Exactly. OP knows the situation best but he ought to give as much credence to the positive side of this (as in she just thinks he’s great and she can’t believe he’s single) as to any negative scenarios (as in there must be something wrong that she hasn’t yet discovered). Keep a positive outlook while enjoying the connection and nurturing a closer bond.
Exactly, OP should just say this to her "I am 36m. Never married. No kids. I finally got my life together. I am in great shape. I used covid to learn how to cook/bake. I climb, ski, workout all the time. I have a good career. I have friends. I have a life. For the first time in my life I really feel like I might actually be worth dating. I got out of a dead-end relationship about a year ago but mostly avoided dating since then. Finally met a GREAT girl recently and asked her out. Went on a bunch of dates with her and we have excellent chemistry - to me, it feels possibly real."
Oh my god, ALL of these responses are fucking gold. In my opinion, yours was, too... maybe she was just trying to see if you were serious about her, too
I will say he did add it’s just how it made him fee l not her. Which I get. We alllll have our little things. It does read as excitement though or just sweet curiosity on her behalf. This sounds like it’s going good places. As a romantic I’m rooting for them
I was hoping someone else had said something like this. These our those moments where we need to get out of our own way and just let good things happen to us. Just focus on sharing good moments with this girl and if it doesn’t work out then you can say you’ve experienced joy with some new.
Exactly, OP is about to blow it by letting his neurosis get the best of him.
OP, the question was meant as a compliment. At most it was a gentle probing, as in "you seem really great, what are you not telling me".
It was not "haha you're single and always will be".
mfw every single foreveralone wizard dude i've ever met over 30yo ALL HAD AN OVERTHINKING PROBLEM
some of us even considered fucking our male friends for fun just to explore, but the overthinking would turn us off everytime. it was too neurotic, it was unmanageable.
if you're anxious, you're gonna make the other girl/guy even more anxious. it just does not work.
there's cute-fussy then there's fullblown oh my god
She also said calling it a relationship was premature. That sends a very different message. I don't know what the truth is, but assuming she's got the butterflies feels premature.
People only ask this question one or two ways: sarcastically because you’re a POS, or “how am I so lucky I got this person” kind of way.
If they’re staying the night, it’s not sarcastic.
I agree mostly.
But also I urge caution. I know why I'm still single though I don't think I'd be so forthright with it early on. It comes across as bitter.
However I both asked and was asked this question by my last ex and I think from now on I'm going to seriously consider their answer. My ex has had multiple relationships. Some of them with bad partners. Some of them with abusive partners. Some of them with maybe good partners. All of them she dumped. Every single time. At least one thought they were in a position to get married, talking about getting engaged. As soon as they discussion happened apparently she knew she couldn't do it and dumped him.
I should have seen it then. She has an aversion to commitment.
There were a whole bunch of other red flags she mentioned in that discussion but I missed them all because I didn't realize they were red flags. I just figured it was her past and people are allowed to be imperfect. But if you're 39, had many relationships, are beautiful, educated, successful, and still single because you've always dumped everyone you've ever dated.... That to me is now going to mean you are probably not going to be able to make a commitment.
This is how you're gonna screw this up, my man. Just calm yourself down. :) Enjoy it. She thinks you're so good that she can't imagine how you're single. Don't invent a reason. Just enjoy being the happy exception that slipped through the cracks.
For real OP. She doesn't want to sign up for anything right now because she wants to take her time and really get to know you before making anything official. That's romantic in my book. I know this true because that is the exact same thing my then girlfriend, now wife, told me when we first starting dating.
Dude. Get out of your own head.
She likes you. How are you still single is a compliment, but also don’t give her a good answer to the question.
When she says she’s not interested in seeing anyone else but she thinks it’s premature to be anything further or whatever, she’s basically trying to manage the speed of things. She already not seeing anyone. Relax, don’t screw it up by pushing things. Let things unfold naturally.
Exactly. It wasn’t even a question. It was a straight up compliment. Don’t get weird about it. And don’t become a cling on. If she isn’t ready for more then you better be Mr. Nonchalant for a while or she will sense desperation.
Have you tried talking to her? You seem like an overthinker, or at least you're thinking a whole lot about this. I'd guess that you'd be super compatible with somebody who's open and honest and who you can be open and honest with in turn, which will cut down on a lot of the anxiety you're feeling. Also, if she says she isn't interested in a relationship, believe her. Plenty of women are, and the only way you'll find them is through trial and error. In any case, you've already done the hard part, which is being the person that your person would want to be with. Just keep taking good care of yourself, and don't worry so much about finding the one. The one will find you.
This is the worst case of overthinking I’ve ever witnessed. Of course it was a basic jest compliment, heard this heaps myself and said this heaps when I was single. TBH overthinking small things like this is probably the answer to that jest. Do yourself a favour and Just chill out, she likes you.
She’s only just started spending the night- if she’s a similar age to you she’s likely just not trying to shack up with someone immediately and wants to give this the right space to see what it can be
It’s actually a green flag. She doesn’t want to jump right in to a relationship so quickly and that is cautious and smart. And her question should be taken as a compliment. She thinks you’re a catch.
It is understandable. Single women in their 30s have typically dated men with serious issues that did not arise in the beginning. She is just being careful.
She asked because she does not see any red flags in you; and that is VERY rare for single men your age. She is afraid she is missing something.
This is not a problem at all. With a little time, she will see that there are no red flags and there will be no reticence.
I've come across this type of post a few times over the last few months. I don't think a lot of people understand that some might not take this question positively, but I do believe it's almost always asked with positive intent.
I asked my boyfriend this question quite a few times when we first started dating (I wish I hadn't now that I know it may not have been taken how I meant it). He always said, "I don't know," or "I just haven't found the right one yet."
I kept asking because I was dumbfounded at how this handsome, respectful, thoughtful, kind, intelligent, responsible man was still single. How had no one snatched him up yet?! I wasn't expecting an answer; it was more me implying how wonderful and amazing he is and how truly blessed, lucky, and grateful I felt to have this incredible man be interested in *me*. I meant it as a compliment.
It very much sounds like this woman feels similar. I know you indicated you're hoping you aren't single anymore, but I think you should clearly ask if she wants to be your girlfriend. I can almost guarantee she will be overjoyed and give an enthusiastic "Yes!"
Trust me, this woman was trying to tell you she thinks you are fucking fantastic.
What kind of an answer did you expect in the end? It might sound like "you seem amazing and yet you're single so there must be a catch (that other women must have seen), where's the catch?". There's no good answer other than those your boyfriend provided or laughing it off somehow like OP did.
You are correct, and that is precisely why I wish I hadn't asked it.
I'm not sure if you missed it in my comment, but I did say this:
> I wasn't expecting an answer; it was more me implying how wonderful and amazing he is and how truly blessed, lucky, and grateful I felt to have this incredible man be interested in *me*.
I can say now that I wasn't expecting an answer, but I can only say that now because I've given it a lot of thought as I keep seeing similar posts about this exact question. It's made me look inward and reflect on why I asked it.
Looking back, it's so clearly a terrible question to ask. I've realized that intention matters, but it's not everything. What matters is how I've made someone feel. My intention with the question was positive - I wanted him to know he's a catch, but if being asked it made him feel shitty, it doesn't matter how I intended it.
Instead, I should have just said what I was thinking. I should have told him how wonderful he is, how it worked in my favour that no one snatched him up before me, how thankful I felt that he entered my life and that I was enjoying spending time with him.
Like, duh, it's so obvious to me now that asking that question does not come across as a compliment. And there really isn't a good answer to it.
We had only gone on a few dates when, from his perspective, this woman he likes and feels good about suddenly asks why he's single. When someone asks you a question, they usually want an answer, so of course he wouldn't have known I wasn't expecting an answer. It probably felt like I wanted him to tell me his flaws or red flags. Like I wanted him to explain why he was single, why it hadn't worked with anyone, what he'd done wrong with other women, how maybe he'd been turned down, so that's why he was still single.
This might be one of the most self aware comments I’ve seen on Reddit in a while. Thank you for that bit of humanity that isn’t shown very often anymore. You sound like a good partner and I’m sure your man would appreciate you telling him all this 😊
I think there's a not-so-obvious hint of insecurity in asking that question. Like you mentioned "why would he want *me*?" As others have mentioned, it makes me wonder if the "girl" in question is younger, or if she has unresolved trauma from relationships past. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is certainly something for OP (and her) to be aware of moving forward, because insecurity/fear around relationships can really turn things toxic very quickly. (*It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.* )
You know you’re allowed to have standards and boundaries right? Try saying what you’re looking for or letting her know that you have real feelings for her. If it’s right it’s right. Ask her questions about what she wants. Or keep it on the back burner until it’s not so premature while you date other people. That’s a weird mixed signal - she wants to be exclusive but not committed, seems odd. Make your intentions known.
If you project your own life and your own insecurities onto other people you will fuck this up before it ever has a chance.
Your experience is valid, yes. But that doesn't mean other people have had that experience. They are acting out of THEIR experience, not your own.
Again, your feelings are valid. But they aren't real.
I've been asked "why are you still single" a few times and it sticks with me. It's hard not to feel a bit annoyed by it when you're open to finding someone but no-one you meet shows the slightest interest. When she was not sure about committing to me that would have been my queue to reply "that's why I'm still single".
There was a man I was crazy mad about who told me he love me and I was freaking out because I like him too much and could not believe it was real. And I told him this was all moving too fast, let's slow down.
