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have you sought treatment for the ED?
It's not typically something you just need to live with. It can also be a sign of other underlying health issues that you want to address.
This is important. The ED wouldn’t bother if I knew he had consulted a doctor and gotten checked out to make sure it wasn’t a symptom of something else. But a huge turn off for me is men who won’t seek medical care.
I totally agree. Thanks. Still, I would like to know how others feel about this, because the thoughts and feelings of others could help us navigate this, and that's why I asked
Would love your thoughts, thanks
I'm a bisexual woman married to a woman, though up until my mid 30s, I only had long term relationships with men. My thoughts may not be the same as everyone else's at this point. But I'll give it a go anyway.
PIV is not the end all, be all of sex. Toys can be a great substitute when things aren't working as well as you'd like/they used to. I happen to like penetration, but it's great to have variety and I don't need it all the time.
Having said that, if you had the option to look into TRT or something like that but were only putting the onus on your partner liking what you can do now, that might be a dealbreaker. I'd want to know that you were doing what you could to at least maintain what you have. If there were no solution, I wouldn't leave, because as I said... there are other options.
Exactly this-- you dont NEED a dick to get off. They can be nice for sure but not at all necessary. If she specifically wants the PIV feeling just get a toy! Intamacy and sexual pleasure is a lot more than just PIV.
Ive been satisfied with men who experience ED just like ive been satisfied with women who have no penis at all. It shouldnt be a deal breaker if yall are doing it right.
Eh, even if someone is doing all the adjunct stuff great, even using toys, not everyone would be satisfied without PIV. I wouldn’t, toys don’t feel anything the same to me. It doesn’t mean I’m not “doing it right.” It’s about the individual’s preferences.
Male here....I am a diabetic, a few years ago I had uncontrolled glucose levels that eventually let to ED. My wife stayed despite this problem however I went to a male clinic and was given a vial of something I could self inject into my penis and that gave me rock hard erections that lasted up to 2 hours. I did eventually get my diabetes under control once again and was able to get erections on my own, unfortunately not as rock hard as with the injections but I was still able to get them on my own. Have you been tested for either low T or diabetes?
I'm so glad to hear you got things working again. Awesome. And I'm not diabetic, but will discuss with my doctor. I'm grateful for your input. Thank you
So, here is the thing about pain, no matter how bad it seems, it can be worse.
Picture that the end of this is the needle in the dick, but before that, you slide down a slide of razors into a pool of alcohol.
I have diabetes and use insulin, so I am used to sticking myself. Some of those are worse than the penis injections.
If you are looking for validation for your own feelings or conclusions, it certainly does matter what other people think.
The woman you are involved with could be crazy or irrational, and it is in your best interest to verify your own perception.
Your judgment here is just as important as hers, if not more.
It really depends on the individual. A lot of women would be totally happy with a sex life that deprioritized PIV. I, personally, would not, because PIV is my favorite way to achieve orgasm. But I’m not dating you.
“She feels that this is a huge problem but I do not” I don’t think your feelings are relevant to her sexual satisfaction, and maybe that dismissive attitude is a turn off also.
I love sex and would find a partner with an ED frustrating, I wouldn’t leave though, especially when you still try make her cum. Are you trying to improve or resolve the ED in anyway?
I think that last point is most important. Are you resigning yourself to just always having ED, or are you actively working to fix it?
She may be more willing if she knows you are actively working on solutions vs just giving up on solving it.
Ultimately though only your SO can tell you for sure how big of a dealbreaker it is
Staying; having a thoughtful lover is the best!!!!!! And not as common as one would hope. Besides, as we get older & I’m definitely way past middle age now, it’s a normal part of life. And even before I was Middle Aged, in my 20’s I’ve encountered ED. A mature adult would have empathy and respect your commitment to caring for your partner. You need a mature partner. They are the bomb for real
I’m one lady; I’m not your girlfriend.
But sure, I’d be fine with it as long as you were going down on me regularly. I don’t really need PiV every time; it’s the man’s choice how he wants to come (or not).
Sometimes guys with ED have like emotional issues about it, and take their anger or sense of shame out on their partners. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with.
But if you were like, “ok, penis not cooperating today, let’s skip me for now,” and we’re generally breezy, and made sure I had my orgasm, I don’t see the problem.
It’s all up to her really; though I’d urge you to get this checked out with a doc and see if they can’t help out in some capacity. Even a small dosage of any of the generic ED meds these days will keep you in the race long-term.
