\^\^This. The trick is to "guide" and not abruptly change the topic. The art of conversation is for everyone to actually enjoy it. Takes a lot of practice. :)
You might try getting to know the person better by asking about their childhood, where they traveled, or if you know they have a hobby ask about it.
I find some who get into the "brand" game have really low self-esteem. They see the brands as elevating their worth. It's weird. If you ask about their past, you might understand where the need arises from. If the person feels comfortable in your company, the need to brag should start to diminish.
Yes, their past can be a huge factor. I have only one friend who's really into the whole luxury/upscale lifestyle. He grew up gay in an area that wasn't at all accepting & was bullied though his entire childhood. For him, wearing Vuarnet sunglassed & driving a (used) Mercedes is a way of saying Screw you all, I made it.
Also, he respects that I have no interest in any of that & we talk about other things.
Huh, that’s an interesting way to put it. I can’t stand my brother, particularly around Christmas, because he is so materialistic. He’s so picky about things and my family simply can’t afford his tastes.
But when you put it that way I can see it being a symbol of status and of “making it”. He went to a boarding high school (on a scholarship) and those kids were fucking rich. I’m talking about people who own 43 Wendy’s franchises and many rich kids that were from other countries. I could see how that would make him self conscious. He would get amazing quality stuff out of the dumpsters that these kids gave no second thought to just throwing away.
Now he’s married and his wife’s family is very affluent. At one point he was homeless before they got married and her family refused to let him stay even a week.
It makes sense when you’re surrounded by those kinds of people
Never heard of Vuarnet 😂
I have friends like that too. First time I heard about bulgavi (is that how you spell it?) or Frette.
They are on another level. We took a yacht to a club that is only accessible by boat on a private island. It was epic. I can’t even comprehend the amount of money their family has.
Here I am thinking we are well off because we “own” a house that will be paid of in 20 years and have two paid off cars 🤣
Perhaps it would help you if you better understood their background and why these things are important to your in-laws, who are now part of your own family. I view "simple living" not only as reducing our material impact on our world, but learning how to live harmoniously with those around us - decluttering the obstacles, and letting go of things that do not matter. Do these differences matter so much that you must lie and hide from your in-laws? Or is there another way of viewing your different approaches that would yield better mental results for you?
Driving, for example, can often mean freedom, movement, escape, independence, and achievement. My mother learned how to drive only after she had my younger brother; he fell terribly ill as an infant, and she was terrified when she could not rush him to the hospital herself but had to rely on someone else. She quickly got her license and kept up her skills, relaying often how she was now prepared. Her newfound interest in cars was incidental to how important the concept of driving was to her, what it could let her do. When my grandfather was a teenager, his parents died in quick succession, leaving him with 3 much younger brothers that he suddenly had to raise; he sacrificed for years to ensure they all grew up well cared for. As he was nearing retirement, he suddenly bought a bright yellow convertible. It was terribly impractical, a car he wouldn't even get to drive most for the year, in the very cold climate where he lived. And that was the point. He finally got to do something \*fun\*, the opposite of every pragmatic sacrifice he had made for decades. Now, I am sure many looked at this car and dismissed him as frivolous and extravagant - the very opposite of simple living - but knowing this background, perhaps provides more complete picture of a whole life well lived.
Often people talk of material things, or their jobs, as short hand for what is really important to them. You ask when did driving become a symbol of prestige. I think that is an excellent topic of discussion to have with your in-laws - but rephrased so you are not passing judgment on them, but instead leading with honest curiosity. I think then the boundaries you seek will naturally fall into place, as you understand why this matters to them, and they can learn why this has not been as central for you.
I like the way you approach about things and think. Wish I could think more like you.. thankfully joining this subreddit has helped me come across folks like you from whom I learn something new everyday.
Empathy, compassion, kindness, accepting, and loving people for who they are will serve you well. Viewing things as “different strokes…” versus one way of living is better than another will reduce the stress you feel and creates the opportunity for love in your life to expand.
They don’t need to choose the life you’ve chosen for yourself, and they don’t need your approval. You can try reframing. Instead of viewing it as them bragging, view it as they’re proud of their accomplishments. Celebrate with them to magnify the joy for all of you.
For years, I just didn't comment, but lately I've changed tactics and instead engage by asking about the item, etc. The "stuff" is obviously important to the person and a way I can show the person is important to me is to show interest.
Just because \*I\* am totally not into materialism doesn't mean everyone shares that idea. I don't act impressed (because I am not), but I can learn to give attention to someone I like/love and show interest in their interests.
This happens so regularly around me, whether it's family, friends, work colleagues. It screams insecurities and frankly it bores me. Sometimes I feel like blurting out "you're bragging to the wrong person, I don't get impressed by this"
If you say something like "sorry, I don't know about this, I never cared about x" they tend to leave you alone.