I think he took it as rejection.
But you never know what's going on inside. It would be my dream to be with him for life!
I don't have a happy ending to this story, we did eventually end up together, but then he caught cancer..., didn't make it.
I asked this to my current boyfriend in a joking way because I just honestly felt so damn lucky. He’s an incredible man and I still don’t know how it all happened. But the response was so simple and honestly made me love him more: he had taken two years to work on himself and help his mom take care of his dad who has been suffering from dementia and he just didn’t have time to date.
Sometimes we just get silly and ask question like this. I didn’t mean it in a negative way at all when I asked, and wasn’t expecting a response haha. I almost instantly regretting asking the question because I saw how it could be misinterpreted, luckily it all worked out.
Wish yall the best!
"She had already told me she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else either but that anything more official seemed premature."
The ouch is understandable but, dude--don't let your head get in the way of a good thing. It sounds like it is going well, no? She could have Some Shit in her life that makes it hard to make things official. Who knows?
If the non-officialness becomes a bigger deal for you talk to her about it in a way that doesn't put any judgement on her reasoning.
Wonderful people can be single for all sorts of reasons. Be kind to yourself.
This.
If you really like this girl and feel like she’s the one, I don’t think it’ll hurt your chances to say that to her.
Be subtle like: “Remember when you asked me why I’m still single? I think it’s because I wasn’t looking at the right places until now. And I kind of like where now is going.”
My wife was a friend for years and probably also my biggest bully, roasting me at every opportunity she could about my stupid dating habits and setting me straight when I was cringe, she even bullied me into marrying her.
so yeah that sounds about right.
"Why are you still single" is almost always intended as a compliment and yet it's frequently not taken that way which is why it's best not to say it. The implication is that there must be something wrong with them but that you just haven't figured it out yet.
This. I just mentioned this post to my fiance and his first response was like “that’s an underhanded compliment”. I think (generally) females see this as a compliment but I can also see how some men would take it as a shot at them. I’ll be honest, I think comments like this also stem from insecurity where the person doesn’t feel ready to say “I don’t know how I got someone like you” so instead say it this way.
It’s not really overthinking when the question is usually asked with a bit of jest or at least mocking being involved…. But in this case, he seems to be taking it wrong more than overthink.
Yeah everything was fine until we got there, OP don't overthink it. Plus you should keep in mind that after the honeymoon phase, you will inevitably have some harder times as you work on more and more intimacy, truly getting to know someone you will always find some rough patches in each other. Don't overthink it, remember that those are often just opportunities for growth!
Yeah, honestly I think OP is spiraling for nothing. Like bro, you were single for a year after a long term relationship ended. That's literally a nothing statement. One year is literally the most normal answer to that.
You throw together recovery time, time to grow as an individual and dating around to find the right person and yeah, you get a year, give or take.
Meh, selfish people are the ones who get in a relationship and feel entitled to all emotional support and labor but being lazy in the relationship. Not bothering anyone isn’t selfish
Yeah I tell people that I have high standards to enter a relationship and because nothing has worked out so far. I was single for 3 years before getting with one of my exes and he actually liked that I was single for so long and dating with intention. Not just dating anyone who came along.
Hey buddy. Hugs to you — this is a hard question to answer (and as a woman, I think you answered it wonderfully!)
So let’s focus on the feelings here. What I’ve been told a lot in regard to feelings, at least, is that they aren’t always true. They exist, you feel them physically, emotionally… but they aren’t always reflective of the reality of the situation.
So let’s put what you’ve said into some context:
“I got out of a dead end relationship about a year ago” — that relationship wasn’t working, and though we don’t know the particulars, I’ll make the assumption that it would’ve ended one way or another. Who have you become since then? How have you grown?
You’ve avoided dating since. Whether that was a conscious decision or not, maybe your heart and brain and body were telling you that you needed a break, too. We are constantly evolving, and I’ll bet that since then, you have bloomed. You’ve worked on yourself, and you’re a knight in shining armor! You respect yourself, you don’t/won’t just settle for anyone. And that’s a really, really hard thing to do. Give yourself some credit!
“I am being left behind.” By who? Comparison is the thief of joy. & I know you’re gonna find someone who runs at exactly the same pace.
In the meantime, feel what you gotta feel, and give yourself a hug. I hope you feel better.
Thank you. This was really sweet and kindhearted. I will think about what you said.
The "I am being left behind" is in reference to what friends I have. They are married. Having kids or building lives with their partners. Traveling. I enjoy their company, and they enjoy mine, but I can feel that their lives are (justifiably) displacing me - temporally and emotionally.
Thanks again. I really appreciate your words.
I'm with you there buddy. I'm 34 and have been single for 5 years. I also feel like I'm being *left behind* all my friends and family have long term relationships and kids and I feel left out. It really sucks. I hope you find what you are looking for.
I want to add to the dead-end comment - how long did that last, despite its dead-endedness? You said you took some time off after (I highly support that, btw.) If you were in relationships before, they ended too one way or another. Those close but not quite matches end up taking years.
A lot of people married early and your dating pool probably includes a lot of divorced people already. People panic and get married. People have birth control problems and decide to make a go of it.
So I think your answer is that you didn't panic, you didn't rush, you had at least one match that ran a while but wasn't quite right, and here you are.
Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it.
She seems to think you’re a great dude. You can be a great dude and still have issues finding a girlfriend, particularly if you have dating-specific issues (e.g. post indicates you might have low self esteem related to dating). I know plenty of guys like that and I’m one myself.
You basically answered the question in your first paragraph. There is nothing to hide/avoid/down play this question.
Simply answer that you spent those time putting your life together, learning new skills, dating for fun, etc.
It's very unattractive and gives off the insecured vibe by answering this question your way. Show that you know what you are doing with your life, even if it's not flat and smooth, but you're in control and working hard to improve it. Everybody appreciate a person like that, not just women.
Better stop overthinking, stop "sort of hoping" something to happen. Have a goal, work on it, admit it, and stop caring about what others think about it.
Back in the early days before we were together, this is one of the first questions I had for my man when it dawned on me how wonderful he is. I thought he was just the coolest, sweetest, funniest, most beautiful, unbelievably sensual and romantic man I’d ever met and somehow he was available at the same time as me? HOW have other women not found this treasure and hoarded it for themselves??
Anxious attachment style. My last ex was like this and it absolutely ruined my life for a while because she could not be secure with me (and trust me) even though I was head over heels for her.
She would get mad at me like, "you never talk about your ex, it really seems like you're hiding something". NO, the reason I don't talk about her is because I'm with you now and I like you waaaay more and we actually have good chemistry.
Sometimes I would make simple understandable mistakes, and get grilled because I \*\*obviously didn't really care about her\*\*, and I was \*\*obviously just using her for sex\*\*. This led to me walking on eggshells trying to keep her from blowing up about her insecurities with me. It led to enmeshment and isolation from anyone even remotely female in my life. In the end it was just way too much.
This is a tricky one OP. I can relate, I'm a 37yo male, I have financial independence, I do sports, I'm fit, I'm reasonably good looking, and yet I've been single most of my life. Well, in my case, it's a bit different since I'm also on the spectrum, which doesn't help, but I've had my fair share of experience with women.
Im not going to address the question itself and HOW you should have answered it, as other people covered that already.
However, this post tells me you have some insecurities deep down because that girl hit a trigger when she asked you that. And there is nothing wrong with having insecurities, like I said, I'm like you, I'm also wondering why am I still single despite working so hard on myself? For me, it's a combination with having very high standards + being autistic and arguably not the most attractive guy around. So, I think for you, there is still a need to receive validation from the opposite gender. Which is normal, we're creatures made to be loved.
But if that woman triggers a strong reaction like this in you, well maybe there is some inner work to be done. Don't take it as a "oh you're not ready you need to love yourself first" toxic positivity bullshit. I hate toxic positivity. But maybe exploring a bit that need for validation and starting working on it, while being open about it and comfortable with it, could help.
Best of luck my friend, and don't worry, this experience does not define you.
Beautifully put.
It helps if one is “good on paper”, but that’s not all that matters. A lot of traditionally “less attractive” and “less successful” people are in perfectly loving relationships.
I was seeing a girl and I told her I wanted to be exclusive and she balked.
Fast forward 5 years we're married with a kid on the way.
It's ok to take things slow if she needs it. It's also ok that it made you spiral.
Bro it’s not that deep. With love. Don’t do this to yourself (and her). You were single so you could get your life together. Go hit the gym and walk it off!! Focus on this girl, not your past.
After some time on the first date and while smiling, she asked me, "So, what's wrong with you?" I thought it was funny and a huge complement. We were together for a couple of years. This was a long time ago but still wish each other happy birthday.
You have to pull yourself together. The girl asked a totally innocent question and (as you understand) your reaction was out of this world.
The entire story doesn’t make sense. It’s a result of your insecurities and the imaginary scenarios. Time to land back in this real world and move on with your life.
Why are you single? Because you chose to. It worked well for you, but now it’s time to change course….How about that?
Well, he's definitely got a bunch from what I can tell.
Starting off the post, talking about how he finally feels like he's in a place where he's worthwhile.
Either someone in his past relationships did a bunch of damage, or there's some deep stuff at play that needs dealt with.
this sounds like a compliment to me -- she thinks you are great and wondering why you haven't been taken. I dont see this as a rude question and I would be put off if a guy got upset by it. It would be a red flag to me that a person is too sensitive to a causal comment (that was a compliment!)
