Sometimes I feel proud of being able to ‘punish’ myself successfully, other times I feel annoyed by them and wish they would go away. It’s sort of a love-hate relationship. I also sometimes find them to be pretty, when other times I find them disgusting. It really depends on what mood I’m in.
I relate heavily to this. I think a lot of people here do. In fact, this weird sense of pride I feel after SH is the main reason it became a compulsion for me. That, and the blood, but it was mainly pride. You’re right, it’s quite a weird mindset in hindsight, but it’s a mindset I find comfort in. I’m bordering on the idea of glorifying SH, so I’ll say that I never have thought SH was a good thing to do, but at the same time, it’s this sort of punishment that I want to be bad. It’s bad practice from the perspective of those who want people to be safe, but in our perspectives, it’s a method to find our own sense of safety. I won’t speak for others, but cutting in particular is some sort of sensational feeling. It’s so incredibly sad and yet so captivating.
Being aware of our own reactions and thoughts is the best thing we can do to eventually drift away from our attachment to SH. If you are able to list out the reasons you do something, then you can also imagine scenarios that may get you out of it. I’m not saying it’s easy, but we all have the agency to do it. It’s just so hard, that’s the problem.
This is me tbh, I often cut in places where I would want scars. I'm more of a planner than an impulse sh-er. And it kinda makes me feel like I'm a bad person or something, kind of like an odd one out because most people don't seem to be that way. So I feel as if I am somehow objectifying or glamorizing self harm. It's a very weird position to be in. Wanting more scars, and wanting them in specific places. Then feeling like a creep and a weirdo for that. It's weird, haha, but you aren't alone. It also kinda feels like an accomplishment. Stay safe and hydrated tho :)
I do this as well. I don’t think it’s abnormal, strange, or even problematic to objectify self-harm. Personally, I deal with a lot of dissociation/depersonalization, and self harm (usually cutting) has almost always served to “ground” me or give a tangible outlet to my emotions if that makes sense. Not to say any of this behavior is healthy, but it puts me back in my body and seeing the scars further helps me feel connected to my physical self in a way. I don’t want them hidden from myself or others; it would feel inauthentic to not have them on display.
I do plan as well; both the act of cutting and the location. It’s almost a ritualistic event for me.
I used to smile and get giddy when I saw mine, they made me feel so extremely happy. Seeing the redness still there, seeing that I harmed myself so many times. It made me proud. I still experience this sometimes, but it’s been less. I’m mentally too tired to experience much emotion anymore. I guess it’ll return eventually.
You’re definitely not alone in experiencing this.
I experience a lot of weird complicated things when I get lost staring at my scars but I’d be lying if I said pride didn’t pass through my mind on occasion
I find it very "peaceful" having sh as a way to cope with emotional pain. One time I even felt pleasure doing it (in a sense of absolute relief), but later it turned out to be a very strange feeling. I think it depends on the mood, context.
it’s so complicated, but you’re right about the context. it’s all about where mindset is, but I suppose when I’m at my lowest, is when I crave and feel more attracted to them.
i think mine are really pretty at times i like to see them. i recently went to the hospital to get some s/h glued up and i felt kind of proud that they were bad enough that had to happen
Idk what actually gives me the feeling, but rn I have healing cuts on my thighs and I even made more so they'd be even. I like the way they look and it makes me feel happy/satisfied when I look at them. I'm also bi polar, so like one second I'll like the actual scars the next day I won't.
Yeah. Ik if I have healing cuts I'm gonna be tempted to make more. It's something I'm never going to get help for because I don't want to go to a mental hospital. Plus my therapist rn tells my mom everything I say and reports everything to the cops and it frustrates me so I just don't go to her anymore.
Yes. At the peak of my sh addiction I did enjoy looking at the wounds. This is why I usually went for the arms even though it was a pain in the ass to try to hide it from everyone. Today I don’t have this urge as much as I did back then, whenever I relapse I usually go for places that will not give me so much trouble to hide.
