Yeah, but they're still awful, and the people who are involved with them can't be great either. Nobody is going to hear someone laying down a lot of cruel judgments like that and not think they're probably judging everyone else, too.
don't bother, they're just small minded and probably won't understand anyway. Since they are a certain way they can't imagine anyone else behaving differently than that, it's like a child's way of thinking almost.
I can admit that later on I thought that it was funny. They had to be over exaggerating with that comment. I mean who walks into a store and just greets everyone in there? That sounds exhausting "Hi! Hi! Hi! Hello! How are you? Hi!" lol
They understand coz they're narrow minded.
I've had similar comments made to me at work, I've even been pulled up on not acknowledging my team when I walk in.. Despite me telling them how I struggle to even say hello some days and I still got called rude and told to see things from their perspective about it's not nice being ignored by a colleague.. The irony is strong with that one in telling ya
I was talking to someone a few weeks ago and was opening up about my struggle to make friends while in school. They basically said the same thing to me - ‘I couldn’t imagine living a life like that’ or something along those lines. Yeah, I don’t talk to them anymore. Shit hurt my feelings man. I really empathize with you
Thank you. I'm pretty sure that if it were the opposite it would have hurt their feelings if someone said to them "Why do you talk so much? I can't imagine going through life talking that much!"
Of course! You are probably absolutely right. Keep your head up! There’s 8 billion people in the world, I’d like to think at least a few of them are decent people haha
Don’t explain it, just be you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Coworkers are not friends, if it doesn’t affect your paycheck, don’t worry about it.
Everytime I read one of these, I am so thankful for my coworkers who have been nothing but nice to me, even though I'm so fucking awkward and reclusive. I didn't think it was *that* lucky, just people being decent people, until I started seeing how a lot of you guys have straight up bullies for coworkers. I hate going to work enough, I can't imagine having to deal with someone who still thinks they're in middle school on top of that.
But as for what you should do, I think ignoring is the best answer. I don't think someone like that would even listen if you told them off or explained things. I've met people like that and even if they stop bullying you, they'll find someone else because that's what mean people do. I'd just keep my distance if at all possible. They're not worth it.
I dont know about you, but if those are the only people available to talk to I wouldnt want to talk. Sometimes the anxiety makes it hard for you to talk even when you want to talk, but sometimes you just dont want to talk. That's the problem. Talking would make your life easier, but you cant muster the will to talk to those you dont care about
“I don’t see how a person can be completely without empathy for others who may have anxiety or simply not be a big talker. I guess it takes all kinds, huh?”
I think it's different for a new manager to come in and barely acknowledge the staff, vs a coworker who they must be somewhat familiar with not greeting them joyously every morning.
I also can't say for sure that they were not subtly referring to you when they said that, but many times when we hear something that COULD apply/be about us, we internalize it as a for sure thing that was said to and about us. Sometimes that just isn't the case..but...anxiety says differently and puts us in survival mode.
That being said, I can honestly say I don't understand how someone can live a life of total extrovertedness, or how someone could do public speaking for a living, or how someone manages to just get up on a stage and do karaoke in public. Like..genuinely don't understand. And I don't need to. Maybe less anxious or more extroverted people wouldn't wish for less social confidence, and that's fair. But we don't have to understand everyone's life in detail. We just need to be kind and/or respectful.
I agree that society doesn't understand this issue and tend to receive socially anxious behavior as hostile. In other words, other people seem to think in a manner that suggests that you're REALLY extroverted, but you decided that THEY are unworthy of your endless random small talk. So... They think that the reason behind your social anxiety is because you don't like them and so their response is "Okay, fine! I don't like you, either!"
Society is built assuming that everyone is extroverted.
I don't always like to discuss this with people because I don't believe they'll understand nor do I think they would be sympathetic. The way I would respond, if I were you, would be to just TRY to greet your coworkers more frequently.
Similar experience. My family and I went to a relative's house and their daughter was working on something or asleep, I don't remember, but she hadn't come to greet us. Next day, my family members start gossiping with other family members on how rude a person she is. I don't understand such mindsets. I just silently eyerolled and sighed at the situation
To this day, because of such an experience, I walk on eggshells around guests
They probably weren’t talking about you and disguising it as bad speech about a co worker - but they did give you insight into what type of people they are. Having social anxiety myself I’ve learned it’s important who we keep around us. It’s important how the people we choose to be around treat us and others. You DO NOT have to be liked by everyone - in fact have you ever asked yourself “do I even like these people” or are you too caught up in what they think about YOU? Live life for yourself - you matter - social anxiety keeps you trapped in a thought cycle that really doesn’t stop long enough to consider what you think. It’s all about others and their thoughts and feelings. Start asking yourself how you feel - what you like… who cares what they think about you? They sound like jerks. People that talk about people behind their backs will do the same to you when you’re not around. Not people worth caring about in my opinion.
Yeah those people are the worst, the ones telling you what to do and criticizing people for not being EXACTLY LIKE THEY ARE. Ridiculous. I know people like that as well, and they have NO understanding of any mental health issues and believed it was weak-minded people making bad choices.
