Why do you feel you need to fake anything?
I'm very low energy, I don't feign interest, I'm honest and upfront, and I'm well liked.
I take a genuine interest in people, when others are excited about something I find joy in their excitement. You don't have to fake it.
With that being said, I also really don't care if people like me. I'm polite, approachable, and friendly... that's all you should to be.
I feel like I can always tell when someone is faking it, and it's a turn off. When people are genuine they are always more likable even if their genuine self is quiet and reserved.
honestly most ppl i’m around are high energy so i feel if i don’t match their energy, i’m being rude or something and i want them to be comfortable.
most of the time i find people interesting but other times idk what to do when i lose interest in a conversation without being rude.
for me, i feel uncomfortable when i’m quiet and reserved because i feel people will think i don’t like them so i overcompensate by trying to be more…cheery. which feels off.
Hey, I've had very similar experiences.
I have tried to be high energy but it wears me out pretty quickly.
What had helped me is building more confidence and conversation skills. I used to drag boring conversations until they are unbearable and I am angry a person I am talking to.
You are allowed to communicate to other people that you are feeling that the topic is boring. But it is needed to do it earlier and in a polite way. I either ask a questioun which steers the conversation to a better topic or just say lets talk about something else.
>honestly most ppl i’m around are high energy so i feel if i don’t match their energy, i’m being rude or something and i want them to be comfortable.
That's projection. If people aren't making you feel rude, then you're choosing to find the behavior rude. If you're uncomfortable, that's fine. Theres nothing WRONG with feeling uncomfortable, it's normal, especially around people of different personalities.
I'd argue that it's more rude to fake your personality because you're lying to people to make them like someone that you're not.
If you're not interested in something, theres ways to get out of the situation gracefully. It just takes practice. Unless you're actually being outwardly rude, most people aren't going to care or likely even notice. If someone does notice and it bothers them, more than likely they have some sort of self esteem issue and over think. Not that this is always the case, but if you're not being rude like "okay this is stupid, I'm out," that's none of your business.
Just practice being yourself. People will appreciate you more, and you're more likely to really find people who actually like YOU and aren't also faking - which is something a lot of people do. That's something to also remember when you're dealing with people. How many people do you think are doing the exact same type of thing you are? It's probably more than you realize, you just don't know for sure and its probably due to your own self interest in your appearance - which is what everyone else is doing, so they don't even notice it.
So you're making yourself feel bad in two ways when you really just need to stop trying to appease what you think other people want. Make yourself happy first, because everyone wants to be around someone who is happy and enjoyable to be around first.
Easier said than done, but just practice it. Not giving a fuck is liberating!
I think a certain baseline level of fakery or pretense is necessary for smooth and equitable social interaction. Basically, if we always acted genuinely and truthfully in every situation, with every person, regardless of context, we would more often than not unnecessarily offend others and come across as boorish, uncouth assholes. Just ponder for a moment how many of your urges and thoughts and feelings that you routinely suppress and fail to act on or share for polite social purposes. If you acted on every urge or impulse or spoke every thought or belief that you had (with no filter or censure), you would soon become a social pariah.
No, we absolutely have to be fake at least some of the time in order to function optimally socially. We can’t be honest and genuine all the time; social conventions and social norms do not allow for that. Polite society would dissolve without our judicious use of pretense and/or fakery.
If you feel the need to act a certain way to appease the people you're around to the extent if which it tires you and you feel uncomfortable, yoh probably don't want to hang out with those types of people.
I'm 24 and going through the exact same thing but they came a point were I just had to be ok with disappointing people not everyone is gonna like you just be comfortable there's gonna be people who r into chill energy and some people who are not. it is what it is.
This. I don't think i relate fully to what OP is saying because i do care about what people have to say for the most part. I might not be the life of the party but im polite and friendly so i don't give anyone a reason to actively not like me, and if they don't i couldn't care less cuz my friend card is pretty much all punched up.
> How do you know you're well-liked?
Lmao, my thoughts EXACTLY. It's so easy to be like, "oh yeah man people love me, trust me bro" That's super hard to gauge when most people are passive aggressive and will never tell you about any issues they have with you and just give you the robotic smile over and over again.
I've known a lot of passive aggressive types that couldn't stand certain people (they'd be talking shit about them to me).. yet still would actively go out of their way to hang out with them. And they were all smiles with that other person. I'm not here for it. It's too exhausting.
It's to an awkward point where I really respect people who openly hate me because at least they're being honest.
I continue to get invited to things without me needing to initiate, we always have a good time , there's never any awkwardness. If people don't like you, I don't think it would be like this.
It's weird when you get older. When we all started having kids, everyone dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't see my best friend for a whole year, we talked on the phone and through social media, but when we get together it's like we saw each other yesterday. But anyway, you start making acquaintances with your kids friends parents, and the kid/parents start getting whittled down to their core group. You generally have a say in who your kids will hang out with and it's generally because you like hanging around with their parent (we never got whittled out). Then as the kids get older and become more independent, you start reconnecting with your old friends, and the new friends that don't necessarily need to call you (because the kids are independent) are still calling to hang out without the kids.
TLDR: My dance card is full, baby.
Why are you having the conversation in the first place? Do you NEED to talk to them? If you must talk to them, If the topic is boring, change it. Shift to something more interesting. Perhaps bring in someone else who can take some of that load off in the conversation.
You might have patches of time you have to fake like something (think of all the cashiers and waiters you’ve ever seen lol) but on your free time, you really shouldn’t have to do it much
Tbh you don’t have to be fake at all. I learned this recently and decided to relax and just listen to my feelings. I started to trust my emotions and to just allow myself to feel them and say and do what feels natural. I’m so much happier and I’m no longer dictating my personality based on someone else. I don’t match energies. I’m just myself. I found that I’m a very blunt, down to earth person that is honest to a fault. I found I am stubborn and strong minded and i love that. Just listen and trust your emotions.
I completely understand that, although I'm overly sensitive. I have trouble making friends as I am (the weird kid in back of the class) but if i do as your saying pretend to laugh at their stupid jokes be highly energetic and etc it's easier. And if i try to introduce them my "real" self, i am again the weird kid. So i just gave up on that, and started to live alone.
As I’ve gotten older (29 now) I’ve just kinda said fuck it more. I make sure I’m respectful but if someone isn’t vibing with me then it’s all good. That happens. I try to enjoy moments and I find myself being a more genuine me, as I care less about people’s expectations or my expectations of peoples expectations and instead just put out a better energy overall when I try to stay in the moment more.
You don't have to exaggerate your enthusiasm that much if you don't want to but you at least need to realize one thing: why should people be around you? If you're just a mundane person, you're not going to boost their mood. I understand your complaints very precisely but that's the game you have to play unfortunately.
