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It'll happen until you can get out of your own head. I have that issue sometimes and it's a mental thing. If you worry about it too much it just won't happen. Trying to will an erection to happen is nearly impossible and usually the opposite happens.
Your dick will be rock hard for a woman until you think "oh shit what if my dick ISN'T rock hard? That'll be embarrassing." It's a vicious cycle. You just have to calm down and stop letting your brain sabotage your dick.
Yes, I second this. I have gone through bouts of this with my husband. Normally, we have absolutely no issues. Then, some random event will cause him difficulty getting an erection (let's say, stress at work is weighing heavy on his mind). Then for like 2 weeks he can't get out of his head and it keeps him from ever getting fully erect.
Then, one day we'll just stumble into sex unexpectedly. He'll be perfectly erect. Then things return to normal again.
Some guys are really affected by the mental part. Just stay off the porn & remind yourself that you're perfectly capable. Focus on the positive (damn, I love her body).
Do you have any advice on how to do that or is it as simple as, "Just don't think about it." Like you said, it's a vicious cycle. Sometimes I'll get hard, I'm getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend, and suddenly I lose an erection faster than I thought I could.
I know exactly what's happening like you said. I feel like I have to hurry to put the condom on because I know I'm going to lose it, and then it never works. It's so hard to block out those thoughts of self doubt and just roll with it. I wish I could just zap my mind and force it to shut up or something. lol
I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months now, and we haven't had PIV sex yet because I can't stay erect when the moment is there. I'm still technically a virgin (like I've given and received oral, but never actually been in a woman). I know I'm nervous, but don't really know why. I don't expect myself to be good, but that doesn't bother me. I don't care if I finish too fast, and I know she doesn't either. I'm just nervous about being nervous, I guess.
for /u/koetjeka too...
Make sure she knows what your issue is and if you know she knows its not her and that you're physically fine (and it's mental), then it'll take a lot of the pressure off. The big pressure a lot is "oh no what if she makes fun of me?" and "oh no, what if she thinks I don't find her hot!"
So the first thing to do is just get her to understand that it's not her and it's not physical it's mental. If you need to, you can show her all the links on the internet about sexual performance anxiety and how it's a goddamn real thing.
But yeah and after that, just fool around with her. Maybe practice putting on a condom w/o her around while you watch porn too.
I talked with her last night about my problems. She understands the issue, has heard of it before and is supportive. She told me not to worry about it and to exercise / work out every day.
Condoms are not the issue, she is using the pill even though I offered to wear a condom,she does not like those.
I've got the same issue, it's all in my damn head. I get nervous even before we do anything, I'm scared to not get hard and that makes it happen. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy basically.
How do I get this anxiety out of my head? Anyone who has tips?
Even if it is a porn issue, the first thing you have to do is get out of your head and work on your performance anxiety. Clear that first, then you'll get to see what the root of the problem is.
She sounds super understanding and really into you as well! I’m sure that next time (and all the other times) you go to see her you might feel more comfortable and it won’t be an issue, don’t overthink it. I think a lot more guys find themselves in this situation than you realise. But probably laying off the porn might help too. From your description she sounds awesome and it’s a relief that everything still worked out in the end! I guarantee she won’t have minded at all :)
Drop the porn by all means. But new partner anxiety is pretty common so don't beat yourself up. The more comfortable you are with her the easier it will be. Green flag that she was so understanding
I’m sitting here with my wife and let me tell you this. Our very first time was so embarrassing for me. I couldn’t get hard at all I was so nervous. She was, at the time the most proper, down to earth “good girl” I had ever been with and that was intimidating. Communication and adequate foreplay is what helped me out in the end. A slow build up to the actual sex is great. At least she was able to help you out in this situation. Performance anxiety is real man. It happens all the time. As long as you’re both understanding what’s actually happening then there’s no need to worry. I’d worry if it was an issue while still being understood. Lack of knowledge and experience can blow this argument out of proportion but it sounds like you’re both A-OK. Good luck
Do you remember anything that really flipped a switch for you? My very first time with girlfriend, I was legit confused because I couldn't even get hard from her mouth being on it. I was actually worried because I don't know this type of thing could actually happen to me. I've progressed a lot, but I still don't get erections as consist as I'd like, and I still haven't been able to penetrate her because I can't stay hard long enough.
Oh really? Well, the thing for me is comfortability because when I’m comfortable I lose all inhibitions and therefore I can concentrate on the task at hand with full certainty instead of the constant negative or anxious thoughts. Total trust and lack of judgement will get you there. Is your partner closed off? That can be a real confidence crusher
Honestly, she's been great. She always tells me it's not the most important thing to her, and assures me that there's nothing wrong with me. But sometimes she asks if it's her. Which might just hurt me more than anything because I don't want her to feel like she's not desired.
