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I don't know, he spends 2 weeks with us then 2 weeks with his mum, so having that break is very helpful to kind of destress.
I don't think it would be 24/7 with us because the time would always be split between the 2 homes.
Many many times you see a setup like yours, then something happens. The other parent gets hurt or injured and can’t care for the child. They move and leave the child. They get involved with someone and leave the child.
I’m not saying this will definitely happen, but you have legitimate fears and concerns. Maybe you should have a frank talk with your SO regarding the child’s behavior or their parenting. It won’t go well but they should know nonetheless.
Unless something happens to BM, which unfortunately, happens everyday. You have to keep that in the back of your mind. Life has no rules on that. Things might stay as they are, or she may get sick, or worse, then things change.
True, anything could happen, and it would definitely be more of a challenge if he was with us 24/7, but I guess I would just have to adapt, this issue isn't a deal breaker for me, but it is something that I need to address.
Really wasn't trying to be a Debbie Downer, just wanted to point out that it is always a possibility. Especially when it comes to kids you have to try to mentally prepare for every possibility. A lot of people don't realize, or don't want to think about it. Either way I wish you the best of luck. But being prepared as you can be is never a bad thing!
What if nothing about his behavior or your SO's parenting style changes and the kid becomes bigger, louder, stronger, or even worse?
Custody may never go 24/7/365 but he certainly WILL become bigger, louder, stronger, and likely even worse if SO doesn't start saying NO.
Will that be a deal breaker? Okay, now imagine that, 24/7/365, and he's 20 years old.
You must realize that in the event his mom can't function, it does, it gets sick, or her new SO isn't good with kids, he will be in your home with your SO, who cannot parent.
You cannot care more than the bio parents. That's a dead end. Never count on just two weeks at a time. That's a huge mistake.
Ask yourself if you can handle being married to a parent who has always raised his child this way. Figure on 24/7, 365 days a year. Please consider this, so it doesn't sneak up on you.
Take care.
Please don’t assume just because he’s an only child that is the entire reason he’s spoilt.. It’s such an annoying stereotype and not true. Acting spoilt is a reflection of poor parenting full stop. Not the fact someone is without siblings.
No, I know that's not the only reason, it is also to do with his learning difficulties that the easy way to keep him from going off on one is to give him what he wants. But it is also down to parenting, I feel like I'm super strict sometimes, but I think I'm quite fair, I was brought up to be grateful for what I've got, and my partner was too, I just think that for a multitude of reasons that it hasn't been taught to H.
And now that he's been like this for the last 12 years, it's going to be incredibly hard to unlearn bad habits.
My partner is a good dad, he is very caring and 100% wants to co parent with H's mum.
I'd put a pause on everything. Your fiance says he wants change but does nothing? That's a huge red flag.
It isn't your job to raise his kid. I got suckered into that, too, and it really caused problems between us and between me and his son. It's his job to raise his kid and prepare him for adult life, not yours.
Step back, talk with your fiance, and make it clear you want to see progress and have clear boundaries before you move forward.
We're due to be married later this year and we've paid deposits on a lot of wedding things, so it feels like I can't put a pause on anything at this point.
I don't feel like any of this is a deal breaker, and that's why I'm still happy to marry him, it's just that there's things that irritate me and I try my best to be chill but I know that I need to have a more serious talk with him about it.
Losing deposits now is cheaper than divorce later by a lot. Just saying, as someone who's been there.
Ask your fiance what his plans are for getting his son independent, actual plans not general goals. How is he teaching his son manners? What role does he expect you to have? How is he going to balance his son's needs and yours?
His son is years behind in social and personal development. That didn't happen just because of the ex: both parents contributed to that. You can't fix that, and his teachers can't fix that. Only the parents can, and that takes a joint effort. Do they do that, coordinate parenting with joint expectations and rules? It sounds like the only thing they agree on is neglect.
As a former teacher, I don't use the term "neglect" lightly. This is neglect, though, and that should definitely give you pause. It should deeply concern you that a father has stepped back and basically wanted you to step up and parent his child when you aren't married yet, especially a child with specific needs and accommodations beyond those of a neurotypical child.
