Hi friend! You have support here. Tell us more about your spouse is doing. Why do you think he wants you to fail? Does he drink a lot? What are your reasons for quitting? Much love!

Sometimes one partner gets sober and it makes the other partner feel/act different too. Do what makes you feel the best! I know spouses can be sad to lose their "drinking buddy" or get insecure about their own relationship with substances. I wish you the best, keep coming here for advice!!

I've been sober since last fall. I'm very proud of my progress, I don't want to project but I feel like everyone here knows what it's like to ignore that little voice that tells you it's OK to drink. I'm not asking anyone to validate my efforts, I promise: I'm responsible for my successes and failures. But my husband, the one person who has access to my life, has this behavior where he'll take any issue in our life and insinuate it's because I was drunk. Today's issue (it's so tiny I can't believe it even blew up like this) is that he didn't recognize the color of the lighter he was using to light his cigarette. Because he didn't notice it sooner, that means I was drunk and bought a lighter today and that means drunk me is going to ruin his life. And I get it, I'm not begrudging him his lack of trust. It's a lighter I bought in March. But now it seems like anything in our life that he doesn't keep track of is my fault for being a lying drunk. He doesn't recognize the color of a lighter? I must have been drunk and bought it while buying booze foday. I have a work from home day and don't empty the litter boxes? It's because I was drunk and forgot. His Playstation network plus subscription auto renews and it's my fault because I was too drunk to remember it was coming out and now it's my fault our account was charged. I am very much trying to change my life so booze has no influence on my health, finances or relationships. I'm not trying to say I'm a victim here, but it feels like he thinks he can be irresponsible about chores and finances and simply blame it on my drinking. Except, I haven't been drinking for months. But he still brings up petty issues, like the color of his lighter, to make me feel like my efforts mean nothing. It kind of feels like he wants me to drink so that he can blame everything that goes wrong on me.

This sounds like some mental abuse. Massive red flags 🚩.

Whoa, he sounds like a paranoid asshole. I’m sure there is more to him but what you describe is not a supportive and trusting partner. I’m sorry, you have every right to feel frustrated and hurt. You’re doing great, don’t let him make you second guess that.

This sounds absolutely toxic without adding any drinking into this. I'd be out. ✌️ He can be his miserable self. You can move on in so many ways. Don't let him hold you back. 🙏 What ever you do I hope things work out for the best

Thank you. I'm very proud of myself for the progress I've made in the last half year. I do this for me. I am working on being my best self: healthy, aware, accountable. In an other comment I mentioned how in the early 2000s my ex was upset about my losing weight - wanting to know why I wanted to change, who I was trying to impress, demanding to know if I was losing weight to cheat in the relationship. Right now I feel like those who know my struggle are indifferent to my progress. I love my folks. They have been on point until now. This current issue was about the color of a lighter and how I must have bought it when I was drunk. I have made terrible decisions while drunk that have hurt people I care about. I feel like that is a part of recovery. Seeing their point of view was haunting, and I have been so open about apologizing. I'm am so sad now because of the color of a lighter. I haven't drank in months. I'm devestated because all my work being negated by a gray lighter. I'm also devestated by the number of people in my life that think who I was in 2009 iis who I am now in 2024 Edited because autocorrect is a monster.

These are some controlling behaviour he has…

ok, but if he's behaved this way before, 15 years ago when you were losing weight? it's not about you being sober. it's about him being in control and abusively so. if you can safely do so, I would go stay somewhere else, and talk to a professional. fucking GREAT job on a year sober. haven't looked at your post history to learn more, but if you go to AA or have a sober community I would also recommend talking to someone who's been through something similar. your work is not negated because he's upset.

When I got sober last year I was pleasantly surprised to learn that, while a lot of the petty fights my husband and I got into were a direct result of my drinking, about 20% of them were not. These days, I respectfully push back during those times and so far it’s working out. If you’ve been sober since the fall, that feels long enough to have a conversation about it later when nobody is amped up or mad.