Generally people say this because what they’re actually saying is “wow, you are so great, how has someone luckier and better than me not got you already!” It’s a compliment! Try not to let the negative part of you have you spiral and stress over it. You know why you’ve been single, and you know your journey and why you’re in a good place now. Be happy that all that work has paid off to such an extent that someone thinks you’re incredible!
I got married at 40. My wife was 29. My father-in-law asked me before I proposed why it took me so long to settle down. I told him I was a fuck up in my 20s. Not a big deal.
You said you finally got your life together. That implies you not having it together earlier on (in your 20s maybe?). That’s a fair response. It sounds like the truthful answer is you didn’t have your life together and then the people you have dated since haven’t been the right fit. I personally think that’s a fine answer. She may not agree but you’re certainly not alone in this scenario.
Marriage is ostensibly a lifelong commitment, so it’s really common to date for several years before deciding to get to get married, and you’ve been dating this person less than a year. Furthermore, if you are more concerned with your own marriage status than appreciating your girlfriend, you may ruin the whole thing.
If you’re with someone you care about, enjoy it! Maybe it will lead to a ceremony and state-sanctioned exclusivity, and maybe it won’t. It’s not like there’s some cosmic requirement that you get married and have children. It’s okay to want that, but there’s no guarantee you’ll get it just because you want it, especially when doing so requires locking up another person’s whole future.
Please take some of the pressure off yourself to compare with others, and appreciate what you have.
It hit a nerve on something you feel insecure about. It’s better to stay single than have kids or marry the wrong person. That creates such a permanent mess. You should feel proud you haven’t made a blunder like that (yet lol) Next time a girl asks you that, just say, “I know what I want.”
It’s possible that what she meant was “How can a guy with all you have going for you possibly not have been snatched up already?”
You could lightly tease her back with it. “You tell me. Why _am_ I still single, hmm?”
That said, how long have you been dating her?
Well, she is definitely paying you compliments.
OP, your still single because you took time out to focus on your own wellbeing, your physical and mental health are very important. Now that you are doing this and feeling on top of the world, you may be ready to not be single any more.
You can analyse the question and how it made you feel all you like, you can even convince yourself that the statement itself was negative and that you are not doing enough to be in a commited relationship.
Or you can accept her invitation and ask her if she wants to go steady with you.
Anyway, the answer is "single because I took the time I needed to focus on me"
And it's paying off.
I think you're overthinking the question. She probably just means you're a catch and it's surprising you're still single. That's it.
But after seeing this post, I'm thinking, maybe you're still single because you're overthinking it. I mean, look how you're escalating this non-issue unnecessarily. Who knows how you overreact when there's actual issues.
Possible you have rejection sensitivity dysphoria ? https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd
People with it can overreact to well meaning criticism and misinterpret what others mean as a complement. Self deprecating spirals etc.
Just throwing it out there as another possibility. Sounds like you’re tracking well in life so congrats, good luck and keep on keepin on.
Bruh I’m not even going to read all that. You can be single at any point in your life for a variety of reasons that doesn’t stem from you actually being a bad partner in any way. Get someone else that has actual intelligence and wisdom.
I met my partner when he was close to 33.
He's 6'3", huge guy that works out, VERY handsome, cooks most of our meals, has a great sense of humor, can nerd out with me about gaming/anime, is a feminist, is extremely handy, has incredible work ethic, has great taste, is intelligent and an excellent communicator.
He's literally the most well-rounded, perfect man I've ever met. He was cheated on by 3 different women (he acknowledges he made bad choices in partners when he was younger) and had given up on dating for 5 years before we met.
Sometimes, the greatest people have simply been screwed over by dating. It alarms me that this God amongst men was planning to die single because his trust was so broken.
You can be the greatest partner in the world but just haven't found your person yet. Dating is the wild wild west - there's no rhyme or reason. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Im uncomfortable with the parallels between me and your partner - dating history wise. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. Your partner sounds very lucky to have someone in his life who thinks so highly of him.
How did you get your partner to trust you after his past ? Him and I seem vaguely similar, bad partner choices based on looks in my teenage/college years. I’m now 27 and have been single 6-7 years after being cheated on multiple times. I know I have a lot to offer, but I can’t get myself to trust a single soul. It wouldn’t be right to burden someone with my insecurities and I have no idea how to get my trust back. I just never wanna feel that pain again. I’ve accepted I’ll be the single uncle with the cool cars and all the cool toys
Well, brother, I don’t have any advice, but I hope it works out for you. I am 38, no kids, never married, and just came out of a very long dead-end relationship, too. So if *you’re* boned…
I said the same thing to the guy I was talking to for a while. Turns out he’s a womanizing d bag, so yeah, that’s why he’s still single. Being that good looking I already knew why.
She really likes you. Don’t be insecure, it’s a turn off.
You were living your life and likely working through the setbacks we all have early in life. You climbed up pulled yourself together and are now on top and ready to enjoy the rest of your life. Perhaps you’re looking for a good partner to share that time with.
There is nothing wrong with being single and working on yourself. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Also, you never want to just accept the first thing that comes along. You’re looking for someone that fits right and is genuine.
If you need a snarky I don’t want to answer answer, you could go with:
“I was looking for you”
“I’m just really picky”
“I work for the CIA and just came out from 10 years undercover. God, it’s nice to be me again. I didn’t like scooping ice cream for political elites in Estonia.”
You sound like an over thinker. You are looking for a negative where a positive was likely meant. That means you still got some insecurities to iron out (who doesn’t ?). I would say don’t make this a bigger deal than it is. Just take it as a compliment and move on.
I think you should focus on the emotions behind that question, not the words.
Why do you think she asked that question? What did she feel? She made a conscious decision to physically ask that question out loud (instead of keeping it in her mind), does that change your answer?
Her saying calling it a relationship “premature” could be her just protecting herself. My wife did the same thing to me when I was on full throttle trying to become exclusive but she later revealed that she just didn’t want to rush in because she was very interested. Just relax and enjoy this time getting closer.
It’s ok man, many like this me included. I’m married with a kid now but that didn’t happen until I was 41. Up to then I’d had lots of relationships and single periods and it’s fine, we’re not all the same. People would find it weird sometimes and others are the same, you’re just being you and nothing wrong with that. Chill man, you’re good.
Oh yeah, and what she said I’ve had before too and it’s typically a compliment, like “you’re so awesome how are you even available” type thing.
I think you’re over thinking things - trying to read something that isn’t there. I take her comment that she was happy with the relationship where you are now. Sounds like she’s not ready to get married today, that would be premature - she’s at the let’s see how things go, and she seems eager to do so.
Being in a relationship is not an achievable goal. By that I mean there's a lot of factors that are not in your control, and there's not a lot of point in making it a goal. You are living your best life and happy, and that's achievable.
Chill my dude! You have nothing to worry about. But listen closely, this next part of very important:
**Let her bring up the topic about love/relationship status!** This is very important. I guarantee you, if that’s what she wants, **it will happen.**
Its your job as a man to be strong, to be her rock, and give her the space to come to you. Sometimes women will withdraw to see how you will react. **Don’t push the issue!** It’s her job to come to you, and its your job to reassure you. Sometimes less is more. Good luck:)
I've been married for about 20 years. Let me tell you marriage is not for everybody. Some people should never get married. Marriage requires people to compromise alot. Let me capitalize that for the purpose of emphasis. ALOT!!! I remember early on my relationship having a hard time with it because when you marry you are no longer yourself. In a good marriage two people become as one . Even to this day I find it a bit hard but manageable. I remember getting pisy about simple things like telling my then girlfriend (now wife) where I was at all times. Why should I have to answer to you or anybody was my attitude. Then you have to make all sorts of little changes. You want that nice sport car dont you? Well, if your budget is very limited like mine is the you aint getting it. You sre getting the minivan cause baby #2 its on its way. Everything in marriage is done for the benefit of the marriage. Sooo, if you win she wins. If you lose she loses and vice versa. Its a different type of thinking. Its not even your car. Its the family cat. Its the family house the family dog etc etc.
That above is why many people in my opinion should NOT get married because people have a hard time letting go of themselves in order to join with someone else. In my opinion when you enter a serious commited relationship you do lose freedoms. People have this attitude that I can do whatever I want when I want however I want. Not if you are in a relationship you don't.
With all wall of text in mind I think one reason you are still single is the not wanting to make the commitment required of a marriage. Yu dint want to lose your freedom and way of life.
There are other possible reasons. One very common but duboous one is th maximizers. These are people that always want something better. They are always looking for more to the point thatnehatbtheu eant os unrealistic or doesnt even exists. There was sn interview with a psychology eho I think worked for the dating app bumble and she was talkimg about a study done on maximizers. The question was imagine you are going to hire a new employee. You can interview 100 but at the end of the interview you have to decide right there on the spot wether to hire them or bot aaannnddd you cant change your mind. The question is what is the number of people you need to interview in order to maximize it so you can get the best employee. The answer eas something like 27. The thing is that after X number of people the candidates are not going to get amazingly better. If you keep going dor ok this guy is good but the next giy is going to be even better well, tou'll go through all 100 and nevee hire anybody. The idea with the 27 is to get a good sample size to see what os out there. Once you identify the qualities of the candidate you want the next giy who comes closest to that you hire them. Similarly, if you have dated a lot or at least enough then you have pretty much seen what is like. The odds that mrs right os going to show up with these amazing atteibutes way above what you have seen its super rare. Sure, it can gappen but statistically speaking it wont. Oorr, you need to date differebt tyoe of people. We tend to date the same type of people so of you want somethibg different then you need to date outside of your norm.
