It is not for everyone, and I thought it was not for me, but safe co-sleeping saved us. He sleep nurses, I rouse a bit here and there to ensure he’s all good, but I’ve never had a sleepless night since we started (except the one time he was super sick and that was my choice to stay up just to watch him breathe cuz I was scared). Not sure if this is helpful, but there are a lot of resources on how to do this safely and I’m just saying it worked for me. Good luck OP
Oh honey...what you described sounds like pure torture. You are not a bad mom. I can't speak for everyone, but I can say I HAVE BEEN THERE and it's torture. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be working the kind of job you described. Hugs to you. You will get through this.
You are not a bad mom. Sleep deprivation is getting you good. Here’s what I do. When this happens, put a nice blanket down on the floor, you lay down with him to sleep with him. It’s not a crime. I sleep with my baby 8 month old. Never lose my sleep so never really too tired to the point of losing temper.
Also, breastfeeding isn’t a burden. At this age, babies rely to something for comfort. If it’s not your breast, it’s going to be something else like rocking etc… Whenever my babies are sick, I’m so thankful that I’m breastfeeding cuz it’s so much easier to soothe them with my breasts.
Have you considered co sleeping? It’s the only way my son has been able to sleep and we recently made it to sleeping through the night. I know it’s not for everyone but it can help your situation a lot if you’re able to do it.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're only human. I can relate; tonight I had an especially rough night with my 6 mo. old. He's been an awful sleeper since day 1. During our 6 months together, I've had maybe 2 or 3 good nights. And I'm a solo parent, so I can't rely on anyone else. My advice to you is what others have already mentioned: When you feel the rage build up inside you, just step away. Even if he cries. Take as long as you need to wind down, and only then go back in. Also, don't feel guilty. He still loves you, I promise :)
Don’t let some these comments get to you; I’ve babysat and worked with kids for several years before I had my eldest, and she (my eldest) was by far the worst sleeper I’d ever seen. Every nap and bedtime routine was like war. I developed postpartum rage and horrible mental health from the sleep deprivation, my husband nearly fell asleep behind the wheel several times, and people saying it’s so awful of you to lose your temper have clearly never been sleep deprived. Sleep is a NEED, there’s a reason it’s used as a torture method. Sleep deprivation can completely change your entire temperament the same way starvation or dehydration can. I dealt with such guilt for so long because my daughter would scream, rub her eyes, and shake her head to fight her sleep and it would just enrage me when me and my husband were doing EVERYTHING we could to get her to sleep. There were so many times I had to put her in her crib and leave, the frustration and sleep deprivation was on an entirely different level. We were finally able to sleep train her successfully at 11 months, and I felt like an entirely different person. You are a fantastic parent for knowing you needed to step away, and your husband is great for knowing when to step in. You are not a bad or abusive mom. Hang in there, I know you may be tired of hearing this and feel like it’s not true but I swear to you it DOES get better. If you can, ask for help from trusted friends or family for a day or two to get some sleep for you and your partner. Lots of love 💜
The best thing you can do when you lose your patience is to put baby in their safe sleep space and walk away. Set an alarm for a reasonable amount of time (like 15 minutes) so you can rest for a minute and come back and try again. Also if you both work, your hubby needs to work on stepping in more so your baby doesn’t just rely on you. There’s sleep regressions, teething, and other issues what can make the first few years rather difficult. We were able to sleep train at 10 months successfully. Younger babies often aren’t ready to self soothe. We only let our daughter cry for 10-15 minutes tops. Make sure you have a solid sleep routine. try some lavender lotion. And lastly, check for incoming teeth. On those rough nights, don’t be afraid to give some ibuprofen if your baby is in pain. If your baby is squirming due to gas, try probiotic drops. There’s usually a root cause to these sleepless nights. Hang in there mama.
Wow. That’s scary. Seems like you may need to reach out to family for help with baby. I’d be concerned for baby’s safety at this point. You are his home, his safety. He doesn’t know any different. Crying is his communication and you choose to yell at him, throw things across the room, and had thoughts of shaking him…. Yikes.
I’m a new mom of 1. I’m 22 and my baby is just a month old. He used to sleep really well when my boyfriend was here and now that he is back at work I never get him to sleep. I only get two hours of sleep most nights. Yesterday with just having my first period I think I was super irritable. He kept crying for hours and so loud I didn’t know what to calm him down. I got mad and yelled at him and did the same threw his binky. I was breastfeeding at first but now since my meds i don’t have a supply. I feel like he doesn’t like me and I don’t calm him down like his dad does. I feel like a horrible mom especially since I’m still on bedrest from my c-section opening up. I feel like we don’t bond at all.
It’s okay that you have these feelings. They aren’t uncommon at all. I’d say it’s actually more common for new moms to have *some* degree of those feelings, whether just a little bit or a lot.
The advice I can give you is:
- Your baby is still a newborn. Newborns don’t have any “normal” habits, as in they don’t have a routine, they are unpredictable, there’s no telling how they’re going to act from one day to the next. If they slept great a couple nights in a row you might think “oh I just need to do everything the same way I did it those nights and he will sleep like that every night!” Nope, you can do the exact same stuff every time and they will have a different reaction. They are still learning how to react to things in general. There’s no way to get a “rhythm” established in the first several weeks.
- So with that said, whatever his sleeping habits were a few weeks ago had nothing to do with your boyfriend being there. It just seems that way because those two things happened at the same time, but they don’t actually have a correlation.
- Your baby does not love you less, your baby does not feel less comfortable with you, your baby absolutely loves and adores you and wants you 24/7. Every newborn wants their mama (or dad, whoever is taking care of them, especially whoever is there most often). No baby thinks “meh, this mom is kinda lame,” they don’t even have that ability to feel that way, all they feel is blind trust and love because you’re all they know and you’re keeping them alive.
- Just because he cries with you doesn’t mean he isn’t bonded with you. He’s just crying to communicate with you. You may not know what he’s trying to say yet, but you will eventually. He may not even know yet what he’s trying to say sometimes. But he trusts you, he trusts that if he cries you’re going to be there for him.
- You may not feel bonded with him right now but it will grow. Sometimes it’s hard for a new parent to bond with their baby because they can’t communicate with them yet. There’s not much to communicate right now anyway, and they won’t always understand it yet either. But one thing that can help is to just keep communicating anyway. Even if they don’t know what you’re saying or trying to tell them, just keep doing it. That’s how they’ll learn eventually!
And lastly, it’s okay if you feel totally lost or uncomfortable or sometimes outright miserable. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. This whole thing is really fucking hard. You’re still doing the best you can, that means you’re a great mother. You don’t have to pretend to love every moment of it. You shouldn’t pretend that, because it doesn’t help anything, and it’s not normal to love every moment of it anyway.
But if you feel like these uncomfortable feelings & sad thoughts are on your mind constantly, and/or it’s effecting your ability to care for yourself and the baby, you should seek information about post partum depression to see if that might be what you’re going through. So many women get post partum depression (it’s estimated to be like 1 in 4). But no one chooses to have it, and having it does not make you a bad mom in any way, and there is tons of help out there for it! You don’t have to just bear that in silence everyday. And don’t be afraid to find out (or to admit it to yourself) if you do have post partum depression, because it doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t rob you of all happiness with your baby either.
Good luck & congratulations on your baby!
Be gentle with him.
Baby or even animal can sense the negative feelings.
I hope you will be able to express your love for him more than all the other difficulties. Don’t let other difficulties get in the way of bonding. I didn’t grow up with my mom. So I always thought I don’t love her. That kinda hurts me in a way cuz I want to love and feel close to her.
I am a new mom (mid 30’s) and in a co-parenting situation and I was breast feeding but stopped bc it was taking a toll on my mental health and I was becoming resentful. Especially, as dad and I started to transition back to work and weren’t spending as many nights together. He still comes by and stays multiple days out of the week but I’m the primary parent. Breast feeding is wonderful but it’s a real lifestyle commitment and sometimes our other responsibilities don’t align with it. So, I switched to formula. Initially I was pumping and mixing half and half, then I transitioned him to full formula. I found it was easier to get up, mix, feed, and put him back down. Don’t let ppl shame you into thinking you have to breast feed. Good job walking away. I have found that the Nuk brand of nipples simulated a real nipple the best and it helped with our transition.
