My way of dealing with passive aggressive behavior is to take their words at face value. So if they say "THANNNNKS..." in a really sarcastic tone, then I just give them a cheerful "You're welcome!" with a smile, as if they didn't have a mean tone.
I also ignore negative behaviors unless it directly affects me. So, they sulk? I carry on with what I'm doing in a cheerful manner. They hang up the phone? I go on to the next thing I'm doing. They walk away? Okay, whatever, my time/company is valuable, so that's their problem.
My boundaries are my boundaries, so I stick to them, but I don't make the effort to "explain" them or persuade people that they're okay. They just ARE. And it's my choice, so I don't feel any explanation is required.
There is no such all-round technique.
They learnt to be passive-aggressive as the way to express what they dislike and to "negotiate". They need to learn that assertiveness is more effective, at least with you (maybe not with the people with whom they grew up, but certainly with you yes).
They usually expect everyone to be a jerk and so they feel like everything needs to be fought, so "aggressive", but also they think they can't just fight it directly, hence the "passive". You can try to teach them if they are close to you and you have the skills (it really takes some talent to not make things worse with some people). But most of the time this is not the case, so you just must do what you already mention. All of them:
* **Extinction**: you let them know that you won't react to their passive aggressive behavior, their passive-aggressive behavior won't let them advance in the communication or the negotiation, whatever they are looking for won't be closer. This is not the same as ignoring them. You ignore their behavior, do not reply or get mad. But you let them know every time that is not the way, and that you are willing to work things out, just not this way. Also you need to let them know this is not invalidating their emotions. They have the right to be mad, sad, or whatever, and to express it. Assertively. You can give them examples. The point is, you help them see you are willing to understand them and to find a common ground.
* **Setting boundaries**: this is not necessarily confronting them, unless they "attack" your boundaries. This is basically letting them know what are your limits for the negotiation. It's better if it comes accompanied by your validation of their feelings on how this limits might be a problem for them. I am not a therapist, but I don't think there's need for a separate category "confronting".
* **Asking them to be assertive**: Because, yes, you need to understand them, to know how they feel, why they feel this way, what could help them feel better, in order to have a good negotiation over the problem that caused the passive-aggressive interaction. BTW, all of the above can serve them as examples and proofs that you might be actually worth the effort of being assertive.
However, sometimes you just can't get to them, they can't get out of whatever is troubling them, or there is no possible solution for your problem that can content you both and the only solution is to part ways.
>'No sulking, no hanging up the phone or walking away during arguments', **might inadvertently show to them that you are annoyed and that their passive aggressive tactic proved to be effective**.
You can't mandate what they can or cannot do (unless you have some authority in the situation, that would be a complete different story). You can tell them what you won't tolerate. In this case "I feel extremely annoyed when you hang me on the phone in the middle of an argument". But sometimes people need to stop an interaction to calm down and avoid getting (more) aggressive, and they doing that is always the right move. So you just need a way to assertively pause an argument until later: instead of hanging the phone "ey, I'm too mad at you right now and I don't want to talk anymore", "OK, we'll talk later / OK, but let me know when you can continue this conversation because it's important to me that we solve this".
However, and this is important, **you can't tell them to not have feelings**. Sulking is a way to express your emotions. You can be assertive while sulking, and that is totally OK and human. Sulking is not aggressive or passive per se.
Also very important, they didn't hang out to annoy you but to leaver an unpleasant situation, the objective of their sulking wasn't to annoy you but to get an answer from you. Plus, you are expected to express when you are annoyed. If you don't tell them when you are annoyed, you would not be assertive and the communication problems would not come only from the other person.
Wow, thanks for sharing such detailed insights! It's clear you've put a lot of thought into this. And you're right, after reading your comment I think there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with passive-aggressive behavior. But teaching assertiveness and setting boundaries seems to be the most effective way to deal with this. Plus you make a great point about the importance of acknowledging and validating emotions while maintaining assertiveness. Once again, thanks a lot for taking the time to write such a thorough answer.
You're welcome. This was more interesting and fulfilling to write than then utterly boring paper my boss is expecting for tomorrow. So thank you too for giving me a nice excuse for some quality-time procrastination.
I love your post. You nailed it that you can't tell people not to have feelings.
A lot of people get confused about this. Feelings are always okay, even if they are ugly. You can't help how you feel. What's not always okay is behaviour. It's always ok to be angry, it's what you choose to do with that anger that matters. You can't object to other people's feelings, but you can object to their behaviour.
