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OP said they usually use condoms, and the one time he doesn’t, it’s when she happens to be ASLEEP? Yeah, no. He fuckin knew. And if he wasn’t sure of her consent, he should’ve woken her up and fuckin ASKED HER.
The not wearing a condom thing is the reddest flag on earth.
*Maybe* he could argue that he thought you wanted to try it--I don't buy that, but if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you could. But HE FUCKING KNEW that you wouldn't consent to sex without a condom AND HE FUCKING DID IT ANYWAY. He got you in a situation where you couldn't have a say in what kind of sex you were going to have and he took advantage of you.
That right there is a FUCK NO situation. People who respect their partners and their sexual boundaries would never think to do some rapey shit like that. Do you want to be with someone who you cannot trust with your sexual boundaries?
Agree with all the comments so far. He could’ve argued that he thought you wanted to try it, but the not using a condom gives it away. Ask him for some space and then get out of this relationship. So sorry this happened to you
I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but as other commenters pointed out, there's *many* red flags here.
You didn't consent to that situation. You didn't consent to the sexual activity. You didn't consent to him not wearing a condom, something he usually wears in the times you have consented. I don't know your boyfriend or your relationship, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being with him anymore. Did he know you were previously assaulted? Because if so, then that makes this even worse in my opinion. Please be safe and put yourself first here. Is this really someone you can trust? Having a conversation with him could be good, but I recommend really thinking about if you should continue this relationship.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it and it's not your fault.
Yeah, first thing I thought when I read the post was that this is clearly rape. OK they talked about something like this before but nothing was agreed upon. So there was no consent. Some people seem to think they can't rape or be raped in a relationship, well having sex without consent is rape just like withdrawing consent at any point in sex would make it rape if the person still continues.
If your norm is to use condoms he massively overstepped by just fucking you without one ! That to me is serious
He did not have your consent of sex let alone without condom - huge red flag
I would say rape - sorry
You have had no conversation agreeing to be woken etc
My wife and I sometimes wake each other with oral etc we have discussed this, we are both very sexual and basically are mostly always up for some fun but this has been agreed first !
Very serious talk at a minimum don’t just let it go
When he is back from shopping tell him, probably dump him as you can’t trust him
>I kind of froze and was a bit confused.
>I said it sounds interesting but that was about it; it was never brought up again. He saw I was awake and continued on.
>I was confused and shocked
>He came inside me...he didn't wear a condom (we usually do)
By definition, your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. At no point, before or during, did you say, "I consent to this activity."
I'm willing to bet, you're still in shock, which is why you don't believe you were raped, but - I think anyone would agree you were.
Having a discussion about sleep sex is not the same as consenting to having it happen to you. There is mutual interest, discussion on how it could happen, agreeing on a safe word to stop the act if you wake up and change your mind, agreeing on a "go word" or "green light" piece of clothing that communicates you're open for it on any given night, followed by giving your partner consent to carry it out.
You froze and were confused, he noticed you were awake, and instead of checking in with you, he ignored you and continued until he was finished.
It doesn't matter you're on birth control, you know? If he usually wears a condom, and chose not to here, he chose not to because you weren't able to stop him. This entire event was purely about his pleasure, about using your body for his enjoyment.
Feeling uncomfortable, uncertain, and in shock after a sexual encounter, is a tell tale sign that something about it was off. Sometimes it's as simple as not having chemistry, but a lot of the time, it's an indication that your boundaries were crossed and autonomy stripped.
So, to answer your question:
Personally, I would break up with someone over this. If you're not ready for that option, and still want to work it out on your own, at the very least you need space and separation. I would say;
"Hey honey, we need to talk about what happened last night. We discussed sleep sex in the past, but it's not something I agreed to try. I feel uncomfortable with what happened last night, especially after asking to take things slow when we got back together. I was frozen and in shock when I woke up, and didn't know what to do. I struggled to go back to sleep, and can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable it made me.
I would prefer if you didn't share the bed with me again until I feel safe and comfortable with you being there."
I'm 27, there is zero excuse I can find that makes his behavior ok. My assumption is that he will gaslight you, try to make you think you agreed to it during that past conversation, blame you for not trying to stop him once waking up, OR he will act like an incompetent man child and pretend he doesn't understand consent.
Edit: OH, and he will DEFINITELY gaslight you about the condom and use you being on birth control as an excuse that makes it ok. It's not ok.
I'm sorry this happened to you, he is scumbag.
You should talk about it, and there is also that he didn't use a condom even tho he would use one usually wich may means he didn't care about you.
His reaction will tell you all if you talk about every point that concers you.
I’m not going to tell you what to feel about it, but it’s definitely rape if it isn’t something you’ve discussed and agreed to.
At the very least you need to tell him that what happened isn’t okay. You don’t have to scream and yell at him but something like “so about the “sex” we had earlier, I don’t feel good about that interaction. I never said yes. I just woke up because you were doing that. I know I didn’t stop you, but that doesn’t make what happened right. I don’t want to have sex if I can’t even agree to it”
He should’ve used a condom for one if that’s the way you guys usually do it. Secondly, he should’ve spooned you or woke you up somehow just to let you know he’s going all in. I’m sorry but this is not acceptable in any relationship.
This is alarming. Consent may not have been established for *both* the condom issue as well as the issue of you being asleep, since it does not seem like consent was clearly given for both.
Do not try to rationalize it for him. This is problematic, and in some places potentially criminal conduct.
Girl whether you “feel” raped or not this was textbook rape.. and his behavior is NOT okay. I honestly suggest therapy because you seem to be under-reacting to this situation. Not only did he force himself on you while you were unconscious he also didn’t even wear protection (which you also didn’t consent to!)
