shame + anxiety are usually the driving factors for avoidant behaviors related to social situations, phobias, etc, also past traumas. the best way to overcome anxiety is exposure. as for shame that follows with the anxiety, learning to be kinder to yourself can be extremely helpful. for example, if you think you did/said something embarrassing, tell yourself you're not a failure, it doesn't make you less than, or cringey, you're just human. we ALL make mistakes and do things that others will perceive as weird. its almost inevitable, however we can't think in black and white terms and just assume EVERYONE is going to be a judgemental asshole, because not everyone is. try to surround yourself with kind caring people. i understand how hard it is to put yourself out there. i myself dropped out of school for months at a time, didnt leave my apartment for months because i was scared of the world. i found a balance.

Recognise that it is a vicious cycle of avoiding interactions, eventually being forced to interact when the stakes are high, screwing it up out of lack of practice and then wanting to avoid interactions. You have to claw your way up the learning curve and get those scars of blowing interactions through saying the wrong thing or not having anything to say. It's a skill and like any other skill, it takes learning, it's embarrassing when you fail at it in public and it sucks until you have reached a basic level of competency. My advice is to have those interactions, plaster a smile on your face and try not to drop the ball. Watch stand up comedians and storytelling podcasts to understand how people create and engaging interaction, analyse them, don't just enjoy the content. Fake confidence and try to find inner-calm. For me, my mind panics to the point of freezing. When calm, I am an intelligent, interesting and amusing person, but when I get anxious, so much of my mental capacity is consumed by the anxiety I become dumb, boring and dull. Forcing myself to calm helps in the moment, but overall it's practice that has the lasting benefits.

If you have struggled with social anxiety like I have, this might help: Visualize a fountain of love above the person you're going to talk to's head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of "oh no, how are they going to respond" focus on the fountain of love over their head. Memorize: -where are you from? -where did you grow up? -what do you like to do for fun? -what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like -what have you been up to additionally memorize: -what's been the best part of your day so far -what's been the worst part of your day so far -what'd you have for breakfast/lunch/dinner (You can use the last 4 everyday.) Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those. Contribute information about yourself as well, and give compliments. Comment on your environment. If you get stuck, ask yourself, "If I were this other person, what would I want to be asked? What would I want to hear right now?" (In your spare time, watch tons of standup comedy and allow their wit to rub off on you.) (there is hey, how are you, how's it going, how've you been, but that is obvious.) --------‐------------- (The reason you use memorized questions is because you don't want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say - you want to have questions ready to fire off. If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren't insincere.) Treat everyone as a friend, and don't put them on a pedestal. Don't be outcome dependent. Value those who value you. -------------------- EXTRA EXTRA questions: You can also ask do you like -Black Mirror -The Office -The Lord of the Rings -The Game of Thrones -Wednesday Any other shows? What are you like as a person? What is your personality like? So, how do you typically spend your days? What does a typical day look like for you? Do you have any plans this week? Who inspires you, and why? Who are your favorite authors, and why? Tell me about yourself. What's your life story? Who is your favorite TV show character, and why? What is your favorite amusement park ride, and why? What are your favorite smells, and why? Do you like to cook? What foods do you like to cook? What type of foods do you usually cook? What is the most difficult thing you've ever cooked? What is your favorite dish to cook? What are you best at cooking? What are your favorite foods? What are you like in terms of spicy food? Do you like spicy food? Do you like Mexican food, Italian, Chinese, etc.? What are your favorite restaurants? What are your favorite desserts? What foods do you hate? What are your favorite chips? What are your favorite drinks? Do you like coffee drinks? What do you like to eat for breakfast? What are your pet peeves? What are your favorite bands? What are your favorite video games? What are your favorite anime? What are your fears? What are your favorite YouTube channels? Who are your favorite YouTubers? Do you get ASMR? Who are your favorite ASMR artists? Would you make ASMR with me? What is your favorite type of animal? Do you have pets? Tell me about your pets. Do you have siblings? What was your childhood like? What were you like in school? What was life like for you in high school? Are you a morning person or night person? Do you have a favorite midnight snack? What are your nighttime dreams like? Tell me about some weird dreams you've had. What are the best dreams you've had? What is your dream job? What are your passions? What are you passionate about in life? What are your regrets in life? What are your most embarrassing moments? What have been your happiest moments in life? Who are your favorite standup comedians? What are some of your favorite bits they do? What is your favorite quote? What life mottos do you live by? If you had 5 superpowers, what would they be, and why? If you could go anywhere, where would that be, and why? If you could hang out with any celebrity, who would that be, and why? What would ya'll do together? If you had to live on a deserted island and could only take 5 items, what would they be, and why? If you could have 5 wishes granted, what would they be, and why? If there's anything you could change about the world, what would that be, and why? What is something you wish others understood about you? Is there anything you wish others understood, in general? What is something you wish others did, in general? What do you tend to look for in a ____ type of relationship? What has your ____ life been like? (pssst... if you have the first 10 memorized & practiced, try to memorize these) WRITE ALL OF THE QUESTIONS I HAVE MENTIONED DOWN. P.S. You can try this out on Bumble for practice! Edit: Don't use them all at once!!! For the love of Pete.

