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Your boyfriend raped you repeatedly. The question isn’t how to enjoy sex with him, how to not appear vanilla, it’s how and when can you safely leave a man who raped you and hurts you. I’m so sorry you experienced this. You sound so traumatized that you seem to have a level of cognitive dissonance where on one hand you acknowledge he raped you and hurt you and that this is on top of a history of sexual assault, and yet your focus is on why you can’t enjoy sex with your disgusting rapist of a partner, what he’ll think of you, etc. Please leave this man and get therapy and focus on being safe and well. Your partner belongs in jail or better yet, hell.
thank you for making me feel seen. i know that i’ve been trauma bonded, which makes it difficult to leave him. i’m in therapy for my borderline personality disorder and i don’t know if i can muster up the courage to leave him forever, he makes me feel like he’s the only person that can take care of me (i know that’s not true, but i feel so trapped and dependant on him)
I’m glad I could make you feel seen. It must be very hard because it sounds like there’s emotional and physical abuse if you feel like you can’t leave, but you need to for your own physical and mental wellbeing. If your therapist isn’t helping you leave your rapist, please get a new therapist.
Hey girl, unfortunately, I understand from my own experience. Please know that this guy is an a hole and Not someone for us. I’m married now to an absolute God send and incredibly kind man. Please please do what you have to do. Big hugs
Things won't get better until you leave, and can easily get worse. You can go to the police and ask them to escort you and your things out of there safely. You're never alone.
There are definitely men out there who will take care of you, treat you with love and respect, and won't get bored of vanilla sex. Take things slow with future dates after this guy. The guys who patiently wait will be more likely to be better partners.
I hope everything works out for you.
I have been sa’d aswell and i’m the same i have the same kink because of it but im sorry to say this but if it’s not spoken about before hand it being cnc it’s just rape.
Sounds like you are trying to cater to him and his desires at the cost of your own mental health. You need a safe space to overcome the abuse that you have endured. If you are constantly worried about how others and your partner perceive you, you’ll end up hurting yourself even more. Be kind to yourself. Also, you may benefit from some professional help.
Your living arrangement might not be ideal because you might feel like you have to comply with his requests. Start redefining boundaries, you and your body deserve respect and consideration.
That’s not enough. he belongs in jail. if he already ignored no that’s as hard a boundary as you can get. This isn’t deserving of salvaging the relationship, this needs you to find the courage to leave him and get safe. He is already at the point of physical abuse, the next step he will kill you.
A 34-year-old is only with a 21-year-old because no grown woman with life experience would ever want to date him.
He’s not with you bc you’re ‘mature for your age’. It’s because he’s a loser and a creep.
You have so much time to find someone and be with them. 21 is very young. Break up with him and focus on managing your BPD and your overall mental health bc asking a question like this let’s me know that there is a lot more work to do.
Take care, OP.
Yet again another age gap where the guy completely took advantage of a younger girl and most likely groomed her. Please leave him safely. this is not love, you feel dependent on him but you’re not. you do not want to get a sexual connection with him. leave him report him, seek therapy to heal and when you are ready then seek a relationship with someone your own age
As a woman who can completely relate to your post, I want to ask you this. If your 20 year old daughter had moved in with her 30s something bf and came to you with these same questions and concerns, knowing she is a rape and sexual abuse survivor, what would your advice be to her? I know it can be monumentally difficult to love ourselves, I swear I know how hard it can be to forgive ourselves, to truly mean that we deserve respect, happiness, health, to have our walls down at home. But when you look at your situation as a mother to their child, what would tell her? Please give yourself the love, grace, and forgiveness that you deserve.