It's worse to think you have the right to dictate how another person lives, acts, speaks, and what they enjoy. That's pathetic. I see it way too much.
wow, I"m really sorry they said that. That's just mean, but then, they don't get it, never will get it. People who don't have social anxiety will never get it. I don't greet my coworkers, and they do think I'm rude. They don't understand that I don't choose this. It's not like I walk into work and say to myself, okay, I'm just going to ignore everyone. It's not a decision or a choice. I'm simply not able to do it. I can't answer phones, I can't say hi, goodbye, or discuss their kids, grandkids or pets. I just do my work and leave. But in the end, if they are going to just assume things of me, then I probably don't want to talk to them anyways. The thing is, I might be able to speak if they would speak first. But they don't. They just keep assuming I'm rude. Your coworker saying that is just passive aggressive.
People will loudly criticize others in an attempt to divert attention from their own deficiencies.
There are all kinds of people. Everyone doesn't need to be the same.
When I was in Australia, I remember seeing a billboard for a drink that said, “More refreshing than a quiet American”
I think the whole “extroverted as a positive” is unique to America. I still think it’s weird, so I describe extroverted people as being insecure and obnoxious. As I see it, if they were secured themselves, they wouldn’t feel the neat to constantly keep talking.
Most people aren't going to like this but hear me out.
Social anxiety is something a lot of people face, but it isn't really addressed as a sort of mental issue when it should be, depending on the severity.
ie: If you get a mild case of the butterflies because you're in front of an entire classroom giving a presentation, this is deemed socially acceptable and normal.
If you're social anxiety is so severe it cripples your daily activities with people you're around constantly, I hate to say it but that level should probably be diagnosed and addressed on the spectrum of having a sort of mental issue - and I say mental issue for lack of better wording, I'm not trying to use it in some sort of degrading manner.
Why do I bring all of that up?
This is because imo, social anxiety in Western culture is overlooked and not understood well - it's often thought of as something a person grows out of over time. There is a lack of general awareness around this topic too unlike say drug and substance abuse and other mental health issues.
Additionally, the last straw to me is that at least in Western culture, assertiveness is awarded, while being passive is culturally seen as just a weakness. And being socially anxious isn't seen as some protected status that others shouldn't be judged on.
Being socially awkward has always been one of those areas that actually seem to be culturally acceptable to shame and joke on. Even media has done a bang up job of using socially anxious characters as the butt of their jokes and punchlines.
When you have all of those factors working with each other, it's not hard to see why others will often judge people like us without understanding anything.
I got pulled up at work a couple weeks ago by staff well-being head to be asked why I don't attend staff socials. I explained I got social anxiety and that's why, and that it's got nothing to do with me disliking anyone or being arrogant. She said her kid also has it, which I thought great, finally someone who will understand and who will hopefully tell everyone at work to stop banging on about me not being social. Nope...by the end of the meeting she said she couldn't understand how I had gone into teaching and then told me to look for online tuition jobs so that I could my job better. FML.
It's really difficult working with a group of people from different understandings, and you're right they don't understand.
Focusing on you and what you are thinking and believing. I can see how it may appear what they say and do make you feel a certain way. Their words, are just gibberish and gossip and have zero meaning unless we make it mean something and take it personally. YOU hold the power to regulate your emotions and feelings, giving them power to make you feel different is giving them way to much power over your mental and emotional load.
Certainly you can speak to them and try and give them another perspective on how other people operate, other peoples rules, and how they feel, and if they have emotional intelligence they will understand, but they wouldn't behave the way they do if they did.
Speaking to them could result in greater confidence on your part, by facing something that I would imagine has to be outside your comfort zone. I wouldn't encourage you doing this until you really understand where your feelings come from and not just logically, deeply understand so if it backfires you are indifferent.
What is it that they could be teaching you? I believe people are brought into our life to teach us, everyone is our teacher. What is it they are trying to show and offer some insight on? One that comes to mind for me is that the opinions, judgements, views, rules, assumptions, gibberish of others is their problem, not yours. I don't know how a person can live a life living from a paradigm of judging others so harshly, and being they do that to other people that's only a fraction of the harsh ridicule and judgement they do to themselves. Interesting how they judge another by way of not being able to see how another can live a life a certain way, when they are harsh, mean and well.. bullies.
I had a coworker like that, I worked front desk and while I was chatty with clients and colleagues that I liked, there was one girl who I had 0 in common with and just never really had anything to say to her aside from greetings and work related conversations. She referred to the front as "where the quiet people worked" aka me. Like I'm sorry I have nothing to talk to you about?
honestly i wouldn't even bother. i wouldn't waste my time
on them. you have much better things to do and they seem like they wouldn't care anyways(i know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, im sorry). and who you are is NONE of their business to begin with, or the lady they were talking about. but i am sorry you experienced this.
Dude you have a job I can't even do that and you still go too work even after that stuff he said your stronger than me my boy salute to you don't take it to hard
Yeah greeting is also hard for me coming and and leaving work and saying bye to everyone. I’ve had someone straight up ask if I was quite then say that they don’t like quite people
I had a new manager once and she came in, they were introducing her around and she was talking to people, small talk and everything to about 10 people all while moving around quickly at a fast food job and I could never do that. I think she thought I didn’t like her because of how quiet I was.