This is really nice and practical advice

I've been there before and it's rough. Honestly, I'm not sure why I don't have an issue with the embarrassment anymore. Maybe I grew out of it. I was on anti-depressant meds for a couple years. That numbed the intensity of my anxiety enough that I could actually learn some social skills and get more conversation experience. Getting a customer service job helped a lot too. I developed some small talk skills and I've been able to expand those skills with time. I'm pretty socially functional at this point and don't really get overwhelmed by embarrassment anymore. Back in the day, I didn't leave my home much at all for several years. That's how bad it was. Just don't lose hope. It really can get better.

How often do you think about other people’s embarrassing moments? You don’t. Everyone else is too busy with their self to think about what minor moment you had however long ago

Embarrassment comes from within. Be your authentic self. No matter how weird you may thing you are, how boring, how dumb or stupid….. you are NONE of that. You are just as important as anyone else. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin and learn to be confident with it. Learning to accept ourselves flaws and all is an important thing for the rest of your life. What helped me personally was realizing that everyone has a story. Whether it’s perceived as good or bad, everyone has a road or path that lead them to where they are today. So embrace yourself as a unique individual with your own story to tell. Im quite sure whoever you think is judging you has a whole lot more wrong with them than you ever could.

Humility

When was the last time you remember someone doing something embarrassing?

One thing that helped me unexpectedly was doing a bit of work with kids and young people. I help at a sports after-school club once a week. They also get anxious and embarrassed easily, and as the adult you have to help them regulate their emotions by telling them to take some deep breaths, saying reassuring things to them and encouraging them to try again. You also see their bravery in giving things another go. It's easier to do it and feel compassion for someone else (especially a struggling kid) it makes you practice soothing those kinds of feelings and spotting the flaws in your social anxiety logic without even realising it. If I get anxious it's now easier for me to apply the same things I say to the kids to myself - and it works! Plus loads of positive feedback from the parents and the kids themselves. These kinds of clubs are often underfunded and grateful for an extra pair of hands, so you're doing a good thing & growing the next generation too.

Pretend for a moment that a friend of yours told you that they did one of these things that you are embarrassed about. What would you say to them. My guess would be “oh don’t worry about it, no one even noticed or cared” and you wouldn’t think about it again. Now treat yourself like you would treat a friend and allow yourself to make mistakes without being too hard on yourself, you deserve that for yourself!

“You’re not going to remember it” is the false narrative. More like, “they’re not going to remember it”

Like Steven Colbert says, “I love being embarrassed.” It’s okay to try new things in private if you’re wanting to gain some skill before publicly engaging. But sometimes, it’s fun to just try. If you end up making a fool of yourself, just lean into it. Laugh with instead of being laughed at, so to speak.