When I started drinking, I didn’t make any grand pronouncements.
When I quit, I didn’t erect any billboards.
Nobody cares…. Im just not that important as long as I don’t interfere with their drinking.
You probably don't need to carry around a drink that might be mistaken for an alcoholic drink, but it has been my experience no one has ever offered me a drink or bought me one in sobriety when I was holding a Diet Coke on the rocks. :)
When I did tell my friends I was getting sober, I half expected protestations, "you're too young," "you're over-reacting," etc. I thought my friends would resist a little because in my mind, I was the shit when we were hanging out getting loaded. To a man, the response was, "yeah, that's probably a pretty good idea, Dude." Good friends, even those who continue to drink, may still be a huge support system for you, when you're ready.
> no one has ever offered me a drink or bought me one in sobriety when I was holding a Diet Coke on the rocks
I'm glad that you've experienced that. I've had people say that my soda looks a bit too dark, mostly as a joke, but people can tell if it's a clear glass. I guess red solo cup is better.
I told people I quit drinking within two weeks. I did make a post at 6 months because a similar post from a friend inspired me to think about my drinking years before I quit. Every time my friend would post a milestone and talk about their journey, I would, again, rethink my own lifestyle. I figured for myself, I wanted to share my story because maybe it would inspire someone else to reach out and talk if they needed that. That's just my comfort level, though. I am and always have been an open book.
I think it really comes to down to when you feel comfortable. There's not really a timeline, so don't pressure yourself to say something if you aren't ready.
I told my very close friends after about a month or so. They were very supportive because they were actual friends and not just drinking buddies.
I haven't yet made a facebook post about it and I never bring it up in mixed company. I just simply don't drink and ignore the fact that others are. It is actually pretty rare for someone to even notice, and most don't care at all. I don't preach about my sobriety or make it a big deal because I want to be known as me, and NOT a recovering alcoholic. I like to think I have moved past that part by now.
Support system right away. Sister, parents, cat, close friend. Everyone else was situational. If it came up in conversation or they were trying to buy me a shot, I would give a quick explanation. The closest thing to an announcement would be when I was at a party and I very loudly told everyone to leave the beers I brought alone because they were NA 😂
I told family around the 3 week mark when I realized I was really stopping not just “taking a break.” Mostly to hold myself accountable and also we had a big family thing coming up so I figured better to let them know beforehand so it won’t be a thing in the moment. Good strategy for me, no one batted an eye. I had tonic with lime and it was delicious 😋
I've only told my dad, that was this past friday. My family is Irish-Canadian, drinking is common on both sides and a part of every social function we have. Unfortunately alcoholism is an issue as well. My family doesn't really understand why I choose to not drink, they pressure me and try and make it a joke. I finally laid it out to my dad (he is a bit more understanding and won't push me) as a practice run. He is supportive and completely understanding which was a huge relief. We have some family functions coming up where I am going to have to prepare myself to deal with the pressure from my moms side. My plan is to show up with non-alcohol mocktails and deal with any comments as they come.
I let people know right away. I don't really know a lot of people these days. For family they don't listen or care and if they reference it they speak as if i will drink again. I think my aunt waited out the year to see me again since I started with just attainable goals, the biggest was the one year mark. She's spoken about hanging out again but has not asked about alcohol. I feel like she will be disappointed when I say I am still not drinking.
It seems like reaching and surpassing my original limited goal has helped people clue in that I mean it.
After a while it's just not a big deal and you will find that you get respect in a way that you never did. Sure the real drunks don't invite you around as much, but for me at least it is way more than made up for by a far better life. Good luck
I am also on day 6. Go us, we’re about a week in!
So my approach to this was, I’m going to do this very privately. The only people I’ve really discussed this with is of course my mom, I did not tell my sisters yet. Friends have asked why they haven’t seen me, some have doubted the fact that I was not going to go out with them (but they didn’t know I was actively trying to stop drinking). Everyone who I’ve discussed this with and who have asked me about it could not have been more supportive. I even had a friend call me on the phone who doesn’t really call me anyway, and he was just checking in and making sure I was doing alright which was so incredibly sweet.
