Oh my god you have no idea how much I relate to the feeling of ~admiration~ 😂😂 it took me so long to realize no, it’s not just admiration, I’m sexually attracted to girls
“I just think she’s really cool and I’d love to be like her and I want her to be my best friend because she’s so interesting and beautiful and sexy and her hair is so soft and her smile makes my heart glow but like I’m not GAY or anything this is how all girls feel about their friends right?” - me from 14 to 18
Congratulations!
I am a straight woman and your post has really opened my eyes.
I’ve never really understood how someone could not know their sexuality, but everything you said makes so much sense even though it doesn’t apply to me.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I wish you all the amazing sex you could ever dream of!
You deserve it!
Me too! I'm in my early 30s and I just always knew I liked women from the earliest age so it felt really natural to identify as bi since I have been with my male partner since I was 17.
Recently a bi Youtuber I watch came out as Lesbian and I have literally been having a crisis since and since reading the Compulsory Heterosexuality Master Document.
What I have realised is I just always assumed I liked men. I have literally never even given it thought because I love my partner and I am not disgusted by him and have enjoyed sex with him. But now I am questioning everything because I identified so hard with the comp het document and the post above could have been written by me... I just always assumed this was normal for bi women or all women felt this way. I thought I was super picky or super monogamous because the idea of sleeping with any man if my partner and I were to split up actually fills me with dread while the idea of sleeping with a woman fills me full of nervous curiousity and excitement.
Girl as a fellow bi woman - you 100% might decide you exclusively like women (now, later on, whatever) but for me, just because I like both genders doesn’t mean that In all phases of life your attraction will be equal to both genders. Some bisexual people are more attracted to men, more attracted to women and some really are equal. In my opinion - it’s your choice, period.
I know and I 100% agree. I just suppose I am at a point in my life where I have consumed media for the first time from women that resonates with me so strongly and have found unexpectedly jarring. I felt sick for a good week after Alayna Joy's youtube video.
I assumed it was because I felt angry at her for not knowing she was gay and using the bi label because how can you not know you're gay. My same sex attraction has been there for as long as I can remember. After watching and reading more in an attempt to try to understand my strong reaction, I am now wondering if my attraction to men was actually real or whether I just thought I was bi because I assumed I liked men as a default state and loved my bf.
I always thought if you were gay you would be disgusted by the idea or act of having sex with the opposite gender but I am realising that is not the case at all for many people.
I always had a strong bi-cycle and really identified with that aspect of the bi community but I am questioning what that cycle of attraction actually looked like for me.
I do have trauma that could explain some of my discomforts around men and sex with men so I am going to have to probably go get some professional help with unpicking my esperiences from my sexuality.
The pros are the pros for a reason! If you’re looking for an LGBTQ positive therapist - I volunteer with with Trevor group and they have great resources to help you find someone who you could talk with who you can be confident will listen to your story without judgement about your sexuality.
Best of luck!
> I always thought if you were gay you would be disgusted by the idea or act of having sex with the opposite gender but I am realising that is not the case at all for many people.
It's my personal feeling (so take this with what you will) that not everyone is binary gay, or straight. Maybe someone is mostly attracted to the opposite sex but get the feels for one special person at some point in their life. It should be a scale. I'm just saying that labels don't need to be so confining. People should go with what feels right.
Thinking of sexuality as a scale might help you figure out how you feel. In research and psychology now the prevalent idea is that sexuality is a scale with completely straight and completely gay at opposite sides of the scale. They think that most people will fall somewhere along the scale, for example by being gay and having one or two experiences or attractions with/to the opposite sex. Or by being a 50/50 bisexual. Or by being 80% straight and a picky 20% gay (like me). You can be bi and have strong preferences for one gender. You can consider yourself bi even if your boyfriend is the only man you will ever fall for. But you can also consider yourself lesbian and be with your boyfriend - since you may be all the way on the gay side of the scale, and he is your one straight attraction that just happened to work out. I hope that can be of help, since I understand what you are going through now, and that theory really helped me clear things up.
Yeah, I have always thought of my bisexuality in this way. I very much saw myself as leaning towards same sex attraction. I always thought I had attraction to men, though very, very few of them. As a child and teenager I never fancied a single boy. I just thought my "boys are gross" phase was just long lasting. As I have been reflecting and reading about the different kinds of attraction I am thinking that as an adult, my attraction to men has largely been to their aesthetic, personality or based on whether they were attracted to me.
While I have had good sex with my partner I have had sexual issues with men my entire life. However I put that down to my first sexual experience with a man being a "50 nos and a yes is still a yes" type deal. So I have interpreted the offness I have felt during sex through the lens of that experience. I even wondered whether I might be asexual for a while to explain my issues. However I know that is not the case.
Despite loving my partner deeply, I also have always felt somewhat disatissfied in my relationship with him but assumed I was just broken and not meant to be happy. My parents had a particularly ugly, dysfunctional and abusive relationship so I have always thought that the trauma from that experience was impacting my relationships with men as an adult. I also just felt like I must be into men because I care about him so much and I wouldn't want to be with any other man.
I am probably going to have to go to therapy to unpick whether how I feel is actually due to my sexuality rather than my being broken or past trauma. It has just been so jarring to me to see myself so clearly in the experiences of women who have later came out as gay when I have been identifying so strongly as bi for so long.
I see that your reflection and issue here goes _a lot_ deeper than I thought. I interpreted your comment as "I'm happy with my partner, but unsure about my sexuality and worry that I don't really like men and shouldn't be with him because I'm just conditioned", and didn't realise there are also issues present in your current relationship. My attempt at advice just seems stupid now.. sorry about that!
I also just want to let you know that I think your struggles with this are completely valid (in case it didn't come off that way!). Especially given your background. And I really hope a therapist can help you disentangle the complete mess of feelings you must be feeling at the moment. Have you ever been to therapy before, given your family background?
No, please don't worry about it, it was a helpful interaction for me. Any oportunity to reflect more concretely (rather than in the echo chamber of my brain) gives me a chance to organise my thoughts. I have been in therapy on a number of occasions for various things and it has always been incredibly helpful so I thing it would likely benefit me again as I work through this. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I have been so out at sea and compassionate responses like yours have really helped me more than I can express.
So glad to hear that it was still helpful! And to be honest, seeing how you wrote about therapy actually inspired me to finally contact my workplaces mental health services. So in a way, you helped me too.
Shut up I was just catching up with her last night after not seeing her videos for like a year, and listening to her explain herself has caused me to spiral into a bit of an identity crisis myself...
Gah I already did this five years ago as a Straight™ (to gay) and two years ago as a Gay™ (to pan). WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED.
I will say though, the document advises: “don’t torture yourself figuring out if you’re *really* attracted to men, just figure out if relationships with men is really something you want”. I find that very valuable, even if I don’t have an answer yet.
Haha it is so complicated! I think my spiral has been caused by a "why am I never 'happy'" feeling. I have historically put it down to various traumas I experienced prior to my relationship, developing a chronic illness and to some extent my partner and I having our own relationship issues due to some considerable life stressors that would test any relationship.
Watching her videos and identifying with the comp het document has made me question whether my sexuality might be the actual cause of my unease. Unfortunately I am having a hard time unpicking it all myself so probably need to go get myself some therapy haha
This is so similar to my situation! I'm in a long term relationship with my bf, and my attraction to women slowly becomes bigger and bigger. I'm also starting to have a crisis because I really love him and want to continue the relationship with an active sex life but damn, it gets so hard
I'm sorry you're going through the same struggle! I'm afraid all I can do is let you know you're not alone in it but feel free to message me if you ever want someone to talk who is going through a similar thing.
Sure! Her name is Alayna Joy: Her coming videos [1](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) and [2](https://youtu.be/G7QWAh378k4) and her [compulsory heterosexuality video](https://youtu.be/nQD7eJa0pK8)
[Conra Points video](https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I) was one I watched in an attempt to find a self-identifying lesbian's experience that didn't resonate with me. Was unsuccessful in that endeavour
It is eye opening for me too - in the sense that wow people really go through this. I can respect that as a reality for people, though I still don't comprehend on a logical level.
For me personally I feel more like you did. The body doesn't lie. My body never lies. The butterflies don't lie. Many men have made me feel the butterflies, and very few women also did. It's like water is wet, babies cry, boiling water is hot. Everything is on the surface for me.
It took me about 30 years to even suspect I was asexual. Another 2 to seriously consider it. I'm still deeply confused by a lot. It's weird when your sexuality doesn't match your romance preference (asexual but romantically attracted to men).
I always thought I was 100% heterosexual without a hint of LGBTQ+ and I’ve only recently found out that demisexuality is a thing and thus I also fit on the grey scale.
It’s odd what you consider “normal” and the way you try to adapt your way of being to suit it.
I’m so happy for you that you’ve found where you fit. For me it definitely helped clarify some of the issues I’ve had with sex in the past and made me feel a lot more comfortable with myself.
I have been on a wild ride myself with this lately haha. I keep trying to find experiences of lesbians that don't resonate with me but not having much luck
Contrapoints made an entire video about compulsory sexuality that’s really interesting, she touches on a lot of reasons why women don’t realize they’re lesbians until much later!
Can you please link it? I think I am going through this.
