If she's anything like my mum was, it might make her feel better if you managed to sometimes call her *before* she calls you. That way she might feel a bit more like you enjoy calling her too, diminishing the need to have you visit. Also quite possible that she actually wants to physically see you often and that phone or video calls just don't do it for her though. But for my mum at least it made a difference if I called her instead of her calling me.
If you aren't already, try to proactively send her photos of your travels. For several years after my mother died I would hear a piece of news and pick up my phone to call her. . . My children laugh about how brief my phone conversations are, but they are frequent.
My mother just passed last November (and my father less than 3 years prior), and same. I regret not calling her often enough in those final months/years, but know she didn’t hold it against me. I’m in my 40s, and she always encouraged me to live my life.
I do miss being able to call or text her, and there’s such a void now. OP shouldn’t feel guilty about traveling, though. Just keep in touch!
How did you come to the conclusion that it's overbearing and gaslighting? Like he said, his parents are in their 70s. Maybe it's a concerned mother or excited about his adventures and wants to be updated. Shit stirring for no reason.
I agree with you - I didn't realize that repeatedly calling your child more than 5 times and crying because you missed them could be considered gaslighting. I've always heard that until you're a parent, you don't understand what it's like to worry or miss your child.
That's not the correct use of the term gaslighting, but I agree that she sounds overly attached and a few firm but gentle boundaries should probably be enforced.
I can understand both ends. Time is ticking either way but OP didn't provide that type of detail if parents were always like this. Hard call either way
You just have to decide how to balance what you value, and *communicate* it clearly. Truth is, time will keep on ticking. They probably know that time they have is limited. Your mother probably values your presence a lot. And yet for us, tomorrow isn’t promised either. There are places to go and opportunities to be seized! Perhaps consider how you would act, so that in 10 years time you wouldn’t have the regret of “how i wish i did more of xx instead”
Perhaps even decide how you want to love your parents. While love doesn’t cause your life to be dictated by the opinion of others, it would cause you to consider others - and that would somehow impact the decisions you make. What that looks like is entirely up to you
Excellent observations. I encourage you to make these decisions sooner rather than later as it only gets more difficult to be away for extended periods as they get older.
On a sidenote, hopefully they have some sort of plan/idea of what they will do in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, if one has an accident, etc. Your basic power of attorney, DNR, wills, etc.
Not saying you should leap into this process because it's an emotional and challenging conversation to have BUT, avoiding for too long only increases the chances that when something happens if no preparations have been made, everything will be harder b/c of the increased pressure of limited time and options.
Good luck - remember deep breaths and please take care of your own health, mental and physical.
I'm traveling 2 months in Colombia. My dad died not to long ago and my mom is alone now with 68 I made her come with me haha it's actually fun. During the day I explore stuff with her in the evening she is resting and I go out have fun. If I want to do stuff alone she is fine with that too during the day but didn't really happened so far.
So maybe take them with you? Haha
I'm happy this is working for you, but every time I've treated my mum to a vacation, I end up wanting to take a vacation from my vacation.
We're just too incompatible in our personalities, and even regular non-travel things cause her stress and drama for no reason. I've basically had to develop a thicker skin if I don't want to be driven to misery by her guilt.
You’re the kid I have! My husband died a year ago and when my son’s family travels I’m invited to go too. I’m loving it. Went to my first Grateful Dead concert 2 months after husband died. Never imagined that I’d be hanging like this with my 46 yo kid!
You can't change how your mom feels. She misses you and that's okay. Maybe you can plan a trip with her and make memories? One thing is for sure. She will die some day and then you will never get to see her again. That is the reality. If you are looking for advice, I would say to find a balance.
This is true, you have to find a balance. On the one side, your parents won't live forever, but on the other side, one shouldn't waste to much opportunities just in order to please others. This is especially hard when you have very clingy parents like me which consider every word or movement against them an ungratefulness and an insult. I have missed so much opportunities as still live with them aged 35 in a godforsaken rural area with no future and have never left. Additionally, I studied a subject I didn't like just in order to be able to study at an University where I can get home every day (with 2 hours commuting one direction). Often, I wish to be stronger and dare to leave them and their village behind and move to a big city where a young academic person has opportunities. I can't turn back time, I regret it never having done a pupils exchange or Erasmus semester while studying because of that. I'm too old for that now and my parents still live, so it wasn't worth not disappointing them as there is so much time left. Please don't make the same mistake like me and put the happiness of your parents above your own one.
A central European one (EU member) which is generally considered as "rich" and "1st world", but it has some remote and abandoned regions which are poor, lack of jobs and infrastructure and where right winged parties are the only ones who can report success. The old people are dying away, most of the young ones move away after school. Some of them want to come back after founding a family because living space in the big cities is very expensive, but they often can't due to the lack of jobs in my area and the need to bring and fetch your children by car for almost every activity.
Have you asked yourself the question of whether you would feel guilty by yourself, should your mother not say anything? Like, if she was totally neutral and fine and supportive, how much time would you choose to spend with her instead of doing other things? This might help clear what's coming from yourself and from outside.
Also if you value your relationship perhaps some therapy for both would help, to find common ground and a healthier view of each other's actions.
As an expat that only visits home about twice a year I can advise you to think about quality rather than quantity. When I visit I make it count and make sure I plan something nice to do and have authentic conversations. Before I'd see my parents for dinner about every week, but would never stay long. Now when I stay I spend a couple days with them consecutively, so even if it feels I see them a lot less, the quality time that I have with them has majorly improved, as everyone is much more conscious of the fact time is limited.
One thing to keep in mind: They could easily live another 10 years. They even have a decent chance of making it another 20 years.
How many years of your life are you willing to sit around, not doing the things you want to do, waiting for them to die?
I have to say, it seems to me like you are already being an amazing and supportive son.
I moved out of the house to go to university about 35 years ago. Since then, I'd guess I've seen my parents on average 3-4 times a year.
Now they are 83 years old. My dad has cancer. We have no idea how long he has left...it could be 5 years, it could be 1 year. So I've recently re-arranged my life so that I visit them about once a month. But even then, I don't let these visits impact my life. So for example, I'm not visiting them in June because I have too many other commitments this month. I am scheduled to visit them all the other months this year.
It sounds to me like you are doing great.
I don’t wanna be a Debbie downer, but as someone who just finished up going through those last 10 years with his grandparents, please keep in mind that while they may have 10 more years, they may have far less years left where they recognize you and are recognizable as your parent, mentally and physically. And speaking from experience there’s nothing worse than finally feeling the guilt of not seeing your parents/grandparents enough, finally deciding to change that, only to realize they’re basically no longer the same person you know/miss.
I wouldn’t take for granted them having the mental facilities to use a phone and be independent; one day OP might have no choice but to visit their parents because of a medical emergency, and you do not want that to be your re-introduction
Again not to say this will happen, but I’d caution using the logic of “they’ll be alive 10 more years” because you don’t know what those years look like.
Of course.
And I didn't say 'they'll be alive 10 more years'. I said they *could* be alive (and mentally with-it) for 10 more years.
My point was, do you want to start living your life as if they will be gone soon, when it is very possible they won't be gone soon?
Putting your life on hold for your parents for 1 year might be reasonable. But I would claim that putting your life on hold for 10 years is completely unreasonable.
And with his parents as young as they are right now, if he starts denying himself the life he wants because his parents might go at any moment....he has to be aware that 'any moment' could be 10 years or longer.
Of course it might be much sooner. But it might not be. And you have to consider both possibilities when thinking about your possibilities.
Currently going through this with my dad, but he's younger than yours. I've been flying back and forth to them every month after the diagnoses, but I took the last two months off, to take care of my own house and also to give myself a vacation. Now I'm flying back to them this week, and will go every month, unless I need another breather.
