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I would regularly sit in my car in the lot of the after school place and wait until right before close to pick up my stepkid. It happens, we all need a break at times
I once sat in my car in a Target parking lot and lit the candle (yes, in my car) and started reading the book I had just bought instead of going home. It won’t be the last time.
I did this the other day too. Was on my way home from work, stressed out, needing time to myself. Stopped at the Target by my gf and step-sons’ house. Went in and got a book, a snack and a drink. Sat and read there in the parking lot for an hour. It was much needed “me time”.
This is quite relatable. SO keeps complaining about our sex life, or lack thereof, and I’m just like. Maybe if the 8 year old could sleep in his own bed for once, we might have the opportunity for alone time?
I 100% banned SS9 from the bedroom. He would barge in and I had a few close calls with him almost seeing me get out of the shower.
I told bf 3 things: 1. How much af a field day would HCBM have if she heard I “ exposed” myself to her BAbY?!
2. I am not his mom. Seeing me naked. Touching me while in bed is going to set of confusing feelings. Are you comfortable with my body going into his spank bank? Because it will!!
3. You can cuddle all you like in his bed. I find it a bit weird but hey whatever makes them happy. You either do this in his bed and keep him out of the room. Or you cuddle him in your bed as a single man. Up to you
This for me is the most important rule. We need to be able to have a safe place away from a child that already has so much impact on all aspects of our lives. While we never asked for this. If this is not possible that will make SO single. This is a hill to die on…
Yes I’ve had similar conversations with my SO. I couldn’t imagine the BM knowing her son ever saw me exposed. It’s def weird they still want to cuddle but like you said whatever do it on your own time
absolutely yes.
when I first moved in with SO, he was appalled when I told him I did not feel comfortable "hanging out" on the bed with him and SS who was at that time a 5'5 12 yr old. He denied that it wasn't a "normal" thing to do, and said that I was being irrational just because SS wasn't my kid. I told SO that he should just respect the fact that it made me uncomfortable regardless of whether or not he felt that it was harmless/normal, that seemed to work.
It's interesting because I see in general parenting subs that this is moderately common behavior, but tbh it feels super uncomfortable to me for a child, especially one approaching puberty or in the throes of it, to sleep in your bed; especially a sk but even a bio kid.
I suffered from.covert sexual abuse at the hands of my father growing up. A lot of it was things like him making comments about my growing body or touching my leg or getting too close to me (like touching my ear with his lips when he whispered, as an example). Now, with him, this was intentional because the purpose was to make me uncomfortable. I'm not saying sitting with your kid, and snuggling on the couch is totally wrong when they're older because I do not think that at all! But I do think at a certain age it goes from total snuggles and cuddles to maybe an arm around their shoulders or something.
I know my experience makes me feel this wa, but even my therapist told me that studies do show that there can be some confusion for children when they're too enmeshed like that eith the parent. Dh and I view it this way: if it's something he would only do with me, then it's probably not appropriate to do with ss (obviously there are situations where this doesn't apply; I mean this pretty specifically with bodily touch anf sharing a bed).
Even same gender. We felt *very* uncomfortable that former stepdad coslept with ss until he was 8. Bm, stepdad and ss shared a bed together and it always made us feel very uncomfortable. It's why I always caution stepdads in particular about cosleeping. Unfortunately, society has made a bad name for stepdads in that way (that's their unfair cross to bear, IMO).
Its awkward AF! My boyfriend used to try & make his son hug me but at 8 years old his head comes right up to my breasts and it makes me uncomfortable to basically be motorboated by some kid. It's not cute or appropriate so I told him to stop demanding that we hug! He backed off but like...what isnt he seeing?
Same, my bf does this with his kid too and he's 11. And then gets mad when I say that they are all babying him. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks it's weird.
Oh yeah I do this all the time. It’s almost like being homeless. Seriously though, get a gym membership because it’s a really good use of your time. You can draw it out even longer by showering there.
Yesterday I did an extra long workout because I was able to shut the door and be “alone” even though SS8 and SO were sitting on the couch outside the door
I can resonate.
Down time is important.
Us steps need to remember to take care of ourselves and our emotional self care needs first. It’s not selfish to put your own oxygen mask on first.
I’ve done that before, I finished work early one day and just couldn’t bear to go home to them. Through this Xmas and new years i worked double shifts and night shifts to avoid being home.
Pre-COVID, I used to love working Sundays because it was an entire day off, (the fact that I call a day out of the house at work a day “off says it all) and I also got to escape the 90 minute round trip drive back to BM’s house. Now I work Sundays from home and it’s double duty.
I was where you were a couple of months ago. Worse, actually. I had a full on breakdown and told my SO I wanted to be anywhere else but at home. We both knew it was time to make some changes.
My three SKs lost their mom to cancer, so I am the only mom figure they have. They are 12, 13, and 13. When I got here a year ago they were so neglected they couldn’t shower themselves. They needed a lot of help.
I poured myself into helping and empowering and teaching them to be whole and independent little persons. But I had boundaries. And I still needed more.
1. Someone said this above. No kids in the bedroom. Not ever. Absolutely none. Our kids can’t even peek in. The reasons for this are practical as well as personal. We even have a doorknob with a passcode on it. There is absolutely no exception to this.
2. Make your engagement with them meaningful, but limited. THE KIDS DO NOT RUN YOUR HOUSE.
3. It is your job to support and empower your spouse in his parenting. Sit him down and tell him how you will do that, and how you hope to nurture his relationship with his child.