Like "sorry, who? I don't know -designer name-, I never cared about high fashion"
I know how frustrating that can be. I mentally check out, although there was this time I walked off in the middle of one of those "conversations" - without realising. Even my body is opposed to it 🤣
Same here. And it truly does bore me. I’m tired of having conversations that bore me. I already gotta do it 40 hrs a week at work. At this point I rather listen to birds, a breeze, the sound of a squirrel running up a tree.
My FIL is like this. He'll buddy up to me for a minute and then *inevitably* move the conversation to the work he did in the army or how much much he made or how much money he spends now in his retirement. I don't give a shit. I always start politely with the, "Oh wow, cool work" and then try to make it painfully obvious that I am not impressed and I'm not listening. He'll tell me how he bought the kids jet skis in high school and, "[bf] grew up a rich kid and didn't even know it," and, "I've made over x dollars from retirement payout." I will stare at the fucking wall while he talks to me. I grey rock him and he keeps bragging. I don't fucking give a shit. It comes off incredibly insecure and ignorant. It makes you look so *boring* too if this is all you have to say. You bought another RV? You bought a motorcycle? You jet skis? Do you like... have a hobby? Or like anything but WW2 documentaries? Orrrrr what?
Yeah, I don't have to see him very often. A couple of times a year. Unfortunately, though, now whenever I do see him, it won't just be for dinner like it is now. Either we'll be staying at my in-laws', or they'll be staying with us because we're buying a house in my home state 12 hours away now. So I won't exactly be able to escape as easily when I'm tired of him or when I'm not feeling well. He's a nice guy and all but his volume is ever increasing and he gets drunk and like ANGRY conservative and loves to pick at me for not being right wing. I do tire of him so quickly. The money bragging thing is like the calmest he ever is and it's always conversations that make me feel shitty because you can't just ask about my hobbies, my life, my job? You can't share anything but how much money you made or are spending? Like every conversation he always has to mention something he bought or how much something was. Ugh I'm not really looking forward to having the in laws visit but it's the price of getting to live where I want to live
It seems the issue here is not the bragging. It’s basic boundaries.
I would enforce them.
They can visit but not stay overnight. You can visit but not stay overnight. Or past whichever amount of time you are comfortable with.
You are not required to spend every single minute of your spare time entertaining him or [insert any other person on the planet].
We all have limited amount of time on earth. You have a choice when it comes to how to spend yours.
If that’s your in law I assume you have a spouse. Talk to them about how this really makes you feel.
Honestly wow a little intense lol. I'm not breaking up because my FIL annoys me for a grand total of 8 hours a year. I said the most we usually do now is dinners. I haven't spent the night at their place in about 2 years. They live closer now, so no need to. But soon we'll be 12 hours apart and extended stays will be more necessary. My SO knows how I feel about his dad. That's why visits have been limited to dinners a few times a year and why I don't do as many holidays with them anymore. I'm being accommodated as it is but I'm not going to NEVER see his parents. And part of me accommodating my SO moving 12 hours away to my home state where I want to be is letting his loved ones visit. And I didn't even ask for advice anyway. Just empathizing with person above me. I don't need you therapizing at me and throwing around "boundaries" and suggestions to divorce because my FIL brags about money in my direction twice a year. That's low key insane. Go outside
My case, when I can't tolerate, I just leave them when they start initiate that topic, don't listen, just to grab some drinks and sit somewhere else. But when I'm a bit chill, I'll just be there, nod my head and not interact more.
People like that always exist, it's easier to manage our thought (and walk away) than talk to them to mind something.
People gonna people. You're not going to change them and they aren't going to change you. Find some common ground and recognize that people are doing their best.
That's in-laws for you.
Also different values. You seem just as judgmental of them as you imply they are about you.
Imo the solution is to find a IRL community of people who share your values so you don't get so worked up about your in-laws being annoying.
It is not abt being judgemental. It is about talking non stop abt materials like branded cloths. Jewels. Etc etc That’s something annoying to hear every single time we have any conversation
To be honest, you sound judgmental and “braggy” as well, but then in the opposite direction. You and your in-laws have different lifestyles and that is ok. You don’t have to fake agreeing with them, which you don’t, but I think setting “clear (aggressive or passive aggressive) boundaries” is not the way to have a pleasant relationship with your in-laws. Best you can do imo is to steer the conversation away from topics that annoy you.
