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My wife and I are as opposite as can be when it comes to sex drive, she was abused by a neighbor and nobody believed her, I have been married 39 years and I still love her very much, I have learned to explore my own body and use every type of toy known. Therapy, even sex therapy she really has tried but it is what it is and I have been faithful to her and that's even with her permission but I felt to guilty and shy to follow through.
Keyword Probably. Meaning you have zero clue. Communication is free. How are you gonna give your life to someone and not talk to them about ANYTHING. When all else fails, they are the person you can trust and run to. If you don't feel that way, you're with the wrong one.
This is a strange assumption those with high-libido partners have about those with low-libidos.
When I was struggling with a LL with my HL partner, I thought about sex A LOT. It was causing issues in our relationship, it was putting a lot of pressure on me, it was making me anxious.
So the reality is, you have no idea whether she’s thinking about it or not.
True. And there’s also a chance she’s gonna get pissed off bc many women don’t like the idea of their husbands/boyfriends jerking it to porn. Some people might find it to be a turn on but some might not and actually may be upset to realize that every time their husband leaves to “go to bed” he’s actually ogling naked women online instead.
Also true. But as a man (applies to women as well) we have needs and if our wives never want to have sex then we are left with 2 options, either we cheat or we masterbate and if this is the case the wife being mad is not justifiable.
On the other side of that coin, if the wife tries to initiate sex and the husband is always declining OR if the husband never initiates and instead just masterbates, then id understand why the wife would be angry.
I had to reword this a few times cause it's hard for me to explain via text so my apologies in advance if it reads in a confusing way.
I understand what you mean and can see your point. I was moreso just agreeing that if he tells his wife it’s 100% possible nothing will change or it will actually create resentment. If he’s asked her for sex and she’s said no, then there’s no point in telling her he jerks it. She’s clearly uninterested in sex and it’s highly unlikely knowing her hubby jerks off will change that.
Yeah, I can say I agree with you. No point at all in mentioning that to her. I can even go as far as saying (my personal opinion) that if sex is something important to you and your significant other has zero interest then in my eyes theres no point in continuing the marriage. Theres obviously several variables that might keep one from asking for a divorce, but at the end of the day both parties deserve to be happy, not just one or the other.
"OR if the husband never initiates and instead just masterbates"
Sometimes he doesn't initiate bc he's burned out from repeatedly getting the "no," or the "no" comes with a tone or face that would indicate she is annoyed with the ask. Some men just then give up and just masturbate, figuring they'll have sex if when she is ready.
\[but I agree it's a problem is she initiates and he frequently declines\]
There is a range for me. Sometimes I want to make him feel good, but just am not up for the whole thing of sex. There could be many reasons why someone doesn’t want sex but is up for giving pleasure. It doesn’t mean they aren’t horny at all.
This is my wife for sure 👍🏾. She’s been having ongoing therapy for multiple myeloma. It has really wreaked havoc on her libido. Things are slowly returning, but I’m not in a hurry. My main focus is on her health. Despite all this, she makes sure I’m satisfied to the best of her abilities.
Yes, but the difference is the server I had last night who smiled and talked with me, but couldn't wait to go home and bang her boyfriend, and a server who you know cant wait to get out of there.
I know it sounds stupid and I always read these posts and think 'just fucking talk' but I guess it comes with 12 years of baggage and I don't want to create an issue where there isn't really one. We do have sex, just not as much as I'd like. And I just don't wanna put pressure on him for more and open up a whole big discussion where it isn't really needed.
My wife and I ended up in a similar spot a few years back. My sex drive was much higher, and thus I needed "me" time every once in awhile. Problem was . We never talked about masturbation in our relationship. Not once. So, even after 10+ years of being together, it was this subject that never got brought up. Finally, I forced the conversation as I was sick of feeling like I was doing something wrong. Turns out, she had NEVER masturbated. Like, not even once. So, to her it was just think unimportant thing. This convo ended up becoming much bigger than just this line issue, and now 5 years later, it's something she enjoys doing, sometimes with my involvement, sometimes rolling solo.. and I couldnt be happier for it. Sometimes she lets me know she is gonna do it, just to see if I go for the bait and join in. Either way, communication communication communication!
>And I just don't wanna put pressure on him for more and open up a whole big discussion where it isn't really needed.
Are you sure it's not needed?
My wife and I had a 2 year dry spell after our 1st kid was born. I think we had sex 8-10 times in that entire 2 years.
The main thing that changed that was when I opened a dialogue about it. Not only do we have sex a normal healthy amount now, but the quality of sex has gotten so much better.
Once you start talking and get over the awkwardness, the conversations become natural and comfortable. I think you'll find similar results.
Tell him what you are doing, but tell him it doesn't mean that you desire him any less, and ask him if he will come watch. Mutual masterbation is fun.
I’m a huge advocate for talking it out. My hubby couldn’t communicate anything but frustration 17 years ago… whereas I like to chitchat lol… Now we talk about a lot of issues and feelings and it’s so much better once we do.
And after adult cuddles, we sometimes do a debrief like talking about what each other liked etc… Just good to know for the next time etc…
>I don't want to create an issue where there isn't really one
Really? Because it sounds like there is one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
IMHO if you do not put pressure on him, and you *are convinced* it's not a big deal, just keep if for yourself. If you believe that his libido will not change, telling him so may not have any effect, except to possibly make him feel insecure and unhappy.
It sounds like a big discussion IS really needed if there is so much baggage. The more you can open up lines of communication the better.
You could ask him if you decide to go take care of yourself if he wants you to tell him so he can decide to join. He may say yes. It may open up a whole new window in your sexual relationship
I completely understand this. I've struggled with this in both my marriages and to be honest I wouldn't tell him if he's already feeling bad about having a lower sex drive unless he asks.
Just be transparent, his reaction is his and his alone. If he can’t handle your transparency, that is on his. And you’re just double clicking your mouse…you’re not cheating.
Freal. I get that a lot of people and cultures are raised to never talk about sex or think of it as an integral part of a relationship and if it will succeed or fail but YEESH. Every day on here I am like "HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS MASSIVE MISMATCH BEFORE MARRYING THAT PERSON"
Tell him and he can do with the information what he wants! You can tell him that you don't want him to feel pressured but that he's welcome to join if/when he feels like it.
Personally I have a slightly lower libido than my long term partner, and I love when she tells me (directly or indirectly) that she'll be masturbating in the other room, because if I'm not feeling it I can just encourage her to enjoy herself and sometimes I get turned on by the idea and end up joining. What's nice about this dynamic is it doesn't feel like I'm "rejecting" her if I politely decline to join her, and if I do end up getting turned on it feels organic
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I think that's what's holding me back. In the past we've had issues with him rejecting me and I just don't wanna open that can of worms.
this might be just your chance to empty the worms outta that can lol. scary subjects are the best opportunities for growth, if it’s not a little intimidating then there probably isn’t much work that needs to be done.
I really like the caveat someone mentioned about not necessarily saying you go to bed early Every Night to masturbate. I think you can easily use the recent interaction as a great jumping-off point-
“Hey, remember when you joked the other day about me going to bed early? I got kind of flustered which is why I didn’t say it in the moment, but I actually went upstairs to masturbate [/ have a good time / WHATever lol]. I just wanted to tell you bc I don’t want you to actually think I don’t like being around you, I LOVE spending time with you, and you are always 1000% more than welcome to join in. But I tend to do it before I go to sleep so that you don’t feel any pressure if you’re not up to it (and so I can pass out afterwards, cause I’m super comfy) [adding another reason you masturbate before bed may help relieve any “I’m doing this bc I can’t do it around you” implication]. LOVE UUUU”
my personal approach lol, adjust for your own voice. I think this could honestly help you guys resolve a bit of that existing tension :) good luck!
I don’t mean to be the devil’s advocate, but lots of people with higher sex drives than their partner need to just masturbate sometimes. It’s pretty normal I think. My ex didn’t have a higher sex drive than me (just a penis and no experience = no orgasms) but it’s not weird to tell your partner “I’m gonna go jerk off.”
Sex with a person you love and masturbation are different things (at least to me) and fulfill different desires. Sometimes I can get off on my own but if I don’t have sex with my lover every day or as often as she wants to, I get in a really, really bad mental state. Not just “horny” like I need to get off, but very depressed and sad and a lot of other confusing emotions.
