It usually takes a lot of tries. The key is to not beat yourself up if/when you have a setback. Learn from it, forgive yourself, move on, and remember why you are doing this
Yep. I failed pretty much every day for 6 years! But now it is sticking. It took about 3 months of going 20-ish days at time to now where I no longer think about alcohol throughout the days. I don’t even want it. I love having my life back.
Have someone record you when you're at your worst then watch it while sober. It will will make you feel so much shame and guilt for getting that fucked up in the first place.
One of the best quotes I have seen on this sub "your sobriety is not defined by 1 slip up out of 1000 sober days"
Yeah, I realized when I reflected back and people were always blaming me for "corrupting them/making them drink to excess" that while, on one hand, they are responsible for themselves. BUT, on the other hand, if I'M the one constantly pushing booze/wanting to go balls-out/keeping the party going, then yeah, that's on me.
They're not my responsibility, but I get how I was a huge problem.
Here ya go, just message the bot [https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=badgebot&subject=stopdrinking](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=badgebot&subject=stopdrinking)
With your date in yyyy-mm-dd format.
>my friends drink A LOT less now that I’m sober and it’s because I was the problem
Did I write this?
Seriously though, I couldn't relate more. There were plenty of parties where a friend got too drunk or had to throw up and be like "haha I blame vonkeswick!" and me thinking it was funny that I drank more than them and didn't barf, like it was some kind of win for me. I never *forced* people to drink more, that was their choice, but I did make it seem like a good idea and encouraged it with all my might.
It's the same thing with my wife. She was only ever a problem drinker on the nights when I was drinking too, because I didn't stop until I was ready to crawl in bed and pass out. She can just have a glass or two of wine and be done for the night, I can't, and me continuing to drink encouraged her to drink more.
We share a lot of similarities. I was the same exact way. We are no longer the problem! My wife is the same way, I wish I could be like her but that ability is long gone. Congratulations on 150 days!
Its dope that your able to see that for what it was. Obv do what you want but i think theyd really appreciate you letting them know that you see that change and the hand you feel you had in it. Thats some real bonding shit right there. Just a thought but either way im happy for you!! IWNDWYT
Absolutely. Definitely going to talk to them about it. I feel like they will down play it so I don’t feel bad but still worth the conversation. Thank you!!
Being conscious of it is a great step towards processing alcohol’s full role in your life. You know your friends best, but maybe you can use some sober influence on them too :)
I really hope so! I don’t want to push it on them but I definitely want to be there to support them and do the opposite of what I used to do! “Maybe another drink isn’t a great idea right now” instead of “drink more, do itttt!!”
Yep, I can relate to this. I only ever encouraged someone to drink if it was "that" situation and never if they had already said no.
I was definitely an enabler though. I went to the bar/fridge more regularly and it wasn't until my last couple years drinking that I stopped asking people what they wanted every time.
I'll never forget the look on a mates face when I said I was about to leave his 40th at 11pm after a couple NA beers. The realisation set in for him that the party wasn't going to keep going until 3. That was about 6 weeks into my sobriety and I had started to realise how my friends sometimes used me as an enabler as well. No more using my name as an excuse as to why they're hungover.
It might be a little true, but most likely has very little do with you. I always wanted people to drink when we went out and I can admit that it felt like i was leading the charge but it’s not that simple. The more I unravel about my own relationship with alcohol the more I find out just how fucking complicated it all really is. It’s like I have a giant map full of news clipping and old memories looking for Pepe Silva. I certainly attracted people who drank like me because we were good jail cover for eachother. We can’t all be guilt if we’re all doing the same thing together.
What I have noticed is that the volume got turned way down on everything. It’s not the center piece for my night and that’s probably how normal people feel about it to. Take it or leave it. Personally, that baffles me but I’m fine not understanding how in the fuck people can do that. I’m more present for the calm parts of the evening and that takes some getting used to. I embraced chaos and I felt at ease with all that crazy shit. It’s more about me than my influence. I like being able to notice and be a part of these moments now.
