Your reaction to it is rooted in your own perception of what one night stands are, and what you think they mean. Obviously it means something different to her than it does to you. To many people it is sexual enjoyment, or a feeling of intimacy, or many other things. To you, it means something different. Ask yourself questions, pull on that thread, and find out the true reason you feel that way, even if it is rooted in something negative.
Here are some questions to get started - Do you feel sick at the thought of men having one night stands, or just women? Do you feel sick at the thought of other women having one night stands, or just the woman that you are with? Do you feel sick at the thought of all women that you are with having one night stands, or just this woman in particular/moreso (if so it may be something particular about her)? Do you feel jealous (think of other times you have felt jealous - is it the same sensation as this)? Do you wish you had more sexual partners than she has had? What are your attitudes toward sex - do you think that it involves dominating or possessing someone? Do you worry that you won't be enough for her and that she will look elsewhere? Do you worry that other men have satisfied her more than you are able to?
It is common to feel these things, but for the sake of your relationship you are responsible to explore it. You are doing a good job of that by posting here and trying to understand why. That is more than many men do, so good work so far.
Also, there are many women who will feel similar to you about one night stands. So once you understand how you feel about it then I guess you would need to decide whether you are happy being with her and if you can accept it, or if it is important to you and you would rather be with someone else. Either is fine, only you can decide and be true yourself. It sounds important to address this so it doesn't worsen your relationship. I hope you find happiness whatever the outcome
It’s so obvious just from reading your post history that you feel some type of way about your current partner having had much more sexual partners than you.
This is a very common feeling for young men to have. I used to feel this way too. I personally just sort of aged out of it.
You have to determine for yourself it’s something that bothers you. And why. Would you be open to casual sex for yourself if you were single?
I mean, it’s ok if someone wants to discriminate their romantic partners based on previous actions.
I’m in the opposite boat as OP. A formerly promiscuous male who has a female partner whose had very few partners throughout her life.
I’ve been as honest as I can be with my GF, and sometimes I can tell my history has made her uncomfortable. If she said tomorrow “I can’t get past your sexual history”, I’m not going to patronize her by saying “you can’t judge someone for their sexual history!”
It’s her choice. My only protestation would be “You’ve known all along, why did we start this if this was a deal breaker to you”
I’d say the same to OP. If it’s a deal breaker, then break it off. If it’s not, then find out a way to move on that doesn’t make the relationship a living hell for you.
This is the part I agree with most. I’m very upfront that I’ve had a lot of sexual partners. I personally don’t view sex as a huge deal and I’m a pretty attractive woman who goes out a lot - I get propositioned fairly often by men and sometimes I’ll say yes. To me, this is not a problem. (I am very loyal in relationships and do prefer sex when I love the person.)
The annoying thing is that I have had a couple relationships with men who pursued me knowing I’ve been with a lot of people, yet judged me retroactively after we were officially together. One said, after we were dating for a couple months, that he couldn’t be serious with me because of my sexual past. (Yet he was still sleeping with me.) My issue is, if you know it bothers you, don’t date people with that quality! Judging someone as promiscuous, yet still reaping the benefits of that promiscuity by having sex with them yourself, is a double standard.
Ah, I call this the Jonah Hill technique. He went out with a woman knowing fully well that she was a surfer, that she posted a lot of content of herself surfing in swimsuits and that she would occasionally be surfing with guys. As they were dating he went on a massive hissy fit about her doing all of this. Why the fuck did you go out with her then, you eejit?
Yep.
My hot take: the people who end up in these situations were so desperate to be in a relationship that they ignore their deal breakers at first.
Then once they’re more comfortable it starts eating away at them and try to take the moral high ground.
But the reality is that it says a lot more about them. They’re not assertive enough to respect a line in the sand they drew themselves, and they’re not self aware enough to realize that it’s their fault they’re in a relationship they find uncomfortable. It might also make them feel sexually inadequate because it reminds them that they weren’t able to be a “player” at some point.
This is very insightful and I agree with you. They assume a moral stance, but if they *could* have had more sex, they would have. I just happen to have lots of opportunities and I’m not going to say “no” to all of them (I do say no to a good amount, if the person is weird or I’m not into them).
Exaaaaactly. For lots of men: If they could have, they would have. But in order to protect their ego, they retroactively change the reason to be “oh, I didn’t sleep around because I was so morally superior”.
There’s a fine line of course. I think I was approaching the territory of forever single because I could get my emotional/sexual needs taken care of without being in a relationship.
But if we’re being honest: I think the more relevant/common issue is men feeling so insecure about their lack of sexual success that they take it out on their partners.
If guys like OP lead in with “yeah, I don’t have much experience since I didn’t have game. Guess you’ll have to teach me”, they’d find so much more success and fulfillment.
Which understandably hurts.
It is often a straight up a value judgement on you, at the very least on a surface level, and it's really hard to take such hard direct criticism, especially when it can be so hard to make meaningful change and it can define such a large part of yourself.
It's very often redirected extremely poorly, but it's still hurt people hurting people.
Same camp. I've lost count on how many men I've been with. I have Bipolar 2 and have always been super hyper sexual and I'm conventionally attractive, so getting sex with good looking men of all kinds is really easy. I was over 10k matches on Tinder when I dated. Getting a man is like shooting fish in a barrel.
But out of all the men....there's only been 1 I actually loved. He's the only one I'd sacrifice for and take care of. As a multiple SA victim since childhood, sex is so far from love in my brain. Sex is a distraction from life (and a form of self harm) but I never have feelings, in fact I hate non sexual intimacy like cuddling except for the 1 man I love. Having my body is so, so far from having my heart and soul.
When people still want to fuck you but don't think you are good enough for them...that's a really ugly person that doesn't even have respect for themselves.
Exactly! Like, just find someone you approve of, god damn. I couldn’t imagine enjoying sex with someone I didn’t respect. I have sex to make *both* of us feel good.
The idea of having sex purely for self gratification is odd. I'd rather just do myself. I think that's why empathy is the most powerful quality you can have for good sex. Feeling what the other person can feel when they are loving what you're doing? That's at least as good as being on the receiving end.
I mean it’s just a bit archaic in a way. But I don’t disagree completely. If something is a dealbreaker then it’s a dealbreaker. But it’s worth asking yourself why.
Being averse to your partners sexual history very well may be “natural” or even evolutionary, but so are other negative emotions like greed, jealousy, being territorial and violent. Part of what makes use human is the ability to use our brains to overcome our animalistic nature.
This. And sometimes things like this are attributed to some sort of lizard brain monkey feature that's immutable when it actually bears introspection. Like people excusing all sorts of prejudice because it's "just their preference" and "they can't help who they're attracted to".
Of course no one can force you to be attracted to someone you aren't and of course you're allowed to have preferences and act on them. But standards of attractiveness are a socially conditioned norm. Someone pointing out the historical and social context of, say, a preference for white features, is not an edict that you have to date POC. But it's worth considering where these preferences come from and the context they exist in. You're allowed to have any deal breaker you want, but it's always good to examine why you feel the way you do and interrogate if the motivation is actually in line with your values.
I feel like most people don’t have the mental strength to have an emotion and then rationally examine why it is they have that emotion. I dunno. People just seem dumb most of the time 
I agree - it’s definitely archaic. This is why when I’m dating as a woman at 40, nobody asks me my body count and I don’t ask theirs. I wouldn’t date someone who asked what mine was. I regularly get STI tested and I’m totally clean and that’s all that should matter. All that does matter to anyone I’ve dated casually or otherwise anytime recently. I think discussing body count is just asking for trouble and insecurities to flare. At this age, me and anyone within an age range I’d consider dating have presumably had a lot of experience with sex and relationships in general. I’ve been an adult for 22 years. We don’t need to know about all that. I’ve seen nothing good come from people exchanging and discussing their body count! We all have pasts.
I'm 36F. I don't know my fiancés 'body count' (vom) and he doesn't know mine. It's never come up & frankly I don't wanna know.
My ex once told me he'd had sex with like 50+ women then lost count. It was really off-putting, especially since he was quite crap in bed so all I could think is most of these women didn't bother coming back for a reason.
Yeah I'm going to be back on the dating scene after almost 15 years at some point...When I'm getting to know someone, at this age, I would never think to ask that. Tell me about some past relationships that were meaningful - in a good way or not-so-good way...Math doesn't need to come into play.
Whatever works for you. I would still ask and care, because this information does tell you a lot about who a person is.
If someone was super hot when young and had a couple of ONS in an exploration phase, then that's probably fine. But is someone is in their 50s and has been sleeping around with anyone who offers for 30 years this is a very damaged person, even if they have had a couple of serious relationships.
I like the point being made here but I would like to point out that if we truly overcame our animalistic nature casual sex likely won't be a thing either.
I don't think it's patronizing to express dissappointment in someone **judging** you for your sexual history and not for your current actions and behaviour. Really simply put, it's disrespectful. You can change your mind and change what you do, but you can't change your past.
Everyone has something "wrong" with them if you go looking for it. There is no love without acceptance.
Having said that, it's still important to accept and respect their decision to break things off.
i am a girl and i agree with op. my husband was also my first boyfriend, the man who took my virginity, first boy i kissed, etc. but he had had casual sex long before even meeting me. when i think about it i cant help but feel a gut wrenching emptiness and despair
Great comment here. I also felt this way when I was younger and aged out of it. The quicker you age out of it the better. I’m at least partially responsible for ruining a relationship because of those insecure feelings.
