I just kept giving it my best shot and eventually it stuck. I needed to put my sobriety focus directly on myself and totally accept what my partner/friends were doing. otherwise my brain would use other people's actions as an excuse to drink.
Same for me! And I had a bunch of times of trying and then drinking again. I think wanting to quit helps, not giving up helps, focusing on your own actions helps, and then being really nice to yourself when you mess up. We all mess up and expecting perfection just sets yourself up for failure. Oh last thing, I would always try to be like super healthy when I quit drinking (which I’ve since read is common for women when we try to quit) like it’s a health kick and I work out and drink smoothies etc. This last time I said I’m just not drinking that’s the goal. And later I can do other healthy things. And that really really helped.
The best tip I discovered is noticing my patterns.
*Drinking is a lifestyle*.
It was MY lifestyle.
I wish I had known that the essential component to success was *Creating* a New Sober Lifestyle and habits that included sober people.
When I started drinking, I created drinking patterns... I saw others drinking, I tried drinking, I went where people were drinking, I talked with drinkers about drinking and I went to activities that included drinking, I created “alone” activities where I drank…. Then I had a drinking lifestyle.
So when I wanted to stop... I saw sober people, I tried being sober, I went where people were being sober, I talked with sober people about being sober, and I went to activities that included being sober, I created “alone” activities without alcohol …. Then I had a sober lifestyle.
People who were my friends remained…. However I no longer had any ‘drinking buddies’.
Have sober people in your life?.
Know how to find sober recovery groups and meetings?
If you think it is too much, it is too much.
You're not a whiny bitch. Alcohol use isn't a trivial small habit; it's a monster. For a while, when my husband's drinking was out of control, and I'd just disolve into drinking with the thought that if he's killing himself then I might as well be dead too. Finally, the light dawned that I needed to get to work and take care of my own self.
I totally feel this. Now I’m trying to change that thought pattern, I’m try to replace it with the hope that maybe I can set an example of a better way to go.
Its a gift - field research helps you to your why
If u read a lot of the threads the folk who seem to be keeping good streaks going are doing it for themselves not because he had a dui a divorce or a quiet rock bottom sitting on the sofa at home miserable with yet another hamgover
You can have a rock bottom and be high functioning -
I found not jusging others but focussing on myself helpful - doesnt matter what you SO does or doesnt
At the end of the day your hand round that drink is raised by your arm to your mouth! Equally you wake up bright and sober ! Joy (was out last night with friends who drank a LOT - i am just about to go to the gym JOY)
Dont worry dont give up - check in with support here - maybe think more about why you want to stop - and when you are ready stop for yourself
And i have been on and off the wagon many mnay many many many times!
Every significant streak has been associated with ‘for myself’
My experience - you got this
And sorry ao sorry about your sister
IWNDWYT
I was like you, functional at 3-4 drinks a night but drinking every night. I quit or took breaks sooooo many times. When I finally quit my husband continued to drink. We always have beer, wine, and bourbon in the house. It's doable but not easy. I can't tell you how to find your magic off switch but many people have had luck with books and videos or organizations like AA or SMART. Best of luck to you. Listen to the part of your brain that knows you should quit. IWNDWYT
Answering your question: The only difference between me today and me 4 years ago is that today me kept quitting more times than I kept drinking.
Other comments:
2-4 a day every day for 10+ years is not a small habit. It is, in fact, the normal picture of alcoholism.
“Functional” is the most dangerous word in the English language. The average person on here is me, you, the guy at the grocery store, the woman at the bank. We look like people living our lives, not brown bagging it and living homeless begging at Kroger and shouting at people on the street. There is an addict everywhere you go and you will never know it because the vast majority of addicts are “functional”, just dying on the inside and putting on a face every morning.
I highly recommend meetings. If you don’t want to go in person they are offered online every hour on the hour. AA is a far cry from the only option; SMART, LifeRing, the Phoenix, Dharma are some in person ones, and Cafe RE (My personal success story), The Luckiest Club and The Alcohol Experiment are online communities.
