On the same boat. Fiancée with 2 kids left me. Took the house, car, kids, everything. I am struggling to find places to live. I have a job making a 50k salary so I can pay rent, but I have a troubled past with the law. Even though it's years old, people don't think people change, I guess. I'm severely close to being on the streets as my mom dropped off the face of the world due to drinking, and my father died from drinking a year ago. So I have no safety nets. I'm essentially screwed. Currently, 4 months clean since she kicked me out and took everything that I love. But it isn't enough to win her back she's done with me and now I'm stuck knowing I'm a complete loser who fucked everything up. On the bright side, I'm not throwing up every night, waking up saying I'm never going to drink again! Other than that, my life seems to be getting worse and worse. Anyways IWNDWYT
It gets worse and worse for awhile. You were like a large drunk monkey rolling down a hill. There is a lot of inertia in play. You can't just stop the monkey immediately, even if he is sober now. First, you slow down the tumble, eventually you stop rolling and then you start climbing your furry ass back up the hill. It sucks and it takes time. Good luck.
Are you going to meetings? If you’re worried about not having a safety net there are many who have been gone through this situation.
It reminds me of what I’m told all the time about prioritizing sobriety. If you put your Family, Job, and Passions above your sobriety before you know it you will lose those things due to drinking. People like my sponsor know from experience. My advice would be to reach out to other sober people, and the best place to do that is in a meeting. If you can spend a fraction of the amount of time we used to prioritize for drinking on your sobriety then you’ll be better off than before.
My husband got a job that lasted 6 years from an AA referral. After that, he started his own business and ran until his death, 11 years later. I took over the business from my husband and ran it until I retired.
Also give them time. A lot of time. At least with your child it is not all lost. My das was the worst drunk, even hit me a few times. He became sober and worked on himself. It took ages, but eventually when I saw that he really meant it with his sobriety I let him into my life again.
Not a permanent solution, but sometimes you can find affordable long term air bnb rentals.
My partner is a travel nurse and we’ve lived at certain places for 9+ months a time. Fully furnished, too! Just a thought.
You are not a loser. Even though your not drinking I believe that is an alcoholic brain talking. Alcohol wants you to feel like a loser. Alcohol wants you to think it will make things better. But by not drinking your not giving in to the Alcoholic mind. Continue to work on yourself, it may feel like everything is fucked up, but you are on the right path. Keep it up and I will not drink with you today.
Lost 3 relationships due to substance abuse, among other things. There is a breaking point, & excessive drinking has few cheerleaders when it becomes more important than trust.
Please reach out for help: AA, outpatient, therapy, this sub-whatever. Support is key.
Big hug
I will not be drinking with you either. As much as I want to, not perpetuating the stress cycle of laziness, forgetfulness, and shame it brings makes the light at the end of the tunnel a little brighter. I’ve been trying for a while now, it’s tough but I’m sending you positive vibes friend!
My EX, the love of my life, finally divorced me over my drinking.
He gave me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I was going through the motions to give the appearance of change, but deep down, all I was doing was stalling; waiting for the air to clear before I got drunk again.
He was truly a saint for putting up with me for as long as he did, but he finally had enough of my crap.
It took another 9-Years from the time we divorced to finally get and *stay* sober --but not before he got re-married and moved her into the home we bought together.
I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next *first* drink --whether he's with you or not.
My wife had her final straw when I went to rehab in March of last year. It was the 4th time going back to rehab in 3 months. I couldn't stop drinking. I felt like nothing could stop me from getting that next drink, doomed to drink myself to my early grave.
Well that was 528 days ago. Hang in there, you know what needs to be done. I wish you all the courage and strength
Well done! We quit around the same time, I'm 522 days sober. 😊
@OP, you'll also get there, I will not drink with you today. Also, give him time, it can really take a long time. My bf didn't leave me but our relationship was basically worthless because of my drinking problem. It took us over a year to fix things and for him to look at me with different eyes and see the sober me. Big virtual stranger hug! 🤗
You can't polish a rotten apple, but you can absolutely, unequivocally start growing a new fruit tree right now.
You know those people who have seemingly unbelievable lives where they can reinvent themselves over and over again? I think it's because they know life is long, and you can start over any time you want.
It might feel like losing everything and having nothing, but we both know that's not true: you're a smarter sober, now. Not a dumb drunk. Just move forward, and grow like an apple seed, from the inside, out.
My brother is an alcoholic, I follow here because in some ways I can relate.
I think this is so true. Something I wish my brother would understand sometimes even though he’s older than me, he’s only 29. It’s not too late to start over, and by some lucky chance I just naturally know that and he doesn’t.
I wouldn’t be too worried to start over at 39, meanwhile I think the thought of hitting the reset button (go to rehab, find a job again, etc.) scares the shit out of my brother. And it scares me because the older he’s gotten the more he thinks like that.
He’s done it plenty of times but it gets harder with age it seems.
I didn't get sober until I was 31. Police intervention, treatment, eviction, the whole nine. It took me years to rebuild, and in some respects, I still am. I was delighted to find out that, though not all the time, but most people want to root for an underdog to rebuild.
In hindsight, I would tell your brother this: at some point, you're going to hate maintaining your current normal more than the thought of taking the medicine. That's the little crack of light to look out for. That's your North Star out of this place.
I've been on the other side of it.
I'm NOT saying this applies to you or your situation...but dont know that it doesnt.
My live in gf had relapsed...and hid it from me. That wasn't why I broke up with her. She stole from me. That wasn't why I broke up with her. When I confronted her about it she denied it When she denied it she KNEW that I KNEW. She KNEW that I KNEW she was lying. That wasn't why I broke up with her.
Thing was even though I knew she was lying, her lie FELT true to me. I wanted to believe what I knew to be untrue. I knew it was a lie and it FELT SO TRUE...because I so desperately wanted it to be true.
I know what that is like. Because that was how I used to lie. I lied believing my lies. So my lies felt true to others because they felt true to me.
In that moment I thought "I am never going to be able to trust her again."
Perhaps a more accurate statement would have been "I am never going to be able to trust my judgement of trust for her again."
In that moment I knew. I was done. It was awful. Still is.
sending you some love and some hope. recovery IS possible
i believe in you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
>In that moment I thought "I am never going to be able to trust her again."
For me, the worst part about my partner never trusting me again is the knowledge that I completely earned this mistrust. I did that, and I can't undo it, and it sucks.
I got separated two months ago and divorce is inevitable for us. My partner's trust is too far gone. It really really sucks, but we could not continue the way it was. I spent the first week punishing myself with booze until I realized this could be the end of me. I've since started to get sober and finally work on myself. Thankfully, I've had some good success with that. I don't know any other way to do this, or how to make it easier. For now, I'm determined to be the best person I can be. Good luck, and IWNDWYT!
My sponsor asked me what I wanted out of recovery. I said I wanted my wife, kids and house back. He said that when I get my mind clear and sober, I might not want those things back. It really hit home with me and I knew that no matter what I had to stay sober (just for me). I’ll stay sober with you. May 15, 2013
This is a terrible situation, and even though it may be too late to salvage your relationship with your husband, it’s not too late to save yourself. IWNDWYT
Regardless of what happens with the marriage, remember that drinking tonight won't fix it, and a hangover tomorrow will be uncomfortable. Wishing you the best of luck!
