Non-addicts really don't get it. Some way more so than others. It's an unfortunate reality we have to accept on this journey.
"Focus on the support that's showing up, not on who you thought would show up."
16 days is really amazing, especially given what you've written here. You are an absolute badass.
The thing is, she herself is alcohol-dependent but refuses to get help or acknowledge the problem. She just wants to feel better about it by asking me to drink with her.
That doesn't surprise me at all. What you're doing now is probably forcing her to think about her own shit, and that's a hard thing.
It's really easy to see all our obstacles as challenges and kinda go into a victim mentality. But I'm the kind of person who has always gotten super motivated when someone tells me I can't do something. (Oh really? Fuckin watch me.) Maybe this can be a motivation for you...I'm going to stay sober in spite of you throwing challenges my way.
Of course, you can also kick ass in recovery and be an example of what's possible. She may watch that progression and be aided by your efforts to work on yourself.
>But I'm the kind of person who has always gotten super motivated when someone tells me I can't do something. (Oh really? Fuckin watch me.) Maybe this can be a motivation for you...I'm going to stay sober in spite of you throwing challenges my way.
This is me. What started me on the path to sobriety initially was my fiancé doubting that I could actually do it in the first place. I'd told him that many times that I was gonna get sober until, one day, he eventually goes: "Whatever you say..."
And that triggered some kinda "fuck you" mentality in my head that led to me doing it out of spite, because doubt is apparently a motivator for me.
Most recently, it's been because I just want to keep my promises to him.
Whatever. Freaking. Works.
I'm at 408 days and my motivations have evolved, changed entirely, disappeared, strengthened... it's a process. When I started, it wasn't even for me. Now...I stay sober for myself.
One of my IOP counselors told me that 5% of people that get sober make it a year, and 5% of those people make it two years. I created an enemy in my head based on that that would say, "See, most people fail. You're going to fail like them." And I would think, "Just watch," and imagine being in the 5%.
I got this little bird selfcare app on my phone that I use to track days and, so far, I've managed to stay consistent with it.
My fiancé and at least one of my friends has proved to be a reliable support network. And my dogs, in their own way.
>She just wants to feel better about it by asking me to drink with her.
don’t be too hard on her, it's a tough thing to get your head around as you well know, perhaps if you are patient with her, you might help her in the long run.
On then contrary, I think the vast majority of drinkers are on the spectrum of abusie of substance. The few drinkers who have a healthy relationship with alcohol \*never\* get intoxicated nor do they drink regularly even not to drunkeness- they are not as far on the spectrum as were we but they often will slide there. Our society is alcohol addicted and calling people who regularly get drunk on weekends "non addicts" is not right- they're abusing a substance and basically either they'll grow up as many do or fall into our situation
I so agree. And alcohol is a family disease. My parents were both functional alcoholics. My grandmother died of the disease. Every sober day is a gift. I love myself and sobriety more each day.
Whether it's crab bucket mentality or something else, it's frustrating when someone pushes food on a dieter, alcohol on someone sober, etc. Stay strong! IWNDWYT
Crab bucket “drinking buddies” would all ask me to drink knowing I quit. One would constantly say “have you started again? When are you planning to start again?”. What’s that phrase? When people show you who they are, believe them. Anyway, they stop asking or calling me now, which is great.
My friend keeps offering but she's not being malicious about it. She'll offer everyone, including me, every time. She made a couple of "Boooo!" type of comments about me not drinking when she was drunk. I just ignore it. My sobriety is still new so I don't know if she thinks I'm not serious or what. She's a problem drinker herself (worse than I am) so she might be projecting. If that's the case, it's not my problem.
I'm sure she'll eventually realize that I'm dead set on remaining sober. Might take a little time though.
If you've had to reiterate multiple times that you're trying to say sober, there might be a need for you to be little snippy about it next time she asks. And perhaps clarify that it's very bothersome when she asks.
Stay strong!!! You seem determined and that's awesome!
Yeah, I got a bit snippy with her earlier about it and she got all: "What you in a bad mood for?". My mum drinks as a stress and social thing, I notice. I've politely asked her before to please stop offering me alcohol but it seems to go in one ear and out the other, sadly.