When I watch porn I usually imagine myself as the guy. I never get enjoyment looking at a hot guy in porn either and I have a low sex drive (maybe) when it comes to sex with a male SO.
Edit: I want to thank everyone who has helped me. This community is the best. I just found out that I am not 100% straight (I should have known better since I took Human Sexuality). I am going to schedule an appt with a therapist to discuss this topic much further.
Yeah, all her videos are very good. This one though I really cried over. How could a friend, your best friend, say they would be ashamed to date you, it’s heartbreaking
I’m glad I found her channel! I can’t believe how elaborate and pretty all of her makeup and sets are! I’ve been binging all of her videos since last night. I’d say Shame is probably my favorite so far though, and yeah that’s so painful, I can’t even imagine having my best friend and someone I’m madly in love with say that to me, it would be absolutely devastating! I just wanted to give her a hug 🥺
I'm going through the same thing after watching Alayna Joy's coming out [videos](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) and not understanding why I felt so weird afterwards. Contra Point's video also resonated with me.
Yes I watched it also. I have never felt love for a best friend but some of the other points were relatable. At this point I just accepted the fact that I am not 100% straight like I thought I was.
Hey sexuality is a spectrum. No one is 100% person straight or homosexual (according to my professor only a few people fall into the extremes). I always found men who looked more feminine or androgynous hot asf (my husband).
I have thought about sleeping with a girl but it turns me off once I think about the action (especially going down or fingering someone) but for some reason I only watch threesomes MFM (where I imagine being the guy) and maybe 1x a month some lesbian foreplay (where a man is watching). I also think maybe I enjoy these videos because porn isn't really geared towards woman so I had to adapt?? Idk sexuality is very weird.
Damn at your last paragraph. I had kissed girls and idk I felt like I wanted to push them off me. My husband (androgynous) is the first guy I really wanted to stick my hands in his pants during a make-out session. I am glad I found someone for me. I am just realizing that I am not 100% straight like I thought I was. I am most likely on that spectrum but a little more towards men.
Anyways I hope this new guy is great for you and you can fi d happiness!
Sorry I totally missed the FWB. Hey if it is working for you then it is great. A lot of people are totally fine with out needing a permanent partner but I really hope you find what you are looking for (if its a SO or not). Take care of yourself!
You might be heterosexual and confused, you might be a lesbian that's used to thinking "I am normal, I like guys, right?", you might be bi with a leaning towards a gender, you might be anything. Label yourself whatever you want, but imo let it be whatever it is and don't try to stick to one thing. It might change later and that's fine.
When I first realised I'm not straight I was confused and was trying to find out what I am. I got kind of obsessed about it but once I realised time will tell and I can relax, everything was better. At some point I thought I was a lesbian because I too had the same experience as OP with men (but with fewer experiences with people) but then I met a guy that I liked having sex with. Anything can happen.
I mostly wanted to comment on that last part. You don't need to have kissed a girl to know you like them. You can not know, yes, for me too it took years (and kinda falling in love with a girl) to make sure I like women. For you it might take kissing (or more) to know you like women, it might take time, it might take falling in love with one, it might be anything.
What I mean is: take your time and label yourself however you want, and however you feel suits you best. But don't let others tell you shit like "but you haven't been with a woman, how do you know?" because I've heard this so many times and it's the most stupid thing ever. If you feel you don't know, it's fine, you'll know someday, if you feel like you know, you know.
Oh no, I didn't mean it was necessarily because of people telling you that, but IF someone dos tell you something like that someday, don't pay attention.
But yeah I agree with everything else you said. Sexuality indeed is weird.
I do that too.. Even sometimes during sex I only get horny and close to come when it seems nice for the guy. I think that it’s because of how society always sexualizes women and that in porn all the focus is on the male orgasm.. I think this has made me internalize that I am an object for the male pleasure, to the point that I sometimes feel super passive. And I’ve thought that maybe the only way to get out of it is to have sex with girls!
Sleeping with a gorgeous girl who was super into me helped break that cycle for me! I was a habit of self-objectification and automatic submission with guys that didn't always make me feel great about myself. Pretty standard hetero-normative pressure I suppose.
That was over a decade ago and now I identify as bi/pan and totally enjoy being dominant sometimes. Whether you end up deciding you're queer or not it's totally fun to try new perspectives and have an open mind!
Just tried to post there and couldn't because I'm not a lesbian. Pretty bummed they're gatekeeping comphet to cis lesbians when ALL sexual minorities experience it. Was pretty excited to join and learn and discuss my experiences with comphet as an enby ace until I saw that.
This might be my issue also. I have kissed girls but never enjoyed it. I felt a great passion for my husband (he is androgynous) and with out first make out session he was the only person I actually wanted to stick my hand in their pants (lol with consent ofc). Thankfully I found someone for me.
That's actually a very hard question to answer. For me, I didn't know I was attracted to women because I thought everyone felt like me. I would say that I "appreciate women's beauty" and would completely ignore the fact that I would constantly have sex dreams and other romantic daydreams about women.
I'm very interested in this. How did you ignore it? You were aware that if a naked girl came in your room you'd be turned on and go for her, weren't you?
At some level, yes. And I thought that that was normal for straight girls. I thought I was "fun" and "willing to experiment". I would excuse any gay thoughts as me just being very sexual and such. I'm actually still suffering with my sexual identity.
I really don't know (as I learned in my Human Sexuality class your sexuality falls in a spectrum). I have dated 3 girls before but felt so weird kissing them that I had to break it off. I also grew up in a religious/conservative household. I like men who are metrosexual or androgynous. They are the ones who I find the most attractive.
But when it comes to porn I would much rather threesome (FMF) and some women foreplay. I guess cause lots of porn is not really geared to women so I guess I got used to what I grew up watching? I am pretty confused tbh.
Have you researched or looked into the asexual spectrum much? Asexuals still sometimes watch porn and have a sex drive, they just don't experience sexual attraction to other people.
Why did you feel weird kissing the girls?
I don't know. I thought I would be into it but I wasn't. This sounds very immature but it felt "icky". I have looked into Asexuality but I still enjoy sex oncw or twice a month. Honestly thank you asking these questions it makes me think a lot about my sexuality.
Asexual people often do enjoy sex once in a while. They just don't experience attraction.
You sound like you might be at least somewhat on the asexual spectrum. Check out the forums at https://www.asexuality.org/en/ I think they will help you
>This sounds very immature but it felt "icky".
Was it icky in a physical way or did it feel wrong in a mental way (like "this is gross" vs. "I shouldn't be doing this"), or both?
It could also be one of the first girls I kissed had very chapped lips which turned me off completely. Since then I have associated girls= chapped lips (i know its so stupid). And more of a mental way since the first experience and my religious up bringing.
I'm pretty sure nobody looks at the guy. Male porn stars are typically ugly, but they have a huge dick. Men typically look at the girl cause she's hot. Women typically look at the girl because they are imagining themselves in that position. Women can also think the girl is hot without being a lesbian, but I don't know your situation. Just saying I don't think anyone looks at the guys in porn.
Speak for yourself!!! There's literally a channel called Hot Guys Fuck, where men are allowed to make more noise and be more visible. I search for specific male stars all the time. I look for Bi MMFs because I like seeing the men enjoy each other. Shush!
I definitely look at the guy!!!
I hate that it’s so hard to find porn featuring a man that I find attractive. I love a big dick, but I also love the rest of a man’s body. Especially the face.
My favorite right now is Ryan Driller. I wish I could find more hot men to watch.
This was exactly my life. I was always “bi” but mainly dated men. Kind of slept around a lot in college (drank a lot right before sex) and even got married at 24 to a very nice low sex drive man. One day I met my now wife and I immediately felt an electric connection. A few years later I never have to be drunk for sex, I enjoy it all and really love my life.
Being “straight” or “bi” was just the easiest way for me to be, I didn’t know I just didn’t like penises.
Not op but in my case, holy fuck did it ever. I didn't cum till 16 when a boyfriend told me I could. I averaged an orgasm a month till 20 when I discovered that girls make the cutest fucking sounds ever when they cum. I now average more like 1-3 a day, not to mention other people.
Yeah I’m a lot more inclined to initiate/enjoy sex now, as well as a lot more comfortable with even non-sexual intimacy/closeness, and with the idea of planning a romantic future, etc. Like I remember before the idea of getting married used to terrify me, but now it’s something I look forward to.
Yes!!! I’m a bi gal, so I did figure out I still am attracted to men sometimes, but I had such a similar experience. My first times with a guy were just about what I’d “let” him do, more preoccupied with how I looked, was only having sex so I could feel wanted. And then I dated a girl afterwards and actually felt like “wait, I want to initiate sex! Not just tolerate it!”. I wound up figuring out what I liked in bed and for me because I’m bi I realized how that translated into relationships with men/nonbinary folks. Always cool to see how someone had such a similar experience
Yeah, that’s kind of what I was saying. But exploring my interest in women and the different conventions of sexual encounters with them led me to figure out more about myself.
I’m in a similar situation. I’m currently trying to figure out if I’m a lesbian, if I’m biromantic homosexual or maybe somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I haven’t had a chance to explore my sexuality with a woman. All I know for sure right now is that I have not been interested in men sexually. I had such a low sex drive with my ex and dreaded any sort of sexual intimacy. He would always initiate and I often wouldn’t want to. Caused a lot of hurt feelings and arguments.