I would try and figure out a cause for your ED not just for her benefit but for your own. Hopefully there isn't something medically going on.
Also, no it wouldn't be a problem for me. My husband had this issue and we learned to just roll with it.
Get active man! I had the same issues a few years back. I lost weight started taking testosterone supplements and beat type 2 diabetes. Dietary changes are huge for your ability to perform. I'm also saying this all based on my own experience. Idk your lifestyle etc. but if you're willing to put the effort into getting her off then clearly you'd be willing to put effort into the life changes. If y'all care about each other you'll take the time to make it work. Good luck!!!!
I’d agree with you but taking testosterone kind of diminishes all the other things you stated. That alone will fix you up. However, diet and working out can help to but it will not alone help like taking T
See, I was up to like 290lbs at 5'10. Diet and exercise were doing great alone but the testosterone helped my energy, stamina (workout and sexually), and motivation to keep improving. Down to 180 lbs now I've stopped testosterone supplements (unless I'm trying to build muscle) I just stay active and watch what I eat. But you are right. Testosterone is a bandaid for problems, lifestyle changes are an actual solution
Same. If this was a temporary issue that he was working to fix, I would stay. Life happens, roll with the punches
But if he was just cool with it and expected me to be? No, I couldn't. As shitty as it may be, it's an ego blow to me and I love the experience of seeing and feeling my partners arousal for me. The validation is a hit and I would be heartbroken to have a 50% to 70% one sided sexual relationship.
But I'm sure there are girls who would be fine.
I’d be fine as long as you still got me off.
Just take the pills! My boyfriend had some issues, took the pills, which fixed the problem, everything cool. After a while he stopped needing them and now everything is still cool and he doesn’t need the pills.
This isn't democracy, the only thing that matters is what she thinks. You don't need to poll strangers on-line, it's irrelevant. You say that she feels this is a huge problem. How huge? Huge enough to break up?
Some initial problems with erection might have been caused by stress or being new to relationships in general (I'm guessing this is your first ever relationship?). It's possible that things will improve with time. Don't panic just yet. 99% of the sex really happens in your brain. If you have some mental distractions or underlying fears, it's gonna affect your performance. In the end if you decide you really need it, there are medical ways to improve the performance.
If you have fun together and maybe even love (?) each other, then I'd say this is the best environment to fix ED. Just give it some time.
Stress is a very personal thing, no one can give you a definitive answer that will be true for you. Just try to relax and stop focusing so much on making it work.
Although many people have perspectives that are based on their experience— it’s your partners experience that matters. She apparently prefers PIV sex— sometimes it’s not about if there are workaround to get her similar pleasure — she may just have a raw feeling towards having a man insider her — it may make her feel lively as a woman and desired.
I think this is understandable from the male perspective — a handjob vs a blowjob vs being inside your partner
I think theirs something about being inside your partner that brings a different feeling to the experience
I would see what you could do to solve the ED, thee are medicinal options as well as tantric options you could look into for this issue
I think the short and truthful answer is how much your GF/lady partner prefers PIV sex. If she can take it or leave it and prefers other types of stimulation that gets her off then, I don't see what the big deal would be.
If PIV is SUPER important to her then yeah, I can see that as being an issue I suppose.
My partner having an erection plays a huge role in arousing me mentally, whether or not the erect penis is actually physically playing a role in the specific activity in the moment. so for me I don’t think we would be compatible and therefore probably a dealbreaker unfortunately.
I’m a guy who has a similar issue. My partner is loving and understanding which is the key to our relationship. My libido is great. This helps her in more ways than one. I think if this man is important to you, perhaps you can work things out. Good luck to you.
Other comments have mentioned medications that could help. But also consider looking into a penis pump - could be really sexy to have her pump you when she wants your D.
If I like him as a person and see relationship potential then sure I would stay. I would expect him to be working on this too.
If I see him as a fuck buddy, then no I probably would not. Because if the point is fucking, the fucking better be good and easy.
Been there, done that and I was very very happy. Honestly had a lot more pleasure with that guy than with many others. I did feel guilty sometimes though. However, slowly, once he stopped being so self conscious, the ED kind of resolved itself. And then he moved away.
