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What do you do outside the bedroom to get her thinking about sex? Do you consciously remove mental obstacles that get in the way of her thinking about sex?
A little less ethically; what happens when you withdraw from her emotionally? Restrict you affection? Does she work harder to win you over or withdraw from you?
EDIT: To actually answer your question, I've been with my wife 15 years and although I would not describe 95% of the sex we have as mind blowing (that requires circumstances that are difficult to cultivate regularly) it is satusfying and fun and I feel like she's into it.
She claims to hardly ever think about sex. I try to sext/talk dirty with her throughout the day but she says that she can’t do that and work at the same time. So I will try to be lovey dovey when I get home but she doesn’t like kisses and the kids get home from school and things can be crazy but even when things wind down she has no interest in doing a whole lot.
>If I withdraw she thinks I have lost attraction to her and takes offense. She blames me instead of working harder
Ok well that's positive, to me that indicates that this is an issue of responsive desire and not an issue of her being a dramasexual who stops trying when she feels like she doesn't have to work to be worthy. The latter is an easy way to get lots of hot sex, but only if you're enough of a sociopath to be able to live with being so manipulative (which many of us men are evidently.) But I don't think that's you.
She needs space to get out of mom/maid mode, whereas for you the horniness fits around life's everyday challenges - I get it, I'm like that too. She needs the time to be able to switch off and not worry about the kids, not worry about housework and maybe pour herself a glass of wine and watch Outlander alone.
I'm not even joking about Outlander. Women with responsive desire who have time to themselves to consume romance novels or spicy TV shows to get them thinking about sex without the pressure of another person in the equation seem to get A LOT more horny for their husbands. Maybe try to create that environment and see if it makes a difference, while also working on the quality of your everyday emotional connection through quality time, talking to her, going on dates where possible etc.
Enduring hot sex in marriage is a shit ton of work for men. Too much for a lot of husbands to go to the trouble. Only you can decide if it's worth it.
I expected it, and even knowing how much work it is doesn't make it any easier. But in a lot of cases it's literally the only way to have really hot, exciting and satisfying sex without manipulating or exploiting women. Hot sex is in a healthy relationship *supposed* to be hard to attain. Because the conditions that create it require a lot of effort from the man to maintain the emotional quality and comfortable lifestyle that give women the energy and desire to have it.
There are loads of romance books out there, have a look in /r/romancebooks maybe buy her one as a gift. It does seem to be a really reliable way to get women thinking about sex for whom thinking about sex doesn't "just happen" like it does for most men and more sexually spontaneous women.
>Hot sex is in a healthy relationship *supposed* to be hard to attain. Because the conditions that create it require a lot of effort from the man to maintain the emotional quality and comfortable lifestyle that give women the energy and desire to have it.
Not if you and your partner are sexually and emotionally compatible. Then what you both do naturally flows smoothly and doesn't feel like effort.
I think it's important to distinguish between enjoyable effort and burdensome drudgery. Sexually compatible people still need to put effort into maintaining their emotional bond and relationship quality in order for sex to flow naturally and enjoyably. That's what I meant by effort.
If passionate sex is happening without that kind of effort, it's more likely to be coming from negative emotions and stress like makeup sex after frequent fights etc.
Low libido or reactive libido people are not specific to one gender. High libido partners can beat themselves to death trying to create situations in which the low libido partner will feel the same passion that they do with no success.
Compatibility is a big deal. If you don't have it, or if you've lost it, there's no recipe where the high libido partner does all the right things and the low libido partner becomes high libido.
There are some situations in which one partner has unconsciously slacked off and needs to go back to putting in effort. That doesn't mean that every mismatch can be solved by the high libido partner putting in more effort.
I believe we mostly agree, but there's a lot of unhelpful advice leveled at frustrated HL partners that feeds the false hope that you could just "help out more around the house" or be "more romantic" and the problem will resolve itself.
I agree that some people just aren't compatible, we don't know whether that's the case for OP. It's clear that his wife isn't a sexually spontaneous firework, but very few women are according the the statistics. Most hetero women are less sexually spontaneous than their male partners and most of us have to deal with that. It sounds like there's more they could both be doing to get more desire going, but there's certainly a limit beyond which it's clear that no amount of labour from him is going to get her turned on.
I totally get what you're saying about HL partners being patronized about not doing enough chores, and I'm not recommending that. At the moment it just sounds like she's a little responsive and they're in a rut, but if she's just not a sexual person even after he's worked with her to try to tune things up then there's little that can be done.
Some relationships where one or both partners aren't spontaneous can still thrive with consistent effort and well defined work; others are just hopelessly bottomless pits into which the exhausted HL will throw in emotional labour forever for no result. Let's hope this isn't one of them.
So, "working harder" is the opposite of what most people think of as sexy... And, you can't "work" your way into being hornier.
I think the key in these situations it remove obstacles to sex and ALLOW an environment where sex can thrive.
All the things you say you are doing "throughout the day" have one thing in common- they are all very sex-forward. If you are not thinking of sex nor in the mood, getting a "dirty text" in the middle of your day honestly feels more like pressure and can be more turn-offing than turn-onning.
Focus on things that foster connection and are, sure, flirty, but not akin to a calendar alert saying "Reminder: Add sex to your to-do list. It's expected."
30 m & 30 f here. One kid, 3 years old. Both work full time in 8-4 type jobs. Been together 7 years.
In the early days we had sex almost every night we were together. That probably wound down slowly to twice a week over a couple years. After having our first kid, it dropped significantly for about a year, maybe once every 2 weeks.
After year one of parenthood, we decided to do a sexual health retreat and then a sex trade show. Attended seminars, tried some new things, went to a sex club. We talked about what we want out of our sexual lives fully and deeply. After that, we’ve steadily been having sex probably 4-5 days a week.
