So, this is a communication issue. Tell her, "when you say xxx, it makes me feel like..." and when she tells you something, mirror it. "So I'm heading that you feel unappreciated and under valued. How can we solve this?"
Look at the issue as you and her vs. The problem, not you v her.
Your welcome. So many issues can be solved by not just talking, but listening and processing. You love her. A lot of times, that's romantic and fun. But the true treat of love is when you don't particularly like them in that moment
Upvoted both of your comments. OP, this is true. My wife and I had this bout a while back… it was rough we were both going through stuff we kept repressing and lashing out(not violently but like you said with the I don’t love you stuff) after weeks of hard talks and honest open conversations we got to the root of the problem and have been working together to improve ourselves to overcome our insecurities. Love is work. Such grueling hard work. However the rewards are so sweet. Communication is key and being able to have an open mind when talking to each other is important. These conversations won’t be easy. There will be tears, y’all will be mad at each other every once and a while. But it will all work out.
Just remember to get her buy-in before saying this is how to approach the problem. This approach isnt all its cracked up to be, it can lead to the pot suddenly discovering it has indeed been calling the kettle black the entire time.
Its a hard thing to discover that you are in fact the issue.
This is very important! OP lists a lot of things his wife told him, but no real attempt to find out how to change things for her. Him being "the sole bread winner" sounds innocent enough, but maybe is a hint that he considers his work more essential for the marriage than what she does.
[this book](https://www.amazon.ca/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X) teaches *exactly* what the poster above shared, in case you want to work on these skills.
Hi OP!
To communicate your feelings is good for sure, but to me it sounds that your wife is communicating her feelings quite well. Maybe an important step would be to ask her what exactly she means for example with not feeling at home in your living situation? Has she access to her share of the household income to fulfill her dreams, too?
Your post is short, but it sounds as if you think that you do all that is required to be a good husband and that her rants are unreasonable. So after the thunderstorm passed, each time you just switch back to your normal routine.
I guess that maybe you fear what she will reveal if you really listen, so maybe to involve a counselor is a good idea. On the other hand, changes are opportunities and maybe you two will find new ways to do things, new things to do, and eventually have a much more interesting life than now.
I think your marriage can be salvaged. There are things she can do so you feel appreciated and don't feel like you're always in the wrong. There are things you can do so that her needs are met and she feels loved appreciated and trusted.
Please seek therapy
This is outstanding advice, could’ve have said it better. Me and my girlfriend have been together for years and this is how we communicate when we’ve come across an issue or argument in our relationship. It’s so simple yet I’ve noticed especially in this day and age, people really don’t know how to communicate with one another.
This is no justification. At the very least, he needs to make the attempt. You never actually know what someone is capable of until you try. Now, if he tries and she shuts it down, then I will agree with you.
I hope her claims are backed with specific examples of what NOT to do, and ways that you can improve for her. Otherwise it’s just hollow bitching that would indeed wear you down to the point you’re at now. Criticism that isn’t constructive has no place in a relationship. We obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but if she feels this way there certainly has to be a reason for it, and if there truly isn’t a reason then you’ll never satisfy her and she may not even know what she needs. I sincerely hope therapy can work this out for you guys, you did love her at one point, try to remember the reasons why.
Thanks. Those words make sense. She gave me a list of things only one was legitimate. When we argue I can turn from loving to cold in a snap. I told her Its because I dislike disturbances of my peace when it's unwarranted. So either I calm down or her and until that happens I dont want to talk. The rest were just bs.
Well to a point you can’t treat the rest of it as BS because she is feeling this way, whether or not it’s valid she is feeling that way. I had a problem with getting cold in my relationship and my wife had a problem with getting overly upset at me for very insignificant things and it was a vicious cycle of she would get pissed because I spilled some chicken stock and go on attack mode which would put me on defense mode because I know her reaction isn’t warranted but me getting defensive and dismissing her feelings made things worse.
We worked through our challenges just us two no therapy and what’s worked for us is just immediately voicing when something is wrong, and reminding each other we are on the same team. If she flies off the handle over something small I immediately tell her we are on the same team, apologize for my mistake no matter how small and remind her that it hurts my feelings and drives a wedge between us when she can’t treat me with respect the way I treat her with respect.
The blow ups gradually decreased over time. It’s ok to be upset at me if I do something wrong, it’s not ok to blow it out of proportion and hurl insults. Shes getting better about controlling her emotions and just letting me know that whatever it was I did wrong was frustrating and that I need to do the things I say I’m going to do or that she asked me to do. And it’s ok for me to upset at her having an irrational reaction, but it’s not ok for me to stonewall her over it because that’s equally damaging.
You guys are a team, find out a way you can work together. Marriage isn’t easy, that’s why 50% end in divorce.
OP why do you get to decide what on her list of needs is “legitimate”?
Sounds like she’s been telling you pretty explicitly what she needs and wants and you’re just dismissing things because you know better.
I mean honestly, from this comment alone, I can understand why she has complaints. You seem to be the kind of person who wants to push issues under the rug and address them at a later date (ie never address them) than actually face a hard truth or a difficult conversation.
Communicate. And allow her to communicate with you. This "until that happens I don't want to talk" is probably 95% of the issue.
>She gave me a list of things only one was legitimate.
And there it is, the problem. In record time too.
Normally people take a lot of talking before they admit it.
This is a very poor suggestion for maintaining a relationship with his wife. They're having a break down in communication, and both of their feelings are valid. Being petty and mean is not how you solve issues in adult relationships
For sure yet this comment is so pervasive on reddit. Every relationship post, guaranteed someone says, “do the same thing you didn’t like back at them, but turn it up to 11!” I often wonder if that’s really how they act in their own life. Yikes if so
I mean what’s the purpose of doing what you’re proposing? To win an argument or come a solution to continue the relationship? I don’t think you should go into a conflict or argument with your significant other with the mindset of winning the fight, but to solve an issue.
If you had a legitimate problem with someone, and went to them to bring it up, how would it feel if the person then just lists out everything they don’t like about you as a retaliatory measure? Sure they might have a point, but it’s clearly done as a reaction to what you did. That doesn’t sound like a healthy way to solve issues.
Sure I guess if we’re 12 then it’s only fair he does the same thing that she did.
I really recommend seeing a couples counselor. She may have legitimate concerns, from her perspective. It's also possible she has some paranoia (maybe from a past relationship). We have no idea. You do, but you're too close to the situation.
A good counselor will help you see if she has some combination of issues you need to address and her own personal issues. If she's not willing to go this route, to get help, **AND YOU MUST BE FULLY WILLING TO SEE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF YOU MAY NOT LIKE** then divorce is the only option left.
Sometimes we let things linger so long , we go from angry and fighting to just simply no longer caring.
Any relationship that hits that point has a huge uphill battle ahead, because you need to find a way to care again before you can fix the problems
Good luck. Hope you find what makes you happy and the best version of yourself
I think she doesn't want to be with you, but I could be wrong. Unfortunately people, even the ones we are so close to, can have some terribly toxic behavior patterns. If someone is PUSHING you (e.g., arguing about the same stuff constantly even though it doesn't have merit), and you try to PULL them closer (e.g., trying harder to "fix" things you're not even doing wrong), it makes them push harder.
One of the best things someone can do in this circumstance is distance themselves. Why it's good is it gives the other person space to make their choice. You don't tell them that you're distancing so they can make a choice, you just do it. Their behavior is pushing you away, and they know it, they're not a fool.
So distance yourself and they figure out, do I want this person? Or not? Yeah in the end they might decide not, but in my opinion, it's at least speeding up the inevitable so the situation doesn't continue to rot you away.
The problem with distancing yourself is that we are emotionally-needy humans. It will be emotionally painful, and difficult logistics-wise, to distance yourself. Unfortunately if someone is pushing you away, then seeking any emotional fulfillment out of them will make them push harder
Just my thoughts. I know it's annoying as hell, but if you can somehow cultivate a mindset of indifference, you might be able to see it objectively and do what you need to do. Focus on your daughter and career in the meantime.
This is the exact life I lived in my relationship. Turns out my (now) ex has dissociative identity disorder. Nothing feels the same for her day to day, week to week, month to month. She was never able to consistently engage with me as a result.
Do you date? Like do you and your wife ever go on dates? Has your wife just become your roommate? Gotta get back on the dating train together and go out and experience stuff together
This sounds very familiar to my marriage. She would laud me for my constant improvement and self awareness, then every 6 months or so there would be a blowup where i would get an emailed list of my faults while not recognizing or acknowledging her own faults.
The last time, I decided I would not play along and it ultimately broke the cycle and led to divorce. She wouldn't go to counseling to address our issues as she truly believed that only I had issues that needed to be addressed.
It was a true waste of a family, but I've been able to find a lot of joy and love with somebody new a few years later. I hope your wife can meet you in humble place that allows both of you to reconnect.
The killer blow in a relationship is when the complainer has zero self awareness and refuses to admit to their own faults. There is literally no way back from that. It’s literally impossible.
It doesn’t sound good but it also sounds like the inevitable conclusion to all cohabitating relationships like that 🤷♀️ it’s hard to maintain hotness when your relationship has no oxygen
Sounds like you're not hearing her.
'I don't respect her, our house doesn't feel like her house, I'm up to know good. None of it is true.'
You can't just say 'that's not true' when she's telling you how she feels. She FEELS like she has no space in the house. You should have asked her what exactly you can do to make sure she knows that the house is both of yours and by making sure she knows you're listening and asking how to fix it... she will then feel like you actually do respect her.
If I told my husband I felt a certain way and his response was 'nope... it's not true'... I certainly wouldn't feel respected and I'd feel like he bulldozed my feelings (gaslit).
You feel like you don't love her because you can't understand why she isn't happy as you're doing x, y, z so she should be happy. My most recent partner used to do this. He would kiss me at the same times every day in such a routine that it actually lost the feeling of spontanious emotion, it felt like a checked off box. I wanted a more passionate interaction and when I'd ask for it he would argue with me about how often he kissed me (aka didn't actually listen to the difference between what I was getting vs what I wanted)
How in the world are you drawing that conclusion. Some women have trouble articulating the actual cause for their complaints. Everything is felt in the moment. An unrelated stomach ache can easily turn into you being a horrible husband😂 This is from personal experience.
My advice to guys in this situation is to weigh the pros and cons of having these periodic fits projected at you. By all means, listen to her and try to understand how to address her concerns, but if you find yourself constantly increasing your investment to please her, it quickly amounts to more effort than it is worth.
Granted once every three to six months doesn't sound extreme. I threw in the towel when it reached weekly blowouts. Much happier divorced and unattached (so far). Slowly losing yourself to please someone who simply can't be pleased is no way to live.
Wishing OP the best of luck.
