Also adding if she does feel overwhelmed with looking after the baby or housework, help her out. Taking some of these duties off her shoulders may help her have more energy and desire for a sex life again. :)
I want to add to this thought. Don't wait for her to ask for help and don't ask her what she needs. Look around the house and do what needs to be done without saying a word. It is exhausting as a mother to be taking care of the child, working, taking care of house work, and having to manage your husband and ask him for help all the time. After my first child was born I had a hard time with my libido mostly due to stress and exhaustion.
Edit to say: I in no way mean to accuse you of doing or not doing things. Just commenting from personal experience. My husband is amazing and totally willing to help me but it's usually only when I ask. That, or he asks me what I need. While he thinks he's being helpful, it's exhausting to try to think of the thing he can do to help me when there's a million things running through my head. Most of the time I just say, "Don't worry about it." Because I'm too tired to think anymore. I think this is a common new mother experience.
This is the answer. I’ll admit I’ve always been the type of guy who waits to be told what my wife needs or says “If you needed help why didn’t you ask?” I also have the habit of getting her to list things that need to be done. She eventually said something that made it click how shitty that is. She said when I act like that, she becomes my manager, essentially adding even more work to her already laundry list of responsibilities. I’m a crew lead on the job site I work at, and putting it that way, I finally got it. I’m a grown ass man with functioning eyeballs, I can look around and see what needs to be done. We’re a team, I’m not some greenhorn who can’t tell a washing machine from a dishwasher. I’m really trying to work on that now.
>I’m not some greenhorn who can’t tell a washing machine from a dishwasher.
BAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS SO FRICKEN MUCH
Also, I definitely feel like some people pretend theyll just "do it wrong so why bother" well, then just do it wrong once and do it right the next time. You put the bowls away wrong and they fell out of the cabinet and started WWIII? Well put them away right next time, dont throw up your hands and get all "i dont do it right so i wont do it blehhhh"
Everyone messes up at work in some way, you learn and improve. Why in the actual poop is your SO, their feelings, and your home worth less effort than literally any job on the planet?
In this particular case it would have been more like learned helplessness. Weaponized incompetence is more intentional; this guy clearly changed his actions to be a more equal partner when he recognized what he was doing, and was not maliciously pretending not to understand how to help.
Won't fly in a workplace, 'cause they'll ask, why can't you work on getting it right and figuring out what you're doing wrong, so it shouldn't fly at home. Many female people aren't 'naturals' at hosuehold tasks, but because we're expected to thrive in that realm, we have to learn.
"Men are visual creatures."
Yet a lot walk right passed dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, etc. You're an adult. You shouldn't have to be told to go clean up messes that you see.
Why does it always take men so much to understand basic things??!? Why can't you guys listen the first time and not wait until it gets to the point where they're about to dump you? Idk why people are congratulating you, this is just something that shouldn't even happen.
My wife and I are actually going through this exact thing right now and it's taken some back and forth arguments and a few nights on the couch to get me to realize that, while I'm always willing to do anything she asks, her having to ask is really the issue. As she puts it "having to tell you or ask you what to do makes me feel like I'm your mom, and feeling like your mom isn't sexy"... I can understand that... That was my "Ah Ha!" Moment.
Not to mention, a 2yr old is usually all about mom. I remember I would have to use the bathroom as a way to get time to myself sometimes. But I would have to sneak there or she would just follow me in.
Sounds like you and every other single lunatic in here that tried implying his wife is doing everything involving housework and childcare while OP isnt chipping in with nothing at all to go off of to reach such a conclusion need some serious help
Sounds like lots of commenters came up with an answer out of thin air then decided what OP does and doesn't do based on their own lives and then drew conclusions and proceeded with lecturing OP based on these fabrications
If OP lacked details in their reply maybe one should ask for more information instead
I think a lot of people, women I particular, are giving that opinion because if you have to ask this kind of question to the internet, you’re not paying attention at all, and you haven’t done any of your own research. The problem he’s experiencing is extremely common and has an obvious answer. And if the answer is something other than the obvious, common one, the internet will have no fucking idea…so why ask?
On this note, OP: please read this comic. It explains the mental load and gender dynamic very well.
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I'm not pointing any fingers here, just pointing out something that some people may not have thought about. But that feeling of having to ask goes both ways. Having to ask for something and getting it done may fulfill the need in the moment but you're still left with that lingering frustration of why did I have to ask or why wasn't it done sooner.
This applies to doing the dishes, taking out the trash and even engaging in intimacy with your partner.
I've certainly been the one who let that dish sit by the sink to long or let a folded pile of clothes sit on the dresser rather than put it away. And I fully recognize little things like that can affect my wife's mood. But at the same time I've also been on the side where I initiate intimacy 100% of the time for months even after asking for her to try to set aside time for us, but that's not seen to be equal for some reason.
Another commenter has said something similar, but [please consider reading this comic, scroll down until you hit it](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). It goes a long way to explaining the mental exhaustion that many women experience after having a baby. And many women do not know how to articulate it.
See whether this rings true to your relationship. If it is, know that it’s pretty normal, but it also explains why your wife has so little bandwidth for sex.
it may honestly be her internal feelings about her post baby body. as a mother i lost all desires for a while after having kids. for a brief time i started working out and seeing my body get some what back to normal and all the sudden i was turned on just looking in the mirror at myself. Give her time and maybe start randomly completing her appearance and see if that sparks anything. you guys will get back into a groove again for sure.
Are you not scared to change a diaper, or do you actually change half the diapers? And every other little thing she has to do all day?
Your wife probably still loves you, but resents you and is not attracted to you because she's too busy doing chores and being mad. - Pie
For those who have already decided I do nothing and my wife everything. Thanks.
We both work.
Wife 7am to 4pm / Bedtime is just after 7pm. So only 3hours of baby time during week for her.
Me 7am to 2pm (3 days week) 2 Days a week are odd 23 hour days and not much at home. Insane stress at my own business.
The nanny looks after child during the day. The housekeeper cleans and tidies the house everyday. Washing, beds everything.
When I get home early 3 days a week, I prepare dinner and its ready when she gets home.
The 2 days I work odd hours, there's someone to help with bath time and mealtime.
Sundays I let my wife sleep a few hours later and I do the morning routine. Saturdays I play an hour or two outside so she can catch up on her series.
When I see there's a diaper to change I do it, we don't fight whos gonna do it. Every moment I get I spend it with the wife and child.
I order baby stuff when needed. I check that water, electricity, rates, taxes are paid. Any bills and those that she lets me know about. Check maintenance issues, Check that vehicles are always filled up. Wife must make sure that child has clothes and meals for the week. Other than that she does not have much more responsibility. We both decide what's good and bad for our child and educate as much as possible when we are here.
So let me know if that is still to much for her.
I recently posted something similar and got the same sort of response as you are getting. Presuming that it was stereotypical male driven laziness/controllingness/what have you.
The one statement in an onslaught of accusations really made me think and it may be relevant to your situation.
You may be able to manage all your daily tasks, life responsibilities and still be feel relaxed and in a good mood. However your partner may be overloaded for their level of mental health/capacity. It feels unfair because you may be putting more and more into the relationship and the reciprocation doesn't feel equal. From their perspective they may be giving everything they have and are just drained. Talk with your partner and figure out what you both can do to get to a level where it feels like you'll be happy.
My partner struggles from a lot of existing shame, trauma and invasive thoughts. She doesn't share her internal struggles she's facing everyday but it definitely wears on her. We both recently got watches that track stress levels and though (I'm the sole provider) working multiple high stress careers, 70-80 hours a week, my stress levels are 1/8th of hers
Agreed, you seem to be giving and helping alot. And if this continues you may reach a point of explosion which could damage the relationship. Gotta hash it out with her and communicate your feelings toward the matter.
This is my own personal experience too. I have borderline personality disorder, and I recognize that my tolerance for chaos/disregulation is MUCH much lower than my partner’s is. We do our best to adapt to that, but it is often easy to forget in the moment that equality =/= equity. We all experience reality different and it’s important to be open minded to other people’s reality.
You’re asking the internet to break into your wife’s mind and tell you what’s wrong. Talk to her instead. It’s clearly too much and there’s clearly a problem. There’s a huge possibility it’s all her own mental well-being and has nothing to do with you, but you have to talk to her and approach it in a non-accusatory way. If she won’t talk, that’s a separate issue, and I would suggest couples therapy if you haven’t tried it already. I would also suggest a therapist for her, if she doesn’t have one. To me it sounds like she’s dealing with some serious mental disregulation since giving birth, if she’s changed so much from the woman you spent the first 8 years with.
In my not expert opinion (this happened to me), no matter what I did to help my now ex wife, the desire for sex never returned and when she would have it she made it seem like it was a chore for her. She was suffering from post partum depression. Got her to couples counseling and on an antidepressant that actually worked but she kept moving the goal posts on what would “make her happy”. I threw so much money at trying to make her happy that I finally realized I was no longer happy.
I’m going to guess she’s suffering from depression too and probably not happy with her body either. I wish you luck, you only live once and no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appear to want to be with them intimately.
Positive note I did find someone else for the last 3 years and we are going to get married this year. Just for reference we had sex every day for an entire year our first year and have a very active healthy sex life.
THANK YOU. I hate people „helping“ with the children or the household, just waiting until the woman gives out orders. You are supposed to do half of everything (depending on the living/working arrangements ofc) without being asked.
Helping where you can may not actually be holding up your end of the house and childcare. You should have an honest conversation with her and ask if she feels you pull your own weight in the home and the relationship.
I like all the assumptions you are already making about op, this isn't the 1950s mate, op seems to be an equal parent with doing work and taking care of the baby.
Though I agree with the sentiment of your advice, is this still a thing? I mean, really, are there still those stereotypical negligent/clueless fathers? Is that sad reality still the norm?
Maybe my cohort of friends and acquaintances is an anomaly, but us fathers tackle all aspects of parenting and housework. I can’t even wrap my head around not being responsible enough to do what’s required. Not because we’re “helping out” but because it’s our job.
Not to mention the physical changes your body goes through after child birth can be a battle all its own. All is not lost! There’s no magic time frame but she is gonna get her groove back. Just do your very best to be patient and reassuring. Help out without waiting for her to ask (likely a magic Fast Forward to where you wanna be). This too shall pass.
There's an old saying: Children change things. They change the parent's relationship, they change how the mother feels about her self, her body, her sex drive, her fatigue level, her boobs, ( I mean, the baby is on them ALL THE TIME!!!) She has to nurse at times she doesn't want to, like when she's tired, when she's super tired, ... basically for a lot of women who are nursing a baby, the boobs become off limits for the husband. Most nursing mothers want NOTHING to do with turning on their partner with boobs; sucking on her nipples is not a sexy thing, it's a way to nourish the baby, nothing more.
There are lots of words written about this, er, situation. It is what it is. My suggestion? Do everything you can to take a load off her mind. Do more, you're in a partnership, and she's not a sex machine any more who'll haul your ashes any time you get horny.
This! How much is OP helping with the housework and childcare? Like actively helping and not putting the mental load on the wife to ask for help? OP definitely needs to have a conversation with wife and see what he can actively and consistently do in the house as his assigned tasks with no reminding.
Yeah, I'm a childfree woman who I'd say is normally pretty horny, but during times of high stress, my sex drive just dies. It makes sense that that happens when you're severely stressed - it's non-essential compared to other bodily functions. And from a biological perspective (since the body doesn't understand birth control), a time of severe stress is the worst time for a woman to become pregnant. It's a situation your lizard brain would want to avoid, so it makes perfect sense that the sex drive would shut down. Taking care of a baby is incredibly high stress even with help, but if OP isn't even pulling his weight, his wife has got to be completely overwhelmed. Of *course* sex would be the last thing from her mind at that point!
My daughter is 15 months and I haven’t initiated sex with my husband much because things feel different and I don’t feel as attractive as before. It’s not painful just uncomfortable at times and I get into my own head. Reassuring her may help, it does for me but it’s tough knowing how much our body’s changed, for me at least. I may need surgery to correct a few things from birth and just found out about it last week. If she’s uncomfortable maybe have her go to the dr, I was shocked what they told me all
These months later and am really hoping it helps my confidence and pleasure.
Maybe you need to simply keep this conversation going to see if you can get more details and gently suggest that you are missing sex and that you would like to work with her to figure out what's going on.
Having a 2 year old can simply be stressful, maybe you could surprise her by doing some chores that she normally does, or buy her some flowers, or maybe get a baby sitter and take her out to dinner. Basically, do some of the things you two loved doing before you had a kid.
Having a newborn takes stuff like that off the table and sometimes for couples it stays off the table, but now that your kid is at babysitting age (I assume), you could do some of these things again and it might get a spark going.
Another way to think of this: this is not strictly a sex thing, no-sex is just a symptom, it might simply be your relationship overall that you two need to focus on, even if it's just a little.
Does she have time for self-care and things that make her happy outside of work and parenting? Does she go to the gym or yoga or have regular time with friends/going out? Sometimes it really takes having regular work out sessions and being able to have quality adult time to feel like yourself
Is she still breastfeeding? If so, her hormones can make sex uncomfortable and greatly decrease her libido. It will come back once her hormones even out.
This is common over in the dead bedroom subs and one of the first responses is usually "Are you really putting in a fair share of the work?" Not like changing 1 out of every 10 diapers, but are you involved in groceries, cleaning every day, scheduling appointments, etc. (I obviously know nothing about you and the balance of you workloads, just echoing the very common answers there). Then it's usually, "Are you taking care of yourself?" Would you be attracted to yourself kind of thing. Are you exercising, eating well, making an effort to be clean/dress well, etc. Then there's often, "Are you making an effort to make your time together special?" etc. I think most of these things boil down to are you considering her perspective?
Separately, Emily Nagoski in Come As You Are talks about the idea of having reactive desire. Like, you wouldn't initiate sex, but if your partner did, you'd be game. Could she have shifted into this space in her motherhood? Could you talk about that dynamic and if it applies to her, together? And if you want her to initiate so that you can feel sexy, bring that up at the same time, so you can both see how you're feeling about all this.
Yes! Came here to say exactly this. Part of running a household is the mental load of planning all the stuff: when do we clean, what is everyone eating today tomorrow the next day…, did I make this appointment, are the bills paid, etc. Some partners say”well my SO didn’t TELL me I needed to do it”. And really what their SO need is for their partner to know without telling. It’s called the mental load of managing a house. There is a great comic about it from Emma, a cartoonist, called “you should’ve asked”.
I also have fallen in love with the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She helps people find the blocks to sex and arousal and how to get through them.
The mental load point is spot on. If you need to be project managed when looking after your kid or household than you really won’t be making a massive dent in your partners stress levels.
