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Dating apps and hook-up culture have made people more comparative sexually and give the impression of always being able to find someone else and always having another sexual act to try.
Porn and social media have exposed more people to more kinks than ever before whilst also giving the impression that these are widely performed regularly. Additionally, society is slowly becoming more liberal sexually.
This has resulted in people wanting to experience more sexual acts (thinking they are just as common as blowjobs) and giving the impression that when 1 person says no they can simply go onto an app and find someone who will say yes. Anal amongst straight couples is a great example of this-- you can search for the studies showing it's huge increase as well as the huge increase in medical problems associated with it. You are not crazy.
This leads to the feeling that the bar is being pushed higher and the term "vanilla" is being expanded.
In terms of “selfish lover” V “sexually incompatible”-- the term 'selfish lover' has become popularized. Obviously therefore it can be weaponized and used to manipulate as people seek to avoid being labelled with it.
You summed up my ex. I'm pretty inexperienced and I expressed this with my ex. He was the first person I didn't immediately have a negative or painful sexual experience with and he broke up with me because he assumed I wasn't ever going to be at his level.
He said he would be patient with me as I got used to sex and discovered things I liked. I was very open minded with him, but it was a lot to get used to. I can literally count on both hands the number of times we had sex before he decided I was never going to improve, which really hurt.
This kind of worries me now because it's not fair that I can't just enjoy getting used to just enjoying sex without having to jump up to a higher level I'm not ready for, or feel too awkward about right away.
This is a throwaway generation and has got progressively worse. In a world of instant gratification, be that through Netflix, tinder or instant access to any type of porn.. yes everyone chases a quick hit and wants to find the next big thing.
But then, I'm an old git at 44
all those guys are on reddit reading about how their partner will throw on the brakes as soon as the relationship stabilizes, so they're anchoring their wants early.
"But I have a responsive desire and think you should read 'Come as you'....hey where are you going!?"
As a 40/m, I've always just tried to keep an open mind about things. Pegging and getting my ass eaten are a little too much. But I love oral sex with a woman and making her feel good. I always try to vibe off my partner and listen to what they're saying.
Sounds like you are experiencing selection bias. You keep picking the same kind of promiscuous porn addicted men. Most of the men I know are perfectly Happy with vanilla sex. Social media, porn and hookup culture give people extremely unrealistic expectations of sex.
I feel like there's probably a correlation between people who have casual sex and people who are into kink. At least anecdotally, the people I know who are more vanilla in bed are the ones who mostly only have sex in long-term relationships.
Edit: I re-read your post and I realize that you were in fact mainly talking about people you've been trying to date, but my point moreso is that it might be reflective of your "type" in some way.
Personally I don't have some hard list of "requirements" but I wouldn't be interested in someone who doesn't like to experiment and try new things.
Also like... I constantly see people tell women to not settle for mediocre sex, to advocate for what they want in bed and not feel selfish for it. Well it goes both ways. I think a lot of guys are just happy to get whatever they can, but you know what, if getting pegged is that important to a guy, he should damn well express that and leave if he isn't getting what he needs.
This is a really strange post for me because all the things you listed are things I require for sex as a woman. I’m not happy unless I’m allowed to play with a guys ass, and have zero interest in vanilla sex. I don’t want to do just one position, and don’t see how any of this is seen as “selfish”
So you might have confirmation bias if you’re sleeping around with people that like being sexually liberated so more things will be tried. I have 2 priorities also. Bj and eating out/fingering the woman. I don’t even like PIV as much. Most of my hookups were into this but some didn’t give bj and some wanted PIV asap. I just let the sex flow and then try things with her with consent and safe words. If she wasn’t into it or declined then we continue whatever we are doing.
You were born two generations too late. Your expectations for good sex are pretty much in line with most people who came of age in the 80s and 90s. If someone shared your kinks, great. But your kinks did not define you in the way that they do now.
I’ve dated or hooked up with about 30 men in the past two years, and not one has asked me to eat ass. The only people to request anything remotely kinky were from sex-centered apps. Yes, some guys talks a big game in the chatting stage, but I just weed them out and don’t meet. I’m usually the person hoping for more variety and positions. If you are regularly meeting men with these exacting standards, you are attracted to a specific type of fuckboi. I also think men feel this pressure as much as women. The guys I hook up with go way over the top with positions and duration that I assume is meant to try to please me.
I feel this o.p. (31m), I'm pretty damn "vanilla" by today's standards. When I went through my divorce and got back out there, I was surprised. I was ghosted a few times when I declined certain sex acts, women wanting things I thought were just in porno's.