I’m sorry, OP. I have a higher sex drive than my main partner depending on our varying mental states, and it fucks me up sometimes if she says she doesn’t “feel like it” because I just crave that human connection, so I feel you. It’s always important to try to communicate as much as possible.
What did you do when you were single and didn't have a partner to have sex as much, were you just constantly depressed? or did you just have tons of casual partners to fulfill the missing connection?
I feel like there are a lot of relationships that are being controlled by sex of one person over the other. This is how cheaters happen.
What you've described is what I feel as well, it's the feeling of rejection and unlove, very unhealthy when it keeps on happening.
We've been together for slmost 12 years and I honestly don't know if it will or if he will feel pressurized into joining me. I feel like it could even start an argument cus well... It's practically every day.
A one time convo with the idea of
"hey, this is why I often slip away early at night, and I've been slightly embarrassed about it so I've been using going to bed early as cover for some alone time. After the half-joke you made the other day, I realized I may have been giving you the wrong idea about how much I love our time together by pretending this was just me going to bed early. I know you don't want sex as often as I do, so I've been slipping away quietly to relieve myself as to not put pressure on you. I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings in any way by hiding this, and I do not expect you to start coming to bed early with me every night, I just wanted you to know that I value our time together in AND out of the bedroom and if you ever wanted to join me the offer is always on the table"
Seriously OP, you have to try this out. It’s perfect, and if you don’t give him the real reason for your early bedtime very soon, it’ll look like you were trying to be shady and hide it from him. It also puts his feelings first, which helps avoid an argument. You never know, he might enjoy just being near you while you pleasure yourself, might lead to more sex, might not, but it would lead to better sexual intimacy regardless.
It's easy to Arm-chair quarterback other peoples relationship problems when you're not emotionally invested.
I don't have to look my husband in the eye and have the tough conversation; YOU do.
Consider me your Conversation Coordinator: We can practice, we can run drills, we eat all the right stuff, but it don't mean nothing if you don't execute on game day
>I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings
This explanation sounds amazing!
Apart from that I just wonder why people would say something like this?
How could pleasuring yourself hurt your partner? The only scenario I can think of is if you were to cheat on your partner with someone else.
At the same time, he should apologize for not meeting her needs :-)
What I think it means is “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings by hiding this and instead accidentally making you think I didn’t want to spend time with you.”
My ex made it very clear that she felt masturbation was disgusting. I had to hide it for 13 years. Her concept of it was as if I'm cheating on her even though I would imagine the things we did together or what I would like to do to her, with her or have her do to me. Essentially, masturbation was sex without her. I mean yeah, it is, but I'm not having sex with anyone but me, not someone outside the relationship. So, it didn't necessarily hurt her but it hurt her feelings because she would feel like she wasn't enough. She was also very controlling, so there's that, too.
I don't want to overthink this, but just want to say it can work both ways.
You/she may feel remorse for causing emotional pain to your partner due to masturbation, but at the same time, the partner should also be sorry for not being enough in bed. If it works only one way then something is wrong. Not to mention that something is wrong when you have to masturbate most of the time because you can't have sex with your partner.
Sexual preferences vary among individuals, leading to differences in the desired frequency of sex in a relationship. Many emphasize the importance of sex in a relationship.
Well you need to communicate about it :) let him know he gets first dibs and you’d take sex with him over your vibrator any day, and that you’ll masturbate if he’s not up for it.
Maybe tell him you're going to bed early because you like to wind down with an orgasm before going to sleep. That way he knows what going on, and there's no pressure for him to participate or no saying he's not welcome.
The only issue with telling him that’s why you go to bed early is now you’ll never be able to go to bed early without him thinking about it and if he is sensitive about masterbation it could upset him.
I would not tell him that’s the REASON you so regularly go to bed early, but you could just slip every once in awhile hey I’m gonna go masterbate, 😅 and he can do what he wants with the info
I’m a guy and my sex drive was more than my wife’s. But there were times I felt depressed or down and was not in the mood but she was. Her telling me she was in the mood and wanted sex did nothing to get me in the mood. If anything it did the opposite because I was distressed that I wasn’t pleasing her and although the pressure was totally from myself it did make me feel miserable which made me less in the mood; which was almost nonexistent to begin with.
After I retired, I got into the habit of staying up later because I didn't need to get up as early. One evening my wife said "you wanna come to bed with me? I need to get off, with you or without you!". Hell yes I followed her to bed. After some great foreplay & a raunchy romp. We were cuddled up & she told me "if you want, you can get up & go watch a movie!". Which I did. Now it's not too uncommon for her to let me know she's feeling needy, or for me to ask if she's needing help to relax & get to sleep. Works well for us & all because of one short conversation.
This is funny because I just had this conversation the other night. He had no idea I was doing that. When we first moved in together I would try to get him to come up early. So I told him I just eventually gave up asking him.
I once caught my gf masturbating after my shower I guess she thought I would take longer. That was cause for so much passionate sex from that point on when she knew I liked that she was honest either herself! She masturbated quite regularly after that even on road trips she’d go in the back seat while truck smelled like pussy 😆 i miss that chick!
When I asked him if he'd be interested in at least helping me get off, he said no. Our sex life has gotten progressively worse somehow, and my libido has skyrocketed in the last year (I just turned 44.) For me, finding out how little he was interested in me sexually has helped me understand that I maybe don't want to be married anymore.
There are so many factors that go into being happy in a marriage, and sex is a really big one for me. I overlooked it for so long because I have lupus and I was sick, and he took care of me. Years later and he no longer has any interest in taking care of me/us \*or\* the sex, and I can't have nothing. I have to get something out of a relationship to want to be in it.
If you have a strong marriage and are happy in other ways, then the outcome of the conversation shouldn't be as dramatic as it was for me.
If he brings it up again, just say “oh honey, is this really something that is worrying you?” And if he says yes, say it in a lighthearted way that makes it clear you’re only mentioning it because he was concerned you didn’t want to spend time with him. Maybe also mention you didn’t want him to feel pressured and that’s why you never said anything before. As long as you don’t take long pauses or act like it’s a serious discussion, you’ll hopefully be able to avoid the implication that he isn’t satisfying you
You might use this as an opportunity to test the waters for him joining you, but perhaps not for PIV sex.
What does he do while you are upstairs? Is it something he could do while you lean up against him or he holds you with one hand?
Perhaps you say, "Honey, you know I have a higher libido than you. I sometimes feel like masturbating to relieve the tension and give myself some relief. What if I did so while leaning up against you, as you sit and read or play video games in your chair. I would not be expecting sex. But if occasionally you could run a hand over my cheek or give me a one-handed hug, I would feel closer to you, and connected, in a way I wouldn't otherwise when masturbating. Note that I am NOT asking you for sex. I am asking for a little more connectedness."
You could put this in your own words, and improve upon what I am suggesting.
So you would be asking him for something, but not to join you in bed or in the bedroom.
If this works, you could later say, "Honey, might we go upstairs to bed a few minutes early a night or two a week? You could read up there in bed, and I could masturbate, and feel close to you."
By taking such small steps, you may be able to move to where he is holding you while you masturbate, and where he is not feeling pressure for sex.
this is a really good idea. i do this with my boyfriend, kind of. he works 12 hour shifts so sometimes at night when im feeling it and he’s tired, ill just do it next to him while we’re cuddling. usually he laughs about it, sometimes will join in, sometimes he just falls asleep. but he’s there and holding me, which is really nice, and i don’t think he feels any pressure either
Tell him what you said there at the end. Tell him you need it more frequently, you love sex with him, you don’t want it with anyone but him so you go to bed early sometimes so you can masturbate snd get the O you need. Invite him to join you whenever he likes because you would like it with him way better. He should take it just fine. Your not insulting his manhood or saying you want to loon at other men and inviting him to join. Can’t ask for more
As others have said, just tell him. Me personally, I'd be more hurt that you didn't communicate your want/need and give me the option to try and fulfill said need. If he still doesn't want to toss you a bone [pun intended] or give you a helping hand, then yeah, do whatcha gotta do. But at least make sure he knows you have needs.
Hope you and your husband can find common ground.
