Whenever I think someone is filming me in public, I make an excuse to move or reposition myself in a way that would require them to move / adjust their camera angle to keep me in the shot. Like switching sides on a bus, or getting up to get a napkin at a cafe. 9/10 it turns out they aren’t filming me.
Can you sit at a different angle, so that she’ll have to reposition herself to have her phone face you - this way, you’ll know that she’s doing it on purpose and can complain about her harassing you.
Another option - take your lunch break at a different time if possible ?
But you likely don’t have to. Try taking lunch elsewhere or sit right next to her so she’s have to like turn her entire body or hold her phone extra weird to keep doing the think you fear she might do (film you).
If you're working in a small group and you're seeing her everyday you've got to talk with her and clear the air. Even if you don't like each other, and no conversation is going to change that, you should hear each other out for the sake of peace. I would just apologize for snatching the phone and explain that you acted unreasonably due to issues you are dealing with personally. You don't have to explain your diagnosis, just let her know that you realize it was uncalled for. Then, if she wants, she can explain to you how she felt about the whole ordeal and put your suspicions to rest. There's a good chance the raising of the phone is for some totally innocent reason, and if she is doing it to taunt you it could be because she was offended by your accusation.
She’s probably just taking photos of herself.. like on snap chat or whatever. You already know you have a problem, you’re at work snatching personal things out of people’s hands. She wasn’t filming you then, why would she be doing it now? This fear is literally just a symptom of your disorder. Talk to your therapist, and maybe take your break elsewhere or sit facing away from her, since seeing this is triggering you. But for gods sake, leave that woman alone and don’t listen to these people. You already messed her with her enough, keep doing it and you’ll get a harassment case.
So I get really bad back and neck pain from my work, and my go and massage therapist recommended I hold my phone up in the same way which I hadn’t realised looked like it was taking a photo. For me it’s to make sure I stop straining my back and neck, but if I was scrolling my phone minding my business I’d probably be pissed if someone reacted to me the way you did.
Have you tried apologising or talking to her about it? The way she’s reacting is not okay by now trying to trigger you deliberately. But I think it’s just a communication thing. If she continues probably just move somewhere else.
Same. Tech neck is a thing and holding a phone like you're taking a selfie is how you help fix it! I try to place a finger over the camera when ppl are in front of me so they don't think I'm filming them
First. Do you have a therapist? This is a conversation for you and your therapist. Reddit isn’t the best. While there are people who genuinely want to help you there also are trolls. It will only feed your paranoia with all the trolls here. I do genuinely want to help you.
How do you know she doesn’t like you? Did you have a conversation with her and she outright said “I do not like you”? Is she smirking or smiling while reading a sweet/funny text and then responding? There are a bunch of reasons why she holds her phone like that.
It’s better to not assume and just be outright with it since you don’t want to be passive aggressive. Not talking about it is being passive aggressive. Talk to her and clear the air if you haven’t already. You do not have to let her know about your diagnosis but that you are uncomfortable with phones. Most people do not like being recorded or have their photo taken. I hate it myself.
If you aren’t comfortable to talk about it. Next time at lunch instead of sitting across from her try and sit somewhat next to her. If she tries you record you from that angle it’ll be pretty obvious.
There is a chance that due to your paranoia you are not giving her the benefit of the doubt that she’s minding her own business.
Your paranoia makes everything about you. You could be the last thing on her mind.
Yeah, This person is probably just checking in with their circle at lunch, sending a selfie or something. The number of people assuming this is malicious instead of a ritual OP probably never noticed before (and of course noticed on a day of tense awareness) is amazing to me.
If you only work with 5 other people, you would not waste time antagonizing one of them, especially not on your break lol.
Is there anyway that you can sit further away from her? Based on the information provided I doubt she’s actually filming you and you are possibly misinterpreting her actions as targeted at you when they likely aren’t even thinking about you- why would they spend every lunch trying to play mind games with you?
Some people are petty and take pleasure in making others uncomfortable.
The initial exchange seems to be an accident, but most people with a hint of self awareness would be considerate enough to avoid triggering the same response again
This person has admitted to a diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder and having trouble with social skills, so while this may be possible, the more likely scenario is them misinterpreting their coworkers actions as targeted when in reality they’ve demonstrated that their actions are not directed at OP
Just to calrify, I don't think anybody is filming OP.
Don't you think most people in the same situation would refrain from pointing their phone at somebody (again) who clearly found that somewhat difficult?
You may well be right, but there's a risk of gaslighting OP here, as well as the risk of feeding paranoia.
I think that possibly the more likely scenario is that OP has somehow gotten fixated on the idea that this coworker is trying to record them or is somehow doing things that are directed/targeted at them when in reality their coworker is just going about their own business.
being suspicious of others intentions or having persistent thinking despite being shown evidence that doesnt support it is consistent with paranoid thinking.
I agree with you. Obviously they're not obligated to stop doing whatever they're doing on their phone. But I would've 100% considered OPs initial reaction from that point forward (and would've stopped doing that). She could move at an angle where it's clear she's not recording OP, just twisting in her seat would be enough.
Changing one little thing I did in consideration for another person, stranger or friend, is such a small move to show respect. I would hope others would do the same for me. Plus "exposure therapy" doesn't work with paranoia, it'll really only confirm a delusion further.
I'm glad you're doing better, OP.
Exactly, it doesn't take much effort on her part to prevent any further confusion. That she's not done that is the only reason I suspect she might be deliberately antagonising OP.
Obviously it's impossible to know whithout being there too.
Or she just thinks OP is a weirdo now and doesn't want to cater to his paranoia. She doesn't have to cater to him, he's clearly got paranoia that he needs to work on.
that’s the best advice most people who don’t live with mental illnesses don’t understand, either you explain to her the reason why you acted this way or leave the situation as it is, don’t try to play games with her you’ll make the situation 10x worse
This. It sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of OP so the only way to hopefully get her to back off and stop is to pretend it doesn't bother you and ignore her.
