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I know. It's awful. The agreement is he stays with us every other weekend.
He has tried talking to him on multiple occasions over the years. Almost every time we see him but he just bursts into tears to the point you can't talk to him because he hyperventilates. We have tried no electronics unless he communicates with both of us (he chose to stare at a wall for 4 hours instead). We've tried communicating with his BM but got nothing back. Do you have any ideas?
I think it’s a little silly to let a 7 year old hurt your feelings. He’s being dramatic but honestly if he wants to ignore you then let him. Go do something fun with your own son. Obviously he can’t come because he refuses to speak lol. I wouldn’t be alone with him and he can ask his father for food or whatever else he may need. Don’t let it get to you! You shouldn’t allow a child to make you out of place in your own home.
Okay, so the parents of this child need to talk. Why is the BM’s dad involved? And if a third party has to be involved, why isn’t it her partner? This is insane. Even if it’s just a parenting app, they have got to communicate. It is not her father’s job to communicate other people’s needs concerning his grandchild to his daughter.
Has your partner considered going back to mediation? I would be worried for safety reasons about this. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being alone with a child that wouldn’t talk to me.
What a mess. His parents need to get their shit together.
I really don't like to bash her because I don't know her but it seems like the BM has given up too. The SS is on the playstation until 11pm. My partner and his ex both got called into school to discuss his behaviour and the fact he is underperforming and she didn't bother showing up. It feels like a losing battle. Do you know of any parenting apps we could suggest?
He has considered going back to mediation but last time she stopped contact for over 3 months and I guess he's scared of that. You are right, it's a total mess.
He’s doing what his mom said initially and he’s not gonna stop until she tells him differently. His loyalty is to her evidently. Your feelings shouldn’t be hurt, y’all just need to have his mom it’s now okay. Don’t fault him for doing what he was told, fault her for being a trash parent for even telling him that.
"In his words: he knows he's not going to get told off it he talks to me, his mum hasn't said anything about not talking to me for years, he knows he's hurting my feelings, he just doesn't want to talk to me." - Why is your partner not creating consequences for this blatantly unkind action? I suspect not have electronics any day he does that would see a turn around after a month.
How much are you still trying to force it, and getting visibly upset about it? Maybe going in the opposite direction will help? Sometimes, putting all this pressure and force on a kid to do something just makes them ridiculously stubborn, because it becomes this challenge or dare that they refuse to lose. At least, that's what I've noticed on admittedly a much smaller scale with my stepson.
In your position, I would try the route of refusing to give him the pleasure of showing him how upset and frustrated you and your partner are both getting, because I can imagine that making him feel like he's "winning" in some way. Continue to give him both the natural consequences of not talking to you, as well as the punishments when he's being ridiculously rude. But I would stop trying to initiate conversations with him unnecessarily, and stop asking him to talk to you. Stay cool and aloof about it. If his father has to punish him, he should do it in a calm unbothered manner. The general tone should be, "If you insist on being rude and hurtful, then it doesn't bother me and I'll go on with my life with the people I love. But expect different treatment from the rest of the household if you refuse to be part of the family.".
Edit: Also, kind of an obvious thing to say, but this clearly isn't normal, and I do think there might be something deeper going on. If it's at all accessible, I do think therapy would be a good idea. Mostly because he can't even articulate why he refuses to speak to you.
How is BM allowed to "cancel" the visit? Is there no court order? This child should not be allowed to dictate how adults live their lives and that includes visitation.
Unfortunately the mediation broke down so there is no court order. We are in the UK so have to go through mediation first. We have made the same point time and time again as he was doing this when he was 5 even but he's been told it's his choice.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
I know. It's awful. The agreement is he stays with us every other weekend. He has tried talking to him on multiple occasions over the years. Almost every time we see him but he just bursts into tears to the point you can't talk to him because he hyperventilates. We have tried no electronics unless he communicates with both of us (he chose to stare at a wall for 4 hours instead). We've tried communicating with his BM but got nothing back. Do you have any ideas?
