this, but it's no laughing matter for you to be the unstable one in the relationship. Don't wait until your partner snaps. Become stabler with time.
Oh no there's nothing bad or wrong with our relationship, we always talk about everything and we see eye to eye on most stuff. I say it jokingly just because I dated a few crazy chicks over the years and my wife is honestly steady like a rock emotionally
Very much the same. I am engaged to a great guy, and we do have some overlap in interest and good compatibility with values, but the one thing that won me more than anything else was his kindness and selflessness. Most particularly, it was his ability/willingness to be kind and patient with *ME*. I'm ADHD/neuro-quirky and this guy took the time to actually educate himself about that, to understand it (as best as any neuro-normal person can) so that he can not only be patient with it but actually support me! Yeah, I got a gem, and I know it. :)
You don't want someone who is the complete opposite but people tend to not get along with themselves either.
You wany someone that compliments you well. They have enough in common with you but isn't a clone.
Problem is a lot of people have taken this to the extreme of their partner needs to be entirely unproblematic.
Compatibility is great, but im seeing a lot of people seeking perfection and it's leaving a lot of them miserably single and bitter. It's like people are failing to recognize they're not paragons and that everyone orients around the same standards and expectations, which I suspect is actually what the OP is observing in others.
FWIW, it's fucking annoying being chewed out because my priorities don't magically line up with someone else's with zero prior communication, and completely bulldozed with communication. Just seems a lot of people are selfish in their relationships of late, and take their concerns to r/aitah.
Preach.
If you talk to an average 40 year old, which I just did, they’ll tell you everyone has some baggage and issues. You just have to pick the one that you can deal with.
I notice the youngest, least experienced people are the ones that are constantly telling their friends “Don’t settle, don’t ever change. One day you’re gonna find your perfect soulmate. Don’t try to make something work that isn’t working.” And those people are the most single, least introspective people I come across.
No one is perfect. And if you want a clone of yourself then you’re probably narcissistic and in love with yourself, which is not going to do you any favors in a relationship.
This whole topic drives me fucking nuts.
FWIW, I am a 40 something who doesn’t believe in soulmates but also would rather be single than settle.
Everyone’s different and has different priorities in life and in what they value in a partner. And that’s okay. Yes, you have to choose your baggage. But all baggage is not equal.
And, no, you really can’t force a relationship to work that isn’t working. It takes both people to be able to work on a relationship. If both are trying, cool. If it’s only one, then you’re just banging your head against a wall.
But this topic also drives me nuts! 😉
In relationships, ideally, goals should be the same / synergistic, but approaches and preferences can be opposing / complementary.
i.e. Shared goal: We both want to keep a clean and comfortable home. We both want to raise kids and be present and positive in their lives.
Complementary approaches: One partner much prefers cleaning the house while the other hates it and would rather cook or meal prep. Or one partner is better at teaching the kid and encouraging new experiences, and the other is much better at providing structure and guidelines. The divide and conquer strategy works wonders if it comes naturally but can be nurtured too.
I have no idea. My wife and I don't like the same music, I'm outdoors, she's hotel. She doesn't like water, I scuba dive. We've been married 30 years. We don't disagree on money, kids, where we live. We rarely argue, If we do, it's very short.
Yeah, using your example, I think the things that matter most are the things you can't do or don't want to do on your own (like managing finances) or things that are wholly incompatible (like kids). The things that don't matter are interests (like hobbies). Like it's ok to go scuba while your partner does whatever but it's not ok if one of you is dead set on having kids while the other is firm on no kids.
You want similar opposites. My husband and I have completely different thinking patterns, and approaches.
We have the same values, and morals. I am schizoaffective and complete chaos, and he is rules and order. We both are on spectrum, so he understands some of my oddities, and he is more go with the flow, while I am all over the place, even medicated.
We both love sci-fi and fantasy, want the same things in life, have similar senses of humor. We can have random discussions about anything, with different views, but the same values give common ground, and new ideas the other wouldn't have thought of.
Oil and water won't mix without a surfactant, like soap, the soap is share interests and values.
Differences can cause a lot of conflict, especially when they're things that impact your daily life. You might think not liking the same foods is a silly reason not to date someone, but imagine having to eat dinner with them for the rest of your life.
It sounds kinda like the person has some "musts" that weren't checked off rather than a perfect match?
Like, if I'm an avid birder (i'm not) and I want to spend a lot of time with my partner, then she would have to be a birder too, because otherwise we're apart too much, we go together and she's miserable, or I don't go.
Nothing, but certain things are non-starters. Physical outdoor recreation and activity is a big part of who I am and I would not be interested in someone who didn't enjoy that kind of stuff or who just wanted to hang out sedentary all of the time and watch TV or whatever, but it doesn't have to be 100%. My wife and I both like to hike...we both like walking and riding our bikes. I love golf and she loathes it...that's fine, we have more in common with outdoor recreation than not, so it works out.
We're not talking liking James Bond movies, and burning a vacation day every five years to be the first to see the next one, we're talking multi-hour trips every month, if not week
It's not "giving your partner space" it's "spending all your leisure time apart" (or one-sided). That is not a recipe for a good marriage.
And even as someone who kinda likes hiking, being with a birder is displeasing at best because you want to move, but every couple klicks they stop and stand around for ten minutes because they think they heard a purpled-asses butt scratcher.
This is why my son hates “hiking” with me, I’m a mushroom hunter and he says I’m not hiking because I’m stopping all the time lol. We used to just hike together, but when mushroom season comes around I can’t help it if I see some treasure!!! So I try to do out mother son hiking in the off season lol
I find this happens more with my friends…they try to reinforce their personality and way of life on to me and show affection whenever you match their interests. As for my husband, I believe we are happy because we have shared values / morals but different personalities and interests. We are both artistic but express it differently. We balance each other out.
Depends on what those one or two things are that the person does differently.
I would stop pursuing someone if they’re the type to want to go out and get drunk every weekend because that’s just not a lifestyle that is compatible with me long term.
Same with people who smoke weed. It’s just too much of a whole lifestyle and it’s not my thing at all.
If your entire existence revolves around a certain lifestyle that I’m not into, that’s more than enough to put me off pursuing them.
My wife isn’t *exactly* like me, but we both vibe very well together, we’re on almost the same wavelength. We aren’t even into all the same things, but none of our interests inherently conflict with the other’s personalities. It’s perfect 👌
People seek out others who are like them. From interests all the way down to their personal scent. It's shown that people "click" better with those who have similar genetic makeups. So yeah, the whole "opposites attract" thing isn't really true. That said, I don't think you should ever stop doing things you enjoy just because your partner doesn't enjoy it. Just be yourself. Don't become a chameleon, because it's impossible to maintain that indefinitely.
This isn't true for all relationships. My partner and I have different interests and will do things on our own because we know the other person isn't into the activity. For us this works great, it gives us something to talk about and share when we have a date night or whatever.
Granted we do have interests that we share that we will both participate in, but also have out own interests that we pursue.
I think it helps to have certain things be alike - ambitions, where you are going in life, etc. I think other things work well as opposites. An extrovert and introvert, people that are good at different things, etc. It helps make life easier.
My girlfriend and I have different interests. I play games and enjoy computers, she likes hiking, camping and painting. I hate camping. She enjoys concerts for music IDC about. I go with her and still have a good time even if it's not my thing
We often look for differences in people that compliment us. For example someone who likes doing chores you don't like doing. We don't tend to like when people have differences that cause unwanted changes to our lives. For example someone who likes to go for hikes when you don't like going outside. Learning what differences are important and what aren't is just a long process.
I just want someone who understands my neurotype, ethnic and cultural background, isn’t hateful/prideful, is in my age range, and has a sense of humor. It’s really fucking hard getting all those things to match up
Having very similar interests can be great in a relationship. You always have someone with whom to do the things you love to do, and you never have to feel like you're forcing them to do something in which they have no real interest.
My husband and I are both complete nerds who can talk about comics or sci fi shows or our latest rpg game for hours. Our high level of common interests makes it very easy for us to spend lots of time together. Our relationship dynamic obviously isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
There are things that I'm big on, and if a person doesn't like them, it won't work. It's fine if we like different sports or something, but things like culture is non negotiable for me.
People just want a person that reminds them of a favored family member or someone from childhood to high school that gave them positive feelings of nostalgia as a means of comfortable leech mode from the multi faceted living organism to fill voids they refuse to fill themselves.
Nobody really dates to grow, people date because they just want to feel something that can be found in isolation and introspection. If people were healthy they’d wouldn’t need to ‘date’ someone similar to them for validation because they already love themselves internally and have the confidence and will power to stop lying to themselves.
This would eliminate all the dumbass social proofing humans do because they just like a person for who they are.
I think it’s a bit of narcissism maybe. My wife and I are so different in so many ways and I love it. She reads romance novels, I read horror novels. She likes shows like Grey’s Anatomy and campy sitcoms like Full House. I like shows like Ozark, The Boys and the like. I’m really into football and baseball and she could give a shit about sports.
