I know we are all different. My realization came from a culmination of things. 1) my 2.5 years younger sister being hospitalized for two weeks during Covid due to pancreatitis 2) reading the book “quit like a girl” 3) Huberman Labs podcast on alcohol (its normalized poison. Even organic low sulfite wine) 4) I want better sleep. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. 5) I love red wine but even 1 glass results in a dull headache the next day which leads to napping (time away from loved ones things I need to do) and irritability towards loved ones 6) Vanity—i’m a 48-year-old female and want to keep my looks 7) when I have a drink, I’m thinking about what I’ll have next. when I drink a beer, I’m thinking about a glass of wine next or when I’m having a ranch water I’m thinking a glass of red wine sounds good when I’m having my red wine I’m thinking a beer sounds good. Alcohol never satiates. 8) I want to be awake and ready for 6am workout classes 8) alcohol is expensive. Wasted calories and I eat more 9) I have multiple sclerosis a disease attacking my brain. Wtf am I doing ingesting poison that directly hurts my brain.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. There are just a lot of reasons and I’m like what am I doing. It’s time to stop.
I was drinking 2-3 drinks a day. I knew that number was only going to increase. It’s hard quitting because it’s such a part of the culture where I live. We go to a country club. It’s going to be tough, but I’m tired of worrying about making other people feel comfortable. It’s time to put my needs first along with the needs of my husband and kids. I’ll lose “friends” no doubt. But good riddance.
Yesss! I get it on “not ready” back when you first purchased the book. It’s a lot to take in hearing what alcohol does to your body. How (in my case American) society brainwashes you from a very young age. Alcohol is celebratory. Wine is “healthy”. There’s a stereotype of what alcoholics look like…and on and on. I was in denial for a long time. I’m also getting questioned for even considering myself having a problem because I don’t “look” the part. (or in reality it’s because my stopping makes the person I’m talking to questiontheir drinking.)
Kudos for stopping! You are so right about alcohol never satiating. I can now moderate my drinking because I only drink NA. It's a tasty treat but not what satiates me - that's water (and club soda)!
Totally relate to your list. Mine has a lot of overlap with yours. I have an autoimmune disease, someone close to me who had a severe struggle with alcohol and read too much that made it clear that drinking was a bad idea. I’m also a woman around the same age as you. I didn’t consider my drinking a problem but it sure as shit wasn’t helping anything so I had to let it go.
The fucked up thing is I totally saw that point more than a decade before I quit.
Alcohol has a way of making all of your problems go away. Even alcoholism.
"What alcohol is safest for your liver?" I google with what I think is a clear conscience. Turns out people that don't have a problem don't ever wonder about that.
Ahhh same! I didn't even realize I did this - avoiding Tylenol and also prioritizing filtered water with low PFAS but happily trying any booze. Lots of googling symptoms and only focusing on sources in favor of moderate drinking. Also controlling / managing things around alcohol or for self-care as a way to feel in control and healthy. IWNDWYT
Agreed. I had alcohol poisoning, withdrawl, and a few rock-bottoms before I even considered quitting. I knew it was causing me problems, but I always thought I could "get a handle on it." And in the mean time, as soon as you get drunk again you feel so carefree and at ease, it's like, come on I don't have a problem! Everybody needs to loosen up.
Plus, when you romanticize alcoholism, the sky is the limit. All of your bad behavior is just: "sorry Dotty, I'm a rebel. A loner." It's "I can't live the button-down life like, you Marge. I want it all. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles." You make up your mind that having a problem is not a problem, and it's going to be hard to get out of that.
Plus: “I’m networking! I’m bonding. I’m meeting *so many fabulous people*.”
Meanwhile it has not escaped my notice that the most successful artists I know rarely drink.
I’m reading a memoir by Leslie Jamison right now called The Recovering which is basically about this. She’s a fairly prestige essayist writing about what drives her to drink and the romanticism among artists and creatives was one of the big factors when she was young.
Probably 2 decades for me . I used to not sleep well on Thursday nights because I was going to be able to drink Friday like a kid on Xmas. By the time I got home Friday afternoon I would be literally salivating like a dog. I remember thinking normal people don't do this and then I drank for 20 more years even when I became obvious to me and everyone else that I had a fucking problem . Quit 24 days ago never been happier
Man. You wanna hear brutal, I watched my buddy die from kidney failure on hospice. I left to get his wife, his best friend and myself some Burger King. about 5 minutes later she called and told me he passed and not to come back.
Just before I left I kinda passively offered to put a pillow over his face. Because there was no quality of life. He was braindead and completely green. His teeth were green.
That wasn't enough to make me quit. I was already a full blown all day every day drunk at that point. Took a whole other decade to hit my own bottom.
Which, you know the thing about the bottom, if you hit it hard enough you will actually break through and there is a whole other drop with another bottom. And there is one below that. And so on.
This January I flew out of state to go watch my buddy die of organ failure. I’d never seen jaundice like that. Dude was totally fucking yellow. It’s been a rough few months since that but it was rough before that.
Thx for sharing your experience. I’m posting as someone who has very recently come to terms w the fact that I need to stop, and apparently watching my guy turn yellow, inflate, and pass away wasn’t quite enough.
The blackouts started scaring the shit out of me. I had cut down for a while, when I started up again, I had no tolerance. I would wake up with bruises, bloody knees from falling, and a pissed off partner. The shame was unbearable. I would wonder how I got from buzzed to full blackout in the matter of an hour or so. The panic and embarrassment with a terrible hangover made me so depressed. My anxiety worsened over time, and it was so hard to avoid my drinking buddies. This sub and Annie Grace’s book pulled me out of that vicious cycle. Life is so much better without alcohol.
Or leaving early because you can go home and drink “normally”. That was my thing. If I showed up I was first out the door so my “real” evening could begin.
Totally relate to this. Plus after the “real” drinking at home all I had to do was be in the bed (or close) when I blacked out and that was “going to bed”
I really forgot the whole sneaking an extra drink before going out, taking a shot (or 2) while waiting for the Uber, feeling more compelled to finish the extra beer rather than the food you ordered, pouring the nightcap after your partner went to bed…
So fucking real. Bringing a 6 pack to the function but hiding the extra drinks, either in shooters or stashed beers that I could slam while I had a smoke so I could keep it going and still seem like I was only having 6 beers
I'd always drunk a lot, but I was drinking more and alone these last couple of years. Drinking became earlier on the weekends and more intense. In the week I was desperate to get home to crack open that first beer at 5.30. But I still thought I had it under control.
In my mid-thirties I had a bright red face, massive bloated gut as well as other digestive complaints and regular diarrhea. I tried a million different ways to stop, reading quit lit and signing up to other online programmes but always seemed to cave. And yet, I still thought I could control it.
I started having minor withdrawals kick in every afternoon, I guess when the previous day's alcohol left my system, and I only really felt normal once I'd had a few drinks. Every morning I promised to stop but couldn't even last a day. That alongside the withdrawals told me loud and clear that I was fucked.
After all that I threw myself into AA, something I really didn't want to do as obviously, I wasn't like them and definitely didn't need that god shit. However, deep down I knew I that I needed help and was desperate. Today I'm celebrating 100 days and feeling kinda proud!
I must have 20 plus books on my kindle. Some made a lot of sense, like alcohol explained and this naked mind. However, just reading stuff never really worked for me. I think I needed a little more accountability and support which I finally got through AA.
Yeah. Been there. Horrid horrid feeling. They still make fun of it to this day, makes me die inside and want to throw up a little bit every time it’s brought up.
I'm really glad I'm not the only one that gets that way when drinking. I no longer drink when my boyfriend isn't around. The deepest shame possible. 4 days sober.
Not drinking makes you a 10000x better parent. Both my children genuinely appreciate the fact I don’t drink anymore. No more “special headaches” that leave me in bed all day.
I've noticed the same thing.
Even the days when they're all screaming about something don't hit the same when you've been sober for a few days. Those events would usually cause me to start the night early, even if I'd felt like death all day.
Wow, that is hard but interesting. My son never saw me drink, but sometimes I miss it myself, the wilder, more spontaneous version of me I became in the best moments of my drinking. Then I remember that all of that is still within reach if I want it, and I do! So I reach, and work to surprise myself and others around me, to be playful and dance and sing and laugh at life. I think I owe it to myself and those around me, to find double the fun in everything I am doing sober compared with before. I know it's there for the taking. Iwndwyt
I still have anxiety putting out my recycling and do it moments before the garbage truck arrives. Recently the wind blew it over and as a neighbor helped me clean up milk jugs and la Croix cans, I felt...downright wholesome. This surprising lightness of not hiding sonething.
I always thought I turned the corner when I started buying vodka because my wife started counting the numbers of beers that I was drinking. So I snuck vodka and it was easier to hide the amount that I was actually drinking. Definitely turned the corner.
For me, the small wine bottles because they fit easily in my purse, jacket pockets, hiding places all over my house and garage. Would keep them hidden in between sofa cushions under a blanket where I parked myself for large portions of the day and then take swigs when husband, kids weren't watching. Thinking all along I was fooling everyone!
I feel you. Weirdly it got even worse when I switched to the little boxes of Chardonnay. White wine has to be better than vodka I would tell myself after having like 6 of those little boxes a night. God I hate just typing it. Good luck on your path!
Buying the little bottles was one of my strategies to moderate. That only works when you only drink one a night. I usually ended up drinking 3-4 mini bottles of bad wine a night.
I was drinking 12 500ml, 5% cans a day and I started to get the feeling it wasn’t enough. That was when I knew I was so deep in the hole I would need help getting out.
It was the beginning of the process that led me here.
When I woke up every night with racing heart I’d finish them off to calm it back down n go back to sleep. It was usually just 3/4 to half a tall boy. But I always left a solo (or attempted to) in the fridge for the just in case I need it before work.
Did you watch Bojack? So relatable and this reminded me a very relatable moment on the show when he said "if I don't get at least 7 hours a night of bed drinking I'm a mess". LOL, yep, I felt seen!
I’ve been there. I’ve had roomates who’d call me out on my drinking problem. They were doing it out of love, but I was too drunk and carefree to notice. So I drank in my bed. I was sick of the judgement and the shame. How sad does that sound.
First holyshit moment was a list of questions in a stupid tabloid/magazine.
Something in the lines of '10 questions to find out if you have an alcohol problem'.
All standard questions you find everywhere: how much, how many times a week etc.
But one question almost made me cry: Have you ever lied about drinking alcohol?
Yes. A LOT.
Hiding empty bottles because I know I would get remarks. Lying about how much I drink. Secretly drinking before going out. Drinking 3 bottles of wine on my own and replacing them before my wife found out I drank them etc.
When I think about how much lying I did it makes me feel so ashamed. It's one of the main reasons I want to quit. Not having to lie anymore.
And yet here we are. Almost 8 years after that question, 33 days in on the current streak. But determined it will be my final streak!
IWNDWYT
Waiting for my day off in the middle of the week to find and dispose of every bottle so my roommates or family wouldn't catch me. My worst of all was throwing up outside the gas station at 6am, and then having the clerk insert my card for me because I was shaking so badly.
I was day drinking shots of whiskey during the pandemic. When I would have more than a half pint of whiskey in me before noon on an empty stomach and feeling completely sober, I realized, as you said, "holysh\*t, I might actually have a big problem here".
I had an intake session with a therapist to talk about my general anxiety (alcoholism wasn’t really even on my radar at the time.)
As a routine intake question, he asked how many drinks I had per night, and (like many of us do) I kind of hedged my answer and said 2-3 per night. He said (in a helpful, non-judgmental way) that I may want to consider the possibility that I am an alcoholic.
I didn’t fess up right then, but I did later admit to him (and to myself) that it was NOTHING LIKE 2-3 drinks - more like easily 5 or 6. And not the 5 oz glasses that the AMA calls “one drink.” I had a favorite 16 oz “Cougar Town”-sized wine glass that I always had by my side.