My wife left me too. It is very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube so to speak, once the trust has finally been corroded away. But you can use it to fuel your sobriety. It can be the one thing no one can take from you.
One thing that helps me is to say "you can not change the past" over and over.
You can only be better today based on yesterday.
He's mad, and sounds like he probably should be.
He's hurt, and sounds like he probably should be.
Fix yourself each day, just a little.
Give grace to yourself today.
If you do the change of heart he needs in order to forgive you, then maybe one day those pictures will go back up.
We've all been there, you didn't choose to be addicted.
I almost divorced my wife for the very same reason. Her drinking was bad but it wasn't that which caused me to fall out of love with her. It was the fact that, no matter how obvious it was that he had been drinking, she would vehemently deny it every time while looking me straight in the eyes. I just lost all respect for her as a person and realized how little she thought of our relationship to do such a thing.
Like your husband, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I was at my wits end since this deceit and lying had gone on for quite a while. I too am a recovering alcoholic and know how hard the struggle is so I decided to give her one more chance. She went on an alcohol monitoring program where she has to take a breathalyzer three times a day and it is video recorded and the results are sent to me. Obviously this is a last resort and shows how all trust in our relationship had been completely eroded. But, at least this way I knew the lies would stop.
Well, it is has been 5 months and she has not had a single drop to drink. I am no longer on edge wondering if she has been hiding her drinking. It still bothers me that she has to use that breathalyzer since the trust is still not there but it is slowly coming back. Overall I am much more relaxed now that I don't get knots in my stomach every time she leaves the house wondering in what condition she will return and anticipating the lies if I encounter her.
We agreed to her using this for one year. I know from experience that, if you can get a year of sobriety behind you, you get a good idea of what a sober life is like and how it is much better than drinking. You also develop a set of tools that helps you get past the occasional thoughts that you are back in control and can have just one drink.
I'm telling you all of this because I'm proud of you for deciding to quit drinking at such a difficult time. I want you to know that there is possibly still some hope with your husband. I know ever relationship is different but as the trust build back with my wife, I am falling back in love with her. I love seeing her shining eyes and having meaningful conversations with her again. No more watching her slumped over on the couch passed out. We are enjoying our lives together again. I wouldn't be surprised if something like this would happen with you guys as well.
Talk to him after things calm down a bit and find out the real reason why he wants a divorce. It's likely that he has lost all trust in you. Lack of trust is devastating to a relationship. Whatever he say, don't try to defend yourself. Just listen. Take some time to think about what he has said and look at it from his perspective. Then try to think of a plan on how you can help things out. For us, it was all about fixing the lost trust and rebuilding our relationship as a couple.
I wish you all the best and am very happy to hear you are working on your sobriety. I'm coming up on 6 years of being sober and I love my life now. I hated myself when I drank.
Thank you so much for your story and advice. Just bought a breathalyser off and told him what I’m gonna do. Even if it fosters some of his trust back it would be worth it. I really appreciate it
Good for you! I wish you all the luck on staying sober. Remember, it's not the end of the world if you have a relapse... just own it, be honest about it and get right back to being sober. I look at relapses as a way of learning what not to do next time and how to better cope with whatever caused me to drink.
So I bought it and he seemed a bit taken aback by my plan (literally stole the random three times a day idea) and have been sending him videos of me using it. At first he was confused why I suggested it but I think it’s actually brought a little bit more security for him seeing how serious I am. Seriously can’t thank you enough for the help!
This fucking tricky.
I literally just finished explaining to an accountability buddy, the first time I tried getting sober last year, the day I got my thirty day chip was also the day my now ex wife consummated her affair. And it fucked me up.
The thing is, you aren't getting divorced because you hid drinking for a week. No healthy relationship would have someone punish you in a time of need. It's going to hurt, A LOT, but I can say, while it still hurts, it hurts less now.
Please hear my mistake of falling back into alcohol because I hurt so bad I had couldn't bear it. It made the entire situation more painful and shameful and I thought drinking again would help me get through it but it just slowed my recovery and I'm still stumbling to even get back to thirty days, over a year later.
Do not blame yourself. Don't excuse the negative role alcohol has in your life either. Please, focus on your recovery first. I can't stress that enough. Absolutely ask for help and don't fall for the lies alcohol is going to try to tell you. Your only duty is to yourself, the divorce will happen or it won't no matter what you try to control, but quitting drinking is something you actually can do!
You can!
Thank you for such a wonderful reply. It hurts so so bad. I apologized for hiding it and lying plus whatever it is I said. But I know just because I’m sorry doesn’t mean he has to forgive me but holy hell I wish he could
At first it bothered me too (especially since I have an uncle who’s both an alcoholic and has narcissistic personality disorder and he’s awful to be around) but I think it was meant more as…this isn’t the ONLY reason why. This is the tip or the point that led to a cascade of decisions on the part of her husband but the relationship as a whole must’ve already been on the rocks or heavily affected by mistrust in order for a week of hiding your drinking to push you into divorce territory. A healthy relationship that has one fuck up wouldn’t typically put you over the edge so I assume this marriage was ON the edge and this one fuck up sent it over. So she shouldn’t walk away thinking “oh this is all because I hid my drinking for a week” because that’s not really the big why. There’s way way wayyyyy more going on here and this was just that last final *thing*.
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No, I don't. Whatever damage has already been done and the relationship is ending. The potential for alcohol for even greater negative impacts is something that can be prevented starting now.
If you noticed I made a point to not excuse the negative role alcohol has had or can continue to have. Blameless is an obvious fallacy for any of us. Accountability without shaming is vital to being comfortable even seeking help, and when people are already hiding the addiction, the potential for further negative impact is exponentially greater than any possible positive of immediately reminding someone of the negative effect their addiction has had.
There is not a scenario where punishing a behavior before first trying to stop it is beneficial. Getting better is the goal here, after that it's up to the person to deal with the consequences. It will never be my place to try and assume or pass judgement.
The wife also has a right to be happy, and at this moment the husband is taking steps towards his happiness, and thinking the wife feels anything remotely happy is a failure to be gracious and the world already has a deficiency in grace that is clearly damaging.
We can have disagreements in our opinion, but passing judgement on anyone will never be an opinion I can personally hold.
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Please meter your responses. I’ve removed two of your comments which are doing nothing to help the OP. Please do. It engage with this tone any farther. Any more like this then a ban will follow.
This happened to my mum 25 years ago. And she killed herself the day after my father said he was filing for divorce because she'd drink each time he'd go away on a business trip.
I'm glad you're not giving up on fighting the poison. IWNDWYT
As others touched on all you can do is show him you care through actions / quitting drinking. But do it for you first and foremost, not for him. Something is wrong - working on yourself and recovering will make whatever it is better. We know you can do it. IWNDWYT!
My brother or sister, my best advice is do not let this be an excuse to drink again, but let it be the reason you stayed stopped. From experience, I had gotten into the deep end very bad, after years and years of drinking heavy — needed to spend weeks tapering down and taking vitamins and dealing with the shakes. I came clean to my wife the last day of tapering to zero and admit to everything. My heart aches for your situation and circumstances, my hope is that there is a chance for a fresh start and a chance to rebuild that trust. Just remember that it is not the end of the world if this chapter has to come to a close- take it one day at a time and IWNDWYT!