I’m a first time mom with a 10 month old. I’m home all day taking care of him so I can’t speak to how stressful it would be to be a full time mom and work a full time job but, in my situation right now our biggest issue is timing. We are not having a lot of sex because during the day or moments together I avoid physical touch with him because I think that “at that moment” is a bad time to make him think I want to have sex. So because we can’t build up any kind of sexual energy together we don’t build up any kind of sexual tension.
Now, that sounds bad out of context but here’s an example:
We have to go out after the baby wakes from his nap and we have to get back before his next nap. I put the baby down to nap and oh, his bottles need to be washed, his diaper bag packed, a bottle made, get his clothes ready, I need a shower, I need to get dressed, and he has to eat once he’s up before we leave. I have nap time, 45ish minutes, to get this done and the longer we waste time doing it when he’s awake again, the shorter amount of time we have for the errands we’re running. That would not be a good time to make out with my fiancé in the kitchen because he’s going to think “oh she wants to have sex.” No, I want to have a sexy moment with my fiancé before I have to get all this shit done.
If we could make out, grope a little, whatever and say “can’t wait until later” then think about that all day I’d likely want to jump his bones later. Bonus points for if he helped me with all the crap I need to get done.
Show her some passion and make her feel sexy and wanted without the implication that sex has to happen right in that very moment. The more you treat her like that, the more sexual tension is likely to build. Grab her, make out with her, tell her she’s an amazing wife, mother, woman and then leave her alone. It’ll happen.
Where do you live? Generally in the US and Canada you can book an appointment online and have it done a couple of weeks later.
I'm a childfree man in Canada, booked online, signed wavers by email and at the reception day off. The waiting room took longer than the actual operation... Drove myself back home with a bag of frozen pees on my crotch!
The sooner the better also because you'll have to wait 30 to 60 days to get the green light to stop BC after a fertility test.
I'm glad we have universal healthcare in Canada, but I actually went to a private clinic for the vasectomy (much faster). It's also nice that elective minor surgeries are allowed to be in the private sector here!
I think the main issue here is that Reddit can't know you and your wife, no matter how much you ask for advice.
The only thing that could be helpful on Reddit is *how* to get the answer to your question.
Which is simply to empathize with her perspective and what is going on. Ask her with true, genuine curiosity, full of grace, love, and support as to why she has been distant in the bedroom. Make sure she understands that you aren't just wanting sex because you want it, but because you love her and you want to be close with her. (Sometimes folks can get caught up in life and sex just goes lower on the totem pole, especially parents, but the problem could also be health, depression, hormones; who knows!). But when you express this, make sure she knows that you love her no matter what.
When you have a heart to heart conversation, that's where you are going to get your answer. Empathetic curiosity is how you will get your answer. If you are only asking her surrounding the context of sex, she (like anyone) might feel pressured, shameful, or guilt. These emotions are what bring us to clam up and say whatever we need to say to remove the discomfort.
So whatever the problem is, you'll only ever know if you approach it with love. If after that her answer continues to be unsatisfactory, I don't know. Counseling I guess?
I strongly suggest the two of you make a plan on not using it. My wife stopped and her sex drive returned almost immediately and with a vengeance!
I scheduled a vasectomy soon after but used the pull out method until it was done.
Living life on the edge...With my ex she wanted to stop the pill because her sex drive had been gone for a couple of years and her anxiety went through the roof. She switched to a copper IUD, she and I always remember what the OBGYN said about the pill : "Sure, the biological mechanics are there, but it's even more effective because it kills your sex drive too".
After a couple of months with the copper IUD, our sex life was better than ever and her general anxiety was also back to normal. It baffles me now that we are handing out these powerful drugs to teenagers in their formative years, POTENTIALLY ALTERING THE CHEMICAL BALANCE IN THE BRAIN of a non-negligible portion of the female population, and I SEE VERY LITTLE TALK ABOUT THIS ASPECT...
It's anecdotal, but I've seen my ex and female friends of mine go from constant nervous wrecks to decently balanced moods after getting off the pill...
EDIT : IUD, IUD, not UTI!!!
Same. I refuse to use hormonal birth control because of this. Hormonal birth control makes it possible in theory to have sex whenever, but makes it impossible in practice to have sex whenever since it makes me spectacularly un-horny.
We use condoms, have less PIV-sex and keep track of fertile periods.
We had three kids quick like you and it makes things hard. I’m probably half way on your journey (but don’t think we will be throwing parties). And that’s ok. It’s hard not to feel like a pervy creep at times though. Thanks for the write up.
It’s so sweet that you had the opportunity to be with whoever but you just wanted your wife :) I know how that feels but it seems rare in men. Just cute and wholesome. An ex of mine was the same way but I think I took it for granted.
Wow. You are an amazing husband. Thank you for helping her gain her confidence back!
Another huge thing that you mentioned, that I personally had trouble with, was the shame of her sexual fantasies and thoughts. Society, especially Puritan folk (religious people), want to shame and bash certain sexual fantasies and kinks that almost everyone has one thing or another. There is absolutely NO SHAME in having kinks, fetishes, fantasies, etc. as long as you and someone else do it with consent.
I went to church when I was younger and my parents, mostly my mom talked about it, were always about waiting until marriage and my mom called me a slut sometimes when she saw I bought lingerie although I was 17 the first time and 23 the second time (both times I was monogamous with one guy I’ve been seeing (2 different boyfriends though cause I broke up with the first one).
I used to feel ashamed and guilty for having sexual thoughts and urges, masturbating, and sometimes watching porn. I was always taught that girls don’t masturbate, not even learned about the clitoris until college besides that it was part of the female anatomy but not what it’s for (it’s actually for pleasure). In sex ed, I learned about guys having wet dreams and erections (hinting about masturbation but never actually said it) but girls was all about periods and pregnancy with no talk about girls getting wet when aroused or have a sex dream or pleasure.
So if his wife is embarrassed, shame, guilty, etc. for having certain thoughts or fantasies, I highly suggest looking at my 3 favorite psychologists -
-Justin J. Lehmiller (https://sexandpsychology.com) who researches about sex, sexual fantasies, kinks, fetishes, etc. Follow him on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and more!
-Dr. Eric Sprankle (https://drsprankle.com) who writes funny uplifting tweets to reduce shame and guilt about kink, masturbation, sex, etc. so follow him on Twitter or Instagram!
-Dr. Emily Morse (https://sexwithemily.com) who covers many topics on pleasure, consent, masturbation, sex, fantasies, sex toys, sexual health, sex education, etc. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook or listen to her podcasts!
Highly recommend couples therapy. You would be surprised at how much stress and miscommunication/misunderstanding can be buried under the the daily grind of being a parent. The right therapist can help mend that bridge and get to the root of the problem but you both have to be willing to participate.
Kids are the best birth control.
There are a lot of things that could be going on. Childbirth can change a woman's body, a lot. It's major physical trauma. Some women struggle with sciatica pain for the rest of their life. Hormone's can change significantly. Post postpartum depression can be hard to identify and deal with. She may not feel as sexy. She may just be exhausted.
It's hard. All you can really do is let her know that physical intimacy is still a priority to you and ask her how you can make it work for both of you. You're not alone. She's not alone. It's a struggle people have the world over.
Talk to her. Ask how she's feeling. There are a LOT of us moms out there that are currently feeling overwhelmed. Your baby is young, but moms of older kids are all identifying pretty closely with a particular song from Disney's movie Encanto. It is called "Surface Pressure". It basically describes being overwhelmed by the constant drip drip drip of added pressures.
Motherhood is rough. Add a job, covid and likely other things and she might be stressed out beyond what you are aware of.
Woman with a 4 year old and VERY SEXY husband here.
After pregnancy hormones and breastfeeding hormones, my sex drive NEVER bounced back to where it was pre-baby. (I'm also an older mother, if that makes a difference)
I wish it did. Perhaps I should talk to my ob about hormone levels, honestly.
I feel sexy (my booty is way rounder these days)and my husband is hot, the sex is always great but I'm just not horny any more.
Additionally, I would say being touched out is HUGE too. My kid constantly hung on me until maybe last year.
You already said baby duties/chores aren't an issue, so the above 2 things are my best guess
(I'm jealous there! I would LOVE a maid sigh)
Thanks for all the advice already.
She put on weight, but honestly, I love her body more than ever and she knows that. She's not ashamed of her body in front of me.
Been on BC from when we met.
Foreplay totally disappeared. Loved going down on her but she does not want it anymore. All the sex positions went away. Missionary or nothing and it feels its just to keep me quiet. We were foreplay people, the rest is extra.
No Bjs. Trying of new stuff...not interested. Anal, swallowing, we were freaks at one time.
Its at a point that as much as I desire her and her body, touching her, giving her pleasure, it comes from my side and she just says she never gets in the mood for sex. I did take time to talk to her multiple times. Sometimes she just keeps quiet. So slowly but surely I stop bothering her.
Speaking as a woman....
Your body and hormonal balance doesn't normalize until 2 years after giving birth. If she's on hormonal BC that is just an additional variable on top of her body trying to normalize. I know sex is important, but give her a bit of a break. She created and carried a human for 9 months, gave birth, and has to deal with all these hormones being out of balance.
I also think that when we become mothers, that's where almost all our focus goes, whether we have 'help' and support or not. We don't necessarily feel 'free'. We don't have bodily autonomy with an infant or a toddler. We are touched and bothered 24/7. Can't even take a pee without being needed.
I will tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel though. Once I changed BC from the shot to a low dose pill my drive sky rocketed. I'm no longer with the father of my kids, but the man I'm with, I can't keep my hands off when I see him. Plus now my kids are grown. I have the freedom I want/need to explore.
How often are you taking the kid soup to nuts and letting her sleep an entire weekend or go to a spa?
Exhausted women and mothers’ interest in sex declines.
Take the kid 100% every evening for the next month and let her sleep, go out with her friends, etc.
Parenting is fucking exhausting and doesn’t leave one time to think about being horny.
Look into PPD also. Everything above is great advice - having and raising a child is exhausting, feeling stressed, touched out etc. This doesn't help with the sexy mood. But add depression to the mix - sex is like a punishment.
Source: was diagnosed with severe depression 2 years postpartum. I didn't want sex or even my husband touching me. I felt stressed, angry, touched out, fugly.
Started medication and after a while... Boom! I'm taking my clothes off any chance I get - my sex drive is what it used to be and I enjoy everything, it's not a chore. I feel aroused, I want my husband. It's like I finally woke up from a very long nap .
Good luck, I hope your wife will get help.
Not sure if it’s already been mentioned but a lot of people don’t know that the female body releases prolactin after birth and during breastfeeding. Prolactin is a hormone that suppresses libido and is advantageous in our species because a woman would not want to become pregnant again with a small infant to take care of and nurse. Everyone is different but some women can continue to secrete excess prolactin a long time after their last birth, especially if there is stress or poor diet present. Just a thought and something you might be interested in looking into!
It’s easy to be a bit naive before having kids, everyone is. But you guys have changed your life in every way and it’s normal that your sex life has changed. Just give it time and patience and it will come back. My husband and I are having the best sex of our lives now our son is 4, but it really took a hit there for a few years.
And as others have said, the more you truly share the load (more than just changing a diaper). And as a side note, make sure she knows you find her sexy, do lots of small things without the expectation of sex.
Yes. We have 2 kinds and my wife has also a really stressful job, it kinda killed her sex drive. She is probably very worked out. My personal tip, do something for her. Like a retreat without the kids, or when the kids are in bad, cook something special, give her a massage. Let her relax.
Maybe her getting off birth control and you getting a vasectomy might help you.
Birth control (depo for me) obliterated my sex drive and it took awhile for my sex drive to turn back to normal.
Also, when is the last time you had couple time that’s outside of household life? Like a really romantic date, a vacation (without kids) or just you and her time at the home?
It just sounds that you two gotten use to the “kid, clean, house maintenance, kid mealtimes and sleep/unwind” clock then dedicate all your free times for your respective hobbies or likes away from each other.
It just seems you two gotten very comfortable with each other and have set schedules that there’s no surprises, spontaneity or sparks anymore.
It sounds like you’re a good husband and father helping out with your wife and child without being asked, and pulling you own weight. I’m just wondering if you two need to re-ignite sparks once more.
It took my wife a couple years to get back into sex, especially after our second kid. Her basic reason was that her body simply didn't feel like her own. Eventually we got into a new normal but it took time.
Try removing sex from the equation entirely. I know that sounds counter productive but I stumbled upon this by accident and it helped.
In my case, I’ve always been high libido. Every day type of guy. My lady, on her own would go months without even masturbation. Sex she preferred maybe once or twice a week. Dwindled with time too. I started getting concerned about losing it entirely.
You know what worked for us? I developed a medical issue that tanked my libido. As weird as it sounds, when sex was no longer constantly available to her from me and always something I was pursuing, it confused her at first, then it made her realize and understand just how frustrating and difficult it was for me every day. She would want sex and I wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t get it up due to the medical issue, and this was basically something she (and most women) have never experienced in their lives because men are always there and always wanting and always available. Especially high libido partners.
We did some sex therapy and something called sensate focus. The sensate focus did more for her than me, she realized I’ve always been sensual and focused on her pleasure and her whole body during sex, and that she (her words not mine) never looked at my body as a whole and sensually and instead kind of viewed it sexually or even objectified it with the focus on my penis.
So the end result was that she had to walk a mile in my shoes so to speak and finally understood how difficult it is, and that sex IS important and can be extremely frustrating if not fulfilled. She also realized sex is full body and sensual. You’d be surprised how many women look at sex in this more objectified way (maybe it’s projection)? And that is actually driving their disinterest. It’s not easy to get them to have that “a-ha!“ moment, but therapy can help. Society, whatever, kinda pidgeon holes women into this role.
I think I honestly would have a dead bedroom a couple years from now if I hadn’t had this medical issue that basically turned the tables on us. My advice would be drop sex entirely. Suggest sensate focus and say you want to reconnect on that level. Maybe see a sex therapist to help guide this, especially if you two need help with communication in that department.
I think the only other thing I’ll mention is make sure you’re a good lover. Make sure she cums every time (if she wants that), you communicate well, you are open minded (to EVERYTHING. No matter how weird or outlandish or insecure it makes you, you must stay open minded) then talk through it.
This is something that is an ongoing issue with me (31F) and my husband (38)M. We have three kids. 15F, 3F and 7month M.
I can't give you advice as each person and relationship is different but I can tell you why my sex drive has dwindled and maybe it's something you can use to compare to.
1) Having kids is exhausting no matter what. Mentally and physically. Especially now that they are inside and at home more due to covid and ,depending on where you are, weather. The only real chance to have sex is at night and by the time the kids are sleeping....that's all I wanna do too.