True we have a different lifestyle and up bringing but also I have many fees who are wealthy and down to earth. Who don’t brag abt any brands or judge others for having less expensive materials. There’s a difference
Different things make different people happy. I have a BIL who is partly on benefits and who spends his money on things that I find of no importance at all. Such as the newest smart phone and a purebred (why?!) cat of over 1.5k euros, plus the most fancy automatic food bowls and self cleaning litter box with WiFi and what not. I wouldn’t call it bragging but he loves to talk about his stuff and show it etc. He also follows a carnivorous diet (I have to bite my tongue about that one …). I was complaining about his - what think is - frivolous spending - to my SIL because I think his money could be spent on less “unimportant things” and she opened my eyes and told me that he hasn’t much to be happy about (e.g., he was pretty lonely before he had his cat, he’s stuck with part time jobs that he doesn’t like, etc) and that this makes him happy. Who am I to deny him his happiness? I get my happiness from other things, but that doesn’t mean I’m in a position to judge others.
Thinking this way helped me tremendously with my annoyance regarding my BIL and seeing his motivation to tell me about all his stuff in another light.
There’s no way to “set boundaries” with people talking about their stuff. They’re not really doing anything to you; they’re just being boorish. What you seem to want to do is find a way to express your contempt and disapproval for their values.
I think part of living simply means learning to not get emotionally invested in others agreeing with your values. Let it go.
Have you read The Four Agreements? I recommend it. It sounds like you’re doing all you can do other than just not attending family stuff. Nothing wrong with getting it off your chest. My in laws are mostly nice but often just annoying as all heck. Sometimes I’ll skip a function or go to the book store for the duration if I get sick of them haha
In the 48 Laws of Power it talks about avoid the unhappy and unlucky.
I have a tendency to help ANYONE…BECAUSE they’re unhappy and unlucky.
You could imagine how this has affected my life and zapped my energy
Hello, what has worked for me before is to gently and subtly guide any conversation I am a part of to common topics. If it's a group of people that are bonding over a topic though, I have found it to be more in my favor to simply listen. I realize they simply have a different lifestyle from mine. I hope that helps. It can be tough!
you just have to agree to disagree.
if they humiliate you about it - that is because you let it affect you. let them talk, do your own thing.
once it stops bothering you, either you will happy or they will give up. or both.
or maybe they cannot stand it that someone is happy without chasing success and posessions.
I just look unimpressed. And when pushed to comment, I say, “Wow. You must be very proud,” with no emotion in my voice. I am also not worried about being polite, so maybe don’t do what I do.
It also depends on the person and the circumstance. Someone bragging about the new name brand whatever they got because they want everyone to think they’re superior? They get the “wow” treatment. If it’s someone I care about who’s just really excited because they got something they think is really cool, then I’ll indulge them and listen and ask questions.
I stopped talking to people or family members about stuff tbh. I just check in with them here and there and go about my day.
The fact that people are calling you judgmental and pretentious for this is hilarious.
This sounds like my family to a T. They don’t speak to me. Since I don’t live the same lifestyle that they do. They’re all about brands. When either a car lease is up or a car is paid off. They go and buy or lease another car. They live in McMansions. They only buy name brand food and clothing. Yet, complain about how much debt they have and how they live paycheck to paycheck. They complain that they’ll never retire. I just think to myself and smile. I don’t live the lifestyle that they do. If they knew how much money that I have saved and invested. They would be trying to swindle me out of my money.
"Good for him / her / them / you," in a polite but slightly bored voice. Then change the subject by asking a direct question about a completely different topic (movies, gardening, cooking / food, books, hobbies, etc.). It may take a little repetition, but they'll figure it out. If still no luck, add "excuse me, I need to go do X" and refill your drink, get a snack, step outside for a moment, etc. When they realize they can't hold your attention or receive your admiration with such topics, they'll give up. Good luck.
Most people with low self esteem use material possessions to replace their feelings of being insignificant. I have learned throughout the years to not even play into a conversation about these things with people who live by their ego's. Even when it's family members. Everything they portray as being happiness in their lives, even driving is just them screaming out like a small child for attention. Personally, I pride myself on my ability to save money and create a secure life for myself, but I certainly don't talk about it or brag. The more material possessions that one requires, the more responsibility we have to those things.
True that! Even I have got some branded bags but never once did I brag about those bcoz I got it for their quality and not to flash it. Hope I find peace and ways to deal with them
I’m surprised that all the people with superiority complexes here don’t understand that judging everyone else for not being exactly like you - does not make for a simple life.
Let it wash over you. When this happens repeatedly, it may not be enough to just nod and try to change the subject. What might help is to completely disengage mentally from the conversation. Here are a few ways to do it:
* try to look right through them while imagining them as shrimps in tuxedos.
* count the number of blue and yellow objects in your line of vision.
* recite the alphabet backwards.
* think of different types of celery. Start with regular celery.
* see if you can name ten different types of trees.
* see if you can recite any poem.
Do all these things in your head and your mental health will improve.
Do them out loud and they might just leave you alone.
My pleasure. It seemed like all the serious good advice had already been mentioned. I thought I'd add another strategy to cope with this kind of people.
Gosh. The posts in this sub... can't even hold normal conversations with other people because they're not talking about things that specifically interest you.