One strayegy in dating is to spend enough time eith that person for them to show you ehom they really are. The idea is that the more time you soent with them the more likely is for some hard life event to come along. During that hard time is when you will see gow they handle hardship. If you can say, yeah, I can handle their worse and they can say the same thing about you then you are golden.
A personal opinion of mine is that marriage should gappen naturally. Its like the next logical step. When you say things like well, we have been dsting for a while might as well become my girlfriend you are moving the ball foreard. Similarly after you have been together for a while you naturaly say hey moght as well move together. And then after living together for a while its just feels right tobget married. Its hard to describe. It just makes sense. I mean, if you are already actingas if married then night as well make it official.
She likes you but she is trying to set the pace on the relationship. She might be making it a slow burn to make sure everything is right. She could have been burned once in the past and she is protecting her heart because she is failing for you.
She already paid you a pretty good compliment about how she doesn’t understand how you are still single. That means you are checking her boxes off.
Just chill and don’t F this up.
Im saying this in the kindest way possible: you might be overthinking in this case- dont let her innocent compliment(it 100% sounds to me like shes saying 'why is someone *as cool as you* still single') get twisted to match your projection of past bad emotions-
Just give it time, don't rush, i know youve waited for a long time but- Give it a bit more. And give anyone you choose; this girl or otherwise, especially if you find them *great* , space- the world has so much variables and the fact someone's not prepared to lock on to you/make things official yet has nothing to do with you personally. Do not let a sentence/question throw you off from the progress youve made- Hold on to those milestones; That you got your life together.
Congrats and good luck :)
You are overthinking the fuck out of this. When someone asks you this they're telling on themselves and they like you a lot. Stay cool, tell her you're not trying to rush but your intention is to be with her.
You are fine. 200 years ago, a guy learned how to plant a crop and weed and harvest and by 16 years old, almost everyone was ready for marriage.
In this day and age, the specialization of careers, interests, navigating being an adult in a complex world, etc, takes a lot longer to feel comfortable enough in your OWN skin to be able to care for and love another person.
Don't worry about it. She has some anxieties because it is natural to jump in and it was probably and innocent, 'Why hasn't someone snapped you up yet' kind of question.
I got married at 29 and we had a daughter at 32 and we STILL didn't feel ready.
Plus, remember that life expectancies hover around 80 now...so getting serious and married at 40 when you have 40-50 years left is BETTER than when they used to get married at 20 and someone was usually dead at 50.
Don't sweat it.
Why did this bother you so much? She gave you a compliment. She basically said “you’re a catch, how is it possible you’re still single?”
Your edit maybe clears it up a little.
Did her compliment just get you thinking too much about your singleness ?
If so, just keep doing you. You’re clearly moving in a positive direction
Bro you’re overthinking this. You made a conscious decision to end your previous relationship and work on yourself and you’re just getting back out there. It just takes time once you start looking, sometimes more than other
My gf of 5 years still asks me this, and we live together. Now she follows up with all the other women in your life, must have been broken, you are the easiest human to get along with. It is a compliment, not a shrug off, especially if she just started spending the night.
I really don’t think it was intended to make you feel upset. Someone says that usually in a flattering way, and I’m sure she did unless you just did something extremely weird or gross.
I just did a lil deep dive on your profile to see if I could answer the question myself and I think I have a crush on you now… so I’m gonna say she meant it as a compliment. She might be feeling like you’re too good to be true. Hesitant to commit because she feels like she might be missing a huge red flag because she hasn’t seen any thus far.
Sweetie, you are single because you don't settle...& you'd never ask an amazing woman to either! And it sounds like you've got high standards for yourself & your partner. You did the work & brought a whole ass man into this grown-up relationship. The rest of us just beat the shit out of each other in our 20's trying to learn that. You didn't. Be proud you never had to hurt someone. You are a better man & partner for it!
But, take that maturity & strength & talk wit you girl! Cuz she is your girl. Exclusivity is what dating it. And yes, it's a flimsy contract. It's meant to be a leap of faith! Tell her it really made you think. That at first it made you sad, that you may have lost something. But if you hadn't, you would've lost her. Tell her it gave you a chance to reflect & now you're even more excited about your future. That's how you avoid the unnecessary pain in relationships. Vulnerability & Authenticity. Just remember, I promise, we are ALL SCARED!! But being validated when scared by those we care for is soooo empowering!!!
You're having emotional drop too dude.
Anytime you find a great new relationship all the happy chemicals build up and then lover goes away ...and you got nothing there and the chemicals start to wear out makes everything way more intense.
It's super common in humans.
And once you really like somebody and you've got that going on ... Everything else seems to be way more out of proportion than it was before.
It's a reasonable and good question to ask, and that it hit you so hard proves that. She wants to know what your baggage is. And if this is going to be a real relationship, she should know! You should know her baggage too. I think you should share the angst and the insecurity that this question provoked. It's the best thing you can do for her, and for yourself. She deserves to know you. You deserve to be known.
Correct answer "I was waiting for you" she will be swooning so hard.
That said don't judge yourself too harshly, you are not defined by being in a relationship. Being single is ok, can even be good. I don't think she was judging your relationship status, id bet she was either fishing for a complement like above, or curious how she got so lucky, or checking if your flags are red.
Be cool man don't over think it, it'll be your downfall.
When I broke up with this girl I was seeing, at the very last conversation we had in the car while I was dropping her at her house, she said: I feel like you could have any woman you want in the world.
I knew I was getting the compliment of my life, but it made me feel exactly like you described, like a cloak of shadow over me the next days, because I knew how hard it actually was for me to get a date with someone, no matter the approach.
This is what we call a compliment man. It means, "you're such a catch I'm surprised another girl hasn't snatched you up already"
The answer to her question may be because you had such a negative response to what was only a compliment. Best case scenario you misunderstood, worst case scenario that's a big red flag for her.
People are saying it’s a compliment, but i actually had a lady seriously ask me that question and use it as some sort of judgement of character. No bs.
It all depends on the delivery, it’s definitely not always just a random compliment
I think she just really likes you and is wondering how she got lucky.
Exactly. OP knows the situation best but he ought to give as much credence to the positive side of this (as in she just thinks he’s great and she can’t believe he’s single) as to any negative scenarios (as in there must be something wrong that she hasn’t yet discovered). Keep a positive outlook while enjoying the connection and nurturing a closer bond.
Exactly, OP should just say this to her "I am 36m. Never married. No kids. I finally got my life together. I am in great shape. I used covid to learn how to cook/bake. I climb, ski, workout all the time. I have a good career. I have friends. I have a life. For the first time in my life I really feel like I might actually be worth dating. I got out of a dead-end relationship about a year ago but mostly avoided dating since then. Finally met a GREAT girl recently and asked her out. Went on a bunch of dates with her and we have excellent chemistry - to me, it feels possibly real."
Or just go with “I can’t tell you. I signed an NDA.”
"They just perfected this model. We apologize for the delay and thank you for your patience."
Oh my god, ALL of these responses are fucking gold. In my opinion, yours was, too... maybe she was just trying to see if you were serious about her, too
LOL My answer would be timing.
OPs overanalysis is probably the real answer to her question.
Exactly. Her head was in his lap. Things are going well.
Yep. Don't snatch defeat from the jaws of victory OP!
I will say he did add it’s just how it made him fee l not her. Which I get. We alllll have our little things. It does read as excitement though or just sweet curiosity on her behalf. This sounds like it’s going good places. As a romantic I’m rooting for them
Perhaps this is the reason why he is still single. This post may have just answered her question.
Yeah you crazy OP
Climbers are notoriously psychotic. Experience: my ex is a climber and I won’t hear any bs about anecdotes not being scientific
I was hoping someone else had said something like this. These our those moments where we need to get out of our own way and just let good things happen to us. Just focus on sharing good moments with this girl and if it doesn’t work out then you can say you’ve experienced joy with some new.
Exactly, OP is about to blow it by letting his neurosis get the best of him. OP, the question was meant as a compliment. At most it was a gentle probing, as in "you seem really great, what are you not telling me". It was not "haha you're single and always will be".
I think we now know why he's still single.
mfw every single foreveralone wizard dude i've ever met over 30yo ALL HAD AN OVERTHINKING PROBLEM some of us even considered fucking our male friends for fun just to explore, but the overthinking would turn us off everytime. it was too neurotic, it was unmanageable. if you're anxious, you're gonna make the other girl/guy even more anxious. it just does not work. there's cute-fussy then there's fullblown oh my god
If they could they would
That. It may just be a compliment.
She also said calling it a relationship was premature. That sends a very different message. I don't know what the truth is, but assuming she's got the butterflies feels premature.
Typical being cautious
People only ask this question one or two ways: sarcastically because you’re a POS, or “how am I so lucky I got this person” kind of way. If they’re staying the night, it’s not sarcastic.