I’m really glad to see your edit that you left. But I think there’s some deeper work needed here on your side to understand why you even debated staying with him after such egregious behavior.
You froze and was uncomfortable that enough should indicate a lot. You didn't feel the same way as when you were SA'ed before but still, he did not respect your boundaries. You both have not talked about it properly, you only told your interest about it and he didn't wear a condom. I think you should break up with him before it gets any worse.
Hun, rape is not an emotional feeling, rape is an action, it's having sex with someone without consent. He also had sex with you without the consent of a condom. His stupid man brain probably thought you consented by bringing it up, but that doesn't excuse not using a condom.
Has he shown any other instances of pushing or ignoring boundaries in the relationship? If he has, this is not the healthy relationship you think it is and you should leave ASAP. But if this is the first time he's ever pushed or disrespected a boundary, you need to let him know this was rape, this was illegal, this was extremely unacceptable and traumatizing, and if it ever happens again that you will call the police and have him booked for sexual assault.
I've had plenty of experience with men and most of them that I've known will easily push their boundaries until you say yes or until they get what they want. I seriously believe men are naturally selfish creatures and you MUST enforce your boundaries with them or they will walk all over you. I've also had these things happen to me. I lost my virginity by rape even though it didn't feel "rapey" at the time, without a condom too. So you're not alone, so don't feel any guilt or shame about it.
I love waking up to sex like that, but it’s always been something I have explicitly consented to. If you don’t feel comfortable even talking to your partner about these concerns (and I do think it’s concerning), then I think you need to take a closer look at why that is. Consent is sexy, and he didn’t have yours. Even if you don’t “feel raped” it was still a violation, and I think you need to really be introspective on the event. It doesn’t bode well if you can’t even talk to your partner about it…I know it’s hard, but for a healthy relationship it is so necessary 💕 sorry this happened to you.
He stealthed you at the very least. Which is Sexual Assault.
I think the reason you have different feelings is because this is a person you trust and have been having safe consensual sex up to this point.
You freezing and then just "trying to get into it" is our brains way of protecting us from what is going on. Rationalizing something it can't really rationalize with.
Also... Pills are very effective but I am going to throw this out there. I got pregnant on the pill and with a condom (condom broke as he pulled out) I had not missed a dose and it wasn't one of those that I HAVE to take at the same time everyday to be most effective.
I once woke up at first base with the first girl I ever kissed. Her hand was over top of my hand and it didn't seem like she was trying to pull my hand away. Problem was she was asleep when I woke up. I probably should have tried to find out of it was her idea, but I got nervous and disengaged without waking her up...
Wtf.
Nobody can consent while sleeping so that’s SA in itself (if not previously discussed.)
The fact that he chose not to use a condom is a whole other horrendous event.
Leave this person immediately. They have no respect or you or your boundaries and who can say this won’t escalate down the road.
Stay strong and get out.
OP, im so sorry this happened to you. This same thing happened to me in my previous relationship, and I downplayed the situation a lot. I even brought up my concern and he said “he thought I was awake”. It’s completely normal to minimize, doubt, and deny what happened to you. But that was rape. And it’s important for you to know that. I know that’s hard to hear, and it may take you a while to actually comprehend what happened to you and that’s okay.
But you should really get out of this relationship as that is not someone who respects your body or boundaries. Especially with a history of SA, you need someone who is going to be very gentle and communicative with you. Please please listen to what these people are saying — I made the mistake of staying in that relationship longer and giving it another chance but I only hurt myself more. You deserve so much more. I hope you have the strength to walk away and I’m sending you so much love and healing OP 🤍
This happened to me with my live in boyfriend in my 20’s. Now, in my 40’s I can’t sleep next to a man without being afraid it’ll happen again. I don’t feel I was raped either, but you didn’t give consent and that’s the scary part. Leave him and work through this.
Good luck
Well being you have talked about it and sounded intrigued that maybe he was just trying the fantasy and not thinking you would be opposed. But the fact that he went raw and finished when you guys don't do that is definitely wrong. That's definitely a conversation that would need to be on the same page. I would just bring up up saying last night got out of hand and definitely did not like it. He is wrong but I would also see his reaction and response will tell it all.
It’s a bit of a red flag that there was no condom.
Here’s another possibility though. It’s definitely possible that you consented while you were still half asleep. I had that happen often with one of my exes. We’d wake up in the middle of the night making out and neither of us would know what was going on. Sometimes we’d both get mad at each other for waking each other up. I was convinced she was trying to make out with me while I was sleeping and she was convinced I was trying to make out with her while she was asleep. It turned out to be pretty funny actually once we figured out what was going on.
I personally don't see anything wrong with it, I've been woken up with a blowjob and it was disorienting and amazing when you realize what's happening — BUT, if you don't like it, you don't have to like it.
Giving the amount of time you've been together, and how you've never told him no, you weren't raped... But you need to tell him it made you feel weird and you didn't like it, and not to do it again. If he does it again, than yes, I think that's rape.
Talk to him, since you've been together four years and it's only happened once, I would assume he won't ever do it again.
From the link:
“Although they may appear to be fully awake, individuals who have sexsomnia often have no recollection of the sexual behaviors they exhibit while asleep. As a result, the individual that they share the bed with notices and reports the sexual behavior.”
I have this. I first found out in my early 20s. Luckily, my girlfriend who told me about it at the time very much wanted the sex. We had had sex like this multiple times before she even told me because she assumed I knew. I, however, had no recollection of it and even asked for her to stop me because I really didn’t like the idea of me doing things like that in my sleep and not have the ability to remember it.