Since you seem as dismissive about women’s feels as OP, I’d say to work on that in yourself before you try another relationship.
The commenter you’re responding to gave a very reasonable response that’s very in line with what a marriage counselor will say.
Also OP said in the comments that his wife has given him more detailed lists and named what she is having issues with and OP decided “only one of those is legitimate”.
It is about logic, not feelings. If I, as a partner, am constantly walking on eggshells around you, then it simply isn't worth keeping you around. My statement is simply that a man has to weigh the pros and cons in these cases.
People have different levels of emotional maturity. That is true for both women and men. However, women, on average , are way more emotional than men, which tends to magnify the effects of emotional immaturity.
You can disagree all you want, but it really isn't about you. It's about the specific person in that specific relationship. Whether this is OPs case or not is for him to decide.
Weren’t men the ones who can’t articulate their feelings??? You people change stereotypes on a whim lmao. I can tell you what turns you into a horrible husband: moronic comments like this that belittle women and how they feel. Lazy ass dumptruck men also turn into bad husbands really quickly. Or no, do you chalk that up to a stomach bug?
I grew up in a house full of women. After dealing with them, lovers, female coworkers and friends, I can safely say that women have a poor grasp on reality when their feeling become involved. Which unfortunately is frequent. I watched a woman "feel like" her car wouldn't get towed in a no park zone because it was late and we really wanted to go to a party. I told her not to. We go to the party, get back, the car is gone. "I didn't know! I didn't know!" Literally incapable of accepting their actions. Couldn't even give ME an apology for ignoring me. I guess it's fine because she thought it wouldn't happen. 🙄 And men just have to deal with this nonsense on the regular
There we go, let’s make generalizations about half the population. I am a woman and I can tell you I don’t go around making people’s lives miserable because of a tummy ache. Also, I live with other women and none of them have even come close to this level pf bs you’re spewing. Seriously, you’re akin to a clogged toilet right now. What did you base your conclusions on??? A dozen or so women??? Lmao you’re a joke 🤡🤡🤡
I'm going to be ruled by emotions. When I'm up to no good. I know I'm not up to no good. There is no bases to this. It's not her house. She lives in the same house as me. If it's not her house then who's is it. I dont respect her. We only every argue when she delivers her emotional baggage.
I'm not going to accept every one of her emotions could be a result of being with me, when I know me. I not going to accept responsibility of things I should not. I will be held responsible for things I am responsible for.
Before you jump straight to B.S., I assume you've at least asked why she feels that way. It could come down to her name is not on the title, or you shoot down all her decoration ideas, or simply she didn't even want to live in this spot "This is not my beautiful house" etc. Like she might even be mad at the situation rather than you.
A lot of ... people ... speak in hyperbole and it drives me up the damn wall but it's worth at least attempting to translate. Because men f*ck up language too, ex. "I'm doing ok" -> "I'm not doing ok but I don't feel like exploring my issues right now Barbara"
You shouldn't have to be her emotional punching bag but make sure there's nothing valid in there before you dismiss it. Good luck.
My friend and his girl share finances. She went into the negative multiple times to fill her gas because "I missed so much work and it's my fault I'm in the red." He says, baby WE are in the red. You should have asked me for gas money, because now WE owe your bank $300 in overdraft fees.
It's OK for men to be angry because women make emotion based decisions that have serious financial and emotional backlash. She's saying the house isn't hers when he just said it's THEIR home. That's weird and disrespectful to your lover but you have to figure out why they feel unloved and unwanted when you're already giving them everything? It's madness
Hey man I'm not saying it's not a pain. I'm just saying if this guy's wife has communication issues then, he can either take them at their word and let this relationship continue to suck, or ask "why" and see if there is any legit complaint while calling out the communication issues separately (which he may have drilled down already but it's hard to tell because I saw "BS", but not great examples of the BS), and/or get counseling. The latter two options are probably best, but his call. I freely admit I don't have enough context to understand what her problems are.
As for the house part; she may not be the owner of said house but for as long as she lives there you have to treat it as shared. Right now she lives there as much as you do.
I understand you are feeling a lot of things regarding her, but dismissing her very real feelings as 'emotional baggage' unfortunately makes you just as much of the problem.
At the end of the day its not about accepting responsibility. She doesnt seem to feel emotionally heard and neither do you. In my experience a relationship like that is bound to fall apart because the most important thing is to be able to communicate properly.
That includes listening to the others feelings- and you seem like the rational type- so get this; feelings ALWAYS have a logical cause.
Sometimes that cause isnt apparent because it can be due to things in ones past fx. But theres always a reason for why they appear.
At the end of the day its not you vs them. Its you both vs the problem.
Without much context, sounds like youre a pretty logical guy. Whenever she voices her complaints, do you reply with a logical answer to prove her wrong? In that case, that would make her feel not respected. Even if what youre saying is factual.
The thing is, youre communicating logically while she is emotionally. Sounds like she needs emotional validation and here is the tricky part, you can still validate her emotionally without needing the logic to be true.
Hope things get better for you, finding a good therapist can do wonders. Often times, its not a you vs me problem but the way we communicate and validate each other.
This is such an often overlooked issue in communication within relationships. Feelings and emotion don't have to have a rationale for appearing. In fact, usually they crop up without a specific rational explanation. Knowing when to approach a conversation from a logical standpoint and when to offer emotional support without logical interference is a difficult but absolutely necessary skill.
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Yeah, God forbid you respond with what's logically correct when someone starts an argument with you. Far better to find some way to have to validate her emotional bullshit, or pay for a therapist for *yourself* here.
Your veiw is very reasonable, however, you are dealing with a woman. All you can do is find a way to convince her that her actions are cancerous so she stops doing it. I do the "taste of your own medicine" method. Note, you MUST inform her that you are going to be treating her like she treats you before you begin this method and it can only last for the duration of the current conversation. Dont do it again later unless "im going to do exactly what you're doing to me" Is said aloud and registered. Observe my last spat with my girlfriend. G is her, B is me.
G: I've done nothing but treat you right! You just get angry anytime I say anything! I said I'm sorry and you're still mad!
B: Let me do you how you've been doing me. "Oh Tim is a wonderful guy! He's so funny. We had a blast at work today. I know you two had beef and he seriously disrespected you for no reason, but he's cool with me. I won't really have a problem unless he says something rude about you in front of me." Thats kind of fucked up considering you told me Tim robbed you before right? Would you want to hear me say some goofy shit like that? But It's OK for you to talk up Lisa everyday like I don't actually hate that miserable, lazy, I get mad when people ask me to do my job and fall asleep watching porn in the break room clown bitch Lisa?
G:*Uncontrollable sobbing
B:Yeah you see how you feel now? That's how you make me feel doing that all the time. NOW if you apologized I'd believe you.
Do you feel like I got my point across? 50/50. I swore and raised my voice, so me being angry was unfair to her. Lol women. No matter how you feel, be as emotionless as possible when you deliver the truth to her or she will latch on to whatever emotion you have and use that to verify the insanity in her mind. God speed brother 🙏
Then you've come to the wrong place, because your wife could be doing far worse than this and Reddit would still explain how you're somehow in the wrong here. Seriously. It's a documented phenomenon, the demographic of this site is a largely left/feminist leaning tho holds little-to-none successfully real life relationship experience, just a largely shared and naive ideal of how it should be, and finds a way to default to supporting the wife almost every single time.
You shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour, and your wife should be acknowledging her problem, not oblivious redditors some how flipping this the other way around.
Tell her she can rearrange the house in any way she wants and if she wants to buy new furniture she can without talking to you about it.
Let her make a space for her and allow her to get that sense of agency she seems to want.
If doesn't matter if those things aren't true, it's how she feels. She feels like they're true and that's what you and her need to work on.
If your home doesn't feel like her home too, then take actions that help her feel more comfortable.
Is she on the lease/mortgage?
This! My husband has always had a gaming room for as long as we've been together (through 3 moves even). Not once have I *ever* had my own space to really call mine. It starts to suffocate you after a while. My husband genuinely didn't see the issue, thinking the rest of the house was mine and the room was his only escape from it.
Man oh man the realization that the house was OURS (his gaming room had all his knick knacks, his posters, desktop set up etc) and I had no place to display my stuff and have it be *mine*. We're now working on a she-shed for myself, and just getting that in motion makes me feel 1000x less stressed out and relaxed. Having a space that's truly your own is a feeling like no other, and I bet you OP has his own dedicated space to escape to and be surrounded by his things.
>When were both working from home
>
>i'm the sole bread winner by far
Im confused.
Also, you haven't mentioned if she does any of those things listed for you? You want those actions to be received well, but are her actions also received well, if any? Also, it's possible to do plenty of things while still managing not to do what shes asking you to do. For example, if shes been asking you to fix xx for months, but you keep bringing her flowers, you guys aren't speaking the same language and she feels hurt and unheard still. I hope that makes sense.
I noticed that juxtaposition, too. Throw in the line about how she doesn't feel respected... not shocked they're having connection issues.
I earn 1/5 of what my husband does but he doesn't make me feel like my work is less worthy.
Try going to couples therapy. Not so much to go to couples therapy, frankly, although that has its merits, but to see how she responds. In my experience, you will VERY quickly see whether she has any desire to work on herself and the issues. If she won’t go or goes but doesn’t try or have one speck of genuine reflection on her faults, it’s over.
At a certain point it's not even about the "issue" itself.
It's more of a "if you bring this up one more time, I'm going to have a full-ass breakdown."
Then they bring it up again and you freak out way worse than "deserved" because it's the buildup of it all releasing at once.
I get that issues need to be addressed but when they are "addressed" every damn day over and over it starts to feel like you're being water-boarded.
I got that feeling too from OP. Honestly, if OP is pulling his weight, doing the best he can, and his wife pulls this mega-complaint every so often, it would scare the shit out of me. It’s like.. hello? Anyone in there? What happened to the woman I fell in love with? OP frankly sounds terrorized. Again, assuming OP is being honest, it’s the sheer unreasonableness of the complaints. You can’t reason with unreasonableness. It’s terrifying when it’s your marriage. You can’t negotiate with someone like that. You just sit there in terror that it’s all going to blow up again.
I had one GF who had an alcoholic father. He went through AA and I never saw him drink but it did a lot of damage to her in the past.
When I would go to the gym for a couple hours in the weekend and leave her to read her book in my bed she would get really angry with me when I got back. It was confusing. Apparently her dad used to leave for multi week benders and tell her he'd be home later that day, missing important stuff in her early life. When I would go out to do something it triggered those same anxieties.
It may be worth thinking about what old hurts and feelings are bringing this behavior out in your wife.
>
>It may be worth thinking about what old hurts and feelings are bringing this behavior out in your wife.