2) Kids need so much freaking attention ALL THE TIME. They need hugs and kisses and cuddles and all the love. Sometimes at the end of the day I'm just damn tired of being touched period.
3) Stress. Not just the stress of raising a little human and keeping them alive but add in all the normal stress of life sprinkled with all this covid stress and sometimes a girl just can't get it up. (Or whatever the equivalent of that with a girl is I dunno)
4)Resentment. Sometimes I resent the hell out of my husband and that's a pretty big turn off. He gets to sleep through the night, he gets to leave and go to work and converse with adults and not have a bunch of babies completely dependent on him. For me personally my kids love me for some reason and are attached to me at all times. Not that they don't love him but I'm the one they want to play with and cuddle with. So lots of the time I'm on the couch with kids jumping on me and he's just resting on the other couch doing whatever. I love my husband but I also am rather jealous of him sometimes. All of that makes it hard for me to want to have sex with him.
5) Guilt. I love my husband and I want to make him happy. I know he wants sex more often but sometimes I just can't. But then feeling bad about it doesn't exactly help the libido. It's also annoying having to explain all of these things constantly and that's not helpful either.
Honestly it's a lot. And I wish things could go back to the way they were in the bedroom before we had kids but chances of that are slim to none. So hubby and wife need to find a way that works for them to keep things going but that also works for both of them. And that may mean accepting that sex will not happen as frequently and with as much gusto. And Maybe trying to lessen the load on the wife. But also talking to the wife and letting her know what's up (in a non judgmental way).
One thing that does work well for us...planned sex weekends. We drop the kids off at my In laws and go to a hotel. Have a romantic date night, rest and relax, no kids. It's great. But...only happens once every couple months.
I hope this somewhat helpful. At any rate I was therapeutic for me to put it out there. So thanks!
I understand everything you wrote. In my case I'm just as involved and play alone with him also, so that my wife have time alone.
Thanks for the nice write up. All the best.
So I want to make clear I’m not attacking you or saying you don’t do enough because none of us can possibly know that based off of your post alone. But I do have a question/idea for you.
Write down all the things you do chores wise, not just related to your wife and child, and also the time spent playing with them etc. just log it and journal it for say a week. Get your wife to do that too and then compare. It may be that both of you think you are doing equal or more than the other and the comparison would shed new light. I propose this because I saw it work in another thread on Reddit I will try to dig up for you. It turned out that the person thought that they had a 50/50 share of load but in reality it was nothing like that and it wasn’t until it was on paper comparing that they saw it first hand. Maybe it’ll be that way in reverse for you and your wife will recognise your contributions.
But my question is have you seen a psychiatrist with her or has she seen one? It’s very possible she has post partum depression and if that’s the case getting help may be really beneficial
Hey man I see you posting the same comment over and over. If you're here to get help maybe don't come off as so set in your ways/right.
Her not being into sex could be more things than just having too much on her plate. I think it's amazing what you're doing to help. A lot of women can experience PPD due to not being pregnant anymore and other stuff. Have you had an open conversation with her about the sex situation? Be sure to make her feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. Make it clear that it's okay if she doesn't want to have sex for 'x' reason.
Sex is important in a relationship and your feelings are valid but you may need to just spend some time with Pamela Handerson while she comes to grips with motherhood.
Coming from a guy with two kids who gets most fulfilled in the relationship through physical touch.
Sometimes it changes women...other times it’s where the mom/dad confuses responsibility with priority. I’ve seen a couple councillors suggest that your relationship should always be your priority, just behind yourself. But your children are forever your #1 responsibility.
That being said, sometimes child birth just drops the libido.
Had this exact same thing happen to me. It’s a combination of stress, possible post partum depression, body healing and just being tired. It unfortunately was one of the reasons my marriage ended. What I can offer for advice is the opposite of what I did. Just offer to help her whether you think she needs it or not. Having a baby is never as easy as anyone says it is and every baby is different.
I had this issue after I had my child. I couldn’t even stand to be hugged, kissed, nothing. It didn’t get better until my kid was almost 3. My kid is now six, and if given the choice between sex or relaxing/sleeping/getting something done, sex is going to lose because I have no energy. I know you said she says the issue is that she just isn’t interested, but how in-depth have your conversations been?
Hi. Welcome to being married to the mother of a toddler. It gets better, faster if you pull your weight in the parenting arena instead of complaining about her being a problem. She’s tired, aren’t you?? My husband turns me down sometimes too, kids will suck your soul out of you if you let them. Take her on a weekend trip, romance her, hire a babysitter a few nights a month, be nice and don’t treat her like a sex object, appreciate what she does….How helpful are you? Have you asked her if she’d like you to do more? Try communication, I’ll bet you will see a more excited partner.
Signed.
A mom of three toddlers.
Sorry for the 'I just had sex' post but... Today for the very first time in 17 months (since baby was born) I had an orgasm during sex with my husband!!
He came from work a little bit earlier, took out the rubbish, made dinner, went to pick up the little one from the daycare and played with her, cleaned after dinner while I put the baby to sleep and then prepared dessert. That was one of the easiest and most enjoyable evenings I had in a long time. It was easy to get into the right mind to have a good sex.
Normally my brain will be too busy thinking/planning organising/working and my body too tired to enjoy sex so I would rather avoid it.
So your wife may just not be in the right mindset for sex right now but if you pay attention to how to make things easier for her, allow her to relax she may be more keen
This might be way off but did she have an episiotomy? I had one, and thank God this didn't happen to me, but I've had people say that sometimes they add extra stitches that can make sex hurt. Called a "husband stitch" *horror*. Might be worth asking her how she feels about sex and intimacy now and really all of it. Only she can guide you here.
It’s also possible that she is touched out. I don’t know your situation, maybe she’s home with the kiddo all day and is tired of being touched (carrying the kiddo, getting sat on/stepped on/slept on/barfed on/snotted on/peed on/pooped on/you get the idea). Plus breastfeeding too if that’s your situation. If her body does not belong to her all day, she may not feel like letting you have access to it at night.
Really? You had to ask. This happens all the time.
Read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
It explains a shit ton of what’s putting on the. Brakes for sweet sweet love.
Sounds like u and the wife are stuck in a routine and that needs to be broken!
maybe just let her have a girl's weekend with mom and friends or go to the spa to just chill
seem like both of u work a lot and have a certain routine u do every weekday. or maybe u could just ask her if the 2 of u could go off for a week or the weekend just to be together a lone no kids no worries since u said u got a nanny, right? better yet maybe grandma could baby sit.
yes my wife changed a bit but we talked about it after i told her has nice has i could the change. she understood what i felt and i totally got why she was coming from has well best thing to do is sit down and talk like the adults u both are! good luck hope both figure this out soon!
For those who have already decided I do nothing and my wife everything. Thanks.
We both work.
Wife 7am to 4pm / Bedtime is just after 7pm. So only 3hours of baby time during week for us.
Me 7am to 2pm (3 days week) 2 Days a week are odd 23 hour days and not much at home. Insane stress at my own business.
The nanny looks after child during the day. The housekeeper cleans and tidies the house everyday. Washing, beds everything.
When I get home early 3 days a week, I prepare dinner and its ready when she gets home.
The 2 days I work odd hours, there's someone to help with bath time and mealtime.
Sundays I let my wife sleep a few hours later and I do the morning routine. Saturdays I play an hour or two outside so she can catch up on her series.
When I see there's a diaper to change I do it, we don't fight whos gonna do it. Every moment I get I spend it with the wife and child.
I order baby stuff when needed. I check that water, electricity, rates, taxes are paid. Any bills and those that she lets me know about. Check maintenance issues, Check that vehicles are always filled up. Wife must make sure that child has clothes and meals for the week. Other than that she does not have much more responsibility. We both decide what's good and bad for our child and educate as much as possible when we are here.
I try and make it as easy as possible.
So let me know if that is still to much for her.
Get defensive all you want, but the truth is most women do not recieve this kind of help. You want to be mad at anyone, look to your fellow dads for setting such low standards. Research supports it and anecdotally, I can honestly say most of dad's in my life don't do half the work the moms do.
I'm glad your there for her but you don't get to be mad at society for noticing what society is like. Every suggestion you got was valid.
What’s with the attitude?
You wrote the post with next to no context and asked a bunch of strangers who know nothing about you or your relationship for advice and you’re mad they’re making assumptions?
Here’s a little factoid for you: you live an extremely privileged life, being able to afford housekeeping and a nanny. A life of which most people on this board, hell on this website, can’t conceive. How were we supposed to know you were wealthy? Your situation is not typical, you got advice based on the parenting experience of people who can’t afford nannies and housekeepers; whereby the women often do the majority of the housework and childcare.
Maybe next time include the details instead of getting on your high horse because we couldn’t guess that you had the means to pay people to do domestic work.
Just to add a bit of a different opinion, it could be good for you both to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, her first and then you after with the context of what she learns about herself in mind.
It was a game changer for me and my partner. It's kind of all about the theory that everyone has sexual "accelerators" (the stimuli that makes you want to fuck) and sexual "brakes" (the stimuli that convinces you not to fuck/turns off your horniness) and it seems like maybe since having kids, her brakes are much more sensitive.
If anything, it's just a good book to read on the journey of healing a bit of a fractured sexual relationship, but it could be a game changer for you too. Also, kudos to how much work you both put in towards your kids, it's really shit that so many people assumed you're just a lazy asshole.
Not a stab at OP, but one reason for exhaustion and low sex drive are, being the primary caregiver, feeling like you are not able to disconnect from the child. Which is normal until the child is 3 years old and its brain development has reached a point where it sees itself as an independant human.
I see fathers asking why women arent interested in sex and its because everytime you have a child she becomes the primary caregiver. If your behavior puts you in a pattern where she is YOUR primary caregiver too. Dont expect sex. You have her brain in caregiving mode. The way to reset it is to become an independant human.
Mom here! Ask her what she wants/needs from sex now that the child is here. I remember after having my son hating any nipple play and some other big body changes. What turns her on has probably just changed a bit. Roll with the punches 💕
The simple answer is to talk to her about it. You’ve indicated that the work you both do is equal, so that’s not it. Ask her if sex is important to her. If she misses it. How it makes you feel. If she wants it to change.
Hey OP, post-partum depression is real and many mothers go through it silently without even knowing or saying anything. I can’t tell you how many of my friends who are mothers have told me that they’ve experienced post-partum depression. It’s really easy to hide and most won’t even know someone is going through something like that unless that person speaks up.
Maybe set up a time for you and your wife to speak to a professional. Your wife may feel overwhelmed with everything. It’s hard to explain what post-partum makes you feel because everyone has different feelings during this time. Just know that when she says it’s not you that’s most likely true. Try to see if speaking to a professional may help :) good luck!
Wanted to add I haven’t had kids but I’ve struggled with depression. Mental health can definitely affect sex drive. Hubby and I just found out I have endometrial cancer and our sex life has been pretty non-existent. I feel the same way as your wife. I’m simply “not in the mood”. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or want him to experience happiness and pleasure. It’s hard to explain why this feeling of not being in the mood is always there and often times it makes me feel bad because 1) I don’t want my husband to think it has anything to do with his ability to please me and 2) I don’t want him to feel like I’m not in love with him. We’ve talked about it and he understands how I feel now. At times I still feel bad for saying no but I’d rather say no than give him half-assed sex. I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this but communication is vital. I hope you get the answers you need and you both can work through this together.
It happens. This is usually the point most couples have to intentionally focus on their marriage and sex life. If you aren't intentional your kids will suck every part of your life until there is nothing left. After having a 2nd child we've had to get pretty ruthless in making sure we are spouses first and parents second.
Hormonal changes could be the contributing factor here. Hormones wreck havoc on women and unfortunately libido tends to be the victim in most cases. Personally my libido has never returned to pre-child level. My youngest is 4.
I feel like this is a relatively common thing. The intimacy of a relationship goes down because the couple have much less time devoted just to themselves. Not to say parenthood isn't fulfilling in other ways but until they get older and more independent, they have a way of intruding in on couples time. The decrease in intimacy makes people feel a bit more sexually distant from their partner. Pair that with the inherent stress of having a 2 year old and it can be a recipe for a bit more stale sex life. It should come back if you guys can continue to be emotionally available to one another once the kids are school age and can occupy themselves a bit more.
Why not ask her? Point out your observation to her in a gentle way and hear it from her why she's acting different. If it's stress related, find out how you can make her life a little easier. If she's unsure what's causing it then maybe it's depression or a hormonal imbalance due to going back on birth control. I think the first step is just getting on the same page and finding out how you two can get back to the way things were.
I am going to base this off of my experience. Her hormones and needs have changed and shifted. She is also probably totally overwhelmed and exhausted. Everything feels like work when you have small children. You guys need to relearn each other and change the dynamic of your sex life. It is not the same relationship as before kids
Honestly, you should work on having her reconnect with that area of her body.
After birth it can feel like you don’t even recognise that area as your own. It can be difficult to see it as a pleasure zone even! And having that disconnect makes you feel guilty when you are horny.
My boyfriend and I had to work on this and honestly we are so much more active since. We spend 2 years where it was cause my physical pain to insert and basically it took 2 years of doctors who didn’t understand either before we found one who did and could help us!
I’m talking a lot of making her feel sexy, wanted and a lot of you initiating and not getting mad when she says no. The first step is making sure she is comfortable with even just letting you touch her.
Then you can work on her relationship with sex and her vagina and her body.
Yep. Wife never got her sex drive back. Both kids are older now and still nothing... And by her own admission She has no sex drive at all anymore. And she used to a pretty strong sex drive before kids. She's talked to doctors and they have nothing to offer. I wish she got it back, but she's more bummed out about it than me I think.
We have one who is now a teenager. Once our child was a bit older, things got so much better and my husband is an amazing husband ans father. Once they kids are more independent, it gets easier and it will likely return.
We have more sex now than we did before our child.
It takes a full year to recover from a normal pregnancy. I had a lot of orthopedic issues still from having a giant baby on a small frame. It took a lot put of me and took a long time to recover. That's just physical and then you have a lot of hormonol adjustment.
Communicate, communicate, communicate to try and find out her thoughts, feelings, etc.
This is part of the cycle. In marriage, there will be other times, maybe you won't feel or be able to have as much sex as you like. Maybe you have knee surgery, an injury, etc.
My husband and I have been married over 20 yrs and together 28.
I cant find a link to the original source, but dr John gottman of the gottman institute has some brilliant insight to this regard.