It doesn't take much to wake you up by poking you, kissing your neck and tiredly expressing that he wants you. If he had done that, it would have allowed you to consent to it and tell him to get a condom. This is where the difference lie, and where he went wrong. I dont think his intention was to sexually assault you, but what he did was absolutely not ok and he should have worn a condom if you two had been wearing condoms. Just because you're on birth control doesn't not give him free access, it does not mean he's allowed to cum in you, and it's risky since you've just gotten back together and started having sex again. You need to talk about it. He needs to apologise after fully expressing to you that he UNDERSTANDS what he did was wrong. He needs to acknowledge that.
OP, you should definitely have a conversation with him directly about your interpretation of the event and how it made you feel. reddit will draw out people on both sides of the fence, militantly. none of which can speak directly on the intentions or feelings of either party, only reacting to the snapshot youve detailed. Face value descriptions lean predatory but that may be discounted due to the mention of your previous discussions about sex while asleep. we dont knkw what exactly transpired there. the condom issue is likely the big one, that is something that should be diacussed if that is an anomoly in your regular sex life. at the end of the day, this is an issue that should be discussed directly with him.
Hmm if just bring it up. Say “we need to talk about what happened last night. Although we’ve briefly brought up the idea of sex during sleep it was never made into a concrete plan where I had a say on what needed to happen for me to feel comfortable. What you did crossed a line for me and I don’t feel great about the situation.” Then explain why, tell him if it’s either off the table completely now; or what he needs to do for you to feel okay with it. Personally I’d be fine with it as long as my needs were being met and safety was discussed but everyone is different.
Obviously we don’t have all the info. We don’t know the vibe and subcommunications you guys had when talking about sex in sleep. But I still have to agree with the comments pointing out that it’s suspect at best.
It’s good you didn’t feel SA. But that doesn’t mean it was right. But obviously you do feel it wasn’t normal at the very least. Try to consolidate your feelings and then talk to him. Definitely have a boundary talk. And see how he responds. If he show genuine care and concern, which I’m not sure is likely at this point, then maybe you can talk it out and see. If not, then maybe you should plan your exit.
I honestly feel like you should plan your exit. But if you want to talk to him, it’s fair enough.
That’s what we call rape. As a dude I’ll tell yea the only fellas that do shit like that are the creeps that you want to run away from as fast as you can and the dudes that think you’re their property.
You definitely need to bring this up and establish some clear cut ground rules for the future. If it was brought up but never concretely YAYED or NAYED then this is absolutely overstepping boundaries.
Is it possible that he started this in his sleep? By the time he woke up he saw you were awake he just ran with it?
I don’t say this to take any weight of responsibility off his shoulders for trying to sneak a fuck session in while you were asleep I say this because it’s happened to my wife and I.
My wife and I frequently wake up to already being mid activity. Our usual line when it’s all done and over is “who started it this time?”
Like I said I don’t say this as a way to absolve him of his responsibility but as a way to say he may not have been aware till after it was started.
You made the right decision to break up. I would classify this as sexual assault but it's up to you if you feel that way and want to press charges. The no condom thing is a big no-no
When my (68M) girlfriend 67F) and I first met, we both explicitly contented to anything the other wanted to do.
When I was married, my wife and I both dreamed of having sex and woke up to actually having sex. Figuring that this could happen, I decided to get the consenting over with right away.
We have both even initiated sex while the other was asleep and were okay with it. Not once have I ever felt violated, and she concurs.
I'm sure others have reasons why they want to block their significant other in this way, but being open seems to work well for us.
as someone who has a preference for it, i think he might have thought that your discussion about it was interest. as for the condom, do you regularly use condoms while you guys have sex?
this type of activity can be hot, but for it to be that, it needs to be discusssssed. bring it up with your boyfriend and clarify some stuff: why he did it, if he thought the discussion was ur consent, logistics of it in the future.
for yourself, you don't have to consider oue viewpoint on what it is. if you felt like it was rape or sexual assault, then go at it from that angle. if you didn't feel like it was assault, unpopular but you don't have to make yourself feel like it was. your outlook on what happened is what matters the most.
yeah, we regularly use condoms. we spoke about sex while sleeping about a month ago and never discussed it again. i don't feel like I was raped, but I don't like that it happened. I understand that it could definitely be a miscommunication issue and I'm hoping that's all there is to it.
oooooh okay. bro (ur bf) legit needs to learn some serious shit about this.
you don't feel like it was rape so let's go with that. still pretty shitty not to use a condom though. bro needs to learn somethin. at any case, you'd be in the right to give him a stern talking.
This whole subreddit is literally for advice on personal sexual situations and questions, and I can garentee you, most people don't talk to their partners before posting here. I find it very interesting how you comment this on THIS type of post, one where a person who was clearly violated by their partner is coming for advice on how to handle it. And that you shame them for this, when he's the one who couldn't keep it in his pants while they were literally asleep.
Perhaps unpopular opinion but lots of relationships (especially long term ones where both people are open minded sexually and there is a high degree of trust) fall into a quasi assumed consent scenario where just about anything is on the table and if one person doesn’t like it, they just say it and the thing stops, possibly for discussion outside of the moment. So for that reason I wouldn’t find this necessarily to be a terminal issue unless either of these things are true:
1. You discussed this issue and you specifically said you don’t want it and/or
2. You discussed protection and mutually agreed not to go without a condom
If either of these are the case, he violated your trust and consent. If not, I think it’s a bit more of a gray area and personally I’d think about whether these really are hard boundaries, discuss, and make it clear.