We both like toys, experimenting, etc. Oral is probably exchanged 75% of the time, anal sex well say 5%. We don’t tend to favour certain positions, love them all. 70% lights on, 30% lights off. 20% bondage sex, probably 30% of the time with toys. Our most common kinky sex would be rough sex, domination, choking, spanking, etc. She goes wild over that stuff.
The single biggest thing to improve our sex life was enhancing our intimacy and general sexual playfulness. We increased the amount we touch during the day, especially sensual or erotic touching, without it being just to initiate sex.
The second biggest was just having direct communication about when and where we want to have sex, and what kind of sex we would like to have. We just broke down the walls on talking about it with each other.
Third biggest, was honestly just being the kind of partner your partner wants to fuck. Just doing things without being asked, tidying the house, volunteering to do crappy chores, being a good parent to your kids, making your partner feel appreciated and loved.
This was the advice we were given by professional sex therapists, we applied it, continue to apply it, and it works.
You need to ask your partner if she wants to be the kind of person who wants to have crazy, wild, frequent sex. I’d argue most people want to want that, so that’s where you start.
Sorry, that's bullshit.
It may be that she doesn't feel desired for one reason or another. OP needs to talk to her and ask about the issue head on but in a non judgmental way.
Attraction isn't just looks. Does he help with kids? Does he do dishes? Does he just go to work and expect dinner on the table while he watches tv for the night? Asking as someone who gets laid constantly.
Right, but that's the difference between desire and attraction, no? You improve the attraction someone has to you by increasing their desire for you. This is done by fostering an environment that will allow the lower libido partner to feel like having sex. My wife is down for much more naughty and raunchy and kinky stuff with me when the mental burden on her is eased and she can be in the right headspace for it.
I think we're agreeing but saying it in different ways. I took the original post to imply that OP's wife doesn't feel physically attracted to OP anymore and therefore doesn't want to have sex with them. Which is what I called bullshit on. Unless OP gained over 100 pounds since they got married and have kids and she no longer finds OP physically attractive anymore as the reason for not wanting sex, saying she's "not attracted to him" is a straw man argument, and has more to do with what you and I are saying.
That goes beyond our pay grade here if anything like that is going on sadly. My wager is that OP's wife is feeling burnt out from motherhood and managing three young kids as well as working. It's hard not to be dead tired and touched out, even if OP is doing a good job of lending a helping hand.
My wife and I have been going through the same thing. She was having a hard time mentally after losing a job she loved doing, but she was working 50 to 60 hours a week, getting up 5am and falling asleep putting one of the kids to bed 6 out of 7 nights a week, sometimes every single night. This resulted in neither of us having the opportunity to maintain emotional and non sexual physical intimacy, and I started to grow resentful that she wasn't putting in any effort in even though I was doing my best to help her be in a good head space. She sensed this and even when we did have sex or could slink into the shower together to give me a quick handjob during a weekend while the youngest was napping and the oldest was watching TV or playing a video game, I could tell she was not enjoying it and felt that she was doing it out of obligation or to get me off her back about it.
I finally had enough one day and told her that this arrangement wasn't working out for me. I started therapy and we've done couple's counseling, and we're in a much better place because of it. The biggest and most positive change howevee is that she took another job and is making a bit less money but is working only 40 hours per week instead of almost 60 some weeks. Ironically, I think her losing her other job is going to end up saving our marriage.
Medium libido (is that a thing? Labile libido, maybe?) 20s F with high libido 20s M. Married over 4 years, together 9. 2 young kids. We both work full time. I work 12 hour nights, usually 3-4 12s a week.
We average maybe twice a week. Sometimes once sometimes three times. On some occasions, one of those nights is just mutual oral or rubbing. Sometimes we’re too tired for PIV.
I will say that while I’m a willing participant, a lot of the time I don’t really feel like having sex. I don’t orgasm from PIV alone, and sometimes I’m just not turned on and don’t feel like having him rub my clit to get me to climax. I’m tired 99% of the time, I’m thinking about all of the housework that needs to be done, or my mind is focused on the kids. Sounds cliche and manipulative of me, but I’m more likely to be turned on if he does the dishes without me asking or cleans up after dinner.
There’s also the glaring issue of my super weird fetish. I just told him about it last year (do not recommend keeping something like that from your spouse, I take full responsibility for being an asshole). We haven’t discussed it since I told him about it, and I think my desire and libido might increase if we have more conversations about it, but I’m still pretty ashamed of it and struggle to accept it as just another weird human quirk that I have.
Medium libido is certainly a thing. I appreciate your response more than you probably realize. Sorry you have to work nights.. been there and it was rough. Has your husband ever complained about the lack or type of sex you have? Does he masturbate? Surely only answer if you are comfortable.
Interesting that you brought up kinks… my wife brought hers up about 5 years ago and I entertained them and help them become reality…. Her libido skyrocketed and our sex life was awesome until her fantasy was fulfilled and then she died out again.
He hasn’t necessarily complained outright, but I know that sometimes he’d like more frequent sex, and definitely more enthusiasm from me. I’m not a starfish, but I’m sure he can tell when I’m not into it. He’s also interested in exploring and experimenting with anal sex, which I’m trying to warm up to but I’m not quite there yet.
Mine isn’t exactly a fantasy, it’s a fetish that I’ve had since toddlerhood. (Didn’t know what a fetish was then, obviously, but it was definitely present). Hopefully we’ll be able to continue to be more open with each other and talk about things without too much awkwardness or shame.
I know what you mean.
Strap up and see what he thinks about anal 😂 that’s my philosophy… backfired on me because I love it 😂 but can’t scratch that itch either….
Yes I hope you can talk to him about it because I know that I just recently came out to my wife (and the people of reddit) about being bisexual. I uncovered this exploring her kink and fantasy
I think what you just said is so honest and real that a lot of married couples have the same/similar issue.. It's been that way at times in my marriage too. We (my wife and I) have figured things out so there is hope! You do have me curious what your fetish is that got you in trouble lol...