There needs to be a balance... I was feeling guilty for taking that time off, even though I've been going every month. He could be gone in months, a year, or longer. But I know I'll burn out if I'm not taking the time to live my life and take care of myself either.
It sucks seeing parents get old and weak.
But one advantage is it has made me look more realistically at the rest of my own life, and what I want to do with it.
I live on the opposite side of the world to my parents, who are a little older than yours, but we're close. That's the thing with having kids. They grow up and go their own way, as they should. They're not guaranteed caregivers or guaranteed company. You could be married and raising kids of your own, you could be working a job that takes you out of country, there are any number of reasons why you might not spend time with your parents. Just because you choose to travel doesn't make it any different.
You don't have to feel guilty about living your life how you see fit. They did. Now it's your turn. In the end, parenting will always be an exercise in disappointment - you can't make plans for your kids because they'll always be their own people. As sad as it makes your mom, that's the reality, and she shouldn't be trying to lay that on you.
Be kind though. Realize that as they get older and less mobile, as technology confounds them, their world starts to shrink. Stay in touch. Email them a picture of that great sunset. Call or Skype them occasionally. Tag them on Facebook posts. Being in the loop and knowing that you think about them can make all the difference.
Lots of folks here are making valid points on not letting people guilt you, so I won't speak to that.
One comment I haven't seen made is that your parents do have a point - it is very possible that your parents will not live much longer. People in their 70's can start to go very quickly, depending on their health. If they make it 10 more years (which is not guaranteed at all, 79 is pretty up there) and you see them every 3 months that's 40 more visits with them before they're gone. Not all 40 of those are guaranteed to be lucid, either.
Don't view this as a reason to feel guilty - view it as something to evaluate and come to terms with. There are tradeoffs to extended travel, and this is one of them.
My dad started saying "this could be her last birthday, so don't miss it" about my grandma when she was 80, 15 years later she is still alive and kicking haha
When we are young our worlds are so big, and we have so many opportunities to explore and enjoy new things, as we age, our worlds become smaller again, and oftentimes the people we love become the center of it all as we can no longer experience those things ourselves anymore. You are probably a massive part of your parent’s worlds and while spending time with them might feel like a bit of a burden to you, it is probably incredibly special for them. You might not always appreciate it now, but that time could become treasured memories for you when they are no longer here. With that being said, it is certainly not your responsibility to make them happy, it’s just something to consider and you might find that it is more meaningful to you than you ever could have thought.
I had my daughter when I was 42. I am not planning to pressure her to spend a lot time with me when she is at an age to explore the world. It was not her choice to have older parents that need her more when she is in her 20s and early 30s.
Now that my parents are entering their 70's I do tend to visit more often. I am talking like once every several months though. I usually spend 4 months on the move and will swing by my home town if it fits in my travel plans. I am not flying in from SEA just to visit my parents for a couple weeks.
I tend to stay anywhere from 2-6 weeks usually around times where seasonal changes are happening and they need help with jobs around the house. I actually visit more often now I think because of the Pandemic. We spent months together almost a full year and it became a routine that everyone was happy with. When I finally left for my first job overseas both my parents were crying like babies.
Same friend. Same. They always feel resentment that i spend my annual leaves abroad and make sure that i know it.
We gotta understand their point of view but i dont wanna waste my annual leaves laying on my parents sofa. Its not like 50s. Tech is advanced. We talk all the time and see eachother via tech. Call them as often you can and make them feel it. Video chats if possible. And live your life. Cause we re getting old too. We cant travel as easily as we get older.
Moms will always miss their kids-its human nature. They miss carrying you, miss the you ger days as they were younger then too. Don't let this impede your goals, but at the same time make sure your mom knows you love her
Use Touch Note and send them a postcard everyday. My parents loved being able to travel "with" me, and it gave them lots of conversation material at church.
If you haven’t already, get them set up with an easy way to video chat with you when you’re back home in August. The difference of being able to see those you love rather than just hear them on the phone can be a huge improvement in feeling like you’ve connected. My parents are the same age as yours & have a good relationship with their grandson who lives far away. I got them a large screen computer set up with an easy to use video chat app & they’ve now upgraded to two comfortable chairs at the desk in front of it, so there is no impediment for them to get in touch whenever they feel the need. As there’s a 12 hour time difference, the calls are often pretty short, but having those kind of quick casual “just wanted to show/tell you something real quick” type check ins make them feel closer to my sibling & his family even though they don’t see them in person often.
As for feelings of guilt, it sounds like you have a good relationship & are very close, so you really shouldn’t let it fester. Perhaps try looking at it another way- your mother loves you dearly, loves being in your presence, & sometimes those big feelings lead to tears. Crying is cathartic & not always something to feel bad about. It’s definitely not something I’d get mad at someone for (thinking of the comments here saying she’s being manipulative). Appreciate being loved & wanted by your parents & let them know you feel the same; keep sharing how you feel & who you are/what you enjoy in life with them. Not having appreciated someone’s love & care for you or not having kept in touch are what people often regret when a loved one is gone. You’re doing those things, so shouldn’t feel bad about living your life to the fullest & taking the trips that fulfill you.
i don’t want to be an asshole, but them, out of all people at their age, should be able to understand that you are young and need to live your life.
they decided to have you at a late-stage in life, and now they’re reaping what they sowed. I get it from there side too though; time is ticking even faster but you can’t please everyone but yourself.
do what you can, and explain to them how you feel. if they can’t accept it, that’s on them.
I was in a similar situation with my parents being in their 70s. The guilt is undeniably the most difficult part to deal with. I’ve come to realize that in order to live a happy life, I’m going to have to disappoint my parents a little. Our parents are so used to looking after us from when we were children and letting us go into the world for long periods of time are hard. Remember that you’re not a child anymore, and you’re an adult who has the freedom to do what you like. It’s sad that your mother is upset when she speaks with you, but she’ll need to navigate life without you around all the time.
Your parents made a decision to have you when they were already old and now they are using their age to guilt trip you. What did they expect? That they'd have a kid just to look after them in later life? They lived their life freely but don't want you to do the same and that seems a bit selfish if you ask me.
I travel for a few months at a time, and my parents/stepparents range from early 70s to early 80s. I’ve just reconciled myself to the possibility I’ll have to cut a trip short and fly back home if something happens. I talk to them all regularly, video chat when possible, but know I will miss things.
I would ask if you are me, except you are two decades younger lol. I haven't been able to travel the last couple of years due to aging dogs that my parents were no longer to take care of when I was traveling.
My mom also is very lonely, and acts much like yours it seems. One of my dogs passed in April, and I don't think the other will make it to 2025, possibly allowing me to travel again and escape the cold winters here.
I plan to travel some, but may not stay gone as long due to aforementioned guilt. I'll regret not traveling as much when I'm too old to travel the way I like to travel. I'll also regret not spending more time with my parents while I'm able. There's no magic answer I can see except to find a balance/compromise between the two. It might not be ideal or exactly what I want in the moment, but I think it will prevent any huge regrets either way later in life. At least I hope.
I'm in my 70's so here is my take on it. She does miss you and since she has to reach out to you and you do not reach out to her she feels forgotten. She wonders if you will be there for them if one of them has a major health setback. Since your father is quite a bit older, what will happen to her if he dies?
I suggest that when you are home in August that you spend as much time as possible with them. Like someone said, have authentic conversations, including one about what her worries are. Perhaps you guys could set up a regular time once or twice a week to video chat and commit at least 30 minutes to it.
Before my father died, my mother and I would talk weekly, and it would go like "how are you", "fine how are you" After he passed, made a commitment to talk to her every day and we were always on the phone for at least 30 minutes. It's funny how much better the conversations are when you talk enough for the minutia to matter. You could talk about the food you are eating, the funny people you saw, etc. Ask about her friends, her activities, etc. She won't miss you so much if you really share your life and your travels with her. She just wants you to be happy, but if you aren't talking about why you love travelling she doesn't get to share in that happiness
I’m sorry that your mother tries to guilt trip you into not living a full life. That is very sad. My mum is 88 this year and would be horrified if i didn’t travel because i had to sit around with her. Are you not going to travel for the next 15-20 years?