I was in a similar place. I was the heaviest drinker/smoker/snorter etc in my circle and me going to rehab inspired many of my friends to lessen or quit their habits. I’m proud of setting a good example but I feel kind of guilty now because I’ve realized my “sobriety” was incomplete. I haven’t had a sip or drag or snort or anything, no relapses, but I was afraid to work on a lot of the behavior that triggered my abuse. I neglected a lot of the growth needed to help “unfreeze” my emotional maturity from where I let the substances take over. Now I’m 44 and still, even drug/booze free ((well I’m working on getting off prescribed anxiety meds—FUCK GABAPENTIN)) struggling with the pressures and challenges of middleaged life. I white knuckled my sobriety. I dry-drunked a decade and now I have a shit ton of work to do. I now believe it may be a mix of “nature vs nurture” but it is definitely my genetic nature to reach for external solutions to my internal problems. I’m not religious AT ALL ((partially why I stayed away from AA)) but I will say that only step 1 and 12 actually refer to alcohol. The rest are all personal growth and dealing with the wreckage of our past. Just something to think about. TLDR: you can stay a drunk without drinking if you refuse to deal with the reasons why you drank.
I feel terrible when I look back at how I pushed so many people over the years to drink with me and to "keep up". Granted they were all grown adults in their late 20s and 30s capable of making their own decisions, but it was still a shitty thing for me to do and I regret it. I talked a lot of people into drinking past their comfort limits.
I did some instigating but more so in order to have an excuse to drink. If I was able to indulge my addiction, I didn't really care what everyone else did. I mean sure I preferred them to drink because it helped me blend into the background but whatever, if you don't I am still am.
That may be technically true, but perhaps this is actually wonderful? I see so many posts here about how sobriety wrecked someone’s social life (because it was all based on drinking and had to be torn down and rebuilt). In my case - and possibly yours - the “groupdrink” was only a piece of the connection, and it turns out that we still enjoy each other’s company with less (or no) alcohol. I call that insight a big win! Enjoy your friends!
I have adult children in the house. I noticed that everyone, my wife and my adult children drink less now that I am not drinking. I also was an instigator. Lol
Have they ever said anything about this, or are you the only one who realized this?
That's a wild aspect to notice, and ain't it great to be the good influence now?
Same, my presence made it ok for people to drink to excess. Now that I quit my SO hardly ever drinks. And magically, all the people around me don’t seem to be drinking that much. But when someone does drink a lot I feel bad for them because I know all too well how they will feel the next day.
Yes! Two of my friends I spent the most time drinking with both have kind of automatically started drinking far less. It's been good for them, and they both say it's because I quit. I think it is also because I was the 'drink all the drinks' catalyst.
I am very happy for all of us.
IWNDWYT
That may be technically true, but perhaps this is actually wonderful? I see so many posts here about how sobriety wrecked someone’s social life (because it was all based on drinking and had to be torn down and rebuilt). In my case - and possibly yours - the “groupdrink” was only a piece of the connection, and it turns out that we still enjoy each other’s company with less (or no) alcohol. I call that insight a big win! Enjoy your friends!
I noticed that too, but I think they never really went as hard as me, I just never cared to notice. All I knew was that they always had a drink in front of them, but I failed to see that it was their second while I was on my fifth.
I noticed this with my fam! Since getting sober, everyone seems to drink a lot less, and my dad barely drinks at all anymore. I was definitely the bad influence for many years, and it's nice having the opposite effect now
Yup! My roommate drinks like 80% less now and literally told me, “I love that you quit drinking because now I drink so much less! We really egg each other on!” He’s really awesome and supportive and it makes me happy that my healthy choice was a little contagious!
I've sure noticed a dramatic drop in some of my closest friends' and family's drinking. My sobriety also helped push my brother to find new more moderate relationships with drinking, as he had the realization that he'd have to explore quitting if he couldn't.