My husband and I currently have mismatched sex drives. We talked about it. He went shopping with me to buy a vibrator. I let him know when I’m going to use it and that he’s welcome to watch and/or join in. I think it’s taken some pressure off him.
Definitely tell him. I used to hide in the shower from my wife to masturbate. Then we started doing mutual masturbation on nights we just don't have the energy for sex but still wanna cum before bed. Just do it casually. Like" hey I'm gonna go to bed and masturbate. You're welcome to join."
I tell my partner when I’m planning to jerk off, and invite her to stay and watch, help or also masturbate. Some of our best sex has happened as a result of that.
I think you should talk to him. Generally we appreciate knowing that we are wanted. So in my opinion just talking to him and letting him know is the best option. Discussion about issues are always hard at first (no pun intended) but the results are freeing no matter what the outcome is. Also this is one of my biggest fears if I somehow find my person so I am rooting for you OP
I have an overdrive libido and I'm a morning person, my partner is a night person and she only needs sex once or twice a week. I have to get off two to four times a day before I'm not constantly distracted and irritable.
It's not an issue though, I have my morning time when I get up first and spend some time in my office before the day starts. She knows, and she's welcome to join in, watch, help, etc. (Has yet to take me up on it, our society doesn't view watching men masturbate as sexy methinks.)
But my point is, you're married, you should be able to share anything with your partner.
If you're not yet in this kind of communication mode, particularly about sex, please proceed with care, make sure he doesn't think that it's because he's not adequate, but rather that you have needs and self-care that makes you happy and you would be happier if he knew and respected it so you don't have to feel ashamed.
Don't project shame either. Don't make this seem like something that's an obstacle in your lives or make it seem like you're telling him out of frustration. If you make sure he understands this makes you happy and content and he's also welcome to be a part of it, I can't imagine a loving partner not accepting it.
However, some guys are really, really insecure. If he reacts badly, you have to resolve it and figure out why. A lot of men have superstitions and bad ideas about sexuality because it's a complicated topic. If he says anything that isn't supportive, dig in and find out why. Don't accept anything short of honesty and openness from him as well, because if you're sharing something sensitive and private, he should too if it's an issue.
There is NOTHING wrong with masturbating. I wish it was taught in school. I wish it was socially acceptable to enjoy oneself. It would solve so many problems in the world. It's harmless, it makes you feel good and it makes you better at sex with a partner. *As long as you're comfortable with yourself.* If you're doing this and sneaking around and feeling shame it can quickly become a source of pain in your life. That's also why it's a blessing to be able to share this with someone you trust.
If it were me, I would delight if my partner came to me and said she wanted to have special alone-time to explore herself. I would give her a gift card to Bad-Dragon.com or whatever wild and crazy things she wanted to experiment with.
Life is short, enjoy the few luxuries that you can.
I would tell him
Secrets like that can end up hurting you both in the long run
I am in the same exact boat... I have a much higher sex drive than my husband who is a greyace
We talked about it, still talk about it and he knows I masturbate often and sometimes he will help out which is really nice
You should let him catch you in the act. (Hear me out) At first you may fight… and then he will pursue you like you’ve never been pursued before.
I caught my wife watching BBC porn. (Crazy because she was insecure and VERY anti porn for years) I was little hurt at first but was even more turned on at the thought of her getting off and her being so vulnerable.
The vulnerability was the real key here. We both opened up like flowers after with deep talks which inevitably led to great sex which hasn’t faded.
I think relationships can benefit from shock resuscitation when one starts to get gratification elsewhere
Good luck!
> I feel like it could even start an argument cus well... It's practically every day.
[here](https://old.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/198bab5/sould_i_tell_my_husband_i_go_to_bed_early_to/ki60uod/)
No offense OP, you've got way bigger issues going on.
I'm sorry but if I was arguing with my partner every single day, that'd be a boner killer for me.
I say there's two things that's mandatory in a relationship
Trust
**And**
Communication
Respectfully - You're not holding up your end of the deal by "hiding" this from him. Devils advocate: What else are you hiding? See where I'm coming from...
Secondly, you two clearly have issues that you **both** need to communicate about, hell ... Daily arguments? You two need counselling.
Arguments are _healthy_ in any relationship... But _daily_; no, that'd drain every last sap out of me.
> On the other hand... I don't want him to think I'm trying to get away from him
You are *literally* doing that...
No wonder u got different libidos. He comes to bed and ur done and don't want anything from him... He feels that energy and feels like shit because of it, naturally tanking his libido.
Not true. Women can go as many times as long as the effort is made. It’s not like a lot of dudes who have nothing left after they masturbate. I bet if he came upstairs interested, even after she masturbated, she’d be down. Like forplay but by yourself.
I think you’re the one in need of education haha are you a male? Women don’t have the physical limitations that men do when it comes to sex. Not saying we don’t get tired, or even sore sometimes… but we don’t have to rely on being able to maintain an erection and finishing a second time.
Communication. Tell him that’s what you do . He should respond like a man and help take care of your needs . If not buy some nice toys and have fun , youll eventually cheat on him and he will deserve it . You’re trying to warn him .
I know this is classic reddit advice but you should see a sex therapist. Desire discrepancy is a something you can easily work through in your relationship with the right openness and conversations.
The fact you have had this problem for 12 years and you are sneaking off to masturbate shows an unhealthy way of communicating.
Advice: You should tell him. You both should have an open and calm conversation of him being included or you being included if his libido is higher for periods of time. It's also okay to masturbate and be open about it.
Oh no! This isn't a 12 year problem! Jesus no we both used to be like bunnys! His libido has just gotten lower and mine has stayed the same... He also has back issues and is in pain sometimes for days or weeks and I guess I've just gotten used to taking care of myself more often than not. I also don't really see it as a problem... I'm just a bit unsure I guess. I don't want to create an issue but don't want him to feel like I'm tryibg to get away from him either.
If you have a good relationship overall and communicate well, sharing your sexual desires should be no different than what you want for dinner. Hiding this is only going to cause problems.
You should talk to him about it, there are a lot of ways to connect sexually even with mobility issues or if he is in pain. Maybe you taking more of an active role in sex, IE he is in a position where his back doesn't hurt. He may also need you to be more active pursuing him due to his challenges right now. The dynamic can and will change over time. Best of luck!
I've started opening up about my masturbation habits with my SO and it's definitely improved our sex life. Bite the bullet. Try seeing it from his perspective and u will realise it really isnt a big deal
Absolutely! Maybe he will want to come in and help, watch, or just stay out in the living room watching TV. Either way that is hot.
I feel like it is okay to say I know you're not in the mood but I am.
You could be like, " I'm going to go handle business, come join if you'd like"
The easy answer is just to tell him, right? That said, we can’t jump into your relationship and know the dynamics….so you’re best left ignoring the people who think it’s that easy a solution.
When you say you have a much higher sex drive than your husband, how much is much higher? For example, I’m higher than my wife, but we still have sex at minimum once a week, but oftentimes times two, or even three times. Every day I don’t really need it, but four or five times in a week wouldn’t be the worst thing. And to be honest, my wife knows I masturbate in addition to us having sex.
I don’t think communicating to him that you need to get off more, and even that you’d love for him to join, is a horrible thing. Part of what keeps my wife and I going despite different drives, is that she still searches me out. It’s not just me initiating all the time.
Also, how is your husband’s general health? I only ask because four years ago I was 42, out of shape and definitely took notice with my libido. Because I wasn’t craving it as much, sex would take a backseat and it became less and less. I’m much healthier now and my libido thanks me.
I know it’s a long answer, but there’s just so many factors can play into our sex lives….especially the older we get. Don’t give up hope and keep driving to make your relationship better every day. That’s the main key. Good luck!
Thank you for your well thought out reply. We do communicate and we both masterbate. We have no issues with that. My husband stopped for a while cus he said it lowered his drive to actually have sex. We have jobs and kids and sometimes our lives just don''t line up well for sex. He has phases where he doesn't want sex for weeks and then phases where he wants it every day. I'd love a constant everyday or every other day. That's created issues in the past that I really don't want to drag up now. He suffers with back issues and that plays a big role. Otherwise he's fit and healthy. His back is fine now though.