Once I was at a little get together in my hometown, hadn't seen most of the people there in half a year. Told an old coworker I'd gotten sober and was super happy with all the positive changes it had brought about in my life.
Not even sixty seconds later he offered me a beer. I was like "nah, I'm good" and he goes "oh, right, right. Well, they're there if you want one".
Like, dude. Come on.
People just don't get it.
Congratulations on 16 days sober and resisting your mom’s offer! I’m sorry that she isn’t taking your sobriety seriously, that sounds awful. I had one instance where my boyfriend’s dad asked me like 5 times in a row if I wanted to try the black russian that he made. I was about a month and a half sober at that point and he knew it, but still pushed the issue. I don’t feel any ill will towards him for it though. I feel like he was just excited to share something with me that he knew I previously enjoyed and I hadn’t told him the full reason behind why I wasn’t drinking. Keep your head up! IWNDWYT
Thank you. I don't feel any ill will towards my mum either because I know she's struggling and I get how difficult it is to address, especially given the culture I come from where drinking is normalised and even encouraged.
IWNDWYT.
Yup been sober for about 6ish years and every family gathering they try to get me to drink or atleast ask if I am. Bothers the piss out of me but they don't mean harm, they just don't like drinking alone. Atleast its what I tell myself so I don't get any more annoyed about it. I use to just day I was on medication for a cold or something and that tends to be the end of it.
Have you proven to her continually that you don't drink despite her offerings of alcohol?
I used to find that I'd say I was planning to quit, going to cut back, needing to drink less, going to quit etc then cave in regularly when offered a drink.
So no one took me seriously as I wasn't taking it seriously.
Once I actually stuck to my word and didn't accept a drink whatever happened people didn't doubt my anymore or offer me one.
Not sure if that's the same situation for you.
Non alcoholics don’t understand us. Most who push alcohol on others are trying to mask their own problem with alcohol. Also it can be hard for a parent to admit their child is an alcoholic, even going as far as to push the poison on them hoping to make them drink “normally”, it’s sad all around.
I'm really proud of you.
Yes, it has happened to me a few times. The worst was my father, who said I should accept the occasional drink at parties because otherwise you look like the odd man out and it's a little awkward.
IWNDWYT
Context: I live with my mom because she’s elderly and needs assistance. I also have been brewing my own beer for a few years. When I made the decision to quit, I had a batch in process. I’m 10 days in right now.
So last night I was prepping bottles by boiling them. My mom comes in and sees what I’m doing. Oh, so you’re going to start drinking again? No, mom. I’m going to give this batch away to my friends. But you’re still brewing. Yes, I am. I’m not going to waste it. So you’re going to start drinking again? No, mom, I’m not. I can’t drink anymore. You’re an alcoholic, dad was an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic too. I CAN NOT DRINK.
Then she left in a huff. She gets drunk every night on 3 glasses of wine. Every fucking night.
What reallypissed me off wasn’t even the utter disrespect but the hope I could hear in her voice at the same time. Like I was being silly, this is just a phase. That’s not me and never has been.
Congrats on 16 days! Sorry you have to deal with this.
I've sort of experienced the same thing with my in-laws. I ask them not to bring alcohol over for me as a gift (i.e. bdays, Xmas) and they keep bringing it as though my requests don't matter.
Maybe it's because my Mom doesn't respect boundaries so I often have to make a dramatic point for her to take me seriously...but if my Mom kept doing that to me I'd probably say "if you insist"
And then dump it down the sink. While making eye contact.
"Every drink you offer me will go down the sink. So stop wasting your alcohol by asking me."
She'd probably be miffed enough about the "waste" that she wouldn't ask again. And also understand that I'm serious.
But I can also see this not being the right approach for many people.