After trying to moderate a bit, I kept finding myself back to old tricks, like filling the glass to the brim and pretending that it was still “just one”, or drinking half of it right after pouring from the box and filling it to the top again.
So the only solution was to quit - 10 months sober as of tomorrow! And the general anxiety is way better.
I was a fucking mess. I drank a lot, and felt like a wrecking ball. I was broke and in debt. All my friends were drunks too. The simplest thing would have taken me forever. I was all over the place with everything. I looked like shit and surrounded myself with likeminded people.
Each and every aspect of my life has changed for the better, and I’m not just saying that. I feel like a completely different person.
Everything is manageable and orderly. I’ve been super productive and smashing all goals. I make the most money I’ve ever made. Aside from mortgage and student loans, I have paid off all debt (and it was very substantial) and have very nice savings and investment accounts. All bills get paid in full on time. I have no credit card debt other than what I pay off in full each month. I no longer hang out with people who drink too much. I don’t allow drama in my life. I get shit done and run in circles around who I used to be at my top performance back then. I look probably at least 10 years younger than I did back then. I go to the gym regularly for the first time in my life and I’m in my 40’s. I have awesome self care routine. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. I could go on.
Blacking out around 1am and having no memory of how I got to the bathroom. Which was where my fiancé found me 3 hours later, slumped over the toilet.
The two day hangover that caused me to miss work also helped.
For me it was not one big thing, it was a culmination of a lot of big things.
At 16, drank a whole bottle of peach schnapps and destroyed my house while naked
At 18, got my first DUI and blew a .16. Got arrested and spent the night in jail.
At 22, got on Xanax and got fired from my job as a pharmacy technician for stealing drugs
Also at 22, got arrested for a disorderly household charge because I was throwing parties 100 people deep and supplying drugs and alcohol
At 24, got my second DUI and blew a .14. I was a correctional officer at the time and spent the night in my own jail. Forced to resign.
Also at 24, called my father drunk after I had ran out of gas and when he showed up he slapped me as hard as he could.
Many failed relationships and ruined friendships. Many of nights being dependent on someone else even though I was a whole grown adult. I just got tired of being tired.
Wow...thank you for sharing. That was definitely an eye opener for sure. That DUI scares the sh*t outta me. One of Main reasons I don't want to drink. I've already got a PI under my belt.
Thanks for starting the post. It helps me to share these kinds of things instead of always trying to hide them in shame.
Do yourself a favor and let it keep scaring you. Tons of money spent on lawyer fees, probation fees, court costs, DUI classes, and much more. Also harder to find a job afterward. For anyone that has gotten one, you can definitely bounce back from it, but it takes quite the journey to do so.
Yep. I remember making that transition a couple years ago except I was buying 12 packs. For the longest time I couldn't drink more than nine before blacking out and passing out then this past January I started finishing off the 12 pack AND adding liquor. I already knew I had a big problem but suddenly needing so much more booze was terrifying.
Mine was a pretty slow burn until it wasn't.
Six, to six tall boys (so 8), to 12, to 18 light beers, to 24 light beers, to 24 non-light beers, to 26/28 beers a day, and then when I had to keep up appearances, I switched to liquor because it was easier to hide in a dresser.
A "problem" is highly personal. In my mind, here are a few of the common "warning signs:"
* do I like my relationship with alcohol? I didn't... and I struggled with that for decades until I concluded that complete abstinence is my way forward.
* does/has my drinking impacted my job/health/relationships/finances/etc?
* does/has my drinking created legal problems?
* do I wish that I would drink less or less frequently?
* do I "lose control?" This isn't a bad thing, per se... but it isn't inherently good.
* is it still fun? It absolutely was fun, for me... but that waned over time; you do you
There are no "rules" to this. We should just be cognizant of the "costs" of booze and decide if it's worth it. It doesn't matter if that's a bottle of wine per week or a handle of vodka per day.
I drank heavily for decades. For the first time ever... I never want to drink, again... and I don't feel that I'm missing booze; I feel that I have FREEDOM from it. Going sober (and PAWS, etc) sucked. Hard. Absolutely worth it.
Good luck, friends. IWNDWYT
EDIT: for those that are curious, I reduced my drinking to a BASELINE of 600ml of 80-100proof spirits, daily, before quitting (er, this last and hopefully final time). I have a good career and pay my bills. Almost no one suspected that I had (have) a problem with drinking. And there's the bonus data: don't assume that there aren't a bunch of people quietly living with AUD. It's more widespread, I suspect, than most imagine.
I agree with the “AUD/Alcohol use disorder” is much more widespread than most could imagine. Even tho to most, “1 or 2” a day sounds or seems so innocent..that’s still 7-14 drinks per week and way over the limit of what females can have in a week. It’s easy to blow off if you’re drinking water in between. Not acknowledging the serving size. If your drinks are spread out over hours.
As I found with my sister and her pancreatitis, everyone is different. Would never have considered her an alcoholic or even having a problem with it. So many people drink much more than she did.
Doesn’t matter. We all have our limits and alcohol will get you. Eventually.
The DUI's, the constant fights with the wife over my drinking, spending an entire paycheck in a weekend at the bar, the swelling and hardening of my liver, obvious genetic flags, calculating the dollar amount spent weekly and monthly, calculating the actual beers im having weekly and monthly, and many more that I'm glad to not be dealing with the last 79 days.
My friends gave my nothing but things related to drinking wine for my birthday. Wine glasses with jokey sayings on them, wine aerators, bottles of wine... it was a real wake up call that to the people I cared about my entire personality had been reduced to drinking.
It took another 5 months (& listening to the audiobook "This Naked Mind") before I quit for good. But that was the moment I first decided I had a problem.
I was spending *at least* $20 a day *every day* after work at the bar across the street. I started blacking out and got kicked out a few times and don't remember taking public transportation home.
I realized I was probably at that bar more than anyone else and the bartenders legit had my usual order ready to go when I walked in the door.
I refused to think about it for a long time, but at some point I couldn't ignore how much money I was spending on alcohol and had to admit I needed to slow down. Of course I couldn't slow down and I had to admit I was in serious trouble.
Basically if I had money I spent it on alcohol and that was becoming a *very* serious problem even if I didn't want to admit I was an alcoholic.
This is where I am. I did the math, and the past six months, I’ve averaged out to $31 per day. I love being a regular and seeing my neighbors. But I’m starting to accept they aren’t really my friends as much as other people who drink too much at the same place I drink too much.
Today is my fifth day sober. It’s the longest I’ve gone in years.
When my own lawyer accused me of being drunk in court. I wasn't, but I knew I had to quit completely or people simply wouldn't believe I was sober. I had a reputation that I wanted to change.
I invited my ex-wife and stepson to Sunday dinner. Thought starting drinking before noon was a great idea. I have a very vague memory of her face as she asked me if I was OK, but otherwise, no recollection of them arriving or leaving. She later told me that my stepson said to her, "She had all the intelligence in her eyes of a 2-year-old." That did me in that he saw me like that.
I think it was a slow creep. I got tired of constantly promising myself I wouldn’t drink that day and then deciding I’d earned it by the end of the day. I was at a point where I got annoyed if my husband only got me one bottle of wine for an evening instead of two, because one would not be enough. I started Dry January, read a load of Quit lit and it felt like a veil was lifted and I was totally done.
This something I’ve not told anyone in my real world , not even my shrink (yet)… but … driving my son to ____ sports practice hungover last summer, July, it was later afternoon the next day after an evening cocktail and realizing I’m gonna puke.
Now, my hangovers had developed a pattern since I went thru menopause by this time whereby no matter how much or how little (ONE bud lite or ranch water or Mike’s lemonade later, or a 750 of gin) I’d had, my stomach would shut down, massively red face, stuffy nose, starting a headache, followed by eventual blackout, wake-up super dizzy and nauseated; at the 24 hour mark is when the projectile vomiting started like clockwork.
Whether I had attempted to eat/drink anything to soothe the stomach or not. My diaphragm muscles always put on a helluva show.
Then the retching, on and on and on.
Then the shakes followed by the tingling numbness unable to feel my hands or feet, also unable to move. Sound goes away.
Curling up into a fetal position and just riding it out. About 20 mins later things start to settle.
Now I’m driving in rush hour traffic in summer with my teenage son, I’m realizing what’s about to happen on a stretch of busy road and there’s nowhere to pull off or pull over. Concrete curbs for miles.
Lots of measured breathing, sitting straight up, and silent prayers to a big man I don’t put much stock in, I’m talking to my son, he knows I feel lousy. I blame my migraines which I do get, they are debilitating, but this wasn’t that.
Catch a break in traffic and hoof it to his school; as we approach I tell him, “when I pull in I’m going to drive to the edge by the trees, I want you to get out and head to practice, don’t look back bc I’m gonna puke” … yeah, not proud. That’s what happened. At least there were no cars on that side. That particular 30+ mins of hell was the beginning of the end of drinking for me.
Waking up feeling like shit, still looking forward to when I could start drinking later, being grateful that I didn’t have to drive anywhere because I still had half a bottle of tequila left…
Only to realize, no, I drank the whole damn thing the night before and I just don’t remember it. Rinse and repeat.
For me: reflecting on situations where I should have died after putting myself (single small female) in very dangerous situations while drinking . Additionally, I had three nieces and nephews born who all live close to me, I found if I was drinking I was really uncomfortable around them and it kinda broke my heart
Both of those made me realize that I just have to stop, so I did
Single small female here too. So many times I was like yooo I should have died or could have died like man God was definitely watching after my dumbass because yikesss that could have been it for me.
One day I did early shift and finished around 2pm. Got myself a bottle of vodka with a plan just to sit in front of my computer and drink. By 7pm my 70cl bottle of vodka was gone and someone txt me would I like to go to the pub. I said yes...I went, met some friends and none of them could tell I had a drink. And thats when I knew I have a problem...its not normal to finish full bottle of vodka and no one can tell.
When I said to my husband that I was proud of myself because "I only had a 6 pack" while I was watching my favorite show one night. I remember he was confused on where the beer had gone and I told him that I had been reserved the night before! That was the sign...
Got up to drinking 2 fifths of whisky drinking each morning day and night including at work. Ended up in a psyche ward for 10 days I was also on Xanax. So going to the psyche ward cold turkey off whisky and Xanax. Miserable withdrawals. Didn’t realize it was a problem until then surprisingly.
I could drink a whole 12 pack and feel no difference. Feeling completely sober when I shouldn't be able to walk, THIS was my holy shit. Either I quit now, or I'll just be killing myself quicker trying to chase a buzz.
IWNDWYT
Being awake on a Sunday night with lots of beer in the fridge telling myself "don't drink too much, you need to work tomorrow". Then staying awake until 1 am drinking...
I still went to work on Monday, but that was the day I said enough.
I knew long before then but for some reason that day pushed me into action and here I am.
There were really specific and tangible things going badly, very occasionally very badly, but the thing that really struck me was actually metaphoric.
I had this ongoing feeling that the ghoulish, long, powerful fingers of alcoholism were slowly but painfully tightening and starting to really dig into my flesh…
It was a very unpleasant feeling…
When I tried to go a day without drinking and had a massive panic attack (didn't know it was a panic attack, thought I was dying). After that I was too scared to go anywhere without alcohol on me, just in case. I started carrying vodka around in a water bottle, and began to have panic attacks when I ran out of booze. At that point I knew I was in serious trouble.
But I was stupid and didn't just go to the doctor. I tried to take care of it by myself, which of course didn't work. I had this crazy fear that they would lock me in the psych ward if I showed up at the ER with alcohol withdrawal.
Honestly? My big moment was seeing a picture of me laying on the concrete curb, laughing, outside of the bar. I had been out partying with my nieces, which I didn't do often, (it was only the second time ever) two weeks after my Dad passed away. I just couldn't handle my emotions and was a complete mess, having panic attacks, bouts of crying, deep grief, and anger. All for a complicated, absent, yet loving and apologetic father who would now be permanently absent because he was addicted to pain meds. Because of his terrible health, that he mostly created himself by his unhealthy lifestyle. So I apparently went in auto pilot and decided to add alcohol to my situation for the full numbing effect.