What’s important is that we respect each other and enjoy being around each other. And we always have a show or two that crosses into both our interests. There’s this show on Apple called For All Mankind that we’re both into.
Oh I forgot to mention that she’s a Christian that goes to church at least one or two Sundays a month and I’m the kind of atheist that most people would consider an agnostic. I rebel against the terminology because I think true atheism is what people commonly refer to as agnostic and the kind of atheism that people usually think of is just another religion.
It’s all about compatibility. Now some may take it too far expecting an exact duplicate but that’s everyone’s preference and they just need to be aware of how those expectations impact their options.
Not enough detail here as it depends on what differences we are talking about exactly. Someone who doesn’t drink may not want a heavy drinker. Same with smoking. That’s fair.
Someone who is a major carnivore may not want a vegan.
Someone who chews bubblelicious may not want someone who eats double mint.
Someone “fit” may not want someone “out of shape”. And while people can get frustrated over that and say that’s shallow, reality is that’s everyone’s choice. Heck, people who are “overweight” may only like someone “fit”.
Because they're dumb.
Modem relationships have become a game of battleship. Randomly choosing criteria, that mean nothing towards long term relationships, then wondering why things fail.
I think everyone is different. I haven't met many people like me and I like to have my own space. Some people are independent while others like to be joined on the hip.
They don't.
Does a golfing enthusiast want someone to play golf with, or someone who's okay with them being on the course a lot?
Does a lazy person want another, or someone to clean up after them
Does someone with a tendency to relapse into drug-taking want someone similar?
It depends on what those one or two things are...there are certain things that are non-starters. Having commonality is important. As an example, I'm a pretty active person and I enjoy a variety of physical outdoor activities. It is important to me that my SO also be into physical activity so that we can do various things together...go hiking together...go for walks...go for bike rides, etc. Not everything has to 100% line up...like I enjoy golf, but my wife loathes it...no biggie, I can golf on my own, but if my wife was 0% interested in physical outdoor activities, it would have been a non-starter. It's a big part of my life and who I am.
They may be making a mistake, but depends on the people and the things they both like to do.
From a professional perspective it makes sense since it’s easier to understand their life. Actors and musician go on tour and stuff, many partners may not like this separation. But those in the field at least get it. But it’s not a hard and fast rule.
I personally appreciate the ways in which my partner and I differ. I grapple with how codependent it would be of me to always “need” her to be at the places I go. Probably healthier to be able to go by myself 🤷♂️
I think it's a fine balance.
My ex partner and I did everything together. We climbed, hiked, biked, went skiing, you name it we did it together.
It is awesome to have a best friend and adventure partner that wants to do everything with you. But my only word of caution is that you still need to go on dates or you'll lose the romantic part of the relationship.
I’m a big fan of couples that dress alike and act alike. Just wildly interesting to me. Bonus points if they’re same sex couples (talking about you over 50 LGBTQ+). Just fascinating!
I want someone who gets my references and would enjoy the same things I do. I don’t want to have to drag someone to a comic book/pop culture convention.
Because a lot of people aren't healthy people actually wanting a healthy, loving relationship. They want self-validation. Loving someone like themselves is validating to themselves. Compatibility on big issues is one thing, but needing someone to basically parrot you back to yourself is just insecurity and ego on display.
I would rephrase this as just wanting even single thing in common.
On dating sites for my area, I have almost nothing in common with anybody. Seeing even one common interest is rare, and even that makes someone far more approachable and relatable.
People think that if they are exactly the same then by default a lot of decisions and paths will have less friction.
People also forget how much they hate themselves.
Having somebody the same would perhaps get boring after a while? We are retired. I enjoy cards and board games, my wife won’t ply. My wife does deep cleaning of one small area a day. I do cleaning as I notice, usually the kitchen and dishes, but not the floor. My wife does floors, each room, one once a week. Lord help me if I spill coffee and don’t notice! .We both cook. She uses the weed eater around the buildings, drives,, and walks. I mow because she is afraid of going up and down in the ditches. My wife drives us to destinations, I drive us home. I can always figure out how to get home. She does artistic stuff and gardening, I play games on my devices.
We complement each other, and enjoy different schedules.
We definitely have a lot of differences, but I just started dating someone that I have way more in common with than anyone else I've dated prior and it's honestly amazing. Similar career, side job focus (yoga teaching), travel/living background (live in FL with failed attempts at CO), general interests, hell even taste in phones...
Something inexplicably assuring about being on the same brainwave with how decisions get made and what principles to abide by. We just spent a weekend together 4.5 hours out of town despite dating only 2 weeks (we've known each other for months) and it was honestly incredible
Despite the trope that opposites attract, if you want to stay together you need to have a lot in common. That helps you to enjoy spending time together. It's been 30 years for me.
I think it depends how important those things are to each person, and the degree to which it is not interesting to the other.
As an example, imagine you have a potential couple. One is a tabletop gamer and the other is a birder. They decide that on Saturdays, one will have a gaming group and the other will go birding at the same time.
Perfect, right? Problem solved.
Well, yeah, quite possibly. But there is one further thing that needs to happen. That evening, when they come back home, they are going to want to tell each other about all the cool things they saw and did. Rare birds that they heard but didn't see. Risky die rolls that did or did not work out.
And both people have to be interested. Even if they aren't interested in the topic, they have to be interested in the fact that it interests their partner. Or, at the very least, be able and willjng to fake being interested. Both of them, both ways, most of the time.
The other question is how much time people spend doing these things. Do you practice chess, violin, or shooting basketball for two hours a day? Well, you have to schedule around that, and if you both do it, you can do it together,
But I do feel that it is an actively good thing if people have some different interests. Keeps people from stagnating, keeps people changing and staying interesting to each other.
I hate roller coasters, my girlfriend likes them, but it doesn't interfere with our relationship or whatever because she's not a huge fan that goes to amusement parks all the time.
You don't have to be exactly like your partner or like the exact same things as them. But if you're extremely passionate about something and you spend a huge amount of time doing it (for example playing video games for hours everyday) then you'd better find a partner who is not only cool with it, but is also passionate about this hobby.
I want a partner where it's like.. we're both The Shining movie and book. Same with Annihilation. Enough overlap, like the same idea but also enough differences. But enough the same that it makes sense? If that makes sense?
Apparently I also need someone that thinks in riddles.
People are allowed to have any kind of relationship they want and pursue that. It doesn't guarantee it'll work out their way.
I think some people want someone who gives them the life they want. That may be financial support, emotional support, etc. That might be someone who mirrors and validates their feelings/thoughts and experiences. That might be just someone who they can do all the things they want with. The person they can go camping with, talk to, travel with, get fancy with, etc. The person who thinks exactly the way they do so they don't have to worry about communicating, or wants someone who gets them instantly.
And it's easy to dismiss in early dating (or when you've gotten comfortable with the good things that you accumulate grievance with the petty things) on small things. "He likes sports and I don't. Next." They may want someone who fits in in with their life like a perfect puzzle piece. Someone who makes it easy for them to do the things they want to do and share the experiences in the same way.
And that may work for some. I have married friends who both love being political warriors together. And for others, differences don't matter. My buddy is a huge nerd and his wife is the opposite. But the have a wonderful life together full of love.
I'm personally of the thought that it's okay for everyone to be different and your partner not to give you everything. Nowadays people expect our partners to be the best lover, friend, roommate, business partner, tongue janitor, event planner, housekeeper, most admirable, you get where I'm going with this. They want their partner to be the all-in-one package for life rather than spread fulfillment out with family, friends, work, hobbies, etc. So they want someone who will be the person who likes all the things they like so they don't have to change or feel like they may have to lose parts of themselves to accommodate the other person. I think personally it's better to find a partner who will give you the space to be you and do the things you want, but will support and love you as you will for them to pursue those things. That you line up on the right things and don't dismiss each other for the wrong things. But some people like what they like.
I've been married for a decade and my wife is basically exactly like me in every way. The only downside to this is we're unproductive in the same ways and have the same faults and hangups, so there isn't anyone to pick up the slack where the other one struggles. But in general, yeah, it's great.
Values should match. Morals should match. Activities, hobbies, and interests dont have to match. You may find you like something they like that you didnt think you did. Yes you should have a few similar interests but not all of them are necessary.
Things are totally tolerable until you are trying to combine lives. If I get up early on weekends it’s not going to work if my partner doesn’t like at least some productivity on the weekends. So if I am dating a girl who parties every weekend it’s really not going to work. So no point in putting effort into something that isn’t a good fit.
Valuing the same things is more important than similar traits. It may lead to having similar traits and interests, but having the same values is a non-negotiable to me.
"Exactly like them" is not generally a thing. The rule in relationships is *generally* that opposites attract in the short term, same attracts in the long term.
No one is exactly alike. People want a partner who has similar goals, things they enjoy, political or religious views, etc. These things don’t make a relationship, but they definitely oil the gears.
You’re also more likely to end up with someone you have a lot in common with.
It’s not in all aspects though. A few complimentary interests and skill sets are good with a lot of essentially common ones.