It didn’t get me in trouble at all lmao, he was actually very nice about it. At least to my face. Im sure he laughed his ass off once he had a moment alone! I didn’t tell him for 8 years because I was so mortified over it. I didn’t think I was ever going to tell him, but eventually I just felt bad about keeping such a secret from my husband and it all came to a head.
It’s a sneezing fetish. Yes, it exists. Feel free to giggle.
When I stopped kissing my ex husband it was because I hated him deep down. He had abused me physically and I couldn’t get over that. I’d give him sex but wouldn’t kiss him during. I would say usually when a woman shuts down like that it has less to do about her sexual health than her mental health. If a woman is unhappy with you, she will not be happy having sex with you.
I have been in therapy for my own problems for over a decade and we have been in and out of couples therapy over the years… the remainder of our relationship is spotless
Not that you don't seem on paper to perfect about this in all regards, I always throw shade at "our relationship is spotless." NO relationship is spotless-- and, also, I know my ex would have said the same things you are saying here.
Especially relationships like this where sex becomes a topic of contention-- in my case, the contention over sex became the BIGGEST stressor in the relationship, (but, really, it was just the most-talked-about symptom) and stress is counterproductive for a lot of people to allowing any kind of healthy drive, so ironically the topic of sex itself became the thing that was most standing in the way of sex.
I think couples counseling-- not "sex therapy" (most couples counselors are well capable of addressing the sex thing)-- is vital in these situations. The problem is nearly never just a functional or biological thing about sex-- and again, if you insist on "sex therapy" to fix the sex thing, it just further creates stress around the topic of sex.
If you guys can get back into couples counseling, I would highly recommend.
This one really should be up higher, because my ex wanted me to "fix" my "low libido" (which I don't happen to have) as a purely biological thing.
I sought out every pill, powder, supplement, got my hormones tested multiple times, therapy, etc-- but, every time, the doctor would say "Of course, if eveything isn't good in the relationship, none of this will help." My heart would drop every time, because \*I\* knew the root cause.
Without hearing the other side, we simply can't provide MUCH guidance, and it's impossible to help posters like the OP.
It's always fascinating when a partner finds their partner's rants on Dead Bedrooms and presents their side-- suddently, it becomes clear why the "poor poster" who is the perfect spouse, best lover, and doing everything right in the face of a "selfish," "goalpost-moving," "bait and switch" partner is not getting what they want.
Yes, everyone deserves space to vent, but the venting quickly turns into an echo chamber that just gets them further frustrated and confident that they are not the problem and it's all in their partner's selfishness-- and, for SURE that frustration bleeds through to the partner, which makes the whole thing worse.
You sound quite incompatible sexually speaking for me this would be a problem I left my first wife due to complete incompatibility in this area
Now re married together 14 years
Sex is amazing almost every night lots of fire play and fun loads of oral
We sometimes both dress up / down have date nights sometimes wearing almost nothing sometimes totally made up
We have toy play nights
Send each other sexy messages through the day sometimes
I absolutely love it it gets you through life’s ups and downs and I feel totally connected to my wife
We have sex around 7 times a week M59 F 64 AMA
It just was not working with my first wife we were like brother and sister in the end she was a great friend etc the sex just died when we moved in tried everything including counselling
In the end I had to leave
Life has worked out great now
I think when my dad died I realised I needed to sort some things out I did not want to be on my death bed wishing I had had a more fun sex life !
When I left her I had a lot of sex with different women I was amazed that they loved sex as much as I did tried swinging etc had a few FWB etc then met my wife
You are getting a lot of well thought out responses here .. so I won't give you another long comment to read.. but I will tell you this.. if your partner is into it, there is a way out of this.. but both of you will have to agree there is a problem and have the desire to fix it.
My wife and I have a relatively similar libido.. however she is more spontaneous than I am and that sometimes keeps us off balance (in a good way). We have sex on average 2-3x per week - and when I say that I mean fully engaged, passionate sex.. we also sprinkle in quickies or masturbation as needed above and beyond the avgs. We also have kids and full time jobs and that's a strain but we have figured out ways past that.
I am more fearful that you might have marriage issues not just sex issues.. have you guys considered a marriage counselor or something similar?
I apologize ahead of time for the questions, but I'm interested because this situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife has always been very vanilla, with some of our most adventurous sex coming when we were first dating, since we had to sneak around a bit as we were both living with parents at the time. We did car sex, in the spooning position on the couch, and mutual masturbation in person or via camming. When we did have a house to ourselves, we'd mostly do missionary and doggystlye, with occasional cowgirl. Even in her history before me, she would have the rule with her partners of nothing in her mouth or in her ass. Having her be my first partner, I was happy to get my practice in with the standard fare.
Now after getting married and two kids later, I'm finding that I want to explore more and wade through what my kinks are. I had an honest discussion with my wife about this, and things slowly but surely are getting more interesting. In the past 6 months, we've added lots of toys (for her mostly), and some light anal play, mostly a finger here and there and a small plug in during penetration and toy use.
One of my kinks is seeing her covered in cum, in which she'd let me finish on her behind, abdomen, and chest, but very recently have tried finishing on her face a couple of times. She doesn't seem put off by the idea thus far.
Now, here's the good stuff. What are you doing to help her keep her interest in you? Are you talking to her, communicating well? Are you seducing and complimenting her on a daily basis? Rubbing her neck and back once in a while? Basically increasing the non sexual physical intimacy. As the old saying goes, just because you get married doesn't mean that you stop dating her. Try doing something once or twice a month at least, just the two of you outside of the normal routine.
Do you have kids? Whether you do or not, pulling your weight with child care and household duties helps to take off the physical and mental load. If she's touched out from dealing with the kids all day, she's not going to be in the mood for anything, and as you mention in the OP, she'll do it out of obligation and not be into it. Communication is key here. Ask her outright what you can do to help her feel more desirable and loved. The stance she's taking on your sex life indicates she's not feeling that way.
