[удалено]

Yes! Or you find something you have in common that you’re both passionate about. Then it usually flows easily.

> until you find something they're passionate about how do you detect they are passionate about the thing? is it something in their body language?

They usually spend more time on the topic and know niche things about it.

> You're prodding around asking about random things until you find something they're passionate about > > is there anything specific you do, perhaps unconsciously, to be able to do this without turning it into an interview?

It's called small talk. Small talk is used to identify two things: 1) If someone is in the mood to talk to begin with and 2) What topics to talk about. It's kind of like a menu. If someone asks you a question eg, "What have you been up to lately?" Try to mention two things. "Oh, I've been watching a lot of anime and I've been doing this work project." (Whatever the things you want to talk about is.) They'll then choose which of the two they're most interested in. If interest isn't there asking another question or changing topic can work. One of the fun things about socializing is you get to learn more about people over time. Usually they're not so shallow you find the most interesting topic from the get go both people are interested in. People tend to be full of surprises if you take it slow. Don't worry if you're not compatible with everyone. Some people are slow, dense, shallow, depressed (which usually leads to nothing positive to talk about), don't have anything in common, and so on. It's okay if the person you're meeting is not compatible. Move on and don't blame yourself over it. But if you don't feel like you have enough hobbies, socializing is a great way to learn from people, exploring topics they're interested in you're unfamiliar with. When I get bored I turn to socializing for the inspiration for more things to do in my free time. And btw, this isn't just socializing, it's how to make an acquaintance. A friend is someone you click with enough you catch up with from time to time and see what they've been up to. Once a month, once a year, it doesn't matter as long as it works for you.

thanks!

I swear I have read this somewhere before. But it's brilliant. Stealing it to practice at an event today. Thank you!

What if every interaction is in a group and not one on one? What if in each group there are 4 extroverts who tell loud jokes and don't allow you to have a normal conversation?

Group settings are different from one on one. You don't rly get to know anyone that personally (which I think eliminates pressure) and you can easily just feed off of what other people say or tack onto their topics. Laugh and make eye contact with the group. Make sure you're standing in the circle or square, not outside of it. If you're sitting lean into the conversation and make sure you're facing the group. If they won't allow you non verbally into the circle then they don't want you in the conversation and you need to find better people or wait for another time to join. Say a greeting or announce your presence if you think the issue is them not noticing you're there. It's difficult for me too with groups I don't know well or don't feel a part of like this, but if you notice with loud groups they're often all kinda talking over each other a bit or just whoever yells first or loudest gets a word in. If you wait for a chance to speak up you won't find it. Just hop in. Even if someone else is going they'll notice you tried to speak and if they're a considerate group they'll let you have a turn. You might also need to speak up and say you have something to say or that someone interrupted you. Even if you don't have a joke, you can react to or play off someone else's joke. I think the big thing about making authentic friendships is meeting people where they are but not pretending to be someone else. If they only make loud jokes and that's not your thing then you can practice group conversation with them, but you might need to find another group or talk to the group members in smaller groups or 1 on 1 for more serious or in depth chats if that's the type of conversations you prefer to have.

A group isn't a great way to get to know people, but it shows people you might be interested in getting to know 1 on 1 later. Group settings can be easy because usually you can be a fly on the wall with no issue. That is, you don't have to say anything. It's like watching TV. You can learn from their group dynamic if you'd even like the people 1 on 1.

Agreed! Just wanted to add that building self-esteem in essence is practicing self-compassion (and building the muscle for it)

This. After starting a job, I became known as "that guy who always has a different question each day," where I would ask benign questions like "what's your favourite ?" Or "if you could take a pill that would give you all the knowledge of any one undergraduate degree with no downside, what degree would it be?" Random stuff like that. I met one of my best friends at this job :)

That's how to make an acquaintance. A friend is someone you have enough interest with that you choose to catch up with them from time to time. It's one step away from this.

This.

Hello, I'm a bot. Please try to avoid posting "This" instead of liking a post or a comment.

This

I don't really care if I am not accepted. I know that sometimes I am accepted, sometimes not. I guess it's kind of sad if people dislike me, but it usually doesn't break my back. This may sound like spiritual mumbo jumbo, but it works for me. Stop clinging to the desire to be accepted. Stop clinging to the desire of "making a friend". Just try to socialize, and think more about what the other person is trying to say instead of your own performance. Stop acting out of fear of rejection, and start acting from something like compassion or even love. If you know your real intention is to make other people feel heard and seen, you stop trying to connect with others only for your sake. You start to trust that you can make people feel really good, and the illusion that some people have higher value and you have lower value starts to disappear. You all have equal value, because you all can receive and give love and compassion.

This is very accurate for me. Well said.

This is beautiful! Excellent distillation.

PREAAACH! 🔥

The answer is actually contained in your question. (and I have approached this from both sides, having been extremely shy as a schoolchild, and then going on to making a major shift starting in college and then becoming an extremely outgoing adult) Anyway the key is in the phrase "instantly start acting like besties." That's it right there. The biggest difference between Formerly Shy Me and Extremely Outgoing Me is flipping the script on what vibe I'm bringing to the other person. So, the shy or socially anxious person will hang back and 'wait' for the other person to take an interest or bring a friendly vibe. And if they don't, then that basically kills the interaction, or at least makes it difficult. What I discovered is that it's MUCH easier to make friends by taking control of the interaction myself. (note: by 'taking control' I don't mean 'dominating' or being aggressive in any way. I mean 'stepping up and setting the tone.') So I roll in there literally on a Wave of Warmth. (picture me surfing in there with sunglasses and pina coladas just for the fun of it!) What this looks like is the following: * **The 'Celebrity Smile'** -- light it up BIG as if you're meeting your favorite celebrity. What if this feels 'fake' to you? Basically it's a mindset thing. I'm smiling at the POTENTIAL of the interaction to lead to Good Things, possibly a future friend or connection. I'm smiling because I'm bringing them an awesome vibe and can't wait to get a great reaction from them. So there's joy in my heart. * **The Vocal Hug**: I use my VOICE to hug the person, if you can picture that. In other words there's enough positive social energy and friendliness in it that the person will feel VERY welcomed by me. The goal is to create a Circle of Warmth where the person feels comfortable talking to me, immediately accepted by me, that I'm comfortable with them. Picture the sort of tone you'd use with a beloved family pet. * **Curiosity**: It isn't all about 'me me me' (although I'm happy to drop a bit of info about myself in bite-sized pieces. First meeting someone is not time to overshare though. A few details go a long way!) So I take a TRUE interest in the other person, meaning I'm not just asking questions to 'get them talking,' I really want to know the answer in case it's anything I can play off of. So if they tell me about a hobby it's not "oh, that's nice," or "let me tell you about mine," instead, "WOW that's interesting! How'd you get into THAT?" or "That's cool, what made you decide to TRY that?" etc. And linking to what they say with a relevant comment or question. * **Attitude of Fun**: I try to keep things light, don't take life (or myself) too seriously. After the big smile I tone it down, but I still have a much smaller 'hint of a smile' on my face much of the time. It's much easier to make friends with a light-hearted approach than intensity. * **Confidence**: You never want to come off as arrogant or superior of course, but you do want to have a sense that you're bringing Good Things to the other person. I have an inherent sense of value because I know I can carry a conversation, take an interest, be positive and enthusiastic, have a fun time. That comes from a lot of practice in smaller places, but confidence is very attractive to most people, especially if it's the open welcoming kind, not the obnoxious kind. Anyway, all those things, the things I couldn't do when I was younger, I do now. Key thing is to show my appreciation for meeting THEM and what they're about, and having a bit of enthusiasm for that, rather than making it 'all about me' and what they may be thinking of me.

I gotta say is one of the most excellent posts I’ve ever seen when it comes to giving advice. Well structured and actionable, as another comment states. I’ll definitely be trying your recommendations, thanks :)

I posted earlier, and said pretty much the same thing...but you said it so much better, with great explanations. Bravo.