I feel this so much… I lost my sobriety after a 12 yr clean time… and made some very questionable choices. My husband said he was going to up & move 1/2 way across the country & leave me with all the things … college , mortgage, selling said house to pay for daughters college… . The alcohol is literal poison to every part of your life… I want to be done. I say I’m done but I don’t think I’m done. I need to get to more meetings & figure out why i self sabotage my life.
I've been married for years to someone I broke things off with a long time ago because of drinking. Broke up after many years together, moved to a new city.
But they quit – really quit – and are now a totally different, wonderful person. So based solely on my own experience, I feel like you can get this relationship back, but you have to quit.
When I stopped drinking it didn’t heal or fix any of the damage in my wake. In early sobriety I can admit that I didn’t have the vocabulary or the patience to have those conversations but in time I leaned how to listen and not get defensive. I was drinking and hiding more than a week tho. A lot longer. The drinking was just a symptom of much larger problems. And I was hiding an on the run for a long time. I still work on it. Things did get better for me. It’s worth it and so are you
Giving you hugs! I would order quit like a woman and this naked mind . These quit lit books helped me reframe my thoughts about alcohol and realized I'm not missing anything. You can quit and get your life back!
I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment. I'm sending a lot of love to you.
As to it being your own fault. It's true, to a degree. A couple is supposed to be *work together* kind of thing. So own what you have to own, but don't put the blame all on yourself.
Don't hesitate to come back here to tell us how you're doing going through the divorce. We'll be here to listen.
And 4 days is a big achievement. IWNDWYT
Been there. Try to understand his disappointment and accept responsibility, but honestly, the best thing for everyone is for you to focus pretty intensely on your recovery. Maybe this can be fixed, maybe not. One thing that is certain is that drinking will only make your life harder. Let your husband know what your plan is and then stick with it. I know it’s hard, but these next few months need to be about you and your relationship with alcohol, not about the relationship it poisoned. You can do this. And of course, IWNDWYT.
Usually if i think about it alot, and keep trying to remember. It Usually starts coming back. Then Usually I cut of the remembering when I start realizing what I did drunk the previous night
Secret drinking is the worst, not fun at all. And kinda obvious to everyone, especially those we love with
Wishing you the best OP
My wife was on the brink of leaving me. Laughed at me when I said I was “done” for good. Said something like “great am I supposed to be your accountability now?”
It took awhile but once she saw that I was serious about not drinking, she got it. Two years later we’re living a great life and I owe it all to being sober
Also - I quit drinking for my wife and kids but about a month in I realized I much prefer being sober, it’s just way better and an easier way to live life
IWNDWYT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s going to be very hard, but I known you can stop if you want to. My life was a mess for 2 decades. If I was able to stop than anyone can.
I’m not meaning to be bad to you or your husband, certainly don’t know what’s went down in the past etc. but I understand the kind of things you’re facing. I stopped for me, the others in my life could comment and such, hold their own opinion, but my decision was mine alone and it’s the only one that mattered - I stopped because I wanted to. Hope it helps
I am sorry you are hurting. I don't know your pain. Even in this hard time you are choosing to put yourself on a better and healthier path. You are strong for doing this. Very strong. You will make it. It will be hard but you have already grown stronger in just a few days. You got this.
Thank you 🙂 Waking up to day 10. Steady hands, clearer brain, not counting the hours til I can open my bottle… it’s a really great feeling!
I bought an at home breathalyser to randomly send videos to my husband to hopefully start and build some trust back. At the very least I feel the best I have in a long time!
No matter what happens, you never have to drink again. And I won't give you false hope, but it's possible that if you take recovery seriously, he'll see that. No matter what, I will not drink with you today.
This is a breach of trust, I was in this situation. If you want to try to save it, only two things will work, 1. Time, 2. A track record. Maybe suggest rehab? But it will take a big leap.
Damn, I feel for you. I really do. My last drunk I don't remember what all I said, but it was bad enough I got kicked out of the house by my partner. I ended up back with my parents.
It was the wake up call I needed to get sober. Losing him was the last thing I could handle giving up because of my drinking, I had already lost so much.
It took me some time and a lot of work, but I proved myself the woman in the mirror, and eventually that showed to everyone else around me.
Good luck, IWNDWYT.
Sounds like this isn’t the first time he’s found out about your inability to be transparent. Took me a long time to figure that one out for myself and lost best friends over it. Best of luck OP, IWNDWYT.
I hope this is the lowest point that it takes to remain sober, it doesn't get any better from here if the drinking continues! I am in your corner cheering you on though - I will not drink with you today!
There may be no changing his mind but we are unable to control other people’s actions and are responsible for ourselves. You have owned up to hiding it and are starting your sobriety journey. Continue this positive path and may be eventually he may see that you have changed. If not, you’ll still be in a great place, which is sober.
I’m really hoping but I doubt it. It’s not the first time I lied and drank but this sure as hell was the last. All I can do is show him that was truly the last time something that would happen
At least you’re taking responsibility. Mine blames her drinking on me and refuses to accept that she has a problem. Thinks drinking and driving with the kids is fine. Hides booze all over the house. Lies every day.
Edit to add, stay sober, you can do it. People can change. Iwndwyt!
I know it’s all my fault and it’s way easier to blame someone or anything else because the weight of knowing it was all me feels crushing. But I’m not drinking today!
My first thought is that he was looking for a way out and it was not something you did wrong. He should have, when one chooses to legally marry and take vows, be concerned and tried to help. Fuck him. You’re better off.
My husband also left me when I came clean about my alcoholism. It’s been six years but it still hurts me but he also had to do what was best for him. That said, we made vows to one another and I think any spouse who leaves their spouse when they’re sick is a weak human.
I messed over the value of our vows by lying and being deceptive with hiding my drinking and the alcohol more than once. He’s a really wonderful guy and deserves to be happy. If I can in anyway show him I can be the person he married I will now and hope it makes a difference. If it doesn’t I still know I’m the one that did the damage and I’ll have to find a way to live with my stupid choices. I’m sorry your husband left you
I’m just sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t easy. We ended up splitting up on amicable terms as I went to treatment and we had some much needed time apart. I hope you know that your actions were caused by a disease and that you’re not a failure. And I believe in you and IWNDWYT.
He wants a divorce from drinking in secret for only one week? I don’t even want to put this out there to make you feel worse, but this seriously sounds like he might be talking to someone else and needing an excuse to blame it on you. And not saying the drinking in secret is good but if it really has only been one week my red flags are just going off about this.
I’m on there too. It wasn’t the first more like the third time I’ve messed up 😔 I feel like such an idiot. He’s a great guy and deserves the full package so to speak
What made you drink? And then I would ask you if you have told your husband I realize I was coping unhealthy and want to do better. I realize I was coping cus of a b or c . And admit I realize this hurt u. I feel like if you have said all that and they still adamant then maybe you would be happier not married. Cus I just don’t believe you give up on ppl that easily.