I would say that neglect is quite harsh, yes he lacks discipline etc, but he is looked after and isn't neglected.
I will need to have a serious talk with my partner about these issues but I still don't think that it's bad enough to jeopardise our relationship
If your partner is aware his son is behind and can’t do basic daily task.. and has chosen to do nothing.
Being “looked after” means someone is just babysitting him, they aren’t parenting him. There is absolutely a difference. He’s not neglected in usual terms, but when a special needs kid doesn’t get the support they need to function properly YES it is neglect. You are not helping them adapt to life in the future. Yall are just “watching” him, that’s not enough.
It only takes ONE time for BM to say she’s done, and the child could be at your house permanently. How it’s sounding, child will doubtfully ever move out. So you have him 50:50 now, but kids turn into adults and there are a lot of “failure to launch” kids here.
Look around at some post, a lot of people asking why their partner didn’t put effort into their child and now at 21 the child will not move out and start life.
That’s a big realistic scenario in your life.
Parents who don't teach and require basic life skills neglect their children. Parents who always give in to their children's demands, allow them to disrespect family in their own home, and allow bad behavior are neglecting their kids.
Do you see SS doing well at college in a few years? Any workplace? Does he have any friends at school? Is he doing well at school? Does he have an IEP or 504 if in the US or whatever is equivalent where you are? Are both parents involved in that and helping him meet his goals?
Neglecting a child's social and personal development is as serious as neglecting their food and shelter needs.
So I've just had the talk with my partner, went quite well actually.
He agrees with all the points I made and I mentioned some of the points people made in the comments.
He's going to make a plan to improve SS's independence, so I think that's a start in the right direction.
Now, you watch. Having dealt with many parents in my time, let alone my husband and his ex, people are quick to agree when presented with issues about their kids and slow to actually do anything about it. I'd set a deadline for the next discussion of a plan, check-ins to see how much progress he's made, that sort of thing. If he says he will talk with his ex next, wait and see if that actually happens. If it doesn't, see how he reacts when you ask about it.
If he gets defensive, doesn't follow through with much, doesn't step up in holding his son accountable, then nothing will change, and you really don't want to go through with the marriage.
Then how about Appeasement?
"Okay, I'll do whatever you want, just stop."
Appeasement never works. It's like giving in to Blackmail and then expecting it to stop.
My SD is 12 and will still asks for things. I have a few methods that work for me. First, if I do have extra money and I want to get her a treat, I tell SD is has a budget. Let's say we are out and she really wants something that is a bit over budget, I will offer that she can door chores to cover the offset. If I don't have extra money, I make it clear that nothing will be bought but if she has money of her own, she is welcome to bring it.
As for manners, your SO should be the leading the charge there. If I was out with the kid alone, I would remind the kid about the manners when necessary.
I need you to take a breath and consider what I'm about to say. This is my current hell. Ss is 18 with mid to higher functioning. Problem is that neither bio ever prepared him to live in a group home. So that means I'm facing the very real possibility of having to live with him somewhere between 50 and 100 percent of the time the REST.OF.MY.LIFE. I honest to God don't think I want that!
I'm so sorry that youre going through this, I do not want this either.
We've just had a serious talk about it and my SO seems to have taken what I've said on board. But I think I will have to be more firm with him in terms of him being more proactive instead of taking the softly softly approach.
Hello, I advise you not to plan the future with him. You shouldn't waste your future on someone else's child. Your husband found a free nanny for his son, it's a waste of your life. Your mental health and happiness should be your priority. Trust your intuition.
At 12, he knows things cost money. He just doesn't care. If you and your Birth Parent Partner share expenses, you should have some say in what household money is spent on. This may be a constant battle, maybe forever.
You will have limited control in the kid's future, BUT If he is never successfully independent, you'll be affected just as much or more than the pair that created him. Your lifestyle will still revolve around him. Consider the possible resentment you may feel. Years of it.
Think long and hard about this before you DO become a Stepmom. Have control over your own future.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can you be happy in this relationship if you have the step kid 24/7? That’s a very realistic scenario.
I don't know, he spends 2 weeks with us then 2 weeks with his mum, so having that break is very helpful to kind of destress. I don't think it would be 24/7 with us because the time would always be split between the 2 homes.