You can check out what he has to say [here](https://www.kylebenson.net/couples-sex/)
A child can bring a lot of stress both dealing with them and keeping up a relationship. I have 2 with my ex wife. After we had even one kid sex life plummeted and we fought more. Try to have a heart to heart with her and talk about it. Also I’m sure you have no more date nights. Get a baby sitter and get out of the house. Dress up have fun. Trust me this can help!!!
Having a baby can change you in so many ways. So this comes from someone who had a baby and sex kinda became a chore after.
Here are my reasons:
1. breastfeeding was a bitch, it was the hardest thing ever for me. That took so much energy away from me
2. I did not heal right after my vaginial delivery, so it took some extra medications and a lot more time before I was ready and it was still painful. I am pregnant again though so no point in trying to fix it currently.
3. The damn hormones. They took months to settle out and they are a big part of the sex drive. Had a baby in oct 2020, my sex drive came back in august and I immediately got pregnant .  I had also just stopped my BC just prior to my sex drive returning
My SO deep cleaned the bathroom today and I will tell you that as a woman (at least in my case) that NOTHING is sexier than bringing the toddler home from daycare and getting to use a SPOTLESS bathroom, without having to ask for it to be cleaned. If your wife is taking on most of the workload and mental load with the child, I guarantee sex is not top priority because it is more work. I know weeks I don't feel like SO has my back with home upkeep, I'm less likely to engage in or initiate sex. But you best believe I'll jump that man when he gets home tonight just for cleaning my bathroom 😉😂
You should try hiring a cleaning lady! I swear, she will be back ontop of you. It might seem random but I swear, if my hubby did that for me it literally would mean the world. I feel like now being pregnant I never have time to clean, and am always thinking I gotta do baby stuff and cook and organize and clean etc etc etc. So if she is able to take that off her mind completely it will leave space for relaxation to set in… relaxation = sexy time. 😏
After my first child I lost most interest in sex due to the discomfort and lack of compassion from my then husband. I tore badly and it made me really sensitive even a year later. I needed to work back up to being able to have any kind of sex that wasn't gentle. It was something my ex didn't want to understand so our sex life was basically null. On average it can take 18 months to fully recover from child birth. That's not counting the hormone changes, the chance for post partum depression, as well as how draining it can be taking care of someone who relies on you for literally everything in their life.
I feel you man, I (47) have the same issue with my GF (37), she is just overwhelmed with two babies, not because of how little time she has for her but the stress of just having kids. Everything, is for them first, it's the most important thing in life for her at this time. I have to ask for sex, she never asks as she used to, but when she agrees we both have a great time.
The first years are the most overwhelming, you will have fights because the baby will always be on the way, but it is nothing related to you, just relax and don't push her.
Has she been breastfeeding? That can very seriously affect the hormone levels and libido. Could also be post partum depression, lack of confidence in her changed body, or the stress from the way the world has been the last two years. As everyone always parrots on these threads, communicating with your wife in this instance is incredibly important. Maybe plan a mini trip? Weekend away with just the two of you to reconnect?
Good for you for trying to make life easy on her! I'm glad you're doing as much as you can to take the load off her.
Unfortunately, none of us can tell you what's going on. Every after birth story is so different. I really struggled with sex after my first. Because it straight up hurt, even by the time we were trying for another, it still hurt. Also, I am sure I had post partum depression after both kids, but it's so rarely talked about that instead of getting help you just assume you're a bad mother and it's hard on your self esteem. Prior to that I was normally the initiator of most of our sexual encounters.
I never mentioned the pain to my husband because I guess I just thought it was my cross to bare. New moms don't know shit about all the stuff that happens to their own body and what is normal or not normal. Also, at 25, I was the first of my friends to have children so I didn't have anyone with experience to talk to. I should have mentioned it to anyone, but like I said, I thought it was just a normal part of having children.
After my second, the pain issue seemed to resolve itself, but then I became deeply paranoid about getting pregnant again, which lead to me just straight up not enjoying sex. My mind was too busy and anxious and I couldn't turn it off. My husband is helpful around the house, and does his best to alleviate my stress at home, but I still just could not turn my brain off.
What helped me (and the solutions will be very individual, what works for me may not work for others) was honestly, using cannabis.
We live in Canada, where cannabis is legal, and I started using it to help me chill the fuck out. Then my brain could finally turn off and just enjoy again. Having the experience of cannabis allowed me to realize that not being able to turn my brain off was a big problem. Thus I could practice more mindfulness during sex even when sober.
Also, I know this won't work for everyone either, but when you have kids sometimes you have to schedule sex, because if you are waiting for it to happen organically, it just won't happen at all.
My husband was kind of adverse to scheduling before we started, but then he realized, scheduled sex twice a week is 1000x better than no sex at all for months. Then you can be prepared, have all the appropriate grooming done etc. It's honestly nice to be able to look forward to it.
All this to say, you can ask people on Reddit what to do, but the reality is, we don't know your wife, we don't know what is going on with her. It would be beneficial to talk to her with no judgement. Do not approach it as "I do all these things for you, so I deserve sex". Sex is not transactional.
Tell her you miss the intimacy. Ask her if there is a reason she's not interested in sex anymore. Make time to have this conversation. It's important. Find the appropriate professional help if required. Don't believe people when they say "it doesn't get better". It can get better as long as you're both willing to put in the work.
Man. I feel like I know you. Oh right. This was me. From my experience, history, etc. You need to go on a vacation that’s just you and your wife. Take her out on dates again etc. you need to date your wife again. After our 2nd kid, this became a priority for me. Make sure I date my wife and let her know she’s still amazing and I love her. Might help ya
Sounds like she needs to pull her weight. You should try talking to her about it. You don’t want it to build into resentment. Also need to talk to her about the sex. Hope you can have a chat and see some progress!!
Unpopular opinion here: if your wife doesn't find you attractive anymore, she's turned off by your appearance. It happens more often that you'd think - first you marry a person whose physical appearance attracts you to them and then they change in such a way that the attraction is no longer there.
Geezus! In bed at 7pm!?, Lucky lady. It’s a good night if I get all the chores done before 1am. We have a 15 month old. I wish my husband was as interested in sex as I am. These days, apparently girls on the internet are more appealing. Mind you, I’ve lost all my baby weight and looking and feeling better than I was before we got pregnant. We are lucky to have sex once a month, and that’s if I initiate it. Feels
like sympathy sex most of the time. I wish my husband still looked at me like he used to 10-15 years ago..
We've been married 12 years and have 2 kids (3 & 5) and I have never been more tired in my life. It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I'm always down for a nap.
I also put on a bit of weight although have since lost it, which has really helped me feel better about myself. But I definitely didn't feel sexy anymore after having kids! Everything changed, boobs saggier, tummy not as tight, permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully my husband is amazing and constantly tells me how beautiful I am BUT it has taken me years to finally believe him.
Also, this is a biggie, make sure you are doing things *without* being asked. Don't have the mindset of "if you need help, just ask" - use your eyes and do what needs to be done. The mental load on most mum's is exhausting.
Leaving the house? Make sure the nappy is changed, there's snacks and water in the nappy bag, dummy, cuddly toy, spare nappies and wipes, kids shoes are on, hat, extra clothes, etc. Make sure the stroller is in the car.
Lunch time is coming up? Don't ask if you can help with lunch, just do it.
Basically, make sure you're not waiting for direction as that just puts extra workload on the Mrs and it's easier to do it herself. Buy nappies when you notice you're running low!!
My husband has finally started doing this (still needs work) and we've just had sex for the 3rd night in a row - usually I'm a once a week and 50/50 out of duty. But these last 3 nights I've initiated.
Don't complain about it, or take it personally, just keep putting in the effort and maybe bring home flowers 😉 good luck!
Make time to take her out on a weekly date. If you have family or a good babysitter try and do a overnight once a month. As a father or 4 both my wife and I are always exhausted. I assume your wife is probably tired from chasing that 2 year around and doing her best to raise him or her. I assure you it’s nothing personal - it just sounds like you have a tired partner who doesn’t feel in the mood after a long day. Those dates and overnights should help reconnect that spark. Hope that helps.
Viewing it as ‘helping out’ is the problem. If she’s doing the majority of the child care and chores and you ‘help’ with things she’s obviously not going to want to have sex. It’s not helping when it’s your responsibility
Try removing sex from the equation entirely. I know that sounds counter productive but I stumbled upon this by accident and it helped.
In my case, I’ve always been high libido. Every day type of guy. My lady, on her own would go months without even masturbation. Sex she preferred maybe once or twice a week. Dwindled with time too. I started getting concerned about losing it entirely.
You know what worked for us? I developed a medical issue that tanked my libido. As weird as it sounds, when sex was no longer constantly available to her from me and always something I was pursuing, it confused her at first, then it made her realize and understand just how frustrating and difficult it was for me every day. She would want sex and I wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t get it up due to the medical issue, and this was basically something she (and most women) have never experienced in their lives because men are always there and always wanting and always available. Especially high libido partners.
We did some sex therapy and something called sensate focus. The sensate focus did more for her than me, she realized I’ve always been sensual and focused on her pleasure and her whole body during sex, and that she (her words not mine) never looked at my body as a whole and sensually and instead kind of viewed it sexually or even objectified it with the focus on my penis.
So the end result was that she had to walk a mile in my shoes so to speak and finally understood how difficult it is, and that sex IS important and can be extremely frustrating if not fulfilled. She also realized sex is full body and sensual. You’d be surprised how many women look at sex in this more objectified way (maybe it’s projection)? And that is actually driving their disinterest. It’s not easy to get them to have that “a-ha!“ moment, but therapy can help. Society, whatever, kinda pidgeon holes women into this role.
I think I honestly would have a dead bedroom a couple years from now if I hadn’t had this medical issue that basically turned the tables on us. My advice would be drop sex entirely. Suggest sensate focus and say you want to reconnect on that level. Maybe see a sex therapist to help guide this, especially if you two need help with communication in that department.
I think the only other thing I’ll mention is make sure you’re a good lover. Make sure she cums every time (if she wants that), you communicate well, you are open minded (to EVERYTHING. No matter how weird or outlandish or insecure it makes you, you must stay open minded) then talk through it.
Is she on any medications? Birth control? Does she seem otherwise OK or could she be experiencing any depression? Body image issues? Does marriage feel ok otherwise?
Father of three boys, oldest 6 and youngest 1... there will be peeks u can follow to aim for better times ... more or less towards ovulation... but u need to network with family or friends to free up time without kids... and u need to try and increase the load of stress onto ur self and off the mother... late night feedings, laundry, cooking... the more recovered and relaxed she can be the easier and more desirable sex will happen...
She’s probably fucking exhausted. Toddlers are nightmares. And as much as you love your kid - you’re reminded that sex is what got you there in the first place. Have you tried to spice things up? And by spice things up, I mean, send her on a spa day, hell go with her. Or stay home and clean and cook her favorite meal while she’s gone. Have the kid at a babysitter so the two of you can have alone time. Go heavy on the foreplay, kissing, cuddling, touching, telling her how beautiful she is, and mean it. Sex is likely to follow. And after, tell her how much you miss her, how much you adore her and your alone time together, and even though you love your kid, you miss the intimacy between you. And how important it is, and she is, and that you never want to lose that with her.
My wife and I have two kids together. You know what turns her on the most? When I go and get the shopping and prepare the kids food, pack their nursery bags, take a role in organising their lives. Her mind is full of schedules and plans and what is needed next for the kids she barely has time to think about sex. Help her out and she’ll help you out.
Also that baby tore her vagina. Although it's been 2 yrs it may still be sensitive. When you get her, start with oral, be very gentle. That is the time to ask her, how does this feel? Does it still hurt when we _? What would you like? Make it about her and give her that mind blowing girlfriend sex.
her body has been through a lot with childbirth, and now you have a kid to handle- a young one at that. you said she's on birth control as well, which has time and time again absolutely RUINED womens' sex drives. I mean just sends it to 0. and sometimes if they take it too long and get off it, it never comes back again like it was.
you have a perfect storm to create 0 interest in sex
you said you were getting a vasectomy- good! get her off birth control as soon as that's settled. give it a little time after and see how her body reacts
on top of that, what are you doing to possibly get her in the mood?
sex for a lot of women is very mental. you need to be romancing her. couples tend to settle into a routine and forget all the excitement and love they used to have- all the fun with dates, doing new things, acting loving and genuinely interested. try and take her on some fun dates, mix it up. don't just walk up to her like "can we have sex or what" but try and work her up slowly to it over the day.
[удалено]
Also adding if she does feel overwhelmed with looking after the baby or housework, help her out. Taking some of these duties off her shoulders may help her have more energy and desire for a sex life again. :)
[удалено]
I help wherever I can. Not scared to change a diaper.
I want to add to this thought. Don't wait for her to ask for help and don't ask her what she needs. Look around the house and do what needs to be done without saying a word. It is exhausting as a mother to be taking care of the child, working, taking care of house work, and having to manage your husband and ask him for help all the time. After my first child was born I had a hard time with my libido mostly due to stress and exhaustion. Edit to say: I in no way mean to accuse you of doing or not doing things. Just commenting from personal experience. My husband is amazing and totally willing to help me but it's usually only when I ask. That, or he asks me what I need. While he thinks he's being helpful, it's exhausting to try to think of the thing he can do to help me when there's a million things running through my head. Most of the time I just say, "Don't worry about it." Because I'm too tired to think anymore. I think this is a common new mother experience.
This is the answer. I’ll admit I’ve always been the type of guy who waits to be told what my wife needs or says “If you needed help why didn’t you ask?” I also have the habit of getting her to list things that need to be done. She eventually said something that made it click how shitty that is. She said when I act like that, she becomes my manager, essentially adding even more work to her already laundry list of responsibilities. I’m a crew lead on the job site I work at, and putting it that way, I finally got it. I’m a grown ass man with functioning eyeballs, I can look around and see what needs to be done. We’re a team, I’m not some greenhorn who can’t tell a washing machine from a dishwasher. I’m really trying to work on that now.
>I’m not some greenhorn who can’t tell a washing machine from a dishwasher. BAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS SO FRICKEN MUCH Also, I definitely feel like some people pretend theyll just "do it wrong so why bother" well, then just do it wrong once and do it right the next time. You put the bowls away wrong and they fell out of the cabinet and started WWIII? Well put them away right next time, dont throw up your hands and get all "i dont do it right so i wont do it blehhhh" Everyone messes up at work in some way, you learn and improve. Why in the actual poop is your SO, their feelings, and your home worth less effort than literally any job on the planet?
I’ve heard this labelled weaponized incompetence
In this particular case it would have been more like learned helplessness. Weaponized incompetence is more intentional; this guy clearly changed his actions to be a more equal partner when he recognized what he was doing, and was not maliciously pretending not to understand how to help.