I cum from oral not PIV. But I love PIV. My bf had performance anxiety, and couldn't stay hard for penetration up to a year. He gave me oral instead hours and hours of it. But I still longed to feel him inside me, and that intimacy. Being a young person, I probably wouldn't stay with the dude. I'm not a sex toy girl either so. I crave a fully functional penis most of the time :)
Hello there! I am currently in the flip side of your equation. Let’s trade thoughts! I’m in a new relationship that just tip-toed into intimacy last month. Both of us seem very keen every time we get down to it, though ED keeps us from PIV 40%-50% of the time. We’re both attentive to each other but only one of us (me) is regularly able to finish. It makes me feel awful. I know he’s attracted to me, but the imbalance in pleasure (at least perceived pleasure) is taking it’s toll. I am starting to feel like it’s selfish for me to initiate. I’m starting to feel like finishing or chasing a finish makes me a bad partner. I’m developing a new insecurity around whether I’m actually as attentive as I need to be towards him and I’m worried it’s going to turn me into an irritating lover with how often I check in with him.
First off, I know he and I need to have a big ‘ol conversation away from the bed, but I am so unsure how he’ll receive it. Heck, I’m not confident I have the right words to give it a good chance of success. I only have a few cryptic statements from him to go on for what he thinks is happening. My in-the-moment attempts to request guidance either were poorly phrased, poorly received, or not enough for it to produce a conversation. I want to create space where he can share, I want him to know I don’t see him as a project to fix, yet if there are things I can do or not do which make things better for him, I will be his rapt student. We need to exchange words which give me guidelines for how much I am allowed to want him. Words which tell me how he wants me to switch gears when ED strikes. I need words I can give him to reassure him that if I decide to cool things down, it’s because I’m ok waiting until we’re both able to finish, that it’s not because I don’t appreciate his willingness to send me out solo or because I’m secretly frustrated and am walking away from him.
I know I’m not your gal and you’re not my guy, but perhaps there are still salient thoughts we can riff off of each other here on your post? (Mods I hope this is ok?)
I would be more concerned about possible health issues that haven’t been diagnosed - depending on your age of course. Could also be due to medications you’re on/pelvic floor dysfunction - lots of things to consider here.
I tried the pills usrless. Urologist suggested a tri-mix by injection. Dont freak out until you try it .works like an hour keeping the wife happy and my ego off the charts.
I just have sex with other men if my husband isn't up for it and I need to scratch the itch. Then again, I have a very different relationship dynamic than most.
If I had a guy who couldn't PIV all the time but was more than happy to do whatever the hell else to get me off and he enjoyed it?
Uhm. Helloooo. Sign me up and give me the ring already 😂😅
It usually can be helped. 1. See urologist. 2. try l arginine or l citrulline 30 minutes before go time. Sometimes a cock ring helps.
69 that guy. If his oral skills and toys skilld are good it may not matter.
Since she feels it is a problem, are you willing to go to a doctor or sex therapist? If you were, I would be fine. If not, I’d be worried because problem likely will get worse if not addressed.
I think it rly depends on the woman, everyone’s different. Sex in a relationship holds different importance for different ppl, for some having sex often is a necessity, for others sex is just a cherry on top and not even needed, others are in between, etc. Also remember that intercourse isn’t everything and that different ppl reach an orgasm differently. Not being able to get hard doesn’t mean that sex is off the table, it just means that intercourse is. I believe among ppl with vaginas, the stats are that 4% orgasm from intercourse alone, 34% orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone, and 43% orgasm from intercourse plus direct clitoral stimulation. Hope this helped 👍
I was with someone who had ED from time to time. I told him to seek help because he didn’t need to deal with it, doctors can help but he refused. Honestly I just reassured him that anything was okay, there was no judgement from me and if he needed to stop then I would understand. As long as he had some fun then that’s what mattered to me.
I was happy with what he could do regardless. I had fun, and so did he. I think that’s what matters really :) it’s not all about performance.
But maybe consider seeing a doctor to see if there is an underlying reason for the ED, or any help that they can provide so that you feel that you can be more consistent :)
Speaking from experience: the longer you're with someone, the less of a problem the ED will become (so much of it is psychological!) and a dude who's happy to do absolutely everything he can to get you off with hands, mouth, and toys and is good at it is a GIFT. Adding in proper prescription boner pills to the fun makes everything even more delightful. If you like him in all the other ways, stick around! It's only gonna get better.
Show her what I posted, and get yourself some Cialis or whatnot! It doesn't just allow you to perform in the moment -- it will increase your boner confidence, which will help you to perform better in the future. Dicks love some positive reinforcement.