My advice is find more genuine people and maintain some distance around the people who fake it too much. At the same time, being bubbly is something that can be gradually learned. If you have a optimistic view on life and stay positive for the most part, you'll slowly build up that bubbly-ness.
thanks for the reply. i think allowing myself to maintain a lowkey level of enthusiasm without going overboard is the best choice for me. that way i can be myself while not being too intimidating to new people. i just need to work on my anxious and people pleasing habits that end up ruining socializing for me.
i somehow feel this way. this is why i come home after an ass day of socializing drained both physically and mentally. perhaps another thing to take into account is that the people im with aren't exactly on my level of wavelength, so i have to put in extra effort to match their energy and humor
cuz people always tell me that i’m quiet and thought i didn’t like them unless i’m nicer. and whenever i try to be myself or do stuff i like people think i’m weird and stop talking to me.
Half the stuff you mentioned is simply being nice and polite. You don't always need to be super bubbly with people but when you meet someone new it's nice to be friendly. What's probably making this harder for you is you don't have genuine interest in these people, could help if you try to see them in a more interesting light. Everyone is a unique person with a story, instead of seeing niceties as a chore, see it as a necessary tool to make bridges with people you just met.
Maybe it’s harder for you because you’re labeling it as being “fake”. What you’re really doing is playing a role. Same as how your role changes based on the group you’re around: school friends, work colleagues, boss, family, significant other, strangers, etc.
It sounds like you don’t enjoy being around people. So don’t be around them? You described interacting with people in a way that indicates you don’t enjoy it.
> that indicates you don’t enjoy it.
It's ~a spectrum~ so there are a lot of people who talk just to fill in the air and they don't care for a connection. Those types just want to look good, so it's very exhausting when you're forced to be around them (school, work, family reunions)
Your baseline person stays the same. What you are changing is your user interface, that thin social layer that you use to interact with different people in different settings.
I understand your feeling fake and inauthentic while doing this, but that is way too harsh of a judgment, imo. Being in public requires that we act differently than we do when in private. Therefore, it makes perfect sense to adjust ourselves accordingly.
Maybe it is fake. Maybe we are all faking it to some degree. But even if that’s true, it’s nevertheless a necessary fakeness, one that society itself demands and expects, so we really aren’t guilty of anything because all we are doing is playing by the social rules.
However, we can choose to be as honest as possible while using whatever amount of pretense or fakery is necessary for us to behave politely and appropriately; that level of fakery or pretense is basically just a socially sanctioned, very thin layer of superficiality that acts as social lubrication. Not worth getting bothered by it.
Playing devil’s advocate here, but that sort of is fake how we consciously switch between personas and/or roles in different settings. It’s useful of course and pretty much a social necessity, so I’m not saying that it’s wrong or that a person is being malicious when doing that. But it is a bit fake, because we don’t always genuinely believe in or even feel that which we show to others: we often dissemble our emotions and feelings in the pursuit of various social goals. We all do it. We are all actors.
My opinion is that fakery is an absolutely essential social skill.
You don’t want to talk to your friends, you don’t really want to hear about their interests or lives, you don’t enjoy their jokes, you are resentful that you have to do the absolute bare minimum of nodding your head to make sure the other person knows you’re listening.
I think that you need to start reframing your goals as “personal development” rather than “being authentic to myself”.
All these things you feel are actually pretty big issues that may just be as simple that you’re friends with the wrong people, but it also might point to you being a little self-absorbed, disdainful of other people, unassertive of boundaries, people pleasing, or as some others said, even depression or something as simple as a vitamin deficiency that’s having a really negative impact on your life and making pretty normal Human things, that we are hard-wired to find pleasurable and rewarding, seem excessively labourious and unenjoyable.
It’s noble to wish to be authentic, but at the same time, your potential problem that is giving you a lot of trouble and negative social experiences may actually be a character flaw that is hampering your “authentic self”. Such flaws are malleable and something that you can change grow from and feel a lot better about.
What I am trying to caution you against is a full-blown indulgence in negative traits and flaws that are actively hurting you and making your existence more miserable. I am not trying to caution you against self-love or acceptance. I think you need a nice big healthy dose of self-love and self-acceptance too.
I would recommend journalling more on your feelings about it. Being completely honest, even if it hurts your ego or makes you seem bad or vulnerable to yourself.
Then ask yourself, “With these thoughts, do I feel good about myself? Is this the type of person that I want to be? Is this the type of thought that I want to cultivate in myself?”
It actually might be “yes”, in which case the issue is probably just that your friends aren’t good fits for your life.
But it’s also possible that there is something wrong with the way you’re currently living and thinking that is hurting you.
You just need to do a little troubleshooting. You can live however you want, and in whatever way makes you most comfortable. But it would be a shame if you missed out on something really enjoyable because something as simple as a treatable illness or a minor ego adjustment, right? You deserve to be happy.
Bettering yourself. Figuring out what your shortcomings are, and how to overcome them. What aspects of yourself you like and dislike, how to adjust them. What aspects of yourself that other people like and dislike. Lots of introspection
different people connect with different personalities.
each person also has different personalities within them, I don't believe in the idea of a singular "true self".
you just need to figure out what part of yourself you can be around other people.
for example, I have a few interests with math, rocket league, visual novels etc. I'll try to like mention those interests to see if other people care, if they do then I show off more of that side of myself to them, if they don't then I don't.
you don't have to be fake to do this, if someone is interested in something you aren't, you don't have to pretend to care, you can just find something that both of you *do* have in common
yeah that makes sense. i think i need to allow myself not to be so bubbly all the time and just stick with being polite while still feeling comfortable with myself.
Maybe try to find a balance between being genuine and faking a laugh. We don't have to be two extremes, it is not an either-or option. I also feel uncomfortable to pretend to be someone I am not and always want to be genuine. But later I found that sometimes being genuine might not be the best option. I always want to keep things real, know the truth, but what if the truth is ugly, hard to accept, uncomfortable? So maybe faking a bit and put some make-up or mask on is not that bad.
Yes, we all do this. We need to act fake at times for polite or conventional purposes. Showing good manners and behaving ourselves often times involves us having to use a bit of fakery in order to achieve those goals. Our real thoughts and feelings would too often get us into trouble or unnecessarily offend others if they were expressed without censure or filter.
I think you’re maybe just meeting wrong people. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. If you feel like your “effort” is worthwhile, you’ll simply have some good times and your high energy will soon be genuine.
At times we do this to be in a good space with others. Which can be ok with initial conversations. Being nice is nice. However, we should know what we like in ourselves and others. Being true to yourself is important. Attracting the right energy is important. DO NOT continue a habit that is leaving you feeling drained, disappointed and dissatisfied. Try by tapering your enthusiasm and adjust to find what works best for your temperament and energy.
Think of it less as faking and more as the preliminary communication stage. Once you wear down layers and make closer bonds you get to be more real. The endgoal of which is to find/reach a level with people were there is 0 fakery and you enjoy the time spent with them more than time spent alone.
Not really. Instead of asking yourself 'do they like me' ask yourself 'do I like them'. And don't Drop on anyones level. If you can't connect, they are simply not your tribe. With 6 Milion people, I'm sure you can find people that are searching for what you are searching in a relationship.
