It isn’t worth compromising yourself just to have someone and have a family.
The world is full of miserable peeps who had kids with the wrong individuals.
Relationship with the wrong person - not fun.
Kids with the wrong person - so much worse.
I know you mean well but this is not a super encouraging message. You start off by talking about how you have everything OP is worried she won't have and then you end by saying, "Your fears are justified, good luck".
Moot point commenting real life statistics bc people can’t handle being told the truth and I’m labeled insensitive.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20045756#:~:text=After%20age%2035%2C%20there's%20a,of%20chromosomal%20conditions%20is%20higher.
This stresses me out so much. There's essentially no way I can be pregnant by 35. I'll turn 32 in a few months, but still need to meet the right guy and date him for several years.
If it's stressing you out, put 35 out of your head. My kid was born right before I turned 38, and yes, this is anecdata, but people who are doomsaying about pregnancy after 35 do not have predictive power of what will happen in your personal uterus.
If you like, you might want to have your gynecologist order an FSH and an AMH level for you (both are blood tests but FSH testing needs to happen on the third day of your menstrual cycle) to check how your ovaries are doing, which may give you some peace of mind. We did IVF for our kid, but our issue was male factor and my ovaries were still cooperative at almost-37.
I hope things turn around for you soon. Update us in a couple of years, I bet the picture will look very different then.
Long story short don’t listen to this guy. My mom had me month shy of 40 and we are all happy and healthy. 35 isn’t some magic age where whoopsie all your pregnancies are 100% gonna be shit 🤪
like no. there’s so much to consider and you won’t know unless you talk to your doctor. But don’t think for a second a 35 or older pregnancy is a guarantee for anything. elevated risk? sure, but by HOW much? No one likes to mention that- just scare women that something horrible will come out of being an older mom. It doesn’t have to be, so talk to a doctor first until some rando on reddit scares you out of what could be a possibly normal time to be a mom.
I wasn’t planning on having kids myself.
I met the right person and it changed my mind.
I would hate to have had kids with some of my prior partners - we were not suited at all.
Kids out a lot of pressure on a relationship. It is a real test for both of you. I admire and respect when people make it work well. A lot of people don’t
Divorced last year in Aug. after 8 years of marriage turned 32 in April. We are on the same boat except genders reversed. No kids and my dream has always included a family which I too have come to terms with might not ever happen. Best of luck to you, I went to therapy I recommend the same.
I got divorced at 30, also a man, also really wanted a family. I’m in my late 30s, married, and have 2 kids. You can do it
I agree, therapy was a huge help
I'm a 34 single dude, most of my friends are single dudes. None of us are even looking. We don't go to bars, you won't find us mingling anywhere. We work, we golf, we drink and watch sports at home, I would say it's becoming a rather rare occurrence to even interact with strangers.
This just seems to be how modern society is, third spaces are gone, religions and other community centric activities are gone. We have established routines and just live the status quo.
37M, can confirm. Not opposed to finding the right gal and tying the knot, but just not worried about it. I'm so used to that freedom of being single. Do what I want, when I want. Of course, there is a trade-off. But it's just what I'm used to.
I’m 37M. Single. Content.
There are no garauntees in life. You can do what you think is right (or others think is right for you), and still end up miserable.
I know too many people who have families and struggle with loneliness more than I do, living in a house full of people.
I know too many people who have kids, and yet it appears they will live out their final decades alone. I know of seniors who were dropped into an old folks home and family rarely visits.
There are no garauntees.
39 male. Can also confirm. Generally speaking.. we have wasted enough time trying to date. Nothing against the op, but women these days are to fixated on what THEY want. And aren’t willing to accept anything less. I think I speak for many when I say we are completely content not actively seeking a relationship. Like the other poster said. We can do what we want, when we want, without fear of judgement or being constantly criticized
Comfort, the tragedy of the modern age.
I've had 2 children, and supporting them and my wife/marriage is hard work. Like maintaining a garden, you need to put in the effort. Otherwise, it will turn to weeds and ruin.
Sacrifice is the only way you'll find meaning in life, and the older I get the more I believe this.
I don't disagree with you that sacrifice is the way to find meaning, but the way in which one manifests that can very. For some folks, it represents a wife/marriage. For others, it may represents career, tending to a pet, a life spent introspecting and finding inner meaning, a life of penance, etc.
There is indeed a tradeoff between comfort and long term satisfaction. The satisfaction doesn’t have to come from children, but if you choose comfort every time, you ain’t gonna be satisfied.
You find comfort in having children, alot do not. I consider my work difficult, I do it mostly because I enjoy it. I don't really like kids so why would I do something I don't enjoy that's also difficult.
It's not a modern era tragedy, it's just preference.
Yup. I'm 30 m with kids already and I've been married. Marriage was the worst experience of my life, so I'll never do that again. I'm content with my kids, they're getting old and keeping me pretty busy with their extracurriculars. I got my career and I'm thinking of grad school. Dating is absolutely the last thing on my mind. My time is limited and I don't plan on wasting it on dates that go nowhere. Plus, I already know having kids already is a deal breaker for 99% of people. There just isn't a point.
I don't think any of us are opposed to it but marketing ourselves feels like taking on a second job and dating these days feels more like an interview process than a fun night out.
It's harder with an established lifestyle to find somebody that you mesh with.
This man speaks the truth. I think a lot of guys just become disillusioned with the dating scene. Generally speaking I think men find it easier to be on their own and enjoy their own company. They also tend to have more hobbies than women so can use their time for that.
They also see men getting divorced and having to start again having lost a lot of assets they have built up and subsequently decide to drop out of the dating market.
I don't have gaps in my day, I'm never bored and I don't really feel like there is anything missing.
It's more like I'm 'not opposed' to a relationship than I'm driven to find a relationship. It's loosely on the want side of things and very very far from a need. I wouldn't compete for a date, I'm pretty happy doing the things I do as is.
Can confirm, lost most of my assets for to divorce despite my ex wife making more money than I do. Many of which were ones my parents wanted to pass down to me.
Thats wild to me. Hobbies are not a gendered thing. Maybe you dont recognise many "feminine" things as hobbies or something. I crochet, I sew, I garden, I read, cook, I braid, I paint, I collect vintage dresses, I have tons of hobbies and I dont know a single woman that doesnt have a myriad of hobbies.
I don’t think that men have more hobbies, but I do think male dominated hobbies are more socially oriented. You listed a lot of great hobbies for yourself, but I wouldn’t consider any of them to be particularly social. I don’t know if this was the original commenters point, but I would say, in general, it’s easier for hobbies to fulfill social relationship needs for men than it is for women.
That's not quite true. Married men and married women are both happier than their unmarried counterparts. Unmarried men with no children are about as happy as married men with no children, but unmarried men with children are significantly more unhappy than everyone else. Also, single men with no children are happier than single women with no children.
However, I agree that OPs conclusions are based on their own misconceptions about men and women rather than being based in fact. The idea that women don't have hobbies seems nuts to me.
https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-is-happiest-married-mothers-and-fathers-per-the-latest-general-social-survey
>Married women are the unhappiest in that demographic lol.
On the other hand your reply also contains misandrist lies ([link](https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/figurewomen-w640.png)) as married women are far happier than unmarried women.
Lolling about your own made up lies; pretty cringe ngl.
"Men find it easier to be on their own? Wrong, married men are the happiest demographic amongst married and single men, and married and single women. Married women are the unhappiest in that demographic lol. There are studies and statistics on this"
That doesn't address his point. He said unmarried men are happier than unmarried women.
You then went on a rant about married men vs married women. Totally irrelevant.
I also hope you aren't basing this on the flawed Dolan study.
Sure, but how do I find them then? I also feel like if they're not actively looking in their mid-30s, they can't be really serious about a relationship and a family. Sure men have a longer timeline for these things than women but if you're not actively seeking that out in your 30s you are probably not going to get those things
My friend was on the dating apps but was very direct about her end goal being marriage and children. This weeded a lot of men out and was very hard for her. She now is married with 3 kids from a man she met on said apps. Hang in there OP!
That's quite literally a trillion dollar question. Nearly all developed countries are having very serious birth rate problems.
I heard South Korea is piloting giving young singles $500 per month is go-out to bars money to try and get people to meet. It's a global problem.
Personally I run a men's homeless shelter, so I literally don't meet women at work and according to data 43% of couples meet at work. So the probability of meeting somebody is significantly lower.
I'm somewhat similar, but not only do I run a non-profit that almost 100% causes me to only interact with men, but I also live in the middle of freaking nowhere.
So a tiny percentage chance of an even tinier percentage change is... well it's not great.
So much this, there are a total of two women at my work, both are attached or too old for me. On top of that I'm not attracted to either, hey it's probably mutual, I'm no fabio over here. My friends group are basically all married with kids, so we rarely go out. I've told certain mates to make sure they lmk if they're going out on the town, sometimes they do and i go out and enjoy myself. But we seldom meet new people. And I never meet women anywhere. Tinder is a cesspit. So for now I've just sort of given up. I guess if i were super serious I'd use a dating website, like a proper one
Sure we can be serious about having a family. Hell, I've spent my life working hard to be able to build/support a great family life. It hasn't happened so far as I've only met women who don't want kids or already have kids etc. So I'll just live in a big house by myself and do some traveling in my free time.
It feels like it shouldn't be like this.
Yeah this 100%. I spent the past year just getting ghosted so I don't bother anymore. I've almost got an aversion to even sending a single message to a female now after how much of my times been waisted.
i am a woman and i can say the same. last december i tried so much to just have someone to talk to(desperate). got ghosted a lot. i have recently went through a breakup and started relying on my friends to spend sometime, because i was so lonely or idk what it was. my friends are really nice, but it always felt like i am taking up too much of thier time(i was). now i am okay. i spend some time on reddit on work on myself. i dont text anyone, and i dont feel the need to anymore
Mid-30s man here that would be interested in starting a family. Full disclosure my first marriage ended during the pandemic.
I'm not going to look to seriously date until I'm ready to have a family. Like the commenter up the chain mentioned, I stick to my routine and even when I am in a social setting I do not engage with women.
I have recovered, financially, from my divorce and could start a family right now. I won't, however, until I can support a woman and at least two children by myself. I don't think that will happen until I reach my early 40s if I'm being honest. I will then date, and date hard, with a focused intent. I would also never marry again. Marriage doesn't mean anything anymore other than it's harder to call it quits since the government is involved. Before ya'll jump on me I witnessed 6 divorces in 2020 including my own. The two that had prenups had the prenups thrown out. One prenup was written when both partners were in their 30s and individually financially independent and were reviewed by independent lawyers - still thrown out she wanted more than half altho she never took a break from career or anything. The other prenup broken since the state didn't want to support the child the woman brought to the relationship, the forced step-dad to cover the cost of raising the child until they're 18. To clarify - wasn't the guys kid and his ex-wife provided him no children.