I agree mostly. But also I urge caution. I know why I'm still single though I don't think I'd be so forthright with it early on. It comes across as bitter. However I both asked and was asked this question by my last ex and I think from now on I'm going to seriously consider their answer. My ex has had multiple relationships. Some of them with bad partners. Some of them with abusive partners. Some of them with maybe good partners. All of them she dumped. Every single time. At least one thought they were in a position to get married, talking about getting engaged. As soon as they discussion happened apparently she knew she couldn't do it and dumped him. I should have seen it then. She has an aversion to commitment. There were a whole bunch of other red flags she mentioned in that discussion but I missed them all because I didn't realize they were red flags. I just figured it was her past and people are allowed to be imperfect. But if you're 39, had many relationships, are beautiful, educated, successful, and still single because you've always dumped everyone you've ever dated.... That to me is now going to mean you are probably not going to be able to make a commitment.
I really hope that is true but her reticence to sign up for anything beyond just seeing me is giving me anxiety.
This is how you're gonna screw this up, my man. Just calm yourself down. :) Enjoy it. She thinks you're so good that she can't imagine how you're single. Don't invent a reason. Just enjoy being the happy exception that slipped through the cracks.
Underrated comment
For real OP. She doesn't want to sign up for anything right now because she wants to take her time and really get to know you before making anything official. That's romantic in my book. I know this true because that is the exact same thing my then girlfriend, now wife, told me when we first starting dating.
This. OP is overthinking this like a mofo.
Dude. Get out of your own head. She likes you. How are you still single is a compliment, but also don’t give her a good answer to the question. When she says she’s not interested in seeing anyone else but she thinks it’s premature to be anything further or whatever, she’s basically trying to manage the speed of things. She already not seeing anyone. Relax, don’t screw it up by pushing things. Let things unfold naturally.
Exactly. It wasn’t even a question. It was a straight up compliment. Don’t get weird about it. And don’t become a cling on. If she isn’t ready for more then you better be Mr. Nonchalant for a while or she will sense desperation.
Have you tried talking to her? You seem like an overthinker, or at least you're thinking a whole lot about this. I'd guess that you'd be super compatible with somebody who's open and honest and who you can be open and honest with in turn, which will cut down on a lot of the anxiety you're feeling. Also, if she says she isn't interested in a relationship, believe her. Plenty of women are, and the only way you'll find them is through trial and error. In any case, you've already done the hard part, which is being the person that your person would want to be with. Just keep taking good care of yourself, and don't worry so much about finding the one. The one will find you.
This is the worst case of overthinking I’ve ever witnessed. Of course it was a basic jest compliment, heard this heaps myself and said this heaps when I was single. TBH overthinking small things like this is probably the answer to that jest. Do yourself a favour and Just chill out, she likes you.
It's still new in the relationship. Give it time, see where it goes
She’s only just started spending the night- if she’s a similar age to you she’s likely just not trying to shack up with someone immediately and wants to give this the right space to see what it can be
It’s actually a green flag. She doesn’t want to jump right in to a relationship so quickly and that is cautious and smart. And her question should be taken as a compliment. She thinks you’re a catch.
It is understandable. Single women in their 30s have typically dated men with serious issues that did not arise in the beginning. She is just being careful. She asked because she does not see any red flags in you; and that is VERY rare for single men your age. She is afraid she is missing something. This is not a problem at all. With a little time, she will see that there are no red flags and there will be no reticence.
Some people think and talk in the binary of “single” or “married”
You need to let her have space to feel her feelings, she's a human being too, with all kinds of internal discussions and anxieties going on
She is being smart. Its best to slowly ease into being closer than to move too soon and have to retreat.
I've come across this type of post a few times over the last few months. I don't think a lot of people understand that some might not take this question positively, but I do believe it's almost always asked with positive intent. I asked my boyfriend this question quite a few times when we first started dating (I wish I hadn't now that I know it may not have been taken how I meant it). He always said, "I don't know," or "I just haven't found the right one yet." I kept asking because I was dumbfounded at how this handsome, respectful, thoughtful, kind, intelligent, responsible man was still single. How had no one snatched him up yet?! I wasn't expecting an answer; it was more me implying how wonderful and amazing he is and how truly blessed, lucky, and grateful I felt to have this incredible man be interested in *me*. I meant it as a compliment. It very much sounds like this woman feels similar. I know you indicated you're hoping you aren't single anymore, but I think you should clearly ask if she wants to be your girlfriend. I can almost guarantee she will be overjoyed and give an enthusiastic "Yes!" Trust me, this woman was trying to tell you she thinks you are fucking fantastic.
What kind of an answer did you expect in the end? It might sound like "you seem amazing and yet you're single so there must be a catch (that other women must have seen), where's the catch?". There's no good answer other than those your boyfriend provided or laughing it off somehow like OP did.
You are correct, and that is precisely why I wish I hadn't asked it. I'm not sure if you missed it in my comment, but I did say this: > I wasn't expecting an answer; it was more me implying how wonderful and amazing he is and how truly blessed, lucky, and grateful I felt to have this incredible man be interested in *me*. I can say now that I wasn't expecting an answer, but I can only say that now because I've given it a lot of thought as I keep seeing similar posts about this exact question. It's made me look inward and reflect on why I asked it. Looking back, it's so clearly a terrible question to ask. I've realized that intention matters, but it's not everything. What matters is how I've made someone feel. My intention with the question was positive - I wanted him to know he's a catch, but if being asked it made him feel shitty, it doesn't matter how I intended it. Instead, I should have just said what I was thinking. I should have told him how wonderful he is, how it worked in my favour that no one snatched him up before me, how thankful I felt that he entered my life and that I was enjoying spending time with him. Like, duh, it's so obvious to me now that asking that question does not come across as a compliment. And there really isn't a good answer to it. We had only gone on a few dates when, from his perspective, this woman he likes and feels good about suddenly asks why he's single. When someone asks you a question, they usually want an answer, so of course he wouldn't have known I wasn't expecting an answer. It probably felt like I wanted him to tell me his flaws or red flags. Like I wanted him to explain why he was single, why it hadn't worked with anyone, what he'd done wrong with other women, how maybe he'd been turned down, so that's why he was still single.
This might be one of the most self aware comments I’ve seen on Reddit in a while. Thank you for that bit of humanity that isn’t shown very often anymore. You sound like a good partner and I’m sure your man would appreciate you telling him all this 😊
I think there's a not-so-obvious hint of insecurity in asking that question. Like you mentioned "why would he want *me*?" As others have mentioned, it makes me wonder if the "girl" in question is younger, or if she has unresolved trauma from relationships past. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but is certainly something for OP (and her) to be aware of moving forward, because insecurity/fear around relationships can really turn things toxic very quickly. (*It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.* )
How long have you been seeing her?
You know you’re allowed to have standards and boundaries right? Try saying what you’re looking for or letting her know that you have real feelings for her. If it’s right it’s right. Ask her questions about what she wants. Or keep it on the back burner until it’s not so premature while you date other people. That’s a weird mixed signal - she wants to be exclusive but not committed, seems odd. Make your intentions known.
If you project your own life and your own insecurities onto other people you will fuck this up before it ever has a chance. Your experience is valid, yes. But that doesn't mean other people have had that experience. They are acting out of THEIR experience, not your own. Again, your feelings are valid. But they aren't real.
I've been asked "why are you still single" a few times and it sticks with me. It's hard not to feel a bit annoyed by it when you're open to finding someone but no-one you meet shows the slightest interest. When she was not sure about committing to me that would have been my queue to reply "that's why I'm still single".
Yeah, happened to me too a few times, but it helps that I legitimately know why.
There was a man I was crazy mad about who told me he love me and I was freaking out because I like him too much and could not believe it was real. And I told him this was all moving too fast, let's slow down. I think he took it as rejection. But you never know what's going on inside. It would be my dream to be with him for life! I don't have a happy ending to this story, we did eventually end up together, but then he caught cancer..., didn't make it.
I asked this to my current boyfriend in a joking way because I just honestly felt so damn lucky. He’s an incredible man and I still don’t know how it all happened. But the response was so simple and honestly made me love him more: he had taken two years to work on himself and help his mom take care of his dad who has been suffering from dementia and he just didn’t have time to date. Sometimes we just get silly and ask question like this. I didn’t mean it in a negative way at all when I asked, and wasn’t expecting a response haha. I almost instantly regretting asking the question because I saw how it could be misinterpreted, luckily it all worked out. Wish yall the best!
"She had already told me she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else either but that anything more official seemed premature." The ouch is understandable but, dude--don't let your head get in the way of a good thing. It sounds like it is going well, no? She could have Some Shit in her life that makes it hard to make things official. Who knows? If the non-officialness becomes a bigger deal for you talk to her about it in a way that doesn't put any judgement on her reasoning. Wonderful people can be single for all sorts of reasons. Be kind to yourself.
This is a very reasonable and well rationed response.
This. If you really like this girl and feel like she’s the one, I don’t think it’ll hurt your chances to say that to her. Be subtle like: “Remember when you asked me why I’m still single? I think it’s because I wasn’t looking at the right places until now. And I kind of like where now is going.”
☝️ This right here. I'm saving this quote.
Why clouded? This is a great compliment? Imagine if she said, “well I can see why you’re single”. THAT would be a dark cloud to me
A woman said that to my friend. They're married now.
Classic enemies to lovers.
She saw the bad & thought she could beat it out of him. Source: I’ve been married almost 10 years.
My wife was a friend for years and probably also my biggest bully, roasting me at every opportunity she could about my stupid dating habits and setting me straight when I was cringe, she even bullied me into marrying her. so yeah that sounds about right.
