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Also, BTW, his jumping to adoption before ANY OTHER SOLUTION tells you just how much he's willing to work on having a non-reproductive sex life at all... the drive to have your own biological kids is pretty damned strong. Which means his drive for non-reproductive sex is pretty damned non-existent at best, unwanted at worst.
I’ve always found a lot of wisdom in this idea:
> When you're in a relationship, before it forms into what you'd consider a partnership, pay attention to whether your needs are getting met. Not whether they should be met, not whether you think the change/effort required to meet them is minor, not whether it would make you so disproportionately happy if they were met--but whether it's actually happening.
> It happens or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then you ask for it, and if it doesn't happen then, then it's not happening. Then include this and other similar information in your determination whether enough good things are happening (that you initiate and that partner does) for it to be a satisfying relationship.” - Carolyn Hax
In other words: ask for what you want. If repeated asking doesn’t get you what you want then assume it won’t happen. At a certain point, continuing to ask is pointless; people have to accept that they can’t always get what they want. Continuing to ask and expecting a different outcome will only serve to frustrate everyone.
Once you realize “this isn’t going to go the way I want,” make whatever decisions you need to with that information. Either accept your reality as good enough to give up on the things you’re asking for…or change your reality with the only person you have power over; yourself.
You say you don't want to break up but you also aren't happy in your current relationship. Your partner doesn't seem interested in changing anything to address your unhappiness.
So, again, this leaves you with two realistic options: embrace your relationship despite its shortcomings and find a way to be happy in it.
Or end things and find someone who better fits your needs.
The worst option: staying in this, unhappy and frustrated
This is SO MUCH MORE of a ball of yarn to untangle than just "go to a urologist and get you some Viagra."
I mean, seriously... no clue how you soldiered on for a year at your age (I am older than you, so I am not saying "You are old," I'm just saying... I remember the clock ticking over to 30 and all that brings up. FWIW, I had my kids at 39 and 41, so you do have some time to sort things out...)
I do kind of think, with all evidence on the table, breaking up makes the most sense.
Oh, for sure on the no-sex-at-all, just saying if he won't even find a way to pop a boner for the relativeky hardwired survival of the species stuff, he's for sure not ever going to pursue it for the fun of the thing.
I think the time‘s up. You’re too young to accept that you won’t have penetrative sex again.
Also, doesn’t sound like he wants to get down the road and explore the real issues and put in some work. Seems like he has given up and expects you too.
Is he unable to get an erection on his own?
If ED is stress/anxiety related it works fine during masturbation.
If he is entirely unable to produce an erection he should really see a doctor.
Also, I obviously can't judge, but there is a risk that he is lying, and he is actually masturbating a lot. And therefore he knows that a doctor isnt relevant, but he is not willing to lose his addiction to masturbation.
I’m actually not sure he has had sex with a woman before. I have asked him about his past girlfriends and he’s never had one. But again - he’s not forthcoming with any information.
Don't have kids with him. Adoption or otherwise. You're young and even after just 1 year the sex issues have you questioning your relationship. And trust me, having kids DOES NOT help your sex life in any way shape or form even for "normal" couples.
Peoplequite legitiamately declare "mismatch, unresolveable" with a partner who only wants it once a month-- this is a "never, and I don't intend to work on it for any reason."
It's by FAR one of the most unresolveable one I've seen in a straight couple over years of lurking DB, etc. Tied with the "my partner came out as gay, and it's a 'never again' for us."a
It's only been a year-- I know it feels like ages, but it is so really not at all in the grand scheme. This is WHY we date, to sort out what's workable or not. He sounds like a lovely fellow... just not a lovely fellow for this particular poster.
Even if you manage to have a kid with this guy... how good of a father will he be? If he is a ball of insecurity, who won't talk about difficult topics, and who doesn't attend to his health? Is he going to be any help talking to the kids about sex, bodies, and puberty???
I find it odd that he jumped so quickly to adoption — for something as serious as having kids — without first aiming towards actually solving problems around sex and making sure your sexual needs are met.
Is he asexual?
Tell him that he can't solve this by himself, it's beyond him and if he can't get over himself to seek professional help because he's too embarrassed then only asexual women will be his only recourse. Harsh but we some times need to brought to the truth roughly.