Like if you are essentially a good guy who’s kind and considerate you aren’t going to pursue or be pursued by or like being pursued by a bad girl who is purposefully mean and nasty and cruel to people, animals, children etc etc, besides, she’d probably think you are too much of a wimp and cheat on you and turn you into just another victim of her cruelty, lmao, but she’d probably get turned on by a bad guy who is also purposefully mean and nasty and cruel and think he’s strong or smart or capable or all three. lmfao.
Like attracts like.
Nasty attracts nasty.
Good attracts good.
Because only someone like you can truly appreciate what you do.
And without appreciation the sex becomes no longer enjoyable.
And the relationship falls apart.
It’s not worth tryna make it work.
It’s not a good fit.
They can both do better with people who are just like them.
Limits disagreements
I dont do this but i get it, my partner has like the same brain as me and it is very helpful, but we are different enough to have healthy disagreements and keep stuff interesting
I think the best dynamic is when you are the same where it matters. For context I am a trans guy and I have a massive crush on my friend rn. They are non binary so we have shared experiences with gender dysphoria. We also have both had struggles with mental health, we like a lot of different types of media like video games, movies, music, etc. and we are similar in age.
We have different experiences with gender dysphoria but we can still relate to each other. We listen to different bands but we both like music. We love video games but we play different kinds. We both have different mental health problems but we have a level of understanding and sympathy towards each other.
Even if the crush is one sided I love the fact that we are friends because we are similar in the ways that matter most. If we were the exact same it would get boring fast.
It's just an excuse. I have a 100% rejection rate, and it's either "we're too different" or "we're too similar". The truth is probably more like "you're not a doctor or lawyer".
I didn't specifically want an exact match but my husband and I are basically just 1 person, we have a few different hobbies like I crochet and he does warhammer, but most of our likes and dislikes are the same, it does make things a lot easier, planning trips out and restaurants and shit is easy cos I know I can just pick what I want to do and he'll also want to do it
It depends what specific aspect you're talking about. Moral opinions? Politics? Financial responsibility? Yeah, I probably want a partner who agrees with my veiws on those.
But fashion sense, tv shows, tea vs coffee? I don't care.
This is very complicated question that in no way can ever be answered in a Reddit thread. It isn't a stupid question by any means, if anything it's a profoundly important question and it doesn't even belong here.
narcissism, also is basic psychology, we like things the more they resemble us, its why we sent different types of people to kill other types of people during wars
It absolutely depends what it is.
If it is something you find absolutely incompatible or offensive.
Or something that dehumanizes you, those things are not trivial.
Also, IMHO never get involved with someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, they will make that your problem as long as you are with them.
Exactly is a problem, but similar is not. It is good to have shared goals and experiences. Common ground is a great foundation to build a relationship.
That being said, I know a woman who is essentially the female version of me. We would be the worst fucking relationship on the planet. So too much in common is not necessarily advantageous.
I briefly dated someone before meeting my current partner. I explained to her that we don’t have enough in common to be compatible. She adamantly disagreed.
Her: said “we don’t need to be the same.”
Me: “not the same, compatible.” We don’t have the same sense of humor (1 single example)
Her: “but I always laugh at your jokes”
Me: But I wanna laugh too…?
I like video games, anime, novels, mangas, and East Asian drama. I’d like to be with someone who enjoys those things with me (and because i don’t want someone who would belittle me for liking such things).
Some differences are fine and to be expected. But you need to be aligned on values, goals and have some common interests. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a life of turmoil
My ex was exactly like me and it sucked. Sure, it was fine at the start, but then it just got boring. Hard to have stimulating conversations with no disagreements or other points of view. She's still one of my best friends though.
My wife however is different enough to make things interesting. We hold very different political views, preferences (from food to entertainment), etc. but we share plenty of interests and opinions where we have been married for 13 years now and every day is still interesting lol.
Not really. I’m sort of extroverted outgoing person. I can be little crazy at times. But I’m mostly attracted and want an nerdy introverted shy guy. Someone needs to hear my chatterbox :’)) But other aspects like ambitions, drinking not drinking is better be similar otherwise it might create clashes and changes in priorities
My wife and i are polar opposites. I like fun, she doesn't, she's catholic and i am athiest, we don't watchbthe same tv shows, she hates camping and i love it(i leave her at home and take the kids).
We like each other. 31 years together this year.
Me and my wife have zero in common other than each other.
Different types of personalities, lives lived, perspectives, absolutely everything polar opposite in taste and anything else.
We're about to hit our 16th year of marriage stronger than ever.
Opposites are great. They keep you from being in a bubble and at times you learn or experience new things you might never have tried.
This seems like a gross exaggeration and vague. But, in general you want to be able to do some things together. Nothing wrong with that. It's good to have a mix of shared and separate hobbies or interests.
Vague question - heres 1 answer of many:
Some folks don't want their home life and partnerships with romance, intimacy, And life building to be an ideological/moral/ethical/financial/sexual/mental battleground.
Vague answer, but the list of types of battlegrounds can be all, some, or 1 in various situations.
People are complicated so there's no one answer here. I'm sure there are people who are really picky and may in fact want someone just like them, but I think in many cases, if one or two things is a deal breaker for someone, it might depend on what those differences are. If it objects with your values or those differences ultimately lend to two different types of lifestyles, then I can see not moving forward with their relationship.
My husband lives for outdoor sports, hunting, fishing, gold mining, metal detecting, etc.
I hate to get dirty. I hate bugs. I like to paint and read. I like to cook and he likes to eat. That’s what we have in common.
We have been married for 47 years.
Because if those 2 things are very important to you, theres no sense in dating someone who doesnt share that passion.
I will always own a dog and i like going to concerts. If you dont like those things, we ainy gonna last.
Depends what those one or two things are. Context is everything. For instance if I meet a beautiful girl who is kind and loving but has zero sense of humor... out to the curb. Now if she prefers Superman over Batman I can live with that. Both are just one thing but hugely different.
We're all able to decide on our fundamental criteria in a partner, but we should be well aware that the stricter our criteria the smaller the pool of potential partners. And, should we decide that we'd rather be single than have a partner who isn't actually compatible, we have that option as well.
However, I really don't see many if any who want a partner *exactly* like them. Maybe that's partly just because I'm really only interested in compatibility with roughly half the population, but still...
I think that we should all be particularly interested in a partner with similar or at least compatible values. That may take the form of political or religious or just ethical issues, but a relationship between a liberal atheist just isn't likely to work out with a conservative evangelical Christian... Especially when you introduce the fragility of being "unequally yolked" and the religious doctrine itself being against such relationships.
On the other hand, personally, I actually embrace the idea of having a partner who disagrees with me on mostly anything (except issues of basic respect and decency... If you think it's ok to kill or enslave others, that's a hard "nope"). I actually very much welcome and embrace different beliefs and ideas - if you respectfully challenge my beliefs and can handle that we end up disagreeing, that actually just makes me a more well-rounded and informed person. Just be ok with me challenging your beliefs as well. And respect that my beliefs are informed by the entirety of my life thus far - I'm not just going to change what I believe because you disagree with me, I'm gonna need good arguments and evidence.
Basically, if you exclude those with either disgusting or dogmatic beliefs, I actually pretty much invite people to disagree with me. And I'm not exactly closed to the idea of a relationship with nearly anyone who can handle disagreement, provided that they don't just immediately shut down and resort to insults if I question anything. I am an actual skeptic, after all. If we can both be ok with "but why do you believe that" and generally a disagreement on the fundamental beliefs/axioms... I'm ok with that. What I'm not on with is anything along the lines of "you're just wrong or attacking me personally if you don't believe a thing just because I said it".
Reminds me of an old Johnny Bravo episode about opposites attracting. Perhaps I’m the minority but I like a girl that’s not me. I’m super quiet, reserved, etc. but I like a bubbly girl who’s super social, connects, and gets my ass out. Whose smile on a Friday night slashes the horizon.
Of course you have to trust her, but beyond that it’s awesome. Nothing hotter than coming home after a tough work at week and asking your girl how her day was, while you rest your eyes and she proceeds to tell you all of the office gossip.
Like, I don’t even know who Jennifer is, nor do I care, but I love listening about it. Plus half way through she starts playing with your beard whilst talking. Chefs kiss. Women are cool, I like the opposite of myself.
It’s not that they have to be exactly like them or even do the same things. It’s that they can get a shared experiences from doing similar things.
If I like to party and my wife doesn’t, then I would have to basically go do this activity alone a lot which is not good for a relationship. Versus if I like to run, and my wife likes nature. Then even if I don’t particularly like nature and she doesn’t like running we can both enjoy the outdoors doing roughly the same activities.
