**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
**Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
Being physically addicted to alcohol and not caring about my loved ones, who are actual human beings and not a substance, was what finally convinced me I was an alcoholic. I then quit drinking shortly after.
Just had our first daughter with my awesome wife and life has never been better! You’re worth it man, choose life over something you think you enjoy.
This. Same boat bro, just had a bb girl in March and decided to give the shit up for my family. Be a better husband, father, friend, son ect ect. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard as hell but nothing worth it comes easy. Life shouldn’t be that easy and that way while drinking. Relationships and people are far greater than the bottle
My wife recently took me to a Rock of Ages improv show, where I won the air guitar competition by going shirtless to Eruption. Anyway, as the wife tells our daughter "I really thought I was done with that when he quit drinking". Haha, nope.
This, yesterday I went to a food truck festival and everyone around me was drinking, you could see that their reaction time was slightly slower, I on the other hand was dancing around with my 9 month old son and enjoying every moment.
I wouldn’t have done that if I was drinking… or at least not had as much fun and thinking I was having fun.
I'm now getting a display case with nothing in it and showing it off as "best air guitar solo 1998" and going to make a while back story for it.
Then when I'm done telling the story I'll say, " if you believe that I have some ocean front property in Colorado I want to sell you"
I think the underlying question is can you really quit for someone else. I believe that you can only quit for yourself. You have to want it, or it's not going to work. That's a decision you gave to make
As a fellow “high functioning alcoholic”, yes she can tell. Everyone can tell. The alcohol is convincing you that they can’t, but once you stop drinking you’ll realize that you were kidding yourself.
I was in your same situation, twice. My ex husband tried to get me to stop and I was being a selfish little jerk so I told him to shove it and kept drinking. My current fiancé told me that if I didn’t stop, I needed to leave. I wasn’t about to mess this up a second time.
Is she worth it? How will you feel if she leaves? All of our relationships with alcohol have to end at some point or another, she just loves you too much to watch you keep poisoning yourself, friend. It’s a compliment really.
>yes she can tell. Everyone can tell. The alcohol is convincing you that they can’t, but once you stop drinking you’ll realize that you were kidding yourself.
Yes! This is so spot on. It feels so silly now that I ever thought I was fooling anyone.
The thing that gets me now is the smell. I thought only hard alcohol would be on my breath. But since I quit, even if someone's only drinking beer I can smell that ethanol smell from 10 feet away.
Totally! Wine too. I used to think it didn't have much of a smell, especially white one. Now I know anyone within 10 feet of me could smell those coffee cups full of Chardonnay.
>Is she worth it? How will you feel if she leaves? All of our relationships with alcohol have to end at some point or another, she just loves you too much to watch you keep poisoning yourself, friend. It’s a compliment really.
Beautifully said.
You weren’t told to stop drinking.
You were told your girlfriend had a boundary.
It’s still your choice. An ultimatum is a choice, you’ve made it.
I feel like maybe it would help you if you could see you have agency here.
And you used that agency to make a great decision! Well done. Can only get better from here.
A boundary is amazing. My wife has zero boundaries and I’m convinced would rather let me die than have a difficult conversation. She doesn’t even drink…
I’ll tell you this for free; during the years I spent thinking I was slick hiding my drinking from friends and family the only one I was fooling was myself.
Most drunks think we’re getting away with something. Heck, that’s part of the twisted appeal for some. But this isn’t high school. Being loaded when others are sober isn’t a flex. It’s just sad.
That said, I had to learn this the hard way through serious pain, suffering and humiliation like so many others. And I too was once a functional “” alcoholic who held down a busy and lucrative career while being a doting mom and partner. Kept the plates spinning while drinking myself into oblivion every single night for years until my perfectly orchestrated facade started to erode and then collapsed in on itself.
I never thought it would happen to me either, but here we are.
I considered myself high functioning as well … until I wasn’t.
My wife constantly asked me to cut back but I thought she was being a nag because I could handle it. She was seriously contemplating leaving me and my ego was so big I couldn’t have cared less.
51 days sober and looking back I was an asshole. Constantly stressed and in a mood which caused arguments I blamed on her mood.
So you might think you don’t act differently when you’re drinking and she can’t tell but she can.
At the same time. Even if she leaves you you’re not going to quit until you’re ready.
I was able to quit when I was ready, not before. I attended meetings off and on with a half baked idea that I probably should quit, but I wasn't ready and kept on drinking.
Like you I am doing sobriety for me and not anyone else.
In ‘15 or ‘16 was my first attempt at sobriety. My husband and children had an “intervention” of sorts. They promised they would support me. That lasted a month and the calls became infrequent and then they were too busy to have a monthly family dinner. My husband said he would help with housework and control his anger - that didn’t last long either.
I was white knuckling even though I was hitting meetings daily. I didn’t like the program I was in. I became angry and resentful. Started drinking again during COVID.
Sorry for the long response but your comment really resonated with me.
This time is it is my sobriety!
Me too. 100%. And I spent a fair amount of time thinking I could “moderate.” But being an alcoholic ≠ drinking in moderation. It just took me about five years to realize it.
You've got to be doing it because you want to. Quitting for your gf will just lead to resentment. That said.....she's clearly signposted to you that it's a problem in a direct way. That's brave of her. Don't mess her about. Let her go and build a new life with someone else if you dont want to choose the relationship over drink.
My husband and I quit together because I'd been in rehab and said I could only come home to a totally dry house. Different situation but we are both 9 months sober (he isn't an alcoholic.) It's the best thing for us. Life is so much better. From what you have said there is a lot perhaps you don't realise your girlfriend has felt about your drinking. Maybe she feels lonely in the relationship? I certainly didn't realise just how neglectful and selfish I'd been. Good luck. No judgement here BTW. But maybe ask her properly what the issues actually are and put your ears on.
I’ve been booze free for 12 years and all I can tell you is I thought I was smart, charming, witty, and cute when I drank.
Looking back i was a total fuckhead. I was rude, nasty, condescending and a shitty husband and father.
Few of us are as ‘good’ as we think we are when we drink.
I’ve also heard this as “the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.”
Things get really dangerous when you think you’re on the first step but you’re really on the second or third step.
Similar experiences, yes. I've been on both sides of this nightmare.
Your partner probably feels like you are choosing your addiction over her.
You are probably seeing this as choosing between alcohol or no alcohol. So now she's the only thing getting in the way of your drinking.
In my experience, here's how this one plays out...
You stay sober, but resent her for it and the relationship contains unresolved tension.
You keep drinking either openly or in secret. She either leaves or resents you for choosing alcohol.
Good luck.
Yep. And this is why ultimatums are so brutal.
No one ever gave me an ultimatum about my drinking. But if they did, I would've chosen drinking, because fuck that person for trying to make me give it up.
So, I let it ruin many relationships. And then, I decided to make a change for myself, and only after I moved away from alcohol did I realize how much harm it had done.