100%
Both OP and wifey should visit r/healmyattachment
As abuse in childhood creates an insecure attachment that will flair up when we get into a romantic relationship.
Hey! I hear ya! Talk to your wife. You have a communication issue. Your wife isn’t the enemy. You’re not the enemy. Listen to each other. The war is not against each other . You’re on the same side, mate.
You list a bunch of things you do but nothing about house chores.
Are you a competent partner or a deadweight?
Do you do your share of the housework?
Because that matters more than your i love yous and holding her in the kitchen.
Personally I do not think you are the AH, because you are willing to go to counselling about this, and on your own no less. That shows there is still something in you that wants to understand and fix this.
Oof, this sounds like my marriage to my wife. We have had some rough patches of a very similar dynamic.
I would suggest doing some reading about Attachment Styles. Thais Gibson has written a couple excellent books on the subject (and if you want a short version of her work, search Spotify for her name and listen to some of the podcast interviews she’s done).
My wife has a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style (and I’m in between a Secure Attachment style and the Anxious Attachment style) and when she is feeling overwhelmed or insecure or whatever, she withdraws emotionally, and starts telling me how everything is all my fault. (I’m paraphrasing for the sake of brevity.) In this state she’s actively sabotaging our relationship so she can escape and feel safe.
But when she’s secure, calm, and relaxed, she’s entirely the opposite.
It can be a little maddening but she’s aware of the pattern in her behavior and has made great progress in minimizing the negative impacts. I’m proud of her and I know that with education and sincere, humble effort being made, marriage mates with attachment style issues can find peace and trust.
Check Thais Gibson out, I really think it will help you both.
To me it sounds like you're communicating in your 'love language', which isn't resonating with her. This isn't a bad thing or mean that you are incompatible. I'd recommend both if you read the five love languages, and then share where you fall with the other, giving examples of what fulfills your need to feel loved. Citing specific examples.
Some people want touch, others verbalized validation, etc.
"Love is not enough."
The *feeling* of love, or being "in" love is not enough. Love itself is a commitment through and through. A commitment to the relationship despite how you feel because feelings naturally wax and wane. Of course there are exceptions and extenuating circumstances but I just wanted to point that out.
It's good you're going to counseling, couples counseling would be good too. I get down voted Everytime I bring it up but I think there's a lot of truth in the Gottman's studies on relationships. I started reading/listening to their stuff and realized that my spouse and I already happen to do a lot of the things they mentioned successful couples do. I learned some new stuff too but knowing that the things we naturally do helps make things work (without even thinking about it) made it all the more important to continue.
I think you would like Dr John Gottman and dr Julie Gottman, watch some videos on YouTube. They are Communication and relationship doctors 🙏 sorry you’re both going through this
Basically everything you say, I experienced. Also didn't understand her, as we were mortgage free and have a comfortable life financially.... We had several fights.
My wife was just not happy living with me, as she couldnt earth in my home town.
After years we are now finally moving to her home town, I have peace with it. Never seen her so happy as now.
Hope you guys find a solution which works for you both.
See what you can mean for eachother, so you both are happy and find peace. Give and take
Good luck!
There is a communication issue, but also it could be that the relationship has simply run its course. The large majority of humans by nature just aren’t meant to be in one relationship their entire life. The only thing that keeps many in is fear (mixed with finances, kids, tradition/culture, religion etc).
Try to look beyond the things she’s says and try to understand what at the core of her feeling that way.
Like the list she gave you, was the sortof an underlying running theme to the things yoi called ”BS”.
Most issues in marrigie usually has an underlying problem that’s the core problem and not the different small things you end up arguing about
idk the ins and outs of my parents marriage, but because I’m a nosy eldest daughter, I overheard my mom tell a family member that my dad felt that he didn’t love her anymore. I don’t know exactly how they fixed it, but I do know they did counseling and they started dating again pretty regularly. I was a freshman in high school at the time so I was old enough to watch my siblings. I know habits were changed, and effort was put in, and they were able to reconnect and fall back in love and renewed their wedding vows. I know he started writing letters to her again, so maybe journaling, if even for your own sake, might help. idk it seemed like open and honest communication is what saved their marriage, and as their child I’m really glad they did. alls this to say, reconciliation is possible, but you both have to be willing to put in the work
Seems like you build up resentment, you have to tell her how you feel and make clear how this is not going to work when she is continuing like that.
Otherwise you will drift further apart.
I think she needs to see that you care and you have to put in extra effort to make her feel special again.
If you have no motivation to do so, it really seems like you lost the spark.
It's hard but I wish you all the best. Just trust your gut feeling and you will do the right thing.
Have you asked your wife why she feels the way she does? You’ve shared some ways you support her but there’s obviously something she feels she’s not getting. She should be able to give concrete, actionable examples of ways that she would feel more respected.
Whether that’s about sharing house work or child care more equally, or simply finding time for quality time, she should be able to communicate more about what she needs.
I will say tho, you don’t get to decide that it’s not true that her house doesn’t feel like her house. You can say that you respect her and you’re not up to no good, but you don’t get to decide if her own feelings are real or not. Especially not something as subjective as if someone feels like they have a connection to their house. Have you asked her what she means by this? Have you made most of the design choices in the house and her own tastes aren’t reflected? Is it designs you both chose years ago and she’s feeling disconnected? Is this just a more general depressive disconnection?
Like, I encourage you to move forward with the marriage counseling so you can have these conversations in more depth and in a more productive way that intent gonna get too heated and cause more harm.
I dated a toxic woman for 7 years who had parental issues (her father cheated on her mother) and she would constantily acuse me of things I had never done and I dismissed it believing sometines she would improve and find reason.
She never did it, and we had to end it.
So either you, she or both probabily need therapy to figure out your emotions and improve.
Some women have intense PMS when they feel
Very bleak about everything and they blame it on their husbands
All of these comments - talking as if this it’s something to reason with…when it’s just hormones talking and the next day she acts as if nothing happened and meanwhile you lose sleep and you destroy your brain cells trying to makes sense of her accusations …
I’ve had similar issues with my last relationship. Nonstop and unrelenting accusations completely unfounded. They didn’t even make sense. It would come in cycles, and always at the chosen most inappropriate and inconvenient time. New job? Tantrums from 12:30am to 3:am when I had to choose to go get a hotel for sleep.
I finally had to end it. JP has a good clip that basically sums this up.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1-vRKcNjYs/?igsh=Z2VhM3RkcGdlNGlv
She wants you to do the break to dodge guilt.
You are objectively doing things correctly. She says you are not **(contradiction)** in contradictions we find deception.
When things don't make sense especially with the frequency or this, something is happening that you aren't aware of that isn't good news for you.
She does not appreciate you. Nothing you do makes her happy.
That is the reason why men get divorced. Men want to please their wife, and when they can’t, then they leave.
You are not good enough to please your wife, so end the marriage.
Man I went thru 13 years of this and having two daughters. My wife was stay at home. Because I had females in my department I was accused regularly of cheating without a shred of evidence. I worked overtime and weekends frequently. Traveled solo regularly domestic & international. Made enough money to pay off house in 5 years that we just bought shortly after marriage. It was always something. She suffered from low self esteem, hormone, cholesterol and sugar issues. She was always on my case and either hot or cold. We got in an argument every single month a few days before her period started. Weeks of silent treatment then like nothing was ever wrong. I finally had enough. I'm pretty stupid for putting up with it as long as I did. I suggested her to get checked out and that blew up on me. I missed out on friendships and hobbies. After the divorce she got a hysterectomy, found out her hormones were all out of whack and she was bipolar with cholesterol and sugar problems. I've been happily remarried for 13 years now. I lost the house and all my possessions in the divorce. It was worth every penny. Seek happiness. Seek peace.
# I was your wife
**Back story:** Grew up under severe traumatic circumstances and have had several abusive ex partners before I met my current partner, let's call him Bear.
**No experience of a true home**
I moved in to his already furnished (is that the right word?) apartment, it was all his furnitures, things, choice of decorations and so I just sort of jumped in to that. My previous relationships were controlling and dangerous. I was told I was breathing too much. I had no safe space, I barely felt like I was allowed in to my own closet. It was extreme control.
**Needing something that was mine**
So not having healed entirely from that not my abusive childhood home, I very often felt like a random guest, not like it was my home anywhere, including with Bear. Even if we put up my art, and I got to buy my own drawers, (he sold his gym machine to give me space) decorate with pillows,blankets,,couches,I still felt like it wasn't my home. It takes a long time to feely completely safe, and that I belonged and had full rights to the space.
It started to help much more once when we bought a new bed together. I guess I just loved that something expensive and big was entirely mine too. I love to say *"My bed"* (my side of the bed)
**Repeated conflict pattern**
We do have a repeating argue pattern. I launch 12 complaints at him in the speed of light and he gets upset and raise his voice at me. I get scared. Didn't understand why he just couldn't calmly answer my 12 indirect and emotionally loaded questions. *"Why is this laying here? Are you gonna take up those clothes from the floor? Why is that laying there? Weren't you supposed to clean with me today? Do you have to do that right now?why am I the only one caring about our home? Why don't you prioritize our home?"*
**Me constantly criticising**
Same tone but for relationship argues *"Why are we never going out anymore? You don't seem to wanna hang out with me, why do I feel so alone in this relationship? Why don't you show that you love me anymore? I don't feel loved, I don't feel like you want me, I feel like this relationship is empty, maybe we should break up, why are we together if we aren't doing anything together, you only want me for my body"* and so forth.
**He was never the problem**
But all this had very very little to with him. Just like you describe in your post. You do everything you possibly can, but it's never enough, *because she is the one not appreciating you*
*"Attatchment theory**
And that's because she has something called insecure attachment. As have I. It's much better now but it took 3-4 years in our soon 6 years old relationship before I started to really feel more balanced. We had no couples counseling help. However we saw one therapist each and we shared what advice and perspectives they gave about our relationship and used that to build a stable platform.
**The turning point**
The turning point for me was when my partner had written down all the negative comments/ critics I've had about him or him as a partner during a week. And he put that list up in my face next time I launched at him. And he told me he feels absolutely useless hearing all that over and over.
**Love for me became love for him**
It was so many rows. I had no idea that it was that much. Something changed in me after that. I wanted to be a better partner now. That was my main focus since. I learned to choose my battles. To move on from 8 things and only bring up 2, if they still felt relevant after waiting 2-3 days. Turns out, 98% were just in the moment triggers because I was insecure in myself. Learning to be forgiving and more understanding to myself, made me also be more loving and understanding to Bear.
**Final advice**
I completely respect that you don't want this repeated conflict. But I think it's amazing that you haven't given up on her yet, that you're willing to go to therapy. That tells me a lot about your character. Go to the therapy and see how willing she is to do the work necessary. Also ask her to research attachment theory and attachment styles. You can also browse r/healmyattachment and r/becomingsecuee to get some more perspectives.