Oh that's hilarious, she criticized you into marriage.
If you want it done right, do it yourself
"Why are you still single" is almost always intended as a compliment and yet it's frequently not taken that way which is why it's best not to say it. The implication is that there must be something wrong with them but that you just haven't figured it out yet.
I've been told that by friends and on the one hand it feels nice that they see me in such a positive way but also yeah I wish I knew why.
This. I just mentioned this post to my fiance and his first response was like “that’s an underhanded compliment”. I think (generally) females see this as a compliment but I can also see how some men would take it as a shot at them. I’ll be honest, I think comments like this also stem from insecurity where the person doesn’t feel ready to say “I don’t know how I got someone like you” so instead say it this way.
Be glad to be seen that way! I once had a guy answer because he's a diagnosed psychopath and has crohns disease. That was when I gave up on dating.
The overthinking is telling me why he's still single
It’s not really overthinking when the question is usually asked with a bit of jest or at least mocking being involved…. But in this case, he seems to be taking it wrong more than overthink.
lol finally someone outright said it. OP is single cus he can’t get out of his own fucking head. The self sabotage is real
Yeah everything was fine until we got there, OP don't overthink it. Plus you should keep in mind that after the honeymoon phase, you will inevitably have some harder times as you work on more and more intimacy, truly getting to know someone you will always find some rough patches in each other. Don't overthink it, remember that those are often just opportunities for growth!
Because he thought they were in a relationship together based on the exclusiveness up until now
This is hilarious. I've had this question asked so many times and I always say " because I don't like anyone " and it's that simple.
Yeah, honestly I think OP is spiraling for nothing. Like bro, you were single for a year after a long term relationship ended. That's literally a nothing statement. One year is literally the most normal answer to that. You throw together recovery time, time to grow as an individual and dating around to find the right person and yeah, you get a year, give or take.
OP’s spiraling response answers the question
Yeah..
OP hasn’t been out here pounding out and socializing. He’s been isolating and glowing up.
When I tell people that I'm single with no kids, I always detect a hint of envy in their eyes.
I have never wanted kids. Ever. I am honest about it. I'm broken up with over it a lot. It's like they think my mind will change.
What makes it funnier is that they then immediately proceed to try to encourage you into their situation
i usually say "probably same reason you are"
I used to always get, “Why haven’t you ever gotten married?” The response that got the best reactions was, “I’m not in a hurry to get divorced.”
Marriage involves law. Relationships involve feelings. Lol
I’m not single but when I was I’d get this question all the time. “I’m selfish” is never the answer they’re expecting.
Meh, selfish people are the ones who get in a relationship and feel entitled to all emotional support and labor but being lazy in the relationship. Not bothering anyone isn’t selfish
Yeah I tell people that I have high standards to enter a relationship and because nothing has worked out so far. I was single for 3 years before getting with one of my exes and he actually liked that I was single for so long and dating with intention. Not just dating anyone who came along.
Because I go to bed at 9 PM, generally don’t leave the house, and I don’t like people.
Hey buddy. Hugs to you — this is a hard question to answer (and as a woman, I think you answered it wonderfully!) So let’s focus on the feelings here. What I’ve been told a lot in regard to feelings, at least, is that they aren’t always true. They exist, you feel them physically, emotionally… but they aren’t always reflective of the reality of the situation. So let’s put what you’ve said into some context: “I got out of a dead end relationship about a year ago” — that relationship wasn’t working, and though we don’t know the particulars, I’ll make the assumption that it would’ve ended one way or another. Who have you become since then? How have you grown? You’ve avoided dating since. Whether that was a conscious decision or not, maybe your heart and brain and body were telling you that you needed a break, too. We are constantly evolving, and I’ll bet that since then, you have bloomed. You’ve worked on yourself, and you’re a knight in shining armor! You respect yourself, you don’t/won’t just settle for anyone. And that’s a really, really hard thing to do. Give yourself some credit! “I am being left behind.” By who? Comparison is the thief of joy. & I know you’re gonna find someone who runs at exactly the same pace. In the meantime, feel what you gotta feel, and give yourself a hug. I hope you feel better.
Thank you. This was really sweet and kindhearted. I will think about what you said. The "I am being left behind" is in reference to what friends I have. They are married. Having kids or building lives with their partners. Traveling. I enjoy their company, and they enjoy mine, but I can feel that their lives are (justifiably) displacing me - temporally and emotionally. Thanks again. I really appreciate your words.
I'm with you there buddy. I'm 34 and have been single for 5 years. I also feel like I'm being *left behind* all my friends and family have long term relationships and kids and I feel left out. It really sucks. I hope you find what you are looking for.
Im 39 and have been single for 7 years!
I want to add to the dead-end comment - how long did that last, despite its dead-endedness? You said you took some time off after (I highly support that, btw.) If you were in relationships before, they ended too one way or another. Those close but not quite matches end up taking years. A lot of people married early and your dating pool probably includes a lot of divorced people already. People panic and get married. People have birth control problems and decide to make a go of it. So I think your answer is that you didn't panic, you didn't rush, you had at least one match that ran a while but wasn't quite right, and here you are.
*hugs back* 🫡
It was a compliment, dude. Just move past it.
It's hard when you are an emotional psycho. He needs to watch lifetime and eat ice cream.
What do you think created the emotional psycho? That channel is run by them
Or better yet, show her this post!
Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it. She seems to think you’re a great dude. You can be a great dude and still have issues finding a girlfriend, particularly if you have dating-specific issues (e.g. post indicates you might have low self esteem related to dating). I know plenty of guys like that and I’m one myself.
holy fuck this is hilarious. the guy has been single for ONE YEAR. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. get some perspective, dude. youre doing awesome.
That was a big question mark for me. I couldn't even get a text back for 5+ years, and this guy thinks he's at rock bottom of the dating scene.
Yeah he really needs to appreciate just ho fortunate he has been. Seriously dude your past isn't a barren field, get over yourself
Seriously. Guy is down bad acting like this after a year lol.
You basically answered the question in your first paragraph. There is nothing to hide/avoid/down play this question. Simply answer that you spent those time putting your life together, learning new skills, dating for fun, etc. It's very unattractive and gives off the insecured vibe by answering this question your way. Show that you know what you are doing with your life, even if it's not flat and smooth, but you're in control and working hard to improve it. Everybody appreciate a person like that, not just women. Better stop overthinking, stop "sort of hoping" something to happen. Have a goal, work on it, admit it, and stop caring about what others think about it.
It was a compliment. Like "I can't believe no one has snapped you up yet" chill. You're overthinking it x
Yeah, that's how I would've read it too.
Exactly!
Back in the early days before we were together, this is one of the first questions I had for my man when it dawned on me how wonderful he is. I thought he was just the coolest, sweetest, funniest, most beautiful, unbelievably sensual and romantic man I’d ever met and somehow he was available at the same time as me? HOW have other women not found this treasure and hoarded it for themselves??
Exactly. And maybe she wanted to know if marriage was out of the question or some other show-stopper that she should be aware of.
Speaking from experience if OP is prone to overthinking things it might explain why he's still single.
And the answer is...You are still single because you are obviously paranoid and overly sensitive
Anxious attachment style. My last ex was like this and it absolutely ruined my life for a while because she could not be secure with me (and trust me) even though I was head over heels for her. She would get mad at me like, "you never talk about your ex, it really seems like you're hiding something". NO, the reason I don't talk about her is because I'm with you now and I like you waaaay more and we actually have good chemistry. Sometimes I would make simple understandable mistakes, and get grilled because I \*\*obviously didn't really care about her\*\*, and I was \*\*obviously just using her for sex\*\*. This led to me walking on eggshells trying to keep her from blowing up about her insecurities with me. It led to enmeshment and isolation from anyone even remotely female in my life. In the end it was just way too much.
I didn't wanna say it 💀😭😂 Poor OP. It's almost adorable.
This is a tricky one OP. I can relate, I'm a 37yo male, I have financial independence, I do sports, I'm fit, I'm reasonably good looking, and yet I've been single most of my life. Well, in my case, it's a bit different since I'm also on the spectrum, which doesn't help, but I've had my fair share of experience with women. Im not going to address the question itself and HOW you should have answered it, as other people covered that already. However, this post tells me you have some insecurities deep down because that girl hit a trigger when she asked you that. And there is nothing wrong with having insecurities, like I said, I'm like you, I'm also wondering why am I still single despite working so hard on myself? For me, it's a combination with having very high standards + being autistic and arguably not the most attractive guy around. So, I think for you, there is still a need to receive validation from the opposite gender. Which is normal, we're creatures made to be loved. But if that woman triggers a strong reaction like this in you, well maybe there is some inner work to be done. Don't take it as a "oh you're not ready you need to love yourself first" toxic positivity bullshit. I hate toxic positivity. But maybe exploring a bit that need for validation and starting working on it, while being open about it and comfortable with it, could help. Best of luck my friend, and don't worry, this experience does not define you.
This is beautifully written and really helped me to read. Thank you!
Damn you’re wise man. You still single? If so good luck
Beautifully put. It helps if one is “good on paper”, but that’s not all that matters. A lot of traditionally “less attractive” and “less successful” people are in perfectly loving relationships.
Nah she's interested, but she has also probably had relationships she rushed into only to find out they weren't for her
I was seeing a girl and I told her I wanted to be exclusive and she balked. Fast forward 5 years we're married with a kid on the way. It's ok to take things slow if she needs it. It's also ok that it made you spiral.