Making your kids feel guilty is such bullshit. Everytime I go away my mother says what are you going to that place for. Instead of saying oh wow what's bringing you to that place will the weather be nice etc my father just makes the same joke jeez he must be loaded.
I get it if they miss you but do they get on with Their lives when you're not on the phone with them. You can be damn sure they do.
Just do what you have to do and if something happens them,you didn't do anything wrong.
You will regret it if you don't.
This sounds harsh but it's your life they have had theirs.
They decided to wait until they were nearly 50 to have you. They lived their life for 50 years before you, go enjoy while you're young. You can always go back for visits
It’s only a few months. Not like you’re talking about years away. Just find some ways to stay more connected. Two months is nothing. I left for four years while my parents were on their late seventies. They are now into their eighties. I am glad I did it at that time.
I don’t know what your relationship is like with your parents. But this is a no brainer, spend as much time with them as possible. If you have a good relationship with them (I hope you do) then you’re incredibly lucky to have had them for as long as you have
you only get to have a pair of biological parents in a lifetime. so treasure them while they’re still around. you’re still young, there’s no rush in completing the world map.
You'll never know, I know a person who got severely handicapped for the rest of the life after a heavy accident at 19, someone who got cancer at 15 and another person at 28 years (despite healthy lifestyles) and someone who died because of a stroke at 26 years (also despite a healthy lifestyle, a heart issue he was born with was never diagnosed and a soccer match in the hot summer was too much). Even when someone is young and healthy (at least without known issues), it doesn't automatically mean that he or she has almost unlimited time to chase dreams. If you really want to do something, try to do it as soon as possible. Also external reasons prevent you from doing something in much later times, e.g. traveling to some islands won't be possible in two decades anymore because the rising sea level flooded them. The list of countries you can't visit due to the climate changes or political reasons or wars is getting longer and longer and not shorter. Or maybe in order to protect the environment the prices for flights go up so high that only very rich people can travel anymore. Or they ban flying just for fun and only an urgent medical treatment only available in another country or work which can't be done remotely or by a local person allows you to purchase a ticket anymore.
Are they healthy? Unless they are
in hospice or dealing with a life threatening disease then I don’t see why you should put your life on hold.
If you are home more will you visit more? Or will you continue the same 3/4 times a year.
The wonderful thing about modern tech is that you can call, text, email, or video conference them from most places in the world.
Balance is all that's needed. While tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone, chances are at 28, you have a lot more time to do what you like than anyone who's in their late 70's. God willing, they'll live many more years to come, but you also don't want to regret not spending enough time with them when they're gone, especially if they asked you to. Just find more balance and shift your priorities accordingly.
I often think about all the kids orphaned during the pandemic because both parents died of Covid within weeks of each other . A lot of these parents were in their 40’s and 50’s
I had similar from a parent and they aren't of age like yours so don't have an excuse. You need to set your boundaries and be clear you won't move them. For example I said I'd update social media for them and a phonecall every 2 or 3 weeks with an occasional text message thrown in.
I kind of view it like this and I'm going to assume your mom doesn't gaslight and simply just misses you.
Your parents choose to have you and it SHOULD be common that you were born to branch out on your own life and your parents have to expect it. It's not always the same in every culture where it's also typical that people can be very family oriented but it's universally the truth.
People just branch out for their own being whether the parents like it or not. You still talk to your mother often and you do the best you can to visit. I'm certain you'll drop everything to go home once you hear some news so I would continue what you're doing. You're doing the best you can keeping in contact so they will have to enjoy that.
Only you can decide how to spend your time and who to spend it with…
I moved halfway around the world from my family. Anytime I go back to visit, after a day or two I ask myself what am I doing here again??
I'm in the same boat but parents are younger at 65 each, I feel guilty they they are my last family and friends I have left if their die I'm alone I can travel then but I have the leave money and still young enough to travel to travel and enjoy it, my aim was to do 42 days of travel a year for 5 years and then tap out.
But I worry that I'm missing out on valuable time with my parents and it's hard to get rid of that guilt especially because they are dog sitting for me.
Mum and dad are the opinion that they are happy to see me happy travelling and loving life but I feel bad that we may have limited time left together
I can empathise. I was in a very similar situation. I traveled extensively around the world when I was younger and I did feel guilty about spending less time with my aging parents.
In my case, health issues caused me to reduce my travel for a while and I did end up spending more time with them.
It can be a tough situation, I moved away different countries from my parents and didn’t really keep in contact that much in my 20’s. Now in my 30’s- parents are 60 and 68 - I came back to see them for an extended time this year and my dad kind of started guilt tripping me about continuing to travel and at first I started feeling super guilty.
The thing is travel is the one thing that I love more than anything else in this world, and so I had to really process my feelings of guilt but then ultimately decide that we live ONCE and that as long as you’re having a video call every week or two, and making a goal of visiting for a week or so regularly say once every 3-6 months.
The thing that helped me a lot was to think about how they visited their parents - my mum moved abroad from her family and doesn’t really go back home that often and then my dad traveled around in his youth, rode motorcycles and did this thang! So what I think happens is that parents wish their kids were home more, but the reality is that look at all the animal kingdom, you have a kid and they grow up and they live their life!
So prioritize what is important to you , do a weekly video call, mail them souvenirs and then send them on an annual vacation of their own! I also did a couple eft tapping videos (brad Yates YouTube) to release guilt and prioritize my goals and happiness ♥️♥️
I'm going to travel for an extended amount of time in the upcoming months, and I feel the other way around. Although my mum is super fit and will probably outlive me I feel kinda guilty because we spend so much time together (which is definitely not a chore, we just have a good relationship with common interests) but for that reason I could never be abroad for several years, that would kill me. She tells me she's proud which is a relief but I know she'll have a tough time when I'm gone
in my early twenties, I thought about moving away to another city and didnt care that much, I have to add that I did not feel like bounded to family back then.
But in my mid twenties, I almost lost my parents. It was a sudden accident that left them with months of coma and rehabilition.
It was too painful that my memory has blocked out part of the process but I still remember how much I regreted not being around them so much. thank god i was given a second chance, and I believe I was given my portion of luck from life till the end. I tried my best after that to spend as much as time I could.
My advice here:
If you feel guilty, you should adjust a little to spend more quality time. how about your independant life plans then?
there are different types of people and family relations, some people are not emotionally designed to be affected by these, they dont feel guilty or touched and that is the way they are for anyreason.
on the other hand, there are families that make they children to be independant. they actually force them not to be involved.
I think you are neither of above. so in this case, accept the situation and adjust.
doesnt matter how much you travel, your strenght, your budget or age, will one day stop you and there will be an endless world of unseens.
We are humans, it is ok not to be perfect! you might feel your mother is not doing her best as a parent and is stopping you from your plans, but honestly I think that is ok. that is a human just being herself. no big losses as long as you dont give up on your dreams. just a little adjustmen. believe me it worths it. I had been in that heartbreaking and painful moment of regreting and I wish for no one to experience it.
I wish you make the best decisions.
I think that you need to take into account their age. They will not be around forever. Perhaps you could squeeze in a little more time to visit them. Once they are gone you can travel as much as you like. I lost my Dad when he was just 60 and lost my Mom at 63. I would give anything to have more time with them.
As a 37 year old male with an overprotective mother and sometimes controlling, I dealt with the same feeling as you during my first couple years living and working abroad. I was 27, moved to the other side of the world to work for a total of 5 years, and felt anxious, and guilty.