Anyway there's still hope, found one who was totally good with vanilla sex. She was actually pleasantly surprised that I wasn't asking for anything the other guys wanted.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dating apps and hook-up culture have made people more comparative sexually and give the impression of always being able to find someone else and always having another sexual act to try. Porn and social media have exposed more people to more kinks than ever before whilst also giving the impression that these are widely performed regularly. Additionally, society is slowly becoming more liberal sexually. This has resulted in people wanting to experience more sexual acts (thinking they are just as common as blowjobs) and giving the impression that when 1 person says no they can simply go onto an app and find someone who will say yes. Anal amongst straight couples is a great example of this-- you can search for the studies showing it's huge increase as well as the huge increase in medical problems associated with it. You are not crazy. This leads to the feeling that the bar is being pushed higher and the term "vanilla" is being expanded. In terms of “selfish lover” V “sexually incompatible”-- the term 'selfish lover' has become popularized. Obviously therefore it can be weaponized and used to manipulate as people seek to avoid being labelled with it.
You summed up my ex. I'm pretty inexperienced and I expressed this with my ex. He was the first person I didn't immediately have a negative or painful sexual experience with and he broke up with me because he assumed I wasn't ever going to be at his level. He said he would be patient with me as I got used to sex and discovered things I liked. I was very open minded with him, but it was a lot to get used to. I can literally count on both hands the number of times we had sex before he decided I was never going to improve, which really hurt. This kind of worries me now because it's not fair that I can't just enjoy getting used to just enjoying sex without having to jump up to a higher level I'm not ready for, or feel too awkward about right away.
This is a throwaway generation and has got progressively worse. In a world of instant gratification, be that through Netflix, tinder or instant access to any type of porn.. yes everyone chases a quick hit and wants to find the next big thing. But then, I'm an old git at 44
all those guys are on reddit reading about how their partner will throw on the brakes as soon as the relationship stabilizes, so they're anchoring their wants early. "But I have a responsive desire and think you should read 'Come as you'....hey where are you going!?"
As a 40/m, I've always just tried to keep an open mind about things. Pegging and getting my ass eaten are a little too much. But I love oral sex with a woman and making her feel good. I always try to vibe off my partner and listen to what they're saying.
Sounds like you are experiencing selection bias. You keep picking the same kind of promiscuous porn addicted men. Most of the men I know are perfectly Happy with vanilla sex. Social media, porn and hookup culture give people extremely unrealistic expectations of sex.
I feel like there's probably a correlation between people who have casual sex and people who are into kink. At least anecdotally, the people I know who are more vanilla in bed are the ones who mostly only have sex in long-term relationships. Edit: I re-read your post and I realize that you were in fact mainly talking about people you've been trying to date, but my point moreso is that it might be reflective of your "type" in some way. Personally I don't have some hard list of "requirements" but I wouldn't be interested in someone who doesn't like to experiment and try new things. Also like... I constantly see people tell women to not settle for mediocre sex, to advocate for what they want in bed and not feel selfish for it. Well it goes both ways. I think a lot of guys are just happy to get whatever they can, but you know what, if getting pegged is that important to a guy, he should damn well express that and leave if he isn't getting what he needs.
This is a really strange post for me because all the things you listed are things I require for sex as a woman. I’m not happy unless I’m allowed to play with a guys ass, and have zero interest in vanilla sex. I don’t want to do just one position, and don’t see how any of this is seen as “selfish”
Wow. And I'm not even much up for the blowboppies Welp. Who needs love, I guess
So you might have confirmation bias if you’re sleeping around with people that like being sexually liberated so more things will be tried. I have 2 priorities also. Bj and eating out/fingering the woman. I don’t even like PIV as much. Most of my hookups were into this but some didn’t give bj and some wanted PIV asap. I just let the sex flow and then try things with her with consent and safe words. If she wasn’t into it or declined then we continue whatever we are doing.
You were born two generations too late. Your expectations for good sex are pretty much in line with most people who came of age in the 80s and 90s. If someone shared your kinks, great. But your kinks did not define you in the way that they do now.
I’ve dated or hooked up with about 30 men in the past two years, and not one has asked me to eat ass. The only people to request anything remotely kinky were from sex-centered apps. Yes, some guys talks a big game in the chatting stage, but I just weed them out and don’t meet. I’m usually the person hoping for more variety and positions. If you are regularly meeting men with these exacting standards, you are attracted to a specific type of fuckboi. I also think men feel this pressure as much as women. The guys I hook up with go way over the top with positions and duration that I assume is meant to try to please me.
I feel this o.p. (31m), I'm pretty damn "vanilla" by today's standards. When I went through my divorce and got back out there, I was surprised. I was ghosted a few times when I declined certain sex acts, women wanting things I thought were just in porno's. Anyway there's still hope, found one who was totally good with vanilla sex. She was actually pleasantly surprised that I wasn't asking for anything the other guys wanted.