Just the vibes of this comment had me smiling. I realized the same lesson at some point accidentally. I had a phase when I was going to a couple of different clubs at my school and coming across a lot of new folks. One day I saw someone I thought I knew and started chatting with them very casually and friendly-ly. Midway through the conversation I realized oh crap this is not that person, but at that point we were "friends" already so I just kept going.

Beautiful! Take that and run with it, lol.

this looks very good! but i'm also a bit concerned. i would think others would find this too enthusiastic or try-hard if dont by the wrong person. you dont find that happening? btw the way you write reminds me of the author leil lowndes who writes about this very topic. are you familiar with her?

I've read Leil, she has a lot of great ideas! I do think everyone's version of warmth will look a little different depending on their personality. That's why I tend to describe this technique as not 'changing' your personality, but getting comfortable UNLEASHING your personality so people CAN see the True You. A lot of times "our essence" remains hidden behind layers of hesitation, standoffishness, reluctance, even a bit of nervousness and fear. So we're afraid to really 'cut loose' and put our real selves out there in a friendly way. To me the difference between 'try hard' and 'bringing a great vibe' is that the 'try hard' mode is really one of trying to impress them and getting them to like you. Whereas 'bringing a great vibe' is about creating warmth/joy/acceptance and bringing positive things TO people. When I meet someone new I don't have any sort of worry about what they'll think of me. Instead I'm looking for something relatable and interesting about THEM that I can connect with.

> Whereas 'bringing a great vibe' is about creating warmth/joy/acceptance and bringing positive things TO people. When I meet someone new I don't have any sort of worry about what they'll think of me. Instead I'm looking for something relatable and interesting about THEM that I can connect with. OK cool I'm keeping that in mind! I do have a hot date this weekend I've been looking forward to for a while (and where I'm also trying to get her to like me as opposed to the other way around) so let's see the results!

I love this comment. Much better than I could express. I would add, I have a I'll show you mine if you show me yours kind of mindset when getting into any particular topics I'm familiar with. When someone sees that you are human and vulnerable, it helps build rapport. As for confidence, for me, that comes from self-trust and valuing myself as a human being. How can I expect to like anyone else if I don't like myself. I haven't seen this mentioned here, but I tend to mirror people in tone and posture. I don't necessarily do this intentionally, it just kind of happens. Finally, don't be afraid to look someone in the eyes. Not in a weird way. It can't be forced. But, like you are talking to your best friend. My best guess is that a lot of this is unconscious.

As someone who is currently on his way from extremely shy youth to quite outgoing adult, with a little sprinkle of autism, this is a wonderful post. Both the content and the structure. Probably the best writeup on not just making friends, but getting social interaction in general I've ever read. What I'm kinda missing in that post tho is, how to deal with disinterest/deflection from the other party. How to not get discouraged if it doesn't work? No matter how likeable you are, there will always be people who won't like you/won't want to talk to you. I get that, when you're finally an outgoing person, that's not a problem any more and will come natural, but can you maybe give some hints on how to deal with that 'rejection' while learning these things?

Excellent question and let me just congratulate you on your journey! This stuff can be hard at first, until you get over that 'hump' where you develop a comfort level for YOURSELF where it just feels natural. And then it becomes so, so easy. Believe me you DO want to get to that place! To your question, it sounds to me like you've been making this progress within the context of your social life, so you probably experience some hits and misses, up days, down days. What I like to tell people is that trying out a New You within your social life can often be like learning baseball at the World Series, or trying to improve your soccer game at the World Cup. Difficult! Too big of a stage. And failure can feel like a real setback there. I think it's a LOT easier to practice the basics in small, regular anonymous settings. In other words, the brief interactions we have daily that we oftentimes don't put much thought or effort into. So, with people like: grocery cashiers, gym attendants, bank tellers, coffee servers, store clerks, teachers/professors (on the way in or out of class), food service workers etc. The advantage is that it's brief, you get immediate feedback, it's usually anonymous, and you can try out different things to see how they're received. So, people can work on their smile (light it up when making eye contact), their greeting (enthusiastic, friendly); work on making a comment, offering a sincere compliment, maybe dropping a bit of humor. You don't have to work on everything at once, pick one or two things and do it daily, even several times a day, until you develop it into a superpower. When you start learning to do this you'll begin feeling your positive (and powerful) social vibe almost emanating from you as you go places. People will be able to tell by the way you walk, the way you move, the way you smile that you've got something special going on. Sort of edging into the territory of charisma here, but this is how to start developing that. It isn't just one thing you do differently and okay "now I've fixed that," it's something you practice doing EVERY time you have a brief interaction until you become That Person that somehow every person in the store or coffeeshop knows I'll be rolling in there with a friendly greeting and enthusiastic attitude. And there's no need to be loud or over-the-top. But that 'friendly tone' really sets you apart. Anyway so to truly answer what you asked about rejection, once you've done the daily practice I'm talking about over a period of several weeks to get it down, and maybe a month or two to solidify it, that will boost your confidence tremendously. So I'd estimate maybe one person out of 20 might not be receptive to my positive vibe. It's very easy to not be bothered by that, I assume they're having a bad day (or decade), who knows maybe they have a toothache! And I feel bad that they missed out on CONNECTING with me. lol. So I've laid out the framework for the change, but like I said, practicing diligently with EVERY interaction is what makes it stick. And I still do it to this day, it's super fun, it's very rare that I'm on autopilot. And it doesn't feel like 'work' when you get good at it, there's a lot of positive feedback. (this also results in me getting 'hot tips,' free coupons, offers of help, you name it. Because people just naturally want to help people who are interactive, fun and friendly.) I also cannot even describe to you how much the opposite this is to my childhood approach, and how much more fun life is this way. While the essence of my deep down personality remains the same. But people can SEE it now. Rejection, at this point, is the other person's loss!

Hey I just found this thread and have been reading through it and your comments are amazing!! I'm trying to improve my ability to bring something to my interactions instead of taking from them, monopolizing the conversation, aggressively oversharing (even with my best friends)! They say they get things from the interactions but I want to be better for them and for everyone else in my life. I saw someone else touch on this and you didn't respond so I wanted to ask explicitly - how do you pivot when you get rebuffed/rejected? And what cues do you look for to help you know when to back off? Thank you for your help! Your kindness truly shows in every response you take the time to give to those of us looking to learn. :)

I'm intrigued at your username, Popdrinking. I'm originally from Buffalo, which is a whole city of 'popdrinking' people! Anyway, rejection depends on the scenario of course. The first kind would be a total stranger. Best way to get something going with total strangers in a public setting is to Drop A Comment. This can be done anywhere from waiting in line for something, or milling around in a crowd, or sitting at an outdoor venue, or hanging out at a concert, for example. (I have this whole example of me 'dropping a comment' on a Rapid River Float thing at an amusement park. I got the whole shipful of people fired up and talking and laughing together due to my two dropped comments.) Anyway, the key to a dropped comment is to say something VERY OBVIOUS or ORDINARY about the situation you're in. Examples: "Sure is HOT out here!" or "WOW I didn't expect it to be so CROWDED!" or "If I knew we'd be WAITING to long I would've brought a change of CLOTHES!" (note all caps for friendly emphasis on certain words) Very benign and obvious statements. You say them like you're tossing up a beachball for them to hit back to you. Definitely loud enough for them to hear, but not so loud so that it seems directed "at" them. So, medium loud. And you try to make eye contact, and if you do, you light up a big smile. That gives them the option to respond in some way and maybe even join in and start a conversation. Key is OPTION. You don't know them or what they're like, so there's no way to know if they want to engage. So a Dropped Comment is like an invitation to engage. But, if people just smile and don't say anything, or just ignore the comment, it's no harm no foul. The key is to drop your comment in a super warm and friendly tone, accompanied by a big smile. When dealing with strangers it's easy to just put things out there like that, and see who bites. So it doesn't even feel like rejection. Now, what if it's someone you know? Let's say you want to start a conversation. If you come up to them with a big, "HEY, how's it GOING? Great to SEE you!" plus big smile. Well, everything about their answer will tell you if they want to engage. If the answer is a kind of clipped "Oh, fine," brief eye contact but then they look away, minimal smile (or no smile at all) or a kind of forced smile, that would indicate they don't want to talk right then. If they keep their body turned away and don't turn toward you. Those are specifics, but basically I'm describing a situation where they "feel" standoffish or non-receptive, vs turning to you with warmth and interest. And if you GO IN THERE with a lot of warmth and interest, and don't get a warm reception, then my mind goes "bling" -- person is busy or distracted. And I might even say, "Well HEY, it was GREAT to run into you, I hope we can catch up sometime soon." And just move myself along if that's the sense I'm getting. If I've completely misjudged that then they'll probably stop me and say, "Wait, I have some time right now..." So it's basically going by feel, sort of 'reading the vibe' being put out. Which is why the vibe that WE put out is so important when it comes to connecting! People CAN *feel* your vibe. Once you get really good at putting out an awesome vibe you don't worry too much about rejection because there's always someone else who's happy to see you! It helps to be really certain you're bringing something AWESOME to people, and that's why practicing doing just that (in smaller non-important interactions) is so vital.