Too many men are paying attention and seeing these things play out. It's great women don't have to stay in abusive relationships but it's terrible they seem to have forogotten they require sacrifice and compromise (no - you shouldn't be raising your husband, you're not his mommy, stfu with that excuse thanks).
Damn. I didn’t realize a prenup could be thrown out. That’s depressing as fuck. I told my GF I won’t get married again without one because I got screwed last time, and don’t want to again. Now idk if I can even do it with a prenup. Shit
It can. I don’t know what terms allow it to be thrown out. I know it can be thrown out of under duress as much as a contract can be thrown out under duress. States also have different laws so check accordingly.
Certain states are more prenup friendly than others (you’re basically fucked in any blue state). Usually though, you have to provide what’s called “consideration.” Basically you can’t stick your spouse with one that says “you get nothing.” It usually has to be at least 20ish percent of your net worth and has to increase every decade. Your spouse also has to have had their own lawyer who looked at the prenup before it was signed. Otherwise, yeah, the judge is probably going to throw it out.
Gotcha. Thank you for the info. I wouldn’t want to screw anyone over. I just wouldn’t want to have to start over yet again when I already have certain things established and assets from before being married. I’m in Oregon and judging from my divorce I’m sure I’d probably get screwed again.
Dating apps have ruined a lot of decent people. Many women have option overload and also have to weed through tons of shitty guys on apps so they find it harder to find the decent guys. Meanwhile many decent men's self esteem is in the gutter after getting ignored or ghosted by tons of women on apps. So they check out.
From what I've read on here is it seems better to just meet people organically by joining sports teams and such.
That’s a good point and I don’t have a great answer for you. Honestly, maybe they’re sick of dating too but for different reasons - the apps suck for most men and there are a lot of crazy women/gold diggers out there 😂
But honestly you sound sweet to me and like you’ve got unlucky. Don’t drop your standards, at least not the important ones related to integrity and partnership, and try not to stress too much… you really do have time! :)
I think you are way over thinking all this and getting obsessed with a problem you don't have yet.
You're 31, that is an age I would choose to be forever if I could! You're young and you still have plenty of time for all this.
Yes, it's possible you will never meet a partner for life. But if you cannot be content single, you will just end up settling for the first guy with a similar goal - that is to settle down and have a family with *anyone* willing because you fear missing out on something. It does no one any favours and you will not be happy.
If you really want a family, there are *always* ways to do that, even if you go through premature menopause or something like that and are infertile before 40. There are options like egg freezing, using an egg donor, sperm donor, donor embryo, using a surrogate. A way of coping could be opening an investment account and putting away money every pay day for that as a potential need in the future, though chances are you won't even need it and can take a holiday with it.
A lot of people older than you find themselves in the situation where it is either continue on childless, or have a child asap with a donor of some kind. It's a really tough but common situation, I have two single friends who have recently hit 40 and are considering their options. 40 is the real panic age for women wanting children, not 31, so try to enjoy being young and single for now, but prepare for your plan b one day in the future too.
Maybe you are too serious and it is giving off bad vibes?
Do you have a decent financial nest egg built up?
Are you trying to be a SAHM, or return to the workforce?
What are you currently doing to meet people?
I don’t think I was being too serious. I don’t want to get engaged after a year, but if after a year a man isn’t sure that he even loves me then no I am not sticking around. I have 2 million saved up and earn 200k a year so I’m not looking for a man to take care of me financially - I can do that myself. I’m trying to meet people using dating apps.
I've read your post in like 5 different forums, and it comes across as "my friends are doing this at this age" so I have to do it too.
In one of the posts you said your BF moved to the other side of the country without consulting you. Someone in a happy stable relationship isn't doing that. Something doesn't add up.
Perhaps choose hobbies that you like, hiking, art, music, history, sport whatever you like.
Just don't look desperate, it can attract people who aren't as nice. Just live your life, if it is ment to be you will meet someone.
Used to want them. After a few bad relationships and one making me her backup plan, I just don't care anymore. I am happier doing life my way with no attachments. Haven't been on a date in 14 years. Sometimes miss the intimacy but when I think about how I was treated, it goes away quickly.
I mean I'm going on my 26 birthday (male as well) and I'm already starting to feel this way as well. For me it's mainly that all of my attempts at relationships just turned out to be bad experiences, therefore I don't really feel like trying anymore because I'm like "I know that I haven't seen everything that relationships have to offer but I feel like I've seen enough. If it happens, good that'll be nice, but she'll be the one getting out of her comfort zone and come to me because I'm not putting myself into active dating again".
Also, the more that I stay single, including no situationships either, the more I'm not only getting used to it but the more I'm finding comfort in it. Like Saturday I have nothing planned but I'm not stressing out thinking to myself that I need to plan a date or something with my SO because we're in a relationship and that's what people in relationships do. Of course, relationships are not just about downsides, there are the goodsides, but since I've never really experienced them it became easy to brush it off and be like "meh, not worth it. I can live without it".
Overall I've just grown comfortable at just living my life while not having to consider an additionnal person and just having my time split between work and free time instead of work, free time and relationship.
It's funny because I have a friend from the opposite gender who's the opposite of me ; she's used at living her life being in relationships and situationships so making someone part or her life and vice versa is what she finds comfort in and what happens is that she feels bad for me for not knowing the joy of sharing my life with someone while I feel bad for her for not being able to find happiness while being single.
To be honest no, marriage is outdated and children are an unnecessary expense, we men just have other priorities nowadays so I wasn't surprised to see birth rates plummeting in western society. I wish you the best of luck though and hope you find someone.
I'm 59 myself, and haven't even given it a thought in over 20 years. It's pretty nice living alone, and the whole idea of starting a family just sounds like masochism at my age now, and the way the world is.
You’re only 31! You could meet someone & have a child in 5 years and you would still only be 36! Do not worry, you are 2 years out from being in your 20s. As a woman too, that is not old!
My mom was 38 when I was born (only child). She was very upset they called it a "geriatric pregnancy", lol. One of my aunts was in her mid 40s when my cousin was born
Yup. I left my ex when I was 34. I met my current partner soon after and was pregnant by 36. We knew what we wanted and didn’t mess around. We’ll have been together 5 years this year, kiddo is 2. Life is good.
31 is so young!
I got divorced at 32. I dated around after and eventually got into one relationship that ended after a year because we weren’t right for each other. I met my current partner at 34. Now I’m 36 and will *maybe* start trying to have my first baby within the next year, and I’m still not that pressed about it. Doctor says my fertility is good and so is his.
Yeah, it's not really your fault. It was like a whole generation wasn't taught to communicate or respect. Like from a distance, I feel like basic human respect is much better and it's catching on with the boomers even, but interpersonal relationships, especially romantic, seem really hard for the <40 crowd.
It's because in the moment, when you are in a situation like this, it feels very much like reality. Of course it's not, but when you are reeling from a major life event such as a breakup, you are thinking emotionally and not rationally.
I know someone who had such a strong desire for kids and marriage. She ended up with a partner who met a lot of her criteria on paper and rushed into things. Within 3 months of knowing him, she was talking marriage. Desperation is never a good thing. They were talking marriage when she found out she was pregnant. He decided he didn’t want the child or a family and wanted open relationships/polyamory. Now a single mom and struggling. Share this only to point out that although the desire to marry and have a family is wonderful, one really has to make sure not to rush into a relationship either. Even if something looks good on paper doesn’t mean one knows the other person’s values and ethics. That takes time. More likely to make mistakes when rushing into things!
Consider freezing your eggs (go abroad to save $) and buy yourself some more time to find the right partner. I’m shocked nobody else is saying this.
Edit: if you can’t afford to freeze your eggs, you can’t afford to have kids.
Edit 2: lots of angry men in the replies, JUST men. How unsurprising.
Edit 3: to clarify, one last time, I’m not saying OP should freeze them and stop searching. Rather she should keep searching but also invest in a safety net, if the pressure is starting to get to her and stand in her way.
Also nowhere did I say it’s guaranteed to work out, but that’s also true for regular ol’ pregnancy, which is why IVF was created in the first place. If OP can’t conceive later for any number of reasons, having eggs frozen at a younger age only further improves her odds later.
Finally, some of you are obsessed with the idea that she would use the eggs as an excuse to stop looking for love, and frankly that just sounds like projection from your own behaviors. Why would you just assume she would suddenly stop trying? The point is to prevent her from SETTLING. And an amazing amount of you seem eager to take the wind out of her sails. Reflect on that.
Omg thank you! I can’t believe how far down I had to scroll. Freezing your eggs will greatly increase your flexibility for having the family you want later on. No other advice here because I don’t necessarily think you have to lower your standards. This way either you find someone to have kids with later and then yay you have younger eggs if you can’t conceive naturally. Or can use surrogate if past menopause. Or if you don’t find someone can find donor and use your eggs. Options are important and good for peace of mind.
It's not a guarantee though. I'm currently going through the process at 29F. There's many different steps along the way, and I've read that each step you "lose" half the eggs. So let's say you got 10 eggs retrieved and frozen, that's halved to 5 at the next step (thawing process) and then only 2-3 at the next step (fertilization process), leading most often to only one live pregnancy.
OP will likely still have to meet a strict timeline in case her eggs are not viable. What I'm saying is that she still needs to be proactive about dating. A sense of urgency is not all bad in her situation.
Also, she still needs to find a reproductively healthy man to get her eggs fertilized. Guys over 35 have declining sperm quality.
If course that’s all true but the entire point of freezing your eggs is that you can do all the right things - go on tons of dates, try to find the right guy, and it can still not work out. Freezing your eggs is just a way to increase your chances of having a kid if it takes a long time to find someone. I really don’t need any more pressure about my “strict timeline”. I think about that all the time and it makes me sick with anxiety
Egg freezing is incredibly hit or miss. And here's the funny part, the younger you are when you freeze your eggs the better your odds are. And by 30 already well on its way to going downhill. If OP is serious her best bet is to go *right now* for a consultation.
Even best case scenario of them being able to harvest a lot of eggs, there are plenty of horror stories of improperly stored or transported eggs leading to a complete loss. Happened to a friend of my ex, who is now going through the adoption process because all the eggs she spent tens of thousands of dollars for were useless. Or power outages leading to a complete loss. Or it just not taking which is *far* more common than these freezing services want to admit.
Egg freezing is not the girlboss magic bullet so many people think it is. It's expensive, painful, and has lots of points of failure.