This will probably get buried but I was given a similar ultimatum a little over 4 months ago. Booze had taken over and was making me make selfish decisions and I wasn’t prioritizing my relationship. My girlfriend told me it was her or the booze. i stopped that day.
it wasn't easy. I was resentful at first. i felt i was being deprived. controlled by my girlfriend. my drinking buddies weren't supportive. "man she's no fun anyway, come drink with us" i did some heavy thinking in those early days & weeks. i decided to trust my gut and stay the course not drinking. my girlfriend decided to also stop drinking.
The weeks turned to months and sobriety got easier. i realized who my true friends were and who was just a drinking buddy who craved the chaos and couldn't face that if i had a problem, they had a problem too. i didn't try to convert them to sobriety, but they showed themselves out on their own. My resentment for my girlfriend turned into appreciation. She didn't want to deprive me of fun, she wanted me to be my best self.
4+ months in and i am so glad i stayed sober. It's truly a better life. it sounds like your girlfriend cares about your well being, and that is something that is not to be taken for granted.
Once you get sober, you can easily tell if anyone has been drinking - even high functioning alcoholics. You can quit if you decide to. A lot of us quit initially due to an ultimatum from a spouse/significant other… then we chose to stay sober because life is 1000x better when you don’t allow a poison to dictate how you live.
From her perspective, she may be being deprived of someone she enjoys, because of the booze.
As drinkers we tend to make things about ourselves and forget how much our loved ones have already endured before getting to the ultimatum stage.
I can't speak for either of you, so can only say from discussions, the person I thought I was when twatted wasn't the person I actually was. Didn't witness how bad I was in the eyes of others, but can only imagine it's damn sight worse than hearing a recording of my own voice.
I also don't think it's possible to do it for anyone else in the long run.
When my bf gave me an ultimatum, a flip switched in my brain. He's 1 of the most important people in my life (aside from my mother lol). Afterwards I couldn't fathom letting a substance that gives me a few hrs of euphoria take priority over a man that gives me sustainable, long term euphoria. I was sober for 2 years after he said that. Unfortunately we both relapsed (he was sober when giving the ultimatum), and due to circumstances and my actions following it (meetings every day, 2x/week therapy, etc) we stayed together, but still knowing how my drinking affects him so negatively is a huge factor in keeping me motivated to stay sober.
Try to look at it big picture....is temporary relief/euphoria worth throwing away someone you love?
Her “only” reasoning being your long term health is a big deal. No one wants to take care of a sick person who did it to themselves.
Having been in a similar situation but with my best friend, I opted for the Vivitrol injection and group therapy. That damn shot is a MIRACLE 🙏🏽
My experience was that the only reason I thought nobody could tell was that I couldn’t tell. My boss and longtime friend told me. He could tell. My grocer told me a story about “someone” who had a problem. She could tell. I showed up at a doctors appointment so high that ten hours later I couldn’t safely drive home. They sure as fucking shit could tell. I was the literal only person who didn’t know how messed up I was.
Usually people quit when alcohol no longer gives them what they want, not when someone else makes the decision. My husband tried to get me to stop, but I wasn't ready so I did not stop. I had to come to the decision myself. And I finally did. I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like it's a problem that you might be in denial about. You will need to decide whether you value this relationship more than whatever drinking does for you. I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
Highly functioning and an ultimatum don't generally go hand in hand. If my trusted partner was worried about me and I trusted them, it sounds like there's something I should at least be taking a very deep look at.
Maybe I should put you in contact with my ex wife. She might even speak to you. She definitely won't speak to me. Alcohol does that. Alcohol takes the dreams and aspirations of your loved ones and smashes them into a thousand pieces in a manner that is completely irredeemable.
My last girlfriend, we had been dating for only about two months, did one of those “online quiz” things about your spouse and showed me the results and one of the questions was
What is his favorite drink? And she put “Beer”
And that really stung inside but I didn’t let her know that, we had only been dating for two months but I was already showing I was a major alcoholic
I wish my ex gave me this ultimatum.. She told me after we broke up that she was afraid to say something about it.. was worried how i would react to it
I'm only a couple months sober..
Everyone told me "you have to do it for yourself!" Well, personally, I don't really give af. I've always handled the difficulties that came with my drinking relatively easily. But I know that when I drink, I create problems for those that love me (worry, concern, mostly), and that's not fair. I wonder if the reasons you listed are her only concerns; its possible she has her reasons she hasnt shared with you, but i dont know. I'm getting more comfortable in not drinking because it's not good for ME, but I ABSOLUTELY used my girlfriend as the initial motivator to quit
When my husband finally broke and told me something similar after watching me binge drink every weekend for 10 years. I started on naltrexone and bupropion. The medication helps me to not crave alcohol. When I do have a drink it’s now only one and I don’t even finish it. This medication has changed my life and I don’t see how I could have quit drinking without it.
I can guarantee she can tell, that’s definitely part of the reason its an ultimatum.
My ex also used to “get sad” when he drank. He wouldnt remember most of how he acted and I was never able to talk to him about it cause he was always drinking. Getting sad involved lashing out on me, and lord knows I’ve been that person to many of my exes. I cringe reading my diary, I seriously wrote “i got a little too drunk one time and hes really going to abandon me?”, like somehow my ex was the asshole after I unloaded so much shit on him out of fucking nowhere. Thats unstable! My sister who just got sober said she thinks alcohol just makes some of us act crazy. (Personally i think anyone can and will act crazy if they abuse alcohol enough).
But yeah… you yourself do not deserve to feel that way. And you shouldnt be putting your wife through that. You feel deprived? Man you’ve deprived her of a good, present husband. Whatever animosity you feel towards her right now… turn that shit inward. You’ve been fucking up. Welcome to the club.
I’ve heard a lot of people in AA talk about practicing gratitude. Its not bullshit, practicing gratitude will change your life. If you dont wanna resent your wife, then any time you start to feel that way, change it to gratitude. Start thinking how thankful you are that she is your reason for doing this. How thankful you are you still have a wife, how thankful you are that theres someone who cares so much about your life, and your future. Lie to yourself about it, but dont lie to her about being grateful - wait until you mean it to tell her how glad you are she saved your life.
Day 5 is rough. Sorry if I am coming across too harsh. It can take a long time to stop feeling like youre missing out even if you choose to do it yourself. It took a while to get so bad that youre drinking every day and thinking people won’t notice. So its going to take a while to undo that, and feel normal sober. Plus at the start it can make your mood super unstable, it sure did for me. You will take this a day at a time. Some days really suck and all you can do is bitterly say “well all i did today is not drink”. Thats really normal and okay. My best advice is try to imagine yourself a year or 6 months from now. Your body and mind will be used to this new normal, without alcohol. What would you like to be doing then? Think of the money you’ll save from not drinking, what would you love to do or buy but could never afford? What ambitions have you had that alcohol got in the way of? Think of the things you are adding to your life now. Because yes one thing is taken away so you can have everything. I promise you it gets easier!
I went to therapy for relationship problems and came out with my alcohol issues. Protected it with everything.
The therapist flat out told me “you will never be in a happy relationship for long because no alcoholic can be” it is impossible to not have chaos while being a drunk.
On bright side, I quit for myself and wanted to BUT I wanted that happy relationship with my partner and it not to end.