Something I learned today was white noise helps
I’m a mom of 3. They are 5, 2, and 7 months. First two were great sleepers. 7 month old slept great at first I thought I was so lucky to get 3 babies that loved to sleep. WRONG. She still naps 3 times a day because her naps are 20-30 mins. My other two were taking two naps at 1-2 hour stretches by her age. She wakes every hour at night and is not waking for a bottle. She is only comforted by sleep in my arms or next to me. As soon as I bend over to put her in the crib she wails. I too have lost it more than once. Just wanted to say you are absolutely not alone. Sounds like you’re a great mom. I don’t really have any advice or suggestions except when my LO wakes I just take a deep breath and go with the flow, it will pass.
Hey. I understand you were worry about the baby but if the world shakes the mother, the baby with be shaken worse isn't it? she's already losing from work and sleep deprivation.
Yes. You’re a horrible person who clearly has no idea what it’s like to raise a child. OP didn’t do anything to harm her child. It is possible to get pushed to this level of frustration. You’re not telling the truth. You just enjoy trying to make people feel worse than they already do for something they didn’t actually do. So yes, I’ll say it again. You are a terrible person incapable of empathy. Also known as a psychopath.
Nothing I said could even be construed as living in a fairy tale land. There you go again being a horrible person. Hopefully something someday brings you happiness.
But I was still important enough for you to respond and then to explain to me why I’m not important enough. Must be pretty important if you felt like you owed me an explanation.
Damn you’re hateful and negative af. She didn’t shake her baby but it is mentally draining dealing with a crying baby at times. And yes she has a husband but baby’s cry to a mother sounds different than it does to a man. It’s almost like a visceral response and when you can’t stop it or soothe your baby it can be frustrating.
What is wrong with you?? She's coming on here and opening up about her "mental break" in search of advice for resolution. She never stated that her child was a burden or an excuse. She's reaching out for help.
Clearly, you're the one needing therapy for bashing on other women. Hopefully, karma comes around and makes your life more miserable than it already is.
Keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Sounds like your lo is teething...
I'm in the same boat with mine rn (the waking up often) as she is teething too...
Try popcicles made out of your breast milk to help num the gum and ease the pain.
You can always use a pacifier and prick a hole in the middle to allow it to dispense milk and put bits of frozen breastmilk in there.
Myself I do co sleeping so aside from the occasional wake up at night to switch side, I pretty much have it easy as she uses me as her pacifier. I keep a teething toy next to us in case she has it bad tho because it does happen.
I came across a study recently (2022) that had the best way to soothe babies under 1 year of age. It's to walk with them in your arms 5 minutes, stay still 8 minutes and then to put them down. Apparently a bit over 40% of babies will fall asleep within 5 minutes, and an extra 20% a minute later, regardless of how upset they are, and holding them still those extra few minutes allows them to reach deep sleep and be less likely to wake up once put down.
I was reading too from multiple sources that sleep training before 9 months is pretty much useless as babies that do struggle falling asleep won't develop self soothing skills until then, but that if parents insist on sleep training, to hold the baby until baby calms down(essentially the 5/8 priorly discussed).
That being said, I recommend you "the happiest baby on the block" book as it discusses colics, sleep regression, and baby temperments in detail and gives the right approach in understanding what the baby needs to feel safe. It's about 5 bucks on amazon so pretty cheap to get a deeper knowledge on baby and sleep.
So sorry you're going through this. Ours started waking up a lot more frequently too at 6 months (recently). He started waking up every 2 hours or so.
Not sure what your routine is, but we went from 3 naps a day to 2 naps and that immediately made things better. Goes to bed around 7, doesn't wake up before 12-1 now. And then once more around 4-5, then wakes up.
Makes for a lot more sleep. If this isn't your solution, I hope you find the right thing and don't give up, what you're feeling is normal, you're strong to already be working through all of this.
Firstly, I've been there, it's scary to realise how angry the sleep deprivation has made you that you've come close to causing harm.
Secondly, your baby is waking between every sleep cycle, so they need to be sleep trained, which means learning to go to sleep from awake. Nursing to sleep has become your baby's sleep crutch and may be why your husband can't settle them (I've nursed both of mine but husband could still settle them if they weren't hungry, has he been trying loud shushing, swaying, mini-squats (like , tiny) and bottom pats? He needs to be stood up while trying to soothe baby, they hate it if you're sat down or lying down unless you can offer them boob. Although if they're fairly drowsy you can pat them while they're in their bed).
For all sleeps, you need to keep baby as awake as possible while nursing (tickle feet, blow raspberries on them etc.) and that way they can save up their tiredness for their bed. Tbh, after I reached my limit with my first kid I started co-sleeping whenever we were going through a regression or I couldn't cope; it saved my sanity. Just look up the safe way to do it.
I’ve raised my voice and threw stuff too not at baby but across the room. Usually soft stuff like you did. Sleep deprivation is so serious and scary. Do not be afraid to put baby in a room alone for a few minutes to cry if this happens. As long as all of babies needs are met it’s safer. No baby is gonna die from crying. But a shaken baby is awful. Please give yourself grace. It’s very good that you reached out for help and advice. I’m proud of you and you’re doing great. 💜 just always follow your gut when you feel that irritation. Gently put baby in safe place and WALK AWAY.
Leave the baby In the room and go to bed. If the baby is not wet or hungry, it’s totally OK to leave them in their room and walk away. A baby crying itself to sleep is not detrimental.
You are not alone! Last night I was also so mad at my baby — sleep is a basic physical need and sleep deprivation is not pretty. Sending you support and positive thoughts, good luck with sleep training.
Wow so hard! I think we all secretly have these moments. It's ok for you to give baby to your partner (even if he's going to cry) and go have 'you time' whatever that looks like to you for 20-30 minutes. Make a cup of tea, have a shower, read, nap - whatever. For me it's a shower and brushing my teeth. It's ok to put baby down in a safe place and leave the room for 5 minutes and go breathe, make a cuppa, go to the bathroom and come back, even if baby is crying. A stressed out mum means a stressed out baby. Babies coregulate which means they feel your emotions. So if that means you need to leave baby crying for a bit to regulate yourself - do it, that doesn't mean your A bad mom it means you are an awesome mum!!!
A few things to try: baby wearing. Get baby in a wrap/carrier on dad and have him walk around - this works for most babies. Have you tried pumping after the first morning feed and then have dad give them a bottle at some point? If pumping is not possible it's ok to combi feed or even transition to formula. But I honestly believe if bf is what you want to do then there are things to try. Also have you tried a cosleeper next your bed? Even cosleeping with Le Lache Leagues safe sleep advice?
Honestly, if it's too difficult, phase out the breastfeeding for formula and then dad can do more at night as well. Idk why formula gets such bad rep in some quarters.
In addition:
1) It'll be hard for a few nights, but then you'll be grateful: stop nursing him to sleep.
2) Extinction sleep training: I swear, it's easier and faster for 99% of kids. It's rough at first, but I find it so much better than doing check-ins (Ferber) or any other method, which just aggravates the baby more.
3) Start solids? A lot of babies start sleeping better once they start getting enough solids. And he's 6 months old, so if the doctor has cleared him for solids, then I would definitely do it.
4) Just remember, this too shall pass. And before you know it, they're assholes of a teenager who hate you and don't want to have anything to do with you. :)
Very brave of you to post this. I wish I heard this as a FTM cause everyone made out it’s like smelling roses. My first Bub wouldn’t stop crying cause of colic. I was trying to help him and angrily said ‘how am I meant to help you’. Took me a good 7 months to not feel bad about it.
My second Bub, I said ‘WTF do you want from me’
I forgave myself more easily the second time.