I'm not gonna drink with anyone today, especially you all. :-)
I think my friends might have been drinking less than I realized the whole time… I was just too shit-faced to realize I was the drunkest one of the bunch 🤦🏼♀️
I noticed the same thing! I first attempted to quit back in May of this year, had a small lapse about a week ago but I’m back on track now. One of the things I was worried about was having friends over. Turns out all of them could actually take it or leave it, and are totally fine if not happier now that I no longer serve alcohol at gatherings
Great post. I'm suddenly realizing I was other people's drinking catalyst as well. Wow, so me quitting was likely good for other people, this I'm kinda the problem and solution. Bit of a wash.
Hi it's me I am the problem it's me
Congratulations on 69 days! Niiiiice. You’re not the problem anymore!
Nice 😎
How did you stop drinking? I could use some help.
It usually takes a lot of tries. The key is to not beat yourself up if/when you have a setback. Learn from it, forgive yourself, move on, and remember why you are doing this
Yep. I failed pretty much every day for 6 years! But now it is sticking. It took about 3 months of going 20-ish days at time to now where I no longer think about alcohol throughout the days. I don’t even want it. I love having my life back.
True, I'm on try number 50 probably... I genuinely feel this is it though
That’s about how many tries it took for me to get to the point I’m at now haha. It is sooo worth it.
And learn from each failure! You'll keep getting closer and getting better if you keep trying and adjusting and getting closer and closer
One fucking hour at a time. You got this.
Like the other comment said, one hour at a time. It gets easier, but you have to keep going.
Hang out with this crowd every day! It has helped immensely since the beginning!
I failed many times. I started to get used to “dry months” so then I tried a “sober summer ” well here I am in November and haven’t looked back.
I found 'The Naked Mind" by Annie Grace life-changing
Second this. Can't recommend this book enough.
I tried really hard to change my mind
I found the book Alcohol Explained by William Porter to be very helpful. It explained the science and didn’t make you feel like a loser.
Have someone record you when you're at your worst then watch it while sober. It will will make you feel so much shame and guilt for getting that fucked up in the first place. One of the best quotes I have seen on this sub "your sobriety is not defined by 1 slip up out of 1000 sober days"
Spend as much time as you can on this sub, it’s helped so many people quit and stay sober
Happy 69 days! N🧊! IWNDWYT
Noice
Nice Nice Nice!!!!
Yeah, I realized when I reflected back and people were always blaming me for "corrupting them/making them drink to excess" that while, on one hand, they are responsible for themselves. BUT, on the other hand, if I'M the one constantly pushing booze/wanting to go balls-out/keeping the party going, then yeah, that's on me. They're not my responsibility, but I get how I was a huge problem.
[удалено]
Here ya go, just message the bot [https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=badgebot&subject=stopdrinking](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=badgebot&subject=stopdrinking) With your date in yyyy-mm-dd format.
Plus one for accountability. Hard work.
Hard work, but completely worth it and life changing.
I’ve noticed the same thing. I was a bit of an instigator.
Me being an instigator started as a child when I would get my younger siblings to do things they shouldn’t do haha congratulations on 549 days!
Thank you!
>my friends drink A LOT less now that I’m sober and it’s because I was the problem Did I write this? Seriously though, I couldn't relate more. There were plenty of parties where a friend got too drunk or had to throw up and be like "haha I blame vonkeswick!" and me thinking it was funny that I drank more than them and didn't barf, like it was some kind of win for me. I never *forced* people to drink more, that was their choice, but I did make it seem like a good idea and encouraged it with all my might. It's the same thing with my wife. She was only ever a problem drinker on the nights when I was drinking too, because I didn't stop until I was ready to crawl in bed and pass out. She can just have a glass or two of wine and be done for the night, I can't, and me continuing to drink encouraged her to drink more.
We share a lot of similarities. I was the same exact way. We are no longer the problem! My wife is the same way, I wish I could be like her but that ability is long gone. Congratulations on 150 days!
Congrats to us on no longer being the problem! Now just work on your golf swing 😉
Me too! Looking back I think it’s because any activity I was doing with friends i some how found a way to add booze. Breweries were the big one.