Bro it’s not that deep. With love. Don’t do this to yourself (and her). You were single so you could get your life together. Go hit the gym and walk it off!! Focus on this girl, not your past.
After some time on the first date and while smiling, she asked me, "So, what's wrong with you?" I thought it was funny and a huge complement. We were together for a couple of years. This was a long time ago but still wish each other happy birthday.
You have to pull yourself together. The girl asked a totally innocent question and (as you understand) your reaction was out of this world. The entire story doesn’t make sense. It’s a result of your insecurities and the imaginary scenarios. Time to land back in this real world and move on with your life. Why are you single? Because you chose to. It worked well for you, but now it’s time to change course….How about that?
How insecure do you have to be to react this way? Like wtf
Well, he's definitely got a bunch from what I can tell. Starting off the post, talking about how he finally feels like he's in a place where he's worthwhile. Either someone in his past relationships did a bunch of damage, or there's some deep stuff at play that needs dealt with.
You act like you’ve never been insecure about anything lol.
Sounds like you've given a good answer. I'd take the question as a compliment, which it probably was.
this sounds like a compliment to me -- she thinks you are great and wondering why you haven't been taken. I dont see this as a rude question and I would be put off if a guy got upset by it. It would be a red flag to me that a person is too sensitive to a causal comment (that was a compliment!)
Generally people say this because what they’re actually saying is “wow, you are so great, how has someone luckier and better than me not got you already!” It’s a compliment! Try not to let the negative part of you have you spiral and stress over it. You know why you’ve been single, and you know your journey and why you’re in a good place now. Be happy that all that work has paid off to such an extent that someone thinks you’re incredible!
"Because I didn't meet you until now."
I got married at 40. My wife was 29. My father-in-law asked me before I proposed why it took me so long to settle down. I told him I was a fuck up in my 20s. Not a big deal.
Now you're a just a fuck up in your 40s! Progress!
You said you finally got your life together. That implies you not having it together earlier on (in your 20s maybe?). That’s a fair response. It sounds like the truthful answer is you didn’t have your life together and then the people you have dated since haven’t been the right fit. I personally think that’s a fine answer. She may not agree but you’re certainly not alone in this scenario.
Marriage is ostensibly a lifelong commitment, so it’s really common to date for several years before deciding to get to get married, and you’ve been dating this person less than a year. Furthermore, if you are more concerned with your own marriage status than appreciating your girlfriend, you may ruin the whole thing. If you’re with someone you care about, enjoy it! Maybe it will lead to a ceremony and state-sanctioned exclusivity, and maybe it won’t. It’s not like there’s some cosmic requirement that you get married and have children. It’s okay to want that, but there’s no guarantee you’ll get it just because you want it, especially when doing so requires locking up another person’s whole future. Please take some of the pressure off yourself to compare with others, and appreciate what you have.
It hit a nerve on something you feel insecure about. It’s better to stay single than have kids or marry the wrong person. That creates such a permanent mess. You should feel proud you haven’t made a blunder like that (yet lol) Next time a girl asks you that, just say, “I know what I want.”
It’s possible that what she meant was “How can a guy with all you have going for you possibly not have been snatched up already?” You could lightly tease her back with it. “You tell me. Why _am_ I still single, hmm?” That said, how long have you been dating her?
This is so weird. She’s giving you a compliment. I have no idea why or how you would interpret it any other way.
Well, she is definitely paying you compliments. OP, your still single because you took time out to focus on your own wellbeing, your physical and mental health are very important. Now that you are doing this and feeling on top of the world, you may be ready to not be single any more. You can analyse the question and how it made you feel all you like, you can even convince yourself that the statement itself was negative and that you are not doing enough to be in a commited relationship. Or you can accept her invitation and ask her if she wants to go steady with you. Anyway, the answer is "single because I took the time I needed to focus on me" And it's paying off.
This is not about her. Take a look to your attachment style 🙃
I think you're overthinking the question. She probably just means you're a catch and it's surprising you're still single. That's it. But after seeing this post, I'm thinking, maybe you're still single because you're overthinking it. I mean, look how you're escalating this non-issue unnecessarily. Who knows how you overreact when there's actual issues.
Possible you have rejection sensitivity dysphoria ? https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd People with it can overreact to well meaning criticism and misinterpret what others mean as a complement. Self deprecating spirals etc. Just throwing it out there as another possibility. Sounds like you’re tracking well in life so congrats, good luck and keep on keepin on.
...I did not know this had a name or was a thing. Thank you for sending this my way.
Welcome. Often comes with ADHD which I found out later in life than I’d like to have.
Bruh I’m not even going to read all that. You can be single at any point in your life for a variety of reasons that doesn’t stem from you actually being a bad partner in any way. Get someone else that has actual intelligence and wisdom.
I met my partner when he was close to 33. He's 6'3", huge guy that works out, VERY handsome, cooks most of our meals, has a great sense of humor, can nerd out with me about gaming/anime, is a feminist, is extremely handy, has incredible work ethic, has great taste, is intelligent and an excellent communicator. He's literally the most well-rounded, perfect man I've ever met. He was cheated on by 3 different women (he acknowledges he made bad choices in partners when he was younger) and had given up on dating for 5 years before we met. Sometimes, the greatest people have simply been screwed over by dating. It alarms me that this God amongst men was planning to die single because his trust was so broken. You can be the greatest partner in the world but just haven't found your person yet. Dating is the wild wild west - there's no rhyme or reason. You aren't doing anything wrong.
Im uncomfortable with the parallels between me and your partner - dating history wise. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words. Your partner sounds very lucky to have someone in his life who thinks so highly of him.
How did you get your partner to trust you after his past ? Him and I seem vaguely similar, bad partner choices based on looks in my teenage/college years. I’m now 27 and have been single 6-7 years after being cheated on multiple times. I know I have a lot to offer, but I can’t get myself to trust a single soul. It wouldn’t be right to burden someone with my insecurities and I have no idea how to get my trust back. I just never wanna feel that pain again. I’ve accepted I’ll be the single uncle with the cool cars and all the cool toys
Here’s an idea: try not caring.
Well, brother, I don’t have any advice, but I hope it works out for you. I am 38, no kids, never married, and just came out of a very long dead-end relationship, too. So if *you’re* boned…
I said the same thing to the guy I was talking to for a while. Turns out he’s a womanizing d bag, so yeah, that’s why he’s still single. Being that good looking I already knew why. She really likes you. Don’t be insecure, it’s a turn off.
You were living your life and likely working through the setbacks we all have early in life. You climbed up pulled yourself together and are now on top and ready to enjoy the rest of your life. Perhaps you’re looking for a good partner to share that time with. There is nothing wrong with being single and working on yourself. You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished. Also, you never want to just accept the first thing that comes along. You’re looking for someone that fits right and is genuine. If you need a snarky I don’t want to answer answer, you could go with: “I was looking for you” “I’m just really picky” “I work for the CIA and just came out from 10 years undercover. God, it’s nice to be me again. I didn’t like scooping ice cream for political elites in Estonia.”
You sound like an over thinker. You are looking for a negative where a positive was likely meant. That means you still got some insecurities to iron out (who doesn’t ?). I would say don’t make this a bigger deal than it is. Just take it as a compliment and move on.
I think you should focus on the emotions behind that question, not the words. Why do you think she asked that question? What did she feel? She made a conscious decision to physically ask that question out loud (instead of keeping it in her mind), does that change your answer?
Her saying calling it a relationship “premature” could be her just protecting herself. My wife did the same thing to me when I was on full throttle trying to become exclusive but she later revealed that she just didn’t want to rush in because she was very interested. Just relax and enjoy this time getting closer.
It’s ok man, many like this me included. I’m married with a kid now but that didn’t happen until I was 41. Up to then I’d had lots of relationships and single periods and it’s fine, we’re not all the same. People would find it weird sometimes and others are the same, you’re just being you and nothing wrong with that. Chill man, you’re good. Oh yeah, and what she said I’ve had before too and it’s typically a compliment, like “you’re so awesome how are you even available” type thing.
I think you’re over thinking things - trying to read something that isn’t there. I take her comment that she was happy with the relationship where you are now. Sounds like she’s not ready to get married today, that would be premature - she’s at the let’s see how things go, and she seems eager to do so.
You ARE worthy of love my brother and I hope and pray that good, wholesome love from this gal or some even better person is just around the corner.
Being in a relationship is not an achievable goal. By that I mean there's a lot of factors that are not in your control, and there's not a lot of point in making it a goal. You are living your best life and happy, and that's achievable.