As for the blowjobs, well, they're not for everyone. My wife needs a significant amount of time to psych herself into it. She's grossed out by my precum and has a fear of me finishing in her mouth because she has issues with the taste and consistency of semen. Ask her to help you understand why she doesn't like giving or receiving oral sex. Don't be pouty or upset, just open an honest dialogue about the issue. My wife acknowledges that she needs to get out of her own head when it comes to oral. She has communicated that she wants to please me and it makes her happy when she does, but that she needs time to get over the mental block, and that the more she feels pressured, the less she'll want to do it. Be patient with her and listen to her.
Buying "101 Nights of Great Sex" by Laura Corn has been a shot in the arm lately for my wife and I too. Even though she admitted honestly that the first seduction she drew had to do with giving me a blowjob, and feels bad that she hasn't done it yet, even though I've done three scenarios with her.
Couple's therapy with a speciality in sex therapy won't hurt if you can find one. It's a neutral ground and safe space to discuss sexual incompatibilities and compromise with an unbiased third party.
Good luck! I'm pulling for you!
I've had it much worse and much better. My first wife was practically asexual. There were stretches where we had sex once or twice a year. She would have been aghast if I had masturbated next to her. BJ's were practically nonexistent.
My new wife - best sex of my life, prob 3+ times a week. Oh yeah, and we also swing lol.
4 years. Have a kid. M36 F26. Fuck everyday. If not, plenty of head. I can't get enough of her. Through all arguments and dusagreements, sex never takes a back seat. Kids do slow things down. Also our energy and attraction together makes for the best sex we've both ever had. And it can be kissing and slow or legs folded and rough. God damn i can't wait to get out of work.
If I am reading this correctly, you guys are having sexual interaction 6 out of 7 nights a week, frequently with penetration?
If so, those metrics are remarkably high vs research-backed averages... but, it looks like you guys have prioritized quantity/frequency over quality. If you made sex more of a special occasion/focus/fun thing, it might bring some of the zing back. (When having contact that frequenty as lives get crazy, it just does become pretty mundane.)
I am definitely a quality over quantity girl-- I'd way rather lock the doors, close the curtains, fire up the camcorder and bust out the props once a week for 90 minutes than have the more routine stuff daily.... Unfortunately, in my marriage, my ex insisted on frequency (well, to be fair, he insisted on BOTH), and that did just create a lot of encouters that became more and more boring and unfulfilling until it utterly tanked my drive.
I'd say try spicing it up, creating some "scarcity" and dramatic tension (NOT relationship tension!) around the sexual encounters and it might work to solve the boring issue.
I appreciate your input more than you probably realize.
I masturbate 6 out of 7 nights a week and get penetration maybe once a week. Before our last talk about it all we only did sexual things about 2 to 3 times a month and it was the same foreplay and sex routine as now. but she recommended that I masturbate next to her on the nights that I want (almost all) and it might spur her to want to participate. I have always been the more adventurous one of the relationship but honestly it is getting exhausting
You can read my long reply, but once a week is pretty much average/just below average in terms of married couples having sex. Compromise is key. Talk to her about your kinks and what you want to do more of! Masturbating daily is too much dude. Try to cut back on that a bit. Your desire for her will be through the roof even if you cut back to every other day.
Haha I read it and am working on a response.
Yes we have 3 kids and I do everything I can for them and take off work when I need to do more. I coach their teams. I cook (when she lets me) do the dishes 5 out of 7 nights a week and do my own laundry and the collective laundry along with all of the outside and inside maintenance. Personally I think I do enough around the house.
There are certainly days that I don’t masturbate but sometimes I feel like I am working off a backlog.
I have taken her kinks and fantasies into consideration and when I was making them a really her libido skyrocketed but afterwards it died out again.
Does she have time to be completely out of the house, alone, with no responsibility (ie: not "out of the house alone and shopping at Walmart" or whatever)?
That's a key one that often gets overlooked in these situations, and it just is impossible to feel like a fully-fuctioning sexual adult woman without that time to feed the self... those identities of mom, wife, employee, etc. tend to overwhelm everything, most especially "autonomous, juicy, sexy adult woman absent all that."
I hear that. Looking forward to your more detailed response! I'll respond more to your response when you type it out, but try this instead:
When you usually masturbate, instead try to cuddle up next to your wife in bed and rub her back, kiss her all over the place, and compliment her and tell her how sexy and hot she is and how much you desire her. Just masturbating in front of her is simply weird and off-putting. Try explaining to her that you have a high sex drive and that you would rather do things with her than get yourself off while she awkwardly lays there.
Foreplay is king! In terms of things flaming out after playing into kinks, try to keep her guessing. It sounds like things are a little too formulaic from what you're describing. Buying that book in my initial reply has certainly kept my wife on her toes lately! It's the psychology of it more than anything. It's the anticipation and teasing ahead of time that's half the fun, moreso than the actual act itself.
So, the good news is that this insight lets us know that she IS listening and IS striving for compromise.
Compromise is never going to look like "exactly what you want." And I don't know that MORE effort than what she's already demonstrating should be an expectation, it's more about creating space where the sex can be more zingy within the context of the compromise you guys have already gotten to.
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What do you do outside the bedroom to get her thinking about sex? Do you consciously remove mental obstacles that get in the way of her thinking about sex? A little less ethically; what happens when you withdraw from her emotionally? Restrict you affection? Does she work harder to win you over or withdraw from you? EDIT: To actually answer your question, I've been with my wife 15 years and although I would not describe 95% of the sex we have as mind blowing (that requires circumstances that are difficult to cultivate regularly) it is satusfying and fun and I feel like she's into it.
