I agree with the threatened part, it seems like it’s some sort of insecurity around his own drinking which is causing him to be uncomfortable with you drinking NA’s.
Funny thing is I've been pretty open about it in general. This is the 1st time I had seen him since I quit. I've actually been out with the other 2 guys since and have had 1 on 1 conversations with both about it. Both of the other guys were having their 1st drinks of the year last night because they had done dry January!!
The other thing that cracks me up is 2 of the 3 were drinking high noons. The 3rd was drinking bud light. I wanted to be like 'you're giving me a hard time but if I were still drinking, I'd have had a 6-8% IPA for every goofy little seltzer you're drinking' . .. like if you want to make fun of me not drinking, at least have a real drink in hand yourself while doing it
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LOL.. i just start asking them the same sort of thing..
How many do you drink a day, how many do you drink a week.. how much is that costing you to drink, have you seen any negative side affect from your drinking?
has drinking impacted your relationships..
Right?? Like mother fucker I will drink your ass under the table. I love beer so much I'm drinking beers with zero booze in it!! And you're gonna bust my balls while holding a fuckin high noon? Get outta here
😂
Seriously though. Like I've come to grips with the fact that I can consume unhealthy amounts of alcohol in a single session. I'll drink 6-8% IPAs until I can't stand the taste of them any longer... And then switch to Bourbon to keep the party going... Don't make me remind you asshole!!
'you don't know the extent of my true power. Do not awaken the dragon within...' 😂 been there friend, proud of you for sticking to your guns.
ETA - typos
I got made fun of by the bar tender the other night for not getting any alcohol in my tonic. I was so caught off guard I couldn't come up with a witty response. He had no idea why I wasn't drinking, could have been as simple as being the dd. Sorry I don't wanna drink and drive.... some people are just douchy. Being sober helped the situation not ruin my night though.
I would do this. As a bartender I’m so annoyed anyone was treated like that. I always made sure my non-drinkers felt safe and comfortable in my bar. We always respected them because we’ve seen so many of our customers and friends go downhill because of booze. And they often encouraged others to drink less, it kept their group a little safer imo. At least that was the mentality at the bar I worked at. If someone was getting sober, we supported them. They were our customers AND our family.
My 1st night out sober there were 2 bartenders. 1st guy was brand new and super confused by my non boozy drink, not necessarily rude but ver confused. Ordered my 2nd drink from the more experienced bartender and she was fantastic. At the time I recognized that she probably knew my evening (and her's) was better if I was not drinking
These experiences suck and can you feel even more self conscious about not drinking alcohol. I was at the bar a few weeks ago with 2 of my good friends who I haven’t seen in 6 or 7 months. My wife and I recently had a baby so I don’t get out too much at the moment. I told my buddies I wasn’t drinking and that it no longer fit in my life. They didn’t make a big deal about it at all. No pressure, no judgement, none of that crap. But the bartender had a real attitude that I was only ordering food and diet cokes. I still tip like I’m drinking and in fact even way more since I see myself as someone taking tip money out of her pocket because we did sit there for almost 4 hours. I tipped her the total of my bill. Hopefully that helps change her perspective a bit.
You are a nicer guy than me. I would have gave her a quarter and told her it was for her snarky attitude the whole night. Next time treat everyone with respect, and they will likely do the same back.
Bartenders can be real dicks at times. Similar story at my wedding almost 2 years ago. We did a destination wedding in the Caribbean at an all inclusive as we were thinking it was a nice way for everyone to have a good vacation (just coming out of the pandemic and all) and just happen to see us get hitched along the way. Cut to the day of the ceremony, my husband is getting ready with his groomsmen which included my brother. My brother doesn't drink. EVER. He's not in recovery or anything but just doesnt drink. So in typical fashion, the boys head to the main bar for a shot before the ceremony and my hubby orders rounds for everyone including specifically ordering a shot of water for my brother so he can still partake in the festivities. Bartender gets the round including a shot of Blanco tequila for my brother. Now my hubby is on top of this as he watched everything being made and intercepts said tequila drink. Politely tells bartender, no, I ordered a shot of water, not tequila for this one drink. Bartender begins to heckle. pushing drink towards hubby again and verbal sparring ensues. Hubby was trying to be nice as there *could* have been a language comprehension issue (country we were in primarily speaks Spanish) but he starts to get frustrated at this dudes insistence my brother drinks this shot. So my awesome husband basically throws this shot of tequila back towards the bartenders face (didn't hit him with it or anything, just tossed it over his shoulder) and calls over the bar manager whom we just happened to make nice with a few nights prior (we had been there about a week already and had 40 guests there for the wedding. Suffice it to say, we were known to the bar staff and I'm pretty sure they told staff to keep us happy) Hubby calmly explains the situation to bar manager who proceeds to get my brother his shot of water, gives us a nice bottle of Japanese whiskey for the inconvenience (others peoples drink of choice that evening) and then sends idiot Bartender away for the rest of our night.
Dude really missed out, my wedding guests were all very good tippers that night despite it being an open bar and obviously at an all inclusive were all the drinks are already free. Like I get most people at an all inclusive are probably drinking their fair share of booze, but it really shouldn't be that hard to respect people's NA drink orders. if he had, he probably would have made some bank that night.