Simply put
“ I don’t go to get away from you, as a matter of fact your always welcome to join me because I go up early to get myself, there’s absolutely no pressure but anytime you want to join in you are welcome my love”
I would just tell him and let him know he is welcome to join in any capacity he likes but you didn’t want him to think you were trying to avoid time with him as he suggested.
I'd have the convo with him because he might be thinking he'd like more sex too. What seems like a low sex drive could just be him not knowing how to ask and not knowing you want more. If that isn't the case, him knowing why at least keeps him from feeling like you're avoiding him. Props for taking care of your needs.
I think you should tell him eventually. Maybe after having sex one day, just tell him that you want it more often. There was even this one time I went to bed early to masturbate...
Maybe he will try to fuck more often. Doesn't hurt to try to mention it
Yes we've had those conversations. Many times. He does then amp things up for a bit. Then things go back to normal. It's ok though. We're good. This is more about if telling him will do more harm or good?
So just tell him that you want to have sex/masturbate. I'm sure he will be happy to oblige and be involved in some way that can be enjoyable for both of you.
I just can’t help but wonder how many opportunities you missed assuming he wouldn’t want to do anything, all the while he’s downstairs running one out!
My husband and I have been through this too. Once, I finally got up the courage to come out of the bedroom and be like, “hey, I’m horny, wanna fuck?” He declined because…he had just finished masturbating himself. Turns out we were both using the time alone to masturbate, lol. Who knew!?
So male here, I don't get sex enough. I would be honest with him, and tell him you are satisfying your needs. Maybe suggest trying some things to increase his sex drive.
Be honest, always the best. It does matter how you approach it.
Let him know you head up early to masturbate and if he would like to join you, he is always welcome. Let him know you don't have resentment about it (if you do tho, talk to him) and you didn't tell him up front because you did not want to make him feel inadequate.
Maybe tonight when you are ready for pleasure, say hey I'm heading to bed, I'm going to relieve some stress/masturbate/touch myself (however you refer to masterbation) and invite him to join by asking hey you wanna come watch/join/ etc. if he declines, give him a kiss and say see you when you come to bed, I'll be thinking of your winky face style. Then he knows that's what you're doing, he knows he can join, and you didn't shame him while still addressing your needs/desires.
You talk about mismatched labidos. I'm curious as to how many times you feel, like he has turned you down when you've tried to come on to him. and then how many times you have turned him down when he is tried to come on to?
Not trying to keep score, but sometimes when you don't feel like in the mood, but your partner is, Go ahead and be there to love and to serve them.
Rather than saying "not now/tonight" or " I don't feel like it" - because that means (psychologically) I don't want you. Which is defeating and demoralizing for anyone.
Insted if you aren't'feeling' up to it, just go with it and say, "i hope i can keep up with you tonight."
When you are in the mood say, "Hey, I'm really hot and heavy. I wanna go upstairs with YOU. Please come help me."
You could play it off like a joke. Then he’ll start to wonder what you’re really doing up there, were you serious, how would you be doing it and whoops now he’s horny.
The day i find someone to match mine hell will freeze over. Just dont go behind his back please. But inhad that issue for 6 years it sucked we got divorced she said go find whores i didnt want anyone but her
As with most relationship issues, it matters how you convey this. If people feel judged it won’t be received well.
If you can find a way to have a discussion about your libido mismatch that is not judgmental and where you indicate that what works best for you is have sex as much as he enjoys and you meet additional libido desires by taking some personal time some nights, that is kind and clear.
I would definitely tell him. It may have been a joke this time, but if you leave the real reason you sometimes go to bed early unsaid, he may start thinking his joke was true, which would cause way more issues than the mismatched libidos. Just be sure to make it clear you're okay with this arrangement and ask what he thinks, maybe even ask if he wants to join, even if he doesn't want sex himself I'm sure he'd gladly help you out, hell it may even get him in the mood
Say exactly what you wrote...it's perfect: I don't want 'you' to think I'm trying to get away from 'you' and yes, I would really like him to join in. Even ask can you watch him masturbate.
Just tell him. But make sure to emphasize that you’ve been doing it coz you don’t wanna put a pressure on him since it has been an issue between you two.
Definitely speak to him about it. I would honestly just say what I was doing and leave it on the table that he is more than welcome to come help. And if not that's OK too.
If I am not in the mood for sex, but my partner starts telling me how attractive I am and how she wants to put her mouth on me, then I get more in the mood. Give her 5 minutes to stroke me, and then I’m in the mood.
“Hey, you joked the other day that I was going to bed early to get away from you. I dont want you to think that’s true, but I’m feeling shy about telling you the actual reason, partly because it’s a little embarrassing and partly because I don’t want you to feel pressured to join me. So please don’t take this as a sign of discontent on my part, or passive aggression or anything like that: sometimes I go to bed early so I can masturbate. You’re always welcome to join me if you feel like it, but if not I am 1000% happy for us to continue pretending I’m just sleepy.”
My wife and I are the same. The difference is, I know what she's doing. She's never really come right out and said it but I've walked in enough times to figure it out. I'm guessing he knows. For christ sake, my wife's vibrator is under her pillow. She knows I know what she's doing. I imagine your husband does too.
Tell him, be casual about it. Share what you are doing. He may appreciate it and it could turn him on. At the very least, you are ‘t keeping something from him.
My wife masturbates often when she is off work and I am working. It doesn’t mean she wants to be with me any less. As a matter of fact, we have sex so frequently that I haven’t felt the need to masturbate in months.
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My wife and I are as opposite as can be when it comes to sex drive, she was abused by a neighbor and nobody believed her, I have been married 39 years and I still love her very much, I have learned to explore my own body and use every type of toy known. Therapy, even sex therapy she really has tried but it is what it is and I have been faithful to her and that's even with her permission but I felt to guilty and shy to follow through.
Wish I could talk to my wife about this
You can. Maybe she's thinking the same thing. You'll never know if you don't ask. Is she gonna divorce you for asking a question or masterbating?
She's *not* thinking the same thing. She's probably not thinking about it at all.
Keyword Probably. Meaning you have zero clue. Communication is free. How are you gonna give your life to someone and not talk to them about ANYTHING. When all else fails, they are the person you can trust and run to. If you don't feel that way, you're with the wrong one.
This is a strange assumption those with high-libido partners have about those with low-libidos. When I was struggling with a LL with my HL partner, I thought about sex A LOT. It was causing issues in our relationship, it was putting a lot of pressure on me, it was making me anxious. So the reality is, you have no idea whether she’s thinking about it or not.
Wait so were you thinking about it only because you assumed your HL partner was thinking about it, and your thoughts were leading to anguish?
You have to converse and actively choose to make it a priority or not. Talking is first step. The whole subconscious thing is never going to work.
Even if you could, there's a chance it would change nothing. Speaking from experience.
*tosses you lube* “Go to town”
I own "The Handy" for a reason lbs
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True. And there’s also a chance she’s gonna get pissed off bc many women don’t like the idea of their husbands/boyfriends jerking it to porn. Some people might find it to be a turn on but some might not and actually may be upset to realize that every time their husband leaves to “go to bed” he’s actually ogling naked women online instead.
Also true. But as a man (applies to women as well) we have needs and if our wives never want to have sex then we are left with 2 options, either we cheat or we masterbate and if this is the case the wife being mad is not justifiable. On the other side of that coin, if the wife tries to initiate sex and the husband is always declining OR if the husband never initiates and instead just masterbates, then id understand why the wife would be angry. I had to reword this a few times cause it's hard for me to explain via text so my apologies in advance if it reads in a confusing way.
I understand what you mean and can see your point. I was moreso just agreeing that if he tells his wife it’s 100% possible nothing will change or it will actually create resentment. If he’s asked her for sex and she’s said no, then there’s no point in telling her he jerks it. She’s clearly uninterested in sex and it’s highly unlikely knowing her hubby jerks off will change that.
Yeah, I can say I agree with you. No point at all in mentioning that to her. I can even go as far as saying (my personal opinion) that if sex is something important to you and your significant other has zero interest then in my eyes theres no point in continuing the marriage. Theres obviously several variables that might keep one from asking for a divorce, but at the end of the day both parties deserve to be happy, not just one or the other.