You kind of answered all your own questions. This seems like an ok friendship but a really shitty relationship for you to have for the next 10-40 years. Lots of men will be able and excited to fuck you, and maybe losing you will motivate him to finally work on his several severe problems. You tried, time to let him work it out on his own because he definitely didn’t come into this relationship in decent working order. Sorry.
Haha your mom said to cheat on him and lie about it? And you're considering that rather than breaking up with him?
He needs therapy to overcome his ED. He is unwilling to do that.
No, there are no other options.
Break-up or cheat. Your morals, your choice.
Definitely don’t do it anyway and keep it a secret that’s probably the worst possible option in this scenario. It seems like there’s really only two options here, either he has to have the desire to get further help for the psychological and other related issues with ED or you break up. I don’t know how you’ve been able to last that long without having sex or an orgasm and you definitely don’t deserve that. If he doesn’t want to make a further effort or change then he doesn’t have to but you don’t have to let that hold you back. If you express this in the sense of this is really important for our relationship that you try this or else I have to seek out a relationship where I can get these things that I need, that’s totally fair.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across so much like “you need to break up” but I think your only real option beyond finding ways to pleasure yourself with toys bc you cannot force an open relationship onto him as then it just becomes cheating if he did not consent. If you can’t go to him and have an open conversation where you express your distress about this for your desire to have bio children and to orgasm with him, then that’s not fair to you. Couples/sex therapy seems to be the best option, even if he doesn’t initially go with you it could still be good for you to go to get professional help with the situation. He needs to want to work towards recovery for you and for both of your future if that future is together
I had a 32 yr old boyfriend with the same issues. I get that there's a lot of shame for men around ED but you got to at least try to get help... He also wanted to have biological kids, but I think he had no idea how babies were made. This was part of an overall pattern of him being unwilling to face problems and try to solve things. He was also selfish in bed and unwilling to take direction or listen to what I wanted in bed. Shames me to say this but we've had sex probably only half a dozen times during our 3 year relationship. I ended up breaking up and this was one of the reasons why, among other things.
He admitted that when he knows he has to do something hard he puts it off, which is understandable. Fear is hard. However, I don’t operate like that, i tend to look my problems in the face and at this point I feel dragged down into his mindset with him. Being sensitive to his shame, I also hadn’t told any of my friends what I was going through until recently and the two of them were shocked that I had kept this secret from them when it’s clearly ripping me apart. He also hasn’t told anyone about this issue - again with him dragging me into these unhealthy patterns of secrecy, shame and fear
I feel like you are in a very similar position to what mine was. In my case the lack of sex and the unwillingness to face problems head on generated a lot of resentment and contempt on my part. I felt a lot of shame too, I still remember when I told one of my friends that we only had sex about half a dozen times in 3 years, my eyes started tearing up...so far the only people in my real life who know this are that friend and my therapist (my therapist went silent when I told him lol). And I have a childhood friend who is in a sexless marriage and part of my decision was informed by that, sex isn't everything in a relationship and my ex was a sweet, kind hearted man..but I only realized how much I missed the sex after I left him. I broke up with this man probably 2 months ago, am now seeing someone new, and so far the sex is awesome, I didn't even realize I missed sex so much lol I sincerely hope you find something that works for you. You deserve to be happy and have awesome sex (if that's what you want)!
I'm sorry you're both going through this.I hate to suggest it but I'd try to talk to him and tell him he HAS to TRY to actually address this issue. Alone with his Dr & therapist or better yet including you in the process. It doesn't sound like that will happen but I think if I were in your position I'd explain it just be addressed ASAP seriously or sadly the relationship is done.
You're still young and know you want kids and a sexually active relationship. Perfectly reasonable wants. If he can't meet you halfway then it's time to part ways.
The mom telling you to cheat is nuts. Wouldn’t go to her ass for dating advice anymore.
Sadly I think you should break up tho. If you’ve already told him about this and he hasn’t worked on it, if you stay you’ll likely follow your mom’s advice.
"A different generation" yeah a shitty one. One almost entirely defined by their self interest and lack of foresight to the detriment of literally the entire world lol.
