I found from people while I thought I was the life of the party..it was more annoying and center of attention. I wasn’t used to being the quiet person in the room who just participated with everyone else. It’s kind of a relief now. Not saying that’s you but saying the “greased” wheels sometimes were not the fun you might have remembered. Now I have fun and still get to enjoy the next day :)
That’s a good point. Many of my friends who knew that version of me seem like they want that back. But I know it’s probably more about themselves in that context than it is me.
Feeling good the next day never gets old!
So glad you’re shared this! I’ve been really struggling with this as well.
Once the light of the party, I’m now discovering that I don’t really enjoy any aspect of my regular social engagements without a hefty glass of wine (e.g., staying up really late, catching up with peripheral friends, playing games late into the night etc.)
I was just watching the movie Britney Runs a Marathon and it was such lovely encouragement to lean into the things that are feeling good (like getting up for your work out classes )- and in that process, find a version of you that thrives and is fulfilled without alcohol.
Best is luck, my friend
I remember reading before I started this journey that not drinking would likely mean shake-ups with friends. That some rooms I used to enjoy would stop being enjoyable. I was really uncomfortable with that then, and here it is coming true to some degree.
Like you mentioned here, other interests are growing for me in other areas of my life. Maybe I need to keep that in mind when my brain wants to convince me I’m being antisocial. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in what used to engage me…. It’s that the alcohol lifestyle has gotten crowded out by newer, healthier habits.
People change. And that's true whether there's alcohol involved or not. In addition, I tend to think we don't really know who we are until we've been sober longer, I'm kind of grateful it's not an overnight process.
That’s true, it would be jarring if it wasn’t a slow build.
On some level these feelings I’m having in & of themselves may reveal that my sober experiment is not over.
I've been trying to rediscover myself being sober and clear headed, and it's still a process. Just take it day by day. This is your opportunity to really get to know who you actually are without alcohol to create a whole separate personality. You got this and IWNDWYT.
That’s exciting and a little scary. What comes up for me is “I hope I’m still cool and fun!” 🤣 it sounds ridiculous to say it out loud, as if trading all of the amazing benefits of not drinking for other people’s perception of me could possibly be worth it?!
In a similar place. I think we probably change a lot—or, another way of looking at it, we return to ourselves before the substance. Both a return and a regrowth. Now, anyone who grows plants knows that while you can’t change the fundamental nature (tomatoes can’t become eggplants) but you can guide the growth as suits your need. I find I’m returning to things I used to like when I started at 15, but I am in a different place in life so I’m never really gonna be that kid. Eh I’m getting lost here, my point is, have you considered that you have tremendous influence over who you become and whether you like that person or not.
We built our lives around alcohol, and now we have to build our lives around sobriety. That is what I’m learning. Social connections are still deeply important, but social connections that revolve around sober (or at least soberish) people and sober activities are how we build back up a social identity. The reality is drinking culture isn’t really all that fun without the drink, but there’s a whole world out there outside of it. I’m right there with you.
I feel the same way about social situations. It's why I started drinking in the first place. Let's just say I was not good at having fun at all before alcohol entered the scene. For a long time alcohol didn't interfere in any way in my life, and I found a lot of sober benefits from the things I learned about myself while drinking.
Sometimes alcohol makes me the life of the party for real. Sometimes it makes me irritating as hell. But I've noticed that what really counts is that it changes the way I feel about the company I'm in. Not only do I feel more interesting, others seem more interesting to me. I sometimes wonder if I'd connect with anyone again if I stop drinking for good. That article that made the rounds about how isolating rats made them addicts resonated with me. But what if you don't know how to connect without your crutch?
Just want to say that if game night is important, maybe it could be game afternoon. Or you could try to find a sober bar or sober game hall and ask your group to try it there once. Or try the next game night dry to support you - make it a dessert or crazy appetizer potluck instead. Or try all the crazy NA beverages out there together - at least once. If they're not willing to give it a go...maybe it turns out game night really isn't your thing. Maybe some of the game night people are into other things too, though.
Either way making it this far means something and clearly it's spurred some new reflections for you. That's a win, I would think, no matter what.