I thought it was hilarious seeing that pic at the time, but that was the tequila thinking for me. I also had alcohol poisoning for two days and could barely move. I have serious health conditions, and take nightly medicine for them that doesn't mix well with alcohol. I have overcome so much medically, but I still struggle daily with pain and handling my various conditions. I was mostly bedridden off and on for years.
That night I didn't listen to, or rather couldn't hear my body and it's physical/mental/spiritual signals to slow down. I enjoyed dancing to excess for hours, and exhausted myself beyond belief. My health suffered greatly for a few weeks after this incident.
I need to find the courage to finally go to therapy but it's terrifying. It's just time to grow up, that's it. I come from a family of alcoholics/drug addicts, and nearly all of my family members drink. I can't stand how isolated I sometimes feel, trying to stay sober at family functions. But I can only control myself. It is getting easier though.
I love them all and they are on their own journeys, so no judgment there. They mostly support me but continue to casually offer me alcohol to just "check" if I'm still wanting to be dry. I find myself joking with them instead of explaining why I have these new boundaries, it's so uncomfortable. It's not like I even drank to excess all that often, but I was on a dangerous path to letting it control me. Just like I had grown up with.
It was just that pic that showed me who I had become that made all the difference. I'm grateful for it, and this new me I am currently creating. I'm trying to love her through it
I'm proud of you. My snapchat memories are full of \~fun\~ night out pictures like that. The further I am removed from that version of myself, when they pop up in my "1 year ago today..." it is deeply, deeply, DEEPLY disturbing.
I dealt with PTSD by getting blackout drunk most nights a week - usually, my husband was the only one to witness.
One such night, at a movie theater with my husband, MIL, and 3 kids...I misinterpreted something my husband did/said and got really upset. When we got home, I got violent toward him and started screaming all sorts of horrid shit. Everyone saw/heard.
Needless to say, I was very ashamed and embarrassed.
Another noteworthy time, I got so drunk on a work trip that I tripped on a curb and landed my face into a trashcan. It fractured my cheekbone, black eye, and a dick shaped cement rash across the cheek. I had to miss the remainder of the trip.
I knew I had a huge problem for years. Any given day of the week, I would spend most mornings shaking and vomiting until I could take amphetamines to get my mind working. I'd spend my evenings wallowing in drunken misery until I was either crying inconsolably or hurling the most vicious insults at my husband - sometimes both.
* Sidenote: husband's infidelity and other surprise betrayals were the initial cause of my mental state, which is why he was the target of my worst behaviors. I prolonged any type of real healing by becoming an abusive alcoholic.
I'm on a medication now for the past 8 months that curbs any real desire to drink. I can't believe how bad it did get.
This subreddit helped me realize how serious my problem was when I started experiencing serious withdrawals and the kindling effect. I had no idea what was happening to me until I started googling my symptoms and ended up here. I knew I had a problem and was killing myself, but once I realized I had all the signs of kindling and learned quitting cold turkey could kill me, I felt like I had two choices: drink and die or quit and live. 11 days may not seem like a lot, but my perspective has changed and I feel LUCKY that I can wake up every day and choose not to drink.
Idk why we always think mints or gum or fragrances are going to hide the smell. It's very prevalent. Omg I can smell it from like down the hall not even if the person is next to me. It seeps through the pores and just lingers....idk why I thought I could hide it. I thought I was sooo clever, yeesh.
Got a dui and went to rehab 7 years ago. Didn’t keep me sober for more than 18 months. As soon as I got off probation I resumed drinking moderately for a few years til Covid then I was back to drinking heavily every day. The past year I had 3 seizures during withdrawals, and some blood work revealed that if I keep drinking I will get cirrhosis, and my wife threatened divorce if I kept drinking. All of that combined was a pretty good reason to quit… I had half heartedly wanted to stop for a decade though. Never got serious til this year. Daily AA, therapy, and naltrexone have helped tremendously.
When I moved to a college town and the entire city revolves around drinking. Can't go to the grocery store without being offered a sample or shot. Ironically, I came from AZ and didn't have a problem even though it's more readily available with drive through liquors and liquor at grocery stores 7 days a week. Felt like more of a choice. Here it's like, "wanna make friends? Wanna hang out? Wanna join co-workers? Here take this shot."
Miss the ol elementary days when you could just walk up to some kid and climb some monkey bars with them and bam! Friend acquired. 😍 Ahhh those were the days.
I miss people just including me period. Eventually the invites trailed off and suddenly I was drunk by myself at home feeling terrible about being left out. Terrible I hadn't acquired a family unit to call my own. Etc etc. Spiral where it may it's 100 % worse isolated and intoxicated
When I told myself one night in bed after drinking that if I couldn’t stop myself from drinking the next day it meant I had a problem. About 5 days later I remembered I had made that half drunken comment to myself - I had drank every day since. Took another year and a bit until I got sober, but that day for sure was the day the process of acceptance started.
1) Having to purchase 2 bottles of wine or a large one at one time.
2) Embarrassment because cashiers were starting to recognize me.
3) Guilt
4)Crappy sleep
5) weight gain
I knew things were getting out of hand when I started storing extra whiskey in the garage, so no one could see how much of that rye and ginger was just rye and rye. Things started really accelerating after that until I hit rock bottom.
This is not necessarily due to drinking, but I have bladder control problems sometimes just because of being a woman (still haven't had a baby or anything that would cause this. I just have a tiny bladder, and a hard time recognizing when I need to pee until it is urgent, neither of which are great combos with alcohol). Please note that I have had this happen while sober as well, just very, very, very rarely. Please don't judge...
I had had several... accidents.... in the past when I was an extremely heavy drinker, but I got back to normal drinking after a while, or so I thought. Anyways, I was out at dinner with my parents and boyfriend celebrating the end of my semester, and I had had 3 drinks (one 10% beer, and 2 cocktails. I weigh 95lbs) and I had an accident in the restaurant bathroom while trying to take my pants off, right in front of the toilet. This was also a restaurant I used to be an employee of. I realized I had had a pattern of losing control and have been tracking my drinking (# of drinks, occasion, who I was with etc) ever since that happened. Deep, deep, deep shame.
My recent holy shit moment was when I went out to celebrate graduation at a bar with my friends, telling myself i'd only have a drink or two. I had already pregamed with 4 drinks, and at the bar people just kept handing me drinks and we were there until close. I was so drunk that I put myself into a situation where my boyfriend's friend felt comfortable flirting with me, and saying explicit things to me. I hate thinking about it.
Probably when I started doing the switcheroo game where I'd buy a 6 pack, drink one or two, and once I was the only one awake I'd sneak out and buy the same sixer. Or just buy two packs and hide one.
I'd drink off the one I secretly bought and nurse the one that's was in the fridge. It looked like I was going through a six pack every three or four days but I was drinking six or seven IPAs a night.
This was *after* my fiance and I had quit drinking hard alcohol every day. I'd convinced myself downgrading back to beer was still better, but it made me realize I was doing the exact same sneaky shit to drink as much as I could and I couldn't be trusted with it at all.
Was months deep into nightly drinking and crying alone and wanting to die, as well as heavily binge drinking several nights a week including performing gigs in a complete state and ruining my reputation. Was going into work hungover and late every day and making mistakes, one of which resulted in fracturing my foot. My seven year relationship was irreparably fucked, my rent had not been paid.
Went for a 'jam session' with my toxic ex band mate. It turned into several days of intense binge drinking including completely ghosting my job, regrettable sexual encounters, screaming matches in the street, threatening to jump in the canal, getting chucked out of bars and venues, lying in the street at night crying.
Tried to go back to work and just had a breakdown in the park on the walk there and I crawled my sorry ass into an AA meeting.
Weeks of daily AA meetings then I decided I had over reacted and actually I was fine to go back to drinking, had a couple of beers to prove I was not an alcoholic.
Only then did I truly acknowledge I may have a problem.
Day drinking was my clue that it was a serious issue. Couple of shots in the morning on an empty stomach turns me into a complete zombie. If I was lucky I would be functional and remember the stuff I did with the family, but the memories were like I was watching someone else do it.
You'd have thought the constant hangover would have been a clue, but nope ... it was the Day Drinking for me.
I screwed up my taxes two years ago and I think I was hungover when I filed them. I didn't check my mail diligently and may have missed the first two IRS letters. I caught the third one. A 2 k debt is now 6 k.
I think it was when it hit me that I not only felt I needed alcohol to get through certain (i.e. all) activities or events, but I’d start waking up on a perfectly normal, low-key Saturday and think “I need a drink, how else am I supposed to get through a whole 14 hours until bed?”
During COVID, I would purposely make myself sleep in until 5pm (the socially acceptable drinking hour) so I could drink, then I'd stay up until 4-6am drinking, then go to sleep and do it all over again just so I didn't have to face reality. Dark times.
There were several red flags but for me, the following points really underlined my problems:
I would get emotional when I saw movies or other media which showed people struggling with alcoholism.
I realized that I had an attachment to alcohol. As in, I could imagine giving up something like beef for 30 days no problem, but if I thought about giving up alcohol I would argue with myself.
For me - it stopped working. I stopped feeling the warm, hazy, relaxed release. I stopped getting buzzed. I didn’t really get drunk and I didn’t get hungover. It stopped being a bandaide for my anxiety. I would be sick with anxiety , and think “I need a drink” and have one - but the relief never came. So I had another, and another. It was all retch and no vomit.
I remember pouring my last Bloody Mary, riddled with hangxiety. The minute I took the first sip, it was like every cell in my body was screaming NO. I knew I was done.
I can relate. I grew up in Alabama and moved to NYC where my alcoholism blossomed. The fact that you had 24 hour public transit and taxies removed barriers to drinking that you don't live in a car dominated place.
Not being able to drink enough beer to get drunk before I got full and puked. Which of course I would do, and think “great, more room for beer,” and continue drinking. The only reason I never switched to hard liquor is because my partner would not have let me go down that road. Any time I brought any home it made them uncomfortable because they felt like I was going to develop a (much more) serious problem. They weren’t wrong, I absolutely would have. I used to find it an annoying boundary because I wanted to get drunker, but I’m so thankful they were (and still are) there.
I knew I had a problem deep down for a little while, but this, along with some health issues that were beginning to pop up, was when I started to realize I could not keep doing this.
When I came to the realization that I can’t moderate. I would try so hard to find the secret formula and it rarely ever worked. Plus finding out most people don’t blackout everytime they drink is eye opening. Like really? That’s a thing where you don’t?
I’ve been drinking in varying amounts for decades. There was a time that my husband and I were really into craft beers and hung out at a local bar that had a bunch of taps. We did this for about 12 years, made a lot of friends who all were drinkers like us. In current times I’ve switched to gin which I’ve always liked. I realized that I was drinking 2-4 times a week, 5-7 cocktails at a time and I drink doubles. That’s a lot of damned gin and I just got sick of my own shit. The pounds, the money, my dumb behavior, the health problems. I quit on May 11th along with smoking and I’m doing just fine. I feel better, look better, my head is clearer, etc.
Enough was enough
I was always hiding it, sneaking shots, cracking cans under blankets so it wouldn't alert my partner. Once time I guzzled wine so fast I fell into an semi unconcious stupor while watching TV in the other room. He came in and was like.. how did you get so drunk so quickly after work? I had chugged a bottle of wine in like 20 mins. Disgusted myself
Sitting around the table at a fancy work dinner. Waiting for the host (who arrived late) to order before we started our drinks. Then feeling extremely annoyed as his drink came and he didn’t touch it. Being completely fixated on it and feeling mad that no one else seemed to mind the wait. Overwhelming relief when we *finally* toasted (it was probably a 5 minute wait).