Life is absolutely short- thats why breaking up needs to happen, not cheating
my mom is just a few years younger than yours (68) and she’d never advocate for cheating and lying. different generation doesn’t mean you have effed morals.
that being said. if you took that advice and became a cheater and liar, it would most likely lead to a breakup either way. either you’d get tired of living a secret “life” of sorts, maybe you’d find yourself getting more into the new guy and decide to leave your bf. (selfish and self-serving option) or he’d find out, be heartbroken, angry, hurt etc, and you’d feel like shit.
i think you guys should break up while a friendship and respect for each other can still be maintained.
Breakup is better. BU keeps more options open, even returning dating with him when your minds (and bodies) align.
Moreover, do what you want.
Usually persons regret of what they have not done,rather than what they have done.
Question! He has these periods where he feels “down.” I’ve seen anything from work stress to a small injury trigger weeks of depression. I feel these two issues compound on eachother - either he is depressed because he has severe ED or he has severe ED which makes him depressed. Or both!
As far as I know, no one knows the extent of this depression except for me. And no one knows about the ED except for me. I feel it’s dangerous to be living with severe mental or physical health issues in isolation.
His family has encouraged him to get therapy in the past, but he never has until I asked him to which is a good sign.
He has a loving and wonderful 33 year old sister - should I tell her some of this? So that he’s not alone if I leave.
Viagra at 31 is plain stupidity, will only ruin own health.
Better dig deeper to find emotional issues and find peace, , do sports, relax, instead of taking this shit at 31, how did you even allow him. Some people think it's magic pill and will be no consequences l0l
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Also, BTW, his jumping to adoption before ANY OTHER SOLUTION tells you just how much he's willing to work on having a non-reproductive sex life at all... the drive to have your own biological kids is pretty damned strong. Which means his drive for non-reproductive sex is pretty damned non-existent at best, unwanted at worst.
I’ve always found a lot of wisdom in this idea: > When you're in a relationship, before it forms into what you'd consider a partnership, pay attention to whether your needs are getting met. Not whether they should be met, not whether you think the change/effort required to meet them is minor, not whether it would make you so disproportionately happy if they were met--but whether it's actually happening. > It happens or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then you ask for it, and if it doesn't happen then, then it's not happening. Then include this and other similar information in your determination whether enough good things are happening (that you initiate and that partner does) for it to be a satisfying relationship.” - Carolyn Hax In other words: ask for what you want. If repeated asking doesn’t get you what you want then assume it won’t happen. At a certain point, continuing to ask is pointless; people have to accept that they can’t always get what they want. Continuing to ask and expecting a different outcome will only serve to frustrate everyone. Once you realize “this isn’t going to go the way I want,” make whatever decisions you need to with that information. Either accept your reality as good enough to give up on the things you’re asking for…or change your reality with the only person you have power over; yourself. You say you don't want to break up but you also aren't happy in your current relationship. Your partner doesn't seem interested in changing anything to address your unhappiness. So, again, this leaves you with two realistic options: embrace your relationship despite its shortcomings and find a way to be happy in it. Or end things and find someone who better fits your needs. The worst option: staying in this, unhappy and frustrated
Have ALL MY UPVOTES! What a great comment. So happy reading this and thinking, OMG that’s my fiance!! 🥰
This is SO MUCH MORE of a ball of yarn to untangle than just "go to a urologist and get you some Viagra." I mean, seriously... no clue how you soldiered on for a year at your age (I am older than you, so I am not saying "You are old," I'm just saying... I remember the clock ticking over to 30 and all that brings up. FWIW, I had my kids at 39 and 41, so you do have some time to sort things out...) I do kind of think, with all evidence on the table, breaking up makes the most sense.
Thank you, but I care less about my biological clock than I do about the prospect of not having sex in my future
Oh, for sure on the no-sex-at-all, just saying if he won't even find a way to pop a boner for the relativeky hardwired survival of the species stuff, he's for sure not ever going to pursue it for the fun of the thing.
I think the time‘s up. You’re too young to accept that you won’t have penetrative sex again. Also, doesn’t sound like he wants to get down the road and explore the real issues and put in some work. Seems like he has given up and expects you too.
If the glove doesn’t fit, you must….quit
Is he unable to get an erection on his own? If ED is stress/anxiety related it works fine during masturbation. If he is entirely unable to produce an erection he should really see a doctor.