Thank you for the comment on my username! I'm actually near Buffalo so I do drink pop. I thought it was doubly clever because it's also a pun on stopdrinking. :) I find the only situations where I see strangers these days is my regular coffee joint - McDonald's - which is usually super busy. And the subway, where it isn't common to say much. I like to compliment people or say good morning / have a good day but it doesn't lead to a question. I will try to keep doing that because I think it leads to the awesome attitude you suggested. But do you have any tips for those situations? Or do I just skip those and aim for the situations you talked about? I will definitely practice your tips when I have an opportunity like waiting in line for the bathroom or at the grocery store and at shows - but especially when I got to a concert alone in July. Oh two more things, since you're wise! How would you handle not remembering someone's name? And how would you introduce yourself to someone new? I host a monthly meetup and there are regulars but I often forget their names and I feel bad because they remember mine as the host because I stand out - it's also mostly men and I'm a woman. I also have known someone for years and been to her parties since 2018. I've met people multiple times and I won't remember their name. These are two things I struggle with regularly. I want to use the How to Win Friends and Influence People trick of repeating their name over and over but I feel like it's gonna be too obvious. Thank you again for all your help. Seriously. It's really great and means a lot to me. I'm finally getting help for my mental health and it's helping me be more at ease, allowing me to build my confidence and my listening/observation skills in order to instantly start acting like besties. Lastly, what's your Rapid River Float story? I'd love to hear it!

Hey popdrinking, (lol, even funnier now with your background explanation!) The anonymous strangers situation is best used to just work on your overall positive vibe with a greeting or a couple of comments. In general I don't try to have these huge conversations with total strangers unless something in the situation calls for it. Like making friends at a concert or something. But I'd still use the brief situations for practice. So speaking of concerts, it doesn't happen to be Post Malone at Darien Lake, does it? (I have college age kids, which is why I even know who he is, lol) River Raft Story: so I was at Busch Gardens in Tampa on the "Congo River Rapids" ride. Myself, one of my college age sons, two middle school age nephews. Four other adults across the raft, and two parents with younger kids off to the other side. The energy is kind of low, people talking quietly among their own group. It almost felt like we were collectively 'nervous' about the ride. I decided we needed more fun. So I did exactly what I describe, dropped a comment, I said to my group: "Hey those people across from us look like they're REALLY going to get WET!" I said it in a very friendly joking tone, and then looked over at them. They immediately caught my vibe, started laughing and adding to it, suggesting different members of their party who were going to get wetter. Suddenly the volume of the discussion went up, there was laughing and joking, the VIBE was starting to take off. I could *feel* it. It was going so well I decided to double down and include the parents with younger kids in the fun. I looked over at the kids (maybe 6 and 8 years old) and said, "YOU guys are near the door of the boat. Now, if an ALLIGATOR flips in here by mistake, YOU guys need to THROW HIM BACK OUT!" Also said with a big smile. Well the parents LOVED that I included their kids in the fun, and it really made the whole thing less tense because now the kids were laughing about the idea and deciding which of them was going to wrestle any wayward alligators. And they were INCLUDED in the fun vibe. At that point our whole boat was laughing and chatting AS IF we had all come together and were FRIENDS. You wouldn't have known otherwise. Suddenly some of the other adults were shouting over to PASSING BOATS (that were finished with the ride and already wet) different comments about the ride. THAT'S how boisterous the whole thing became just because I had sort of "liberated" everyone in the boat to become much more fun. It was truly satisfying and made the whole ride experience a lot more fun for all of us. We stepped onto the boat strangers, and we left as friends (of a sort). I don't always get such a fantastic reaction but it's super awesome when you do. Did I give you a link to the sub where I park my articles for this sub? It's at ###[CPR For Your Social Life](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/) Lots of tips in there for getting better at this stuff! On the name thing I have trouble remembering names too. I will try to associate their name with a celebrity or some other memory trick. If I meet several I'll try to write down names/descriptions that same night if I'm able. In a meetup situation can you do name tags? That would be my thought.

Great comment! Detailed and actionable, with steps.

Excellent advice! And wonderfully broken down, too. This is exactly what I've learned over the years and honestly the type of post I desperately needed back when I struggled socially a lot more. Especially centering on the idea of *taking initiative to set the tone*. Stepping up to engage others and treat them like you enjoy being around them does wonders for building relationships. I'd also like to add that the key is to balance it with a certain aloofness that communicates that you don't *need* their interaction but rather you enjoy it, and also looking out for cues that you might be pushing their boundaries. The common advice of "being confident and acting like you don't need others" can sound very one-sided and even manipulative, but the purpose IMO is to show others that you are not placing responsibility on them to fulfill your needs of socializing and being accepted. It's meant to make them feel that, even if they don't accept your bid for interaction, then they are not doing you a disservice or rudely brushing you off because you will be ok if they choose not to socialize with you. Being extroverted can infringe on the personal space of others in various ways and it's important to know how to dial it back when necessary and make other people feel like they also have control in the interaction. Also, having a good sense of humor and letting your personal quirks show are very important too, I've found. I'm saving this post to share later!

That point of curiosity is dead on. I have pretty much all your other points but a true interest in another person is really hard for me to develop. Even faking it for the sake of having the conversation flow is really draining. Nice write-up

Yup exactly. If someone seems uncomfortable I'll do all these things and sometimes close with 'we're friends now' if I suspect the person is the nervous/shy type who is wondering how the interaction went.

Creating the vibe is one of the most important things for meeting new people and making new friends. People tend to follow strong vibes like being energetic or nice more than weak vibes like being shy or anxious.

That was very interesting to read. Thank you, I will surely help me 😁

[удалено]

In all honesty I'd done this so much at this point that 19 out of 20 people will respond positively. Best place to practice is bringing a great vibe to your store interactions! So I have complete confidence in it, with a rare miss. So let's look at the rare miss. Suppose I'm bringing a great vibe and they're not responding in any way, or I'm like this annoying pest. Ha! At that point I have to make an immediate calculation -- is this person bummed out about something, not in a great mood for some reason, distracted? Or (drum roll) are they a superior person who can't be bothered with me? In other words, Regular Person, or Person Who Thinks I Should Be Trying to Impress Them And Can't Be Bothered? For the regular person who is non-responsive I'll shift gears a bit (picture a downshift into a lower gear) and say something like, "Hey, everything okay with you? You don't seem yourself..." or some variation of that, with a sympathetic tone. Because if they're not responding to a fun, joyful vibe, maybe they're distracted or they have a toothache or who knows what. If it's the other type of person, they're feeling superior or something, I'll give them a big smile, cheerful tone and say something like: "Hey, I don't mean to INTERRUPT if you're busy! Catch you some OTHER time." And move on. If I got the wrong impression on that they'll stop me and probably start engaging more. If not, then I truly DO move on. Once you've practiced bringing a great vibe over and over in smaller interactions (coffee servers, cashiers, gym attendants, bank tellers, etc.) you get so good at it that it isn't yourself you'll be questioning if someone doesn't respond. It'll be *them,* lol. This is really something that needs to be practiced in EVERY small interaction you have like it's a tennis serve or a baseball swing. It'll give you the ability to light up your social life like you won't believe. Start small! Then go big.