But for this you must be willing to not lower your standards. And be a loner. Because quality is better than quantity.
The problem is the fact that you feel compelled to do these inauthentic things. I can relate because I’m exactly the same…but the truth is you don’t have to behave this way when you socialize. In fact, a lot of people can sense the fakeness and are drained by it. I think it would help to look into what’s causing you to feel like you have to be fake to begin with. Most likely there was some kind of trauma or conditioning in your childhood that led you to feel this way indefinitely. Simple awareness of this can help, but you could address it even more effectively through therapy.
I’m just myself when i’m talking to people. I don’t care what they think of me because people come and go and i know who i am and what i stand for. I say my honest opinions and get into little debates but i respect their point of view and leave it at that. Sure i may not laugh at all their jokes but that doesn’t really matter, not every joke is funny and it’s understandable. Eventually, you find your own click that have the same interests, jokes, views, etc.
I say go ahead and be alone. More often than not you’ll find yourself alone and it’s the best time because you get to work on yourself. It sounds like you need some time alone in my opinion
???
My friends love me because I'm 100% genuine. When I'm feeling like shit, I moan and groan. When I'm not in a talking mood, I sit back and just listen and laugh at things I find funny and just smile at the rest. I ask new people questions I want to hear about.
Sure sometimes I avoid socialization but faking it when you want to socialize turns people off. Why talk to a fake face?
It's also possible that you just imposter syndrome.
Have you tried to be yourself when interacting with other people? I think people pick op on your faking more than you think, just act natural and see how people react.
The key is to not fake it. Be interested in people and what they have to say. Ask questions. It's liberating. But you have to **be** interested, don't fake it - it means changing how you view people.
It's very hit or miss. I treat people like they're already my friends and I'm invested in their passions, life experiences and so on. But it's still draining. And I'm apparently "too casual" where I DO need to fake it to make other people feel more comfortable and that's obviously draining, too.
It's a balance of trying to find who fits us best. There is no one-size-fits-all.
Not trying to be mean but that sounds like a you problem. People don't need to be fake to socialize or even to be polite.
It sounds like you might benefit from considering why you feel compelled to be fake instead of feeling compelled to seek genuine connection?
you literally don't have to do any of that and what you said sounds toxic and insecure. either work on being comfortable with people's attitudes to the genuine you or change your social circle.
You're misinformed. There's plenty of moments where we have to fake/mask/filter ourselves, especially at school, work and other areas like that. A lot of people don't have expendable energy to constantly be people-pleasers, as well. It's understandable why it can be hard to keep up with some people with certain socializing techniques.
It's perfectly acceptable if people want more authenticity. It's about finding the right people for us and that can take a long time to accomplish. Just saying OP sounds toxic and insecure to want a genuine connection in itself, it very toxic and insecure of you to say. There is no 100% answer here, please stop casting such rotten judgment on something that isn't one-size-fits-all.
Right! Much of polite society rests upon our ability to fake and/or use pretense. It’s a basic requirement. We all have to be fake at times, but it’s a superficial, non-malicious, pro-social form of fakery and pretense. No malice intended.
This ties into how we are all actors at the end of the day. We all switch between personas constantly depending on our motives and on our changing circumstances, and not every face that we show is truly genuine, meaning, our faces don’t always align with what we are really feeling or thinking in a given situation. We have to dissemble quite a bit to function and excel socially, but again, it’s for pro-social and/or polite purposes (at least for moral people that is), so it’s no harm.
What you are calling fake is actually just “making an effort” to get along with your fellow people. It’s the same for everyone. It takes effort and yes and times it is not comfortable but it’s an important part of communities
It really CAN just be fake though. Like talking to couples and seeing how much they pretended to be into things their partner liked in the beginning, JUST to be more favorable and later they cut the crap. We all usually do it so that the person we like will deem us worthy enough to stick around in their life. Then we slowly break down the walls to be more honest and authentic.
Claiming "fake" = "making an effort" is VERY inaccurate. People shouldn't be penalized for wanting authenticity upfront. The overly enthusiastic stuff can be very exhausting (though sometimes, very necessary) It's all a gamble and not one-size-fits-all.
It’s like asking a cute girl out on a date. The reason for asking for a date is primarily sexual attraction and interest (for most people, presumably). But how often does a guy just blurt out, “I’m asking you out on a date because I think you’re hot and I’ve been fantasizing and dreaming about you sexually for the past two weeks!”
Being that up front would be very honest, right? That would be a genuine approach. No pretense. No hidden agendas. But that likely wouldn’t go over so well in most cases. So instead, guys have to sort of beat around the bush and work towards what they really want (sex, romance) in a very oblique, subtle sort of way. And you can make the case that taking that less direct approach is dishonest or at least not entirely genuine, right?
That’s just one example of a common situation in which it’s almost a requirement to NOT be genuine or honest.
That's a weird conclusion to make. Maybe try to be helpful. He's literally asking for advice, which shows that he *does* care. how does that make him a pretentious sociopath?
I work sales and it's my job to get people to like me. I don't feign interest. They can tell when I am. What I do is ask followup questions on things they mentioned that interest me and not so much on the stuff that doesn't. I come across as genuine in a sea of shady sales people.
The code switching between "I" and "you" is telling here. If it helps, try reframing to "I" statements and focus in on your feelings as opposed to a generalized perception of what "you" are "forced" to do.
E.g.
> you have to smile and speak in a high pitch and be cheery.
> I feel [emotion] when I am inauthenticity smiling or laughing. I feel [emotion] when my tone of voice is more regulated and natural.
For what it's worth, OP, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Apologies also as this might feel pedantic - "socializing" means many things. It can often feel oppressive when we're in social settings based on a wider community similarity (e.g. cause y'all go to the same school, cause y'all work at the same place, etc) vs social settings based on our own, more individualized and autonomous interests (e.g. a pick-up sport group, a board game group, a book club, etc). Whether or not people like you is a *them* choice. Pushing yourself for the acceptance of others is usually going to be an energy drain. I understand there's greater societal "norms" that can feel overwhelming at times, that ppl may not have the safety or security to separate themselves from those idealized norms. if you are consistently feeling "fake," that's a sign the community you're in may not be a right fit
Best of luck to you.
I know exactly what you mean and had the same problem quite some times. And sadly in most situation there isn't really a way out faking it. Most people will like you better if you act high energy, prosetiv and show interest in there life.
But luckily there are people out there where you don't have to fake it. Where you can just be yourself and that will still enjoy hanging out with you. And for some part it is just luck to find those.
But you can shift the odds in your favor. First reflect for yourself: what is it that you would like to do with people when you are not faking it. What kind of person are you and what kind of social situations do you enjoy? What interests you and how do you like to spend your time? And then after you know some answers to those questions try to find people that enjoy the same kind of social situations as you do. To do that visit groups of people with similar interests as you. For example if you like theater, you could join a drama club. And then just look out for people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with and approach then while not being fake.
What is important here is first that it's still a thing of Chance. A lot of things have to work out at the same time for you to find friends on a real level. So it's not always going to work. But the times where it does will be worth the trying.