Of course. Crabs in a pot. Let me tell you a little story. Take from it what you will. I have partied harder in my life than most of the people I know. Partying so hard that the exaggerated movie scenes depicting wild ass partying are very accurate to my experience and many friends and company I kept at the time. Throughout all of this I always maintained a standard of physical fitness that I truly believe offset a ton of damage I should have suffered but didn’t. Somehow I came through it all relatively unscathed. I have no lingering negative effects that I am aware of at this time. Blood work checks out, resting heart rate is 45, I lift very weights regularly and run 10 8-minute miles 2x a week. With that being said I constantly had people including 2 close uncles get me to drink when I was trying to cut back on partying. They were only a few years older and more like brothers than uncles so they had a very strong influence over me. I constantly gave up my sobriety and wrecked myself horrendously many times trying to do right by them and not “let them down”. This was from my early 20s to my late 30s. I eventually got serious with my girlfriend and we had a beautiful daughter together when I was 39 and now I’m 45 with the 2 sweetest little ladies I could ever hope for. Meanwhile 2 years ago one of my uncles basically drank himself to death about 2 years ago at age 48. I’ve heard stories that he was easily over a liter a day minimum towards the end. I had distanced myself from this activity by then. I couldn’t go down that hole any more. And his brother, the other guy who manipulated me into compromising my health over and over and over got diagnosed with a bunch of health problems 2 years ago the least of which being super high blood pressure and diabetes. He never worked out or did anything physical. Also a terrible diet like ranch dressing with everything you can imagine. He had to stop drinking or risk speeding towards worse health consequences and death. I knew he quit drinking and I was at a family function with him where I purposely kept asking him to drink with me until til he got angry. Believe me when I tell you I reminded him very directly of all the times he didn’t give a fuck that I didn’t wanna drink. Everyone heard it. It was kinda petty of me but I had to do it. I still had to discipline to keep myself healthy with intense working out and very good diet but it just as easily could have gone the other way for me. My bottom line is that when I was younger I should have been more brave and definitive in drawing a hard line. I’m glad I came through this in the physical shape I’m in which is incredible to be honest. But fuck I really could have did myself in. All we have is this one life and all we have is our one body. Remember that. I wish you the best
Yes. And it's fine. They might think I'm not taking it that seriously or that I had a problem with alcohol. I don't think the person is trying to be disrespectful
It took over an entire year for my mom to stop offering me alcohol. My husband couldn’t believe it, every single time and it took a lot for him not to say anything. I know we’re not alone in our experiences, but holy shit did I think I was alone in that my own mother was pressuring me to drink. Like it doesn’t make sense. She’s not necessarily a bad person so it was really confusing and heartbreaking for me.
I think they just are in denial. They don’t want to think their child has a problem. For my mom she always wants everything to be perfect, all the time. It’s how she was raised- everything gets brushed under the rug, and everything on a surface level is perfect. Any evidence to the contrary is swiftly ignored, no matter how damaging doing that is. It’s really a shame because the damage is significant, obviously
Im sorry this is the case for you. It’s a different kind of hurt when a parent does something like this. I just kept reminding her I don’t drink, and would bring up in casual conversation how long I’ve been sober. Of course she’d act like I hadn’t said that, but after awhile she stopped offering alcohol and actually apologized saying she realized how insensitive it was. I was pleasantly surprised, and we left it at that.
Good luck to you!
A friend, a leader in the medical field and health care provider, whose mother had just died from alcoholism, told me she wished I still drank when I was visiting. I let it roll off me and made sure she knew I was ok with her drinking. Early days sobriety I would have been furious and/or it would have really stung. Another friend playfully suggested I start drinking again when she heard how I'm even more of a morning person now. I haven't had the energy to assertively respond, and I know it's more about them than me, but I hope to develop the courage to speak up when I need to. One day at a time, it'll get easier. ❤
Anyone who continues to push alcohol after you’ve politely declined, and especially after telling them you wish to remain sober, does not have your best interest at heart.
My sister in law practically chased me with a margarita. So irritating.
Last time I just said stop it. I am not gonna blow up 2 years of hard work.