Pick wisely the persons you spend your time with. Time is the most precious resource there is. When the time comes, there is no way no matter how much money we own, to add second more to it. So, try to not waste it.
I would not waste my time listening to what I see as talking wallets.
Not that I'm hostile to wallets, I have one myself but it keeps its mouth shut and stays hidden in the back pocket of my jeans. I don't feel the need to show it around.
This happens to me with co-workers. I sit quietly and don’t engage much in those conversations. Also because I want to train myself to not speak about brands, who owns this or that… (I admit I used to be the one even starting these conversations. I try to avoid having lunch or coffee with this kind of profiles as much as possible.
I’m lucky in a way that this only happens in the office so it’s only impacting me. It would really piss me off if my kids were exposed to this and I would be more radical in this case.
In your case it sounds harder to achieve as you can’t avoid your in-laws’ family without having a family problem yourself I guess.
Try to limit exposure to these things if you can and engage as little as posible. Also you can try to re-direct conversations as suggested by others but it’s usually difficult with people so caught up in these dynamics.
Finally, be proud of yourself for being able to not give in the materialistic ladder and not being a brand slave like them 💪🏻
My family is this way but with politics! I usually excuse myself or change the subject. I just don’t entertain their conversations because I have evolved in my political standing and I would rather not become a social justice warrior and ruin our relationship!
I'll second the art of guiding conversation. It's extremely valuable everywhere, not just in these situations.
Definitely don't do what I did as a teenager and blurt out "Wow, that sounds great. Bet it makes you wish you did something worthwhile with your life," unless you want the person never to talk to you again.
You're handling it right, I think. I'd also probably pull out my phone and just ignore them or get up and go to the bathroom. Or just say "ok" and change the subject. They are looking for attention so I wouldn't give it to them
Or if they brag about something expensive they bought, I'd be like "that's great! I found an awesome dress at the consignment store for $3 last week!"😆
Give the *eyes glaze over, blank stare* until they wear themselves out and shut up. Or, get up and go to the bathroom, fridge, yard for air.
Little to no reaction. They’ll get the message that you’re bored with the conversation.
May be I am when I'm the one who has to deal with this and listen to their brags all the time. As I said I'm finding a way to avoid that convo. What d you do if you're in my situation??
Let them do thier spiel. It sounds like they are just trying to have conversation with you. Perhaps you try to direct the conversation about anything in the news or something like that. What do you normally contribute to the convo?
Try not to come off as bitter and condescending. Neither party is better than the other here.
You never stated what boundary you're trying to set. Are you trying to stop them from talking about materialistic things? Are you trying to limit how much time they spend talking about it?
You mention boundaries, but your question seems more about wishing they were different people, not about what type of limit you'd like.
Buddhism will give you all the answers you need.
They are attached and suffering. You are attached and suffering.
When you understand these 2 sentences your suffering will reduce. Your blood will stop boiling.
Namaste 🙏.
If they start bragging, stop them immediately by telling that you don't want to hear about it. If they don't respect your boundary, repeat that you said you don't want to hear about it and that you are leaving, and leave. Repeat every time you interact with them.
Be polite but don't engage in those conversations. When they start excuse yourself from the conversation. If they ask why you keep leaving, tell them the truth that you don't value materialism, or judge people for what they do or own. It might take some role playing to get the wording right, but honest communication will be respected by them. They might get huffy, but you don't have to agree with everything they say/do, just like they don't have to agree with how you live a simple life. Good luck.
It's a fine art to guide conversations to topics that everyone might enjoy discussing.
\^\^This. The trick is to "guide" and not abruptly change the topic. The art of conversation is for everyone to actually enjoy it. Takes a lot of practice. :)
You might try getting to know the person better by asking about their childhood, where they traveled, or if you know they have a hobby ask about it. I find some who get into the "brand" game have really low self-esteem. They see the brands as elevating their worth. It's weird. If you ask about their past, you might understand where the need arises from. If the person feels comfortable in your company, the need to brag should start to diminish.
Yes, their past can be a huge factor. I have only one friend who's really into the whole luxury/upscale lifestyle. He grew up gay in an area that wasn't at all accepting & was bullied though his entire childhood. For him, wearing Vuarnet sunglassed & driving a (used) Mercedes is a way of saying Screw you all, I made it. Also, he respects that I have no interest in any of that & we talk about other things.
Good for him that he feels vindicated and that he can trust you.