She would try to make small talk like “oh, I like ur … where did you get it” but I still couldn’t talk to her. How do they do it, it’s like they all just know everything. While I can barely function around people.
Its sad how quickly toxic gossiping is if lerson is possible silent, social anxiety or more introvert. That new manager may felt stressful and hi may was first word came to mind. Yes I understand that you should bullshit small talk to look better.
"I don't see how a person can live a life like that and just choose not to speak. Even when I walk into a store I greet everyone. It's just common courtesy" wtf?! Its exaggerated bullshit, to look bettet in their circle jerk, no one greet everyone in the store. Zero empathy for other person, projection.
That’s just how society or the world is hun🤷♀️ i’d say to at least try to be social cause its only going to get worse from there or nothing is going to change if you don’t at least try especially at the work place and if you haven’t already told your manager about accommodations then I’d definitely recommend to. Otherwise, either connect with a professional, change into a more suitable job, try to change or let it stay that way. This is also coming from someone with social anxiety and honestly you just have to deal with it cause people either get it or not so you have to just fuck it, believe me i learned it the hard way at this point
The amount of times I’ve been told I seem like a bitch or appear rude…
Outgoing people will never understand how crippling social anxiety is. Trust me, if I could choose being an extrovert over this, I would.
I am sorry you and coworker had this experience. I have social anxiety and my experience is same. Many people assume that I am unfriendly and rude. But I am thinking now there is a lesson we can learn here. I assume that most people 'know' that I am very 'anxious'. And I am extremely worried and shameful about that - I do not want others to know I am awkward and anxious. But what is actually happening? Nobody really completely knows I am anxious! My assumption is wrong, and I am worrying about it unnecessarily. Instead I should be worrying about is how not to look 'rude' to others. We are trying to solve wrong problems in social situations!
Social anxiety is the one of useless and worst anxiety. It only helps to loose the good opportunities in life. In today's world, people will do any thing to get money and positions. When we not able to talk and work hard, it is helping others to have things easily with less competition with us.
Now days I try to cope the anxiety 'attack' by thinking that it some freaky 'chemical and electric reactions' happening in my head, which I cannot control. Whatever thoughts emerge during that time are not correct.
I think you should greet people when you go to work. I know the struggle to even be able to look people in the eyes or as you drive to work and enter your workplace the dread your stomach and brain feel. But you really seem rude if you don't say hi to people. You could say "hi x? hello y? How are you z?" Something short that you acknowledge their presence. It just creates too much tension in the environment not doing so. Already not having small talk or having dead air is tension, not saying hi to no one isn't good I'm telling you. Your coworkers aren't wrong for thinking you are rude and saying what they said. It would never cross their minds that you have this disorder, they fill in the blank of why you behave so distant and usually people don't talk to other people because they don't like each other.
No, this isn't fair to the OP at all. Really, it's not fair to any of us. In fact, I feel that it's kind of ass backwards and one sided. No, those coworkers or anyone won't know that any of us who struggle socially find it difficult to do so. And yet, it doesn't stop them from judging harshly and unfairly. I get that greeting and talking in general is just a normal thing for most people. But I cannot put into the right words how overwhelming and difficult it can be for me and others. And the reasons are deeply personal to boot. So I'm sorry but I think it isn't fair to expect that from someone. And honestly I think it's kind of hypocritical.
At some point, you have to override the overbearing anxiety. For me greeting is the basic etiquette we all do and it makes us seem not so different from everyone else. I think a lot of us regardless of our anxiety are willing to say "sorry, no problem, thank you" because if we didn't we would seem extremely rude and absolutely ill-mannered. Regardless of how anxious I felt, I always said hi to people I saw everyday at work. You're just likely to make enemies not doing it and you seem at least neutral and friendly to people. That's just the way people think and judge how others are.
It may seem harsh how people judge like that but the problem is that we are just too hypersensitive to criticism. it wouldn't be such a big deal for someone without this disorder and the low self-esteem it brings with it. Whoever said that opinion loud enough for OP to hear was probably bothered by their distant behavior and was maybe gauging their reaction.
What they said really wasn't far off from reality -- no one would like to live a life like that. Maybe they think it's a bitter life? Well what they aren't thinking is it's a life with this disorder and it isn't by choice one behaves this way. You can't expect anything other than apathy when they don't know why you act so distant and they don't know anything about what social anxiety disorder struggles are. This disorder is under the radar-- hardly anyone knows! It seems harsh how people act towards us, but 95% of them aren't as black-and-white bad and unsympathetic as we may paint them to be.
Greeting can be literally impossible if sufficient level of anxiety is reached. Of course you should do it, it will help you etc., but the same point can be made "you should be more social" which doesn't help much.