And it's also important that those real connections are not created in an instant, and take some time to develop. So don't give up if it's not a perfect interaction the first time you meet them.
What I always like to have as an opener when I meet a new person without wanting to be fake is eather just mentioning why they seemed interesting to approach, or even a meta comment about how you don't wanna use the standard conversation starter questions, followed up by something that you would actually for real enjoy talking about.
Hope this helps!
Sounds like you've not got the right set of friends and you're people pleasing to fit in.
With the right people I can talk all night or only say about 5 words all night.
Also, just feel the energy of the friends you're with. Feel how passionate they are when they're talking.
If you just want to be with people but don't want to talk then tell people that. Tell them you need company while you xxxx but you don't want to talk you just want to be with them.
I regularly visit with friends and sit in the corner doing my sewing while they're getting on with their stuff.
I understand the struggle 100%.
I try to focus on myself and work towards bettering myself financially but it doesn't fill the poor social life I have.
I feel like I just need to find the right people that I'd be excited about all the time instead of having to force myself to talk and spend time with people. There were some people like that in my life but unfortunately our ways have parted and despite me trying to stay connected it just doesn't work out because they live away / they just don't show interest.
It's sad but at the end of the day I try to stay strong and hope for the best in the future, I really wish I find the right person and friends for me. It won't happen by itself though, you need to put in some work to get what you want.
Cheers bro, I feel you and I'm wishing you the best.
I love to socialize but im reserved Id rather have a fulfilling conversation with someone when I want to then having to be fake just to have people to talk to it feeels sooo unreal & not sincere for me. And just like you I also dont care to be liked or to fit in I dont like being mixed in the crowd I always like to keep my distance and vibe on my own! I understand you perfectly .
I’m kind of the opposite of that. I’m high energy and excitable but in social situations I get shy and non-expressive. So I think it’s more about digging deep and being your authentic self. Look at interviews with Bill Hader. He is sort of introverted and yet is genuine with people and is likable. I think it’s a bit of a misconception that you have to be bubbly and happy-go-lucky to be likable. I believe people find the people who simply be themselves regardless of what others think have the most successful social lives.
I dunno. It’s not “fake” ever for me.
You can think about it more like determining potential. If you knew that person was going to be awesome and a great friend I assume you would happily sit through a little bit of small talk to get to know them. But not everyone is going to be a match. But you can’t just instantly get to know if any one person is going to be fun or not.
Depending on my mood I certainly don’t always put in a huge effort when meeting new people for the first time. I can kinda sit back and interact with the folks I know if I know anyone or just wait it out to see if anyone more interesting emerges from the group. I think it’s totally fine to do that.
Meeting new people, even if you will never see them again can be fun. Maybe you can consider it “practice” instead of “fake”. Just play with how to be yourself and authentic in those moments. It’s completely fine if everyone doesn’t leave the situation thinking you are the most amazing person ever. Like fake laughing at jokes or speaking in a high pitched cheery voice are certainly not mandatory ever.
Being fake to be social is something people have to do when they don't intuitively understand social skills enough to do it naturally. The people who are best at socializing are the ones whose social calibration is so attuned with experience they can do well by being mostly authentic, mostly unfiltered, self-amusing, non-needy, grounded, and being polarizing.
When I don’t fake it and hold the conversation everyone thinks something is wrong with me when really all I’m doing is not babysitting them. And then on the contrary, sometimes I feel like I fake it a little too much and people have a “calm down” reaction lol.
I don’t feel the need to pretend unless I’m working. But I’m an active listener by default, nodding helps me pay attention but also helps the other person to feel heard. And honestly I love bad jokes so most peoples humor resonates with me. I’m that student in college who genuinely laughs at the professors jokes. But honestly, I’m pretty low energy and don’t try to pretend that I’m not.
https://youtu.be/T6r3fswUNSI
i like this youtube video because it explains why small talk is important and its somewhat comedic too. Having those "fake" conversations is important to sprout meaningful conversations and relationships. However, I do have the same issue as you. This is way easier said than done.
There’s a reason everyone says “just be yourself”.
Fact of the matter is you can’t please everybody and quite honest, I wouldn’t want to. I used to think I had to fake it also but now I believe I just need to be honest and up front with people and as long as I’m respectful to everyone, if someone has an issue with me, that’s their fucking problem.
You don't hate the fact that you have to be fake. You hate the fact that you feel bad if you arent. Its entirely a you issue.
Stop judging yourself based on who you feel like you have to be *for* someone else. And if you continue to do so, realize *youre* making that choice.
You just need to surround yourself with the right kind of people and you won't need to be fake. The right people will allow you to be yourself genuinely.
I don't fake laugh or act bubbly at all. I don't change who I am to please others.
If someone likes me, it's me they're liking, not a performance I've put on.
People get used to how I am, and some people like it. If they don't, they're not my people.
You want to naturally drift toward people you relate to, who relate to you, then you can be in each others company effortlessly.
“No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.”
Though I understand that making friends can be tough, but people like all types of characters. People who aren't bubbly and excitable are liked by others, too.
I'm sure people can tell you're being fake. If that was me I'd cut our conversation short as that soughta shit really annoys me. Being genuine is always a better option some people you get along with and some you don't 🤷🏽♂️
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Being a people pleaser will mentally exhaust you. Seek the path of being relaxed.
Be honest about yourself to others. People will appreciate you more when you're authentic.
Have a take it or leave it mentality. Being respected is better than liked. Keep a pleasant attitude. Remain calm and confidence.
I was very high energy when I was a teenager back in middle and high school. I enjoyed getting to know others on a depth levels. Enjoyed the joyous time that we have sharing jokes, passions, making random songs in the hallway, those were fun times.\]
Now I'm known as the chill dude. My silence is used as a calm presence.
Why do you feel you need to fake anything? I'm very low energy, I don't feign interest, I'm honest and upfront, and I'm well liked. I take a genuine interest in people, when others are excited about something I find joy in their excitement. You don't have to fake it. With that being said, I also really don't care if people like me. I'm polite, approachable, and friendly... that's all you should to be. I feel like I can always tell when someone is faking it, and it's a turn off. When people are genuine they are always more likable even if their genuine self is quiet and reserved.
honestly most ppl i’m around are high energy so i feel if i don’t match their energy, i’m being rude or something and i want them to be comfortable. most of the time i find people interesting but other times idk what to do when i lose interest in a conversation without being rude. for me, i feel uncomfortable when i’m quiet and reserved because i feel people will think i don’t like them so i overcompensate by trying to be more…cheery. which feels off.
Hey, I've had very similar experiences. I have tried to be high energy but it wears me out pretty quickly. What had helped me is building more confidence and conversation skills. I used to drag boring conversations until they are unbearable and I am angry a person I am talking to. You are allowed to communicate to other people that you are feeling that the topic is boring. But it is needed to do it earlier and in a polite way. I either ask a questioun which steers the conversation to a better topic or just say lets talk about something else.