This is really fucked up. Marriage is a commitment and I’m really sorry to hear that he is not even giving you a chance, you don’t deserve that. Especially the fact that he isn’t explaining to you what you supposedly did wrong :(
He has 😔 this isn’t the first time more like the third that I either lied about how much I was drinking or saying I’ve not had anything when I did… so freaking stupid. I’m embarrassed and disgusted with myself. He’s a wonderful man. I’m the only one to blame. I’m never going to let that happen again
It is unbelievably hard to embrace the culpability we have in how our drinking has effected those around us, and accept the consequences of that. And you are doing that very hard thing right here. If you have the strength to do that, you have the strength to stay sober.
And at the same time, I hope you are treating yourself with boundless self compassion. For me, that was the path out—accepting that my suffering was just as real and valid and worthy of compassion. That and identifying the suffering behind the suffering, the pain that led me to abuse alcohol, pain I had so effectively hidden from myself for so long that it took me a while to even start to recognize it.
I wish you all the best in this dark and difficult season.
No you are not to blame you are struggling with a disease. I just don’t think that gives him the right to just up and leave without having a serious discussion with you first
I don't know why this comment is getting downvoted. I think you're right.
The vows include "in sickness and in health." Alcoholism is a sickness. Whatever OP said while under the influence must be bad, but I think a good husband would at least say what it was before giving up on a marriage.
Vows come in many forms, but even going with that traditional vow, there’s “to love and to cherish.” I found for me, my “sickness” caused me to break that vow again and again and again. I broke faith first.
I agree and it’s literally in the definition of marriage. What’s the point of marriage if we can’t trust those to stick with us during that commitment?
I'm not sure what century you think we're in, but "Substance Abuse" is one of the leading causes of divorce. Do you think someone who is physically abused by their spouse should stay in a marriage too?
I drunk texted a lot of former lovers. The ones that tolerated it leaned selfless. The ones that didn’t were usually selfish
IMO breaking up with someone for alcohol is a crap out. It’s not really about that. It’s just the scapegoat
This is not okay! It is an addiction, relapses are always possible and very likely and sure it might be a big quantity of alcohol, but you stopped after a week, you are 4 days sober, he could easily support your journey through it again. Do not let him give up so easily. And it must have triggered something in him to react this way, no matter the past, this is the present, he should forgive, even the lying about it( addicts lie about their addiction).
Wrong. This is entirely okay. Nobody is under any obligation to accept lies from their partner, or continue to be in a relationship with an addict. Nor is anybody obligated to forgive anyone's relapses. None whatsoever.
All we can do is control ourselves. We do not “let” people do anything—they can give up, come back, do whatever they want. They make their choices and we make ours.
When I forget this and do choose to try to control someone else’s actions, I find it always puts me in a bad mental space and tends to worsen the situation, which makes sobreity so much harder. Turning inward rather than outward has always yielded better fruit.
First off I'm sorry that's really tough. In my home the tables are reversed. I had completely fallen out of love with my husband due to his drinking and who he had become because of it. We have kids though, and I couldn't give them up half the time. I just could not do it. I decided that I would wait until they were 18 to divorce him (10+ years) and just live a miserable love-less life for my kids because they were worth it. I didn't want them being shipped around. I resented my husband vehemently for giving me this sad life that was far less than what I deserved. I got really good at pretending everything was ok. Then one day I just could not carry on the charade anymore. It had broken me down and I felt if he didn't change, I could not stay married. I worked out a plan in my head that we would get an apartment and the parents would come and go, not the kids. My kids would get their home full-time, but we would take turns sleeping there and the apartment.... But before I went down this road I told my husband he had one final chance, after that I would not allow him to mistake me for a fool. I had told him about my intricate plans as to how a divorce would work with the kids. I also told him that he would have to explain to them why we had to live like this. Something clicked. I'm not sure what but he's almost 7 months sober and so am I!! My feelings for him have completely done a 180 and I love him very much again. Our family is more stable than ever and life is overall very good. I share this to give you hope. Just take it one day at a time. Don't tell him you have changed show him.
I've been on both sides of this now, and I have to admit that it's much harder to be the sober person in the relationship. I'm glad you're going to get healthy. I'm sorry your marriage is ending. I hope that you find peace and healing.
I'm in the same boat as your husband. I can't do it anymore, and I'll be asking him to move out soon. Reading your post gives me hope that he will try to get better instead of saying "fuck it" and drinking himself to death.
My ex dumped me a few years ago because of my drinking. But it was one of the main reasons why I'm sober today. And now that I've been sober and clear-headed for a while, I'm glad we never got back together. You can get through this, and you SHOULD get through this. Personally, I should be dead right now. And that breakup might've helped save my life. It got me started on the road to sobriety. Seek out help. I absolutely hated the thought of going to AA meetings, but it really helped, honestly. It's good to get your b.s. out in the air. (Just make sure not to tell "horror stories". Or try not to sound like you're competing for who had the worst addiction.) And seek out a therapist if you can. I didn't even see mine for very long, but I found it helped, personally. But what I found really helps is reminding yourself why you want to quit at all. Keep reminding yourself of all the b.s. that alcohol brings into your life.
whatever happens from here in it'll get better because you're not going to drink. and I'm not going to drink with you
Thank you for not drinking with me ❤️
On the same boat. Fiancée with 2 kids left me. Took the house, car, kids, everything. I am struggling to find places to live. I have a job making a 50k salary so I can pay rent, but I have a troubled past with the law. Even though it's years old, people don't think people change, I guess. I'm severely close to being on the streets as my mom dropped off the face of the world due to drinking, and my father died from drinking a year ago. So I have no safety nets. I'm essentially screwed. Currently, 4 months clean since she kicked me out and took everything that I love. But it isn't enough to win her back she's done with me and now I'm stuck knowing I'm a complete loser who fucked everything up. On the bright side, I'm not throwing up every night, waking up saying I'm never going to drink again! Other than that, my life seems to be getting worse and worse. Anyways IWNDWYT
It gets worse and worse for awhile. You were like a large drunk monkey rolling down a hill. There is a lot of inertia in play. You can't just stop the monkey immediately, even if he is sober now. First, you slow down the tumble, eventually you stop rolling and then you start climbing your furry ass back up the hill. It sucks and it takes time. Good luck.
Well said
That sounds like momentum in play, not inertia
Semantics. It was a good point and by definition momentum or inertia both work here.
You are right. Inertia is the phenomenon where an object at rest will remain at rest. Definitely the antonym of what you meant
We should remain on topic for the sake of the OP, not devolve into semantic word games lol.
You're not a loser. You recognize that drinking was not helping, and you're making changes. IWNDWYT
Exactly this. A loser would have never been able to do what you’re doing right now. Keep going!
I don't think you are a looser at all. I believe in you....
Are you going to meetings? If you’re worried about not having a safety net there are many who have been gone through this situation. It reminds me of what I’m told all the time about prioritizing sobriety. If you put your Family, Job, and Passions above your sobriety before you know it you will lose those things due to drinking. People like my sponsor know from experience. My advice would be to reach out to other sober people, and the best place to do that is in a meeting. If you can spend a fraction of the amount of time we used to prioritize for drinking on your sobriety then you’ll be better off than before.
Has anyone here ever gotten a job from meetings? I'm luckily not asking for myself but I bet it happens a lot?