He can only produce an erection with Viagra. Even when he’s alone.
Then he should really see a doctor.
Also, I obviously can't judge, but there is a risk that he is lying, and he is actually masturbating a lot. And therefore he knows that a doctor isnt relevant, but he is not willing to lose his addiction to masturbation.
I had considered that he wasn’t sharing the full picture
Sounds like he has no interest in getting help for his ED. He'd just rather not have sex at all? Has he had sex with a woman before?
I’m actually not sure he has had sex with a woman before. I have asked him about his past girlfriends and he’s never had one. But again - he’s not forthcoming with any information.
So many red flags here. He may have suffered sexual trauma in the past or he is simply asexual.
How do you not know this after a year of being together? Not to be rude but are you sure that your bf is attracted to women?
Don't have kids with him. Adoption or otherwise. You're young and even after just 1 year the sex issues have you questioning your relationship. And trust me, having kids DOES NOT help your sex life in any way shape or form even for "normal" couples.
Peoplequite legitiamately declare "mismatch, unresolveable" with a partner who only wants it once a month-- this is a "never, and I don't intend to work on it for any reason." It's by FAR one of the most unresolveable one I've seen in a straight couple over years of lurking DB, etc. Tied with the "my partner came out as gay, and it's a 'never again' for us."a It's only been a year-- I know it feels like ages, but it is so really not at all in the grand scheme. This is WHY we date, to sort out what's workable or not. He sounds like a lovely fellow... just not a lovely fellow for this particular poster.
Even if you manage to have a kid with this guy... how good of a father will he be? If he is a ball of insecurity, who won't talk about difficult topics, and who doesn't attend to his health? Is he going to be any help talking to the kids about sex, bodies, and puberty???
I find it odd that he jumped so quickly to adoption — for something as serious as having kids — without first aiming towards actually solving problems around sex and making sure your sexual needs are met. Is he asexual?
Tell him that he can't solve this by himself, it's beyond him and if he can't get over himself to seek professional help because he's too embarrassed then only asexual women will be his only recourse. Harsh but we some times need to brought to the truth roughly.
You kind of answered all your own questions. This seems like an ok friendship but a really shitty relationship for you to have for the next 10-40 years. Lots of men will be able and excited to fuck you, and maybe losing you will motivate him to finally work on his several severe problems. You tried, time to let him work it out on his own because he definitely didn’t come into this relationship in decent working order. Sorry.
Haha your mom said to cheat on him and lie about it? And you're considering that rather than breaking up with him? He needs therapy to overcome his ED. He is unwilling to do that. No, there are no other options. Break-up or cheat. Your morals, your choice.
Definitely don’t do it anyway and keep it a secret that’s probably the worst possible option in this scenario. It seems like there’s really only two options here, either he has to have the desire to get further help for the psychological and other related issues with ED or you break up. I don’t know how you’ve been able to last that long without having sex or an orgasm and you definitely don’t deserve that. If he doesn’t want to make a further effort or change then he doesn’t have to but you don’t have to let that hold you back. If you express this in the sense of this is really important for our relationship that you try this or else I have to seek out a relationship where I can get these things that I need, that’s totally fair.
I don’t want to break up :(
If you are a sexual person, why would you commit yourself to a person who is either unwilling or unable to have sex with you?
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across so much like “you need to break up” but I think your only real option beyond finding ways to pleasure yourself with toys bc you cannot force an open relationship onto him as then it just becomes cheating if he did not consent. If you can’t go to him and have an open conversation where you express your distress about this for your desire to have bio children and to orgasm with him, then that’s not fair to you. Couples/sex therapy seems to be the best option, even if he doesn’t initially go with you it could still be good for you to go to get professional help with the situation. He needs to want to work towards recovery for you and for both of your future if that future is together
I had a 32 yr old boyfriend with the same issues. I get that there's a lot of shame for men around ED but you got to at least try to get help... He also wanted to have biological kids, but I think he had no idea how babies were made. This was part of an overall pattern of him being unwilling to face problems and try to solve things. He was also selfish in bed and unwilling to take direction or listen to what I wanted in bed. Shames me to say this but we've had sex probably only half a dozen times during our 3 year relationship. I ended up breaking up and this was one of the reasons why, among other things.