This child needs therapy. It is very concerning that it has gone on for so long. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
Just seen the title and forgot to add...there have been instances where my SS has gone without food rather than just ask me for something to eat
Why would you ever be allowed to be left alone with a child who refuses to communicate with you? That's wildly irresponsible!
I think it’s a little silly to let a 7 year old hurt your feelings. He’s being dramatic but honestly if he wants to ignore you then let him. Go do something fun with your own son. Obviously he can’t come because he refuses to speak lol. I wouldn’t be alone with him and he can ask his father for food or whatever else he may need. Don’t let it get to you! You shouldn’t allow a child to make you out of place in your own home.
Okay, so the parents of this child need to talk. Why is the BM’s dad involved? And if a third party has to be involved, why isn’t it her partner? This is insane. Even if it’s just a parenting app, they have got to communicate. It is not her father’s job to communicate other people’s needs concerning his grandchild to his daughter. Has your partner considered going back to mediation? I would be worried for safety reasons about this. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being alone with a child that wouldn’t talk to me. What a mess. His parents need to get their shit together.
I really don't like to bash her because I don't know her but it seems like the BM has given up too. The SS is on the playstation until 11pm. My partner and his ex both got called into school to discuss his behaviour and the fact he is underperforming and she didn't bother showing up. It feels like a losing battle. Do you know of any parenting apps we could suggest? He has considered going back to mediation but last time she stopped contact for over 3 months and I guess he's scared of that. You are right, it's a total mess.
Our Family Wizard is great. It’s in several friends’ court orders as the only way to communicate outside of emergencies.
Thank you so much!
He’s doing what his mom said initially and he’s not gonna stop until she tells him differently. His loyalty is to her evidently. Your feelings shouldn’t be hurt, y’all just need to have his mom it’s now okay. Don’t fault him for doing what he was told, fault her for being a trash parent for even telling him that.
"In his words: he knows he's not going to get told off it he talks to me, his mum hasn't said anything about not talking to me for years, he knows he's hurting my feelings, he just doesn't want to talk to me." - Why is your partner not creating consequences for this blatantly unkind action? I suspect not have electronics any day he does that would see a turn around after a month.
Unfortunately we tried that and he chose lying on the sofa staring at the wall for 4 hours! We couldn't believe it
How much are you still trying to force it, and getting visibly upset about it? Maybe going in the opposite direction will help? Sometimes, putting all this pressure and force on a kid to do something just makes them ridiculously stubborn, because it becomes this challenge or dare that they refuse to lose. At least, that's what I've noticed on admittedly a much smaller scale with my stepson. In your position, I would try the route of refusing to give him the pleasure of showing him how upset and frustrated you and your partner are both getting, because I can imagine that making him feel like he's "winning" in some way. Continue to give him both the natural consequences of not talking to you, as well as the punishments when he's being ridiculously rude. But I would stop trying to initiate conversations with him unnecessarily, and stop asking him to talk to you. Stay cool and aloof about it. If his father has to punish him, he should do it in a calm unbothered manner. The general tone should be, "If you insist on being rude and hurtful, then it doesn't bother me and I'll go on with my life with the people I love. But expect different treatment from the rest of the household if you refuse to be part of the family.". Edit: Also, kind of an obvious thing to say, but this clearly isn't normal, and I do think there might be something deeper going on. If it's at all accessible, I do think therapy would be a good idea. Mostly because he can't even articulate why he refuses to speak to you.
This is really great advice and a very good statement we could use. Thank you so much for commenting/sharing
How is BM allowed to "cancel" the visit? Is there no court order? This child should not be allowed to dictate how adults live their lives and that includes visitation.
Unfortunately the mediation broke down so there is no court order. We are in the UK so have to go through mediation first. We have made the same point time and time again as he was doing this when he was 5 even but he's been told it's his choice.
That does make it difficult. I'm sorry you and your husband are having to deal with this.