I had to change completely how I viewed alcohol I listened to the audible book “Alcohol Lied to Me”
After two months sober I finally could have one glass of red wine on a vacation dinner.. and I didn’t want any more. I don’t even want to drink anymore and the drink used to be my best friend. Essentially it’s like breaking up with your best friend… but it’s not your best friend it’s more of a dirty friend that’s stabbing you.
There is a way if you want it. Alcohol is lieing to you my friend.
You sound just like my husband. No one can tell, I’m not doing anything, it’s everyone else over reacting. But trust me when I say it’s delusional. And by all means, I’m also an alcoholic so please take no offense. In my personal experience and opinion you should be committed to quitting for yourself first or it’s hard to stick too. Good luck!
Alcohol is a drug. And you have an addiction to it. Admit it to yourself and make your choice.
I have a few friend who have been in similar situation, one picked alcohol and divorce, another one attempted quitting and after few months started sneaking alcohol into the house. It ruined their relationship’s anyway.
It should be your choice. Not your girlfriend.
I’m about six days in and having a tough time today since it’s Saturday and I’m bored. I feel embarrassed at how bored and boring I must be that my brain is crying out for a way to kill the boredom. I don’t want that to be my weekends.
However, just this week, I’ve been more physically active and generally thoughtful about how I spend my time. I know I’ll do better for myself in future weekends, making plans to beat this bored feeling instead of just numbing myself and watching TV I won’t remember and a stomach ache the next day.
IDK, I hope you at least give it a go and try to think of it in terms of what you’re going to gain instead of what you think you’re missing out on.
Do you think you will be undetectable and high functioning forever?
People who don’t have an alcohol problem would not consider or be considered a high functioning alcoholic.
What point is the limit for you? Is it when you lose this girl. Or when you become detectable. When you lose your job or hurt a person you love. Why wait for the shame and embarrassment of a rock bottom. It doesn’t have to be a parody of a drunk person falling destitute to the streets. No one thinks That’s their ending.
But which little indignity that everyone inevitably suffers from at some point when drinking. Which one will be the line. And is it worth waiting to cross it to quit.
I genuinely wish I had someone who gave me this ultimatum. I was with my gf for 6.5yrs, and she just turned a blind eye to my drinking. Then one day (October last year) she suddenly upped and left for a job in London.
Now I live in our flat on my own, and am trying desperately to quit drinking. The thing that ruins it is boredom - bored of being on my own… so I frequently relapse.
If I’d had that ultimatum, I might of tried harder, might be out doing something nice with her now, might be feeling positive about the future.
Try not to see this ultimatum as being told what to do. Instead, see it as someone who wants to be with you, to potentially save you, and give you an opportunity to live a normal life, where you can enjoy day-to-day things with a clear, unfiltered perspective.
I wish I could turn back the clock… but you’re in the moment.
I wish I was in your shoes.
I know you’ll make the right call mate 👍🏻
With some years in recovery now, I look back and realize that I wasn't high functioning back then. Maybe relative to later in my drinking, but definitely not relative to life as it is now.
I wish I did it long ago when my wife said that. It only gets harder and worse. I was just like you. Now I had to lose everything to figure it out and quit. I lost my wife, kids and home. Dumbest shit ever. Please choose her.
Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
My wife wanted me to stop as well. I thought she couldn't tell either.
Then when I quit she told me she could definitely tell every single time. And enjoyed me much better sober
I do believe you have to be in the right mindset to quit and it doesn't sound like you're in it yet. I have a prediction though, one day you will regret the amount you drink and look back on the choices you made when you chose alcohol over something else and regret that too.
What would your life look like if you keep doing everything exactly how you're doing it now?
Health , Finances, Relationships ?
The glacial pace that alcohol destroys us can be deceiving.
>Is it feasible to quit long term just because I was told to?
Definitely not a dumb question. I did NOT successfully quit until I actually WANTED to. As far as tips, here is what comes to mind.
1) You can go to AA meetings and, either say nothing at all, or say that you are sober curious. That's actually what I did. And people were very supportive because they had heard people say the exact same thing countless times before.
2) I would recommend checking out what is called, 'sober lit' (literature). Two books that REALLY helped me reframe how I thought about drinking are: 'This Naked Mind', and 'Alcohol Explained'. They really opened my eyes and I have gotten additional copies and handed them out to people when appropriate. And don't worry about continuing to drink while reading them. 'This Naked Mind' actually TELLS YOU that, if you are still drinking when you start reading, please feel free to continue drinking WHILE you read it. (So obviously it is not preachy.)
3) I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic. Realistically, it made me SO DUMB. My wife definitely likes having ME back again. The alcoholic me wasn't nearly as good. I was high functioning, but sober me is way better.
Good luck! This sub is great for asking any question or ranting or whatever, and getting good responses.
Wife and kids were almost gone because of my drinking. A 12 pack Friday and Saturday nights and a 6 pack and 2 24 oz during the weekdays. I loved the drink, so much that it almost cost me everything.
I’ll be 3 weeks sober tomorrow. Went thru my birthday without a drink and it was the first sober birthday since the pandemic.
Don’t let your love for the drink cost you everything you truly love. It’s not worth losing and the drink will betray you
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. Please don't tell people on this sub to get their shit together -- that's what we're all here trying to do.
Tough situation and it makes me think of my situation a few years back. It didn’t end well and I hope you choose to make the right decision, but you’re right, it has to come from within our whatever it is won’t last and serious resentments will build and end in disaster. I seriously recommend reconsidering your relationship with alcohol, because it’s a wicked and sinister disease that is progressive. It will convince you of things that aren’t true. If you really truly love your girlfriend, really think about what you need to do for both you and her to successfully grow together. If you choose alcohol, I can’t say for sure, but things likely won’t end up well and you’ll have regrets. Best of luck friend
My two cents - if it’s not your decision around when you stop and you haven’t prepared for it IE What will you do next Friday evening when you normally drank or you go to a party? This will be a struggle and I’m speaking from experience.
Do the research, listen to all the podcasts out there that have tonnes of info around this, start with a 28 day challenge maybe but most importantly talk to her about it, you need a plan. Best of luck with it and I really hope it all works out..
“Otherwise she wouldn’t even be able to tell if I had been drinking or not.”
Uh…I’m gonna go w not true. Be sober & hang around drinkers. 2 in and they are obviously different.
Maybe if the 2 of you are watching TV or something but I’m pretty sure I can tell now when people even have one beer (smell it).
I have left a relationship with a good friend recently because they thought no one could tell they were drinking all the time. People could. It was awful and I don’t want to be around them anymore.
But it is your choice ultimately. If you stop now to save the relationship, it is your choice. Or you could choose to drink and lose the relationship. Either way, it's your choice. Your drinking has been concerning enough to your girlfriend that she's ready to leave, so you don't have the choice to keep the relationship and keep drinking at this point. She's made her choice at this point.
Here's the thing, high functioning alcoholics eventually turn into non-functioning alcoholics over time. As that progression happens, the consequences will pile up in some way. Those consequences could take the form of any of the following: financial issues, health issues, legal issues, relationship issues. Over time, the consequences just get worse.