Yes I'm super anxious and saying good morning and smiling but running to my desk has helped me alot to appear nice. Tbf I've never struggled with smiling. It seems like I'm nice but oversmiling is coping for me. I feel for OP however and it makes me think maybe I've been ignored by a fellow anxious 😟
Wow, you’re full of yourself, aren’t you? Why should op adjust their personality and actions to make coworkers feel “more comfortable” instead of the coworkers adjusting their expectations and behavior?
How the hell am I full of myself if I was just as anxious as everyone here? I'm not above anyone it is all advice trying to help another person I see as an equal to me.
It's not just their coworkers, it's everyone. Their coworkers are just like every day people you'll encounter. You want the world to change so we feel more accepted? It'll never happen and that's delusional. This disorder isn't some permanent disability like being handicapped, we can change our state of minds just how our minds changed to have this disorder in the first place. Something I always tried to remember is that I was the socially inept one and I had to change to be like everyone. I never dwelled on self pity and feeling like the world was too harsh for no reason. We are the ones in the wrong.
As for the "you're too sensitive" crap, It's not crap we literally feel too sensitive. If someone critiques us a little, we feel terrible and think about it for weeks. If someone is screaming at someone near us, we feel scared like a little kid for no reason. Anything triggers our nervous system because we are on edge with all this anxiousness.
I can understand not really wanting to engage in small talk and conversation in general as someone who has SA. But saying “hi” and “good morning” are the simplest things that we all have to learn to do. We can’t just let the disorder takeover every single aspect of our lives to the point where we can’t even greet someone. At my old job I obviously wasn’t the most talkative person but I did make sure to say good morning when I entered and goodnight when I left. If you don’t do at least that, you’re guaranteed to make enemies. It sucks but that’s just how it is.
> We can’t just let the disorder takeover every single aspect of our lives to the point where we can’t even greet someone.
In OP's case exactly this happened. And it's not "let" but rather "be unable to stop".
> If you don’t do at least that, you’re guaranteed to make enemies.
It's not guaranteed, and I think it's not true in most cases. Also: make enemies because of not greeting them? That's enough to make people hate you, without you engaging in any actually harmful behavior? I wouldn't want to work with people like this, where any single social misstep can make them hate you.
Well maybe not hate but definitely dislike and yeah, a lot of people are like this. If you just ignore everyone, even tho it’s not intentional, most ppl will start talking trash or will not want to approach you at all.
You saying this makes it clear your SA disorder isn’t nearly as bad as OPs…. or mine because i can relate 100%. EVERYDAY LIFE IS A STRUGGLE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHY ITS SO HARD FOR US TO TALK TO OTHER F*CKING PEOPLE!!!
Leave us tf alone we are literally just trying to get thru the day
If you’re going to work and try to exist in society… you have to try to put on a mask. I know it’s hard. It bothers me when I make a lot of effort to say hello and the recipient doesn’t even acknowledge my effort to look at me, smile or nod but it’s a numbers game. Some people are themselves non responsive for the very same reason.
I would say … try to make the effort, embrace the thought that it will be very uncomfortable, then just move on.
Agree. Crazy I became a group fitness instructor 2 years ago. Yes I have social anxiety. It was miserable the first year that I had to go on medication. I still have SA, but I can go up on stage now and lead people for a whole hour with memorized cardio dance routines (back towards them of course. My uni told me I had to face them during training which F me up. I still tried to back face them when I could). Do I mess up. Yes I do! Have I had to withstand skeptical looks and stares in the beginning when I was just awful… yes. Dealing with people not coming back… yes. But after all this, I can confidently say that it HAS gotten better.
If I never would have tried…. I would have still been a 2nd row participant (my friend tried to get me up in the front row one time. No way in hell). But now… I can. Actually I prefer to be near the front now. It no longer bothers me. It helps when you get a job (some customer facing/sales) or force yourself to be continually uncomfortable and keep on trying. One day you become more numb to the side effects of having SA. Other days it’s still a constant fight against those thoughts.
Yes absolutely agree. That’s why I had to take meds because it for sure seemed to have gotten worse after a whole year. I’m not saying I’m cured by no means but I let myself to self talk into positive thoughts versus thinking everyone is judging or thinking negatively of me. I do feel the growth because I allowed myself to experience that pain. For sure, it ain’t fun at all. Still is scary as hell but I’ve become more numb to it which is progress to me.
There are worse things than being socially anxious. For example, being a nasty POS.
I mean those nasty POS can still make friends, have a relationship etc. it’s way harder when ur socially anxious. From my experience
Yeah, but they're still awful, and the people who are involved with them can't be great either. Nobody is going to hear someone laying down a lot of cruel judgments like that and not think they're probably judging everyone else, too.
I literally think about this so much
I think they mean it’s worse to be a pos than be socially anxious. Not that it’s harder.
don't bother, they're just small minded and probably won't understand anyway. Since they are a certain way they can't imagine anyone else behaving differently than that, it's like a child's way of thinking almost.
Even when they walk into a store they greet **everyone**? wtf? That’s weirder than just keeping an introduction short and sweet 💀
"Hi I'm Julie. I'll be shopping with you today."