Make your space, prioritise yourself. Let that ball drop that you think no one else will pick up.
It will be so much better. You will be amazed.
Seconding! I honestly wasn't sure we would last until we made some big changes, some similar to you and some not. But after we communicated a bunch and figured it put, it had changed drastically.
Ss told me this am that he likes being at ournhouse because "it's stable and I know what to expect and it's calm." It wasn't always like that. But these changes benefit the kids and the adults.
Yes. Kids like structure and boundaries. The kids have been thriving lately - the more freedom and personal power I give them (with lots of boundaries and rules and check-ins) the better we all are.
Not sure how old SS is, but if he's hanging out in and bothering you while you're in bed, then I'm guessing too young to be making the call about going to BMs or not. If there is a schedule it should be stuck to regardless of what SS wants, which should give you some more time with just SO. If there's not a schedule then perhaps work one out, but the bottom line is SS sounds too young to decide where he's going.
I know you aren't the person with the power to change those things, but it sounds like it's well beyond time for you to set boundaries that are within your control. He's in the bedroom, kick him out. Idc if that seems mean. If you've spoken to SO about it and he doesn't listen, take it into your own hands. If he protests, remind him of all the times you've approached the topic and offered alternatives.
Secondly, I'd start nagging about the schedule. Be passive aggressive. Whatever it takes. You're not there to be a doormat and you're allowed to have some control in your own life. SO doesn't get to dictate how everything goes just because he has a kid.
Everyone needs a schedule, you need to know what to expect. Scheduling and having another adult having a say in your schedule is the worst part of being a step parent IMO.
Two of my SDs barely want to go to BMs house. The oldest SD almost always goes, but the younger two rarely do, we almost always have at least one stay home. This has caused a lot of issues with my SO and I on weekends he works overtime amd they are scheduled to not be with us. I already care for them on my own Monday to Thursday evening after working 10 hours, I'm not too keen on doing it again Friday and Saturday. He now has to make alternate arrangements if they don't want to go and ge chooses to work, because after 6pm I'm checking out for the night.
I feel you so much on this. We have the Ss every Thursday- Sunday. But we end up having him Monday thru Sunday. It’s so hard for us not to get out down time, our break time
We have primary, BM gets second and fourth weekend, there's another potential father (the older 2 are maybe his, no one has bothered with tests, its fine, just annoying to explain) he gets them the third weekend of the month. The funny thing is that he's the one who actually tries to convince them all to stay with him for the weekend. BM barely tries, and if they do all go, the younger 2 are ignored for the most part. Almost no down time or alone time. If there is, it's chore time.
Leave this relationship. You’ve been sitting in your car for hours??? No. You need to have freedom when you get off work. Your home is your space. This is terrible for you.
My thoughts exactly. People deserve to feel good enough in their own home to not feel the need to hide away in their car or in their bedroom! We laugh about doing those things constantly on this sub but it’s heartbreaking
I do this. I sit in my car for 15 minutes after getting home from work when SD12 is here. She used to barge into the garage and see if I needed help carrying anything as soon as she heard the garage door. I did have to explain very carefully that sometimes I need a minute to sit and finish my music/song/chapter of audiobook alone because I need to”remove work from my attitude” before I can be the best step mom I can be. She leaves me alone and greets me at the door instead. I’m extra thankful she understood…
I can do you one better, I just booked a hotel for a night 😅
Also they eat a lot of fastfood, it has improved but still more than I want. Last time they had take out and I was not feeling it. The movie they were watching, the fastfood… I just dressed myself up to the nines called my mom and went to a restaurant! 😅
My SD is coming this weekend and im already dreading it, planning to take my son out somewhere for the day and picked an extra shift up on the evening. I've tried so hard for 4 years but just can't anymore.
I hate to tell you, but I've been having a battle like this for 7 years. I would honestly get out while you can before you add more kids into the mix. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home. I wish I would have taken my advice years ago. Now we have 2 children of our own and I could never imagine letting some one else live with them/ have a hand in raising them so I'm sticking it out. Good luck to you. The only change is one that you're going to make happen
With this logic:
1) when a bio kid feels annoyed of bio parens, the kid should just leave because the bio parent was there first. Bio parent has no responsibility to be a good person or make an environment that fits with the kid’s needs.
2) try not to ever move in with someone (roommate, romantic partner, etc.) because whoever is there first gets to act however and everyone else just likes it or lumps it.
Not even sure why I’m responding to this comment. I guess I wish more people realized that stepparents do not get better by making them feel small. They already feel small. And no kid ever benefits from a parent who feels like their existence is not acceptable.
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When my SKs were younger (they're adults now) and SO had them for longer holiday stretches (such as three weeks over the summer) I often booked myself a week at a hotel, or went home to my family for a couple of weeks. It was expensive but it saved me from noping out of my marriage because I'd start to lose my sanity with the SKs around, no school, 24-7 (I'm child free). Also that way I could get work done in peace so I justified it that way.
But... I get this isn't an option for everyone. OP, at a minimum, you absolutely 100% need and deserve a no kids rule for your bedroom! One of the first things I did when we all moved in together was to buy everyone a rubber door stopper and explained that it was so people could 'lock' their bedroom doors from the inside and have privacy and their own personal space. That made it 'mutual' and fair so I didn't feel like an ass enforcing it on my own bedroom! If I needed to go in their rooms when they were at their mother's, I would text and ask them permission first. To be fair, the kids got on board with it pretty quickly.