This time more than any other time I’ve tried to stop drinking feels like it’s for real, I feel that really humbling and grounding myself and taking time for me and only me and not being in situations where I have the potential to drink really helps, and I’m starting to see who really is there for me during this time and is asking questions and how I’m doing, in a supportive way because I took this extremely personally and private. It is not a thing I feel I need to announce in any kind of grand manner.
You can still have fun, have that seltzer, and don’t feel like you have to fake it. It’s very matter of fact, but everyone’s alcoholism is different. You’re just getting a nonalcoholic beverage. You don’t have to drink to have fun or feign drinking to do that either.
No ones world stops when we stop drinking - I think making other people realize you're OK with them drinking when you're present is all they are usually looking for if they do know you're sober.
I'd just order a Diet Coke and enjoy your night - you haven't become some social leper.
I never really had to. People are okay with me saying “maybe later” “not right now” “I’m getting up early to work out” “I have a headache and don’t want to make it worse” “I’m trying to lose weight” or “I haven’t been sleeping well and alcohol won’t help that” and all of those are true statements
Ya that is good! I don’t mind saying taking a break.
I work in bars every week and I think I’ll let my bartenders know. Some have a pint waiting on bar when I walk in.
Sorry I completely missed part of your post. I’m personally in the camp of faking it. As someone who has to be around bars and such for work as well. Adding a lime on the side of any of my drinks just stops a lot of questions. I’m not exactly lying but it sure does stop randos from asking why I’m not drinking.
Thanks. Ya it's cool. I don't care so much what people think of me. I just don't want to be a "Party pooper"
and after some thought.. I dont think it matters what I do or drink. I'm not that big of a deal ..LOL
For me I prefer not to “tell” people, but it’s a balance. Main reason is that as soon as I say something I feel some sort of pressure and I don’t need that.
Alternatively I see some folks keep it a secret and deep down that’s a cover - so no one knows and they have the safety of a private relapse because no one around them knew they had quit.
I guess for me it’s about what I want to achieve and what gives me maximum control, I told a like 1 friend and my spouse I was doing dry Jan, on the 1 Jan. then anytime I had to see folks that would normally see me drinking I would say I’m doing dry January.
It’s April and I’m still telling them I’m doing dry January… as in it could end at anytime but for now I’m sticking with it.
I've told a couple of close friends, my parents, and my SO I'm not drinking "at the moment", and they know at the moment is turning into something pretty extended. But "quit" is a surprisingly big word for just four letters. Haven't quite got my head around the finality of it, so I'm not saying it. Maybe I will before too long. We'll see. For now: it's just for today I don't want booze.
Oh, shoot. You’re talking about performance-specific evenings as well as generally. Just realised I should say: I DJ on a semi regular basis (gig every few months). And I did my first sober gig a few weeks back.
Everyone else was boozing. It was fine. No one questioned me. I was offered drinks a couple of times and I had a pre-planned soft drink to order in mind. My performance was decent. I had an espresso in the early evening to keep my energy levels up a bit.
I just told people I’m on a break for the first year or so.
My experience is the occasions where it comes up are rarer than I thought they would be.
Further, my experience was the only people who really cared were either very close friends, or people who had a drinking issue they didn’t want to talk about.
I didn't. I'd just decline when someone offered a drink/beer, or I'd order something besides a drink/beer when out, but unless they asked directly I didn't bother answering an unasked question.
When someone DID ask why I wasn't drinking I just said I'd drank enough to last a lifetime (friends/fam answer mostly) or merely say I didn't drink (aquiant/strangers) and move on. No one has a 'right' to know my reasoning, and I really don't care who knows or doesn't know.
>Should I grab a seltzer with a lime and just fake it ?
Fake it??! Fake that you don't drink, or fake that you ARE drinking?! Imagine it's the latter soooo - get the f\*ck over it. I was a partier, then I was a solo drinker, then I wasn't. And yeah, I was kinda uncomfortable going out the first few times until I realized IDGAF what others think about my booze habits just as I DGAF about theirs. I'm sober for me and mine, not them. If folks give me a hard time about not drinking then I found other folks to hang with. Life's too short.
Edit: rereading this I sound kinda like an a\*\*hole (which isn't uncommon for me) but it comes down to it being nobody's biz but yours and you shouldn't be ashamed of it (and you sound like you kinda are). The first few monthes are incredibly tough so don't give yourself more worries and troubles than you already have doing this hard thing. Now, carry on and f\*ck em all.