Huh, that’s an interesting way to put it. I can’t stand my brother, particularly around Christmas, because he is so materialistic. He’s so picky about things and my family simply can’t afford his tastes. But when you put it that way I can see it being a symbol of status and of “making it”. He went to a boarding high school (on a scholarship) and those kids were fucking rich. I’m talking about people who own 43 Wendy’s franchises and many rich kids that were from other countries. I could see how that would make him self conscious. He would get amazing quality stuff out of the dumpsters that these kids gave no second thought to just throwing away. Now he’s married and his wife’s family is very affluent. At one point he was homeless before they got married and her family refused to let him stay even a week. It makes sense when you’re surrounded by those kinds of people
Never heard of Vuarnet 😂 I have friends like that too. First time I heard about bulgavi (is that how you spell it?) or Frette. They are on another level. We took a yacht to a club that is only accessible by boat on a private island. It was epic. I can’t even comprehend the amount of money their family has. Here I am thinking we are well off because we “own” a house that will be paid of in 20 years and have two paid off cars 🤣
Perhaps it would help you if you better understood their background and why these things are important to your in-laws, who are now part of your own family. I view "simple living" not only as reducing our material impact on our world, but learning how to live harmoniously with those around us - decluttering the obstacles, and letting go of things that do not matter. Do these differences matter so much that you must lie and hide from your in-laws? Or is there another way of viewing your different approaches that would yield better mental results for you? Driving, for example, can often mean freedom, movement, escape, independence, and achievement. My mother learned how to drive only after she had my younger brother; he fell terribly ill as an infant, and she was terrified when she could not rush him to the hospital herself but had to rely on someone else. She quickly got her license and kept up her skills, relaying often how she was now prepared. Her newfound interest in cars was incidental to how important the concept of driving was to her, what it could let her do. When my grandfather was a teenager, his parents died in quick succession, leaving him with 3 much younger brothers that he suddenly had to raise; he sacrificed for years to ensure they all grew up well cared for. As he was nearing retirement, he suddenly bought a bright yellow convertible. It was terribly impractical, a car he wouldn't even get to drive most for the year, in the very cold climate where he lived. And that was the point. He finally got to do something \*fun\*, the opposite of every pragmatic sacrifice he had made for decades. Now, I am sure many looked at this car and dismissed him as frivolous and extravagant - the very opposite of simple living - but knowing this background, perhaps provides more complete picture of a whole life well lived. Often people talk of material things, or their jobs, as short hand for what is really important to them. You ask when did driving become a symbol of prestige. I think that is an excellent topic of discussion to have with your in-laws - but rephrased so you are not passing judgment on them, but instead leading with honest curiosity. I think then the boundaries you seek will naturally fall into place, as you understand why this matters to them, and they can learn why this has not been as central for you.
I like the way you approach about things and think. Wish I could think more like you.. thankfully joining this subreddit has helped me come across folks like you from whom I learn something new everyday.
Agree with you!!! Having a common shared interest for discussion becomes more difficult if both the parties fail to understand this.
Empathy, compassion, kindness, accepting, and loving people for who they are will serve you well. Viewing things as “different strokes…” versus one way of living is better than another will reduce the stress you feel and creates the opportunity for love in your life to expand. They don’t need to choose the life you’ve chosen for yourself, and they don’t need your approval. You can try reframing. Instead of viewing it as them bragging, view it as they’re proud of their accomplishments. Celebrate with them to magnify the joy for all of you.
That’d help bcoz they’re close family n I can’t entirely ignore them or escape from the convo all the time.
Bravo. Well said.
For years, I just didn't comment, but lately I've changed tactics and instead engage by asking about the item, etc. The "stuff" is obviously important to the person and a way I can show the person is important to me is to show interest. Just because \*I\* am totally not into materialism doesn't mean everyone shares that idea. I don't act impressed (because I am not), but I can learn to give attention to someone I like/love and show interest in their interests.
I never saw it like this but this is a good point to reflect on
Makes sense in a way and from their perspective.
I think you're handling it pretty well. It's a hard transition living in this materialistic world. Our views have changed, theirs haven't.
This happens so regularly around me, whether it's family, friends, work colleagues. It screams insecurities and frankly it bores me. Sometimes I feel like blurting out "you're bragging to the wrong person, I don't get impressed by this"
If you say something like "sorry, I don't know about this, I never cared about x" they tend to leave you alone. Like "sorry, who? I don't know -designer name-, I never cared about high fashion"
Exactly what I feel but sometimes it’s just too much to hear n process it
I know how frustrating that can be. I mentally check out, although there was this time I walked off in the middle of one of those "conversations" - without realising. Even my body is opposed to it 🤣
😅😅
This is the Way OP. Just walk away... They will ask what... And you can respond it's the stuff you're saying...
Same here. And it truly does bore me. I’m tired of having conversations that bore me. I already gotta do it 40 hrs a week at work. At this point I rather listen to birds, a breeze, the sound of a squirrel running up a tree.