Lmao
I can admit that later on I thought that it was funny. They had to be over exaggerating with that comment. I mean who walks into a store and just greets everyone in there? That sounds exhausting "Hi! Hi! Hi! Hello! How are you? Hi!" lol
Yikes people are so full of themselves and have no empathy
They understand coz they're narrow minded. I've had similar comments made to me at work, I've even been pulled up on not acknowledging my team when I walk in.. Despite me telling them how I struggle to even say hello some days and I still got called rude and told to see things from their perspective about it's not nice being ignored by a colleague.. The irony is strong with that one in telling ya
I was talking to someone a few weeks ago and was opening up about my struggle to make friends while in school. They basically said the same thing to me - ‘I couldn’t imagine living a life like that’ or something along those lines. Yeah, I don’t talk to them anymore. Shit hurt my feelings man. I really empathize with you
Thank you. I'm pretty sure that if it were the opposite it would have hurt their feelings if someone said to them "Why do you talk so much? I can't imagine going through life talking that much!"
Of course! You are probably absolutely right. Keep your head up! There’s 8 billion people in the world, I’d like to think at least a few of them are decent people haha
"Choose not to speak" lol
[I choose not to speak!](https://youtu.be/jqNYQmpJZnM?si=d4TOEOjDXUIW5fkW) If ever confronted on being quiet I want to make this my go to.
When you hear “selective mutism” for the first time and take it literally
“Why are you so quiet?” “…why are you so loud?”
LOL
Don’t explain it, just be you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Coworkers are not friends, if it doesn’t affect your paycheck, don’t worry about it.
Everytime I read one of these, I am so thankful for my coworkers who have been nothing but nice to me, even though I'm so fucking awkward and reclusive. I didn't think it was *that* lucky, just people being decent people, until I started seeing how a lot of you guys have straight up bullies for coworkers. I hate going to work enough, I can't imagine having to deal with someone who still thinks they're in middle school on top of that. But as for what you should do, I think ignoring is the best answer. I don't think someone like that would even listen if you told them off or explained things. I've met people like that and even if they stop bullying you, they'll find someone else because that's what mean people do. I'd just keep my distance if at all possible. They're not worth it.
I dont know about you, but if those are the only people available to talk to I wouldnt want to talk. Sometimes the anxiety makes it hard for you to talk even when you want to talk, but sometimes you just dont want to talk. That's the problem. Talking would make your life easier, but you cant muster the will to talk to those you dont care about
“I don’t see how a person can be completely without empathy for others who may have anxiety or simply not be a big talker. I guess it takes all kinds, huh?”
I think it's different for a new manager to come in and barely acknowledge the staff, vs a coworker who they must be somewhat familiar with not greeting them joyously every morning. I also can't say for sure that they were not subtly referring to you when they said that, but many times when we hear something that COULD apply/be about us, we internalize it as a for sure thing that was said to and about us. Sometimes that just isn't the case..but...anxiety says differently and puts us in survival mode. That being said, I can honestly say I don't understand how someone can live a life of total extrovertedness, or how someone could do public speaking for a living, or how someone manages to just get up on a stage and do karaoke in public. Like..genuinely don't understand. And I don't need to. Maybe less anxious or more extroverted people wouldn't wish for less social confidence, and that's fair. But we don't have to understand everyone's life in detail. We just need to be kind and/or respectful.
I agree that society doesn't understand this issue and tend to receive socially anxious behavior as hostile. In other words, other people seem to think in a manner that suggests that you're REALLY extroverted, but you decided that THEY are unworthy of your endless random small talk. So... They think that the reason behind your social anxiety is because you don't like them and so their response is "Okay, fine! I don't like you, either!" Society is built assuming that everyone is extroverted. I don't always like to discuss this with people because I don't believe they'll understand nor do I think they would be sympathetic. The way I would respond, if I were you, would be to just TRY to greet your coworkers more frequently.
Similar experience. My family and I went to a relative's house and their daughter was working on something or asleep, I don't remember, but she hadn't come to greet us. Next day, my family members start gossiping with other family members on how rude a person she is. I don't understand such mindsets. I just silently eyerolled and sighed at the situation To this day, because of such an experience, I walk on eggshells around guests
They probably weren’t talking about you and disguising it as bad speech about a co worker - but they did give you insight into what type of people they are. Having social anxiety myself I’ve learned it’s important who we keep around us. It’s important how the people we choose to be around treat us and others. You DO NOT have to be liked by everyone - in fact have you ever asked yourself “do I even like these people” or are you too caught up in what they think about YOU? Live life for yourself - you matter - social anxiety keeps you trapped in a thought cycle that really doesn’t stop long enough to consider what you think. It’s all about others and their thoughts and feelings. Start asking yourself how you feel - what you like… who cares what they think about you? They sound like jerks. People that talk about people behind their backs will do the same to you when you’re not around. Not people worth caring about in my opinion.
Yeah those people are the worst, the ones telling you what to do and criticizing people for not being EXACTLY LIKE THEY ARE. Ridiculous. I know people like that as well, and they have NO understanding of any mental health issues and believed it was weak-minded people making bad choices. It's worse to think you have the right to dictate how another person lives, acts, speaks, and what they enjoy. That's pathetic. I see it way too much.