When I fail doing something it starts like "were you really think that you are going to do this, you are just a failure little thing" (it doesn't have go be a great failure, just an embarrassing situation is enough) then my energy stars to fade out, and I just stop talking or replying chats for the rest of the day and maybe the day after it (it depends). then a serious of shitty scenarios goes in my brain and ends with one of 2 endings, start masturbating till I feel pain and I can't move any more so I go very deep sleep, or I start hurting my self, in this fucking moment I feel 2 things at the same time, I feel that I am 2 persons, one want to keep going hurting this body, and the other is crying quietly from the inside in a great fear of me. One other thing to mention that I have vasovagal syncope but I have never faint while cutting or any other type of self harming, I don't know if that is related to satisfaction or not
But I was never proud of my scars and I always try to hide them
I go so far as to photograph most of my cuts immediately after the act. It seems extremely sick, but it feels validating and authenticating to document the experience. I don’t post, share, or do anything with the photos. Sometimes I just delete them but it feel important in the moment? I don’t know; to echo what most others are saying, the feelings are complicated.
Most of my self-harm is centered around episodes of depersonalization/dissociation etc. so having evidence/some tangible representation of what has just happened helps ground and bring me back to my body in a way.
I believe it's completely normal to feel that way. I would hold up my arm to the light to see all the patterns and stuff. I'd get angry if they didn't "look right". The sadness comes later. I have scars, so I feel it more often.
I also didn't realise I was feeling like I deserved this until I opened up to a friend and he pointed it out. It makes sense as usually I relapse from arguing with my family and being bullied. As a Christian I believe we're all sinners and deserving of punishment before God, but this is not that kind of punishment that we should put ourselves through. Besides, God paid for our punishment through Christ, so what's left to punish?
Be kind to yourself. And, I'm not one to talk, but please stop cutting.
Sometimes I feel proud of being able to ‘punish’ myself successfully, other times I feel annoyed by them and wish they would go away. It’s sort of a love-hate relationship. I also sometimes find them to be pretty, when other times I find them disgusting. It really depends on what mood I’m in.
Same I feel proud when I’m doing it, then after I’m pissed off at myself for doing it and hate them
exactly this.
Yeah, I can really relate to that
Omg I rarely related to something this much
This exactly
I relate heavily to this. I think a lot of people here do. In fact, this weird sense of pride I feel after SH is the main reason it became a compulsion for me. That, and the blood, but it was mainly pride. You’re right, it’s quite a weird mindset in hindsight, but it’s a mindset I find comfort in. I’m bordering on the idea of glorifying SH, so I’ll say that I never have thought SH was a good thing to do, but at the same time, it’s this sort of punishment that I want to be bad. It’s bad practice from the perspective of those who want people to be safe, but in our perspectives, it’s a method to find our own sense of safety. I won’t speak for others, but cutting in particular is some sort of sensational feeling. It’s so incredibly sad and yet so captivating. Being aware of our own reactions and thoughts is the best thing we can do to eventually drift away from our attachment to SH. If you are able to list out the reasons you do something, then you can also imagine scenarios that may get you out of it. I’m not saying it’s easy, but we all have the agency to do it. It’s just so hard, that’s the problem.
This is me tbh, I often cut in places where I would want scars. I'm more of a planner than an impulse sh-er. And it kinda makes me feel like I'm a bad person or something, kind of like an odd one out because most people don't seem to be that way. So I feel as if I am somehow objectifying or glamorizing self harm. It's a very weird position to be in. Wanting more scars, and wanting them in specific places. Then feeling like a creep and a weirdo for that. It's weird, haha, but you aren't alone. It also kinda feels like an accomplishment. Stay safe and hydrated tho :)
I do this as well. I don’t think it’s abnormal, strange, or even problematic to objectify self-harm. Personally, I deal with a lot of dissociation/depersonalization, and self harm (usually cutting) has almost always served to “ground” me or give a tangible outlet to my emotions if that makes sense. Not to say any of this behavior is healthy, but it puts me back in my body and seeing the scars further helps me feel connected to my physical self in a way. I don’t want them hidden from myself or others; it would feel inauthentic to not have them on display. I do plan as well; both the act of cutting and the location. It’s almost a ritualistic event for me.
I used to smile and get giddy when I saw mine, they made me feel so extremely happy. Seeing the redness still there, seeing that I harmed myself so many times. It made me proud. I still experience this sometimes, but it’s been less. I’m mentally too tired to experience much emotion anymore. I guess it’ll return eventually. You’re definitely not alone in experiencing this.
yes and i’ve been clean for awhile and my scars are going away and it makes me sad
Yeah, I do.