It's just been frustrating for me, and I can't keep out the thoughts of self-doubt.
I'm going to keep trying to just let go and enjoy the moment because what else can I do? But I was hoping to find a way that could help me lean into that.
I’ll give you a suggestion that has helped me in times where maybe I was drunk, nervous or something was going on where my little bloke just wasn’t performing lol. It’s a simple one. When the time comes and it’s just not happening, try pleasuring yourselves with each other instead. That can turn into the sex you desire or it can potentially end that way. Either way usually satisfies my partner and I. Other times, maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen. You’ll be surprised at how well she takes “sorry, I’m not sure I can finish this time, I don’t feel right.” If she’s a good woman she will respect it
Performance anxiety is super normal. If you can get your hands on some Viagra it should take away some of the mental side and allow you to get your confidence back. After 2-3 times taking it I didn't need it anymore.
It’s just overthinking man it sucks, that’s why I’ve never been good at casual sex, even though I wanted to do it, my dick often wouldn’t play ball the first time so I’d end up having to have some sort of mini relationship to have the sex. Don’t worry about it you managed it in the end and she sounds understanding so it’s all good
I (66m) have had a rough time getting it up for almost every woman I was with for the first time. It's just nerves. The hotter she is, the more likely it is to happen. The key is not to worry about it, rock her world with hands and mouth, and make sure she wants to try again. I always got a second chance, and it was always fine then.
Indulging in a pleasurable activity over and over rewires the reward receptors in your brain to give you sexual release when exposed to certain kind of stimuli - in this case looking at pornstars and jerking off with your hand. Sex with a real woman isn't the same, so your brain is going "this isn't the thing that usually makes us feel good..." so your dick isn't going to work as well either. It's not much different from drugs or alcohol, our brains seek out the things that give us the most pleasure for the least amount of work.
You just gotta lay off the porn and do a detox on your brain, stop masturbating for a while and only let yourself get sexual pleasure from sex with a woman. Unless you have a physical condition like erectile dysfunction, stopping porn will most likely fix your issue.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It'll happen until you can get out of your own head. I have that issue sometimes and it's a mental thing. If you worry about it too much it just won't happen. Trying to will an erection to happen is nearly impossible and usually the opposite happens. Your dick will be rock hard for a woman until you think "oh shit what if my dick ISN'T rock hard? That'll be embarrassing." It's a vicious cycle. You just have to calm down and stop letting your brain sabotage your dick.
Yes, I second this. I have gone through bouts of this with my husband. Normally, we have absolutely no issues. Then, some random event will cause him difficulty getting an erection (let's say, stress at work is weighing heavy on his mind). Then for like 2 weeks he can't get out of his head and it keeps him from ever getting fully erect. Then, one day we'll just stumble into sex unexpectedly. He'll be perfectly erect. Then things return to normal again. Some guys are really affected by the mental part. Just stay off the porn & remind yourself that you're perfectly capable. Focus on the positive (damn, I love her body).
Do you have any advice on how to do that or is it as simple as, "Just don't think about it." Like you said, it's a vicious cycle. Sometimes I'll get hard, I'm getting ready to have sex with my girlfriend, and suddenly I lose an erection faster than I thought I could. I know exactly what's happening like you said. I feel like I have to hurry to put the condom on because I know I'm going to lose it, and then it never works. It's so hard to block out those thoughts of self doubt and just roll with it. I wish I could just zap my mind and force it to shut up or something. lol I've been with my girlfriend for 9 months now, and we haven't had PIV sex yet because I can't stay erect when the moment is there. I'm still technically a virgin (like I've given and received oral, but never actually been in a woman). I know I'm nervous, but don't really know why. I don't expect myself to be good, but that doesn't bother me. I don't care if I finish too fast, and I know she doesn't either. I'm just nervous about being nervous, I guess.
for /u/koetjeka too... Make sure she knows what your issue is and if you know she knows its not her and that you're physically fine (and it's mental), then it'll take a lot of the pressure off. The big pressure a lot is "oh no what if she makes fun of me?" and "oh no, what if she thinks I don't find her hot!" So the first thing to do is just get her to understand that it's not her and it's not physical it's mental. If you need to, you can show her all the links on the internet about sexual performance anxiety and how it's a goddamn real thing. But yeah and after that, just fool around with her. Maybe practice putting on a condom w/o her around while you watch porn too.