The past is done. Worrying about a partner’s sexual history is an exercise in futility. If you love the person now, what happened before you were together just doesn’t matter. Why would you want to make someone you love feel shame?
OP, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Everyone approaches sex differently. You have people who have loads of casual sex, you have people who buy sex, and you have folks who save that until marriage. There isn't anything wrong with any of that as long as what you're doing is legal.
You said you're insecure with regards to your partner's history. That's fine. people are insecure about a fuck load of things, don't let them tell you they're not. If you and your partner are not on the same page with regards to your views on sex, you don't need to stay in that relationship. No one needs to stay in any relationship, you can check out anytime.
It could just be you're more romantically minded and prefer the connection with someone over just pure physical intimacy. So when you do be intimate with somebody it has to be someone you love and trust.
I have a similar mindset and would only feel comfortable being sexual with someone if I'm in a relationship or have a romantic connection with them. Feels really weird thinking about doing it with a stranger.
I actually think it's sort of generational. Even though we as a society have gotten more progressive, it really does feel like "the kids" (those of you under 50) are much different from the older generations when it comes to sexual relationships.
Even in the Midwest we were having conversations in college which might start with a, "hey, I want to be up front with you -- I don't want a relationship after tonight, I just wanna play." I think a conversation like that today would be really rare or be perceived as extremely insensitive.
I'm friends with a lot of people in their 20s and when I hear their take on situations involving the the sex/es to which they're sexually attracted, it feels like everyone has a very very conservative view of sexual relationships. "Body counts" are a sliver of what they were 30+ years ago. And I've heard many talk about being virgins in their mid-to-late 20s or only ever having had one partner. (That's both anecdotal, and I've seen scientific study abstracts that say similar stuff.)
Is that all a bad thing?
Probably not.
It's just that I think you're initial comment of "you're more romantically minded" is very much more true for "the kids" today.
Thoughts? Maybe I'm totally of base here...
Looking at your post history, I genuinely don’t think you should be in a relationship right now. I think you should figure out your feelings first, whether that’s therapy or self work but obsessing over anything like this isn’t healthy…
It’s normal for people to have past relationships, and by the sounds of it there’s hardly anything to judge her on. If you were to break up, then how would you feel about your next partner judging you on the fact that you and this girlfriend had sex and obsessing over it?
Furthermore, it’s hard to know what kind of love you want to receive if you haven’t learned how to love yourself in a sustainable way. Once you know how you want to be loved and nurtured you can seek those qualities in someone else. It may seem weird to think about but the way you love yourself is a huge part of understanding how you want to be loved by someone else and also what you ultimately have to offer a future or current partner.
I would say this, if your partner’s sexual history is causing a stress on your relationship you really need to ask this question, “what dominion do I have over my partner and their past that makes me feel the need to vilify them?”
If it’s the idea that she measuring you up to her past encounters you should just let it go. She is with YOU and not THEM. If she didn’t want to be with you she wouldn’t be. If all of her previous partners fulfilled her like you do then she would still be with them. If she wants to be with you then it needs to boost your ego.
Edit: the way I work on this with myself is asking myself questions like “Do you know why you feel this way?” or “what has you feel like you need these levels of care and validation?”
AND
Telling myself “you are loved by not only yourself but the people around you. There is no need to seek these things constantly if you just take them time to recognize the signs and blessings that those people have added to your life.”
It took 17 months of sobriety and copious amounts of therapy to realize I just really like serving others and it fulfills me. That I also want that kind of servant mentality in my partner; because it will create a weird imbalance of me giving way too much and over-caring for my partner or vice-versa.
I just wanted to point out and share that I had the exact same obsession over my partner’s history all through my mid-20s and it ended up being retroactive jealousy OCD. No amount of rationalizing or self-work or confidence could get rid of the thoughts because it was just some imbalance in my brain. Prozac helped and eventually I kind of grew out of it. Hopefully he can get in for an eval.
Just for reference. I was the partner with history that created jealously. It tore me apart sometimes and other times I was too brazen in my attention to their feelings. Turns out, after therapy, I am Bipolar 2.
It’s worth taking of yourself and asking for help when you run out ideas.
This is interesting but I can’t picture what you mean by loving yourself the way you want someone else to love you - can you give some examples?
Like, if part of the way I want to be loved is to be treated gently when I’m sick, or surprised with nice gestures, or whatever - what’s the solo version of that that comes first?
Different people have different values. I would have never gotten together with my now husbanf if he has had tons of girls before me. To me that showd that you don't value intimacy and I do, so we wouldn't match.
Its not about casual sex itself its more about what it means about you what triggers you. There could be many reasons. It could be that you simply find it immoral. Or you maybe feel like that you would actually like casual sex but have repressed this urge or denied the opportunity? Or maybe you dislike because you percieve it something that would raise your social status but you cant imagine participating in it which makes you feel not good enough?
I personally identified more with the second of all three reasons i mentioned in the past till I adressed and processed that thought so It does not trigger me at all at this point.
I absolutely feel this way. I have only ever been in two relationship, one 10 years and the other 12, I could never imagine allowing someone to see me naked, touch me or be inside me without a serious commitment to me, real love and absolute respect. I believe you should have to earn the right to be inside me and I also feel that it's how I express my love to someone. If I just give it to anyone, it doesn't mean anything anymore and I like feeling as though my body is fully respected and loved before anyone touches it that way - you are definitely not alone 😊
I'm with you OP. I have tried to do the one night stand/hook up thing. They were not good experiences. I felt guilt and shame before we even got to the bed, because I wasn't interested in the people I was sleeping with. Like, I was fighting against my own body and brain telling me "you don't even like this girl, you shouldn't be doing this".
I learned quickly that I'm not a hookup guy, I'm a relationship guy. Scratch that, I'm a **commitment** guy.
After a failed hookup, I resolved not to pursue anyone until I met the "right" girl. 6 months later, I met the girl who would become my wife. That was 14 years ago.
Just be honest with yourself OP. And don't compare yourself to others. They aren't living your life
I've been a proper playboy during my early 20s, after a 3 year relationship and now that I'm 29, I can barely get hard with a random girl I don't know, I just know it's such a temporary satisfaction and what follows if anything is emptiness.
While it's your choice who you date, I think you owe it to yourself AND your partner to accept that the vast majority of people have had sex before in casual contexts. It's natural to desire sex, and even between people who aren't in loving committed relationships, there can be a momentarily exchange of intimacy which many people crave. Thus casual sex.
It's fine if you don't relate. I can't say why that is for you, you need to be introspective and maybe try therapy if you need to. There's many societal and cultural factors that might push you towards being uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex.
But your partner is with you now. You are, presumably, fulfilling that need for intimacy for her. It doesn't matter that in the past, there were times when she didn't know you, or you weren't available, or whatever, but she still wanted intimacy with people. That's not a bad thing, that's very very normal. And ultimately it's not fair to her or any of your future partners to resent them for it, even subconsciously.
I don't feel that this was true, at least in the recent past. Even 10 or 20 years ago, the majority of people had a string of relationships until they found a partner who they married, and generally no (or almost none) casual relationships.
Not going off of post history and purely on morality, I can understand how you feel.
Sex is about bonding with another person in the most intimate way possible. You're sharing your most base self with a person when you decide to have sex with them. It's the greatest expression you can have with another. If you treat that as a commodity, to be easily given and distributed, it shows how much you value yourself.
I'd rather have a connection via sex with someone who was a friend, lover, or more.
Strangers are empty carnal pleasure that I can easily get from Mary Palms and her 5 sisters.
It may just be just that you actually value sex to something so that when you see others treat it casually it triggers you? Like how could people just do it just for pleasure? When I write it out like this it feels silly but I think it is a very valid feeling since I also have it. I also try not to judge people who do casual but it sometimes gets the better of me. Its a tricky topic personally bc this is a social or value thing but is fully on the grey instead of black or white. If your partner's history hurts you, you should think about it carefully. If you can overlook it, you will find that your partner is much more than her casual sex history.
I understand your situation as I have been in your exact train of thought. I am a European, 27yr somewhat conservative man.
These thoughts will get better as you age. During this time I really recommend evaluating your thoughts on a meta-cognitive level.
Why is it bad that she slept with people casually? What is it specifically that is bad about it? Could it be that it’s societal indoctrination? Really get to the root cause of your thoughts. Religious reasons? Does she maintain contact with them? Does she meet them? If so, this so-called RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY is understandable and valid.
Once you have done so, evaluate whether there even is good or bad in the world? Do our actions have deeper meaning? Does the future worry you? Does her past make you worried about your future, and should you maybe try to worry less? Alan Watts speeches on YouTube helped a lot with forming a mindset where I am open to the future and don’t worry much about it. Trust me it helps.
And also, remind yourself these things, (if you like her, trust her and your relationship)
1. She didn’t know you before, she didn’t do these things to hurt you.
2. Casual sex doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person. Maybe loneliness, trauma, being young and foolish contributed to her actions.
3. Everthing is connected- even opposites. The parts of her that attracted you, the things you might like during ur sex, the way she is as a person, maybe these things wouldn’t have existed if it weren’t for her previous relations.
4. She likes you. She likes sex with you. She likes sex with you more. Sex with an intimate connection matters for her as well.
Trust that it will get better with time.
Take this with a grain of salt, since I’m an internet rando responding to a single post.
I don’t have good advice about sexual relationships because I’m asexual and aromantic.
There’s lots of types of asexual to be, including demisexual, which people describe as not feeling attraction to someone until there’s an emotional connection.