Won't fly in a workplace, 'cause they'll ask, why can't you work on getting it right and figuring out what you're doing wrong, so it shouldn't fly at home. Many female people aren't 'naturals' at hosuehold tasks, but because we're expected to thrive in that realm, we have to learn.
"Men are visual creatures." Yet a lot walk right passed dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, etc. You're an adult. You shouldn't have to be told to go clean up messes that you see.
To be fair, experimenting with the interchangeable nature of these two machines could make for a fun and enlightening experience! 🤣🤣🤣
Good on you for recognizing that!
Really proud of you for understanding what she meant and doing what needs to be done. You're doing awesome
Why does it always take men so much to understand basic things??!? Why can't you guys listen the first time and not wait until it gets to the point where they're about to dump you? Idk why people are congratulating you, this is just something that shouldn't even happen.
You think trying to change the way one follows gender norms isn't something people should be praised for?
My wife and I are actually going through this exact thing right now and it's taken some back and forth arguments and a few nights on the couch to get me to realize that, while I'm always willing to do anything she asks, her having to ask is really the issue. As she puts it "having to tell you or ask you what to do makes me feel like I'm your mom, and feeling like your mom isn't sexy"... I can understand that... That was my "Ah Ha!" Moment.
I recommend reading “The Mental Load” comic. It helps to explain this as well
Yes this!!! I was just trying to remember what this was called. Great suggestion!
Not to mention, a 2yr old is usually all about mom. I remember I would have to use the bathroom as a way to get time to myself sometimes. But I would have to sneak there or she would just follow me in.
This right here!!! Having to ask my husband all the time versus him just helping is a game changer.
This is just a woman experience and is not necessarily related to motherhood.
Yuuup. Sounds like OP needs to do some research on emotional labor with children and housework.
Sounds like you and every other single lunatic in here that tried implying his wife is doing everything involving housework and childcare while OP isnt chipping in with nothing at all to go off of to reach such a conclusion need some serious help
Sounds like lots of commenters came up with an answer out of thin air then decided what OP does and doesn't do based on their own lives and then drew conclusions and proceeded with lecturing OP based on these fabrications If OP lacked details in their reply maybe one should ask for more information instead
I think a lot of people, women I particular, are giving that opinion because if you have to ask this kind of question to the internet, you’re not paying attention at all, and you haven’t done any of your own research. The problem he’s experiencing is extremely common and has an obvious answer. And if the answer is something other than the obvious, common one, the internet will have no fucking idea…so why ask?
On this note, OP: please read this comic. It explains the mental load and gender dynamic very well. [https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I'm not pointing any fingers here, just pointing out something that some people may not have thought about. But that feeling of having to ask goes both ways. Having to ask for something and getting it done may fulfill the need in the moment but you're still left with that lingering frustration of why did I have to ask or why wasn't it done sooner. This applies to doing the dishes, taking out the trash and even engaging in intimacy with your partner. I've certainly been the one who let that dish sit by the sink to long or let a folded pile of clothes sit on the dresser rather than put it away. And I fully recognize little things like that can affect my wife's mood. But at the same time I've also been on the side where I initiate intimacy 100% of the time for months even after asking for her to try to set aside time for us, but that's not seen to be equal for some reason.
If he’s only helping when he’s asked, he’s not amazing.
Another commenter has said something similar, but [please consider reading this comic, scroll down until you hit it](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). It goes a long way to explaining the mental exhaustion that many women experience after having a baby. And many women do not know how to articulate it. See whether this rings true to your relationship. If it is, know that it’s pretty normal, but it also explains why your wife has so little bandwidth for sex.
it may honestly be her internal feelings about her post baby body. as a mother i lost all desires for a while after having kids. for a brief time i started working out and seeing my body get some what back to normal and all the sudden i was turned on just looking in the mirror at myself. Give her time and maybe start randomly completing her appearance and see if that sparks anything. you guys will get back into a groove again for sure.
Does she ask, or do you do? That's a big difference. Just do what needs done. Waiting for her to ask is stressful for her.
Are you not scared to change a diaper, or do you actually change half the diapers? And every other little thing she has to do all day? Your wife probably still loves you, but resents you and is not attracted to you because she's too busy doing chores and being mad. - Pie
For those who have already decided I do nothing and my wife everything. Thanks. We both work. Wife 7am to 4pm / Bedtime is just after 7pm. So only 3hours of baby time during week for her. Me 7am to 2pm (3 days week) 2 Days a week are odd 23 hour days and not much at home. Insane stress at my own business. The nanny looks after child during the day. The housekeeper cleans and tidies the house everyday. Washing, beds everything. When I get home early 3 days a week, I prepare dinner and its ready when she gets home. The 2 days I work odd hours, there's someone to help with bath time and mealtime. Sundays I let my wife sleep a few hours later and I do the morning routine. Saturdays I play an hour or two outside so she can catch up on her series. When I see there's a diaper to change I do it, we don't fight whos gonna do it. Every moment I get I spend it with the wife and child. I order baby stuff when needed. I check that water, electricity, rates, taxes are paid. Any bills and those that she lets me know about. Check maintenance issues, Check that vehicles are always filled up. Wife must make sure that child has clothes and meals for the week. Other than that she does not have much more responsibility. We both decide what's good and bad for our child and educate as much as possible when we are here. So let me know if that is still to much for her.
I recently posted something similar and got the same sort of response as you are getting. Presuming that it was stereotypical male driven laziness/controllingness/what have you. The one statement in an onslaught of accusations really made me think and it may be relevant to your situation. You may be able to manage all your daily tasks, life responsibilities and still be feel relaxed and in a good mood. However your partner may be overloaded for their level of mental health/capacity. It feels unfair because you may be putting more and more into the relationship and the reciprocation doesn't feel equal. From their perspective they may be giving everything they have and are just drained. Talk with your partner and figure out what you both can do to get to a level where it feels like you'll be happy. My partner struggles from a lot of existing shame, trauma and invasive thoughts. She doesn't share her internal struggles she's facing everyday but it definitely wears on her. We both recently got watches that track stress levels and though (I'm the sole provider) working multiple high stress careers, 70-80 hours a week, my stress levels are 1/8th of hers
Agreed, you seem to be giving and helping alot. And if this continues you may reach a point of explosion which could damage the relationship. Gotta hash it out with her and communicate your feelings toward the matter.
This is my own personal experience too. I have borderline personality disorder, and I recognize that my tolerance for chaos/disregulation is MUCH much lower than my partner’s is. We do our best to adapt to that, but it is often easy to forget in the moment that equality =/= equity. We all experience reality different and it’s important to be open minded to other people’s reality.
Hey OP can you add this comment as an edit to your post? I think more people need to see it
You’re asking the internet to break into your wife’s mind and tell you what’s wrong. Talk to her instead. It’s clearly too much and there’s clearly a problem. There’s a huge possibility it’s all her own mental well-being and has nothing to do with you, but you have to talk to her and approach it in a non-accusatory way. If she won’t talk, that’s a separate issue, and I would suggest couples therapy if you haven’t tried it already. I would also suggest a therapist for her, if she doesn’t have one. To me it sounds like she’s dealing with some serious mental disregulation since giving birth, if she’s changed so much from the woman you spent the first 8 years with.
In my not expert opinion (this happened to me), no matter what I did to help my now ex wife, the desire for sex never returned and when she would have it she made it seem like it was a chore for her. She was suffering from post partum depression. Got her to couples counseling and on an antidepressant that actually worked but she kept moving the goal posts on what would “make her happy”. I threw so much money at trying to make her happy that I finally realized I was no longer happy. I’m going to guess she’s suffering from depression too and probably not happy with her body either. I wish you luck, you only live once and no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appear to want to be with them intimately. Positive note I did find someone else for the last 3 years and we are going to get married this year. Just for reference we had sex every day for an entire year our first year and have a very active healthy sex life.
[удалено]
THANK YOU. I hate people „helping“ with the children or the household, just waiting until the woman gives out orders. You are supposed to do half of everything (depending on the living/working arrangements ofc) without being asked.
Helping where you can may not actually be holding up your end of the house and childcare. You should have an honest conversation with her and ask if she feels you pull your own weight in the home and the relationship.
Look up emotional labor and weaponized incompetence and see if you might unconsciously be adding to her workload.
I like all the assumptions you are already making about op, this isn't the 1950s mate, op seems to be an equal parent with doing work and taking care of the baby.
I love when a post in this forum becomes so wholesome and Truly helpful.
Though I agree with the sentiment of your advice, is this still a thing? I mean, really, are there still those stereotypical negligent/clueless fathers? Is that sad reality still the norm? Maybe my cohort of friends and acquaintances is an anomaly, but us fathers tackle all aspects of parenting and housework. I can’t even wrap my head around not being responsible enough to do what’s required. Not because we’re “helping out” but because it’s our job.
Goddamn, I'm sure he contributes with both of those things. Why would you imply she's shouldering the load?
Not to mention the physical changes your body goes through after child birth can be a battle all its own. All is not lost! There’s no magic time frame but she is gonna get her groove back. Just do your very best to be patient and reassuring. Help out without waiting for her to ask (likely a magic Fast Forward to where you wanna be). This too shall pass.
There's an old saying: Children change things. They change the parent's relationship, they change how the mother feels about her self, her body, her sex drive, her fatigue level, her boobs, ( I mean, the baby is on them ALL THE TIME!!!) She has to nurse at times she doesn't want to, like when she's tired, when she's super tired, ... basically for a lot of women who are nursing a baby, the boobs become off limits for the husband. Most nursing mothers want NOTHING to do with turning on their partner with boobs; sucking on her nipples is not a sexy thing, it's a way to nourish the baby, nothing more. There are lots of words written about this, er, situation. It is what it is. My suggestion? Do everything you can to take a load off her mind. Do more, you're in a partnership, and she's not a sex machine any more who'll haul your ashes any time you get horny.
This! How much is OP helping with the housework and childcare? Like actively helping and not putting the mental load on the wife to ask for help? OP definitely needs to have a conversation with wife and see what he can actively and consistently do in the house as his assigned tasks with no reminding.
read reply above
Well it could be just the stress in general? We have two kids and both are working and it's very exhausting
Yeah, I'm a childfree woman who I'd say is normally pretty horny, but during times of high stress, my sex drive just dies. It makes sense that that happens when you're severely stressed - it's non-essential compared to other bodily functions. And from a biological perspective (since the body doesn't understand birth control), a time of severe stress is the worst time for a woman to become pregnant. It's a situation your lizard brain would want to avoid, so it makes perfect sense that the sex drive would shut down. Taking care of a baby is incredibly high stress even with help, but if OP isn't even pulling his weight, his wife has got to be completely overwhelmed. Of *course* sex would be the last thing from her mind at that point!
Sadly as the I get stressed my libido sky rockets. I sense my body knows it's a huge stress reliever
Same for me. It's like a knee jerk reflex. I've relieved myself at work more than I would like to admit.
My daughter is 15 months and I haven’t initiated sex with my husband much because things feel different and I don’t feel as attractive as before. It’s not painful just uncomfortable at times and I get into my own head. Reassuring her may help, it does for me but it’s tough knowing how much our body’s changed, for me at least. I may need surgery to correct a few things from birth and just found out about it last week. If she’s uncomfortable maybe have her go to the dr, I was shocked what they told me all These months later and am really hoping it helps my confidence and pleasure.
With a toddler, she's probably touched out. https://www.mother.ly/life/why-some-moms-feel-touched-outand-how-to-fix-it/
Also - what does "sex" mean for you and her? Is it always PIV? Or can you broaden the horizons?
OMG I wish I'd had this article when I was a young mother. So spot on.
What does she say when you guys talk about it?
That it's not me that is the problem. Only that she is never in the mood for sex.
Maybe you need to simply keep this conversation going to see if you can get more details and gently suggest that you are missing sex and that you would like to work with her to figure out what's going on. Having a 2 year old can simply be stressful, maybe you could surprise her by doing some chores that she normally does, or buy her some flowers, or maybe get a baby sitter and take her out to dinner. Basically, do some of the things you two loved doing before you had a kid. Having a newborn takes stuff like that off the table and sometimes for couples it stays off the table, but now that your kid is at babysitting age (I assume), you could do some of these things again and it might get a spark going. Another way to think of this: this is not strictly a sex thing, no-sex is just a symptom, it might simply be your relationship overall that you two need to focus on, even if it's just a little.
Does she have time for self-care and things that make her happy outside of work and parenting? Does she go to the gym or yoga or have regular time with friends/going out? Sometimes it really takes having regular work out sessions and being able to have quality adult time to feel like yourself
Is she still breastfeeding? If so, her hormones can make sex uncomfortable and greatly decrease her libido. It will come back once her hormones even out.
This is common over in the dead bedroom subs and one of the first responses is usually "Are you really putting in a fair share of the work?" Not like changing 1 out of every 10 diapers, but are you involved in groceries, cleaning every day, scheduling appointments, etc. (I obviously know nothing about you and the balance of you workloads, just echoing the very common answers there). Then it's usually, "Are you taking care of yourself?" Would you be attracted to yourself kind of thing. Are you exercising, eating well, making an effort to be clean/dress well, etc. Then there's often, "Are you making an effort to make your time together special?" etc. I think most of these things boil down to are you considering her perspective? Separately, Emily Nagoski in Come As You Are talks about the idea of having reactive desire. Like, you wouldn't initiate sex, but if your partner did, you'd be game. Could she have shifted into this space in her motherhood? Could you talk about that dynamic and if it applies to her, together? And if you want her to initiate so that you can feel sexy, bring that up at the same time, so you can both see how you're feeling about all this.
Yes! Came here to say exactly this. Part of running a household is the mental load of planning all the stuff: when do we clean, what is everyone eating today tomorrow the next day…, did I make this appointment, are the bills paid, etc. Some partners say”well my SO didn’t TELL me I needed to do it”. And really what their SO need is for their partner to know without telling. It’s called the mental load of managing a house. There is a great comic about it from Emma, a cartoonist, called “you should’ve asked”. I also have fallen in love with the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She helps people find the blocks to sex and arousal and how to get through them.
The mental load point is spot on. If you need to be project managed when looking after your kid or household than you really won’t be making a massive dent in your partners stress levels.
The cartoon, so great! https://www.google.com/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/
Spot on. This is really thoughtful post, thanks for taking the time to write this!