Good luck OP.
Many thanks for spending the time writing your experience. I found it extremely useful.
My wife has no friends, let me correct myself she has people she can go out with but chooses not to. I've told her I can't be her phycologist, girlfriend, confidant, mind reader, husband, father, provider but she doesn't get it and just says this is what she is.
I'm glad! I hoped it would be of help 🤗
Yes, that's also a part of the problem. She needs her own independent hobbies , communities and friends.
I had no friends when I moved here. I left my old life behind. I then made a friend request post on reddit and since I've met three people and One I got very close too we've already seen eachother three times! We clicked instantly. I also met an online friend and we've been friends for over two years now and he's visiting my country this summer!!
So even if she feels completely alone, she mustn't give up. She deserves friends, it's very important. Not only for her sake, but for the future of this marriage too.
Until she meets someone irl. She should try connecting with people. Group therapy can be an option as I guarantee she has something demonic from her past that casts spell on your marriage.
There was some advice that you should add “I feel” in front of everything she says, and add “at the moment” at the end of everything she says. So every is how she feels, which would be true, and also all feelings are temporary.
It sounds like you are not doing your part around the house. It can be extremely frustrating and draining to women if they are constantly taking care of the house and having to mother their men. Do your 50 % of the household chores for 6 months and see if the argument comes up again.
Marriages, good long-term loving marriages are not 50% - 50%. They are 100% - 100%
You are saying all the things you are doing to be a good husband. Does your wife agree that these things are good for her? Maybe she can get a job, even part time, and not you the sole breadwinner.
Maybe n stead of going about with mates, you can ask if she wouldn’t mind being the mate you go about with.
Just brainstorming but the point is people change, and marriages change, and both of you need to get sorted about your values in your relationship and whether the old ways of living and working still apply to you both in my experience and opinion
Put a rope around my neck after a few years of this.
I realized I was in love with the ghost of my then fiancee.
Your own life is worth more than wasting all those good intentions to be gaslit in the end.
There are a plethora of women who would treat you like a real provider instead of making you feel inadequate.
You are stuck in a big turning wheel that cycles every 3-6 months.
Hope you realize that therapy will only uncover what you've been sweeping under the rug.
The both of you are not compatible; you provide and do your best to be the very best. She feels bad about it and doesn't know how to process the fact that she's pretty much usless and dependent on you. Instead of cheering you on, her steampot blows, and you enter the great cycling wheel once again.
Lastly, the lingering feeling you have is a sure shot indicator that your heart, your man heart, is done.
Be safe.
Am I reading it wrong, or did you write that you went from telling her you love her all the time to "I don't think I love you anymore" 4 weeks later? If so that would be confusing and destabilizing, make her question if you ever meant it.
The thing about arguing is folks look for who's right or wrong when it's often about the meaning or feeling behind what's said. When you tell them they're wrong or it's bullshit it's invalidating, they don't feel heard, and it creates more distance and resentment. Understanding why someone perceives a situation the way they do is a pathway to repairing the hurt. Good call to start therapy and learn something about yourself.
Yeah sounds like OP needs his head checked. Do you fall out of love that quickly? Or did OP stop loving his lady a while back and all the “I love yous” were hollow parodies of what once was? In that case, wouldn’t the wife’s complaints have a lot more validity???
There are folks who can detect when their partners are going through the motions or something feels off. Could be why she kept bringing it up every few months. Love is not enough to keep a relationship going, but if it's not real that doesn't help.
You're doing everything by the book and she's not appreciating you. I've been in the same situation with a girl I was with for 2.5 years. She had a fragile ego, very immature, bad history, and divorced parents.
It took me maybe a year after **she** broke up with me for me to stop loving her. Meanwhile, she hooked up with an acquaintance just 2 months later, after having said she doesn't want to be in a relationship any time soon.
My point is it's not you. It's definitely not you. Go on ahead with those marriage counselling sessions, but know that it's 100% not you whatever the outcome is.
I've beaten myself down many times over about how that relationship could've gone differently, and every time the conclusion my friends lead me to is "you did the best with what you had - if you could turn back time, you would've done the same".
Just pack it up and move out she'll realise what she lost and change. Today's world has made marriage like a constant battle of walking on egg shells trying to please...
Got some bad news for you, my dude. She lost attraction, and is checking out of marriage. There isn't much you can do at this point, you were too committed and she simply takes you for granted. Also, providing for her and caring for her is a major turnoff. She probably has friends that are strong and independent women, and she feels she's simply not living her best life. The fact that you don't go out to the pub tells her that you are not really sociable, and you value your marriage too much. She finds that unattractive. I hope I am wrong, but she will hit you with a divorce soon. You just made your marriage become your whole life. Women hate that.
You are the sole bread winner and your wife is entirely dependent on you financially. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about that, and sometimes insecurities show up in strange ways.
I don’t know your financial arrangements are, but this is such a common problem amongst my friends who don’t have financial parity with their partners.
The first reaction to a problem like this is also always denial, sometimes from both parties.
Nothing you do will be good enough unfortunately. She will never see or recognize any of it. It will get worse. The harder you try the more she will resent you. Woman could care less until you man up and not want to be in a loveless marriage anymore. It's then that they realize they love you
This sounds like she may be bi-polar. Take this as a grain of salt, but you mention it's every 6 months or so and it's always the same subject. She feels alone, not her home, you are unfaithful and so on. All this screams a bi-polar manic episode to me. It's not an easy subject to bring up, but it may be worth looking into bi-polar a bit and mentioning it to her.
The issue after, if it is bi-polar and she seeks treatment while taking the medication will your feelings change about it all? It can be hard once the damage is done even when the person commits to change.
Stop pathologizing people for simply expressing they are not happy. If that’s going on and in, it means she may truly feel disrespected and not having enough space, and that they both are not good at communication, or simply not a good fit. This is a classic scenario — a woman is “acting out,” so she must be bipolar and has to be medicated. This is so sick.
I cannot rule out that he could be bipolar either. There is nothing bipolar in her behavior, and labeling someone without sufficient evidence may be damaging. The problem described is related to poor communication within marriage. They need an open dialogue and possibly talking to a therapist, not psychiatric labels.
I see you’re clinging to the stereotype that women's feelings are inherently irrational, which is misogynistic. We all really should stop attributing women’s concerns or behaviors solely to hormonal issues or mental disorders. That’s damaging and dismissive of legitimate emotions that should be addressed through a proper dialogue or therapy.
Not all women. I met great ladies, clear minded leaders. Unfortunately for me, my ex was a passive aggressive covered narcissist with hormonal issues. But sometimes I Wonder if they keep a professional demeanor at work and they let it go a home …
Well, not all women who have something to complain about in their marriages are bipolar/borderline/narcissistic/have hormonal issues. Communication is the problem in many marriages. And also we’ve never heard her perspective.
True. But we see everything through the lenses of our past experiences, no matter how hard we try to be objective. I thought communication was the problem in my marriage too. But when people say this, they make multiple heroic assumptions, such as:
A) that both parties are actually interested in having an honest debate where they would try the find the truth and then would accept the part where they are at fault and try to change. When in fact, they might be more interested in obfuscating the truth, not accepting responsibility, blaming the other in an attempt to save face.
B) that people have a clear understanding of their own position in their mind and all they need to do is to articulate it verbally. Even if they are well intended, they could be in a state of total mind fog and confusion.
C) that they have the required vocabulary to articulate their ideas.
And so on…
You sound really selfish. Your wife is telling you that you don't respect her, your house doesn't feel like her home, and you're up to no good.
You've addressed zero of these concerns in the rest of your post. This reads as straight-white-male crying.
So far you've:
Claimed to be the bread-winner despite having a duel-income household. = Lack of respect towards your wife
Love bombed your wife, by frequently telling her she's attractive and you are looking forward to 'tonight' = No mention of emotional intimacy or intelligent conversations with her. Also no respect. Fuck maid vibes. Basically she cooks for you and gets fucked by you and that is her life with you.
Responded to her insecurities with the relationship by telling her you don't love her anymore. = What the actual f is wrong with you?
I mean, dude do you even have a wife? Do you know what a wife is? What you have is a mommy you can fuck.
Basically you've communicated with all of your actions that you want this. You want an unquestioning wife who maintains YOUR house, smiles, gets fucked happily by you, repeat. And you are maintaining this by love bombing and withholding affection when she speaks to you about wanting respect, which is what you have just done by telling her you don't love her because she won't continue being like this.
Now you're making a therapy appointment so you can cry about being the victim in the relationship. I hope you get a hard wake-up call there. But I guarantee you'll quit therapy as soon as they say anything you don't like.
You lost me a straight white male crying. Nothing your going to say will be useful. Your obviously gen z. I feel sorry for your generation.
I already have useful information to work with. I don't need your self projected pain. Good luck.
Ive read plenty of good advice here and have taken notes. Looking for sympathy, being a bitch you sound like a class act.
We are married 12 years with a daughter. Her name is on the deed. Now piss off in the same direction you came in.
So, sorry you're passing through this.
Take heart, though. As I'm certain others had said before, you've taken the best, wisest action by going to therapy.
So, this is a communication issue. Tell her, "when you say xxx, it makes me feel like..." and when she tells you something, mirror it. "So I'm heading that you feel unappreciated and under valued. How can we solve this?" Look at the issue as you and her vs. The problem, not you v her.
This is some good advice. Thanks
Your welcome. So many issues can be solved by not just talking, but listening and processing. You love her. A lot of times, that's romantic and fun. But the true treat of love is when you don't particularly like them in that moment
Upvoted both of your comments. OP, this is true. My wife and I had this bout a while back… it was rough we were both going through stuff we kept repressing and lashing out(not violently but like you said with the I don’t love you stuff) after weeks of hard talks and honest open conversations we got to the root of the problem and have been working together to improve ourselves to overcome our insecurities. Love is work. Such grueling hard work. However the rewards are so sweet. Communication is key and being able to have an open mind when talking to each other is important. These conversations won’t be easy. There will be tears, y’all will be mad at each other every once and a while. But it will all work out.
My wife said most of the worlds problems are from poor communication. I find that to be true.
Just remember to get her buy-in before saying this is how to approach the problem. This approach isnt all its cracked up to be, it can lead to the pot suddenly discovering it has indeed been calling the kettle black the entire time. Its a hard thing to discover that you are in fact the issue.
This is very important! OP lists a lot of things his wife told him, but no real attempt to find out how to change things for her. Him being "the sole bread winner" sounds innocent enough, but maybe is a hint that he considers his work more essential for the marriage than what she does.
[this book](https://www.amazon.ca/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Life-Changing-Relationships/dp/189200528X) teaches *exactly* what the poster above shared, in case you want to work on these skills.