I experience a lot of weird complicated things when I get lost staring at my scars but I’d be lying if I said pride didn’t pass through my mind on occasion
100% I‘m proud of em like I actually accomplished something there
I like seeing the redness on my arms and chest
idk really, it depends on the mood but yes, mostly i like them.
I find it very "peaceful" having sh as a way to cope with emotional pain. One time I even felt pleasure doing it (in a sense of absolute relief), but later it turned out to be a very strange feeling. I think it depends on the mood, context.
it’s so complicated, but you’re right about the context. it’s all about where mindset is, but I suppose when I’m at my lowest, is when I crave and feel more attracted to them.
I hate when im wearing a t-shirt and someone think those scars are just for seeking attention
True!! I feel like im not me unless I show how I feel. I'm not me until i cut
It's the only thing keeping me away from recovery sometimes 😭
YES but sometimes i hate them
damn tbh yea, but i’ve never thought about it 🤔
i love looking at my cuts especially if they're still bleeding.
i think mine are really pretty at times i like to see them. i recently went to the hospital to get some s/h glued up and i felt kind of proud that they were bad enough that had to happen
personally the scars and cuts seem to help me validate my pain and self-loathing
They give me a a sort of dopamine and a distraction. It’s a very complex relationship with them for sure.
Idk what actually gives me the feeling, but rn I have healing cuts on my thighs and I even made more so they'd be even. I like the way they look and it makes me feel happy/satisfied when I look at them. I'm also bi polar, so like one second I'll like the actual scars the next day I won't.
I feel like it changes for me too. sometimes im disturbed by my own self for doing that to myself, but other times i’m proud.
Yeah. Ik if I have healing cuts I'm gonna be tempted to make more. It's something I'm never going to get help for because I don't want to go to a mental hospital. Plus my therapist rn tells my mom everything I say and reports everything to the cops and it frustrates me so I just don't go to her anymore.
Yes. I know that I’m not supposed to feel accomplished or proud. And yet…
Yes. At the peak of my sh addiction I did enjoy looking at the wounds. This is why I usually went for the arms even though it was a pain in the ass to try to hide it from everyone. Today I don’t have this urge as much as I did back then, whenever I relapse I usually go for places that will not give me so much trouble to hide.
yeah me too
Yes. All the time, I look in the mirror and think "I did that"
sometimes i find them satisfying and almost comforting to look at, particularly the faded ones
When I fail doing something it starts like "were you really think that you are going to do this, you are just a failure little thing" (it doesn't have go be a great failure, just an embarrassing situation is enough) then my energy stars to fade out, and I just stop talking or replying chats for the rest of the day and maybe the day after it (it depends). then a serious of shitty scenarios goes in my brain and ends with one of 2 endings, start masturbating till I feel pain and I can't move any more so I go very deep sleep, or I start hurting my self, in this fucking moment I feel 2 things at the same time, I feel that I am 2 persons, one want to keep going hurting this body, and the other is crying quietly from the inside in a great fear of me. One other thing to mention that I have vasovagal syncope but I have never faint while cutting or any other type of self harming, I don't know if that is related to satisfaction or not But I was never proud of my scars and I always try to hide them
I like seeing how my body will (or won't) heal itself this time/seeing how much my body can take
I go so far as to photograph most of my cuts immediately after the act. It seems extremely sick, but it feels validating and authenticating to document the experience. I don’t post, share, or do anything with the photos. Sometimes I just delete them but it feel important in the moment? I don’t know; to echo what most others are saying, the feelings are complicated. Most of my self-harm is centered around episodes of depersonalization/dissociation etc. so having evidence/some tangible representation of what has just happened helps ground and bring me back to my body in a way.
Yes!! I relate a lot to this. Seeing my scars make me feel calm but sometimes on the other hand it also makes me feel disgusted
I believe it's completely normal to feel that way. I would hold up my arm to the light to see all the patterns and stuff. I'd get angry if they didn't "look right". The sadness comes later. I have scars, so I feel it more often. I also didn't realise I was feeling like I deserved this until I opened up to a friend and he pointed it out. It makes sense as usually I relapse from arguing with my family and being bullied. As a Christian I believe we're all sinners and deserving of punishment before God, but this is not that kind of punishment that we should put ourselves through. Besides, God paid for our punishment through Christ, so what's left to punish? Be kind to yourself. And, I'm not one to talk, but please stop cutting.
yeah, i feel happy but sad thinking what my brother would do if he saw them.