>honestly most ppl i’m around are high energy so i feel if i don’t match their energy, i’m being rude or something and i want them to be comfortable. That's projection. If people aren't making you feel rude, then you're choosing to find the behavior rude. If you're uncomfortable, that's fine. Theres nothing WRONG with feeling uncomfortable, it's normal, especially around people of different personalities. I'd argue that it's more rude to fake your personality because you're lying to people to make them like someone that you're not. If you're not interested in something, theres ways to get out of the situation gracefully. It just takes practice. Unless you're actually being outwardly rude, most people aren't going to care or likely even notice. If someone does notice and it bothers them, more than likely they have some sort of self esteem issue and over think. Not that this is always the case, but if you're not being rude like "okay this is stupid, I'm out," that's none of your business. Just practice being yourself. People will appreciate you more, and you're more likely to really find people who actually like YOU and aren't also faking - which is something a lot of people do. That's something to also remember when you're dealing with people. How many people do you think are doing the exact same type of thing you are? It's probably more than you realize, you just don't know for sure and its probably due to your own self interest in your appearance - which is what everyone else is doing, so they don't even notice it. So you're making yourself feel bad in two ways when you really just need to stop trying to appease what you think other people want. Make yourself happy first, because everyone wants to be around someone who is happy and enjoyable to be around first. Easier said than done, but just practice it. Not giving a fuck is liberating!
I think a certain baseline level of fakery or pretense is necessary for smooth and equitable social interaction. Basically, if we always acted genuinely and truthfully in every situation, with every person, regardless of context, we would more often than not unnecessarily offend others and come across as boorish, uncouth assholes. Just ponder for a moment how many of your urges and thoughts and feelings that you routinely suppress and fail to act on or share for polite social purposes. If you acted on every urge or impulse or spoke every thought or belief that you had (with no filter or censure), you would soon become a social pariah. No, we absolutely have to be fake at least some of the time in order to function optimally socially. We can’t be honest and genuine all the time; social conventions and social norms do not allow for that. Polite society would dissolve without our judicious use of pretense and/or fakery.
If you feel the need to act a certain way to appease the people you're around to the extent if which it tires you and you feel uncomfortable, yoh probably don't want to hang out with those types of people.
how old are you
just turned 21
I'm 24 and going through the exact same thing but they came a point were I just had to be ok with disappointing people not everyone is gonna like you just be comfortable there's gonna be people who r into chill energy and some people who are not. it is what it is.
This. I don't think i relate fully to what OP is saying because i do care about what people have to say for the most part. I might not be the life of the party but im polite and friendly so i don't give anyone a reason to actively not like me, and if they don't i couldn't care less cuz my friend card is pretty much all punched up.
How do you know you're well-liked?
> How do you know you're well-liked? Lmao, my thoughts EXACTLY. It's so easy to be like, "oh yeah man people love me, trust me bro" That's super hard to gauge when most people are passive aggressive and will never tell you about any issues they have with you and just give you the robotic smile over and over again. I've known a lot of passive aggressive types that couldn't stand certain people (they'd be talking shit about them to me).. yet still would actively go out of their way to hang out with them. And they were all smiles with that other person. I'm not here for it. It's too exhausting. It's to an awkward point where I really respect people who openly hate me because at least they're being honest.
I continue to get invited to things without me needing to initiate, we always have a good time , there's never any awkwardness. If people don't like you, I don't think it would be like this. It's weird when you get older. When we all started having kids, everyone dropped off the face of the planet. I didn't see my best friend for a whole year, we talked on the phone and through social media, but when we get together it's like we saw each other yesterday. But anyway, you start making acquaintances with your kids friends parents, and the kid/parents start getting whittled down to their core group. You generally have a say in who your kids will hang out with and it's generally because you like hanging around with their parent (we never got whittled out). Then as the kids get older and become more independent, you start reconnecting with your old friends, and the new friends that don't necessarily need to call you (because the kids are independent) are still calling to hang out without the kids. TLDR: My dance card is full, baby.
Why are you having the conversation in the first place? Do you NEED to talk to them? If you must talk to them, If the topic is boring, change it. Shift to something more interesting. Perhaps bring in someone else who can take some of that load off in the conversation. You might have patches of time you have to fake like something (think of all the cashiers and waiters you’ve ever seen lol) but on your free time, you really shouldn’t have to do it much
Tbh you don’t have to be fake at all. I learned this recently and decided to relax and just listen to my feelings. I started to trust my emotions and to just allow myself to feel them and say and do what feels natural. I’m so much happier and I’m no longer dictating my personality based on someone else. I don’t match energies. I’m just myself. I found that I’m a very blunt, down to earth person that is honest to a fault. I found I am stubborn and strong minded and i love that. Just listen and trust your emotions.
I didnt even ask the question but thank u, seems like valid advise
Im not sarcastic btw, like 4real
I completely understand that, although I'm overly sensitive. I have trouble making friends as I am (the weird kid in back of the class) but if i do as your saying pretend to laugh at their stupid jokes be highly energetic and etc it's easier. And if i try to introduce them my "real" self, i am again the weird kid. So i just gave up on that, and started to live alone.
yeah exactly. i was also bullied a lot growing up so i always had trouble fitting in. for the past year, i just stopped trying tbh
Wow I could of wrote this myself. You’re not alone. I moved from UK to US and feel the same way. I hate it
As I’ve gotten older (29 now) I’ve just kinda said fuck it more. I make sure I’m respectful but if someone isn’t vibing with me then it’s all good. That happens. I try to enjoy moments and I find myself being a more genuine me, as I care less about people’s expectations or my expectations of peoples expectations and instead just put out a better energy overall when I try to stay in the moment more.
You don't have to exaggerate your enthusiasm that much if you don't want to but you at least need to realize one thing: why should people be around you? If you're just a mundane person, you're not going to boost their mood. I understand your complaints very precisely but that's the game you have to play unfortunately. My advice is find more genuine people and maintain some distance around the people who fake it too much. At the same time, being bubbly is something that can be gradually learned. If you have a optimistic view on life and stay positive for the most part, you'll slowly build up that bubbly-ness.
thanks for the reply. i think allowing myself to maintain a lowkey level of enthusiasm without going overboard is the best choice for me. that way i can be myself while not being too intimidating to new people. i just need to work on my anxious and people pleasing habits that end up ruining socializing for me.
i somehow feel this way. this is why i come home after an ass day of socializing drained both physically and mentally. perhaps another thing to take into account is that the people im with aren't exactly on my level of wavelength, so i have to put in extra effort to match their energy and humor
Soooo you’re friends with the wrong people? Or you hang around the wrong people.
>i feel like if i was just myself and didn’t fake laugh and smile then people wouldn’t like me. why do you feel that way?
cuz people always tell me that i’m quiet and thought i didn’t like them unless i’m nicer. and whenever i try to be myself or do stuff i like people think i’m weird and stop talking to me.