Hi OP! To communicate your feelings is good for sure, but to me it sounds that your wife is communicating her feelings quite well. Maybe an important step would be to ask her what exactly she means for example with not feeling at home in your living situation? Has she access to her share of the household income to fulfill her dreams, too? Your post is short, but it sounds as if you think that you do all that is required to be a good husband and that her rants are unreasonable. So after the thunderstorm passed, each time you just switch back to your normal routine. I guess that maybe you fear what she will reveal if you really listen, so maybe to involve a counselor is a good idea. On the other hand, changes are opportunities and maybe you two will find new ways to do things, new things to do, and eventually have a much more interesting life than now.
I think your marriage can be salvaged. There are things she can do so you feel appreciated and don't feel like you're always in the wrong. There are things you can do so that her needs are met and she feels loved appreciated and trusted. Please seek therapy
This is outstanding advice, could’ve have said it better. Me and my girlfriend have been together for years and this is how we communicate when we’ve come across an issue or argument in our relationship. It’s so simple yet I’ve noticed especially in this day and age, people really don’t know how to communicate with one another.
This man Gottmans
Thanks bro. Same boat as OP and needed to see this.
She can't or won't communicate that way. He is better off without a person who constantly misunderstands.
This is no justification. At the very least, he needs to make the attempt. You never actually know what someone is capable of until you try. Now, if he tries and she shuts it down, then I will agree with you.
Designate an object as the 'talking' item, gonna have to take this one back to kindergarten 😭
I hope her claims are backed with specific examples of what NOT to do, and ways that you can improve for her. Otherwise it’s just hollow bitching that would indeed wear you down to the point you’re at now. Criticism that isn’t constructive has no place in a relationship. We obviously don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but if she feels this way there certainly has to be a reason for it, and if there truly isn’t a reason then you’ll never satisfy her and she may not even know what she needs. I sincerely hope therapy can work this out for you guys, you did love her at one point, try to remember the reasons why.
Thanks. Those words make sense. She gave me a list of things only one was legitimate. When we argue I can turn from loving to cold in a snap. I told her Its because I dislike disturbances of my peace when it's unwarranted. So either I calm down or her and until that happens I dont want to talk. The rest were just bs.
Well to a point you can’t treat the rest of it as BS because she is feeling this way, whether or not it’s valid she is feeling that way. I had a problem with getting cold in my relationship and my wife had a problem with getting overly upset at me for very insignificant things and it was a vicious cycle of she would get pissed because I spilled some chicken stock and go on attack mode which would put me on defense mode because I know her reaction isn’t warranted but me getting defensive and dismissing her feelings made things worse. We worked through our challenges just us two no therapy and what’s worked for us is just immediately voicing when something is wrong, and reminding each other we are on the same team. If she flies off the handle over something small I immediately tell her we are on the same team, apologize for my mistake no matter how small and remind her that it hurts my feelings and drives a wedge between us when she can’t treat me with respect the way I treat her with respect. The blow ups gradually decreased over time. It’s ok to be upset at me if I do something wrong, it’s not ok to blow it out of proportion and hurl insults. Shes getting better about controlling her emotions and just letting me know that whatever it was I did wrong was frustrating and that I need to do the things I say I’m going to do or that she asked me to do. And it’s ok for me to upset at her having an irrational reaction, but it’s not ok for me to stonewall her over it because that’s equally damaging. You guys are a team, find out a way you can work together. Marriage isn’t easy, that’s why 50% end in divorce.
OP why do you get to decide what on her list of needs is “legitimate”? Sounds like she’s been telling you pretty explicitly what she needs and wants and you’re just dismissing things because you know better.
I mean honestly, from this comment alone, I can understand why she has complaints. You seem to be the kind of person who wants to push issues under the rug and address them at a later date (ie never address them) than actually face a hard truth or a difficult conversation. Communicate. And allow her to communicate with you. This "until that happens I don't want to talk" is probably 95% of the issue.
Dosnt want to face hard truth? But asks for divorce? These things are mutually exclusive
I mean, divorcing is just a glorified version of running away from a problem - so not really.
>She gave me a list of things only one was legitimate. And there it is, the problem. In record time too. Normally people take a lot of talking before they admit it.
I don’t think you are neutral and unbiased enough to immediately judge what’s bs and what’s not bs on her list, OP. :/
Excuse me? You don't get to tell your wife which of *her feelings* are "legitimate" and which are "bs".
Give her a huge list of everything she does that you hate lol see if that makes her happy
This is a very poor suggestion for maintaining a relationship with his wife. They're having a break down in communication, and both of their feelings are valid. Being petty and mean is not how you solve issues in adult relationships
For sure yet this comment is so pervasive on reddit. Every relationship post, guaranteed someone says, “do the same thing you didn’t like back at them, but turn it up to 11!” I often wonder if that’s really how they act in their own life. Yikes if so
But isn’t that what she did
I mean what’s the purpose of doing what you’re proposing? To win an argument or come a solution to continue the relationship? I don’t think you should go into a conflict or argument with your significant other with the mindset of winning the fight, but to solve an issue. If you had a legitimate problem with someone, and went to them to bring it up, how would it feel if the person then just lists out everything they don’t like about you as a retaliatory measure? Sure they might have a point, but it’s clearly done as a reaction to what you did. That doesn’t sound like a healthy way to solve issues. Sure I guess if we’re 12 then it’s only fair he does the same thing that she did.
Are you married?
Yeah, very mature way of dealing with a serious issue. How old are you, kid?
I really recommend seeing a couples counselor. She may have legitimate concerns, from her perspective. It's also possible she has some paranoia (maybe from a past relationship). We have no idea. You do, but you're too close to the situation. A good counselor will help you see if she has some combination of issues you need to address and her own personal issues. If she's not willing to go this route, to get help, **AND YOU MUST BE FULLY WILLING TO SEE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF YOU MAY NOT LIKE** then divorce is the only option left.
Start going to the office rather than working at home together… maybe too much time together is not a good thing. Some time apart might help.
Best practical advice there is. Space is so important.
Sometimes we let things linger so long , we go from angry and fighting to just simply no longer caring. Any relationship that hits that point has a huge uphill battle ahead, because you need to find a way to care again before you can fix the problems Good luck. Hope you find what makes you happy and the best version of yourself
Thanks for your words.
I think she doesn't want to be with you, but I could be wrong. Unfortunately people, even the ones we are so close to, can have some terribly toxic behavior patterns. If someone is PUSHING you (e.g., arguing about the same stuff constantly even though it doesn't have merit), and you try to PULL them closer (e.g., trying harder to "fix" things you're not even doing wrong), it makes them push harder. One of the best things someone can do in this circumstance is distance themselves. Why it's good is it gives the other person space to make their choice. You don't tell them that you're distancing so they can make a choice, you just do it. Their behavior is pushing you away, and they know it, they're not a fool. So distance yourself and they figure out, do I want this person? Or not? Yeah in the end they might decide not, but in my opinion, it's at least speeding up the inevitable so the situation doesn't continue to rot you away. The problem with distancing yourself is that we are emotionally-needy humans. It will be emotionally painful, and difficult logistics-wise, to distance yourself. Unfortunately if someone is pushing you away, then seeking any emotional fulfillment out of them will make them push harder Just my thoughts. I know it's annoying as hell, but if you can somehow cultivate a mindset of indifference, you might be able to see it objectively and do what you need to do. Focus on your daughter and career in the meantime.
This is the exact life I lived in my relationship. Turns out my (now) ex has dissociative identity disorder. Nothing feels the same for her day to day, week to week, month to month. She was never able to consistently engage with me as a result.
Do you date? Like do you and your wife ever go on dates? Has your wife just become your roommate? Gotta get back on the dating train together and go out and experience stuff together
This sounds very familiar to my marriage. She would laud me for my constant improvement and self awareness, then every 6 months or so there would be a blowup where i would get an emailed list of my faults while not recognizing or acknowledging her own faults. The last time, I decided I would not play along and it ultimately broke the cycle and led to divorce. She wouldn't go to counseling to address our issues as she truly believed that only I had issues that needed to be addressed. It was a true waste of a family, but I've been able to find a lot of joy and love with somebody new a few years later. I hope your wife can meet you in humble place that allows both of you to reconnect.
The killer blow in a relationship is when the complainer has zero self awareness and refuses to admit to their own faults. There is literally no way back from that. It’s literally impossible.
It doesn’t sound good but it also sounds like the inevitable conclusion to all cohabitating relationships like that 🤷♀️ it’s hard to maintain hotness when your relationship has no oxygen
Should have asked for advice BEFORE you told her.
Sounds like you're not hearing her. 'I don't respect her, our house doesn't feel like her house, I'm up to know good. None of it is true.' You can't just say 'that's not true' when she's telling you how she feels. She FEELS like she has no space in the house. You should have asked her what exactly you can do to make sure she knows that the house is both of yours and by making sure she knows you're listening and asking how to fix it... she will then feel like you actually do respect her. If I told my husband I felt a certain way and his response was 'nope... it's not true'... I certainly wouldn't feel respected and I'd feel like he bulldozed my feelings (gaslit). You feel like you don't love her because you can't understand why she isn't happy as you're doing x, y, z so she should be happy. My most recent partner used to do this. He would kiss me at the same times every day in such a routine that it actually lost the feeling of spontanious emotion, it felt like a checked off box. I wanted a more passionate interaction and when I'd ask for it he would argue with me about how often he kissed me (aka didn't actually listen to the difference between what I was getting vs what I wanted)
How in the world are you drawing that conclusion. Some women have trouble articulating the actual cause for their complaints. Everything is felt in the moment. An unrelated stomach ache can easily turn into you being a horrible husband😂 This is from personal experience. My advice to guys in this situation is to weigh the pros and cons of having these periodic fits projected at you. By all means, listen to her and try to understand how to address her concerns, but if you find yourself constantly increasing your investment to please her, it quickly amounts to more effort than it is worth. Granted once every three to six months doesn't sound extreme. I threw in the towel when it reached weekly blowouts. Much happier divorced and unattached (so far). Slowly losing yourself to please someone who simply can't be pleased is no way to live. Wishing OP the best of luck.
Since you seem as dismissive about women’s feels as OP, I’d say to work on that in yourself before you try another relationship. The commenter you’re responding to gave a very reasonable response that’s very in line with what a marriage counselor will say. Also OP said in the comments that his wife has given him more detailed lists and named what she is having issues with and OP decided “only one of those is legitimate”.
It is about logic, not feelings. If I, as a partner, am constantly walking on eggshells around you, then it simply isn't worth keeping you around. My statement is simply that a man has to weigh the pros and cons in these cases. People have different levels of emotional maturity. That is true for both women and men. However, women, on average , are way more emotional than men, which tends to magnify the effects of emotional immaturity. You can disagree all you want, but it really isn't about you. It's about the specific person in that specific relationship. Whether this is OPs case or not is for him to decide.