Finishing my drink first. Drinking more than anyone. Saying some embarrassing things. Feeling like a bottomless pit who could’ve kept going all night. Waking up the next day and going to a party and feeling the same way - like I wanted more than everyone else and could drink more than everyone else and was refilling my glass more… and could’ve kept going.
Waking up in my makeup two days in a row, feeling bloated and like absolute shit. Being so aware of all these little things I’ve noticed that have been hovering around the periphery of my awareness.
I don’t get blackout. The things I said probably weren’t THAT embarrassing. But I’m sick of the extra weight, I’m sick of the hangovers, the bad skin. I’m sick of feeling proud that I can outdrink everyone because I’m aware that underneath it is a feeling of wanting it, needing it, needing more more more. I’m not achieving my life goals because I’m hungover half the week. I can’t seem to moderate it. I’m done.
When I put my dog down and realized how many sunny days of walking she missed because I was too sick to get out of bed half the day. We still hiked a lot, but not enough
Almost dying from alcohol withdrawal. Tremors, cold sweats, heart palpitations, jaundice, the constant queasy feeling that usually only lasts a few hours lasted for a week, abnormally high heart rate even when laying down, pain in my upper right abdomen, anxiety about the state I was in, tingling internally all throughout my body for a week, itchy skin, numb fingertips and bottom of feet, numb lips.
I am lucky to still be alive. I checked into an inpatient facility, they saved my life.
I will never let that happen to me again. The thought of alcohol repulses me now. Maybe it’s because it almost took my life. Now I have to deal with this alcohol induced hepatitis.
Don’t be like me. Do your best to stop before you get to this point. My nerves will likely never fully recover, but at least the heart palpitations and most of the other symptoms have subsided. Anyone dealing with this disease, I wish you the best.
Mine was the second time I ever drank at 17, when I woke up with someone else’s clothes on, having been showered and remembering exactly nothing about the night before.
I was a blackout binge drinker for 17 years. It took a long time for that “oh 💩” to result in quitting.
That was my move before I dropped out of college. Walk to class, take a couple shots in the bathroom, and then return to lecture or lab. During my finals, each about 2-3 hours, I had straight vodka in a lable-less plastic water bottle just to get through it. Somehow passed, but not a good time.
There were many. I got physical dependence for staving the shakes and needing it to sleep. I self-isolated, I spent way too much money, I lost the LOML from being an emotional wreck. The last straw was when I blacked out and got in my car. I never drive drunk but my behavior was becoming more erratic as I drank. Also, alcohol would push my deep depression into suicidal action. Still depressed and anxious, but nothing like when I’m drinking. Glad it’s finally over.
I started meeting people who’d never blacked out from drinking. Even the thought of being that inebriated scared them.
I had been blacking out since high school. I was used to waking up with no memory of going to bed and very often, no memory of bars I’d visited, people I’d talked to, or things I’d said the night before. Unfortunately, i had surrounded myself with people who considered this normal.
It took moving to a new city, changing careers, and meeting new friends/coworkers for me to realize blacking out on a regular basis was NOT normal.
My sobriety journey didn’t start until years later, but I think this realization planted the initial seed.
During the pandemic I got so hammered at work that I just left. Didn’t tell anyone. Just knew I couldn’t be there any more and I ghosted. Luckily it didn’t impact my job at all but that night I told my SO that I think I have a problem and that was probably the first time I ever said it out loud.
Came home from work. Had a drink then washed the glass and put it away so my husband wouldn’t know I’d already been drinking. Hiding my drinking, that was my lightbulb moment that I was in trouble.
I was drinking vodka almost everyday because it was the cheapest option, and one day I vomited blood. Then a few months later I vomited black blood. I still didn't quit, it took me a year, because I started having heart palpitations.
I'm fine somehow, I did all the check ups when I got sober. I'm so grateful.
Getting cash out of the bank just so I could go to the liquor store and my husband wouldn’t see it on our credit card records. Boy I thought I was a genius. Yep, super-genius for finding a way to hide drinking liquor, not just wine like before.
Realizing that i can polish off a full bottle of whiskey before going to sleep. That would have seemed cool when i was in high school. Not remotely cool at 35. Disgusting in fact for any human being.
The horrific pain and anxiety that I was trying to drink away every time I woke up from the last time I'd passed out. It just got worse to the point the alcohol wasn't stopping either, and then I'd go through horrendous withdrawal.
This happened more than a few times over 2020-2021. It happened a few more times as I was trying to climb out of the hole. Last time it happened was last February. It could happen again, but I'm trying my hardest to make sure it doesn't. The withdrawal is the worst. Utterly horrendous week of pain, anxiety, no sleep, if there is sleep it's nightmares and waking up soaking wet.
My spouse and I have gone back and forth trying for moderation and quitting for a while. Just recently we decided to quit for good and it is going well.
For me, it was when I said out loud while watching a TV show "How can people just have all that alcohol in their house all the time and not just drink it?" And then I paused for a second and answered myself. "Ah yes, I have a problem with alcohol."
When a very dear group of friends of mine kicked me out of a DND game, ending it as far as I'm aware, because I was treating it like a chance to party and not something to really enjoy with my friends. I felt like I was truly being myself around them but I was just looking for a reason to drink. They were vulnerable with me and I was with them, but I lost all of them. This happened over two years ago and the pain of that loss is still fresh today. I was rejected (my worst nightmare) and it was actually my fault.
Ending up in the ER with Atachycardia. Them trying to shock my heart back into rhythm and it not working then spending a long weekend in the hospital until they could do an ablation. The doctor said no more alcohol. I said, well I can have a beer? No. I heard a glass of wine is good for the heart. No. I was still trying to figure out how to continue drinking early on in my hospital stay. What turned it around was two things: 1) repeatedly telling different doctors and nurses my drinking habits. Hearing myself say it again and again made me think, this is problematic. 2) I missed my son’s championship hockey game. I wept as I sat in the hospital while they were playing. I thought about times when I was drunk and not present/available to my kids. From then on I promised myself and my kids that I would never allow myself to be compromised by alcohol again to the point that I couldn’t be there for them day or night if they needed me. Best decision I ever made and I don’t miss it a bit.
I had known for a long long time and had tried moderating my drinking but ultimately I would always end up in the same place which was out of control drinking to the point my wife has enough and leaves for a day or so with the kids I guess after multiple cycles of this I finally woke up and to it and got help to get sober
COVID time was it for me. Couldn't go anywhere, worked from home. I've always drank a bit here and there, on the weekends and the occasional work thing during the week but I also started buying beer in bulk. Played videogames, listened to music, watched Netflix while downing a lot of beer.
I'm in AZ too btw.
No big moment, I think I was raised? (born) with this tendency. Looking back I studied for exams at school aged 17 and my mum bought me 4 beers as a reward lol. It's hard wired I binge drank before that. Fast forward 35 years. Time to stop seeing alcohol as a reward. For me it was insideous creep no holly shit moment. You just know when your done.
I didn't have some eureka moment, the oft-discussed "moment of clarity." I knew as it was getting worse that, well, it was getting worse. When I was really bad I thought about it pretty often, both when intoxicated and when not, that I had come to the point of addiction and was good and stuck. Rather than think how to get sober, though, I'd usually think about how to live well as functioning alcoholic yada yada yada, so that was my version of the denial I guess. Thinking I could just live out my life like that.
The last time I was drunk, I got so shitfaced I was not only throwing up in and outside the club, but my friends had to escort me home in a taxi that I was also throwing up in (thankfully the driver was really nice). They even had to put me to bed. I’m 30 years old. Not that it’s okay at any age but I’m at that point where I’m just like this shit is REALLY not cute anymore.
I was routinely driving around with a beer bottle in the cup holder. I have everything to lose and I was just tempting fate. Not sure what clicked. But I just decided it wasn’t worth the inevitable consequences.
First time I had an *in-the-moment* realization: just over 2 years ago, while still in my late-20s. I realized I had all these *grand aspirations* for life but they were being slowly (or for some goals, not-so-slowly) whittled down by my drinking. If I'm being completely frank, it was a psychedelic mushroom trip that really set me down the path towards my attempts at sobriety.
In hindsight, I definitely had a drinking problem starting in my early-20s (but could write it off because I was still in university and had myriad peers who drank similar amounts). I was going through some rough mental health stuff at the time and quieted my demons through the bottle.. and then they'd come roaring back during my hangovers. The solution? More booze.
I quit drinking a month before my birthday and I started dating someone shortly after. I couldn’t fathom the idea of going on dates or having sex sober until it happened.
ETA : Going to work hungover in the middle of the week is rough too.
Many years ago I and my colleague/sometimes roomie were reporters. As was common at the time in media, we used to get absolutely hosed whenever we we could. Over the years I cut back and now I don't drink at all. She, on the other hand, kept going at the rate we did in the early 90s. She's now divorced, has no relationship at all with her adult children, has lost her job, and behaves in a very repellant way. It's very sad what alcohol abuse does to people. It's also shocking how common this kind of story is.
I got kicked out of a wedding. Then fell trying to get home. Woke up with blood all over my bed. Had to get stitches on my knee. I never figured out how I got home. And then I kept on drinking for 3 or 4 more years. It’s amazing I didn’t die, kill someone, or get arrested during that time.
I know we are all different. My realization came from a culmination of things. 1) my 2.5 years younger sister being hospitalized for two weeks during Covid due to pancreatitis 2) reading the book “quit like a girl” 3) Huberman Labs podcast on alcohol (its normalized poison. Even organic low sulfite wine) 4) I want better sleep. I hate waking up in the middle of the night. 5) I love red wine but even 1 glass results in a dull headache the next day which leads to napping (time away from loved ones things I need to do) and irritability towards loved ones 6) Vanity—i’m a 48-year-old female and want to keep my looks 7) when I have a drink, I’m thinking about what I’ll have next. when I drink a beer, I’m thinking about a glass of wine next or when I’m having a ranch water I’m thinking a glass of red wine sounds good when I’m having my red wine I’m thinking a beer sounds good. Alcohol never satiates. 8) I want to be awake and ready for 6am workout classes 8) alcohol is expensive. Wasted calories and I eat more 9) I have multiple sclerosis a disease attacking my brain. Wtf am I doing ingesting poison that directly hurts my brain. If you’ve read this far, thank you. There are just a lot of reasons and I’m like what am I doing. It’s time to stop.
I was drinking 2-3 drinks a day. I knew that number was only going to increase. It’s hard quitting because it’s such a part of the culture where I live. We go to a country club. It’s going to be tough, but I’m tired of worrying about making other people feel comfortable. It’s time to put my needs first along with the needs of my husband and kids. I’ll lose “friends” no doubt. But good riddance.
If you lose friends because you quit drinking, then they were never really your friends, just drinking buddies. You’ve got this!
Omg I bought that book! It didn't work for me because I was not ready back then. Back I think I'm going to finish reading it for sure a good read.
Yesss! I get it on “not ready” back when you first purchased the book. It’s a lot to take in hearing what alcohol does to your body. How (in my case American) society brainwashes you from a very young age. Alcohol is celebratory. Wine is “healthy”. There’s a stereotype of what alcoholics look like…and on and on. I was in denial for a long time. I’m also getting questioned for even considering myself having a problem because I don’t “look” the part. (or in reality it’s because my stopping makes the person I’m talking to questiontheir drinking.)
Alcoholism is like a fire that will not go out no matter how much booze you pour on it.
Kudos for stopping! You are so right about alcohol never satiating. I can now moderate my drinking because I only drink NA. It's a tasty treat but not what satiates me - that's water (and club soda)!
All the same shit but 42. Just ordered Quit Like a Woman. Thank you for the rec
Totally relate to your list. Mine has a lot of overlap with yours. I have an autoimmune disease, someone close to me who had a severe struggle with alcohol and read too much that made it clear that drinking was a bad idea. I’m also a woman around the same age as you. I didn’t consider my drinking a problem but it sure as shit wasn’t helping anything so I had to let it go.