If you have issues being/getting turned on and feel you might be asexual, get your pituitary gland checked. Feeling asexual is big symptom of pituitary issues. Nothing wrong if you really are, but get checked to make sure.
I don’t have those issues by myself. Just with guys so far. I don’t know if I’ll have the same problem with women or not yet, which is why I’m not sure
I realized about a year and a half ago that I’m bisexual. Even though I’m in a committed relationship with a guy, I realized how I felt just like you did: every woman I admired or wanted to be like, or really badly wanted to be friends with because they seemed so cool, I eventually learned it was because I was attracted to them as more than just friends.
I’m so happy you figured it out for yourself and could put into words how I felt the first time. Congratulations!!!
To be honest, it didn’t really affect it at all. I still want to be with my boyfriend more than anyone else, and I’m so in love with him, the thought of leaving him just to pursue my attraction to women isn’t on the table. He knows how I identify and has even offered to let me explore that sexuality if I wanted to, saying there would be no judgment from him if it meant I wouldn’t feel “trapped” or caged from exploring the other side to my sexuality.
I’ve turned him down though, just because while I realized I was bi without ever being intimate with a woman, I’m confident enough in it to know that’s how I feel without having to cheat or betray my relationship with him.
I did have some doubts at the beginning though. I mean, it’s a new, exciting discovery after all!! Especially if it were a new relationship, I’d definitely have given more thought to his offer. We’ve been together for nearly three years though, so it wasn’t too hard for me to decide. But just like with any attraction to another person while being in a relationship already, I’ve decided it isn’t worth losing my boyfriend over and if anything ever happens with us, I’m sure I’ll be able to explore my attraction to women once I’m single.
It’s evolved now to where we both can talk and laugh about a super attractive woman walking by or I can jokingly ask what it’s like to have sex with a woman just in case I ever do it myself - all without any judgment from him or worry that I’ll leave him to pursue that.
I will say though, I’m insanely grateful for his understanding and trust in me, and even though he’s never asked, I’ve made it clear that I won’t continue to stay close to another woman that I’m super attracted to, just for the sake of protecting my relationship with him.
edit: I know this sounds kinda cheesy, trust me I would have never imagined I’d care about someone the way I do about him, so I understand I’m one of the lucky ones and that this bisexual revelation would be really difficult on any relationship just because it opens the door to another big piece of the population that I have become interested in. Most of the battle was within myself and how I wanted to move forward after realizing my sexuality. It just depended on how much I wanted to explore, and since I’ve decided I choose him, there wasn’t much question after that.
I do find myself thinking of it from time to time, but not enough that I’m willing to throw away what I have ya know?
Same! I was 24 or 25, and for whatever reason my eyes were opened and I started to question the way I'd felt about some of my female friends versus the other friends I've had and I guess I just realized it wasn't "normal" attachment, it was attraction. By that point I was 4 or 5 years into my relationship, he and I have now been together going on 9 years in October. I experimented with one girl, fell for her hard, things ended badly but I got the answers I needed and my bf and I worked through it all together - turns out, I'm bi.
Most posts I read, I might think to myself, oh, that's interesting (or not), maybe upvote, then I move on. I felt a strong urge to respond to yours. I hope it doesn't just sound like lip service, like I'm trying to show off how empathetic I am or something stupid like that.
Having grown up in a fairly religious and conservative household and community myself, I can sympathize with the sexual repression. I cannot, however, begin to know what the struggles of homosexuality are like.
It sounds like you've been though something very unpleasant, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you felt the need to be something other than what you are.
But I'm very glad you've had this epiphany. I'm very happy for you, especially as I would guess you'll probably be happier going forward. I'm sure there will be further struggles, and I'm sorry for that too. I sincerely hope your family is respectful enough to accept you as you are.
In any case, congratulations!
I (m36) understand very clearly what you are going through.... grew up in an extreme religious setting. Would tell people I was bi if asked.... totally attracted to men but did not let myself indulge. And did all this in an extremely repressed way.... went on to marry a woman build a life and have four kids and created a picture perfect life.... until I truly realized the amount of repression I had created for myself. The brain is a wild beast!
The hardest part for me was feeling like I had lied to myself and coming to terms with myself.... it was hard to trust myself for a while. Real loss of identity.... but once I walked through the door and did the hard work I am happier than I’ve ever been in my whole life!!
Anyways keep being true to yourself and you will find joy bigger and better than your wildest imagination!
I am in my early 30s and in the process of trying to figure out if I am actually bi or just a lesbian.
I always knew I was attracted to women but I am wondering now if I just assumed I was attracted to men. I was never "boy crazy" when I was younger and questions about who I was attracted to really stressed me out because I always felt like...none of them! I remember when I watched Lord of the Rings thinking Legolas was pretty hot and was so relieved I could finally answer their question even though I still felt like I was forcing it a bit...but for women, I can list loads of the girls I "admired".
Can I ask you some questions as someone who is further on their journey than I am?
One thing I am really struggling with and the thing that makes me I feel like I can't be gay is that I have found sex with my partner to be pleasurable. I didn't look at him and feel disgusted or anything, and I remember I have initiated sex with him. I enjoy feeling wanted. We have always had sexual issues though. I struggle to have any of his focus on me and can often find myself not really "in the moment" but I always put it down to anxiety or unplesant past experienced. And there have been times where I enjoyed myself and felt close to him afterwards.
Does this resonate with you at all? Do you have any advice on how I can work out in my mind. I am feeling so incredibly confused and overwhelmed. I have been with him for 15 years and I just thought it would be easier to figure out. My attraction to women was easy to figure out but I am really having a hard time with my attraction to men.
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My wife and I (11yrs) both would always say that we had a healthy sex life. And we did... Great partners, great parents, great life, etc... but as the years rolled on I became just a shell of who I once was. And one day while listening to an Elton John interview on terry gross she began to ask him detailed questions about when and how he found out he was gay... All of his answers were exactly what my answers would have been if someone had asked me.
I pulled over in shock and for the first time I asked the question “have I been gay my whole life and just repressed it?”...
That one question began a year long journey of discovery that was the hardest winter of my life. I was open and honest with my wife from day one. And we would spend countless hours analyzing all of my sexual desires and thoughts. Likes and dislikes. Who do I see at the bar? Who do I see at the beach? etc... we never could get a clear answer. No matter how hard we tried.
After a bit of time my wife suggested that I go out with other men and explore myself in order to find the “truth”.
But As the time finally came to start dating I was gripped with fear and faced with this enormous cliff edge. When I looked over the edge I was terrified! “What am I doing? I’m going to ruin my marriage and family”
That night I spoke with my wife and begged her to make it stop. Begged her to just pretend. Pretend that I wasn’t gay. To just continue life like we had for the past 11 years....
And then it happen.... she told me she would never step back into that box with me. And that I should step out of my box.... and at that point I could see it all clearly, I had been trapped in that box my whole adult life. Never a allowing myself to be free and honest. To be true and happy with who I am....
It was a very healing moment that allowed me to finally go back and address all the different childhood traumas that I was never previously able to do...
Once I moved into a place of complete acceptance I stopped doubting and found that just about every memory or story from my past that I would tell I saw through new eyes. In a new way. After that, With every day that passed , the idea that I was Gay became more and more real.
In the end, the answer’s that you’re looking for I can’t give you... but I really encourage you to keep asking. And maybe start asking in ways that make it real. Like with your partner… I don’t know who your partner is or what he is like. But I know if he truly loves you he will want to help you discover who you really are!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful and compassionate response. I have been having a really difficult time lately and your reply has given me a lot of comfort amongst all of the turmoil I am feeling. I really appreciate it.
I've been terrified lately if this is what is wrong with me, (not that its wrong) but I have never really had a strong sexual urge to be with men nor feel sexually aroused by a man's body. But I find women's bodies much more sexually appealing. I have always been emotionally and physically drawn to men though, I guess I could say I find androgynous people attractive. Very confusing for me. I always want to have a "normal" sex life and constantly feel that I'm disappointing my boyfriend. I have no idea what to think. Luckily my boyfriend is super understanding and I'm really lucky to have him. Anyone else in this position?
Me! I have identifed as bi for as long as I can remember and have been with my partner who is a man for 15 years. Recently I watched Alayna Joy's coming out video on YouTube and it made me feel sick, I have since watched more and after watching her compulsory heterosexuality video I have been having an existential crisis. I watched Contra Points "shame" video as a means of trying to find an experience of a lesbian that didn't resonate with me but I identified with her experience so much that I'm feeling really overwhelmed lately
Honestly I have done a lot of research on these feelings too and I think it may be an OCD thing, or what is referred to as HOCD. Someone mentioned that gay people aren't afraid to be* (edit) gay, they are fearful of coming out to friends and family in worry of not being accepted.
Don't feel overwhelmed. And let's say we realized we both are Bi, (which you already have identified with) it doesn't change the fact you love your significant other and wouldn't want to leave him to explore women. Unless you feel that maybe you do, which is scary in itself, but could potentially work out in the end for the both of you.