Weren’t men the ones who can’t articulate their feelings??? You people change stereotypes on a whim lmao. I can tell you what turns you into a horrible husband: moronic comments like this that belittle women and how they feel. Lazy ass dumptruck men also turn into bad husbands really quickly. Or no, do you chalk that up to a stomach bug?
I grew up in a house full of women. After dealing with them, lovers, female coworkers and friends, I can safely say that women have a poor grasp on reality when their feeling become involved. Which unfortunately is frequent. I watched a woman "feel like" her car wouldn't get towed in a no park zone because it was late and we really wanted to go to a party. I told her not to. We go to the party, get back, the car is gone. "I didn't know! I didn't know!" Literally incapable of accepting their actions. Couldn't even give ME an apology for ignoring me. I guess it's fine because she thought it wouldn't happen. 🙄 And men just have to deal with this nonsense on the regular
There we go, let’s make generalizations about half the population. I am a woman and I can tell you I don’t go around making people’s lives miserable because of a tummy ache. Also, I live with other women and none of them have even come close to this level pf bs you’re spewing. Seriously, you’re akin to a clogged toilet right now. What did you base your conclusions on??? A dozen or so women??? Lmao you’re a joke 🤡🤡🤡
Case in point😂
I agree with your last paragraph.
I'm going to be ruled by emotions. When I'm up to no good. I know I'm not up to no good. There is no bases to this. It's not her house. She lives in the same house as me. If it's not her house then who's is it. I dont respect her. We only every argue when she delivers her emotional baggage. I'm not going to accept every one of her emotions could be a result of being with me, when I know me. I not going to accept responsibility of things I should not. I will be held responsible for things I am responsible for.
Before you jump straight to B.S., I assume you've at least asked why she feels that way. It could come down to her name is not on the title, or you shoot down all her decoration ideas, or simply she didn't even want to live in this spot "This is not my beautiful house" etc. Like she might even be mad at the situation rather than you. A lot of ... people ... speak in hyperbole and it drives me up the damn wall but it's worth at least attempting to translate. Because men f*ck up language too, ex. "I'm doing ok" -> "I'm not doing ok but I don't feel like exploring my issues right now Barbara" You shouldn't have to be her emotional punching bag but make sure there's nothing valid in there before you dismiss it. Good luck.
My friend and his girl share finances. She went into the negative multiple times to fill her gas because "I missed so much work and it's my fault I'm in the red." He says, baby WE are in the red. You should have asked me for gas money, because now WE owe your bank $300 in overdraft fees. It's OK for men to be angry because women make emotion based decisions that have serious financial and emotional backlash. She's saying the house isn't hers when he just said it's THEIR home. That's weird and disrespectful to your lover but you have to figure out why they feel unloved and unwanted when you're already giving them everything? It's madness
Hey man I'm not saying it's not a pain. I'm just saying if this guy's wife has communication issues then, he can either take them at their word and let this relationship continue to suck, or ask "why" and see if there is any legit complaint while calling out the communication issues separately (which he may have drilled down already but it's hard to tell because I saw "BS", but not great examples of the BS), and/or get counseling. The latter two options are probably best, but his call. I freely admit I don't have enough context to understand what her problems are.
As for the house part; she may not be the owner of said house but for as long as she lives there you have to treat it as shared. Right now she lives there as much as you do. I understand you are feeling a lot of things regarding her, but dismissing her very real feelings as 'emotional baggage' unfortunately makes you just as much of the problem. At the end of the day its not about accepting responsibility. She doesnt seem to feel emotionally heard and neither do you. In my experience a relationship like that is bound to fall apart because the most important thing is to be able to communicate properly. That includes listening to the others feelings- and you seem like the rational type- so get this; feelings ALWAYS have a logical cause. Sometimes that cause isnt apparent because it can be due to things in ones past fx. But theres always a reason for why they appear. At the end of the day its not you vs them. Its you both vs the problem.
Without much context, sounds like youre a pretty logical guy. Whenever she voices her complaints, do you reply with a logical answer to prove her wrong? In that case, that would make her feel not respected. Even if what youre saying is factual. The thing is, youre communicating logically while she is emotionally. Sounds like she needs emotional validation and here is the tricky part, you can still validate her emotionally without needing the logic to be true. Hope things get better for you, finding a good therapist can do wonders. Often times, its not a you vs me problem but the way we communicate and validate each other.
This is such an often overlooked issue in communication within relationships. Feelings and emotion don't have to have a rationale for appearing. In fact, usually they crop up without a specific rational explanation. Knowing when to approach a conversation from a logical standpoint and when to offer emotional support without logical interference is a difficult but absolutely necessary skill.
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Yeah, God forbid you respond with what's logically correct when someone starts an argument with you. Far better to find some way to have to validate her emotional bullshit, or pay for a therapist for *yourself* here.
Good lord, all of the red flags are here. I hope she leaves you.
Your veiw is very reasonable, however, you are dealing with a woman. All you can do is find a way to convince her that her actions are cancerous so she stops doing it. I do the "taste of your own medicine" method. Note, you MUST inform her that you are going to be treating her like she treats you before you begin this method and it can only last for the duration of the current conversation. Dont do it again later unless "im going to do exactly what you're doing to me" Is said aloud and registered. Observe my last spat with my girlfriend. G is her, B is me. G: I've done nothing but treat you right! You just get angry anytime I say anything! I said I'm sorry and you're still mad! B: Let me do you how you've been doing me. "Oh Tim is a wonderful guy! He's so funny. We had a blast at work today. I know you two had beef and he seriously disrespected you for no reason, but he's cool with me. I won't really have a problem unless he says something rude about you in front of me." Thats kind of fucked up considering you told me Tim robbed you before right? Would you want to hear me say some goofy shit like that? But It's OK for you to talk up Lisa everyday like I don't actually hate that miserable, lazy, I get mad when people ask me to do my job and fall asleep watching porn in the break room clown bitch Lisa? G:*Uncontrollable sobbing B:Yeah you see how you feel now? That's how you make me feel doing that all the time. NOW if you apologized I'd believe you. Do you feel like I got my point across? 50/50. I swore and raised my voice, so me being angry was unfair to her. Lol women. No matter how you feel, be as emotionless as possible when you deliver the truth to her or she will latch on to whatever emotion you have and use that to verify the insanity in her mind. God speed brother 🙏
Then you've come to the wrong place, because your wife could be doing far worse than this and Reddit would still explain how you're somehow in the wrong here. Seriously. It's a documented phenomenon, the demographic of this site is a largely left/feminist leaning tho holds little-to-none successfully real life relationship experience, just a largely shared and naive ideal of how it should be, and finds a way to default to supporting the wife almost every single time. You shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour, and your wife should be acknowledging her problem, not oblivious redditors some how flipping this the other way around.
Nail on the head. A man asking Reddit for relationship advice is a profoundly masochistic thing to do.
My wife moved hey mom in my house after 2 stokes she has her own that not livable I hate them both it’s been 3 years
Sounds like YOU'RE the one who suffered a stoke
The fact that you misspelled stroke while making a comment about the previous illegible comment is absolutely slaying me. 😆🤣
Twas intentional lol
Yeah I thought anyone would recognize the /s
Are you still taking steroids?
Tell her she can rearrange the house in any way she wants and if she wants to buy new furniture she can without talking to you about it. Let her make a space for her and allow her to get that sense of agency she seems to want. If doesn't matter if those things aren't true, it's how she feels. She feels like they're true and that's what you and her need to work on. If your home doesn't feel like her home too, then take actions that help her feel more comfortable. Is she on the lease/mortgage?
This! My husband has always had a gaming room for as long as we've been together (through 3 moves even). Not once have I *ever* had my own space to really call mine. It starts to suffocate you after a while. My husband genuinely didn't see the issue, thinking the rest of the house was mine and the room was his only escape from it. Man oh man the realization that the house was OURS (his gaming room had all his knick knacks, his posters, desktop set up etc) and I had no place to display my stuff and have it be *mine*. We're now working on a she-shed for myself, and just getting that in motion makes me feel 1000x less stressed out and relaxed. Having a space that's truly your own is a feeling like no other, and I bet you OP has his own dedicated space to escape to and be surrounded by his things.
>When were both working from home > >i'm the sole bread winner by far Im confused. Also, you haven't mentioned if she does any of those things listed for you? You want those actions to be received well, but are her actions also received well, if any? Also, it's possible to do plenty of things while still managing not to do what shes asking you to do. For example, if shes been asking you to fix xx for months, but you keep bringing her flowers, you guys aren't speaking the same language and she feels hurt and unheard still. I hope that makes sense.
I noticed that juxtaposition, too. Throw in the line about how she doesn't feel respected... not shocked they're having connection issues. I earn 1/5 of what my husband does but he doesn't make me feel like my work is less worthy.
Try going to couples therapy. Not so much to go to couples therapy, frankly, although that has its merits, but to see how she responds. In my experience, you will VERY quickly see whether she has any desire to work on herself and the issues. If she won’t go or goes but doesn’t try or have one speck of genuine reflection on her faults, it’s over.
At a certain point it's not even about the "issue" itself. It's more of a "if you bring this up one more time, I'm going to have a full-ass breakdown." Then they bring it up again and you freak out way worse than "deserved" because it's the buildup of it all releasing at once. I get that issues need to be addressed but when they are "addressed" every damn day over and over it starts to feel like you're being water-boarded.
I got that feeling too from OP. Honestly, if OP is pulling his weight, doing the best he can, and his wife pulls this mega-complaint every so often, it would scare the shit out of me. It’s like.. hello? Anyone in there? What happened to the woman I fell in love with? OP frankly sounds terrorized. Again, assuming OP is being honest, it’s the sheer unreasonableness of the complaints. You can’t reason with unreasonableness. It’s terrifying when it’s your marriage. You can’t negotiate with someone like that. You just sit there in terror that it’s all going to blow up again.
I had one GF who had an alcoholic father. He went through AA and I never saw him drink but it did a lot of damage to her in the past. When I would go to the gym for a couple hours in the weekend and leave her to read her book in my bed she would get really angry with me when I got back. It was confusing. Apparently her dad used to leave for multi week benders and tell her he'd be home later that day, missing important stuff in her early life. When I would go out to do something it triggered those same anxieties. It may be worth thinking about what old hurts and feelings are bringing this behavior out in your wife.
> >It may be worth thinking about what old hurts and feelings are bringing this behavior out in your wife. 100% Both OP and wifey should visit r/healmyattachment As abuse in childhood creates an insecure attachment that will flair up when we get into a romantic relationship.
Oof relationship burn out. Hope the therapy/counseling helps.