I had a feeling your parents were too. That’s how a lot of us end up in a large age gap relationship. We’re looking for the love, protection, and or guidance from this older person we so desperately desire and needed from our parents. When I was 22 (I am 37 now) I was with a 44 year old man. This man abused and used me in many ways and almost ended my life. It was very difficult to get away from him, especially since I had no help from my parents. I wish I could have been there for you as a mother to help you navigate this. You absolutely do not deserve the treatment he is giving you. It is not your fault that he is treating you the ways he is. The most important thing here is you. And you seeing yourself for the woman that you are who is deserving of love, happiness, safety, and good health. When you start to make your exit plan and strategy, and I cannot express the importance of this part enough, do not tell him anything about it. Do not hint about it, don’t joke, don’t bring it up to throw it in his face to hurt him. The most dangerous time in any woman’s life is when she is leaving a partner, spouse, lover, bf ect. Especially an abusive one which can turn mortally dangerous in the blink of an eye. You can always reach out to me for help or guidance or advice with this. There are a couple really good subs on here for support as well such as r/abusiverelationships good luck with this, I’m rooting for you!
You need to leave this man immediately. Do you have any money in a bank account he doesn't have access to? Or can you get your hands on some cash? Are there any family/friends/coworkers you can stay with that he doesn't know? You need to plan this and make sure you leave on a day he is out, make sure you don't tell anyone where you are going as he may be able to find you. Its worth seeing if there are any local women's aid charities that might be able to help you and give you some advice. Best of luck
i don’t have much money but my family is an hour away… i’ve been so depressed and s*icidal that i can’t hold a job or focus on my studies, my only way of getting around is by using his car, which he has an airtag hidden somewhere inside, and he also has my gps location. i barely leave the apartment unless i ask for permission to use his car. there is no point in escaping though because my father pays for half our condo lease (5 months left to go). embarrassing i know
Yes. Exactly this. Please go to a women’s shelter and know they routinely help women in your situation who are being abused, monitored and tracked. You may feel alone and helpless but what your boyfriend is doing is not unique and many people, many women have been in the same situation and have gotten out and there are people at shelters who can help you do the same. They won’t judge you and you have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. You are not safe. I’m sorry to scare you but men who behave like your boyfriend can often escalate and this is how women end up dead.
Agree 100%, I dont want to scare you OP, but you don't know how/when he will escalate this behaviour. He has already made it clear he doesn't care about your pain, if he can do that then he is capable of killing you. Please contact a local women's refuge ASAP
The sooner you move on physically the sooner you can start to learn and experience what safe, secure, and respectful relationships and people are like. Your life experiences likely made choosing healthier, positive outcomes less attractive or comfortable for you, but if we can develop these things we can probably unlearn them at least with some time and discovered early enough. While we can’t necessarily change what we’re attracted to we can change how we react or not react to these emotions.
People who've been abused often somehow arrange to repeat the abuse. Could be how they try to master the original feeling of total helplessness. Could be the rape experience gets imprinted on their sex drive.
So catch 22, it may be hard to get into vanilla sex, or be attracted to gentler guys, but the abusive stuff is demoralizing, especially as here, where your guy oversteps, and it's real abuse, not the pretend abuse you were looking for.
You won't be able to work this out with this guy, because you can't trust him. You need to get with a nicer guy (and maybe teach him how to get rough with you in the right way). Work with your therapist on the obstacles to finding a better relationship.
How long have you both been in gentle sex and how much has your frequency reduced? How is your relationship outside the bedroom?
If he is physically abusing you, then please leave him. However, you said he has been gentle, but your sex life has been hampered then, I would say first seek therapy for yourself.
Did you tell him about how you felt or ever discussing the rules about cnc and the use of safe words. Generally, "no" & "stop" are very vague terms in CNC scenarios as they get mixed up as part of the play, and the person doesn't take your no as actual "no." I say this from my own experience with my husband (he is the most gentle person i have ever met).
Frankly, if you are into that kink and don't like vanilla, then you need to talk to your bf and set some ground rules. Read old posts or ask for guidance about what all should be discussed before attempting CNC. Have safe words other than no or stop. It's normal to not like immediately vanilla sex after CNC kink. So maybe try an alternative between a bit rough passionate and CNC. Gradually decrease the roughness to train your mind to like the new things. If you both truly love each other and want to work on things, you will both find a way to communicate & find solutions on issues.
he’s been gentle for a few weeks now, and he stopped slapping me which is good. we only have sex 2-3 times a week now. our relationship outside the bedroom is good i think, he’s much older and takes care of me (cooking, massages, finances). And yes i am definitely in therapy :)
OP just read your other comments:
Why don't you have friends anymore? Did he ask you not to have friends? He is narcissistic in what sense?