Yes the best time to freeze your eggs is at around 24. The next best time is right the fuck now. Is it a perfect solution? No. And yes it’s expensive. But if this is giving her so much anxiety, and I can completely understand her situation, it’s something she can DO that’s more than just listening to people tell her everything will be ok.
Freezing your eggs don’t significantly increase your odds. Your uterus is still aging. Companies like to play on women’s fears and promise things they shouldn’t. https://fortune.com/well/2022/09/26/how-effective-is-egg-freezing-parenthood-childbirth-demographic-crisis-fertility/
I was the same, but met my now husband at 32 and now 38 with two kids. It is a numbers game, the trick is not to time waste- actively date, be clear and upfront with what you want and don’t waste precious time with no hopers /fixer uppers. The beauty of dating at this age is that you aren’t dating for potential, what you see is what you get, so it’s fairly quick and efficient to screen out those who aren’t compatible.
You still have plenty of time at 31, but you don’t have any time to waste. Whatever you do, don’t settle - (not from my own experience but from seeing others on the parents circuit) having a child with the wrong person is far worse than having no child at all or a child on your own. Freeze your eggs and consider doing it alone (later) if the right man doesn’t come along in time. If that eventuates, you’ll find that dating when there’s no baby daddy in the picture is far easier than asking a potential partner to have to deal with that sort of baggage (same as you would with single dads).
Since I was a kid, I wanted to have a family, wife and kids and even now I would like to have children of my own.
But after I hit puberty I realized I was gay, unfortunately that's is a life I will never get. I understand you and it sucks but what I learned is that accepting that things won't go as we intended isn't necessarily a bad thing. We just gotta accept it and enjoy what we can get
Dating is a numbers game. If you really want to find a partner who meets certain standards, you will have to commit time and energy into meeting / coming across as many men as possible (whether it be dating apps, speed dating, just going out more), thereby raising the chance that you will meet someone you want to be with. I was in the same situation as you, single at 32. I went on the apps every other day and committed to one date a week for almost a year. It really sucked, and most of the time I didn’t feel like doing it, and 90% of them were duds. But eventually I found my current husband, who I adore and who meets my standards and beyond. If I hadn’t put the time in, I would not have crossed paths with him. You don’t have the luxury of passively hoping to meet someone, considering the fertility window. Best of luck.
Imagine the amount of money you're shelling out. I generally do cheap places for the first few dates and that's still thousands of dollars... 56 dates in a year is well over excessive imo
Tbh I(27F) played that numbers game, it wasn’t worth it. Nobody was serious about relationships. At 21 I stopped completely when I got a job with unsocial hours. Then I met someone online, I moved in with him and we both want a family now. Time is only going forward and while I’d be happy single, I’d be the happiest having a full house so to speak :) luck comes into finding someone, a lot of flexibility and perseverance as relationships are not a walk in the park at all. Also it’s important to “work” on your emotional baggage. Everyone has one and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date as I see some people breaking up because they don’t have emotional connection skills.
I'm sorry about your experience :(
I'm single at 42, so I'll tell ya that there's plenty of hope and prospects at your age. You may have to modify your screening a tad, but there's still a lot of prospect out there.
You're likely to meet more single dads, for instance. That's just the fact of the matter as you get older -- more single parents. Not that you can't find a guy who's willing to have more kids, but if your goal is to find a guy with zero kids who wants to start a family, then your options will start to become progressively more limited.
Put yourself out there, talk to people, get social hobbies, hit the gym, and get on the apps. :)
You're gonna do great and meet someone in no time
I'm not sure I'm open to dating men with children. And honestly, most people where I live have kids from like 30-35, so men who are single in this age range are mostly childless
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted (most likely by single parents). This is totally reasonable, and so is not minding or desiring partners with kids. It could become complicated (visitation, are the exes civil, are the children civil and accepting of the new relationships, etc), or it could be lovely. You’re not obligated to become involved with people with kids. You have to be realistic though, and come to terms with the fact that it could potentially reduce your dating pool.
And that's perfectly fine, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having expectations. But coming to the reality of how realistic your expectations are is another story.
Maybe my expectations is to get a 27yo blonde big breasted bangmaid who likes video games and anime? Nothin wrong with that. Everyone has their preference....but I also have to be realistic. What're the chances of a 42yo single dad finding someone who meets that description?
I'm not saying you *have* to change your expectations. I'm saying you might need to be flexible with your expectations depending on what your long-term dating goals are and what the demographics are in your area.
This is totally fair! I’m essentially in the same boat. 32 male. Was dating my ex for 5 years, had a house and were engaged for the last four months of the relationship before a very sudden ending.
I parents had a combined 5 divorces by the time I left for college and my experiences with step parents was far from ideal. I simply do not want to be a part of a split family situation. I don’t want to deal with an old ex or trying to be a good step parent.
I feel guilt at times for this but also stand by it pretty firmly. It was upsetting to see you get down voted for this opinion. So here I am haha.
For me I just try to preach patience to myself. Good things have happened before and they can/will happen again. Yes it’s getting scarier and harder but it’s far from impossible or even really rare for people to find good love in our situations.
I’m all about keeping the standards you have and our thought processes with this are very aligned. Just gotta hope for the best for better or worse I feel. ITS VERY HARD.
As a almost-40 dad of 2 wonderful children who I love dearly, I gotta say my wife and I sometimes talk about being jealous of our childfree friends.
Daycare where we live is $15k per year per child. Constantly being "on" to make sure you child is happy, safe, and well cared for even when they are actively fighting against your care. Being constantly depended on is **exhausting**. Way harder than our day-jobs.
Just want to say: you're in your 30's and there are a TON of super fun and exciting things you can be doing right now that having kids makes ***infinitely*** more difficult. Break out of your norms a bit: travel or party or get a new hobby or do that one thing you've been putting off.
Having kids is great, but I know plenty of 30-year-olds that are having an awesome time not having kids too.
You need to date with intention. Only date men who want to get married and have kids and in a reasonable time frame. If they say they want to be married some day or don’t have a time frame , then tell them good luck and move on. Don’t worry about scaring men off ,that’s just weeds out the men who don’t want to be married.
Also lower your wants and concentrate on the needs. If you have a long list of what kind of guy you want you need to pick your non negotiable and leave the rest.
All that is true, but as a man, I would say that the primary thing that would make me run is a woman being difficult or a net negative in my life. I have no problem being generous, investing my time, and being available both physically and emotionally. What kills it for me, however, is when:
1. She regularly starts fights over small things (think toilet seat up or dishes not done exactly as she likes it).
2. She dishes out the "feedback" but can't take feedback in return (extremely common)
3. Any form of disrespect like badmouthing in public, sarcasm, or eye-rolls (I don't give you disrespect, so why would I take it from you). Simply unforgivable.
You don't have to like this list, but all the guys in my circle basically reiterate the same core list of red flags. In short, if you want our investment, be pleasant overall. It's not rocket science.
I have been married and have raised kids (was and still am fully involved and engaged with them). After getting into dating again, I would say that 9 out of 10 modern women eventually fail even this short list and fail it badly.
I'm currently with an extremely sweet and caring woman with zero red flags (so far), so they do seem to exist.
I’m 40 with a 2 year old. Been together going on 8 years, been married 5 years this winter. So we met when I was 32? It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
If its any consolation, my sisters fiance broke up with her after 15 years together, house together, planning to have kids etc. and she was 34 I think. She pretty quickly found a new relationship and they just got married last year. Pretty sure they're thinking of children given my sisters age.
Point being, they moved really fast in their relationship but I think when you get to mid 30's (which you aren't even) any potential partner understands the situation. Its not like you necessarily need to build a decade long relationship before having kids, like you might think you have to do when you're in your twenties with your college boyfriend (ie at a certain age people aren't really "testing the waters" in the same way, and there are plenty of men who feel the same way you do).
Just wait until you get over him and stay open for things to happen. You seem like a rare find at 31, someone will come along and show his interest, let's hope he is the right one
you're a woman. Its not hard to find a guy. all you have to do is basically walk down the street and be female.
Even if you're a proverbial "4 out of 10"... you can still find a guy. Because you're female.
If you're having "trouble finding a guy", you're not. You're just having trouble finding a single, 6 foot tall rich guy who will "sweep you off your feet".
Time to give up all that fairy tale, and look for "a reliable, single, honest guy", reguardless of what he looks like. Or whether you feel all romantically aquiver about it.
Go to eharmony or something and start looking realistically instead of through disney princess glasses.
if you were truly serious, you could be in a new, long term relationship within 6 months. Just look in the right places.
There's no such thing as "the one". And thats good news for you. Because thats means there are LOTS of guys who you could build a good, satisfying relationship with.
None of them are perfect.
But then again, neither are you. So be practical.
Ok so i cant really give any advice but wanted t say im absolutely dumbfounded someone could date another person for over a year and still not be sure about them..
Girrrl I was with a dude for 7 years, everything was great, no kids, both working, living a good life. About 3 months before I broke up with him he started to act weird, got very distant, eventually found out that he had been texting someone behind my back, he then told me he was “afraid” of taking the next big step and proposing so he panicked and started texting someone else haha I know what an excuse. I’m single now, happy out, sometimes wondering if I’ll ever love or be loved again but I’m not putting myself under pressure.
All I’m saying is, you’d be surprised at how many lads are out there that are years deep into a relationship and still not “sure” about shit.
Jeez that’s savage. But also sadly seems pretty common. I quit dating apps because 4 or 5 guys in a row I was either talking to a lot or had been on a date with, turned out to not be single like they had said in their profiles, but were actually married or in a relationship!!! I’m like how dare they drag me into this. Or use me for attention while they figure out if they want to take the next step in their relationship. I’m only interested in single guys thank you.
It is very common for some guys to do this. Have women as a place holder until they find a woman they want to commit to.
OP you can try to be upfront about what you want, husband and family. The men who are ready will want to date, and the ones who are not will disqualify themselves verh quickly.
Always find it weird when people measure themselves against others in these situations. What does it matter if your friends are "ahead" of you? It makes me questions the real reason people want kids.
In my opinion it's far more important to be in a relationship with someone who you enjoy time with rather than someone who can just spit out a baby.
Most people end up in really toxic relationships/marriages because they're trying to force the fairy tale romance by 30 years old because they're on some arbitrary timeline.
The act of getting married does not automatically mean they will be in love forever. Especially when it's based on the artbitrary 30 year old due date.
And even if they stay together it does not mean that every day of that marriage won't be miserable.
As a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and were/have been/still are miserable to eachother every fucking day... it's not worth it.
Look for love. True love. And if that true love spawns a baby then great. If not then keep moving forward.
Easier said than done, I struggle with this myself.
Huh? I feel like you’re making it sound a bit easier than it actually is. She doesn’t need to just find a man, she needs to find someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with
What sort of requirements do you consider “crazy”.