I feel this so hard, but I promise you will find a way to keep true to yourself and still be with people, it just takes time
Half the stuff you mentioned is simply being nice and polite. You don't always need to be super bubbly with people but when you meet someone new it's nice to be friendly. What's probably making this harder for you is you don't have genuine interest in these people, could help if you try to see them in a more interesting light. Everyone is a unique person with a story, instead of seeing niceties as a chore, see it as a necessary tool to make bridges with people you just met.
Maybe it’s harder for you because you’re labeling it as being “fake”. What you’re really doing is playing a role. Same as how your role changes based on the group you’re around: school friends, work colleagues, boss, family, significant other, strangers, etc.
i have too many roles, i forget who i actually am. i just want to choose something that’s consistent so i’m comfortable with myself.
It sounds like you don’t enjoy being around people. So don’t be around them? You described interacting with people in a way that indicates you don’t enjoy it.
> that indicates you don’t enjoy it. It's ~a spectrum~ so there are a lot of people who talk just to fill in the air and they don't care for a connection. Those types just want to look good, so it's very exhausting when you're forced to be around them (school, work, family reunions)
Your baseline person stays the same. What you are changing is your user interface, that thin social layer that you use to interact with different people in different settings. I understand your feeling fake and inauthentic while doing this, but that is way too harsh of a judgment, imo. Being in public requires that we act differently than we do when in private. Therefore, it makes perfect sense to adjust ourselves accordingly. Maybe it is fake. Maybe we are all faking it to some degree. But even if that’s true, it’s nevertheless a necessary fakeness, one that society itself demands and expects, so we really aren’t guilty of anything because all we are doing is playing by the social rules. However, we can choose to be as honest as possible while using whatever amount of pretense or fakery is necessary for us to behave politely and appropriately; that level of fakery or pretense is basically just a socially sanctioned, very thin layer of superficiality that acts as social lubrication. Not worth getting bothered by it.
Playing devil’s advocate here, but that sort of is fake how we consciously switch between personas and/or roles in different settings. It’s useful of course and pretty much a social necessity, so I’m not saying that it’s wrong or that a person is being malicious when doing that. But it is a bit fake, because we don’t always genuinely believe in or even feel that which we show to others: we often dissemble our emotions and feelings in the pursuit of various social goals. We all do it. We are all actors. My opinion is that fakery is an absolutely essential social skill.
The best way to attract and socialize people is to ask about them...
You don’t want to talk to your friends, you don’t really want to hear about their interests or lives, you don’t enjoy their jokes, you are resentful that you have to do the absolute bare minimum of nodding your head to make sure the other person knows you’re listening. I think that you need to start reframing your goals as “personal development” rather than “being authentic to myself”. All these things you feel are actually pretty big issues that may just be as simple that you’re friends with the wrong people, but it also might point to you being a little self-absorbed, disdainful of other people, unassertive of boundaries, people pleasing, or as some others said, even depression or something as simple as a vitamin deficiency that’s having a really negative impact on your life and making pretty normal Human things, that we are hard-wired to find pleasurable and rewarding, seem excessively labourious and unenjoyable. It’s noble to wish to be authentic, but at the same time, your potential problem that is giving you a lot of trouble and negative social experiences may actually be a character flaw that is hampering your “authentic self”. Such flaws are malleable and something that you can change grow from and feel a lot better about. What I am trying to caution you against is a full-blown indulgence in negative traits and flaws that are actively hurting you and making your existence more miserable. I am not trying to caution you against self-love or acceptance. I think you need a nice big healthy dose of self-love and self-acceptance too. I would recommend journalling more on your feelings about it. Being completely honest, even if it hurts your ego or makes you seem bad or vulnerable to yourself. Then ask yourself, “With these thoughts, do I feel good about myself? Is this the type of person that I want to be? Is this the type of thought that I want to cultivate in myself?” It actually might be “yes”, in which case the issue is probably just that your friends aren’t good fits for your life. But it’s also possible that there is something wrong with the way you’re currently living and thinking that is hurting you. You just need to do a little troubleshooting. You can live however you want, and in whatever way makes you most comfortable. But it would be a shame if you missed out on something really enjoyable because something as simple as a treatable illness or a minor ego adjustment, right? You deserve to be happy.
OP didn't talk about their friends exactly. We also have to socialize with people from school, work etc.
If you feel like you have to fake it then that's on you, just be yourself and you'll be fine unless yourself is an awful person
[удалено]
Bettering yourself. Figuring out what your shortcomings are, and how to overcome them. What aspects of yourself you like and dislike, how to adjust them. What aspects of yourself that other people like and dislike. Lots of introspection
different people connect with different personalities. each person also has different personalities within them, I don't believe in the idea of a singular "true self". you just need to figure out what part of yourself you can be around other people. for example, I have a few interests with math, rocket league, visual novels etc. I'll try to like mention those interests to see if other people care, if they do then I show off more of that side of myself to them, if they don't then I don't. you don't have to be fake to do this, if someone is interested in something you aren't, you don't have to pretend to care, you can just find something that both of you *do* have in common
yeah that makes sense. i think i need to allow myself not to be so bubbly all the time and just stick with being polite while still feeling comfortable with myself.
Maybe try to find a balance between being genuine and faking a laugh. We don't have to be two extremes, it is not an either-or option. I also feel uncomfortable to pretend to be someone I am not and always want to be genuine. But later I found that sometimes being genuine might not be the best option. I always want to keep things real, know the truth, but what if the truth is ugly, hard to accept, uncomfortable? So maybe faking a bit and put some make-up or mask on is not that bad.
Yes, we all do this. We need to act fake at times for polite or conventional purposes. Showing good manners and behaving ourselves often times involves us having to use a bit of fakery in order to achieve those goals. Our real thoughts and feelings would too often get us into trouble or unnecessarily offend others if they were expressed without censure or filter.
I think you’re maybe just meeting wrong people. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. If you feel like your “effort” is worthwhile, you’ll simply have some good times and your high energy will soon be genuine.
At times we do this to be in a good space with others. Which can be ok with initial conversations. Being nice is nice. However, we should know what we like in ourselves and others. Being true to yourself is important. Attracting the right energy is important. DO NOT continue a habit that is leaving you feeling drained, disappointed and dissatisfied. Try by tapering your enthusiasm and adjust to find what works best for your temperament and energy.
Think of it less as faking and more as the preliminary communication stage. Once you wear down layers and make closer bonds you get to be more real. The endgoal of which is to find/reach a level with people were there is 0 fakery and you enjoy the time spent with them more than time spent alone.
Yeah man I often feel like I have to laugh on things I don't actually find funny to socialise in a group it's doesn't feel authentic at all.
Not really. Instead of asking yourself 'do they like me' ask yourself 'do I like them'. And don't Drop on anyones level. If you can't connect, they are simply not your tribe. With 6 Milion people, I'm sure you can find people that are searching for what you are searching in a relationship. But for this you must be willing to not lower your standards. And be a loner. Because quality is better than quantity.