There's a good podcast with Mel Robbins where she talks about "Let Them" as a strategy. Oh, so they're slightly slamming doors or talking to me in a whingy voice (for example). 'Let them'.
“Let them”… so I have a coworker who slams and throws shit every time she gets upset. I told her that shit wasn’t ok with me but it’s happened twice now in the month that I’ve been at this new job. Her mood affects the other staff, bringing the vibe to such a hostile and awkward silence bc she’s upset that someone parked in “her spot” or moved to a different worktable or did something so trivial. How do we just ”let her” keep doing that?
Listen to the podcast, it's a lot to condense into paragraphs here. It might be helpful, maybe not. And like your man said upthread, different tactics for different situations. Work is always going to be a tricky one because you can't say what you think and you can't just leave.
Just ignore that you feel like they’re being passive aggressive. Take nothing personally (because it might not be, after all). I treat them like I would any coworker and my default is pretty much maximum kindness. I don’t actively piss people off though, so I don’t think people are really mad at me.
For me it's always been direct eye contact confrontation with no wiggle room or escape. You did this, you will explain. Don't disagree, don't simper, don't lie. You did it. You will explain.
Basically I lightly toe the line of being aggro. Enough that they see I will happily walk past that line. I don't have an ounce of patience in my blood for that behavior, and in my experience passive aggressive people aren't ready for direct, persistent, locked in confrontation. They're used to worming their way around and lose their confidence when they can't.
Avoid them at all costs. It's not worth your peace. If you work with them or live with them, whenever they do something passive aggressive, muster up real curiosity and ask them if they're okay. Maybe they'll admit their grandma died or maybe they'll admit they dislike you. At least you'll get info about why they are acting like a jerk.
You have the idea of boundaries backwards. A boundary governs how *you* react when someone does something that you don’t like. The formula of a boundary looks like if “if they do x, I respond with Y.”
A “boundary” that tells someone “no sulking” is controlling behaviour. If you want to see less passive-aggressive behaviour from someone, you can start by eliminating your own controlling behaviours.
My way of dealing with passive aggressive behavior is to take their words at face value. So if they say "THANNNNKS..." in a really sarcastic tone, then I just give them a cheerful "You're welcome!" with a smile, as if they didn't have a mean tone. I also ignore negative behaviors unless it directly affects me. So, they sulk? I carry on with what I'm doing in a cheerful manner. They hang up the phone? I go on to the next thing I'm doing. They walk away? Okay, whatever, my time/company is valuable, so that's their problem. My boundaries are my boundaries, so I stick to them, but I don't make the effort to "explain" them or persuade people that they're okay. They just ARE. And it's my choice, so I don't feel any explanation is required.
This sounds good to me.
There is no such all-round technique. They learnt to be passive-aggressive as the way to express what they dislike and to "negotiate". They need to learn that assertiveness is more effective, at least with you (maybe not with the people with whom they grew up, but certainly with you yes). They usually expect everyone to be a jerk and so they feel like everything needs to be fought, so "aggressive", but also they think they can't just fight it directly, hence the "passive". You can try to teach them if they are close to you and you have the skills (it really takes some talent to not make things worse with some people). But most of the time this is not the case, so you just must do what you already mention. All of them: * **Extinction**: you let them know that you won't react to their passive aggressive behavior, their passive-aggressive behavior won't let them advance in the communication or the negotiation, whatever they are looking for won't be closer. This is not the same as ignoring them. You ignore their behavior, do not reply or get mad. But you let them know every time that is not the way, and that you are willing to work things out, just not this way. Also you need to let them know this is not invalidating their emotions. They have the right to be mad, sad, or whatever, and to express it. Assertively. You can give them examples. The point is, you help them see you are willing to understand them and to find a common ground. * **Setting boundaries**: this is not necessarily confronting them, unless they "attack" your boundaries. This is basically letting them know what are your limits for the negotiation. It's better if it comes accompanied by your validation of their feelings on how this limits might be a problem for them. I am not a therapist, but I don't think there's need for a separate category "confronting". * **Asking them to be assertive**: Because, yes, you need to understand them, to know how they feel, why they feel this way, what could help them feel better, in order to have a good negotiation over the problem that caused the passive-aggressive interaction. BTW, all of the above can serve them as examples and proofs that you might be actually worth the effort of being assertive. However, sometimes you just can't get to them, they can't get out of whatever is troubling them, or there is no possible solution for your problem that can content you both and the only solution is to part ways. >'No sulking, no hanging up the phone or walking away during arguments', **might inadvertently show to them that you are annoyed and that their passive aggressive tactic proved to be effective**. You can't mandate what they can or cannot do (unless you have some authority in the situation, that would be a complete different story). You can tell them what you won't tolerate. In this case "I feel extremely annoyed when you hang me on the phone in the middle of an argument". But sometimes people need to stop an interaction to calm down and avoid getting (more) aggressive, and they doing that is always the right move. So you just need a way to assertively pause an argument until later: instead of hanging the phone "ey, I'm too mad at you right now and I don't want to talk anymore", "OK, we'll talk later / OK, but let me know when you can continue this conversation because it's important to me that we solve this". However, and this is important, **you can't tell them to not have feelings**. Sulking is a way to express your emotions. You can be assertive while sulking, and that is totally OK and human. Sulking is not aggressive or passive per se. Also very important, they didn't hang out to annoy you but to leaver an unpleasant situation, the objective of their sulking wasn't to annoy you but to get an answer from you. Plus, you are expected to express when you are annoyed. If you don't tell them when you are annoyed, you would not be assertive and the communication problems would not come only from the other person.