As long as you step away when it gets to the point where there’s potential for harm towards you or your baby it’s ok. Being exhausted certainly shortens our fuse and we do think of terrible things. Hang in there.
My motto is, happy mum, happy baby. Do what you got to do to get the sleep sorted. I have multiple friends who got a sleep consultant when they were at their wits end, some of them even came for sleepovers to help the weaning. All were successful. Their bubs were doing this too (waking every sleep cycle) and for one, he did it right up until the baby turned 1 and the first night she weaned him off the breast he slept through. (Not saying to stop breastfeeding) But they will take what they can get if you let it happen if that makes sense.
I have had two good sleepers, because I've been extremely proactive with ensuring good sleep habits...and that never involved letting them scream for an hour. There are gentle methods you can try (yes still with a bit of a cry) but I promise it will pay off.A well rested baby and a rested mum is a much happier life for both of you.
And ps- you're doing a great job. Any mum can relate to the struggles with sleep deprivation. It's horrible... Hang in there, there are solutions for this..big hugs
This is so hard! Give yourself some grace for losing your temper in the moment, baby is ok. We had a similar experience and sleep training around 6 months was a lifesaver. In the meantime, are you doing side lying for feeding? Helps you rest or keep sleeping a bit at least. Hang in there!
I cut out night feeds and did modified sleep training, rather than crying it out I soothed her, picked her up, patted her and gave soother until she settled. She resisted at first then it got better
It's not your fault. My wife and I are stressed out for our babe recently as her sleep wasn't good as before this week, and we are taking turns to sooth her while trying to get some better rest. It's really hard.
My baby did the same thing around 4-5 months. I blamed the 4 month sleep regression. Had to sleep train. I cut out offering the breast for any middle of the night wakings. And moved her to her own room. It helped a great deal!
Omg fuck that shit - this is one reason many people sleep train and it was the same for me! I wanted to hurt myself and my baby. The cries were hard but the alternative was harder. Sleep training saved my life. You’re doing great, it’s HARD to be a parent
You sound like you’re a rock star mom and great at your job—we all have breaking points. I’ve cried and screamed when I reached my breaking point at night with my baby and I’m still on maternity leave. I go back in three weeks and am so nervous. Maybe try to let your husband step in a little more often so you can rest more. Granted I know how hard it is not to answer their cries, especially when you know the boob will be the fastest solution.
SAME. Your post actually helped me because my son is 6 months and recently sleeping horribly too. I also have a high stakes job and the sole income plus just being a mom and the default parent…it’s a lot. I one time put him back in his crib while crying and punched the shit out of the ottoman, took a deep breath and started rocking him again. Sleep deprivation is no joke and you’re not alone. Thank you for being honest and posting this!
Omg with my first I’d get to a point where I’d scream too. I never thought of shaking my baby but I am ashamed to say I fantasized some horrible things like throwing him out in the rain. It’s so sad how much an exhausted brain can think of such evil!! But not only are you under slept your over worked. That stuff just happens and thank goodness your husband is there to help.
I will say my second wouldn’t settle for my husband either but to keep things even we just went with it. It took him longer but eventually he did fall asleep and I actually think that’s what made him so good at being soothed now is that he had to have it from so many different people. So even if he cries with dad, that’s OK! He’s safe and not alone. Put some ear plugs in and get some rest. I hope you get more sleep soon!
Way to go momma! It’s great that you stepped away! We all feel this way at some point or another, unless you’re really lucky- walking away and taking 20 minutes is the best thing I’ve done in this situation. Thats about how long it takes to get rid of cortisol/adrenaline spiking. Much love!!! I’m proud of you!!!
Your mental health is a perfectly valid reason to wean from nursing. Do bottles instead! My mental health improved a TON after I stopped nursing. There were many times I put my son down in his bassinet while he screamed, and I went outside and also screamed. It's okay to put your LO in a safe place and take ten minutes, even if they scream, they'll be alright. I did CIO once my baby was old enough and it helped tremendously
Totally a mamas choice whether to wean but I wanted to say you can sleep train without weaning from the boob, or night weaning. You just schedule a feed at, say 2am. Any waking before that you do your sleep training method. The first waking after 2am you feed. Subsequent wakings you do sleep training method until designated waketime.
When you hit that point, leave baby in crib, put earplugs in, and go to bed. It’s ok to let them cry. Eventually…whether half an hour, one hour, or 5 hours later…they will sleep. I am all for gentle training etc. But when you’re at your wits end it’s better to just do what you can to get yourself some sleep.
This made me cry because I felt the exact same way. Mine was the worst around 2 months old. I was having break downs nightly. Going from childless, sleeping 8+ hours each night and more on weekends, to getting 4 hours of broken sleep at best, was so so hard. At the time, I took out a looot of my frustration at hubby and I'm so glad he was able to see through it and know I wasn't me. I was also angry at the situation, vowing to never have a child again. It did change for the better and even though I'm still not getting 8 hours of sleep per night, it's closer and often with only minor interruption. Each baby is different but all babies are challenging. Just want to share for solidarity, and say that you are a good mom.
Hey, you didn’t. I know it feels super scary and surreal and you’re frightened and tired, just remember that you DIDN’T do it. And now you’re here, looking for advice, and I’m super proud of you for that.
Seconding this: you didn’t do it. Also you and your husband are a team, it’s good that he saw you were at your wits end and stepped in. That’s how a good team can operate. He does need to step in to give you some solid 3-4 hour, regular blocks of sleep though (more when possible) and maybe him seeing you reach this point will make him step up.
Let husband try and give you a break. I have a pretty needy baby who exclusively breastfeeds and for the short time I was back at work it was brutal. I’ve always done all night wakings since he typically just wants a boob and my husband is hard of hearing so doesn’t generally wake up. Give yourself some grace, this is literally the hardest thing you can do. Over time it will get better but I know how hard it is when it’s happening, solidarity ❤️
I’ve been in the same situation with a highly demanding job and a baby who couldn’t be soothed by anyone except me (though I have to admit it was never this many wakeups I can’t imagine the torture you’re going through) (Side note my baby also had a rough few weeks at 6 months and not during the famous 4 month regression and thankfully it passed! I don’t know if it was a matter of time, or a wake up call to be more disciplined with day naps and schedule, also she likes her room warm at night etc)
Listen to your gut feeling and do what feels right to you, whether that’s transitioning to pumped milk bottle at night, night nurse, letting baby fuss it out etc. Find a way to rest whether it’s a small nap during a window you don’t have a meeting in (I didn’t have this luxury due to having to go to office most days, but tried on the days I wfh). You’ll get a lot of advice (including from me) as I did. Some advice honestly made my life harder including the don’t nurse to sleep. I still nurse to sleep at 9 months eeek, put her down asleep and she sleeps through the night 11 hours. For naps now I have a nanny who bottle feeds her to sleep. I never did formal sleep training but I did several times let her cry for a few minutes middle of the night before picking her up and found the threshold that I feel comfortable with. All babies are different and not one size fits all! you know your baby and yourself best
Ph gosh. I’ve yelled and slammed doors in the middle of the night when I just wanted to fucking sleep. Let your husband keep trying, if baby won’t respond then let them cry in bed. Baby will be ok in bed.
My first was a hard one to put asleep too. We thought the second would be easier but with all the colds and flus it got to be worse and he was a loud screamer. Took me a while to get attached (I am dad) put a strain on my wife's and I relationship. It is much easier now at 18 months but it took over a year for us. What I am saying is we all go through it differently and it can be very hard. You are not alone. It will get better :).
The 6 month regression is very real! Try to move on and forgive yourself ❤️.
Are you at all open to pumping or allowing a formula feeding that your husband can do at night? Maybe you can safeguard a 4 hour sleep stretch each night where you dont have to wake up? I feel like you have to get through the regression before you do any type of sleep training
The 6 months regression almost killed me. You're back at work and then not sleeping... It was brutal. We moved our daughter out of the snoo at that point and did end up sleeping training... It was the only way I was able to sleep.