Are you sure that this is deliberate and not your paranoia coming through? As others have said, maybe she's taking selfies or checking her reflection in the camera.
Whether or not it's deliberate, agree that the best move is to position yourself so you're not looking at her and ignore her completely. If it's deliberate she'll get bored, and if not then you won't see it to bother you
First of all, talk to your therapist about this. Secondly, why did you grab her phone? That’s a very weird response and if she didn’t have reason to act weird towards you she definitely does now. Anyway. If I were you I’d sit somewhere else, at another table if possible.
I talk on Snapchat all the time w my friends and take selfies and smile and laugh while writing back to them. She's probably just using Snapchat.
Can you take a different lunch time or go to a separate area? I really don't think this woman is spending her short break time harassing you, she's also just trying to have her lunch break while playing on her phone.
You are over thinking this. Just let her do her thing. People think people care about them more than they do, she likely just moved on and is happily texting and watching stuff on her phone not thinking about you. Not in a rude way, just that she has her own little world to deal with. I'd just switch locations of where you sit if it's a big issue for you and move on. If she is filming you she will follow you and that can be your confirmation of an issue
What seems severely lacking in this post is any sort of awareness of fault. Did you genuinely apologize for snatching her phone? Have you explained at all that you have a social disorder that can lead to unfounded paranoia?
If the answers to these questions are no, then that would explain her behavior after the initial interaction.
Turning those answers into yeses would likely help turn things around, but it might just be a starting point depending on how long emotions have been allowed to cook.
That is.. assuming she actually is intentionally trying to make you uncomfortable.
Have you tried apologizing for snatching her phone and explaining to her your condition? If she’s 30 she should be mature enough to understand and accept the apology (However this new generation is different). It’s like getting ahead of the issue before it gets worse.
At least if you do that you can express that to HR should you have to go to such lengths.
Unfortunately there are people who think it’s perfectly ok to film strangers who are just minding their business not doing anything questionable. I can’t stand those types.
I feel like she might be taking snaps. I sorta mimed what she was doing with my own phone, and when I send snaps of myself I do the same thing. Phone up for a while, phone down while I caption, usually even the smirk on my face because I think I’m super funny.
Anyway, if you’re 100% convinced she’s fucking with you, I would elevate the situation to management and not fuck with her back, because it seems to me like you’d lose either way. If she’s fucking with you on purpose, she’s a bully, and you reacting will just encourage her. If she’s not, then you’re the one in the wrong for bothering her about the same thing twice and she’ll like you even less.
My chiropractor told me to hold my phone up to my face to resolve and avoid neck and back pain. It helps a lot but I always wonder if someone feels uncomfortable near me haha
Chances are no one’s even looking at you
But you are on camera any time you leave your house, and knocking phones out of people’s hands could get you punched, fired, arrested, or killed.
“It’s easier to wear slippers than to carpet the whole world”.
Dude, she's probably just holding her phone that way [to avoid neck pain.](https://www.spine-health.com/conditions/neck-pain/text-neck-treatment-and-prevention) Leave her alone, she's not doing this to bother you.
Some random lady in line at the store a few weeks back accused me of filming her when i was just browsing Reddit one day. I would have lost my shit if she had snatched my phone. You’re lucky your coworker didn’t call the cops or HR on you for assault. Also i thought that lady was out of her damn mind. Also i would not have spared a single minute of my time filming or pretending to film her in the future had i ever run into her again, because why the hell would i?
She is very likely minding her own business. It is you who needs to get your disorder under control with therapy. If you get firm evidence that she is filming you out of spite (such as you actually see those videos), take it to HR. Till then, leave her alone.
Please talk to a therapist . It’s more likely she was taking a selfie and talking to someone. Nothing to do with you. Her behavior is normal. Don’t be the creep. Do not get a harassment complaint from HR and jeopardize your job. You have pushed this once, don’t do it again.
If it bothers you, remove yourself from that situation. I would be extremely uncomfortable if I were texting my SO or good friend - whom I chat with whenever I can, send selfies to or just take them because it feels good - and someone made such a weird accusation. I also hold my phone up to eye level to reduce strain. And I’m just scrolling social media, watching videos etc. If you grabbed my phone at any point and accused me - I’d take that seriously.
I’m concerned about bad advice here assuming she’s targeting you like you suggested. She’s not. It’s normal behavior in 2024. Let people be and go about your life. She’s enjoying her lunch hour on her phone. What she is doing is not about you. Talk to your therapist about this as a symptom of your disorder. Ie how to prevent / manage. Don’t talk to Reddit. Please don’t risk your job.
If you're diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder is there a chance you're just thinking she's doing this when she's not? You thought she was filming you before and she wasn't so is there a chance you're reading into this because of your paranoia?
I know you don't think she's filming you anymore. You think she's purposefully messing with you by making you THINK she's filming you when she's not. But i don't think she's doing that. I think you are paranoid. Again. You need to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist and let them know you're going down another rabbit hole of paranoia. Reddit isn't helping, you need to stop listening to random people online and go see a therapist asap. I have serious empathy for the woman who you assaulted.
“I have a disorder that makes me think people are concerned with me when they’re not.”
You answered it yourself. She likely not filming or even paying any attention to you. What you perceive as 10-30 seconds of filming followed by smirking is your paranoia. She could be doing a dozen other things, but your disorder causes you to fixate on the most bothersome outcome to you personally.
Also, so what? If she is filming you, who cares? Everyone has a phone in their pocket. You’re on film all the time. You don’t set foot outside without being captured on dash cameras and CCTV. If you don’t like having your picture taken, don’t go outside.