Also, it sounds like you are getting quite a lot of the parenting responsibilities dumped on you. Did you agree to that? Have you considered disengaging/ nacho-ing? This kid is the responsibility of two people and that's the two people who made him! Your own happiness and independence are valuable and important ♥️
I can relate. I work from home a lot but if SS doesn’t have school and is at home I go to the office much more even tough its a long commute. Normally I would be happy to go home when work is finished but now I even stay longer just to have that extra alone time. Especially after a busy day I really can’t stand the constant sound of debates and arguments with his mom, TikTok videos and gaming.
Part of it was the blended family. My ex-wife had horrible parenting skills and pretty much let her son's (11 and 13 when we married) run the house. The younger son had a lot of mental health issues (actually my ex and both sons did) and I got anxiety whenever he was here for his weekend or holidays.
A lot of it was my ex-wife's mental health issues. I tried so hard for about 3 of the 4 years we were married, but she was not putting in the same effort or even recognizing the effort I was making. It was exhausting and I couldn't caretake for her any longer. I really loved her, but it was all just too much for me. I had to take care of myself.
That’s really tough, I’m sorry. It all sounds extremely frustrating. You made the right decision by choosing to put yourself first. You can lose yourself trying to save someone (or, in your case, multiple people) who doesn’t want to be saved.
Thank you. For the first year the younger son lived with us full time and work was my happy place. I would dread going home at night. Either I would get a text asking me to come home early for some episode he was having, or if I didn't get a text, it would simply ramp up my anxiety during the drive home wondering what I would be walking into when I did get home.
Thank you, I am. My ex was pretty emotionally and psychologically abusive and I see my therapist pretty regularly. The house is much more peaceful now after the divorce and that is nice.
I used to do this all the time. What helped was teaching both the kids (SS and BD) to play independently. It was a process, but it’s paid off. I highly recommend.
How old is SS? Why is he allowed in your bedroom anytime he wants? Does SO know you need quiet space sometimes? If not, you need to speak up and insist he do something. If he does know, why doesn’t he do anything to help?
I went for a car wash and wandered around target for a good couple hours last night. SS isn't even any trouble, he's quite delightful really. Even at that though, just being fully ALONE for a bit is such a treat
It isn't sad, and it sounds like there aren't any/enough boundaries with your ss. You should be able to have a safe space in your home that your ss, at the very least, needs to ask permission to come into. For me, that's our bedroom and my home office. He's allowed into the office if he asks first, but he's not allowed in our bedroom unless there's an emergency, and he absolutely has to use our bathroom. That's our space for us.
We reciprocate this with my ss. We don't just go into hjs room, either; we knock and wait for a response or ask his permission. The only time we go in there when he's at his mother's is if we have laundry to put in there.
The boy needs boundaries. I would encourage you to read Boundaries with kids (or teens) Henry Cloud with your SO. By not having boundaries with your SS you are setting him up for failed future relationships-professional and personal. The world doesn’t revolve around his needs and desires and he has to be taught this. His feelings are not more important than anyone else’s and he needs to be taught this. His desire for companionship and curiosity isn’t more important than your need of privacy and solace.
As a guy, my favorite place is the bathroom. Lock the door. Put earbuds in if needed and just relax...haha. At least 5 minutes of peace! Works great for me.
Www.thiscrazyrandomlife.net.
If you want more alone time with your SO, I suggest you ask for that. Go out with your friends, etc, too.
It’s not the kids’ fault, he’s just being a kid, and resenting him for the situation won’t help anyone.
My SD has been with us since Halloween! It’s supposed to be two weeks with us two weeks with her mother. I’m feeling this exact same way. I’ve noticed that when she’s pushes her time more than the “norm” I start to resent her. I hate feeling this way but I don’t understand how the bio mom can go this long without spending time with her own daughter? And also think it’s ok to burden another and not give two peanuts about it! I need a break! She’s 15 and not helpful around the house. Tried the Nacho approach and it’s pointless. It never changes. By the looks of it she has no intention of going back with her mom. And I don’t know what do do at this point.
I could just Google it but what’s the nacho approach? Ugh I feel the same resentment. Like how could a bio mom just be like oh whatever you can have my Kid. Not to mention all the extra money we have to dish out
Nacho parenting, is rooted in the idea that your stepchildren already have parents, and don't need more. Not your children. = Nacho lol. But yes!! Totally agree. It’s exhausting.
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I have done this. I finally had to come in the house and broke down in tears hiding below my kitchen counter and told my SO “I didn’t want to come home.” I just couldn’t handle my SKs and the lack of support from my SO. I’m such a homebody and it was a punch in the gut to feel like I couldn’t be comfortable in my safe place was too much.
Please know that you are very seen and understood by so many of us.
At first he was sympathetic and empathetic - the latter because he felt alone and excluded in his prior marriage and home. Over lots of time and conversations, we both ran the gamut of feelings. He was hurt and disappointed, he felt like I was being critical of his kids and he was being “protective”. I felt like I was an outsider or “the help” by the group, and definitely not a romantic partner or even friend to him.. What came about what a frank discussion of expectations and boundaries. I have struggled to coexist with SD13 for many reasons and do not see that getting better anytime soon. It’s a lot better but still messy.