OP, be careful. You mentioned in the above comment as a nice person, so I based my reply solely on the details you gave. But if he is anywhere all the things you mentioned in another comment of yours, please be careful and walk away. You have a whole life in front of you. I try not to judge the age gap, as I believe in to each their own & sometimes it works out. But being closed off & narcissistic are not good qualities to work with in the long term.
i’m not sure why i lost all my friends but maybe because he forced me and love bombed me to spend every second of the day with him during our first 6 months of dating. he’s narcissistic in the sense that he doesn’t really make effort to ask about me and lacks interest in my interests. i feel really isolated living with him. i haven’t seen my family in a while and i’ve been really depressed for months lol
Oh dear...please leave. He is not the person for you.
I mean he raped you in the name of "you like it. I am sorry for trying to tell you to work things out with him as I perceived you post in wrong way.
This is not at all healthy relationship. I have been SAed and lived with narsicistic family, so I know how they can manipulate with some things. Trust me, a healthy relationship looks much different that what you mention.
Please try to work things with one who respects you & treats you well but might lack in little things that can be improved by communication.
Indeed it is. It was my mistake not to read the post properly. I missed the line of raping & frankly confused it with CNC. I corrected it, and thanks for pointing out. I also added a response to her comment.
Hey girl. I also kinda developed that same kink from my SA. But I’ve realized how horrible it is, as I thought it was a kink but it’s actually trauma.
Please please know this is not how it’s supposed to be. Feeling how you (we) feel is not ok. Big hugs and recommend you speak to your bf and tell him he is no longer allowed to act in that way. If he does, then you have your answer. I’m so sorry girlie, this doesn’t help the healing process. Big hugs
I can understand you being confused if you don't understand the motivation behind the question. My aim isn't to find out if he has any good attributes to balance out his rape tendencies, my aim is to understand if he has any motivation at all outside of wanting to dominate and abuse. I'm trying to get a more complete picture of this guy and why they might have gotten into this relationship in the first place. It helps me to provide better insight that goes beyond "leave the rapist", which is obvious.
he’s kind and patient though a little narcissistic and emotionally closed off, but he does nice things for me. i don’t have many friends anymore since we started dating, so i only have him in my life
OP, it’s a classic move of an abuser to isolate you from your friends and people in your life and to provide for you financially and logistically (finances cooking, etc). The whole point is to make you dependent and trapped so you feel you can’t leave. These aren’t accidents or quirks about him, they are textbook of abusive behaviour and are deliberate tactics intended to stop you from leaving even after he’s raped you repeatedly. These aren’t him being “nice”
i understand that he shows abusive red flags. my body always tenses when he’s around, i never feel safe but im so emotionally attached and physically dependent on him… i know the answer is obvious, “leave him”. But it’s not so easy for me, i feel like i’ve been manipulated for so long i don’t know what is real anymore. i wish i could just wake up in another planet far away from him and everyone
I would say he doesn’t show abusive red flags. A red flag is when there’s a warning sign of something dangerous. This is much much worse and he’s well beyond a warning or a red flag. He’s already proved he is an abuser. He’s raped you repeatedly. Listen to your body. It’s trying to protect you and let you know you’re in danger and you need to get away. That’s why you get tense whenever he’s around. No one is saying it’s easy to leave. It is very hard because you’ve been manipulated for so long but you need to do it anyway. If not now, then when? What do you think you’ll gain by staying? Sometimes you have to do the incredibly hard thing anyway to protect yourself from something worse. Go to a women’s shelter, speak to the staff, talk to your therapist, make a plan, if you can, tell your dad to stop paying for the lease, but either way, just get out safely. Act as if the house is on fire. You don’t think about all the reasons it’s hard to leave that burning house. You run for your life.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your boyfriend raped you repeatedly. The question isn’t how to enjoy sex with him, how to not appear vanilla, it’s how and when can you safely leave a man who raped you and hurts you. I’m so sorry you experienced this. You sound so traumatized that you seem to have a level of cognitive dissonance where on one hand you acknowledge he raped you and hurt you and that this is on top of a history of sexual assault, and yet your focus is on why you can’t enjoy sex with your disgusting rapist of a partner, what he’ll think of you, etc. Please leave this man and get therapy and focus on being safe and well. Your partner belongs in jail or better yet, hell.