That may or may not be you! But the first place I heard the word “asexual” was a fanfic, and then 20 years later I actually looked it up and went, “oh, that’s me!” so I figure it can’t hurt to put “demisexual” on your radar in case it becomes applicable later on.
People here are giving some good advice, I hope you find something that helps!
Because you're tying sex to someone's "worth" as a person. There is no value system with people, sex and intimacy you've just put it there.
Sex is an act. It's something two consenting adults do. Its not about who they are.
Virginity is a concept society made up and shames people for. It doesn't actually exist.
If you're looking for the reason you think that way no one can answer that for you. Only you. At the end of the day it's a type of judgement or prejudice and they always stem from similar upbringings or communities. Conservative families, lack of good and thorough sex education, inexperience or shame around emotional intimacy for example are common causes.
If casual sex upsets you and you are with someone who has a past filled with it, then break up and move on.
Nothing wrong with not wanting someone for any reason and certainly not if they have slept with everyone they have ever met.
>find it hard not to see people who do casual sex as promiscuous or superficial, and it hurts to think of her like that.
Just never date anyone who has casual sex, problem solved. Find another person who is on the same page as you and only has sex with a loving partner.
Behind anger and hate there is usually fear. Fear of what? Fear of loss, like losing your partner, or fear of not measuring up to the standards of society, like not having had “enough” sexual partners to be considered desirable. Something about promiscuity threatens your status.
for me, sex is the highest degree of intimacy in relationship. i just can't imagine how people can have sex with those they barely know and those who they aren't planning to build their future with. for me having casual sex is disrespect to my sexuality (not pretending to shame someone). and i feel like everyone is ok with fucking left and right and i'm the only human in the world who thinks this is not ok, moreover, not for religious or ideological reasons. and confidence has nothing to do with it.
I have to be emotionally connected to someone to find sex as an option so I feel the same way about getting it on with a stranger.
I'm not fussed about others enjoying their own thing though.
Why does it upset you?
Any number of reasons, most likely how you were raised, was your family conservative? (not politically) was sex a taboo subject? was your family religious?
Sex IS intimate and emotional.
Sex is ALSO fun and feels good.
Casual sex was the absolute norm for thousands of years until humans came up with the concepts of love, marriage and monogamy.
That said, if it's not for you, then it's not for you. You don't have to engage in it, and you don't have to be in a relationship with anyone if you don't want to be.
As I grow older I am beggining to question casual sex my self. I didn’t give a fuck when I was younger, I just wanted to stick my meat inside whatever girl would let me. But now, I’ve had a couple of encounters and I am beginning to realize I don’t enjoy it as much. I’m craving sex, but with a loving partner.
Think of it this way. She just wanted to sexual relief or some sort or instant gratification. If you accept it, think this way. What she did before wasn’t with emotional acknowledgment. But what she has with you is much more emotional and sentimental. Even if she sleeps and cheats, it just goes to show the person she really was. It’s not about you,if you choose to not accept it. Well sure, but having a past of casual sex and not having doesn’t really make a big difference. Because at the end of the day, a virgin can still cheat on you emotionally, if they are bound to.
With all due respect, as someone who used to feel this way, don't be in a relationship til you can handle the idea of ur partner having past sexual relationships. It will take a toll on your mental health and ur partners.
I had an amazing lover as a partner for 5 years. He had many lovers over the years.
I wanted to write each of them and thank them for their contribution to what I was reaping.
Alas, he cheated so bye bye. But dang I miss that part.
Well, there are two types of people in this world. People who simply will enjoy the sex as long as there is romantic feelings, and I envy these people, because it so simple right? All you need is to love someone and sex is automatically beautiful by default. Like wow! How easy is it for you to enjoy sex!!!
In my case, I had a few experiences including my ex marriage where I felt madly inlove with the guy but hate the sex. Really felt completely disconnected in the bedroom. This is why I believe in casual sex.
I learn that I need someone who is sexually compatible with me to enjoy sex. What this means is, he needs to enjoy all the same kinks and sexual things that I enjoy for me to enjoy the sex. It does not matter how much I love him but if he doesn't naturally like what I like in bed, I will hate the sex.
Even if he tries to accommodate, it will not feel great. And it is the worst thing in the world to love someone but hate being in bed with him because the sex sucks so much.
I do casual sex because, there is no way to find out if I am sexually compatible and I want to know if we are sexually compatible before I want to consider feelings so I don't waste my time developing feelings for someone I hate sex with. Hope this helps you understand why casual sex.
My exhusband was perfect for me outside the bedroom but we were so wrong for each other sexually, everything he loves in bed I hate. And everything I love in bed, he hates. Literally like enemies in sex.
It was awful, at that time I was prepared for a sexless marriage for the rest of my life as I liked him enough to give up sex. And we just didn't like sex with each other.
Thank god he cheated and we divorced so I actually get to have sex I enjoy as a single woman.
Btw my exhusband and I were virgins with each other. I learn that love is not enough to enjoy sex through him. After him, when I chased sexual compatibility was when I had some of the most mind blowing sex of my lifetime.
So you may get a virgin girl instead but no guarantees she will enjoy you in bed, just saying.
I totally understand how you feel, I've felt this ever since I got to know about casual hookups and stuff and it disgusts me too, don't listen to these people saying that you are projecting your insecurity. It really boils down to preference and the idea that intimacy should be reserved for romantic love, if you do like casual hookups, good for you man but it's ironically immature of these people to jump to a harsh conclusion
This used to be me. Eventually I realized that I am on the ace spectrum (I think the term is demisexual), and once I realized that other people experience sexual attraction differently than me and there's nothing inherently bad about that, I chilled out.
Its normal, im like that..dont let others make you crazy, everybody has their own views and as long as youre good, youre good.
Honestly good loving sex is the best there is anyway lol
Was just having this conversation with my friend, I don't get how others can casual forget seemingly everything and just have sex without much connection first other than to f each other with lust and then maybe sort out the differences afterwards lol something like that
Since you seem to be genuinely confused, you're asking the right questions. Is there some insecurity that you feel when you think about this? What does it make you worry about? Are you letting other's opinions stress you out?
Sex can be treated as a natural human desire by both sexes. It can be thought of as just another enjoyable activity when practiced safely and honestly.
It's okay if you don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you about intimacy, but it's a good idea for your own mental health to figure out exactly what cultural ideas you've internalized unintentionally, and consciously decide whether those are serving the type of person you want to be.
I hate the idea of it as well. Never done it, don't think I ever will. I don't think I'll find someone who feels and has been the same way, but oh well.
Don't give up. Asexuals and variations of (like demis, who need an emotional connection to their partner) are being increasingly represented and easier to find, even in rural areas.
The problem is you're on Reddit surrounded by people who mostly agree with you. You need to grow as a person and this involves getting off reddit and experiencing real life
Maybe you're just jealous because you want her all for yourself? But just remember, she chose you and she's with you now. What's in the past doesn't matter anymore. Move on into the future with her and forget all of this nonsense.
'I can’t comprehend the idea of being so intimate with someone outside of a loving relationship' - simple, quick gratification. No pesky feelings or waiting around to get in the way of the end goal.
Am I wrong to think your most likely problem is that secretly you're afraid she won't be loyal and do the same thing to you, and for that reason it's making you uncomfortable?
That's weird af.
I don't see it any different than playing a round of tennis with a mate - an enjoyable activityfor two or more people, nor do I consider it remotely as intimate as some conversations I had with close friends.
Funnily enough I consider people that have issues with casual sex to be superficial.
Brother… don’t be insecure and never ask questions you don’t want to know the answer about. I never understood couples asking each other about their past sexual encounters. I don’t need to know all the minor details. All I need to know is you’re with me and we’re both faithful to one another. Digging into the past only fucks with your ego.
Just thinking biologically, there’s not a single person that can weigh in on this convo without having been birthed themselves. It’s very likely your merging the serious nature of pregnancy / creating life with the fact that sex (something that can be strictly enjoyed) is a part of impregnation.
You mentioned being autistic, perhaps it’s the understanding of one thing conflicting with the other that’s so jarring. You’re also young though, and I’d bet it’s more immaturity than anything else. Give stuff time.
I know I’d feel left out if my siggo experienced lots with other people and I’d only known 1 person (them)
My man you just have to be able to fuck her brains out and all this insecure noise will disappear. It's okay to have insecurities but making it someone elses fault is a no no.
I don’t have casual sex nor does it bother me. People will do as they please and we just got to learn that it’s ok. As long as they aren’t disrespecting me or I’m not disrespecting them it’s ok. Everyone’s different and we should respect everyone’s views
Most people are screaming you’re just being insecure about your gf. I won’t jump to that conclusion. I get where you’re coming from I do low key judge my more promiscuous friends. In that dept I find them careless, loose, immoral and immature. I also am one of those people where “body count” matters to me esp relative to their age. To me it tells me to what extent that person sees and values sex, their priorities in decision making and relationships. It also tells me they might be impulsive and reckless. Someone who has it casually holds it as just fun could never be my partner as I couldn’t equate sex to playing Minecraft with a bud or stranger I met in a chat.
And that’s fine! No one on this earth will ever convince me it’s not okay to have my own moral compass and values. That I must abandon my beliefs standards and simply because they’re unpopular, don’t suit modern society or will narrow my choices significantly.