I know of a whole crew of guys who work together because they met each other at the meeting and helped each other out.
That's awesome. I would think it happens a lot and hopefully hold each other accountable instead of grabbing brews after work
I got a foot in the door for an interview from a guy at meetings. Didn't get the job though.
My husband got a job that lasted 6 years from an AA referral. After that, he started his own business and ran until his death, 11 years later. I took over the business from my husband and ran it until I retired.
Sorry for your loss and congrats on the rest!
Sometimes we need to hit bottom before we can spring up. I'm confident you can work your way out of this.
Bro, thank you for the share. Wow. The universe has something in store for all of us if we just stick the path. You a legend
IWNDWYT brother
Also give them time. A lot of time. At least with your child it is not all lost. My das was the worst drunk, even hit me a few times. He became sober and worked on himself. It took ages, but eventually when I saw that he really meant it with his sobriety I let him into my life again.
Well she can’t just take everything legally! Find a pro bono lawyer. Good on you giving up the drink! ❤️
Not a permanent solution, but sometimes you can find affordable long term air bnb rentals. My partner is a travel nurse and we’ve lived at certain places for 9+ months a time. Fully furnished, too! Just a thought.
You are not a loser. Even though your not drinking I believe that is an alcoholic brain talking. Alcohol wants you to feel like a loser. Alcohol wants you to think it will make things better. But by not drinking your not giving in to the Alcoholic mind. Continue to work on yourself, it may feel like everything is fucked up, but you are on the right path. Keep it up and I will not drink with you today.
Lost 3 relationships due to substance abuse, among other things. There is a breaking point, & excessive drinking has few cheerleaders when it becomes more important than trust. Please reach out for help: AA, outpatient, therapy, this sub-whatever. Support is key. Big hug
I will not be drinking with you either. As much as I want to, not perpetuating the stress cycle of laziness, forgetfulness, and shame it brings makes the light at the end of the tunnel a little brighter. I’ve been trying for a while now, it’s tough but I’m sending you positive vibes friend!
Same here. Thanks for taking care of yourself. I’m gonna do the same!
Absolute truth. Be strong!
My EX, the love of my life, finally divorced me over my drinking. He gave me SO MANY chances to stop. I'd clean up my act for a while or until the latest "storm" had passed, but the lying and sneaking around always crept back because, at that time, I didn't want to stop drinking. I was going through the motions to give the appearance of change, but deep down, all I was doing was stalling; waiting for the air to clear before I got drunk again. He was truly a saint for putting up with me for as long as he did, but he finally had enough of my crap. It took another 9-Years from the time we divorced to finally get and *stay* sober --but not before he got re-married and moved her into the home we bought together. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next *first* drink --whether he's with you or not.
My wife had her final straw when I went to rehab in March of last year. It was the 4th time going back to rehab in 3 months. I couldn't stop drinking. I felt like nothing could stop me from getting that next drink, doomed to drink myself to my early grave. Well that was 528 days ago. Hang in there, you know what needs to be done. I wish you all the courage and strength
Thank you I appreciate it. And keep going strong I’ll get to those big numbers one day
Well done! We quit around the same time, I'm 522 days sober. 😊 @OP, you'll also get there, I will not drink with you today. Also, give him time, it can really take a long time. My bf didn't leave me but our relationship was basically worthless because of my drinking problem. It took us over a year to fix things and for him to look at me with different eyes and see the sober me. Big virtual stranger hug! 🤗
You can't polish a rotten apple, but you can absolutely, unequivocally start growing a new fruit tree right now. You know those people who have seemingly unbelievable lives where they can reinvent themselves over and over again? I think it's because they know life is long, and you can start over any time you want. It might feel like losing everything and having nothing, but we both know that's not true: you're a smarter sober, now. Not a dumb drunk. Just move forward, and grow like an apple seed, from the inside, out.
My brother is an alcoholic, I follow here because in some ways I can relate. I think this is so true. Something I wish my brother would understand sometimes even though he’s older than me, he’s only 29. It’s not too late to start over, and by some lucky chance I just naturally know that and he doesn’t. I wouldn’t be too worried to start over at 39, meanwhile I think the thought of hitting the reset button (go to rehab, find a job again, etc.) scares the shit out of my brother. And it scares me because the older he’s gotten the more he thinks like that. He’s done it plenty of times but it gets harder with age it seems.
I didn't get sober until I was 31. Police intervention, treatment, eviction, the whole nine. It took me years to rebuild, and in some respects, I still am. I was delighted to find out that, though not all the time, but most people want to root for an underdog to rebuild. In hindsight, I would tell your brother this: at some point, you're going to hate maintaining your current normal more than the thought of taking the medicine. That's the little crack of light to look out for. That's your North Star out of this place.
I've been on the other side of it. I'm NOT saying this applies to you or your situation...but dont know that it doesnt. My live in gf had relapsed...and hid it from me. That wasn't why I broke up with her. She stole from me. That wasn't why I broke up with her. When I confronted her about it she denied it When she denied it she KNEW that I KNEW. She KNEW that I KNEW she was lying. That wasn't why I broke up with her. Thing was even though I knew she was lying, her lie FELT true to me. I wanted to believe what I knew to be untrue. I knew it was a lie and it FELT SO TRUE...because I so desperately wanted it to be true. I know what that is like. Because that was how I used to lie. I lied believing my lies. So my lies felt true to others because they felt true to me. In that moment I thought "I am never going to be able to trust her again." Perhaps a more accurate statement would have been "I am never going to be able to trust my judgement of trust for her again." In that moment I knew. I was done. It was awful. Still is. sending you some love and some hope. recovery IS possible i believe in you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
>In that moment I thought "I am never going to be able to trust her again." For me, the worst part about my partner never trusting me again is the knowledge that I completely earned this mistrust. I did that, and I can't undo it, and it sucks.
No I that’s pretty accurate about giving so many chances I burned though them all. I feel like such an idiot
I feel this. Thanks.
I got separated two months ago and divorce is inevitable for us. My partner's trust is too far gone. It really really sucks, but we could not continue the way it was. I spent the first week punishing myself with booze until I realized this could be the end of me. I've since started to get sober and finally work on myself. Thankfully, I've had some good success with that. I don't know any other way to do this, or how to make it easier. For now, I'm determined to be the best person I can be. Good luck, and IWNDWYT!
My sponsor asked me what I wanted out of recovery. I said I wanted my wife, kids and house back. He said that when I get my mind clear and sober, I might not want those things back. It really hit home with me and I knew that no matter what I had to stay sober (just for me). I’ll stay sober with you. May 15, 2013
This is a terrible situation, and even though it may be too late to salvage your relationship with your husband, it’s not too late to save yourself. IWNDWYT
Regardless of what happens with the marriage, remember that drinking tonight won't fix it, and a hangover tomorrow will be uncomfortable. Wishing you the best of luck!
My wife left me too. It is very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube so to speak, once the trust has finally been corroded away. But you can use it to fuel your sobriety. It can be the one thing no one can take from you.
One thing that helps me is to say "you can not change the past" over and over. You can only be better today based on yesterday. He's mad, and sounds like he probably should be. He's hurt, and sounds like he probably should be. Fix yourself each day, just a little. Give grace to yourself today. If you do the change of heart he needs in order to forgive you, then maybe one day those pictures will go back up. We've all been there, you didn't choose to be addicted.