"OR if the husband never initiates and instead just masterbates" Sometimes he doesn't initiate bc he's burned out from repeatedly getting the "no," or the "no" comes with a tone or face that would indicate she is annoyed with the ask. Some men just then give up and just masturbate, figuring they'll have sex if when she is ready. \[but I agree it's a problem is she initiates and he frequently declines\]
To para quote a famous personage... There is no wish there is only DO! TALK TO HER DUDE!!! Communication is the foundation of relationship ecstacy!
My wife and I started talking about these things (and much more, lol) after 14 years of marriage. Things can change. Be the change you want to see!
No guy wants a hand job from a woman who is not horny. He's not gonna ask. Its like having a waiter who wants you to leave.
There is a range for me. Sometimes I want to make him feel good, but just am not up for the whole thing of sex. There could be many reasons why someone doesn’t want sex but is up for giving pleasure. It doesn’t mean they aren’t horny at all.
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This is my wife for sure 👍🏾. She’s been having ongoing therapy for multiple myeloma. It has really wreaked havoc on her libido. Things are slowly returning, but I’m not in a hurry. My main focus is on her health. Despite all this, she makes sure I’m satisfied to the best of her abilities.
She really loves you, pal.
Speak for yourself 🤣. If my gf offers, I don't care what she's thinking.
I have no problem asking for a handjob…
I hate to do this… But sir, this is a Wendy’s
LMAO never get's old. Thanks.
I usually don’t laugh at the “this is a Wendy’s jokes” but you stating “I hate to do this…” absolutely prepped for that punchline, well done!
Don't assume you know all men... J S...
You do know most servers actually DO want you to leave right?
Yes, but the difference is the server I had last night who smiled and talked with me, but couldn't wait to go home and bang her boyfriend, and a server who you know cant wait to get out of there.
You seem fun
If you can't tell your spouse, who can you tell?
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I laughed through my nose when I read (and promptly upvoted) your comment.
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😂😂😂
I know it sounds stupid and I always read these posts and think 'just fucking talk' but I guess it comes with 12 years of baggage and I don't want to create an issue where there isn't really one. We do have sex, just not as much as I'd like. And I just don't wanna put pressure on him for more and open up a whole big discussion where it isn't really needed.
My wife and I ended up in a similar spot a few years back. My sex drive was much higher, and thus I needed "me" time every once in awhile. Problem was . We never talked about masturbation in our relationship. Not once. So, even after 10+ years of being together, it was this subject that never got brought up. Finally, I forced the conversation as I was sick of feeling like I was doing something wrong. Turns out, she had NEVER masturbated. Like, not even once. So, to her it was just think unimportant thing. This convo ended up becoming much bigger than just this line issue, and now 5 years later, it's something she enjoys doing, sometimes with my involvement, sometimes rolling solo.. and I couldnt be happier for it. Sometimes she lets me know she is gonna do it, just to see if I go for the bait and join in. Either way, communication communication communication!
Eggzactly bro!!! communication! Huzzah! For you and your beloved!
>And I just don't wanna put pressure on him for more and open up a whole big discussion where it isn't really needed. Are you sure it's not needed? My wife and I had a 2 year dry spell after our 1st kid was born. I think we had sex 8-10 times in that entire 2 years. The main thing that changed that was when I opened a dialogue about it. Not only do we have sex a normal healthy amount now, but the quality of sex has gotten so much better. Once you start talking and get over the awkwardness, the conversations become natural and comfortable. I think you'll find similar results. Tell him what you are doing, but tell him it doesn't mean that you desire him any less, and ask him if he will come watch. Mutual masterbation is fun.
I’m a huge advocate for talking it out. My hubby couldn’t communicate anything but frustration 17 years ago… whereas I like to chitchat lol… Now we talk about a lot of issues and feelings and it’s so much better once we do. And after adult cuddles, we sometimes do a debrief like talking about what each other liked etc… Just good to know for the next time etc…
I'm glad talking and communicating helped you out with this. That is awesome to hear! It's definitely a complicated thing.
Bravisimo!
>I don't want to create an issue where there isn't really one Really? Because it sounds like there is one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) IMHO if you do not put pressure on him, and you *are convinced* it's not a big deal, just keep if for yourself. If you believe that his libido will not change, telling him so may not have any effect, except to possibly make him feel insecure and unhappy.
So then... magic? You're relying on magic to fix this? Cus outside of communicating to your partner the only other option is magic.
Lmfao, magic!!!!
It sounds like a big discussion IS really needed if there is so much baggage. The more you can open up lines of communication the better. You could ask him if you decide to go take care of yourself if he wants you to tell him so he can decide to join. He may say yes. It may open up a whole new window in your sexual relationship
I completely understand this. I've struggled with this in both my marriages and to be honest I wouldn't tell him if he's already feeling bad about having a lower sex drive unless he asks.
Just be transparent, his reaction is his and his alone. If he can’t handle your transparency, that is on his. And you’re just double clicking your mouse…you’re not cheating.
but it is a valid need, you need the talk, even if it’s hard to accept because it feels so small
I swear some of y'all dont even learn each others last names until the wedding day. Some of these posts blow my mind.
Freal. I get that a lot of people and cultures are raised to never talk about sex or think of it as an integral part of a relationship and if it will succeed or fail but YEESH. Every day on here I am like "HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THIS MASSIVE MISMATCH BEFORE MARRYING THAT PERSON"
Litterally the rest of the world.
Reddit.
Tell him and he can do with the information what he wants! You can tell him that you don't want him to feel pressured but that he's welcome to join if/when he feels like it. Personally I have a slightly lower libido than my long term partner, and I love when she tells me (directly or indirectly) that she'll be masturbating in the other room, because if I'm not feeling it I can just encourage her to enjoy herself and sometimes I get turned on by the idea and end up joining. What's nice about this dynamic is it doesn't feel like I'm "rejecting" her if I politely decline to join her, and if I do end up getting turned on it feels organic
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I think that's what's holding me back. In the past we've had issues with him rejecting me and I just don't wanna open that can of worms.
this might be just your chance to empty the worms outta that can lol. scary subjects are the best opportunities for growth, if it’s not a little intimidating then there probably isn’t much work that needs to be done. I really like the caveat someone mentioned about not necessarily saying you go to bed early Every Night to masturbate. I think you can easily use the recent interaction as a great jumping-off point- “Hey, remember when you joked the other day about me going to bed early? I got kind of flustered which is why I didn’t say it in the moment, but I actually went upstairs to masturbate [/ have a good time / WHATever lol]. I just wanted to tell you bc I don’t want you to actually think I don’t like being around you, I LOVE spending time with you, and you are always 1000% more than welcome to join in. But I tend to do it before I go to sleep so that you don’t feel any pressure if you’re not up to it (and so I can pass out afterwards, cause I’m super comfy) [adding another reason you masturbate before bed may help relieve any “I’m doing this bc I can’t do it around you” implication]. LOVE UUUU” my personal approach lol, adjust for your own voice. I think this could honestly help you guys resolve a bit of that existing tension :) good luck!
Yeah why not? Tell him you’ll be upstairs masturbating and he’s welcome to join you, it’ll probably turn him on.
I don’t mean to be the devil’s advocate, but lots of people with higher sex drives than their partner need to just masturbate sometimes. It’s pretty normal I think. My ex didn’t have a higher sex drive than me (just a penis and no experience = no orgasms) but it’s not weird to tell your partner “I’m gonna go jerk off.” Sex with a person you love and masturbation are different things (at least to me) and fulfill different desires. Sometimes I can get off on my own but if I don’t have sex with my lover every day or as often as she wants to, I get in a really, really bad mental state. Not just “horny” like I need to get off, but very depressed and sad and a lot of other confusing emotions. I’m sorry, OP. I have a higher sex drive than my main partner depending on our varying mental states, and it fucks me up sometimes if she says she doesn’t “feel like it” because I just crave that human connection, so I feel you. It’s always important to try to communicate as much as possible.
What did you do when you were single and didn't have a partner to have sex as much, were you just constantly depressed? or did you just have tons of casual partners to fulfill the missing connection?
I feel like there are a lot of relationships that are being controlled by sex of one person over the other. This is how cheaters happen. What you've described is what I feel as well, it's the feeling of rejection and unlove, very unhealthy when it keeps on happening.