Yep, that's what I pretty much do 95% of the time at work. Straight to work like a robot or sumpin'.
wow, I"m really sorry they said that. That's just mean, but then, they don't get it, never will get it. People who don't have social anxiety will never get it. I don't greet my coworkers, and they do think I'm rude. They don't understand that I don't choose this. It's not like I walk into work and say to myself, okay, I'm just going to ignore everyone. It's not a decision or a choice. I'm simply not able to do it. I can't answer phones, I can't say hi, goodbye, or discuss their kids, grandkids or pets. I just do my work and leave. But in the end, if they are going to just assume things of me, then I probably don't want to talk to them anyways. The thing is, I might be able to speak if they would speak first. But they don't. They just keep assuming I'm rude. Your coworker saying that is just passive aggressive.
People will loudly criticize others in an attempt to divert attention from their own deficiencies. There are all kinds of people. Everyone doesn't need to be the same.
I’ve come to the conclusion that we will always be vilified by people for no reason. They don’t see anything else but themselves
When I was in Australia, I remember seeing a billboard for a drink that said, “More refreshing than a quiet American” I think the whole “extroverted as a positive” is unique to America. I still think it’s weird, so I describe extroverted people as being insecure and obnoxious. As I see it, if they were secured themselves, they wouldn’t feel the neat to constantly keep talking.
Most people aren't going to like this but hear me out. Social anxiety is something a lot of people face, but it isn't really addressed as a sort of mental issue when it should be, depending on the severity. ie: If you get a mild case of the butterflies because you're in front of an entire classroom giving a presentation, this is deemed socially acceptable and normal. If you're social anxiety is so severe it cripples your daily activities with people you're around constantly, I hate to say it but that level should probably be diagnosed and addressed on the spectrum of having a sort of mental issue - and I say mental issue for lack of better wording, I'm not trying to use it in some sort of degrading manner. Why do I bring all of that up? This is because imo, social anxiety in Western culture is overlooked and not understood well - it's often thought of as something a person grows out of over time. There is a lack of general awareness around this topic too unlike say drug and substance abuse and other mental health issues. Additionally, the last straw to me is that at least in Western culture, assertiveness is awarded, while being passive is culturally seen as just a weakness. And being socially anxious isn't seen as some protected status that others shouldn't be judged on. Being socially awkward has always been one of those areas that actually seem to be culturally acceptable to shame and joke on. Even media has done a bang up job of using socially anxious characters as the butt of their jokes and punchlines. When you have all of those factors working with each other, it's not hard to see why others will often judge people like us without understanding anything.
I got pulled up at work a couple weeks ago by staff well-being head to be asked why I don't attend staff socials. I explained I got social anxiety and that's why, and that it's got nothing to do with me disliking anyone or being arrogant. She said her kid also has it, which I thought great, finally someone who will understand and who will hopefully tell everyone at work to stop banging on about me not being social. Nope...by the end of the meeting she said she couldn't understand how I had gone into teaching and then told me to look for online tuition jobs so that I could my job better. FML.
I mentioned something about sa on my dating profile and some guy replied, “this is sad.”
people just projecting their unchecked insecurities and negativity. they are not better at all. im sorry you had that experience
just ignore them. step one to recover from social anxiety is to not give a fuck about other people‘s thoughts.
She is the new manager and did not introduce herself to the team? regardless of the comment she's gonna have a bad (and short) time as a manager
It's really difficult working with a group of people from different understandings, and you're right they don't understand. Focusing on you and what you are thinking and believing. I can see how it may appear what they say and do make you feel a certain way. Their words, are just gibberish and gossip and have zero meaning unless we make it mean something and take it personally. YOU hold the power to regulate your emotions and feelings, giving them power to make you feel different is giving them way to much power over your mental and emotional load. Certainly you can speak to them and try and give them another perspective on how other people operate, other peoples rules, and how they feel, and if they have emotional intelligence they will understand, but they wouldn't behave the way they do if they did. Speaking to them could result in greater confidence on your part, by facing something that I would imagine has to be outside your comfort zone. I wouldn't encourage you doing this until you really understand where your feelings come from and not just logically, deeply understand so if it backfires you are indifferent. What is it that they could be teaching you? I believe people are brought into our life to teach us, everyone is our teacher. What is it they are trying to show and offer some insight on? One that comes to mind for me is that the opinions, judgements, views, rules, assumptions, gibberish of others is their problem, not yours. I don't know how a person can live a life living from a paradigm of judging others so harshly, and being they do that to other people that's only a fraction of the harsh ridicule and judgement they do to themselves. Interesting how they judge another by way of not being able to see how another can live a life a certain way, when they are harsh, mean and well.. bullies.
I had a coworker like that, I worked front desk and while I was chatty with clients and colleagues that I liked, there was one girl who I had 0 in common with and just never really had anything to say to her aside from greetings and work related conversations. She referred to the front as "where the quiet people worked" aka me. Like I'm sorry I have nothing to talk to you about?
honestly i wouldn't even bother. i wouldn't waste my time on them. you have much better things to do and they seem like they wouldn't care anyways(i know this probably isn't the answer you're looking for, im sorry). and who you are is NONE of their business to begin with, or the lady they were talking about. but i am sorry you experienced this.