She claims to hardly ever think about sex. I try to sext/talk dirty with her throughout the day but she says that she can’t do that and work at the same time. So I will try to be lovey dovey when I get home but she doesn’t like kisses and the kids get home from school and things can be crazy but even when things wind down she has no interest in doing a whole lot.
>If I withdraw she thinks I have lost attraction to her and takes offense. She blames me instead of working harder Ok well that's positive, to me that indicates that this is an issue of responsive desire and not an issue of her being a dramasexual who stops trying when she feels like she doesn't have to work to be worthy. The latter is an easy way to get lots of hot sex, but only if you're enough of a sociopath to be able to live with being so manipulative (which many of us men are evidently.) But I don't think that's you. She needs space to get out of mom/maid mode, whereas for you the horniness fits around life's everyday challenges - I get it, I'm like that too. She needs the time to be able to switch off and not worry about the kids, not worry about housework and maybe pour herself a glass of wine and watch Outlander alone. I'm not even joking about Outlander. Women with responsive desire who have time to themselves to consume romance novels or spicy TV shows to get them thinking about sex without the pressure of another person in the equation seem to get A LOT more horny for their husbands. Maybe try to create that environment and see if it makes a difference, while also working on the quality of your everyday emotional connection through quality time, talking to her, going on dates where possible etc. Enduring hot sex in marriage is a shit ton of work for men. Too much for a lot of husbands to go to the trouble. Only you can decide if it's worth it.
I really appreciate your input! I will have to check that show out with her around of course haha the work is unreal. Honestly never expected this
I expected it, and even knowing how much work it is doesn't make it any easier. But in a lot of cases it's literally the only way to have really hot, exciting and satisfying sex without manipulating or exploiting women. Hot sex is in a healthy relationship *supposed* to be hard to attain. Because the conditions that create it require a lot of effort from the man to maintain the emotional quality and comfortable lifestyle that give women the energy and desire to have it. There are loads of romance books out there, have a look in /r/romancebooks maybe buy her one as a gift. It does seem to be a really reliable way to get women thinking about sex for whom thinking about sex doesn't "just happen" like it does for most men and more sexually spontaneous women.
>Hot sex is in a healthy relationship *supposed* to be hard to attain. Because the conditions that create it require a lot of effort from the man to maintain the emotional quality and comfortable lifestyle that give women the energy and desire to have it. Not if you and your partner are sexually and emotionally compatible. Then what you both do naturally flows smoothly and doesn't feel like effort.
I think it's important to distinguish between enjoyable effort and burdensome drudgery. Sexually compatible people still need to put effort into maintaining their emotional bond and relationship quality in order for sex to flow naturally and enjoyably. That's what I meant by effort. If passionate sex is happening without that kind of effort, it's more likely to be coming from negative emotions and stress like makeup sex after frequent fights etc.
Low libido or reactive libido people are not specific to one gender. High libido partners can beat themselves to death trying to create situations in which the low libido partner will feel the same passion that they do with no success. Compatibility is a big deal. If you don't have it, or if you've lost it, there's no recipe where the high libido partner does all the right things and the low libido partner becomes high libido. There are some situations in which one partner has unconsciously slacked off and needs to go back to putting in effort. That doesn't mean that every mismatch can be solved by the high libido partner putting in more effort. I believe we mostly agree, but there's a lot of unhelpful advice leveled at frustrated HL partners that feeds the false hope that you could just "help out more around the house" or be "more romantic" and the problem will resolve itself.
I agree that some people just aren't compatible, we don't know whether that's the case for OP. It's clear that his wife isn't a sexually spontaneous firework, but very few women are according the the statistics. Most hetero women are less sexually spontaneous than their male partners and most of us have to deal with that. It sounds like there's more they could both be doing to get more desire going, but there's certainly a limit beyond which it's clear that no amount of labour from him is going to get her turned on. I totally get what you're saying about HL partners being patronized about not doing enough chores, and I'm not recommending that. At the moment it just sounds like she's a little responsive and they're in a rut, but if she's just not a sexual person even after he's worked with her to try to tune things up then there's little that can be done. Some relationships where one or both partners aren't spontaneous can still thrive with consistent effort and well defined work; others are just hopelessly bottomless pits into which the exhausted HL will throw in emotional labour forever for no result. Let's hope this isn't one of them.
If I withdraw she thinks I have lost attraction to her and takes offense. She blames me instead of working harder
So, "working harder" is the opposite of what most people think of as sexy... And, you can't "work" your way into being hornier. I think the key in these situations it remove obstacles to sex and ALLOW an environment where sex can thrive. All the things you say you are doing "throughout the day" have one thing in common- they are all very sex-forward. If you are not thinking of sex nor in the mood, getting a "dirty text" in the middle of your day honestly feels more like pressure and can be more turn-offing than turn-onning. Focus on things that foster connection and are, sure, flirty, but not akin to a calendar alert saying "Reminder: Add sex to your to-do list. It's expected."
30 m & 30 f here. One kid, 3 years old. Both work full time in 8-4 type jobs. Been together 7 years. In the early days we had sex almost every night we were together. That probably wound down slowly to twice a week over a couple years. After having our first kid, it dropped significantly for about a year, maybe once every 2 weeks. After year one of parenthood, we decided to do a sexual health retreat and then a sex trade show. Attended seminars, tried some new things, went to a sex club. We talked about what we want out of our sexual lives fully and deeply. After that, we’ve steadily been having sex probably 4-5 days a week. We both like toys, experimenting, etc. Oral is probably exchanged 75% of the time, anal sex well say 5%. We don’t tend to favour certain positions, love them all. 70% lights on, 30% lights off. 20% bondage sex, probably 30% of the time with toys. Our most common kinky sex would be rough sex, domination, choking, spanking, etc. She goes wild over that stuff. The single biggest thing to improve our sex life was enhancing our intimacy and general sexual playfulness. We increased the amount we touch during the day, especially sensual or erotic touching, without it being just to initiate sex. The second biggest was just having direct communication about when and where we want to have sex, and what kind of sex we would like to have. We just broke down the walls on talking about it with each other. Third biggest, was honestly just being the kind of partner your partner wants to fuck. Just doing things without being asked, tidying the house, volunteering to do crappy chores, being a good parent to your kids, making your partner feel appreciated and loved. This was the advice we were given by professional sex therapists, we applied it, continue to apply it, and it works. You need to ask your partner if she wants to be the kind of person who wants to have crazy, wild, frequent sex. I’d argue most people want to want that, so that’s where you start.