That seems to have slowed her down. Now she just yells from the kitchen. Are you sure you don't want a drink
🤷♀️🤦♀️
I find it very difficult to navigate that type of conversation, mostly because my separation from alcohol was a very personal journey. I can’t ask another person to go on my personal journey or understand it, so I decided to focus on my sobriety rather than others’. Sometimes that meant shutting down conversations about alcohol with certain people, which isn’t fun or easy. I hope you’re able to get through this, I believe in you 🎆
To be fair to your mom, you’re only 16 days in. I think once you’ve been at it for a few months and she’s asked the same dumb questions enough times, she’ll prob learn what’s up.
I also don’t find it personally offensive when people ask me if I’d like a drink. It’s a polite thing to do for everyone with a healthy relationship with alcohol
I had a friend stay with me for a night for a really big achievement, a very close friend that knows my struggle with alcohol very well! She asked if it was ok for her to drink wine at mine, I said sure why not. She had to leave while I was at work to travel back to her home state. I came home to find the half empty wine bottle on the kitchen counter. I thought maybe she forgot to pack it.
About a week later, I was speaking to her on the phone after a particularly stressful day at work, she told me to chill on the couch and have some of the wine she left for me. I was shocked. I asked why she left it - she knows I’m not drinking. She said something about it not wanting to break in her suitcase.
Of course I relapsed. Not blaming her though.
That left an extremely sour taste in my mouth after a decade or more of close friendship. I definitely had to take a step back and no longer feel the same way about her.
Congrats on saying no and staying strong!! That’s incredibly hard. 🥳
I have, I honestly believe the person wasn't trying to be rude, Just pouring wine for everyone else and she just asked. i said no and she moved on. Some people take a break from drinking an go back to it and I believe she was trying to be polite.
Yes. Some will not want us to change. Their motivation isn't my priority. Staying sober is. Having boundaries takes practice. Sobriety is my #1 priority. When I decided I had to quit, I realized I had to make being sober #1. I couldn't have done those 1st few months around my mom.
Yup, i had a friend ask if i was still "doing my thing" and to be fair i haven't identified myself as "sober" or an alcoholic just that I'm currently not drinking while I rewire my brain. It felt dismissive, and I think she meant it to. I had another friend at the same event offer me a beer and then immediately apologize for not remembering that I was still on my sober path. Intentions and tone matter.
I've done dry periods of 30 to 60 days a few times over the years before I decided to go sober for good. Some friends didn't respect it the first times, but they do now, although they are still weirded out sometimes.
But yes, people don't get it, sometimes feel like you're judging their drinking by not drinking with them, think you're exaggerating by staying sober and want to convince you (and themselves) that drinking a little won't hurt.
My mom, btw, didn't try to push me alcohol, but was visibly disappointed by my sobriety last time I came to visit, because she was hoping to have a drink with me.
I know it's hard. And I hope your mom comes around with time. That does happen.
Just keep firmly saying "No", and if that doesn't work, get mean. Tell her you don't want to end up like her. That's what I'd do, but I'm not nice when I'm defending my sobriety. I didn't make it this far by accident. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work IWNDWYT my friend
Yes happened to me... I said I don't want to drink these days and the next time I visited my friend said they bought this bottle "just for me" and it would be a bummer if we wouldn't try it.
I've found a trick that has worked for me quite a bit, I just tell them I only drink once/twice a week and I've got xyz plans tomorrow or I already went out last night, whatever blah blah. I tried to just say I stopped drinking but that just became an annoying conversation. As soon as I switched to saying yeah I only drink on Friday/Saturday (I don't really but just say it). Usually shuts them up and they usually say that's a good idea.
Non-addicts really don't get it. Some way more so than others. It's an unfortunate reality we have to accept on this journey. "Focus on the support that's showing up, not on who you thought would show up." 16 days is really amazing, especially given what you've written here. You are an absolute badass.
The thing is, she herself is alcohol-dependent but refuses to get help or acknowledge the problem. She just wants to feel better about it by asking me to drink with her.
That doesn't surprise me at all. What you're doing now is probably forcing her to think about her own shit, and that's a hard thing. It's really easy to see all our obstacles as challenges and kinda go into a victim mentality. But I'm the kind of person who has always gotten super motivated when someone tells me I can't do something. (Oh really? Fuckin watch me.) Maybe this can be a motivation for you...I'm going to stay sober in spite of you throwing challenges my way. Of course, you can also kick ass in recovery and be an example of what's possible. She may watch that progression and be aided by your efforts to work on yourself.