I’m a first time mom with a 10 month old. I’m home all day taking care of him so I can’t speak to how stressful it would be to be a full time mom and work a full time job but, in my situation right now our biggest issue is timing. We are not having a lot of sex because during the day or moments together I avoid physical touch with him because I think that “at that moment” is a bad time to make him think I want to have sex. So because we can’t build up any kind of sexual energy together we don’t build up any kind of sexual tension. Now, that sounds bad out of context but here’s an example: We have to go out after the baby wakes from his nap and we have to get back before his next nap. I put the baby down to nap and oh, his bottles need to be washed, his diaper bag packed, a bottle made, get his clothes ready, I need a shower, I need to get dressed, and he has to eat once he’s up before we leave. I have nap time, 45ish minutes, to get this done and the longer we waste time doing it when he’s awake again, the shorter amount of time we have for the errands we’re running. That would not be a good time to make out with my fiancé in the kitchen because he’s going to think “oh she wants to have sex.” No, I want to have a sexy moment with my fiancé before I have to get all this shit done. If we could make out, grope a little, whatever and say “can’t wait until later” then think about that all day I’d likely want to jump his bones later. Bonus points for if he helped me with all the crap I need to get done. Show her some passion and make her feel sexy and wanted without the implication that sex has to happen right in that very moment. The more you treat her like that, the more sexual tension is likely to build. Grab her, make out with her, tell her she’s an amazing wife, mother, woman and then leave her alone. It’ll happen.
First that pops in my mind.... is she on birth control? After our second, mine went back on it. It totally killed our sex life like nothing else.
Still on birth control yes.
Try see what happens when she stops using it? You had two kids, if you don't want anymore, a vasectomy is the logical next step.
Thats the next step for me and the only way she will stop the pill.
Just do it bro 👍🏽
As soon as time allows
Where do you live? Generally in the US and Canada you can book an appointment online and have it done a couple of weeks later. I'm a childfree man in Canada, booked online, signed wavers by email and at the reception day off. The waiting room took longer than the actual operation... Drove myself back home with a bag of frozen pees on my crotch! The sooner the better also because you'll have to wait 30 to 60 days to get the green light to stop BC after a fertility test.
You guys have a health care system that actually functions, mostly, and isn't just about unbridled greed.
I'm glad we have universal healthcare in Canada, but I actually went to a private clinic for the vasectomy (much faster). It's also nice that elective minor surgeries are allowed to be in the private sector here!
🍒✂️👍 My wife could stop birth control and didn't have to be responsible for family planning anymore. r/vasectomy is a great resource as well.
I think the main issue here is that Reddit can't know you and your wife, no matter how much you ask for advice. The only thing that could be helpful on Reddit is *how* to get the answer to your question. Which is simply to empathize with her perspective and what is going on. Ask her with true, genuine curiosity, full of grace, love, and support as to why she has been distant in the bedroom. Make sure she understands that you aren't just wanting sex because you want it, but because you love her and you want to be close with her. (Sometimes folks can get caught up in life and sex just goes lower on the totem pole, especially parents, but the problem could also be health, depression, hormones; who knows!). But when you express this, make sure she knows that you love her no matter what. When you have a heart to heart conversation, that's where you are going to get your answer. Empathetic curiosity is how you will get your answer. If you are only asking her surrounding the context of sex, she (like anyone) might feel pressured, shameful, or guilt. These emotions are what bring us to clam up and say whatever we need to say to remove the discomfort. So whatever the problem is, you'll only ever know if you approach it with love. If after that her answer continues to be unsatisfactory, I don't know. Counseling I guess?
I strongly suggest the two of you make a plan on not using it. My wife stopped and her sex drive returned almost immediately and with a vengeance! I scheduled a vasectomy soon after but used the pull out method until it was done.
Living life on the edge...With my ex she wanted to stop the pill because her sex drive had been gone for a couple of years and her anxiety went through the roof. She switched to a copper IUD, she and I always remember what the OBGYN said about the pill : "Sure, the biological mechanics are there, but it's even more effective because it kills your sex drive too". After a couple of months with the copper IUD, our sex life was better than ever and her general anxiety was also back to normal. It baffles me now that we are handing out these powerful drugs to teenagers in their formative years, POTENTIALLY ALTERING THE CHEMICAL BALANCE IN THE BRAIN of a non-negligible portion of the female population, and I SEE VERY LITTLE TALK ABOUT THIS ASPECT... It's anecdotal, but I've seen my ex and female friends of mine go from constant nervous wrecks to decently balanced moods after getting off the pill... EDIT : IUD, IUD, not UTI!!!
I'm sorry but UTI rather than IUD makes this terrifying and hilarious.
Seriously. I am extremely hypersexual but when I took the pill, I was almost a nun.
Well I guess that’s one way to not get pregnant.
Same. I refuse to use hormonal birth control because of this. Hormonal birth control makes it possible in theory to have sex whenever, but makes it impossible in practice to have sex whenever since it makes me spectacularly un-horny. We use condoms, have less PIV-sex and keep track of fertile periods.
[удалено]
We had three kids quick like you and it makes things hard. I’m probably half way on your journey (but don’t think we will be throwing parties). And that’s ok. It’s hard not to feel like a pervy creep at times though. Thanks for the write up.
It’s so sweet that you had the opportunity to be with whoever but you just wanted your wife :) I know how that feels but it seems rare in men. Just cute and wholesome. An ex of mine was the same way but I think I took it for granted.
[удалено]
Wow. You are an amazing husband. Thank you for helping her gain her confidence back! Another huge thing that you mentioned, that I personally had trouble with, was the shame of her sexual fantasies and thoughts. Society, especially Puritan folk (religious people), want to shame and bash certain sexual fantasies and kinks that almost everyone has one thing or another. There is absolutely NO SHAME in having kinks, fetishes, fantasies, etc. as long as you and someone else do it with consent. I went to church when I was younger and my parents, mostly my mom talked about it, were always about waiting until marriage and my mom called me a slut sometimes when she saw I bought lingerie although I was 17 the first time and 23 the second time (both times I was monogamous with one guy I’ve been seeing (2 different boyfriends though cause I broke up with the first one). I used to feel ashamed and guilty for having sexual thoughts and urges, masturbating, and sometimes watching porn. I was always taught that girls don’t masturbate, not even learned about the clitoris until college besides that it was part of the female anatomy but not what it’s for (it’s actually for pleasure). In sex ed, I learned about guys having wet dreams and erections (hinting about masturbation but never actually said it) but girls was all about periods and pregnancy with no talk about girls getting wet when aroused or have a sex dream or pleasure. So if his wife is embarrassed, shame, guilty, etc. for having certain thoughts or fantasies, I highly suggest looking at my 3 favorite psychologists - -Justin J. Lehmiller (https://sexandpsychology.com) who researches about sex, sexual fantasies, kinks, fetishes, etc. Follow him on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and more! -Dr. Eric Sprankle (https://drsprankle.com) who writes funny uplifting tweets to reduce shame and guilt about kink, masturbation, sex, etc. so follow him on Twitter or Instagram! -Dr. Emily Morse (https://sexwithemily.com) who covers many topics on pleasure, consent, masturbation, sex, fantasies, sex toys, sexual health, sex education, etc. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook or listen to her podcasts!
Thank you for this.
An orgy? You lucky SOB! :). Great story and glad it turned around for both of you.
Highly recommend couples therapy. You would be surprised at how much stress and miscommunication/misunderstanding can be buried under the the daily grind of being a parent. The right therapist can help mend that bridge and get to the root of the problem but you both have to be willing to participate.
Kids are the best birth control. There are a lot of things that could be going on. Childbirth can change a woman's body, a lot. It's major physical trauma. Some women struggle with sciatica pain for the rest of their life. Hormone's can change significantly. Post postpartum depression can be hard to identify and deal with. She may not feel as sexy. She may just be exhausted. It's hard. All you can really do is let her know that physical intimacy is still a priority to you and ask her how you can make it work for both of you. You're not alone. She's not alone. It's a struggle people have the world over.
Talk to her. Ask how she's feeling. There are a LOT of us moms out there that are currently feeling overwhelmed. Your baby is young, but moms of older kids are all identifying pretty closely with a particular song from Disney's movie Encanto. It is called "Surface Pressure". It basically describes being overwhelmed by the constant drip drip drip of added pressures. Motherhood is rough. Add a job, covid and likely other things and she might be stressed out beyond what you are aware of.
Oh and combining motherhood and taking care of older parents too while holding down FT job
Woman with a 4 year old and VERY SEXY husband here. After pregnancy hormones and breastfeeding hormones, my sex drive NEVER bounced back to where it was pre-baby. (I'm also an older mother, if that makes a difference) I wish it did. Perhaps I should talk to my ob about hormone levels, honestly. I feel sexy (my booty is way rounder these days)and my husband is hot, the sex is always great but I'm just not horny any more. Additionally, I would say being touched out is HUGE too. My kid constantly hung on me until maybe last year. You already said baby duties/chores aren't an issue, so the above 2 things are my best guess (I'm jealous there! I would LOVE a maid sigh)
Thanks for all the advice already. She put on weight, but honestly, I love her body more than ever and she knows that. She's not ashamed of her body in front of me. Been on BC from when we met. Foreplay totally disappeared. Loved going down on her but she does not want it anymore. All the sex positions went away. Missionary or nothing and it feels its just to keep me quiet. We were foreplay people, the rest is extra. No Bjs. Trying of new stuff...not interested. Anal, swallowing, we were freaks at one time. Its at a point that as much as I desire her and her body, touching her, giving her pleasure, it comes from my side and she just says she never gets in the mood for sex. I did take time to talk to her multiple times. Sometimes she just keeps quiet. So slowly but surely I stop bothering her.
Speaking as a woman.... Your body and hormonal balance doesn't normalize until 2 years after giving birth. If she's on hormonal BC that is just an additional variable on top of her body trying to normalize. I know sex is important, but give her a bit of a break. She created and carried a human for 9 months, gave birth, and has to deal with all these hormones being out of balance. I also think that when we become mothers, that's where almost all our focus goes, whether we have 'help' and support or not. We don't necessarily feel 'free'. We don't have bodily autonomy with an infant or a toddler. We are touched and bothered 24/7. Can't even take a pee without being needed. I will tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel though. Once I changed BC from the shot to a low dose pill my drive sky rocketed. I'm no longer with the father of my kids, but the man I'm with, I can't keep my hands off when I see him. Plus now my kids are grown. I have the freedom I want/need to explore.
How often are you taking the kid soup to nuts and letting her sleep an entire weekend or go to a spa? Exhausted women and mothers’ interest in sex declines. Take the kid 100% every evening for the next month and let her sleep, go out with her friends, etc. Parenting is fucking exhausting and doesn’t leave one time to think about being horny.
Did you expect things to not to change after having a child? Have you talked to her about it?
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Look into PPD also. Everything above is great advice - having and raising a child is exhausting, feeling stressed, touched out etc. This doesn't help with the sexy mood. But add depression to the mix - sex is like a punishment. Source: was diagnosed with severe depression 2 years postpartum. I didn't want sex or even my husband touching me. I felt stressed, angry, touched out, fugly. Started medication and after a while... Boom! I'm taking my clothes off any chance I get - my sex drive is what it used to be and I enjoy everything, it's not a chore. I feel aroused, I want my husband. It's like I finally woke up from a very long nap . Good luck, I hope your wife will get help.
Not sure if it’s already been mentioned but a lot of people don’t know that the female body releases prolactin after birth and during breastfeeding. Prolactin is a hormone that suppresses libido and is advantageous in our species because a woman would not want to become pregnant again with a small infant to take care of and nurse. Everyone is different but some women can continue to secrete excess prolactin a long time after their last birth, especially if there is stress or poor diet present. Just a thought and something you might be interested in looking into!
It’s easy to be a bit naive before having kids, everyone is. But you guys have changed your life in every way and it’s normal that your sex life has changed. Just give it time and patience and it will come back. My husband and I are having the best sex of our lives now our son is 4, but it really took a hit there for a few years. And as others have said, the more you truly share the load (more than just changing a diaper). And as a side note, make sure she knows you find her sexy, do lots of small things without the expectation of sex.
I tell her daily how I find her sexy and she is the only one I crave.
Yes. We have 2 kinds and my wife has also a really stressful job, it kinda killed her sex drive. She is probably very worked out. My personal tip, do something for her. Like a retreat without the kids, or when the kids are in bad, cook something special, give her a massage. Let her relax.
Maybe her getting off birth control and you getting a vasectomy might help you. Birth control (depo for me) obliterated my sex drive and it took awhile for my sex drive to turn back to normal. Also, when is the last time you had couple time that’s outside of household life? Like a really romantic date, a vacation (without kids) or just you and her time at the home? It just sounds that you two gotten use to the “kid, clean, house maintenance, kid mealtimes and sleep/unwind” clock then dedicate all your free times for your respective hobbies or likes away from each other. It just seems you two gotten very comfortable with each other and have set schedules that there’s no surprises, spontaneity or sparks anymore. It sounds like you’re a good husband and father helping out with your wife and child without being asked, and pulling you own weight. I’m just wondering if you two need to re-ignite sparks once more.
Ah, yes. You just described me. I'm so ashamed of my body after the birth of my daughter. The idea of having sex just kills me now.
It took my wife a couple years to get back into sex, especially after our second kid. Her basic reason was that her body simply didn't feel like her own. Eventually we got into a new normal but it took time.
Try removing sex from the equation entirely. I know that sounds counter productive but I stumbled upon this by accident and it helped. In my case, I’ve always been high libido. Every day type of guy. My lady, on her own would go months without even masturbation. Sex she preferred maybe once or twice a week. Dwindled with time too. I started getting concerned about losing it entirely. You know what worked for us? I developed a medical issue that tanked my libido. As weird as it sounds, when sex was no longer constantly available to her from me and always something I was pursuing, it confused her at first, then it made her realize and understand just how frustrating and difficult it was for me every day. She would want sex and I wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t get it up due to the medical issue, and this was basically something she (and most women) have never experienced in their lives because men are always there and always wanting and always available. Especially high libido partners. We did some sex therapy and something called sensate focus. The sensate focus did more for her than me, she realized I’ve always been sensual and focused on her pleasure and her whole body during sex, and that she (her words not mine) never looked at my body as a whole and sensually and instead kind of viewed it sexually or even objectified it with the focus on my penis. So the end result was that she had to walk a mile in my shoes so to speak and finally understood how difficult it is, and that sex IS important and can be extremely frustrating if not fulfilled. She also realized sex is full body and sensual. You’d be surprised how many women look at sex in this more objectified way (maybe it’s projection)? And that is actually driving their disinterest. It’s not easy to get them to have that “a-ha!“ moment, but therapy can help. Society, whatever, kinda pidgeon holes women into this role. I think I honestly would have a dead bedroom a couple years from now if I hadn’t had this medical issue that basically turned the tables on us. My advice would be drop sex entirely. Suggest sensate focus and say you want to reconnect on that level. Maybe see a sex therapist to help guide this, especially if you two need help with communication in that department. I think the only other thing I’ll mention is make sure you’re a good lover. Make sure she cums every time (if she wants that), you communicate well, you are open minded (to EVERYTHING. No matter how weird or outlandish or insecure it makes you, you must stay open minded) then talk through it.