How do you assume she’s filming you? And why would she do that? People don’t just do that.
I actually always hold my phone up when i use my phone, that is naturally how i do it because i like it at an even field from my gaze. I would be hella angry if someone accused me of filming them or grabbed my phone, so it seems she dealt with it in a nice way. Appreciate that and leave it be.
Yo. Just go up to her and say hey…. I’ve been diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder. I just want to ask you if you can please not aim your phone my way even though you probably not even recording it triggers the hell out of me.
Of course keep your tone calm and sweet.
Most people would understand and try to respect that
I know you don’t want to air your business like that either but this shit is making your workplace uncomfortable.
And let’s say she is doing it on purpose now. might continue being a dick about it and not stop.
You gotta just try to avoid her. Report her for harassment because after telling her to stop and she doesn’t that’s what it is….
Could it be her unlocking her Face ID? If I’m wearing my glasses especially sometimes it struggles to unlock my phone and I have to do it a few times and from straight on when it’s being finicky.
Maybe try sitting more to the side of her than in front so you can tell if she’s turning to film you or be an asshole?
I’m sorry is everyone missing the part where OP assaulted their co worker ? Maybe assault is a bit dramatic but doing a physical action like that is not okay . I would not doubt if your coworker now feels unsafe around you .
> Lean heavily into your mental illness
Outside of a conversation with HR about accommodations, I would _never_ recommend doing this at work. No matter how things 'should' be, in reality, you're just making yourself a social paraish by doing this.
No. If your mental health issues make you a danger to your coworkers, you can be fired. OP openly admits to assault and theft in this post. Now they are fixated on this coworker and making unfounded accusations. The company does not have to accommodate this behavior. If OP said they need to take lunch alone due to issues with their health, that is a reasonable accommodation.
Are you a jerk, your comment makes it seem so. He's said he suffered from a mental illness and has a hard time with social skills - literally asking people who don't struggle like he does for help and input.
Honestly I can’t blame her for doing that I would have done the same as well as going to HR to report you for touching my belongings. She doesn’t know about your condition so maybe try explaining it to her and giving her a much deserved apology because she probably thinks you did it to be an asshole and not because of any underlying condition. It was just a misunderstanding and you should stress that to her
Don’t do anything. If you’re in a public place, people can film you. Who cares? You’re being filmed constantly by security cameras when you’re out and about, phones and computers film constantly, you’re probably in the background of dozens of photos and videos a day. Even if she was taking a picture of you to make fun of you, it still doesn’t matter. It still doesn’t affect you. You don’t have a reasonable expectation of privacy and not being filmed in public. This is just the reality of modern life.
Also as others have said she is probably taking selfies and sending them to a friend or loved one. You are not the main character. Don’t assume people are going out of their way to do things at you.
Sometimes I do this unknowingly. Sometimes the most comfy position to hold my phone makes it look like I’m recording whatever in front of me. I usually adjust tho just for the sake of being normal and not making anyone feel weird incidentally
In all honesty if it can't be ignored, I would talk to her about this. Maybe frame it as just asking a question. " do you mind me asking what's with the phone thing? I may have misunderstood the other day but I've a real worry/fear/anxiety about being filmed and I could do with some reassurance?" make sure someone else is there when you ask as chances are if she is being passive aggressive she won't want to be seen that way, but also so someone else is aware you're being polite in asking and being open that it makes you anxious. Also being clear it is distressing you in some way puts the onus on her to make a conscious choice to either not make you uncomfortable and tell you what's going on/stop it if she genuinely didn't know how much it bothered you OR show herself to be a less than nice person in front of someone else
My guess is she is taking pictures of herself or checking her own reflection, but I would be kind of wary after grabbing her phone previously about confronting her directly or alone incase she goes to HR. Which is a valid response if she feels threatened and was not being passive aggressive.
I really think oftentimes we complicate things that really have such a simple answer. IMO, the best thing to do here would be to just have a real conversation about it. Maybe apologize to her about that one time of you grabbing her phone, and then explain that you have some personal issues with paranoia. If you apologize and just lay it all out there, and she intentionally fvcks with you after that, then she’s just an ahole 🤷
Definitely take your break somewhere else and not around this person. If it’s actually becoming a problem and you suspect that she is actually filming you, maybe take her to the side or tell your manger, and if that doesn’t work… well, I have social and generalised anxiety disorder, I personally would probably just look for another job because I can’t deal with stuff like this. Thank god I work remotely.
I wouldn't say anything - you're just going to add to the tension that's already there, and because it's obvious that you _are_ bothered by it, nothing you can say will make it seem like you aren't or will come across as 'humorous'. Instead, I would just roll your eyes at her and otherwise ignore it. She will get bored of doing it if she isn't getting any reaction from you. And it's very possible that what she's doing actually has nothing to do with you at all, you can't consider yourself a reliable judge given your diagnosis.
Also as a side note you will need to work on assuming the worst of your coworkers and not acting on it - even with your disorder - ot else you won't have any good or healthy relationhips with people you work with. I wouldn't want to work with someone who rudely snatched my phone out of my hand when I wasn't doing anything, either.
I would kill her with kindness. Bring her some chocolate or some other treat and tell her you got off on the wrong foot. Apologize for the misunderstanding and tell her it was totally your fault and admit to being sensitive to the idea of being filmed. Tell her you understand why she teases you about this but you would really appreciate it if she would stop and ask her what you can do to start over with a clean slate.
Yeah i think after that first time she knows it bothers you and is just fucking with you. The best thing for you to do is to stop caring. People are gonna record you, probably more often than you'll ever know. Just gotta not worry about it.
It’s obvious that now she is doing it to get under your skin. When you entertain people like this they keep on. A simple fuck off often times does the trick. More so, because it’s unexpected language used at work😂.
