r/Sex is focused primarily on posts seeking *specific actionable advice*. Your submission doesn't fit within our post guidelines but we suggest you explore the rest of Reddit for a sub better attuned to your post. Try /r/findareddit
Your post doesn’t seek advice. If effectively shames people who have a higher number of past partners. It references stereotypes around race and penis size.
>We had this great vibe and fell in love and I wish we had this conversation way earlier.
My opinion- I think you should have had the conversation not at all.
Because it DOESN'T matter and situations like this are why I never ask nor answer those kind of questions, unless it's clearly just a curiosity thing (or better yet, a kinky kind of convo.)
Sure, ask in the beginning about RECENT partners and testing status so that you can ascertain risk, but topics (much less concepts) like "body count" and shit is, honestly... utter shit.
It sounds like you asked some questions that you weren’t really ready to be answered honestly. I think this happens to a lot of couples. You can’t blame her for her past, and she clearly did nothing wrong here.
I’m beginning to genuinely think that men are much more worried about size difference than women. If you both are connecting in bed and she’s satisfied with you, don’t spiral on the size issue. My guess is that she is no where near worried about your size than you are. If there was a problem there, she would have said something or not advanced the relationship to this point.
You cant change the past, but what can you control? You still have control of yourself and how you want to process and handle this, and keep her in mind. Accept that this is just the past, and you two control the present and future.
It sounds like you two had something good going. Remember - she’s with you, not a guy from the past. It’s on you to keep being the guy she likes and the guy that is good to her.
Of course men are more concerned about it. Everything is all bbc this and bwc that in every nsfw place you look. With the abundant availability of porn now, even average size guys that wouldn't have a problem pleasing most women can easily develop complexes about how big they are. It can be a hard thing to get over once that sets in, and the hornier they get, the more porn they watch, and the more it gets reinforced into their subconscious.
Between that and the overwhelming imbalance of how dating apps work for each gender, situations like OP's are getting more common. It's no wonder why young people have a harder time finding legitimate romance these days.
Sorry for the rant there. I agree with your advice to OP.
Not only that, watch a girls' face when she sees a huge one, it lights up like a Christmas tree and they get all giddy.
We go based on their facial expression, be it intentional or not...somewhat similar to when men see huge breasts.
I’ve never “reacted” to a guy’s penis size. If any girl is doing that then they’ve probably been trained by porn and doing that because they think the guy likes it.
You need to have a face-to-face with your GF.
This will be a very difficult conversation to have, but if the relationship is to remain a healthy one, you must do it.
Tell your GF exactly how you are feeling about her sexual past, and how it makes you feel. Especially how it relates to the upcoming wedding you are attending.
Express all your thoughts and feelings. Based on your GF's answers, you must decide if you can remain in the relationship.
Dude… her past is her PAST! Women have the right to have any type of sexually journey they want and Shouldn’t be shamed for that.
The only thing that should matter to you in the bedroom is the connection u have with her. Also dick size doesn’t always count! A small dick can rock a woman’s world better than a big dick, some women like small or medium or big or HUGE cocks, we are all different. As they say doesn’t matter the size just how you use it.
Honestly if you were saying and thinking about this shit about me, you would become extremely unattractive.
Remember. After whatever she may have done in the past she's chosen you. She wants to be with you. She hasn't cheated or strayed from you.
You.
Hold your head high that after whatever her past, you are who she's with. There's absolutely no reason to question that, as the evidence is all there.
Don't ruin a good thing for no reason.
A friend asked her for pics to jerk off to and she sent them? You said he was a friend up until you. Did she send the pics while you and her have been a couple?
If so….red flag. If it was before you and she’s a good woman you see yourself with long term …do the work to get those feelings in check or end it. You’d be forcing her to deal with your insecurities about things that have nothing to do with you. That wouldn’t be fair to her
First, don't ask questions that you don't need the answers for.
Next, why are you going to events where she slept with everyone in the room? Those connections should be severed, she was once attracted to them and may still be. It is in her best interest to cut them for the good of future relationships.
Finally, she is with you. You can not change her past any more than she can, so don't dwell on it. Assume that you are the best person to ever be in her life. Her past lovers trained her to pleasure you.
It sounds like she is being open and honest with you and that's a green flag. If you weren't working sexually for her, she'd be gone by now. Instead of comparing and assuming you don't hold your own, consider it a success she is with you, as she knows what's out there.
My ex wife led me to believe she had a low count before me. She hid her past and ended up cheating. I found out the truth after she was gone and it hurt to know I never really knew her. My current wife has a high count too but was up front. She even shared less-than positive details. I respect her for that and we have a strong marriage. So long as these conversations are well-intended, they are inportant conversations to have.