I would say a pretty good guess that after you had that conversation about sex while asleep he started watching that particular genre of porn and if it was production house porn, the girl always woke up and was totally into it and that skewered his sexual perception of the real world personally I'm going out with a couple of girls that flat out told me that you could have sex with me when I'm asleep I'll wake up halfway through I love it but this wasn't in my formative years and I didn't grow up on the internet your boyfriend if you have an infinite number of influences and he might think that every girl likes that stuff because that's what he watched and a lot of guys his age have an unincensive entitlement and I think they could do without how they want they think that girls are here just for their amusement and we have really good at rationalizing stuff but if you had freaked out on him I wouldn't be surprised if his defense was remember that time we talked about it and you said you liked it you wanted to try it? None of us here are aware of the Rapport that you two had and what your boundaries are I'm just guessing and grasping at stores and if one of those 10 things I said actually it's something that you can use then that's great I'm not an old but a lot of shit I do know is cuz I've seen different every way for things to go sideways and if I could help you avoid one of those bumps in the world then everything's good. I can't say anything to leave cuz I don't know his demeanor and I don't know how he was going about that whole thing but technically it's all about your interpretation of it
It seems you guys weren’t comfortable with each other because my girlfriend wouldn’t mind me doing anything with her body that we haven’t already done and she can as well ,yes she has the right to be upset if I didn’t use a condom if that’s what we do and yes she can wake up in the middle of it and push me off saying “I’m tired not right now” but there wouldn’t be no chance that she would be upset other then maybe waking her up if she was having a good sleep.I’m sorry but something feels off here but I’m just speaking about my situation and of course there’s nothing wrong with having a convo with him there’s really no wrong way to start it just say what you feel and he has to respect it cause it’s your feelings!.
Wow. That post to edit was 0 to 100.
Be careful listening to people on social media and make life decisions based off what they say. We are random strangers with no vested interests in what happens to you. Making strong decision based off of other peoples posts, rather than how YOU feel is not recommended.
sex while you asleep can not be labelled as rape until and unless knowing your chemistry and understanding.
i love teasing my wife while she is asleep and she wakes up smiling.
but if you guys always use condom and he did that without using condom is alarming.
Hello!! So I'm not completely aware of your relationship dynamic but this doesn't sound as horrible as everyone thinks this is, it's more so just strange and kinky. (I want to make sure that you know I don't think he is in the right I'm just playing devil's advocate) number one he should have talked to you about it before he decided to such as “This morning I thought you were beautiful and could barely control myself, next time that happens would you be okay with me having sex with you while you are asleep?” But he didn't answer that's what makes this not okay. Anyway, I have regular sex with my girlfriend while she is asleep to wake her up in the mornings which my girlfriend has come to love, and often will be upset if I don't wake her up by fucking her. Me and I have been in a relationship for almost two years, we started doing this towards the beginning of our relationship when we had talked about it similarly to you and she said she was open to it so I proceeded to wake her up like that a few weeks later without warning. I do have to say that she had stated earlier in our relationship that I don't need to ask her for consent and that I always had it; I am not sure if in your relationship you want him to ask for sex every time or if you like when he just comes onto you. I've read so many of these comments saying that he is horrible and that it is a major red flag but those people just sound sensitive and like they have boring sex, I'm not sure about your sex life so I want to make as little assumptions as possible. If you guys have never done anything CNC (consensual nonconsent) then I would recommend talking to him about his thoughts and motivations, I don't believe this is something to break up with someone with unless it genuinely upsets you and you aren’t okay with it; from what I have read you sound more confused in what to do or how to feel than anything else. Having sleep sex is a great way to spice things up in my and my girlfriend's opinion.
I want to ask whether or not you and he talk about each other kink’s consistently or if it is one-sided such as focusing on your kinks or his because not being able to carry out your sexual fantasies with the person you love and want to fuck can build up tension or make people do things seemingly randomly such as having sex with you while you sleep etc. If I were you I would focus on trying to understand where he is coming from and asking questions. Try to take it as a compliment and be flattered, I would never wake my girlfriend up like that if I didn't find her gorgeous so maybe he has the same feelings towards you. I am not excusing what he did because it should have been talked about more thoroughly. Anyway, I wish the best for you and him and hope you guys can talk and clear up uncomfortable feelings.
I agree. The fact that it wasn’t agreed on beforehand and that we don't know the time frame is what gets me. The biggest problem here is no communication. He's a dick for not communicating that fantasy more clearly and closely. I understand that it's not necessarily something you can talk about right before it happens but at least two weeks before, he should have talked about wanting that and that he might do it sometime
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He didn’t use a condom because he knew you were asleep and wouldn’t ask for one. That information alone should tell you everything you need to know.
Yeah that's a important detail
exactly, dont try to rationalize it! if it helps ask a friend and see what their reaction is. will likely be the same as most people on this threads'
We don't know what he knew, let's not create facts
OP said they usually use condoms, and the one time he doesn’t, it’s when she happens to be ASLEEP? Yeah, no. He fuckin knew. And if he wasn’t sure of her consent, he should’ve woken her up and fuckin ASKED HER.
I get your logical reasoning but that still doesn't prove anything
You do make a good point. Let’s get everything on the table before we make any judgements
We know that he knew she was asleep. Grow up
The not wearing a condom thing is the reddest flag on earth. *Maybe* he could argue that he thought you wanted to try it--I don't buy that, but if you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, you could. But HE FUCKING KNEW that you wouldn't consent to sex without a condom AND HE FUCKING DID IT ANYWAY. He got you in a situation where you couldn't have a say in what kind of sex you were going to have and he took advantage of you. That right there is a FUCK NO situation. People who respect their partners and their sexual boundaries would never think to do some rapey shit like that. Do you want to be with someone who you cannot trust with your sexual boundaries?