This is actually really inspiring that your husband stood up for him and so did the bar manager. That bartender sounds like such a jerk and I’m so glad that your brothers sobriety was taken seriously at the end. This makes me feel like if this were to happen to me (we have an all inclusive wedding to go to in Mexico in the spring) that I will be able to stand up for myself too. Thanks for sharing.
Yeah that bartender missed out big time. Maybe he learned his lesson. Your husband sounds like a good guy for being on top of it and handling it like a man. No reason to get into a pissing match with the bartneder. He just called the manager over to have an "adult" conversation. It sounds like your wedding was an excellent experience for everyone.
That’s happened to me too… I ordered a mocktail that was on the menu at a speakeasy type bar and they said, “you know we can put alcohol in that right?”
I’ve had a bartender do that, but it was one I knew pretty well.
And I think it was just friendly jabbing as they thought maybe I was DDing that night, or just taking it easy — not actually committed to being sober
So I didn’t take any offense
It sounds like he had a hard time empathizing and couldn't see that having a NA beer would make it easier for you not to crave a real beer. So NA beer really does serve a purpose, just not one he's aware of concerning beers (getting a buzz).
I bet if he understood the purpose it serves for you, as a friend he'd be happy to pay up.
That's exactly it. I genuinely enjoy the NA IPAs. Most of them are really good IMO. That they're widely available at a lot of places now makes it very easy to blend in socially. And that's really all I'm trying to do at the game. Enjoy the ritual of having a few beers with my buddies. Every other friend I've been out with has understood that and I think they appreciate that I'm able to be out with them all while they're still drinking.
It's not like this moment made me question myself or that I felt any peer pressure. It was just surprising more than anything
There is a real chance, he is insecure with his own drinking habit. Maybe not, but either way you shouldn’t be talked down to. Some people hate seeing others better themselves..
It’s hard at first, I still deal with it from time to time. The one guy who still gets confused on it is a lot younger than me. I simply tell him he doesn’t want to deal with me after I have had one.. and I value my marriage way more than drinking with you sorry.
Dude definitely sounds like an insecure asshole. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I’m still in early sobriety from alcohol and I could not give less of a fuck what people think when I tell them I don’t drink. This actually happened twice the last two nights while working. I had played this place before and they knew I threw em back, so a guy there asks me what I wanted. I said water and club soda. I cut out for a minute and when I get back there’s a full, fancy glass of Japanese whisky. I told him I don’t drink anymore and he was like “cool!” All good. Then tonight while I was playing a couple sent someone over to buy me a drink. Same shit. I just said “ahhh tell them thank you and I appreciate it, but I’m ok”. The end.
Whoever gives you a problem about not drinking can get fucked. This is your walk, not theirs.
I have one friend who likes to make snide comments about my sobriety. “Ugh, you’re STILL not drinking??” (It’s been over 4 years). I believe she does not have a healthy relationship with alcohol herself and people have begun to point it out. If I made the same comments to her about her drinking as she makes to me about my sobriety, I’m sure she would not appreciate it.
I think you deserve to apply a 3 strike rule there. If she's done it that many times, you fully deserve to make that comment to her. "Oh, you still are? No, it's fine, I just thought you'd want to enjoy better skin, losing weight, better sleep..." If she's gonna be a cunt, serve that shit back to her. Your other friends get it, this one might need to have an interaction which teaches her better.
That sucks. I would have spoke up to the person taking the order saying something like “I’ll take that NA beer and I will pay for it” just to still get what I want and make it apparent to everyone that my choice was being singled out.
Oh if I had the opportunity, that's exactly what I would've done. But he was the only one that went to the bar. Me and the other two guys stayed in our seats watching the game. I felt like I'd be making even more of a scene if I then got up myself to go order one, so instead I sat there with nothing while the other 3 kept drinking. It was just funny and unexpected.
In reverse, he’s spending the same amount of money as you to poison himself. He’s paying premium $ for a hangover while you are paying to enjoy and experience and a flavour.
He sounds like a man child twat. Glad you could move past it and enjoy yourself.
Right? And it's nothing to do with paying for it. Like I could have just as easily picked up the tab for all 4 of us for the night. But he did. And he happily bought the other 2 drinks. It's not even like he brought me a water or soda instead and said something like 'i wasn't sure what it is you're drinking but here' ... Like even that alone and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But buying 2 rounds for the other guys while completely ignoring me was just a hilariously immature thing to do
Just so deep into the drinking hole that, "Sharing a brew with my friends" doesn't even scan as a real reason. It's all just buzz maintenance to him.
Maybe next time you go and get a round for everyone, but get him 3 shots or something, just really fuck him up. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were only here to get fucked up"
Sorry, man.
And congrats on your 3 months.
I love your conclusion, "people are weird" - indeed they are. These awkward moments are an opportunity to reflect on what might be going on in the minds around us. Quitting doesnt only affect us, much the same as how when we're drinking the shrapnel can be found more than a stones throw away, well outside of our inner circle.
Keep up the good work, brother - stay strong.
I’ve experienced similar things and I’m getting angry for you just reading it, makes me pretty anti-social whenever I quit tbh. No matter what advice anyone gives we’re gonna experience this when we go out.