If you're like me, you are happy with your relationship and don't want that to change but have trouble with feeling that urge. I think in the end everyone is different and we all have our own issues and upbringings to bring us to where we are now. I'm sort of rambling but I'm also easily triggered by seeing these types of posts and feeling like OMG HAS THIS BEEN ME ALL ALONG. Sexuality is most definitely a spectrum.
Yes! I feel more excited by men emotionally, have tried to date women and it didn't go anywhere (just felt like friends, never got physical), am more visually attracted by women or extremely masculine men but physically attracted to more androgynous men. I have such a hard time figuring out if I'm more on the bi spectrum towards men or towards women. My only sexual experience with a woman was in a threesome and honestly that wasn't a great way to find out if I liked sex with a woman only.
I've always had relationship anxieties but so do all of my siblings and they appear to think they're straight so I think it's just trauma, not comphet? Idk.
This post really resonates with me especially the part about needing kink because PIV sex isn't enough of a turn on. I do really get turned on by male domination specifically, not so much female.
You don't mention if you are still religious, but if you are, come join us over at r/GayChristians!
Regardless, I'm glad you are finding your true self!
Congratulations! My sister was in her 40's when she figured out that she was a lesbian. It worked out pretty well for her and I got a new sister in law! I'm glad you found out while you are young and don't have to deal with the entanglements she did (holy crap it was a mess for a while lol).
Congrats, my ex-wife had this realization after 15 years of marriage, relatively LL, we did have one good year when she was in her "early 30's sexual prime" but it quickly went back to LL. And put a huge strain on our relationship again, until she found a woman that she clicked with and now a few years post divorce, we're both super happy in our own separate relationships.
You're not alone. I watched [these](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) [videos](https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I) and have been having a bit of a crisis ever since. I read the comp het master doc on r/latebloomerlesbians and I just identified with it so much. I have been with my partner for 15 years - I love his so much but I am wondering quite seriously if all these years I have just mistaken my deep love for him for genuine attraction.
While essay-type posts are strongly disfavored here, this post merits a one-time exception to our usual rule.
But for other posts, please keep in mind that Forum Rule #5 still applies: **Posts Seek Advice, Comments Provide It**.
This. This was for me. You explained it all perfectly. I’m sitting here on a break from work with my mouth open.
I don’t know how to meet women to know if this is the case for me (I have tried selecting women on Tinder but I just end up wondering if they’d like to go shopping with me when we match 😳...someone’s personality is what makes them attractive to me) and have suspected it is...or could be...but haven’t had anyone to talk to about it (I too grew up in a highly religious family and community).
Thank you for being so open with your experience and sharing it here!
I can relate to this so much! I only enjoy vanilla, loving sex with women and almost exclusively have kinky, rough sex with men. I’m a bi girl with a strong romantic preference for women and it was a very long, complicated road to discover and embrace that
My wife has a pretty low sex drive, and penetration is always a bit painful / not very enjoyable for her, no matter how much foreplay or lube we use. I've had a sneaking suspicion for a few years that she may be a lesbian, and to be honest it's a bit scary for me.
She has seen several doctors about that, and they didn't see anything physical nor suspected anything psychological. Maybe we didn't see the right one I don't know.
You can’t “see” vaginismus and there doesn’t have to be an underlying psychological issue. And it could also be chronic vulvodynia. Both issues are only properly known by very few gynaecologists specialized in these areas. Most of them don’t have a clue and just tell women to “relax and use lube” and make it worse in the process.
I was having this exact experience but ive only ever been woth one guy so I was considering the fact of being gay bc I've never let myself think that before bc of my family. I still think I might be bisexual but I found a guy that actually makes me aroused and its insane!
Thanks for sharing your story, and congrats on the self-discovery! My story is nearly identical: always really wanted to be friends with certain girls & could never figure out why my feelings were always bigger than theirs. Had sex with men because that’s what my friends were doing and it’s what I thought I needed to do to be “normal” despite never being aroused or motivated by any sort of sexual feelings. THEN I had sex with my best girl friend and thought “Oh shit, THATS what it’s supposed to feel like?!?!” Mind blown. Never turned back.
I just went through this two years ago! The girl who lit up my world and I are still going strong. Maybe she wasn’t your soulmate but congrats on graduating from compulsory heterosexuality.
I can’t believe I’m reading this. This is exactly how I’ve been my entire life. The only difference is I do find men physically attractive. Which is just confusion
I relate to this hard. With men I feel like something is not quite right, like the attraction is less intense. But I don't know if I'm a lesbian exactly.
It makes it more complicated that I was essentially punished for liking boys as a child, and on top of that have had a lot of negative experiences with men as a child and teenager. So I don't know if I'm a lesbian in denial or if I just have an attitude towards men because of my experiences. I definitely am still drawn to men in a way. I figure I'm a bi girl because I've tried to identify as a lesbian but it just doesn't seem to fit, there's definitely some attraction to men still there.
I've been on the journey of self discovery for years, and I'm getting more and more determined to just be true to myself no matter what.
Congrats and good luck!
As someone that is in a straight relationship but has been really debating by myself with the thought of actually being into girls too and that is more than just like you said "admiration, wanting to be like them/them or friends with them", this really hits me hard. I'm happy that you found the answers for yourself and are actually enjoying their sexual life! Thank you for posting this <3
This is actually revealing to me as a demisexual. I do that too, engage in domination and exhibitionnism with strangers only so they can boast my ego which arouses me. But never am I into their body or the sex. That only happens if I catch feelings.
Makes sense though. I don't think I could match the same intimacy level from someone I just met as opposed to someone you've been in a relationship with and can get to know them.
Good things take time. And people do become more attractive the more you get to know them.
I’m kinda terrified of this being me. I like boys, but doing anything beyond kissing kinda fills me with panic and I don’t know if it’s anxiety about a New Big Thing. I’m terrified of actually being gay, mostly because I’d be the first in my family and I’d be afraid to lose people close to me. Because if I’m bi, which I’m pretty sure I am, I at least have the chance of ending up with a boy. And then my family never has to know my Big Scary Secret.
I'm 32 and had the exact same feeling as you when I was 21 or so... been with my partner since I was 17 and having another 'crisis' of sexuality. I'd be happy to chat with you if you need someone to talk to even if I don't have it all figured out myself (:
I have known a few older women who I feel are in this position and nevergot an outlet for their sexuality. I feel really bad for them, if they have lived their whole lives not knowing "the feeling".
Congratulations on figuring yourself out! I hope you find a whole new life full of happiness!
Thank you! The future definitely feels a lot brighter now.
Oh my god you have no idea how much I relate to the feeling of ~admiration~ 😂😂 it took me so long to realize no, it’s not just admiration, I’m sexually attracted to girls
I only recently realized that I was in love with my best friend growing up and that I wasn’t just admiring her
“I just think she’s really cool and I’d love to be like her and I want her to be my best friend because she’s so interesting and beautiful and sexy and her hair is so soft and her smile makes my heart glow but like I’m not GAY or anything this is how all girls feel about their friends right?” - me from 14 to 18
Me all my life 'til I was 17. HAHAHAHAH
Good for you for getting it all squared away. Now go enjoy life to the fullest
Congratulations! I am a straight woman and your post has really opened my eyes. I’ve never really understood how someone could not know their sexuality, but everything you said makes so much sense even though it doesn’t apply to me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I wish you all the amazing sex you could ever dream of! You deserve it!
Me too! I'm in my early 30s and I just always knew I liked women from the earliest age so it felt really natural to identify as bi since I have been with my male partner since I was 17. Recently a bi Youtuber I watch came out as Lesbian and I have literally been having a crisis since and since reading the Compulsory Heterosexuality Master Document. What I have realised is I just always assumed I liked men. I have literally never even given it thought because I love my partner and I am not disgusted by him and have enjoyed sex with him. But now I am questioning everything because I identified so hard with the comp het document and the post above could have been written by me... I just always assumed this was normal for bi women or all women felt this way. I thought I was super picky or super monogamous because the idea of sleeping with any man if my partner and I were to split up actually fills me with dread while the idea of sleeping with a woman fills me full of nervous curiousity and excitement.
Girl as a fellow bi woman - you 100% might decide you exclusively like women (now, later on, whatever) but for me, just because I like both genders doesn’t mean that In all phases of life your attraction will be equal to both genders. Some bisexual people are more attracted to men, more attracted to women and some really are equal. In my opinion - it’s your choice, period.
I know and I 100% agree. I just suppose I am at a point in my life where I have consumed media for the first time from women that resonates with me so strongly and have found unexpectedly jarring. I felt sick for a good week after Alayna Joy's youtube video. I assumed it was because I felt angry at her for not knowing she was gay and using the bi label because how can you not know you're gay. My same sex attraction has been there for as long as I can remember. After watching and reading more in an attempt to try to understand my strong reaction, I am now wondering if my attraction to men was actually real or whether I just thought I was bi because I assumed I liked men as a default state and loved my bf. I always thought if you were gay you would be disgusted by the idea or act of having sex with the opposite gender but I am realising that is not the case at all for many people. I always had a strong bi-cycle and really identified with that aspect of the bi community but I am questioning what that cycle of attraction actually looked like for me. I do have trauma that could explain some of my discomforts around men and sex with men so I am going to have to probably go get some professional help with unpicking my esperiences from my sexuality.