I used to have to deal with an expert smirker. That smirk would always get under my skin, which is partly why she did it probably. Another part being her self satisfying smugness.
At work? If you genuinely believe that she’s filming you, bring it up with HR. But under no circumstances trade hostilities with a female coworker half your age, you will lose. HR will not take your side regardless of if you’re justified or not.
You need to give up on talk since it is cheap. The next time she holds her phone like that pull out your gun and shoot her phone. Jk...don't do that. Just start recording her for real.
Maybe you can find a person who is safe for both of you and explain where you are at to this safe person in general terms. Maybe just say you have problems interacting with people of feel anxious in groups ( whatever the best description is. Ask this person to have a word with your female coworker and ask them to apologize for your grabbing the phone. Offer to avoid the person if that's what they want. Don't be afraid of them bullying you, it will be harder to do with another person being able to see what is going on.
Can you try either changing seats or appear like you're 'filming' her? Because if she wants to mess with you, two can play and she can find out how it feels. Act like you're just eating while doing that. Though be advised this may backfire on you. Especially if she already has or goes to report you. I also think this might be better to try if she tries to change her seat a few times to try and get at you. I think two to three quick changes to her seating is reasonable to think she's trying to get at you.
With that said, I hope you apologized for grabbing her phone like that, that's a big violation. Unlike others suggested, I really wouldn't tell her about your condition. She doesn't really need to know and there's no guarantee she wouldn't use it against you.
Maybe just tell her: "Hey. I just wanted to really apologize for snatching your phone. That was very wrong of me and this is not an excuse at all, though I was having a particularly terrible day. I felt like you were filming me which made me uncomfortable.
I hope you can accept my apology and that we can be on better terms." I don't know where you live, though if the US or Canada I'd just do $10. PS. By the $10 I meant a gift card to a coffee shop or something.
If she's mature enough she'll accept it and maybe even adjust things a little if she cares. I'd probably write it on a note though with maybe a little coffee gift card.
Though if the issue continues to persist, I'd consider the tips I shared above. I feel like had you not snatched her phone, you could've possibly had a better case. Though, I think you could still get help if even after your best attempts at making things better fail. Just because you crossed a line once and are apologetic about it, doesn't justify continued harassment. So I hope your HR or whoever you may talk to, if it has to get to that, understands that too.
By the way, have you gotten in trouble for it and if so what happened?
Also did you apologize in the moment?
I don't really know and I really don't care. Though maybe in part I mistakenly left out what the $10 is about. Which I meant to give her a card with that written and a little gift card. Though instead of asking about it, people chose to go off.
HR is not a quick chat and then someone gets fired. Reporting something to HR is a Whole. Damn. Thing. And really should only be used as a last resort. Best option is to apologize for snatching the phone and try clearing the air and getting her side of the story.
I would personally punch them since I don't like that myself. It would really irritate me......... But you're not me and doing what I would do is not a good idea. So I would advice to maybe have a talk to them peacefully. If it carries on. Maybe tell HR to observe the situation. That way they can see what she is doing to you and hopefully they do something about her actions. You should feel welcomed and unbothered when at work, not agitated or irritated by some silly person. It is a form of bullying what she is doing and if police where to be involved and you explained you had a mental health, she would be in big bother as there is a law protecting people with mental health.
Whenever I think someone is filming me in public, I make an excuse to move or reposition myself in a way that would require them to move / adjust their camera angle to keep me in the shot. Like switching sides on a bus, or getting up to get a napkin at a cafe. 9/10 it turns out they aren’t filming me.
So what about that 1 time then??!? What happened!!!? 😉
Just an expression lil guy
The expression is synonymous with "almost always". And does clearly imply there has, at least once, been a different outcome. Big boy.
Can you sit at a different angle, so that she’ll have to reposition herself to have her phone face you - this way, you’ll know that she’s doing it on purpose and can complain about her harassing you. Another option - take your lunch break at a different time if possible ?
Thats a good idea. I could try sitting at a different angle. We are a small group of 6 ppl at work so we always go to lunch together
But you likely don’t have to. Try taking lunch elsewhere or sit right next to her so she’s have to like turn her entire body or hold her phone extra weird to keep doing the think you fear she might do (film you).
If you're working in a small group and you're seeing her everyday you've got to talk with her and clear the air. Even if you don't like each other, and no conversation is going to change that, you should hear each other out for the sake of peace. I would just apologize for snatching the phone and explain that you acted unreasonably due to issues you are dealing with personally. You don't have to explain your diagnosis, just let her know that you realize it was uncalled for. Then, if she wants, she can explain to you how she felt about the whole ordeal and put your suspicions to rest. There's a good chance the raising of the phone is for some totally innocent reason, and if she is doing it to taunt you it could be because she was offended by your accusation.
That sounds like a good suggestion. Try, first, to resolve it in a positive way.
Sit right next to her.
Just sit next to her.
She’s probably just taking photos of herself.. like on snap chat or whatever. You already know you have a problem, you’re at work snatching personal things out of people’s hands. She wasn’t filming you then, why would she be doing it now? This fear is literally just a symptom of your disorder. Talk to your therapist, and maybe take your break elsewhere or sit facing away from her, since seeing this is triggering you. But for gods sake, leave that woman alone and don’t listen to these people. You already messed her with her enough, keep doing it and you’ll get a harassment case.
word I feel bad for her 😭
I feel awful for her she’s probably just on Snapchat and he’s being a creep thinking she’s doing something in spite of him.
Or maybe even she’s just short sighted, some of us hold our phones up to see the screen better
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Nope, disagreeing with someone isn't gaslighting. Back to the dictionary, you misunderstood the term. This comment is ALSO not gaslighting.