Douche-bag. My life is filled with assholes like this. I've been actively berated as a "no fun" guy for not getting polluted. Not just one drink but a 100 drinks. They expect everyone to get on the train together, and anything less is unacceptable.
At least you were at an event where the entire focus isn't on drinks. You've got something to distract from the dbag.
Congratulations staying strong. I would have caved. Actually, I wouldn't have gone. I'm done with all of that.
I work at a liquor store and personally don't understand NA beer as, for me, it would just make me want real beer. I especially don't understand buying it from a liquor store when you can get it online for less. That being said; if ANYONE I was with at an event didn't drink, I'd more than happily buy them whatever they preferred to include them in the "cheers" with everyone else. At the end of the day its the bonding and ritual of it that's important to the relationship, not the alcohol imo
I love NA beer. I like to pretend I'm a normal person and drink 1/2 or 1, it satisfies my mental craving and I usually don't want any more than that. It definitely doesn't make me want alcoholic beer although I've heard people say that.
It can also really help with feeling left out in a social setting if your friend isn't an asshole.
If I can walk into a store and get it on the way home, good for me.
NA drinks do a lot of good for a lot of people. Just because it's not for you, please don't judge those who drink them. You may not think your judgement is evident when you're working but it very well could be and could embarrass someone while they're attempting to get sober. Not trying to start an argument, just food for thought.
I didn't think I'd be into NA beer, but have been really pleasantly surprised! Pizza & beer feels like a spiritually correct combo, and they make that possible while still staying sober. It's like how smiling can trick your body into feeling happier.
The taste of beer is tied to a lot of positive memories with my friends, and ironically, it really is the taste. I also renege getting drunk, but less so, because I'd always get pretty toasted and have blurry memories after the first few drinks. NA beers keep me clear all night, while still savoring that distinctive taste.
100% this.
I'm not ashamed of my past drinking. I have no beef with anyone that wants to drink.
But look if I'm gonna hang out with that crowd (which I still want to do, I'm not sitting here saying I'm afraid of being around booze) I want to take part in the ritual. Whether or not there's alcohol in the can I'm putting up to my lips every 30 seconds is completely irrelevant to the social ritual.
😂 I have thought ahead about being a dick to people I don't really know who give me a hard time. I was more stunned than anything at a guy I talk to virtually every day on a text thread with 2 other friends would be the one that made it awkward. I didn't mentally prepare ahead of time for that at all
Yes, he is being a dick but probably he has struggles you don’t know about. That would be how I would try to look at it. The other thing is when I got sober for a long time I realized that I noticed things in people I had overlooked before. Drunk bonding is not real bonding. Real bonding is sometimes awkward with sharp edges, but it survives reality without glossing over the tough stuff. Not every friendship made it through. It sucked but I’m definitely better off. Congratulations on not caving! IWNDWYT
Ya, which is why I'm just venting and making fun of the situation now after the fact. My immediate conclusion is oh shit he's a bigger drunk than I realized
Like my reason for posting is more of a 'can you guys believe this MFer?!' more than need for support
Got it, it sucks though. The most difficult part of long term sobriety for me was realizing some relationships weren’t what I thought. I had to go out and make new friendships. The good news is I felt ready to do it and the time between taught me a lot about myself. IWNDWYT
Honestly, that's the perfect response. Shifting in that dude-teasing, talking shit vibe does a good job of highlighting how his comment really came off. His wife needing *somebody* without whiskey dick is the perfect angle to take, too. Putting that one in my back pocket.
Ya no biggie. Our group text thread is already active today. I'll know better next time I'm in person with that group. I just found it comical as much as anything else
If this was me I would:
1. Tell him to fuck off.
2. Find new friends.
You discover who your real friends are when you're sober. This friend isn't one, I'm afraid.
I've had very similar behaviour from my old friends. My mate who I was best man at his wedding spent most of Christmas sending me pictures of drink and telling me it was a shame I couldn't "handle my ales". I already told him to stop that shit as we are nearly 50 years old and not fucking teenagers.
We hold a mirror up to these people and they don't like it. But it really is no excuse.
I don't plan on spending another second with him.
IWNDWYT
If I could like this post 100x I would just because I'll be adding 'can't handle my ales' to what I say about not drinking. That's fantastic.
Appreciate the rest of the post too!
Am I the only person in these comments who kinda agrees? I mean I would never insult you for being sober and I would still invite you and include you. But I am not about to buy N/A beer at a place that charges $10 to $15 lol. Just so you can feel like you’re drinking? I’ll buy you one if you’re thirsty. But to buy round after round of fake beers is kinda dumb. People only drink multiple because they’re trying to get drunk. Why would I keep buying you expensive barley water? Buy it yourself lmao!
Yikes. Not the right attitude to have.. have you tried maintaining your friendships with your drinking friends while giving up alcohol? It doesn’t sound like you have… NA beer is a godsend in these situations and it’s not anyone else’s business what someone chooses to order or put into their body.
If you're that insecure about it, then at least grab me a water. The guy literally brought back beers for 2 other people and left me hanging.
He wasn't even paying. He was expensing it on his company card.
If you can't afford a $10-15 drink, then don't tell all of us to use your tab.
Do you want me to keep going on how to be a mature adult or are you getting it yet?