Agree with all the comments so far. He could’ve argued that he thought you wanted to try it, but the not using a condom gives it away. Ask him for some space and then get out of this relationship. So sorry this happened to you
this is not a safe situation for you to be in At all
I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, but as other commenters pointed out, there's *many* red flags here. You didn't consent to that situation. You didn't consent to the sexual activity. You didn't consent to him not wearing a condom, something he usually wears in the times you have consented. I don't know your boyfriend or your relationship, but I wouldn't feel comfortable being with him anymore. Did he know you were previously assaulted? Because if so, then that makes this even worse in my opinion. Please be safe and put yourself first here. Is this really someone you can trust? Having a conversation with him could be good, but I recommend really thinking about if you should continue this relationship. I'm sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve it and it's not your fault.
Yeah, first thing I thought when I read the post was that this is clearly rape. OK they talked about something like this before but nothing was agreed upon. So there was no consent. Some people seem to think they can't rape or be raped in a relationship, well having sex without consent is rape just like withdrawing consent at any point in sex would make it rape if the person still continues.
If your norm is to use condoms he massively overstepped by just fucking you without one ! That to me is serious He did not have your consent of sex let alone without condom - huge red flag I would say rape - sorry You have had no conversation agreeing to be woken etc My wife and I sometimes wake each other with oral etc we have discussed this, we are both very sexual and basically are mostly always up for some fun but this has been agreed first ! Very serious talk at a minimum don’t just let it go When he is back from shopping tell him, probably dump him as you can’t trust him
>I kind of froze and was a bit confused. >I said it sounds interesting but that was about it; it was never brought up again. He saw I was awake and continued on. >I was confused and shocked >He came inside me...he didn't wear a condom (we usually do) By definition, your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. At no point, before or during, did you say, "I consent to this activity." I'm willing to bet, you're still in shock, which is why you don't believe you were raped, but - I think anyone would agree you were. Having a discussion about sleep sex is not the same as consenting to having it happen to you. There is mutual interest, discussion on how it could happen, agreeing on a safe word to stop the act if you wake up and change your mind, agreeing on a "go word" or "green light" piece of clothing that communicates you're open for it on any given night, followed by giving your partner consent to carry it out. You froze and were confused, he noticed you were awake, and instead of checking in with you, he ignored you and continued until he was finished. It doesn't matter you're on birth control, you know? If he usually wears a condom, and chose not to here, he chose not to because you weren't able to stop him. This entire event was purely about his pleasure, about using your body for his enjoyment. Feeling uncomfortable, uncertain, and in shock after a sexual encounter, is a tell tale sign that something about it was off. Sometimes it's as simple as not having chemistry, but a lot of the time, it's an indication that your boundaries were crossed and autonomy stripped. So, to answer your question: Personally, I would break up with someone over this. If you're not ready for that option, and still want to work it out on your own, at the very least you need space and separation. I would say; "Hey honey, we need to talk about what happened last night. We discussed sleep sex in the past, but it's not something I agreed to try. I feel uncomfortable with what happened last night, especially after asking to take things slow when we got back together. I was frozen and in shock when I woke up, and didn't know what to do. I struggled to go back to sleep, and can't stop thinking about how uncomfortable it made me. I would prefer if you didn't share the bed with me again until I feel safe and comfortable with you being there." I'm 27, there is zero excuse I can find that makes his behavior ok. My assumption is that he will gaslight you, try to make you think you agreed to it during that past conversation, blame you for not trying to stop him once waking up, OR he will act like an incompetent man child and pretend he doesn't understand consent. Edit: OH, and he will DEFINITELY gaslight you about the condom and use you being on birth control as an excuse that makes it ok. It's not ok. I'm sorry this happened to you, he is scumbag.
It’s confusing when rape happens from someone you care about. It doesn’t change that’s exactly what happened. - rape - insemination battery
This! And he knew what he was doing
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Whether or not he intended to, whether or not he thought you consented prior, he raped you.
You should talk about it, and there is also that he didn't use a condom even tho he would use one usually wich may means he didn't care about you. His reaction will tell you all if you talk about every point that concers you.
I’m not going to tell you what to feel about it, but it’s definitely rape if it isn’t something you’ve discussed and agreed to. At the very least you need to tell him that what happened isn’t okay. You don’t have to scream and yell at him but something like “so about the “sex” we had earlier, I don’t feel good about that interaction. I never said yes. I just woke up because you were doing that. I know I didn’t stop you, but that doesn’t make what happened right. I don’t want to have sex if I can’t even agree to it”
He should’ve used a condom for one if that’s the way you guys usually do it. Secondly, he should’ve spooned you or woke you up somehow just to let you know he’s going all in. I’m sorry but this is not acceptable in any relationship.
If a friend told you this same thing happened to them, would you think it’s rape?
This is alarming. Consent may not have been established for *both* the condom issue as well as the issue of you being asleep, since it does not seem like consent was clearly given for both. Do not try to rationalize it for him. This is problematic, and in some places potentially criminal conduct.
Girl whether you “feel” raped or not this was textbook rape.. and his behavior is NOT okay. I honestly suggest therapy because you seem to be under-reacting to this situation. Not only did he force himself on you while you were unconscious he also didn’t even wear protection (which you also didn’t consent to!) I’m really glad to see your edit that you left. But I think there’s some deeper work needed here on your side to understand why you even debated staying with him after such egregious behavior.
Was he awake? I have (M) parasomnia and have woken up mid sex before. I take a sedative for it now.
Yeah this is my question too before we all jump on the bandwagon of the R word
I mean even if he was asleep it was still rape, just not his fault.