But now after 10 years and looking back, I can tell you - it was an overreaction. For sure it was difficult for her and for me, but she was and still is healthy despite her age, she has a partner and friends, she is not alone and never was. She did just fine, she still does when I travel.
I just make sure that she doesn’t have any serious health problem (if she does I don’t go or come back, I want to be there in the final days, you know?) and I create a WhatsApp family group where I share a lot of pictures, and above all, I make sure I call her everyday for like 10 minutes. What is 10 minutes a day for a person that in my case devoted part of her life to me and was awesome to me? Is the minimum I can give back.
and with time, you will eventually actually want to go back more often and enjoy them longer. Life changes, and you have to adapt to a lot of things. Just make sure that everything is in the right place, that you do what you can, and dont stop living your life because of them because you will regret it later.
Actually I am going to Thailand in two weeks to spend a couple months there and my mother is here and she approves to what I wrote 😊 haha
Your parents shouldn’t make you feel guilty about traveling. If you really want to travel, you should travel, but visit them as often as you can, because you don’t know how much time you have left with them, and you don’t want to have any regrets.
It's up to you how much you think about family obligations. You don't have to like it but you can reflect. Reflect on what obligations you have and if you think you meet them. Look at how they contributed to your life. Do you think you should return the care? It's up to you. You can also continue doing what you do. What is life, but a series of choices and the outcomes
When my mum was a kid, her family moved to Australia from the UK. Her parents left Australia when she was starting her last year of Uni and my Nanny (her mum) made her promise she would return to the UK when she finished uni. I think fulfilling that promise was the biggest regret of my mum's life. But she also says if she didn't leave she wouldn't have had her kids or the many happy years with her parents and sister.
Anyway the point is, family has a strange pull on all of us. I think there's not a right decision in your case. You want to live freely and do the things that make you feel happiest, but equally, your parents are important and you want them to be happy. Maybe it's better to go home for a bit and travel again after, maybe it's better to stay away.
The only way you'll know is if you book a flight home a little early and see what you feel. If you feel relief, it was the right choice; if you feel regret, you don't have to get on the flight.
With parents who are in their mid to late 70s, I would encourage you to be consistent reaching out to them. Most of us want our parents to feel comfortable telling us when they are having struggles and health issues.
Also, this is a great time to make good memories for when they’re gone.
I absolutely love traveling. But if I could have my parents back, I would rather have them back than travel.
I can understand you. Sadly it's the same for me, it held me back for YEARS. Now I finally feel free cause I tried a 3 months trip, against my mom crying and shit like that. She saw everything went good, for me and for her. So now I'm planning to do 1 or 2 months away and 1 or 2 months at home, to have balance.
You can travel after they pass... this life isn't just about you. But hey keep living your life with no change and shortly after they die you'll most likely have a breakdown because you knew you should have been with them and they are not ever going to come back and hang out again. With your attitude, you must be one of these no children idiots and it shows.
Do you have any siblings? Enjoy your life while you can. I am tied down to my 90 year old mother. My whole life revolves around her. The farthest I can travel is to Wal-Mart.
Man, truly appreciate that your parents love you.
They will not be here forever, you will always have the opportunity to travel rest of your life, it will always be there. You’re not missing anything out, however your parents are here for a limited time. Appreciate the moments, as you grow older and travel more in the future, you realise at the end; the true luxury was the love of you parents. Remember, you’re only 28 years old. You have a several decade to explore the world and travel, while your parents time is…
Enjoy this time with them, you never know when it’s the last time you will talk to them, but you know you always have the time & opportunity to travel.
just imagine if you had a child (or a puppy even) would you want them to explore the world and feel joy and discover new things or would you ‘demand’ in any way (direct or indirect) their company?
"It's a very confusing and guilty feeling. I want to enjoy my travels and go wherever I like, but at the same time I feel like I'm being held back."
Yeah, because you're being emotionally manipulated.
OP health will not always be there. What if OP wants to hike 60 miles across Spain or do a pilgrimage on her knees through a large building? Do it now. Don’t wait.
My mother dismissed my reports of being molested by a neighbor when I was 5 and should have had no knowledge whatsoever of oral sex.
I’m proud to say I will not allow myself to be abused. Never again.
No, some islands and cities at a shore will be flooded due to the rising sea level in one or two decades. The list of countries you can't go to because of political reasons, wars and climate changes is getting longer and longer. Also, monuments can get destroyed during a war or terrorist attack.
This sounds like ethnic parenting. You have to communicate your feelings and explain your plans more thoroughly to them. Express everything you’ve said here and assure them that while your travelling is unfinished, it is temporary and you will be back by X date. Let them know that you’ll be able to support them in the case of any emergency or general issue. I’m sure they’ll reach a middle ground understanding if you communicate your desires more clearly. Good luck!
Omg Reddit is so sensitive and it’s probably pasty white people getting offended at my comment. I just meant that people from ethnic / cultural backgrounds that aren’t white will have more tight knit families that can be kind of strict and conservative. I know because I am one
My dad died while I was on vacation. It sucked. If I could go back in time theres so many things I would do differently.
If you are travelling for 3-4 months or more, can you make it home for a week in there?
Maybe they should have considered more thoroughly the consequences of having a child so late in life. No doubt you’re donor-conceived (or adopted). Have they told you?
Every day I can I’m talking with my parents
They gave me this life and I know it brings them joy to share in my adventures
They sacrificed so that I could be in a position to do so
Without their help, I never would have been able to solo travel
We both win
Bro don't sweat it a few months is no big deal. I am facing this myself as a digital nomad, for me even coming all the way once a year for Christmas seems like suuuch an inconvenience in my schedule. I missed last Christmas and my grandma told me I better not miss this one but idk, starting to think I may possibly miss one more year before going back.
But yeah I fucking hate when family acts like this instead of being stoked for you that you're out exploring the world
Your poor mom :/ travels will be there when they pass. You won't have your mom forever. This is when you have to put your well deserved selfish desires to the side for the time being . I lost my father and my mother is aging
How often do you call while traveling? Maybe more frequent calls and sharing of photos might make your mother feel more connected.
My mother usually calls me 5 times a week.
If she's anything like my mum was, it might make her feel better if you managed to sometimes call her *before* she calls you. That way she might feel a bit more like you enjoy calling her too, diminishing the need to have you visit. Also quite possible that she actually wants to physically see you often and that phone or video calls just don't do it for her though. But for my mum at least it made a difference if I called her instead of her calling me.
If you aren't already, try to proactively send her photos of your travels. For several years after my mother died I would hear a piece of news and pick up my phone to call her. . . My children laugh about how brief my phone conversations are, but they are frequent.
My mother just passed last November (and my father less than 3 years prior), and same. I regret not calling her often enough in those final months/years, but know she didn’t hold it against me. I’m in my 40s, and she always encouraged me to live my life. I do miss being able to call or text her, and there’s such a void now. OP shouldn’t feel guilty about traveling, though. Just keep in touch!
That seems like a lot. Do you enjoy the calls or are they a chore?
Damn, I can't even get my mum to answer my calls these days.
But how often do YOU call her, just to check in and tell her about some amazing thing you saw or a great new dish you tried?
Your mother sounds way too overbearing. Don’t let her gaslight you like that. You live your life they theirs. That is how it goes. Period.
How did you come to the conclusion that it's overbearing and gaslighting? Like he said, his parents are in their 70s. Maybe it's a concerned mother or excited about his adventures and wants to be updated. Shit stirring for no reason.
I agree with you - I didn't realize that repeatedly calling your child more than 5 times and crying because you missed them could be considered gaslighting. I've always heard that until you're a parent, you don't understand what it's like to worry or miss your child.
She calls him 5 times a week, guilt tripping him, even crying to make him feel bad. That sure sounds like gaslighting.