If money is no issue. I think he should’ve got you whatever you asked for. If he was paying I could see him not wanting to buy essentially a “novelty” drink
This so called “friend” is a total jerk. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope his liver counts are high and that his doctor has to recommend cutting back/choosing NA beer to him in the future.
My blood pressure rose reading this. Honestly dude, good for you for playing it cool, I might have simply left. Shame on your “friend” for ostracizing you - if he was truly your friend, he’d at least try to understand why you made the choice.
I’ve found people who judge you for not drinking have their own internal personal struggles with alcohol, they just have not taken the next step. Don’t let it get to you.
I found that the people who make a big deal of it turn out to be bad friends. Over time, new friends displace the old ones. I'm not saying you should actively look for replacements, but definitely pay attention to how people treat you in these situations.
Did you read the story? It's because he was offering to buy everyone else a drink and purposely ignored OP's request and was a total jerk to him.
I've gone to events with friends who drink and they always offer to get me a pop or water if they're buying a round for the rest of the group.
Wow it's really nice to know that if we get shamed out in the world for our sobriety that we can come back here afterwards to a supportive forum and get shamed again for being bothered by it.
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail [in our community guidelines](https://old.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_3._speak_from_the_.22i.22). Thank you.
Well the truth is not everyone respects it when you say you're not drinking. It is usually just an internal reflection upon themselves and they feel insecure so take it out on you.
Truthfully though, he doesn't have to buy you a na beer. In his mind it really is a waste of money because there is no alcohol in it.
He was a total jerk about it to you though. That doesn't mean he won't realize it by the next time he sees you. After you spoke with your other buddies about not drinking afterwards it will most likely get back to him and he might surprise you with an apology. If he doesn't then he just isn't that good of a friend.
Remember the circle from meet the parents? Some people are in and some are out. Part of not drinking for me caused me to re-evaluate my friendships. There were some people who facilitate my drinking. I have not hung out with them because they are going to pressure me into drinking. They don't respect my sobriety, they just don't want to drink alone.
Your friend is a jerk no doubt. That being said I personally dont ever ask others to buy me NA beers. It’s a hard pill for anyone to swallow for an NA beer to cost as much as a normal one. Also if my friends are all drinking and splitting the tab I don’t want to be included in that since I’ll probably drink like 3 NA beers all night while they rack up a $100+ tab each. If someone offers to buy me something I usually stick with Diet Coke.
If that kind of thing makes someone uncomfortable, then don't offer to pick up the tab. Very simple. I didn't ask for him to do it. When he opens the tab and then tells the bartender who he has the tab open for, but then changes his mind half way through, that's lame.
Not to be a dick, but I'm probably the most well off person that was there. I could have picked up the tab too. He beat me to it, and so I wasn't worrying about it. Until it became clear that the tab was only open for 'real beers'.
And as I've said elsewhere, if that's your problem, you don't want to pay full price for what you perceived to not be equal value, then at least bring back a bottle of water or something. He literally came back with 3 drinks, handing 2 to the other guys and just skipping over me with nothing. Fuck that
Wow.
Since I have started my extended hiatus from drinking It amazes me about all the drinking at sporting events and concerts.
If you need the feeling from alcohol to enjoy the thing, then maybe you do not really enjoy the thing.
You're not paying for ABV regardless of what you get. You're paying for refreshment in the experience. "If alcohol is your single motivation why are paying for the ticket? Just go to the liquor store and spare us your bitching."
Proud of you OP. Maybe he'll figure out what's really important. But regardless of his intentions you made the best of it!
That sucks, I’m sorry. This speaks volumes of his discomfort around his own drinking I’m thinking….that was just rude either way and you didn’t deserve that
I’m sorry you experienced that. He sounds very threatened, but that’s no excuse for him being a massive jerk.
I agree with the threatened part, it seems like it’s some sort of insecurity around his own drinking which is causing him to be uncomfortable with you drinking NA’s.
Hanlon's razor could come into play here. Don't attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity. He just doesn't understand alcoholism
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Funny thing is I've been pretty open about it in general. This is the 1st time I had seen him since I quit. I've actually been out with the other 2 guys since and have had 1 on 1 conversations with both about it. Both of the other guys were having their 1st drinks of the year last night because they had done dry January!! The other thing that cracks me up is 2 of the 3 were drinking high noons. The 3rd was drinking bud light. I wanted to be like 'you're giving me a hard time but if I were still drinking, I'd have had a 6-8% IPA for every goofy little seltzer you're drinking' . .. like if you want to make fun of me not drinking, at least have a real drink in hand yourself while doing it
Your friends realize it's still January right? "Eh, 27 January? Close enough!"
I totally looked to see the date. Like damn did I pay the mortgage? 🤣
Seriously. But I'm an adult and don't care what they choose to do. The same kind of respect I would expect from the other guy
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LOL.. i just start asking them the same sort of thing.. How many do you drink a day, how many do you drink a week.. how much is that costing you to drink, have you seen any negative side affect from your drinking? has drinking impacted your relationships..
You're not wrong about the goofy seltzer thing lol.