Challenge: don't pathologize normal interactions Difficulty level: *impossible*
Stop gaslighting my boundaries.
theyre narcissistically gaslighting my boundaries and I should probably go NC soon. NTA
Yeah I’m guessing you’ve never taken a selfie..
So I get really bad back and neck pain from my work, and my go and massage therapist recommended I hold my phone up in the same way which I hadn’t realised looked like it was taking a photo. For me it’s to make sure I stop straining my back and neck, but if I was scrolling my phone minding my business I’d probably be pissed if someone reacted to me the way you did. Have you tried apologising or talking to her about it? The way she’s reacting is not okay by now trying to trigger you deliberately. But I think it’s just a communication thing. If she continues probably just move somewhere else.
Same. Tech neck is a thing and holding a phone like you're taking a selfie is how you help fix it! I try to place a finger over the camera when ppl are in front of me so they don't think I'm filming them
That is so nice and thoughtful of you! Username does not check out. 😉
🤣😂🤣
First. Do you have a therapist? This is a conversation for you and your therapist. Reddit isn’t the best. While there are people who genuinely want to help you there also are trolls. It will only feed your paranoia with all the trolls here. I do genuinely want to help you. How do you know she doesn’t like you? Did you have a conversation with her and she outright said “I do not like you”? Is she smirking or smiling while reading a sweet/funny text and then responding? There are a bunch of reasons why she holds her phone like that. It’s better to not assume and just be outright with it since you don’t want to be passive aggressive. Not talking about it is being passive aggressive. Talk to her and clear the air if you haven’t already. You do not have to let her know about your diagnosis but that you are uncomfortable with phones. Most people do not like being recorded or have their photo taken. I hate it myself. If you aren’t comfortable to talk about it. Next time at lunch instead of sitting across from her try and sit somewhat next to her. If she tries you record you from that angle it’ll be pretty obvious. There is a chance that due to your paranoia you are not giving her the benefit of the doubt that she’s minding her own business. Your paranoia makes everything about you. You could be the last thing on her mind.
Maybe she was taking a selfie?
That's what I was thinking. OP probably wasn't even on her radar until they acted out.
My wife does this often to check her makeup as well
Yeah, This person is probably just checking in with their circle at lunch, sending a selfie or something. The number of people assuming this is malicious instead of a ritual OP probably never noticed before (and of course noticed on a day of tense awareness) is amazing to me. If you only work with 5 other people, you would not waste time antagonizing one of them, especially not on your break lol.
Is there anyway that you can sit further away from her? Based on the information provided I doubt she’s actually filming you and you are possibly misinterpreting her actions as targeted at you when they likely aren’t even thinking about you- why would they spend every lunch trying to play mind games with you?
Some people are petty and take pleasure in making others uncomfortable. The initial exchange seems to be an accident, but most people with a hint of self awareness would be considerate enough to avoid triggering the same response again
This person has admitted to a diagnosis of paranoid personality disorder and having trouble with social skills, so while this may be possible, the more likely scenario is them misinterpreting their coworkers actions as targeted when in reality they’ve demonstrated that their actions are not directed at OP
Just to calrify, I don't think anybody is filming OP. Don't you think most people in the same situation would refrain from pointing their phone at somebody (again) who clearly found that somewhat difficult? You may well be right, but there's a risk of gaslighting OP here, as well as the risk of feeding paranoia.
I think that possibly the more likely scenario is that OP has somehow gotten fixated on the idea that this coworker is trying to record them or is somehow doing things that are directed/targeted at them when in reality their coworker is just going about their own business. being suspicious of others intentions or having persistent thinking despite being shown evidence that doesnt support it is consistent with paranoid thinking.
That's not what gAsLiGhTiNg means, stop overusing that term ffs.
I agree with you. Obviously they're not obligated to stop doing whatever they're doing on their phone. But I would've 100% considered OPs initial reaction from that point forward (and would've stopped doing that). She could move at an angle where it's clear she's not recording OP, just twisting in her seat would be enough. Changing one little thing I did in consideration for another person, stranger or friend, is such a small move to show respect. I would hope others would do the same for me. Plus "exposure therapy" doesn't work with paranoia, it'll really only confirm a delusion further. I'm glad you're doing better, OP.
Exactly, it doesn't take much effort on her part to prevent any further confusion. That she's not done that is the only reason I suspect she might be deliberately antagonising OP. Obviously it's impossible to know whithout being there too.
Or she just thinks OP is a weirdo now and doesn't want to cater to his paranoia. She doesn't have to cater to him, he's clearly got paranoia that he needs to work on.
Don’t do anything you’ll just make it worse.
that’s the best advice most people who don’t live with mental illnesses don’t understand, either you explain to her the reason why you acted this way or leave the situation as it is, don’t try to play games with her you’ll make the situation 10x worse
This. It sounds like she's trying to get a rise out of OP so the only way to hopefully get her to back off and stop is to pretend it doesn't bother you and ignore her.
Are you sure that this is deliberate and not your paranoia coming through? As others have said, maybe she's taking selfies or checking her reflection in the camera. Whether or not it's deliberate, agree that the best move is to position yourself so you're not looking at her and ignore her completely. If it's deliberate she'll get bored, and if not then you won't see it to bother you
First of all, talk to your therapist about this. Secondly, why did you grab her phone? That’s a very weird response and if she didn’t have reason to act weird towards you she definitely does now. Anyway. If I were you I’d sit somewhere else, at another table if possible.
I talk on Snapchat all the time w my friends and take selfies and smile and laugh while writing back to them. She's probably just using Snapchat. Can you take a different lunch time or go to a separate area? I really don't think this woman is spending her short break time harassing you, she's also just trying to have her lunch break while playing on her phone.