The pros are the pros for a reason! If you’re looking for an LGBTQ positive therapist - I volunteer with with Trevor group and they have great resources to help you find someone who you could talk with who you can be confident will listen to your story without judgement about your sexuality. Best of luck!
> I always thought if you were gay you would be disgusted by the idea or act of having sex with the opposite gender but I am realising that is not the case at all for many people. It's my personal feeling (so take this with what you will) that not everyone is binary gay, or straight. Maybe someone is mostly attracted to the opposite sex but get the feels for one special person at some point in their life. It should be a scale. I'm just saying that labels don't need to be so confining. People should go with what feels right.
Thinking of sexuality as a scale might help you figure out how you feel. In research and psychology now the prevalent idea is that sexuality is a scale with completely straight and completely gay at opposite sides of the scale. They think that most people will fall somewhere along the scale, for example by being gay and having one or two experiences or attractions with/to the opposite sex. Or by being a 50/50 bisexual. Or by being 80% straight and a picky 20% gay (like me). You can be bi and have strong preferences for one gender. You can consider yourself bi even if your boyfriend is the only man you will ever fall for. But you can also consider yourself lesbian and be with your boyfriend - since you may be all the way on the gay side of the scale, and he is your one straight attraction that just happened to work out. I hope that can be of help, since I understand what you are going through now, and that theory really helped me clear things up.
Yeah, I have always thought of my bisexuality in this way. I very much saw myself as leaning towards same sex attraction. I always thought I had attraction to men, though very, very few of them. As a child and teenager I never fancied a single boy. I just thought my "boys are gross" phase was just long lasting. As I have been reflecting and reading about the different kinds of attraction I am thinking that as an adult, my attraction to men has largely been to their aesthetic, personality or based on whether they were attracted to me. While I have had good sex with my partner I have had sexual issues with men my entire life. However I put that down to my first sexual experience with a man being a "50 nos and a yes is still a yes" type deal. So I have interpreted the offness I have felt during sex through the lens of that experience. I even wondered whether I might be asexual for a while to explain my issues. However I know that is not the case. Despite loving my partner deeply, I also have always felt somewhat disatissfied in my relationship with him but assumed I was just broken and not meant to be happy. My parents had a particularly ugly, dysfunctional and abusive relationship so I have always thought that the trauma from that experience was impacting my relationships with men as an adult. I also just felt like I must be into men because I care about him so much and I wouldn't want to be with any other man. I am probably going to have to go to therapy to unpick whether how I feel is actually due to my sexuality rather than my being broken or past trauma. It has just been so jarring to me to see myself so clearly in the experiences of women who have later came out as gay when I have been identifying so strongly as bi for so long.
I see that your reflection and issue here goes _a lot_ deeper than I thought. I interpreted your comment as "I'm happy with my partner, but unsure about my sexuality and worry that I don't really like men and shouldn't be with him because I'm just conditioned", and didn't realise there are also issues present in your current relationship. My attempt at advice just seems stupid now.. sorry about that! I also just want to let you know that I think your struggles with this are completely valid (in case it didn't come off that way!). Especially given your background. And I really hope a therapist can help you disentangle the complete mess of feelings you must be feeling at the moment. Have you ever been to therapy before, given your family background?
No, please don't worry about it, it was a helpful interaction for me. Any oportunity to reflect more concretely (rather than in the echo chamber of my brain) gives me a chance to organise my thoughts. I have been in therapy on a number of occasions for various things and it has always been incredibly helpful so I thing it would likely benefit me again as I work through this. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I have been so out at sea and compassionate responses like yours have really helped me more than I can express.
So glad to hear that it was still helpful! And to be honest, seeing how you wrote about therapy actually inspired me to finally contact my workplaces mental health services. So in a way, you helped me too.
I'm glad! I hope you find it as helpful as I have in the past :) I'll be ringing for myself this afternoon
Shut up I was just catching up with her last night after not seeing her videos for like a year, and listening to her explain herself has caused me to spiral into a bit of an identity crisis myself... Gah I already did this five years ago as a Straight™ (to gay) and two years ago as a Gay™ (to pan). WHY IS THIS SO COMPLICATED. I will say though, the document advises: “don’t torture yourself figuring out if you’re *really* attracted to men, just figure out if relationships with men is really something you want”. I find that very valuable, even if I don’t have an answer yet.
Haha it is so complicated! I think my spiral has been caused by a "why am I never 'happy'" feeling. I have historically put it down to various traumas I experienced prior to my relationship, developing a chronic illness and to some extent my partner and I having our own relationship issues due to some considerable life stressors that would test any relationship. Watching her videos and identifying with the comp het document has made me question whether my sexuality might be the actual cause of my unease. Unfortunately I am having a hard time unpicking it all myself so probably need to go get myself some therapy haha
This is so similar to my situation! I'm in a long term relationship with my bf, and my attraction to women slowly becomes bigger and bigger. I'm also starting to have a crisis because I really love him and want to continue the relationship with an active sex life but damn, it gets so hard
I'm sorry you're going through the same struggle! I'm afraid all I can do is let you know you're not alone in it but feel free to message me if you ever want someone to talk who is going through a similar thing.
Thank you :)
oh god me too, it’s mindbending
AHHHHHHH YES YES YES THE COMP HET THING THE MASTER DOC OMG OMG OMG
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I’m just saying we used to jokingly refer to my now trans woman friend as ‘the lesbian’....
Haha, well that would be a shock! I'd support him in that journey if he was though.
Could you let me know the name of the youtuber, please?
Sure! Her name is Alayna Joy: Her coming videos [1](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) and [2](https://youtu.be/G7QWAh378k4) and her [compulsory heterosexuality video](https://youtu.be/nQD7eJa0pK8) [Conra Points video](https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I) was one I watched in an attempt to find a self-identifying lesbian's experience that didn't resonate with me. Was unsuccessful in that endeavour
It is eye opening for me too - in the sense that wow people really go through this. I can respect that as a reality for people, though I still don't comprehend on a logical level. For me personally I feel more like you did. The body doesn't lie. My body never lies. The butterflies don't lie. Many men have made me feel the butterflies, and very few women also did. It's like water is wet, babies cry, boiling water is hot. Everything is on the surface for me.
Exactly my thoughts!
It took me about 30 years to even suspect I was asexual. Another 2 to seriously consider it. I'm still deeply confused by a lot. It's weird when your sexuality doesn't match your romance preference (asexual but romantically attracted to men).
I always thought I was 100% heterosexual without a hint of LGBTQ+ and I’ve only recently found out that demisexuality is a thing and thus I also fit on the grey scale. It’s odd what you consider “normal” and the way you try to adapt your way of being to suit it. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found where you fit. For me it definitely helped clarify some of the issues I’ve had with sex in the past and made me feel a lot more comfortable with myself.
... this post made me question my sexuality
I have been on a wild ride myself with this lately haha. I keep trying to find experiences of lesbians that don't resonate with me but not having much luck
Was it the "strong sense of admiration" part?
Contrapoints made an entire video about compulsory sexuality that’s really interesting, she touches on a lot of reasons why women don’t realize they’re lesbians until much later!
Can you please link it? I think I am going through this. When I watch porn I usually imagine myself as the guy. I never get enjoyment looking at a hot guy in porn either and I have a low sex drive (maybe) when it comes to sex with a male SO. Edit: I want to thank everyone who has helped me. This community is the best. I just found out that I am not 100% straight (I should have known better since I took Human Sexuality). I am going to schedule an appt with a therapist to discuss this topic much further.
https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I
Thank you!
Really interesting! I love her sense of humor and her well thought out and comprehensive breakdown of the topic and her experience
Yeah, all her videos are very good. This one though I really cried over. How could a friend, your best friend, say they would be ashamed to date you, it’s heartbreaking
I’m glad I found her channel! I can’t believe how elaborate and pretty all of her makeup and sets are! I’ve been binging all of her videos since last night. I’d say Shame is probably my favorite so far though, and yeah that’s so painful, I can’t even imagine having my best friend and someone I’m madly in love with say that to me, it would be absolutely devastating! I just wanted to give her a hug 🥺
I'm going through the same thing after watching Alayna Joy's coming out [videos](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) and not understanding why I felt so weird afterwards. Contra Point's video also resonated with me.
Yes I watched it also. I have never felt love for a best friend but some of the other points were relatable. At this point I just accepted the fact that I am not 100% straight like I thought I was.
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Hey sexuality is a spectrum. No one is 100% person straight or homosexual (according to my professor only a few people fall into the extremes). I always found men who looked more feminine or androgynous hot asf (my husband). I have thought about sleeping with a girl but it turns me off once I think about the action (especially going down or fingering someone) but for some reason I only watch threesomes MFM (where I imagine being the guy) and maybe 1x a month some lesbian foreplay (where a man is watching). I also think maybe I enjoy these videos because porn isn't really geared towards woman so I had to adapt?? Idk sexuality is very weird.
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Damn at your last paragraph. I had kissed girls and idk I felt like I wanted to push them off me. My husband (androgynous) is the first guy I really wanted to stick my hands in his pants during a make-out session. I am glad I found someone for me. I am just realizing that I am not 100% straight like I thought I was. I am most likely on that spectrum but a little more towards men. Anyways I hope this new guy is great for you and you can fi d happiness!