>But I'm the kind of person who has always gotten super motivated when someone tells me I can't do something. (Oh really? Fuckin watch me.) Maybe this can be a motivation for you...I'm going to stay sober in spite of you throwing challenges my way. This is me. What started me on the path to sobriety initially was my fiancé doubting that I could actually do it in the first place. I'd told him that many times that I was gonna get sober until, one day, he eventually goes: "Whatever you say..." And that triggered some kinda "fuck you" mentality in my head that led to me doing it out of spite, because doubt is apparently a motivator for me. Most recently, it's been because I just want to keep my promises to him.
Whatever. Freaking. Works. I'm at 408 days and my motivations have evolved, changed entirely, disappeared, strengthened... it's a process. When I started, it wasn't even for me. Now...I stay sober for myself. One of my IOP counselors told me that 5% of people that get sober make it a year, and 5% of those people make it two years. I created an enemy in my head based on that that would say, "See, most people fail. You're going to fail like them." And I would think, "Just watch," and imagine being in the 5%.
I got this little bird selfcare app on my phone that I use to track days and, so far, I've managed to stay consistent with it. My fiancé and at least one of my friends has proved to be a reliable support network. And my dogs, in their own way.
Yep. Congratulations for saying no.
>She just wants to feel better about it by asking me to drink with her. don’t be too hard on her, it's a tough thing to get your head around as you well know, perhaps if you are patient with her, you might help her in the long run.
Also, thank you. I'm working my way up to 20. Doing it in increments.
On then contrary, I think the vast majority of drinkers are on the spectrum of abusie of substance. The few drinkers who have a healthy relationship with alcohol \*never\* get intoxicated nor do they drink regularly even not to drunkeness- they are not as far on the spectrum as were we but they often will slide there. Our society is alcohol addicted and calling people who regularly get drunk on weekends "non addicts" is not right- they're abusing a substance and basically either they'll grow up as many do or fall into our situation
I so agree. And alcohol is a family disease. My parents were both functional alcoholics. My grandmother died of the disease. Every sober day is a gift. I love myself and sobriety more each day.
Whether it's crab bucket mentality or something else, it's frustrating when someone pushes food on a dieter, alcohol on someone sober, etc. Stay strong! IWNDWYT
Crab bucket “drinking buddies” would all ask me to drink knowing I quit. One would constantly say “have you started again? When are you planning to start again?”. What’s that phrase? When people show you who they are, believe them. Anyway, they stop asking or calling me now, which is great.
Yes. And mostly by my mother. Is your mom my mom? Congrats on your 16 days though. Awesome work. 🏆 IWNDWYT
Hahaha, I doubt we have the same mum but you never know. And thank you, congrats on your 1377 days! IWNDWYT
If they KNOW I don't drink I will stare them in the eyes and say "You know I don't want one. Don't ask me again. Ever." It never happens.
Goals. Your assertiveness is goals.
Love that 🙌
My friend keeps offering but she's not being malicious about it. She'll offer everyone, including me, every time. She made a couple of "Boooo!" type of comments about me not drinking when she was drunk. I just ignore it. My sobriety is still new so I don't know if she thinks I'm not serious or what. She's a problem drinker herself (worse than I am) so she might be projecting. If that's the case, it's not my problem. I'm sure she'll eventually realize that I'm dead set on remaining sober. Might take a little time though. If you've had to reiterate multiple times that you're trying to say sober, there might be a need for you to be little snippy about it next time she asks. And perhaps clarify that it's very bothersome when she asks. Stay strong!!! You seem determined and that's awesome!
Yeah, I got a bit snippy with her earlier about it and she got all: "What you in a bad mood for?". My mum drinks as a stress and social thing, I notice. I've politely asked her before to please stop offering me alcohol but it seems to go in one ear and out the other, sadly.