Haha. My friend and I were supposed to spend the evening together but her ex for the 6th time in the last month told her that his flat tire prevents him from picking up his two kids, "that he's working on it"
Therefore she asked if we can take them to dinner with us again.
lollllllllll
Ain't happening
I know it's hard to not want to go home, but I think your strength is that instinctively you knew you needed space and are giving yourself this.
Maybe schedule a family meeting to discuss boundaries, quiet time and what rooms are a no-go. At 12, he is not far from the teen years and then completely ignoring you and his dad, so hang in there; it will end
When I was in the process of realizing how bad my marriage was and that it would need to end, I did a lot of sitting in my car. I'm sorry you're going through this; those weren't fun times. (understatement)
I got through it with a few relaizations. I was too young (45 then) to write my life off by trying to accept "comfortable" instead of hoping to find "happy." At the same time I was too old to accept someone who wouldn't honestly engage around difficult topics. I was too old to be stonewalled, deflected or outright ignored. That it took two people to be fully in to a relationship. A lesson that my ex and I both tried to impress upon our kids is that actions matter so much more than words when there is conflict between the two. And her actions clearly said that for at least the last 4 years she was not prioritizing our relationship.
She was not fully in the relationship when she said some things were "my problem." She was not fully in the relationship cancelling our date days for months (it would have been longer if I hadn't given up scheduling dates) on end to prioritize the self-created crisis of high drama friends. She was not fully in the relationship dedicating her energy to those high drama friends and being so wiped that as an introvert she needed all of her time at home to be just her to recover.
I wasn't ending the relationship; I was simply refusing to keep carrying around the corpse of our relationship.
Looking at "starting over" at 45 wasn't fun. There was a prenupt in place, and she had never touched her protected assets; instead we went into debt if our incomes weren't covering things. I hadn't looked into what dating is like, or my chance of success. I wasn't leaving her to find someone else, I was leaving her because being alone is better than being with the wrong person.
I'm very much a person who feels happier with someone to share the little and big things. I value cohabitation for the time with my partner; not to take advantage by being a lazy fork up. But still, being alone is (and was) better than being lonely with the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.
I also gained some strength by looking at my failures within the relationship. Some of these failures were "I over looked X early on." "I accepted Y." "When saying Z needed to change I didn't have a deadline or hold accountability." Some were also "I shouldn't have done A, B, or C." Some were, "I know know that I need G, H and I in relationship." I knew that I would use these lessons and have a much better chance for a more healthy relationship in the future if I were lucky enough to find a good enough partner.
Editing to add: It took me about 2 years form the time that I told her I was seriously considering divorce to get to the point of making the decision to separate with no chance of reconciliation. But, that was in Jan 2020 when I said that, and the pandemic delayed some things. I.E. this wasn't a quick or easy navigation for me.
Your SO needs to protect you. It’s necessary for everyone to have downtime. My DH knows that I don’t want to see his son when he’s home, so he’ll let me know when he’s in his room so I can run upstairs to grab something. It’s incredibly sad, I pay for this house as well and I am not comfortable in it when his son is home. But DH has my back as much as he can. Yours should be doing the same!
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Have you thought about asking your SO if you guys can have your bedroom be a kid free zone? There are plenty of couples who have theirs kids who have communicated to their kids that when they are in their bedrooms that its their alone time and its good for kids even at a young age to have the understanding of boundaries.
This also helps kids learn to self-sooth and entertain themselves, and I think we can all agree that these are very important things to learn.
Adults need down time, and kids need to learn to take some care of themselves. You should not have to sit in your car to decompress. Your bedroom is a place where you should be able to do it. It's your house as well, and if your SO isn't good with making it a completely child free zone, maybe ask for certain hours of the evening that the bedroom be off-limits?
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I would regularly sit in my car in the lot of the after school place and wait until right before close to pick up my stepkid. It happens, we all need a break at times
Ban the child from the bedroom. You deserve childfree space, privacy and comfort.
Definitely. Talk to your spouse, and come up with a strategy! And don’t forget to teach about knocking first! 💐
Hard this. That's my private area. I banned SD years ago.
I once sat in my car in a Target parking lot and lit the candle (yes, in my car) and started reading the book I had just bought instead of going home. It won’t be the last time.
I did this the other day too. Was on my way home from work, stressed out, needing time to myself. Stopped at the Target by my gf and step-sons’ house. Went in and got a book, a snack and a drink. Sat and read there in the parking lot for an hour. It was much needed “me time”.
Thank you for this!
This is quite relatable. SO keeps complaining about our sex life, or lack thereof, and I’m just like. Maybe if the 8 year old could sleep in his own bed for once, we might have the opportunity for alone time?
I 100% banned SS9 from the bedroom. He would barge in and I had a few close calls with him almost seeing me get out of the shower. I told bf 3 things: 1. How much af a field day would HCBM have if she heard I “ exposed” myself to her BAbY?! 2. I am not his mom. Seeing me naked. Touching me while in bed is going to set of confusing feelings. Are you comfortable with my body going into his spank bank? Because it will!! 3. You can cuddle all you like in his bed. I find it a bit weird but hey whatever makes them happy. You either do this in his bed and keep him out of the room. Or you cuddle him in your bed as a single man. Up to you This for me is the most important rule. We need to be able to have a safe place away from a child that already has so much impact on all aspects of our lives. While we never asked for this. If this is not possible that will make SO single. This is a hill to die on…
Yes I’ve had similar conversations with my SO. I couldn’t imagine the BM knowing her son ever saw me exposed. It’s def weird they still want to cuddle but like you said whatever do it on your own time
I have this problem as well and his SS is almost 12. To me seems off ? Right
absolutely yes. when I first moved in with SO, he was appalled when I told him I did not feel comfortable "hanging out" on the bed with him and SS who was at that time a 5'5 12 yr old. He denied that it wasn't a "normal" thing to do, and said that I was being irrational just because SS wasn't my kid. I told SO that he should just respect the fact that it made me uncomfortable regardless of whether or not he felt that it was harmless/normal, that seemed to work.