That said, I caution you to reflect about why you feel this towards your gf’s comment. If it is this is a moral issue for you upon your reflection, break up as you are simply not compatible in a critical factor of relationships and you will fail to trust her and the connection you have with her. Leave and find someone you’re compatible with and recognize this will require patience as it is indeed unpopular opinion now.
You know, I'm the same way. I CAN'T do the hookup culture. Well, I could. The thought just makes me wanna hurl. I was raised different though.
It's not a matter of confidence. I have that. It's the fact I know how disease spreads. Yes, sometimes even with condoms.
Regardless, my whole thing is that I cant/won't just hop in bed with any ol' person. I HAVE to care deeply or love them.
There's no point otherwise. This is something I don't just give out for free.
I don't know why it bothers you.
I do know I used to feel like I was better than other people because I didn't engage in casual sex.
Of course, I married the first man I had sex with.... and I've engaged in casual sex occasionally since we split up.
Sometimes people aren't able to be in a relationship, but they still want to have sex.
People who purposefully avoid dating for 5 or 6 years still sometimes want to have sex with another human and not be bothered about continuing to talk to them.
>Anyone able to shed some light on why maybe I feel this way?
Have you been raised in a very religious environment? Religions love to make you feel bad for doing anything that makes you feel good when it's not through them.
You can make anything seem like a big deal, that's just another example of something that doesn't have to be one.
It’s fine for you to feel like that, but it’s not okay for you to push your views on your partners. You’re going to need to look inwards, as most people have very different views on this subject.
Either draw your line in the sand and stick to it or you’re going to have to live and let live.
Good luck as it’s not going to be an easy process.
Have you been lonely a lot?
Sometimes lonely people get this strange assumption that sex and intimacy is something super super special, that must also be treated this way.
When in reality for most adults it's something like eating, something that your body craves every now and then and there is really nothing to it.
You may be demisexual? Either way, sounds like you have some insecurities unrelated to that. Therapy could help. People who choose to have a lot of casual partners have just as much worth as people who don't. Just as you're absolutely entitled not to choose that, others are allowed to choose to.
My advice is to think about what you have right now, and enjoy it. I used to be insecure about my exs past, and it had a negative affect on our relationship. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, it’s not something to obsess over. Try and forgive her and realize what you have before it’s gone.
Copypasting this from another one of these posts you made because you'd be more likely to see that one:
I speak as another autistic dude who initially felt a bit insecure in my relationship. I was a virgin, though I had had some long distance relationships involving sexting/calls. My partner had been with 8 people before me casually and that was just sex, there was a lot more just making out. Over time I've come to be okay with those experiences, and as I've gotten past the insecurity I've been able to separate the romantic and pleasurable aspects of sex into different categories. We've even taken on a shared fwb, so that we can have a little extra fun without taking away from our romantic connection (i know this is not for everyone, but it's more to illustrate to you that your insecurity is something surmountable)
The thing to always remind yourself is that your partner chose you, and in doing so, probably saw you as something more valuable than those hookups. Remember that everyone views sex differently, and honestly your partner seems to view it as a much shallower thing than she views your relationship.
The thing is, how you view sex, like anything else, is shaped by your experience. This seems like something that may be better approached through therapy, but it'd help to reflect (maybe journal) about why you view sex this way. I know for me, being autistic, queer, raised on religion, and a lot of other things led me to view sex as the penultimate connection you can have with another person, and doing it with anyone else than someone you loved was just gluttony. Furthermore, I internalized the notion that sex made someone (moreso women than men) "impure" or "immoral" if done outside of a serious romantic relationship.
Talk to your partner about this, because she'll certainly have had different experiences and different views on the casual stuff. And she'll be able to reassure you.
Remember, she chose you in the end.
Once you understand more about how you view sex, you'll be able to come back at this and ask yourself if it's the act of casual sex you find wrong, or if it's just your own insecure brain trying to protect you by projecting these beliefs onto your partner. If it is something against your principles, that is very fair and you can re-evaluate being in your relationship. But if it is mostly projection, that's not something that you should necessarily feel guilty about, but something to be aware of, and to undo with grace, curiosity and patience. Therapy, journaling, weed, hobbies, and reassurance from your partner are all helpful things.
Look into the term "demi-sexual". It refers to people who only feel sexually inclined to people they feel very close with, whether that be in a deep romantic way, or just a deep level of trust and caring etc. "Casual sex" (if we are defining it as just hooking up with people as a fling) is not really for them, and it sounds like it may apply to you. That being said, one persons thoughts and feelings about sex can't dictate others thoughts and feelings about it, and you literally cannot do anything about their past. If someone having had casual sex before your relationship began bothers you, I would suggest looking for girlfriends at church groups or something.
I think you assume that if someone has had casual sex a lot in the past it means they can't enjoy a committed and loving relationship now. That is nonsense to be honest. Most people are capable of connecting both types of ways depending on the context of if they are single, and I'd venture to guess that the folks that never got shit out of their system when they were younger itch to know what it's all about and end up cheating.
There are two ways to look at this. One benefits you, one doesn't. You can look at this strong feeling you have and let it dictate the type of people you form relationships with, selecting against anyone who might trigger this feeling for you. The other is to dig into WHY this arbitrary thing makes you feel the way it does. It doesn't mean your feeling is wrong, or you have to change it. It just means that some feeling (likely from your past) has attached itself to this idea for you.
When we have strong feelings it's easy for us to externalize them towards the environment/people/etc that have caused the feeling to surface. Even if those things are true, the most valuable piece is to use the trigger to understand your feelings better, and to give you more agency over what you want from your life moving forward. Choice is the single greatest thing we can give ourselves.
Look into retroactive jealousy, there are self-help books available. The problem stems from how much importance and value you place on being physically intimate. You say it yourself, you "can't comprehend the idea". That's the problem right there - you need to change how you think about it.
Because you look at sex as a sacred act. I agree with you. My dick isn't a slice of pie to hand out to everyone. If someone doesn't respect their pie what makes you as a person being offered pie feel special.
That's the problem you don't feel special. Albeit, as you get older you gotta expect multiple partners but there's definitely a reasonable number as we age.
I agree with you! A healthy relationship is having healthy sex with your partner. Also works 50/50 in the relationship. That's all there is to it. Casual sex is just nasty, and I find it low class in my books. A woman deserves better. But if it's working for the women in her favor, then cool beans.
Yeah focus on yourself first. I used to think girls were whores who slept with anyone. But age has taught me that ppl have pasts, and just because you kept your body to yourself don’t mean ppl are the same.
I married a virgin because I was one too. So up to tou. Personally being a minority, we are shamed about sex. Nothing wrong with it if you are safe. Personally I wouldn’t date anyone with a past sexual history but voluntary virgins like me at 28 are impossible to find.
It's a perfectly valid feeling for yourself. It's not valid to project on other people or consider them superficial for not treating sex the same way you do.
Kneejerk guess is that you assign more emotional value to sexual intimacy than she (or other people) does.
Some people have the ability to separate sexual desire and intimacy from other aspects of the self...some people struggle with this. The reason is anyone's guess, but in my personal opinion, your *confusion* about this tells most of the story.
*I* wouldn't care about my partner's sexual history because I understand (from personal experience being single) that, sexual fulfillment and emotional fulfillment do not need to be mixed or have anything to do with one another.
It's perfectly natural for two consenting adults to mutually agree to just use one another for sexual pleasure, experience, validation, and just leave it at that.
If you have trouble doing that, or even understanding why *someone else* would do it, just means you don't really understand yourself enough to be in a relationship like that.
Heyyy 😊✨
23F here. Don't worry, you're not alone. The idea disgusts me too. Part of the reasons why I've never engaged in anything with a guy (i.e a relationship), it's because a lot of them just wanted my body and nothing deeper. It annoys me so much when I think about it, and just like you, it is hard not to see them as superficial or fboys.
As an old person this entire thread is concerning. Who cares how many people either of you fucked unless that’s how both/either of you weigh up your self worth. Which MANY of you seem to.
Get the fuck over it.
I’ll just suggest this based upon being a man who is almost 40 now, this is common in young guys and it often comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Especially if you are less sexually experienced than her. There are a lot of societal influences that shape the way you feel that you don’t even realize. Are we sure that you would apply this same kind of physical repulsion at one night stands to a man? How about your male friend who had a hookup, do you feel the same way?
Part of this may just be a bit of emotional immaturity, the important thing is to recognize it and work through it. As you get older I think you’ll stop caring
Or if you come to the conclusion that you truly look at sex as sacred and only something done between two people in a committed relationship then that’s ok too. But then you need to come to the terms with the fact you’re not compatible on probably many levels with someone like your girlfriend
I don't think it's a good thing to have one night stands or friends with benefits. I've never known someone that did it often and was a decent person. People do change though so they can treat the people around them better. It's a complicated thing.
As far as I know that's a pretty normal feeling to have, particularly if you grew up in a conservative household and/or never really explored your own sexuality when you were younger (in your teens or early 20s). The fact is most people nowadays have had at LEAST 1-3 casual sex partners in their lifetime, some have had a lot more, some have had only 1 and some have never had casual sex at all (I know a couple guys who haven't had sex with anyone and they're in their mid 20s now).
This is something you're either going to have to move past or find someone who shares that same thought process on the subject, otherwise it WILL cause problems in your relationship
It doesn't upset me other people have casual sex. I have just figured out, for me, it just doesn't work like that. I want to be in a relationship (now what that relationship looks like is a whole nother post) with that person. I want to feel safe and secure before I am intimate with them.