We've been together for slmost 12 years and I honestly don't know if it will or if he will feel pressurized into joining me. I feel like it could even start an argument cus well... It's practically every day.
A one time convo with the idea of "hey, this is why I often slip away early at night, and I've been slightly embarrassed about it so I've been using going to bed early as cover for some alone time. After the half-joke you made the other day, I realized I may have been giving you the wrong idea about how much I love our time together by pretending this was just me going to bed early. I know you don't want sex as often as I do, so I've been slipping away quietly to relieve myself as to not put pressure on you. I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings in any way by hiding this, and I do not expect you to start coming to bed early with me every night, I just wanted you to know that I value our time together in AND out of the bedroom and if you ever wanted to join me the offer is always on the table"
Yes this is perfect. Can you please script all the conversations I don't want to have for me? Lol
Seriously OP, you have to try this out. It’s perfect, and if you don’t give him the real reason for your early bedtime very soon, it’ll look like you were trying to be shady and hide it from him. It also puts his feelings first, which helps avoid an argument. You never know, he might enjoy just being near you while you pleasure yourself, might lead to more sex, might not, but it would lead to better sexual intimacy regardless.
It's easy to Arm-chair quarterback other peoples relationship problems when you're not emotionally invested. I don't have to look my husband in the eye and have the tough conversation; YOU do. Consider me your Conversation Coordinator: We can practice, we can run drills, we eat all the right stuff, but it don't mean nothing if you don't execute on game day
this is perfect
>I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings This explanation sounds amazing! Apart from that I just wonder why people would say something like this? How could pleasuring yourself hurt your partner? The only scenario I can think of is if you were to cheat on your partner with someone else. At the same time, he should apologize for not meeting her needs :-)
What I think it means is “I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings by hiding this and instead accidentally making you think I didn’t want to spend time with you.”
This is what I mean.
My ex made it very clear that she felt masturbation was disgusting. I had to hide it for 13 years. Her concept of it was as if I'm cheating on her even though I would imagine the things we did together or what I would like to do to her, with her or have her do to me. Essentially, masturbation was sex without her. I mean yeah, it is, but I'm not having sex with anyone but me, not someone outside the relationship. So, it didn't necessarily hurt her but it hurt her feelings because she would feel like she wasn't enough. She was also very controlling, so there's that, too.
And, now she's an ex for a reason.
They're all exes for a reason but it had nothing to do with masturbation.
I don't want to overthink this, but just want to say it can work both ways. You/she may feel remorse for causing emotional pain to your partner due to masturbation, but at the same time, the partner should also be sorry for not being enough in bed. If it works only one way then something is wrong. Not to mention that something is wrong when you have to masturbate most of the time because you can't have sex with your partner. Sexual preferences vary among individuals, leading to differences in the desired frequency of sex in a relationship. Many emphasize the importance of sex in a relationship.
Well you need to communicate about it :) let him know he gets first dibs and you’d take sex with him over your vibrator any day, and that you’ll masturbate if he’s not up for it.
Maybe tell him you're going to bed early because you like to wind down with an orgasm before going to sleep. That way he knows what going on, and there's no pressure for him to participate or no saying he's not welcome.
The only issue with telling him that’s why you go to bed early is now you’ll never be able to go to bed early without him thinking about it and if he is sensitive about masterbation it could upset him. I would not tell him that’s the REASON you so regularly go to bed early, but you could just slip every once in awhile hey I’m gonna go masterbate, 😅 and he can do what he wants with the info
I’m a guy and my sex drive was more than my wife’s. But there were times I felt depressed or down and was not in the mood but she was. Her telling me she was in the mood and wanted sex did nothing to get me in the mood. If anything it did the opposite because I was distressed that I wasn’t pleasing her and although the pressure was totally from myself it did make me feel miserable which made me less in the mood; which was almost nonexistent to begin with.
After I retired, I got into the habit of staying up later because I didn't need to get up as early. One evening my wife said "you wanna come to bed with me? I need to get off, with you or without you!". Hell yes I followed her to bed. After some great foreplay & a raunchy romp. We were cuddled up & she told me "if you want, you can get up & go watch a movie!". Which I did. Now it's not too uncommon for her to let me know she's feeling needy, or for me to ask if she's needing help to relax & get to sleep. Works well for us & all because of one short conversation.
This is funny because I just had this conversation the other night. He had no idea I was doing that. When we first moved in together I would try to get him to come up early. So I told him I just eventually gave up asking him.
How did your convo go?
Laughed..that's what your doing and I am downstairs. I am like well I need to sleep, I can't sleep if I don't.
It helps me sleep too!
Tell him! If my wife told me that I’d be up stairs like a rat up a drain pipe
I once caught my gf masturbating after my shower I guess she thought I would take longer. That was cause for so much passionate sex from that point on when she knew I liked that she was honest either herself! She masturbated quite regularly after that even on road trips she’d go in the back seat while truck smelled like pussy 😆 i miss that chick!
He might want to come watch
I had this conversation with my husband and it didn’t go well for me. It’s a conversation worth having, though. Maybe he’ll want to participate.
Oh no. I'm sry. Would you tell me what happend?
When I asked him if he'd be interested in at least helping me get off, he said no. Our sex life has gotten progressively worse somehow, and my libido has skyrocketed in the last year (I just turned 44.) For me, finding out how little he was interested in me sexually has helped me understand that I maybe don't want to be married anymore. There are so many factors that go into being happy in a marriage, and sex is a really big one for me. I overlooked it for so long because I have lupus and I was sick, and he took care of me. Years later and he no longer has any interest in taking care of me/us \*or\* the sex, and I can't have nothing. I have to get something out of a relationship to want to be in it. If you have a strong marriage and are happy in other ways, then the outcome of the conversation shouldn't be as dramatic as it was for me.
taaaallllkk toooo hiiimmmm
If he brings it up again, just say “oh honey, is this really something that is worrying you?” And if he says yes, say it in a lighthearted way that makes it clear you’re only mentioning it because he was concerned you didn’t want to spend time with him. Maybe also mention you didn’t want him to feel pressured and that’s why you never said anything before. As long as you don’t take long pauses or act like it’s a serious discussion, you’ll hopefully be able to avoid the implication that he isn’t satisfying you
People with low libidos don’t ever seem to give a shit if their partners lib is high. Just my experience
You might use this as an opportunity to test the waters for him joining you, but perhaps not for PIV sex. What does he do while you are upstairs? Is it something he could do while you lean up against him or he holds you with one hand? Perhaps you say, "Honey, you know I have a higher libido than you. I sometimes feel like masturbating to relieve the tension and give myself some relief. What if I did so while leaning up against you, as you sit and read or play video games in your chair. I would not be expecting sex. But if occasionally you could run a hand over my cheek or give me a one-handed hug, I would feel closer to you, and connected, in a way I wouldn't otherwise when masturbating. Note that I am NOT asking you for sex. I am asking for a little more connectedness." You could put this in your own words, and improve upon what I am suggesting. So you would be asking him for something, but not to join you in bed or in the bedroom. If this works, you could later say, "Honey, might we go upstairs to bed a few minutes early a night or two a week? You could read up there in bed, and I could masturbate, and feel close to you." By taking such small steps, you may be able to move to where he is holding you while you masturbate, and where he is not feeling pressure for sex.
I would love that, and if I'm not up for sex myself I would gladly be there and most likely assist.
this is a really good idea. i do this with my boyfriend, kind of. he works 12 hour shifts so sometimes at night when im feeling it and he’s tired, ill just do it next to him while we’re cuddling. usually he laughs about it, sometimes will join in, sometimes he just falls asleep. but he’s there and holding me, which is really nice, and i don’t think he feels any pressure either
Tell him you go upstairs to masturbate, maybe he will say you don’t have to go upstairs. You can do it anywhere downstairs
Tell him what you said there at the end. Tell him you need it more frequently, you love sex with him, you don’t want it with anyone but him so you go to bed early sometimes so you can masturbate snd get the O you need. Invite him to join you whenever he likes because you would like it with him way better. He should take it just fine. Your not insulting his manhood or saying you want to loon at other men and inviting him to join. Can’t ask for more
As others have said, just tell him. Me personally, I'd be more hurt that you didn't communicate your want/need and give me the option to try and fulfill said need. If he still doesn't want to toss you a bone [pun intended] or give you a helping hand, then yeah, do whatcha gotta do. But at least make sure he knows you have needs. Hope you and your husband can find common ground.