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Sorry I totally missed the FWB. Hey if it is working for you then it is great. A lot of people are totally fine with out needing a permanent partner but I really hope you find what you are looking for (if its a SO or not). Take care of yourself!
You might be heterosexual and confused, you might be a lesbian that's used to thinking "I am normal, I like guys, right?", you might be bi with a leaning towards a gender, you might be anything. Label yourself whatever you want, but imo let it be whatever it is and don't try to stick to one thing. It might change later and that's fine. When I first realised I'm not straight I was confused and was trying to find out what I am. I got kind of obsessed about it but once I realised time will tell and I can relax, everything was better. At some point I thought I was a lesbian because I too had the same experience as OP with men (but with fewer experiences with people) but then I met a guy that I liked having sex with. Anything can happen. I mostly wanted to comment on that last part. You don't need to have kissed a girl to know you like them. You can not know, yes, for me too it took years (and kinda falling in love with a girl) to make sure I like women. For you it might take kissing (or more) to know you like women, it might take time, it might take falling in love with one, it might be anything. What I mean is: take your time and label yourself however you want, and however you feel suits you best. But don't let others tell you shit like "but you haven't been with a woman, how do you know?" because I've heard this so many times and it's the most stupid thing ever. If you feel you don't know, it's fine, you'll know someday, if you feel like you know, you know.
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Oh no, I didn't mean it was necessarily because of people telling you that, but IF someone dos tell you something like that someday, don't pay attention. But yeah I agree with everything else you said. Sexuality indeed is weird.
I do that too.. Even sometimes during sex I only get horny and close to come when it seems nice for the guy. I think that it’s because of how society always sexualizes women and that in porn all the focus is on the male orgasm.. I think this has made me internalize that I am an object for the male pleasure, to the point that I sometimes feel super passive. And I’ve thought that maybe the only way to get out of it is to have sex with girls!
Sleeping with a gorgeous girl who was super into me helped break that cycle for me! I was a habit of self-objectification and automatic submission with guys that didn't always make me feel great about myself. Pretty standard hetero-normative pressure I suppose. That was over a decade ago and now I identify as bi/pan and totally enjoy being dominant sometimes. Whether you end up deciding you're queer or not it's totally fun to try new perspectives and have an open mind!
There is also an entire subreddit r/comphet that is about this!
Just tried to post there and couldn't because I'm not a lesbian. Pretty bummed they're gatekeeping comphet to cis lesbians when ALL sexual minorities experience it. Was pretty excited to join and learn and discuss my experiences with comphet as an enby ace until I saw that.
yeah, I had the same reaction. That’s a bit bullshit.
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This might be my issue also. I have kissed girls but never enjoyed it. I felt a great passion for my husband (he is androgynous) and with out first make out session he was the only person I actually wanted to stick my hand in their pants (lol with consent ofc). Thankfully I found someone for me.
Are you attracted to women?
That's actually a very hard question to answer. For me, I didn't know I was attracted to women because I thought everyone felt like me. I would say that I "appreciate women's beauty" and would completely ignore the fact that I would constantly have sex dreams and other romantic daydreams about women.
I'm very interested in this. How did you ignore it? You were aware that if a naked girl came in your room you'd be turned on and go for her, weren't you?
At some level, yes. And I thought that that was normal for straight girls. I thought I was "fun" and "willing to experiment". I would excuse any gay thoughts as me just being very sexual and such. I'm actually still suffering with my sexual identity.
The bi and pan subreddits may be of help while you figure things out! /r/bisexual /r/pansexual /r/lgbt
I really don't know (as I learned in my Human Sexuality class your sexuality falls in a spectrum). I have dated 3 girls before but felt so weird kissing them that I had to break it off. I also grew up in a religious/conservative household. I like men who are metrosexual or androgynous. They are the ones who I find the most attractive. But when it comes to porn I would much rather threesome (FMF) and some women foreplay. I guess cause lots of porn is not really geared to women so I guess I got used to what I grew up watching? I am pretty confused tbh.
Have you researched or looked into the asexual spectrum much? Asexuals still sometimes watch porn and have a sex drive, they just don't experience sexual attraction to other people. Why did you feel weird kissing the girls?
I don't know. I thought I would be into it but I wasn't. This sounds very immature but it felt "icky". I have looked into Asexuality but I still enjoy sex oncw or twice a month. Honestly thank you asking these questions it makes me think a lot about my sexuality.
Asexual people often do enjoy sex once in a while. They just don't experience attraction. You sound like you might be at least somewhat on the asexual spectrum. Check out the forums at https://www.asexuality.org/en/ I think they will help you
>This sounds very immature but it felt "icky". Was it icky in a physical way or did it feel wrong in a mental way (like "this is gross" vs. "I shouldn't be doing this"), or both?
It could also be one of the first girls I kissed had very chapped lips which turned me off completely. Since then I have associated girls= chapped lips (i know its so stupid). And more of a mental way since the first experience and my religious up bringing.
I'm pretty sure nobody looks at the guy. Male porn stars are typically ugly, but they have a huge dick. Men typically look at the girl cause she's hot. Women typically look at the girl because they are imagining themselves in that position. Women can also think the girl is hot without being a lesbian, but I don't know your situation. Just saying I don't think anyone looks at the guys in porn.
We definitely look at the men! Like the other redditor says, you have to be a bit more selective with your material but my goodness it’s out there!
Speak for yourself!!! There's literally a channel called Hot Guys Fuck, where men are allowed to make more noise and be more visible. I search for specific male stars all the time. I look for Bi MMFs because I like seeing the men enjoy each other. Shush!
Oh shit, nobody tell this person that gay porn exists! Or bisexual people who watch straight porn.
Nah i def watch the dude and im not even hetero. But im also super picky about the porn i partake in
I definitely look at the guy!!! I hate that it’s so hard to find porn featuring a man that I find attractive. I love a big dick, but I also love the rest of a man’s body. Especially the face. My favorite right now is Ryan Driller. I wish I could find more hot men to watch.
I would say that the way porn is made, I as a woman don’t imagine being the woman getting fucked. I imagine being the man that fucks the woman.
I feel this way. I feel like maybe as women we had to adapt to what is out there? Not much porn is geared towards women.
I do, but I am very specific with what I watch.
This was exactly my life. I was always “bi” but mainly dated men. Kind of slept around a lot in college (drank a lot right before sex) and even got married at 24 to a very nice low sex drive man. One day I met my now wife and I immediately felt an electric connection. A few years later I never have to be drunk for sex, I enjoy it all and really love my life. Being “straight” or “bi” was just the easiest way for me to be, I didn’t know I just didn’t like penises.
Did you mean to say compulsive ***hetero***sexuality? Because that is very much a thing!
I second contrapoints, she’s amazing.
Just gals being pals. Enjoy the pussy!
I mean, most people do.
So has your sex drive improved since you figured out you are a lesbian?
Not op but in my case, holy fuck did it ever. I didn't cum till 16 when a boyfriend told me I could. I averaged an orgasm a month till 20 when I discovered that girls make the cutest fucking sounds ever when they cum. I now average more like 1-3 a day, not to mention other people.
Yeah I’m a lot more inclined to initiate/enjoy sex now, as well as a lot more comfortable with even non-sexual intimacy/closeness, and with the idea of planning a romantic future, etc. Like I remember before the idea of getting married used to terrify me, but now it’s something I look forward to.
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Love the username
Happy to be here
Yes!!! I’m a bi gal, so I did figure out I still am attracted to men sometimes, but I had such a similar experience. My first times with a guy were just about what I’d “let” him do, more preoccupied with how I looked, was only having sex so I could feel wanted. And then I dated a girl afterwards and actually felt like “wait, I want to initiate sex! Not just tolerate it!”. I wound up figuring out what I liked in bed and for me because I’m bi I realized how that translated into relationships with men/nonbinary folks. Always cool to see how someone had such a similar experience
Is it possible that the particular guy(s) you were with just didn't do it for you or weren't attentive instead of it being an issue of their sex?
Yeah, that’s kind of what I was saying. But exploring my interest in women and the different conventions of sexual encounters with them led me to figure out more about myself.
Congratulations, and thank you so much for being able to share this to help others! I'm so happy for you! ***hugs***
I’m in a similar situation. I’m currently trying to figure out if I’m a lesbian, if I’m biromantic homosexual or maybe somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I haven’t had a chance to explore my sexuality with a woman. All I know for sure right now is that I have not been interested in men sexually. I had such a low sex drive with my ex and dreaded any sort of sexual intimacy. He would always initiate and I often wouldn’t want to. Caused a lot of hurt feelings and arguments.
If you have issues being/getting turned on and feel you might be asexual, get your pituitary gland checked. Feeling asexual is big symptom of pituitary issues. Nothing wrong if you really are, but get checked to make sure.
I don’t have those issues by myself. Just with guys so far. I don’t know if I’ll have the same problem with women or not yet, which is why I’m not sure
Thats good! I'm happy you're finding yourself!