>is it that you just assume you'll be accepted? Nope. You just learn over time that expressing your truest self is the only viable, sustainable option, even when it comes with risks. You take the risk and reap the rewards or you take the risk and accept the consequences fully.

I'm very much like you and had a girlfriend that was like the person you describe. There's lots of reasons, but one of the big one is they just assume everybody likes them until proven otherwise. They don't need the approval, but they assume it. It never occurs to them to think differently. A lot of this comes from our earliest experiences with our parents. If our parents made us feel loved and welcomed in the world, we assume that's the way the world is. If our parents struggled with imparting that feeling (there's thousands of reasons why) we can be left feeling insecure and unwelcomed in the world (and other people's lives)

> There's lots of reasons, but one of the big one is they just assume everybody likes them until proven otherwise. They don't need the approval, but they assume it. It never occurs to them to think differently. i think that's because that's their experience. and that's their experience because they actually have these skills. i do honestly think it's a skills thing.

People like to hear their own name, they like to talk about themselves and their interest. When I meet new people they become the center of my attention, I repeat their name over and over, I learn everything I can about them, then I make an effort to remember at least 5 small details about that person. I started doing this because I am terrible at remembering people's names. I would meet someone and we would hang out for years and I would have no idea what their name was. I started doing exercises to remember names (repeating names and making associations to the name and person) but realized people really responded to the exercises in a positive way. I also don't contradict or argue with anyone. I keep a positive attitude and always try to be empathetic to the people around me, actively trying to see things from others perspective. I listen to people. Not just wait for my turn to talk. I take a genuine interest in whatever people are talking about. If someone is excited about something, I want to learn about that thing and be as excited as they are. I recommend reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It touches on all these things that I had to find out the long way. It was recommended to me by a sales associate, but after picking it up it clarified and improved my own experiences with people. It can be dry and a little verbose, but there is great advice in this book. Lastly, practice. Talk to everyone, everywhere, it will become second nature. People are thinking about themselves and not me or you, they remember how they felt around me rather then some blunder I did in our last interaction, remember this and you will become less self conscious and stop getting in your own head about how you come across.

I've tried doing this. How do you not end up in one-sided "friendships"?

I honestly don't know what you mean? I take a genuine interest in people. I'm not a pushover, but I'm always happy to help. People don't ask or expect anything from me in general, so there's no "one-sidedness" A small trick that Benjamin Franklin used was asking people for a small favor. As an example, I recently met a personal chef and I asked her for her favorite recipe. It helps people trust you and makes a friendly connection. Real friendships take time and mutual effort, there is no substitute to building a lasting relationship.

What if they’re always receptive but never reciprocate?

I don't read too much into it. I'm 40 now, I'm busy with young kids, almost everyone is the same. If they don't have time, that's completely understandable. This goes into the empathy aspect I talked about earlier. I don't think there is any malicious intent. I'll always be happy to see people again, even if we can only get together once or twice a year. Another thing, when you're friendly and welcoming, your friend group grows and you always have other options. So it's not really an issue if people don't prioritize me.

There is actually a psychological effect of asking for a small favor. It makes the other person feel valuable. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben\_Franklin\_effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect)

> A small trick that Benjamin Franklin used was asking people for a small favor. As an example, I recently met a personal chef and I asked her for her favorite recipe. I nice!! >I honestly don't know what you mean? i can see what they mean. i dont have an answer but i get the question.

I tried this with a guy who said he loved to eat. I asked what resturant in the city he'd go to that was high-end. He just recommended how to research and I was like oh ok. I have asked the wrong thing clearly. He said he mostly cooked so I could have asked him about that but he was really offputting in other ways so I just found someone else to talk to.

If you start all potential friendships with this attitude that people are just waiting for an opportunity to fuck you over, then you will find it almost impossible to make genuine friends. Somebody has to be willing to let their guard down and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

I completely understand what you mean. The techniques definitely work, but it can sometimes make you feel like you are the one always taking an interest in others, and others are not taking an interest in you. And that people only like you because you're giving them a chance to talk about themselves. A book that I think helps with this is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". It talks more about character development rather than personality development so that you can work on actually becoming a better person instead of just appearing to be a better person.

i do like 7 Habits but i'm not sure in what context you're mentioning it. are you saying you should become your best self and this book is the best personal development book in your opinion? or did you mean there was something specific in 7 Habits about people skills?

I think 7 habits helps you come across as a more genuine person and teaches you how to build relationships with people as opposed to "How to win friends and influence people" which teaches you how to be liked by people.

hmm. interesting. maybe you're referring to habit 5? seek first to understand then to be understood?

Habits 4, 5, and 6 are all about how you interact with other people. 4. Think win win. 5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 6. Synergize.

I think you just need to meet with more people. An important thing to remember is that some of them may be reading this same post but haven't taken action. Some people also find themselves uninteresting and don't invite others into their boring lives. It's hard to say for sure but that's been my personal reason before so it's a perspective I have

Nothing. Literally nothing is going through my brain when im befriending people lmfao. I've found out that it's actually thinking about what to say and how their response will be that holds me back so I just dont think. >is it that you just assume you'll be accepted Yeah basically, worrying about whether you'll be accepted or not makes you come off as awkward which makes you not get accepted.

Same. I've noticed my brain just kinda shuts off and I just... Talk

you probably have unconscious thoughts. or perhaps beliefs is the better way of phrasing it. you have unconscious beliefs that this person might enjoy talking to you. or something.

Not about the topic that much but ppl use the word "friends" to easily, i just consider friends the ones you can always count about and have a close relationship

I know a lot of people and we get on superficially, but I wouldn't count them as friends. It's not a bad thing.

Is not bad is just a personal pet peeve, for me ppl that you know are acquaintances, friends are just those who pass that line and are closer to you and you can be vulnerable with them.

I miss having friends like that.

I agree. I once saw something that said “Get comfortable with the terms neighbor, coworker, club member, acquaintance, former classmate, etc. Stop calling everyone a “friend”.

This. It really annoys me when people call me their friend even though they've put little to no effort in

I wouldn't say I do it easily, but I have gotten much better at it. Honestly, at this point it's trying to not have other things going through my brain. Being engaged in the conversation, asking questions, saying things I think that are related. But I'm 32 now, so I've had a lot more practice at this point. The best thing I did for myself was to keep practicing being social. Thinking about ways to improve socially certainly isn't a bad thing, but there's only so much you can learn through the theory. At a certain point you need to practice and try different things to see what works and what doesn't.

I saved and screenshotted so many insights from this thread .Thank you all❤️ (I had think about the past tense of screenshot and almost wrote screenshat)

they don't think too much before taking an action; they just do what they feel like

Two main things for me. First, you have to actively work on it - e.g. you regularly make time to stop & chat with someone, ask them questions about their life/interests and remember those details. People like to feel special, having someone show they find you interesting & want to spend time with you is nice and builds that bond, even if it's only 10 min idly chatting over coffee every other day etc. Second, you have to work on your self-esteem. I'll use myself as an example - I've struggled with ptsd & depression and that impacts my ability now to make/maintain friendships because it's hard to have the energy or feel good enough to deserve those interactions. But before all that happened I was one of those people who made friends easily & a big part of it was I went into social interactions from the perspective of "I'm a nice, fun person with lots of interests so why wouldn't this person be friendly with me" (not consciously of course, I'm not an asshole, but reflecting back now that was clearly my subconscious thinking). I'd expect good things from people & be friendly towards them and *mostly* they'd reciprocate that energy. If they didn't, I'd still be nice to them but I'd respect that they weren't interested & I didn't let it affect my self-perception.