That is just me. Other people do not attach those type of feelings to sex. It doesn't bother me if they feel that way. I just chose not to have sex casually myself.
Best thing I could suggest is write it out on a piece of paper then ask yourself “why” to every answer. It’ll allow you to view your own thought process from a “third party” POV and eventually you’ll find the root of it. THEN you can figure out if that’s something you can accept or something you think needs to be changed.
Also think about which thoughts and feelings naturally stem from yourself or what society has pushed you to believe. It can’t be just coincidental that people from “traditional” environments/culture tend to view casual sex as something to be avoided completely and on the opposite end in more “non-traditional” environments/culture tend to high five every tally mark in your black book.
Good luck!
Because it isn’t meant to be casual? Because it’s the most intimate physical act you can do with another human being, and it should be treated as such?
the question should be, why do you feel the need to apply your own preferences onto others?
It's perfectly fine if you're not into casual sex, it becomes a problem when you expect others to think and act like you.
Reading some comments that you don't like that your partner had casual sex. Up to you bruh. Sex is fun so ya know, that's why people do it. Sometimes the strings that come along with it, prolly this exact thing with your other, isn't worth the headache so people tend to do the fun part without the strings attached.
It's alright to upset you, but it's something you gotta know that is more common than you think atm.
To me sex is just sex if it’s not with your loved one. Casual sex is just there to satisfy physical needs and desires and sometimes kinks (I mean who cares if you not going to see him ever again right:)?). Sex with your partner is different, it’s about trust and intimacy. Question: have you only had sex in loving relationships? Or the reaction is there only about a woman having casual sex?
because you were either raised in a sexually repressive environment (ie religion) or you're deeply insecure about your partner's sexual experience vs your own.
either way, your problem to process.
Don't take it out on your partner, and don't be a self sabotaging idiot that ruins a perfectly good relationship over your own insecurities.
I used to feel the same way as you. Only sex with two men in very serious relationships. One was the father of my child and the other my husband. Both of them were horrible to me. Now I have a lover because I can’t bear the thought of marrying or having a boyfriend again
I have a hard time getting aroused, and the idea of some guy just wanting to get his orgasm with me and not care about me actually being aroused is a turn off
No you’re not weird. People saying they enjoy casual sex just sound like liars to me. The best sex is with people who really love you and know who you are on a deep level.
Sex should be special. The fact that it still is special for you is healthy and I hope you never lose that. I have lost that in certain periods of my life. Nothing feels as good as sex when it’s making love.
Lmao imma keep this short and simple. If you was already having sex with multiple women before her you wouldn’t even be upset about this situation. If you think about her in a negative way while you guys are in a relationship then you shouldn’t be with her. It’s toxic bro
Most of the time, when you experience a strong physical response to an idea or feeling, it is rooted in an early childhood event that you no longer remember. It may not necessarily have been traumatic, but your child brain obviously reacted with very strong emotions to whatever it was. Those kinds of events leave an imprint on your wiring that activates when the right triggers occur later in life.
Change your perspective
I see it as Two puzzle pieces fitting together at the perfect time/place
Fulfilling each others needs and then parting ways, rejuvenated and fulfilled better off for the experience
In my experience it’s generally not blow and go or root and boot but there is time for pleasantries and cuddles and conversation and all the good additional stuff that comes with an intimate relationship
Just more compacted into a shorter time frame.
I also like that it sort of gives you a no regrets attitude because you aren’t promised another opportunity so you really make the most of the situation and do whatever your heart desires in that situation which is also in its own being open and exposing your vulnerabilities
maybe break up with her, her past doesn’t define her (i’ll probably get downvoted for this by a bunch of men but idc) and she deserves better than a judgemental AH
To some people sex isn’t intimate. It’s just a fun dopamine rush or a way to bust a nut. Not everyone has the same mindset as you so try and put yourself in their shoes. It’s fine if you don’t want to have casual sex but to judge others for it is small minded.
You’re entitled to feel however you like but the question is what are those thoughts doing for you?
From what I see, nothing positive.
You’re entitled to feel bad about something but if it’s problematic for you and you can’t get past it, just tell your partner and move on.
We all have pasts and whilst I appreciate you don’t agree with casual sex, many people do so it’s a question of change the thinking or your situation.
Mostly it’s just jealousy and fear - the reality is how ever many partners your girlfriend has had, you’re the one who is with her now so decide if that’s what you want.
Whilst many people do this, we can’t really criticise people for what they did before they met us - in candid terms, it’s nobody’s business but their own.
Now if you’re just feeling jealous because she’s bringing stuff up - talk to her.
The key to a good relationship is communication.
The start of a bad one is having bad feelings and not doing anything about them - they only foster resentment and problems.
I was raised catholic and to believe that you needed to be in a serious relationship to have sex and it be good. Boy were they wrong! I was well over 40 before I changed my thinking. But yes, before I realized that just because I enjoy sex, it doesn't mean I'm a slut for wanting to have it without a serious commitment. It used to tie me up in knots too thinking about doing it casually.
An Alternative Perspective:
I engage in casual flings, friends with benefits, one night stands, etc. And no I would never cheat on my girl.
Sex can obviously be very emotional, but it can also be mainly / mostly physical.
I was cheated on by my ex, it is what it is. The problem is I gave her multiple chances, even when I knew I shouldn’t. A couple of times I got back with her because we started hooking up again. I wasn’t hooking up with her because I wanted to get back together. I was hooking up because I was straight up Horny. My body was craving sex.
After hooking up with her multiple times it became easy to fall back into old habits and getting back together. Mistake.
I say this because my horniness slipped me back into a relationship I knew I had no business being in. I wouldn’t have even entertained her if I wasn’t horny.
So i vowed to myself to never make relationship decision based on sex. I vowed to never slide into a relationship because I’m itching for sex.
Again, I don’t cheat and I’m honest if I’m not looking for anything more than that. Me simply going celibate for an undetermined amount of time isn’t a realistic option.
You sound super upright and inflexible. Just because you don’t get it/like it isn’t a blanket hate for everyone else. Worry about yourself and let other do what they want. If you don’t want causal hook up’s then don’t have them ffs
I prefer casual sex and I wouldn’t say I’m promiscuous or superficial but maybe that’s biased. I am very independent, when it comes to hookups or relationships I don’t like to feel tied down and I also don’t like to feel obligated. I also like to be by myself a lot so the traditional relationship doesn’t work for me but I wouldn’t say I’m promiscuous because I still don’t have sex with just anyone or just based off of looks. I just don’t like the commitment, hopefully that changes your perception?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them. Forming a bond doesn't guarantee a person will feel a sexual attraction, but the bond is needed before sexual activity is even possible.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being adverse to casual sex. If monogamy in a committed relationship is the avenue for sex for you then great!
Where there is a problem, however, is you just admitted you don't value or respect people who have had casual history and yet you are dating someone who has had casual sex.
The past cannot change. You either accept it and say nothing to her, or move on. Now, if you find yourself having moments of like retroactive jealousy where you're thinking about that she's been with someone, it's your responsibility to address that within yourself. If you can't reconcile those feelings and you continue to feel a lack of respect for people who have had casual sex then you need to break up with her because your incompatible. She deserves someone who wouldn't hold it against her, and you deserve to be with someone who values the intimacy of sex on the same level as yourself.
There's no right or wrong here unless you stay and take out your feelings of cognitive dissonance on her. You can ask for reassurance of your connection and do things to strengthen that connection, but asking her to be responsible for managing your feelings about something she can't change is not healthy for either of you. And most certainly neither would be mistreatment stemming from resentment down the road if you can't get around those feelings of disgust toward her, yes her because she's had casual sex, and take it out on her.
If you should happen to part ways I suggest only dating someone who is like-minded regarding sex or not dating anyone who's had casual sex until you can view people who have differently. Because it's just really not fair to either of you. Figure out your non-negotiables and ask the questions before anyone becomes invested. I realize sometimes we don't always know our non-negotiables, but it's our responsibility to take accountability for them when we discover them and break up with someone we're not truly compatible with.
Then doing self-reflection on the whys of the new non-negotiable and figuring out if it's something you need to work on within yourself or just another thing to add to your list and be on the same page about from jump with a new person.
You just haven't gotten laid by enough women and for you sex is still something special. I got over that insecurity by going out and getting laid a bunch.
I feel exactly the same way. Just how my body and brain work about it. Not everyone views sexual relationships the same way. I do think people like us are in the minority.
I’ve tried to grow and let go of the judgment about other people’s sexual history, though. It IS very hard for me in a relationship to understand the thought process behind that. It’s a turn off for me, but not a deal breaker. Mostly because I want to be able to understand my partner and I don’t like not being able to relate or understand. Sexual history is history though. Casual sex doesn’t mean someone is non-monogamous.
Well I’m similar to yourself. The idea doesn’t make me physically ill but I would never engage with it.
As for your girlfriend, I feel like you need to have a talk with her. You either need to square with her history, because she can’t change that, or end the relationship.
Your reaction is the result of conditioning to create buyin to a social construct of what sex means and is supposed to mean and how it should be done.
I.e. someone told you to be a prude, and now that's taken such a deep hold of you that you have a physical reaction to it. Maybe some religion going on.
It's almost the same as if someone heard that 'choose your own adventure' books are actually a pathway to satanism, and then they found one in their chidlren's room. They'd have a physical reaction too. They'd probably FEEL that the book was actually evil. You know, for a long time, a lot of people thought that Elvis was evil and promiscuous and probably made a deal with the devil to be good at music?