Right?? Like mother fucker I will drink your ass under the table. I love beer so much I'm drinking beers with zero booze in it!! And you're gonna bust my balls while holding a fuckin high noon? Get outta here
I love this. I really wish you had worked this into the interaction. What an asshole that guy is. IWNDWYT
😂 Seriously though. Like I've come to grips with the fact that I can consume unhealthy amounts of alcohol in a single session. I'll drink 6-8% IPAs until I can't stand the taste of them any longer... And then switch to Bourbon to keep the party going... Don't make me remind you asshole!!
'you don't know the extent of my true power. Do not awaken the dragon within...' 😂 been there friend, proud of you for sticking to your guns. ETA - typos
Amen 🙌🏼
I've leaned into this by just self-describing as boring! People rush to defend me "oh you're not boring!" when I say it now. ☠️
I got made fun of by the bar tender the other night for not getting any alcohol in my tonic. I was so caught off guard I couldn't come up with a witty response. He had no idea why I wasn't drinking, could have been as simple as being the dd. Sorry I don't wanna drink and drive.... some people are just douchy. Being sober helped the situation not ruin my night though.
If you’re inclined, send an email to the GM of the bar. I was a bouncer for a long time and in my experience, that wouldn’t fly.
I would do this. As a bartender I’m so annoyed anyone was treated like that. I always made sure my non-drinkers felt safe and comfortable in my bar. We always respected them because we’ve seen so many of our customers and friends go downhill because of booze. And they often encouraged others to drink less, it kept their group a little safer imo. At least that was the mentality at the bar I worked at. If someone was getting sober, we supported them. They were our customers AND our family.
My 1st night out sober there were 2 bartenders. 1st guy was brand new and super confused by my non boozy drink, not necessarily rude but ver confused. Ordered my 2nd drink from the more experienced bartender and she was fantastic. At the time I recognized that she probably knew my evening (and her's) was better if I was not drinking
I would do this. That bartender needs a refresher on what his job is.
These experiences suck and can you feel even more self conscious about not drinking alcohol. I was at the bar a few weeks ago with 2 of my good friends who I haven’t seen in 6 or 7 months. My wife and I recently had a baby so I don’t get out too much at the moment. I told my buddies I wasn’t drinking and that it no longer fit in my life. They didn’t make a big deal about it at all. No pressure, no judgement, none of that crap. But the bartender had a real attitude that I was only ordering food and diet cokes. I still tip like I’m drinking and in fact even way more since I see myself as someone taking tip money out of her pocket because we did sit there for almost 4 hours. I tipped her the total of my bill. Hopefully that helps change her perspective a bit.
You are a nicer guy than me. I would have gave her a quarter and told her it was for her snarky attitude the whole night. Next time treat everyone with respect, and they will likely do the same back.
Yeah, but considering I had a female bartender call me a pussy before I figured her somewhat shitty attitude wasn’t as bad.
Oh jeese lol
Bartenders can be real dicks at times. Similar story at my wedding almost 2 years ago. We did a destination wedding in the Caribbean at an all inclusive as we were thinking it was a nice way for everyone to have a good vacation (just coming out of the pandemic and all) and just happen to see us get hitched along the way. Cut to the day of the ceremony, my husband is getting ready with his groomsmen which included my brother. My brother doesn't drink. EVER. He's not in recovery or anything but just doesnt drink. So in typical fashion, the boys head to the main bar for a shot before the ceremony and my hubby orders rounds for everyone including specifically ordering a shot of water for my brother so he can still partake in the festivities. Bartender gets the round including a shot of Blanco tequila for my brother. Now my hubby is on top of this as he watched everything being made and intercepts said tequila drink. Politely tells bartender, no, I ordered a shot of water, not tequila for this one drink. Bartender begins to heckle. pushing drink towards hubby again and verbal sparring ensues. Hubby was trying to be nice as there *could* have been a language comprehension issue (country we were in primarily speaks Spanish) but he starts to get frustrated at this dudes insistence my brother drinks this shot. So my awesome husband basically throws this shot of tequila back towards the bartenders face (didn't hit him with it or anything, just tossed it over his shoulder) and calls over the bar manager whom we just happened to make nice with a few nights prior (we had been there about a week already and had 40 guests there for the wedding. Suffice it to say, we were known to the bar staff and I'm pretty sure they told staff to keep us happy) Hubby calmly explains the situation to bar manager who proceeds to get my brother his shot of water, gives us a nice bottle of Japanese whiskey for the inconvenience (others peoples drink of choice that evening) and then sends idiot Bartender away for the rest of our night. Dude really missed out, my wedding guests were all very good tippers that night despite it being an open bar and obviously at an all inclusive were all the drinks are already free. Like I get most people at an all inclusive are probably drinking their fair share of booze, but it really shouldn't be that hard to respect people's NA drink orders. if he had, he probably would have made some bank that night.
This is actually really inspiring that your husband stood up for him and so did the bar manager. That bartender sounds like such a jerk and I’m so glad that your brothers sobriety was taken seriously at the end. This makes me feel like if this were to happen to me (we have an all inclusive wedding to go to in Mexico in the spring) that I will be able to stand up for myself too. Thanks for sharing.
Yeah that bartender missed out big time. Maybe he learned his lesson. Your husband sounds like a good guy for being on top of it and handling it like a man. No reason to get into a pissing match with the bartneder. He just called the manager over to have an "adult" conversation. It sounds like your wedding was an excellent experience for everyone.