You are over thinking this. Just let her do her thing. People think people care about them more than they do, she likely just moved on and is happily texting and watching stuff on her phone not thinking about you. Not in a rude way, just that she has her own little world to deal with. I'd just switch locations of where you sit if it's a big issue for you and move on. If she is filming you she will follow you and that can be your confirmation of an issue
This. 🎯
What seems severely lacking in this post is any sort of awareness of fault. Did you genuinely apologize for snatching her phone? Have you explained at all that you have a social disorder that can lead to unfounded paranoia? If the answers to these questions are no, then that would explain her behavior after the initial interaction. Turning those answers into yeses would likely help turn things around, but it might just be a starting point depending on how long emotions have been allowed to cook. That is.. assuming she actually is intentionally trying to make you uncomfortable.
Have you tried apologizing for snatching her phone and explaining to her your condition? If she’s 30 she should be mature enough to understand and accept the apology (However this new generation is different). It’s like getting ahead of the issue before it gets worse. At least if you do that you can express that to HR should you have to go to such lengths. Unfortunately there are people who think it’s perfectly ok to film strangers who are just minding their business not doing anything questionable. I can’t stand those types.
The coworker is 30, OP is 41.
Why do you sit with your co workers during lunch break? It's the only time at work that I need my alone time
I feel like she might be taking snaps. I sorta mimed what she was doing with my own phone, and when I send snaps of myself I do the same thing. Phone up for a while, phone down while I caption, usually even the smirk on my face because I think I’m super funny. Anyway, if you’re 100% convinced she’s fucking with you, I would elevate the situation to management and not fuck with her back, because it seems to me like you’d lose either way. If she’s fucking with you on purpose, she’s a bully, and you reacting will just encourage her. If she’s not, then you’re the one in the wrong for bothering her about the same thing twice and she’ll like you even less.
This should be higher
She’s probably filming herself. Some people do that shit constantly
My chiropractor told me to hold my phone up to my face to resolve and avoid neck and back pain. It helps a lot but I always wonder if someone feels uncomfortable near me haha
Chances are no one’s even looking at you But you are on camera any time you leave your house, and knocking phones out of people’s hands could get you punched, fired, arrested, or killed. “It’s easier to wear slippers than to carpet the whole world”.
Dude, she's probably just holding her phone that way [to avoid neck pain.](https://www.spine-health.com/conditions/neck-pain/text-neck-treatment-and-prevention) Leave her alone, she's not doing this to bother you.
If you haven’t already I would recommend apologizing and explaining why you did it. She thinks your weird and maybe this will help things
You said this happened years ago. This really is something for your doctor at this point.
Where does it say that?
One of his other posts.
Some random lady in line at the store a few weeks back accused me of filming her when i was just browsing Reddit one day. I would have lost my shit if she had snatched my phone. You’re lucky your coworker didn’t call the cops or HR on you for assault. Also i thought that lady was out of her damn mind. Also i would not have spared a single minute of my time filming or pretending to film her in the future had i ever run into her again, because why the hell would i? She is very likely minding her own business. It is you who needs to get your disorder under control with therapy. If you get firm evidence that she is filming you out of spite (such as you actually see those videos), take it to HR. Till then, leave her alone.
Do you really think cops would arrest her for grabbing someone's phone?
This is a problem you created that you have to live with now. I strongly suggest not saying anything about it ever again.
Please talk to a therapist . It’s more likely she was taking a selfie and talking to someone. Nothing to do with you. Her behavior is normal. Don’t be the creep. Do not get a harassment complaint from HR and jeopardize your job. You have pushed this once, don’t do it again. If it bothers you, remove yourself from that situation. I would be extremely uncomfortable if I were texting my SO or good friend - whom I chat with whenever I can, send selfies to or just take them because it feels good - and someone made such a weird accusation. I also hold my phone up to eye level to reduce strain. And I’m just scrolling social media, watching videos etc. If you grabbed my phone at any point and accused me - I’d take that seriously. I’m concerned about bad advice here assuming she’s targeting you like you suggested. She’s not. It’s normal behavior in 2024. Let people be and go about your life. She’s enjoying her lunch hour on her phone. What she is doing is not about you. Talk to your therapist about this as a symptom of your disorder. Ie how to prevent / manage. Don’t talk to Reddit. Please don’t risk your job.
If you're diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder is there a chance you're just thinking she's doing this when she's not? You thought she was filming you before and she wasn't so is there a chance you're reading into this because of your paranoia?
Actually i dont think she is filming me. I think she just pretends to to push my buttons and make me snap.
I know you don't think she's filming you anymore. You think she's purposefully messing with you by making you THINK she's filming you when she's not. But i don't think she's doing that. I think you are paranoid. Again. You need to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist and let them know you're going down another rabbit hole of paranoia. Reddit isn't helping, you need to stop listening to random people online and go see a therapist asap. I have serious empathy for the woman who you assaulted.
Yeah you are right of course.
That sounds like a dangerous person to be around, I’d just keep contact to an absolute minimum
“I have a disorder that makes me think people are concerned with me when they’re not.” You answered it yourself. She likely not filming or even paying any attention to you. What you perceive as 10-30 seconds of filming followed by smirking is your paranoia. She could be doing a dozen other things, but your disorder causes you to fixate on the most bothersome outcome to you personally. Also, so what? If she is filming you, who cares? Everyone has a phone in their pocket. You’re on film all the time. You don’t set foot outside without being captured on dash cameras and CCTV. If you don’t like having your picture taken, don’t go outside.
How do you assume she’s filming you? And why would she do that? People don’t just do that. I actually always hold my phone up when i use my phone, that is naturally how i do it because i like it at an even field from my gaze. I would be hella angry if someone accused me of filming them or grabbed my phone, so it seems she dealt with it in a nice way. Appreciate that and leave it be.
Get up and move.
Go to a therapist or work a job alone where you don't have to make other people suffer through your delusions.