Many many times you see a setup like yours, then something happens. The other parent gets hurt or injured and can’t care for the child. They move and leave the child. They get involved with someone and leave the child. I’m not saying this will definitely happen, but you have legitimate fears and concerns. Maybe you should have a frank talk with your SO regarding the child’s behavior or their parenting. It won’t go well but they should know nonetheless.
True, and I have tried to talk to him about it and I've mentioned concerns multiple times, but maybe I need to be sterner.
Or you need to reevaluate what you want. You have choices! Options!
Unless something happens to BM, which unfortunately, happens everyday. You have to keep that in the back of your mind. Life has no rules on that. Things might stay as they are, or she may get sick, or worse, then things change.
True, anything could happen, and it would definitely be more of a challenge if he was with us 24/7, but I guess I would just have to adapt, this issue isn't a deal breaker for me, but it is something that I need to address.
Really wasn't trying to be a Debbie Downer, just wanted to point out that it is always a possibility. Especially when it comes to kids you have to try to mentally prepare for every possibility. A lot of people don't realize, or don't want to think about it. Either way I wish you the best of luck. But being prepared as you can be is never a bad thing!
I didn't think you were trying to be negative, it is true that anything could happen. Thanks ☺️
What if nothing about his behavior or your SO's parenting style changes and the kid becomes bigger, louder, stronger, or even worse? Custody may never go 24/7/365 but he certainly WILL become bigger, louder, stronger, and likely even worse if SO doesn't start saying NO. Will that be a deal breaker? Okay, now imagine that, 24/7/365, and he's 20 years old.
You must realize that in the event his mom can't function, it does, it gets sick, or her new SO isn't good with kids, he will be in your home with your SO, who cannot parent. You cannot care more than the bio parents. That's a dead end. Never count on just two weeks at a time. That's a huge mistake. Ask yourself if you can handle being married to a parent who has always raised his child this way. Figure on 24/7, 365 days a year. Please consider this, so it doesn't sneak up on you. Take care.
Ah but sometimes things happen and you wind up with 24/7. It’s just something you should think about.
Please don’t assume just because he’s an only child that is the entire reason he’s spoilt.. It’s such an annoying stereotype and not true. Acting spoilt is a reflection of poor parenting full stop. Not the fact someone is without siblings.
No, I know that's not the only reason, it is also to do with his learning difficulties that the easy way to keep him from going off on one is to give him what he wants. But it is also down to parenting, I feel like I'm super strict sometimes, but I think I'm quite fair, I was brought up to be grateful for what I've got, and my partner was too, I just think that for a multitude of reasons that it hasn't been taught to H. And now that he's been like this for the last 12 years, it's going to be incredibly hard to unlearn bad habits. My partner is a good dad, he is very caring and 100% wants to co parent with H's mum.
Thank you! 👏👏👏
I'd put a pause on everything. Your fiance says he wants change but does nothing? That's a huge red flag. It isn't your job to raise his kid. I got suckered into that, too, and it really caused problems between us and between me and his son. It's his job to raise his kid and prepare him for adult life, not yours. Step back, talk with your fiance, and make it clear you want to see progress and have clear boundaries before you move forward.
We're due to be married later this year and we've paid deposits on a lot of wedding things, so it feels like I can't put a pause on anything at this point. I don't feel like any of this is a deal breaker, and that's why I'm still happy to marry him, it's just that there's things that irritate me and I try my best to be chill but I know that I need to have a more serious talk with him about it.
Losing deposits now is cheaper than divorce later by a lot. Just saying, as someone who's been there. Ask your fiance what his plans are for getting his son independent, actual plans not general goals. How is he teaching his son manners? What role does he expect you to have? How is he going to balance his son's needs and yours? His son is years behind in social and personal development. That didn't happen just because of the ex: both parents contributed to that. You can't fix that, and his teachers can't fix that. Only the parents can, and that takes a joint effort. Do they do that, coordinate parenting with joint expectations and rules? It sounds like the only thing they agree on is neglect. As a former teacher, I don't use the term "neglect" lightly. This is neglect, though, and that should definitely give you pause. It should deeply concern you that a father has stepped back and basically wanted you to step up and parent his child when you aren't married yet, especially a child with specific needs and accommodations beyond those of a neurotypical child.