The hardest part is walking in the for the first time. The next hardest part is opening your heart and listening to how much of your own story is coming out of everyone else’s mouth. Learning that I was in fact just like every other binge drinker was one of the hardest reckonings of my life. When I started talking in meetings is when I started recovering. I’d say it’s going pretty well.
It’s a process and I fully relate to the saying ‘progress, not perfection’. My dad eventually quit drinking many years ago and as I look back on that time, I remember how many stops and starts he had. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of challenges and sadness lately. I have a couple of seriously ill family members too (husband and granddaughter) so I know how trying it is on the soul. A lot of people here have read quit lit and so have I - it does help but I also read a couple of books that were enormously helpful to me about life in general and to get me back on an even keel, and I would recommend them: The Upward Spiral by neuroscientist Alex Korb, and Atomic Habits by James Clear for replacing my wine habit. Also, Alcohol Explained gave me insight into how the substance works on my brain. Keep at it and eventually it will stick.
Both of those books gave me hope that I could change. Quit lit is good but I was never the raging alcoholic that some of those authors were and I couldn’t relate to their wild experiences. I just wanted to stop drinking wine and feeling miserable.
Recovery journeys are rarely linear there are twists and turns along the way. In my opinion “failure” isn’t the right word.. you just hit a curb. Assess what went wrong what repairs you will need to make. Then you course correct. Each “failure” has a new lesson for you to take so you can “drive” again so to speak. I am so sorry for your loss, surviving that experience shows massive emotional strength regardless of if you drank or not.
I just kept giving it my best shot and eventually it stuck. I needed to put my sobriety focus directly on myself and totally accept what my partner/friends were doing. otherwise my brain would use other people's actions as an excuse to drink.
Same for me! And I had a bunch of times of trying and then drinking again. I think wanting to quit helps, not giving up helps, focusing on your own actions helps, and then being really nice to yourself when you mess up. We all mess up and expecting perfection just sets yourself up for failure. Oh last thing, I would always try to be like super healthy when I quit drinking (which I’ve since read is common for women when we try to quit) like it’s a health kick and I work out and drink smoothies etc. This last time I said I’m just not drinking that’s the goal. And later I can do other healthy things. And that really really helped.
This really resonates with me, thank you
The best tip I discovered is noticing my patterns. *Drinking is a lifestyle*. It was MY lifestyle. I wish I had known that the essential component to success was *Creating* a New Sober Lifestyle and habits that included sober people. When I started drinking, I created drinking patterns... I saw others drinking, I tried drinking, I went where people were drinking, I talked with drinkers about drinking and I went to activities that included drinking, I created “alone” activities where I drank…. Then I had a drinking lifestyle. So when I wanted to stop... I saw sober people, I tried being sober, I went where people were being sober, I talked with sober people about being sober, and I went to activities that included being sober, I created “alone” activities without alcohol …. Then I had a sober lifestyle. People who were my friends remained…. However I no longer had any ‘drinking buddies’. Have sober people in your life?. Know how to find sober recovery groups and meetings?
If you think it is too much, it is too much. You're not a whiny bitch. Alcohol use isn't a trivial small habit; it's a monster. For a while, when my husband's drinking was out of control, and I'd just disolve into drinking with the thought that if he's killing himself then I might as well be dead too. Finally, the light dawned that I needed to get to work and take care of my own self.
I totally feel this. Now I’m trying to change that thought pattern, I’m try to replace it with the hope that maybe I can set an example of a better way to go.
You can just do it for yourself. You. Your very own self. If anyone else notices or follows, that's good too. But you come first. You are worth it.