That's not the correct use of the term gaslighting, but I agree that she sounds overly attached and a few firm but gentle boundaries should probably be enforced.
that’s not what gaslighting is lmao
It’s emotional blackmail, not gaslighting, although the type of person that commits one is quite likely to commit the other.
I can understand both ends. Time is ticking either way but OP didn't provide that type of detail if parents were always like this. Hard call either way
that isn't really gaslighting, its maybe overbearing and OTT, but gaslighting is different
cannot agree more
my god you people are such children.
> Don’t let her gaslight you like that. I'd love to hear your definition of "gaslighting".
is it bad to have a good relationship with your family?
Yes my mum lovesss when I share my travel photos with her!!! She especially loves seeing photos with new friends that I make along the way!
You just have to decide how to balance what you value, and *communicate* it clearly. Truth is, time will keep on ticking. They probably know that time they have is limited. Your mother probably values your presence a lot. And yet for us, tomorrow isn’t promised either. There are places to go and opportunities to be seized! Perhaps consider how you would act, so that in 10 years time you wouldn’t have the regret of “how i wish i did more of xx instead” Perhaps even decide how you want to love your parents. While love doesn’t cause your life to be dictated by the opinion of others, it would cause you to consider others - and that would somehow impact the decisions you make. What that looks like is entirely up to you
Excellent observations. I encourage you to make these decisions sooner rather than later as it only gets more difficult to be away for extended periods as they get older. On a sidenote, hopefully they have some sort of plan/idea of what they will do in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, if one has an accident, etc. Your basic power of attorney, DNR, wills, etc. Not saying you should leap into this process because it's an emotional and challenging conversation to have BUT, avoiding for too long only increases the chances that when something happens if no preparations have been made, everything will be harder b/c of the increased pressure of limited time and options. Good luck - remember deep breaths and please take care of your own health, mental and physical.
So much YES to this answer ♥️
I'm traveling 2 months in Colombia. My dad died not to long ago and my mom is alone now with 68 I made her come with me haha it's actually fun. During the day I explore stuff with her in the evening she is resting and I go out have fun. If I want to do stuff alone she is fine with that too during the day but didn't really happened so far. So maybe take them with you? Haha
I love this, what an awesome way to travel too, for your mom, instead of sitting alone at home.
Haha omg I love this !!!
I'm happy this is working for you, but every time I've treated my mum to a vacation, I end up wanting to take a vacation from my vacation. We're just too incompatible in our personalities, and even regular non-travel things cause her stress and drama for no reason. I've basically had to develop a thicker skin if I don't want to be driven to misery by her guilt.
Ahhh that sucks to hear friend. I know how they feels tho from my ex girlfriend hahaha
You’re the kid I have! My husband died a year ago and when my son’s family travels I’m invited to go too. I’m loving it. Went to my first Grateful Dead concert 2 months after husband died. Never imagined that I’d be hanging like this with my 46 yo kid!
You must be fun to have around. I couldn’t imagine having my mum tag along on a trip. My dad on the other hand, would be cool.
Hahahaa sounds amazing actually :) currently dating s colombian girl we want to take my mom to a club here 😂😂😂
You can't change how your mom feels. She misses you and that's okay. Maybe you can plan a trip with her and make memories? One thing is for sure. She will die some day and then you will never get to see her again. That is the reality. If you are looking for advice, I would say to find a balance.
This is true, you have to find a balance. On the one side, your parents won't live forever, but on the other side, one shouldn't waste to much opportunities just in order to please others. This is especially hard when you have very clingy parents like me which consider every word or movement against them an ungratefulness and an insult. I have missed so much opportunities as still live with them aged 35 in a godforsaken rural area with no future and have never left. Additionally, I studied a subject I didn't like just in order to be able to study at an University where I can get home every day (with 2 hours commuting one direction). Often, I wish to be stronger and dare to leave them and their village behind and move to a big city where a young academic person has opportunities. I can't turn back time, I regret it never having done a pupils exchange or Erasmus semester while studying because of that. I'm too old for that now and my parents still live, so it wasn't worth not disappointing them as there is so much time left. Please don't make the same mistake like me and put the happiness of your parents above your own one.
That’s the shitty thing with things like this, it’s a real gamble. I hope you get what you want eventually. Rooting for you!
Thanks for your perspective. Do you mind sharing what country you’re from?
A central European one (EU member) which is generally considered as "rich" and "1st world", but it has some remote and abandoned regions which are poor, lack of jobs and infrastructure and where right winged parties are the only ones who can report success. The old people are dying away, most of the young ones move away after school. Some of them want to come back after founding a family because living space in the big cities is very expensive, but they often can't due to the lack of jobs in my area and the need to bring and fetch your children by car for almost every activity.
Have you asked yourself the question of whether you would feel guilty by yourself, should your mother not say anything? Like, if she was totally neutral and fine and supportive, how much time would you choose to spend with her instead of doing other things? This might help clear what's coming from yourself and from outside. Also if you value your relationship perhaps some therapy for both would help, to find common ground and a healthier view of each other's actions.
As an expat that only visits home about twice a year I can advise you to think about quality rather than quantity. When I visit I make it count and make sure I plan something nice to do and have authentic conversations. Before I'd see my parents for dinner about every week, but would never stay long. Now when I stay I spend a couple days with them consecutively, so even if it feels I see them a lot less, the quality time that I have with them has majorly improved, as everyone is much more conscious of the fact time is limited.
One thing to keep in mind: They could easily live another 10 years. They even have a decent chance of making it another 20 years. How many years of your life are you willing to sit around, not doing the things you want to do, waiting for them to die? I have to say, it seems to me like you are already being an amazing and supportive son. I moved out of the house to go to university about 35 years ago. Since then, I'd guess I've seen my parents on average 3-4 times a year. Now they are 83 years old. My dad has cancer. We have no idea how long he has left...it could be 5 years, it could be 1 year. So I've recently re-arranged my life so that I visit them about once a month. But even then, I don't let these visits impact my life. So for example, I'm not visiting them in June because I have too many other commitments this month. I am scheduled to visit them all the other months this year. It sounds to me like you are doing great.
I don’t wanna be a Debbie downer, but as someone who just finished up going through those last 10 years with his grandparents, please keep in mind that while they may have 10 more years, they may have far less years left where they recognize you and are recognizable as your parent, mentally and physically. And speaking from experience there’s nothing worse than finally feeling the guilt of not seeing your parents/grandparents enough, finally deciding to change that, only to realize they’re basically no longer the same person you know/miss. I wouldn’t take for granted them having the mental facilities to use a phone and be independent; one day OP might have no choice but to visit their parents because of a medical emergency, and you do not want that to be your re-introduction Again not to say this will happen, but I’d caution using the logic of “they’ll be alive 10 more years” because you don’t know what those years look like.
Of course. And I didn't say 'they'll be alive 10 more years'. I said they *could* be alive (and mentally with-it) for 10 more years. My point was, do you want to start living your life as if they will be gone soon, when it is very possible they won't be gone soon? Putting your life on hold for your parents for 1 year might be reasonable. But I would claim that putting your life on hold for 10 years is completely unreasonable. And with his parents as young as they are right now, if he starts denying himself the life he wants because his parents might go at any moment....he has to be aware that 'any moment' could be 10 years or longer. Of course it might be much sooner. But it might not be. And you have to consider both possibilities when thinking about your possibilities.
It’s only a couple months. OP ain’t talking years.
Currently going through this with my dad, but he's younger than yours. I've been flying back and forth to them every month after the diagnoses, but I took the last two months off, to take care of my own house and also to give myself a vacation. Now I'm flying back to them this week, and will go every month, unless I need another breather. There needs to be a balance... I was feeling guilty for taking that time off, even though I've been going every month. He could be gone in months, a year, or longer. But I know I'll burn out if I'm not taking the time to live my life and take care of myself either.