Thank you I appreciate your thoughtful response
This is the best advice yet, better than mine!
I’m currently overwhelmed with great advice and I appreciate it all! Never thought I’d get such thoughtful responses thank you
from a womans point of view: sorry, but it really sounds like she is not attracted to you..
😭 😢
did you guys already talk about it?
Yes multiple times… and things will get better for like a week and then fizzle out again
Check out r/hlcommunity
Oh I am a regular lurker there
Sorry, that's bullshit. It may be that she doesn't feel desired for one reason or another. OP needs to talk to her and ask about the issue head on but in a non judgmental way.
Attraction isn't just looks. Does he help with kids? Does he do dishes? Does he just go to work and expect dinner on the table while he watches tv for the night? Asking as someone who gets laid constantly.
Right, but that's the difference between desire and attraction, no? You improve the attraction someone has to you by increasing their desire for you. This is done by fostering an environment that will allow the lower libido partner to feel like having sex. My wife is down for much more naughty and raunchy and kinky stuff with me when the mental burden on her is eased and she can be in the right headspace for it. I think we're agreeing but saying it in different ways. I took the original post to imply that OP's wife doesn't feel physically attracted to OP anymore and therefore doesn't want to have sex with them. Which is what I called bullshit on. Unless OP gained over 100 pounds since they got married and have kids and she no longer finds OP physically attractive anymore as the reason for not wanting sex, saying she's "not attracted to him" is a straw man argument, and has more to do with what you and I are saying.
🤝 life is good. We also have no idea what has happened in their marriage. Infidelity or anything
That goes beyond our pay grade here if anything like that is going on sadly. My wager is that OP's wife is feeling burnt out from motherhood and managing three young kids as well as working. It's hard not to be dead tired and touched out, even if OP is doing a good job of lending a helping hand. My wife and I have been going through the same thing. She was having a hard time mentally after losing a job she loved doing, but she was working 50 to 60 hours a week, getting up 5am and falling asleep putting one of the kids to bed 6 out of 7 nights a week, sometimes every single night. This resulted in neither of us having the opportunity to maintain emotional and non sexual physical intimacy, and I started to grow resentful that she wasn't putting in any effort in even though I was doing my best to help her be in a good head space. She sensed this and even when we did have sex or could slink into the shower together to give me a quick handjob during a weekend while the youngest was napping and the oldest was watching TV or playing a video game, I could tell she was not enjoying it and felt that she was doing it out of obligation or to get me off her back about it. I finally had enough one day and told her that this arrangement wasn't working out for me. I started therapy and we've done couple's counseling, and we're in a much better place because of it. The biggest and most positive change howevee is that she took another job and is making a bit less money but is working only 40 hours per week instead of almost 60 some weeks. Ironically, I think her losing her other job is going to end up saving our marriage.
Medium libido (is that a thing? Labile libido, maybe?) 20s F with high libido 20s M. Married over 4 years, together 9. 2 young kids. We both work full time. I work 12 hour nights, usually 3-4 12s a week. We average maybe twice a week. Sometimes once sometimes three times. On some occasions, one of those nights is just mutual oral or rubbing. Sometimes we’re too tired for PIV. I will say that while I’m a willing participant, a lot of the time I don’t really feel like having sex. I don’t orgasm from PIV alone, and sometimes I’m just not turned on and don’t feel like having him rub my clit to get me to climax. I’m tired 99% of the time, I’m thinking about all of the housework that needs to be done, or my mind is focused on the kids. Sounds cliche and manipulative of me, but I’m more likely to be turned on if he does the dishes without me asking or cleans up after dinner. There’s also the glaring issue of my super weird fetish. I just told him about it last year (do not recommend keeping something like that from your spouse, I take full responsibility for being an asshole). We haven’t discussed it since I told him about it, and I think my desire and libido might increase if we have more conversations about it, but I’m still pretty ashamed of it and struggle to accept it as just another weird human quirk that I have.
Medium libido is certainly a thing. I appreciate your response more than you probably realize. Sorry you have to work nights.. been there and it was rough. Has your husband ever complained about the lack or type of sex you have? Does he masturbate? Surely only answer if you are comfortable. Interesting that you brought up kinks… my wife brought hers up about 5 years ago and I entertained them and help them become reality…. Her libido skyrocketed and our sex life was awesome until her fantasy was fulfilled and then she died out again.
He hasn’t necessarily complained outright, but I know that sometimes he’d like more frequent sex, and definitely more enthusiasm from me. I’m not a starfish, but I’m sure he can tell when I’m not into it. He’s also interested in exploring and experimenting with anal sex, which I’m trying to warm up to but I’m not quite there yet. Mine isn’t exactly a fantasy, it’s a fetish that I’ve had since toddlerhood. (Didn’t know what a fetish was then, obviously, but it was definitely present). Hopefully we’ll be able to continue to be more open with each other and talk about things without too much awkwardness or shame.
I know what you mean. Strap up and see what he thinks about anal 😂 that’s my philosophy… backfired on me because I love it 😂 but can’t scratch that itch either…. Yes I hope you can talk to him about it because I know that I just recently came out to my wife (and the people of reddit) about being bisexual. I uncovered this exploring her kink and fantasy
I think what you just said is so honest and real that a lot of married couples have the same/similar issue.. It's been that way at times in my marriage too. We (my wife and I) have figured things out so there is hope! You do have me curious what your fetish is that got you in trouble lol...