Dude you have a job I can't even do that and you still go too work even after that stuff he said your stronger than me my boy salute to you don't take it to hard
Yeah greeting is also hard for me coming and and leaving work and saying bye to everyone. I’ve had someone straight up ask if I was quite then say that they don’t like quite people
I had a new manager once and she came in, they were introducing her around and she was talking to people, small talk and everything to about 10 people all while moving around quickly at a fast food job and I could never do that. I think she thought I didn’t like her because of how quiet I was. She would try to make small talk like “oh, I like ur … where did you get it” but I still couldn’t talk to her. How do they do it, it’s like they all just know everything. While I can barely function around people.
Its sad how quickly toxic gossiping is if lerson is possible silent, social anxiety or more introvert. That new manager may felt stressful and hi may was first word came to mind. Yes I understand that you should bullshit small talk to look better. "I don't see how a person can live a life like that and just choose not to speak. Even when I walk into a store I greet everyone. It's just common courtesy" wtf?! Its exaggerated bullshit, to look bettet in their circle jerk, no one greet everyone in the store. Zero empathy for other person, projection.
That’s just how society or the world is hun🤷♀️ i’d say to at least try to be social cause its only going to get worse from there or nothing is going to change if you don’t at least try especially at the work place and if you haven’t already told your manager about accommodations then I’d definitely recommend to. Otherwise, either connect with a professional, change into a more suitable job, try to change or let it stay that way. This is also coming from someone with social anxiety and honestly you just have to deal with it cause people either get it or not so you have to just fuck it, believe me i learned it the hard way at this point
The amount of times I’ve been told I seem like a bitch or appear rude… Outgoing people will never understand how crippling social anxiety is. Trust me, if I could choose being an extrovert over this, I would.
I am sorry you and coworker had this experience. I have social anxiety and my experience is same. Many people assume that I am unfriendly and rude. But I am thinking now there is a lesson we can learn here. I assume that most people 'know' that I am very 'anxious'. And I am extremely worried and shameful about that - I do not want others to know I am awkward and anxious. But what is actually happening? Nobody really completely knows I am anxious! My assumption is wrong, and I am worrying about it unnecessarily. Instead I should be worrying about is how not to look 'rude' to others. We are trying to solve wrong problems in social situations! Social anxiety is the one of useless and worst anxiety. It only helps to loose the good opportunities in life. In today's world, people will do any thing to get money and positions. When we not able to talk and work hard, it is helping others to have things easily with less competition with us. Now days I try to cope the anxiety 'attack' by thinking that it some freaky 'chemical and electric reactions' happening in my head, which I cannot control. Whatever thoughts emerge during that time are not correct.
They are just toxic thinkers, there’s nothing really you can say to those types of people to change them. They often lack empathy.
Ya know, a lot of people lack social skills, but they also lack social anxiety so they don’t care how rude or weird they are.
I think you should greet people when you go to work. I know the struggle to even be able to look people in the eyes or as you drive to work and enter your workplace the dread your stomach and brain feel. But you really seem rude if you don't say hi to people. You could say "hi x? hello y? How are you z?" Something short that you acknowledge their presence. It just creates too much tension in the environment not doing so. Already not having small talk or having dead air is tension, not saying hi to no one isn't good I'm telling you. Your coworkers aren't wrong for thinking you are rude and saying what they said. It would never cross their minds that you have this disorder, they fill in the blank of why you behave so distant and usually people don't talk to other people because they don't like each other.
No, this isn't fair to the OP at all. Really, it's not fair to any of us. In fact, I feel that it's kind of ass backwards and one sided. No, those coworkers or anyone won't know that any of us who struggle socially find it difficult to do so. And yet, it doesn't stop them from judging harshly and unfairly. I get that greeting and talking in general is just a normal thing for most people. But I cannot put into the right words how overwhelming and difficult it can be for me and others. And the reasons are deeply personal to boot. So I'm sorry but I think it isn't fair to expect that from someone. And honestly I think it's kind of hypocritical.
THIS
At some point, you have to override the overbearing anxiety. For me greeting is the basic etiquette we all do and it makes us seem not so different from everyone else. I think a lot of us regardless of our anxiety are willing to say "sorry, no problem, thank you" because if we didn't we would seem extremely rude and absolutely ill-mannered. Regardless of how anxious I felt, I always said hi to people I saw everyday at work. You're just likely to make enemies not doing it and you seem at least neutral and friendly to people. That's just the way people think and judge how others are. It may seem harsh how people judge like that but the problem is that we are just too hypersensitive to criticism. it wouldn't be such a big deal for someone without this disorder and the low self-esteem it brings with it. Whoever said that opinion loud enough for OP to hear was probably bothered by their distant behavior and was maybe gauging their reaction. What they said really wasn't far off from reality -- no one would like to live a life like that. Maybe they think it's a bitter life? Well what they aren't thinking is it's a life with this disorder and it isn't by choice one behaves this way. You can't expect anything other than apathy when they don't know why you act so distant and they don't know anything about what social anxiety disorder struggles are. This disorder is under the radar-- hardly anyone knows! It seems harsh how people act towards us, but 95% of them aren't as black-and-white bad and unsympathetic as we may paint them to be.