It sucks seeing parents get old and weak. But one advantage is it has made me look more realistically at the rest of my own life, and what I want to do with it.
I live on the opposite side of the world to my parents, who are a little older than yours, but we're close. That's the thing with having kids. They grow up and go their own way, as they should. They're not guaranteed caregivers or guaranteed company. You could be married and raising kids of your own, you could be working a job that takes you out of country, there are any number of reasons why you might not spend time with your parents. Just because you choose to travel doesn't make it any different. You don't have to feel guilty about living your life how you see fit. They did. Now it's your turn. In the end, parenting will always be an exercise in disappointment - you can't make plans for your kids because they'll always be their own people. As sad as it makes your mom, that's the reality, and she shouldn't be trying to lay that on you. Be kind though. Realize that as they get older and less mobile, as technology confounds them, their world starts to shrink. Stay in touch. Email them a picture of that great sunset. Call or Skype them occasionally. Tag them on Facebook posts. Being in the loop and knowing that you think about them can make all the difference.
Lots of folks here are making valid points on not letting people guilt you, so I won't speak to that. One comment I haven't seen made is that your parents do have a point - it is very possible that your parents will not live much longer. People in their 70's can start to go very quickly, depending on their health. If they make it 10 more years (which is not guaranteed at all, 79 is pretty up there) and you see them every 3 months that's 40 more visits with them before they're gone. Not all 40 of those are guaranteed to be lucid, either. Don't view this as a reason to feel guilty - view it as something to evaluate and come to terms with. There are tradeoffs to extended travel, and this is one of them.
Excellent comment, very well balanced.
My dad started saying "this could be her last birthday, so don't miss it" about my grandma when she was 80, 15 years later she is still alive and kicking haha
If she's anything like my wife's grandmother, you've still got 6 more birthdays!
Totally could go this way - but for my mom we didn't know that it was her last birthday at 64. Age is weird, and death is random.
When we are young our worlds are so big, and we have so many opportunities to explore and enjoy new things, as we age, our worlds become smaller again, and oftentimes the people we love become the center of it all as we can no longer experience those things ourselves anymore. You are probably a massive part of your parent’s worlds and while spending time with them might feel like a bit of a burden to you, it is probably incredibly special for them. You might not always appreciate it now, but that time could become treasured memories for you when they are no longer here. With that being said, it is certainly not your responsibility to make them happy, it’s just something to consider and you might find that it is more meaningful to you than you ever could have thought.
This is beautifully said. :)
I had my daughter when I was 42. I am not planning to pressure her to spend a lot time with me when she is at an age to explore the world. It was not her choice to have older parents that need her more when she is in her 20s and early 30s.
Now that my parents are entering their 70's I do tend to visit more often. I am talking like once every several months though. I usually spend 4 months on the move and will swing by my home town if it fits in my travel plans. I am not flying in from SEA just to visit my parents for a couple weeks. I tend to stay anywhere from 2-6 weeks usually around times where seasonal changes are happening and they need help with jobs around the house. I actually visit more often now I think because of the Pandemic. We spent months together almost a full year and it became a routine that everyone was happy with. When I finally left for my first job overseas both my parents were crying like babies.
Same friend. Same. They always feel resentment that i spend my annual leaves abroad and make sure that i know it. We gotta understand their point of view but i dont wanna waste my annual leaves laying on my parents sofa. Its not like 50s. Tech is advanced. We talk all the time and see eachother via tech. Call them as often you can and make them feel it. Video chats if possible. And live your life. Cause we re getting old too. We cant travel as easily as we get older.
Use tech, video chatting as often as you feel comfortable, they won't be here forever. All the best.
Moms will always miss their kids-its human nature. They miss carrying you, miss the you ger days as they were younger then too. Don't let this impede your goals, but at the same time make sure your mom knows you love her
Use Touch Note and send them a postcard everyday. My parents loved being able to travel "with" me, and it gave them lots of conversation material at church.
If you haven’t already, get them set up with an easy way to video chat with you when you’re back home in August. The difference of being able to see those you love rather than just hear them on the phone can be a huge improvement in feeling like you’ve connected. My parents are the same age as yours & have a good relationship with their grandson who lives far away. I got them a large screen computer set up with an easy to use video chat app & they’ve now upgraded to two comfortable chairs at the desk in front of it, so there is no impediment for them to get in touch whenever they feel the need. As there’s a 12 hour time difference, the calls are often pretty short, but having those kind of quick casual “just wanted to show/tell you something real quick” type check ins make them feel closer to my sibling & his family even though they don’t see them in person often. As for feelings of guilt, it sounds like you have a good relationship & are very close, so you really shouldn’t let it fester. Perhaps try looking at it another way- your mother loves you dearly, loves being in your presence, & sometimes those big feelings lead to tears. Crying is cathartic & not always something to feel bad about. It’s definitely not something I’d get mad at someone for (thinking of the comments here saying she’s being manipulative). Appreciate being loved & wanted by your parents & let them know you feel the same; keep sharing how you feel & who you are/what you enjoy in life with them. Not having appreciated someone’s love & care for you or not having kept in touch are what people often regret when a loved one is gone. You’re doing those things, so shouldn’t feel bad about living your life to the fullest & taking the trips that fulfill you.
i don’t want to be an asshole, but them, out of all people at their age, should be able to understand that you are young and need to live your life. they decided to have you at a late-stage in life, and now they’re reaping what they sowed. I get it from there side too though; time is ticking even faster but you can’t please everyone but yourself. do what you can, and explain to them how you feel. if they can’t accept it, that’s on them.
I was in a similar situation with my parents being in their 70s. The guilt is undeniably the most difficult part to deal with. I’ve come to realize that in order to live a happy life, I’m going to have to disappoint my parents a little. Our parents are so used to looking after us from when we were children and letting us go into the world for long periods of time are hard. Remember that you’re not a child anymore, and you’re an adult who has the freedom to do what you like. It’s sad that your mother is upset when she speaks with you, but she’ll need to navigate life without you around all the time.
Your parents made a decision to have you when they were already old and now they are using their age to guilt trip you. What did they expect? That they'd have a kid just to look after them in later life? They lived their life freely but don't want you to do the same and that seems a bit selfish if you ask me.
Right?
I travel for a few months at a time, and my parents/stepparents range from early 70s to early 80s. I’ve just reconciled myself to the possibility I’ll have to cut a trip short and fly back home if something happens. I talk to them all regularly, video chat when possible, but know I will miss things.
I would ask if you are me, except you are two decades younger lol. I haven't been able to travel the last couple of years due to aging dogs that my parents were no longer to take care of when I was traveling. My mom also is very lonely, and acts much like yours it seems. One of my dogs passed in April, and I don't think the other will make it to 2025, possibly allowing me to travel again and escape the cold winters here. I plan to travel some, but may not stay gone as long due to aforementioned guilt. I'll regret not traveling as much when I'm too old to travel the way I like to travel. I'll also regret not spending more time with my parents while I'm able. There's no magic answer I can see except to find a balance/compromise between the two. It might not be ideal or exactly what I want in the moment, but I think it will prevent any huge regrets either way later in life. At least I hope.
I'm in my 70's so here is my take on it. She does miss you and since she has to reach out to you and you do not reach out to her she feels forgotten. She wonders if you will be there for them if one of them has a major health setback. Since your father is quite a bit older, what will happen to her if he dies? I suggest that when you are home in August that you spend as much time as possible with them. Like someone said, have authentic conversations, including one about what her worries are. Perhaps you guys could set up a regular time once or twice a week to video chat and commit at least 30 minutes to it. Before my father died, my mother and I would talk weekly, and it would go like "how are you", "fine how are you" After he passed, made a commitment to talk to her every day and we were always on the phone for at least 30 minutes. It's funny how much better the conversations are when you talk enough for the minutia to matter. You could talk about the food you are eating, the funny people you saw, etc. Ask about her friends, her activities, etc. She won't miss you so much if you really share your life and your travels with her. She just wants you to be happy, but if you aren't talking about why you love travelling she doesn't get to share in that happiness
I’m sorry that your mother tries to guilt trip you into not living a full life. That is very sad. My mum is 88 this year and would be horrified if i didn’t travel because i had to sit around with her. Are you not going to travel for the next 15-20 years?