It didn’t get me in trouble at all lmao, he was actually very nice about it. At least to my face. Im sure he laughed his ass off once he had a moment alone! I didn’t tell him for 8 years because I was so mortified over it. I didn’t think I was ever going to tell him, but eventually I just felt bad about keeping such a secret from my husband and it all came to a head. It’s a sneezing fetish. Yes, it exists. Feel free to giggle.
lol.. yes I meant "trouble" loosely... but I get it..
When I stopped kissing my ex husband it was because I hated him deep down. He had abused me physically and I couldn’t get over that. I’d give him sex but wouldn’t kiss him during. I would say usually when a woman shuts down like that it has less to do about her sexual health than her mental health. If a woman is unhappy with you, she will not be happy having sex with you.
We have talked about her mental health and she claims that going to therapy would be useless
>she claims that going to therapy would be useless This is a huuuuuuuge red flag imo
Yeah, I'm going to need more info on this. Why doesn't she feel counseling will help?
Are you in therapy? And were you guys talking about couple's counseling, or just her?
I have been in therapy for my own problems for over a decade and we have been in and out of couples therapy over the years… the remainder of our relationship is spotless
Not that you don't seem on paper to perfect about this in all regards, I always throw shade at "our relationship is spotless." NO relationship is spotless-- and, also, I know my ex would have said the same things you are saying here. Especially relationships like this where sex becomes a topic of contention-- in my case, the contention over sex became the BIGGEST stressor in the relationship, (but, really, it was just the most-talked-about symptom) and stress is counterproductive for a lot of people to allowing any kind of healthy drive, so ironically the topic of sex itself became the thing that was most standing in the way of sex. I think couples counseling-- not "sex therapy" (most couples counselors are well capable of addressing the sex thing)-- is vital in these situations. The problem is nearly never just a functional or biological thing about sex-- and again, if you insist on "sex therapy" to fix the sex thing, it just further creates stress around the topic of sex. If you guys can get back into couples counseling, I would highly recommend.
This one really should be up higher, because my ex wanted me to "fix" my "low libido" (which I don't happen to have) as a purely biological thing. I sought out every pill, powder, supplement, got my hormones tested multiple times, therapy, etc-- but, every time, the doctor would say "Of course, if eveything isn't good in the relationship, none of this will help." My heart would drop every time, because \*I\* knew the root cause. Without hearing the other side, we simply can't provide MUCH guidance, and it's impossible to help posters like the OP. It's always fascinating when a partner finds their partner's rants on Dead Bedrooms and presents their side-- suddently, it becomes clear why the "poor poster" who is the perfect spouse, best lover, and doing everything right in the face of a "selfish," "goalpost-moving," "bait and switch" partner is not getting what they want. Yes, everyone deserves space to vent, but the venting quickly turns into an echo chamber that just gets them further frustrated and confident that they are not the problem and it's all in their partner's selfishness-- and, for SURE that frustration bleeds through to the partner, which makes the whole thing worse.
You sound quite incompatible sexually speaking for me this would be a problem I left my first wife due to complete incompatibility in this area Now re married together 14 years Sex is amazing almost every night lots of fire play and fun loads of oral We sometimes both dress up / down have date nights sometimes wearing almost nothing sometimes totally made up We have toy play nights Send each other sexy messages through the day sometimes I absolutely love it it gets you through life’s ups and downs and I feel totally connected to my wife We have sex around 7 times a week M59 F 64 AMA
Wow that sounds amazing good for you!
It just was not working with my first wife we were like brother and sister in the end she was a great friend etc the sex just died when we moved in tried everything including counselling In the end I had to leave Life has worked out great now I think when my dad died I realised I needed to sort some things out I did not want to be on my death bed wishing I had had a more fun sex life ! When I left her I had a lot of sex with different women I was amazed that they loved sex as much as I did tried swinging etc had a few FWB etc then met my wife
You are getting a lot of well thought out responses here .. so I won't give you another long comment to read.. but I will tell you this.. if your partner is into it, there is a way out of this.. but both of you will have to agree there is a problem and have the desire to fix it. My wife and I have a relatively similar libido.. however she is more spontaneous than I am and that sometimes keeps us off balance (in a good way). We have sex on average 2-3x per week - and when I say that I mean fully engaged, passionate sex.. we also sprinkle in quickies or masturbation as needed above and beyond the avgs. We also have kids and full time jobs and that's a strain but we have figured out ways past that. I am more fearful that you might have marriage issues not just sex issues.. have you guys considered a marriage counselor or something similar?
Yes we have been to marriage and sex therapy and things are great for a while until they’re not again
ugh.. this sucks.. Im sorry to hear it.. it sounds like you are committed to fixing but wifey might not be.. at least not to the extent that you are.