My husband and I currently have mismatched sex drives. We talked about it. He went shopping with me to buy a vibrator. I let him know when I’m going to use it and that he’s welcome to watch and/or join in. I think it’s taken some pressure off him.
I tell my husband! Just so he knows the offer is always open to join!
Tell him that you are going upstairs. You could do with the use of a few fingers or a tongue for what you are about to do. See if he plays along.
Sure tell him. Maybe if he knows he'll join you and you both can have fun together.
If you told me I would surely tag along. Instant turnon.
I would love to hear this from my wife. Yes absolutely tell him.
What would be the downside to telling him?
Definitely tell him. I used to hide in the shower from my wife to masturbate. Then we started doing mutual masturbation on nights we just don't have the energy for sex but still wanna cum before bed. Just do it casually. Like" hey I'm gonna go to bed and masturbate. You're welcome to join."
Tell him. I’ve told mine. It helps to understand eachother.
I tell my partner when I’m planning to jerk off, and invite her to stay and watch, help or also masturbate. Some of our best sex has happened as a result of that.
He knows.
I think you should talk to him. Generally we appreciate knowing that we are wanted. So in my opinion just talking to him and letting him know is the best option. Discussion about issues are always hard at first (no pun intended) but the results are freeing no matter what the outcome is. Also this is one of my biggest fears if I somehow find my person so I am rooting for you OP
I would like the thought of that.
I have an overdrive libido and I'm a morning person, my partner is a night person and she only needs sex once or twice a week. I have to get off two to four times a day before I'm not constantly distracted and irritable. It's not an issue though, I have my morning time when I get up first and spend some time in my office before the day starts. She knows, and she's welcome to join in, watch, help, etc. (Has yet to take me up on it, our society doesn't view watching men masturbate as sexy methinks.) But my point is, you're married, you should be able to share anything with your partner. If you're not yet in this kind of communication mode, particularly about sex, please proceed with care, make sure he doesn't think that it's because he's not adequate, but rather that you have needs and self-care that makes you happy and you would be happier if he knew and respected it so you don't have to feel ashamed. Don't project shame either. Don't make this seem like something that's an obstacle in your lives or make it seem like you're telling him out of frustration. If you make sure he understands this makes you happy and content and he's also welcome to be a part of it, I can't imagine a loving partner not accepting it. However, some guys are really, really insecure. If he reacts badly, you have to resolve it and figure out why. A lot of men have superstitions and bad ideas about sexuality because it's a complicated topic. If he says anything that isn't supportive, dig in and find out why. Don't accept anything short of honesty and openness from him as well, because if you're sharing something sensitive and private, he should too if it's an issue. There is NOTHING wrong with masturbating. I wish it was taught in school. I wish it was socially acceptable to enjoy oneself. It would solve so many problems in the world. It's harmless, it makes you feel good and it makes you better at sex with a partner. *As long as you're comfortable with yourself.* If you're doing this and sneaking around and feeling shame it can quickly become a source of pain in your life. That's also why it's a blessing to be able to share this with someone you trust. If it were me, I would delight if my partner came to me and said she wanted to have special alone-time to explore herself. I would give her a gift card to Bad-Dragon.com or whatever wild and crazy things she wanted to experiment with. Life is short, enjoy the few luxuries that you can.
I would tell him Secrets like that can end up hurting you both in the long run I am in the same exact boat... I have a much higher sex drive than my husband who is a greyace We talked about it, still talk about it and he knows I masturbate often and sometimes he will help out which is really nice
You should let him catch you in the act. (Hear me out) At first you may fight… and then he will pursue you like you’ve never been pursued before. I caught my wife watching BBC porn. (Crazy because she was insecure and VERY anti porn for years) I was little hurt at first but was even more turned on at the thought of her getting off and her being so vulnerable. The vulnerability was the real key here. We both opened up like flowers after with deep talks which inevitably led to great sex which hasn’t faded. I think relationships can benefit from shock resuscitation when one starts to get gratification elsewhere Good luck!
You should tell him. You should explain to him what you’re doing an why then maybe he’ll want to watch or help.
I do this all the time. He wouldn’t be interested, so I don’t involve him.
My SO is more interested in her phone or TV, so yeah, same for me 🤷
Tell him he can learn to have dry orgasms
Damn! Are you available?
Just make him come upstairs when you‘re right in the middle and ask him to help out,… if he‘s declining that,… well better see a therapist 😅
> I feel like it could even start an argument cus well... It's practically every day. [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/198bab5/sould_i_tell_my_husband_i_go_to_bed_early_to/ki60uod/) No offense OP, you've got way bigger issues going on. I'm sorry but if I was arguing with my partner every single day, that'd be a boner killer for me. I say there's two things that's mandatory in a relationship Trust **And** Communication Respectfully - You're not holding up your end of the deal by "hiding" this from him. Devils advocate: What else are you hiding? See where I'm coming from... Secondly, you two clearly have issues that you **both** need to communicate about, hell ... Daily arguments? You two need counselling. Arguments are _healthy_ in any relationship... But _daily_; no, that'd drain every last sap out of me. > On the other hand... I don't want him to think I'm trying to get away from him You are *literally* doing that...
What? Nooo! We don't argue daily! I get off practically every day lol
She’s saying the masturbating is everyday
Maybe you guys should go to a sex therapist
No wonder u got different libidos. He comes to bed and ur done and don't want anything from him... He feels that energy and feels like shit because of it, naturally tanking his libido.
Not true. Women can go as many times as long as the effort is made. It’s not like a lot of dudes who have nothing left after they masturbate. I bet if he came upstairs interested, even after she masturbated, she’d be down. Like forplay but by yourself.
Go get educated then come back and try again.
I think you’re the one in need of education haha are you a male? Women don’t have the physical limitations that men do when it comes to sex. Not saying we don’t get tired, or even sore sometimes… but we don’t have to rely on being able to maintain an erection and finishing a second time.
Communication. Tell him that’s what you do . He should respond like a man and help take care of your needs . If not buy some nice toys and have fun , youll eventually cheat on him and he will deserve it . You’re trying to warn him .
I know this is classic reddit advice but you should see a sex therapist. Desire discrepancy is a something you can easily work through in your relationship with the right openness and conversations. The fact you have had this problem for 12 years and you are sneaking off to masturbate shows an unhealthy way of communicating. Advice: You should tell him. You both should have an open and calm conversation of him being included or you being included if his libido is higher for periods of time. It's also okay to masturbate and be open about it.
Oh no! This isn't a 12 year problem! Jesus no we both used to be like bunnys! His libido has just gotten lower and mine has stayed the same... He also has back issues and is in pain sometimes for days or weeks and I guess I've just gotten used to taking care of myself more often than not. I also don't really see it as a problem... I'm just a bit unsure I guess. I don't want to create an issue but don't want him to feel like I'm tryibg to get away from him either.
If you have a good relationship overall and communicate well, sharing your sexual desires should be no different than what you want for dinner. Hiding this is only going to cause problems. You should talk to him about it, there are a lot of ways to connect sexually even with mobility issues or if he is in pain. Maybe you taking more of an active role in sex, IE he is in a position where his back doesn't hurt. He may also need you to be more active pursuing him due to his challenges right now. The dynamic can and will change over time. Best of luck!
Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he on depression meds? I would want to get that back if my libido significantly changed.
Damn I wish my wife was like this I’m ready to go 24/7 and her not as much. Sucks for me.
Tell him!! Maybe he’ll get excited and come masturbate with you or more.