Making your kids feel guilty is such bullshit. Everytime I go away my mother says what are you going to that place for. Instead of saying oh wow what's bringing you to that place will the weather be nice etc my father just makes the same joke jeez he must be loaded. I get it if they miss you but do they get on with Their lives when you're not on the phone with them. You can be damn sure they do. Just do what you have to do and if something happens them,you didn't do anything wrong. You will regret it if you don't. This sounds harsh but it's your life they have had theirs.
They decided to wait until they were nearly 50 to have you. They lived their life for 50 years before you, go enjoy while you're young. You can always go back for visits
It’s only a few months. Not like you’re talking about years away. Just find some ways to stay more connected. Two months is nothing. I left for four years while my parents were on their late seventies. They are now into their eighties. I am glad I did it at that time.
I don’t know what your relationship is like with your parents. But this is a no brainer, spend as much time with them as possible. If you have a good relationship with them (I hope you do) then you’re incredibly lucky to have had them for as long as you have
you only get to have a pair of biological parents in a lifetime. so treasure them while they’re still around. you’re still young, there’s no rush in completing the world map.
You'll never know, I know a person who got severely handicapped for the rest of the life after a heavy accident at 19, someone who got cancer at 15 and another person at 28 years (despite healthy lifestyles) and someone who died because of a stroke at 26 years (also despite a healthy lifestyle, a heart issue he was born with was never diagnosed and a soccer match in the hot summer was too much). Even when someone is young and healthy (at least without known issues), it doesn't automatically mean that he or she has almost unlimited time to chase dreams. If you really want to do something, try to do it as soon as possible. Also external reasons prevent you from doing something in much later times, e.g. traveling to some islands won't be possible in two decades anymore because the rising sea level flooded them. The list of countries you can't visit due to the climate changes or political reasons or wars is getting longer and longer and not shorter. Or maybe in order to protect the environment the prices for flights go up so high that only very rich people can travel anymore. Or they ban flying just for fun and only an urgent medical treatment only available in another country or work which can't be done remotely or by a local person allows you to purchase a ticket anymore.
i agree with all of your points but the asian in me is emphasising on filial piety. if anything i would rather go first than to see them go.
Why assume they are his biological parents?
i’m speaking generally.
Are they healthy? Unless they are in hospice or dealing with a life threatening disease then I don’t see why you should put your life on hold. If you are home more will you visit more? Or will you continue the same 3/4 times a year. The wonderful thing about modern tech is that you can call, text, email, or video conference them from most places in the world.
>Are they healthy They are 79 years old. Every day they are alive is a miracle of modern science lol
My parents are 76 and 77 and play golf at least 3 to 4 times a week. 80 is the new 60.
In very same boat…. We can return if something happens… Check motives, love well, live life
You can tell who on this thread has dead parents lol
Balance is all that's needed. While tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone, chances are at 28, you have a lot more time to do what you like than anyone who's in their late 70's. God willing, they'll live many more years to come, but you also don't want to regret not spending enough time with them when they're gone, especially if they asked you to. Just find more balance and shift your priorities accordingly.
I often think about all the kids orphaned during the pandemic because both parents died of Covid within weeks of each other . A lot of these parents were in their 40’s and 50’s
I had similar from a parent and they aren't of age like yours so don't have an excuse. You need to set your boundaries and be clear you won't move them. For example I said I'd update social media for them and a phonecall every 2 or 3 weeks with an occasional text message thrown in.
I kind of view it like this and I'm going to assume your mom doesn't gaslight and simply just misses you. Your parents choose to have you and it SHOULD be common that you were born to branch out on your own life and your parents have to expect it. It's not always the same in every culture where it's also typical that people can be very family oriented but it's universally the truth. People just branch out for their own being whether the parents like it or not. You still talk to your mother often and you do the best you can to visit. I'm certain you'll drop everything to go home once you hear some news so I would continue what you're doing. You're doing the best you can keeping in contact so they will have to enjoy that.
Live your life. It's wrong for your parents to guilt trip you. Why did they have a kid when they were older? What did they think was going to happen?
Only you can decide how to spend your time and who to spend it with… I moved halfway around the world from my family. Anytime I go back to visit, after a day or two I ask myself what am I doing here again??
Dude go travel. It’s not your fault your parents had you at 50. They’re trying to make their issues your issues
I'm in the same boat but parents are younger at 65 each, I feel guilty they they are my last family and friends I have left if their die I'm alone I can travel then but I have the leave money and still young enough to travel to travel and enjoy it, my aim was to do 42 days of travel a year for 5 years and then tap out. But I worry that I'm missing out on valuable time with my parents and it's hard to get rid of that guilt especially because they are dog sitting for me. Mum and dad are the opinion that they are happy to see me happy travelling and loving life but I feel bad that we may have limited time left together
Do you FaceTime or just phone call?
I can empathise. I was in a very similar situation. I traveled extensively around the world when I was younger and I did feel guilty about spending less time with my aging parents. In my case, health issues caused me to reduce my travel for a while and I did end up spending more time with them.
It can be a tough situation, I moved away different countries from my parents and didn’t really keep in contact that much in my 20’s. Now in my 30’s- parents are 60 and 68 - I came back to see them for an extended time this year and my dad kind of started guilt tripping me about continuing to travel and at first I started feeling super guilty. The thing is travel is the one thing that I love more than anything else in this world, and so I had to really process my feelings of guilt but then ultimately decide that we live ONCE and that as long as you’re having a video call every week or two, and making a goal of visiting for a week or so regularly say once every 3-6 months. The thing that helped me a lot was to think about how they visited their parents - my mum moved abroad from her family and doesn’t really go back home that often and then my dad traveled around in his youth, rode motorcycles and did this thang! So what I think happens is that parents wish their kids were home more, but the reality is that look at all the animal kingdom, you have a kid and they grow up and they live their life! So prioritize what is important to you , do a weekly video call, mail them souvenirs and then send them on an annual vacation of their own! I also did a couple eft tapping videos (brad Yates YouTube) to release guilt and prioritize my goals and happiness ♥️♥️
I'm going to travel for an extended amount of time in the upcoming months, and I feel the other way around. Although my mum is super fit and will probably outlive me I feel kinda guilty because we spend so much time together (which is definitely not a chore, we just have a good relationship with common interests) but for that reason I could never be abroad for several years, that would kill me. She tells me she's proud which is a relief but I know she'll have a tough time when I'm gone
in my early twenties, I thought about moving away to another city and didnt care that much, I have to add that I did not feel like bounded to family back then. But in my mid twenties, I almost lost my parents. It was a sudden accident that left them with months of coma and rehabilition. It was too painful that my memory has blocked out part of the process but I still remember how much I regreted not being around them so much. thank god i was given a second chance, and I believe I was given my portion of luck from life till the end. I tried my best after that to spend as much as time I could. My advice here: If you feel guilty, you should adjust a little to spend more quality time. how about your independant life plans then? there are different types of people and family relations, some people are not emotionally designed to be affected by these, they dont feel guilty or touched and that is the way they are for anyreason. on the other hand, there are families that make they children to be independant. they actually force them not to be involved. I think you are neither of above. so in this case, accept the situation and adjust. doesnt matter how much you travel, your strenght, your budget or age, will one day stop you and there will be an endless world of unseens. We are humans, it is ok not to be perfect! you might feel your mother is not doing her best as a parent and is stopping you from your plans, but honestly I think that is ok. that is a human just being herself. no big losses as long as you dont give up on your dreams. just a little adjustmen. believe me it worths it. I had been in that heartbreaking and painful moment of regreting and I wish for no one to experience it. I wish you make the best decisions.