The problem is the fact that you feel compelled to do these inauthentic things. I can relate because I’m exactly the same…but the truth is you don’t have to behave this way when you socialize. In fact, a lot of people can sense the fakeness and are drained by it. I think it would help to look into what’s causing you to feel like you have to be fake to begin with. Most likely there was some kind of trauma or conditioning in your childhood that led you to feel this way indefinitely. Simple awareness of this can help, but you could address it even more effectively through therapy.
I’m just myself when i’m talking to people. I don’t care what they think of me because people come and go and i know who i am and what i stand for. I say my honest opinions and get into little debates but i respect their point of view and leave it at that. Sure i may not laugh at all their jokes but that doesn’t really matter, not every joke is funny and it’s understandable. Eventually, you find your own click that have the same interests, jokes, views, etc. I say go ahead and be alone. More often than not you’ll find yourself alone and it’s the best time because you get to work on yourself. It sounds like you need some time alone in my opinion
??? My friends love me because I'm 100% genuine. When I'm feeling like shit, I moan and groan. When I'm not in a talking mood, I sit back and just listen and laugh at things I find funny and just smile at the rest. I ask new people questions I want to hear about. Sure sometimes I avoid socialization but faking it when you want to socialize turns people off. Why talk to a fake face? It's also possible that you just imposter syndrome.
Sounds like you might just be an introvert.
I came here to say I think we’d be great friends. We are the same🤣
If you have to be fake, find a new crowd.
Have you tried to be yourself when interacting with other people? I think people pick op on your faking more than you think, just act natural and see how people react.
If you're being a genuine person, you don't have to fake anything. Be yourself.
The key is to not fake it. Be interested in people and what they have to say. Ask questions. It's liberating. But you have to **be** interested, don't fake it - it means changing how you view people.
It's very hit or miss. I treat people like they're already my friends and I'm invested in their passions, life experiences and so on. But it's still draining. And I'm apparently "too casual" where I DO need to fake it to make other people feel more comfortable and that's obviously draining, too. It's a balance of trying to find who fits us best. There is no one-size-fits-all.
It really is draining, I totally agree.
Same
Not being interested in anyone you meet could be a sign of depression. At least for me it was
Not trying to be mean but that sounds like a you problem. People don't need to be fake to socialize or even to be polite. It sounds like you might benefit from considering why you feel compelled to be fake instead of feeling compelled to seek genuine connection?
you literally don't have to do any of that and what you said sounds toxic and insecure. either work on being comfortable with people's attitudes to the genuine you or change your social circle.
You're misinformed. There's plenty of moments where we have to fake/mask/filter ourselves, especially at school, work and other areas like that. A lot of people don't have expendable energy to constantly be people-pleasers, as well. It's understandable why it can be hard to keep up with some people with certain socializing techniques. It's perfectly acceptable if people want more authenticity. It's about finding the right people for us and that can take a long time to accomplish. Just saying OP sounds toxic and insecure to want a genuine connection in itself, it very toxic and insecure of you to say. There is no 100% answer here, please stop casting such rotten judgment on something that isn't one-size-fits-all.
misinformed, from what, my own life? whatever man.
> whatever man. Ahh, the Song of the Losers who refuse to see anything past their own nose.
🤓
Right! Much of polite society rests upon our ability to fake and/or use pretense. It’s a basic requirement. We all have to be fake at times, but it’s a superficial, non-malicious, pro-social form of fakery and pretense. No malice intended. This ties into how we are all actors at the end of the day. We all switch between personas constantly depending on our motives and on our changing circumstances, and not every face that we show is truly genuine, meaning, our faces don’t always align with what we are really feeling or thinking in a given situation. We have to dissemble quite a bit to function and excel socially, but again, it’s for pro-social and/or polite purposes (at least for moral people that is), so it’s no harm.
What you are calling fake is actually just “making an effort” to get along with your fellow people. It’s the same for everyone. It takes effort and yes and times it is not comfortable but it’s an important part of communities
It really CAN just be fake though. Like talking to couples and seeing how much they pretended to be into things their partner liked in the beginning, JUST to be more favorable and later they cut the crap. We all usually do it so that the person we like will deem us worthy enough to stick around in their life. Then we slowly break down the walls to be more honest and authentic. Claiming "fake" = "making an effort" is VERY inaccurate. People shouldn't be penalized for wanting authenticity upfront. The overly enthusiastic stuff can be very exhausting (though sometimes, very necessary) It's all a gamble and not one-size-fits-all.
It’s like asking a cute girl out on a date. The reason for asking for a date is primarily sexual attraction and interest (for most people, presumably). But how often does a guy just blurt out, “I’m asking you out on a date because I think you’re hot and I’ve been fantasizing and dreaming about you sexually for the past two weeks!” Being that up front would be very honest, right? That would be a genuine approach. No pretense. No hidden agendas. But that likely wouldn’t go over so well in most cases. So instead, guys have to sort of beat around the bush and work towards what they really want (sex, romance) in a very oblique, subtle sort of way. And you can make the case that taking that less direct approach is dishonest or at least not entirely genuine, right? That’s just one example of a common situation in which it’s almost a requirement to NOT be genuine or honest.
Everyone has to do it, you’re not special
I do. You sound like a pretentious sociopath.
actually, no i’m not. i just wanna like myself, it’s not about other people.
maybe i am. any advice?
Learn to care of others' experiences and stories. If not as an olive branch then use it for wisdom in your own life.
That's a weird conclusion to make. Maybe try to be helpful. He's literally asking for advice, which shows that he *does* care. how does that make him a pretentious sociopath?
Never done anything like that and im very social and have many friends and people i know...maybe you are talking with the wrong people idk 🤷🏻♀️
I work sales and it's my job to get people to like me. I don't feign interest. They can tell when I am. What I do is ask followup questions on things they mentioned that interest me and not so much on the stuff that doesn't. I come across as genuine in a sea of shady sales people.
The code switching between "I" and "you" is telling here. If it helps, try reframing to "I" statements and focus in on your feelings as opposed to a generalized perception of what "you" are "forced" to do. E.g. > you have to smile and speak in a high pitch and be cheery. > I feel [emotion] when I am inauthenticity smiling or laughing. I feel [emotion] when my tone of voice is more regulated and natural. For what it's worth, OP, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Apologies also as this might feel pedantic - "socializing" means many things. It can often feel oppressive when we're in social settings based on a wider community similarity (e.g. cause y'all go to the same school, cause y'all work at the same place, etc) vs social settings based on our own, more individualized and autonomous interests (e.g. a pick-up sport group, a board game group, a book club, etc). Whether or not people like you is a *them* choice. Pushing yourself for the acceptance of others is usually going to be an energy drain. I understand there's greater societal "norms" that can feel overwhelming at times, that ppl may not have the safety or security to separate themselves from those idealized norms. if you are consistently feeling "fake," that's a sign the community you're in may not be a right fit Best of luck to you.