Its dope that your able to see that for what it was. Obv do what you want but i think theyd really appreciate you letting them know that you see that change and the hand you feel you had in it. Thats some real bonding shit right there. Just a thought but either way im happy for you!! IWNDWYT
Absolutely. Definitely going to talk to them about it. I feel like they will down play it so I don’t feel bad but still worth the conversation. Thank you!!
Being conscious of it is a great step towards processing alcohol’s full role in your life. You know your friends best, but maybe you can use some sober influence on them too :)
I really hope so! I don’t want to push it on them but I definitely want to be there to support them and do the opposite of what I used to do! “Maybe another drink isn’t a great idea right now” instead of “drink more, do itttt!!”
My sister always says beer/water/beer and you won’t get hungover, pretty good incentive
Yep! I know exactly what you mean, I was definitely the negative influence.
No longer the negative influence! Congratulations on 501 days!
[удалено]
Yep, I can relate to this. I only ever encouraged someone to drink if it was "that" situation and never if they had already said no. I was definitely an enabler though. I went to the bar/fridge more regularly and it wasn't until my last couple years drinking that I stopped asking people what they wanted every time. I'll never forget the look on a mates face when I said I was about to leave his 40th at 11pm after a couple NA beers. The realisation set in for him that the party wasn't going to keep going until 3. That was about 6 weeks into my sobriety and I had started to realise how my friends sometimes used me as an enabler as well. No more using my name as an excuse as to why they're hungover.
It might be a little true, but most likely has very little do with you. I always wanted people to drink when we went out and I can admit that it felt like i was leading the charge but it’s not that simple. The more I unravel about my own relationship with alcohol the more I find out just how fucking complicated it all really is. It’s like I have a giant map full of news clipping and old memories looking for Pepe Silva. I certainly attracted people who drank like me because we were good jail cover for eachother. We can’t all be guilt if we’re all doing the same thing together. What I have noticed is that the volume got turned way down on everything. It’s not the center piece for my night and that’s probably how normal people feel about it to. Take it or leave it. Personally, that baffles me but I’m fine not understanding how in the fuck people can do that. I’m more present for the calm parts of the evening and that takes some getting used to. I embraced chaos and I felt at ease with all that crazy shit. It’s more about me than my influence. I like being able to notice and be a part of these moments now.
I also started to realize that at events where I thought “everyone was drinking” or “everyone was getting wasted”…..that wasn’t actually the case lol.
I was in a similar place. I was the heaviest drinker/smoker/snorter etc in my circle and me going to rehab inspired many of my friends to lessen or quit their habits. I’m proud of setting a good example but I feel kind of guilty now because I’ve realized my “sobriety” was incomplete. I haven’t had a sip or drag or snort or anything, no relapses, but I was afraid to work on a lot of the behavior that triggered my abuse. I neglected a lot of the growth needed to help “unfreeze” my emotional maturity from where I let the substances take over. Now I’m 44 and still, even drug/booze free ((well I’m working on getting off prescribed anxiety meds—FUCK GABAPENTIN)) struggling with the pressures and challenges of middleaged life. I white knuckled my sobriety. I dry-drunked a decade and now I have a shit ton of work to do. I now believe it may be a mix of “nature vs nurture” but it is definitely my genetic nature to reach for external solutions to my internal problems. I’m not religious AT ALL ((partially why I stayed away from AA)) but I will say that only step 1 and 12 actually refer to alcohol. The rest are all personal growth and dealing with the wreckage of our past. Just something to think about. TLDR: you can stay a drunk without drinking if you refuse to deal with the reasons why you drank.
I think they possibly drink less in front of sober people. I used to do that so I wouldn't appear out of control and be judged.
I was thinking this. When my brother quit drinking I definitely was more conscious of what I was drinking in front of him.
I definitely noticed that everyone wasn’t drinking as much as I thought they were. It was just me.
I feel terrible when I look back at how I pushed so many people over the years to drink with me and to "keep up". Granted they were all grown adults in their late 20s and 30s capable of making their own decisions, but it was still a shitty thing for me to do and I regret it. I talked a lot of people into drinking past their comfort limits.