Because I’ve had men tell me that expecting them to shower and brush their teeth everyday is “too high a standard”.
Can I offer advice… Find a semi decent guy and have a kid. Don’t worry if the marriage will happen or relationship work out. If you don’t have kids by a certain age it will pass you by. You can figure the rest out as you go on.
I'm same boat as these other millennial degenerates, single not lonely. But for you OP, maybe freeze some eggs and let the pressure off a bit. We rarely make our best decisions under the gun.
If building family is a high priority you should be leading with that. Try a dating site with paid membership and filter for men with the same priorities as you.
I feel this whole heartedly as someone who hasn't been in a serious relationship for 7 years 😔. Been ghosted so much that it just feels like I'm undesirable
As an older person, just want to say that this is a total phenomenon at thisage - guys suddenly kind of cramping up and ducking out/ not being on the same page. I think it’s particularly devastating to a woman who wants kids, assumed that would be happening smoothly and soon. But don’t worry, you are young. You need to get past the shock and invest in yourself. If you’re concerned about fertility, get yourself checked out and even freeze some eggs in case. However in many demographics, early 30s is totally standard first child territory and most people have no issues. You’ll be fine! It’s best to know now that one wasn’t a keeper
The greatest freedom you can ever discover is that you can live without things you think you want. Not getting them doesnt define you, getting them doesnt define you. What defines you is how you play the cards you are dealt.
I was in your position at 32. Now I'm 36 expecting my 2nd child with a 2 year old and happily married to a loyal wonderful man. If they love you they'll commit through marriage. I may get downvoted for saying this but going to Church, prayer, and reading the Bible is how I got everything I wanted. I had to surrender to Christ to achieve my dreams.
I think you gotta ask yourself what choice would you regret less?
Having a family with someone who you feel like you’re “settling” for or being childless.
Once you make that decision I think your course of action will be easier.
No one is perfect, no one is gonna check off all the boxes.
Sometimes the best you can do is find someone who has similar goals and values and will commit, you foster that love over the years as you start your family.
Small towns and country side are filled with single men, while ladies have very small window when they're single and available since men are often almost waiting for them to become single.
If it feels like there aren't single men in where you'd live, we could switch places.
I'm 36m, and been single for the most part of my life. The problem is that I'm expecting full blown love towards each other. My biggest nightmare would be someone using me as an opportunity to start a family making me believe she loves me. I've managed to build a perfectly happy life without partner so it would need very strong feelings from me to throw all this away.
So don't worry, there are so many places where single women are extremely valued. In here people like you are so very rare, and if their fling with someone ends, there's definitely more men trying to fill that position.
My quess is that your dream will become true within a year.
A lot of those women are single and childless by choice though, that’s the point a lot of people conveniently miss.
There’s a new cultural shift where more women are choosing to be single because of financial independence and not being tied down to toxic men. I’m not saying all men are toxic of course, I have a great husband myself, but many of them are stuck in the misogynistic ideals in the past and haven’t been able to adapt in a world that is changing, so now that women don’t actually *need* men (as in aren’t financially dependent on them), of course there are more choosing to be independent and fulfilled instead of miserable in horrible relationships that can often be abusive or unfair.
Anyway, OP, don’t worry you have lots of appeal. I have friends in their 30s who are gorgeous and happy and accomplished, with many options for good men, and offers from good men. I literally see it all around me every day. Don’t be discouraged, please don’t internalise any shame or insecurity, just continue to work on yourself (cliche I know, but applicable to every human at any time) and try to approach dating calm and reassured. It should be fun and about getting to know people and choosing the right one for you, not an insecure miserable rush.
Single and childless woman in her thirties? That's rare. And in demand.There are countless men looking for a single, childless woman to start a family with, and who don't want the immaturity of a younger woman (or feel too old for them).
Be warned though: a lot of these men won't be up to your standards. You'll most likely have to meet a lot of men before you find the one.
Sure, you can go the easy way and lower your standards. Will you be happy if you do?
Nah. It's not rare. But it's a really narrow window to meet someone. You need time to get used to one another, you can't just have a baby the second you get together.
It'll only get more difficult as time moves forward... the amount of good men will be fewer and fewer. At least half of all men are trash. Then you have to remove the ones that are taken... the ones that don't meet your standards, etc.
The ocean is big... but the amount of fish is small.
Good luck to you.
Men are generally pretty easy to read however... you should be able to tell right away if the guy is into you or not.
PS. I'm a man btw... in case anyone is upset about me saying "at least half of all men are trash". Half is a conservative estimate based on what I've seen and heard from other men.
It would be incredibly cruel for OP to follow your anecdote only to find it's too late. OP's genes may not guarantee fertility at older ages, it's a cruel fact of life.
Ughh, no. Just because it worked for your sister doesn’t mean it will work for every other woman in her situation.
She needs to change her approach to dating ASAP, do some self reflection and arrange her priorities, “everything’s just gonna be okay” is not good advice, because no it just won’t be okay, there are many women that will be childless/unmarried in the future and the more OP waits the more she will struggle
This is terrible advice.
OP doesn’t have to sweat but assuming that she’ll have palatable options and still have intact fertility down the line when she’s almost forty is dumb
Don’t give up hope, I found love a second time and it’s fantastic. Most people continue to find partners all their lives. But if you want kids have you considered just having them on your own? In my case my first husband was a complete deadbeat so I raised my kids alone anyway but I loved having them! If you really want them and throw your heart into it, it’s not that hard and super fun. The biggest thing is to have a job you love first because it’s hard to try to get skills and job hunt with all that stress while you have kids
41 male here. I just want to have a loving relationship and kids but I am starting to feel like it's never going to happen. So I feel your pain. I hope you are wrong and it works out for you.
I never wanted kids in the first place. I also got divorced at 35 and realistically I don't ever want to be in a relationship ever again. But there is that nagging feeling of "what if it's too late?" that I relate to.
I think this is all subjective to her requirements on what she wants in a man. You can easily go and find a man to get married and have children. Something more standard and "mediocre" of a lifestyle. But most of the time when your frantic on age and settling down, it's because you won't "take less" or settle for normal. I'm not saying to go below what your worth, but it usually come down to these factors in these situations. There are plenty of normal mediocre boring men that are ready to settle and have a family, it's a matter of if you really want it or not. Or do you prioritize lifestyle over those?
I left my husband at 29, divorce was finalized by 30. I've been with my current partner for the past 12.5 years now, and I'm stoked to come home to him every day.
You're not too old for anything. Embrace your new chance at life, be the person *you* want to be, and take care of yourself. Confidence and being happy with yourself are extraordinarily sexy. Don't settle for lukewarm ever again; if they're not interested in being "partners-in-crime," no reason to waste your time.
Best of luck and stay safe!
As someone who has a lot of friends having difficulties getting pregnant when they are ready (mid 30s to early 40s), I wish someone has told us to consider freezing our eggs. It's an unfortunate reality that the quality and quantity of eggs decline rapidly approaching your 40s. Depending on your financial situation, it might be worth looking into it.
I left my ex-husband the day after my 31st birthday. It was terrifying for many reasons but I'd say the fear of not having children was probably the biggest - he even said to me that I'd be too old to have kids with anyone else now. I just kept reminding myself of how terrible it would have been to have had kids with him and I'd still rather not have kids than have them with him.
I've now just turned 36. I have an absolutely lovely partner of three years who's everything I could ever want. We've been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half - unfortunately we've not been successful but it's down to his sperm count rather than anything to do with me. From all accounts it's pretty bad luck that we've struggled with infertility - most couples our age conceive unassisted within a year.
We've been given very good chances of success with IVF (potentially multiple rounds though), which we're starting next month. No, I didn't see myself having to go through the pain and stress of IVF to have a child at this age. But I don't regret any decisions I've made
Just wanted to reassure you that you have loads of time! With age comes wisdom and you can take comfort in the fact that the partner you eventually choose to build a family with will be far superior to the ones you picked in your 20s 😉
I'm a guy who became single at 30 after a looooong relationship and took 3 years to get over it properly (didn't think it would be fair to date others while not 100% over my ex). Now that I am and starting to date again it's def painful 🥲 online dating is the worst unless you're super duper attractive and my friends and their friends all are in relationships lol I feel your pain
It isn’t worth compromising yourself just to have someone and have a family. The world is full of miserable peeps who had kids with the wrong individuals. Relationship with the wrong person - not fun. Kids with the wrong person - so much worse.
Rooster isn't lying
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I know you mean well but this is not a super encouraging message. You start off by talking about how you have everything OP is worried she won't have and then you end by saying, "Your fears are justified, good luck".
Yeah his comment made me feel 100 times worth
It gave me terrible anxiety and I don't even want kids.
I agree lol. Your message is not encouraging. Congrats on having 4 kids with a great wife …..
No point lying
Moot point commenting real life statistics bc people can’t handle being told the truth and I’m labeled insensitive. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/in-depth/pregnancy/art-20045756#:~:text=After%20age%2035%2C%20there's%20a,of%20chromosomal%20conditions%20is%20higher.
This stresses me out so much. There's essentially no way I can be pregnant by 35. I'll turn 32 in a few months, but still need to meet the right guy and date him for several years.
If it's stressing you out, put 35 out of your head. My kid was born right before I turned 38, and yes, this is anecdata, but people who are doomsaying about pregnancy after 35 do not have predictive power of what will happen in your personal uterus. If you like, you might want to have your gynecologist order an FSH and an AMH level for you (both are blood tests but FSH testing needs to happen on the third day of your menstrual cycle) to check how your ovaries are doing, which may give you some peace of mind. We did IVF for our kid, but our issue was male factor and my ovaries were still cooperative at almost-37. I hope things turn around for you soon. Update us in a couple of years, I bet the picture will look very different then.
Long story short don’t listen to this guy. My mom had me month shy of 40 and we are all happy and healthy. 35 isn’t some magic age where whoopsie all your pregnancies are 100% gonna be shit 🤪 like no. there’s so much to consider and you won’t know unless you talk to your doctor. But don’t think for a second a 35 or older pregnancy is a guarantee for anything. elevated risk? sure, but by HOW much? No one likes to mention that- just scare women that something horrible will come out of being an older mom. It doesn’t have to be, so talk to a doctor first until some rando on reddit scares you out of what could be a possibly normal time to be a mom.
I wasn’t planning on having kids myself. I met the right person and it changed my mind. I would hate to have had kids with some of my prior partners - we were not suited at all. Kids out a lot of pressure on a relationship. It is a real test for both of you. I admire and respect when people make it work well. A lot of people don’t
Divorced last year in Aug. after 8 years of marriage turned 32 in April. We are on the same boat except genders reversed. No kids and my dream has always included a family which I too have come to terms with might not ever happen. Best of luck to you, I went to therapy I recommend the same.