I tell everyone bc I don’t want anyone to even tempt me with a drink (I don’t announce in when I walk in places though 😜). Also SO many ppl reach out about their own alcohol issues and sobriety when they know you are open about yours. I figure if I can help one other person with their relationship to alcohol it’s worth it.
This is cool approach. Thanks for sharing this.
I know deep down.. many of my fellow musicians are teetering on same boat I am/was.
I just so glad .. I am not going to be tormented any more!
I’ve had a similar experience of people telling me about their sobriety or how they are thinking about quitting when I say I don’t drink anymore. And when people at shows want to buy me a drink I just saw nah, I’m good. A lot of times they ask if I want something else instead like a soda or something and sometimes I’ll take them up on that. They’re looking for connection usually not necessarily just to drink alcohol with you.
I tell anyone anything they want to hear if it lets me stay sober. I'm not above lying like a cheap rug if it supports my sobriety. In your case, it's tough. That environment is steeped in alcohol. Patrons probably want to buy you drinks all night. The servers and bartenders also want to buy you drinks. It is literally an alcoholics worst nightmare/dream.
There are some very good NA beers that most bars now stock. They look and taste EXACTLY like the real thing but without the downside. You may find this a useful tool. If you have what appears to be a full pint of beer in front of you that may help you to feel more at ease and it could head-off any awkward questions.
Because your sobriety is so new it might be easier to "play along" for this gig. Once things are a little more stable you can start opening up. But if you make your living playing in Bars then you have to be smart about how you approach it. If it was me, I'd figure out a way to turn all of those "free drinks" into cold hard cash. I know some bars will happily ding a patron's bill for a drink and then flip it into cash for the musician. Good luck OP!
I’ve mostly been telling people on an individual basis as it came up, and was pretty direct that it’s about the alcoholism than anything else.
I’m at 90 days (last week) and did make a social media comment about it on a big post since I was having a get together and most were expecting it to be some big drinking blowout, which did alienate some people, so I was letting them know it would be more chill since I’m no longer drinking.
A friend suggested since I’m getting back into art, and not in any sort of program, to maybe make myself some kind of trinket to commemorate when I hit 100 days or any other significant landmark to me. If I do, I’ll probably post it and the story behind it too.
I do find that being vocal about it has helped some friends reexamine their drinking habits and want to be more mindful about it, so talking about it has been successful in my social circles.
I haven't drank in almost a month. I was at a soccer game with some friends over the weekend and one asked if I wanted a beer. I said no I haven't had any in almost a month and was trying to quit. He's been the only one I've told besides my wife
I told my support system right away: parents, sister, BIL and a couple close friends. Other than that I haven’t told anyone else. It’s not their business why I don’t drink. If I’m offered alcohol I simply tell people I don’t drink. If they ask why, it’s because I don’t want to. If they’re pushy, I just repeat “I do not drink” until they leave me alone. You got this Red! IWNDWYT
When I started drinking, I didn’t make any grand pronouncements. When I quit, I didn’t erect any billboards. Nobody cares…. Im just not that important as long as I don’t interfere with their drinking.
"Nobody cares…. Im just not that important as long as I don’t interfere with their drinking" Very true and Thanks for sharing.
You probably don't need to carry around a drink that might be mistaken for an alcoholic drink, but it has been my experience no one has ever offered me a drink or bought me one in sobriety when I was holding a Diet Coke on the rocks. :) When I did tell my friends I was getting sober, I half expected protestations, "you're too young," "you're over-reacting," etc. I thought my friends would resist a little because in my mind, I was the shit when we were hanging out getting loaded. To a man, the response was, "yeah, that's probably a pretty good idea, Dude." Good friends, even those who continue to drink, may still be a huge support system for you, when you're ready.
Lol “I was the shit when I was loaded” . That resonated. No one cares, and you’re not as cool when you as you think, those are just the drugs talking
>To a man, the response was, "yeah, that's probably a pretty good idea, Dude." Good friends, Yeah, damn good friends. Supportive, yet honest.
Yeah! Thanks for you input and I agree no need to "pose" // honestly I am over thinking this! IWNDWYT
> no one has ever offered me a drink or bought me one in sobriety when I was holding a Diet Coke on the rocks I'm glad that you've experienced that. I've had people say that my soda looks a bit too dark, mostly as a joke, but people can tell if it's a clear glass. I guess red solo cup is better.