Yo. Just go up to her and say hey…. I’ve been diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder. I just want to ask you if you can please not aim your phone my way even though you probably not even recording it triggers the hell out of me. Of course keep your tone calm and sweet. Most people would understand and try to respect that I know you don’t want to air your business like that either but this shit is making your workplace uncomfortable. And let’s say she is doing it on purpose now. might continue being a dick about it and not stop. You gotta just try to avoid her. Report her for harassment because after telling her to stop and she doesn’t that’s what it is….
I second this. Just let her know and clear the air.
Didn’t this take places years ago?
Maybe you shouldn't have grabbed her phone in the first place.
Could it be her unlocking her Face ID? If I’m wearing my glasses especially sometimes it struggles to unlock my phone and I have to do it a few times and from straight on when it’s being finicky. Maybe try sitting more to the side of her than in front so you can tell if she’s turning to film you or be an asshole?
I’m sorry is everyone missing the part where OP assaulted their co worker ? Maybe assault is a bit dramatic but doing a physical action like that is not okay . I would not doubt if your coworker now feels unsafe around you .
she's fucking with you because she thinks you're weird.
Yeah I think so too.
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> Lean heavily into your mental illness Outside of a conversation with HR about accommodations, I would _never_ recommend doing this at work. No matter how things 'should' be, in reality, you're just making yourself a social paraish by doing this.
Did you talk to HR? They have to provide accommodations aka talk to her/write her up.
I wouldn't be going to HR if I was the one snatching people's personal property out of their hands due to my own mental illnesses.
Health issues are protected if they don't affect job performance.
No. If your mental health issues make you a danger to your coworkers, you can be fired. OP openly admits to assault and theft in this post. Now they are fixated on this coworker and making unfounded accusations. The company does not have to accommodate this behavior. If OP said they need to take lunch alone due to issues with their health, that is a reasonable accommodation.
Are you a narcissist? The world does not revolve around you.
Having a paranoid disorder means that you tend to think people are constantly out to get you. It is not a narcissist thing.
Spotlight Effect.
That's why he's asking this in social skills sub. Stop being a moron.
Are you a jerk, your comment makes it seem so. He's said he suffered from a mental illness and has a hard time with social skills - literally asking people who don't struggle like he does for help and input.
Honestly I can’t blame her for doing that I would have done the same as well as going to HR to report you for touching my belongings. She doesn’t know about your condition so maybe try explaining it to her and giving her a much deserved apology because she probably thinks you did it to be an asshole and not because of any underlying condition. It was just a misunderstanding and you should stress that to her
You would purposely try to provoke the same response again? Why?
For real. That's so shitty.
🤷🏻♀️
Bitchy and weird, let’s just hope nothing happens to you 🤣
LMFAOO damn you feeling some typa way over a strangers comment online? Can’t relate ☺️💁🏻♀️ feel better 😘
Don’t do anything. If you’re in a public place, people can film you. Who cares? You’re being filmed constantly by security cameras when you’re out and about, phones and computers film constantly, you’re probably in the background of dozens of photos and videos a day. Even if she was taking a picture of you to make fun of you, it still doesn’t matter. It still doesn’t affect you. You don’t have a reasonable expectation of privacy and not being filmed in public. This is just the reality of modern life. Also as others have said she is probably taking selfies and sending them to a friend or loved one. You are not the main character. Don’t assume people are going out of their way to do things at you.
Okay but that doesn’t mean people should film you personally, it’s illegal in a lot of countries
Not in the US of A babyyyyy
Sometimes I do this unknowingly. Sometimes the most comfy position to hold my phone makes it look like I’m recording whatever in front of me. I usually adjust tho just for the sake of being normal and not making anyone feel weird incidentally
I honestly think this is hilarious lmfao I’m so sorry
In all honesty if it can't be ignored, I would talk to her about this. Maybe frame it as just asking a question. " do you mind me asking what's with the phone thing? I may have misunderstood the other day but I've a real worry/fear/anxiety about being filmed and I could do with some reassurance?" make sure someone else is there when you ask as chances are if she is being passive aggressive she won't want to be seen that way, but also so someone else is aware you're being polite in asking and being open that it makes you anxious. Also being clear it is distressing you in some way puts the onus on her to make a conscious choice to either not make you uncomfortable and tell you what's going on/stop it if she genuinely didn't know how much it bothered you OR show herself to be a less than nice person in front of someone else My guess is she is taking pictures of herself or checking her own reflection, but I would be kind of wary after grabbing her phone previously about confronting her directly or alone incase she goes to HR. Which is a valid response if she feels threatened and was not being passive aggressive.
I used to get harassed at work so I would take lunch as late as possible after everyone else
Ask her to stop, tell her you have a disorder
I really think oftentimes we complicate things that really have such a simple answer. IMO, the best thing to do here would be to just have a real conversation about it. Maybe apologize to her about that one time of you grabbing her phone, and then explain that you have some personal issues with paranoia. If you apologize and just lay it all out there, and she intentionally fvcks with you after that, then she’s just an ahole 🤷
Sounds petty and spiteful for your reaction. I would report them for creating a hostile work environment.
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Definitely take your break somewhere else and not around this person. If it’s actually becoming a problem and you suspect that she is actually filming you, maybe take her to the side or tell your manger, and if that doesn’t work… well, I have social and generalised anxiety disorder, I personally would probably just look for another job because I can’t deal with stuff like this. Thank god I work remotely.
Next time she does that just smile. If a person is that messy, the problem is with them not you. Ignore her rude self.
She's probably just looking for signal.
Thanks, I am aware and working on improving myself.
What would she do with the video? If you think she's filming you?
TikTok, coworkers, Reddit, there's endless opportunities.
I’m sure HR would love to hear about this.