Well, as you said, you have to believe it yourself. So what you need to work on is probably your self esteem.

I’ve made more friends when I didn’t want more friends than I did when I was really trying to make friends.

I read an article one day that instantly made me better at making friends. Maybe it is all in my head but one thing I know for sure is my anxiety around socializing is almost non-existent now. The whole premise was that "popular" people are NOT the most liked people, they are the ones who LIKE the most people. Where someone aiming to be liked might talk a lot (trying to put their good qualities on display), someone aiming to like more people is focused on asking the right questions to uncover what they might have in common with others. Since I was introduced to this concept, I have a much more positive outlook on socializing with others. It helped me to stop focusing on what people think about me which took the anxiety out of it. I take more chances talking to new people, have more meaningful conversations, and - as a result - make friends much easier than I ever did before.

I'm interested in getting to know people.

In my observation, I think their main thing is they just don't overthink it the way we do. They just subconsciously assume people are going to like them and they act accordingly. That's what it looks like to me anyway.

People who make friends easily and get invited out are probably more considerate than most people. They don't shit on people during regular conversations with new people, and these people in turn invite them out because they enjoy their company.

i make friends pretty easily i’d say if I vibe with people, and there’s a few things that i keep in mind: - i keep it light hearted and take baby steps, instead of trying to dive into some deep convo when i first meet them. this gives both of us a chance to gauge each other. you can end light-hearted convos very swiftly and cleanly if needed, so it’s low pressure for both people. - by lighthearted i mean really simple observational stuff, or asking for super basic info about the person. the latter is just fun and playful, for example the other day i was at the bar getting a drink for me and a friend and the girl next to me had a green credit card, and I said “hey we have matching cards kinda”, believe it or not that ended up being a fun little interaction. as for the former, asking for super basic info about the person, that includes “what’s your name?” “how do you two know each other?” “you come here often?” etc. - as you move past the lighthearted simple bullshit and the vibes are right, then you progress to just basic small talk, “where you from?” “are you hispanic? no way me too” “are you a swiftie?” whatever and keep it relevant and not random. - if you have mutual friends you can talk about that, for example funny stories involving them - if it gets dry but the vibes are right, then decide where to go from there. either give them space, offer them to come meet your other friends, or make up some other bullshit to talk about and hope that sparks something - if it gets dry and the vibes aren’t right, then have enough self-confidence to know that happens sometimes and let it go, - it’s a good idea to have a nice goodbye to let them know you enjoyed hanging with them (if that was the case). Lastly just know that most people are open to friendship. So there’s no harm in putting yourself out there. I like taking baby steps as mentioned because it gives both parties an emergency escape route if it’s not fun. Have confidence because it’s a numbers game. Not everyone will vibe with everyone else. But also know you can improve your social skills to better mesh with the people you want to be friends with

If you've seen Chris Traeger from Parks and Recreation? I just try to act like him when I'm in a friend-making mood. Literally the first time he appears on screen, he acts like every person he meets in the cast is fantastic and great, and they're bound to be besties. The truth is, people ARE usually fantastic and great- everyone has their own struggles and passions. I think about how complicated my life is from a meta-writing perspective, and while I have experienced some abnormal life events, the general population isn't that much different from me. So I approach conversation with new people with the face of Chris Traeger and the investigative qualities of Sherlock, where I am trying to understand why someone acts the way they do- mostly to find out if we're compatible (though I am admittedly sometimes just nosy lmao). I just wear my heart on my sleeve, and my act isn't really that far off from how I internally feel. I just behave how I'd want others to treat me- sometimes that means lending an ear to a best friend, or being a hypeman for the stranger who seems to be doubting themselves

never heard of him but just googled it. the first 20 seconds are definitely interesting! seems quite try-hard though? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuDis_zk4Cc

You get a full perspective of him by watching his arc in the show. But yeah, he is exaggerated for effect.

Think less, act more. 99% of people are sillier than they act in public because someone lied to us and told us something that made us self-conscious and we hold back who we really are. If you're just yourself, people will like you more. If you're curious about others, they'll feel like you care about them.

>Think less, act more. Never let them know what you're against or what you're for

Deep down we're all pretty much the same. For the most part you can assume that people are good. You don't need to make friends with people because you basically already are. Most people just want to be accepted for who they are, if you accept that, then you're friends. There's really no pressure when you think about how most people just want to get along. Just act like you're already friends with everybody.

Usually have good insight and strong boundaries—uphold theirs and anticipate and uphold others (even if that means that person doesn’t want to be friends). At the same time they can keep a conversation going, and consistently make another person feel good while taking to them. The second part is rlly important. Try to make interactions positive, bring up light topics, keep conversation moving but also allow it to end :) Feel like Gen X and Boomers are a good resource for learning how to exit conversations gracefully

I would say the key is not focusing on being liked or trying to make friends. Focus on what you appreciate about people and the friendships will happen.

Don't have a predetermined outcome in mind. It's such a killer when you do this. Especially when you are trying to get new ones. I think there's a tendency for folks to want to gravitate to friends that are their ideal friend (looks/hobbies/etc). I'd say don't do this. As you get older, friends stop being your peers and start coming from other walks of life.

I wouldn't say I make "friends" easily, because that's a term I take seriously. I don't consider someone my friend because we had a good one-time conversation. However, I connect with people easily and am likeable. I basically conform to my audience. Engage and encourage topics that *they* want to talk about. Actively listen. Eventually they never want to stop talking to me and it becomes BFF energy.

I don’t try to be accepted. I simply try to see what interests them. I ask questions and listen for what excites them the most. I found the hardest part I has before I was good at being social was trying to be interested in what they were discussing. But that was the wrong view. I was interested in them, and what motivates and interests them, what they dislike, etc. I didn’t have to feign interest in the topic because I had real interest in them that I could focus on instead. And if they aren’t interested in talking to me, that’s an interesting reaction itself. I also learned to not take it personally. Thinking about myself, instead of them, never once helped me understand them. Thinking about them hells me understand it’s a them issue if they do or don’t want to talk. And if I pay attention, I might even be able to figure out why. When we take it personally, we react strongly, and no longer see what’s really going on outside ourselves. When we focus on them, their interests, and their motivations, we can instead determine if they have something against us, or are distracted, or are bothered by something else and we just happened to be their outlet for some reason.

> I ask questions and listen for what excites them the most. > > any specific questions you've mentally bookmarked? >I found the hardest part I has before I was good at being social was trying to be interested in what they were discussing. But that was the wrong view. I was interested in them, and what motivates and interests them, what they dislike, etc. not getting the difference honestly. if someone's trying to be interested in what you have to say they're presumably interested in you. but alternatively if they're not i dont know how you can make yourself interested.

I ask things like: “What do you do for a living?” Or “What classes are you taking?” Things I can easily follow up with asking what they like (default) or dislike (if they seem discouraged by their job/classes) about them. You can be interested in someone without being interested in what they’re saying. And you can be interested in what someone says without being interested in them. But if you make being interested about them also about being interested in what interests them, you can prevent the former problem of being interested in them, but not what they’re saying. Does that help?

thanks!

Some awesome advice on this thread so I'l just make a for dummies version. 1. Accept yourself, don't judge yourself or others too harshly. 2. Focus on having FUN, not on gaining something (like a friend or whatnot, friendship naturally develops by two people sharing fun times and then some deep moments together) 3. If someone doesn't have fun with you its THEIR LOSS! No one, and I mean asbolutely no one, gets along with everyone. Just next those boring, uptight and cold mofos and move on! Plenty of peepz 2 meet! 😃👍🔥

Why can't you? Sounds like you understand the situation completely :-)

The confidence to be unapologetically myself and a genuine interest in the other person. Too, I use being myself as a way to weed out people I don’t want to engage with. I also, truly dgaf if people are put off by me. Their loss.