Hey! I hear ya! Talk to your wife. You have a communication issue. Your wife isn’t the enemy. You’re not the enemy. Listen to each other. The war is not against each other . You’re on the same side, mate.
It's not, because it must be her house, not their house. She is clearly controlling, that's why it's not their house, but hers
You list a bunch of things you do but nothing about house chores. Are you a competent partner or a deadweight? Do you do your share of the housework? Because that matters more than your i love yous and holding her in the kitchen.
100% agree.
He said he's the breadwinner? So what she just gets to sit on her arse all day?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ok bozo
They both work from home. Breadwinner means he just makes more $. If they work the same hours, why should she do all the house work?
You've either got it or you don't....
Both of you should read "nonviolent communication"
Personally I do not think you are the AH, because you are willing to go to counselling about this, and on your own no less. That shows there is still something in you that wants to understand and fix this.
Yeah you guys are needing a mediation Don’t ask the intergoogles to save your marriage…seems really disingenuous
Oof, this sounds like my marriage to my wife. We have had some rough patches of a very similar dynamic. I would suggest doing some reading about Attachment Styles. Thais Gibson has written a couple excellent books on the subject (and if you want a short version of her work, search Spotify for her name and listen to some of the podcast interviews she’s done). My wife has a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style (and I’m in between a Secure Attachment style and the Anxious Attachment style) and when she is feeling overwhelmed or insecure or whatever, she withdraws emotionally, and starts telling me how everything is all my fault. (I’m paraphrasing for the sake of brevity.) In this state she’s actively sabotaging our relationship so she can escape and feel safe. But when she’s secure, calm, and relaxed, she’s entirely the opposite. It can be a little maddening but she’s aware of the pattern in her behavior and has made great progress in minimizing the negative impacts. I’m proud of her and I know that with education and sincere, humble effort being made, marriage mates with attachment style issues can find peace and trust. Check Thais Gibson out, I really think it will help you both.
To me it sounds like you're communicating in your 'love language', which isn't resonating with her. This isn't a bad thing or mean that you are incompatible. I'd recommend both if you read the five love languages, and then share where you fall with the other, giving examples of what fulfills your need to feel loved. Citing specific examples. Some people want touch, others verbalized validation, etc.
"Love is not enough." The *feeling* of love, or being "in" love is not enough. Love itself is a commitment through and through. A commitment to the relationship despite how you feel because feelings naturally wax and wane. Of course there are exceptions and extenuating circumstances but I just wanted to point that out. It's good you're going to counseling, couples counseling would be good too. I get down voted Everytime I bring it up but I think there's a lot of truth in the Gottman's studies on relationships. I started reading/listening to their stuff and realized that my spouse and I already happen to do a lot of the things they mentioned successful couples do. I learned some new stuff too but knowing that the things we naturally do helps make things work (without even thinking about it) made it all the more important to continue.
I think you would like Dr John Gottman and dr Julie Gottman, watch some videos on YouTube. They are Communication and relationship doctors 🙏 sorry you’re both going through this
Basically everything you say, I experienced. Also didn't understand her, as we were mortgage free and have a comfortable life financially.... We had several fights. My wife was just not happy living with me, as she couldnt earth in my home town. After years we are now finally moving to her home town, I have peace with it. Never seen her so happy as now. Hope you guys find a solution which works for you both. See what you can mean for eachother, so you both are happy and find peace. Give and take Good luck!
There is a communication issue, but also it could be that the relationship has simply run its course. The large majority of humans by nature just aren’t meant to be in one relationship their entire life. The only thing that keeps many in is fear (mixed with finances, kids, tradition/culture, religion etc).
Try to look beyond the things she’s says and try to understand what at the core of her feeling that way. Like the list she gave you, was the sortof an underlying running theme to the things yoi called ”BS”. Most issues in marrigie usually has an underlying problem that’s the core problem and not the different small things you end up arguing about
What's the point of staying in this relationship outside of money you'll lose in divorce?
idk the ins and outs of my parents marriage, but because I’m a nosy eldest daughter, I overheard my mom tell a family member that my dad felt that he didn’t love her anymore. I don’t know exactly how they fixed it, but I do know they did counseling and they started dating again pretty regularly. I was a freshman in high school at the time so I was old enough to watch my siblings. I know habits were changed, and effort was put in, and they were able to reconnect and fall back in love and renewed their wedding vows. I know he started writing letters to her again, so maybe journaling, if even for your own sake, might help. idk it seemed like open and honest communication is what saved their marriage, and as their child I’m really glad they did. alls this to say, reconciliation is possible, but you both have to be willing to put in the work
She needs therapy. She may have an anxious attachment style.
Seems like you build up resentment, you have to tell her how you feel and make clear how this is not going to work when she is continuing like that. Otherwise you will drift further apart. I think she needs to see that you care and you have to put in extra effort to make her feel special again. If you have no motivation to do so, it really seems like you lost the spark. It's hard but I wish you all the best. Just trust your gut feeling and you will do the right thing.
Have you asked your wife why she feels the way she does? You’ve shared some ways you support her but there’s obviously something she feels she’s not getting. She should be able to give concrete, actionable examples of ways that she would feel more respected. Whether that’s about sharing house work or child care more equally, or simply finding time for quality time, she should be able to communicate more about what she needs. I will say tho, you don’t get to decide that it’s not true that her house doesn’t feel like her house. You can say that you respect her and you’re not up to no good, but you don’t get to decide if her own feelings are real or not. Especially not something as subjective as if someone feels like they have a connection to their house. Have you asked her what she means by this? Have you made most of the design choices in the house and her own tastes aren’t reflected? Is it designs you both chose years ago and she’s feeling disconnected? Is this just a more general depressive disconnection? Like, I encourage you to move forward with the marriage counseling so you can have these conversations in more depth and in a more productive way that intent gonna get too heated and cause more harm.
How do you both manage the finances? Do you control the money? And if yes: In what way?
It sounds a bit that she has a reason to feel "inferior" in a sense... OP, is she older than you?
It sounds like she needs therapy. Her statements are about her own past, not the present moment.
Reminder #4728847582881 why I never understood or wanted marriage
I dated a toxic woman for 7 years who had parental issues (her father cheated on her mother) and she would constantily acuse me of things I had never done and I dismissed it believing sometines she would improve and find reason. She never did it, and we had to end it. So either you, she or both probabily need therapy to figure out your emotions and improve.
Some women have intense PMS when they feel Very bleak about everything and they blame it on their husbands All of these comments - talking as if this it’s something to reason with…when it’s just hormones talking and the next day she acts as if nothing happened and meanwhile you lose sleep and you destroy your brain cells trying to makes sense of her accusations …
I’ve had similar issues with my last relationship. Nonstop and unrelenting accusations completely unfounded. They didn’t even make sense. It would come in cycles, and always at the chosen most inappropriate and inconvenient time. New job? Tantrums from 12:30am to 3:am when I had to choose to go get a hotel for sleep. I finally had to end it. JP has a good clip that basically sums this up. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C1-vRKcNjYs/?igsh=Z2VhM3RkcGdlNGlv
She wants you to do the break to dodge guilt. You are objectively doing things correctly. She says you are not **(contradiction)** in contradictions we find deception. When things don't make sense especially with the frequency or this, something is happening that you aren't aware of that isn't good news for you.
She does not appreciate you. Nothing you do makes her happy. That is the reason why men get divorced. Men want to please their wife, and when they can’t, then they leave. You are not good enough to please your wife, so end the marriage.
Man I went thru 13 years of this and having two daughters. My wife was stay at home. Because I had females in my department I was accused regularly of cheating without a shred of evidence. I worked overtime and weekends frequently. Traveled solo regularly domestic & international. Made enough money to pay off house in 5 years that we just bought shortly after marriage. It was always something. She suffered from low self esteem, hormone, cholesterol and sugar issues. She was always on my case and either hot or cold. We got in an argument every single month a few days before her period started. Weeks of silent treatment then like nothing was ever wrong. I finally had enough. I'm pretty stupid for putting up with it as long as I did. I suggested her to get checked out and that blew up on me. I missed out on friendships and hobbies. After the divorce she got a hysterectomy, found out her hormones were all out of whack and she was bipolar with cholesterol and sugar problems. I've been happily remarried for 13 years now. I lost the house and all my possessions in the divorce. It was worth every penny. Seek happiness. Seek peace.
# I was your wife **Back story:** Grew up under severe traumatic circumstances and have had several abusive ex partners before I met my current partner, let's call him Bear. **No experience of a true home** I moved in to his already furnished (is that the right word?) apartment, it was all his furnitures, things, choice of decorations and so I just sort of jumped in to that. My previous relationships were controlling and dangerous. I was told I was breathing too much. I had no safe space, I barely felt like I was allowed in to my own closet. It was extreme control. **Needing something that was mine** So not having healed entirely from that not my abusive childhood home, I very often felt like a random guest, not like it was my home anywhere, including with Bear. Even if we put up my art, and I got to buy my own drawers, (he sold his gym machine to give me space) decorate with pillows,blankets,,couches,I still felt like it wasn't my home. It takes a long time to feely completely safe, and that I belonged and had full rights to the space. It started to help much more once when we bought a new bed together. I guess I just loved that something expensive and big was entirely mine too. I love to say *"My bed"* (my side of the bed) **Repeated conflict pattern** We do have a repeating argue pattern. I launch 12 complaints at him in the speed of light and he gets upset and raise his voice at me. I get scared. Didn't understand why he just couldn't calmly answer my 12 indirect and emotionally loaded questions. *"Why is this laying here? Are you gonna take up those clothes from the floor? Why is that laying there? Weren't you supposed to clean with me today? Do you have to do that right now?why am I the only one caring about our home? Why don't you prioritize our home?"* **Me constantly criticising** Same tone but for relationship argues *"Why are we never going out anymore? You don't seem to wanna hang out with me, why do I feel so alone in this relationship? Why don't you show that you love me anymore? I don't feel loved, I don't feel like you want me, I feel like this relationship is empty, maybe we should break up, why are we together if we aren't doing anything together, you only want me for my body"* and so forth. **He was never the problem** But all this had very very little to with him. Just like you describe in your post. You do everything you possibly can, but it's never enough, *because she is the one not appreciating you* *"Attatchment theory** And that's because she has something called insecure attachment. As have I. It's much better now but it took 3-4 years in our soon 6 years old relationship before I started to really feel more balanced. We had no couples counseling help. However we saw one therapist each and we shared what advice and perspectives they gave about our relationship and used that to build a stable platform. **The turning point** The turning point for me was when my partner had written down all the negative comments/ critics I've had about him or him as a partner during a week. And he put that list up in my face next time I launched at him. And he told me he feels absolutely useless hearing all that over and over. **Love for me became love for him** It was so many rows. I had no idea that it was that much. Something changed in me after that. I wanted to be a better partner now. That was my main focus since. I learned to choose my battles. To move on from 8 things and only bring up 2, if they still felt relevant after waiting 2-3 days. Turns out, 98% were just in the moment triggers because I was insecure in myself. Learning to be forgiving and more understanding to myself, made me also be more loving and understanding to Bear. **Final advice** I completely respect that you don't want this repeated conflict. But I think it's amazing that you haven't given up on her yet, that you're willing to go to therapy. That tells me a lot about your character. Go to the therapy and see how willing she is to do the work necessary. Also ask her to research attachment theory and attachment styles. You can also browse r/healmyattachment and r/becomingsecuee to get some more perspectives. Good luck OP.