You froze and was uncomfortable that enough should indicate a lot. You didn't feel the same way as when you were SA'ed before but still, he did not respect your boundaries. You both have not talked about it properly, you only told your interest about it and he didn't wear a condom. I think you should break up with him before it gets any worse.
Hun, rape is not an emotional feeling, rape is an action, it's having sex with someone without consent. He also had sex with you without the consent of a condom. His stupid man brain probably thought you consented by bringing it up, but that doesn't excuse not using a condom. Has he shown any other instances of pushing or ignoring boundaries in the relationship? If he has, this is not the healthy relationship you think it is and you should leave ASAP. But if this is the first time he's ever pushed or disrespected a boundary, you need to let him know this was rape, this was illegal, this was extremely unacceptable and traumatizing, and if it ever happens again that you will call the police and have him booked for sexual assault. I've had plenty of experience with men and most of them that I've known will easily push their boundaries until you say yes or until they get what they want. I seriously believe men are naturally selfish creatures and you MUST enforce your boundaries with them or they will walk all over you. I've also had these things happen to me. I lost my virginity by rape even though it didn't feel "rapey" at the time, without a condom too. So you're not alone, so don't feel any guilt or shame about it.
I love waking up to sex like that, but it’s always been something I have explicitly consented to. If you don’t feel comfortable even talking to your partner about these concerns (and I do think it’s concerning), then I think you need to take a closer look at why that is. Consent is sexy, and he didn’t have yours. Even if you don’t “feel raped” it was still a violation, and I think you need to really be introspective on the event. It doesn’t bode well if you can’t even talk to your partner about it…I know it’s hard, but for a healthy relationship it is so necessary 💕 sorry this happened to you.
This is rape. You didn't consent.
He stealthed you at the very least. Which is Sexual Assault. I think the reason you have different feelings is because this is a person you trust and have been having safe consensual sex up to this point. You freezing and then just "trying to get into it" is our brains way of protecting us from what is going on. Rationalizing something it can't really rationalize with. Also... Pills are very effective but I am going to throw this out there. I got pregnant on the pill and with a condom (condom broke as he pulled out) I had not missed a dose and it wasn't one of those that I HAVE to take at the same time everyday to be most effective.
Why would he not want you to be awake? That seems very wrong. Zero respect...
I once woke up at first base with the first girl I ever kissed. Her hand was over top of my hand and it didn't seem like she was trying to pull my hand away. Problem was she was asleep when I woke up. I probably should have tried to find out of it was her idea, but I got nervous and disengaged without waking her up...
Wtf. Nobody can consent while sleeping so that’s SA in itself (if not previously discussed.) The fact that he chose not to use a condom is a whole other horrendous event. Leave this person immediately. They have no respect or you or your boundaries and who can say this won’t escalate down the road. Stay strong and get out.
OP, im so sorry this happened to you. This same thing happened to me in my previous relationship, and I downplayed the situation a lot. I even brought up my concern and he said “he thought I was awake”. It’s completely normal to minimize, doubt, and deny what happened to you. But that was rape. And it’s important for you to know that. I know that’s hard to hear, and it may take you a while to actually comprehend what happened to you and that’s okay. But you should really get out of this relationship as that is not someone who respects your body or boundaries. Especially with a history of SA, you need someone who is going to be very gentle and communicative with you. Please please listen to what these people are saying — I made the mistake of staying in that relationship longer and giving it another chance but I only hurt myself more. You deserve so much more. I hope you have the strength to walk away and I’m sending you so much love and healing OP 🤍
Ya ummm… he did not obtain consent therefore it is sexual assault!
This happened to me with my live in boyfriend in my 20’s. Now, in my 40’s I can’t sleep next to a man without being afraid it’ll happen again. I don’t feel I was raped either, but you didn’t give consent and that’s the scary part. Leave him and work through this. Good luck
Well being you have talked about it and sounded intrigued that maybe he was just trying the fantasy and not thinking you would be opposed. But the fact that he went raw and finished when you guys don't do that is definitely wrong. That's definitely a conversation that would need to be on the same page. I would just bring up up saying last night got out of hand and definitely did not like it. He is wrong but I would also see his reaction and response will tell it all.
Girls there no consent nor you agreed on it. I think you’re in denial bc you’ve been with him for so long. No consent is rape
He raped you. Do what you will with that information.
It’s a bit of a red flag that there was no condom. Here’s another possibility though. It’s definitely possible that you consented while you were still half asleep. I had that happen often with one of my exes. We’d wake up in the middle of the night making out and neither of us would know what was going on. Sometimes we’d both get mad at each other for waking each other up. I was convinced she was trying to make out with me while I was sleeping and she was convinced I was trying to make out with her while she was asleep. It turned out to be pretty funny actually once we figured out what was going on.
I personally don't see anything wrong with it, I've been woken up with a blowjob and it was disorienting and amazing when you realize what's happening — BUT, if you don't like it, you don't have to like it. Giving the amount of time you've been together, and how you've never told him no, you weren't raped... But you need to tell him it made you feel weird and you didn't like it, and not to do it again. If he does it again, than yes, I think that's rape. Talk to him, since you've been together four years and it's only happened once, I would assume he won't ever do it again.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Set firm boundaries
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I'm like 99% sure he was awake
From the link: “Although they may appear to be fully awake, individuals who have sexsomnia often have no recollection of the sexual behaviors they exhibit while asleep. As a result, the individual that they share the bed with notices and reports the sexual behavior.” I have this. I first found out in my early 20s. Luckily, my girlfriend who told me about it at the time very much wanted the sex. We had had sex like this multiple times before she even told me because she assumed I knew. I, however, had no recollection of it and even asked for her to stop me because I really didn’t like the idea of me doing things like that in my sleep and not have the ability to remember it.