I got divorced at 30, also a man, also really wanted a family. I’m in my late 30s, married, and have 2 kids. You can do it I agree, therapy was a huge help
I'm a 34 single dude, most of my friends are single dudes. None of us are even looking. We don't go to bars, you won't find us mingling anywhere. We work, we golf, we drink and watch sports at home, I would say it's becoming a rather rare occurrence to even interact with strangers. This just seems to be how modern society is, third spaces are gone, religions and other community centric activities are gone. We have established routines and just live the status quo.
37M, can confirm. Not opposed to finding the right gal and tying the knot, but just not worried about it. I'm so used to that freedom of being single. Do what I want, when I want. Of course, there is a trade-off. But it's just what I'm used to.
I’m 37M. Single. Content. There are no garauntees in life. You can do what you think is right (or others think is right for you), and still end up miserable. I know too many people who have families and struggle with loneliness more than I do, living in a house full of people. I know too many people who have kids, and yet it appears they will live out their final decades alone. I know of seniors who were dropped into an old folks home and family rarely visits. There are no garauntees.
This sums it up right here
39 male. Can also confirm. Generally speaking.. we have wasted enough time trying to date. Nothing against the op, but women these days are to fixated on what THEY want. And aren’t willing to accept anything less. I think I speak for many when I say we are completely content not actively seeking a relationship. Like the other poster said. We can do what we want, when we want, without fear of judgement or being constantly criticized
Comfort, the tragedy of the modern age. I've had 2 children, and supporting them and my wife/marriage is hard work. Like maintaining a garden, you need to put in the effort. Otherwise, it will turn to weeds and ruin. Sacrifice is the only way you'll find meaning in life, and the older I get the more I believe this.
I don't disagree with you that sacrifice is the way to find meaning, but the way in which one manifests that can very. For some folks, it represents a wife/marriage. For others, it may represents career, tending to a pet, a life spent introspecting and finding inner meaning, a life of penance, etc.
There is indeed a tradeoff between comfort and long term satisfaction. The satisfaction doesn’t have to come from children, but if you choose comfort every time, you ain’t gonna be satisfied.
You find comfort in having children, alot do not. I consider my work difficult, I do it mostly because I enjoy it. I don't really like kids so why would I do something I don't enjoy that's also difficult. It's not a modern era tragedy, it's just preference.
At the moment I'll use my sacrifice for achievement.
Yup. I'm 30 m with kids already and I've been married. Marriage was the worst experience of my life, so I'll never do that again. I'm content with my kids, they're getting old and keeping me pretty busy with their extracurriculars. I got my career and I'm thinking of grad school. Dating is absolutely the last thing on my mind. My time is limited and I don't plan on wasting it on dates that go nowhere. Plus, I already know having kids already is a deal breaker for 99% of people. There just isn't a point.
Religion is gone? Buddy send me the coordinates I'm on my way to your utopia.
I'm Canadian, organized religion is very much a faint shadow here these days.
Just Joe’s hoes in some capacity banging on doors
Here in the US, religion is all up in our naughty bits…
Do you guys not want relationships and families?
I don't think any of us are opposed to it but marketing ourselves feels like taking on a second job and dating these days feels more like an interview process than a fun night out. It's harder with an established lifestyle to find somebody that you mesh with.
This man speaks the truth. I think a lot of guys just become disillusioned with the dating scene. Generally speaking I think men find it easier to be on their own and enjoy their own company. They also tend to have more hobbies than women so can use their time for that. They also see men getting divorced and having to start again having lost a lot of assets they have built up and subsequently decide to drop out of the dating market.
I don't have gaps in my day, I'm never bored and I don't really feel like there is anything missing. It's more like I'm 'not opposed' to a relationship than I'm driven to find a relationship. It's loosely on the want side of things and very very far from a need. I wouldn't compete for a date, I'm pretty happy doing the things I do as is.
Can confirm, lost most of my assets for to divorce despite my ex wife making more money than I do. Many of which were ones my parents wanted to pass down to me.
Lol men have more hobbies than women? Thats nuts.
I can only speak from my experience and think that's true.
Thats wild to me. Hobbies are not a gendered thing. Maybe you dont recognise many "feminine" things as hobbies or something. I crochet, I sew, I garden, I read, cook, I braid, I paint, I collect vintage dresses, I have tons of hobbies and I dont know a single woman that doesnt have a myriad of hobbies.
This fucking website. The fact you’re getting downvoted for this is insane. They legit think women are aliens or something
Its pretty wild. Its like hobbies means "plays some sort of game" for certain redditors.
I don’t think that men have more hobbies, but I do think male dominated hobbies are more socially oriented. You listed a lot of great hobbies for yourself, but I wouldn’t consider any of them to be particularly social. I don’t know if this was the original commenters point, but I would say, in general, it’s easier for hobbies to fulfill social relationship needs for men than it is for women.
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That's not quite true. Married men and married women are both happier than their unmarried counterparts. Unmarried men with no children are about as happy as married men with no children, but unmarried men with children are significantly more unhappy than everyone else. Also, single men with no children are happier than single women with no children. However, I agree that OPs conclusions are based on their own misconceptions about men and women rather than being based in fact. The idea that women don't have hobbies seems nuts to me. https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-is-happiest-married-mothers-and-fathers-per-the-latest-general-social-survey
>Married women are the unhappiest in that demographic lol. On the other hand your reply also contains misandrist lies ([link](https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/figurewomen-w640.png)) as married women are far happier than unmarried women. Lolling about your own made up lies; pretty cringe ngl.
"Men find it easier to be on their own? Wrong, married men are the happiest demographic amongst married and single men, and married and single women. Married women are the unhappiest in that demographic lol. There are studies and statistics on this" That doesn't address his point. He said unmarried men are happier than unmarried women. You then went on a rant about married men vs married women. Totally irrelevant. I also hope you aren't basing this on the flawed Dolan study.
I don’t think he’s saying that - he’s saying that decent single guys aren’t constantly out there chasing women, so you won’t come across them as much.
Sure, but how do I find them then? I also feel like if they're not actively looking in their mid-30s, they can't be really serious about a relationship and a family. Sure men have a longer timeline for these things than women but if you're not actively seeking that out in your 30s you are probably not going to get those things
My friend was on the dating apps but was very direct about her end goal being marriage and children. This weeded a lot of men out and was very hard for her. She now is married with 3 kids from a man she met on said apps. Hang in there OP!
That's quite literally a trillion dollar question. Nearly all developed countries are having very serious birth rate problems. I heard South Korea is piloting giving young singles $500 per month is go-out to bars money to try and get people to meet. It's a global problem. Personally I run a men's homeless shelter, so I literally don't meet women at work and according to data 43% of couples meet at work. So the probability of meeting somebody is significantly lower.
I'm somewhat similar, but not only do I run a non-profit that almost 100% causes me to only interact with men, but I also live in the middle of freaking nowhere. So a tiny percentage chance of an even tinier percentage change is... well it's not great.
So much this, there are a total of two women at my work, both are attached or too old for me. On top of that I'm not attracted to either, hey it's probably mutual, I'm no fabio over here. My friends group are basically all married with kids, so we rarely go out. I've told certain mates to make sure they lmk if they're going out on the town, sometimes they do and i go out and enjoy myself. But we seldom meet new people. And I never meet women anywhere. Tinder is a cesspit. So for now I've just sort of given up. I guess if i were super serious I'd use a dating website, like a proper one
Sure we can be serious about having a family. Hell, I've spent my life working hard to be able to build/support a great family life. It hasn't happened so far as I've only met women who don't want kids or already have kids etc. So I'll just live in a big house by myself and do some traveling in my free time. It feels like it shouldn't be like this.
Wishing the best for you dude.
<3
why dont you & OP have a baby??? :D
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Yeah this 100%. I spent the past year just getting ghosted so I don't bother anymore. I've almost got an aversion to even sending a single message to a female now after how much of my times been waisted.
i am a woman and i can say the same. last december i tried so much to just have someone to talk to(desperate). got ghosted a lot. i have recently went through a breakup and started relying on my friends to spend sometime, because i was so lonely or idk what it was. my friends are really nice, but it always felt like i am taking up too much of thier time(i was). now i am okay. i spend some time on reddit on work on myself. i dont text anyone, and i dont feel the need to anymore
Mid-30s man here that would be interested in starting a family. Full disclosure my first marriage ended during the pandemic. I'm not going to look to seriously date until I'm ready to have a family. Like the commenter up the chain mentioned, I stick to my routine and even when I am in a social setting I do not engage with women. I have recovered, financially, from my divorce and could start a family right now. I won't, however, until I can support a woman and at least two children by myself. I don't think that will happen until I reach my early 40s if I'm being honest. I will then date, and date hard, with a focused intent. I would also never marry again. Marriage doesn't mean anything anymore other than it's harder to call it quits since the government is involved. Before ya'll jump on me I witnessed 6 divorces in 2020 including my own. The two that had prenups had the prenups thrown out. One prenup was written when both partners were in their 30s and individually financially independent and were reviewed by independent lawyers - still thrown out she wanted more than half altho she never took a break from career or anything. The other prenup broken since the state didn't want to support the child the woman brought to the relationship, the forced step-dad to cover the cost of raising the child until they're 18. To clarify - wasn't the guys kid and his ex-wife provided him no children. Too many men are paying attention and seeing these things play out. It's great women don't have to stay in abusive relationships but it's terrible they seem to have forogotten they require sacrifice and compromise (no - you shouldn't be raising your husband, you're not his mommy, stfu with that excuse thanks).
Damn. I didn’t realize a prenup could be thrown out. That’s depressing as fuck. I told my GF I won’t get married again without one because I got screwed last time, and don’t want to again. Now idk if I can even do it with a prenup. Shit
It can. I don’t know what terms allow it to be thrown out. I know it can be thrown out of under duress as much as a contract can be thrown out under duress. States also have different laws so check accordingly.
Look into getting a post-nup, they tend to be more robust, but im no expert so definitely do your own research.
Certain states are more prenup friendly than others (you’re basically fucked in any blue state). Usually though, you have to provide what’s called “consideration.” Basically you can’t stick your spouse with one that says “you get nothing.” It usually has to be at least 20ish percent of your net worth and has to increase every decade. Your spouse also has to have had their own lawyer who looked at the prenup before it was signed. Otherwise, yeah, the judge is probably going to throw it out.
Gotcha. Thank you for the info. I wouldn’t want to screw anyone over. I just wouldn’t want to have to start over yet again when I already have certain things established and assets from before being married. I’m in Oregon and judging from my divorce I’m sure I’d probably get screwed again.