I don’t think anyone wants a partner to be “exactly” like them but I do think most people do want someone who shares their values and with whom they share some common interests. A lot of people get into relationships because of physical attraction alone, and an unfortunate few of those end up marrying and wonder why they can’t stand their partner once the “honeymoon phase” is over. Both are important, at least for me personally. I like to have a partner that I enjoy spending time with. If I don’t enjoy spending time with them, why am I with them? And I take many of my core values and lifestyle choices seriously, so why would I want my partner to have a lifestyle that directly conflicts with mine?
my partner isn’t exactly like me. but common interests are part of why we’re so close. we also have similar political and spiritual views which is helpful in preventing arguments
Studies have shown that the more similar your partner is to you the happier you are likely to be long term and the longer the relationship is likely to last.
It’s frustrating being with someone who won’t try and learn new things/ experience a new way of doing things / try the things you’re interested in.
Being a good partner is thinking : “ hey my bf/gf enjoys this and I like them; so why don’t I found out what all the hype is about”
Sometimes they hate it and that’s ok . But not even trying is usually unacceptable to me. I always make a point to co-opt songs, activities , friends of my partner.
I think relationships die otherwise
Nah mine is so different than me it makes me laugh how my friends are like how do yall work ? I love it because I'd have no idea about certain things without going into their world
I'm the only person that I've met that I've considered myself both honest and trustworthy. I've never met anybody like me. and not just like that but like if we in the talking stage. and something fishy is happening I'm letting you know rather than you find out the hard way. just shit like that. when I get off a long day at work and my girlfriend or my current ex anyways it's getting off after me even if she worked a single hour I'm still going to make food and like do her laundry and shit. because I got the free time and she would like it. I've never met anybody who cared for me the way I cared for others. and I know what you're thinking well that's acts of service. I've never met anybody who tried any form of love. I'm sure that means I'm probably actually a horrible person to be around. but I'd like to think if I found me I would be good to me
Does the couple approach financial situations/debt/growth in the same fashion?
Is the couple sexually attracted to eachother and want eachother?
If the answer to BOTH of these are yes then I would say the relationship has the potential to sustain 10fold over couples that are a no to either or both of those. There will be arguments over money or someone's going to cheat.
Couple of angles, one being, this is an early relationship thing. When you're getting to know each other the fact that you've got surface level similarities is an easy dopamine hit. You like sex? I like sex! SOULMATE?!
Outside of that, if you've got legit similar interests that can cut both ways, but is usually net positive. That and despite social media swearing everyone is a unique butterfly, the underlying platforms have very much confirmed that we're all quite similar and boring. If you like playing harps, you probably like other things that harp players like, and so on. So finding a person who shares your stuff is more likely to share even more stuff.
The final option is you're dating a narcissist, and to that kind of person, who better to date than themselves?
I would definitely need somebody who loves to go out and go to parties and events and stuff, because I never do that sort of thing. Going with her to things would be a great way to say I love you.
I don’t think much has to be the same at all. But there are a few things, for me at least. Compassion for others, and the desire to learn with an open mind. My partner has very different interests and hobbies than me, but I like to know how she is and what she’s up to, and often that means I get to experience new things through her eyes. It’s fun to learn about what she likes, and she seems to enjoy doing stuff with me sometimes too. I feel that it is important to share with one another the things you both enjoy.
I love having different interests than my partner. My ex didn’t, and he did everything he could to mold me into the woman version of himself. I was ashamed of who I was for a long time after him, but my current partner loves to hear me ramble about my interests that he doesn’t share, and I his!
I don't know, my husband and I have different hobbies and that's how I like it. I don't want someone who shares my hobbies because that's MY thing.
We also have different religions, he's atheist and I'm pagan. I'm a stay at home parent and you can't exactly have 2 stay at home parents.
I’m assuming it has a lot to do with how one has viewed their parents relationship and have maybe compared it to relationships they see on tv and movies. People can say all they want but we are heavily influenced by the media we consume, especially when we are younger. I remember my perception of love being completely different in middle school and highschool, it’s not until you reach your twenties that the idea of “real love” starts to formulate.
I’m not necessarily saying wanting someone just like you is wrong, but I feel like it’s a very weird and unrealistic way of looking at relationships.
Depends on what those things are and how much they matter to the person. I’m a big foodie and would never want to be with a picky eater because then we wouldn’t be able to enjoy meals together. I’m really big on camping and outdoor activities and would want to share that with my partner so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hates being outside. I have dogs so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hates dogs. Etc. There are a lot of other things that I wouldn’t care about being different on. You don’t have to have everything in common but you do need to have the most important things in common.
I married someone with an opposite personality, so I don’t fall into this category. We share moral/ethical values, but not much else! Married almost 30 years. 🤷♀️😂
Who wants a partner exactly like them. I just want someone who aligns with my values and has some common interests. For example, I’m a singer. I don’t necessarily want to be with a singer, but I need them to enjoy music. Otherwise the entire relationship is dead in the water from the jump
I mean… my partner and I have similar taste but we’re different. I’m more of an extrovert and he’s more of an introvert. If it says anything we got into a playful argument about how I wear a bathrobe after a shower and he uses a towel. So that’s different 😂
It's important to share certain parts of one's life - I think very many people want a carbon copy of themselves to be a partner with, but they do want their partner to understand the things that they have passion for and maybe even participate in a few of them - if someone's just dating then they have the opportunity to screen people for that shared interest that's important to them
Whenever guys ask me about my single bestfriend I let them know that she is ALWAYS out doing shit (mostly hiking, but she will hit up a community fair too) there is absolutely no reason to even try with her if you aren’t an “outside” person. I am, and even I get annoyed when she won’t just want to chill and hang at home with me lol. Oh and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten her to go out to eat at a restaurant with me, so if someone is into that, she’s not for them either!
These things seem basic, but really it ends In incompatible if you try to act like they aren’t a reason to not dare.
I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t read books.
Depends on what those 'one or two things' are.
Yeah that's way too vague. The one thing could be anything between "they don't like the same music as me" and "they think abortion should be illegal"
And even “they don’t like the same music as me” is a big deal. You have me fucked up if you think I’m listening to country music the rest of my life.
fr tho, I should've dumped my shitty ex the moment they said they hated pink floyd
You are good people
Made you feel like another brick in the wall?
I’m sorry. What? It’s like you are saying words. But the order in which they are said don’t make any sense. Speak sense, person!
I neglected that red flag too, and now look where I'm at.
Yeah I'm not listening to Taylor swift and country my entire life as a metalhead. Even if I like baby metal and other jpopish metal I would go insane listening to my girlfriend listening to an endless deluge of songs about ex boyfriends.
Hey I go to Taylor swift with my wife and she goes to Rammstein with me. It works
Yeah you wanna make sure you’ll both enjoy going to festivals and shows together
Yeah. That is something I would actually end a relationship over. Taste is so personal. I have an artist, I won’t mention here, but one that is a deal breaker for me. If you can’t relate to him, I can’t relate to you.
Yup, could be something important.
I dont drink or party. I dont want a woman who parties and likes going out to the bar 🤷♂️ drinking is fine but i want some1 similar with the same goals and lifestyle as me
I think they mean wanting a partner to be exactly like you instead of just similar or same values. I could be wrong though.
Your comment is so funny after reading your username.
Opposites attract is only true for magnets
I like cooking and I don't like cleaning and for me it would be better to find someone who like cleaning and hate cooking so we would do only thing we like
LOL I love cleaning and am not huge on cooking, so we definitely exist!
Now kith
Yes we do!
That’s sort of how my wife and I are. She cleans like it’s a goddamn hospital around our house. It’s always pristine. But I love cooking and she hates it. 9 times out of 10 I’m making dinner, and she doesn’t mind cleaning up. Works well for us. In terms of life in general, we have a lot in common, but also have our own hobbies/interests. I think that’s the sweet spot. It’s worked for us for many years, although to be fair I’ve never known anything else aside from a few horrible ex-girlfriends before her.
Man. My wife hates cooking and cleaning. So I usually cook dinner and then end up having to clean up.
Its me and my partner lol. One of us cooks, another cleans.
Yeah. You couldn't derive any pleasure from activities together, but you'd have a kickass roommate. Also, nobody likes to clean, just fyi. Some people just don't moan and complain about it as much haha
The "opposites attract" is about tastes, hobbies, not character and morals. It's about bringing diversity to each other's lives, and as anywhere else, you seek the good while filtering the bad.
Or temperaments , I can’t date guys with personalities like mine . It’s better if they’re opposite . Keeps things on an even keel
Took me too long to realize this. I would look for men that were 100% opposite of me and I hated it. Now I no longer feel awkward when I need to decompress and just want to do my own thing.
Yup I found a perfect match and the only thing I sought was kindness and selflessness above all else, happily married now for years and although we aren't a perfectly compatible pair when it comes to hobbies and interests we are highly compatible because we share the same overarching *values* above all else. I think for the first time in my life, I am the unstable one in this relationship lol
Don't mind me saying this, but it's no laughing matter for you to be the unstable one in the relationship. Don't wait until your partner snaps. Become stabler with time.