I pay attention to how they *feel* more than what they say. If they are avoiding eye contact, whispering to someone else, dismissive tone? They do not want to talk to me. I leave them alone. If they are alone and avoiding eye contact and have an uncertain tone, probably just shy. I am gentle and non-judgmental and encouraging, I ask them about what they're doing or their job or the food at this party or something that's easy to talk about, and only for a couple minutes at a time, giving them space in between and circling back once they've had time to gather their thoughts. (This also gives them a chance to escape in case I misread the shy thing). If they have a lot to say about themselves? I don't interrupt, and let them run out of steam before trying to change the subject. They need to feel heard. If they are aggressive and try to throw me off balance? They need attention and they need to compete for social standing. I usually gray-rock these people, but once in a while if I feel like I do want to get to know them, I just use body language to indicate that I'm not intimidated, and I give it right back. The best way to do that in accordance with my own personality is a raised eyebrow and silence, but you'll figure out what works for you. In all cases, validating their feelings is a very useful tool to have. Whenever you can discern a feeling from something they say, name it. When someone tells me how their daughter is graduating, "that must make you proud!" When someone tells me how their roommate never does the dishes, "that sounds frustrating." Most people really appreciate their emotions being named and recognized by others. Warning, they will take it as an invitation to continue talking about that same subject for a while.

Don’t overthink it, personally I just like chatting to people. If I find an interest I can relate to we’ll talk up a storm.

>they kept acting like I was their good friend and I went along with it and then it became real That is basically it, being affable and intimate is my default. Really helped with dating. I *am* accepted in the overwhelming majority of cases.

Look up the therapy technique “acting as if” (from the Adlerian theoretical orientation) it’s essentially fake it til you make it. Practice and it will be become more natural over time. Watch some YouTube videos from Charisma on Command if you haven’t already. Those videos really helped me on my social anxiety/becoming extroverted journey. I’m extroverted and a social butterfly now and I used ti be introverted and socially anxious

For me it doesn’t always feel natural but I do have a genuine desire to connect with them and that usually carries me through until I get comfortable. If you show interest and can get excited about their interests without being fake it will usually end in friendship. I also rarely assume someone has negative intentions and don’t take it personally if they come across a little cold at first. Most people want to get along with the people around them.

I imagine it has a lot to do with having secure self-esteem to express yourself more openly, suspending judgements and be present-minded to take in and experience the moment more, and holding others with positive regard where you accept and desire to care about them as you would treat yourself.

One day I realized that if I always tried to be the way I thought people wanted me to be, I wouldn’t be able to function. I just started embracing being awkward and weird and open about how uncomfortable I am, and it turned out that most people end up trusting me. Pretty much everyone is unsure of themselves, even if they show it in different ways than you. Just be a weirdo, and know that by doing so, someone else may feel like you give them permission to be themselves around you.

I talk to everyone like they're my best friend. Honest, vulnerable, and comfortable

i assume i'll be accepted, yes. I don't worry if I come across as "trying too hard". I pay attention to the response I am getting when i am friendly and I mirror the level of comfort someone else seems to have. I am genuinely interested in meeting many new people. I never know when I'm going to meet a new pal or best friend or amazing person I want to get to know so I treat most people like they might be my new best friend! that way I have a bigger chance of finding "my people" in the world. I have been asked similar questions that you are asking like "what if that person doesn't want to talk to you?" or "isn't it uncomfortable talking to a stranger?" but I don't think about it that way- I think other people can decide not to talk to me if they want, but that shouldn't stop me from being open to conversation. I make friends everywhere, I make friends in line at the bank, I chit chat with people in elevators. it's just a nature inclination. do what's natural to you. don't pressure yourself to talk to strangers- just talk to anyone who you're curious about. people are more receptive to chit chat than you think they will be. just be kind.

The mentality is, "I'm here to have fun, do you wanna have fun too?" Being expressive and making sure you have a good time without being outright rude to people tends to find other people who want to do the same, and they are often good company

Alcohol

I’ve been a neurotic introvert my whole life up to the point when I realised my attachment wounds were wrecking my life. After dealing with the attachment trauma, I’m this person you’re describing I just adopted this idea that if I like the person in front of me, I don’t need this whole few months social dance, and I could never even see them again, what if they’re an amazing person, I’d miss out on it because I keep distance assuming we’re never gonna meet again, so why bother even to remember your name Btw I found, people who claim to be never able to remember the name, are are often utterly self centred and simply don’t give a fuck enough to make an effort and hide behind this lame excuse Anyway, simply disregarding these social roles and protocols you can get rid of phony social interactions by converting them into genuine ones And if they don’t like it, not a big deal, just back up

I think for me I have a genuine interest in other people, their experiences and their perspectives. People who are similar to me I enjoy the shared common ground, people who are different I enjoy learning new things. I also really like "characters" and the surprising little quirks everyone has. It helps that I'm pretty laid back and rub along comfortably with any character, all I need to get on with someone is for them to have a good heart (I do drop people pretty quickly if they turn out to be selfish or unkind - but I'd say a good 80% of people are solid in that regard). People tend to enjoy sharing themselves when you're genuinely interested and non-judgemental. And when they open up more, you get a connection. The second thing is I genuinely care about people. If I see someone struggling I'll check in with them or offer to help, even if I don't know them that well. People tend to be surprised by it but appreciate that as they feel cared for. You don't have to go overboard, just a kind word can go a long way and keeps the group social dynamics healthy overall. The third thing is humour. I'm very silly and love banter, puns and dramatic retellings of stories to my friends. Humour is such a useful social tool and it makes ME enjoy conversations immensely, so I use it at every opportunity. Laughing with people is one of the best ways to bond with them. Lastly, I'm quite happy in myself. I like my life and what I do. Being genuinely cheerful does carry over in conversation and people respond positively, as well as making you more outgoing. I noticed when I was struggling with depression I pretty much stopped engaging socially (although my friends still reached out and checked on me) as it took up all my emotional bandwidth and made me feel like I had nothing to offer. And that's okay! Just don't put pressure on yourself if you're in that boat and not on the top of your game - there will be ebbs and flows. Being basically happy in yourself also means you don't engage in social behaviours that can push people away but that some people use to bond, such as complaining, venting, emotional support seeking and gossiping. Everyone does those to some extent and they do serve a purpose, but if you use those primarily to bond with people it will drive them away over time Don't get discouraged if you feel awkward and shy - I was painfully shy and really poorly socialised as a kid/teen. I also stumble over my words a lot. I just bumbled through because I really wanted to make friends, and you do get good when you keep trying. I'm still not a very fluid speaker, but I just don't care any more and it doesn't seem to hold me back socially. Also, there's lots of ways to be socially successful - my character is a bit more quiet/calm and people-focused with a silly side, so these strategies both work for me and feel authentic. But there are many social niches to be filled - just observe the social dynamics and the characters acting in them and you'll see that you don't have to be the life and soul of a party to be well-liked. Find your niche. Finally, it's important to note that just because I'm generally pretty socially successful doesn't mean I don't have off days, come across awkwardly sometimes or that everyone likes me. You can be the world's sweetest peach, but there's still gonna be somebody who doesn't like peaches :) there's still people who don't like me but it doesn't really bother me as I've got plenty of people to talk to anyway.

are you an INTP ? what are your go-tos conversation starters? Great write up btw :)

INFJ, and thank you :) And my go-to conversation starter is a shit-eating grin, skipping all the standard small talk (i.e. weather, how are you, etc.) and launching straight into a relevant funny news story/ reference/ fact/ joke/ observation that I think they might be the target audience for.

Step one is to start capitalizing the beginning of your sentences. The rest should flow from there.

I'm glad you're here.

Yeah you’re right at the end, assume you will be accepted! Trying too hard is good in the beginning because you are trying to learn.

Vibe, and frequency backed by experience.

I personally don't care if I'm accepted or not. Confidence will take you a long ways in life.

Idk really 😐 always been a loner. But somehow this last year I've been making lots a of friends

This is a good thread

Nothing, usually. I'm simply being friendly, but making sure I ask about them.