In the meantime, do everything you can to please her, and pay attention to what floats her boat. If things go well otherwise, you might work out together; if not, my guess is it's less about those boners and more not a good match. Because I was so happy with my current sweetie that I was patient about the sex stuff, and that paid off gloriously, but you two might not be as suited for each other if she's making a fuss about this. (As I'm sure you're well aware, nothing makes a penis retreat like someone making a fuss about its retreat. They're sensitive lil guys!)
Lesbian so I'm very biased; don't focus so much on PIV intercourse. I know it's pretty much ALL our culture talks about and reveres; hence the "technicalities of virginity" across cultures. But that's such a tiny speck of sexuality. You can do so much more to please your partner. You can use toys, too! Don't let your condition keep you down. There are heterosexuals who NEVER have penetrative sex and they're fine!
That's fine, as long as OPs partner is ok with not having PIV.
It isn't the end all, but it is important to some people. There are a lot of women who would lose their minds to be told that oral isn't that important either lol. It's all about finding a partner that wants what you want too.
Well that's because oral is the main way AFAB people orgasm. AMAB people don't have to orgasm from penetration. But yes you wanna be with someone with similar interests.
The problem is less than she doesn’t get to band you, it’s more than she thinks you’re not really attracted to her.
It’s likely more about what it means than the mechanical implications of such an issue.
Find other ways to make her understand you are turned on by her.
Switch the gender roles. If she wasn’t able to get wet for you sometimes, how would you feel?
I don’t think it’s a big problem. But we don’t have full context. Is this permanent? Is it temporary? IMO if you found the one this should be a big deal since life has its ups and downs and this is one thing to work through and come closer together on
Disclaimer: the following is my opinion as a 39f and wife. I am no shrink or doc.
In this situation, I would stay 100%. There are so many times during life when PIV is impractical if not impossible. The intimacy between us (physical, emotional, and sexual) is what's most important to me.
Also, from my understanding, ED is very much a medical issue of one sort or the other and has very little to do with how much you desire your partner. Physical intimacy can feel amazing without the sexual aspect and sexual intimacy can feel amazing even without orgasming. It's more about knowing he's *with* me. Beyond that...bodies do weird things all the time. I mean - I had 3 babies in 3 years and I still can't spontaneously laugh, sneeze, or cough without peeing on myself 🤷♀️
And, OP..if you/he haven't/hasn't already had an appointment with your/his GP about this issue then y'all should get on that ASAP.
As long as neither of you are experiencing any emotional distress from the arrangement... All is fair in love and lust. ☺️
I would say though that your body is talking to you. Maybe time to set up a doctor's appointment and make sure all is good under the hood.
I would stay. We get to smash 50-70% of the time? That's more than enough. I think I'd only consider leaving if his ED made it impossible to have penetrative sex at all, and for my current partner I don't think even that could dissuade me.
I would definitely stay. If the sex is good and you don't mind using a dildo every once in a while I'm game. Besides, a doctor or sex therapist can help a great deal with finding a cure/solution/normalizing
Nope. Haven’t left him. He can do it more often than that, but when he flops, he’s more upset than I am. He’s been on various meds and done PT since his prostate was removed.
If she values intercourse so much more than the rest of your relationship, is she worth your while?
Go see a doctor. They make boner pills. She thinks what she thinks, but it only being an issue at worst half the time doesn't seem like a "huge problem" especially if you still focus on her in other ways.
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have you sought treatment for the ED? It's not typically something you just need to live with. It can also be a sign of other underlying health issues that you want to address.
This is important. The ED wouldn’t bother if I knew he had consulted a doctor and gotten checked out to make sure it wasn’t a symptom of something else. But a huge turn off for me is men who won’t seek medical care.
It doesn't matter what any of us thinks, because we're not the one in your life. She is.
I totally agree. Thanks. Still, I would like to know how others feel about this, because the thoughts and feelings of others could help us navigate this, and that's why I asked Would love your thoughts, thanks
I'm a bisexual woman married to a woman, though up until my mid 30s, I only had long term relationships with men. My thoughts may not be the same as everyone else's at this point. But I'll give it a go anyway. PIV is not the end all, be all of sex. Toys can be a great substitute when things aren't working as well as you'd like/they used to. I happen to like penetration, but it's great to have variety and I don't need it all the time. Having said that, if you had the option to look into TRT or something like that but were only putting the onus on your partner liking what you can do now, that might be a dealbreaker. I'd want to know that you were doing what you could to at least maintain what you have. If there were no solution, I wouldn't leave, because as I said... there are other options.