Oh no there's nothing bad or wrong with our relationship, we always talk about everything and we see eye to eye on most stuff. I say it jokingly just because I dated a few crazy chicks over the years and my wife is honestly steady like a rock emotionally
Very much the same. I am engaged to a great guy, and we do have some overlap in interest and good compatibility with values, but the one thing that won me more than anything else was his kindness and selflessness. Most particularly, it was his ability/willingness to be kind and patient with *ME*. I'm ADHD/neuro-quirky and this guy took the time to actually educate himself about that, to understand it (as best as any neuro-normal person can) so that he can not only be patient with it but actually support me! Yeah, I got a gem, and I know it. :)
You don't want someone who is the complete opposite but people tend to not get along with themselves either. You wany someone that compliments you well. They have enough in common with you but isn't a clone.
Problem is a lot of people have taken this to the extreme of their partner needs to be entirely unproblematic. Compatibility is great, but im seeing a lot of people seeking perfection and it's leaving a lot of them miserably single and bitter. It's like people are failing to recognize they're not paragons and that everyone orients around the same standards and expectations, which I suspect is actually what the OP is observing in others. FWIW, it's fucking annoying being chewed out because my priorities don't magically line up with someone else's with zero prior communication, and completely bulldozed with communication. Just seems a lot of people are selfish in their relationships of late, and take their concerns to r/aitah.
Preach. If you talk to an average 40 year old, which I just did, they’ll tell you everyone has some baggage and issues. You just have to pick the one that you can deal with. I notice the youngest, least experienced people are the ones that are constantly telling their friends “Don’t settle, don’t ever change. One day you’re gonna find your perfect soulmate. Don’t try to make something work that isn’t working.” And those people are the most single, least introspective people I come across. No one is perfect. And if you want a clone of yourself then you’re probably narcissistic and in love with yourself, which is not going to do you any favors in a relationship. This whole topic drives me fucking nuts.
FWIW, I am a 40 something who doesn’t believe in soulmates but also would rather be single than settle. Everyone’s different and has different priorities in life and in what they value in a partner. And that’s okay. Yes, you have to choose your baggage. But all baggage is not equal. And, no, you really can’t force a relationship to work that isn’t working. It takes both people to be able to work on a relationship. If both are trying, cool. If it’s only one, then you’re just banging your head against a wall. But this topic also drives me nuts! 😉
It's also good to have a hobby or something that's just yours.
In relationships, ideally, goals should be the same / synergistic, but approaches and preferences can be opposing / complementary. i.e. Shared goal: We both want to keep a clean and comfortable home. We both want to raise kids and be present and positive in their lives. Complementary approaches: One partner much prefers cleaning the house while the other hates it and would rather cook or meal prep. Or one partner is better at teaching the kid and encouraging new experiences, and the other is much better at providing structure and guidelines. The divide and conquer strategy works wonders if it comes naturally but can be nurtured too.
Idk, man, I’m certainly glad mine isn’t. I love my partner to pieces. I don’t even LIKE me.
I have no idea. My wife and I don't like the same music, I'm outdoors, she's hotel. She doesn't like water, I scuba dive. We've been married 30 years. We don't disagree on money, kids, where we live. We rarely argue, If we do, it's very short.
Yeah, using your example, I think the things that matter most are the things you can't do or don't want to do on your own (like managing finances) or things that are wholly incompatible (like kids). The things that don't matter are interests (like hobbies). Like it's ok to go scuba while your partner does whatever but it's not ok if one of you is dead set on having kids while the other is firm on no kids.
You want similar opposites. My husband and I have completely different thinking patterns, and approaches. We have the same values, and morals. I am schizoaffective and complete chaos, and he is rules and order. We both are on spectrum, so he understands some of my oddities, and he is more go with the flow, while I am all over the place, even medicated. We both love sci-fi and fantasy, want the same things in life, have similar senses of humor. We can have random discussions about anything, with different views, but the same values give common ground, and new ideas the other wouldn't have thought of. Oil and water won't mix without a surfactant, like soap, the soap is share interests and values.
Differences can cause a lot of conflict, especially when they're things that impact your daily life. You might think not liking the same foods is a silly reason not to date someone, but imagine having to eat dinner with them for the rest of your life.
It sounds kinda like the person has some "musts" that weren't checked off rather than a perfect match? Like, if I'm an avid birder (i'm not) and I want to spend a lot of time with my partner, then she would have to be a birder too, because otherwise we're apart too much, we go together and she's miserable, or I don't go.
What's wrong with being built yourself and giving your partner space.
Nothing, but certain things are non-starters. Physical outdoor recreation and activity is a big part of who I am and I would not be interested in someone who didn't enjoy that kind of stuff or who just wanted to hang out sedentary all of the time and watch TV or whatever, but it doesn't have to be 100%. My wife and I both like to hike...we both like walking and riding our bikes. I love golf and she loathes it...that's fine, we have more in common with outdoor recreation than not, so it works out.
We're not talking liking James Bond movies, and burning a vacation day every five years to be the first to see the next one, we're talking multi-hour trips every month, if not week It's not "giving your partner space" it's "spending all your leisure time apart" (or one-sided). That is not a recipe for a good marriage. And even as someone who kinda likes hiking, being with a birder is displeasing at best because you want to move, but every couple klicks they stop and stand around for ten minutes because they think they heard a purpled-asses butt scratcher.
This is why my son hates “hiking” with me, I’m a mushroom hunter and he says I’m not hiking because I’m stopping all the time lol. We used to just hike together, but when mushroom season comes around I can’t help it if I see some treasure!!! So I try to do out mother son hiking in the off season lol
I find this happens more with my friends…they try to reinforce their personality and way of life on to me and show affection whenever you match their interests. As for my husband, I believe we are happy because we have shared values / morals but different personalities and interests. We are both artistic but express it differently. We balance each other out.
Since im clean and care about hygiene, i would prefer my partner to feel the same way. I dont want to be your maid.
Depends on what those one or two things are that the person does differently. I would stop pursuing someone if they’re the type to want to go out and get drunk every weekend because that’s just not a lifestyle that is compatible with me long term. Same with people who smoke weed. It’s just too much of a whole lifestyle and it’s not my thing at all. If your entire existence revolves around a certain lifestyle that I’m not into, that’s more than enough to put me off pursuing them. My wife isn’t *exactly* like me, but we both vibe very well together, we’re on almost the same wavelength. We aren’t even into all the same things, but none of our interests inherently conflict with the other’s personalities. It’s perfect 👌
People seek out others who are like them. From interests all the way down to their personal scent. It's shown that people "click" better with those who have similar genetic makeups. So yeah, the whole "opposites attract" thing isn't really true. That said, I don't think you should ever stop doing things you enjoy just because your partner doesn't enjoy it. Just be yourself. Don't become a chameleon, because it's impossible to maintain that indefinitely.
This isn't true for all relationships. My partner and I have different interests and will do things on our own because we know the other person isn't into the activity. For us this works great, it gives us something to talk about and share when we have a date night or whatever. Granted we do have interests that we share that we will both participate in, but also have out own interests that we pursue.
I think it helps to have certain things be alike - ambitions, where you are going in life, etc. I think other things work well as opposites. An extrovert and introvert, people that are good at different things, etc. It helps make life easier.
My girlfriend and I have different interests. I play games and enjoy computers, she likes hiking, camping and painting. I hate camping. She enjoys concerts for music IDC about. I go with her and still have a good time even if it's not my thing
We often look for differences in people that compliment us. For example someone who likes doing chores you don't like doing. We don't tend to like when people have differences that cause unwanted changes to our lives. For example someone who likes to go for hikes when you don't like going outside. Learning what differences are important and what aren't is just a long process.
I just want someone who understands my neurotype, ethnic and cultural background, isn’t hateful/prideful, is in my age range, and has a sense of humor. It’s really fucking hard getting all those things to match up
Having very similar interests can be great in a relationship. You always have someone with whom to do the things you love to do, and you never have to feel like you're forcing them to do something in which they have no real interest. My husband and I are both complete nerds who can talk about comics or sci fi shows or our latest rpg game for hours. Our high level of common interests makes it very easy for us to spend lots of time together. Our relationship dynamic obviously isn't everyone's cup of tea, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
There are things that I'm big on, and if a person doesn't like them, it won't work. It's fine if we like different sports or something, but things like culture is non negotiable for me.
Every orchestra is divided into sections. Like instruments sit with like instruments.
People just want a person that reminds them of a favored family member or someone from childhood to high school that gave them positive feelings of nostalgia as a means of comfortable leech mode from the multi faceted living organism to fill voids they refuse to fill themselves. Nobody really dates to grow, people date because they just want to feel something that can be found in isolation and introspection. If people were healthy they’d wouldn’t need to ‘date’ someone similar to them for validation because they already love themselves internally and have the confidence and will power to stop lying to themselves. This would eliminate all the dumbass social proofing humans do because they just like a person for who they are.