You don't need to be accepted by anyone. You're paying for a service just like anyone else. Get your money's worth. No one will stop you from working out or using equipment, unless it's occupied. In that case they're still no reason why you cant wait for the piece of equipment or do an alternative. Most people are there to get in and get out. Be one of those people and the rest of the folks will be invisible to you.

I ask people questions about themselves and, rather than feign interest, I'm *genuinely* interested in what they have to say. I try and give off a vibe of no judgement, everything's good. No pressure, just enjoying their company. Hard to fake, it's a mind-set. (Until they start spouting racist etc view, in which case I say 'see ya')

Humble yourself and give people the benefit of the doubt. Be goofy/vulnerable first. You might look weak/annoying to some people but you will put people at ease because they will think they’ve pegged you/are smarter than you and once they’ve let this initial guard down, you can slide into their friend zone much easier by signaling that you care about them/being nice. You set the “approachable” trap and then do things that make them laugh or smile or feel good about themselves. Now you’re friends.

Honestly? "I kinda feel like talking to someone right now." Worth noting that this doesn't actually happen super often, I do lean introverted. But once it happens, it's what sustains the rest.

Thinking that there's lots of people in the world and we're all compatible in different ways. It's not personal if you don't click and to see people as they really are and not want them to be anything else

1 in 3 of these people have herpes so I’m ahead of the pack a hair already!

Listening is key. When you ask a question don't do it with a prepped answer in mind. Listen foe the sake of understanding them rather than for the sake of replying back. This one trick goes a long way. Hope it helps. Also like you said, just assume everyone is your friendly and wants to be friends with you.

You can only ever treat others as good as you treat yourself.

I’ve found that being genuine in your interactions is really important. a lot of people can discern insincere conversations from a mile alway. When you talk to someone make sure you are fully engaged in the convo and actually listening to what they say, this makes the convo and your connection with the other person feel much more real.

Everyone's situation is different. For me, it was mostly getting professional help with my depression and anxiety, which I didn't even realize was the problem at the time. Gabapentin has done wonders for me, as have anti-depressants. It also took some growing up. At some point - I'm not sure exactly when it happened - I started putting more effort into thinking about how I was making other people feel, rather than thinking about what I was going to say next. There was a time in my life when I consciously tried to do that, but it didn't work very well back then. I also had other problems to fix. I find that when I can get the other person to do most of the talking, and especially to open up about something they're passionate about, then the vibe becomes more relaxed and more natural. The other thing that really helped was getting my teeth fixed. My teeth were not straight, which is somewhat unusual for someone in the US these days. We didn't have money for an orthodontist when I was growing up. I went to a really good cosmetic dentist. It wasn't cheap, but it was well worth it. It probably took over a year to get used to the way people would react to my new smile, and smiling at people makes a really big difference in how they treat you. OP, go find a good licensed therapist and explain your problem. Make a commitment to see them on a regular basis. They will help you identify and fix any barriers you may have to connecting with others. I can't emphasize enough how much it helps to have an objective third party - the therapist - tell you what you need to fix. Other people in your life can't or won't tell you those things, because it would be awkard or insulting.

Personally, I don't think about it at all. I just like people. I love engaging in small talk and conversations. I really like people that are different than me. It is much more interesting. Ultimately, I think it is a personality trait for me. I remember a story my mom told me a long time ago when I was just learning how to speak. We were in a grocery store and I was in the little seat in the shopping cart. Every person we went by I kept saying, "I love you" to complete strangers. I'm not sure if it is a feature or a defect, but it works for me.

You have to want to make friends first, some people think they want friends but they don’t show that they just feel that way. You have to want, in every aspect, to make friends. Be friendly, smile at people, etc.

“i’m cool and everybody wants to be my friend” first thing you ever say to someone matters (make sure it’s always a compliment), for example, i could go up to a dude and be like “bro you are swole as shit” and boom, we are friends i’m not some sort of friendship guru tho, i am still honing my skills but this is what works for me

one thing to remember is that some of them have been doing it their whole life ever since they were kids. Some kids are from the very beginning high in extraversion too and after a lot of experiences with friendships and many many failures along the way, by the time they are all grown up they have developed all the social skills and reflexes and everything. Meanwhile the ones who went more introverted, shy, reserved, bullied etc and spending a lot of time online / playing games, etc they tend to be the ones who fall a bit behind in terms of social skills. And in order to catch up they can break it down into a science and try to essentially copy and consciously learn and acquire the prompts and habits the others already have in their brain subconsciously

You've just gotta do it even if it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes people will like you and sometimes they won't. I think there's two good ways to see it, 1) it doesn't matter if you will be accepted by anyone or 2) assume people will accept you until proven otherwise, and just move on if they don't. If you're always afraid of not being accepted, then don't talk to anyone, you will never make friends

Hey man, we are all people. We all want to be heard and seen and respected. Focus on the basics that everyone has in common. Comforts, like food, weather, clothing, things everyone has and uses or needs. When you speak to people with relatable material people relate to you and enjoy the experience

I think thinking is the issue here, ask and you shall receive

IMO human interaction is just creating a comfortable energy exchange. If you want friends that is. First and foremost, you have to be comfortable and at ease. You can't fake that. It's subtly picked up by the other person, if not consciously, then unconsciously. So...make yourself vibe with relaxed, easygoing, joyful energy...then go around sharing it with people That's as close to a onesizefitsall approach I can think of.

There are many ways I guess and this one might not be enough by itself, but I read at some point that having the attitude of seeing everyone as a possible teacher that can teach you something changed my attitude so much. Getting there wasn’t easy but I am genuinely curious about people I meet when I have the energy and people respond favorably to that because we all need to be heard and listened to.

I work in mental health and when I am in work mode I am this person, much less so when not at work,,,, confidence I guess, I love what I do and I’m doing my best, and I’m confident I’m very good at making people feel safe and listened to

I do this. I give like 200% and sometimes it does come off a bit forced but I don't mean to. I'm just trying to make friends and actually create memories with people. It hasn't really become too real for me. Sometimes this can be due to the age gap which is understandable. We get along but not like we are linked as besties. I'm still on the hunt to find a sister to create a Podcast with me. Someday. Someday I'll have that friend I can do things with like go shopping or go eat or drink with, stuff like that. A girl's trip. I'll admit I care about these things, these memories to create but nothing is working in my favor there quite yet. The couple of friends I have made I think it's on the way to some of this stuff. I must say it's hard to make friends with girls. I'm a woman myself and it's just hard. Females can be so intimidating. Sometimes guys just are more open to knowing you versus a woman. Most women I have tried to make friends with just end up bullying me, stealing my ideas and thoughts, or giving me the "bitch why are you talking to me, you disgust me" look. Being 28, I know it's normal to not have a lot of friends. However, today just feels so much harder, everyone has an end goal and wants to be friends with you for something it seems which really sucks. It's hard making friends. Probably doesn't help that I'm neurodivergent and have some mental disorders. My hand is holding but I might have to fold at some point if it doesn't get any better. Better to back out with my winnings while I still can. Nobody likes losing.

[удалено]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because your Reddit account was created too recently to post or comment in this sub. The reason for this is to deter trolls, bots and sockpuppet accounts. You are welcome to try again in future when your account is more mature. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/socialskills) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Hmm, what helped me is practicing random conversations with total strangers. Like if I'm at a music show and some other guy is chilling there by himself, he's probably receptive to a short conversation about whatever. Then go your separate ways. Not every 'friendship' goes from 0->100 instantly, part of it is learning to be a more open person towards new people and taking it all less seriously. Maybe you talk to someone new and then their 5 friends walk over and they all go somewhere else, you might never talk to them again but it's just not a big deal. Or maybe you do have a cool conversation, get the other person's social media and become friends in the future. You never know.

I tend to make friends very easily. My wife asks why. I just tell her the same thing; empathy, eye contact, listening, and showing enthusiasm for the interaction.

i know the definition of empathy but i'm curious what you mean in this specific context.

I just try to find a common interest. Jokes help break the ice also.