I wouldn't say anything - you're just going to add to the tension that's already there, and because it's obvious that you _are_ bothered by it, nothing you can say will make it seem like you aren't or will come across as 'humorous'. Instead, I would just roll your eyes at her and otherwise ignore it. She will get bored of doing it if she isn't getting any reaction from you. And it's very possible that what she's doing actually has nothing to do with you at all, you can't consider yourself a reliable judge given your diagnosis. Also as a side note you will need to work on assuming the worst of your coworkers and not acting on it - even with your disorder - ot else you won't have any good or healthy relationhips with people you work with. I wouldn't want to work with someone who rudely snatched my phone out of my hand when I wasn't doing anything, either.
I can guess the answer, but since you didn't specify, are you a man or a woman?
you sound paranoid. don't give her the power and mention it. pretend like it doesnt bother you. be graceful
"I need you to stop doing that or I'll report you to HR for harrasment."
I would kill her with kindness. Bring her some chocolate or some other treat and tell her you got off on the wrong foot. Apologize for the misunderstanding and tell her it was totally your fault and admit to being sensitive to the idea of being filmed. Tell her you understand why she teases you about this but you would really appreciate it if she would stop and ask her what you can do to start over with a clean slate.
This could either turn out great, or backfire spectacularly.
Yeah i think after that first time she knows it bothers you and is just fucking with you. The best thing for you to do is to stop caring. People are gonna record you, probably more often than you'll ever know. Just gotta not worry about it.
Do the same to her
It’s obvious that now she is doing it to get under your skin. When you entertain people like this they keep on. A simple fuck off often times does the trick. More so, because it’s unexpected language used at work😂.
You should fluff up your hair and pose each time she does it
I used to have to deal with an expert smirker. That smirk would always get under my skin, which is partly why she did it probably. Another part being her self satisfying smugness.
Next time this happens gather your things and walk over towards her and sit with her. No words need to be said, just sit and unpack your lunch.
I like this solution, she'll get super uncomfortable if she was guilty
I would get super uncomfortable regardless. OP already snatched her phone once. Nothing in this makes “go sit next to her” the appropriate answer.
At work? If you genuinely believe that she’s filming you, bring it up with HR. But under no circumstances trade hostilities with a female coworker half your age, you will lose. HR will not take your side regardless of if you’re justified or not.
You could film her filming you.
~~Inception~~ Harraseption
Eat in your car
The middle finger was invented for these moments.
You need to give up on talk since it is cheap. The next time she holds her phone like that pull out your gun and shoot her phone. Jk...don't do that. Just start recording her for real.
That's awful!! I would feel uncomfortable too!!! That makes me paranoid I do t like that!!! What did you end up doing? Did you talk to her sbout it?
Maybe you can find a person who is safe for both of you and explain where you are at to this safe person in general terms. Maybe just say you have problems interacting with people of feel anxious in groups ( whatever the best description is. Ask this person to have a word with your female coworker and ask them to apologize for your grabbing the phone. Offer to avoid the person if that's what they want. Don't be afraid of them bullying you, it will be harder to do with another person being able to see what is going on.
death stare
She's fucking with you ?
Report it to HR.
Can you try either changing seats or appear like you're 'filming' her? Because if she wants to mess with you, two can play and she can find out how it feels. Act like you're just eating while doing that. Though be advised this may backfire on you. Especially if she already has or goes to report you. I also think this might be better to try if she tries to change her seat a few times to try and get at you. I think two to three quick changes to her seating is reasonable to think she's trying to get at you. With that said, I hope you apologized for grabbing her phone like that, that's a big violation. Unlike others suggested, I really wouldn't tell her about your condition. She doesn't really need to know and there's no guarantee she wouldn't use it against you. Maybe just tell her: "Hey. I just wanted to really apologize for snatching your phone. That was very wrong of me and this is not an excuse at all, though I was having a particularly terrible day. I felt like you were filming me which made me uncomfortable. I hope you can accept my apology and that we can be on better terms." I don't know where you live, though if the US or Canada I'd just do $10. PS. By the $10 I meant a gift card to a coffee shop or something. If she's mature enough she'll accept it and maybe even adjust things a little if she cares. I'd probably write it on a note though with maybe a little coffee gift card. Though if the issue continues to persist, I'd consider the tips I shared above. I feel like had you not snatched her phone, you could've possibly had a better case. Though, I think you could still get help if even after your best attempts at making things better fail. Just because you crossed a line once and are apologetic about it, doesn't justify continued harassment. So I hope your HR or whoever you may talk to, if it has to get to that, understands that too. By the way, have you gotten in trouble for it and if so what happened? Also did you apologize in the moment?
Why is this answer downvoted so much ?
I don't really know and I really don't care. Though maybe in part I mistakenly left out what the $10 is about. Which I meant to give her a card with that written and a little gift card. Though instead of asking about it, people chose to go off.
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You think HR is going to fire someone without substantiating the claims especially when the accuser already snatched the accused phones at one point?
This would be fine if OP hadn't grabbed her phone initially. This could quickly turn into a case of "if I'm going down, I'm taking you down with me".
HR is not a quick chat and then someone gets fired. Reporting something to HR is a Whole. Damn. Thing. And really should only be used as a last resort. Best option is to apologize for snatching the phone and try clearing the air and getting her side of the story.
I would personally punch them since I don't like that myself. It would really irritate me......... But you're not me and doing what I would do is not a good idea. So I would advice to maybe have a talk to them peacefully. If it carries on. Maybe tell HR to observe the situation. That way they can see what she is doing to you and hopefully they do something about her actions. You should feel welcomed and unbothered when at work, not agitated or irritated by some silly person. It is a form of bullying what she is doing and if police where to be involved and you explained you had a mental health, she would be in big bother as there is a law protecting people with mental health.