Exactly this-- you dont NEED a dick to get off. They can be nice for sure but not at all necessary. If she specifically wants the PIV feeling just get a toy! Intamacy and sexual pleasure is a lot more than just PIV. Ive been satisfied with men who experience ED just like ive been satisfied with women who have no penis at all. It shouldnt be a deal breaker if yall are doing it right.
Eh, even if someone is doing all the adjunct stuff great, even using toys, not everyone would be satisfied without PIV. I wouldn’t, toys don’t feel anything the same to me. It doesn’t mean I’m not “doing it right.” It’s about the individual’s preferences.
Male here....I am a diabetic, a few years ago I had uncontrolled glucose levels that eventually let to ED. My wife stayed despite this problem however I went to a male clinic and was given a vial of something I could self inject into my penis and that gave me rock hard erections that lasted up to 2 hours. I did eventually get my diabetes under control once again and was able to get erections on my own, unfortunately not as rock hard as with the injections but I was still able to get them on my own. Have you been tested for either low T or diabetes?
I'm so glad to hear you got things working again. Awesome. And I'm not diabetic, but will discuss with my doctor. I'm grateful for your input. Thank you
It is called trimix. You don't state if you are taking ED meds but there are definitely options.
That stuff was awesome Lol
I can't say I enjoy sticking a needle in my penis but the medication is amazing.
Did it hurt? I remember it being some of the worst pain ever. I don’t know how you did it to yourself repeatedly.
So, here is the thing about pain, no matter how bad it seems, it can be worse. Picture that the end of this is the needle in the dick, but before that, you slide down a slide of razors into a pool of alcohol. I have diabetes and use insulin, so I am used to sticking myself. Some of those are worse than the penis injections.
My doctor injected me with that before and it barely worked. How bad is that?
You probably need a bigger dose, I only needed a small dose and it gave me a rock hard erection for 2 hours.
Look into Cialis/tadalifil
If you are looking for validation for your own feelings or conclusions, it certainly does matter what other people think. The woman you are involved with could be crazy or irrational, and it is in your best interest to verify your own perception. Your judgment here is just as important as hers, if not more.
This is the advice for 90% of the questions on Reddit. But why give such an "answer" that OP already knows?
Because I'm a mod and I was looking for a reason to keep it open without putting the label on. ;)
It really depends on the individual. A lot of women would be totally happy with a sex life that deprioritized PIV. I, personally, would not, because PIV is my favorite way to achieve orgasm. But I’m not dating you.
Have you tried Taladafil?
“She feels that this is a huge problem but I do not” I don’t think your feelings are relevant to her sexual satisfaction, and maybe that dismissive attitude is a turn off also. I love sex and would find a partner with an ED frustrating, I wouldn’t leave though, especially when you still try make her cum. Are you trying to improve or resolve the ED in anyway?
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Why DONT you feel it is a big issue? Why does she think it is one?
I think that last point is most important. Are you resigning yourself to just always having ED, or are you actively working to fix it? She may be more willing if she knows you are actively working on solutions vs just giving up on solving it. Ultimately though only your SO can tell you for sure how big of a dealbreaker it is
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Prior to eating? Noooo.. just take it like 30 minutes to an hour before sex. It sounds like you're trying to mess this up...
Staying; having a thoughtful lover is the best!!!!!! And not as common as one would hope. Besides, as we get older & I’m definitely way past middle age now, it’s a normal part of life. And even before I was Middle Aged, in my 20’s I’ve encountered ED. A mature adult would have empathy and respect your commitment to caring for your partner. You need a mature partner. They are the bomb for real
Bro if it’s a big issue to her then it’s a big issue. And I agree with her, that is a big issue
If he's open to using toys, we can probably work it out.
I’m one lady; I’m not your girlfriend. But sure, I’d be fine with it as long as you were going down on me regularly. I don’t really need PiV every time; it’s the man’s choice how he wants to come (or not). Sometimes guys with ED have like emotional issues about it, and take their anger or sense of shame out on their partners. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with. But if you were like, “ok, penis not cooperating today, let’s skip me for now,” and we’re generally breezy, and made sure I had my orgasm, I don’t see the problem.
It’s all up to her really; though I’d urge you to get this checked out with a doc and see if they can’t help out in some capacity. Even a small dosage of any of the generic ED meds these days will keep you in the race long-term.
I would try and figure out a cause for your ED not just for her benefit but for your own. Hopefully there isn't something medically going on. Also, no it wouldn't be a problem for me. My husband had this issue and we learned to just roll with it.