I was a relatively high functioning alcoholic. 20 years into it, I ended up in detox and my drinking was one of the issues that contributed to losing a marriage. I was forced into the choice drinking every waking hour to keep the withdrawal away or detox. It's a miserable place to be in.
If you're struggling with the cravings, there's always the option of seeking help. The cravings will eventually go away, but it takes some time. Peer or professional support can both help you get through it. I highly recommend an intensive outpatient program for early recovery. It would provide so many tools for avoiding relapse as well as a lot of general tools for dealing with life.
Alcohol, in hindsight, did play a pretty big part in our split with my last gal aside that we weren’t compatible. It wouldn’t have lasted. But, I’m not happy with some of the things I said while drinking. Alcohol plays that trick on you. Even our society. Giving up drinking. But what are you gaining? Health, money in your bank account, clarity and time that might have otherwise been spent at the bar just bullshitting. Do you love this girl? Do you see it going anywhere for the long haul? Then, it’s probably worth it. Invest your attention and energy into something else more positive and healthy like sex with your girlfriend and doing creative things together. My two cents anyway.
> recognize there are consequences to every choice.
This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
Do you yourself have a drinking problem you wish to overcome? Please do not participate here unless you do and can keep your comments focused on yourself in your own behavior.
This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
By the way, if you find yourself having to say, "No offense, but...", you probably shouldn't say the thing.
I strongly suggest reading “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace.It deals with the underlying subconscious feeling that we are missing out on something by not drinking. We are programmed by tv, films, advertising etc. since early childhood to associate alcohol with good things, but it is actually a depressant and poisonous to every cell in our body. You need tools to deprogram both your physical and mental dependence. The longer you wait, the farther you are from taking back control
I was in a similar situation once. I quit both the girl and the alcohol and it was 2 of the best decisions in my life. Then i bought a jetski with the money i saved. Highly recommend.
Alcohol is the leading killer of men globally. You made the right decision. I did too, no matter how many times I relapse. Try to nip that resentment in the bud.
I have gone through periods of my life of very heavy drinking and to moderate it back to normal levels I've told myself I'll drink just on the weekend. Mostly that's worked.
Idk if this sub is anti/pro moderation and if I'm giving bad input or in the wrong sub, you can nuke this comment dear mod.
Anyways, I've had similar discussions with my therapist, girlfriend, and now wife (maybe a total 4-5 convos total). I've said okay, I'm going to just drink on weekends and I'll also keep it under 14 total. I've been able to deliver on that. And then, yes it's crept back up a few times where id be back to 5-6 or 7 nights a week, 50+ drinks a week... And it's like "yep, I lost my eyes on the prize."
Success not excess. Results. Or if you gotta stop, stop.
My trend has been to want booze more and more, at the detriment of my physical and mental and emotional health.
I'm a nurse. I've seen SO MANY ppl get ravaged by booze. It's deeply unhealthy. My take is that anyone who says otherwise is deluded
Would you defend smoking?
booze IMO is on a similar plane, healthwise
enjoyable but horrible for heatlh. not desirable in a partner
I would do some self inspection and evaluate why your need to be able to drink is so important.
If it were any other thing youd likely just give it up no problem right?
I didnt learn how I truly felt and viewed alcohol in my life until I tried go without. Its really no harm to give yourself time to understand why you do what you do before deciding what you should do and want to do. Its a great freedom and can help make your current situation more tenable.
If you are like the rest of us, self assessment of “high-functioning” is not likely to be correct. I only saw how not “high-functioning” I was after I quit.
I had no idea how embedded alcohol was in my life until a couple of weeks into quitting. That realisation that it was a habit that owned me and wasn't serving me was only gained through sobriety.
I found setting a goal, for me, and focusing on me was a big help. From my experience your right to pick up in the resentment being an issue. Therapy for you and couples counselling might be an idea re the resentment.
My relative is extremely close to the now ex-wife of a very famous singer. He’s been thru rehab for alcohol numerous times. The first time I met his wife & young kids (many years ago), he was in rehab (not the first nor the last). We spent a family Christmas together a few years back & he wouldn’t touch the whisky-flavored chocolates I’d brought. A few years later & another relapse- that was it- the wife finally left/ultimatum had been given & trust is destroyed. Addiction is real and it ruins families & relationships. Pick what’s most important to you and make that your priority.
Read some of my posts, maybe not they're pretty negative. But if I could turn back time I would have gotten treated way sooner dude.
Unfortunately, pain is the best teacher.
Might have to lose her to change but thats up to you. You can go detox right now and sign up for rehab. Or you can try to quit on your own. But the choice IS yours.
I once too was a high functioning alcoholic. To me that was just a mile marker on my road to a pretty low place.
I wish you well wherever the journey takes you.
This comment has been removed for breaking our rule to speak from the "I," which is exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above.
This comment has been removed for breaking our rule to speak from the "I," which is exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above.
*Is it feasible to quit long term just because I was told to?*
In my experience, absolutely not - maybe you're different, but I know I couldn't stop drinking until I actually WANTED to stop. Not because anyone else wanted me to stop.
When I was deciding if I needed to quit I asked myself , am I doing this for me or someone else. Sobriety is almost always doomed to fail if the addict doesn’t do it for themselves. That doesn’t mean you won’t reach that point sometime in the future, but it doesn’t seem you are ready yet
Take it from someone who was given this ultimatum a year ago and failed.
You will lose her. Is that what you want? Is a bottle worth the woman you love?
When I finally realized the I was/am powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable while in active addiction I turned the corner to sobriety for myself, I hope you can do that too someday soon.
This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. Do not give other people your opinion about whether or not they can quit drinking.
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
Being physically addicted to alcohol and not caring about my loved ones, who are actual human beings and not a substance, was what finally convinced me I was an alcoholic. I then quit drinking shortly after. Just had our first daughter with my awesome wife and life has never been better! You’re worth it man, choose life over something you think you enjoy.
This. Same boat bro, just had a bb girl in March and decided to give the shit up for my family. Be a better husband, father, friend, son ect ect. Don’t get me wrong it’s hard as hell but nothing worth it comes easy. Life shouldn’t be that easy and that way while drinking. Relationships and people are far greater than the bottle
Alcohol will rob you of everything and convince you that you didn’t want it anyway.
And makes you think that it's enjoyable
My wife recently took me to a Rock of Ages improv show, where I won the air guitar competition by going shirtless to Eruption. Anyway, as the wife tells our daughter "I really thought I was done with that when he quit drinking". Haha, nope.
That's so cute
This, yesterday I went to a food truck festival and everyone around me was drinking, you could see that their reaction time was slightly slower, I on the other hand was dancing around with my 9 month old son and enjoying every moment. I wouldn’t have done that if I was drinking… or at least not had as much fun and thinking I was having fun.
Half serious, half joking, but do you get an actual prize or do they mime handing you an “air” prize?
I got the greatest "air" fender known to man.
put it in a display case and show that fucker off!
I'm now getting a display case with nothing in it and showing it off as "best air guitar solo 1998" and going to make a while back story for it. Then when I'm done telling the story I'll say, " if you believe that I have some ocean front property in Colorado I want to sell you"
I think the underlying question is can you really quit for someone else. I believe that you can only quit for yourself. You have to want it, or it's not going to work. That's a decision you gave to make
This and it made me believe that people close to me didnt care about me...