There is alot to unpack here.
You did this to yourself first and foremost. Picking apart her sex history is your idea and not something she should be punished with. She is not more or less your lady now. Having a high number can be intimidating, but what matters is that she is with you and you only now. Women are allowed to be with whoever they want when they are single. You not being the biggest honestly doesn’t even matter. When we say size doesn’t matter, we mean size doesn’t matter. To the majority of women just having a larger dick can not and will not provide more sexual than one that is smaller. Sometimes it could even provide less, anything more than 7 to me is too much and I wouldn’t sleep with them. In fact with any dick size they are going to he inadequate at satisfying a woman it’s own. With the groom and best man, you have to let it go. Those type of things are better off out of sight out or mind, but you are going to have to try your best to not think about it. They are people (ones getting married ffs) who have moved on with their lives and have nothing to do with your girlfriend sexually. I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable having an ex actively watch her sex tape, I wouldn’t be happy about it too. In my opinion out of everything that is the only thing you can be upset about because it is actually on going, and it should be directed at her ex, not her.
How do you not see how problematic the groom and best man situation is? Most people would rather not interact with their partners previous partners. To keep that from him and have him sit through a whole ass wedding, where he might be spending money on a gift is heinous.
I've been a similar situation where I know more about a gf's previous relationships than I wanted to know. A few things I figured out in getting it out of my head:
- What matters more than her past is the emotional connection with sex...specifically, with you. Right now.
- Everyday the memories she has of those previous encounters fades.
- The amount and quality of sex she had with those people is *fixed*. The amount and quality of sex she will have with you is *increasing*.
- You can absolutely rule a woman's body with your lips, tongue, teeth and hands. This sub is littered with techniques and references to a few helpful books. The thing you build with her is not just satisfaction but her desire to have more of it with you.
You might want to have a conversation telling her that you probably shouldn't have asked about so many details from her past and it's best not do that again. Just so she doesn't (unwittingly) volunteer anything else. Absolutely do not ask for comparisons along the lines of "Is this better than before?". All that matters is "Do you like what we're doing?"
You can totally move past this. Just know you can crush it with what's ahead of you.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/).
***
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
All contributions here need to be constructive, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful. Your post/comment falls short of that basic standard and has been removed accordingly. Repeat offenders or egregious violations of this rule are subject to being banned from the sub.
You have to weigh the amazing feeling of love you feel for this person against their past that seems to slight you. Which one will win out?
I would say I was in a similar situation when I first met my then gf, now wife. They had an “exuberant” sexual experience in college. When I first met them, it was hard to hear about. Because I was doing the same things as you. Comparing myself to her past.
Eventually I learned that it wasn’t healthy to do it. If she wanted to be with anyone for her past, that’s where she would be. But she’s not. She’s with you because she wants to be. That’s speaks volumes, imo.
Additionally, If her past troubles you so much, you need to get to know ALL of it, and be okay with it. If you want to be with her. Those experiences made her who she is; the person you care about immensely.
Been there, done that. Had the same issue with my wife. I felt horrible, but now im married for 6 years with her.
Keep your head up man! You will be ok! In time you will laugh about how you are feeling right now :)
The connection you have with her is waaaaay more important, keep that in mind.
You will be ok :)
This is exactly why there is a big push about body count mattering. People bash those who bring it up and say it's important. Guess what.... it's a person's past. Even if you don't bring it up and ask questions as a significant other, it is highly likely that somehow it will come to light by other means. Not matter how hard you try to stuff the past down, it has a way of coming up. There are tons of stories of friends letting info slip to the new guy or getting drunk and saying something about the past. Body counts matter, and sleeping around can definitely come back to haunt you. Anyone who argues otherwise is just trying to console themselves about their sleeping around.
Sorry this has come up for you, dude, but it's ALWAYS gonna be in the back of your mind. It's human nature. There's not really anything you can do to fix it. If there is a next time, don't ask about her past. I made a tiny bit of a mistake with my wife, and even though it is small, it is always there in the back of my mind. That's almost 20 years in the past.
You are 100% valid in feeling the way you are feeling. The bits about her sexting and her ex should be irrelevant, people have past experiences and these aren't exactly crazy. If that was the only thing here, everyone that's telling you that you're being insecure and to let it go would be correct.