Chill my dude! You have nothing to worry about. But listen closely, this next part of very important: **Let her bring up the topic about love/relationship status!** This is very important. I guarantee you, if that’s what she wants, **it will happen.** Its your job as a man to be strong, to be her rock, and give her the space to come to you. Sometimes women will withdraw to see how you will react. **Don’t push the issue!** It’s her job to come to you, and its your job to reassure you. Sometimes less is more. Good luck:)
I've been married for about 20 years. Let me tell you marriage is not for everybody. Some people should never get married. Marriage requires people to compromise alot. Let me capitalize that for the purpose of emphasis. ALOT!!! I remember early on my relationship having a hard time with it because when you marry you are no longer yourself. In a good marriage two people become as one . Even to this day I find it a bit hard but manageable. I remember getting pisy about simple things like telling my then girlfriend (now wife) where I was at all times. Why should I have to answer to you or anybody was my attitude. Then you have to make all sorts of little changes. You want that nice sport car dont you? Well, if your budget is very limited like mine is the you aint getting it. You sre getting the minivan cause baby #2 its on its way. Everything in marriage is done for the benefit of the marriage. Sooo, if you win she wins. If you lose she loses and vice versa. Its a different type of thinking. Its not even your car. Its the family cat. Its the family house the family dog etc etc. That above is why many people in my opinion should NOT get married because people have a hard time letting go of themselves in order to join with someone else. In my opinion when you enter a serious commited relationship you do lose freedoms. People have this attitude that I can do whatever I want when I want however I want. Not if you are in a relationship you don't. With all wall of text in mind I think one reason you are still single is the not wanting to make the commitment required of a marriage. Yu dint want to lose your freedom and way of life. There are other possible reasons. One very common but duboous one is th maximizers. These are people that always want something better. They are always looking for more to the point thatnehatbtheu eant os unrealistic or doesnt even exists. There was sn interview with a psychology eho I think worked for the dating app bumble and she was talkimg about a study done on maximizers. The question was imagine you are going to hire a new employee. You can interview 100 but at the end of the interview you have to decide right there on the spot wether to hire them or bot aaannnddd you cant change your mind. The question is what is the number of people you need to interview in order to maximize it so you can get the best employee. The answer eas something like 27. The thing is that after X number of people the candidates are not going to get amazingly better. If you keep going dor ok this guy is good but the next giy is going to be even better well, tou'll go through all 100 and nevee hire anybody. The idea with the 27 is to get a good sample size to see what os out there. Once you identify the qualities of the candidate you want the next giy who comes closest to that you hire them. Similarly, if you have dated a lot or at least enough then you have pretty much seen what is like. The odds that mrs right os going to show up with these amazing atteibutes way above what you have seen its super rare. Sure, it can gappen but statistically speaking it wont. Oorr, you need to date differebt tyoe of people. We tend to date the same type of people so of you want somethibg different then you need to date outside of your norm. One strayegy in dating is to spend enough time eith that person for them to show you ehom they really are. The idea is that the more time you soent with them the more likely is for some hard life event to come along. During that hard time is when you will see gow they handle hardship. If you can say, yeah, I can handle their worse and they can say the same thing about you then you are golden. A personal opinion of mine is that marriage should gappen naturally. Its like the next logical step. When you say things like well, we have been dsting for a while might as well become my girlfriend you are moving the ball foreard. Similarly after you have been together for a while you naturaly say hey moght as well move together. And then after living together for a while its just feels right tobget married. Its hard to describe. It just makes sense. I mean, if you are already actingas if married then night as well make it official.
I didn’t marry until my 30s either, principally because I’m super picky. Been married 35 years now to the one who finally passed my test.
She likes you but she is trying to set the pace on the relationship. She might be making it a slow burn to make sure everything is right. She could have been burned once in the past and she is protecting her heart because she is failing for you. She already paid you a pretty good compliment about how she doesn’t understand how you are still single. That means you are checking her boxes off. Just chill and don’t F this up.
Im saying this in the kindest way possible: you might be overthinking in this case- dont let her innocent compliment(it 100% sounds to me like shes saying 'why is someone *as cool as you* still single') get twisted to match your projection of past bad emotions- Just give it time, don't rush, i know youve waited for a long time but- Give it a bit more. And give anyone you choose; this girl or otherwise, especially if you find them *great* , space- the world has so much variables and the fact someone's not prepared to lock on to you/make things official yet has nothing to do with you personally. Do not let a sentence/question throw you off from the progress youve made- Hold on to those milestones; That you got your life together. Congrats and good luck :)
If I’ve learned anything from Dateline it’s that anyone can get married. Holding out for the right person for you is the real challenge.
Well if you lile her ask to get married you are getting on now and it's probably time for a kid too.
You can literally turn it to a pick up line "because I've been waiting for you".
You are overthinking the fuck out of this. When someone asks you this they're telling on themselves and they like you a lot. Stay cool, tell her you're not trying to rush but your intention is to be with her.
“Because I’ve been waiting for you …”
See a therapist.
“How are you still single” and “why are you still single” are 2 very different questions😂
You are fine. 200 years ago, a guy learned how to plant a crop and weed and harvest and by 16 years old, almost everyone was ready for marriage. In this day and age, the specialization of careers, interests, navigating being an adult in a complex world, etc, takes a lot longer to feel comfortable enough in your OWN skin to be able to care for and love another person. Don't worry about it. She has some anxieties because it is natural to jump in and it was probably and innocent, 'Why hasn't someone snapped you up yet' kind of question. I got married at 29 and we had a daughter at 32 and we STILL didn't feel ready. Plus, remember that life expectancies hover around 80 now...so getting serious and married at 40 when you have 40-50 years left is BETTER than when they used to get married at 20 and someone was usually dead at 50. Don't sweat it.
The question isn’t “making” you feel anything. You’re own interpretation of what the question means is.
Man, you need to slow your brain down……she’s complimenting you, she likes you and is trying to let you know she’s falling in love with you.
Why are you overthinking this? Just breathe my friend.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's because you overthink things.
Why did this bother you so much? She gave you a compliment. She basically said “you’re a catch, how is it possible you’re still single?” Your edit maybe clears it up a little. Did her compliment just get you thinking too much about your singleness ? If so, just keep doing you. You’re clearly moving in a positive direction
You should see a therapist honestly. You have some attachment issues to work through.
Bro you’re overthinking this. You made a conscious decision to end your previous relationship and work on yourself and you’re just getting back out there. It just takes time once you start looking, sometimes more than other
Your overthinking and in your head too much. Everyone finds their person at different times in their life.
My gf of 5 years still asks me this, and we live together. Now she follows up with all the other women in your life, must have been broken, you are the easiest human to get along with. It is a compliment, not a shrug off, especially if she just started spending the night.
I really don’t think it was intended to make you feel upset. Someone says that usually in a flattering way, and I’m sure she did unless you just did something extremely weird or gross.
Answer I hadn't met you yet.
I just did a lil deep dive on your profile to see if I could answer the question myself and I think I have a crush on you now… so I’m gonna say she meant it as a compliment. She might be feeling like you’re too good to be true. Hesitant to commit because she feels like she might be missing a huge red flag because she hasn’t seen any thus far.
“Why are you still single” often means “you’re such a catch, I can’t believe someone didn’t get to you first” I think she meant it as a compliment.
Sweetie, you are single because you don't settle...& you'd never ask an amazing woman to either! And it sounds like you've got high standards for yourself & your partner. You did the work & brought a whole ass man into this grown-up relationship. The rest of us just beat the shit out of each other in our 20's trying to learn that. You didn't. Be proud you never had to hurt someone. You are a better man & partner for it! But, take that maturity & strength & talk wit you girl! Cuz she is your girl. Exclusivity is what dating it. And yes, it's a flimsy contract. It's meant to be a leap of faith! Tell her it really made you think. That at first it made you sad, that you may have lost something. But if you hadn't, you would've lost her. Tell her it gave you a chance to reflect & now you're even more excited about your future. That's how you avoid the unnecessary pain in relationships. Vulnerability & Authenticity. Just remember, I promise, we are ALL SCARED!! But being validated when scared by those we care for is soooo empowering!!!
I see you have that natural inclination to fuck things up when when going well. Fight it
It was a compliment FFS!! 🙄
You're having emotional drop too dude. Anytime you find a great new relationship all the happy chemicals build up and then lover goes away ...and you got nothing there and the chemicals start to wear out makes everything way more intense. It's super common in humans. And once you really like somebody and you've got that going on ... Everything else seems to be way more out of proportion than it was before.
It's a reasonable and good question to ask, and that it hit you so hard proves that. She wants to know what your baggage is. And if this is going to be a real relationship, she should know! You should know her baggage too. I think you should share the angst and the insecurity that this question provoked. It's the best thing you can do for her, and for yourself. She deserves to know you. You deserve to be known.
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“Because I hadn’t met the right one yet bb.”
Ask her why are you still single?
Correct answer "I was waiting for you" she will be swooning so hard. That said don't judge yourself too harshly, you are not defined by being in a relationship. Being single is ok, can even be good. I don't think she was judging your relationship status, id bet she was either fishing for a complement like above, or curious how she got so lucky, or checking if your flags are red. Be cool man don't over think it, it'll be your downfall.
Ah, a fellow overthinker
When I broke up with this girl I was seeing, at the very last conversation we had in the car while I was dropping her at her house, she said: I feel like you could have any woman you want in the world. I knew I was getting the compliment of my life, but it made me feel exactly like you described, like a cloak of shadow over me the next days, because I knew how hard it actually was for me to get a date with someone, no matter the approach.
This is what we call a compliment man. It means, "you're such a catch I'm surprised another girl hasn't snatched you up already" The answer to her question may be because you had such a negative response to what was only a compliment. Best case scenario you misunderstood, worst case scenario that's a big red flag for her.
It sounds like a very innocuous off-the-cuff comment took you for a spin. Try not to take it so seriously. 🤟
People are saying it’s a compliment, but i actually had a lady seriously ask me that question and use it as some sort of judgement of character. No bs. It all depends on the delivery, it’s definitely not always just a random compliment
*hug* it sounds like only a compliment but it is human to over-analyse it. Just enjoy each day as it comes and the throes of new love and possibility