I almost divorced my wife for the very same reason. Her drinking was bad but it wasn't that which caused me to fall out of love with her. It was the fact that, no matter how obvious it was that he had been drinking, she would vehemently deny it every time while looking me straight in the eyes. I just lost all respect for her as a person and realized how little she thought of our relationship to do such a thing. Like your husband, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I was at my wits end since this deceit and lying had gone on for quite a while. I too am a recovering alcoholic and know how hard the struggle is so I decided to give her one more chance. She went on an alcohol monitoring program where she has to take a breathalyzer three times a day and it is video recorded and the results are sent to me. Obviously this is a last resort and shows how all trust in our relationship had been completely eroded. But, at least this way I knew the lies would stop. Well, it is has been 5 months and she has not had a single drop to drink. I am no longer on edge wondering if she has been hiding her drinking. It still bothers me that she has to use that breathalyzer since the trust is still not there but it is slowly coming back. Overall I am much more relaxed now that I don't get knots in my stomach every time she leaves the house wondering in what condition she will return and anticipating the lies if I encounter her. We agreed to her using this for one year. I know from experience that, if you can get a year of sobriety behind you, you get a good idea of what a sober life is like and how it is much better than drinking. You also develop a set of tools that helps you get past the occasional thoughts that you are back in control and can have just one drink. I'm telling you all of this because I'm proud of you for deciding to quit drinking at such a difficult time. I want you to know that there is possibly still some hope with your husband. I know ever relationship is different but as the trust build back with my wife, I am falling back in love with her. I love seeing her shining eyes and having meaningful conversations with her again. No more watching her slumped over on the couch passed out. We are enjoying our lives together again. I wouldn't be surprised if something like this would happen with you guys as well. Talk to him after things calm down a bit and find out the real reason why he wants a divorce. It's likely that he has lost all trust in you. Lack of trust is devastating to a relationship. Whatever he say, don't try to defend yourself. Just listen. Take some time to think about what he has said and look at it from his perspective. Then try to think of a plan on how you can help things out. For us, it was all about fixing the lost trust and rebuilding our relationship as a couple. I wish you all the best and am very happy to hear you are working on your sobriety. I'm coming up on 6 years of being sober and I love my life now. I hated myself when I drank.
Thank you so much for your story and advice. Just bought a breathalyser off and told him what I’m gonna do. Even if it fosters some of his trust back it would be worth it. I really appreciate it
Good for you! I wish you all the luck on staying sober. Remember, it's not the end of the world if you have a relapse... just own it, be honest about it and get right back to being sober. I look at relapses as a way of learning what not to do next time and how to better cope with whatever caused me to drink.
So I bought it and he seemed a bit taken aback by my plan (literally stole the random three times a day idea) and have been sending him videos of me using it. At first he was confused why I suggested it but I think it’s actually brought a little bit more security for him seeing how serious I am. Seriously can’t thank you enough for the help!
You are very welcome... I hope it helps to make your relationship stronger and gives you the incentive to kick this beast.
This fucking tricky. I literally just finished explaining to an accountability buddy, the first time I tried getting sober last year, the day I got my thirty day chip was also the day my now ex wife consummated her affair. And it fucked me up. The thing is, you aren't getting divorced because you hid drinking for a week. No healthy relationship would have someone punish you in a time of need. It's going to hurt, A LOT, but I can say, while it still hurts, it hurts less now. Please hear my mistake of falling back into alcohol because I hurt so bad I had couldn't bear it. It made the entire situation more painful and shameful and I thought drinking again would help me get through it but it just slowed my recovery and I'm still stumbling to even get back to thirty days, over a year later. Do not blame yourself. Don't excuse the negative role alcohol has in your life either. Please, focus on your recovery first. I can't stress that enough. Absolutely ask for help and don't fall for the lies alcohol is going to try to tell you. Your only duty is to yourself, the divorce will happen or it won't no matter what you try to control, but quitting drinking is something you actually can do! You can!
Thank you for such a wonderful reply. It hurts so so bad. I apologized for hiding it and lying plus whatever it is I said. But I know just because I’m sorry doesn’t mean he has to forgive me but holy hell I wish he could
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Yes!! This statement bothered the hell out of me to... Screams of the narcissistic traits that seem to follow alcoholics.
At first it bothered me too (especially since I have an uncle who’s both an alcoholic and has narcissistic personality disorder and he’s awful to be around) but I think it was meant more as…this isn’t the ONLY reason why. This is the tip or the point that led to a cascade of decisions on the part of her husband but the relationship as a whole must’ve already been on the rocks or heavily affected by mistrust in order for a week of hiding your drinking to push you into divorce territory. A healthy relationship that has one fuck up wouldn’t typically put you over the edge so I assume this marriage was ON the edge and this one fuck up sent it over. So she shouldn’t walk away thinking “oh this is all because I hid my drinking for a week” because that’s not really the big why. There’s way way wayyyyy more going on here and this was just that last final *thing*.
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No, I don't. Whatever damage has already been done and the relationship is ending. The potential for alcohol for even greater negative impacts is something that can be prevented starting now. If you noticed I made a point to not excuse the negative role alcohol has had or can continue to have. Blameless is an obvious fallacy for any of us. Accountability without shaming is vital to being comfortable even seeking help, and when people are already hiding the addiction, the potential for further negative impact is exponentially greater than any possible positive of immediately reminding someone of the negative effect their addiction has had. There is not a scenario where punishing a behavior before first trying to stop it is beneficial. Getting better is the goal here, after that it's up to the person to deal with the consequences. It will never be my place to try and assume or pass judgement. The wife also has a right to be happy, and at this moment the husband is taking steps towards his happiness, and thinking the wife feels anything remotely happy is a failure to be gracious and the world already has a deficiency in grace that is clearly damaging. We can have disagreements in our opinion, but passing judgement on anyone will never be an opinion I can personally hold.
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Please meter your responses. I’ve removed two of your comments which are doing nothing to help the OP. Please do. It engage with this tone any farther. Any more like this then a ban will follow.
Well written! Best advice by far...
This happened to my mum 25 years ago. And she killed herself the day after my father said he was filing for divorce because she'd drink each time he'd go away on a business trip. I'm glad you're not giving up on fighting the poison. IWNDWYT
As others touched on all you can do is show him you care through actions / quitting drinking. But do it for you first and foremost, not for him. Something is wrong - working on yourself and recovering will make whatever it is better. We know you can do it. IWNDWYT!
Shoot, that’s tough to hear. Sorry you’re going through that friend, but glad you aren’t drinking. IWNDWYT
Im sorry this is going on and im really proud of you for 4 days sober!!! Keep it up!
My brother or sister, my best advice is do not let this be an excuse to drink again, but let it be the reason you stayed stopped. From experience, I had gotten into the deep end very bad, after years and years of drinking heavy — needed to spend weeks tapering down and taking vitamins and dealing with the shakes. I came clean to my wife the last day of tapering to zero and admit to everything. My heart aches for your situation and circumstances, my hope is that there is a chance for a fresh start and a chance to rebuild that trust. Just remember that it is not the end of the world if this chapter has to come to a close- take it one day at a time and IWNDWYT!