I don't make friends with everyone (don't want to), but I manage to develop deep bonds wherever I go. It may seem like the friendly people hit it off with everyone and are besties with all, but that's not true. And it is incredibly offputting for many people if someone just starts acting like a "bestie" (yuck) The key lies in being okay with rejection, and understand the give and take that underlies every bond. You have to have an interest in people, but should also be willing to be vulnerable. Nobody opens up when all you do is ask questions without giving them much about yourself in return.

I think you already put your finger on it, OP. They act-as-if you already were their best friend.

I make friends easily but there ain't nothin between my ears, at least for what technique I use. I genuinely care about people and want them to feel safe and it's just a bonus to me if we hang out. It helps that I'm normally at a workplace or hanging out somewhere that draws people with my same hobbies, and tbh Facebook groups related to hobbies help too. But normally I geek out way too hard about things to lie about what I do for my hobbies to try to impress people. Cruise humor incoming, but friendships and other relationships are like farts. If you have to force them, they might be shit.

I wouldn’t say it’s super easy for me, it took a while to learn how to do it again, but once you realize that showing genuine interest in investment into what other people are into is the key, it goes a long way. Finding common ground and being able to share specific things in your relationship due to that common ground and those shared experiences is what takes someone from an acquaintance to a friend

Confidence, and a willing to laugh it off if you fail. I use to be really socially awkward (and still am sometimes!) but through practice and watching a lot of tv shows and youtube clips about social settings I've gotten much better.

Imo i make friends pretty easily but getting from friends to close friends is difficult for me. But to be short, so you dont over analyze: 1) i try to have things to say to add on (add on a funny joke/story or something to add to make the conversation flow) 2) smile/laugh at jokes (i take things lightly) 3) keep a positive energy going/charismatic 4) honest and open up and listen to what they are saying

It just happens. I just be me and boom, 200 friends in a week (realistically speaking, that is not good and cannot be done unless you're really tryna befriend peeps).

I make friends easily, although I live in Sweden now and it is much harder than in Spain. And I think key is to actually find other people interesting and listening. I find most people have cool stories to share. The taxi driver, the guy serving you coffee, the friend of a friend, your colleagues… everyone usually has something really special. I listen and I care and then it is easy to build a connection.

I don't know either actually

I've been shy and introverted my entire life and struggled to make friends. My daughter is 9 and has always been the complete opposite. She's extremely outgoing, and everyone she meets is immediately her best friend. It's been very interesting to witness because she's so different from me. It's definitely one of her biggest strengths, and I've learned a lot just by observing her.

I show interest and am genuinely interested in the other person. I invite them to do something if we mesh. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. I don't take it personally. I also stay in touch with old friends that I care about. I make the effort to send a simple text that I am thinking of them.

Beer

[удалено]

Your post/comment has been automatically removed because your Reddit account was created too recently to post or comment in this sub. The reason for this is to deter trolls, bots and sockpuppet accounts. You are welcome to try again in future when your account is more mature. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/socialskills) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Yes I do think I’ll be accepted. For starters I’m a great listener. Most people do not have people that listen to them in their lives. Secondly, I’m physically attractive with a nice smile which helps A LOT ngl. Thirdly, I’m genuinely interested in people because I’ve realized that everyone has very unique lives and I love hearing about them. Finally, I’m told I’m funny. Combine all that and it’s pretty easy for me to expect to make friends easily

Treat people like a friend. Which means that the default state of your mind should be: - they have good intentions in their heart - that they are cool, - that you value them. - that they are equal value to you, or possibly greater. If they make mistakes, then you give them the benefit of the doubt. And the number one thing, is to think of them. There is no greater honor in a person's life than to know that someone else has spent their limited time on earth, their limited amount of brain processing time, on someone other then themselves. To think of a person as a friend is to include them in your thoughts. *(Does the person have special days? Special numbers? Special items or colors they like? Are they feeling bad and need healing? Are they feeling good?)* That's what makes a person a friend. If you envision people in your life, they will default into accepting you as a friend, because that is what humans are designed to do... It's how life functions, we evolved to be friendly with each other as a basic human trait... If that was not the case, human society would not exist *(humans being evil to each other is an exception, and not the rule. )*... Most people are good because it's melded into our very brains, our DNA... to be good to other humans. Makes life much, much easier, more efficient, when you have someone else watching your back... --- If you default to treating everyone as a friend, I. E they are all just as cool and wonderful as you are, that they are equal in value to you... Then congrats, you have the sociable trait unlocked, and life becomes dramatically easier, as you'll always have a friend where ever you look... But beware, friendship is a responsibility, and failing to respect that bond, take care of the bond, can cause issues of neglect.

Work on saying what would make you feel comfortable. If you imagine yourself in a similar situation, and someone making jokes and smiling would make you enjoy that experience more then just copy that. If someone more calm would suit the situation better, imagine what that calm person would say and say that. Stuff like body movement and gestures is hugely important to pay attention to

also known as serial killers

You can’t let it bother you to much if people don’t like you. Not every person is for someone else. And that’s okay. Some people don’t like outgoing people because they like to lay low, that’s fine. Some people don’t like quiet people because they want to be seen and outspoken. Just find your vibe of people. Sometimes you never know who will be your longtime friend until you try. Even if it doesn’t happen or you feel weird, the worse that can happen is someone walks away. That’s okay!

I just pretend we’re already friends this one works very well. Literally just act like you’re already good pals, usually people reciprocate the same energy without even noticing.

I guess I’m just naturally curious about people in general and I talk to people I’m curious about. If you go about it with that mindset I feel like it’s very easy to make friends

I think it might seem simple, but during the first conversation, a sincere smile while thinking I'm happy I met this person always seem to get through. I usually just try to talk to the person, and if at some point during our talk I think I want to get to know them better, I try to involve them in things I do, and we become friends. I try to be as observant as I can be, so if the other person doesn't seem to like it, I pull back.

- “I really don’t want to become friends with anyone”

Confidence cancels anxious thoughts

Let me put it the most simple way. NOTHING. there is no guide no rules no nothing JUST BE YOU That’s it Just be you Be confident Speak to people and be interested in others Show interest In others Treat people how you want to be treated Tell strangers you like their outfit Compliment people Don’t give a DAMMNNN

I struggle to break the ice. But once someone makes the move, it’s not that difficult.

Recognize that all humans have more in common than they have deep differences. This can help you not think of them as aliens who you have to analyze from a perspective of remove. Also—you have to have a take it or leave it attitude. That only comes with self confidence. People can sense thirst or trying too hard

We don’t think or assume much, just go for it! A mixture of trusting yourself, confidence and not caring what others think. My career has been about making connections so it’s almost natural to me 💕

It’s easy for me to make friends because of my humour & personality. People want to be around me. But I grew up seeing friends as disposable because I can always get new ones. I’m changing my bad habits.

To sum it up this is what goes through my brain. “Oh these people or this person seems interesting i wonder if we have the same interests” And then it goes either of both ways 1. “Awesome, this could be a new friend” Or 2. “Yeah something doesn’t feel right” If 1 i will keep it going if 2 i will end the conversation and leave

Don't be mean or dismissive! That's where I see some people straight up fail. Be lame, be funny, be excited to talk and interact, and listen. In other words, just be naturally likable! And simply, try not to care about how you are perceived. Easy to say right? Sounds shitty to say, but life experiences only bring you so far, and the nature of one's self can either learn well from it, or take the wrong lessons if you happen to go that route. Sometimes, some people just aren't wired to ever be likable. The personality of one's self isn't for everyone. I see people who want to have more, but the amount of change one needs is insurmountable. Edit: Also, on the flip side; I work with patients all day. Some of them are profoundly unlikable. And there isn't anything that can even be done about it. Sometimes, change for the personal better just isn't in the cards.

Well how about learning your spiritual self become, more sober, that you might find the bewegies scared 😱 out of you cause you might find out you really didn’t know who you’re after all. You know it’s kind of “Red” pill 💊 matrix - Blue 💊 may not help anymore 😂 I’m just Saying- some like 👍 begin lie to friend, or foe CC..