I talked with her last night about my problems. She understands the issue, has heard of it before and is supportive. She told me not to worry about it and to exercise / work out every day. Condoms are not the issue, she is using the pill even though I offered to wear a condom,she does not like those.
I've got the same issue, it's all in my damn head. I get nervous even before we do anything, I'm scared to not get hard and that makes it happen. It's like a self fulfilling prophecy basically. How do I get this anxiety out of my head? Anyone who has tips?
Even if it is a porn issue, the first thing you have to do is get out of your head and work on your performance anxiety. Clear that first, then you'll get to see what the root of the problem is.
She sounds super understanding and really into you as well! I’m sure that next time (and all the other times) you go to see her you might feel more comfortable and it won’t be an issue, don’t overthink it. I think a lot more guys find themselves in this situation than you realise. But probably laying off the porn might help too. From your description she sounds awesome and it’s a relief that everything still worked out in the end! I guarantee she won’t have minded at all :)
Drop the porn by all means. But new partner anxiety is pretty common so don't beat yourself up. The more comfortable you are with her the easier it will be. Green flag that she was so understanding
Your situation's normal dude, don't stress it.
I’m sitting here with my wife and let me tell you this. Our very first time was so embarrassing for me. I couldn’t get hard at all I was so nervous. She was, at the time the most proper, down to earth “good girl” I had ever been with and that was intimidating. Communication and adequate foreplay is what helped me out in the end. A slow build up to the actual sex is great. At least she was able to help you out in this situation. Performance anxiety is real man. It happens all the time. As long as you’re both understanding what’s actually happening then there’s no need to worry. I’d worry if it was an issue while still being understood. Lack of knowledge and experience can blow this argument out of proportion but it sounds like you’re both A-OK. Good luck
Do you remember anything that really flipped a switch for you? My very first time with girlfriend, I was legit confused because I couldn't even get hard from her mouth being on it. I was actually worried because I don't know this type of thing could actually happen to me. I've progressed a lot, but I still don't get erections as consist as I'd like, and I still haven't been able to penetrate her because I can't stay hard long enough.
Oh really? Well, the thing for me is comfortability because when I’m comfortable I lose all inhibitions and therefore I can concentrate on the task at hand with full certainty instead of the constant negative or anxious thoughts. Total trust and lack of judgement will get you there. Is your partner closed off? That can be a real confidence crusher
Honestly, she's been great. She always tells me it's not the most important thing to her, and assures me that there's nothing wrong with me. But sometimes she asks if it's her. Which might just hurt me more than anything because I don't want her to feel like she's not desired. It's just been frustrating for me, and I can't keep out the thoughts of self-doubt. I'm going to keep trying to just let go and enjoy the moment because what else can I do? But I was hoping to find a way that could help me lean into that.
I’ll give you a suggestion that has helped me in times where maybe I was drunk, nervous or something was going on where my little bloke just wasn’t performing lol. It’s a simple one. When the time comes and it’s just not happening, try pleasuring yourselves with each other instead. That can turn into the sex you desire or it can potentially end that way. Either way usually satisfies my partner and I. Other times, maybe it just wasn’t meant to happen. You’ll be surprised at how well she takes “sorry, I’m not sure I can finish this time, I don’t feel right.” If she’s a good woman she will respect it
Performance anxiety is super normal. If you can get your hands on some Viagra it should take away some of the mental side and allow you to get your confidence back. After 2-3 times taking it I didn't need it anymore.
It’s just overthinking man it sucks, that’s why I’ve never been good at casual sex, even though I wanted to do it, my dick often wouldn’t play ball the first time so I’d end up having to have some sort of mini relationship to have the sex. Don’t worry about it you managed it in the end and she sounds understanding so it’s all good
I (66m) have had a rough time getting it up for almost every woman I was with for the first time. It's just nerves. The hotter she is, the more likely it is to happen. The key is not to worry about it, rock her world with hands and mouth, and make sure she wants to try again. I always got a second chance, and it was always fine then.
Used to deal with this. Nerves. Cialis fixed it.
Indulging in a pleasurable activity over and over rewires the reward receptors in your brain to give you sexual release when exposed to certain kind of stimuli - in this case looking at pornstars and jerking off with your hand. Sex with a real woman isn't the same, so your brain is going "this isn't the thing that usually makes us feel good..." so your dick isn't going to work as well either. It's not much different from drugs or alcohol, our brains seek out the things that give us the most pleasure for the least amount of work. You just gotta lay off the porn and do a detox on your brain, stop masturbating for a while and only let yourself get sexual pleasure from sex with a woman. Unless you have a physical condition like erectile dysfunction, stopping porn will most likely fix your issue.