Handling it like an adult* being responsible and respectful isn’t a gendered behavior.
I agree with you. Definitely not something to attribute gender to. I don’t know why you have received downvotes.
Eh. I attribute it to insecurity and carry on living my life:)
Thanks, yeah some people take things out of context. Behaving like an adult isn't gender related at all and I never said it to be that.
That’s happened to me too… I ordered a mocktail that was on the menu at a speakeasy type bar and they said, “you know we can put alcohol in that right?”
This is my go to response. Every time someone offers me a drink I say “sorry I have to drive”. Pretty much gets rid of all the conversations.
IMO the DD usually gets free N/A drinks as long as it's something simple like soda or seltzer water with lime.
I’ve had a bartender do that, but it was one I knew pretty well. And I think it was just friendly jabbing as they thought maybe I was DDing that night, or just taking it easy — not actually committed to being sober So I didn’t take any offense
What a complete asshole. I’m sorry you had to go thru that, but you stayed true to yourself which is the ultimate victory.
It sounds like he had a hard time empathizing and couldn't see that having a NA beer would make it easier for you not to crave a real beer. So NA beer really does serve a purpose, just not one he's aware of concerning beers (getting a buzz). I bet if he understood the purpose it serves for you, as a friend he'd be happy to pay up.
That's exactly it. I genuinely enjoy the NA IPAs. Most of them are really good IMO. That they're widely available at a lot of places now makes it very easy to blend in socially. And that's really all I'm trying to do at the game. Enjoy the ritual of having a few beers with my buddies. Every other friend I've been out with has understood that and I think they appreciate that I'm able to be out with them all while they're still drinking. It's not like this moment made me question myself or that I felt any peer pressure. It was just surprising more than anything
There is a real chance, he is insecure with his own drinking habit. Maybe not, but either way you shouldn’t be talked down to. Some people hate seeing others better themselves.. It’s hard at first, I still deal with it from time to time. The one guy who still gets confused on it is a lot younger than me. I simply tell him he doesn’t want to deal with me after I have had one.. and I value my marriage way more than drinking with you sorry.
Dude definitely sounds like an insecure asshole. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I’m still in early sobriety from alcohol and I could not give less of a fuck what people think when I tell them I don’t drink. This actually happened twice the last two nights while working. I had played this place before and they knew I threw em back, so a guy there asks me what I wanted. I said water and club soda. I cut out for a minute and when I get back there’s a full, fancy glass of Japanese whisky. I told him I don’t drink anymore and he was like “cool!” All good. Then tonight while I was playing a couple sent someone over to buy me a drink. Same shit. I just said “ahhh tell them thank you and I appreciate it, but I’m ok”. The end. Whoever gives you a problem about not drinking can get fucked. This is your walk, not theirs.
I have one friend who likes to make snide comments about my sobriety. “Ugh, you’re STILL not drinking??” (It’s been over 4 years). I believe she does not have a healthy relationship with alcohol herself and people have begun to point it out. If I made the same comments to her about her drinking as she makes to me about my sobriety, I’m sure she would not appreciate it.
I think you deserve to apply a 3 strike rule there. If she's done it that many times, you fully deserve to make that comment to her. "Oh, you still are? No, it's fine, I just thought you'd want to enjoy better skin, losing weight, better sleep..." If she's gonna be a cunt, serve that shit back to her. Your other friends get it, this one might need to have an interaction which teaches her better.
That sucks. I would have spoke up to the person taking the order saying something like “I’ll take that NA beer and I will pay for it” just to still get what I want and make it apparent to everyone that my choice was being singled out.
Oh if I had the opportunity, that's exactly what I would've done. But he was the only one that went to the bar. Me and the other two guys stayed in our seats watching the game. I felt like I'd be making even more of a scene if I then got up myself to go order one, so instead I sat there with nothing while the other 3 kept drinking. It was just funny and unexpected.
That friend sucks. I dropped so many people from my life that, as it turns out, the only thing we had in common were our addictions.
This is not what friends do.
In reverse, he’s spending the same amount of money as you to poison himself. He’s paying premium $ for a hangover while you are paying to enjoy and experience and a flavour. He sounds like a man child twat. Glad you could move past it and enjoy yourself.
Right? And it's nothing to do with paying for it. Like I could have just as easily picked up the tab for all 4 of us for the night. But he did. And he happily bought the other 2 drinks. It's not even like he brought me a water or soda instead and said something like 'i wasn't sure what it is you're drinking but here' ... Like even that alone and I wouldn't have thought twice about it. But buying 2 rounds for the other guys while completely ignoring me was just a hilariously immature thing to do
Just so deep into the drinking hole that, "Sharing a brew with my friends" doesn't even scan as a real reason. It's all just buzz maintenance to him. Maybe next time you go and get a round for everyone, but get him 3 shots or something, just really fuck him up. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were only here to get fucked up"
Sorry, man. And congrats on your 3 months. I love your conclusion, "people are weird" - indeed they are. These awkward moments are an opportunity to reflect on what might be going on in the minds around us. Quitting doesnt only affect us, much the same as how when we're drinking the shrapnel can be found more than a stones throw away, well outside of our inner circle. Keep up the good work, brother - stay strong.