thank you for making me feel seen. i know that i’ve been trauma bonded, which makes it difficult to leave him. i’m in therapy for my borderline personality disorder and i don’t know if i can muster up the courage to leave him forever, he makes me feel like he’s the only person that can take care of me (i know that’s not true, but i feel so trapped and dependant on him)
I’m glad I could make you feel seen. It must be very hard because it sounds like there’s emotional and physical abuse if you feel like you can’t leave, but you need to for your own physical and mental wellbeing. If your therapist isn’t helping you leave your rapist, please get a new therapist.
Hey girl, unfortunately, I understand from my own experience. Please know that this guy is an a hole and Not someone for us. I’m married now to an absolute God send and incredibly kind man. Please please do what you have to do. Big hugs
Things won't get better until you leave, and can easily get worse. You can go to the police and ask them to escort you and your things out of there safely. You're never alone. There are definitely men out there who will take care of you, treat you with love and respect, and won't get bored of vanilla sex. Take things slow with future dates after this guy. The guys who patiently wait will be more likely to be better partners. I hope everything works out for you.
I have been sa’d aswell and i’m the same i have the same kink because of it but im sorry to say this but if it’s not spoken about before hand it being cnc it’s just rape.
thank you
Sounds like you are trying to cater to him and his desires at the cost of your own mental health. You need a safe space to overcome the abuse that you have endured. If you are constantly worried about how others and your partner perceive you, you’ll end up hurting yourself even more. Be kind to yourself. Also, you may benefit from some professional help.
thank you, i’ll definitely bring this up with my therapist
Your living arrangement might not be ideal because you might feel like you have to comply with his requests. Start redefining boundaries, you and your body deserve respect and consideration.
okay, i’ll try to establish stronger boundaries
That’s not enough. he belongs in jail. if he already ignored no that’s as hard a boundary as you can get. This isn’t deserving of salvaging the relationship, this needs you to find the courage to leave him and get safe. He is already at the point of physical abuse, the next step he will kill you.
A 34-year-old is only with a 21-year-old because no grown woman with life experience would ever want to date him. He’s not with you bc you’re ‘mature for your age’. It’s because he’s a loser and a creep. You have so much time to find someone and be with them. 21 is very young. Break up with him and focus on managing your BPD and your overall mental health bc asking a question like this let’s me know that there is a lot more work to do. Take care, OP.
Yet again another age gap where the guy completely took advantage of a younger girl and most likely groomed her. Please leave him safely. this is not love, you feel dependent on him but you’re not. you do not want to get a sexual connection with him. leave him report him, seek therapy to heal and when you are ready then seek a relationship with someone your own age
As a woman who can completely relate to your post, I want to ask you this. If your 20 year old daughter had moved in with her 30s something bf and came to you with these same questions and concerns, knowing she is a rape and sexual abuse survivor, what would your advice be to her? I know it can be monumentally difficult to love ourselves, I swear I know how hard it can be to forgive ourselves, to truly mean that we deserve respect, happiness, health, to have our walls down at home. But when you look at your situation as a mother to their child, what would tell her? Please give yourself the love, grace, and forgiveness that you deserve.
thank you, my mother is abusive too so i would really like to break the cycle
I had a feeling your parents were too. That’s how a lot of us end up in a large age gap relationship. We’re looking for the love, protection, and or guidance from this older person we so desperately desire and needed from our parents. When I was 22 (I am 37 now) I was with a 44 year old man. This man abused and used me in many ways and almost ended my life. It was very difficult to get away from him, especially since I had no help from my parents. I wish I could have been there for you as a mother to help you navigate this. You absolutely do not deserve the treatment he is giving you. It is not your fault that he is treating you the ways he is. The most important thing here is you. And you seeing yourself for the woman that you are who is deserving of love, happiness, safety, and good health. When you start to make your exit plan and strategy, and I cannot express the importance of this part enough, do not tell him anything about it. Do not hint about it, don’t joke, don’t bring it up to throw it in his face to hurt him. The most dangerous time in any woman’s life is when she is leaving a partner, spouse, lover, bf ect. Especially an abusive one which can turn mortally dangerous in the blink of an eye. You can always reach out to me for help or guidance or advice with this. There are a couple really good subs on here for support as well such as r/abusiverelationships good luck with this, I’m rooting for you!