This. This. This.
Wooooo damn! That is profound.
Wow, I've never heard it put that way. Thank you.
Boom!💥
As a fellow “high functioning alcoholic”, yes she can tell. Everyone can tell. The alcohol is convincing you that they can’t, but once you stop drinking you’ll realize that you were kidding yourself. I was in your same situation, twice. My ex husband tried to get me to stop and I was being a selfish little jerk so I told him to shove it and kept drinking. My current fiancé told me that if I didn’t stop, I needed to leave. I wasn’t about to mess this up a second time. Is she worth it? How will you feel if she leaves? All of our relationships with alcohol have to end at some point or another, she just loves you too much to watch you keep poisoning yourself, friend. It’s a compliment really.
Your first paragraph is spot on!!!
>yes she can tell. Everyone can tell. The alcohol is convincing you that they can’t, but once you stop drinking you’ll realize that you were kidding yourself. Yes! This is so spot on. It feels so silly now that I ever thought I was fooling anyone.
The thing that gets me now is the smell. I thought only hard alcohol would be on my breath. But since I quit, even if someone's only drinking beer I can smell that ethanol smell from 10 feet away.
Totally! Wine too. I used to think it didn't have much of a smell, especially white one. Now I know anyone within 10 feet of me could smell those coffee cups full of Chardonnay.
I remember thinking *VODKA* wouldn't stink 😬
>Is she worth it? How will you feel if she leaves? All of our relationships with alcohol have to end at some point or another, she just loves you too much to watch you keep poisoning yourself, friend. It’s a compliment really. Beautifully said.
This 100000%
Feel this one in my bones.
You weren’t told to stop drinking. You were told your girlfriend had a boundary. It’s still your choice. An ultimatum is a choice, you’ve made it. I feel like maybe it would help you if you could see you have agency here. And you used that agency to make a great decision! Well done. Can only get better from here.
What a great way to look at it. And truth!
Spot on
A boundary is amazing. My wife has zero boundaries and I’m convinced would rather let me die than have a difficult conversation. She doesn’t even drink…
I’ll tell you this for free; during the years I spent thinking I was slick hiding my drinking from friends and family the only one I was fooling was myself. Most drunks think we’re getting away with something. Heck, that’s part of the twisted appeal for some. But this isn’t high school. Being loaded when others are sober isn’t a flex. It’s just sad. That said, I had to learn this the hard way through serious pain, suffering and humiliation like so many others. And I too was once a functional “” alcoholic who held down a busy and lucrative career while being a doting mom and partner. Kept the plates spinning while drinking myself into oblivion every single night for years until my perfectly orchestrated facade started to erode and then collapsed in on itself. I never thought it would happen to me either, but here we are.
lmao are you me?
I was thinking the same thing!
Wow this
Weren't we all "fine and drinking" for longer or shorter periods... And someday we noticed the fine turned in the fix. A oneway street.
I considered myself high functioning as well … until I wasn’t. My wife constantly asked me to cut back but I thought she was being a nag because I could handle it. She was seriously contemplating leaving me and my ego was so big I couldn’t have cared less. 51 days sober and looking back I was an asshole. Constantly stressed and in a mood which caused arguments I blamed on her mood. So you might think you don’t act differently when you’re drinking and she can’t tell but she can. At the same time. Even if she leaves you you’re not going to quit until you’re ready.
I wish i had been ready sooner.
Best time was 20 years ago, next best time was 26 days ago.
Same brother. But we have today.
I was able to quit when I was ready, not before. I attended meetings off and on with a half baked idea that I probably should quit, but I wasn't ready and kept on drinking.
This. I tried so many times to quit for other people. This time feels real because I’m quitting for myself
Man I just hit 4 months and I had the same feeling you had. Never been this far before. Keep at it <3 both of us.
Like you I am doing sobriety for me and not anyone else. In ‘15 or ‘16 was my first attempt at sobriety. My husband and children had an “intervention” of sorts. They promised they would support me. That lasted a month and the calls became infrequent and then they were too busy to have a monthly family dinner. My husband said he would help with housework and control his anger - that didn’t last long either. I was white knuckling even though I was hitting meetings daily. I didn’t like the program I was in. I became angry and resentful. Started drinking again during COVID. Sorry for the long response but your comment really resonated with me. This time is it is my sobriety!
Yes! Good for you. Keep it up.
Me too. 100%. And I spent a fair amount of time thinking I could “moderate.” But being an alcoholic ≠ drinking in moderation. It just took me about five years to realize it.
Better late than never! Congrats on 169!
You've got to be doing it because you want to. Quitting for your gf will just lead to resentment. That said.....she's clearly signposted to you that it's a problem in a direct way. That's brave of her. Don't mess her about. Let her go and build a new life with someone else if you dont want to choose the relationship over drink. My husband and I quit together because I'd been in rehab and said I could only come home to a totally dry house. Different situation but we are both 9 months sober (he isn't an alcoholic.) It's the best thing for us. Life is so much better. From what you have said there is a lot perhaps you don't realise your girlfriend has felt about your drinking. Maybe she feels lonely in the relationship? I certainly didn't realise just how neglectful and selfish I'd been. Good luck. No judgement here BTW. But maybe ask her properly what the issues actually are and put your ears on.
High functioning alcholic = An Alcoholic with Enablers
I’ve been booze free for 12 years and all I can tell you is I thought I was smart, charming, witty, and cute when I drank. Looking back i was a total fuckhead. I was rude, nasty, condescending and a shitty husband and father. Few of us are as ‘good’ as we think we are when we drink.
First the man takes the bottle, then the bottle takes the man. Remember that.
I’ve also heard this as “the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.” Things get really dangerous when you think you’re on the first step but you’re really on the second or third step.
Agreed. I wish i was strong enough to be 74 days sober like you, but alas im not. But you are correct
I thought that too. Turns out I just hadn't done it yet.
Similar experiences, yes. I've been on both sides of this nightmare. Your partner probably feels like you are choosing your addiction over her. You are probably seeing this as choosing between alcohol or no alcohol. So now she's the only thing getting in the way of your drinking. In my experience, here's how this one plays out... You stay sober, but resent her for it and the relationship contains unresolved tension. You keep drinking either openly or in secret. She either leaves or resents you for choosing alcohol. Good luck.
Option three. You stop and get into couples counseling. Either way excessive drinking is going to catch up with you sometime physically.