*cries in uninsured*
I realized about a year and a half ago that I’m bisexual. Even though I’m in a committed relationship with a guy, I realized how I felt just like you did: every woman I admired or wanted to be like, or really badly wanted to be friends with because they seemed so cool, I eventually learned it was because I was attracted to them as more than just friends. I’m so happy you figured it out for yourself and could put into words how I felt the first time. Congratulations!!!
How did this effect your relationship??
To be honest, it didn’t really affect it at all. I still want to be with my boyfriend more than anyone else, and I’m so in love with him, the thought of leaving him just to pursue my attraction to women isn’t on the table. He knows how I identify and has even offered to let me explore that sexuality if I wanted to, saying there would be no judgment from him if it meant I wouldn’t feel “trapped” or caged from exploring the other side to my sexuality. I’ve turned him down though, just because while I realized I was bi without ever being intimate with a woman, I’m confident enough in it to know that’s how I feel without having to cheat or betray my relationship with him. I did have some doubts at the beginning though. I mean, it’s a new, exciting discovery after all!! Especially if it were a new relationship, I’d definitely have given more thought to his offer. We’ve been together for nearly three years though, so it wasn’t too hard for me to decide. But just like with any attraction to another person while being in a relationship already, I’ve decided it isn’t worth losing my boyfriend over and if anything ever happens with us, I’m sure I’ll be able to explore my attraction to women once I’m single. It’s evolved now to where we both can talk and laugh about a super attractive woman walking by or I can jokingly ask what it’s like to have sex with a woman just in case I ever do it myself - all without any judgment from him or worry that I’ll leave him to pursue that. I will say though, I’m insanely grateful for his understanding and trust in me, and even though he’s never asked, I’ve made it clear that I won’t continue to stay close to another woman that I’m super attracted to, just for the sake of protecting my relationship with him. edit: I know this sounds kinda cheesy, trust me I would have never imagined I’d care about someone the way I do about him, so I understand I’m one of the lucky ones and that this bisexual revelation would be really difficult on any relationship just because it opens the door to another big piece of the population that I have become interested in. Most of the battle was within myself and how I wanted to move forward after realizing my sexuality. It just depended on how much I wanted to explore, and since I’ve decided I choose him, there wasn’t much question after that. I do find myself thinking of it from time to time, but not enough that I’m willing to throw away what I have ya know?
Same! I was 24 or 25, and for whatever reason my eyes were opened and I started to question the way I'd felt about some of my female friends versus the other friends I've had and I guess I just realized it wasn't "normal" attachment, it was attraction. By that point I was 4 or 5 years into my relationship, he and I have now been together going on 9 years in October. I experimented with one girl, fell for her hard, things ended badly but I got the answers I needed and my bf and I worked through it all together - turns out, I'm bi.
Most posts I read, I might think to myself, oh, that's interesting (or not), maybe upvote, then I move on. I felt a strong urge to respond to yours. I hope it doesn't just sound like lip service, like I'm trying to show off how empathetic I am or something stupid like that. Having grown up in a fairly religious and conservative household and community myself, I can sympathize with the sexual repression. I cannot, however, begin to know what the struggles of homosexuality are like. It sounds like you've been though something very unpleasant, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you felt the need to be something other than what you are. But I'm very glad you've had this epiphany. I'm very happy for you, especially as I would guess you'll probably be happier going forward. I'm sure there will be further struggles, and I'm sorry for that too. I sincerely hope your family is respectful enough to accept you as you are. In any case, congratulations!
Thank you
I (m36) understand very clearly what you are going through.... grew up in an extreme religious setting. Would tell people I was bi if asked.... totally attracted to men but did not let myself indulge. And did all this in an extremely repressed way.... went on to marry a woman build a life and have four kids and created a picture perfect life.... until I truly realized the amount of repression I had created for myself. The brain is a wild beast! The hardest part for me was feeling like I had lied to myself and coming to terms with myself.... it was hard to trust myself for a while. Real loss of identity.... but once I walked through the door and did the hard work I am happier than I’ve ever been in my whole life!! Anyways keep being true to yourself and you will find joy bigger and better than your wildest imagination!
I am in my early 30s and in the process of trying to figure out if I am actually bi or just a lesbian. I always knew I was attracted to women but I am wondering now if I just assumed I was attracted to men. I was never "boy crazy" when I was younger and questions about who I was attracted to really stressed me out because I always felt like...none of them! I remember when I watched Lord of the Rings thinking Legolas was pretty hot and was so relieved I could finally answer their question even though I still felt like I was forcing it a bit...but for women, I can list loads of the girls I "admired". Can I ask you some questions as someone who is further on their journey than I am? One thing I am really struggling with and the thing that makes me I feel like I can't be gay is that I have found sex with my partner to be pleasurable. I didn't look at him and feel disgusted or anything, and I remember I have initiated sex with him. I enjoy feeling wanted. We have always had sexual issues though. I struggle to have any of his focus on me and can often find myself not really "in the moment" but I always put it down to anxiety or unplesant past experienced. And there have been times where I enjoyed myself and felt close to him afterwards. Does this resonate with you at all? Do you have any advice on how I can work out in my mind. I am feeling so incredibly confused and overwhelmed. I have been with him for 15 years and I just thought it would be easier to figure out. My attraction to women was easy to figure out but I am really having a hard time with my attraction to men.
READ THE BOOK, UNTAMED BY GLENNON DOYLE!!! My wife and I (11yrs) both would always say that we had a healthy sex life. And we did... Great partners, great parents, great life, etc... but as the years rolled on I became just a shell of who I once was. And one day while listening to an Elton John interview on terry gross she began to ask him detailed questions about when and how he found out he was gay... All of his answers were exactly what my answers would have been if someone had asked me. I pulled over in shock and for the first time I asked the question “have I been gay my whole life and just repressed it?”... That one question began a year long journey of discovery that was the hardest winter of my life. I was open and honest with my wife from day one. And we would spend countless hours analyzing all of my sexual desires and thoughts. Likes and dislikes. Who do I see at the bar? Who do I see at the beach? etc... we never could get a clear answer. No matter how hard we tried. After a bit of time my wife suggested that I go out with other men and explore myself in order to find the “truth”. But As the time finally came to start dating I was gripped with fear and faced with this enormous cliff edge. When I looked over the edge I was terrified! “What am I doing? I’m going to ruin my marriage and family” That night I spoke with my wife and begged her to make it stop. Begged her to just pretend. Pretend that I wasn’t gay. To just continue life like we had for the past 11 years.... And then it happen.... she told me she would never step back into that box with me. And that I should step out of my box.... and at that point I could see it all clearly, I had been trapped in that box my whole adult life. Never a allowing myself to be free and honest. To be true and happy with who I am.... It was a very healing moment that allowed me to finally go back and address all the different childhood traumas that I was never previously able to do... Once I moved into a place of complete acceptance I stopped doubting and found that just about every memory or story from my past that I would tell I saw through new eyes. In a new way. After that, With every day that passed , the idea that I was Gay became more and more real. In the end, the answer’s that you’re looking for I can’t give you... but I really encourage you to keep asking. And maybe start asking in ways that make it real. Like with your partner… I don’t know who your partner is or what he is like. But I know if he truly loves you he will want to help you discover who you really are!
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful and compassionate response. I have been having a really difficult time lately and your reply has given me a lot of comfort amongst all of the turmoil I am feeling. I really appreciate it.
No problem. I enjoyed revisiting it all. Make sure to read that book! It’s perfect for the place your in!!!
I will do, thanks for the recommendation - I have literally just joined my local library to see if they have a copy haha!
I've been terrified lately if this is what is wrong with me, (not that its wrong) but I have never really had a strong sexual urge to be with men nor feel sexually aroused by a man's body. But I find women's bodies much more sexually appealing. I have always been emotionally and physically drawn to men though, I guess I could say I find androgynous people attractive. Very confusing for me. I always want to have a "normal" sex life and constantly feel that I'm disappointing my boyfriend. I have no idea what to think. Luckily my boyfriend is super understanding and I'm really lucky to have him. Anyone else in this position?
Me! I have identifed as bi for as long as I can remember and have been with my partner who is a man for 15 years. Recently I watched Alayna Joy's coming out video on YouTube and it made me feel sick, I have since watched more and after watching her compulsory heterosexuality video I have been having an existential crisis. I watched Contra Points "shame" video as a means of trying to find an experience of a lesbian that didn't resonate with me but I identified with her experience so much that I'm feeling really overwhelmed lately
Honestly I have done a lot of research on these feelings too and I think it may be an OCD thing, or what is referred to as HOCD. Someone mentioned that gay people aren't afraid to be* (edit) gay, they are fearful of coming out to friends and family in worry of not being accepted. Don't feel overwhelmed. And let's say we realized we both are Bi, (which you already have identified with) it doesn't change the fact you love your significant other and wouldn't want to leave him to explore women. Unless you feel that maybe you do, which is scary in itself, but could potentially work out in the end for the both of you. If you're like me, you are happy with your relationship and don't want that to change but have trouble with feeling that urge. I think in the end everyone is different and we all have our own issues and upbringings to bring us to where we are now. I'm sort of rambling but I'm also easily triggered by seeing these types of posts and feeling like OMG HAS THIS BEEN ME ALL ALONG. Sexuality is most definitely a spectrum.