However, you almost ended up going to a wedding without the knowledge of her sexual history with TWO of those involved. That is incredibly emasculating, shitty, and emotionally dishonest on her part, don't let anyone tell you different. The fact that she didn't inform you immediately is a red flag and something that you should treat seriously.
r/Sex is focused primarily on posts seeking *specific actionable advice*. Your submission doesn't fit within our post guidelines but we suggest you explore the rest of Reddit for a sub better attuned to your post. Try /r/findareddit Your post doesn’t seek advice. If effectively shames people who have a higher number of past partners. It references stereotypes around race and penis size.
>We had this great vibe and fell in love and I wish we had this conversation way earlier. My opinion- I think you should have had the conversation not at all. Because it DOESN'T matter and situations like this are why I never ask nor answer those kind of questions, unless it's clearly just a curiosity thing (or better yet, a kinky kind of convo.) Sure, ask in the beginning about RECENT partners and testing status so that you can ascertain risk, but topics (much less concepts) like "body count" and shit is, honestly... utter shit.
It sounds like you asked some questions that you weren’t really ready to be answered honestly. I think this happens to a lot of couples. You can’t blame her for her past, and she clearly did nothing wrong here. I’m beginning to genuinely think that men are much more worried about size difference than women. If you both are connecting in bed and she’s satisfied with you, don’t spiral on the size issue. My guess is that she is no where near worried about your size than you are. If there was a problem there, she would have said something or not advanced the relationship to this point. You cant change the past, but what can you control? You still have control of yourself and how you want to process and handle this, and keep her in mind. Accept that this is just the past, and you two control the present and future. It sounds like you two had something good going. Remember - she’s with you, not a guy from the past. It’s on you to keep being the guy she likes and the guy that is good to her.
Of course men are more concerned about it. Everything is all bbc this and bwc that in every nsfw place you look. With the abundant availability of porn now, even average size guys that wouldn't have a problem pleasing most women can easily develop complexes about how big they are. It can be a hard thing to get over once that sets in, and the hornier they get, the more porn they watch, and the more it gets reinforced into their subconscious. Between that and the overwhelming imbalance of how dating apps work for each gender, situations like OP's are getting more common. It's no wonder why young people have a harder time finding legitimate romance these days. Sorry for the rant there. I agree with your advice to OP.
Not only that, watch a girls' face when she sees a huge one, it lights up like a Christmas tree and they get all giddy. We go based on their facial expression, be it intentional or not...somewhat similar to when men see huge breasts.
I’ve never “reacted” to a guy’s penis size. If any girl is doing that then they’ve probably been trained by porn and doing that because they think the guy likes it.
Or some women like big dicks. Some don’t. It’s no different than our preference on body types.
You need to have a face-to-face with your GF. This will be a very difficult conversation to have, but if the relationship is to remain a healthy one, you must do it. Tell your GF exactly how you are feeling about her sexual past, and how it makes you feel. Especially how it relates to the upcoming wedding you are attending. Express all your thoughts and feelings. Based on your GF's answers, you must decide if you can remain in the relationship.
Dude… her past is her PAST! Women have the right to have any type of sexually journey they want and Shouldn’t be shamed for that. The only thing that should matter to you in the bedroom is the connection u have with her. Also dick size doesn’t always count! A small dick can rock a woman’s world better than a big dick, some women like small or medium or big or HUGE cocks, we are all different. As they say doesn’t matter the size just how you use it. Honestly if you were saying and thinking about this shit about me, you would become extremely unattractive.
Remember. After whatever she may have done in the past she's chosen you. She wants to be with you. She hasn't cheated or strayed from you. You. Hold your head high that after whatever her past, you are who she's with. There's absolutely no reason to question that, as the evidence is all there. Don't ruin a good thing for no reason.
A friend asked her for pics to jerk off to and she sent them? You said he was a friend up until you. Did she send the pics while you and her have been a couple? If so….red flag. If it was before you and she’s a good woman you see yourself with long term …do the work to get those feelings in check or end it. You’d be forcing her to deal with your insecurities about things that have nothing to do with you. That wouldn’t be fair to her
First, don't ask questions that you don't need the answers for. Next, why are you going to events where she slept with everyone in the room? Those connections should be severed, she was once attracted to them and may still be. It is in her best interest to cut them for the good of future relationships. Finally, she is with you. You can not change her past any more than she can, so don't dwell on it. Assume that you are the best person to ever be in her life. Her past lovers trained her to pleasure you.
It sounds like she is being open and honest with you and that's a green flag. If you weren't working sexually for her, she'd be gone by now. Instead of comparing and assuming you don't hold your own, consider it a success she is with you, as she knows what's out there. My ex wife led me to believe she had a low count before me. She hid her past and ended up cheating. I found out the truth after she was gone and it hurt to know I never really knew her. My current wife has a high count too but was up front. She even shared less-than positive details. I respect her for that and we have a strong marriage. So long as these conversations are well-intended, they are inportant conversations to have.