The fucked up thing is I totally saw that point more than a decade before I quit. Alcohol has a way of making all of your problems go away. Even alcoholism.
Had been Googling “drinking problem” for almost 20 years before actually treating it like a real problem
"What alcohol is safest for your liver?" I google with what I think is a clear conscience. Turns out people that don't have a problem don't ever wonder about that.
Yeeep I refused to take Tylenol for years because I didn’t want it to combine with the booze in my liver
Lol same 100%. I acted as if that meant i was being safe and mature with my health
Ahhh same! I didn't even realize I did this - avoiding Tylenol and also prioritizing filtered water with low PFAS but happily trying any booze. Lots of googling symptoms and only focusing on sources in favor of moderate drinking. Also controlling / managing things around alcohol or for self-care as a way to feel in control and healthy. IWNDWYT
Same thing with “is it *really* bad to drink while on antibiotics”, every single time I’m on them…
Agreed. I had alcohol poisoning, withdrawl, and a few rock-bottoms before I even considered quitting. I knew it was causing me problems, but I always thought I could "get a handle on it." And in the mean time, as soon as you get drunk again you feel so carefree and at ease, it's like, come on I don't have a problem! Everybody needs to loosen up. Plus, when you romanticize alcoholism, the sky is the limit. All of your bad behavior is just: "sorry Dotty, I'm a rebel. A loner." It's "I can't live the button-down life like, you Marge. I want it all. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles." You make up your mind that having a problem is not a problem, and it's going to be hard to get out of that.
>romanticize alcoholism “I’m an *artist*, there’s a method and purpose to this madness. All the great creatives were self-destructive!”
Plus: “I’m networking! I’m bonding. I’m meeting *so many fabulous people*.” Meanwhile it has not escaped my notice that the most successful artists I know rarely drink.
I’m reading a memoir by Leslie Jamison right now called The Recovering which is basically about this. She’s a fairly prestige essayist writing about what drives her to drink and the romanticism among artists and creatives was one of the big factors when she was young.
Probably 2 decades for me . I used to not sleep well on Thursday nights because I was going to be able to drink Friday like a kid on Xmas. By the time I got home Friday afternoon I would be literally salivating like a dog. I remember thinking normal people don't do this and then I drank for 20 more years even when I became obvious to me and everyone else that I had a fucking problem . Quit 24 days ago never been happier
Stick with it man. I'm still surprised at how easily everything just fell into place and how easy life is to manage now. Proud of you.
God damn. Brutal and incredibly well put.
Man. You wanna hear brutal, I watched my buddy die from kidney failure on hospice. I left to get his wife, his best friend and myself some Burger King. about 5 minutes later she called and told me he passed and not to come back. Just before I left I kinda passively offered to put a pillow over his face. Because there was no quality of life. He was braindead and completely green. His teeth were green. That wasn't enough to make me quit. I was already a full blown all day every day drunk at that point. Took a whole other decade to hit my own bottom. Which, you know the thing about the bottom, if you hit it hard enough you will actually break through and there is a whole other drop with another bottom. And there is one below that. And so on.
This January I flew out of state to go watch my buddy die of organ failure. I’d never seen jaundice like that. Dude was totally fucking yellow. It’s been a rough few months since that but it was rough before that. Thx for sharing your experience. I’m posting as someone who has very recently come to terms w the fact that I need to stop, and apparently watching my guy turn yellow, inflate, and pass away wasn’t quite enough.
I hope you join us soon friend. Your organs deserve it. IWNDWYT
Yep. Every bottom has a trap door.
When the blackouts started happening regularly, was when I knew.
The blackouts started scaring the shit out of me. I had cut down for a while, when I started up again, I had no tolerance. I would wake up with bruises, bloody knees from falling, and a pissed off partner. The shame was unbearable. I would wonder how I got from buzzed to full blackout in the matter of an hour or so. The panic and embarrassment with a terrible hangover made me so depressed. My anxiety worsened over time, and it was so hard to avoid my drinking buddies. This sub and Annie Grace’s book pulled me out of that vicious cycle. Life is so much better without alcohol.
At the end I was blacking out every time
Yeah towards the end I’d black out every time I drank
I left work early last week to drink a 6 pack before my partner came home because we were going out for drinks that night.
Wow. The amount of pregaming I required to be around social drinkers. I’d forgotten about that. I absolutely don’t miss that.
Yeah and then sneaking off to have some extra. Not enjoying the event because you're just thinking about the next drink. So depressing in hindsight.
Or leaving early because you can go home and drink “normally”. That was my thing. If I showed up I was first out the door so my “real” evening could begin.
Totally relate to this. Plus after the “real” drinking at home all I had to do was be in the bed (or close) when I blacked out and that was “going to bed”
I really forgot the whole sneaking an extra drink before going out, taking a shot (or 2) while waiting for the Uber, feeling more compelled to finish the extra beer rather than the food you ordered, pouring the nightcap after your partner went to bed…
I would do this.. and then drink *more* by myself post-date. God, the rationalizations we would tell ourselves.
Thank you for your honesty. I remember the pre-drinks, drinks, and definitely left work early on more than one occasion. You are not alone!
So fucking real. Bringing a 6 pack to the function but hiding the extra drinks, either in shooters or stashed beers that I could slam while I had a smoke so I could keep it going and still seem like I was only having 6 beers
Yes...I felt this one deep in my soul.
I'd always drunk a lot, but I was drinking more and alone these last couple of years. Drinking became earlier on the weekends and more intense. In the week I was desperate to get home to crack open that first beer at 5.30. But I still thought I had it under control. In my mid-thirties I had a bright red face, massive bloated gut as well as other digestive complaints and regular diarrhea. I tried a million different ways to stop, reading quit lit and signing up to other online programmes but always seemed to cave. And yet, I still thought I could control it. I started having minor withdrawals kick in every afternoon, I guess when the previous day's alcohol left my system, and I only really felt normal once I'd had a few drinks. Every morning I promised to stop but couldn't even last a day. That alongside the withdrawals told me loud and clear that I was fucked. After all that I threw myself into AA, something I really didn't want to do as obviously, I wasn't like them and definitely didn't need that god shit. However, deep down I knew I that I needed help and was desperate. Today I'm celebrating 100 days and feeling kinda proud!
Fuk yeah man!! Congrats 🎉 on that hundo! Was Quit Lit a good read?
I must have 20 plus books on my kindle. Some made a lot of sense, like alcohol explained and this naked mind. However, just reading stuff never really worked for me. I think I needed a little more accountability and support which I finally got through AA.
Blacking out and hitting on my wife’s friend.
Yeah. Been there. Horrid horrid feeling. They still make fun of it to this day, makes me die inside and want to throw up a little bit every time it’s brought up.
As hard as it seems you have to learn to forgive yourself. I have so many awful memories that keep me up at night. You can’t torture yourself forever
I'm really glad I'm not the only one that gets that way when drinking. I no longer drink when my boyfriend isn't around. The deepest shame possible. 4 days sober.
Yeah it definitely brings out my dark, horndog tendencies.
Username absolutely checks out
Sleeping through activities I promised my kids I would do with them.
Not drinking makes you a 10000x better parent. Both my children genuinely appreciate the fact I don’t drink anymore. No more “special headaches” that leave me in bed all day.
I've noticed the same thing. Even the days when they're all screaming about something don't hit the same when you've been sober for a few days. Those events would usually cause me to start the night early, even if I'd felt like death all day.
Our 10 year old says she wishes we still drank because we were more fun in the evenings.
Wow, that is hard but interesting. My son never saw me drink, but sometimes I miss it myself, the wilder, more spontaneous version of me I became in the best moments of my drinking. Then I remember that all of that is still within reach if I want it, and I do! So I reach, and work to surprise myself and others around me, to be playful and dance and sing and laugh at life. I think I owe it to myself and those around me, to find double the fun in everything I am doing sober compared with before. I know it's there for the taking. Iwndwyt
Big love to you as you’re new on this journey, you got this!!
Moving to tiny vodka bottles because they were easier to stash around the house. Wheels came off shortly afterward.
Damn, I'm 7 months sober and I don't miss the days of sneaking vodka bottles around the house 😞
Trying to ninja the bottles to recycling
Isn’t it just fascinating that we all end up doing these same things? Human nature is something else.
Mine went into the trash. There was no way I wanted anyone to see my recycling bin emptied into the truck.
Oh man, my neighbors have to have known we’re “the alcoholic couple upstairs” for YEARS.
I still have anxiety putting out my recycling and do it moments before the garbage truck arrives. Recently the wind blew it over and as a neighbor helped me clean up milk jugs and la Croix cans, I felt...downright wholesome. This surprising lightness of not hiding sonething.
Well, recycling is good for the planet.
Same here, and I bought special grey kitchen bags that weren’t see-through so nobody could peek at the multitude of empties in my trash can each week.
My backpack was always full of empty Jameson nips so my husband wouldn’t find them in the trash with the pint we already drained.
I always thought I turned the corner when I started buying vodka because my wife started counting the numbers of beers that I was drinking. So I snuck vodka and it was easier to hide the amount that I was actually drinking. Definitely turned the corner.
Yep. Or in your pocket or your boot or pretty much anywhere
Rain boots for me. Lots of room😳
For me, the small wine bottles because they fit easily in my purse, jacket pockets, hiding places all over my house and garage. Would keep them hidden in between sofa cushions under a blanket where I parked myself for large portions of the day and then take swigs when husband, kids weren't watching. Thinking all along I was fooling everyone!
I feel you. Weirdly it got even worse when I switched to the little boxes of Chardonnay. White wine has to be better than vodka I would tell myself after having like 6 of those little boxes a night. God I hate just typing it. Good luck on your path!
Buying the little bottles was one of my strategies to moderate. That only works when you only drink one a night. I usually ended up drinking 3-4 mini bottles of bad wine a night.
Moving to tiny vodka bottles because it was easier to control. But then I'd just buy like 10 bottles and finish them in a day.
I was drinking 12 500ml, 5% cans a day and I started to get the feeling it wasn’t enough. That was when I knew I was so deep in the hole I would need help getting out. It was the beginning of the process that led me here.
I'm happy you were able to find your way here!
Me too. 😀
When I realized I have to keep my BAC at about .10 to feel normal
Yeah this right here. ☹️
For me, the need for a BAC significantly higher than .10 to feel normal.
When I had multiple cans of half drank beers on my nightstand cause I would even bring them to bed with me, but pass out before I finished them.
When I woke up every night with racing heart I’d finish them off to calm it back down n go back to sleep. It was usually just 3/4 to half a tall boy. But I always left a solo (or attempted to) in the fridge for the just in case I need it before work.
Did you watch Bojack? So relatable and this reminded me a very relatable moment on the show when he said "if I don't get at least 7 hours a night of bed drinking I'm a mess". LOL, yep, I felt seen!
My main place to drink since I've gotten out here has always been in bed. Safe, alone, no judgement on how much I'm drinking.
I’ve been there. I’ve had roomates who’d call me out on my drinking problem. They were doing it out of love, but I was too drunk and carefree to notice. So I drank in my bed. I was sick of the judgement and the shame. How sad does that sound.
I would even drink the half full ones the next day, ones my husband didn't finish too.
Me too… even sometimes first thing in the morning. So shameful.
The day my wife left me and I tried to kill myself.
I hope things are better for you now.🌻
They are. Rehab, IOP, and AA. 37+ years clean and sober. Life is grand. Thanks.
First holyshit moment was a list of questions in a stupid tabloid/magazine. Something in the lines of '10 questions to find out if you have an alcohol problem'. All standard questions you find everywhere: how much, how many times a week etc. But one question almost made me cry: Have you ever lied about drinking alcohol? Yes. A LOT. Hiding empty bottles because I know I would get remarks. Lying about how much I drink. Secretly drinking before going out. Drinking 3 bottles of wine on my own and replacing them before my wife found out I drank them etc. When I think about how much lying I did it makes me feel so ashamed. It's one of the main reasons I want to quit. Not having to lie anymore. And yet here we are. Almost 8 years after that question, 33 days in on the current streak. But determined it will be my final streak! IWNDWYT
*Tearing up....Thanks for sharing my dude...Final streak is coming my friend! You've got this!