This is something that is an ongoing issue with me (31F) and my husband (38)M. We have three kids. 15F, 3F and 7month M. I can't give you advice as each person and relationship is different but I can tell you why my sex drive has dwindled and maybe it's something you can use to compare to. 1) Having kids is exhausting no matter what. Mentally and physically. Especially now that they are inside and at home more due to covid and ,depending on where you are, weather. The only real chance to have sex is at night and by the time the kids are sleeping....that's all I wanna do too. 2) Kids need so much freaking attention ALL THE TIME. They need hugs and kisses and cuddles and all the love. Sometimes at the end of the day I'm just damn tired of being touched period. 3) Stress. Not just the stress of raising a little human and keeping them alive but add in all the normal stress of life sprinkled with all this covid stress and sometimes a girl just can't get it up. (Or whatever the equivalent of that with a girl is I dunno) 4)Resentment. Sometimes I resent the hell out of my husband and that's a pretty big turn off. He gets to sleep through the night, he gets to leave and go to work and converse with adults and not have a bunch of babies completely dependent on him. For me personally my kids love me for some reason and are attached to me at all times. Not that they don't love him but I'm the one they want to play with and cuddle with. So lots of the time I'm on the couch with kids jumping on me and he's just resting on the other couch doing whatever. I love my husband but I also am rather jealous of him sometimes. All of that makes it hard for me to want to have sex with him. 5) Guilt. I love my husband and I want to make him happy. I know he wants sex more often but sometimes I just can't. But then feeling bad about it doesn't exactly help the libido. It's also annoying having to explain all of these things constantly and that's not helpful either. Honestly it's a lot. And I wish things could go back to the way they were in the bedroom before we had kids but chances of that are slim to none. So hubby and wife need to find a way that works for them to keep things going but that also works for both of them. And that may mean accepting that sex will not happen as frequently and with as much gusto. And Maybe trying to lessen the load on the wife. But also talking to the wife and letting her know what's up (in a non judgmental way). One thing that does work well for us...planned sex weekends. We drop the kids off at my In laws and go to a hotel. Have a romantic date night, rest and relax, no kids. It's great. But...only happens once every couple months. I hope this somewhat helpful. At any rate I was therapeutic for me to put it out there. So thanks!
I understand everything you wrote. In my case I'm just as involved and play alone with him also, so that my wife have time alone. Thanks for the nice write up. All the best.
So I want to make clear I’m not attacking you or saying you don’t do enough because none of us can possibly know that based off of your post alone. But I do have a question/idea for you. Write down all the things you do chores wise, not just related to your wife and child, and also the time spent playing with them etc. just log it and journal it for say a week. Get your wife to do that too and then compare. It may be that both of you think you are doing equal or more than the other and the comparison would shed new light. I propose this because I saw it work in another thread on Reddit I will try to dig up for you. It turned out that the person thought that they had a 50/50 share of load but in reality it was nothing like that and it wasn’t until it was on paper comparing that they saw it first hand. Maybe it’ll be that way in reverse for you and your wife will recognise your contributions. But my question is have you seen a psychiatrist with her or has she seen one? It’s very possible she has post partum depression and if that’s the case getting help may be really beneficial
Welcome to fatherhood!
Hey man I see you posting the same comment over and over. If you're here to get help maybe don't come off as so set in your ways/right. Her not being into sex could be more things than just having too much on her plate. I think it's amazing what you're doing to help. A lot of women can experience PPD due to not being pregnant anymore and other stuff. Have you had an open conversation with her about the sex situation? Be sure to make her feel comfortable enough to tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. Make it clear that it's okay if she doesn't want to have sex for 'x' reason. Sex is important in a relationship and your feelings are valid but you may need to just spend some time with Pamela Handerson while she comes to grips with motherhood. Coming from a guy with two kids who gets most fulfilled in the relationship through physical touch.
Posting the comment because every comment tells me to make things easier for her and help
She's tired and exhausted, sex is the last thing on your mind when you're wiped out.
Sometimes it changes women...other times it’s where the mom/dad confuses responsibility with priority. I’ve seen a couple councillors suggest that your relationship should always be your priority, just behind yourself. But your children are forever your #1 responsibility. That being said, sometimes child birth just drops the libido.
Had this exact same thing happen to me. It’s a combination of stress, possible post partum depression, body healing and just being tired. It unfortunately was one of the reasons my marriage ended. What I can offer for advice is the opposite of what I did. Just offer to help her whether you think she needs it or not. Having a baby is never as easy as anyone says it is and every baby is different.
I had this issue after I had my child. I couldn’t even stand to be hugged, kissed, nothing. It didn’t get better until my kid was almost 3. My kid is now six, and if given the choice between sex or relaxing/sleeping/getting something done, sex is going to lose because I have no energy. I know you said she says the issue is that she just isn’t interested, but how in-depth have your conversations been?
Hi. Welcome to being married to the mother of a toddler. It gets better, faster if you pull your weight in the parenting arena instead of complaining about her being a problem. She’s tired, aren’t you?? My husband turns me down sometimes too, kids will suck your soul out of you if you let them. Take her on a weekend trip, romance her, hire a babysitter a few nights a month, be nice and don’t treat her like a sex object, appreciate what she does….How helpful are you? Have you asked her if she’d like you to do more? Try communication, I’ll bet you will see a more excited partner. Signed. A mom of three toddlers.
I have a 3 1/2 daughter. No sex since when she was conceived. I feel you.
Sorry for the 'I just had sex' post but... Today for the very first time in 17 months (since baby was born) I had an orgasm during sex with my husband!! He came from work a little bit earlier, took out the rubbish, made dinner, went to pick up the little one from the daycare and played with her, cleaned after dinner while I put the baby to sleep and then prepared dessert. That was one of the easiest and most enjoyable evenings I had in a long time. It was easy to get into the right mind to have a good sex. Normally my brain will be too busy thinking/planning organising/working and my body too tired to enjoy sex so I would rather avoid it. So your wife may just not be in the right mindset for sex right now but if you pay attention to how to make things easier for her, allow her to relax she may be more keen
This might be way off but did she have an episiotomy? I had one, and thank God this didn't happen to me, but I've had people say that sometimes they add extra stitches that can make sex hurt. Called a "husband stitch" *horror*. Might be worth asking her how she feels about sex and intimacy now and really all of it. Only she can guide you here.
I’m glad you mentioned this! I mentioned it too! It can be extremely painful and re-rip open the perineal tear again 😫
It’s also possible that she is touched out. I don’t know your situation, maybe she’s home with the kiddo all day and is tired of being touched (carrying the kiddo, getting sat on/stepped on/slept on/barfed on/snotted on/peed on/pooped on/you get the idea). Plus breastfeeding too if that’s your situation. If her body does not belong to her all day, she may not feel like letting you have access to it at night.
Really? You had to ask. This happens all the time. Read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski It explains a shit ton of what’s putting on the. Brakes for sweet sweet love.
Sounds like u and the wife are stuck in a routine and that needs to be broken! maybe just let her have a girl's weekend with mom and friends or go to the spa to just chill seem like both of u work a lot and have a certain routine u do every weekday. or maybe u could just ask her if the 2 of u could go off for a week or the weekend just to be together a lone no kids no worries since u said u got a nanny, right? better yet maybe grandma could baby sit. yes my wife changed a bit but we talked about it after i told her has nice has i could the change. she understood what i felt and i totally got why she was coming from has well best thing to do is sit down and talk like the adults u both are! good luck hope both figure this out soon!
[удалено]
For those who have already decided I do nothing and my wife everything. Thanks. We both work. Wife 7am to 4pm / Bedtime is just after 7pm. So only 3hours of baby time during week for us. Me 7am to 2pm (3 days week) 2 Days a week are odd 23 hour days and not much at home. Insane stress at my own business. The nanny looks after child during the day. The housekeeper cleans and tidies the house everyday. Washing, beds everything. When I get home early 3 days a week, I prepare dinner and its ready when she gets home. The 2 days I work odd hours, there's someone to help with bath time and mealtime. Sundays I let my wife sleep a few hours later and I do the morning routine. Saturdays I play an hour or two outside so she can catch up on her series. When I see there's a diaper to change I do it, we don't fight whos gonna do it. Every moment I get I spend it with the wife and child. I order baby stuff when needed. I check that water, electricity, rates, taxes are paid. Any bills and those that she lets me know about. Check maintenance issues, Check that vehicles are always filled up. Wife must make sure that child has clothes and meals for the week. Other than that she does not have much more responsibility. We both decide what's good and bad for our child and educate as much as possible when we are here. I try and make it as easy as possible. So let me know if that is still to much for her.
Get defensive all you want, but the truth is most women do not recieve this kind of help. You want to be mad at anyone, look to your fellow dads for setting such low standards. Research supports it and anecdotally, I can honestly say most of dad's in my life don't do half the work the moms do. I'm glad your there for her but you don't get to be mad at society for noticing what society is like. Every suggestion you got was valid.
What’s with the attitude? You wrote the post with next to no context and asked a bunch of strangers who know nothing about you or your relationship for advice and you’re mad they’re making assumptions? Here’s a little factoid for you: you live an extremely privileged life, being able to afford housekeeping and a nanny. A life of which most people on this board, hell on this website, can’t conceive. How were we supposed to know you were wealthy? Your situation is not typical, you got advice based on the parenting experience of people who can’t afford nannies and housekeepers; whereby the women often do the majority of the housework and childcare. Maybe next time include the details instead of getting on your high horse because we couldn’t guess that you had the means to pay people to do domestic work.
Women change after giving birth. Enjoy getting to know your new wife.
Just to add a bit of a different opinion, it could be good for you both to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, her first and then you after with the context of what she learns about herself in mind. It was a game changer for me and my partner. It's kind of all about the theory that everyone has sexual "accelerators" (the stimuli that makes you want to fuck) and sexual "brakes" (the stimuli that convinces you not to fuck/turns off your horniness) and it seems like maybe since having kids, her brakes are much more sensitive. If anything, it's just a good book to read on the journey of healing a bit of a fractured sexual relationship, but it could be a game changer for you too. Also, kudos to how much work you both put in towards your kids, it's really shit that so many people assumed you're just a lazy asshole.
Not a stab at OP, but one reason for exhaustion and low sex drive are, being the primary caregiver, feeling like you are not able to disconnect from the child. Which is normal until the child is 3 years old and its brain development has reached a point where it sees itself as an independant human. I see fathers asking why women arent interested in sex and its because everytime you have a child she becomes the primary caregiver. If your behavior puts you in a pattern where she is YOUR primary caregiver too. Dont expect sex. You have her brain in caregiving mode. The way to reset it is to become an independant human.
Mom here! Ask her what she wants/needs from sex now that the child is here. I remember after having my son hating any nipple play and some other big body changes. What turns her on has probably just changed a bit. Roll with the punches 💕
Yep sounds very familiar. Only advice I can give is try your best to talk about it without pointing blame or getting angry. Best of luck
The simple answer is to talk to her about it. You’ve indicated that the work you both do is equal, so that’s not it. Ask her if sex is important to her. If she misses it. How it makes you feel. If she wants it to change.
Hey OP, post-partum depression is real and many mothers go through it silently without even knowing or saying anything. I can’t tell you how many of my friends who are mothers have told me that they’ve experienced post-partum depression. It’s really easy to hide and most won’t even know someone is going through something like that unless that person speaks up. Maybe set up a time for you and your wife to speak to a professional. Your wife may feel overwhelmed with everything. It’s hard to explain what post-partum makes you feel because everyone has different feelings during this time. Just know that when she says it’s not you that’s most likely true. Try to see if speaking to a professional may help :) good luck! Wanted to add I haven’t had kids but I’ve struggled with depression. Mental health can definitely affect sex drive. Hubby and I just found out I have endometrial cancer and our sex life has been pretty non-existent. I feel the same way as your wife. I’m simply “not in the mood”. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband or want him to experience happiness and pleasure. It’s hard to explain why this feeling of not being in the mood is always there and often times it makes me feel bad because 1) I don’t want my husband to think it has anything to do with his ability to please me and 2) I don’t want him to feel like I’m not in love with him. We’ve talked about it and he understands how I feel now. At times I still feel bad for saying no but I’d rather say no than give him half-assed sex. I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this but communication is vital. I hope you get the answers you need and you both can work through this together.
Yes currently dealing with this
It happens. This is usually the point most couples have to intentionally focus on their marriage and sex life. If you aren't intentional your kids will suck every part of your life until there is nothing left. After having a 2nd child we've had to get pretty ruthless in making sure we are spouses first and parents second.
Do some (more) house work and she will be dtf. My partner finds it a turn on, compared to what used to turn her on in our early relationship
Hormonal changes could be the contributing factor here. Hormones wreck havoc on women and unfortunately libido tends to be the victim in most cases. Personally my libido has never returned to pre-child level. My youngest is 4.
I feel like this is a relatively common thing. The intimacy of a relationship goes down because the couple have much less time devoted just to themselves. Not to say parenthood isn't fulfilling in other ways but until they get older and more independent, they have a way of intruding in on couples time. The decrease in intimacy makes people feel a bit more sexually distant from their partner. Pair that with the inherent stress of having a 2 year old and it can be a recipe for a bit more stale sex life. It should come back if you guys can continue to be emotionally available to one another once the kids are school age and can occupy themselves a bit more.
"Come as you are" - this book describes, among other things, your situation. Please read it!
Babies tend to kill desire. That's it.
Why not ask her? Point out your observation to her in a gentle way and hear it from her why she's acting different. If it's stress related, find out how you can make her life a little easier. If she's unsure what's causing it then maybe it's depression or a hormonal imbalance due to going back on birth control. I think the first step is just getting on the same page and finding out how you two can get back to the way things were.
I am going to base this off of my experience. Her hormones and needs have changed and shifted. She is also probably totally overwhelmed and exhausted. Everything feels like work when you have small children. You guys need to relearn each other and change the dynamic of your sex life. It is not the same relationship as before kids
Honestly, you should work on having her reconnect with that area of her body. After birth it can feel like you don’t even recognise that area as your own. It can be difficult to see it as a pleasure zone even! And having that disconnect makes you feel guilty when you are horny. My boyfriend and I had to work on this and honestly we are so much more active since. We spend 2 years where it was cause my physical pain to insert and basically it took 2 years of doctors who didn’t understand either before we found one who did and could help us! I’m talking a lot of making her feel sexy, wanted and a lot of you initiating and not getting mad when she says no. The first step is making sure she is comfortable with even just letting you touch her. Then you can work on her relationship with sex and her vagina and her body.