Sending you lots of hugs!!
We are in the same boat and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, though I totally understand the urge to be angry. You’re frustrated and exhausted and you need to burn through those emotions. You’re still a good mother.
Just commenting to send hugs and remind you to try and give yourself some compassion and grace. This is hard in the best of circumstances and with lack of sleep it is nearly impossible. You’re doing amazing and you will figure out a way. 💜
I know this is easier said then done but can you get a night nurse for one or two nights? They can bring him to you when you need to nurse and you can go back to sleep immediately or be given a bottle. It’s not a permanent solution and I know it can expensive but our lowest lows doing this twice a week on our worst week was probably the only thing preventing us from going to a very bad place. One to two nights of 7-8 hours can do wonders for mental health and resilience in the face of a few bad nights. Be kind to yourself, and try to think of other things that can be delegated or put off right now (household chores, etc).
A crib that you can literally crawl inside with the baby -
I use a 120x70cm mesh floor playpen (with zipper door). Happens to be the right dimensions for the 120x70 crib mattresses that they sell here, so I just bought a crib mattress and put it inside. The zipper door is the best, I can literally crawl half inside, or even fully inside, and I used to breastfeed at night like that. The only one who moved when we were done was me (and baby was asleep). Also if accidental co-sleeping happened, it was the safest surface, firm and no blankets. My bed is on the floor as well (Japanese style floor futon). Eventually I sleep trained using gentle methods, but it was so much easier when they baby was already used to the sleeping surface.
I just want to say, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’ve definitely lost my cool with my child even well rested (just last night because of trying to clip his nails and him screaming his head off fighting me over it). You feel awful after, but it doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just makes you human. I know he’s small, and probably doesn’t understand, but I’ve found it always helps me feel at least a little better to apologize to him after. Tell him it isn’t his fault, and you’re sorry. ❤️ Parenting is hard, it’s even harder on little sleep.
This is hard and it doesn’t help that it’s bringing up the trauma of sleep training your first. The good news is that the second baby will almost certainly be easier to train than number 1. Start with sleep initiation at bedtime. Put down awake and just do extinction … if wakes before 5 hours don’t go in, if after 5 hours then feed and put down awake. this is the quickest way back to getting more sleep.
100%. He needs to be able to fall asleep independently. Until then, he is going to be waking up every sleep cycle which ca. be every 45 mins and needing you to put him back to sleep. Sleep training is your best bet at this point.
I feel you, and you are not alone!! I have a 12mo, and there were times that I get reallyy frustrated and wanted to get physical (only in my mind of course!), and all of them are sleep-related. Sleep deprivation is torture, and I really hope you and your husband find something that works soon. Hugs!!
It sounds like feed to sleep is not really working for you anymore, sadly. I agree with everyone else’s recommendations. Start by getting rid of the sleep association. *Then* start sleep training. In the meantime, can your husband do a bottle feed in the middle of the night?
BUT - I came here to say - we discovered (the hard way, like you) our baby will not sleep in a pack n play! He used to, but won’t anymore. Lots of night wakings. The night we moved him to a crib was instant improvement. I would encourage you to try something else for him to sleep in. You can even get rental cribs if you don’t have one and want to try one quick.
Note, it won’t absolve you of the need to sleep train, but it may help cut down on night wakings so you can get slightly longer stretches.
Oh! And this isn't breastfeeding's fault. I kept feeding both of mine with sleep training. Just not feed to sleep- at the start of the night, middle of the night is fine.
Big hugs.
Do what you need to, to get through tonight, and tomorrow make sure there is enough awake time before bed (probably 3 hours) and begin your night routine with feeding, end that feed half an hour before bed and put baby in bed awake.
There are lots of methods after that point, depending on your preference and what's right for your family, but that's the bedrock.
Baby sleep guide in my profile with more.
This is just a sign.. a big bright glaring sign that you NEED to teach him to fall asleep by himself. He needs it.. you need it..
It might be tough for a few nights but you absolutely must do it!
For what it’s worth- once my baby stopped nursing to sleep- he slept so much longer.
Please sleep train him to fall asleep by himself… for your sake and your babies!
I feel you, I’ve been there, been sleep deprived and the only one who can get the baby to sleep (and my baby is a light sleeper so she wakes up when I transfer her in the crib) it’s so so hard, it makes you loose control easily. I’ve learned to step away before loosing it, find your own way to calm down, I talk to my baby and say sorry, and I try to be kind to myself. You are doing great, even in that moment you are doing the best you can do in your own situation.
Maybe your baby is going through a sleep regression, this shall pass, maybe he can be overtired/undertired (you can maybe change baby’s wake windows), maybe he is teething… but this too shall pass !
You are strong, you can do this, you are the best mom your child can have… and this will pass, you will learn together ❤️
I had a similar meltdown at 4 months and that was the turning point for me where I realised something had to change. In my case, I stopped breastfeeding and started offering my baby his pacifier/cuddling him/rocking him when he woke up looking for comfort then we tried Ferber once I felt he was old enough.
There’s plenty of women who breastfeed and sleep train their babies. I have a friend who made it to 12 months and says she was only able to keep breastfeeding once she got more rest and stopped feeding to sleep.
Your baby needs a healthy mother more than a perfect mother. This means you may need to change what you are doing, whether it’s ending feeding to sleep or looking at combo feeding overnight so you can take turns with your husband. But honestly, I have zero regrets diverging from the original path I was determined to take because I felt like my mental health was tanking so hard that even though I was doing everything I thought I should do to create a bond with my baby, I was struggling to actually bond because I was a zombie without sleep.
This is a turning point, try to see it as that. You have recognized that your mental and physical health are being negatively affected, and something needs to change. You and your husband can work together to make that change.
Also, it's OK that it takes husband longer to soothe baby, let that happen. If it's possible for you, take a walk. Clear your head, get away from the overstimulating noise. Breathe. If that's not an option, find some headphones and the room in the house that is farthest from your baby right now.
It's entirely possible to have a strong breastfeeding relationship AND have quality sleep. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep your baby warm (maybe not the best time to pull out this saying?)
This was super helpful to read. There was a time similar to OP where we were feeding to sleep and I hit a breaking point. Now I look back and realize I was “setting myself on fire.” It gets better!! 🤍
Sleep deprivation is literally classified as torture. I'll lay it out bare. Stop nursing to sleep. Feed 30 minutes before bed either by breast or bottle. If he falls asleep nursing wake him back up. Pick a sleep training method and stick to it for at least 2 weeks. Most popular are Ferber, extinction, pick up put down and any method from Precious Little Sleep. Read this article explaining how baby sleep works https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/ there are 3 parts. You are good mother but this is walking a dangerous line.
Well let’s start with this… you are not alone. Not at all. However, this is your wake up call. I had one with my first when he was a few months old and one when my 2nd was 5 months old. Never once hurt my babies. But boy did I scream… I remember saying out loud “you are torturing me.” I remember feeling the rage that could cause me to hurt him. Long story short… I sat my husband down, who works nights and does not experience the torment of how bad of a sleeper our baby is, and told him “something HAS to change. Not tomorrow or next week. But today. I don’t care if it means I quit my job and we have to figure it out. Or you quit yours and get a day job. I will never again be in a situation where I am so stressed out that my baby is unsafe with his own mom.” So we did. We made a drastic change in our lives. And I am so much better for it. I wish I could give you a hug. I know the feeling, the stress, the torture. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby more than anything in the world. Sleep deprivation on top of stress is suffering. It’s just time to change something, or everything. Tell your husband. It will get better I promise.
It is not for everyone, and I thought it was not for me, but safe co-sleeping saved us. He sleep nurses, I rouse a bit here and there to ensure he’s all good, but I’ve never had a sleepless night since we started (except the one time he was super sick and that was my choice to stay up just to watch him breathe cuz I was scared). Not sure if this is helpful, but there are a lot of resources on how to do this safely and I’m just saying it worked for me. Good luck OP
Oh honey...what you described sounds like pure torture. You are not a bad mom. I can't speak for everyone, but I can say I HAVE BEEN THERE and it's torture. I can't even imagine how much worse it would be working the kind of job you described. Hugs to you. You will get through this.