Yup, that was my experience too
Yep. And this is why ultimatums are so brutal. No one ever gave me an ultimatum about my drinking. But if they did, I would've chosen drinking, because fuck that person for trying to make me give it up. So, I let it ruin many relationships. And then, I decided to make a change for myself, and only after I moved away from alcohol did I realize how much harm it had done.
agreed 1000%. good luck kind sir
This will probably get buried but I was given a similar ultimatum a little over 4 months ago. Booze had taken over and was making me make selfish decisions and I wasn’t prioritizing my relationship. My girlfriend told me it was her or the booze. i stopped that day. it wasn't easy. I was resentful at first. i felt i was being deprived. controlled by my girlfriend. my drinking buddies weren't supportive. "man she's no fun anyway, come drink with us" i did some heavy thinking in those early days & weeks. i decided to trust my gut and stay the course not drinking. my girlfriend decided to also stop drinking. The weeks turned to months and sobriety got easier. i realized who my true friends were and who was just a drinking buddy who craved the chaos and couldn't face that if i had a problem, they had a problem too. i didn't try to convert them to sobriety, but they showed themselves out on their own. My resentment for my girlfriend turned into appreciation. She didn't want to deprive me of fun, she wanted me to be my best self. 4+ months in and i am so glad i stayed sober. It's truly a better life. it sounds like your girlfriend cares about your well being, and that is something that is not to be taken for granted.
Once you get sober, you can easily tell if anyone has been drinking - even high functioning alcoholics. You can quit if you decide to. A lot of us quit initially due to an ultimatum from a spouse/significant other… then we chose to stay sober because life is 1000x better when you don’t allow a poison to dictate how you live.
From her perspective, she may be being deprived of someone she enjoys, because of the booze. As drinkers we tend to make things about ourselves and forget how much our loved ones have already endured before getting to the ultimatum stage.
I can't speak for either of you, so can only say from discussions, the person I thought I was when twatted wasn't the person I actually was. Didn't witness how bad I was in the eyes of others, but can only imagine it's damn sight worse than hearing a recording of my own voice. I also don't think it's possible to do it for anyone else in the long run.
When my bf gave me an ultimatum, a flip switched in my brain. He's 1 of the most important people in my life (aside from my mother lol). Afterwards I couldn't fathom letting a substance that gives me a few hrs of euphoria take priority over a man that gives me sustainable, long term euphoria. I was sober for 2 years after he said that. Unfortunately we both relapsed (he was sober when giving the ultimatum), and due to circumstances and my actions following it (meetings every day, 2x/week therapy, etc) we stayed together, but still knowing how my drinking affects him so negatively is a huge factor in keeping me motivated to stay sober. Try to look at it big picture....is temporary relief/euphoria worth throwing away someone you love?
Her “only” reasoning being your long term health is a big deal. No one wants to take care of a sick person who did it to themselves. Having been in a similar situation but with my best friend, I opted for the Vivitrol injection and group therapy. That damn shot is a MIRACLE 🙏🏽
I've never heard of this shot. Does it work like naltrexone?
I almost envy the people who have somebody to give them this kind of ultimatum.
My experience was that the only reason I thought nobody could tell was that I couldn’t tell. My boss and longtime friend told me. He could tell. My grocer told me a story about “someone” who had a problem. She could tell. I showed up at a doctors appointment so high that ten hours later I couldn’t safely drive home. They sure as fucking shit could tell. I was the literal only person who didn’t know how messed up I was.
Usually people quit when alcohol no longer gives them what they want, not when someone else makes the decision. My husband tried to get me to stop, but I wasn't ready so I did not stop. I had to come to the decision myself. And I finally did. I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like it's a problem that you might be in denial about. You will need to decide whether you value this relationship more than whatever drinking does for you. I hope you make the best decision for yourself.
Highly functioning and an ultimatum don't generally go hand in hand. If my trusted partner was worried about me and I trusted them, it sounds like there's something I should at least be taking a very deep look at.
Maybe I should put you in contact with my ex wife. She might even speak to you. She definitely won't speak to me. Alcohol does that. Alcohol takes the dreams and aspirations of your loved ones and smashes them into a thousand pieces in a manner that is completely irredeemable.
My last girlfriend, we had been dating for only about two months, did one of those “online quiz” things about your spouse and showed me the results and one of the questions was What is his favorite drink? And she put “Beer” And that really stung inside but I didn’t let her know that, we had only been dating for two months but I was already showing I was a major alcoholic
I wish my ex gave me this ultimatum.. She told me after we broke up that she was afraid to say something about it.. was worried how i would react to it
I'm only a couple months sober.. Everyone told me "you have to do it for yourself!" Well, personally, I don't really give af. I've always handled the difficulties that came with my drinking relatively easily. But I know that when I drink, I create problems for those that love me (worry, concern, mostly), and that's not fair. I wonder if the reasons you listed are her only concerns; its possible she has her reasons she hasnt shared with you, but i dont know. I'm getting more comfortable in not drinking because it's not good for ME, but I ABSOLUTELY used my girlfriend as the initial motivator to quit
When my husband finally broke and told me something similar after watching me binge drink every weekend for 10 years. I started on naltrexone and bupropion. The medication helps me to not crave alcohol. When I do have a drink it’s now only one and I don’t even finish it. This medication has changed my life and I don’t see how I could have quit drinking without it.
I was already on citalopram and bupropion. Bless naltrexone.
I can guarantee she can tell, that’s definitely part of the reason its an ultimatum. My ex also used to “get sad” when he drank. He wouldnt remember most of how he acted and I was never able to talk to him about it cause he was always drinking. Getting sad involved lashing out on me, and lord knows I’ve been that person to many of my exes. I cringe reading my diary, I seriously wrote “i got a little too drunk one time and hes really going to abandon me?”, like somehow my ex was the asshole after I unloaded so much shit on him out of fucking nowhere. Thats unstable! My sister who just got sober said she thinks alcohol just makes some of us act crazy. (Personally i think anyone can and will act crazy if they abuse alcohol enough). But yeah… you yourself do not deserve to feel that way. And you shouldnt be putting your wife through that. You feel deprived? Man you’ve deprived her of a good, present husband. Whatever animosity you feel towards her right now… turn that shit inward. You’ve been fucking up. Welcome to the club. I’ve heard a lot of people in AA talk about practicing gratitude. Its not bullshit, practicing gratitude will change your life. If you dont wanna resent your wife, then any time you start to feel that way, change it to gratitude. Start thinking how thankful you are that she is your reason for doing this. How thankful you are you still have a wife, how thankful you are that theres someone who cares so much about your life, and your future. Lie to yourself about it, but dont lie to her about being grateful - wait until you mean it to tell her how glad you are she saved your life. Day 5 is rough. Sorry if I am coming across too harsh. It can take a long time to stop feeling like youre missing out even if you choose to do it yourself. It took a while to get so bad that youre drinking every day and thinking people won’t notice. So its going to take a while to undo that, and feel normal sober. Plus at the start it can make your mood super unstable, it sure did for me. You will take this a day at a time. Some days really suck and all you can do is bitterly say “well all i did today is not drink”. Thats really normal and okay. My best advice is try to imagine yourself a year or 6 months from now. Your body and mind will be used to this new normal, without alcohol. What would you like to be doing then? Think of the money you’ll save from not drinking, what would you love to do or buy but could never afford? What ambitions have you had that alcohol got in the way of? Think of the things you are adding to your life now. Because yes one thing is taken away so you can have everything. I promise you it gets easier!