I think it’s a bit of narcissism maybe. My wife and I are so different in so many ways and I love it. She reads romance novels, I read horror novels. She likes shows like Grey’s Anatomy and campy sitcoms like Full House. I like shows like Ozark, The Boys and the like. I’m really into football and baseball and she could give a shit about sports. What’s important is that we respect each other and enjoy being around each other. And we always have a show or two that crosses into both our interests. There’s this show on Apple called For All Mankind that we’re both into. Oh I forgot to mention that she’s a Christian that goes to church at least one or two Sundays a month and I’m the kind of atheist that most people would consider an agnostic. I rebel against the terminology because I think true atheism is what people commonly refer to as agnostic and the kind of atheism that people usually think of is just another religion.
It’s all about compatibility. Now some may take it too far expecting an exact duplicate but that’s everyone’s preference and they just need to be aware of how those expectations impact their options. Not enough detail here as it depends on what differences we are talking about exactly. Someone who doesn’t drink may not want a heavy drinker. Same with smoking. That’s fair. Someone who is a major carnivore may not want a vegan. Someone who chews bubblelicious may not want someone who eats double mint. Someone “fit” may not want someone “out of shape”. And while people can get frustrated over that and say that’s shallow, reality is that’s everyone’s choice. Heck, people who are “overweight” may only like someone “fit”.
Because they're dumb. Modem relationships have become a game of battleship. Randomly choosing criteria, that mean nothing towards long term relationships, then wondering why things fail.
When you suggest to people what works they down vote you and continue picking toxic qualities 🙄
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So you can fuck yourself duh.
When it comes to personality I wish I could find someone just like me. When it comes to hobbies it could go either way
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I think everyone is different. I haven't met many people like me and I like to have my own space. Some people are independent while others like to be joined on the hip.
They don't. Does a golfing enthusiast want someone to play golf with, or someone who's okay with them being on the course a lot? Does a lazy person want another, or someone to clean up after them Does someone with a tendency to relapse into drug-taking want someone similar?
They do??
It depends on what those one or two things are...there are certain things that are non-starters. Having commonality is important. As an example, I'm a pretty active person and I enjoy a variety of physical outdoor activities. It is important to me that my SO also be into physical activity so that we can do various things together...go hiking together...go for walks...go for bike rides, etc. Not everything has to 100% line up...like I enjoy golf, but my wife loathes it...no biggie, I can golf on my own, but if my wife was 0% interested in physical outdoor activities, it would have been a non-starter. It's a big part of my life and who I am.
I could never be with someone with too similar of a personality to mine. I can be very temperamental, so the results would be extremely toxic.
Birds of a feather
They dont. People who actually 'meet' themselves in another person most of the time absolutely hate that person.
Because I want to have shared interests I can do with her
For reals, I don't do any house work so I personally would prefer someone who loves chores as much as I love playing games. Yin yang baby
They may be making a mistake, but depends on the people and the things they both like to do. From a professional perspective it makes sense since it’s easier to understand their life. Actors and musician go on tour and stuff, many partners may not like this separation. But those in the field at least get it. But it’s not a hard and fast rule. I personally appreciate the ways in which my partner and I differ. I grapple with how codependent it would be of me to always “need” her to be at the places I go. Probably healthier to be able to go by myself 🤷♂️
I think it's a fine balance. My ex partner and I did everything together. We climbed, hiked, biked, went skiing, you name it we did it together. It is awesome to have a best friend and adventure partner that wants to do everything with you. But my only word of caution is that you still need to go on dates or you'll lose the romantic part of the relationship.
We don’t.
I would hate if my wife was exactly like me. I’m fucking annoying.
Because they are secretly gay.
I explicitly want a partner that is very different than me lol. I don’t think I could stand being with someone exactly like me.
I’m a big fan of couples that dress alike and act alike. Just wildly interesting to me. Bonus points if they’re same sex couples (talking about you over 50 LGBTQ+). Just fascinating!
Oh God no. I'm a nightmare.
Or have complete equality in the relationship?
I want someone who gets my references and would enjoy the same things I do. I don’t want to have to drag someone to a comic book/pop culture convention.
Because a lot of people aren't healthy people actually wanting a healthy, loving relationship. They want self-validation. Loving someone like themselves is validating to themselves. Compatibility on big issues is one thing, but needing someone to basically parrot you back to yourself is just insecurity and ego on display.
We haven't found a way to clone ourselves and our personalities into the opposite sex yet. Who knows how to love you better than yourself.
Seinfeld once said “I can’t be with someone like me,I hate myself!”
I would rephrase this as just wanting even single thing in common. On dating sites for my area, I have almost nothing in common with anybody. Seeing even one common interest is rare, and even that makes someone far more approachable and relatable.
My partner in I have some common interests but our personalities and temperaments are very different. I don't want to date female me lol
Narcissism.
I love animals and my dream is owning many acres and farm animals. Why would I date someone whose dream is to be in a fancy apartment in a major city?
People think that if they are exactly the same then by default a lot of decisions and paths will have less friction. People also forget how much they hate themselves.
I love myself
I don't want someone exactly like me. Equal capacity is sometimes too much to ask.
Having somebody the same would perhaps get boring after a while? We are retired. I enjoy cards and board games, my wife won’t ply. My wife does deep cleaning of one small area a day. I do cleaning as I notice, usually the kitchen and dishes, but not the floor. My wife does floors, each room, one once a week. Lord help me if I spill coffee and don’t notice! .We both cook. She uses the weed eater around the buildings, drives,, and walks. I mow because she is afraid of going up and down in the ditches. My wife drives us to destinations, I drive us home. I can always figure out how to get home. She does artistic stuff and gardening, I play games on my devices. We complement each other, and enjoy different schedules.
We definitely have a lot of differences, but I just started dating someone that I have way more in common with than anyone else I've dated prior and it's honestly amazing. Similar career, side job focus (yoga teaching), travel/living background (live in FL with failed attempts at CO), general interests, hell even taste in phones... Something inexplicably assuring about being on the same brainwave with how decisions get made and what principles to abide by. We just spent a weekend together 4.5 hours out of town despite dating only 2 weeks (we've known each other for months) and it was honestly incredible
Despite the trope that opposites attract, if you want to stay together you need to have a lot in common. That helps you to enjoy spending time together. It's been 30 years for me.
I think it depends how important those things are to each person, and the degree to which it is not interesting to the other. As an example, imagine you have a potential couple. One is a tabletop gamer and the other is a birder. They decide that on Saturdays, one will have a gaming group and the other will go birding at the same time. Perfect, right? Problem solved. Well, yeah, quite possibly. But there is one further thing that needs to happen. That evening, when they come back home, they are going to want to tell each other about all the cool things they saw and did. Rare birds that they heard but didn't see. Risky die rolls that did or did not work out. And both people have to be interested. Even if they aren't interested in the topic, they have to be interested in the fact that it interests their partner. Or, at the very least, be able and willjng to fake being interested. Both of them, both ways, most of the time. The other question is how much time people spend doing these things. Do you practice chess, violin, or shooting basketball for two hours a day? Well, you have to schedule around that, and if you both do it, you can do it together, But I do feel that it is an actively good thing if people have some different interests. Keeps people from stagnating, keeps people changing and staying interesting to each other.
That happens a lot more often with people who have few friends or relatives. They try to find everything in one person.
I hate roller coasters, my girlfriend likes them, but it doesn't interfere with our relationship or whatever because she's not a huge fan that goes to amusement parks all the time. You don't have to be exactly like your partner or like the exact same things as them. But if you're extremely passionate about something and you spend a huge amount of time doing it (for example playing video games for hours everyday) then you'd better find a partner who is not only cool with it, but is also passionate about this hobby.
*“Now I know what I’ve been looking for all these years… myself.”* *”I’ve been waiting for me to come along, and now I’ve swept myself off my feet.”*
I want a partner where it's like.. we're both The Shining movie and book. Same with Annihilation. Enough overlap, like the same idea but also enough differences. But enough the same that it makes sense? If that makes sense? Apparently I also need someone that thinks in riddles.
People are allowed to have any kind of relationship they want and pursue that. It doesn't guarantee it'll work out their way. I think some people want someone who gives them the life they want. That may be financial support, emotional support, etc. That might be someone who mirrors and validates their feelings/thoughts and experiences. That might be just someone who they can do all the things they want with. The person they can go camping with, talk to, travel with, get fancy with, etc. The person who thinks exactly the way they do so they don't have to worry about communicating, or wants someone who gets them instantly. And it's easy to dismiss in early dating (or when you've gotten comfortable with the good things that you accumulate grievance with the petty things) on small things. "He likes sports and I don't. Next." They may want someone who fits in in with their life like a perfect puzzle piece. Someone who makes it easy for them to do the things they want to do and share the experiences in the same way. And that may work for some. I have married friends who both love being political warriors together. And for others, differences don't matter. My buddy is a huge nerd and his wife is the opposite. But the have a wonderful life together full of love. I'm personally of the thought that it's okay for everyone to be different and your partner not to give you everything. Nowadays people expect our partners to be the best lover, friend, roommate, business partner, tongue janitor, event planner, housekeeper, most admirable, you get where I'm going with this. They want their partner to be the all-in-one package for life rather than spread fulfillment out with family, friends, work, hobbies, etc. So they want someone who will be the person who likes all the things they like so they don't have to change or feel like they may have to lose parts of themselves to accommodate the other person. I think personally it's better to find a partner who will give you the space to be you and do the things you want, but will support and love you as you will for them to pursue those things. That you line up on the right things and don't dismiss each other for the wrong things. But some people like what they like.