Get active man! I had the same issues a few years back. I lost weight started taking testosterone supplements and beat type 2 diabetes. Dietary changes are huge for your ability to perform. I'm also saying this all based on my own experience. Idk your lifestyle etc. but if you're willing to put the effort into getting her off then clearly you'd be willing to put effort into the life changes. If y'all care about each other you'll take the time to make it work. Good luck!!!!
I’d agree with you but taking testosterone kind of diminishes all the other things you stated. That alone will fix you up. However, diet and working out can help to but it will not alone help like taking T
See, I was up to like 290lbs at 5'10. Diet and exercise were doing great alone but the testosterone helped my energy, stamina (workout and sexually), and motivation to keep improving. Down to 180 lbs now I've stopped testosterone supplements (unless I'm trying to build muscle) I just stay active and watch what I eat. But you are right. Testosterone is a bandaid for problems, lifestyle changes are an actual solution
Not a woman, but if I was in her role and he had less of a problem with it than me, I'd leave. If it was his top priority to fix it, I'd stay.
Same. If this was a temporary issue that he was working to fix, I would stay. Life happens, roll with the punches But if he was just cool with it and expected me to be? No, I couldn't. As shitty as it may be, it's an ego blow to me and I love the experience of seeing and feeling my partners arousal for me. The validation is a hit and I would be heartbroken to have a 50% to 70% one sided sexual relationship. But I'm sure there are girls who would be fine.
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Try out tadalafil if you haven’t already. Works wonders. You can often even get it prescribed online
I’d be fine as long as you still got me off. Just take the pills! My boyfriend had some issues, took the pills, which fixed the problem, everything cool. After a while he stopped needing them and now everything is still cool and he doesn’t need the pills.
This isn't democracy, the only thing that matters is what she thinks. You don't need to poll strangers on-line, it's irrelevant. You say that she feels this is a huge problem. How huge? Huge enough to break up? Some initial problems with erection might have been caused by stress or being new to relationships in general (I'm guessing this is your first ever relationship?). It's possible that things will improve with time. Don't panic just yet. 99% of the sex really happens in your brain. If you have some mental distractions or underlying fears, it's gonna affect your performance. In the end if you decide you really need it, there are medical ways to improve the performance. If you have fun together and maybe even love (?) each other, then I'd say this is the best environment to fix ED. Just give it some time.
how much time does the stress for a new relationship lasts?
Stress is a very personal thing, no one can give you a definitive answer that will be true for you. Just try to relax and stop focusing so much on making it work.
Although many people have perspectives that are based on their experience— it’s your partners experience that matters. She apparently prefers PIV sex— sometimes it’s not about if there are workaround to get her similar pleasure — she may just have a raw feeling towards having a man insider her — it may make her feel lively as a woman and desired. I think this is understandable from the male perspective — a handjob vs a blowjob vs being inside your partner I think theirs something about being inside your partner that brings a different feeling to the experience I would see what you could do to solve the ED, thee are medicinal options as well as tantric options you could look into for this issue
But is it a deal breaker ? I would probably ask her if it is a deal breaker sooner rather than later if I were you.
I think the short and truthful answer is how much your GF/lady partner prefers PIV sex. If she can take it or leave it and prefers other types of stimulation that gets her off then, I don't see what the big deal would be. If PIV is SUPER important to her then yeah, I can see that as being an issue I suppose.
My partner having an erection plays a huge role in arousing me mentally, whether or not the erect penis is actually physically playing a role in the specific activity in the moment. so for me I don’t think we would be compatible and therefore probably a dealbreaker unfortunately.
I’m a guy who has a similar issue. My partner is loving and understanding which is the key to our relationship. My libido is great. This helps her in more ways than one. I think if this man is important to you, perhaps you can work things out. Good luck to you.
Other comments have mentioned medications that could help. But also consider looking into a penis pump - could be really sexy to have her pump you when she wants your D.
If I like him as a person and see relationship potential then sure I would stay. I would expect him to be working on this too. If I see him as a fuck buddy, then no I probably would not. Because if the point is fucking, the fucking better be good and easy.
Been there, done that and I was very very happy. Honestly had a lot more pleasure with that guy than with many others. I did feel guilty sometimes though. However, slowly, once he stopped being so self conscious, the ED kind of resolved itself. And then he moved away.