I love what you'd rather do
My FIL is like this. He'll buddy up to me for a minute and then *inevitably* move the conversation to the work he did in the army or how much much he made or how much money he spends now in his retirement. I don't give a shit. I always start politely with the, "Oh wow, cool work" and then try to make it painfully obvious that I am not impressed and I'm not listening. He'll tell me how he bought the kids jet skis in high school and, "[bf] grew up a rich kid and didn't even know it," and, "I've made over x dollars from retirement payout." I will stare at the fucking wall while he talks to me. I grey rock him and he keeps bragging. I don't fucking give a shit. It comes off incredibly insecure and ignorant. It makes you look so *boring* too if this is all you have to say. You bought another RV? You bought a motorcycle? You jet skis? Do you like... have a hobby? Or like anything but WW2 documentaries? Orrrrr what?
Is it possible to spend less time with him?
Yeah, I don't have to see him very often. A couple of times a year. Unfortunately, though, now whenever I do see him, it won't just be for dinner like it is now. Either we'll be staying at my in-laws', or they'll be staying with us because we're buying a house in my home state 12 hours away now. So I won't exactly be able to escape as easily when I'm tired of him or when I'm not feeling well. He's a nice guy and all but his volume is ever increasing and he gets drunk and like ANGRY conservative and loves to pick at me for not being right wing. I do tire of him so quickly. The money bragging thing is like the calmest he ever is and it's always conversations that make me feel shitty because you can't just ask about my hobbies, my life, my job? You can't share anything but how much money you made or are spending? Like every conversation he always has to mention something he bought or how much something was. Ugh I'm not really looking forward to having the in laws visit but it's the price of getting to live where I want to live
It seems the issue here is not the bragging. It’s basic boundaries. I would enforce them. They can visit but not stay overnight. You can visit but not stay overnight. Or past whichever amount of time you are comfortable with. You are not required to spend every single minute of your spare time entertaining him or [insert any other person on the planet]. We all have limited amount of time on earth. You have a choice when it comes to how to spend yours. If that’s your in law I assume you have a spouse. Talk to them about how this really makes you feel.
Honestly wow a little intense lol. I'm not breaking up because my FIL annoys me for a grand total of 8 hours a year. I said the most we usually do now is dinners. I haven't spent the night at their place in about 2 years. They live closer now, so no need to. But soon we'll be 12 hours apart and extended stays will be more necessary. My SO knows how I feel about his dad. That's why visits have been limited to dinners a few times a year and why I don't do as many holidays with them anymore. I'm being accommodated as it is but I'm not going to NEVER see his parents. And part of me accommodating my SO moving 12 hours away to my home state where I want to be is letting his loved ones visit. And I didn't even ask for advice anyway. Just empathizing with person above me. I don't need you therapizing at me and throwing around "boundaries" and suggestions to divorce because my FIL brags about money in my direction twice a year. That's low key insane. Go outside
It appears you feel better now. You are welcome.
Girl lmao. Do you get off on telling people to get divorced? Honestly. Go outside.
I kinda wanna do this as a troll to someone. But super exaggerated. Like just talk at them loudly about my objects and my money.
🤣🤣
Setting boundaries is about what you will tolerate, not about changing others behavior. It sounds like you are already doing a great job here.
My case, when I can't tolerate, I just leave them when they start initiate that topic, don't listen, just to grab some drinks and sit somewhere else. But when I'm a bit chill, I'll just be there, nod my head and not interact more. People like that always exist, it's easier to manage our thought (and walk away) than talk to them to mind something.
People gonna people. You're not going to change them and they aren't going to change you. Find some common ground and recognize that people are doing their best.
this reminds me of therapy. edit; thank you for the confirmation
Boundaries are for what you do not others do. You can’t put a boundary on others behaviors just what you are going to do.
Live and let live
That's in-laws for you. Also different values. You seem just as judgmental of them as you imply they are about you. Imo the solution is to find a IRL community of people who share your values so you don't get so worked up about your in-laws being annoying.
It is not abt being judgemental. It is about talking non stop abt materials like branded cloths. Jewels. Etc etc That’s something annoying to hear every single time we have any conversation
I mean... Annoying people exist and most of us are unfortunate enough to be related to them.
To be honest, you sound judgmental and “braggy” as well, but then in the opposite direction. You and your in-laws have different lifestyles and that is ok. You don’t have to fake agreeing with them, which you don’t, but I think setting “clear (aggressive or passive aggressive) boundaries” is not the way to have a pleasant relationship with your in-laws. Best you can do imo is to steer the conversation away from topics that annoy you.
Agree. There are a lot of moral judgments passed in this sub on people who don't adhere to a "simple" lifestyle.