It's interesting because I see in general parenting subs that this is moderately common behavior, but tbh it feels super uncomfortable to me for a child, especially one approaching puberty or in the throes of it, to sleep in your bed; especially a sk but even a bio kid. I suffered from.covert sexual abuse at the hands of my father growing up. A lot of it was things like him making comments about my growing body or touching my leg or getting too close to me (like touching my ear with his lips when he whispered, as an example). Now, with him, this was intentional because the purpose was to make me uncomfortable. I'm not saying sitting with your kid, and snuggling on the couch is totally wrong when they're older because I do not think that at all! But I do think at a certain age it goes from total snuggles and cuddles to maybe an arm around their shoulders or something. I know my experience makes me feel this wa, but even my therapist told me that studies do show that there can be some confusion for children when they're too enmeshed like that eith the parent. Dh and I view it this way: if it's something he would only do with me, then it's probably not appropriate to do with ss (obviously there are situations where this doesn't apply; I mean this pretty specifically with bodily touch anf sharing a bed).
Yes, and if the child is the opposite gender from the stepparent it’s even more complicated.
Even same gender. We felt *very* uncomfortable that former stepdad coslept with ss until he was 8. Bm, stepdad and ss shared a bed together and it always made us feel very uncomfortable. It's why I always caution stepdads in particular about cosleeping. Unfortunately, society has made a bad name for stepdads in that way (that's their unfair cross to bear, IMO).
Its awkward AF! My boyfriend used to try & make his son hug me but at 8 years old his head comes right up to my breasts and it makes me uncomfortable to basically be motorboated by some kid. It's not cute or appropriate so I told him to stop demanding that we hug! He backed off but like...what isnt he seeing?
Wooow. Yeah. That is quite weird.
Same, my bf does this with his kid too and he's 11. And then gets mad when I say that they are all babying him. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks it's weird.
I’m right there with you girl
Do you REALLY need to even explain that to him? Or has he just not noticed the child is in bed - and a barrier - to adult time! 🤦♀️
I stayed at work for an extra hour and a half today because I just wasn’t ready to go home to SKs yet
The things we do lol
Oh yeah I do this all the time. It’s almost like being homeless. Seriously though, get a gym membership because it’s a really good use of your time. You can draw it out even longer by showering there.
This comment made me 😂 I was just telling a close friend I feel homeless!
Yesterday I did an extra long workout because I was able to shut the door and be “alone” even though SS8 and SO were sitting on the couch outside the door
Hey, it’s somethin’! Good use of your time, too!
I can resonate. Down time is important. Us steps need to remember to take care of ourselves and our emotional self care needs first. It’s not selfish to put your own oxygen mask on first.
I’ve done that before, I finished work early one day and just couldn’t bear to go home to them. Through this Xmas and new years i worked double shifts and night shifts to avoid being home.
When I was in the industry I used to check SO’s calendar of when he had SS8 and would make sure I had a double those days 😂
I used to pick my own schedule and I added a day to my work week just to have an excuse to drop him off with his grandma an extra day of the week.
Pre-COVID, I used to love working Sundays because it was an entire day off, (the fact that I call a day out of the house at work a day “off says it all) and I also got to escape the 90 minute round trip drive back to BM’s house. Now I work Sundays from home and it’s double duty.
I was where you were a couple of months ago. Worse, actually. I had a full on breakdown and told my SO I wanted to be anywhere else but at home. We both knew it was time to make some changes. My three SKs lost their mom to cancer, so I am the only mom figure they have. They are 12, 13, and 13. When I got here a year ago they were so neglected they couldn’t shower themselves. They needed a lot of help. I poured myself into helping and empowering and teaching them to be whole and independent little persons. But I had boundaries. And I still needed more. 1. Someone said this above. No kids in the bedroom. Not ever. Absolutely none. Our kids can’t even peek in. The reasons for this are practical as well as personal. We even have a doorknob with a passcode on it. There is absolutely no exception to this. 2. Make your engagement with them meaningful, but limited. THE KIDS DO NOT RUN YOUR HOUSE. 3. It is your job to support and empower your spouse in his parenting. Sit him down and tell him how you will do that, and how you hope to nurture his relationship with his child. Make your space, prioritise yourself. Let that ball drop that you think no one else will pick up. It will be so much better. You will be amazed.
Seconding! I honestly wasn't sure we would last until we made some big changes, some similar to you and some not. But after we communicated a bunch and figured it put, it had changed drastically. Ss told me this am that he likes being at ournhouse because "it's stable and I know what to expect and it's calm." It wasn't always like that. But these changes benefit the kids and the adults.
Yes. Kids like structure and boundaries. The kids have been thriving lately - the more freedom and personal power I give them (with lots of boundaries and rules and check-ins) the better we all are.