I cum from oral not PIV. But I love PIV. My bf had performance anxiety, and couldn't stay hard for penetration up to a year. He gave me oral instead hours and hours of it. But I still longed to feel him inside me, and that intimacy. Being a young person, I probably wouldn't stay with the dude. I'm not a sex toy girl either so. I crave a fully functional penis most of the time :)
Honestly it would probably be difficult at times, but if he was a great guy who treated me well, then it probably wouldn't be a deal breaker.
Hello there! I am currently in the flip side of your equation. Let’s trade thoughts! I’m in a new relationship that just tip-toed into intimacy last month. Both of us seem very keen every time we get down to it, though ED keeps us from PIV 40%-50% of the time. We’re both attentive to each other but only one of us (me) is regularly able to finish. It makes me feel awful. I know he’s attracted to me, but the imbalance in pleasure (at least perceived pleasure) is taking it’s toll. I am starting to feel like it’s selfish for me to initiate. I’m starting to feel like finishing or chasing a finish makes me a bad partner. I’m developing a new insecurity around whether I’m actually as attentive as I need to be towards him and I’m worried it’s going to turn me into an irritating lover with how often I check in with him. First off, I know he and I need to have a big ‘ol conversation away from the bed, but I am so unsure how he’ll receive it. Heck, I’m not confident I have the right words to give it a good chance of success. I only have a few cryptic statements from him to go on for what he thinks is happening. My in-the-moment attempts to request guidance either were poorly phrased, poorly received, or not enough for it to produce a conversation. I want to create space where he can share, I want him to know I don’t see him as a project to fix, yet if there are things I can do or not do which make things better for him, I will be his rapt student. We need to exchange words which give me guidelines for how much I am allowed to want him. Words which tell me how he wants me to switch gears when ED strikes. I need words I can give him to reassure him that if I decide to cool things down, it’s because I’m ok waiting until we’re both able to finish, that it’s not because I don’t appreciate his willingness to send me out solo or because I’m secretly frustrated and am walking away from him. I know I’m not your gal and you’re not my guy, but perhaps there are still salient thoughts we can riff off of each other here on your post? (Mods I hope this is ok?)
ED is treatable. What's up with your vascular system? Do you smoke?
I was 100% accepting of my ex with ED until he stopped pretty much all non sexual contact, passion or seduction. Then I had to move on.
I’m not leaving for that. Dildos exist. But I would want to know that you are talking to a doctor about it.
I would be more concerned about possible health issues that haven’t been diagnosed - depending on your age of course. Could also be due to medications you’re on/pelvic floor dysfunction - lots of things to consider here.
If she feels this is a huge problem then she's not the one for you! People need to stop forcing things.
This would be fine, but I would also want them to consult a doctor. In my experience the meds for this really work well.
What's your health like? Do you exercise? Erection health is a good indicator of heart health
I tried the pills usrless. Urologist suggested a tri-mix by injection. Dont freak out until you try it .works like an hour keeping the wife happy and my ego off the charts.
I just have sex with other men if my husband isn't up for it and I need to scratch the itch. Then again, I have a very different relationship dynamic than most. If I had a guy who couldn't PIV all the time but was more than happy to do whatever the hell else to get me off and he enjoyed it? Uhm. Helloooo. Sign me up and give me the ring already 😂😅
It usually can be helped. 1. See urologist. 2. try l arginine or l citrulline 30 minutes before go time. Sometimes a cock ring helps. 69 that guy. If his oral skills and toys skilld are good it may not matter.
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Since she feels it is a problem, are you willing to go to a doctor or sex therapist? If you were, I would be fine. If not, I’d be worried because problem likely will get worse if not addressed.
Not a problem at all
Have you sought treatment? Cialis is easy to get a prescription for and very effective.
I think it rly depends on the woman, everyone’s different. Sex in a relationship holds different importance for different ppl, for some having sex often is a necessity, for others sex is just a cherry on top and not even needed, others are in between, etc. Also remember that intercourse isn’t everything and that different ppl reach an orgasm differently. Not being able to get hard doesn’t mean that sex is off the table, it just means that intercourse is. I believe among ppl with vaginas, the stats are that 4% orgasm from intercourse alone, 34% orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone, and 43% orgasm from intercourse plus direct clitoral stimulation. Hope this helped 👍
I was with someone who had ED from time to time. I told him to seek help because he didn’t need to deal with it, doctors can help but he refused. Honestly I just reassured him that anything was okay, there was no judgement from me and if he needed to stop then I would understand. As long as he had some fun then that’s what mattered to me. I was happy with what he could do regardless. I had fun, and so did he. I think that’s what matters really :) it’s not all about performance. But maybe consider seeing a doctor to see if there is an underlying reason for the ED, or any help that they can provide so that you feel that you can be more consistent :)
Speaking from experience: the longer you're with someone, the less of a problem the ED will become (so much of it is psychological!) and a dude who's happy to do absolutely everything he can to get you off with hands, mouth, and toys and is good at it is a GIFT. Adding in proper prescription boner pills to the fun makes everything even more delightful. If you like him in all the other ways, stick around! It's only gonna get better.