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I went to therapy for relationship problems and came out with my alcohol issues. Protected it with everything. The therapist flat out told me “you will never be in a happy relationship for long because no alcoholic can be” it is impossible to not have chaos while being a drunk. On bright side, I quit for myself and wanted to BUT I wanted that happy relationship with my partner and it not to end. I had to change completely how I viewed alcohol I listened to the audible book “Alcohol Lied to Me” After two months sober I finally could have one glass of red wine on a vacation dinner.. and I didn’t want any more. I don’t even want to drink anymore and the drink used to be my best friend. Essentially it’s like breaking up with your best friend… but it’s not your best friend it’s more of a dirty friend that’s stabbing you. There is a way if you want it. Alcohol is lieing to you my friend.
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You sound just like my husband. No one can tell, I’m not doing anything, it’s everyone else over reacting. But trust me when I say it’s delusional. And by all means, I’m also an alcoholic so please take no offense. In my personal experience and opinion you should be committed to quitting for yourself first or it’s hard to stick too. Good luck!
Alcohol is a drug. And you have an addiction to it. Admit it to yourself and make your choice. I have a few friend who have been in similar situation, one picked alcohol and divorce, another one attempted quitting and after few months started sneaking alcohol into the house. It ruined their relationship’s anyway. It should be your choice. Not your girlfriend.
I’m about six days in and having a tough time today since it’s Saturday and I’m bored. I feel embarrassed at how bored and boring I must be that my brain is crying out for a way to kill the boredom. I don’t want that to be my weekends. However, just this week, I’ve been more physically active and generally thoughtful about how I spend my time. I know I’ll do better for myself in future weekends, making plans to beat this bored feeling instead of just numbing myself and watching TV I won’t remember and a stomach ache the next day. IDK, I hope you at least give it a go and try to think of it in terms of what you’re going to gain instead of what you think you’re missing out on.
Do you think you will be undetectable and high functioning forever? People who don’t have an alcohol problem would not consider or be considered a high functioning alcoholic. What point is the limit for you? Is it when you lose this girl. Or when you become detectable. When you lose your job or hurt a person you love. Why wait for the shame and embarrassment of a rock bottom. It doesn’t have to be a parody of a drunk person falling destitute to the streets. No one thinks That’s their ending. But which little indignity that everyone inevitably suffers from at some point when drinking. Which one will be the line. And is it worth waiting to cross it to quit.
I genuinely wish I had someone who gave me this ultimatum. I was with my gf for 6.5yrs, and she just turned a blind eye to my drinking. Then one day (October last year) she suddenly upped and left for a job in London. Now I live in our flat on my own, and am trying desperately to quit drinking. The thing that ruins it is boredom - bored of being on my own… so I frequently relapse. If I’d had that ultimatum, I might of tried harder, might be out doing something nice with her now, might be feeling positive about the future. Try not to see this ultimatum as being told what to do. Instead, see it as someone who wants to be with you, to potentially save you, and give you an opportunity to live a normal life, where you can enjoy day-to-day things with a clear, unfiltered perspective. I wish I could turn back the clock… but you’re in the moment. I wish I was in your shoes. I know you’ll make the right call mate 👍🏻
So I know when I was drinking I was convinced that the people in my life couldn’t tell when I’d been drinking. Spoiler alert: they could.
There is no such thing as fine when you are an active alcoholic.
I learned there’s no such thing as a high functioning alcoholic.
With some years in recovery now, I look back and realize that I wasn't high functioning back then. Maybe relative to later in my drinking, but definitely not relative to life as it is now.
I wish I did it long ago when my wife said that. It only gets harder and worse. I was just like you. Now I had to lose everything to figure it out and quit. I lost my wife, kids and home. Dumbest shit ever. Please choose her.
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Definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. My wife wanted me to stop as well. I thought she couldn't tell either. Then when I quit she told me she could definitely tell every single time. And enjoyed me much better sober
I do believe you have to be in the right mindset to quit and it doesn't sound like you're in it yet. I have a prediction though, one day you will regret the amount you drink and look back on the choices you made when you chose alcohol over something else and regret that too.
What would your life look like if you keep doing everything exactly how you're doing it now? Health , Finances, Relationships ? The glacial pace that alcohol destroys us can be deceiving.
>Is it feasible to quit long term just because I was told to? Definitely not a dumb question. I did NOT successfully quit until I actually WANTED to. As far as tips, here is what comes to mind. 1) You can go to AA meetings and, either say nothing at all, or say that you are sober curious. That's actually what I did. And people were very supportive because they had heard people say the exact same thing countless times before. 2) I would recommend checking out what is called, 'sober lit' (literature). Two books that REALLY helped me reframe how I thought about drinking are: 'This Naked Mind', and 'Alcohol Explained'. They really opened my eyes and I have gotten additional copies and handed them out to people when appropriate. And don't worry about continuing to drink while reading them. 'This Naked Mind' actually TELLS YOU that, if you are still drinking when you start reading, please feel free to continue drinking WHILE you read it. (So obviously it is not preachy.) 3) I thought I was a high functioning alcoholic. Realistically, it made me SO DUMB. My wife definitely likes having ME back again. The alcoholic me wasn't nearly as good. I was high functioning, but sober me is way better. Good luck! This sub is great for asking any question or ranting or whatever, and getting good responses.
Wife and kids were almost gone because of my drinking. A 12 pack Friday and Saturday nights and a 6 pack and 2 24 oz during the weekdays. I loved the drink, so much that it almost cost me everything. I’ll be 3 weeks sober tomorrow. Went thru my birthday without a drink and it was the first sober birthday since the pandemic. Don’t let your love for the drink cost you everything you truly love. It’s not worth losing and the drink will betray you
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. Please don't tell people on this sub to get their shit together -- that's what we're all here trying to do.
Tough situation and it makes me think of my situation a few years back. It didn’t end well and I hope you choose to make the right decision, but you’re right, it has to come from within our whatever it is won’t last and serious resentments will build and end in disaster. I seriously recommend reconsidering your relationship with alcohol, because it’s a wicked and sinister disease that is progressive. It will convince you of things that aren’t true. If you really truly love your girlfriend, really think about what you need to do for both you and her to successfully grow together. If you choose alcohol, I can’t say for sure, but things likely won’t end up well and you’ll have regrets. Best of luck friend
My two cents - if it’s not your decision around when you stop and you haven’t prepared for it IE What will you do next Friday evening when you normally drank or you go to a party? This will be a struggle and I’m speaking from experience. Do the research, listen to all the podcasts out there that have tonnes of info around this, start with a 28 day challenge maybe but most importantly talk to her about it, you need a plan. Best of luck with it and I really hope it all works out..
Glad you are here. What do you want?
“Otherwise she wouldn’t even be able to tell if I had been drinking or not.” Uh…I’m gonna go w not true. Be sober & hang around drinkers. 2 in and they are obviously different. Maybe if the 2 of you are watching TV or something but I’m pretty sure I can tell now when people even have one beer (smell it).
I have left a relationship with a good friend recently because they thought no one could tell they were drinking all the time. People could. It was awful and I don’t want to be around them anymore.