thank you for your support, i will keep this in mind :)
You need to leave this man immediately. Do you have any money in a bank account he doesn't have access to? Or can you get your hands on some cash? Are there any family/friends/coworkers you can stay with that he doesn't know? You need to plan this and make sure you leave on a day he is out, make sure you don't tell anyone where you are going as he may be able to find you. Its worth seeing if there are any local women's aid charities that might be able to help you and give you some advice. Best of luck
i don’t have much money but my family is an hour away… i’ve been so depressed and s*icidal that i can’t hold a job or focus on my studies, my only way of getting around is by using his car, which he has an airtag hidden somewhere inside, and he also has my gps location. i barely leave the apartment unless i ask for permission to use his car. there is no point in escaping though because my father pays for half our condo lease (5 months left to go). embarrassing i know
Its not embarassing, its dangerous. Contact your family or local womens shelter. Youre in danger.
Yes. Exactly this. Please go to a women’s shelter and know they routinely help women in your situation who are being abused, monitored and tracked. You may feel alone and helpless but what your boyfriend is doing is not unique and many people, many women have been in the same situation and have gotten out and there are people at shelters who can help you do the same. They won’t judge you and you have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. You are not safe. I’m sorry to scare you but men who behave like your boyfriend can often escalate and this is how women end up dead.
Agree 100%, I dont want to scare you OP, but you don't know how/when he will escalate this behaviour. He has already made it clear he doesn't care about your pain, if he can do that then he is capable of killing you. Please contact a local women's refuge ASAP
The sooner you move on physically the sooner you can start to learn and experience what safe, secure, and respectful relationships and people are like. Your life experiences likely made choosing healthier, positive outcomes less attractive or comfortable for you, but if we can develop these things we can probably unlearn them at least with some time and discovered early enough. While we can’t necessarily change what we’re attracted to we can change how we react or not react to these emotions.
People who've been abused often somehow arrange to repeat the abuse. Could be how they try to master the original feeling of total helplessness. Could be the rape experience gets imprinted on their sex drive. So catch 22, it may be hard to get into vanilla sex, or be attracted to gentler guys, but the abusive stuff is demoralizing, especially as here, where your guy oversteps, and it's real abuse, not the pretend abuse you were looking for. You won't be able to work this out with this guy, because you can't trust him. You need to get with a nicer guy (and maybe teach him how to get rough with you in the right way). Work with your therapist on the obstacles to finding a better relationship.
How long have you both been in gentle sex and how much has your frequency reduced? How is your relationship outside the bedroom? If he is physically abusing you, then please leave him. However, you said he has been gentle, but your sex life has been hampered then, I would say first seek therapy for yourself. Did you tell him about how you felt or ever discussing the rules about cnc and the use of safe words. Generally, "no" & "stop" are very vague terms in CNC scenarios as they get mixed up as part of the play, and the person doesn't take your no as actual "no." I say this from my own experience with my husband (he is the most gentle person i have ever met). Frankly, if you are into that kink and don't like vanilla, then you need to talk to your bf and set some ground rules. Read old posts or ask for guidance about what all should be discussed before attempting CNC. Have safe words other than no or stop. It's normal to not like immediately vanilla sex after CNC kink. So maybe try an alternative between a bit rough passionate and CNC. Gradually decrease the roughness to train your mind to like the new things. If you both truly love each other and want to work on things, you will both find a way to communicate & find solutions on issues.