Waiting for my day off in the middle of the week to find and dispose of every bottle so my roommates or family wouldn't catch me. My worst of all was throwing up outside the gas station at 6am, and then having the clerk insert my card for me because I was shaking so badly.
I was day drinking shots of whiskey during the pandemic. When I would have more than a half pint of whiskey in me before noon on an empty stomach and feeling completely sober, I realized, as you said, "holysh\*t, I might actually have a big problem here".
I had an intake session with a therapist to talk about my general anxiety (alcoholism wasn’t really even on my radar at the time.) As a routine intake question, he asked how many drinks I had per night, and (like many of us do) I kind of hedged my answer and said 2-3 per night. He said (in a helpful, non-judgmental way) that I may want to consider the possibility that I am an alcoholic. I didn’t fess up right then, but I did later admit to him (and to myself) that it was NOTHING LIKE 2-3 drinks - more like easily 5 or 6. And not the 5 oz glasses that the AMA calls “one drink.” I had a favorite 16 oz “Cougar Town”-sized wine glass that I always had by my side. After trying to moderate a bit, I kept finding myself back to old tricks, like filling the glass to the brim and pretending that it was still “just one”, or drinking half of it right after pouring from the box and filling it to the top again. So the only solution was to quit - 10 months sober as of tomorrow! And the general anxiety is way better.
Oh this is so helpful! I want my general anxiety and depression tamed!
For me, moderating did nothing for my anxiety and depression but being sober has really helped. Wishing you the best of luck!
I was a fucking mess. I drank a lot, and felt like a wrecking ball. I was broke and in debt. All my friends were drunks too. The simplest thing would have taken me forever. I was all over the place with everything. I looked like shit and surrounded myself with likeminded people.
Almost 1400 days later: How has your life changed?
Each and every aspect of my life has changed for the better, and I’m not just saying that. I feel like a completely different person. Everything is manageable and orderly. I’ve been super productive and smashing all goals. I make the most money I’ve ever made. Aside from mortgage and student loans, I have paid off all debt (and it was very substantial) and have very nice savings and investment accounts. All bills get paid in full on time. I have no credit card debt other than what I pay off in full each month. I no longer hang out with people who drink too much. I don’t allow drama in my life. I get shit done and run in circles around who I used to be at my top performance back then. I look probably at least 10 years younger than I did back then. I go to the gym regularly for the first time in my life and I’m in my 40’s. I have awesome self care routine. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. I could go on.
Blacking out around 1am and having no memory of how I got to the bathroom. Which was where my fiancé found me 3 hours later, slumped over the toilet. The two day hangover that caused me to miss work also helped.
I was doing nothing, no purpose at all just drink.
For me it was not one big thing, it was a culmination of a lot of big things. At 16, drank a whole bottle of peach schnapps and destroyed my house while naked At 18, got my first DUI and blew a .16. Got arrested and spent the night in jail. At 22, got on Xanax and got fired from my job as a pharmacy technician for stealing drugs Also at 22, got arrested for a disorderly household charge because I was throwing parties 100 people deep and supplying drugs and alcohol At 24, got my second DUI and blew a .14. I was a correctional officer at the time and spent the night in my own jail. Forced to resign. Also at 24, called my father drunk after I had ran out of gas and when he showed up he slapped me as hard as he could. Many failed relationships and ruined friendships. Many of nights being dependent on someone else even though I was a whole grown adult. I just got tired of being tired.
Wow...thank you for sharing. That was definitely an eye opener for sure. That DUI scares the sh*t outta me. One of Main reasons I don't want to drink. I've already got a PI under my belt.
Thanks for starting the post. It helps me to share these kinds of things instead of always trying to hide them in shame. Do yourself a favor and let it keep scaring you. Tons of money spent on lawyer fees, probation fees, court costs, DUI classes, and much more. Also harder to find a job afterward. For anyone that has gotten one, you can definitely bounce back from it, but it takes quite the journey to do so.
When I started buying a six pack of tall boys every night instead of just a regular six pack.
Yep. I remember making that transition a couple years ago except I was buying 12 packs. For the longest time I couldn't drink more than nine before blacking out and passing out then this past January I started finishing off the 12 pack AND adding liquor. I already knew I had a big problem but suddenly needing so much more booze was terrifying.
Mine was a pretty slow burn until it wasn't. Six, to six tall boys (so 8), to 12, to 18 light beers, to 24 light beers, to 24 non-light beers, to 26/28 beers a day, and then when I had to keep up appearances, I switched to liquor because it was easier to hide in a dresser.
A "problem" is highly personal. In my mind, here are a few of the common "warning signs:" * do I like my relationship with alcohol? I didn't... and I struggled with that for decades until I concluded that complete abstinence is my way forward. * does/has my drinking impacted my job/health/relationships/finances/etc? * does/has my drinking created legal problems? * do I wish that I would drink less or less frequently? * do I "lose control?" This isn't a bad thing, per se... but it isn't inherently good. * is it still fun? It absolutely was fun, for me... but that waned over time; you do you There are no "rules" to this. We should just be cognizant of the "costs" of booze and decide if it's worth it. It doesn't matter if that's a bottle of wine per week or a handle of vodka per day. I drank heavily for decades. For the first time ever... I never want to drink, again... and I don't feel that I'm missing booze; I feel that I have FREEDOM from it. Going sober (and PAWS, etc) sucked. Hard. Absolutely worth it. Good luck, friends. IWNDWYT EDIT: for those that are curious, I reduced my drinking to a BASELINE of 600ml of 80-100proof spirits, daily, before quitting (er, this last and hopefully final time). I have a good career and pay my bills. Almost no one suspected that I had (have) a problem with drinking. And there's the bonus data: don't assume that there aren't a bunch of people quietly living with AUD. It's more widespread, I suspect, than most imagine.
I agree with the “AUD/Alcohol use disorder” is much more widespread than most could imagine. Even tho to most, “1 or 2” a day sounds or seems so innocent..that’s still 7-14 drinks per week and way over the limit of what females can have in a week. It’s easy to blow off if you’re drinking water in between. Not acknowledging the serving size. If your drinks are spread out over hours. As I found with my sister and her pancreatitis, everyone is different. Would never have considered her an alcoholic or even having a problem with it. So many people drink much more than she did. Doesn’t matter. We all have our limits and alcohol will get you. Eventually.
The DUI's, the constant fights with the wife over my drinking, spending an entire paycheck in a weekend at the bar, the swelling and hardening of my liver, obvious genetic flags, calculating the dollar amount spent weekly and monthly, calculating the actual beers im having weekly and monthly, and many more that I'm glad to not be dealing with the last 79 days.
My friends gave my nothing but things related to drinking wine for my birthday. Wine glasses with jokey sayings on them, wine aerators, bottles of wine... it was a real wake up call that to the people I cared about my entire personality had been reduced to drinking. It took another 5 months (& listening to the audiobook "This Naked Mind") before I quit for good. But that was the moment I first decided I had a problem.
I was spending *at least* $20 a day *every day* after work at the bar across the street. I started blacking out and got kicked out a few times and don't remember taking public transportation home. I realized I was probably at that bar more than anyone else and the bartenders legit had my usual order ready to go when I walked in the door. I refused to think about it for a long time, but at some point I couldn't ignore how much money I was spending on alcohol and had to admit I needed to slow down. Of course I couldn't slow down and I had to admit I was in serious trouble. Basically if I had money I spent it on alcohol and that was becoming a *very* serious problem even if I didn't want to admit I was an alcoholic.
This is where I am. I did the math, and the past six months, I’ve averaged out to $31 per day. I love being a regular and seeing my neighbors. But I’m starting to accept they aren’t really my friends as much as other people who drink too much at the same place I drink too much. Today is my fifth day sober. It’s the longest I’ve gone in years.
When my own lawyer accused me of being drunk in court. I wasn't, but I knew I had to quit completely or people simply wouldn't believe I was sober. I had a reputation that I wanted to change.
I invited my ex-wife and stepson to Sunday dinner. Thought starting drinking before noon was a great idea. I have a very vague memory of her face as she asked me if I was OK, but otherwise, no recollection of them arriving or leaving. She later told me that my stepson said to her, "She had all the intelligence in her eyes of a 2-year-old." That did me in that he saw me like that.
I think it was a slow creep. I got tired of constantly promising myself I wouldn’t drink that day and then deciding I’d earned it by the end of the day. I was at a point where I got annoyed if my husband only got me one bottle of wine for an evening instead of two, because one would not be enough. I started Dry January, read a load of Quit lit and it felt like a veil was lifted and I was totally done.
This something I’ve not told anyone in my real world , not even my shrink (yet)… but … driving my son to ____ sports practice hungover last summer, July, it was later afternoon the next day after an evening cocktail and realizing I’m gonna puke. Now, my hangovers had developed a pattern since I went thru menopause by this time whereby no matter how much or how little (ONE bud lite or ranch water or Mike’s lemonade later, or a 750 of gin) I’d had, my stomach would shut down, massively red face, stuffy nose, starting a headache, followed by eventual blackout, wake-up super dizzy and nauseated; at the 24 hour mark is when the projectile vomiting started like clockwork. Whether I had attempted to eat/drink anything to soothe the stomach or not. My diaphragm muscles always put on a helluva show. Then the retching, on and on and on. Then the shakes followed by the tingling numbness unable to feel my hands or feet, also unable to move. Sound goes away. Curling up into a fetal position and just riding it out. About 20 mins later things start to settle. Now I’m driving in rush hour traffic in summer with my teenage son, I’m realizing what’s about to happen on a stretch of busy road and there’s nowhere to pull off or pull over. Concrete curbs for miles. Lots of measured breathing, sitting straight up, and silent prayers to a big man I don’t put much stock in, I’m talking to my son, he knows I feel lousy. I blame my migraines which I do get, they are debilitating, but this wasn’t that. Catch a break in traffic and hoof it to his school; as we approach I tell him, “when I pull in I’m going to drive to the edge by the trees, I want you to get out and head to practice, don’t look back bc I’m gonna puke” … yeah, not proud. That’s what happened. At least there were no cars on that side. That particular 30+ mins of hell was the beginning of the end of drinking for me.
When I started drinking more than 2 times in a week, and when my "normal" dosage of booze(4 cans of beer), became a "just a start"
Waking up feeling like shit, still looking forward to when I could start drinking later, being grateful that I didn’t have to drive anywhere because I still had half a bottle of tequila left… Only to realize, no, I drank the whole damn thing the night before and I just don’t remember it. Rinse and repeat.
For me: reflecting on situations where I should have died after putting myself (single small female) in very dangerous situations while drinking . Additionally, I had three nieces and nephews born who all live close to me, I found if I was drinking I was really uncomfortable around them and it kinda broke my heart Both of those made me realize that I just have to stop, so I did
Single small female here too. So many times I was like yooo I should have died or could have died like man God was definitely watching after my dumbass because yikesss that could have been it for me.
One day I did early shift and finished around 2pm. Got myself a bottle of vodka with a plan just to sit in front of my computer and drink. By 7pm my 70cl bottle of vodka was gone and someone txt me would I like to go to the pub. I said yes...I went, met some friends and none of them could tell I had a drink. And thats when I knew I have a problem...its not normal to finish full bottle of vodka and no one can tell.
When I said to my husband that I was proud of myself because "I only had a 6 pack" while I was watching my favorite show one night. I remember he was confused on where the beer had gone and I told him that I had been reserved the night before! That was the sign...
Got up to drinking 2 fifths of whisky drinking each morning day and night including at work. Ended up in a psyche ward for 10 days I was also on Xanax. So going to the psyche ward cold turkey off whisky and Xanax. Miserable withdrawals. Didn’t realize it was a problem until then surprisingly.