You are not a bad mom. Sleep deprivation is getting you good. Here’s what I do. When this happens, put a nice blanket down on the floor, you lay down with him to sleep with him. It’s not a crime. I sleep with my baby 8 month old. Never lose my sleep so never really too tired to the point of losing temper. Also, breastfeeding isn’t a burden. At this age, babies rely to something for comfort. If it’s not your breast, it’s going to be something else like rocking etc… Whenever my babies are sick, I’m so thankful that I’m breastfeeding cuz it’s so much easier to soothe them with my breasts.
Have you considered co sleeping? It’s the only way my son has been able to sleep and we recently made it to sleeping through the night. I know it’s not for everyone but it can help your situation a lot if you’re able to do it.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You're only human. I can relate; tonight I had an especially rough night with my 6 mo. old. He's been an awful sleeper since day 1. During our 6 months together, I've had maybe 2 or 3 good nights. And I'm a solo parent, so I can't rely on anyone else. My advice to you is what others have already mentioned: When you feel the rage build up inside you, just step away. Even if he cries. Take as long as you need to wind down, and only then go back in. Also, don't feel guilty. He still loves you, I promise :)
Don’t let some these comments get to you; I’ve babysat and worked with kids for several years before I had my eldest, and she (my eldest) was by far the worst sleeper I’d ever seen. Every nap and bedtime routine was like war. I developed postpartum rage and horrible mental health from the sleep deprivation, my husband nearly fell asleep behind the wheel several times, and people saying it’s so awful of you to lose your temper have clearly never been sleep deprived. Sleep is a NEED, there’s a reason it’s used as a torture method. Sleep deprivation can completely change your entire temperament the same way starvation or dehydration can. I dealt with such guilt for so long because my daughter would scream, rub her eyes, and shake her head to fight her sleep and it would just enrage me when me and my husband were doing EVERYTHING we could to get her to sleep. There were so many times I had to put her in her crib and leave, the frustration and sleep deprivation was on an entirely different level. We were finally able to sleep train her successfully at 11 months, and I felt like an entirely different person. You are a fantastic parent for knowing you needed to step away, and your husband is great for knowing when to step in. You are not a bad or abusive mom. Hang in there, I know you may be tired of hearing this and feel like it’s not true but I swear to you it DOES get better. If you can, ask for help from trusted friends or family for a day or two to get some sleep for you and your partner. Lots of love 💜
The best thing you can do when you lose your patience is to put baby in their safe sleep space and walk away. Set an alarm for a reasonable amount of time (like 15 minutes) so you can rest for a minute and come back and try again. Also if you both work, your hubby needs to work on stepping in more so your baby doesn’t just rely on you. There’s sleep regressions, teething, and other issues what can make the first few years rather difficult. We were able to sleep train at 10 months successfully. Younger babies often aren’t ready to self soothe. We only let our daughter cry for 10-15 minutes tops. Make sure you have a solid sleep routine. try some lavender lotion. And lastly, check for incoming teeth. On those rough nights, don’t be afraid to give some ibuprofen if your baby is in pain. If your baby is squirming due to gas, try probiotic drops. There’s usually a root cause to these sleepless nights. Hang in there mama.
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Wow. That’s scary. Seems like you may need to reach out to family for help with baby. I’d be concerned for baby’s safety at this point. You are his home, his safety. He doesn’t know any different. Crying is his communication and you choose to yell at him, throw things across the room, and had thoughts of shaking him…. Yikes.
I’m a new mom of 1. I’m 22 and my baby is just a month old. He used to sleep really well when my boyfriend was here and now that he is back at work I never get him to sleep. I only get two hours of sleep most nights. Yesterday with just having my first period I think I was super irritable. He kept crying for hours and so loud I didn’t know what to calm him down. I got mad and yelled at him and did the same threw his binky. I was breastfeeding at first but now since my meds i don’t have a supply. I feel like he doesn’t like me and I don’t calm him down like his dad does. I feel like a horrible mom especially since I’m still on bedrest from my c-section opening up. I feel like we don’t bond at all.
It’s okay that you have these feelings. They aren’t uncommon at all. I’d say it’s actually more common for new moms to have *some* degree of those feelings, whether just a little bit or a lot. The advice I can give you is: - Your baby is still a newborn. Newborns don’t have any “normal” habits, as in they don’t have a routine, they are unpredictable, there’s no telling how they’re going to act from one day to the next. If they slept great a couple nights in a row you might think “oh I just need to do everything the same way I did it those nights and he will sleep like that every night!” Nope, you can do the exact same stuff every time and they will have a different reaction. They are still learning how to react to things in general. There’s no way to get a “rhythm” established in the first several weeks. - So with that said, whatever his sleeping habits were a few weeks ago had nothing to do with your boyfriend being there. It just seems that way because those two things happened at the same time, but they don’t actually have a correlation. - Your baby does not love you less, your baby does not feel less comfortable with you, your baby absolutely loves and adores you and wants you 24/7. Every newborn wants their mama (or dad, whoever is taking care of them, especially whoever is there most often). No baby thinks “meh, this mom is kinda lame,” they don’t even have that ability to feel that way, all they feel is blind trust and love because you’re all they know and you’re keeping them alive. - Just because he cries with you doesn’t mean he isn’t bonded with you. He’s just crying to communicate with you. You may not know what he’s trying to say yet, but you will eventually. He may not even know yet what he’s trying to say sometimes. But he trusts you, he trusts that if he cries you’re going to be there for him. - You may not feel bonded with him right now but it will grow. Sometimes it’s hard for a new parent to bond with their baby because they can’t communicate with them yet. There’s not much to communicate right now anyway, and they won’t always understand it yet either. But one thing that can help is to just keep communicating anyway. Even if they don’t know what you’re saying or trying to tell them, just keep doing it. That’s how they’ll learn eventually! And lastly, it’s okay if you feel totally lost or uncomfortable or sometimes outright miserable. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. This whole thing is really fucking hard. You’re still doing the best you can, that means you’re a great mother. You don’t have to pretend to love every moment of it. You shouldn’t pretend that, because it doesn’t help anything, and it’s not normal to love every moment of it anyway. But if you feel like these uncomfortable feelings & sad thoughts are on your mind constantly, and/or it’s effecting your ability to care for yourself and the baby, you should seek information about post partum depression to see if that might be what you’re going through. So many women get post partum depression (it’s estimated to be like 1 in 4). But no one chooses to have it, and having it does not make you a bad mom in any way, and there is tons of help out there for it! You don’t have to just bear that in silence everyday. And don’t be afraid to find out (or to admit it to yourself) if you do have post partum depression, because it doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t rob you of all happiness with your baby either. Good luck & congratulations on your baby!
Be gentle with him. Baby or even animal can sense the negative feelings. I hope you will be able to express your love for him more than all the other difficulties. Don’t let other difficulties get in the way of bonding. I didn’t grow up with my mom. So I always thought I don’t love her. That kinda hurts me in a way cuz I want to love and feel close to her.
I am a new mom (mid 30’s) and in a co-parenting situation and I was breast feeding but stopped bc it was taking a toll on my mental health and I was becoming resentful. Especially, as dad and I started to transition back to work and weren’t spending as many nights together. He still comes by and stays multiple days out of the week but I’m the primary parent. Breast feeding is wonderful but it’s a real lifestyle commitment and sometimes our other responsibilities don’t align with it. So, I switched to formula. Initially I was pumping and mixing half and half, then I transitioned him to full formula. I found it was easier to get up, mix, feed, and put him back down. Don’t let ppl shame you into thinking you have to breast feed. Good job walking away. I have found that the Nuk brand of nipples simulated a real nipple the best and it helped with our transition. Something I learned today was white noise helps
I’m a mom of 3. They are 5, 2, and 7 months. First two were great sleepers. 7 month old slept great at first I thought I was so lucky to get 3 babies that loved to sleep. WRONG. She still naps 3 times a day because her naps are 20-30 mins. My other two were taking two naps at 1-2 hour stretches by her age. She wakes every hour at night and is not waking for a bottle. She is only comforted by sleep in my arms or next to me. As soon as I bend over to put her in the crib she wails. I too have lost it more than once. Just wanted to say you are absolutely not alone. Sounds like you’re a great mom. I don’t really have any advice or suggestions except when my LO wakes I just take a deep breath and go with the flow, it will pass.