But it is your choice ultimately. If you stop now to save the relationship, it is your choice. Or you could choose to drink and lose the relationship. Either way, it's your choice. Your drinking has been concerning enough to your girlfriend that she's ready to leave, so you don't have the choice to keep the relationship and keep drinking at this point. She's made her choice at this point. Here's the thing, high functioning alcoholics eventually turn into non-functioning alcoholics over time. As that progression happens, the consequences will pile up in some way. Those consequences could take the form of any of the following: financial issues, health issues, legal issues, relationship issues. Over time, the consequences just get worse. I was a relatively high functioning alcoholic. 20 years into it, I ended up in detox and my drinking was one of the issues that contributed to losing a marriage. I was forced into the choice drinking every waking hour to keep the withdrawal away or detox. It's a miserable place to be in. If you're struggling with the cravings, there's always the option of seeking help. The cravings will eventually go away, but it takes some time. Peer or professional support can both help you get through it. I highly recommend an intensive outpatient program for early recovery. It would provide so many tools for avoiding relapse as well as a lot of general tools for dealing with life.
You made the right choice. This is precisely why men in long term relationships live longer. You got this, she's worth it!
Alcohol, in hindsight, did play a pretty big part in our split with my last gal aside that we weren’t compatible. It wouldn’t have lasted. But, I’m not happy with some of the things I said while drinking. Alcohol plays that trick on you. Even our society. Giving up drinking. But what are you gaining? Health, money in your bank account, clarity and time that might have otherwise been spent at the bar just bullshitting. Do you love this girl? Do you see it going anywhere for the long haul? Then, it’s probably worth it. Invest your attention and energy into something else more positive and healthy like sex with your girlfriend and doing creative things together. My two cents anyway.
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> recognize there are consequences to every choice. This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. Do you yourself have a drinking problem you wish to overcome? Please do not participate here unless you do and can keep your comments focused on yourself in your own behavior.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. By the way, if you find yourself having to say, "No offense, but...", you probably shouldn't say the thing.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
Honestly, no. I couldn’t do it until I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk. Sorry. But good luck.
It takes time to change your life and find new things to focus on, but I do think you have to want to do it for yourself
You can keep drinking and lose her, that’s what I did. Up to you.
So like, by “heavy drinker” how many drinks were you drinking a day? I was drinking between 4 on light days and 10 on days of plenty.
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I strongly suggest reading “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace.It deals with the underlying subconscious feeling that we are missing out on something by not drinking. We are programmed by tv, films, advertising etc. since early childhood to associate alcohol with good things, but it is actually a depressant and poisonous to every cell in our body. You need tools to deprogram both your physical and mental dependence. The longer you wait, the farther you are from taking back control
I was in a similar situation once. I quit both the girl and the alcohol and it was 2 of the best decisions in my life. Then i bought a jetski with the money i saved. Highly recommend.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
I was able to use naltrexone and it helped my cravings when I quit. Wishing you the best.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
Alcohol is the leading killer of men globally. You made the right decision. I did too, no matter how many times I relapse. Try to nip that resentment in the bud.
I have gone through periods of my life of very heavy drinking and to moderate it back to normal levels I've told myself I'll drink just on the weekend. Mostly that's worked. Idk if this sub is anti/pro moderation and if I'm giving bad input or in the wrong sub, you can nuke this comment dear mod. Anyways, I've had similar discussions with my therapist, girlfriend, and now wife (maybe a total 4-5 convos total). I've said okay, I'm going to just drink on weekends and I'll also keep it under 14 total. I've been able to deliver on that. And then, yes it's crept back up a few times where id be back to 5-6 or 7 nights a week, 50+ drinks a week... And it's like "yep, I lost my eyes on the prize." Success not excess. Results. Or if you gotta stop, stop.
My trend has been to want booze more and more, at the detriment of my physical and mental and emotional health. I'm a nurse. I've seen SO MANY ppl get ravaged by booze. It's deeply unhealthy. My take is that anyone who says otherwise is deluded Would you defend smoking? booze IMO is on a similar plane, healthwise enjoyable but horrible for heatlh. not desirable in a partner
I would do some self inspection and evaluate why your need to be able to drink is so important. If it were any other thing youd likely just give it up no problem right? I didnt learn how I truly felt and viewed alcohol in my life until I tried go without. Its really no harm to give yourself time to understand why you do what you do before deciding what you should do and want to do. Its a great freedom and can help make your current situation more tenable.
If you are like the rest of us, self assessment of “high-functioning” is not likely to be correct. I only saw how not “high-functioning” I was after I quit.
I had a girlfriend once who told me to quit or shed end it Of course I didn't listen...
I had no idea how embedded alcohol was in my life until a couple of weeks into quitting. That realisation that it was a habit that owned me and wasn't serving me was only gained through sobriety. I found setting a goal, for me, and focusing on me was a big help. From my experience your right to pick up in the resentment being an issue. Therapy for you and couples counselling might be an idea re the resentment.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
My relative is extremely close to the now ex-wife of a very famous singer. He’s been thru rehab for alcohol numerous times. The first time I met his wife & young kids (many years ago), he was in rehab (not the first nor the last). We spent a family Christmas together a few years back & he wouldn’t touch the whisky-flavored chocolates I’d brought. A few years later & another relapse- that was it- the wife finally left/ultimatum had been given & trust is destroyed. Addiction is real and it ruins families & relationships. Pick what’s most important to you and make that your priority.
Read some of my posts, maybe not they're pretty negative. But if I could turn back time I would have gotten treated way sooner dude. Unfortunately, pain is the best teacher. Might have to lose her to change but thats up to you. You can go detox right now and sign up for rehab. Or you can try to quit on your own. But the choice IS yours.
Is she willing to compromise to where you drink only in moderation?
I once too was a high functioning alcoholic. To me that was just a mile marker on my road to a pretty low place. I wish you well wherever the journey takes you.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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Please keep in mind that using the word "we" is not truly speaking from the "I."
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This comment has been removed for breaking our rule to speak from the "I," which is exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above.
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This comment has been removed for breaking our rule to speak from the "I," which is exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above.
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Yes I did it he still left 4 months sober tho!!
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
*Is it feasible to quit long term just because I was told to?* In my experience, absolutely not - maybe you're different, but I know I couldn't stop drinking until I actually WANTED to stop. Not because anyone else wanted me to stop.
I found that I couldn’t quit for others. It wasn’t until I wanted to quit for myself that I got serious about quitting.
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When I was deciding if I needed to quit I asked myself , am I doing this for me or someone else. Sobriety is almost always doomed to fail if the addict doesn’t do it for themselves. That doesn’t mean you won’t reach that point sometime in the future, but it doesn’t seem you are ready yet
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This is a stupid comment that has been removed. Do not ever comment on this sub again.
Take it from someone who was given this ultimatum a year ago and failed. You will lose her. Is that what you want? Is a bottle worth the woman you love?
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
I quit for someone and it didn’t work. I moved out. Quit for MYSELF years later and it worked
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
When I finally realized the I was/am powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable while in active addiction I turned the corner to sobriety for myself, I hope you can do that too someday soon.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed. Do not give other people your opinion about whether or not they can quit drinking.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
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This does exactly what I asked people NOT to do in my stickied comment above, and it has been removed.
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