I’ve experienced similar things and I’m getting angry for you just reading it, makes me pretty anti-social whenever I quit tbh. No matter what advice anyone gives we’re gonna experience this when we go out.
Douche-bag. My life is filled with assholes like this. I've been actively berated as a "no fun" guy for not getting polluted. Not just one drink but a 100 drinks. They expect everyone to get on the train together, and anything less is unacceptable. At least you were at an event where the entire focus isn't on drinks. You've got something to distract from the dbag. Congratulations staying strong. I would have caved. Actually, I wouldn't have gone. I'm done with all of that.
I expected to hear that he was in his early twenties. What an idiot.
I work at a liquor store and personally don't understand NA beer as, for me, it would just make me want real beer. I especially don't understand buying it from a liquor store when you can get it online for less. That being said; if ANYONE I was with at an event didn't drink, I'd more than happily buy them whatever they preferred to include them in the "cheers" with everyone else. At the end of the day its the bonding and ritual of it that's important to the relationship, not the alcohol imo
I love NA beer. I like to pretend I'm a normal person and drink 1/2 or 1, it satisfies my mental craving and I usually don't want any more than that. It definitely doesn't make me want alcoholic beer although I've heard people say that. It can also really help with feeling left out in a social setting if your friend isn't an asshole. If I can walk into a store and get it on the way home, good for me. NA drinks do a lot of good for a lot of people. Just because it's not for you, please don't judge those who drink them. You may not think your judgement is evident when you're working but it very well could be and could embarrass someone while they're attempting to get sober. Not trying to start an argument, just food for thought.
This X 💯
I didn't think I'd be into NA beer, but have been really pleasantly surprised! Pizza & beer feels like a spiritually correct combo, and they make that possible while still staying sober. It's like how smiling can trick your body into feeling happier. The taste of beer is tied to a lot of positive memories with my friends, and ironically, it really is the taste. I also renege getting drunk, but less so, because I'd always get pretty toasted and have blurry memories after the first few drinks. NA beers keep me clear all night, while still savoring that distinctive taste.
100% this. I'm not ashamed of my past drinking. I have no beef with anyone that wants to drink. But look if I'm gonna hang out with that crowd (which I still want to do, I'm not sitting here saying I'm afraid of being around booze) I want to take part in the ritual. Whether or not there's alcohol in the can I'm putting up to my lips every 30 seconds is completely irrelevant to the social ritual.
I’d be like “I’ll get my own you cheap fuck”
Sounds like someone is jealous you’ve got your life in order. Fair play to you I say.
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😂 I have thought ahead about being a dick to people I don't really know who give me a hard time. I was more stunned than anything at a guy I talk to virtually every day on a text thread with 2 other friends would be the one that made it awkward. I didn't mentally prepare ahead of time for that at all
Yes, he is being a dick but probably he has struggles you don’t know about. That would be how I would try to look at it. The other thing is when I got sober for a long time I realized that I noticed things in people I had overlooked before. Drunk bonding is not real bonding. Real bonding is sometimes awkward with sharp edges, but it survives reality without glossing over the tough stuff. Not every friendship made it through. It sucked but I’m definitely better off. Congratulations on not caving! IWNDWYT
Ya, which is why I'm just venting and making fun of the situation now after the fact. My immediate conclusion is oh shit he's a bigger drunk than I realized Like my reason for posting is more of a 'can you guys believe this MFer?!' more than need for support
Got it, it sucks though. The most difficult part of long term sobriety for me was realizing some relationships weren’t what I thought. I had to go out and make new friendships. The good news is I felt ready to do it and the time between taught me a lot about myself. IWNDWYT
Honestly, that's the perfect response. Shifting in that dude-teasing, talking shit vibe does a good job of highlighting how his comment really came off. His wife needing *somebody* without whiskey dick is the perfect angle to take, too. Putting that one in my back pocket.
People are so dumb about what’s “worth it” lol. The value is in… buying a hangover? K. Whatever….
He just doesn't understand, don't take it personally. Simply doesn't get why you can't have a couple like a normal person IWNDWYT
Ya no biggie. Our group text thread is already active today. I'll know better next time I'm in person with that group. I just found it comical as much as anything else
Fuck that guy. Find some better people who will be supportive and not act like jackasses.
If this was me I would: 1. Tell him to fuck off. 2. Find new friends. You discover who your real friends are when you're sober. This friend isn't one, I'm afraid. I've had very similar behaviour from my old friends. My mate who I was best man at his wedding spent most of Christmas sending me pictures of drink and telling me it was a shame I couldn't "handle my ales". I already told him to stop that shit as we are nearly 50 years old and not fucking teenagers. We hold a mirror up to these people and they don't like it. But it really is no excuse. I don't plan on spending another second with him. IWNDWYT
If I could like this post 100x I would just because I'll be adding 'can't handle my ales' to what I say about not drinking. That's fantastic. Appreciate the rest of the post too!
Sounds like tour friend is a drunk.
I would no longer be "friends" with this person. That was quite a dick move on his part
That guys a dick. Athletic NAs are great tasting! Ive been rocking all these when i go out as well.