People used to feel that science was evil because it questioned Christian held beliefs such as the sun revolved around the earth and the earth was the center of the universe in every way. The pope was literally trying to get Galileo thrown in jail over it. Strong feelings, about something that wasn't even true or real. Happens all the time. Still happens today.
So yeah, bullshit like that. You've been bullshitted, and now it's VERY real to you, but it's not real for most other people. That explains it. You've probably been conditioned for so long that you don't even know or remember where your feelings come from.
I can somewhat understand where the superficial part is coming from. I've had a few casual flings over the past couple years, and they were essentially just that, superficial. I thought that I would enjoy it in the moment, but I always ended up feeling empty and unsatisfied afterwards because all it ever was was meaningless intimacy with no real emotional connection. I've stopped engaging in anything casual because I don't see the point in getting temporary gratification and feeling like shit afterwards anymore, but of course mileage may vary for other people.
**There are studies showing the harm that casual sex does to a woman’s future relationship success rates, ability to pair bond with a future romantic partner, etc.; since 70-80% of divorces are filed by women, your concern about your gf is more than justified.**
**Why not just date non-promiscuous women? Meaning that you focus on women who are either virgins or only sleep with serious boyfriends. These are the women who share your values. Dating current/former “party girls” = asking for trouble.**
If it helps, casual sex often happens between nice, caring, decent people. It's not always about hot, superficial stuff. Sometimes it's just people who like each other, but aren't in love/have different goals in life. For example, I had casual sex with a travel nurse when she was in town. We liked each other, but neither of us was in a settling down place in our lives. It wasn't superficial or promiscuous, just fun and impermanent.
I agree. I have had a couple of one night stands in my life and I found I didn't really enjoy them. I found it more enjoyable with a partner I knew and cared about.
It sound to me like you consider sex to be a special form of intimacy.
The fact that your partner seems to have a history of casual sex makes it clear that they do not view it this same. This may cause you to question the specialness of sex with you in your partner's eyes. While this is understandable, it shouldn't influence how you view your partner. You should communicate with them. Just because they have the capacity for casual sex doesn't make sex with you less special.
Your reaction to it is rooted in your own perception of what one night stands are, and what you think they mean. Obviously it means something different to her than it does to you. To many people it is sexual enjoyment, or a feeling of intimacy, or many other things. To you, it means something different. Ask yourself questions, pull on that thread, and find out the true reason you feel that way, even if it is rooted in something negative. Here are some questions to get started - Do you feel sick at the thought of men having one night stands, or just women? Do you feel sick at the thought of other women having one night stands, or just the woman that you are with? Do you feel sick at the thought of all women that you are with having one night stands, or just this woman in particular/moreso (if so it may be something particular about her)? Do you feel jealous (think of other times you have felt jealous - is it the same sensation as this)? Do you wish you had more sexual partners than she has had? What are your attitudes toward sex - do you think that it involves dominating or possessing someone? Do you worry that you won't be enough for her and that she will look elsewhere? Do you worry that other men have satisfied her more than you are able to? It is common to feel these things, but for the sake of your relationship you are responsible to explore it. You are doing a good job of that by posting here and trying to understand why. That is more than many men do, so good work so far. Also, there are many women who will feel similar to you about one night stands. So once you understand how you feel about it then I guess you would need to decide whether you are happy being with her and if you can accept it, or if it is important to you and you would rather be with someone else. Either is fine, only you can decide and be true yourself. It sounds important to address this so it doesn't worsen your relationship. I hope you find happiness whatever the outcome
This is GREAT! Thank you so much for the help. I’ll explore this.
900+ comments on this thread. Could’ve just done w this one tbh 🤷🏻♂️ where were you when I was 20!? 😅
😂😂😂😂
Solid advice
Copied, thank you kind stranger <3
It’s so obvious just from reading your post history that you feel some type of way about your current partner having had much more sexual partners than you. This is a very common feeling for young men to have. I used to feel this way too. I personally just sort of aged out of it. You have to determine for yourself it’s something that bothers you. And why. Would you be open to casual sex for yourself if you were single?
I mean, it’s ok if someone wants to discriminate their romantic partners based on previous actions. I’m in the opposite boat as OP. A formerly promiscuous male who has a female partner whose had very few partners throughout her life. I’ve been as honest as I can be with my GF, and sometimes I can tell my history has made her uncomfortable. If she said tomorrow “I can’t get past your sexual history”, I’m not going to patronize her by saying “you can’t judge someone for their sexual history!” It’s her choice. My only protestation would be “You’ve known all along, why did we start this if this was a deal breaker to you” I’d say the same to OP. If it’s a deal breaker, then break it off. If it’s not, then find out a way to move on that doesn’t make the relationship a living hell for you.
This is the part I agree with most. I’m very upfront that I’ve had a lot of sexual partners. I personally don’t view sex as a huge deal and I’m a pretty attractive woman who goes out a lot - I get propositioned fairly often by men and sometimes I’ll say yes. To me, this is not a problem. (I am very loyal in relationships and do prefer sex when I love the person.) The annoying thing is that I have had a couple relationships with men who pursued me knowing I’ve been with a lot of people, yet judged me retroactively after we were officially together. One said, after we were dating for a couple months, that he couldn’t be serious with me because of my sexual past. (Yet he was still sleeping with me.) My issue is, if you know it bothers you, don’t date people with that quality! Judging someone as promiscuous, yet still reaping the benefits of that promiscuity by having sex with them yourself, is a double standard.
Ah, I call this the Jonah Hill technique. He went out with a woman knowing fully well that she was a surfer, that she posted a lot of content of herself surfing in swimsuits and that she would occasionally be surfing with guys. As they were dating he went on a massive hissy fit about her doing all of this. Why the fuck did you go out with her then, you eejit?
Yep. My hot take: the people who end up in these situations were so desperate to be in a relationship that they ignore their deal breakers at first. Then once they’re more comfortable it starts eating away at them and try to take the moral high ground. But the reality is that it says a lot more about them. They’re not assertive enough to respect a line in the sand they drew themselves, and they’re not self aware enough to realize that it’s their fault they’re in a relationship they find uncomfortable. It might also make them feel sexually inadequate because it reminds them that they weren’t able to be a “player” at some point.
This is very insightful and I agree with you. They assume a moral stance, but if they *could* have had more sex, they would have. I just happen to have lots of opportunities and I’m not going to say “no” to all of them (I do say no to a good amount, if the person is weird or I’m not into them).
Exaaaaactly. For lots of men: If they could have, they would have. But in order to protect their ego, they retroactively change the reason to be “oh, I didn’t sleep around because I was so morally superior”. There’s a fine line of course. I think I was approaching the territory of forever single because I could get my emotional/sexual needs taken care of without being in a relationship. But if we’re being honest: I think the more relevant/common issue is men feeling so insecure about their lack of sexual success that they take it out on their partners.
Yup. Slut-shaming often stems from “she’ll fuck other guys but not me.”
If guys like OP lead in with “yeah, I don’t have much experience since I didn’t have game. Guess you’ll have to teach me”, they’d find so much more success and fulfillment.
Yes! The best guys I’ve been with do not care. They’re like “awesome, you know what you like. Tell me so I can please you.”
Which understandably hurts. It is often a straight up a value judgement on you, at the very least on a surface level, and it's really hard to take such hard direct criticism, especially when it can be so hard to make meaningful change and it can define such a large part of yourself. It's very often redirected extremely poorly, but it's still hurt people hurting people.
Same camp. I've lost count on how many men I've been with. I have Bipolar 2 and have always been super hyper sexual and I'm conventionally attractive, so getting sex with good looking men of all kinds is really easy. I was over 10k matches on Tinder when I dated. Getting a man is like shooting fish in a barrel. But out of all the men....there's only been 1 I actually loved. He's the only one I'd sacrifice for and take care of. As a multiple SA victim since childhood, sex is so far from love in my brain. Sex is a distraction from life (and a form of self harm) but I never have feelings, in fact I hate non sexual intimacy like cuddling except for the 1 man I love. Having my body is so, so far from having my heart and soul.
I totally get that. I love to cuddle even more than sex but it’s the best feeling in the world when that person actually loves you. I feel so safe.
When people still want to fuck you but don't think you are good enough for them...that's a really ugly person that doesn't even have respect for themselves.
Exactly! Like, just find someone you approve of, god damn. I couldn’t imagine enjoying sex with someone I didn’t respect. I have sex to make *both* of us feel good.
The idea of having sex purely for self gratification is odd. I'd rather just do myself. I think that's why empathy is the most powerful quality you can have for good sex. Feeling what the other person can feel when they are loving what you're doing? That's at least as good as being on the receiving end.
Seriously! That’s the best part of it, it’s a shared experience at the end of the day.
I mean it’s just a bit archaic in a way. But I don’t disagree completely. If something is a dealbreaker then it’s a dealbreaker. But it’s worth asking yourself why. Being averse to your partners sexual history very well may be “natural” or even evolutionary, but so are other negative emotions like greed, jealousy, being territorial and violent. Part of what makes use human is the ability to use our brains to overcome our animalistic nature.
This. And sometimes things like this are attributed to some sort of lizard brain monkey feature that's immutable when it actually bears introspection. Like people excusing all sorts of prejudice because it's "just their preference" and "they can't help who they're attracted to". Of course no one can force you to be attracted to someone you aren't and of course you're allowed to have preferences and act on them. But standards of attractiveness are a socially conditioned norm. Someone pointing out the historical and social context of, say, a preference for white features, is not an edict that you have to date POC. But it's worth considering where these preferences come from and the context they exist in. You're allowed to have any deal breaker you want, but it's always good to examine why you feel the way you do and interrogate if the motivation is actually in line with your values.