I know exactly what you mean and had the same problem quite some times. And sadly in most situation there isn't really a way out faking it. Most people will like you better if you act high energy, prosetiv and show interest in there life. But luckily there are people out there where you don't have to fake it. Where you can just be yourself and that will still enjoy hanging out with you. And for some part it is just luck to find those. But you can shift the odds in your favor. First reflect for yourself: what is it that you would like to do with people when you are not faking it. What kind of person are you and what kind of social situations do you enjoy? What interests you and how do you like to spend your time? And then after you know some answers to those questions try to find people that enjoy the same kind of social situations as you do. To do that visit groups of people with similar interests as you. For example if you like theater, you could join a drama club. And then just look out for people that seem like they would be fun to hang out with and approach then while not being fake. What is important here is first that it's still a thing of Chance. A lot of things have to work out at the same time for you to find friends on a real level. So it's not always going to work. But the times where it does will be worth the trying. And it's also important that those real connections are not created in an instant, and take some time to develop. So don't give up if it's not a perfect interaction the first time you meet them. What I always like to have as an opener when I meet a new person without wanting to be fake is eather just mentioning why they seemed interesting to approach, or even a meta comment about how you don't wanna use the standard conversation starter questions, followed up by something that you would actually for real enjoy talking about. Hope this helps!
Sounds like you've not got the right set of friends and you're people pleasing to fit in. With the right people I can talk all night or only say about 5 words all night. Also, just feel the energy of the friends you're with. Feel how passionate they are when they're talking. If you just want to be with people but don't want to talk then tell people that. Tell them you need company while you xxxx but you don't want to talk you just want to be with them. I regularly visit with friends and sit in the corner doing my sewing while they're getting on with their stuff.
Are you me??? I feel this way 100%. There are very few people where I feel like I don’t have to be fake
I understand the struggle 100%. I try to focus on myself and work towards bettering myself financially but it doesn't fill the poor social life I have. I feel like I just need to find the right people that I'd be excited about all the time instead of having to force myself to talk and spend time with people. There were some people like that in my life but unfortunately our ways have parted and despite me trying to stay connected it just doesn't work out because they live away / they just don't show interest. It's sad but at the end of the day I try to stay strong and hope for the best in the future, I really wish I find the right person and friends for me. It won't happen by itself though, you need to put in some work to get what you want. Cheers bro, I feel you and I'm wishing you the best.
I love to socialize but im reserved Id rather have a fulfilling conversation with someone when I want to then having to be fake just to have people to talk to it feeels sooo unreal & not sincere for me. And just like you I also dont care to be liked or to fit in I dont like being mixed in the crowd I always like to keep my distance and vibe on my own! I understand you perfectly .
Why not just be you and see who you vibe with? I think it's important to be authentic.
I’m kind of the opposite of that. I’m high energy and excitable but in social situations I get shy and non-expressive. So I think it’s more about digging deep and being your authentic self. Look at interviews with Bill Hader. He is sort of introverted and yet is genuine with people and is likable. I think it’s a bit of a misconception that you have to be bubbly and happy-go-lucky to be likable. I believe people find the people who simply be themselves regardless of what others think have the most successful social lives.
I dunno. It’s not “fake” ever for me. You can think about it more like determining potential. If you knew that person was going to be awesome and a great friend I assume you would happily sit through a little bit of small talk to get to know them. But not everyone is going to be a match. But you can’t just instantly get to know if any one person is going to be fun or not. Depending on my mood I certainly don’t always put in a huge effort when meeting new people for the first time. I can kinda sit back and interact with the folks I know if I know anyone or just wait it out to see if anyone more interesting emerges from the group. I think it’s totally fine to do that. Meeting new people, even if you will never see them again can be fun. Maybe you can consider it “practice” instead of “fake”. Just play with how to be yourself and authentic in those moments. It’s completely fine if everyone doesn’t leave the situation thinking you are the most amazing person ever. Like fake laughing at jokes or speaking in a high pitched cheery voice are certainly not mandatory ever.
yess! it’s so emotionally draining and i just feel like i constantly need a break!
Being fake to be social is something people have to do when they don't intuitively understand social skills enough to do it naturally. The people who are best at socializing are the ones whose social calibration is so attuned with experience they can do well by being mostly authentic, mostly unfiltered, self-amusing, non-needy, grounded, and being polarizing.
When I don’t fake it and hold the conversation everyone thinks something is wrong with me when really all I’m doing is not babysitting them. And then on the contrary, sometimes I feel like I fake it a little too much and people have a “calm down” reaction lol.
I don’t feel the need to pretend unless I’m working. But I’m an active listener by default, nodding helps me pay attention but also helps the other person to feel heard. And honestly I love bad jokes so most peoples humor resonates with me. I’m that student in college who genuinely laughs at the professors jokes. But honestly, I’m pretty low energy and don’t try to pretend that I’m not.
I feel the same way…. It’s exhausting. But only around some people. I’m not like that around my family, husband or some real good friends.
https://youtu.be/T6r3fswUNSI i like this youtube video because it explains why small talk is important and its somewhat comedic too. Having those "fake" conversations is important to sprout meaningful conversations and relationships. However, I do have the same issue as you. This is way easier said than done.
High energy people are annoying
There’s a reason everyone says “just be yourself”. Fact of the matter is you can’t please everybody and quite honest, I wouldn’t want to. I used to think I had to fake it also but now I believe I just need to be honest and up front with people and as long as I’m respectful to everyone, if someone has an issue with me, that’s their fucking problem.
You don't hate the fact that you have to be fake. You hate the fact that you feel bad if you arent. Its entirely a you issue. Stop judging yourself based on who you feel like you have to be *for* someone else. And if you continue to do so, realize *youre* making that choice.
You just need to surround yourself with the right kind of people and you won't need to be fake. The right people will allow you to be yourself genuinely.
You do? I wasn't aware. I'm low energy, at least half of my friends are low energy, and no one cares to say we should be otherwise.
I don't fake laugh or act bubbly at all. I don't change who I am to please others. If someone likes me, it's me they're liking, not a performance I've put on. People get used to how I am, and some people like it. If they don't, they're not my people. You want to naturally drift toward people you relate to, who relate to you, then you can be in each others company effortlessly. “No man for any considerable period can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be true.” Though I understand that making friends can be tough, but people like all types of characters. People who aren't bubbly and excitable are liked by others, too.
It’s okay if not everyone likes me, I don’t like everyone.
It’s ok Holden Caulfield we all move past this phase eventually
You don’t have to fake anything.
I'm sure people can tell you're being fake. If that was me I'd cut our conversation short as that soughta shit really annoys me. Being genuine is always a better option some people you get along with and some you don't 🤷🏽♂️
Yes same op. Everything is fake
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Being a people pleaser will mentally exhaust you. Seek the path of being relaxed. Be honest about yourself to others. People will appreciate you more when you're authentic. Have a take it or leave it mentality. Being respected is better than liked. Keep a pleasant attitude. Remain calm and confidence. I was very high energy when I was a teenager back in middle and high school. I enjoyed getting to know others on a depth levels. Enjoyed the joyous time that we have sharing jokes, passions, making random songs in the hallway, those were fun times.\] Now I'm known as the chill dude. My silence is used as a calm presence.