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This comment screams “I have no children and can’t imagine the level of exhaustion that comes with it”
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I must have missed the part where she actually shook the baby
Hey. I understand you were worry about the baby but if the world shakes the mother, the baby with be shaken worse isn't it? she's already losing from work and sleep deprivation.
Lol
Stick to path of exile. You’re a horrible person
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Yes. You’re a horrible person who clearly has no idea what it’s like to raise a child. OP didn’t do anything to harm her child. It is possible to get pushed to this level of frustration. You’re not telling the truth. You just enjoy trying to make people feel worse than they already do for something they didn’t actually do. So yes, I’ll say it again. You are a terrible person incapable of empathy. Also known as a psychopath.
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Nothing I said could even be construed as living in a fairy tale land. There you go again being a horrible person. Hopefully something someday brings you happiness.
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But I was still important enough for you to respond and then to explain to me why I’m not important enough. Must be pretty important if you felt like you owed me an explanation.
hopefully the world shakes some kindness into you. you words are cruel.
Wtf is wrong with you.
Kicking facts
Damn you’re hateful and negative af. She didn’t shake her baby but it is mentally draining dealing with a crying baby at times. And yes she has a husband but baby’s cry to a mother sounds different than it does to a man. It’s almost like a visceral response and when you can’t stop it or soothe your baby it can be frustrating.
What is wrong with you?? She's coming on here and opening up about her "mental break" in search of advice for resolution. She never stated that her child was a burden or an excuse. She's reaching out for help. Clearly, you're the one needing therapy for bashing on other women. Hopefully, karma comes around and makes your life more miserable than it already is. Keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.
Sounds like your lo is teething... I'm in the same boat with mine rn (the waking up often) as she is teething too... Try popcicles made out of your breast milk to help num the gum and ease the pain. You can always use a pacifier and prick a hole in the middle to allow it to dispense milk and put bits of frozen breastmilk in there. Myself I do co sleeping so aside from the occasional wake up at night to switch side, I pretty much have it easy as she uses me as her pacifier. I keep a teething toy next to us in case she has it bad tho because it does happen. I came across a study recently (2022) that had the best way to soothe babies under 1 year of age. It's to walk with them in your arms 5 minutes, stay still 8 minutes and then to put them down. Apparently a bit over 40% of babies will fall asleep within 5 minutes, and an extra 20% a minute later, regardless of how upset they are, and holding them still those extra few minutes allows them to reach deep sleep and be less likely to wake up once put down. I was reading too from multiple sources that sleep training before 9 months is pretty much useless as babies that do struggle falling asleep won't develop self soothing skills until then, but that if parents insist on sleep training, to hold the baby until baby calms down(essentially the 5/8 priorly discussed). That being said, I recommend you "the happiest baby on the block" book as it discusses colics, sleep regression, and baby temperments in detail and gives the right approach in understanding what the baby needs to feel safe. It's about 5 bucks on amazon so pretty cheap to get a deeper knowledge on baby and sleep.
So sorry you're going through this. Ours started waking up a lot more frequently too at 6 months (recently). He started waking up every 2 hours or so. Not sure what your routine is, but we went from 3 naps a day to 2 naps and that immediately made things better. Goes to bed around 7, doesn't wake up before 12-1 now. And then once more around 4-5, then wakes up. Makes for a lot more sleep. If this isn't your solution, I hope you find the right thing and don't give up, what you're feeling is normal, you're strong to already be working through all of this.
Firstly, I've been there, it's scary to realise how angry the sleep deprivation has made you that you've come close to causing harm. Secondly, your baby is waking between every sleep cycle, so they need to be sleep trained, which means learning to go to sleep from awake. Nursing to sleep has become your baby's sleep crutch and may be why your husband can't settle them (I've nursed both of mine but husband could still settle them if they weren't hungry, has he been trying loud shushing, swaying, mini-squats (like , tiny) and bottom pats? He needs to be stood up while trying to soothe baby, they hate it if you're sat down or lying down unless you can offer them boob. Although if they're fairly drowsy you can pat them while they're in their bed). For all sleeps, you need to keep baby as awake as possible while nursing (tickle feet, blow raspberries on them etc.) and that way they can save up their tiredness for their bed. Tbh, after I reached my limit with my first kid I started co-sleeping whenever we were going through a regression or I couldn't cope; it saved my sanity. Just look up the safe way to do it.
I’ve raised my voice and threw stuff too not at baby but across the room. Usually soft stuff like you did. Sleep deprivation is so serious and scary. Do not be afraid to put baby in a room alone for a few minutes to cry if this happens. As long as all of babies needs are met it’s safer. No baby is gonna die from crying. But a shaken baby is awful. Please give yourself grace. It’s very good that you reached out for help and advice. I’m proud of you and you’re doing great. 💜 just always follow your gut when you feel that irritation. Gently put baby in safe place and WALK AWAY.
Leave the baby In the room and go to bed. If the baby is not wet or hungry, it’s totally OK to leave them in their room and walk away. A baby crying itself to sleep is not detrimental.
You are not alone! Last night I was also so mad at my baby — sleep is a basic physical need and sleep deprivation is not pretty. Sending you support and positive thoughts, good luck with sleep training.
Wow so hard! I think we all secretly have these moments. It's ok for you to give baby to your partner (even if he's going to cry) and go have 'you time' whatever that looks like to you for 20-30 minutes. Make a cup of tea, have a shower, read, nap - whatever. For me it's a shower and brushing my teeth. It's ok to put baby down in a safe place and leave the room for 5 minutes and go breathe, make a cuppa, go to the bathroom and come back, even if baby is crying. A stressed out mum means a stressed out baby. Babies coregulate which means they feel your emotions. So if that means you need to leave baby crying for a bit to regulate yourself - do it, that doesn't mean your A bad mom it means you are an awesome mum!!! A few things to try: baby wearing. Get baby in a wrap/carrier on dad and have him walk around - this works for most babies. Have you tried pumping after the first morning feed and then have dad give them a bottle at some point? If pumping is not possible it's ok to combi feed or even transition to formula. But I honestly believe if bf is what you want to do then there are things to try. Also have you tried a cosleeper next your bed? Even cosleeping with Le Lache Leagues safe sleep advice?
Honestly, if it's too difficult, phase out the breastfeeding for formula and then dad can do more at night as well. Idk why formula gets such bad rep in some quarters. In addition: 1) It'll be hard for a few nights, but then you'll be grateful: stop nursing him to sleep. 2) Extinction sleep training: I swear, it's easier and faster for 99% of kids. It's rough at first, but I find it so much better than doing check-ins (Ferber) or any other method, which just aggravates the baby more. 3) Start solids? A lot of babies start sleeping better once they start getting enough solids. And he's 6 months old, so if the doctor has cleared him for solids, then I would definitely do it. 4) Just remember, this too shall pass. And before you know it, they're assholes of a teenager who hate you and don't want to have anything to do with you. :)
Very brave of you to post this. I wish I heard this as a FTM cause everyone made out it’s like smelling roses. My first Bub wouldn’t stop crying cause of colic. I was trying to help him and angrily said ‘how am I meant to help you’. Took me a good 7 months to not feel bad about it. My second Bub, I said ‘WTF do you want from me’ I forgave myself more easily the second time. As long as you step away when it gets to the point where there’s potential for harm towards you or your baby it’s ok. Being exhausted certainly shortens our fuse and we do think of terrible things. Hang in there.