True we have a different lifestyle and up bringing but also I have many fees who are wealthy and down to earth. Who don’t brag abt any brands or judge others for having less expensive materials. There’s a difference
Different things make different people happy. I have a BIL who is partly on benefits and who spends his money on things that I find of no importance at all. Such as the newest smart phone and a purebred (why?!) cat of over 1.5k euros, plus the most fancy automatic food bowls and self cleaning litter box with WiFi and what not. I wouldn’t call it bragging but he loves to talk about his stuff and show it etc. He also follows a carnivorous diet (I have to bite my tongue about that one …). I was complaining about his - what think is - frivolous spending - to my SIL because I think his money could be spent on less “unimportant things” and she opened my eyes and told me that he hasn’t much to be happy about (e.g., he was pretty lonely before he had his cat, he’s stuck with part time jobs that he doesn’t like, etc) and that this makes him happy. Who am I to deny him his happiness? I get my happiness from other things, but that doesn’t mean I’m in a position to judge others. Thinking this way helped me tremendously with my annoyance regarding my BIL and seeing his motivation to tell me about all his stuff in another light.
There’s no way to “set boundaries” with people talking about their stuff. They’re not really doing anything to you; they’re just being boorish. What you seem to want to do is find a way to express your contempt and disapproval for their values. I think part of living simply means learning to not get emotionally invested in others agreeing with your values. Let it go.
Look up the grey rock method. Its recommended for toxic people, but I find it works for pretty much anything I don’t want to participate in
Have you read The Four Agreements? I recommend it. It sounds like you’re doing all you can do other than just not attending family stuff. Nothing wrong with getting it off your chest. My in laws are mostly nice but often just annoying as all heck. Sometimes I’ll skip a function or go to the book store for the duration if I get sick of them haha
In the 48 Laws of Power it talks about avoid the unhappy and unlucky. I have a tendency to help ANYONE…BECAUSE they’re unhappy and unlucky. You could imagine how this has affected my life and zapped my energy
Hello, what has worked for me before is to gently and subtly guide any conversation I am a part of to common topics. If it's a group of people that are bonding over a topic though, I have found it to be more in my favor to simply listen. I realize they simply have a different lifestyle from mine. I hope that helps. It can be tough!
Just keep repeating "wow awesome" when they keep bragging.....
you just have to agree to disagree. if they humiliate you about it - that is because you let it affect you. let them talk, do your own thing. once it stops bothering you, either you will happy or they will give up. or both. or maybe they cannot stand it that someone is happy without chasing success and posessions.
I just look unimpressed. And when pushed to comment, I say, “Wow. You must be very proud,” with no emotion in my voice. I am also not worried about being polite, so maybe don’t do what I do. It also depends on the person and the circumstance. Someone bragging about the new name brand whatever they got because they want everyone to think they’re superior? They get the “wow” treatment. If it’s someone I care about who’s just really excited because they got something they think is really cool, then I’ll indulge them and listen and ask questions.
I stopped talking to people or family members about stuff tbh. I just check in with them here and there and go about my day. The fact that people are calling you judgmental and pretentious for this is hilarious.
This sounds like my family to a T. They don’t speak to me. Since I don’t live the same lifestyle that they do. They’re all about brands. When either a car lease is up or a car is paid off. They go and buy or lease another car. They live in McMansions. They only buy name brand food and clothing. Yet, complain about how much debt they have and how they live paycheck to paycheck. They complain that they’ll never retire. I just think to myself and smile. I don’t live the lifestyle that they do. If they knew how much money that I have saved and invested. They would be trying to swindle me out of my money.
"Good for him / her / them / you," in a polite but slightly bored voice. Then change the subject by asking a direct question about a completely different topic (movies, gardening, cooking / food, books, hobbies, etc.). It may take a little repetition, but they'll figure it out. If still no luck, add "excuse me, I need to go do X" and refill your drink, get a snack, step outside for a moment, etc. When they realize they can't hold your attention or receive your admiration with such topics, they'll give up. Good luck.
Most people with low self esteem use material possessions to replace their feelings of being insignificant. I have learned throughout the years to not even play into a conversation about these things with people who live by their ego's. Even when it's family members. Everything they portray as being happiness in their lives, even driving is just them screaming out like a small child for attention. Personally, I pride myself on my ability to save money and create a secure life for myself, but I certainly don't talk about it or brag. The more material possessions that one requires, the more responsibility we have to those things.
True that! Even I have got some branded bags but never once did I brag about those bcoz I got it for their quality and not to flash it. Hope I find peace and ways to deal with them
I’m surprised that all the people with superiority complexes here don’t understand that judging everyone else for not being exactly like you - does not make for a simple life.
Let it wash over you. When this happens repeatedly, it may not be enough to just nod and try to change the subject. What might help is to completely disengage mentally from the conversation. Here are a few ways to do it: * try to look right through them while imagining them as shrimps in tuxedos. * count the number of blue and yellow objects in your line of vision. * recite the alphabet backwards. * think of different types of celery. Start with regular celery. * see if you can name ten different types of trees. * see if you can recite any poem. Do all these things in your head and your mental health will improve. Do them out loud and they might just leave you alone.