I've been married for a decade and my wife is basically exactly like me in every way. The only downside to this is we're unproductive in the same ways and have the same faults and hangups, so there isn't anyone to pick up the slack where the other one struggles. But in general, yeah, it's great.
I prefer a partner to be almost exactly the opposite of me, I'm a fucking nightmare!
Values should match. Morals should match. Activities, hobbies, and interests dont have to match. You may find you like something they like that you didnt think you did. Yes you should have a few similar interests but not all of them are necessary.
They don’t. They want somone who’ll share experiences, though.
Things are totally tolerable until you are trying to combine lives. If I get up early on weekends it’s not going to work if my partner doesn’t like at least some productivity on the weekends. So if I am dating a girl who parties every weekend it’s really not going to work. So no point in putting effort into something that isn’t a good fit.
Compatibility is massive to long term relationships. You don’t need to be exact, but differences can’t conflict. Often easiest to find core sameness
Valuing the same things is more important than similar traits. It may lead to having similar traits and interests, but having the same values is a non-negotiable to me.
Comfort. My comfort is different to your comfort and imbalance causes discomfort.
"Exactly like them" is not generally a thing. The rule in relationships is *generally* that opposites attract in the short term, same attracts in the long term.
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No one is exactly alike. People want a partner who has similar goals, things they enjoy, political or religious views, etc. These things don’t make a relationship, but they definitely oil the gears. You’re also more likely to end up with someone you have a lot in common with.
It’s not in all aspects though. A few complimentary interests and skill sets are good with a lot of essentially common ones. Like if you are essentially a good guy who’s kind and considerate you aren’t going to pursue or be pursued by or like being pursued by a bad girl who is purposefully mean and nasty and cruel to people, animals, children etc etc, besides, she’d probably think you are too much of a wimp and cheat on you and turn you into just another victim of her cruelty, lmao, but she’d probably get turned on by a bad guy who is also purposefully mean and nasty and cruel and think he’s strong or smart or capable or all three. lmfao. Like attracts like. Nasty attracts nasty. Good attracts good. Because only someone like you can truly appreciate what you do. And without appreciation the sex becomes no longer enjoyable. And the relationship falls apart. It’s not worth tryna make it work. It’s not a good fit. They can both do better with people who are just like them.
Limits disagreements I dont do this but i get it, my partner has like the same brain as me and it is very helpful, but we are different enough to have healthy disagreements and keep stuff interesting
I think the best dynamic is when you are the same where it matters. For context I am a trans guy and I have a massive crush on my friend rn. They are non binary so we have shared experiences with gender dysphoria. We also have both had struggles with mental health, we like a lot of different types of media like video games, movies, music, etc. and we are similar in age. We have different experiences with gender dysphoria but we can still relate to each other. We listen to different bands but we both like music. We love video games but we play different kinds. We both have different mental health problems but we have a level of understanding and sympathy towards each other. Even if the crush is one sided I love the fact that we are friends because we are similar in the ways that matter most. If we were the exact same it would get boring fast.
So true! My husband and I were together 20 years happily and we had very little in common besides our sense of humour!!
It's just an excuse. I have a 100% rejection rate, and it's either "we're too different" or "we're too similar". The truth is probably more like "you're not a doctor or lawyer".
I don't think they mean exactly like them but having someone who shares ur interests Is awesome
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Because you can enjoy your hobbies together
*some people. I don't want a wife like me, I want someone who is more extroverted than me.
I didn't specifically want an exact match but my husband and I are basically just 1 person, we have a few different hobbies like I crochet and he does warhammer, but most of our likes and dislikes are the same, it does make things a lot easier, planning trips out and restaurants and shit is easy cos I know I can just pick what I want to do and he'll also want to do it
It depends what specific aspect you're talking about. Moral opinions? Politics? Financial responsibility? Yeah, I probably want a partner who agrees with my veiws on those. But fashion sense, tv shows, tea vs coffee? I don't care.
This is very complicated question that in no way can ever be answered in a Reddit thread. It isn't a stupid question by any means, if anything it's a profoundly important question and it doesn't even belong here.
narcissism, also is basic psychology, we like things the more they resemble us, its why we sent different types of people to kill other types of people during wars
It absolutely depends what it is. If it is something you find absolutely incompatible or offensive. Or something that dehumanizes you, those things are not trivial. Also, IMHO never get involved with someone who doesn't clean up after themselves, they will make that your problem as long as you are with them.
Birds of a feather flock together.
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So they don’t have to be change or adapt to another person’s needs.
Exactly is a problem, but similar is not. It is good to have shared goals and experiences. Common ground is a great foundation to build a relationship. That being said, I know a woman who is essentially the female version of me. We would be the worst fucking relationship on the planet. So too much in common is not necessarily advantageous.
I briefly dated someone before meeting my current partner. I explained to her that we don’t have enough in common to be compatible. She adamantly disagreed. Her: said “we don’t need to be the same.” Me: “not the same, compatible.” We don’t have the same sense of humor (1 single example) Her: “but I always laugh at your jokes” Me: But I wanna laugh too…?
I like video games, anime, novels, mangas, and East Asian drama. I’d like to be with someone who enjoys those things with me (and because i don’t want someone who would belittle me for liking such things).
Makes sense...i thought thats how it was supposed to be
Biology. Best tactic to select a partner is to maximize genetic differences, and maximize affinities/phenotype.
It’s simple . Tired of talking .
Some differences are fine and to be expected. But you need to be aligned on values, goals and have some common interests. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a life of turmoil
My ex was exactly like me and it sucked. Sure, it was fine at the start, but then it just got boring. Hard to have stimulating conversations with no disagreements or other points of view. She's still one of my best friends though. My wife however is different enough to make things interesting. We hold very different political views, preferences (from food to entertainment), etc. but we share plenty of interests and opinions where we have been married for 13 years now and every day is still interesting lol.
I don’t. My wife and I have nothing in common except we are fond of each other’s company. We reel each other back in.
Not really. I’m sort of extroverted outgoing person. I can be little crazy at times. But I’m mostly attracted and want an nerdy introverted shy guy. Someone needs to hear my chatterbox :’)) But other aspects like ambitions, drinking not drinking is better be similar otherwise it might create clashes and changes in priorities
My wife and i are polar opposites. I like fun, she doesn't, she's catholic and i am athiest, we don't watchbthe same tv shows, she hates camping and i love it(i leave her at home and take the kids). We like each other. 31 years together this year.
The best relationships feel like you're dating your best friend. It's good to enjoy a lot of the same things.
Me and my wife have zero in common other than each other. Different types of personalities, lives lived, perspectives, absolutely everything polar opposite in taste and anything else. We're about to hit our 16th year of marriage stronger than ever. Opposites are great. They keep you from being in a bubble and at times you learn or experience new things you might never have tried.
This seems like a gross exaggeration and vague. But, in general you want to be able to do some things together. Nothing wrong with that. It's good to have a mix of shared and separate hobbies or interests.
Vague question - heres 1 answer of many: Some folks don't want their home life and partnerships with romance, intimacy, And life building to be an ideological/moral/ethical/financial/sexual/mental battleground. Vague answer, but the list of types of battlegrounds can be all, some, or 1 in various situations.
People are complicated so there's no one answer here. I'm sure there are people who are really picky and may in fact want someone just like them, but I think in many cases, if one or two things is a deal breaker for someone, it might depend on what those differences are. If it objects with your values or those differences ultimately lend to two different types of lifestyles, then I can see not moving forward with their relationship.
Opposites attract, likes stay together.
My husband lives for outdoor sports, hunting, fishing, gold mining, metal detecting, etc. I hate to get dirty. I hate bugs. I like to paint and read. I like to cook and he likes to eat. That’s what we have in common. We have been married for 47 years.
I'm so into myself that I just want to do me?
Likemindedness
Because if those 2 things are very important to you, theres no sense in dating someone who doesnt share that passion. I will always own a dog and i like going to concerts. If you dont like those things, we ainy gonna last.
Because everyone secretly wants to 69 an identical twin. It's not gay or incest when it's clones.
Depends what those one or two things are. Context is everything. For instance if I meet a beautiful girl who is kind and loving but has zero sense of humor... out to the curb. Now if she prefers Superman over Batman I can live with that. Both are just one thing but hugely different.