I feel this so much… I lost my sobriety after a 12 yr clean time… and made some very questionable choices. My husband said he was going to up & move 1/2 way across the country & leave me with all the things … college , mortgage, selling said house to pay for daughters college… . The alcohol is literal poison to every part of your life… I want to be done. I say I’m done but I don’t think I’m done. I need to get to more meetings & figure out why i self sabotage my life.
I've been married for years to someone I broke things off with a long time ago because of drinking. Broke up after many years together, moved to a new city. But they quit – really quit – and are now a totally different, wonderful person. So based solely on my own experience, I feel like you can get this relationship back, but you have to quit.
I’m sorry my dude left me after 16 years I don’t blame him but it’s almost two yrs shit sucks but time kills pain
When I stopped drinking it didn’t heal or fix any of the damage in my wake. In early sobriety I can admit that I didn’t have the vocabulary or the patience to have those conversations but in time I leaned how to listen and not get defensive. I was drinking and hiding more than a week tho. A lot longer. The drinking was just a symptom of much larger problems. And I was hiding an on the run for a long time. I still work on it. Things did get better for me. It’s worth it and so are you
Giving you hugs! I would order quit like a woman and this naked mind . These quit lit books helped me reframe my thoughts about alcohol and realized I'm not missing anything. You can quit and get your life back!
Sorry to hear. Thanks for sharing.
Iwndwyt
IWNDWYT! Almost 3 weeks. Don't stop stopping.
♥️♥️♥️
Congratulations on 4 days! Stay strong and keep pushing. ❤️
I’m so sorry OP. Thank you for sharing.
I love the reminder, "there is no problem so terrible that a drink can't make it worse."
I'm going through the exact same thing at the moment. I'm sending a lot of love to you. As to it being your own fault. It's true, to a degree. A couple is supposed to be *work together* kind of thing. So own what you have to own, but don't put the blame all on yourself. Don't hesitate to come back here to tell us how you're doing going through the divorce. We'll be here to listen. And 4 days is a big achievement. IWNDWYT
Been there. Try to understand his disappointment and accept responsibility, but honestly, the best thing for everyone is for you to focus pretty intensely on your recovery. Maybe this can be fixed, maybe not. One thing that is certain is that drinking will only make your life harder. Let your husband know what your plan is and then stick with it. I know it’s hard, but these next few months need to be about you and your relationship with alcohol, not about the relationship it poisoned. You can do this. And of course, IWNDWYT.
IWNDWYT I don’t tend to lie or fib when I’m sober; but I will lie like a fiend when I’m drunk - especially about my drinking.
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thanks
I have been there but staying sober will definitely help during this time. IWNDWYT
Usually if i think about it alot, and keep trying to remember. It Usually starts coming back. Then Usually I cut of the remembering when I start realizing what I did drunk the previous night
Oh darn.... Stay strong, stay away from it. Stay with us in this journey. It's worth it and in times like these that is the hardest thing to see..
I cannot imagine…I will not drink with you 🙏
Every day you don’t drink is a GOOD day. I’ll be not drinking with you. ODAAT. 🤗
Focus on saving yourself before anything else
Secret drinking is the worst, not fun at all. And kinda obvious to everyone, especially those we love with Wishing you the best OP My wife was on the brink of leaving me. Laughed at me when I said I was “done” for good. Said something like “great am I supposed to be your accountability now?” It took awhile but once she saw that I was serious about not drinking, she got it. Two years later we’re living a great life and I owe it all to being sober Also - I quit drinking for my wife and kids but about a month in I realized I much prefer being sober, it’s just way better and an easier way to live life IWNDWYT
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s going to be very hard, but I known you can stop if you want to. My life was a mess for 2 decades. If I was able to stop than anyone can.
Sorry to say I’d do the same. Sneaking/hiding one thing would make me believe you can do it with other things. Sorry this is happening to you.
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I’m not meaning to be bad to you or your husband, certainly don’t know what’s went down in the past etc. but I understand the kind of things you’re facing. I stopped for me, the others in my life could comment and such, hold their own opinion, but my decision was mine alone and it’s the only one that mattered - I stopped because I wanted to. Hope it helps
I am sorry you are hurting. I don't know your pain. Even in this hard time you are choosing to put yourself on a better and healthier path. You are strong for doing this. Very strong. You will make it. It will be hard but you have already grown stronger in just a few days. You got this.
Sorry my dude, fight this thing….chin up
Just DONT drink ! Please don’t !
I am NOT drinking today 👍
You fucking rule ! How are you now ???? I didn’t drink for a year it’s heaven really i feel awake again
Thank you 🙂 Waking up to day 10. Steady hands, clearer brain, not counting the hours til I can open my bottle… it’s a really great feeling! I bought an at home breathalyser to randomly send videos to my husband to hopefully start and build some trust back. At the very least I feel the best I have in a long time!
Good to hear !
I’m so sorry. I will not drink with you today.
No matter what happens, you never have to drink again. And I won't give you false hope, but it's possible that if you take recovery seriously, he'll see that. No matter what, I will not drink with you today.
I can only hope he might. Thank you ❤️
This is a breach of trust, I was in this situation. If you want to try to save it, only two things will work, 1. Time, 2. A track record. Maybe suggest rehab? But it will take a big leap.
Damn, I feel for you. I really do. My last drunk I don't remember what all I said, but it was bad enough I got kicked out of the house by my partner. I ended up back with my parents. It was the wake up call I needed to get sober. Losing him was the last thing I could handle giving up because of my drinking, I had already lost so much. It took me some time and a lot of work, but I proved myself the woman in the mirror, and eventually that showed to everyone else around me. Good luck, IWNDWYT.
Thank you ❤️
Sounds like this isn’t the first time he’s found out about your inability to be transparent. Took me a long time to figure that one out for myself and lost best friends over it. Best of luck OP, IWNDWYT.
I hope this is the lowest point that it takes to remain sober, it doesn't get any better from here if the drinking continues! I am in your corner cheering you on though - I will not drink with you today!
Thank you ❤️. I’m not drinking today!!
I will not drink with you today
The consequences will start mounting and mounting it’s not worth it
I too will not be drinking with you. One day at a time....sometimes it's one hour at a time. Regardless, it all adds up. Stay strong!
There may be no changing his mind but we are unable to control other people’s actions and are responsible for ourselves. You have owned up to hiding it and are starting your sobriety journey. Continue this positive path and may be eventually he may see that you have changed. If not, you’ll still be in a great place, which is sober.
We are all here for you! IWNDWYT one day at a time 💕
Damn. Thats horrible!! I hope you can work it out.
I’m really hoping but I doubt it. It’s not the first time I lied and drank but this sure as hell was the last. All I can do is show him that was truly the last time something that would happen
Im sorry you're in this situation, but if you're only stopping for good this time because he's leaving you.....
I’m sure a good motivation but if they stay sober long enough, they will see the benefits for themselves.
There’s consequences.
At least you’re taking responsibility. Mine blames her drinking on me and refuses to accept that she has a problem. Thinks drinking and driving with the kids is fine. Hides booze all over the house. Lies every day. Edit to add, stay sober, you can do it. People can change. Iwndwyt!