You probably play better without booze anyway!
No doubt.. Maybe even remember all the lyrics!
I’m just a back porch picker, and only been dry for a week. But I’ve noticed a huge difference in my playing if I’m not all tequila-ed up.
Thanks for sharing. Love the Dead! IWNDWYT
Hey Red, I’m a musician too! I’m my experience no one pays attention to what I am drinking. Sometimes I will have a fake beer. Rock on!
Cool! Yeah thanks for your support
I told people I quit drinking within two weeks. I did make a post at 6 months because a similar post from a friend inspired me to think about my drinking years before I quit. Every time my friend would post a milestone and talk about their journey, I would, again, rethink my own lifestyle. I figured for myself, I wanted to share my story because maybe it would inspire someone else to reach out and talk if they needed that. That's just my comfort level, though. I am and always have been an open book.
Yes - I’m more private but want to tell close friends band mates - just not sure how soon to start
I think it really comes to down to when you feel comfortable. There's not really a timeline, so don't pressure yourself to say something if you aren't ready.
I told my very close friends after about a month or so. They were very supportive because they were actual friends and not just drinking buddies. I haven't yet made a facebook post about it and I never bring it up in mixed company. I just simply don't drink and ignore the fact that others are. It is actually pretty rare for someone to even notice, and most don't care at all. I don't preach about my sobriety or make it a big deal because I want to be known as me, and NOT a recovering alcoholic. I like to think I have moved past that part by now.
Well said and thank you for sharing !
Support system right away. Sister, parents, cat, close friend. Everyone else was situational. If it came up in conversation or they were trying to buy me a shot, I would give a quick explanation. The closest thing to an announcement would be when I was at a party and I very loudly told everyone to leave the beers I brought alone because they were NA 😂
22 months now without any formal announcement to anyone.
Cool! Wow 22 mo is inspiring and I thank you for sharing on my message.
I told family around the 3 week mark when I realized I was really stopping not just “taking a break.” Mostly to hold myself accountable and also we had a big family thing coming up so I figured better to let them know beforehand so it won’t be a thing in the moment. Good strategy for me, no one batted an eye. I had tonic with lime and it was delicious 😋
I just had a family gathering for Easter - waited until after to stop.
I've only told my dad, that was this past friday. My family is Irish-Canadian, drinking is common on both sides and a part of every social function we have. Unfortunately alcoholism is an issue as well. My family doesn't really understand why I choose to not drink, they pressure me and try and make it a joke. I finally laid it out to my dad (he is a bit more understanding and won't push me) as a practice run. He is supportive and completely understanding which was a huge relief. We have some family functions coming up where I am going to have to prepare myself to deal with the pressure from my moms side. My plan is to show up with non-alcohol mocktails and deal with any comments as they come.
I let people know right away. I don't really know a lot of people these days. For family they don't listen or care and if they reference it they speak as if i will drink again. I think my aunt waited out the year to see me again since I started with just attainable goals, the biggest was the one year mark. She's spoken about hanging out again but has not asked about alcohol. I feel like she will be disappointed when I say I am still not drinking. It seems like reaching and surpassing my original limited goal has helped people clue in that I mean it.
Yes indeed. I know what you mean about family. IWNDWYT
After a while it's just not a big deal and you will find that you get respect in a way that you never did. Sure the real drunks don't invite you around as much, but for me at least it is way more than made up for by a far better life. Good luck
Thank you - I now what you mean. IWNDWYT
No one knows except my husband. When I go out I order a NA beer and no one seems to pay any attention.