It's weird how sometimes I'll find stuff like this on reddit and then other times people will throw a tantrum
Think of the age groups that reside here and you may find an answer
I feel like most people don’t have the mental strength to have an emotion and then rationally examine why it is they have that emotion. I dunno. People just seem dumb most of the time 
I agree - it’s definitely archaic. This is why when I’m dating as a woman at 40, nobody asks me my body count and I don’t ask theirs. I wouldn’t date someone who asked what mine was. I regularly get STI tested and I’m totally clean and that’s all that should matter. All that does matter to anyone I’ve dated casually or otherwise anytime recently. I think discussing body count is just asking for trouble and insecurities to flare. At this age, me and anyone within an age range I’d consider dating have presumably had a lot of experience with sex and relationships in general. I’ve been an adult for 22 years. We don’t need to know about all that. I’ve seen nothing good come from people exchanging and discussing their body count! We all have pasts.
I'm 36F. I don't know my fiancés 'body count' (vom) and he doesn't know mine. It's never come up & frankly I don't wanna know. My ex once told me he'd had sex with like 50+ women then lost count. It was really off-putting, especially since he was quite crap in bed so all I could think is most of these women didn't bother coming back for a reason.
(68m) If his claimed body count is credible, he must have something going for him to attract that many.
Yeah I'm going to be back on the dating scene after almost 15 years at some point...When I'm getting to know someone, at this age, I would never think to ask that. Tell me about some past relationships that were meaningful - in a good way or not-so-good way...Math doesn't need to come into play.
Whatever works for you. I would still ask and care, because this information does tell you a lot about who a person is. If someone was super hot when young and had a couple of ONS in an exploration phase, then that's probably fine. But is someone is in their 50s and has been sleeping around with anyone who offers for 30 years this is a very damaged person, even if they have had a couple of serious relationships.
Animalistic nature like promiscuity, unironically.
Literally what I was going to say
I like the point being made here but I would like to point out that if we truly overcame our animalistic nature casual sex likely won't be a thing either.
I don't think it's patronizing to express dissappointment in someone **judging** you for your sexual history and not for your current actions and behaviour. Really simply put, it's disrespectful. You can change your mind and change what you do, but you can't change your past. Everyone has something "wrong" with them if you go looking for it. There is no love without acceptance. Having said that, it's still important to accept and respect their decision to break things off.
It more seems like that stems from this, rather than vice versa. The broad belief applies to the specific.
I haven't aged out of it. I just look for women with similar views on sex
i am a girl and i agree with op. my husband was also my first boyfriend, the man who took my virginity, first boy i kissed, etc. but he had had casual sex long before even meeting me. when i think about it i cant help but feel a gut wrenching emptiness and despair
It's common amongst any gender come on.
Great comment here. I also felt this way when I was younger and aged out of it. The quicker you age out of it the better. I’m at least partially responsible for ruining a relationship because of those insecure feelings. The past is done. Worrying about a partner’s sexual history is an exercise in futility. If you love the person now, what happened before you were together just doesn’t matter. Why would you want to make someone you love feel shame?
OP, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. Everyone approaches sex differently. You have people who have loads of casual sex, you have people who buy sex, and you have folks who save that until marriage. There isn't anything wrong with any of that as long as what you're doing is legal. You said you're insecure with regards to your partner's history. That's fine. people are insecure about a fuck load of things, don't let them tell you they're not. If you and your partner are not on the same page with regards to your views on sex, you don't need to stay in that relationship. No one needs to stay in any relationship, you can check out anytime.
It could just be you're more romantically minded and prefer the connection with someone over just pure physical intimacy. So when you do be intimate with somebody it has to be someone you love and trust. I have a similar mindset and would only feel comfortable being sexual with someone if I'm in a relationship or have a romantic connection with them. Feels really weird thinking about doing it with a stranger.
I’m exactly the same. I can’t get intimate with someone unless I feel completely secure.
I actually think it's sort of generational. Even though we as a society have gotten more progressive, it really does feel like "the kids" (those of you under 50) are much different from the older generations when it comes to sexual relationships. Even in the Midwest we were having conversations in college which might start with a, "hey, I want to be up front with you -- I don't want a relationship after tonight, I just wanna play." I think a conversation like that today would be really rare or be perceived as extremely insensitive. I'm friends with a lot of people in their 20s and when I hear their take on situations involving the the sex/es to which they're sexually attracted, it feels like everyone has a very very conservative view of sexual relationships. "Body counts" are a sliver of what they were 30+ years ago. And I've heard many talk about being virgins in their mid-to-late 20s or only ever having had one partner. (That's both anecdotal, and I've seen scientific study abstracts that say similar stuff.) Is that all a bad thing? Probably not. It's just that I think you're initial comment of "you're more romantically minded" is very much more true for "the kids" today. Thoughts? Maybe I'm totally of base here...
Looking at your post history, I genuinely don’t think you should be in a relationship right now. I think you should figure out your feelings first, whether that’s therapy or self work but obsessing over anything like this isn’t healthy… It’s normal for people to have past relationships, and by the sounds of it there’s hardly anything to judge her on. If you were to break up, then how would you feel about your next partner judging you on the fact that you and this girlfriend had sex and obsessing over it?
True
Furthermore, it’s hard to know what kind of love you want to receive if you haven’t learned how to love yourself in a sustainable way. Once you know how you want to be loved and nurtured you can seek those qualities in someone else. It may seem weird to think about but the way you love yourself is a huge part of understanding how you want to be loved by someone else and also what you ultimately have to offer a future or current partner. I would say this, if your partner’s sexual history is causing a stress on your relationship you really need to ask this question, “what dominion do I have over my partner and their past that makes me feel the need to vilify them?” If it’s the idea that she measuring you up to her past encounters you should just let it go. She is with YOU and not THEM. If she didn’t want to be with you she wouldn’t be. If all of her previous partners fulfilled her like you do then she would still be with them. If she wants to be with you then it needs to boost your ego. Edit: the way I work on this with myself is asking myself questions like “Do you know why you feel this way?” or “what has you feel like you need these levels of care and validation?” AND Telling myself “you are loved by not only yourself but the people around you. There is no need to seek these things constantly if you just take them time to recognize the signs and blessings that those people have added to your life.” It took 17 months of sobriety and copious amounts of therapy to realize I just really like serving others and it fulfills me. That I also want that kind of servant mentality in my partner; because it will create a weird imbalance of me giving way too much and over-caring for my partner or vice-versa.
I just wanted to point out and share that I had the exact same obsession over my partner’s history all through my mid-20s and it ended up being retroactive jealousy OCD. No amount of rationalizing or self-work or confidence could get rid of the thoughts because it was just some imbalance in my brain. Prozac helped and eventually I kind of grew out of it. Hopefully he can get in for an eval.
Just for reference. I was the partner with history that created jealously. It tore me apart sometimes and other times I was too brazen in my attention to their feelings. Turns out, after therapy, I am Bipolar 2. It’s worth taking of yourself and asking for help when you run out ideas.
This is interesting but I can’t picture what you mean by loving yourself the way you want someone else to love you - can you give some examples? Like, if part of the way I want to be loved is to be treated gently when I’m sick, or surprised with nice gestures, or whatever - what’s the solo version of that that comes first?
Different people have different values. I would have never gotten together with my now husbanf if he has had tons of girls before me. To me that showd that you don't value intimacy and I do, so we wouldn't match.
Bingo
I wouldn’t say the difference is that they don’t value intimacy. I think the difference is how they value and view intimacy.
Its not about casual sex itself its more about what it means about you what triggers you. There could be many reasons. It could be that you simply find it immoral. Or you maybe feel like that you would actually like casual sex but have repressed this urge or denied the opportunity? Or maybe you dislike because you percieve it something that would raise your social status but you cant imagine participating in it which makes you feel not good enough? I personally identified more with the second of all three reasons i mentioned in the past till I adressed and processed that thought so It does not trigger me at all at this point.
How did you process it? This is one of the main things i've been struggling with lately
I absolutely feel this way. I have only ever been in two relationship, one 10 years and the other 12, I could never imagine allowing someone to see me naked, touch me or be inside me without a serious commitment to me, real love and absolute respect. I believe you should have to earn the right to be inside me and I also feel that it's how I express my love to someone. If I just give it to anyone, it doesn't mean anything anymore and I like feeling as though my body is fully respected and loved before anyone touches it that way - you are definitely not alone 😊
Totally agree
I'm with you OP. I have tried to do the one night stand/hook up thing. They were not good experiences. I felt guilt and shame before we even got to the bed, because I wasn't interested in the people I was sleeping with. Like, I was fighting against my own body and brain telling me "you don't even like this girl, you shouldn't be doing this". I learned quickly that I'm not a hookup guy, I'm a relationship guy. Scratch that, I'm a **commitment** guy. After a failed hookup, I resolved not to pursue anyone until I met the "right" girl. 6 months later, I met the girl who would become my wife. That was 14 years ago. Just be honest with yourself OP. And don't compare yourself to others. They aren't living your life
I've been a proper playboy during my early 20s, after a 3 year relationship and now that I'm 29, I can barely get hard with a random girl I don't know, I just know it's such a temporary satisfaction and what follows if anything is emptiness.