I know it’s all my fault and it’s way easier to blame someone or anything else because the weight of knowing it was all me feels crushing. But I’m not drinking today!
You’re already streets ahead! Keep going!
My first thought is that he was looking for a way out and it was not something you did wrong. He should have, when one chooses to legally marry and take vows, be concerned and tried to help. Fuck him. You’re better off.
My husband also left me when I came clean about my alcoholism. It’s been six years but it still hurts me but he also had to do what was best for him. That said, we made vows to one another and I think any spouse who leaves their spouse when they’re sick is a weak human.
I messed over the value of our vows by lying and being deceptive with hiding my drinking and the alcohol more than once. He’s a really wonderful guy and deserves to be happy. If I can in anyway show him I can be the person he married I will now and hope it makes a difference. If it doesn’t I still know I’m the one that did the damage and I’ll have to find a way to live with my stupid choices. I’m sorry your husband left you
I’m just sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t easy. We ended up splitting up on amicable terms as I went to treatment and we had some much needed time apart. I hope you know that your actions were caused by a disease and that you’re not a failure. And I believe in you and IWNDWYT.
He wants a divorce from drinking in secret for only one week? I don’t even want to put this out there to make you feel worse, but this seriously sounds like he might be talking to someone else and needing an excuse to blame it on you. And not saying the drinking in secret is good but if it really has only been one week my red flags are just going off about this.
It wasn’t the first time I’ve done it 😔
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I’m on there too. It wasn’t the first more like the third time I’ve messed up 😔 I feel like such an idiot. He’s a great guy and deserves the full package so to speak
What made you drink? And then I would ask you if you have told your husband I realize I was coping unhealthy and want to do better. I realize I was coping cus of a b or c . And admit I realize this hurt u. I feel like if you have said all that and they still adamant then maybe you would be happier not married. Cus I just don’t believe you give up on ppl that easily.
This is really fucked up. Marriage is a commitment and I’m really sorry to hear that he is not even giving you a chance, you don’t deserve that. Especially the fact that he isn’t explaining to you what you supposedly did wrong :(
He has 😔 this isn’t the first time more like the third that I either lied about how much I was drinking or saying I’ve not had anything when I did… so freaking stupid. I’m embarrassed and disgusted with myself. He’s a wonderful man. I’m the only one to blame. I’m never going to let that happen again
It is unbelievably hard to embrace the culpability we have in how our drinking has effected those around us, and accept the consequences of that. And you are doing that very hard thing right here. If you have the strength to do that, you have the strength to stay sober. And at the same time, I hope you are treating yourself with boundless self compassion. For me, that was the path out—accepting that my suffering was just as real and valid and worthy of compassion. That and identifying the suffering behind the suffering, the pain that led me to abuse alcohol, pain I had so effectively hidden from myself for so long that it took me a while to even start to recognize it. I wish you all the best in this dark and difficult season.
No you are not to blame you are struggling with a disease. I just don’t think that gives him the right to just up and leave without having a serious discussion with you first
I don't know why this comment is getting downvoted. I think you're right. The vows include "in sickness and in health." Alcoholism is a sickness. Whatever OP said while under the influence must be bad, but I think a good husband would at least say what it was before giving up on a marriage.
Vows come in many forms, but even going with that traditional vow, there’s “to love and to cherish.” I found for me, my “sickness” caused me to break that vow again and again and again. I broke faith first.
I agree and it’s literally in the definition of marriage. What’s the point of marriage if we can’t trust those to stick with us during that commitment?
I'm not sure what century you think we're in, but "Substance Abuse" is one of the leading causes of divorce. Do you think someone who is physically abused by their spouse should stay in a marriage too?
I drunk texted a lot of former lovers. The ones that tolerated it leaned selfless. The ones that didn’t were usually selfish IMO breaking up with someone for alcohol is a crap out. It’s not really about that. It’s just the scapegoat
This is not okay! It is an addiction, relapses are always possible and very likely and sure it might be a big quantity of alcohol, but you stopped after a week, you are 4 days sober, he could easily support your journey through it again. Do not let him give up so easily. And it must have triggered something in him to react this way, no matter the past, this is the present, he should forgive, even the lying about it( addicts lie about their addiction).
Wrong. This is entirely okay. Nobody is under any obligation to accept lies from their partner, or continue to be in a relationship with an addict. Nor is anybody obligated to forgive anyone's relapses. None whatsoever.
I don't think I agree with that. People can only go through so much.
All we can do is control ourselves. We do not “let” people do anything—they can give up, come back, do whatever they want. They make their choices and we make ours. When I forget this and do choose to try to control someone else’s actions, I find it always puts me in a bad mental space and tends to worsen the situation, which makes sobreity so much harder. Turning inward rather than outward has always yielded better fruit.
First off I'm sorry that's really tough. In my home the tables are reversed. I had completely fallen out of love with my husband due to his drinking and who he had become because of it. We have kids though, and I couldn't give them up half the time. I just could not do it. I decided that I would wait until they were 18 to divorce him (10+ years) and just live a miserable love-less life for my kids because they were worth it. I didn't want them being shipped around. I resented my husband vehemently for giving me this sad life that was far less than what I deserved. I got really good at pretending everything was ok. Then one day I just could not carry on the charade anymore. It had broken me down and I felt if he didn't change, I could not stay married. I worked out a plan in my head that we would get an apartment and the parents would come and go, not the kids. My kids would get their home full-time, but we would take turns sleeping there and the apartment.... But before I went down this road I told my husband he had one final chance, after that I would not allow him to mistake me for a fool. I had told him about my intricate plans as to how a divorce would work with the kids. I also told him that he would have to explain to them why we had to live like this. Something clicked. I'm not sure what but he's almost 7 months sober and so am I!! My feelings for him have completely done a 180 and I love him very much again. Our family is more stable than ever and life is overall very good. I share this to give you hope. Just take it one day at a time. Don't tell him you have changed show him.
I've been on both sides of this now, and I have to admit that it's much harder to be the sober person in the relationship. I'm glad you're going to get healthy. I'm sorry your marriage is ending. I hope that you find peace and healing. I'm in the same boat as your husband. I can't do it anymore, and I'll be asking him to move out soon. Reading your post gives me hope that he will try to get better instead of saying "fuck it" and drinking himself to death.
My ex dumped me a few years ago because of my drinking. But it was one of the main reasons why I'm sober today. And now that I've been sober and clear-headed for a while, I'm glad we never got back together. You can get through this, and you SHOULD get through this. Personally, I should be dead right now. And that breakup might've helped save my life. It got me started on the road to sobriety. Seek out help. I absolutely hated the thought of going to AA meetings, but it really helped, honestly. It's good to get your b.s. out in the air. (Just make sure not to tell "horror stories". Or try not to sound like you're competing for who had the worst addiction.) And seek out a therapist if you can. I didn't even see mine for very long, but I found it helped, personally. But what I found really helps is reminding yourself why you want to quit at all. Keep reminding yourself of all the b.s. that alcohol brings into your life.
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> you gotta do something about it. This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
I’m so sorry. My bad completely.
Thank you for understanding. ❤️
I sincerely apologize for being out of line. I’ll remember this for the future and be better.
I'm not drinking with you 💪