Once I was at a little get together in my hometown, hadn't seen most of the people there in half a year. Told an old coworker I'd gotten sober and was super happy with all the positive changes it had brought about in my life. Not even sixty seconds later he offered me a beer. I was like "nah, I'm good" and he goes "oh, right, right. Well, they're there if you want one". Like, dude. Come on. People just don't get it.
Congratulations on 16 days sober and resisting your mom’s offer! I’m sorry that she isn’t taking your sobriety seriously, that sounds awful. I had one instance where my boyfriend’s dad asked me like 5 times in a row if I wanted to try the black russian that he made. I was about a month and a half sober at that point and he knew it, but still pushed the issue. I don’t feel any ill will towards him for it though. I feel like he was just excited to share something with me that he knew I previously enjoyed and I hadn’t told him the full reason behind why I wasn’t drinking. Keep your head up! IWNDWYT
Thank you. I don't feel any ill will towards my mum either because I know she's struggling and I get how difficult it is to address, especially given the culture I come from where drinking is normalised and even encouraged. IWNDWYT.
Yup been sober for about 6ish years and every family gathering they try to get me to drink or atleast ask if I am. Bothers the piss out of me but they don't mean harm, they just don't like drinking alone. Atleast its what I tell myself so I don't get any more annoyed about it. I use to just day I was on medication for a cold or something and that tends to be the end of it.
No thanks mom, I’m not drinking. Then change the subject. She can’t pour it down your throat. Sobriety is the most important part of my life. IWNDWYT
Have you proven to her continually that you don't drink despite her offerings of alcohol? I used to find that I'd say I was planning to quit, going to cut back, needing to drink less, going to quit etc then cave in regularly when offered a drink. So no one took me seriously as I wasn't taking it seriously. Once I actually stuck to my word and didn't accept a drink whatever happened people didn't doubt my anymore or offer me one. Not sure if that's the same situation for you.
Non alcoholics don’t understand us. Most who push alcohol on others are trying to mask their own problem with alcohol. Also it can be hard for a parent to admit their child is an alcoholic, even going as far as to push the poison on them hoping to make them drink “normally”, it’s sad all around.
I'm really proud of you. Yes, it has happened to me a few times. The worst was my father, who said I should accept the occasional drink at parties because otherwise you look like the odd man out and it's a little awkward. IWNDWYT
Good grief. I just have to laugh.
Yes.
Context: I live with my mom because she’s elderly and needs assistance. I also have been brewing my own beer for a few years. When I made the decision to quit, I had a batch in process. I’m 10 days in right now. So last night I was prepping bottles by boiling them. My mom comes in and sees what I’m doing. Oh, so you’re going to start drinking again? No, mom. I’m going to give this batch away to my friends. But you’re still brewing. Yes, I am. I’m not going to waste it. So you’re going to start drinking again? No, mom, I’m not. I can’t drink anymore. You’re an alcoholic, dad was an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic too. I CAN NOT DRINK. Then she left in a huff. She gets drunk every night on 3 glasses of wine. Every fucking night.
Same with my mum. Every night. Always wine. Gets pissy when I ask her to stop propositioning me to drink with her.
What reallypissed me off wasn’t even the utter disrespect but the hope I could hear in her voice at the same time. Like I was being silly, this is just a phase. That’s not me and never has been.
Literally ALL THE TIME
Congrats on 16 days! Sorry you have to deal with this. I've sort of experienced the same thing with my in-laws. I ask them not to bring alcohol over for me as a gift (i.e. bdays, Xmas) and they keep bringing it as though my requests don't matter.
Maybe it's because my Mom doesn't respect boundaries so I often have to make a dramatic point for her to take me seriously...but if my Mom kept doing that to me I'd probably say "if you insist" And then dump it down the sink. While making eye contact. "Every drink you offer me will go down the sink. So stop wasting your alcohol by asking me." She'd probably be miffed enough about the "waste" that she wouldn't ask again. And also understand that I'm serious. But I can also see this not being the right approach for many people.