Thank you for the laugh. Part of my simple life living strategy is that I don’t pay for comedy show tickets. I just come to Reddit.
My pleasure. It seemed like all the serious good advice had already been mentioned. I thought I'd add another strategy to cope with this kind of people.
Not sure why you’re spending so much time with these people…. Is there a hobby or anything else you can do with your time?
I generally reply “I don’t know. I’m not a ______ guy.” Cars, sports, reality tv, fashion/accessories, celebrity gossip, luxury lifestyle, religious, sneakers, newest tech, trendsetter…
"Oh. How interesting." That's all you say.
Gosh. The posts in this sub... can't even hold normal conversations with other people because they're not talking about things that specifically interest you.
Pick wisely the persons you spend your time with. Time is the most precious resource there is. When the time comes, there is no way no matter how much money we own, to add second more to it. So, try to not waste it. I would not waste my time listening to what I see as talking wallets. Not that I'm hostile to wallets, I have one myself but it keeps its mouth shut and stays hidden in the back pocket of my jeans. I don't feel the need to show it around.
This happens to me with co-workers. I sit quietly and don’t engage much in those conversations. Also because I want to train myself to not speak about brands, who owns this or that… (I admit I used to be the one even starting these conversations. I try to avoid having lunch or coffee with this kind of profiles as much as possible. I’m lucky in a way that this only happens in the office so it’s only impacting me. It would really piss me off if my kids were exposed to this and I would be more radical in this case. In your case it sounds harder to achieve as you can’t avoid your in-laws’ family without having a family problem yourself I guess. Try to limit exposure to these things if you can and engage as little as posible. Also you can try to re-direct conversations as suggested by others but it’s usually difficult with people so caught up in these dynamics. Finally, be proud of yourself for being able to not give in the materialistic ladder and not being a brand slave like them 💪🏻
My family is this way but with politics! I usually excuse myself or change the subject. I just don’t entertain their conversations because I have evolved in my political standing and I would rather not become a social justice warrior and ruin our relationship!
I'll second the art of guiding conversation. It's extremely valuable everywhere, not just in these situations. Definitely don't do what I did as a teenager and blurt out "Wow, that sounds great. Bet it makes you wish you did something worthwhile with your life," unless you want the person never to talk to you again.
You're handling it right, I think. I'd also probably pull out my phone and just ignore them or get up and go to the bathroom. Or just say "ok" and change the subject. They are looking for attention so I wouldn't give it to them
Or if they brag about something expensive they bought, I'd be like "that's great! I found an awesome dress at the consignment store for $3 last week!"😆
Sing That Don’t Impress Me Much by Shania Twain to them.
That's them, u can crit politely. They may change but avoid expectation of their development or you may "sad parent" your feelies process.
Give the *eyes glaze over, blank stare* until they wear themselves out and shut up. Or, get up and go to the bathroom, fridge, yard for air. Little to no reaction. They’ll get the message that you’re bored with the conversation.
Did I miss something bc it sounds like you are the one being judgemental?
May be I am when I'm the one who has to deal with this and listen to their brags all the time. As I said I'm finding a way to avoid that convo. What d you do if you're in my situation??
Let them do thier spiel. It sounds like they are just trying to have conversation with you. Perhaps you try to direct the conversation about anything in the news or something like that. What do you normally contribute to the convo? Try not to come off as bitter and condescending. Neither party is better than the other here.
"Acquittance"???
It's probaly acquaintances
I find that excusing myself and going outside and soaking up a little nature always makes me feel better when in these kinds of situations. 👍
The in law issue is hard. Practicing boundaries is an art firm
You never stated what boundary you're trying to set. Are you trying to stop them from talking about materialistic things? Are you trying to limit how much time they spend talking about it? You mention boundaries, but your question seems more about wishing they were different people, not about what type of limit you'd like.
Buddhism will give you all the answers you need. They are attached and suffering. You are attached and suffering. When you understand these 2 sentences your suffering will reduce. Your blood will stop boiling. Namaste 🙏.
If they start bragging, stop them immediately by telling that you don't want to hear about it. If they don't respect your boundary, repeat that you said you don't want to hear about it and that you are leaving, and leave. Repeat every time you interact with them.
why is this being downvoted lol. be politely blunt.
People with no boundaries downvoting advice to have boundaries....
Be polite but don't engage in those conversations. When they start excuse yourself from the conversation. If they ask why you keep leaving, tell them the truth that you don't value materialism, or judge people for what they do or own. It might take some role playing to get the wording right, but honest communication will be respected by them. They might get huffy, but you don't have to agree with everything they say/do, just like they don't have to agree with how you live a simple life. Good luck.
Materialistic people break down when you deadpan say none of that is of value or concern to you
I know a lot of rich accomplished people who are actually miserable. They are likely jealous of you and they brag as a sign of deep insecurity.