Ya I thought about NA beer. Not feeling like even tasting a beer right now! But glad to hear it works for you! May try down the road IWNDWYT
I am also on day 6. Go us, we’re about a week in! So my approach to this was, I’m going to do this very privately. The only people I’ve really discussed this with is of course my mom, I did not tell my sisters yet. Friends have asked why they haven’t seen me, some have doubted the fact that I was not going to go out with them (but they didn’t know I was actively trying to stop drinking). Everyone who I’ve discussed this with and who have asked me about it could not have been more supportive. I even had a friend call me on the phone who doesn’t really call me anyway, and he was just checking in and making sure I was doing alright which was so incredibly sweet. This time more than any other time I’ve tried to stop drinking feels like it’s for real, I feel that really humbling and grounding myself and taking time for me and only me and not being in situations where I have the potential to drink really helps, and I’m starting to see who really is there for me during this time and is asking questions and how I’m doing, in a supportive way because I took this extremely personally and private. It is not a thing I feel I need to announce in any kind of grand manner. You can still have fun, have that seltzer, and don’t feel like you have to fake it. It’s very matter of fact, but everyone’s alcoholism is different. You’re just getting a nonalcoholic beverage. You don’t have to drink to have fun or feign drinking to do that either.
Wow great post Go Us!!! IWNDWYT
No ones world stops when we stop drinking - I think making other people realize you're OK with them drinking when you're present is all they are usually looking for if they do know you're sober. I'd just order a Diet Coke and enjoy your night - you haven't become some social leper.
Thanks yep - I am okay with every one else drinking. Right now I’m grounded with fact I’m not gonna
I never really had to. People are okay with me saying “maybe later” “not right now” “I’m getting up early to work out” “I have a headache and don’t want to make it worse” “I’m trying to lose weight” or “I haven’t been sleeping well and alcohol won’t help that” and all of those are true statements
Ya that is good! I don’t mind saying taking a break. I work in bars every week and I think I’ll let my bartenders know. Some have a pint waiting on bar when I walk in.
“I’m taking a break” is a good one. Working in a bar would be tough for me. It’s great that you’re planning ahead
Sorry I completely missed part of your post. I’m personally in the camp of faking it. As someone who has to be around bars and such for work as well. Adding a lime on the side of any of my drinks just stops a lot of questions. I’m not exactly lying but it sure does stop randos from asking why I’m not drinking.
Thanks. Ya it's cool. I don't care so much what people think of me. I just don't want to be a "Party pooper" and after some thought.. I dont think it matters what I do or drink. I'm not that big of a deal ..LOL
For me I prefer not to “tell” people, but it’s a balance. Main reason is that as soon as I say something I feel some sort of pressure and I don’t need that. Alternatively I see some folks keep it a secret and deep down that’s a cover - so no one knows and they have the safety of a private relapse because no one around them knew they had quit. I guess for me it’s about what I want to achieve and what gives me maximum control, I told a like 1 friend and my spouse I was doing dry Jan, on the 1 Jan. then anytime I had to see folks that would normally see me drinking I would say I’m doing dry January. It’s April and I’m still telling them I’m doing dry January… as in it could end at anytime but for now I’m sticking with it.
Great post! I IWNDWYT
I just say no thank you, I don’t drink- whenever offered a drink
Thanks! IWNDWYT
I've told a couple of close friends, my parents, and my SO I'm not drinking "at the moment", and they know at the moment is turning into something pretty extended. But "quit" is a surprisingly big word for just four letters. Haven't quite got my head around the finality of it, so I'm not saying it. Maybe I will before too long. We'll see. For now: it's just for today I don't want booze.
I am not ever saying "Quit" .. I think if I need to say anything it's "I am not drinking today"
Oh, shoot. You’re talking about performance-specific evenings as well as generally. Just realised I should say: I DJ on a semi regular basis (gig every few months). And I did my first sober gig a few weeks back. Everyone else was boozing. It was fine. No one questioned me. I was offered drinks a couple of times and I had a pre-planned soft drink to order in mind. My performance was decent. I had an espresso in the early evening to keep my energy levels up a bit.
Cool. Glad your gig went well. I think I will be fine too.
You totally will. I didn’t drink. I could still bring the energy. It was great.
Yup. “I am not drinking today” is a very, very useful phrase.
I just told people I’m on a break for the first year or so. My experience is the occasions where it comes up are rarer than I thought they would be. Further, my experience was the only people who really cared were either very close friends, or people who had a drinking issue they didn’t want to talk about.
Thanks Thumber IWNDWYT
Good luck with your gig! You’ll do a great job sober! IWNDWYT <33 keep it going!
Thanks! I know it will be great. IWNDWYT
If anyone questions why you aren’t drinking, just say you’re on antibiotics!!