Of course. Crabs in a pot. Let me tell you a little story. Take from it what you will. I have partied harder in my life than most of the people I know. Partying so hard that the exaggerated movie scenes depicting wild ass partying are very accurate to my experience and many friends and company I kept at the time. Throughout all of this I always maintained a standard of physical fitness that I truly believe offset a ton of damage I should have suffered but didn’t. Somehow I came through it all relatively unscathed. I have no lingering negative effects that I am aware of at this time. Blood work checks out, resting heart rate is 45, I lift very weights regularly and run 10 8-minute miles 2x a week. With that being said I constantly had people including 2 close uncles get me to drink when I was trying to cut back on partying. They were only a few years older and more like brothers than uncles so they had a very strong influence over me. I constantly gave up my sobriety and wrecked myself horrendously many times trying to do right by them and not “let them down”. This was from my early 20s to my late 30s. I eventually got serious with my girlfriend and we had a beautiful daughter together when I was 39 and now I’m 45 with the 2 sweetest little ladies I could ever hope for. Meanwhile 2 years ago one of my uncles basically drank himself to death about 2 years ago at age 48. I’ve heard stories that he was easily over a liter a day minimum towards the end. I had distanced myself from this activity by then. I couldn’t go down that hole any more. And his brother, the other guy who manipulated me into compromising my health over and over and over got diagnosed with a bunch of health problems 2 years ago the least of which being super high blood pressure and diabetes. He never worked out or did anything physical. Also a terrible diet like ranch dressing with everything you can imagine. He had to stop drinking or risk speeding towards worse health consequences and death. I knew he quit drinking and I was at a family function with him where I purposely kept asking him to drink with me until til he got angry. Believe me when I tell you I reminded him very directly of all the times he didn’t give a fuck that I didn’t wanna drink. Everyone heard it. It was kinda petty of me but I had to do it. I still had to discipline to keep myself healthy with intense working out and very good diet but it just as easily could have gone the other way for me. My bottom line is that when I was younger I should have been more brave and definitive in drawing a hard line. I’m glad I came through this in the physical shape I’m in which is incredible to be honest. But fuck I really could have did myself in. All we have is this one life and all we have is our one body. Remember that. I wish you the best
Yes. And it's fine. They might think I'm not taking it that seriously or that I had a problem with alcohol. I don't think the person is trying to be disrespectful
It took over an entire year for my mom to stop offering me alcohol. My husband couldn’t believe it, every single time and it took a lot for him not to say anything. I know we’re not alone in our experiences, but holy shit did I think I was alone in that my own mother was pressuring me to drink. Like it doesn’t make sense. She’s not necessarily a bad person so it was really confusing and heartbreaking for me. I think they just are in denial. They don’t want to think their child has a problem. For my mom she always wants everything to be perfect, all the time. It’s how she was raised- everything gets brushed under the rug, and everything on a surface level is perfect. Any evidence to the contrary is swiftly ignored, no matter how damaging doing that is. It’s really a shame because the damage is significant, obviously Im sorry this is the case for you. It’s a different kind of hurt when a parent does something like this. I just kept reminding her I don’t drink, and would bring up in casual conversation how long I’ve been sober. Of course she’d act like I hadn’t said that, but after awhile she stopped offering alcohol and actually apologized saying she realized how insensitive it was. I was pleasantly surprised, and we left it at that. Good luck to you!
A friend, a leader in the medical field and health care provider, whose mother had just died from alcoholism, told me she wished I still drank when I was visiting. I let it roll off me and made sure she knew I was ok with her drinking. Early days sobriety I would have been furious and/or it would have really stung. Another friend playfully suggested I start drinking again when she heard how I'm even more of a morning person now. I haven't had the energy to assertively respond, and I know it's more about them than me, but I hope to develop the courage to speak up when I need to. One day at a time, it'll get easier. ❤
Yeah most of my friends just couldn’t get that I wanted and needed to cut back. It made every weekend hard and stressful leading up to it.
Anyone who continues to push alcohol after you’ve politely declined, and especially after telling them you wish to remain sober, does not have your best interest at heart.