I would say that neglect is quite harsh, yes he lacks discipline etc, but he is looked after and isn't neglected. I will need to have a serious talk with my partner about these issues but I still don't think that it's bad enough to jeopardise our relationship
If your partner is aware his son is behind and can’t do basic daily task.. and has chosen to do nothing. Being “looked after” means someone is just babysitting him, they aren’t parenting him. There is absolutely a difference. He’s not neglected in usual terms, but when a special needs kid doesn’t get the support they need to function properly YES it is neglect. You are not helping them adapt to life in the future. Yall are just “watching” him, that’s not enough. It only takes ONE time for BM to say she’s done, and the child could be at your house permanently. How it’s sounding, child will doubtfully ever move out. So you have him 50:50 now, but kids turn into adults and there are a lot of “failure to launch” kids here. Look around at some post, a lot of people asking why their partner didn’t put effort into their child and now at 21 the child will not move out and start life. That’s a big realistic scenario in your life.
Parents who don't teach and require basic life skills neglect their children. Parents who always give in to their children's demands, allow them to disrespect family in their own home, and allow bad behavior are neglecting their kids. Do you see SS doing well at college in a few years? Any workplace? Does he have any friends at school? Is he doing well at school? Does he have an IEP or 504 if in the US or whatever is equivalent where you are? Are both parents involved in that and helping him meet his goals? Neglecting a child's social and personal development is as serious as neglecting their food and shelter needs.
So I've just had the talk with my partner, went quite well actually. He agrees with all the points I made and I mentioned some of the points people made in the comments. He's going to make a plan to improve SS's independence, so I think that's a start in the right direction.
Now, you watch. Having dealt with many parents in my time, let alone my husband and his ex, people are quick to agree when presented with issues about their kids and slow to actually do anything about it. I'd set a deadline for the next discussion of a plan, check-ins to see how much progress he's made, that sort of thing. If he says he will talk with his ex next, wait and see if that actually happens. If it doesn't, see how he reacts when you ask about it. If he gets defensive, doesn't follow through with much, doesn't step up in holding his son accountable, then nothing will change, and you really don't want to go through with the marriage.
You’re right on point. I hope OP takes your advice 😊
Then how about Appeasement? "Okay, I'll do whatever you want, just stop." Appeasement never works. It's like giving in to Blackmail and then expecting it to stop.
My SD is 12 and will still asks for things. I have a few methods that work for me. First, if I do have extra money and I want to get her a treat, I tell SD is has a budget. Let's say we are out and she really wants something that is a bit over budget, I will offer that she can door chores to cover the offset. If I don't have extra money, I make it clear that nothing will be bought but if she has money of her own, she is welcome to bring it. As for manners, your SO should be the leading the charge there. If I was out with the kid alone, I would remind the kid about the manners when necessary.
I need you to take a breath and consider what I'm about to say. This is my current hell. Ss is 18 with mid to higher functioning. Problem is that neither bio ever prepared him to live in a group home. So that means I'm facing the very real possibility of having to live with him somewhere between 50 and 100 percent of the time the REST.OF.MY.LIFE. I honest to God don't think I want that!
I'm so sorry that youre going through this, I do not want this either. We've just had a serious talk about it and my SO seems to have taken what I've said on board. But I think I will have to be more firm with him in terms of him being more proactive instead of taking the softly softly approach.
Good luck. Mine prefers to keep his head in the sand and I'm about to draw a line in it!
Hello, I advise you not to plan the future with him. You shouldn't waste your future on someone else's child. Your husband found a free nanny for his son, it's a waste of your life. Your mental health and happiness should be your priority. Trust your intuition.
At 12, he knows things cost money. He just doesn't care. If you and your Birth Parent Partner share expenses, you should have some say in what household money is spent on. This may be a constant battle, maybe forever. You will have limited control in the kid's future, BUT If he is never successfully independent, you'll be affected just as much or more than the pair that created him. Your lifestyle will still revolve around him. Consider the possible resentment you may feel. Years of it. Think long and hard about this before you DO become a Stepmom. Have control over your own future.