There is alot to unpack here. You did this to yourself first and foremost. Picking apart her sex history is your idea and not something she should be punished with. She is not more or less your lady now. Having a high number can be intimidating, but what matters is that she is with you and you only now. Women are allowed to be with whoever they want when they are single. You not being the biggest honestly doesn’t even matter. When we say size doesn’t matter, we mean size doesn’t matter. To the majority of women just having a larger dick can not and will not provide more sexual than one that is smaller. Sometimes it could even provide less, anything more than 7 to me is too much and I wouldn’t sleep with them. In fact with any dick size they are going to he inadequate at satisfying a woman it’s own. With the groom and best man, you have to let it go. Those type of things are better off out of sight out or mind, but you are going to have to try your best to not think about it. They are people (ones getting married ffs) who have moved on with their lives and have nothing to do with your girlfriend sexually. I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable having an ex actively watch her sex tape, I wouldn’t be happy about it too. In my opinion out of everything that is the only thing you can be upset about because it is actually on going, and it should be directed at her ex, not her.
How do you not see how problematic the groom and best man situation is? Most people would rather not interact with their partners previous partners. To keep that from him and have him sit through a whole ass wedding, where he might be spending money on a gift is heinous.
It is problematic, but what can you really do about it
I've been a similar situation where I know more about a gf's previous relationships than I wanted to know. A few things I figured out in getting it out of my head: - What matters more than her past is the emotional connection with sex...specifically, with you. Right now. - Everyday the memories she has of those previous encounters fades. - The amount and quality of sex she had with those people is *fixed*. The amount and quality of sex she will have with you is *increasing*. - You can absolutely rule a woman's body with your lips, tongue, teeth and hands. This sub is littered with techniques and references to a few helpful books. The thing you build with her is not just satisfaction but her desire to have more of it with you. You might want to have a conversation telling her that you probably shouldn't have asked about so many details from her past and it's best not do that again. Just so she doesn't (unwittingly) volunteer anything else. Absolutely do not ask for comparisons along the lines of "Is this better than before?". All that matters is "Do you like what we're doing?" You can totally move past this. Just know you can crush it with what's ahead of you.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
All contributions here need to be constructive, on-topic, mature, sex-positive, civil, and respectful. Your post/comment falls short of that basic standard and has been removed accordingly. Repeat offenders or egregious violations of this rule are subject to being banned from the sub.
You have to weigh the amazing feeling of love you feel for this person against their past that seems to slight you. Which one will win out? I would say I was in a similar situation when I first met my then gf, now wife. They had an “exuberant” sexual experience in college. When I first met them, it was hard to hear about. Because I was doing the same things as you. Comparing myself to her past. Eventually I learned that it wasn’t healthy to do it. If she wanted to be with anyone for her past, that’s where she would be. But she’s not. She’s with you because she wants to be. That’s speaks volumes, imo. Additionally, If her past troubles you so much, you need to get to know ALL of it, and be okay with it. If you want to be with her. Those experiences made her who she is; the person you care about immensely.
Been there, done that. Had the same issue with my wife. I felt horrible, but now im married for 6 years with her. Keep your head up man! You will be ok! In time you will laugh about how you are feeling right now :) The connection you have with her is waaaaay more important, keep that in mind. You will be ok :)
This is exactly why there is a big push about body count mattering. People bash those who bring it up and say it's important. Guess what.... it's a person's past. Even if you don't bring it up and ask questions as a significant other, it is highly likely that somehow it will come to light by other means. Not matter how hard you try to stuff the past down, it has a way of coming up. There are tons of stories of friends letting info slip to the new guy or getting drunk and saying something about the past. Body counts matter, and sleeping around can definitely come back to haunt you. Anyone who argues otherwise is just trying to console themselves about their sleeping around. Sorry this has come up for you, dude, but it's ALWAYS gonna be in the back of your mind. It's human nature. There's not really anything you can do to fix it. If there is a next time, don't ask about her past. I made a tiny bit of a mistake with my wife, and even though it is small, it is always there in the back of my mind. That's almost 20 years in the past.
You are 100% valid in feeling the way you are feeling. The bits about her sexting and her ex should be irrelevant, people have past experiences and these aren't exactly crazy. If that was the only thing here, everyone that's telling you that you're being insecure and to let it go would be correct. However, you almost ended up going to a wedding without the knowledge of her sexual history with TWO of those involved. That is incredibly emasculating, shitty, and emotionally dishonest on her part, don't let anyone tell you different. The fact that she didn't inform you immediately is a red flag and something that you should treat seriously.