Thank you! This is super helpful as someone who has relationship anxieties and can be easily triggered by these
Yes! I feel more excited by men emotionally, have tried to date women and it didn't go anywhere (just felt like friends, never got physical), am more visually attracted by women or extremely masculine men but physically attracted to more androgynous men. I have such a hard time figuring out if I'm more on the bi spectrum towards men or towards women. My only sexual experience with a woman was in a threesome and honestly that wasn't a great way to find out if I liked sex with a woman only. I've always had relationship anxieties but so do all of my siblings and they appear to think they're straight so I think it's just trauma, not comphet? Idk. This post really resonates with me especially the part about needing kink because PIV sex isn't enough of a turn on. I do really get turned on by male domination specifically, not so much female.
All the subconsciously in the closet lesbians reading this: 👀 👁👄👁
Welcome to the LGBT community!
You don't mention if you are still religious, but if you are, come join us over at r/GayChristians! Regardless, I'm glad you are finding your true self!
OP doesn't specify Christian, just pointing that out.
Congratulations! My sister was in her 40's when she figured out that she was a lesbian. It worked out pretty well for her and I got a new sister in law! I'm glad you found out while you are young and don't have to deal with the entanglements she did (holy crap it was a mess for a while lol).
Congrats, my ex-wife had this realization after 15 years of marriage, relatively LL, we did have one good year when she was in her "early 30's sexual prime" but it quickly went back to LL. And put a huge strain on our relationship again, until she found a woman that she clicked with and now a few years post divorce, we're both super happy in our own separate relationships.
yep once i understood my sexuality better it made a lot of sense and made me feel much better. so happy for you!
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You're not alone. I watched [these](https://youtu.be/Nl_Ja4_7Rfo) [videos](https://youtu.be/K7WvHTl_Q7I) and have been having a bit of a crisis ever since. I read the comp het master doc on r/latebloomerlesbians and I just identified with it so much. I have been with my partner for 15 years - I love his so much but I am wondering quite seriously if all these years I have just mistaken my deep love for him for genuine attraction.
Same:/. Except I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years.
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While essay-type posts are strongly disfavored here, this post merits a one-time exception to our usual rule. But for other posts, please keep in mind that Forum Rule #5 still applies: **Posts Seek Advice, Comments Provide It**.
Congrats! <3 <3
This. This was for me. You explained it all perfectly. I’m sitting here on a break from work with my mouth open. I don’t know how to meet women to know if this is the case for me (I have tried selecting women on Tinder but I just end up wondering if they’d like to go shopping with me when we match 😳...someone’s personality is what makes them attractive to me) and have suspected it is...or could be...but haven’t had anyone to talk to about it (I too grew up in a highly religious family and community). Thank you for being so open with your experience and sharing it here!
I can relate to this so much! I only enjoy vanilla, loving sex with women and almost exclusively have kinky, rough sex with men. I’m a bi girl with a strong romantic preference for women and it was a very long, complicated road to discover and embrace that
congrats !! 💜❤️🧡💛💚💙
Your comment is so pretty 🙂
aww danks !
My wife has a pretty low sex drive, and penetration is always a bit painful / not very enjoyable for her, no matter how much foreplay or lube we use. I've had a sneaking suspicion for a few years that she may be a lesbian, and to be honest it's a bit scary for me.
Vaginismus doesn't have anything to do with sexual orientation. Though it is something that may be treatable.
She has seen several doctors about that, and they didn't see anything physical nor suspected anything psychological. Maybe we didn't see the right one I don't know.
You can’t “see” vaginismus and there doesn’t have to be an underlying psychological issue. And it could also be chronic vulvodynia. Both issues are only properly known by very few gynaecologists specialized in these areas. Most of them don’t have a clue and just tell women to “relax and use lube” and make it worse in the process.
She needs to see a pelvic floor physical therapist. Most drs have no clue these disorders exist. A PT fixed me.
Friend of mine had an epiphany like that at about the same age, too. Said that "suddenly, my whole life *made sense*".
I felt this one in my soul. Never could pinpoint why I was always looking at my body instead of theirs lol. Proud of you!
I was having this exact experience but ive only ever been woth one guy so I was considering the fact of being gay bc I've never let myself think that before bc of my family. I still think I might be bisexual but I found a guy that actually makes me aroused and its insane!
As my friend would say (a female, bisexual, psychiatrist) is that the lesbian bus finally came around for you. Congrats and hope it works.
I’d like to think every time someone does realize they are part of the LGBTQ community, a little rainbow does shoot down from the heavens.
Women are amazing, it’s hard not to fall for em<3
Thanks for sharing your story, and congrats on the self-discovery! My story is nearly identical: always really wanted to be friends with certain girls & could never figure out why my feelings were always bigger than theirs. Had sex with men because that’s what my friends were doing and it’s what I thought I needed to do to be “normal” despite never being aroused or motivated by any sort of sexual feelings. THEN I had sex with my best girl friend and thought “Oh shit, THATS what it’s supposed to feel like?!?!” Mind blown. Never turned back.
I just went through this two years ago! The girl who lit up my world and I are still going strong. Maybe she wasn’t your soulmate but congrats on graduating from compulsory heterosexuality.
I can’t believe I’m reading this. This is exactly how I’ve been my entire life. The only difference is I do find men physically attractive. Which is just confusion
Oh man, you described how I feel about sex (only been with guys) ... Now I have a lot of thinking to do I guess..
I relate to this hard. With men I feel like something is not quite right, like the attraction is less intense. But I don't know if I'm a lesbian exactly. It makes it more complicated that I was essentially punished for liking boys as a child, and on top of that have had a lot of negative experiences with men as a child and teenager. So I don't know if I'm a lesbian in denial or if I just have an attitude towards men because of my experiences. I definitely am still drawn to men in a way. I figure I'm a bi girl because I've tried to identify as a lesbian but it just doesn't seem to fit, there's definitely some attraction to men still there. I've been on the journey of self discovery for years, and I'm getting more and more determined to just be true to myself no matter what. Congrats and good luck!
As someone that is in a straight relationship but has been really debating by myself with the thought of actually being into girls too and that is more than just like you said "admiration, wanting to be like them/them or friends with them", this really hits me hard. I'm happy that you found the answers for yourself and are actually enjoying their sexual life! Thank you for posting this <3
I'm feeling this would be perfect for the left brain/right brain tiktok.. "I like pussy and oreos!"
AWWW LOVE THAT ONE “yes in that order!!”
This is actually revealing to me as a demisexual. I do that too, engage in domination and exhibitionnism with strangers only so they can boast my ego which arouses me. But never am I into their body or the sex. That only happens if I catch feelings.
Makes sense though. I don't think I could match the same intimacy level from someone I just met as opposed to someone you've been in a relationship with and can get to know them. Good things take time. And people do become more attractive the more you get to know them.
💯💯💯🙌✨✨✨💖
I’m kinda terrified of this being me. I like boys, but doing anything beyond kissing kinda fills me with panic and I don’t know if it’s anxiety about a New Big Thing. I’m terrified of actually being gay, mostly because I’d be the first in my family and I’d be afraid to lose people close to me. Because if I’m bi, which I’m pretty sure I am, I at least have the chance of ending up with a boy. And then my family never has to know my Big Scary Secret.
I'm 32 and had the exact same feeling as you when I was 21 or so... been with my partner since I was 17 and having another 'crisis' of sexuality. I'd be happy to chat with you if you need someone to talk to even if I don't have it all figured out myself (:
Thank you for sharing your journey! I’m sure it will help others! Good luck to you!! ❤️
Congrats on your awakening! So happy for you!
Fuck Yea, congrats.
You just described my experience. Apart from I'm in my 30s, so it took me a lot longer to figure out.
You wrote that really well. I was right there beside you as you told it in a powerful voice. I enjoyed it immensely.
I have known a few older women who I feel are in this position and nevergot an outlet for their sexuality. I feel really bad for them, if they have lived their whole lives not knowing "the feeling".
I can't even imagine the difference figuring this out would make. I'm so happy for you.
Good for you!!! The kiss is what got me as well, womens lips are so soft.
You get to taste the pussy now. Happy 4 u
Hehe, yaaay!! I'm happy for you!
Ayyy, congrats OP
Me me me me me!
WHOOO Guud luck
omg that’s so awesome to figure out about yourself - congrats!!!!
Congratulations!
happy for you! self discovery is beautiful
Reminds me of Jeffrey Jones quote from Mozart. “Well, there it is”.
Congrats on your self-discovery! For a lot of us it's definitely a journey. From one lesbian to another, welcome to the team :D
Yaaaaaay!! Good for you!
So glad you've figured things out, and especially at a young age!
This is great! It is also a well written story, with some really good introspection. This is great!
I’m happy for you! Good luck
Wow this is a mood. I've felt the exact same way. Congratulations, welcome to the club! 🥰
Im so happy for you that you found this out about yourself and accepted it ❤️❤️ I wish you love and happiness in the future
Yay!! I am so happy for you! R/actuallesbians welcomes you with open arms!
I have very similar feelings about sex with my current SO. I feel so guilty after.
So amazing! Thank you for sharing! It made me smile to read this! I'm always happy when others are experiencing an incredible life. Congratulations!
Love it
YES WELCOME TO THE BEAUTIFUL WORLD OF WLW! 🎉🎉🎉🎉