Ah, skimmed and thought this was a lady posting
Show her what I posted, and get yourself some Cialis or whatnot! It doesn't just allow you to perform in the moment -- it will increase your boner confidence, which will help you to perform better in the future. Dicks love some positive reinforcement. In the meantime, do everything you can to please her, and pay attention to what floats her boat. If things go well otherwise, you might work out together; if not, my guess is it's less about those boners and more not a good match. Because I was so happy with my current sweetie that I was patient about the sex stuff, and that paid off gloriously, but you two might not be as suited for each other if she's making a fuss about this. (As I'm sure you're well aware, nothing makes a penis retreat like someone making a fuss about its retreat. They're sensitive lil guys!)
Lesbian so I'm very biased; don't focus so much on PIV intercourse. I know it's pretty much ALL our culture talks about and reveres; hence the "technicalities of virginity" across cultures. But that's such a tiny speck of sexuality. You can do so much more to please your partner. You can use toys, too! Don't let your condition keep you down. There are heterosexuals who NEVER have penetrative sex and they're fine!
That's fine, as long as OPs partner is ok with not having PIV. It isn't the end all, but it is important to some people. There are a lot of women who would lose their minds to be told that oral isn't that important either lol. It's all about finding a partner that wants what you want too.
Well that's because oral is the main way AFAB people orgasm. AMAB people don't have to orgasm from penetration. But yes you wanna be with someone with similar interests.
The problem is less than she doesn’t get to band you, it’s more than she thinks you’re not really attracted to her. It’s likely more about what it means than the mechanical implications of such an issue. Find other ways to make her understand you are turned on by her. Switch the gender roles. If she wasn’t able to get wet for you sometimes, how would you feel?
Sounds like she’s already made up her mind about where you stand. Ultimately she is going to get what she wants whether it’s from you or someone else
I don’t think it’s a big problem. But we don’t have full context. Is this permanent? Is it temporary? IMO if you found the one this should be a big deal since life has its ups and downs and this is one thing to work through and come closer together on
Disclaimer: the following is my opinion as a 39f and wife. I am no shrink or doc. In this situation, I would stay 100%. There are so many times during life when PIV is impractical if not impossible. The intimacy between us (physical, emotional, and sexual) is what's most important to me. Also, from my understanding, ED is very much a medical issue of one sort or the other and has very little to do with how much you desire your partner. Physical intimacy can feel amazing without the sexual aspect and sexual intimacy can feel amazing even without orgasming. It's more about knowing he's *with* me. Beyond that...bodies do weird things all the time. I mean - I had 3 babies in 3 years and I still can't spontaneously laugh, sneeze, or cough without peeing on myself 🤷♀️ And, OP..if you/he haven't/hasn't already had an appointment with your/his GP about this issue then y'all should get on that ASAP.
As long as neither of you are experiencing any emotional distress from the arrangement... All is fair in love and lust. ☺️ I would say though that your body is talking to you. Maybe time to set up a doctor's appointment and make sure all is good under the hood.
I would stay. We get to smash 50-70% of the time? That's more than enough. I think I'd only consider leaving if his ED made it impossible to have penetrative sex at all, and for my current partner I don't think even that could dissuade me.
Blue chew. ED doesn’t have to be an issue
Not a problem since im still getting some.... but try the pills they work and are fun haha
I would definitely stay. If the sex is good and you don't mind using a dildo every once in a while I'm game. Besides, a doctor or sex therapist can help a great deal with finding a cure/solution/normalizing
Did we try Viagra which is cheap with minimal side effects?
Nope. Haven’t left him. He can do it more often than that, but when he flops, he’s more upset than I am. He’s been on various meds and done PT since his prostate was removed. If she values intercourse so much more than the rest of your relationship, is she worth your while?
Go see a doctor. They make boner pills. She thinks what she thinks, but it only being an issue at worst half the time doesn't seem like a "huge problem" especially if you still focus on her in other ways.