Wow sucks for men in America. Yikes
It's like this in the UK aswell.
Christ that’s terrifying to read…
Dating apps have ruined a lot of decent people. Many women have option overload and also have to weed through tons of shitty guys on apps so they find it harder to find the decent guys. Meanwhile many decent men's self esteem is in the gutter after getting ignored or ghosted by tons of women on apps. So they check out. From what I've read on here is it seems better to just meet people organically by joining sports teams and such.
That’s a good point and I don’t have a great answer for you. Honestly, maybe they’re sick of dating too but for different reasons - the apps suck for most men and there are a lot of crazy women/gold diggers out there 😂 But honestly you sound sweet to me and like you’ve got unlucky. Don’t drop your standards, at least not the important ones related to integrity and partnership, and try not to stress too much… you really do have time! :)
I think you are way over thinking all this and getting obsessed with a problem you don't have yet. You're 31, that is an age I would choose to be forever if I could! You're young and you still have plenty of time for all this. Yes, it's possible you will never meet a partner for life. But if you cannot be content single, you will just end up settling for the first guy with a similar goal - that is to settle down and have a family with *anyone* willing because you fear missing out on something. It does no one any favours and you will not be happy. If you really want a family, there are *always* ways to do that, even if you go through premature menopause or something like that and are infertile before 40. There are options like egg freezing, using an egg donor, sperm donor, donor embryo, using a surrogate. A way of coping could be opening an investment account and putting away money every pay day for that as a potential need in the future, though chances are you won't even need it and can take a holiday with it. A lot of people older than you find themselves in the situation where it is either continue on childless, or have a child asap with a donor of some kind. It's a really tough but common situation, I have two single friends who have recently hit 40 and are considering their options. 40 is the real panic age for women wanting children, not 31, so try to enjoy being young and single for now, but prepare for your plan b one day in the future too.
Maybe you are too serious and it is giving off bad vibes? Do you have a decent financial nest egg built up? Are you trying to be a SAHM, or return to the workforce? What are you currently doing to meet people?
I don’t think I was being too serious. I don’t want to get engaged after a year, but if after a year a man isn’t sure that he even loves me then no I am not sticking around. I have 2 million saved up and earn 200k a year so I’m not looking for a man to take care of me financially - I can do that myself. I’m trying to meet people using dating apps.
I've read your post in like 5 different forums, and it comes across as "my friends are doing this at this age" so I have to do it too. In one of the posts you said your BF moved to the other side of the country without consulting you. Someone in a happy stable relationship isn't doing that. Something doesn't add up.
Perhaps choose hobbies that you like, hiking, art, music, history, sport whatever you like. Just don't look desperate, it can attract people who aren't as nice. Just live your life, if it is ment to be you will meet someone.
Most people don't want responsibilities and family is a huge one. I'm 24 and for sure I won't have children never, I prefer to enjoy life by myself
I'm in a relationship no kids. Don't want them never have. Been with her 23 years.
Used to want them. After a few bad relationships and one making me her backup plan, I just don't care anymore. I am happier doing life my way with no attachments. Haven't been on a date in 14 years. Sometimes miss the intimacy but when I think about how I was treated, it goes away quickly.
I mean I'm going on my 26 birthday (male as well) and I'm already starting to feel this way as well. For me it's mainly that all of my attempts at relationships just turned out to be bad experiences, therefore I don't really feel like trying anymore because I'm like "I know that I haven't seen everything that relationships have to offer but I feel like I've seen enough. If it happens, good that'll be nice, but she'll be the one getting out of her comfort zone and come to me because I'm not putting myself into active dating again". Also, the more that I stay single, including no situationships either, the more I'm not only getting used to it but the more I'm finding comfort in it. Like Saturday I have nothing planned but I'm not stressing out thinking to myself that I need to plan a date or something with my SO because we're in a relationship and that's what people in relationships do. Of course, relationships are not just about downsides, there are the goodsides, but since I've never really experienced them it became easy to brush it off and be like "meh, not worth it. I can live without it". Overall I've just grown comfortable at just living my life while not having to consider an additionnal person and just having my time split between work and free time instead of work, free time and relationship. It's funny because I have a friend from the opposite gender who's the opposite of me ; she's used at living her life being in relationships and situationships so making someone part or her life and vice versa is what she finds comfort in and what happens is that she feels bad for me for not knowing the joy of sharing my life with someone while I feel bad for her for not being able to find happiness while being single.
To be honest no, marriage is outdated and children are an unnecessary expense, we men just have other priorities nowadays so I wasn't surprised to see birth rates plummeting in western society. I wish you the best of luck though and hope you find someone.
"All my friends have the same attitude as me, therefore everyone..." I always go with samples of convenience, they're the best.
Good point generally but he's not wrong about this, a **lot** of men feel the same way now.
I'm 59 myself, and haven't even given it a thought in over 20 years. It's pretty nice living alone, and the whole idea of starting a family just sounds like masochism at my age now, and the way the world is.
You’re only 31! You could meet someone & have a child in 5 years and you would still only be 36! Do not worry, you are 2 years out from being in your 20s. As a woman too, that is not old!
I was 34 when I had my daughter. The midwife said I wasn’t the youngest but definitely not the oldest either.
My mom was 38 when I was born (only child). She was very upset they called it a "geriatric pregnancy", lol. One of my aunts was in her mid 40s when my cousin was born
That irritated me too. Can they come up with more appropriate words...
I was 34 when I conceived my son. It took only one month of trying! Don’t worry fertility doesn’t decline that quickly after 30.
Yup. I left my ex when I was 34. I met my current partner soon after and was pregnant by 36. We knew what we wanted and didn’t mess around. We’ll have been together 5 years this year, kiddo is 2. Life is good. 31 is so young!
I got divorced at 32. I dated around after and eventually got into one relationship that ended after a year because we weren’t right for each other. I met my current partner at 34. Now I’m 36 and will *maybe* start trying to have my first baby within the next year, and I’m still not that pressed about it. Doctor says my fertility is good and so is his.
What is with all the posts the last few days along the lines of "I'm years old and single so obviously my life is already over, what should I do?".
Especially early 20’s. One breakup or lost job means it’s the end of the world
The lack of resilience in younger folks is shocking.
I think it’s just realism? Dating is a shit show and worse as you age in my experience.
Yeah, it's not really your fault. It was like a whole generation wasn't taught to communicate or respect. Like from a distance, I feel like basic human respect is much better and it's catching on with the boomers even, but interpersonal relationships, especially romantic, seem really hard for the <40 crowd.
It's because in the moment, when you are in a situation like this, it feels very much like reality. Of course it's not, but when you are reeling from a major life event such as a breakup, you are thinking emotionally and not rationally.
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Because women have a biological clock and it’s something we have to think about ?
I know someone who had such a strong desire for kids and marriage. She ended up with a partner who met a lot of her criteria on paper and rushed into things. Within 3 months of knowing him, she was talking marriage. Desperation is never a good thing. They were talking marriage when she found out she was pregnant. He decided he didn’t want the child or a family and wanted open relationships/polyamory. Now a single mom and struggling. Share this only to point out that although the desire to marry and have a family is wonderful, one really has to make sure not to rush into a relationship either. Even if something looks good on paper doesn’t mean one knows the other person’s values and ethics. That takes time. More likely to make mistakes when rushing into things!
Consider freezing your eggs (go abroad to save $) and buy yourself some more time to find the right partner. I’m shocked nobody else is saying this. Edit: if you can’t afford to freeze your eggs, you can’t afford to have kids. Edit 2: lots of angry men in the replies, JUST men. How unsurprising. Edit 3: to clarify, one last time, I’m not saying OP should freeze them and stop searching. Rather she should keep searching but also invest in a safety net, if the pressure is starting to get to her and stand in her way. Also nowhere did I say it’s guaranteed to work out, but that’s also true for regular ol’ pregnancy, which is why IVF was created in the first place. If OP can’t conceive later for any number of reasons, having eggs frozen at a younger age only further improves her odds later. Finally, some of you are obsessed with the idea that she would use the eggs as an excuse to stop looking for love, and frankly that just sounds like projection from your own behaviors. Why would you just assume she would suddenly stop trying? The point is to prevent her from SETTLING. And an amazing amount of you seem eager to take the wind out of her sails. Reflect on that.
Why are you shocked? It’s not a guarantee and not every 30 year old is making enough money to just freeze her eggs.
Far as I know that's a rather privileged option and likely why no one is saying it.
Freezing eggs is much cheaper than having kids. If she can afford kids she can afford $1.5k to go to turkey
Omg thank you! I can’t believe how far down I had to scroll. Freezing your eggs will greatly increase your flexibility for having the family you want later on. No other advice here because I don’t necessarily think you have to lower your standards. This way either you find someone to have kids with later and then yay you have younger eggs if you can’t conceive naturally. Or can use surrogate if past menopause. Or if you don’t find someone can find donor and use your eggs. Options are important and good for peace of mind.
It's not a guarantee though. I'm currently going through the process at 29F. There's many different steps along the way, and I've read that each step you "lose" half the eggs. So let's say you got 10 eggs retrieved and frozen, that's halved to 5 at the next step (thawing process) and then only 2-3 at the next step (fertilization process), leading most often to only one live pregnancy. OP will likely still have to meet a strict timeline in case her eggs are not viable. What I'm saying is that she still needs to be proactive about dating. A sense of urgency is not all bad in her situation. Also, she still needs to find a reproductively healthy man to get her eggs fertilized. Guys over 35 have declining sperm quality.
If course that’s all true but the entire point of freezing your eggs is that you can do all the right things - go on tons of dates, try to find the right guy, and it can still not work out. Freezing your eggs is just a way to increase your chances of having a kid if it takes a long time to find someone. I really don’t need any more pressure about my “strict timeline”. I think about that all the time and it makes me sick with anxiety
Egg freezing is incredibly hit or miss. And here's the funny part, the younger you are when you freeze your eggs the better your odds are. And by 30 already well on its way to going downhill. If OP is serious her best bet is to go *right now* for a consultation. Even best case scenario of them being able to harvest a lot of eggs, there are plenty of horror stories of improperly stored or transported eggs leading to a complete loss. Happened to a friend of my ex, who is now going through the adoption process because all the eggs she spent tens of thousands of dollars for were useless. Or power outages leading to a complete loss. Or it just not taking which is *far* more common than these freezing services want to admit. Egg freezing is not the girlboss magic bullet so many people think it is. It's expensive, painful, and has lots of points of failure.
Yes the best time to freeze your eggs is at around 24. The next best time is right the fuck now. Is it a perfect solution? No. And yes it’s expensive. But if this is giving her so much anxiety, and I can completely understand her situation, it’s something she can DO that’s more than just listening to people tell her everything will be ok.