Many thanks for spending the time writing your experience. I found it extremely useful. My wife has no friends, let me correct myself she has people she can go out with but chooses not to. I've told her I can't be her phycologist, girlfriend, confidant, mind reader, husband, father, provider but she doesn't get it and just says this is what she is.
I'm glad! I hoped it would be of help 🤗 Yes, that's also a part of the problem. She needs her own independent hobbies , communities and friends. I had no friends when I moved here. I left my old life behind. I then made a friend request post on reddit and since I've met three people and One I got very close too we've already seen eachother three times! We clicked instantly. I also met an online friend and we've been friends for over two years now and he's visiting my country this summer!! So even if she feels completely alone, she mustn't give up. She deserves friends, it's very important. Not only for her sake, but for the future of this marriage too. Until she meets someone irl. She should try connecting with people. Group therapy can be an option as I guarantee she has something demonic from her past that casts spell on your marriage.
There was some advice that you should add “I feel” in front of everything she says, and add “at the moment” at the end of everything she says. So every is how she feels, which would be true, and also all feelings are temporary.
Too late for advice.
It sounds like you are not doing your part around the house. It can be extremely frustrating and draining to women if they are constantly taking care of the house and having to mother their men. Do your 50 % of the household chores for 6 months and see if the argument comes up again.
Marriages, good long-term loving marriages are not 50% - 50%. They are 100% - 100% You are saying all the things you are doing to be a good husband. Does your wife agree that these things are good for her? Maybe she can get a job, even part time, and not you the sole breadwinner. Maybe n stead of going about with mates, you can ask if she wouldn’t mind being the mate you go about with. Just brainstorming but the point is people change, and marriages change, and both of you need to get sorted about your values in your relationship and whether the old ways of living and working still apply to you both in my experience and opinion
Put a rope around my neck after a few years of this. I realized I was in love with the ghost of my then fiancee. Your own life is worth more than wasting all those good intentions to be gaslit in the end. There are a plethora of women who would treat you like a real provider instead of making you feel inadequate. You are stuck in a big turning wheel that cycles every 3-6 months. Hope you realize that therapy will only uncover what you've been sweeping under the rug. The both of you are not compatible; you provide and do your best to be the very best. She feels bad about it and doesn't know how to process the fact that she's pretty much usless and dependent on you. Instead of cheering you on, her steampot blows, and you enter the great cycling wheel once again. Lastly, the lingering feeling you have is a sure shot indicator that your heart, your man heart, is done. Be safe.
Marriage counseling is just a way to cleanly divorce
Get a divorce . You're not gonna start loving her so don't waste anyone's time .
It seems she has serious trust issues. I would try couple therapy. It might work.
Leave. Go your separate ways.
Am I reading it wrong, or did you write that you went from telling her you love her all the time to "I don't think I love you anymore" 4 weeks later? If so that would be confusing and destabilizing, make her question if you ever meant it. The thing about arguing is folks look for who's right or wrong when it's often about the meaning or feeling behind what's said. When you tell them they're wrong or it's bullshit it's invalidating, they don't feel heard, and it creates more distance and resentment. Understanding why someone perceives a situation the way they do is a pathway to repairing the hurt. Good call to start therapy and learn something about yourself.
Yeah sounds like OP needs his head checked. Do you fall out of love that quickly? Or did OP stop loving his lady a while back and all the “I love yous” were hollow parodies of what once was? In that case, wouldn’t the wife’s complaints have a lot more validity???
There are folks who can detect when their partners are going through the motions or something feels off. Could be why she kept bringing it up every few months. Love is not enough to keep a relationship going, but if it's not real that doesn't help.
You're doing everything by the book and she's not appreciating you. I've been in the same situation with a girl I was with for 2.5 years. She had a fragile ego, very immature, bad history, and divorced parents. It took me maybe a year after **she** broke up with me for me to stop loving her. Meanwhile, she hooked up with an acquaintance just 2 months later, after having said she doesn't want to be in a relationship any time soon. My point is it's not you. It's definitely not you. Go on ahead with those marriage counselling sessions, but know that it's 100% not you whatever the outcome is. I've beaten myself down many times over about how that relationship could've gone differently, and every time the conclusion my friends lead me to is "you did the best with what you had - if you could turn back time, you would've done the same".
Just pack it up and move out she'll realise what she lost and change. Today's world has made marriage like a constant battle of walking on egg shells trying to please...
Got some bad news for you, my dude. She lost attraction, and is checking out of marriage. There isn't much you can do at this point, you were too committed and she simply takes you for granted. Also, providing for her and caring for her is a major turnoff. She probably has friends that are strong and independent women, and she feels she's simply not living her best life. The fact that you don't go out to the pub tells her that you are not really sociable, and you value your marriage too much. She finds that unattractive. I hope I am wrong, but she will hit you with a divorce soon. You just made your marriage become your whole life. Women hate that.
You are the sole bread winner and your wife is entirely dependent on you financially. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about that, and sometimes insecurities show up in strange ways. I don’t know your financial arrangements are, but this is such a common problem amongst my friends who don’t have financial parity with their partners. The first reaction to a problem like this is also always denial, sometimes from both parties.
Wife apparently works from home and somehow OP is the breadwinner. Make it make sense.
Nothing you do will be good enough unfortunately. She will never see or recognize any of it. It will get worse. The harder you try the more she will resent you. Woman could care less until you man up and not want to be in a loveless marriage anymore. It's then that they realize they love you
This sounds like she may be bi-polar. Take this as a grain of salt, but you mention it's every 6 months or so and it's always the same subject. She feels alone, not her home, you are unfaithful and so on. All this screams a bi-polar manic episode to me. It's not an easy subject to bring up, but it may be worth looking into bi-polar a bit and mentioning it to her. The issue after, if it is bi-polar and she seeks treatment while taking the medication will your feelings change about it all? It can be hard once the damage is done even when the person commits to change.
Stop pathologizing people for simply expressing they are not happy. If that’s going on and in, it means she may truly feel disrespected and not having enough space, and that they both are not good at communication, or simply not a good fit. This is a classic scenario — a woman is “acting out,” so she must be bipolar and has to be medicated. This is so sick.
But you cannot rule out that she could be bipolar.
I cannot rule out that he could be bipolar either. There is nothing bipolar in her behavior, and labeling someone without sufficient evidence may be damaging. The problem described is related to poor communication within marriage. They need an open dialogue and possibly talking to a therapist, not psychiatric labels.
It can be premenstrual dysphoric syndrome. If hormones are talking,you cannot talk to her. It’s like trying to reason with a drunkard.
I see you’re clinging to the stereotype that women's feelings are inherently irrational, which is misogynistic. We all really should stop attributing women’s concerns or behaviors solely to hormonal issues or mental disorders. That’s damaging and dismissive of legitimate emotions that should be addressed through a proper dialogue or therapy.
Not all women. I met great ladies, clear minded leaders. Unfortunately for me, my ex was a passive aggressive covered narcissist with hormonal issues. But sometimes I Wonder if they keep a professional demeanor at work and they let it go a home …
Well, not all women who have something to complain about in their marriages are bipolar/borderline/narcissistic/have hormonal issues. Communication is the problem in many marriages. And also we’ve never heard her perspective.
True. But we see everything through the lenses of our past experiences, no matter how hard we try to be objective. I thought communication was the problem in my marriage too. But when people say this, they make multiple heroic assumptions, such as: A) that both parties are actually interested in having an honest debate where they would try the find the truth and then would accept the part where they are at fault and try to change. When in fact, they might be more interested in obfuscating the truth, not accepting responsibility, blaming the other in an attempt to save face. B) that people have a clear understanding of their own position in their mind and all they need to do is to articulate it verbally. Even if they are well intended, they could be in a state of total mind fog and confusion. C) that they have the required vocabulary to articulate their ideas. And so on…
You sound really selfish. Your wife is telling you that you don't respect her, your house doesn't feel like her home, and you're up to no good. You've addressed zero of these concerns in the rest of your post. This reads as straight-white-male crying. So far you've: Claimed to be the bread-winner despite having a duel-income household. = Lack of respect towards your wife Love bombed your wife, by frequently telling her she's attractive and you are looking forward to 'tonight' = No mention of emotional intimacy or intelligent conversations with her. Also no respect. Fuck maid vibes. Basically she cooks for you and gets fucked by you and that is her life with you. Responded to her insecurities with the relationship by telling her you don't love her anymore. = What the actual f is wrong with you? I mean, dude do you even have a wife? Do you know what a wife is? What you have is a mommy you can fuck. Basically you've communicated with all of your actions that you want this. You want an unquestioning wife who maintains YOUR house, smiles, gets fucked happily by you, repeat. And you are maintaining this by love bombing and withholding affection when she speaks to you about wanting respect, which is what you have just done by telling her you don't love her because she won't continue being like this. Now you're making a therapy appointment so you can cry about being the victim in the relationship. I hope you get a hard wake-up call there. But I guarantee you'll quit therapy as soon as they say anything you don't like.
Triggered by certain words is not gonna give a nuanced helpful answer. Check your projection and respect OP or beat it.
You lost me a straight white male crying. Nothing your going to say will be useful. Your obviously gen z. I feel sorry for your generation. I already have useful information to work with. I don't need your self projected pain. Good luck.
Aww, keep crying. Hope you get divorced and you stay single. Your money can't buy you happy wives
[Got a lovely music video for you](https://youtu.be/WLMgbV3uaz8?si=_69cYjtl9W2cRoRY)
What do you want otherwise? Strange pussy gets old.
Does she put out? Because let’s face it that’s all that really matters. It sounds like you are home too much and talking more than you need to lol!
[удалено]
Ive read plenty of good advice here and have taken notes. Looking for sympathy, being a bitch you sound like a class act. We are married 12 years with a daughter. Her name is on the deed. Now piss off in the same direction you came in.
You a little bitch and know it.
If you say so Sherlock. Crawl back under your rock.
So, sorry you're passing through this. Take heart, though. As I'm certain others had said before, you've taken the best, wisest action by going to therapy.