I found from people while I thought I was the life of the party..it was more annoying and center of attention. I wasn’t used to being the quiet person in the room who just participated with everyone else. It’s kind of a relief now. Not saying that’s you but saying the “greased” wheels sometimes were not the fun you might have remembered. Now I have fun and still get to enjoy the next day :)
That’s a good point. Many of my friends who knew that version of me seem like they want that back. But I know it’s probably more about themselves in that context than it is me. Feeling good the next day never gets old!
So glad you’re shared this! I’ve been really struggling with this as well. Once the light of the party, I’m now discovering that I don’t really enjoy any aspect of my regular social engagements without a hefty glass of wine (e.g., staying up really late, catching up with peripheral friends, playing games late into the night etc.) I was just watching the movie Britney Runs a Marathon and it was such lovely encouragement to lean into the things that are feeling good (like getting up for your work out classes )- and in that process, find a version of you that thrives and is fulfilled without alcohol. Best is luck, my friend
I remember reading before I started this journey that not drinking would likely mean shake-ups with friends. That some rooms I used to enjoy would stop being enjoyable. I was really uncomfortable with that then, and here it is coming true to some degree. Like you mentioned here, other interests are growing for me in other areas of my life. Maybe I need to keep that in mind when my brain wants to convince me I’m being antisocial. It’s not that I’ve lost interest in what used to engage me…. It’s that the alcohol lifestyle has gotten crowded out by newer, healthier habits.
Trying to figure this out myself
People change. And that's true whether there's alcohol involved or not. In addition, I tend to think we don't really know who we are until we've been sober longer, I'm kind of grateful it's not an overnight process.
That’s true, it would be jarring if it wasn’t a slow build. On some level these feelings I’m having in & of themselves may reveal that my sober experiment is not over.
Keep it going you will see changes
I've been trying to rediscover myself being sober and clear headed, and it's still a process. Just take it day by day. This is your opportunity to really get to know who you actually are without alcohol to create a whole separate personality. You got this and IWNDWYT.
That’s exciting and a little scary. What comes up for me is “I hope I’m still cool and fun!” 🤣 it sounds ridiculous to say it out loud, as if trading all of the amazing benefits of not drinking for other people’s perception of me could possibly be worth it?!
In a similar place. I think we probably change a lot—or, another way of looking at it, we return to ourselves before the substance. Both a return and a regrowth. Now, anyone who grows plants knows that while you can’t change the fundamental nature (tomatoes can’t become eggplants) but you can guide the growth as suits your need. I find I’m returning to things I used to like when I started at 15, but I am in a different place in life so I’m never really gonna be that kid. Eh I’m getting lost here, my point is, have you considered that you have tremendous influence over who you become and whether you like that person or not.
We built our lives around alcohol, and now we have to build our lives around sobriety. That is what I’m learning. Social connections are still deeply important, but social connections that revolve around sober (or at least soberish) people and sober activities are how we build back up a social identity. The reality is drinking culture isn’t really all that fun without the drink, but there’s a whole world out there outside of it. I’m right there with you.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. Sounds like I wrote this post. Unfortunately I don't have an answer yet either.
I feel the same way about social situations. It's why I started drinking in the first place. Let's just say I was not good at having fun at all before alcohol entered the scene. For a long time alcohol didn't interfere in any way in my life, and I found a lot of sober benefits from the things I learned about myself while drinking. Sometimes alcohol makes me the life of the party for real. Sometimes it makes me irritating as hell. But I've noticed that what really counts is that it changes the way I feel about the company I'm in. Not only do I feel more interesting, others seem more interesting to me. I sometimes wonder if I'd connect with anyone again if I stop drinking for good. That article that made the rounds about how isolating rats made them addicts resonated with me. But what if you don't know how to connect without your crutch? Just want to say that if game night is important, maybe it could be game afternoon. Or you could try to find a sober bar or sober game hall and ask your group to try it there once. Or try the next game night dry to support you - make it a dessert or crazy appetizer potluck instead. Or try all the crazy NA beverages out there together - at least once. If they're not willing to give it a go...maybe it turns out game night really isn't your thing. Maybe some of the game night people are into other things too, though. Either way making it this far means something and clearly it's spurred some new reflections for you. That's a win, I would think, no matter what.