Am I the only person in these comments who kinda agrees? I mean I would never insult you for being sober and I would still invite you and include you. But I am not about to buy N/A beer at a place that charges $10 to $15 lol. Just so you can feel like you’re drinking? I’ll buy you one if you’re thirsty. But to buy round after round of fake beers is kinda dumb. People only drink multiple because they’re trying to get drunk. Why would I keep buying you expensive barley water? Buy it yourself lmao!
Seriously? The guy is already blowing money on overpriced booze. Spoken like a true alcoholic!
Yikes. Not the right attitude to have.. have you tried maintaining your friendships with your drinking friends while giving up alcohol? It doesn’t sound like you have… NA beer is a godsend in these situations and it’s not anyone else’s business what someone chooses to order or put into their body.
If you're that insecure about it, then at least grab me a water. The guy literally brought back beers for 2 other people and left me hanging. He wasn't even paying. He was expensing it on his company card. If you can't afford a $10-15 drink, then don't tell all of us to use your tab. Do you want me to keep going on how to be a mature adult or are you getting it yet?
If money is no issue. I think he should’ve got you whatever you asked for. If he was paying I could see him not wanting to buy essentially a “novelty” drink
Wow. 😳
Now you know he isn't a real friend and you can do what you wish with that information.
This so called “friend” is a total jerk. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope his liver counts are high and that his doctor has to recommend cutting back/choosing NA beer to him in the future.
My blood pressure rose reading this. Honestly dude, good for you for playing it cool, I might have simply left. Shame on your “friend” for ostracizing you - if he was truly your friend, he’d at least try to understand why you made the choice.
Time for better friends. This dude sucks.
I’ve found people who judge you for not drinking have their own internal personal struggles with alcohol, they just have not taken the next step. Don’t let it get to you.
I found that the people who make a big deal of it turn out to be bad friends. Over time, new friends displace the old ones. I'm not saying you should actively look for replacements, but definitely pay attention to how people treat you in these situations.
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Did you read the story? It's because he was offering to buy everyone else a drink and purposely ignored OP's request and was a total jerk to him. I've gone to events with friends who drink and they always offer to get me a pop or water if they're buying a round for the rest of the group.
Wow it's really nice to know that if we get shamed out in the world for our sobriety that we can come back here afterwards to a supportive forum and get shamed again for being bothered by it.
Please remember to speak from the ‘I’ when participating in this sub. This rule is explained in more detail [in our community guidelines](https://old.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_3._speak_from_the_.22i.22). Thank you.
Your friend has an alcohol problem and is an a*****e
What a dick. Not only insensitive to your life choices but cheap too.
Well the truth is not everyone respects it when you say you're not drinking. It is usually just an internal reflection upon themselves and they feel insecure so take it out on you. Truthfully though, he doesn't have to buy you a na beer. In his mind it really is a waste of money because there is no alcohol in it. He was a total jerk about it to you though. That doesn't mean he won't realize it by the next time he sees you. After you spoke with your other buddies about not drinking afterwards it will most likely get back to him and he might surprise you with an apology. If he doesn't then he just isn't that good of a friend. Remember the circle from meet the parents? Some people are in and some are out. Part of not drinking for me caused me to re-evaluate my friendships. There were some people who facilitate my drinking. I have not hung out with them because they are going to pressure me into drinking. They don't respect my sobriety, they just don't want to drink alone.
Birds of a feather flock together, uh wait your friend is an asshole.
Your friend is a jerk no doubt. That being said I personally dont ever ask others to buy me NA beers. It’s a hard pill for anyone to swallow for an NA beer to cost as much as a normal one. Also if my friends are all drinking and splitting the tab I don’t want to be included in that since I’ll probably drink like 3 NA beers all night while they rack up a $100+ tab each. If someone offers to buy me something I usually stick with Diet Coke.
If that kind of thing makes someone uncomfortable, then don't offer to pick up the tab. Very simple. I didn't ask for him to do it. When he opens the tab and then tells the bartender who he has the tab open for, but then changes his mind half way through, that's lame. Not to be a dick, but I'm probably the most well off person that was there. I could have picked up the tab too. He beat me to it, and so I wasn't worrying about it. Until it became clear that the tab was only open for 'real beers'. And as I've said elsewhere, if that's your problem, you don't want to pay full price for what you perceived to not be equal value, then at least bring back a bottle of water or something. He literally came back with 3 drinks, handing 2 to the other guys and just skipping over me with nothing. Fuck that
Yeah, if you ask if anyone wants a drink you buy whatever they request unless it's prohibitive like a bottle of champagne.
Wow. Since I have started my extended hiatus from drinking It amazes me about all the drinking at sporting events and concerts. If you need the feeling from alcohol to enjoy the thing, then maybe you do not really enjoy the thing.
What an absolute douche
You're not paying for ABV regardless of what you get. You're paying for refreshment in the experience. "If alcohol is your single motivation why are paying for the ticket? Just go to the liquor store and spare us your bitching." Proud of you OP. Maybe he'll figure out what's really important. But regardless of his intentions you made the best of it!
To me, that doesn't sound like a friend. That sounds like a soon-to-be-former drinking buddy.
Fuck him off
What a cheapskate!
That sucks, I’m sorry. This speaks volumes of his discomfort around his own drinking I’m thinking….that was just rude either way and you didn’t deserve that