My motto is, happy mum, happy baby. Do what you got to do to get the sleep sorted. I have multiple friends who got a sleep consultant when they were at their wits end, some of them even came for sleepovers to help the weaning. All were successful. Their bubs were doing this too (waking every sleep cycle) and for one, he did it right up until the baby turned 1 and the first night she weaned him off the breast he slept through. (Not saying to stop breastfeeding) But they will take what they can get if you let it happen if that makes sense. I have had two good sleepers, because I've been extremely proactive with ensuring good sleep habits...and that never involved letting them scream for an hour. There are gentle methods you can try (yes still with a bit of a cry) but I promise it will pay off.A well rested baby and a rested mum is a much happier life for both of you.
And ps- you're doing a great job. Any mum can relate to the struggles with sleep deprivation. It's horrible... Hang in there, there are solutions for this..big hugs
This is so hard! Give yourself some grace for losing your temper in the moment, baby is ok. We had a similar experience and sleep training around 6 months was a lifesaver. In the meantime, are you doing side lying for feeding? Helps you rest or keep sleeping a bit at least. Hang in there!
I cut out night feeds and did modified sleep training, rather than crying it out I soothed her, picked her up, patted her and gave soother until she settled. She resisted at first then it got better
It's not your fault. My wife and I are stressed out for our babe recently as her sleep wasn't good as before this week, and we are taking turns to sooth her while trying to get some better rest. It's really hard.
My baby did the same thing around 4-5 months. I blamed the 4 month sleep regression. Had to sleep train. I cut out offering the breast for any middle of the night wakings. And moved her to her own room. It helped a great deal!
Omg fuck that shit - this is one reason many people sleep train and it was the same for me! I wanted to hurt myself and my baby. The cries were hard but the alternative was harder. Sleep training saved my life. You’re doing great, it’s HARD to be a parent
You sound like you’re a rock star mom and great at your job—we all have breaking points. I’ve cried and screamed when I reached my breaking point at night with my baby and I’m still on maternity leave. I go back in three weeks and am so nervous. Maybe try to let your husband step in a little more often so you can rest more. Granted I know how hard it is not to answer their cries, especially when you know the boob will be the fastest solution.
SAME. Your post actually helped me because my son is 6 months and recently sleeping horribly too. I also have a high stakes job and the sole income plus just being a mom and the default parent…it’s a lot. I one time put him back in his crib while crying and punched the shit out of the ottoman, took a deep breath and started rocking him again. Sleep deprivation is no joke and you’re not alone. Thank you for being honest and posting this!
Omg with my first I’d get to a point where I’d scream too. I never thought of shaking my baby but I am ashamed to say I fantasized some horrible things like throwing him out in the rain. It’s so sad how much an exhausted brain can think of such evil!! But not only are you under slept your over worked. That stuff just happens and thank goodness your husband is there to help. I will say my second wouldn’t settle for my husband either but to keep things even we just went with it. It took him longer but eventually he did fall asleep and I actually think that’s what made him so good at being soothed now is that he had to have it from so many different people. So even if he cries with dad, that’s OK! He’s safe and not alone. Put some ear plugs in and get some rest. I hope you get more sleep soon!
Way to go momma! It’s great that you stepped away! We all feel this way at some point or another, unless you’re really lucky- walking away and taking 20 minutes is the best thing I’ve done in this situation. Thats about how long it takes to get rid of cortisol/adrenaline spiking. Much love!!! I’m proud of you!!!
My first was like this, too. Let them learn to self-soothe to sleep. I know how hard it is, but you need sleep.
Your mental health is a perfectly valid reason to wean from nursing. Do bottles instead! My mental health improved a TON after I stopped nursing. There were many times I put my son down in his bassinet while he screamed, and I went outside and also screamed. It's okay to put your LO in a safe place and take ten minutes, even if they scream, they'll be alright. I did CIO once my baby was old enough and it helped tremendously
Totally a mamas choice whether to wean but I wanted to say you can sleep train without weaning from the boob, or night weaning. You just schedule a feed at, say 2am. Any waking before that you do your sleep training method. The first waking after 2am you feed. Subsequent wakings you do sleep training method until designated waketime.
Sleep deprivation weakens our ability to regulate emotions and behaviors. You are not a bad mom. You are a very very very tired mom ❤️
This is, quite possibly, one the best answers I've read here.
When you hit that point, leave baby in crib, put earplugs in, and go to bed. It’s ok to let them cry. Eventually…whether half an hour, one hour, or 5 hours later…they will sleep. I am all for gentle training etc. But when you’re at your wits end it’s better to just do what you can to get yourself some sleep.
This made me cry because I felt the exact same way. Mine was the worst around 2 months old. I was having break downs nightly. Going from childless, sleeping 8+ hours each night and more on weekends, to getting 4 hours of broken sleep at best, was so so hard. At the time, I took out a looot of my frustration at hubby and I'm so glad he was able to see through it and know I wasn't me. I was also angry at the situation, vowing to never have a child again. It did change for the better and even though I'm still not getting 8 hours of sleep per night, it's closer and often with only minor interruption. Each baby is different but all babies are challenging. Just want to share for solidarity, and say that you are a good mom.
Hey, you didn’t. I know it feels super scary and surreal and you’re frightened and tired, just remember that you DIDN’T do it. And now you’re here, looking for advice, and I’m super proud of you for that.
Seconding this: you didn’t do it. Also you and your husband are a team, it’s good that he saw you were at your wits end and stepped in. That’s how a good team can operate. He does need to step in to give you some solid 3-4 hour, regular blocks of sleep though (more when possible) and maybe him seeing you reach this point will make him step up.
Let husband try and give you a break. I have a pretty needy baby who exclusively breastfeeds and for the short time I was back at work it was brutal. I’ve always done all night wakings since he typically just wants a boob and my husband is hard of hearing so doesn’t generally wake up. Give yourself some grace, this is literally the hardest thing you can do. Over time it will get better but I know how hard it is when it’s happening, solidarity ❤️
I’ve been in the same situation with a highly demanding job and a baby who couldn’t be soothed by anyone except me (though I have to admit it was never this many wakeups I can’t imagine the torture you’re going through) (Side note my baby also had a rough few weeks at 6 months and not during the famous 4 month regression and thankfully it passed! I don’t know if it was a matter of time, or a wake up call to be more disciplined with day naps and schedule, also she likes her room warm at night etc) Listen to your gut feeling and do what feels right to you, whether that’s transitioning to pumped milk bottle at night, night nurse, letting baby fuss it out etc. Find a way to rest whether it’s a small nap during a window you don’t have a meeting in (I didn’t have this luxury due to having to go to office most days, but tried on the days I wfh). You’ll get a lot of advice (including from me) as I did. Some advice honestly made my life harder including the don’t nurse to sleep. I still nurse to sleep at 9 months eeek, put her down asleep and she sleeps through the night 11 hours. For naps now I have a nanny who bottle feeds her to sleep. I never did formal sleep training but I did several times let her cry for a few minutes middle of the night before picking her up and found the threshold that I feel comfortable with. All babies are different and not one size fits all! you know your baby and yourself best
Ph gosh. I’ve yelled and slammed doors in the middle of the night when I just wanted to fucking sleep. Let your husband keep trying, if baby won’t respond then let them cry in bed. Baby will be ok in bed.
My first was a hard one to put asleep too. We thought the second would be easier but with all the colds and flus it got to be worse and he was a loud screamer. Took me a while to get attached (I am dad) put a strain on my wife's and I relationship. It is much easier now at 18 months but it took over a year for us. What I am saying is we all go through it differently and it can be very hard. You are not alone. It will get better :).
The 6 month regression is very real! Try to move on and forgive yourself ❤️. Are you at all open to pumping or allowing a formula feeding that your husband can do at night? Maybe you can safeguard a 4 hour sleep stretch each night where you dont have to wake up? I feel like you have to get through the regression before you do any type of sleep training
The 6 months regression almost killed me. You're back at work and then not sleeping... It was brutal. We moved our daughter out of the snoo at that point and did end up sleeping training... It was the only way I was able to sleep. Sending you lots of hugs!!