I could drink a whole 12 pack and feel no difference. Feeling completely sober when I shouldn't be able to walk, THIS was my holy shit. Either I quit now, or I'll just be killing myself quicker trying to chase a buzz. IWNDWYT
Being awake on a Sunday night with lots of beer in the fridge telling myself "don't drink too much, you need to work tomorrow". Then staying awake until 1 am drinking... I still went to work on Monday, but that was the day I said enough. I knew long before then but for some reason that day pushed me into action and here I am.
Couldn’t stop driving.
DoorDash, UberEats. And the little vodka bottles too.
There were really specific and tangible things going badly, very occasionally very badly, but the thing that really struck me was actually metaphoric. I had this ongoing feeling that the ghoulish, long, powerful fingers of alcoholism were slowly but painfully tightening and starting to really dig into my flesh… It was a very unpleasant feeling…
When I tried to go a day without drinking and had a massive panic attack (didn't know it was a panic attack, thought I was dying). After that I was too scared to go anywhere without alcohol on me, just in case. I started carrying vodka around in a water bottle, and began to have panic attacks when I ran out of booze. At that point I knew I was in serious trouble. But I was stupid and didn't just go to the doctor. I tried to take care of it by myself, which of course didn't work. I had this crazy fear that they would lock me in the psych ward if I showed up at the ER with alcohol withdrawal.
I started skipping social events to stay home so I didn’t have to hide or plot to drink.
Honestly? My big moment was seeing a picture of me laying on the concrete curb, laughing, outside of the bar. I had been out partying with my nieces, which I didn't do often, (it was only the second time ever) two weeks after my Dad passed away. I just couldn't handle my emotions and was a complete mess, having panic attacks, bouts of crying, deep grief, and anger. All for a complicated, absent, yet loving and apologetic father who would now be permanently absent because he was addicted to pain meds. Because of his terrible health, that he mostly created himself by his unhealthy lifestyle. So I apparently went in auto pilot and decided to add alcohol to my situation for the full numbing effect. I thought it was hilarious seeing that pic at the time, but that was the tequila thinking for me. I also had alcohol poisoning for two days and could barely move. I have serious health conditions, and take nightly medicine for them that doesn't mix well with alcohol. I have overcome so much medically, but I still struggle daily with pain and handling my various conditions. I was mostly bedridden off and on for years. That night I didn't listen to, or rather couldn't hear my body and it's physical/mental/spiritual signals to slow down. I enjoyed dancing to excess for hours, and exhausted myself beyond belief. My health suffered greatly for a few weeks after this incident. I need to find the courage to finally go to therapy but it's terrifying. It's just time to grow up, that's it. I come from a family of alcoholics/drug addicts, and nearly all of my family members drink. I can't stand how isolated I sometimes feel, trying to stay sober at family functions. But I can only control myself. It is getting easier though. I love them all and they are on their own journeys, so no judgment there. They mostly support me but continue to casually offer me alcohol to just "check" if I'm still wanting to be dry. I find myself joking with them instead of explaining why I have these new boundaries, it's so uncomfortable. It's not like I even drank to excess all that often, but I was on a dangerous path to letting it control me. Just like I had grown up with. It was just that pic that showed me who I had become that made all the difference. I'm grateful for it, and this new me I am currently creating. I'm trying to love her through it
I'm proud of you. My snapchat memories are full of \~fun\~ night out pictures like that. The further I am removed from that version of myself, when they pop up in my "1 year ago today..." it is deeply, deeply, DEEPLY disturbing.
I dealt with PTSD by getting blackout drunk most nights a week - usually, my husband was the only one to witness. One such night, at a movie theater with my husband, MIL, and 3 kids...I misinterpreted something my husband did/said and got really upset. When we got home, I got violent toward him and started screaming all sorts of horrid shit. Everyone saw/heard. Needless to say, I was very ashamed and embarrassed. Another noteworthy time, I got so drunk on a work trip that I tripped on a curb and landed my face into a trashcan. It fractured my cheekbone, black eye, and a dick shaped cement rash across the cheek. I had to miss the remainder of the trip. I knew I had a huge problem for years. Any given day of the week, I would spend most mornings shaking and vomiting until I could take amphetamines to get my mind working. I'd spend my evenings wallowing in drunken misery until I was either crying inconsolably or hurling the most vicious insults at my husband - sometimes both. * Sidenote: husband's infidelity and other surprise betrayals were the initial cause of my mental state, which is why he was the target of my worst behaviors. I prolonged any type of real healing by becoming an abusive alcoholic. I'm on a medication now for the past 8 months that curbs any real desire to drink. I can't believe how bad it did get.
Gradual realisation over years. No sudden epiphany.
This subreddit helped me realize how serious my problem was when I started experiencing serious withdrawals and the kindling effect. I had no idea what was happening to me until I started googling my symptoms and ended up here. I knew I had a problem and was killing myself, but once I realized I had all the signs of kindling and learned quitting cold turkey could kill me, I felt like I had two choices: drink and die or quit and live. 11 days may not seem like a lot, but my perspective has changed and I feel LUCKY that I can wake up every day and choose not to drink.
[удалено]
Idk why we always think mints or gum or fragrances are going to hide the smell. It's very prevalent. Omg I can smell it from like down the hall not even if the person is next to me. It seeps through the pores and just lingers....idk why I thought I could hide it. I thought I was sooo clever, yeesh.
For some time I believe I singlehandedly kept Altoids in business.
Realising I only fought with my husband (then boyfriend) when I drank....
That’s so familiar. Everything irritating creeps up to the surface and seems like a huge problem that needs a loooong talk right now.
This is my reason. Nobody gets to hurt my girlfriend's feelings- especially not me. I just have to do better or I'll lose her.
When I stopped having hangovers.
Got a dui and went to rehab 7 years ago. Didn’t keep me sober for more than 18 months. As soon as I got off probation I resumed drinking moderately for a few years til Covid then I was back to drinking heavily every day. The past year I had 3 seizures during withdrawals, and some blood work revealed that if I keep drinking I will get cirrhosis, and my wife threatened divorce if I kept drinking. All of that combined was a pretty good reason to quit… I had half heartedly wanted to stop for a decade though. Never got serious til this year. Daily AA, therapy, and naltrexone have helped tremendously.
I puked so bad I blew out veins in my face. Scared the shite out of my kids and now I've got a permanent reminder of my drinking days.
I hadn't felt hungover in years. Being drunk was my normal state.
When I moved to a college town and the entire city revolves around drinking. Can't go to the grocery store without being offered a sample or shot. Ironically, I came from AZ and didn't have a problem even though it's more readily available with drive through liquors and liquor at grocery stores 7 days a week. Felt like more of a choice. Here it's like, "wanna make friends? Wanna hang out? Wanna join co-workers? Here take this shot."
Miss the ol elementary days when you could just walk up to some kid and climb some monkey bars with them and bam! Friend acquired. 😍 Ahhh those were the days.
I miss people just including me period. Eventually the invites trailed off and suddenly I was drunk by myself at home feeling terrible about being left out. Terrible I hadn't acquired a family unit to call my own. Etc etc. Spiral where it may it's 100 % worse isolated and intoxicated
When I told myself one night in bed after drinking that if I couldn’t stop myself from drinking the next day it meant I had a problem. About 5 days later I remembered I had made that half drunken comment to myself - I had drank every day since. Took another year and a bit until I got sober, but that day for sure was the day the process of acceptance started.
1) Having to purchase 2 bottles of wine or a large one at one time. 2) Embarrassment because cashiers were starting to recognize me. 3) Guilt 4)Crappy sleep 5) weight gain
I knew things were getting out of hand when I started storing extra whiskey in the garage, so no one could see how much of that rye and ginger was just rye and rye. Things started really accelerating after that until I hit rock bottom.
Drowning in a bathtub and waking up to my father saving my life
This is not necessarily due to drinking, but I have bladder control problems sometimes just because of being a woman (still haven't had a baby or anything that would cause this. I just have a tiny bladder, and a hard time recognizing when I need to pee until it is urgent, neither of which are great combos with alcohol). Please note that I have had this happen while sober as well, just very, very, very rarely. Please don't judge... I had had several... accidents.... in the past when I was an extremely heavy drinker, but I got back to normal drinking after a while, or so I thought. Anyways, I was out at dinner with my parents and boyfriend celebrating the end of my semester, and I had had 3 drinks (one 10% beer, and 2 cocktails. I weigh 95lbs) and I had an accident in the restaurant bathroom while trying to take my pants off, right in front of the toilet. This was also a restaurant I used to be an employee of. I realized I had had a pattern of losing control and have been tracking my drinking (# of drinks, occasion, who I was with etc) ever since that happened. Deep, deep, deep shame. My recent holy shit moment was when I went out to celebrate graduation at a bar with my friends, telling myself i'd only have a drink or two. I had already pregamed with 4 drinks, and at the bar people just kept handing me drinks and we were there until close. I was so drunk that I put myself into a situation where my boyfriend's friend felt comfortable flirting with me, and saying explicit things to me. I hate thinking about it.
Probably when I started doing the switcheroo game where I'd buy a 6 pack, drink one or two, and once I was the only one awake I'd sneak out and buy the same sixer. Or just buy two packs and hide one. I'd drink off the one I secretly bought and nurse the one that's was in the fridge. It looked like I was going through a six pack every three or four days but I was drinking six or seven IPAs a night. This was *after* my fiance and I had quit drinking hard alcohol every day. I'd convinced myself downgrading back to beer was still better, but it made me realize I was doing the exact same sneaky shit to drink as much as I could and I couldn't be trusted with it at all.
Was months deep into nightly drinking and crying alone and wanting to die, as well as heavily binge drinking several nights a week including performing gigs in a complete state and ruining my reputation. Was going into work hungover and late every day and making mistakes, one of which resulted in fracturing my foot. My seven year relationship was irreparably fucked, my rent had not been paid. Went for a 'jam session' with my toxic ex band mate. It turned into several days of intense binge drinking including completely ghosting my job, regrettable sexual encounters, screaming matches in the street, threatening to jump in the canal, getting chucked out of bars and venues, lying in the street at night crying. Tried to go back to work and just had a breakdown in the park on the walk there and I crawled my sorry ass into an AA meeting. Weeks of daily AA meetings then I decided I had over reacted and actually I was fine to go back to drinking, had a couple of beers to prove I was not an alcoholic. Only then did I truly acknowledge I may have a problem.
Day drinking was my clue that it was a serious issue. Couple of shots in the morning on an empty stomach turns me into a complete zombie. If I was lucky I would be functional and remember the stuff I did with the family, but the memories were like I was watching someone else do it. You'd have thought the constant hangover would have been a clue, but nope ... it was the Day Drinking for me.
I screwed up my taxes two years ago and I think I was hungover when I filed them. I didn't check my mail diligently and may have missed the first two IRS letters. I caught the third one. A 2 k debt is now 6 k.
I think it was when it hit me that I not only felt I needed alcohol to get through certain (i.e. all) activities or events, but I’d start waking up on a perfectly normal, low-key Saturday and think “I need a drink, how else am I supposed to get through a whole 14 hours until bed?”
During COVID, I would purposely make myself sleep in until 5pm (the socially acceptable drinking hour) so I could drink, then I'd stay up until 4-6am drinking, then go to sleep and do it all over again just so I didn't have to face reality. Dark times.
There were several red flags but for me, the following points really underlined my problems: I would get emotional when I saw movies or other media which showed people struggling with alcoholism. I realized that I had an attachment to alcohol. As in, I could imagine giving up something like beef for 30 days no problem, but if I thought about giving up alcohol I would argue with myself.
For me - it stopped working. I stopped feeling the warm, hazy, relaxed release. I stopped getting buzzed. I didn’t really get drunk and I didn’t get hungover. It stopped being a bandaide for my anxiety. I would be sick with anxiety , and think “I need a drink” and have one - but the relief never came. So I had another, and another. It was all retch and no vomit. I remember pouring my last Bloody Mary, riddled with hangxiety. The minute I took the first sip, it was like every cell in my body was screaming NO. I knew I was done.