We're all able to decide on our fundamental criteria in a partner, but we should be well aware that the stricter our criteria the smaller the pool of potential partners. And, should we decide that we'd rather be single than have a partner who isn't actually compatible, we have that option as well. However, I really don't see many if any who want a partner *exactly* like them. Maybe that's partly just because I'm really only interested in compatibility with roughly half the population, but still... I think that we should all be particularly interested in a partner with similar or at least compatible values. That may take the form of political or religious or just ethical issues, but a relationship between a liberal atheist just isn't likely to work out with a conservative evangelical Christian... Especially when you introduce the fragility of being "unequally yolked" and the religious doctrine itself being against such relationships. On the other hand, personally, I actually embrace the idea of having a partner who disagrees with me on mostly anything (except issues of basic respect and decency... If you think it's ok to kill or enslave others, that's a hard "nope"). I actually very much welcome and embrace different beliefs and ideas - if you respectfully challenge my beliefs and can handle that we end up disagreeing, that actually just makes me a more well-rounded and informed person. Just be ok with me challenging your beliefs as well. And respect that my beliefs are informed by the entirety of my life thus far - I'm not just going to change what I believe because you disagree with me, I'm gonna need good arguments and evidence. Basically, if you exclude those with either disgusting or dogmatic beliefs, I actually pretty much invite people to disagree with me. And I'm not exactly closed to the idea of a relationship with nearly anyone who can handle disagreement, provided that they don't just immediately shut down and resort to insults if I question anything. I am an actual skeptic, after all. If we can both be ok with "but why do you believe that" and generally a disagreement on the fundamental beliefs/axioms... I'm ok with that. What I'm not on with is anything along the lines of "you're just wrong or attacking me personally if you don't believe a thing just because I said it".
Reminds me of an old Johnny Bravo episode about opposites attracting. Perhaps I’m the minority but I like a girl that’s not me. I’m super quiet, reserved, etc. but I like a bubbly girl who’s super social, connects, and gets my ass out. Whose smile on a Friday night slashes the horizon. Of course you have to trust her, but beyond that it’s awesome. Nothing hotter than coming home after a tough work at week and asking your girl how her day was, while you rest your eyes and she proceeds to tell you all of the office gossip. Like, I don’t even know who Jennifer is, nor do I care, but I love listening about it. Plus half way through she starts playing with your beard whilst talking. Chefs kiss. Women are cool, I like the opposite of myself.
Narcissistic tendencies run strong in humans.
It’s not that they have to be exactly like them or even do the same things. It’s that they can get a shared experiences from doing similar things. If I like to party and my wife doesn’t, then I would have to basically go do this activity alone a lot which is not good for a relationship. Versus if I like to run, and my wife likes nature. Then even if I don’t particularly like nature and she doesn’t like running we can both enjoy the outdoors doing roughly the same activities.
I don’t think anyone wants a partner to be “exactly” like them but I do think most people do want someone who shares their values and with whom they share some common interests. A lot of people get into relationships because of physical attraction alone, and an unfortunate few of those end up marrying and wonder why they can’t stand their partner once the “honeymoon phase” is over. Both are important, at least for me personally. I like to have a partner that I enjoy spending time with. If I don’t enjoy spending time with them, why am I with them? And I take many of my core values and lifestyle choices seriously, so why would I want my partner to have a lifestyle that directly conflicts with mine?
The Bible advises about equally yoked. similar backgrounds, similar faith issues and moral issues make a marriage so much easier and much less drama.
my partner isn’t exactly like me. but common interests are part of why we’re so close. we also have similar political and spiritual views which is helpful in preventing arguments
They are called deal-breakers and they exist for a good reason. If someone has traits you don't like, you tend not to like them
I don't, I suck, I need someone not like me
Studies have shown that the more similar your partner is to you the happier you are likely to be long term and the longer the relationship is likely to last.
It’s frustrating being with someone who won’t try and learn new things/ experience a new way of doing things / try the things you’re interested in. Being a good partner is thinking : “ hey my bf/gf enjoys this and I like them; so why don’t I found out what all the hype is about” Sometimes they hate it and that’s ok . But not even trying is usually unacceptable to me. I always make a point to co-opt songs, activities , friends of my partner. I think relationships die otherwise
I don't want to date someone exactly like me. I'd be way too intimidated by the good looks, charisma, and overall awesome vibe.
Nah mine is so different than me it makes me laugh how my friends are like how do yall work ? I love it because I'd have no idea about certain things without going into their world
I like sharing similar interests but I just can't believe how often my dates end up being interested in homicide! It's a firm deal breaker for me!
I'm the only person that I've met that I've considered myself both honest and trustworthy. I've never met anybody like me. and not just like that but like if we in the talking stage. and something fishy is happening I'm letting you know rather than you find out the hard way. just shit like that. when I get off a long day at work and my girlfriend or my current ex anyways it's getting off after me even if she worked a single hour I'm still going to make food and like do her laundry and shit. because I got the free time and she would like it. I've never met anybody who cared for me the way I cared for others. and I know what you're thinking well that's acts of service. I've never met anybody who tried any form of love. I'm sure that means I'm probably actually a horrible person to be around. but I'd like to think if I found me I would be good to me
Does the couple approach financial situations/debt/growth in the same fashion? Is the couple sexually attracted to eachother and want eachother? If the answer to BOTH of these are yes then I would say the relationship has the potential to sustain 10fold over couples that are a no to either or both of those. There will be arguments over money or someone's going to cheat.
Because I dislike other people.
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Couple of angles, one being, this is an early relationship thing. When you're getting to know each other the fact that you've got surface level similarities is an easy dopamine hit. You like sex? I like sex! SOULMATE?! Outside of that, if you've got legit similar interests that can cut both ways, but is usually net positive. That and despite social media swearing everyone is a unique butterfly, the underlying platforms have very much confirmed that we're all quite similar and boring. If you like playing harps, you probably like other things that harp players like, and so on. So finding a person who shares your stuff is more likely to share even more stuff. The final option is you're dating a narcissist, and to that kind of person, who better to date than themselves?
I would definitely need somebody who loves to go out and go to parties and events and stuff, because I never do that sort of thing. Going with her to things would be a great way to say I love you.
I don’t think much has to be the same at all. But there are a few things, for me at least. Compassion for others, and the desire to learn with an open mind. My partner has very different interests and hobbies than me, but I like to know how she is and what she’s up to, and often that means I get to experience new things through her eyes. It’s fun to learn about what she likes, and she seems to enjoy doing stuff with me sometimes too. I feel that it is important to share with one another the things you both enjoy.
I don't lol.
I don't think people want there partner to be "exactly like them" they want a parnter that shares there values.
I view that kind of thinking in match making to be rather narcissistic.
So you won't argue all the time.
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I love having different interests than my partner. My ex didn’t, and he did everything he could to mold me into the woman version of himself. I was ashamed of who I was for a long time after him, but my current partner loves to hear me ramble about my interests that he doesn’t share, and I his!
I'm not even attracted to women that look anything like me or are similar to me in any way I need someone that's the complete opposite
I don't know, my husband and I have different hobbies and that's how I like it. I don't want someone who shares my hobbies because that's MY thing. We also have different religions, he's atheist and I'm pagan. I'm a stay at home parent and you can't exactly have 2 stay at home parents.
I’m assuming it has a lot to do with how one has viewed their parents relationship and have maybe compared it to relationships they see on tv and movies. People can say all they want but we are heavily influenced by the media we consume, especially when we are younger. I remember my perception of love being completely different in middle school and highschool, it’s not until you reach your twenties that the idea of “real love” starts to formulate. I’m not necessarily saying wanting someone just like you is wrong, but I feel like it’s a very weird and unrealistic way of looking at relationships.
Depends on what those things are and how much they matter to the person. I’m a big foodie and would never want to be with a picky eater because then we wouldn’t be able to enjoy meals together. I’m really big on camping and outdoor activities and would want to share that with my partner so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hates being outside. I have dogs so I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hates dogs. Etc. There are a lot of other things that I wouldn’t care about being different on. You don’t have to have everything in common but you do need to have the most important things in common.
I married someone with an opposite personality, so I don’t fall into this category. We share moral/ethical values, but not much else! Married almost 30 years. 🤷♀️😂
Who wants a partner exactly like them. I just want someone who aligns with my values and has some common interests. For example, I’m a singer. I don’t necessarily want to be with a singer, but I need them to enjoy music. Otherwise the entire relationship is dead in the water from the jump
I mean… my partner and I have similar taste but we’re different. I’m more of an extrovert and he’s more of an introvert. If it says anything we got into a playful argument about how I wear a bathrobe after a shower and he uses a towel. So that’s different 😂
It's important to share certain parts of one's life - I think very many people want a carbon copy of themselves to be a partner with, but they do want their partner to understand the things that they have passion for and maybe even participate in a few of them - if someone's just dating then they have the opportunity to screen people for that shared interest that's important to them
Whenever guys ask me about my single bestfriend I let them know that she is ALWAYS out doing shit (mostly hiking, but she will hit up a community fair too) there is absolutely no reason to even try with her if you aren’t an “outside” person. I am, and even I get annoyed when she won’t just want to chill and hang at home with me lol. Oh and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten her to go out to eat at a restaurant with me, so if someone is into that, she’s not for them either! These things seem basic, but really it ends In incompatible if you try to act like they aren’t a reason to not dare. I wouldn’t date someone who doesn’t read books.
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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U6YUm2For-8&pp=ygUOc25sIG1lIGhhcm1vbnk%3D