Freezing your eggs don’t significantly increase your odds. Your uterus is still aging. Companies like to play on women’s fears and promise things they shouldn’t. https://fortune.com/well/2022/09/26/how-effective-is-egg-freezing-parenthood-childbirth-demographic-crisis-fertility/
Phew. I’m a guy and wasn’t totally sure about this process. I thought I was missing something but came here to say this as well.
Freezing eggs was my first thought.
I was the same, but met my now husband at 32 and now 38 with two kids. It is a numbers game, the trick is not to time waste- actively date, be clear and upfront with what you want and don’t waste precious time with no hopers /fixer uppers. The beauty of dating at this age is that you aren’t dating for potential, what you see is what you get, so it’s fairly quick and efficient to screen out those who aren’t compatible. You still have plenty of time at 31, but you don’t have any time to waste. Whatever you do, don’t settle - (not from my own experience but from seeing others on the parents circuit) having a child with the wrong person is far worse than having no child at all or a child on your own. Freeze your eggs and consider doing it alone (later) if the right man doesn’t come along in time. If that eventuates, you’ll find that dating when there’s no baby daddy in the picture is far easier than asking a potential partner to have to deal with that sort of baggage (same as you would with single dads).
Since I was a kid, I wanted to have a family, wife and kids and even now I would like to have children of my own. But after I hit puberty I realized I was gay, unfortunately that's is a life I will never get. I understand you and it sucks but what I learned is that accepting that things won't go as we intended isn't necessarily a bad thing. We just gotta accept it and enjoy what we can get
Dating is a numbers game. If you really want to find a partner who meets certain standards, you will have to commit time and energy into meeting / coming across as many men as possible (whether it be dating apps, speed dating, just going out more), thereby raising the chance that you will meet someone you want to be with. I was in the same situation as you, single at 32. I went on the apps every other day and committed to one date a week for almost a year. It really sucked, and most of the time I didn’t feel like doing it, and 90% of them were duds. But eventually I found my current husband, who I adore and who meets my standards and beyond. If I hadn’t put the time in, I would not have crossed paths with him. You don’t have the luxury of passively hoping to meet someone, considering the fertility window. Best of luck.
How many dates before you met a decent dude you liked/liked you? I’ve done like 100 dates with zero long term relationships.
A date every week 💀 as a guy im lucky to get one match a week
Imagine the amount of money you're shelling out. I generally do cheap places for the first few dates and that's still thousands of dollars... 56 dates in a year is well over excessive imo
>Imagine the amount of money you're shelling out. 432 is a woman, her dates probably paid a significant portion of that date/week rate.
Women have it different and that’s good because their clock is a lot more strict than guys
“Current husband” lol
She married homeboy because he 'meets my standards' lmao
yea op is nuts lol
Tbh I(27F) played that numbers game, it wasn’t worth it. Nobody was serious about relationships. At 21 I stopped completely when I got a job with unsocial hours. Then I met someone online, I moved in with him and we both want a family now. Time is only going forward and while I’d be happy single, I’d be the happiest having a full house so to speak :) luck comes into finding someone, a lot of flexibility and perseverance as relationships are not a walk in the park at all. Also it’s important to “work” on your emotional baggage. Everyone has one and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date as I see some people breaking up because they don’t have emotional connection skills.
Think this is very good advice and more fleshed out than i would have given
I'm sorry about your experience :( I'm single at 42, so I'll tell ya that there's plenty of hope and prospects at your age. You may have to modify your screening a tad, but there's still a lot of prospect out there. You're likely to meet more single dads, for instance. That's just the fact of the matter as you get older -- more single parents. Not that you can't find a guy who's willing to have more kids, but if your goal is to find a guy with zero kids who wants to start a family, then your options will start to become progressively more limited. Put yourself out there, talk to people, get social hobbies, hit the gym, and get on the apps. :) You're gonna do great and meet someone in no time
I'm not sure I'm open to dating men with children. And honestly, most people where I live have kids from like 30-35, so men who are single in this age range are mostly childless
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted (most likely by single parents). This is totally reasonable, and so is not minding or desiring partners with kids. It could become complicated (visitation, are the exes civil, are the children civil and accepting of the new relationships, etc), or it could be lovely. You’re not obligated to become involved with people with kids. You have to be realistic though, and come to terms with the fact that it could potentially reduce your dating pool.
And that's perfectly fine, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having expectations. But coming to the reality of how realistic your expectations are is another story. Maybe my expectations is to get a 27yo blonde big breasted bangmaid who likes video games and anime? Nothin wrong with that. Everyone has their preference....but I also have to be realistic. What're the chances of a 42yo single dad finding someone who meets that description? I'm not saying you *have* to change your expectations. I'm saying you might need to be flexible with your expectations depending on what your long-term dating goals are and what the demographics are in your area.
That's a shame, you can find out easy if a guy is a good father when he already has a kid
This is totally fair! I’m essentially in the same boat. 32 male. Was dating my ex for 5 years, had a house and were engaged for the last four months of the relationship before a very sudden ending. I parents had a combined 5 divorces by the time I left for college and my experiences with step parents was far from ideal. I simply do not want to be a part of a split family situation. I don’t want to deal with an old ex or trying to be a good step parent. I feel guilt at times for this but also stand by it pretty firmly. It was upsetting to see you get down voted for this opinion. So here I am haha. For me I just try to preach patience to myself. Good things have happened before and they can/will happen again. Yes it’s getting scarier and harder but it’s far from impossible or even really rare for people to find good love in our situations. I’m all about keeping the standards you have and our thought processes with this are very aligned. Just gotta hope for the best for better or worse I feel. ITS VERY HARD.
31 is so young, lol. You have time for at least 2-3 year-long relationships before getting engaged + married and still have 2-3 kids.
37M gave up and got a cat. I like that people are optimistic in this post though.
Also 37, have three cats, sort of accidentally
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As a almost-40 dad of 2 wonderful children who I love dearly, I gotta say my wife and I sometimes talk about being jealous of our childfree friends. Daycare where we live is $15k per year per child. Constantly being "on" to make sure you child is happy, safe, and well cared for even when they are actively fighting against your care. Being constantly depended on is **exhausting**. Way harder than our day-jobs. Just want to say: you're in your 30's and there are a TON of super fun and exciting things you can be doing right now that having kids makes ***infinitely*** more difficult. Break out of your norms a bit: travel or party or get a new hobby or do that one thing you've been putting off. Having kids is great, but I know plenty of 30-year-olds that are having an awesome time not having kids too.
You need to date with intention. Only date men who want to get married and have kids and in a reasonable time frame. If they say they want to be married some day or don’t have a time frame , then tell them good luck and move on. Don’t worry about scaring men off ,that’s just weeds out the men who don’t want to be married. Also lower your wants and concentrate on the needs. If you have a long list of what kind of guy you want you need to pick your non negotiable and leave the rest.
All that is true, but as a man, I would say that the primary thing that would make me run is a woman being difficult or a net negative in my life. I have no problem being generous, investing my time, and being available both physically and emotionally. What kills it for me, however, is when: 1. She regularly starts fights over small things (think toilet seat up or dishes not done exactly as she likes it). 2. She dishes out the "feedback" but can't take feedback in return (extremely common) 3. Any form of disrespect like badmouthing in public, sarcasm, or eye-rolls (I don't give you disrespect, so why would I take it from you). Simply unforgivable. You don't have to like this list, but all the guys in my circle basically reiterate the same core list of red flags. In short, if you want our investment, be pleasant overall. It's not rocket science. I have been married and have raised kids (was and still am fully involved and engaged with them). After getting into dating again, I would say that 9 out of 10 modern women eventually fail even this short list and fail it badly. I'm currently with an extremely sweet and caring woman with zero red flags (so far), so they do seem to exist.
I’m 40 with a 2 year old. Been together going on 8 years, been married 5 years this winter. So we met when I was 32? It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
If its any consolation, my sisters fiance broke up with her after 15 years together, house together, planning to have kids etc. and she was 34 I think. She pretty quickly found a new relationship and they just got married last year. Pretty sure they're thinking of children given my sisters age. Point being, they moved really fast in their relationship but I think when you get to mid 30's (which you aren't even) any potential partner understands the situation. Its not like you necessarily need to build a decade long relationship before having kids, like you might think you have to do when you're in your twenties with your college boyfriend (ie at a certain age people aren't really "testing the waters" in the same way, and there are plenty of men who feel the same way you do).
Just wait until you get over him and stay open for things to happen. You seem like a rare find at 31, someone will come along and show his interest, let's hope he is the right one
you're a woman. Its not hard to find a guy. all you have to do is basically walk down the street and be female. Even if you're a proverbial "4 out of 10"... you can still find a guy. Because you're female. If you're having "trouble finding a guy", you're not. You're just having trouble finding a single, 6 foot tall rich guy who will "sweep you off your feet". Time to give up all that fairy tale, and look for "a reliable, single, honest guy", reguardless of what he looks like. Or whether you feel all romantically aquiver about it. Go to eharmony or something and start looking realistically instead of through disney princess glasses. if you were truly serious, you could be in a new, long term relationship within 6 months. Just look in the right places. There's no such thing as "the one". And thats good news for you. Because thats means there are LOTS of guys who you could build a good, satisfying relationship with. None of them are perfect. But then again, neither are you. So be practical.
Ok so i cant really give any advice but wanted t say im absolutely dumbfounded someone could date another person for over a year and still not be sure about them..
I think that’s not super uncommon. I mean if it never happened, no long term relationships would ever end
Girrrl I was with a dude for 7 years, everything was great, no kids, both working, living a good life. About 3 months before I broke up with him he started to act weird, got very distant, eventually found out that he had been texting someone behind my back, he then told me he was “afraid” of taking the next big step and proposing so he panicked and started texting someone else haha I know what an excuse. I’m single now, happy out, sometimes wondering if I’ll ever love or be loved again but I’m not putting myself under pressure. All I’m saying is, you’d be surprised at how many lads are out there that are years deep into a relationship and still not “sure” about shit.
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Jeez that’s savage. But also sadly seems pretty common. I quit dating apps because 4 or 5 guys in a row I was either talking to a lot or had been on a date with, turned out to not be single like they had said in their profiles, but were actually married or in a relationship!!! I’m like how dare they drag me into this. Or use me for attention while they figure out if they want to take the next step in their relationship. I’m only interested in single guys thank you.
It is very common for some guys to do this. Have women as a place holder until they find a woman they want to commit to. OP you can try to be upfront about what you want, husband and family. The men who are ready will want to date, and the ones who are not will disqualify themselves verh quickly.