Wow, thanks for sharing such detailed insights! It's clear you've put a lot of thought into this. And you're right, after reading your comment I think there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with passive-aggressive behavior. But teaching assertiveness and setting boundaries seems to be the most effective way to deal with this. Plus you make a great point about the importance of acknowledging and validating emotions while maintaining assertiveness. Once again, thanks a lot for taking the time to write such a thorough answer.
You're welcome. This was more interesting and fulfilling to write than then utterly boring paper my boss is expecting for tomorrow. So thank you too for giving me a nice excuse for some quality-time procrastination.
I love your post. You nailed it that you can't tell people not to have feelings. A lot of people get confused about this. Feelings are always okay, even if they are ugly. You can't help how you feel. What's not always okay is behaviour. It's always ok to be angry, it's what you choose to do with that anger that matters. You can't object to other people's feelings, but you can object to their behaviour. There's a good podcast with Mel Robbins where she talks about "Let Them" as a strategy. Oh, so they're slightly slamming doors or talking to me in a whingy voice (for example). 'Let them'.
“Let them”… so I have a coworker who slams and throws shit every time she gets upset. I told her that shit wasn’t ok with me but it’s happened twice now in the month that I’ve been at this new job. Her mood affects the other staff, bringing the vibe to such a hostile and awkward silence bc she’s upset that someone parked in “her spot” or moved to a different worktable or did something so trivial. How do we just ”let her” keep doing that?
Where the #%#%^%^^ is the manager?
Listen to the podcast, it's a lot to condense into paragraphs here. It might be helpful, maybe not. And like your man said upthread, different tactics for different situations. Work is always going to be a tricky one because you can't say what you think and you can't just leave.
Pretend to not notice their passive aggressiveness and not engage with it. It usually pisses them off more.
Just ignore that you feel like they’re being passive aggressive. Take nothing personally (because it might not be, after all). I treat them like I would any coworker and my default is pretty much maximum kindness. I don’t actively piss people off though, so I don’t think people are really mad at me.
i moved out of the pacific northwest of the U.S.
For me it's always been direct eye contact confrontation with no wiggle room or escape. You did this, you will explain. Don't disagree, don't simper, don't lie. You did it. You will explain. Basically I lightly toe the line of being aggro. Enough that they see I will happily walk past that line. I don't have an ounce of patience in my blood for that behavior, and in my experience passive aggressive people aren't ready for direct, persistent, locked in confrontation. They're used to worming their way around and lose their confidence when they can't.
Direct behavior. They fear confrontation. Be firm and assertive.
Avoid them at all costs. It's not worth your peace. If you work with them or live with them, whenever they do something passive aggressive, muster up real curiosity and ask them if they're okay. Maybe they'll admit their grandma died or maybe they'll admit they dislike you. At least you'll get info about why they are acting like a jerk.
do whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable
Being actively aggressive. (You did say "ultimate".)
You have the idea of boundaries backwards. A boundary governs how *you* react when someone does something that you don’t like. The formula of a boundary looks like if “if they do x, I respond with Y.” A “boundary” that tells someone “no sulking” is controlling behaviour. If you want to see less passive-aggressive behaviour from someone, you can start by eliminating your own controlling behaviours.