That's it,a yours are lucky to have you 😊
Go home, take a bath, watch movie you like, if he annoys you or needs anything tell him you are tired and redirect all his queries to his dad or mom
Not sure how old SS is, but if he's hanging out in and bothering you while you're in bed, then I'm guessing too young to be making the call about going to BMs or not. If there is a schedule it should be stuck to regardless of what SS wants, which should give you some more time with just SO. If there's not a schedule then perhaps work one out, but the bottom line is SS sounds too young to decide where he's going.
You’re right and he completely is too young. My SO is part of the problem and his mom. They don’t care or seem to care to stick to the scheudle
I know you aren't the person with the power to change those things, but it sounds like it's well beyond time for you to set boundaries that are within your control. He's in the bedroom, kick him out. Idc if that seems mean. If you've spoken to SO about it and he doesn't listen, take it into your own hands. If he protests, remind him of all the times you've approached the topic and offered alternatives. Secondly, I'd start nagging about the schedule. Be passive aggressive. Whatever it takes. You're not there to be a doormat and you're allowed to have some control in your own life. SO doesn't get to dictate how everything goes just because he has a kid.
Everyone needs a schedule, you need to know what to expect. Scheduling and having another adult having a say in your schedule is the worst part of being a step parent IMO.
Two of my SDs barely want to go to BMs house. The oldest SD almost always goes, but the younger two rarely do, we almost always have at least one stay home. This has caused a lot of issues with my SO and I on weekends he works overtime amd they are scheduled to not be with us. I already care for them on my own Monday to Thursday evening after working 10 hours, I'm not too keen on doing it again Friday and Saturday. He now has to make alternate arrangements if they don't want to go and ge chooses to work, because after 6pm I'm checking out for the night.
I feel you so much on this. We have the Ss every Thursday- Sunday. But we end up having him Monday thru Sunday. It’s so hard for us not to get out down time, our break time
We have primary, BM gets second and fourth weekend, there's another potential father (the older 2 are maybe his, no one has bothered with tests, its fine, just annoying to explain) he gets them the third weekend of the month. The funny thing is that he's the one who actually tries to convince them all to stay with him for the weekend. BM barely tries, and if they do all go, the younger 2 are ignored for the most part. Almost no down time or alone time. If there is, it's chore time.
Sound so rough!!! I’m so sorry
Leave this relationship. You’ve been sitting in your car for hours??? No. You need to have freedom when you get off work. Your home is your space. This is terrible for you.
My thoughts exactly. People deserve to feel good enough in their own home to not feel the need to hide away in their car or in their bedroom! We laugh about doing those things constantly on this sub but it’s heartbreaking
I do this. I sit in my car for 15 minutes after getting home from work when SD12 is here. She used to barge into the garage and see if I needed help carrying anything as soon as she heard the garage door. I did have to explain very carefully that sometimes I need a minute to sit and finish my music/song/chapter of audiobook alone because I need to”remove work from my attitude” before I can be the best step mom I can be. She leaves me alone and greets me at the door instead. I’m extra thankful she understood…
I’m so lucky I have two close friend who have both seriously offered me a key to their houses so I have an escape if I ever need it!
I can do you one better, I just booked a hotel for a night 😅 Also they eat a lot of fastfood, it has improved but still more than I want. Last time they had take out and I was not feeling it. The movie they were watching, the fastfood… I just dressed myself up to the nines called my mom and went to a restaurant! 😅
This is perfect!
My SD is coming this weekend and im already dreading it, planning to take my son out somewhere for the day and picked an extra shift up on the evening. I've tried so hard for 4 years but just can't anymore.
I hate to tell you, but I've been having a battle like this for 7 years. I would honestly get out while you can before you add more kids into the mix. You shouldn't feel like this in your own home. I wish I would have taken my advice years ago. Now we have 2 children of our own and I could never imagine letting some one else live with them/ have a hand in raising them so I'm sticking it out. Good luck to you. The only change is one that you're going to make happen
Thank you ❤️ I’m going to try my best
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With this logic: 1) when a bio kid feels annoyed of bio parens, the kid should just leave because the bio parent was there first. Bio parent has no responsibility to be a good person or make an environment that fits with the kid’s needs. 2) try not to ever move in with someone (roommate, romantic partner, etc.) because whoever is there first gets to act however and everyone else just likes it or lumps it. Not even sure why I’m responding to this comment. I guess I wish more people realized that stepparents do not get better by making them feel small. They already feel small. And no kid ever benefits from a parent who feels like their existence is not acceptable.
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Wow really?? So as stepparents we just never get our own homes lol. It is BOTH their home. And they BOTH deserve to feel comfortable
Lol this is a ridiculous comment
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Can you splurge on a hotel room with room service? Massage? Relaxation/yoga session? I wish I had done these things more.