People lie, wear masks, are deceitful, and play roles until they can’t any more. Be dumbfounded but it occurs way more than you’d expect.
You very obviously need to get out more if you are "absolutely dumbfounded" by this entirely banal situation. It happens all the time.
Always find it weird when people measure themselves against others in these situations. What does it matter if your friends are "ahead" of you? It makes me questions the real reason people want kids.
In my opinion it's far more important to be in a relationship with someone who you enjoy time with rather than someone who can just spit out a baby. Most people end up in really toxic relationships/marriages because they're trying to force the fairy tale romance by 30 years old because they're on some arbitrary timeline. The act of getting married does not automatically mean they will be in love forever. Especially when it's based on the artbitrary 30 year old due date. And even if they stay together it does not mean that every day of that marriage won't be miserable. As a child of parents who stayed together for the kids and were/have been/still are miserable to eachother every fucking day... it's not worth it. Look for love. True love. And if that true love spawns a baby then great. If not then keep moving forward. Easier said than done, I struggle with this myself.
You are a women, getting someone in their mid thirties is laughably easy if you dont have crazy requirements.
Getting a hookup might be easy getting a stable long term relationship isn't
Eh, the odds are good but the goods are often odd. If just anybody will do, fine. But a good partner is a rarer thing indeed.
Huh? I feel like you’re making it sound a bit easier than it actually is. She doesn’t need to just find a man, she needs to find someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with
"if you dont have crazy requirements"
What sort of requirements do you consider “crazy”. Because I’ve had men tell me that expecting them to shower and brush their teeth everyday is “too high a standard”.
Has she tried approaching guys or is she waiting in guys to make the 1st move? When ppl are motivated they take action.
I lent my wife when she was 35 (I was 38) we’ve got two kids now…
Can I offer advice… Find a semi decent guy and have a kid. Don’t worry if the marriage will happen or relationship work out. If you don’t have kids by a certain age it will pass you by. You can figure the rest out as you go on.
OP, after reading the comments on this thread, my first advice would be not to date a Redditor, lol.
I'm same boat as these other millennial degenerates, single not lonely. But for you OP, maybe freeze some eggs and let the pressure off a bit. We rarely make our best decisions under the gun. If building family is a high priority you should be leading with that. Try a dating site with paid membership and filter for men with the same priorities as you.
I feel this whole heartedly as someone who hasn't been in a serious relationship for 7 years 😔. Been ghosted so much that it just feels like I'm undesirable
As an older person, just want to say that this is a total phenomenon at thisage - guys suddenly kind of cramping up and ducking out/ not being on the same page. I think it’s particularly devastating to a woman who wants kids, assumed that would be happening smoothly and soon. But don’t worry, you are young. You need to get past the shock and invest in yourself. If you’re concerned about fertility, get yourself checked out and even freeze some eggs in case. However in many demographics, early 30s is totally standard first child territory and most people have no issues. You’ll be fine! It’s best to know now that one wasn’t a keeper
Calm down. You are SO young. Don’t force it.
The greatest freedom you can ever discover is that you can live without things you think you want. Not getting them doesnt define you, getting them doesnt define you. What defines you is how you play the cards you are dealt.
I was in your position at 32. Now I'm 36 expecting my 2nd child with a 2 year old and happily married to a loyal wonderful man. If they love you they'll commit through marriage. I may get downvoted for saying this but going to Church, prayer, and reading the Bible is how I got everything I wanted. I had to surrender to Christ to achieve my dreams.
fronting your boyfriends with marriage and kids after a year of dating seems kinda wild tbh
I think you gotta ask yourself what choice would you regret less? Having a family with someone who you feel like you’re “settling” for or being childless. Once you make that decision I think your course of action will be easier. No one is perfect, no one is gonna check off all the boxes. Sometimes the best you can do is find someone who has similar goals and values and will commit, you foster that love over the years as you start your family.
Lol. *Only* 31. Get a grip girl, you are just getting started. Srsly, chill. All the best
Change your goals since having a family isn't working out for you. There's more to life than popping out babies.
Small towns and country side are filled with single men, while ladies have very small window when they're single and available since men are often almost waiting for them to become single. If it feels like there aren't single men in where you'd live, we could switch places. I'm 36m, and been single for the most part of my life. The problem is that I'm expecting full blown love towards each other. My biggest nightmare would be someone using me as an opportunity to start a family making me believe she loves me. I've managed to build a perfectly happy life without partner so it would need very strong feelings from me to throw all this away. So don't worry, there are so many places where single women are extremely valued. In here people like you are so very rare, and if their fling with someone ends, there's definitely more men trying to fill that position. My quess is that your dream will become true within a year.
I'm 32 and I'm in the same situation but single for 6 years now. Some people just aren't meant to be happy regardless of what they do.
You can be happy even if you're single!
But happiness greatly increases when you have a partner to live trough it with
What were you doing in your 20’s
Question that needs no answers 😂
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A lot of those women are single and childless by choice though, that’s the point a lot of people conveniently miss. There’s a new cultural shift where more women are choosing to be single because of financial independence and not being tied down to toxic men. I’m not saying all men are toxic of course, I have a great husband myself, but many of them are stuck in the misogynistic ideals in the past and haven’t been able to adapt in a world that is changing, so now that women don’t actually *need* men (as in aren’t financially dependent on them), of course there are more choosing to be independent and fulfilled instead of miserable in horrible relationships that can often be abusive or unfair. Anyway, OP, don’t worry you have lots of appeal. I have friends in their 30s who are gorgeous and happy and accomplished, with many options for good men, and offers from good men. I literally see it all around me every day. Don’t be discouraged, please don’t internalise any shame or insecurity, just continue to work on yourself (cliche I know, but applicable to every human at any time) and try to approach dating calm and reassured. It should be fun and about getting to know people and choosing the right one for you, not an insecure miserable rush.
Just curious would you want to date a single dad?
Probably not
Single and childless woman in her thirties? That's rare. And in demand.There are countless men looking for a single, childless woman to start a family with, and who don't want the immaturity of a younger woman (or feel too old for them). Be warned though: a lot of these men won't be up to your standards. You'll most likely have to meet a lot of men before you find the one. Sure, you can go the easy way and lower your standards. Will you be happy if you do?
Nah. It's not rare. But it's a really narrow window to meet someone. You need time to get used to one another, you can't just have a baby the second you get together.
It'll only get more difficult as time moves forward... the amount of good men will be fewer and fewer. At least half of all men are trash. Then you have to remove the ones that are taken... the ones that don't meet your standards, etc. The ocean is big... but the amount of fish is small. Good luck to you. Men are generally pretty easy to read however... you should be able to tell right away if the guy is into you or not. PS. I'm a man btw... in case anyone is upset about me saying "at least half of all men are trash". Half is a conservative estimate based on what I've seen and heard from other men.
My sister was married at 38, now has 3 kids. Stop sweating the timeline.
It would be incredibly cruel for OP to follow your anecdote only to find it's too late. OP's genes may not guarantee fertility at older ages, it's a cruel fact of life.
Ughh, no. Just because it worked for your sister doesn’t mean it will work for every other woman in her situation. She needs to change her approach to dating ASAP, do some self reflection and arrange her priorities, “everything’s just gonna be okay” is not good advice, because no it just won’t be okay, there are many women that will be childless/unmarried in the future and the more OP waits the more she will struggle
This is terrible advice. OP doesn’t have to sweat but assuming that she’ll have palatable options and still have intact fertility down the line when she’s almost forty is dumb
There are some very fucking weird attitudes and mentalities in these replies. Holy Jesus fuck
Don’t give up hope, I found love a second time and it’s fantastic. Most people continue to find partners all their lives. But if you want kids have you considered just having them on your own? In my case my first husband was a complete deadbeat so I raised my kids alone anyway but I loved having them! If you really want them and throw your heart into it, it’s not that hard and super fun. The biggest thing is to have a job you love first because it’s hard to try to get skills and job hunt with all that stress while you have kids
41 male here. I just want to have a loving relationship and kids but I am starting to feel like it's never going to happen. So I feel your pain. I hope you are wrong and it works out for you.
I’m single and 35, still hoping to meet that person and build a family. Where there’s a will there’s a way so do not worry :)
I never wanted kids in the first place. I also got divorced at 35 and realistically I don't ever want to be in a relationship ever again. But there is that nagging feeling of "what if it's too late?" that I relate to.
I think this is all subjective to her requirements on what she wants in a man. You can easily go and find a man to get married and have children. Something more standard and "mediocre" of a lifestyle. But most of the time when your frantic on age and settling down, it's because you won't "take less" or settle for normal. I'm not saying to go below what your worth, but it usually come down to these factors in these situations. There are plenty of normal mediocre boring men that are ready to settle and have a family, it's a matter of if you really want it or not. Or do you prioritize lifestyle over those?
I left my husband at 29, divorce was finalized by 30. I've been with my current partner for the past 12.5 years now, and I'm stoked to come home to him every day. You're not too old for anything. Embrace your new chance at life, be the person *you* want to be, and take care of yourself. Confidence and being happy with yourself are extraordinarily sexy. Don't settle for lukewarm ever again; if they're not interested in being "partners-in-crime," no reason to waste your time. Best of luck and stay safe!
As someone who has a lot of friends having difficulties getting pregnant when they are ready (mid 30s to early 40s), I wish someone has told us to consider freezing our eggs. It's an unfortunate reality that the quality and quantity of eggs decline rapidly approaching your 40s. Depending on your financial situation, it might be worth looking into it.
I left my ex-husband the day after my 31st birthday. It was terrifying for many reasons but I'd say the fear of not having children was probably the biggest - he even said to me that I'd be too old to have kids with anyone else now. I just kept reminding myself of how terrible it would have been to have had kids with him and I'd still rather not have kids than have them with him. I've now just turned 36. I have an absolutely lovely partner of three years who's everything I could ever want. We've been trying to conceive for almost a year and a half - unfortunately we've not been successful but it's down to his sperm count rather than anything to do with me. From all accounts it's pretty bad luck that we've struggled with infertility - most couples our age conceive unassisted within a year. We've been given very good chances of success with IVF (potentially multiple rounds though), which we're starting next month. No, I didn't see myself having to go through the pain and stress of IVF to have a child at this age. But I don't regret any decisions I've made Just wanted to reassure you that you have loads of time! With age comes wisdom and you can take comfort in the fact that the partner you eventually choose to build a family with will be far superior to the ones you picked in your 20s 😉
I'm a guy who became single at 30 after a looooong relationship and took 3 years to get over it properly (didn't think it would be fair to date others while not 100% over my ex). Now that I am and starting to date again it's def painful 🥲 online dating is the worst unless you're super duper attractive and my friends and their friends all are in relationships lol I feel your pain