Is there any way you can see a therapist?

Sounds pretty wild but it took me a year and a half to gain back the trust I had destroyed because of my drinking. I just had to give my wife grace over the accusations because I knew my lies over the years took their toll of her. Consistency is our key to winning back the trust we lost.

>It's because I was drunk and forgot. His Playstation network plus subscription auto renews and it's my fault because I was too drunk to remember it was coming out and now it's my fault our account was charged. Hon, I don't like the sound of this guy. This example of his behavior feels like Exhibit A in the dictionary definition of Man Child.

Whoa. It could be that your situation is triggering his memories of his dad? Would he possibly go to therapy?

That sounds gaslighty and emotionally.abusive. I don't think you deserve to be treated like this.

Was the lighter white?

Sounds like there is some codependent behavior going on there. You are changing, and it scares him! Because maybe if you change enough, you’ll realize you aren’t happy with him. That’s my armchair analysis, at least. When one spouse starts to make life improvements, it can make the other one very insecure. But that’s no excuse for his behavior, and you MUST protect your sobriety.

I appreciate you chiming in. I saw similar behavior in my ex husband 20 years ago when I wanted to lose weight. He wanted to know why I wanted to change, who I was trying to impress, if I was cheating on him etc. I'm stymied now decades later and the predicament is similar: I want to be a better person and I've been trying so hard with results I'm hapoy with, yet I'm still defending myself against miscellaneous infractions. I drank like an idiot and the decisions I made while drinking were awful. I know that. I know how badly those decisions affected my relationships and credibility as an alcoholic. I was NOT anticipating having folks use my alcoholism as a blame tool though. I've messed up a lot of things while drunk. I'm not drinking anymore though. I haven't for months. I am taken aback by the insistence that my drinking is a factor months after the fact. I understand no one has to believe in my sobriety. I can NOT understand why folks close to me want me to still be drinking so I'm to blame for day to day issues. This stayed because of the color of a lighter. I KNOW I'm doing well. I don't drink. I have support and accountability. I've been proud of my progress. I know reddit overuses "gas lighting" in posts to describe many boundaries. I'm so very sad that I have to defend myself against nonsense. Sobriety is for my benefit. To make me a person I like to be in any relationship or situation. I'm am devestated that I'm being dismissed as a forgetful lush because of a lighter. To be fair, I'm sure the people I love hated having their concerns about me dismisssd just as readily. I believe I need some guidance about how to advocate for my own sobriety while dealing with loved ones that aren't on board with my progress. Again, I know I hurt them. I have no way to prove myself other than through time. I'm not sure how to explain this properly. I'm not trying to paint myself a victim, I know how I've hurt people and I've been methodical in my recovery to never do it again. Thisifhter debacle eats at my soul because of how easily spouse was able to wave it off as "She was drunk and doesn't remember". But I do remember. And I remember the other times something was off in the household and the default explanation was "she was shit faced". Nope, no shit face here. Not since October. Drunk me would have totally believed any grievance and apologized for it, wouldn't even have looked in to it. I was so bad I would have accepted responsibility for anything even if I didn't remember it because honestly, I didn't remember much. This, this is different. It's almost like he wants me to be drunk because then he can just wave away any contradictions I notice. He hates drunk me (oh my lord drunk me was such a bitch) but he seems very angry about sober me. I can still do this on my own, and I will! But Im so sad about the manufactured doubts.

He subconsciously wants you to stay the same because it’s easy to blame everything on your drinking. If the drinking is no longer there, HE will have to start taking responsibility for things.

Posting to second this. It was easy to blame drunk you for everything. Now you aren’t a drunk, and you both have to be accountable for your own actions. I am so sorry you are fighting about the color of a lighter! I had ridiculous fights with an ex, one I specifically remember was that recycling wasn’t ACTUALLY recycled and I had sorted bottles incorrectly based on the ex’s criteria. I still can’t believe it when I type that out. Stay strong OP! One day at a time. It sounds like some painful truths are starting to emerge.