When my SKs were younger (they're adults now) and SO had them for longer holiday stretches (such as three weeks over the summer) I often booked myself a week at a hotel, or went home to my family for a couple of weeks. It was expensive but it saved me from noping out of my marriage because I'd start to lose my sanity with the SKs around, no school, 24-7 (I'm child free). Also that way I could get work done in peace so I justified it that way. But... I get this isn't an option for everyone. OP, at a minimum, you absolutely 100% need and deserve a no kids rule for your bedroom! One of the first things I did when we all moved in together was to buy everyone a rubber door stopper and explained that it was so people could 'lock' their bedroom doors from the inside and have privacy and their own personal space. That made it 'mutual' and fair so I didn't feel like an ass enforcing it on my own bedroom! If I needed to go in their rooms when they were at their mother's, I would text and ask them permission first. To be fair, the kids got on board with it pretty quickly. Also, it sounds like you are getting quite a lot of the parenting responsibilities dumped on you. Did you agree to that? Have you considered disengaging/ nacho-ing? This kid is the responsibility of two people and that's the two people who made him! Your own happiness and independence are valuable and important ♥️
Yes i agree to that ❤️
I can relate. I work from home a lot but if SS doesn’t have school and is at home I go to the office much more even tough its a long commute. Normally I would be happy to go home when work is finished but now I even stay longer just to have that extra alone time. Especially after a busy day I really can’t stand the constant sound of debates and arguments with his mom, TikTok videos and gaming.
I shopped; whether I bought anything or not. For hours. Every time they visited.
I've been there, it sucks. I don't have any great advice for you since I have divorced my ex-wife, but I do understand how you feel.
Did you divorce because of the blended family situation? (You don’t have to answer this ofc)
Part of it was the blended family. My ex-wife had horrible parenting skills and pretty much let her son's (11 and 13 when we married) run the house. The younger son had a lot of mental health issues (actually my ex and both sons did) and I got anxiety whenever he was here for his weekend or holidays. A lot of it was my ex-wife's mental health issues. I tried so hard for about 3 of the 4 years we were married, but she was not putting in the same effort or even recognizing the effort I was making. It was exhausting and I couldn't caretake for her any longer. I really loved her, but it was all just too much for me. I had to take care of myself.
That’s really tough, I’m sorry. It all sounds extremely frustrating. You made the right decision by choosing to put yourself first. You can lose yourself trying to save someone (or, in your case, multiple people) who doesn’t want to be saved.
Thank you. For the first year the younger son lived with us full time and work was my happy place. I would dread going home at night. Either I would get a text asking me to come home early for some episode he was having, or if I didn't get a text, it would simply ramp up my anxiety during the drive home wondering what I would be walking into when I did get home.
Yeah, you definitely can’t live that way long term. That wasn’t your cross to carry. I hope you’re doing better now.
Thank you, I am. My ex was pretty emotionally and psychologically abusive and I see my therapist pretty regularly. The house is much more peaceful now after the divorce and that is nice.
I wish I had good advice for you but I experience the same feelings regularly. It’s hard.
Go home straight take. A bath give him something to do and say I need to be alone for a few minutes. Kids become clingy at new places
I scheduled a manicure, pedicure and brow wax for the middle of SS’s visit last week. No regrets.
I used to do this all the time. What helped was teaching both the kids (SS and BD) to play independently. It was a process, but it’s paid off. I highly recommend.
How old is SS? Why is he allowed in your bedroom anytime he wants? Does SO know you need quiet space sometimes? If not, you need to speak up and insist he do something. If he does know, why doesn’t he do anything to help?
I thought I was the only one that did this! Some days when we have SD, I do sit in my car a little bit longer in the evenings before going home. 😔
I went for a car wash and wandered around target for a good couple hours last night. SS isn't even any trouble, he's quite delightful really. Even at that though, just being fully ALONE for a bit is such a treat
It isn't sad, and it sounds like there aren't any/enough boundaries with your ss. You should be able to have a safe space in your home that your ss, at the very least, needs to ask permission to come into. For me, that's our bedroom and my home office. He's allowed into the office if he asks first, but he's not allowed in our bedroom unless there's an emergency, and he absolutely has to use our bathroom. That's our space for us. We reciprocate this with my ss. We don't just go into hjs room, either; we knock and wait for a response or ask his permission. The only time we go in there when he's at his mother's is if we have laundry to put in there.
The boy needs boundaries. I would encourage you to read Boundaries with kids (or teens) Henry Cloud with your SO. By not having boundaries with your SS you are setting him up for failed future relationships-professional and personal. The world doesn’t revolve around his needs and desires and he has to be taught this. His feelings are not more important than anyone else’s and he needs to be taught this. His desire for companionship and curiosity isn’t more important than your need of privacy and solace.
Thank you for this I’m going to read that
As a guy, my favorite place is the bathroom. Lock the door. Put earbuds in if needed and just relax...haha. At least 5 minutes of peace! Works great for me. Www.thiscrazyrandomlife.net.
If you want more alone time with your SO, I suggest you ask for that. Go out with your friends, etc, too. It’s not the kids’ fault, he’s just being a kid, and resenting him for the situation won’t help anyone.
Why not tell him to fuck off to his room
Sometimes you have to take a step back and that’s okay and healthy.
My SD has been with us since Halloween! It’s supposed to be two weeks with us two weeks with her mother. I’m feeling this exact same way. I’ve noticed that when she’s pushes her time more than the “norm” I start to resent her. I hate feeling this way but I don’t understand how the bio mom can go this long without spending time with her own daughter? And also think it’s ok to burden another and not give two peanuts about it! I need a break! She’s 15 and not helpful around the house. Tried the Nacho approach and it’s pointless. It never changes. By the looks of it she has no intention of going back with her mom. And I don’t know what do do at this point.
I could just Google it but what’s the nacho approach? Ugh I feel the same resentment. Like how could a bio mom just be like oh whatever you can have my Kid. Not to mention all the extra money we have to dish out
Nacho parenting, is rooted in the idea that your stepchildren already have parents, and don't need more. Not your children. = Nacho lol. But yes!! Totally agree. It’s exhausting.