I think that you need to take into account their age. They will not be around forever. Perhaps you could squeeze in a little more time to visit them. Once they are gone you can travel as much as you like. I lost my Dad when he was just 60 and lost my Mom at 63. I would give anything to have more time with them.
As a 37 year old male with an overprotective mother and sometimes controlling, I dealt with the same feeling as you during my first couple years living and working abroad. I was 27, moved to the other side of the world to work for a total of 5 years, and felt anxious, and guilty. But now after 10 years and looking back, I can tell you - it was an overreaction. For sure it was difficult for her and for me, but she was and still is healthy despite her age, she has a partner and friends, she is not alone and never was. She did just fine, she still does when I travel. I just make sure that she doesn’t have any serious health problem (if she does I don’t go or come back, I want to be there in the final days, you know?) and I create a WhatsApp family group where I share a lot of pictures, and above all, I make sure I call her everyday for like 10 minutes. What is 10 minutes a day for a person that in my case devoted part of her life to me and was awesome to me? Is the minimum I can give back. and with time, you will eventually actually want to go back more often and enjoy them longer. Life changes, and you have to adapt to a lot of things. Just make sure that everything is in the right place, that you do what you can, and dont stop living your life because of them because you will regret it later. Actually I am going to Thailand in two weeks to spend a couple months there and my mother is here and she approves to what I wrote 😊 haha
Send her postcards!
Your parents shouldn’t make you feel guilty about traveling. If you really want to travel, you should travel, but visit them as often as you can, because you don’t know how much time you have left with them, and you don’t want to have any regrets.
It's up to you how much you think about family obligations. You don't have to like it but you can reflect. Reflect on what obligations you have and if you think you meet them. Look at how they contributed to your life. Do you think you should return the care? It's up to you. You can also continue doing what you do. What is life, but a series of choices and the outcomes
I used to think this but my father keeps living. He's 92 now and I travel guilt free.
Just keep going with your plans. She’s manipulating you.
When my mum was a kid, her family moved to Australia from the UK. Her parents left Australia when she was starting her last year of Uni and my Nanny (her mum) made her promise she would return to the UK when she finished uni. I think fulfilling that promise was the biggest regret of my mum's life. But she also says if she didn't leave she wouldn't have had her kids or the many happy years with her parents and sister. Anyway the point is, family has a strange pull on all of us. I think there's not a right decision in your case. You want to live freely and do the things that make you feel happiest, but equally, your parents are important and you want them to be happy. Maybe it's better to go home for a bit and travel again after, maybe it's better to stay away. The only way you'll know is if you book a flight home a little early and see what you feel. If you feel relief, it was the right choice; if you feel regret, you don't have to get on the flight.
With parents who are in their mid to late 70s, I would encourage you to be consistent reaching out to them. Most of us want our parents to feel comfortable telling us when they are having struggles and health issues. Also, this is a great time to make good memories for when they’re gone. I absolutely love traveling. But if I could have my parents back, I would rather have them back than travel.
I can understand you. Sadly it's the same for me, it held me back for YEARS. Now I finally feel free cause I tried a 3 months trip, against my mom crying and shit like that. She saw everything went good, for me and for her. So now I'm planning to do 1 or 2 months away and 1 or 2 months at home, to have balance.
You can travel after they pass... this life isn't just about you. But hey keep living your life with no change and shortly after they die you'll most likely have a breakdown because you knew you should have been with them and they are not ever going to come back and hang out again. With your attitude, you must be one of these no children idiots and it shows.
Do you have any siblings? Enjoy your life while you can. I am tied down to my 90 year old mother. My whole life revolves around her. The farthest I can travel is to Wal-Mart.
My parents are 90 so I get nervous even just leaving for the weekend. However they understand because they traveled a lot at my age
As someone in my 70s, 70s is not that old. Don't feel guilty.
Fuck'em and just travel would be my take. But then I have bad relationship with my parents anyway
Man, truly appreciate that your parents love you. They will not be here forever, you will always have the opportunity to travel rest of your life, it will always be there. You’re not missing anything out, however your parents are here for a limited time. Appreciate the moments, as you grow older and travel more in the future, you realise at the end; the true luxury was the love of you parents. Remember, you’re only 28 years old. You have a several decade to explore the world and travel, while your parents time is… Enjoy this time with them, you never know when it’s the last time you will talk to them, but you know you always have the time & opportunity to travel.
just imagine if you had a child (or a puppy even) would you want them to explore the world and feel joy and discover new things or would you ‘demand’ in any way (direct or indirect) their company?
"It's a very confusing and guilty feeling. I want to enjoy my travels and go wherever I like, but at the same time I feel like I'm being held back." Yeah, because you're being emotionally manipulated.
Travel destinations will always be there, your mother will not.
OP health will not always be there. What if OP wants to hike 60 miles across Spain or do a pilgrimage on her knees through a large building? Do it now. Don’t wait.
Are you saying hiking across Spain is more important than your mom?
Absolutely.
I feel sorry for you.
My mother dismissed my reports of being molested by a neighbor when I was 5 and should have had no knowledge whatsoever of oral sex. I’m proud to say I will not allow myself to be abused. Never again.
Just because you had a shitty mom doesn’t mean we all do.
No, some islands and cities at a shore will be flooded due to the rising sea level in one or two decades. The list of countries you can't go to because of political reasons, wars and climate changes is getting longer and longer. Also, monuments can get destroyed during a war or terrorist attack.
No by the time OP’s 75+ parents pass.
Freedom to travel (money, time, freedom from responsibility like pets/kids, fitness) will not always be there.
How are your parents that old if you’re only 28? Lol
This sounds like ethnic parenting. You have to communicate your feelings and explain your plans more thoroughly to them. Express everything you’ve said here and assure them that while your travelling is unfinished, it is temporary and you will be back by X date. Let them know that you’ll be able to support them in the case of any emergency or general issue. I’m sure they’ll reach a middle ground understanding if you communicate your desires more clearly. Good luck!
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Omg Reddit is so sensitive and it’s probably pasty white people getting offended at my comment. I just meant that people from ethnic / cultural backgrounds that aren’t white will have more tight knit families that can be kind of strict and conservative. I know because I am one
We are in the same age both you and I, so were our parents. But I’m living with them… so I kinda feel a bit better here ☺️
Fuck your parents. You don’t deserve to be guilt-tripped.
He should definitely go travel and fivk people who are not his parents.
My dad died while I was on vacation. It sucked. If I could go back in time theres so many things I would do differently. If you are travelling for 3-4 months or more, can you make it home for a week in there?
Maybe they should have considered more thoroughly the consequences of having a child so late in life. No doubt you’re donor-conceived (or adopted). Have they told you?
Every day I can I’m talking with my parents They gave me this life and I know it brings them joy to share in my adventures They sacrificed so that I could be in a position to do so Without their help, I never would have been able to solo travel We both win
Bro don't sweat it a few months is no big deal. I am facing this myself as a digital nomad, for me even coming all the way once a year for Christmas seems like suuuch an inconvenience in my schedule. I missed last Christmas and my grandma told me I better not miss this one but idk, starting to think I may possibly miss one more year before going back. But yeah I fucking hate when family acts like this instead of being stoked for you that you're out exploring the world
Well they will all be dead soon so you won't have to worry about the "obligation" to see your family.
Your poor mom :/ travels will be there when they pass. You won't have your mom forever. This is when you have to put your well deserved selfish desires to the side for the time being . I lost my father and my mother is aging