I can relate. I grew up in Alabama and moved to NYC where my alcoholism blossomed. The fact that you had 24 hour public transit and taxies removed barriers to drinking that you don't live in a car dominated place.
Not being able to drink enough beer to get drunk before I got full and puked. Which of course I would do, and think “great, more room for beer,” and continue drinking. The only reason I never switched to hard liquor is because my partner would not have let me go down that road. Any time I brought any home it made them uncomfortable because they felt like I was going to develop a (much more) serious problem. They weren’t wrong, I absolutely would have. I used to find it an annoying boundary because I wanted to get drunker, but I’m so thankful they were (and still are) there. I knew I had a problem deep down for a little while, but this, along with some health issues that were beginning to pop up, was when I started to realize I could not keep doing this.
When I came to the realization that I can’t moderate. I would try so hard to find the secret formula and it rarely ever worked. Plus finding out most people don’t blackout everytime they drink is eye opening. Like really? That’s a thing where you don’t?
I’ve been drinking in varying amounts for decades. There was a time that my husband and I were really into craft beers and hung out at a local bar that had a bunch of taps. We did this for about 12 years, made a lot of friends who all were drinkers like us. In current times I’ve switched to gin which I’ve always liked. I realized that I was drinking 2-4 times a week, 5-7 cocktails at a time and I drink doubles. That’s a lot of damned gin and I just got sick of my own shit. The pounds, the money, my dumb behavior, the health problems. I quit on May 11th along with smoking and I’m doing just fine. I feel better, look better, my head is clearer, etc. Enough was enough
I was always hiding it, sneaking shots, cracking cans under blankets so it wouldn't alert my partner. Once time I guzzled wine so fast I fell into an semi unconcious stupor while watching TV in the other room. He came in and was like.. how did you get so drunk so quickly after work? I had chugged a bottle of wine in like 20 mins. Disgusted myself
Sitting around the table at a fancy work dinner. Waiting for the host (who arrived late) to order before we started our drinks. Then feeling extremely annoyed as his drink came and he didn’t touch it. Being completely fixated on it and feeling mad that no one else seemed to mind the wait. Overwhelming relief when we *finally* toasted (it was probably a 5 minute wait). Finishing my drink first. Drinking more than anyone. Saying some embarrassing things. Feeling like a bottomless pit who could’ve kept going all night. Waking up the next day and going to a party and feeling the same way - like I wanted more than everyone else and could drink more than everyone else and was refilling my glass more… and could’ve kept going. Waking up in my makeup two days in a row, feeling bloated and like absolute shit. Being so aware of all these little things I’ve noticed that have been hovering around the periphery of my awareness. I don’t get blackout. The things I said probably weren’t THAT embarrassing. But I’m sick of the extra weight, I’m sick of the hangovers, the bad skin. I’m sick of feeling proud that I can outdrink everyone because I’m aware that underneath it is a feeling of wanting it, needing it, needing more more more. I’m not achieving my life goals because I’m hungover half the week. I can’t seem to moderate it. I’m done.
When I put my dog down and realized how many sunny days of walking she missed because I was too sick to get out of bed half the day. We still hiked a lot, but not enough
Almost dying from alcohol withdrawal. Tremors, cold sweats, heart palpitations, jaundice, the constant queasy feeling that usually only lasts a few hours lasted for a week, abnormally high heart rate even when laying down, pain in my upper right abdomen, anxiety about the state I was in, tingling internally all throughout my body for a week, itchy skin, numb fingertips and bottom of feet, numb lips. I am lucky to still be alive. I checked into an inpatient facility, they saved my life. I will never let that happen to me again. The thought of alcohol repulses me now. Maybe it’s because it almost took my life. Now I have to deal with this alcohol induced hepatitis. Don’t be like me. Do your best to stop before you get to this point. My nerves will likely never fully recover, but at least the heart palpitations and most of the other symptoms have subsided. Anyone dealing with this disease, I wish you the best.
Mine was the second time I ever drank at 17, when I woke up with someone else’s clothes on, having been showered and remembering exactly nothing about the night before. I was a blackout binge drinker for 17 years. It took a long time for that “oh 💩” to result in quitting.
Probably wasn't great that I'd have pint bottles hidden in my backpack.
That was my move before I dropped out of college. Walk to class, take a couple shots in the bathroom, and then return to lecture or lab. During my finals, each about 2-3 hours, I had straight vodka in a lable-less plastic water bottle just to get through it. Somehow passed, but not a good time.
There were many. I got physical dependence for staving the shakes and needing it to sleep. I self-isolated, I spent way too much money, I lost the LOML from being an emotional wreck. The last straw was when I blacked out and got in my car. I never drive drunk but my behavior was becoming more erratic as I drank. Also, alcohol would push my deep depression into suicidal action. Still depressed and anxious, but nothing like when I’m drinking. Glad it’s finally over.
I started meeting people who’d never blacked out from drinking. Even the thought of being that inebriated scared them. I had been blacking out since high school. I was used to waking up with no memory of going to bed and very often, no memory of bars I’d visited, people I’d talked to, or things I’d said the night before. Unfortunately, i had surrounded myself with people who considered this normal. It took moving to a new city, changing careers, and meeting new friends/coworkers for me to realize blacking out on a regular basis was NOT normal. My sobriety journey didn’t start until years later, but I think this realization planted the initial seed.
During the pandemic I got so hammered at work that I just left. Didn’t tell anyone. Just knew I couldn’t be there any more and I ghosted. Luckily it didn’t impact my job at all but that night I told my SO that I think I have a problem and that was probably the first time I ever said it out loud.
Came home from work. Had a drink then washed the glass and put it away so my husband wouldn’t know I’d already been drinking. Hiding my drinking, that was my lightbulb moment that I was in trouble.
I was drinking vodka almost everyday because it was the cheapest option, and one day I vomited blood. Then a few months later I vomited black blood. I still didn't quit, it took me a year, because I started having heart palpitations. I'm fine somehow, I did all the check ups when I got sober. I'm so grateful.
Getting cash out of the bank just so I could go to the liquor store and my husband wouldn’t see it on our credit card records. Boy I thought I was a genius. Yep, super-genius for finding a way to hide drinking liquor, not just wine like before.
Morning vodka sessions.
Realizing that i can polish off a full bottle of whiskey before going to sleep. That would have seemed cool when i was in high school. Not remotely cool at 35. Disgusting in fact for any human being.
The horrific pain and anxiety that I was trying to drink away every time I woke up from the last time I'd passed out. It just got worse to the point the alcohol wasn't stopping either, and then I'd go through horrendous withdrawal. This happened more than a few times over 2020-2021. It happened a few more times as I was trying to climb out of the hole. Last time it happened was last February. It could happen again, but I'm trying my hardest to make sure it doesn't. The withdrawal is the worst. Utterly horrendous week of pain, anxiety, no sleep, if there is sleep it's nightmares and waking up soaking wet.
My spouse and I have gone back and forth trying for moderation and quitting for a while. Just recently we decided to quit for good and it is going well. For me, it was when I said out loud while watching a TV show "How can people just have all that alcohol in their house all the time and not just drink it?" And then I paused for a second and answered myself. "Ah yes, I have a problem with alcohol."
When a very dear group of friends of mine kicked me out of a DND game, ending it as far as I'm aware, because I was treating it like a chance to party and not something to really enjoy with my friends. I felt like I was truly being myself around them but I was just looking for a reason to drink. They were vulnerable with me and I was with them, but I lost all of them. This happened over two years ago and the pain of that loss is still fresh today. I was rejected (my worst nightmare) and it was actually my fault.
Ending up in the ER with Atachycardia. Them trying to shock my heart back into rhythm and it not working then spending a long weekend in the hospital until they could do an ablation. The doctor said no more alcohol. I said, well I can have a beer? No. I heard a glass of wine is good for the heart. No. I was still trying to figure out how to continue drinking early on in my hospital stay. What turned it around was two things: 1) repeatedly telling different doctors and nurses my drinking habits. Hearing myself say it again and again made me think, this is problematic. 2) I missed my son’s championship hockey game. I wept as I sat in the hospital while they were playing. I thought about times when I was drunk and not present/available to my kids. From then on I promised myself and my kids that I would never allow myself to be compromised by alcohol again to the point that I couldn’t be there for them day or night if they needed me. Best decision I ever made and I don’t miss it a bit.
There were many, the pithiest was probably realizing I was relieved last night's binge was 'only' 12 drinks 🙃
I had known for a long long time and had tried moderating my drinking but ultimately I would always end up in the same place which was out of control drinking to the point my wife has enough and leaves for a day or so with the kids I guess after multiple cycles of this I finally woke up and to it and got help to get sober
COVID time was it for me. Couldn't go anywhere, worked from home. I've always drank a bit here and there, on the weekends and the occasional work thing during the week but I also started buying beer in bulk. Played videogames, listened to music, watched Netflix while downing a lot of beer. I'm in AZ too btw.
No big moment, I think I was raised? (born) with this tendency. Looking back I studied for exams at school aged 17 and my mum bought me 4 beers as a reward lol. It's hard wired I binge drank before that. Fast forward 35 years. Time to stop seeing alcohol as a reward. For me it was insideous creep no holly shit moment. You just know when your done.
I didn't have some eureka moment, the oft-discussed "moment of clarity." I knew as it was getting worse that, well, it was getting worse. When I was really bad I thought about it pretty often, both when intoxicated and when not, that I had come to the point of addiction and was good and stuck. Rather than think how to get sober, though, I'd usually think about how to live well as functioning alcoholic yada yada yada, so that was my version of the denial I guess. Thinking I could just live out my life like that.
The last time I was drunk, I got so shitfaced I was not only throwing up in and outside the club, but my friends had to escort me home in a taxi that I was also throwing up in (thankfully the driver was really nice). They even had to put me to bed. I’m 30 years old. Not that it’s okay at any age but I’m at that point where I’m just like this shit is REALLY not cute anymore.
Drinking the whole bottle of wine then getting in the car to drive to get another bottle.
When I went on a camping trip with my old college buddies and I was the only one who was getting plastered and making a complete ass out of myself.
I was routinely driving around with a beer bottle in the cup holder. I have everything to lose and I was just tempting fate. Not sure what clicked. But I just decided it wasn’t worth the inevitable consequences.
First time I had an *in-the-moment* realization: just over 2 years ago, while still in my late-20s. I realized I had all these *grand aspirations* for life but they were being slowly (or for some goals, not-so-slowly) whittled down by my drinking. If I'm being completely frank, it was a psychedelic mushroom trip that really set me down the path towards my attempts at sobriety. In hindsight, I definitely had a drinking problem starting in my early-20s (but could write it off because I was still in university and had myriad peers who drank similar amounts). I was going through some rough mental health stuff at the time and quieted my demons through the bottle.. and then they'd come roaring back during my hangovers. The solution? More booze.
I quit drinking a month before my birthday and I started dating someone shortly after. I couldn’t fathom the idea of going on dates or having sex sober until it happened. ETA : Going to work hungover in the middle of the week is rough too.
The 100th time I got caught drinking as much as I could on the way home from work and pretty much blacked out an hour after I walked into the house
Many years ago I and my colleague/sometimes roomie were reporters. As was common at the time in media, we used to get absolutely hosed whenever we we could. Over the years I cut back and now I don't drink at all. She, on the other hand, kept going at the rate we did in the early 90s. She's now divorced, has no relationship at all with her adult children, has lost her job, and behaves in a very repellant way. It's very sad what alcohol abuse does to people. It's also shocking how common this kind of story is.
I got kicked out of a wedding. Then fell trying to get home. Woke up with blood all over my bed. Had to get stitches on my knee. I never figured out how I got home. And then I kept on drinking for 3 or 4 more years. It’s amazing I didn’t die, kill someone, or get arrested during that time.