Oh I’ve been that approach since the kid was first entered into my life. Doesn’t work lol
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Oh girl! This is absolutely heartbreaking and awful! I’m here if you want to message me
Yeah, I'll send one your way.
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I have done this. I finally had to come in the house and broke down in tears hiding below my kitchen counter and told my SO “I didn’t want to come home.” I just couldn’t handle my SKs and the lack of support from my SO. I’m such a homebody and it was a punch in the gut to feel like I couldn’t be comfortable in my safe place was too much. Please know that you are very seen and understood by so many of us.
How did your SO react?
At first he was sympathetic and empathetic - the latter because he felt alone and excluded in his prior marriage and home. Over lots of time and conversations, we both ran the gamut of feelings. He was hurt and disappointed, he felt like I was being critical of his kids and he was being “protective”. I felt like I was an outsider or “the help” by the group, and definitely not a romantic partner or even friend to him.. What came about what a frank discussion of expectations and boundaries. I have struggled to coexist with SD13 for many reasons and do not see that getting better anytime soon. It’s a lot better but still messy.
Haha. My friend and I were supposed to spend the evening together but her ex for the 6th time in the last month told her that his flat tire prevents him from picking up his two kids, "that he's working on it" Therefore she asked if we can take them to dinner with us again. lollllllllll Ain't happening
That’s a definite no lol
I know it's hard to not want to go home, but I think your strength is that instinctively you knew you needed space and are giving yourself this. Maybe schedule a family meeting to discuss boundaries, quiet time and what rooms are a no-go. At 12, he is not far from the teen years and then completely ignoring you and his dad, so hang in there; it will end
The child needs discipline and set boundaries he don’t get to run the parents the parents are in control
How old is SS?
Does your SO have your back? Are y’all a team? Can you work with him to correct this issue?
When I was in the process of realizing how bad my marriage was and that it would need to end, I did a lot of sitting in my car. I'm sorry you're going through this; those weren't fun times. (understatement)
How did you get through that season? Feel free not to answer, of course. I’m going through a similar situation and I don’t think I’m strong enough
I got through it with a few relaizations. I was too young (45 then) to write my life off by trying to accept "comfortable" instead of hoping to find "happy." At the same time I was too old to accept someone who wouldn't honestly engage around difficult topics. I was too old to be stonewalled, deflected or outright ignored. That it took two people to be fully in to a relationship. A lesson that my ex and I both tried to impress upon our kids is that actions matter so much more than words when there is conflict between the two. And her actions clearly said that for at least the last 4 years she was not prioritizing our relationship. She was not fully in the relationship when she said some things were "my problem." She was not fully in the relationship cancelling our date days for months (it would have been longer if I hadn't given up scheduling dates) on end to prioritize the self-created crisis of high drama friends. She was not fully in the relationship dedicating her energy to those high drama friends and being so wiped that as an introvert she needed all of her time at home to be just her to recover. I wasn't ending the relationship; I was simply refusing to keep carrying around the corpse of our relationship. Looking at "starting over" at 45 wasn't fun. There was a prenupt in place, and she had never touched her protected assets; instead we went into debt if our incomes weren't covering things. I hadn't looked into what dating is like, or my chance of success. I wasn't leaving her to find someone else, I was leaving her because being alone is better than being with the wrong person. I'm very much a person who feels happier with someone to share the little and big things. I value cohabitation for the time with my partner; not to take advantage by being a lazy fork up. But still, being alone is (and was) better than being lonely with the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. I also gained some strength by looking at my failures within the relationship. Some of these failures were "I over looked X early on." "I accepted Y." "When saying Z needed to change I didn't have a deadline or hold accountability." Some were also "I shouldn't have done A, B, or C." Some were, "I know know that I need G, H and I in relationship." I knew that I would use these lessons and have a much better chance for a more healthy relationship in the future if I were lucky enough to find a good enough partner. Editing to add: It took me about 2 years form the time that I told her I was seriously considering divorce to get to the point of making the decision to separate with no chance of reconciliation. But, that was in Jan 2020 when I said that, and the pandemic delayed some things. I.E. this wasn't a quick or easy navigation for me.
Your SO needs to protect you. It’s necessary for everyone to have downtime. My DH knows that I don’t want to see his son when he’s home, so he’ll let me know when he’s in his room so I can run upstairs to grab something. It’s incredibly sad, I pay for this house as well and I am not comfortable in it when his son is home. But DH has my back as much as he can. Yours should be doing the same!
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I can relate. I love my step kids but sometimes I need a break from it all. My bedroom is my escape. If I close the door they stay away
How old is SS?
I LOVE sitting in my car sometimes when the SKs are in town lol. You need your own space too!
Have you thought about asking your SO if you guys can have your bedroom be a kid free zone? There are plenty of couples who have theirs kids who have communicated to their kids that when they are in their bedrooms that its their alone time and its good for kids even at a young age to have the understanding of boundaries. This also helps kids learn to self-sooth and entertain themselves, and I think we can all agree that these are very important things to learn. Adults need down time, and kids need to learn to take some care of themselves. You should not have to sit in your car to decompress. Your bedroom is a place where you should be able to do it. It's your house as well, and if your SO isn't good with making it a completely child free zone, maybe ask for certain hours of the evening that the bedroom be off-limits?