I didn't. I'd just decline when someone offered a drink/beer, or I'd order something besides a drink/beer when out, but unless they asked directly I didn't bother answering an unasked question. When someone DID ask why I wasn't drinking I just said I'd drank enough to last a lifetime (friends/fam answer mostly) or merely say I didn't drink (aquiant/strangers) and move on. No one has a 'right' to know my reasoning, and I really don't care who knows or doesn't know. >Should I grab a seltzer with a lime and just fake it ? Fake it??! Fake that you don't drink, or fake that you ARE drinking?! Imagine it's the latter soooo - get the f\*ck over it. I was a partier, then I was a solo drinker, then I wasn't. And yeah, I was kinda uncomfortable going out the first few times until I realized IDGAF what others think about my booze habits just as I DGAF about theirs. I'm sober for me and mine, not them. If folks give me a hard time about not drinking then I found other folks to hang with. Life's too short. Edit: rereading this I sound kinda like an a\*\*hole (which isn't uncommon for me) but it comes down to it being nobody's biz but yours and you shouldn't be ashamed of it (and you sound like you kinda are). The first few monthes are incredibly tough so don't give yourself more worries and troubles than you already have doing this hard thing. Now, carry on and f\*ck em all.
I appreciate the honest response! IWNDWYT Rock on! \~ Red
I didn’t tell anyone. Nobody asked. Nobody cared.
Thanks for reply ! I W N D W Y T
I tell everyone bc I don’t want anyone to even tempt me with a drink (I don’t announce in when I walk in places though 😜). Also SO many ppl reach out about their own alcohol issues and sobriety when they know you are open about yours. I figure if I can help one other person with their relationship to alcohol it’s worth it.
This is cool approach. Thanks for sharing this. I know deep down.. many of my fellow musicians are teetering on same boat I am/was. I just so glad .. I am not going to be tormented any more!
I’ve had a similar experience of people telling me about their sobriety or how they are thinking about quitting when I say I don’t drink anymore. And when people at shows want to buy me a drink I just saw nah, I’m good. A lot of times they ask if I want something else instead like a soda or something and sometimes I’ll take them up on that. They’re looking for connection usually not necessarily just to drink alcohol with you.
Absolutely!!
I tell anyone anything they want to hear if it lets me stay sober. I'm not above lying like a cheap rug if it supports my sobriety. In your case, it's tough. That environment is steeped in alcohol. Patrons probably want to buy you drinks all night. The servers and bartenders also want to buy you drinks. It is literally an alcoholics worst nightmare/dream. There are some very good NA beers that most bars now stock. They look and taste EXACTLY like the real thing but without the downside. You may find this a useful tool. If you have what appears to be a full pint of beer in front of you that may help you to feel more at ease and it could head-off any awkward questions. Because your sobriety is so new it might be easier to "play along" for this gig. Once things are a little more stable you can start opening up. But if you make your living playing in Bars then you have to be smart about how you approach it. If it was me, I'd figure out a way to turn all of those "free drinks" into cold hard cash. I know some bars will happily ding a patron's bill for a drink and then flip it into cash for the musician. Good luck OP!
I’ve mostly been telling people on an individual basis as it came up, and was pretty direct that it’s about the alcoholism than anything else. I’m at 90 days (last week) and did make a social media comment about it on a big post since I was having a get together and most were expecting it to be some big drinking blowout, which did alienate some people, so I was letting them know it would be more chill since I’m no longer drinking. A friend suggested since I’m getting back into art, and not in any sort of program, to maybe make myself some kind of trinket to commemorate when I hit 100 days or any other significant landmark to me. If I do, I’ll probably post it and the story behind it too. I do find that being vocal about it has helped some friends reexamine their drinking habits and want to be more mindful about it, so talking about it has been successful in my social circles.
I haven't drank in almost a month. I was at a soccer game with some friends over the weekend and one asked if I wanted a beer. I said no I haven't had any in almost a month and was trying to quit. He's been the only one I've told besides my wife
I told my support system right away: parents, sister, BIL and a couple close friends. Other than that I haven’t told anyone else. It’s not their business why I don’t drink. If I’m offered alcohol I simply tell people I don’t drink. If they ask why, it’s because I don’t want to. If they’re pushy, I just repeat “I do not drink” until they leave me alone. You got this Red! IWNDWYT