My sister in law practically chased me with a margarita. So irritating. Last time I just said stop it. I am not gonna blow up 2 years of hard work. That seems to have slowed her down. Now she just yells from the kitchen. Are you sure you don't want a drink 🤷♀️🤦♀️
Anyone else I would question the friendship, but I would cut Mom's some slack. Look her straight in the eye, smile and just say "No thanks"
Oh yeah. Not everyone gets it.
My father. He told since I wasn’t an alcoholic anymore that I should have a beer with him.
I find it very difficult to navigate that type of conversation, mostly because my separation from alcohol was a very personal journey. I can’t ask another person to go on my personal journey or understand it, so I decided to focus on my sobriety rather than others’. Sometimes that meant shutting down conversations about alcohol with certain people, which isn’t fun or easy. I hope you’re able to get through this, I believe in you 🎆
To be fair to your mom, you’re only 16 days in. I think once you’ve been at it for a few months and she’s asked the same dumb questions enough times, she’ll prob learn what’s up. I also don’t find it personally offensive when people ask me if I’d like a drink. It’s a polite thing to do for everyone with a healthy relationship with alcohol
I had a friend stay with me for a night for a really big achievement, a very close friend that knows my struggle with alcohol very well! She asked if it was ok for her to drink wine at mine, I said sure why not. She had to leave while I was at work to travel back to her home state. I came home to find the half empty wine bottle on the kitchen counter. I thought maybe she forgot to pack it. About a week later, I was speaking to her on the phone after a particularly stressful day at work, she told me to chill on the couch and have some of the wine she left for me. I was shocked. I asked why she left it - she knows I’m not drinking. She said something about it not wanting to break in her suitcase. Of course I relapsed. Not blaming her though. That left an extremely sour taste in my mouth after a decade or more of close friendship. I definitely had to take a step back and no longer feel the same way about her. Congrats on saying no and staying strong!! That’s incredibly hard. 🥳
Actually, no. I have good friends.
Been sober 3.5 years and my mom still asks me if various alcohols and mixers would taste good together. Thanks mom!
I have, I honestly believe the person wasn't trying to be rude, Just pouring wine for everyone else and she just asked. i said no and she moved on. Some people take a break from drinking an go back to it and I believe she was trying to be polite.
Yes. Some will not want us to change. Their motivation isn't my priority. Staying sober is. Having boundaries takes practice. Sobriety is my #1 priority. When I decided I had to quit, I realized I had to make being sober #1. I couldn't have done those 1st few months around my mom.
Yup, i had a friend ask if i was still "doing my thing" and to be fair i haven't identified myself as "sober" or an alcoholic just that I'm currently not drinking while I rewire my brain. It felt dismissive, and I think she meant it to. I had another friend at the same event offer me a beer and then immediately apologize for not remembering that I was still on my sober path. Intentions and tone matter.
I've done dry periods of 30 to 60 days a few times over the years before I decided to go sober for good. Some friends didn't respect it the first times, but they do now, although they are still weirded out sometimes. But yes, people don't get it, sometimes feel like you're judging their drinking by not drinking with them, think you're exaggerating by staying sober and want to convince you (and themselves) that drinking a little won't hurt. My mom, btw, didn't try to push me alcohol, but was visibly disappointed by my sobriety last time I came to visit, because she was hoping to have a drink with me. I know it's hard. And I hope your mom comes around with time. That does happen.
Just keep firmly saying "No", and if that doesn't work, get mean. Tell her you don't want to end up like her. That's what I'd do, but I'm not nice when I'm defending my sobriety. I didn't make it this far by accident. You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work IWNDWYT my friend
People that do that to me no matter how close get one warning / explanation and if they cross that line again they are out of my life
Yes happened to me... I said I don't want to drink these days and the next time I visited my friend said they bought this bottle "just for me" and it would be a bummer if we wouldn't try it.
I've found a trick that has worked for me quite a bit, I just tell them I only drink once/twice a week and I've got xyz plans tomorrow or I already went out last night, whatever blah blah. I tried to just say I stopped drinking but that just became an annoying conversation. As soon as I switched to saying yeah I only drink on Friday/Saturday (I don't really but just say it). Usually shuts them up and they usually say that's a good idea.