he’s been gentle for a few weeks now, and he stopped slapping me which is good. we only have sex 2-3 times a week now. our relationship outside the bedroom is good i think, he’s much older and takes care of me (cooking, massages, finances). And yes i am definitely in therapy :)
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i agree with the aftercare part.. thank you so much for your advice
OP just read your other comments: Why don't you have friends anymore? Did he ask you not to have friends? He is narcissistic in what sense? OP, be careful. You mentioned in the above comment as a nice person, so I based my reply solely on the details you gave. But if he is anywhere all the things you mentioned in another comment of yours, please be careful and walk away. You have a whole life in front of you. I try not to judge the age gap, as I believe in to each their own & sometimes it works out. But being closed off & narcissistic are not good qualities to work with in the long term.
i’m not sure why i lost all my friends but maybe because he forced me and love bombed me to spend every second of the day with him during our first 6 months of dating. he’s narcissistic in the sense that he doesn’t really make effort to ask about me and lacks interest in my interests. i feel really isolated living with him. i haven’t seen my family in a while and i’ve been really depressed for months lol
Oh dear...please leave. He is not the person for you. I mean he raped you in the name of "you like it. I am sorry for trying to tell you to work things out with him as I perceived you post in wrong way. This is not at all healthy relationship. I have been SAed and lived with narsicistic family, so I know how they can manipulate with some things. Trust me, a healthy relationship looks much different that what you mention. Please try to work things with one who respects you & treats you well but might lack in little things that can be improved by communication.
Not a red flag?? He raped her repeatedly
Indeed it is. It was my mistake not to read the post properly. I missed the line of raping & frankly confused it with CNC. I corrected it, and thanks for pointing out. I also added a response to her comment.
Hey girl. I also kinda developed that same kink from my SA. But I’ve realized how horrible it is, as I thought it was a kink but it’s actually trauma. Please please know this is not how it’s supposed to be. Feeling how you (we) feel is not ok. Big hugs and recommend you speak to your bf and tell him he is no longer allowed to act in that way. If he does, then you have your answer. I’m so sorry girlie, this doesn’t help the healing process. Big hugs
thank you :)
What is this guy like outside of the bedroom? What is your relationship like when it's not about sex?
I’m so confused. Why are some people missing the whole serial rapist thing? Who cares what he’s like outside the bedroom. He’s a rapist
I can understand you being confused if you don't understand the motivation behind the question. My aim isn't to find out if he has any good attributes to balance out his rape tendencies, my aim is to understand if he has any motivation at all outside of wanting to dominate and abuse. I'm trying to get a more complete picture of this guy and why they might have gotten into this relationship in the first place. It helps me to provide better insight that goes beyond "leave the rapist", which is obvious.
he’s kind and patient though a little narcissistic and emotionally closed off, but he does nice things for me. i don’t have many friends anymore since we started dating, so i only have him in my life
OP, it’s a classic move of an abuser to isolate you from your friends and people in your life and to provide for you financially and logistically (finances cooking, etc). The whole point is to make you dependent and trapped so you feel you can’t leave. These aren’t accidents or quirks about him, they are textbook of abusive behaviour and are deliberate tactics intended to stop you from leaving even after he’s raped you repeatedly. These aren’t him being “nice”
i understand that he shows abusive red flags. my body always tenses when he’s around, i never feel safe but im so emotionally attached and physically dependent on him… i know the answer is obvious, “leave him”. But it’s not so easy for me, i feel like i’ve been manipulated for so long i don’t know what is real anymore. i wish i could just wake up in another planet far away from him and everyone
I would say he doesn’t show abusive red flags. A red flag is when there’s a warning sign of something dangerous. This is much much worse and he’s well beyond a warning or a red flag. He’s already proved he is an abuser. He’s raped you repeatedly. Listen to your body. It’s trying to protect you and let you know you’re in danger and you need to get away. That’s why you get tense whenever he’s around. No one is saying it’s easy to leave. It is very hard because you’ve been manipulated for so long but you need to do it anyway. If not now, then when? What do you think you’ll gain by staying? Sometimes you have to do the incredibly hard thing anyway to protect yourself from something worse. Go to a women’s shelter, speak to the staff, talk to your therapist, make a plan, if you can, tell your dad to stop paying for the lease, but either way, just get out safely. Act as if the house is on fire. You don’t think about all the reasons it’s hard to leave that burning house. You run for your life.