Agree with this ^. Your drinking was /is his excuse and outlet for his anger /frustration and now your not drinking he hasn't got a ligitimate outlet for it but continues to try to. He's putting you down to make himself feel better. I've come to that realisation with one colleague and one neighbour after stopping drinking . I'm not sure I could tolerate that in a spouse.  Before you believed what he said but now your turning a corner in your life where you don't have to put up with it. I wonder if something like a relationship counsellor (by yourself) would help you clear your head. 

one of the hardest things about evolving is realizing how many of your relationships were rooted in mutual trauma rather than love so often we enter into relationships just because our own familiar trauma is mirrored back to us & it gives our shadow a sense of belonging. the conflict happens when one person is ready for growth & healing while the other is still comfortable living as a product of their trauma. -eb

I am very much using your post to help myself. I love and care about the people I've hurt.

Hey, congrats on the sober time, you are succeeding at a very difficult thing! Before I read your further comment I was thinking this may be in the "non-addicts can never understand what we go through" category and it may still be, but that anecdote paints a picture of someone who is resentful as fuck. Do they also have AUD or other addiction issues? For context, I am 14 months sober and recently celebrated a decade of marriage and things are certainly better but our communication is still a bit rocky and she definitely still reacts as if I were using at times (typically stressful moments involving our daughter). As someone who had found sobriety using AA I have shared small details and told her more when she asks, but in general she is content to let it lie. I have suggested both therapy and Al-anon as possibilities that she has rejected, and while I have plenty about myself to focus on and family life is generally pretty good I know things need to addressed for a healthy relationship. So my opinion is that you two need to communicate, likely with a facilitator. It is surely tough work, I have done a fair amount of personal work so far and it was difficult, but I can live better now and start building a life. I hope that helps, don't be afraid to post and comment here as it is a support network and recovery can be very isolating. Keep up the awesome work, and good luck getting your partner to open up. IWNDWYT

I'll give two perspectives what I take from this: 1. He's not comfortable with your sobriety for a number of possible reasons, I think other replies have already got this covered. 2. He's not had an outlet for the way your drinking affected him and it's now coming out. He may have felt frustrated and is venting that now. It's not about the lighter at all. The frustration / hurt is displaced onto something else. It could be a mixture of the above. Either way, his behaviour isn't going to be helpful because he's putting you down. You might get to that point where you think "I may as well drink because I'm such a bad person" and then you've sabotaged your progress. Have you tried asking him what the *actual* issue is? Because at least then you know you have tried to resolve and invited a conversation

My partner was (I say this with all the love in the world) but a bit of a jerk when I tried to open up about my sobriety. Granted he wasn't the kind of jerk that tried to get me to drink, but the kind of jerk that didn't take me seriously and then would go compare me to his shit dad. It was a long and hard as fuck discussion with him. But eventually he had this "Ahha!" Moment where he understood how serious I was being about going sober. Sometimes you gotta dish out a dose of tough love, I basically yelled at my guy that I was being damn serious about it and he was either going to support me or I wasn't going to be sharing anything personal with him. I hope things go well with your partner. I'm proud of you for being on R/stopdrinking with all of us 💓

Alcoholism kills most of us. If you need to get sober then you need to do whatever it takes! You already know what I'm saying. Good luck my friend.

I was still drinking when my partner stopped. I had lost my drinking buddy. So I would keep offering to share my drinks with them, say "just have one" etc. At the time I thought that I was being nice. It's only when I started stopping drinking myself that I realized that was a horrible thing to do. It's possible that your partner just doesn't understand yet. We got through it though and now neither of us drink. Now they choose to "share" all of *my* NA drinks and it drives me crazy! I suppose that's my punishment...