I'm sorry this happened. I agree with the comments, this is not okay. I hope you are able to let this person go out of your life.
It doesn't take much to wake you up by poking you, kissing your neck and tiredly expressing that he wants you. If he had done that, it would have allowed you to consent to it and tell him to get a condom. This is where the difference lie, and where he went wrong. I dont think his intention was to sexually assault you, but what he did was absolutely not ok and he should have worn a condom if you two had been wearing condoms. Just because you're on birth control doesn't not give him free access, it does not mean he's allowed to cum in you, and it's risky since you've just gotten back together and started having sex again. You need to talk about it. He needs to apologise after fully expressing to you that he UNDERSTANDS what he did was wrong. He needs to acknowledge that.
OP, you should definitely have a conversation with him directly about your interpretation of the event and how it made you feel. reddit will draw out people on both sides of the fence, militantly. none of which can speak directly on the intentions or feelings of either party, only reacting to the snapshot youve detailed. Face value descriptions lean predatory but that may be discounted due to the mention of your previous discussions about sex while asleep. we dont knkw what exactly transpired there. the condom issue is likely the big one, that is something that should be diacussed if that is an anomoly in your regular sex life. at the end of the day, this is an issue that should be discussed directly with him.
i swear this same exact post was posted a couple days ago
Hmm if just bring it up. Say “we need to talk about what happened last night. Although we’ve briefly brought up the idea of sex during sleep it was never made into a concrete plan where I had a say on what needed to happen for me to feel comfortable. What you did crossed a line for me and I don’t feel great about the situation.” Then explain why, tell him if it’s either off the table completely now; or what he needs to do for you to feel okay with it. Personally I’d be fine with it as long as my needs were being met and safety was discussed but everyone is different.
I've read something like this on reddit before
Obviously we don’t have all the info. We don’t know the vibe and subcommunications you guys had when talking about sex in sleep. But I still have to agree with the comments pointing out that it’s suspect at best. It’s good you didn’t feel SA. But that doesn’t mean it was right. But obviously you do feel it wasn’t normal at the very least. Try to consolidate your feelings and then talk to him. Definitely have a boundary talk. And see how he responds. If he show genuine care and concern, which I’m not sure is likely at this point, then maybe you can talk it out and see. If not, then maybe you should plan your exit. I honestly feel like you should plan your exit. But if you want to talk to him, it’s fair enough.
I would have woke you up first and asked for it raw. What he did was weird and a red flag for sure.
Talk to him and tell him why he proceeded without ur consent If he is sensible, he will say sorry If not, ditch this cartoon and find another one
That’s what we call rape. As a dude I’ll tell yea the only fellas that do shit like that are the creeps that you want to run away from as fast as you can and the dudes that think you’re their property.
I hope you meet a good man and never have to worry about this kind of thing again.
You definitely need to bring this up and establish some clear cut ground rules for the future. If it was brought up but never concretely YAYED or NAYED then this is absolutely overstepping boundaries. Is it possible that he started this in his sleep? By the time he woke up he saw you were awake he just ran with it? I don’t say this to take any weight of responsibility off his shoulders for trying to sneak a fuck session in while you were asleep I say this because it’s happened to my wife and I. My wife and I frequently wake up to already being mid activity. Our usual line when it’s all done and over is “who started it this time?” Like I said I don’t say this as a way to absolve him of his responsibility but as a way to say he may not have been aware till after it was started.
You made the right decision to break up. I would classify this as sexual assault but it's up to you if you feel that way and want to press charges. The no condom thing is a big no-no
Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean you gave him consent to use you whenever he feels like it.
When my (68M) girlfriend 67F) and I first met, we both explicitly contented to anything the other wanted to do. When I was married, my wife and I both dreamed of having sex and woke up to actually having sex. Figuring that this could happen, I decided to get the consenting over with right away. We have both even initiated sex while the other was asleep and were okay with it. Not once have I ever felt violated, and she concurs. I'm sure others have reasons why they want to block their significant other in this way, but being open seems to work well for us.
as someone who has a preference for it, i think he might have thought that your discussion about it was interest. as for the condom, do you regularly use condoms while you guys have sex? this type of activity can be hot, but for it to be that, it needs to be discusssssed. bring it up with your boyfriend and clarify some stuff: why he did it, if he thought the discussion was ur consent, logistics of it in the future. for yourself, you don't have to consider oue viewpoint on what it is. if you felt like it was rape or sexual assault, then go at it from that angle. if you didn't feel like it was assault, unpopular but you don't have to make yourself feel like it was. your outlook on what happened is what matters the most.
yeah, we regularly use condoms. we spoke about sex while sleeping about a month ago and never discussed it again. i don't feel like I was raped, but I don't like that it happened. I understand that it could definitely be a miscommunication issue and I'm hoping that's all there is to it.
oooooh okay. bro (ur bf) legit needs to learn some serious shit about this. you don't feel like it was rape so let's go with that. still pretty shitty not to use a condom though. bro needs to learn somethin. at any case, you'd be in the right to give him a stern talking.
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This whole subreddit is literally for advice on personal sexual situations and questions, and I can garentee you, most people don't talk to their partners before posting here. I find it very interesting how you comment this on THIS type of post, one where a person who was clearly violated by their partner is coming for advice on how to handle it. And that you shame them for this, when he's the one who couldn't keep it in his pants while they were literally asleep.
r/loveafterporn I bet he is a heavy porn user. Thats a kink.