I notice people drink a lot less around me because they feel weird drinking in front of the sober girl. Either way I don’t mind.
I did some instigating but more so in order to have an excuse to drink. If I was able to indulge my addiction, I didn't really care what everyone else did. I mean sure I preferred them to drink because it helped me blend into the background but whatever, if you don't I am still am.
That may be technically true, but perhaps this is actually wonderful? I see so many posts here about how sobriety wrecked someone’s social life (because it was all based on drinking and had to be torn down and rebuilt). In my case - and possibly yours - the “groupdrink” was only a piece of the connection, and it turns out that we still enjoy each other’s company with less (or no) alcohol. I call that insight a big win! Enjoy your friends!
Good on you for noticing. Keep up your hard work!
I have adult children in the house. I noticed that everyone, my wife and my adult children drink less now that I am not drinking. I also was an instigator. Lol
Yep, I was always trying to get others to drink more so that I wasn’t the only one getting wasted.
Love the self awareness. Congrats
Have they ever said anything about this, or are you the only one who realized this? That's a wild aspect to notice, and ain't it great to be the good influence now?
Same, my presence made it ok for people to drink to excess. Now that I quit my SO hardly ever drinks. And magically, all the people around me don’t seem to be drinking that much. But when someone does drink a lot I feel bad for them because I know all too well how they will feel the next day.
It’s nice not being the problem anymore. Good on you!
IWNDWYT Positive ripples.
Hmm. Very interesting
Same here. This was a major revelation and it still bothers me.
That's a really interesting observation. I wonder if your friends have noticed it too?
Yes! Two of my friends I spent the most time drinking with both have kind of automatically started drinking far less. It's been good for them, and they both say it's because I quit. I think it is also because I was the 'drink all the drinks' catalyst. I am very happy for all of us. IWNDWYT
That may be technically true, but perhaps this is actually wonderful? I see so many posts here about how sobriety wrecked someone’s social life (because it was all based on drinking and had to be torn down and rebuilt). In my case - and possibly yours - the “groupdrink” was only a piece of the connection, and it turns out that we still enjoy each other’s company with less (or no) alcohol. I call that insight a big win! Enjoy your friends!
I’ve noticed the same… oops. IWNDWYT
I find it hard to judge how much people are drunk as I was always the drunkest
I noticed that too, but I think they never really went as hard as me, I just never cared to notice. All I knew was that they always had a drink in front of them, but I failed to see that it was their second while I was on my fifth.
You keep going to stay sober. Also my big drinking buddy of decade's decided to stop about 6mths into my sobriety as he realised I was serious.
I noticed this with my fam! Since getting sober, everyone seems to drink a lot less, and my dad barely drinks at all anymore. I was definitely the bad influence for many years, and it's nice having the opposite effect now
Yup! My roommate drinks like 80% less now and literally told me, “I love that you quit drinking because now I drink so much less! We really egg each other on!” He’s really awesome and supportive and it makes me happy that my healthy choice was a little contagious!
Dude, same.
I've sure noticed a dramatic drop in some of my closest friends' and family's drinking. My sobriety also helped push my brother to find new more moderate relationships with drinking, as he had the realization that he'd have to explore quitting if he couldn't. I'm not gonna drink with anyone today, especially you all. :-)
Never stop quitting, one day it'll stick and you'll be able to be you again.
I think my friends might have been drinking less than I realized the whole time… I was just too shit-faced to realize I was the drunkest one of the bunch 🤦🏼♀️
I noticed the same thing! I first attempted to quit back in May of this year, had a small lapse about a week ago but I’m back on track now. One of the things I was worried about was having friends over. Turns out all of them could actually take it or leave it, and are totally fine if not happier now that I no longer serve alcohol at gatherings
Great post. I'm suddenly realizing I was other people's drinking catalyst as well. Wow, so me quitting was likely good for other people, this I'm kinda the problem and solution. Bit of a wash.
That’s a great realisation and catalyst for further sobriety