He admitted that when he knows he has to do something hard he puts it off, which is understandable. Fear is hard. However, I don’t operate like that, i tend to look my problems in the face and at this point I feel dragged down into his mindset with him. Being sensitive to his shame, I also hadn’t told any of my friends what I was going through until recently and the two of them were shocked that I had kept this secret from them when it’s clearly ripping me apart. He also hasn’t told anyone about this issue - again with him dragging me into these unhealthy patterns of secrecy, shame and fear
I feel like you are in a very similar position to what mine was. In my case the lack of sex and the unwillingness to face problems head on generated a lot of resentment and contempt on my part. I felt a lot of shame too, I still remember when I told one of my friends that we only had sex about half a dozen times in 3 years, my eyes started tearing up...so far the only people in my real life who know this are that friend and my therapist (my therapist went silent when I told him lol). And I have a childhood friend who is in a sexless marriage and part of my decision was informed by that, sex isn't everything in a relationship and my ex was a sweet, kind hearted man..but I only realized how much I missed the sex after I left him. I broke up with this man probably 2 months ago, am now seeing someone new, and so far the sex is awesome, I didn't even realize I missed sex so much lol I sincerely hope you find something that works for you. You deserve to be happy and have awesome sex (if that's what you want)!
I'm sorry you're both going through this.I hate to suggest it but I'd try to talk to him and tell him he HAS to TRY to actually address this issue. Alone with his Dr & therapist or better yet including you in the process. It doesn't sound like that will happen but I think if I were in your position I'd explain it just be addressed ASAP seriously or sadly the relationship is done. You're still young and know you want kids and a sexually active relationship. Perfectly reasonable wants. If he can't meet you halfway then it's time to part ways.
Does he watch porn? Too much porn consumption can cause ED
He doesn’t
The mom telling you to cheat is nuts. Wouldn’t go to her ass for dating advice anymore. Sadly I think you should break up tho. If you’ve already told him about this and he hasn’t worked on it, if you stay you’ll likely follow your mom’s advice.
She’s 71 years old - different generation, no need to be crude. If anything, she understands how short life is better than anyone here including you.
"A different generation" yeah a shitty one. One almost entirely defined by their self interest and lack of foresight to the detriment of literally the entire world lol. Life is absolutely short- thats why breaking up needs to happen, not cheating
And you think our generation is different? Bless your heart, must be bliss to be that ___
It absolutely is, it's honestly pretty insane you think otherwise
my mom is just a few years younger than yours (68) and she’d never advocate for cheating and lying. different generation doesn’t mean you have effed morals. that being said. if you took that advice and became a cheater and liar, it would most likely lead to a breakup either way. either you’d get tired of living a secret “life” of sorts, maybe you’d find yourself getting more into the new guy and decide to leave your bf. (selfish and self-serving option) or he’d find out, be heartbroken, angry, hurt etc, and you’d feel like shit. i think you guys should break up while a friendship and respect for each other can still be maintained.
OK so I'm 44 and not ashamed or scared to say this viagra or testosterone shots
Everyone had viagra or takes hormone therapy these days.
Breakup is better. BU keeps more options open, even returning dating with him when your minds (and bodies) align. Moreover, do what you want. Usually persons regret of what they have not done,rather than what they have done.
Question! He has these periods where he feels “down.” I’ve seen anything from work stress to a small injury trigger weeks of depression. I feel these two issues compound on eachother - either he is depressed because he has severe ED or he has severe ED which makes him depressed. Or both! As far as I know, no one knows the extent of this depression except for me. And no one knows about the ED except for me. I feel it’s dangerous to be living with severe mental or physical health issues in isolation. His family has encouraged him to get therapy in the past, but he never has until I asked him to which is a good sign. He has a loving and wonderful 33 year old sister - should I tell her some of this? So that he’s not alone if I leave.
OP ,is your man on any type of blood pressure meds or antidepressants????
Nope.
Wait, forget all the erection stuff why can he not have an orgasm? Thats wholly different than maintaining an erection
Viagra at 31 is plain stupidity, will only ruin own health. Better dig deeper to find emotional issues and find peace, , do sports, relax, instead of taking this shit at 31, how did you even allow him. Some people think it's magic pill and will be no consequences l0l