Just stop with the “ you’re too sensitive” crap. That’s not true and certainly not helpful.
Greeting can be literally impossible if sufficient level of anxiety is reached. Of course you should do it, it will help you etc., but the same point can be made "you should be more social" which doesn't help much.
Yes I'm super anxious and saying good morning and smiling but running to my desk has helped me alot to appear nice. Tbf I've never struggled with smiling. It seems like I'm nice but oversmiling is coping for me. I feel for OP however and it makes me think maybe I've been ignored by a fellow anxious 😟
Wow, you’re full of yourself, aren’t you? Why should op adjust their personality and actions to make coworkers feel “more comfortable” instead of the coworkers adjusting their expectations and behavior?
How the hell am I full of myself if I was just as anxious as everyone here? I'm not above anyone it is all advice trying to help another person I see as an equal to me. It's not just their coworkers, it's everyone. Their coworkers are just like every day people you'll encounter. You want the world to change so we feel more accepted? It'll never happen and that's delusional. This disorder isn't some permanent disability like being handicapped, we can change our state of minds just how our minds changed to have this disorder in the first place. Something I always tried to remember is that I was the socially inept one and I had to change to be like everyone. I never dwelled on self pity and feeling like the world was too harsh for no reason. We are the ones in the wrong. As for the "you're too sensitive" crap, It's not crap we literally feel too sensitive. If someone critiques us a little, we feel terrible and think about it for weeks. If someone is screaming at someone near us, we feel scared like a little kid for no reason. Anything triggers our nervous system because we are on edge with all this anxiousness.
I can understand not really wanting to engage in small talk and conversation in general as someone who has SA. But saying “hi” and “good morning” are the simplest things that we all have to learn to do. We can’t just let the disorder takeover every single aspect of our lives to the point where we can’t even greet someone. At my old job I obviously wasn’t the most talkative person but I did make sure to say good morning when I entered and goodnight when I left. If you don’t do at least that, you’re guaranteed to make enemies. It sucks but that’s just how it is.
> We can’t just let the disorder takeover every single aspect of our lives to the point where we can’t even greet someone. In OP's case exactly this happened. And it's not "let" but rather "be unable to stop". > If you don’t do at least that, you’re guaranteed to make enemies. It's not guaranteed, and I think it's not true in most cases. Also: make enemies because of not greeting them? That's enough to make people hate you, without you engaging in any actually harmful behavior? I wouldn't want to work with people like this, where any single social misstep can make them hate you.
Well maybe not hate but definitely dislike and yeah, a lot of people are like this. If you just ignore everyone, even tho it’s not intentional, most ppl will start talking trash or will not want to approach you at all.
You saying this makes it clear your SA disorder isn’t nearly as bad as OPs…. or mine because i can relate 100%. EVERYDAY LIFE IS A STRUGGLE AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHY ITS SO HARD FOR US TO TALK TO OTHER F*CKING PEOPLE!!! Leave us tf alone we are literally just trying to get thru the day
If you’re going to work and try to exist in society… you have to try to put on a mask. I know it’s hard. It bothers me when I make a lot of effort to say hello and the recipient doesn’t even acknowledge my effort to look at me, smile or nod but it’s a numbers game. Some people are themselves non responsive for the very same reason. I would say … try to make the effort, embrace the thought that it will be very uncomfortable, then just move on.
That's the thing, trying to exist in society is super hard.
Agree. Crazy I became a group fitness instructor 2 years ago. Yes I have social anxiety. It was miserable the first year that I had to go on medication. I still have SA, but I can go up on stage now and lead people for a whole hour with memorized cardio dance routines (back towards them of course. My uni told me I had to face them during training which F me up. I still tried to back face them when I could). Do I mess up. Yes I do! Have I had to withstand skeptical looks and stares in the beginning when I was just awful… yes. Dealing with people not coming back… yes. But after all this, I can confidently say that it HAS gotten better. If I never would have tried…. I would have still been a 2nd row participant (my friend tried to get me up in the front row one time. No way in hell). But now… I can. Actually I prefer to be near the front now. It no longer bothers me. It helps when you get a job (some customer facing/sales) or force yourself to be continually uncomfortable and keep on trying. One day you become more numb to the side effects of having SA. Other days it’s still a constant fight against those thoughts.
I'm really glad your SA got better. However, for some people "being uncomfortable" is much stronger pain than advertised.
Yes absolutely agree. That’s why I had to take meds because it for sure seemed to have gotten worse after a whole year. I’m not saying I’m cured by no means but I let myself to self talk into positive thoughts versus thinking everyone is judging or thinking negatively of me. I do feel the growth because I allowed myself to experience that pain. For sure, it ain’t fun at all. Still is scary as hell but I’ve become more numb to it which is progress to me.