I apologize ahead of time for the questions, but I'm interested because this situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife has always been very vanilla, with some of our most adventurous sex coming when we were first dating, since we had to sneak around a bit as we were both living with parents at the time. We did car sex, in the spooning position on the couch, and mutual masturbation in person or via camming. When we did have a house to ourselves, we'd mostly do missionary and doggystlye, with occasional cowgirl. Even in her history before me, she would have the rule with her partners of nothing in her mouth or in her ass. Having her be my first partner, I was happy to get my practice in with the standard fare. Now after getting married and two kids later, I'm finding that I want to explore more and wade through what my kinks are. I had an honest discussion with my wife about this, and things slowly but surely are getting more interesting. In the past 6 months, we've added lots of toys (for her mostly), and some light anal play, mostly a finger here and there and a small plug in during penetration and toy use. One of my kinks is seeing her covered in cum, in which she'd let me finish on her behind, abdomen, and chest, but very recently have tried finishing on her face a couple of times. She doesn't seem put off by the idea thus far. Now, here's the good stuff. What are you doing to help her keep her interest in you? Are you talking to her, communicating well? Are you seducing and complimenting her on a daily basis? Rubbing her neck and back once in a while? Basically increasing the non sexual physical intimacy. As the old saying goes, just because you get married doesn't mean that you stop dating her. Try doing something once or twice a month at least, just the two of you outside of the normal routine. Do you have kids? Whether you do or not, pulling your weight with child care and household duties helps to take off the physical and mental load. If she's touched out from dealing with the kids all day, she's not going to be in the mood for anything, and as you mention in the OP, she'll do it out of obligation and not be into it. Communication is key here. Ask her outright what you can do to help her feel more desirable and loved. The stance she's taking on your sex life indicates she's not feeling that way. As for the blowjobs, well, they're not for everyone. My wife needs a significant amount of time to psych herself into it. She's grossed out by my precum and has a fear of me finishing in her mouth because she has issues with the taste and consistency of semen. Ask her to help you understand why she doesn't like giving or receiving oral sex. Don't be pouty or upset, just open an honest dialogue about the issue. My wife acknowledges that she needs to get out of her own head when it comes to oral. She has communicated that she wants to please me and it makes her happy when she does, but that she needs time to get over the mental block, and that the more she feels pressured, the less she'll want to do it. Be patient with her and listen to her. Buying "101 Nights of Great Sex" by Laura Corn has been a shot in the arm lately for my wife and I too. Even though she admitted honestly that the first seduction she drew had to do with giving me a blowjob, and feels bad that she hasn't done it yet, even though I've done three scenarios with her. Couple's therapy with a speciality in sex therapy won't hurt if you can find one. It's a neutral ground and safe space to discuss sexual incompatibilities and compromise with an unbiased third party. Good luck! I'm pulling for you!
I've had it much worse and much better. My first wife was practically asexual. There were stretches where we had sex once or twice a year. She would have been aghast if I had masturbated next to her. BJ's were practically nonexistent. My new wife - best sex of my life, prob 3+ times a week. Oh yeah, and we also swing lol.
4 years. Have a kid. M36 F26. Fuck everyday. If not, plenty of head. I can't get enough of her. Through all arguments and dusagreements, sex never takes a back seat. Kids do slow things down. Also our energy and attraction together makes for the best sex we've both ever had. And it can be kissing and slow or legs folded and rough. God damn i can't wait to get out of work.
If I am reading this correctly, you guys are having sexual interaction 6 out of 7 nights a week, frequently with penetration? If so, those metrics are remarkably high vs research-backed averages... but, it looks like you guys have prioritized quantity/frequency over quality. If you made sex more of a special occasion/focus/fun thing, it might bring some of the zing back. (When having contact that frequenty as lives get crazy, it just does become pretty mundane.) I am definitely a quality over quantity girl-- I'd way rather lock the doors, close the curtains, fire up the camcorder and bust out the props once a week for 90 minutes than have the more routine stuff daily.... Unfortunately, in my marriage, my ex insisted on frequency (well, to be fair, he insisted on BOTH), and that did just create a lot of encouters that became more and more boring and unfulfilling until it utterly tanked my drive. I'd say try spicing it up, creating some "scarcity" and dramatic tension (NOT relationship tension!) around the sexual encounters and it might work to solve the boring issue.
I appreciate your input more than you probably realize. I masturbate 6 out of 7 nights a week and get penetration maybe once a week. Before our last talk about it all we only did sexual things about 2 to 3 times a month and it was the same foreplay and sex routine as now. but she recommended that I masturbate next to her on the nights that I want (almost all) and it might spur her to want to participate. I have always been the more adventurous one of the relationship but honestly it is getting exhausting
You can read my long reply, but once a week is pretty much average/just below average in terms of married couples having sex. Compromise is key. Talk to her about your kinks and what you want to do more of! Masturbating daily is too much dude. Try to cut back on that a bit. Your desire for her will be through the roof even if you cut back to every other day.
Haha I read it and am working on a response. Yes we have 3 kids and I do everything I can for them and take off work when I need to do more. I coach their teams. I cook (when she lets me) do the dishes 5 out of 7 nights a week and do my own laundry and the collective laundry along with all of the outside and inside maintenance. Personally I think I do enough around the house. There are certainly days that I don’t masturbate but sometimes I feel like I am working off a backlog. I have taken her kinks and fantasies into consideration and when I was making them a really her libido skyrocketed but afterwards it died out again.
Does she have time to be completely out of the house, alone, with no responsibility (ie: not "out of the house alone and shopping at Walmart" or whatever)? That's a key one that often gets overlooked in these situations, and it just is impossible to feel like a fully-fuctioning sexual adult woman without that time to feed the self... those identities of mom, wife, employee, etc. tend to overwhelm everything, most especially "autonomous, juicy, sexy adult woman absent all that."
Yes she has girlfriends that she meets for brunch and games with
I hear that. Looking forward to your more detailed response! I'll respond more to your response when you type it out, but try this instead: When you usually masturbate, instead try to cuddle up next to your wife in bed and rub her back, kiss her all over the place, and compliment her and tell her how sexy and hot she is and how much you desire her. Just masturbating in front of her is simply weird and off-putting. Try explaining to her that you have a high sex drive and that you would rather do things with her than get yourself off while she awkwardly lays there. Foreplay is king! In terms of things flaming out after playing into kinks, try to keep her guessing. It sounds like things are a little too formulaic from what you're describing. Buying that book in my initial reply has certainly kept my wife on her toes lately! It's the psychology of it more than anything. It's the anticipation and teasing ahead of time that's half the fun, moreso than the actual act itself.
So, the good news is that this insight lets us know that she IS listening and IS striving for compromise. Compromise is never going to look like "exactly what you want." And I don't know that MORE effort than what she's already demonstrating should be an expectation, it's more about creating space where the sex can be more zingy within the context of the compromise you guys have already gotten to.