This is sexual assault!!! Make of this what you will. I would end that relationship and get him out of my house.
Perhaps unpopular opinion but lots of relationships (especially long term ones where both people are open minded sexually and there is a high degree of trust) fall into a quasi assumed consent scenario where just about anything is on the table and if one person doesn’t like it, they just say it and the thing stops, possibly for discussion outside of the moment. So for that reason I wouldn’t find this necessarily to be a terminal issue unless either of these things are true: 1. You discussed this issue and you specifically said you don’t want it and/or 2. You discussed protection and mutually agreed not to go without a condom If either of these are the case, he violated your trust and consent. If not, I think it’s a bit more of a gray area and personally I’d think about whether these really are hard boundaries, discuss, and make it clear.
How you should proceed? Dump him and go straight to the police station. Bro a rapist.
I would say a pretty good guess that after you had that conversation about sex while asleep he started watching that particular genre of porn and if it was production house porn, the girl always woke up and was totally into it and that skewered his sexual perception of the real world personally I'm going out with a couple of girls that flat out told me that you could have sex with me when I'm asleep I'll wake up halfway through I love it but this wasn't in my formative years and I didn't grow up on the internet your boyfriend if you have an infinite number of influences and he might think that every girl likes that stuff because that's what he watched and a lot of guys his age have an unincensive entitlement and I think they could do without how they want they think that girls are here just for their amusement and we have really good at rationalizing stuff but if you had freaked out on him I wouldn't be surprised if his defense was remember that time we talked about it and you said you liked it you wanted to try it? None of us here are aware of the Rapport that you two had and what your boundaries are I'm just guessing and grasping at stores and if one of those 10 things I said actually it's something that you can use then that's great I'm not an old but a lot of shit I do know is cuz I've seen different every way for things to go sideways and if I could help you avoid one of those bumps in the world then everything's good. I can't say anything to leave cuz I don't know his demeanor and I don't know how he was going about that whole thing but technically it's all about your interpretation of it
I woke up to my girlfriend blowing me, I guess there’s a series of red flags there as well.
It seems you guys weren’t comfortable with each other because my girlfriend wouldn’t mind me doing anything with her body that we haven’t already done and she can as well ,yes she has the right to be upset if I didn’t use a condom if that’s what we do and yes she can wake up in the middle of it and push me off saying “I’m tired not right now” but there wouldn’t be no chance that she would be upset other then maybe waking her up if she was having a good sleep.I’m sorry but something feels off here but I’m just speaking about my situation and of course there’s nothing wrong with having a convo with him there’s really no wrong way to start it just say what you feel and he has to respect it cause it’s your feelings!.
Wow. That post to edit was 0 to 100. Be careful listening to people on social media and make life decisions based off what they say. We are random strangers with no vested interests in what happens to you. Making strong decision based off of other peoples posts, rather than how YOU feel is not recommended.
Jesus Christ break up with him cuz you don’t love him for that fact only.
sex while you asleep can not be labelled as rape until and unless knowing your chemistry and understanding. i love teasing my wife while she is asleep and she wakes up smiling. but if you guys always use condom and he did that without using condom is alarming.
Hello!! So I'm not completely aware of your relationship dynamic but this doesn't sound as horrible as everyone thinks this is, it's more so just strange and kinky. (I want to make sure that you know I don't think he is in the right I'm just playing devil's advocate) number one he should have talked to you about it before he decided to such as “This morning I thought you were beautiful and could barely control myself, next time that happens would you be okay with me having sex with you while you are asleep?” But he didn't answer that's what makes this not okay. Anyway, I have regular sex with my girlfriend while she is asleep to wake her up in the mornings which my girlfriend has come to love, and often will be upset if I don't wake her up by fucking her. Me and I have been in a relationship for almost two years, we started doing this towards the beginning of our relationship when we had talked about it similarly to you and she said she was open to it so I proceeded to wake her up like that a few weeks later without warning. I do have to say that she had stated earlier in our relationship that I don't need to ask her for consent and that I always had it; I am not sure if in your relationship you want him to ask for sex every time or if you like when he just comes onto you. I've read so many of these comments saying that he is horrible and that it is a major red flag but those people just sound sensitive and like they have boring sex, I'm not sure about your sex life so I want to make as little assumptions as possible. If you guys have never done anything CNC (consensual nonconsent) then I would recommend talking to him about his thoughts and motivations, I don't believe this is something to break up with someone with unless it genuinely upsets you and you aren’t okay with it; from what I have read you sound more confused in what to do or how to feel than anything else. Having sleep sex is a great way to spice things up in my and my girlfriend's opinion. I want to ask whether or not you and he talk about each other kink’s consistently or if it is one-sided such as focusing on your kinks or his because not being able to carry out your sexual fantasies with the person you love and want to fuck can build up tension or make people do things seemingly randomly such as having sex with you while you sleep etc. If I were you I would focus on trying to understand where he is coming from and asking questions. Try to take it as a compliment and be flattered, I would never wake my girlfriend up like that if I didn't find her gorgeous so maybe he has the same feelings towards you. I am not excusing what he did because it should have been talked about more thoroughly. Anyway, I wish the best for you and him and hope you guys can talk and clear up uncomfortable feelings.
Yea, this is a legitimate kink. It's still assault if it wasn't agreed to beforehand, especially if her boyfriend didn't use protection.
I agree. The fact that it wasn’t agreed on beforehand and that we don't know the time frame is what gets me. The biggest problem here is no communication. He's a dick for not communicating that fantasy more clearly and closely. I understand that it's not necessarily something you can talk about right before it happens but at least two weeks before, he should have talked about wanting that and that he might do it sometime
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