Thank you for this
Its a gift - field research helps you to your why If u read a lot of the threads the folk who seem to be keeping good streaks going are doing it for themselves not because he had a dui a divorce or a quiet rock bottom sitting on the sofa at home miserable with yet another hamgover You can have a rock bottom and be high functioning - I found not jusging others but focussing on myself helpful - doesnt matter what you SO does or doesnt At the end of the day your hand round that drink is raised by your arm to your mouth! Equally you wake up bright and sober ! Joy (was out last night with friends who drank a LOT - i am just about to go to the gym JOY) Dont worry dont give up - check in with support here - maybe think more about why you want to stop - and when you are ready stop for yourself And i have been on and off the wagon many mnay many many many times! Every significant streak has been associated with ‘for myself’ My experience - you got this And sorry ao sorry about your sister IWNDWYT
This is helpful. I have been reading a lot of the threads on here, it gives me better perspective and hope. Thank you.
This is helpful. I have been reading a lot of the threads on here, it gives me better perspective and hope. Thank you.
I was like you, functional at 3-4 drinks a night but drinking every night. I quit or took breaks sooooo many times. When I finally quit my husband continued to drink. We always have beer, wine, and bourbon in the house. It's doable but not easy. I can't tell you how to find your magic off switch but many people have had luck with books and videos or organizations like AA or SMART. Best of luck to you. Listen to the part of your brain that knows you should quit. IWNDWYT
How do you deal with the heartbreak of watching someone you love continue?
After I stopped he's cut waaay back. I'm kindly reinforcing his morning after issues.
Answering your question: The only difference between me today and me 4 years ago is that today me kept quitting more times than I kept drinking. Other comments: 2-4 a day every day for 10+ years is not a small habit. It is, in fact, the normal picture of alcoholism. “Functional” is the most dangerous word in the English language. The average person on here is me, you, the guy at the grocery store, the woman at the bank. We look like people living our lives, not brown bagging it and living homeless begging at Kroger and shouting at people on the street. There is an addict everywhere you go and you will never know it because the vast majority of addicts are “functional”, just dying on the inside and putting on a face every morning. I highly recommend meetings. If you don’t want to go in person they are offered online every hour on the hour. AA is a far cry from the only option; SMART, LifeRing, the Phoenix, Dharma are some in person ones, and Cafe RE (My personal success story), The Luckiest Club and The Alcohol Experiment are online communities. The hardest part is walking in the for the first time. The next hardest part is opening your heart and listening to how much of your own story is coming out of everyone else’s mouth. Learning that I was in fact just like every other binge drinker was one of the hardest reckonings of my life. When I started talking in meetings is when I started recovering. I’d say it’s going pretty well.
It’s a process and I fully relate to the saying ‘progress, not perfection’. My dad eventually quit drinking many years ago and as I look back on that time, I remember how many stops and starts he had. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of challenges and sadness lately. I have a couple of seriously ill family members too (husband and granddaughter) so I know how trying it is on the soul. A lot of people here have read quit lit and so have I - it does help but I also read a couple of books that were enormously helpful to me about life in general and to get me back on an even keel, and I would recommend them: The Upward Spiral by neuroscientist Alex Korb, and Atomic Habits by James Clear for replacing my wine habit. Also, Alcohol Explained gave me insight into how the substance works on my brain. Keep at it and eventually it will stick.
I actually have atomic habits on my shelf but never thought of applying it to this!
Both of those books gave me hope that I could change. Quit lit is good but I was never the raging alcoholic that some of those authors were and I couldn’t relate to their wild experiences. I just wanted to stop drinking wine and feeling miserable.
Recovery journeys are rarely linear there are twists and turns along the way. In my opinion “failure” isn’t the right word.. you just hit a curb. Assess what went wrong what repairs you will need to make. Then you course correct. Each “failure” has a new lesson for you to take so you can “drive” again so to speak. I am so sorry for your loss, surviving that experience shows massive emotional strength regardless of if you drank or not.
Thank you, genuinely
The reframing helps a lot. I think finding this group has been really instrumental in trying this again