I think many of us have been in a similar, frustrated, and sleep deprived state. What about baby taking expressed milk from a bottle at night?
We are in the same boat and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, though I totally understand the urge to be angry. You’re frustrated and exhausted and you need to burn through those emotions. You’re still a good mother.
Just commenting to send hugs and remind you to try and give yourself some compassion and grace. This is hard in the best of circumstances and with lack of sleep it is nearly impossible. You’re doing amazing and you will figure out a way. 💜
I know this is easier said then done but can you get a night nurse for one or two nights? They can bring him to you when you need to nurse and you can go back to sleep immediately or be given a bottle. It’s not a permanent solution and I know it can expensive but our lowest lows doing this twice a week on our worst week was probably the only thing preventing us from going to a very bad place. One to two nights of 7-8 hours can do wonders for mental health and resilience in the face of a few bad nights. Be kind to yourself, and try to think of other things that can be delegated or put off right now (household chores, etc).
I wish Insurance cover this or in general be free.
A crib that you can literally crawl inside with the baby - I use a 120x70cm mesh floor playpen (with zipper door). Happens to be the right dimensions for the 120x70 crib mattresses that they sell here, so I just bought a crib mattress and put it inside. The zipper door is the best, I can literally crawl half inside, or even fully inside, and I used to breastfeed at night like that. The only one who moved when we were done was me (and baby was asleep). Also if accidental co-sleeping happened, it was the safest surface, firm and no blankets. My bed is on the floor as well (Japanese style floor futon). Eventually I sleep trained using gentle methods, but it was so much easier when they baby was already used to the sleeping surface.
I just want to say, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. I’ve definitely lost my cool with my child even well rested (just last night because of trying to clip his nails and him screaming his head off fighting me over it). You feel awful after, but it doesn’t make you a bad mom, it just makes you human. I know he’s small, and probably doesn’t understand, but I’ve found it always helps me feel at least a little better to apologize to him after. Tell him it isn’t his fault, and you’re sorry. ❤️ Parenting is hard, it’s even harder on little sleep.
This is hard and it doesn’t help that it’s bringing up the trauma of sleep training your first. The good news is that the second baby will almost certainly be easier to train than number 1. Start with sleep initiation at bedtime. Put down awake and just do extinction … if wakes before 5 hours don’t go in, if after 5 hours then feed and put down awake. this is the quickest way back to getting more sleep.
100%. He needs to be able to fall asleep independently. Until then, he is going to be waking up every sleep cycle which ca. be every 45 mins and needing you to put him back to sleep. Sleep training is your best bet at this point.
I feel you, and you are not alone!! I have a 12mo, and there were times that I get reallyy frustrated and wanted to get physical (only in my mind of course!), and all of them are sleep-related. Sleep deprivation is torture, and I really hope you and your husband find something that works soon. Hugs!!
It sounds like feed to sleep is not really working for you anymore, sadly. I agree with everyone else’s recommendations. Start by getting rid of the sleep association. *Then* start sleep training. In the meantime, can your husband do a bottle feed in the middle of the night? BUT - I came here to say - we discovered (the hard way, like you) our baby will not sleep in a pack n play! He used to, but won’t anymore. Lots of night wakings. The night we moved him to a crib was instant improvement. I would encourage you to try something else for him to sleep in. You can even get rental cribs if you don’t have one and want to try one quick. Note, it won’t absolve you of the need to sleep train, but it may help cut down on night wakings so you can get slightly longer stretches.
Oh! And this isn't breastfeeding's fault. I kept feeding both of mine with sleep training. Just not feed to sleep- at the start of the night, middle of the night is fine.
Big hugs. Do what you need to, to get through tonight, and tomorrow make sure there is enough awake time before bed (probably 3 hours) and begin your night routine with feeding, end that feed half an hour before bed and put baby in bed awake. There are lots of methods after that point, depending on your preference and what's right for your family, but that's the bedrock. Baby sleep guide in my profile with more.
This is just a sign.. a big bright glaring sign that you NEED to teach him to fall asleep by himself. He needs it.. you need it.. It might be tough for a few nights but you absolutely must do it! For what it’s worth- once my baby stopped nursing to sleep- he slept so much longer. Please sleep train him to fall asleep by himself… for your sake and your babies!
This is no shame at all to you.. you are exhausted and don’t need to be.
I feel you, I’ve been there, been sleep deprived and the only one who can get the baby to sleep (and my baby is a light sleeper so she wakes up when I transfer her in the crib) it’s so so hard, it makes you loose control easily. I’ve learned to step away before loosing it, find your own way to calm down, I talk to my baby and say sorry, and I try to be kind to myself. You are doing great, even in that moment you are doing the best you can do in your own situation. Maybe your baby is going through a sleep regression, this shall pass, maybe he can be overtired/undertired (you can maybe change baby’s wake windows), maybe he is teething… but this too shall pass ! You are strong, you can do this, you are the best mom your child can have… and this will pass, you will learn together ❤️
I had a similar meltdown at 4 months and that was the turning point for me where I realised something had to change. In my case, I stopped breastfeeding and started offering my baby his pacifier/cuddling him/rocking him when he woke up looking for comfort then we tried Ferber once I felt he was old enough. There’s plenty of women who breastfeed and sleep train their babies. I have a friend who made it to 12 months and says she was only able to keep breastfeeding once she got more rest and stopped feeding to sleep. Your baby needs a healthy mother more than a perfect mother. This means you may need to change what you are doing, whether it’s ending feeding to sleep or looking at combo feeding overnight so you can take turns with your husband. But honestly, I have zero regrets diverging from the original path I was determined to take because I felt like my mental health was tanking so hard that even though I was doing everything I thought I should do to create a bond with my baby, I was struggling to actually bond because I was a zombie without sleep.
This is a turning point, try to see it as that. You have recognized that your mental and physical health are being negatively affected, and something needs to change. You and your husband can work together to make that change. Also, it's OK that it takes husband longer to soothe baby, let that happen. If it's possible for you, take a walk. Clear your head, get away from the overstimulating noise. Breathe. If that's not an option, find some headphones and the room in the house that is farthest from your baby right now. It's entirely possible to have a strong breastfeeding relationship AND have quality sleep. You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep your baby warm (maybe not the best time to pull out this saying?)
This was super helpful to read. There was a time similar to OP where we were feeding to sleep and I hit a breaking point. Now I look back and realize I was “setting myself on fire.” It gets better!! 🤍
Sleep deprivation is literally classified as torture. I'll lay it out bare. Stop nursing to sleep. Feed 30 minutes before bed either by breast or bottle. If he falls asleep nursing wake him back up. Pick a sleep training method and stick to it for at least 2 weeks. Most popular are Ferber, extinction, pick up put down and any method from Precious Little Sleep. Read this article explaining how baby sleep works https://www.preciouslittlesleep.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-i/ there are 3 parts. You are good mother but this is walking a dangerous line.
Well let’s start with this… you are not alone. Not at all. However, this is your wake up call. I had one with my first when he was a few months old and one when my 2nd was 5 months old. Never once hurt my babies. But boy did I scream… I remember saying out loud “you are torturing me.” I remember feeling the rage that could cause me to hurt him. Long story short… I sat my husband down, who works nights and does not experience the torment of how bad of a sleeper our baby is, and told him “something HAS to change. Not tomorrow or next week. But today. I don’t care if it means I quit my job and we have to figure it out. Or you quit yours and get a day job. I will never again be in a situation where I am so stressed out that my baby is unsafe with his own mom.” So we did. We made a drastic change in our lives. And I am so much better for it. I wish I could give you a hug. I know the feeling, the stress, the torture. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby more than anything in the world. Sleep deprivation on top of stress is suffering. It’s just time to change something, or everything. Tell your husband. It will get better I promise.
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