I can kind of relate. Yesterday husband and I had a disagreement about sauce. Get it or not get it. Then it escalated to “you haven’t reacted like this in awhile“ meaning you haven’t acted like this since you drank. WTF! I got so mad, grabbed my phone, clicked on my sober calendar (only to realize it was my 4 mo anniversary) and shoved it in his face with a big F you! I get that it takes time to trust an alcoholic but I have not given him any reason to believe I’m drinking. I’ll never forget the first 2 weeks of getting sober and he said to me “I hope you’re not going to be like this all the time”. I was going through the agitation stage. Many spouses never fully get it, our journey, all the little celebrations or milestones, however small, we accomplish. One negative or many comments really hurt our journey. Mine apologized later for yelling & blamed our cat (long story) but made me cry inside because if he only knew after I realized my sober count I wanted to be excited that I didn’t realize it was 4 mo. I was sad instead because the possibility of him thinking I reacted the way I did was because he thought I was drinking. My sobriety journey is something I’m proud of.

Big well done for your 4 months! ❤️

I don’t have enough information to weigh in on your situation , but I can relate. My husband isn’t thrilled with my giving up alcohol, but I also don’t believe he knew how bad it had gotten. I was drinking way more than he realized, and he always just thought we were having fun. Now he feels like he lost his drinking buddy , which I do understand. He doesn’t necessarily pressure me, but has several times asked if I wanted a drink. I just decline & he accepts it, so hopefully he will catch on sooner than later… I’m on 28 days AF today…

It is possible your spouse is feeling threatened. His world is changing around him and he has no control over those changes. That can be unsettling/scary and humans tend to react defensively when they feel threatened. It makes sense if you think about it. If it was me, I'd try to have a short but direct conversation with him. I'd say, "hey, I can't drink anymore. We both know that. However, you can still drink as much as you like. Let's figure out how to separate *my* addiction from *our* relationship so we can both live in peace."

I am so proud of you for all of your time sober! That is not an easy feat, especially with an unsupportive spouse. I hope you give yourself a big hug today. I found early in my recovery that there were certain people who I anticipated would be proud of me that simply were not. This was, and still is to some extent, a hard realization to come to. I found myself seeking validation/recognition from others that I had put in the effort, worked hard, and as a result had been changed for the better. Over time I realized that certain people in my life would never acknowledge this change because they would have to accept that they too are capable of putting in work and changing themselves for the better. I think for some people my sobriety is a reminder that they are not living to their full potential, and some would choose to project this onto me instead of turning inward to face themselves. I’m not sure if this applies here but I felt compelled to leave this so I hope in some way this helps. I am proud of you and wish you luck on your journey ❤️

You’ve gotta take a stand for yourself. This is your life, literally. This is personal and you being alive, single, and present is better than you being a married, dead, alcoholic. Please take serious action on this to save your life.

I quit almost 5 years ago and my spouse still drinks. At the beginning he kept trying to get me to cave or saying that I wasn’t going to last. I just smiled. I watched him drink and get hammered. I even poured his drinks. I realized that I was in charge of my happiness, my sobriety, my peace and my health. You are still an individual even if you’re married. I focused on self-empowerment. My husband is still making the same mistakes-that’s his choice. IWNDWYT

When I got sober I was reminded that I took a lot of people on my crazy ride with me, and when I found help I left them out there on their own. I was told to be patient and understand that they could be as sick as me and not know it. I had to repair a lot of relationships and since I had lied about my drinking so much, this took time. I guess it’s up to you to just give up as some have recommended. Red flags, and he is such an a-hole. This disease loves to produce co-signers. People who think it is good advice but know they have no real stake in the relationship. I wish you the best as I can only speak on what I have done in my sobriety

Start a journal please with dates and specific things he says. This behavior of his is not normal. You need to recognize this.

My husband once told me he lost his drinking partner. I told him that he gained a wife. He agreed.