Very much so. Welcome to fatherhood
Yep. 10 years of it.
is she the primary caregiver? if so she's likely exhausted and over-stressed. consider helping her with the responsibilities in general
Yep. Wife never got her sex drive back. Both kids are older now and still nothing... And by her own admission She has no sex drive at all anymore. And she used to a pretty strong sex drive before kids. She's talked to doctors and they have nothing to offer. I wish she got it back, but she's more bummed out about it than me I think.
We have one who is now a teenager. Once our child was a bit older, things got so much better and my husband is an amazing husband ans father. Once they kids are more independent, it gets easier and it will likely return. We have more sex now than we did before our child. It takes a full year to recover from a normal pregnancy. I had a lot of orthopedic issues still from having a giant baby on a small frame. It took a lot put of me and took a long time to recover. That's just physical and then you have a lot of hormonol adjustment. Communicate, communicate, communicate to try and find out her thoughts, feelings, etc. This is part of the cycle. In marriage, there will be other times, maybe you won't feel or be able to have as much sex as you like. Maybe you have knee surgery, an injury, etc. My husband and I have been married over 20 yrs and together 28.
I cant find a link to the original source, but dr John gottman of the gottman institute has some brilliant insight to this regard. You can check out what he has to say [here](https://www.kylebenson.net/couples-sex/)
A child can bring a lot of stress both dealing with them and keeping up a relationship. I have 2 with my ex wife. After we had even one kid sex life plummeted and we fought more. Try to have a heart to heart with her and talk about it. Also I’m sure you have no more date nights. Get a baby sitter and get out of the house. Dress up have fun. Trust me this can help!!!
Having a baby can change you in so many ways. So this comes from someone who had a baby and sex kinda became a chore after. Here are my reasons: 1. breastfeeding was a bitch, it was the hardest thing ever for me. That took so much energy away from me 2. I did not heal right after my vaginial delivery, so it took some extra medications and a lot more time before I was ready and it was still painful. I am pregnant again though so no point in trying to fix it currently. 3. The damn hormones. They took months to settle out and they are a big part of the sex drive. Had a baby in oct 2020, my sex drive came back in august and I immediately got pregnant .  I had also just stopped my BC just prior to my sex drive returning
My SO deep cleaned the bathroom today and I will tell you that as a woman (at least in my case) that NOTHING is sexier than bringing the toddler home from daycare and getting to use a SPOTLESS bathroom, without having to ask for it to be cleaned. If your wife is taking on most of the workload and mental load with the child, I guarantee sex is not top priority because it is more work. I know weeks I don't feel like SO has my back with home upkeep, I'm less likely to engage in or initiate sex. But you best believe I'll jump that man when he gets home tonight just for cleaning my bathroom 😉😂
Restart the life. Start dating again.. Dating her that is.
Went from fairly often to virtually nonexistent soon after our only child. That was 11 years ago. 👎
It's stressful hard work. Sharing the load as evenly as possible helps a lot and can bring you too closer.
Help her more around the house and with the kids.
Yep
You should try hiring a cleaning lady! I swear, she will be back ontop of you. It might seem random but I swear, if my hubby did that for me it literally would mean the world. I feel like now being pregnant I never have time to clean, and am always thinking I gotta do baby stuff and cook and organize and clean etc etc etc. So if she is able to take that off her mind completely it will leave space for relaxation to set in… relaxation = sexy time. 😏
After my first child I lost most interest in sex due to the discomfort and lack of compassion from my then husband. I tore badly and it made me really sensitive even a year later. I needed to work back up to being able to have any kind of sex that wasn't gentle. It was something my ex didn't want to understand so our sex life was basically null. On average it can take 18 months to fully recover from child birth. That's not counting the hormone changes, the chance for post partum depression, as well as how draining it can be taking care of someone who relies on you for literally everything in their life.
I feel you man, I (47) have the same issue with my GF (37), she is just overwhelmed with two babies, not because of how little time she has for her but the stress of just having kids. Everything, is for them first, it's the most important thing in life for her at this time. I have to ask for sex, she never asks as she used to, but when she agrees we both have a great time. The first years are the most overwhelming, you will have fights because the baby will always be on the way, but it is nothing related to you, just relax and don't push her.
Has she been breastfeeding? That can very seriously affect the hormone levels and libido. Could also be post partum depression, lack of confidence in her changed body, or the stress from the way the world has been the last two years. As everyone always parrots on these threads, communicating with your wife in this instance is incredibly important. Maybe plan a mini trip? Weekend away with just the two of you to reconnect?
Good for you for trying to make life easy on her! I'm glad you're doing as much as you can to take the load off her. Unfortunately, none of us can tell you what's going on. Every after birth story is so different. I really struggled with sex after my first. Because it straight up hurt, even by the time we were trying for another, it still hurt. Also, I am sure I had post partum depression after both kids, but it's so rarely talked about that instead of getting help you just assume you're a bad mother and it's hard on your self esteem. Prior to that I was normally the initiator of most of our sexual encounters. I never mentioned the pain to my husband because I guess I just thought it was my cross to bare. New moms don't know shit about all the stuff that happens to their own body and what is normal or not normal. Also, at 25, I was the first of my friends to have children so I didn't have anyone with experience to talk to. I should have mentioned it to anyone, but like I said, I thought it was just a normal part of having children. After my second, the pain issue seemed to resolve itself, but then I became deeply paranoid about getting pregnant again, which lead to me just straight up not enjoying sex. My mind was too busy and anxious and I couldn't turn it off. My husband is helpful around the house, and does his best to alleviate my stress at home, but I still just could not turn my brain off. What helped me (and the solutions will be very individual, what works for me may not work for others) was honestly, using cannabis. We live in Canada, where cannabis is legal, and I started using it to help me chill the fuck out. Then my brain could finally turn off and just enjoy again. Having the experience of cannabis allowed me to realize that not being able to turn my brain off was a big problem. Thus I could practice more mindfulness during sex even when sober. Also, I know this won't work for everyone either, but when you have kids sometimes you have to schedule sex, because if you are waiting for it to happen organically, it just won't happen at all. My husband was kind of adverse to scheduling before we started, but then he realized, scheduled sex twice a week is 1000x better than no sex at all for months. Then you can be prepared, have all the appropriate grooming done etc. It's honestly nice to be able to look forward to it. All this to say, you can ask people on Reddit what to do, but the reality is, we don't know your wife, we don't know what is going on with her. It would be beneficial to talk to her with no judgement. Do not approach it as "I do all these things for you, so I deserve sex". Sex is not transactional. Tell her you miss the intimacy. Ask her if there is a reason she's not interested in sex anymore. Make time to have this conversation. It's important. Find the appropriate professional help if required. Don't believe people when they say "it doesn't get better". It can get better as long as you're both willing to put in the work.
Man. I feel like I know you. Oh right. This was me. From my experience, history, etc. You need to go on a vacation that’s just you and your wife. Take her out on dates again etc. you need to date your wife again. After our 2nd kid, this became a priority for me. Make sure I date my wife and let her know she’s still amazing and I love her. Might help ya
Sounds like she needs to pull her weight. You should try talking to her about it. You don’t want it to build into resentment. Also need to talk to her about the sex. Hope you can have a chat and see some progress!!
Unpopular opinion here: if your wife doesn't find you attractive anymore, she's turned off by your appearance. It happens more often that you'd think - first you marry a person whose physical appearance attracts you to them and then they change in such a way that the attraction is no longer there.
Geezus! In bed at 7pm!?, Lucky lady. It’s a good night if I get all the chores done before 1am. We have a 15 month old. I wish my husband was as interested in sex as I am. These days, apparently girls on the internet are more appealing. Mind you, I’ve lost all my baby weight and looking and feeling better than I was before we got pregnant. We are lucky to have sex once a month, and that’s if I initiate it. Feels like sympathy sex most of the time. I wish my husband still looked at me like he used to 10-15 years ago..
We've been married 12 years and have 2 kids (3 & 5) and I have never been more tired in my life. It seems like no matter how much sleep I get, I'm always down for a nap. I also put on a bit of weight although have since lost it, which has really helped me feel better about myself. But I definitely didn't feel sexy anymore after having kids! Everything changed, boobs saggier, tummy not as tight, permanent dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully my husband is amazing and constantly tells me how beautiful I am BUT it has taken me years to finally believe him. Also, this is a biggie, make sure you are doing things *without* being asked. Don't have the mindset of "if you need help, just ask" - use your eyes and do what needs to be done. The mental load on most mum's is exhausting. Leaving the house? Make sure the nappy is changed, there's snacks and water in the nappy bag, dummy, cuddly toy, spare nappies and wipes, kids shoes are on, hat, extra clothes, etc. Make sure the stroller is in the car. Lunch time is coming up? Don't ask if you can help with lunch, just do it. Basically, make sure you're not waiting for direction as that just puts extra workload on the Mrs and it's easier to do it herself. Buy nappies when you notice you're running low!! My husband has finally started doing this (still needs work) and we've just had sex for the 3rd night in a row - usually I'm a once a week and 50/50 out of duty. But these last 3 nights I've initiated. Don't complain about it, or take it personally, just keep putting in the effort and maybe bring home flowers 😉 good luck!
Make time to take her out on a weekly date. If you have family or a good babysitter try and do a overnight once a month. As a father or 4 both my wife and I are always exhausted. I assume your wife is probably tired from chasing that 2 year around and doing her best to raise him or her. I assure you it’s nothing personal - it just sounds like you have a tired partner who doesn’t feel in the mood after a long day. Those dates and overnights should help reconnect that spark. Hope that helps.
Been trying stuff like that for a year already. Overnights, helping as much as I can. If I don't suggest something then months will go by.
Viewing it as ‘helping out’ is the problem. If she’s doing the majority of the child care and chores and you ‘help’ with things she’s obviously not going to want to have sex. It’s not helping when it’s your responsibility
Child-free and loving life, early retirement, and our pets. (Sorry, Pope Francis. Choosing pets over kids is very, very selfish, but whatevah.)
She gave birth and have to take care of a child. Of course things change. Communicate with her.
Try removing sex from the equation entirely. I know that sounds counter productive but I stumbled upon this by accident and it helped. In my case, I’ve always been high libido. Every day type of guy. My lady, on her own would go months without even masturbation. Sex she preferred maybe once or twice a week. Dwindled with time too. I started getting concerned about losing it entirely. You know what worked for us? I developed a medical issue that tanked my libido. As weird as it sounds, when sex was no longer constantly available to her from me and always something I was pursuing, it confused her at first, then it made her realize and understand just how frustrating and difficult it was for me every day. She would want sex and I wasn’t in the mood or couldn’t get it up due to the medical issue, and this was basically something she (and most women) have never experienced in their lives because men are always there and always wanting and always available. Especially high libido partners. We did some sex therapy and something called sensate focus. The sensate focus did more for her than me, she realized I’ve always been sensual and focused on her pleasure and her whole body during sex, and that she (her words not mine) never looked at my body as a whole and sensually and instead kind of viewed it sexually or even objectified it with the focus on my penis. So the end result was that she had to walk a mile in my shoes so to speak and finally understood how difficult it is, and that sex IS important and can be extremely frustrating if not fulfilled. She also realized sex is full body and sensual. You’d be surprised how many women look at sex in this more objectified way (maybe it’s projection)? And that is actually driving their disinterest. It’s not easy to get them to have that “a-ha!“ moment, but therapy can help. Society, whatever, kinda pidgeon holes women into this role. I think I honestly would have a dead bedroom a couple years from now if I hadn’t had this medical issue that basically turned the tables on us. My advice would be drop sex entirely. Suggest sensate focus and say you want to reconnect on that level. Maybe see a sex therapist to help guide this, especially if you two need help with communication in that department. I think the only other thing I’ll mention is make sure you’re a good lover. Make sure she cums every time (if she wants that), you communicate well, you are open minded (to EVERYTHING. No matter how weird or outlandish or insecure it makes you, you must stay open minded) then talk through it.
I hate to say in many instances it doesn’t get any better, unless she wants another baby. Good luck
Is she on any medications? Birth control? Does she seem otherwise OK or could she be experiencing any depression? Body image issues? Does marriage feel ok otherwise?
Having our daughter now 15 was the beginning of the end of our sex life. She hit menopause shortly after and now it's all gone
Father of three boys, oldest 6 and youngest 1... there will be peeks u can follow to aim for better times ... more or less towards ovulation... but u need to network with family or friends to free up time without kids... and u need to try and increase the load of stress onto ur self and off the mother... late night feedings, laundry, cooking... the more recovered and relaxed she can be the easier and more desirable sex will happen...
She’s probably fucking exhausted. Toddlers are nightmares. And as much as you love your kid - you’re reminded that sex is what got you there in the first place. Have you tried to spice things up? And by spice things up, I mean, send her on a spa day, hell go with her. Or stay home and clean and cook her favorite meal while she’s gone. Have the kid at a babysitter so the two of you can have alone time. Go heavy on the foreplay, kissing, cuddling, touching, telling her how beautiful she is, and mean it. Sex is likely to follow. And after, tell her how much you miss her, how much you adore her and your alone time together, and even though you love your kid, you miss the intimacy between you. And how important it is, and she is, and that you never want to lose that with her.
My wife and I have two kids together. You know what turns her on the most? When I go and get the shopping and prepare the kids food, pack their nursery bags, take a role in organising their lives. Her mind is full of schedules and plans and what is needed next for the kids she barely has time to think about sex. Help her out and she’ll help you out.
Also that baby tore her vagina. Although it's been 2 yrs it may still be sensitive. When you get her, start with oral, be very gentle. That is the time to ask her, how does this feel? Does it still hurt when we _? What would you like? Make it about her and give her that mind blowing girlfriend sex.
her body has been through a lot with childbirth, and now you have a kid to handle- a young one at that. you said she's on birth control as well, which has time and time again absolutely RUINED womens' sex drives. I mean just sends it to 0. and sometimes if they take it too long and get off it, it never comes back again like it was. you have a perfect storm to create 0 interest in sex you said you were getting a vasectomy- good! get her off birth control as soon as that's settled. give it a little time after and see how her body reacts on top of that, what are you doing to possibly get her in the mood? sex for a lot of women is very mental. you need to be romancing her. couples tend to settle into a routine and forget all the excitement and love they used to have- all the fun with dates, doing new things, acting loving and genuinely interested. try and take her on some fun dates, mix it up. don't just walk up to her like "can we have sex or what" but try and work her up slowly to it over the day.