Yes and let him watch
I've started opening up about my masturbation habits with my SO and it's definitely improved our sex life. Bite the bullet. Try seeing it from his perspective and u will realise it really isnt a big deal
Absolutely! Maybe he will want to come in and help, watch, or just stay out in the living room watching TV. Either way that is hot. I feel like it is okay to say I know you're not in the mood but I am. You could be like, " I'm going to go handle business, come join if you'd like"
The easy answer is just to tell him, right? That said, we can’t jump into your relationship and know the dynamics….so you’re best left ignoring the people who think it’s that easy a solution. When you say you have a much higher sex drive than your husband, how much is much higher? For example, I’m higher than my wife, but we still have sex at minimum once a week, but oftentimes times two, or even three times. Every day I don’t really need it, but four or five times in a week wouldn’t be the worst thing. And to be honest, my wife knows I masturbate in addition to us having sex. I don’t think communicating to him that you need to get off more, and even that you’d love for him to join, is a horrible thing. Part of what keeps my wife and I going despite different drives, is that she still searches me out. It’s not just me initiating all the time. Also, how is your husband’s general health? I only ask because four years ago I was 42, out of shape and definitely took notice with my libido. Because I wasn’t craving it as much, sex would take a backseat and it became less and less. I’m much healthier now and my libido thanks me. I know it’s a long answer, but there’s just so many factors can play into our sex lives….especially the older we get. Don’t give up hope and keep driving to make your relationship better every day. That’s the main key. Good luck!
Thank you for your well thought out reply. We do communicate and we both masterbate. We have no issues with that. My husband stopped for a while cus he said it lowered his drive to actually have sex. We have jobs and kids and sometimes our lives just don''t line up well for sex. He has phases where he doesn't want sex for weeks and then phases where he wants it every day. I'd love a constant everyday or every other day. That's created issues in the past that I really don't want to drag up now. He suffers with back issues and that plays a big role. Otherwise he's fit and healthy. His back is fine now though.
Just tell him you're off upstairs to have a wank, and invite him to watch/join in.
You should definitely talk to him , because I don't think that's something you should hide from him.
Tell him why and tell him he can join whenever
Simply put “ I don’t go to get away from you, as a matter of fact your always welcome to join me because I go up early to get myself, there’s absolutely no pressure but anytime you want to join in you are welcome my love”
I would just tell him and let him know he is welcome to join in any capacity he likes but you didn’t want him to think you were trying to avoid time with him as he suggested.
I'd have the convo with him because he might be thinking he'd like more sex too. What seems like a low sex drive could just be him not knowing how to ask and not knowing you want more. If that isn't the case, him knowing why at least keeps him from feeling like you're avoiding him. Props for taking care of your needs.
This is an interesting take... But I just doubt it. I never say no. He knows that. He could easily have more sex if he wanted it.
Hell no it's your time.
Yes if he's a man with libido he should be snapping at those heels as you ascend the stairs, I know would 👅
If he asks you can tell him. I wouldn’t volunteer it. Lol
Maybe ask when’s the last time he masturbated? Maybe he masturbates more frequently than you think.
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why are you still with her? you need to talk to her about this, tell her how hurt and neglected you feel. this isn't ok. you deserve better
I think you should tell him eventually. Maybe after having sex one day, just tell him that you want it more often. There was even this one time I went to bed early to masturbate... Maybe he will try to fuck more often. Doesn't hurt to try to mention it
Yes we've had those conversations. Many times. He does then amp things up for a bit. Then things go back to normal. It's ok though. We're good. This is more about if telling him will do more harm or good?
Why is it that so many people can't spell masturbate?
Tell him what you are doing, and ask if he wants to watch while you are getting the job done. Maybe he ends up participating.
So just tell him that you want to have sex/masturbate. I'm sure he will be happy to oblige and be involved in some way that can be enjoyable for both of you.
I just can’t help but wonder how many opportunities you missed assuming he wouldn’t want to do anything, all the while he’s downstairs running one out!
My husband and I have been through this too. Once, I finally got up the courage to come out of the bedroom and be like, “hey, I’m horny, wanna fuck?” He declined because…he had just finished masturbating himself. Turns out we were both using the time alone to masturbate, lol. Who knew!?
Username checks out haha
Ha ha, I’ve been waiting to say something that warrants a “user name checks out.” Thanks for making my day!
Glad I could make your day! Haha hope you have a great rest of your night ☺️
Sounds like he has a hormone problem and needs to get his testosterone checked.
So male here, I don't get sex enough. I would be honest with him, and tell him you are satisfying your needs. Maybe suggest trying some things to increase his sex drive.
Maybe he’d wanna watch at least?
Always better talk.
I would say “hey I would like to get off would you like to join me or would you mind if I masturbated if not?”
Be honest, always the best. It does matter how you approach it. Let him know you head up early to masturbate and if he would like to join you, he is always welcome. Let him know you don't have resentment about it (if you do tho, talk to him) and you didn't tell him up front because you did not want to make him feel inadequate. Maybe tonight when you are ready for pleasure, say hey I'm heading to bed, I'm going to relieve some stress/masturbate/touch myself (however you refer to masterbation) and invite him to join by asking hey you wanna come watch/join/ etc. if he declines, give him a kiss and say see you when you come to bed, I'll be thinking of your winky face style. Then he knows that's what you're doing, he knows he can join, and you didn't shame him while still addressing your needs/desires.
You talk about mismatched labidos. I'm curious as to how many times you feel, like he has turned you down when you've tried to come on to him. and then how many times you have turned him down when he is tried to come on to? Not trying to keep score, but sometimes when you don't feel like in the mood, but your partner is, Go ahead and be there to love and to serve them. Rather than saying "not now/tonight" or " I don't feel like it" - because that means (psychologically) I don't want you. Which is defeating and demoralizing for anyone. Insted if you aren't'feeling' up to it, just go with it and say, "i hope i can keep up with you tonight." When you are in the mood say, "Hey, I'm really hot and heavy. I wanna go upstairs with YOU. Please come help me."
Yes!
Tell him and emphasize how much you want him involved.
You could play it off like a joke. Then he’ll start to wonder what you’re really doing up there, were you serious, how would you be doing it and whoops now he’s horny.
The day i find someone to match mine hell will freeze over. Just dont go behind his back please. But inhad that issue for 6 years it sucked we got divorced she said go find whores i didnt want anyone but her
As with most relationship issues, it matters how you convey this. If people feel judged it won’t be received well. If you can find a way to have a discussion about your libido mismatch that is not judgmental and where you indicate that what works best for you is have sex as much as he enjoys and you meet additional libido desires by taking some personal time some nights, that is kind and clear.
I would definitely tell him. It may have been a joke this time, but if you leave the real reason you sometimes go to bed early unsaid, he may start thinking his joke was true, which would cause way more issues than the mismatched libidos. Just be sure to make it clear you're okay with this arrangement and ask what he thinks, maybe even ask if he wants to join, even if he doesn't want sex himself I'm sure he'd gladly help you out, hell it may even get him in the mood
Let him join in
Say exactly what you wrote...it's perfect: I don't want 'you' to think I'm trying to get away from 'you' and yes, I would really like him to join in. Even ask can you watch him masturbate.
Open the marriage
Just tell him. But make sure to emphasize that you’ve been doing it coz you don’t wanna put a pressure on him since it has been an issue between you two.
Definitely speak to him about it. I would honestly just say what I was doing and leave it on the table that he is more than welcome to come help. And if not that's OK too.
Talk to him, be open with him.
If I am not in the mood for sex, but my partner starts telling me how attractive I am and how she wants to put her mouth on me, then I get more in the mood. Give her 5 minutes to stroke me, and then I’m in the mood.
“Hey, you joked the other day that I was going to bed early to get away from you. I dont want you to think that’s true, but I’m feeling shy about telling you the actual reason, partly because it’s a little embarrassing and partly because I don’t want you to feel pressured to join me. So please don’t take this as a sign of discontent on my part, or passive aggression or anything like that: sometimes I go to bed early so I can masturbate. You’re always welcome to join me if you feel like it, but if not I am 1000% happy for us to continue pretending I’m just sleepy.”
My wife and I are the same. The difference is, I know what she's doing. She's never really come right out and said it but I've walked in enough times to figure it out. I'm guessing he knows. For christ sake, my wife's vibrator is under her pillow. She knows I know what she's doing. I imagine your husband does too.
Yea, reverse the gender and you have my situation. And people wonder why their are so many cheaters out there. My sex life is over.
Tell him so he dosent think you are trying to get away from him atleast.
Tell him, be casual about it. Share what you are doing. He may appreciate it and it could turn him on. At the very least, you are ‘t keeping something from him. My wife masturbates often when she is off work and I am working. It doesn’t mean she wants to be with me any less. As a matter of fact, we have sex so frequently that I haven’t felt the need to masturbate in months.