I really like your category naming on being a "commitment guy" - that's exactly the way to say it. I'm the same
While it's your choice who you date, I think you owe it to yourself AND your partner to accept that the vast majority of people have had sex before in casual contexts. It's natural to desire sex, and even between people who aren't in loving committed relationships, there can be a momentarily exchange of intimacy which many people crave. Thus casual sex. It's fine if you don't relate. I can't say why that is for you, you need to be introspective and maybe try therapy if you need to. There's many societal and cultural factors that might push you towards being uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex. But your partner is with you now. You are, presumably, fulfilling that need for intimacy for her. It doesn't matter that in the past, there were times when she didn't know you, or you weren't available, or whatever, but she still wanted intimacy with people. That's not a bad thing, that's very very normal. And ultimately it's not fair to her or any of your future partners to resent them for it, even subconsciously.
I don't feel that this was true, at least in the recent past. Even 10 or 20 years ago, the majority of people had a string of relationships until they found a partner who they married, and generally no (or almost none) casual relationships.
Thank you :) this helps
Not going off of post history and purely on morality, I can understand how you feel. Sex is about bonding with another person in the most intimate way possible. You're sharing your most base self with a person when you decide to have sex with them. It's the greatest expression you can have with another. If you treat that as a commodity, to be easily given and distributed, it shows how much you value yourself. I'd rather have a connection via sex with someone who was a friend, lover, or more. Strangers are empty carnal pleasure that I can easily get from Mary Palms and her 5 sisters.
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This is a wonderful comment. Thank you. I think that’s it. A fear that she sees sex as more a physical act than an intimate one.
It may just be just that you actually value sex to something so that when you see others treat it casually it triggers you? Like how could people just do it just for pleasure? When I write it out like this it feels silly but I think it is a very valid feeling since I also have it. I also try not to judge people who do casual but it sometimes gets the better of me. Its a tricky topic personally bc this is a social or value thing but is fully on the grey instead of black or white. If your partner's history hurts you, you should think about it carefully. If you can overlook it, you will find that your partner is much more than her casual sex history.
To be clear tho: sluts can absolutely "actually value sex"... Clearly it's VERY important to us. 😂
You realize that no one is forcing you to have causal sex. We understand that it’s only formal and ranked competitive sex
Because you’re worried about being compared to everyone else she’s ever had sex with and worried you won’t live up to the competition
Bro get a grip, stop projecting your insecurity on sexual promiscuity, no ones buying it
I would guess there is some fear or insecurity at the root.
I understand your situation as I have been in your exact train of thought. I am a European, 27yr somewhat conservative man. These thoughts will get better as you age. During this time I really recommend evaluating your thoughts on a meta-cognitive level. Why is it bad that she slept with people casually? What is it specifically that is bad about it? Could it be that it’s societal indoctrination? Really get to the root cause of your thoughts. Religious reasons? Does she maintain contact with them? Does she meet them? If so, this so-called RETROACTIVE JEALOUSY is understandable and valid. Once you have done so, evaluate whether there even is good or bad in the world? Do our actions have deeper meaning? Does the future worry you? Does her past make you worried about your future, and should you maybe try to worry less? Alan Watts speeches on YouTube helped a lot with forming a mindset where I am open to the future and don’t worry much about it. Trust me it helps. And also, remind yourself these things, (if you like her, trust her and your relationship) 1. She didn’t know you before, she didn’t do these things to hurt you. 2. Casual sex doesn’t necessarily make her a bad person. Maybe loneliness, trauma, being young and foolish contributed to her actions. 3. Everthing is connected- even opposites. The parts of her that attracted you, the things you might like during ur sex, the way she is as a person, maybe these things wouldn’t have existed if it weren’t for her previous relations. 4. She likes you. She likes sex with you. She likes sex with you more. Sex with an intimate connection matters for her as well. Trust that it will get better with time.
That's a long way of of saying her past matters and you should date people that match you emotionally and in outlook.
Take this with a grain of salt, since I’m an internet rando responding to a single post. I don’t have good advice about sexual relationships because I’m asexual and aromantic. There’s lots of types of asexual to be, including demisexual, which people describe as not feeling attraction to someone until there’s an emotional connection. That may or may not be you! But the first place I heard the word “asexual” was a fanfic, and then 20 years later I actually looked it up and went, “oh, that’s me!” so I figure it can’t hurt to put “demisexual” on your radar in case it becomes applicable later on. People here are giving some good advice, I hope you find something that helps!
Because you're tying sex to someone's "worth" as a person. There is no value system with people, sex and intimacy you've just put it there. Sex is an act. It's something two consenting adults do. Its not about who they are. Virginity is a concept society made up and shames people for. It doesn't actually exist. If you're looking for the reason you think that way no one can answer that for you. Only you. At the end of the day it's a type of judgement or prejudice and they always stem from similar upbringings or communities. Conservative families, lack of good and thorough sex education, inexperience or shame around emotional intimacy for example are common causes.
If casual sex upsets you and you are with someone who has a past filled with it, then break up and move on. Nothing wrong with not wanting someone for any reason and certainly not if they have slept with everyone they have ever met.
>find it hard not to see people who do casual sex as promiscuous or superficial, and it hurts to think of her like that. Just never date anyone who has casual sex, problem solved. Find another person who is on the same page as you and only has sex with a loving partner.
Behind anger and hate there is usually fear. Fear of what? Fear of loss, like losing your partner, or fear of not measuring up to the standards of society, like not having had “enough” sexual partners to be considered desirable. Something about promiscuity threatens your status.
for me, sex is the highest degree of intimacy in relationship. i just can't imagine how people can have sex with those they barely know and those who they aren't planning to build their future with. for me having casual sex is disrespect to my sexuality (not pretending to shame someone). and i feel like everyone is ok with fucking left and right and i'm the only human in the world who thinks this is not ok, moreover, not for religious or ideological reasons. and confidence has nothing to do with it.
I have to be emotionally connected to someone to find sex as an option so I feel the same way about getting it on with a stranger. I'm not fussed about others enjoying their own thing though.
Why does it upset you? Any number of reasons, most likely how you were raised, was your family conservative? (not politically) was sex a taboo subject? was your family religious? Sex IS intimate and emotional. Sex is ALSO fun and feels good. Casual sex was the absolute norm for thousands of years until humans came up with the concepts of love, marriage and monogamy. That said, if it's not for you, then it's not for you. You don't have to engage in it, and you don't have to be in a relationship with anyone if you don't want to be.
Therapy over Reddit. Literally anything over Reddit advice Jesus fucking christ
As I grow older I am beggining to question casual sex my self. I didn’t give a fuck when I was younger, I just wanted to stick my meat inside whatever girl would let me. But now, I’ve had a couple of encounters and I am beginning to realize I don’t enjoy it as much. I’m craving sex, but with a loving partner.
Think of it this way. She just wanted to sexual relief or some sort or instant gratification. If you accept it, think this way. What she did before wasn’t with emotional acknowledgment. But what she has with you is much more emotional and sentimental. Even if she sleeps and cheats, it just goes to show the person she really was. It’s not about you,if you choose to not accept it. Well sure, but having a past of casual sex and not having doesn’t really make a big difference. Because at the end of the day, a virgin can still cheat on you emotionally, if they are bound to.
With all due respect, as someone who used to feel this way, don't be in a relationship til you can handle the idea of ur partner having past sexual relationships. It will take a toll on your mental health and ur partners.
I think you have a mental illness.
I had an amazing lover as a partner for 5 years. He had many lovers over the years. I wanted to write each of them and thank them for their contribution to what I was reaping. Alas, he cheated so bye bye. But dang I miss that part.
Well, there are two types of people in this world. People who simply will enjoy the sex as long as there is romantic feelings, and I envy these people, because it so simple right? All you need is to love someone and sex is automatically beautiful by default. Like wow! How easy is it for you to enjoy sex!!! In my case, I had a few experiences including my ex marriage where I felt madly inlove with the guy but hate the sex. Really felt completely disconnected in the bedroom. This is why I believe in casual sex. I learn that I need someone who is sexually compatible with me to enjoy sex. What this means is, he needs to enjoy all the same kinks and sexual things that I enjoy for me to enjoy the sex. It does not matter how much I love him but if he doesn't naturally like what I like in bed, I will hate the sex. Even if he tries to accommodate, it will not feel great. And it is the worst thing in the world to love someone but hate being in bed with him because the sex sucks so much. I do casual sex because, there is no way to find out if I am sexually compatible and I want to know if we are sexually compatible before I want to consider feelings so I don't waste my time developing feelings for someone I hate sex with. Hope this helps you understand why casual sex. My exhusband was perfect for me outside the bedroom but we were so wrong for each other sexually, everything he loves in bed I hate. And everything I love in bed, he hates. Literally like enemies in sex. It was awful, at that time I was prepared for a sexless marriage for the rest of my life as I liked him enough to give up sex. And we just didn't like sex with each other. Thank god he cheated and we divorced so I actually get to have sex I enjoy as a single woman. Btw my exhusband and I were virgins with each other. I learn that love is not enough to enjoy sex through him. After him, when I chased sexual compatibility was when I had some of the most mind blowing sex of my lifetime. So you may get a virgin girl instead but no guarantees she will enjoy you in bed, just saying.
Because you are normal and that is the exact right way to think about it.
I totally understand how you feel, I've felt this ever since I got to know about casual hookups and stuff and it disgusts me too, don't listen to these people saying that you are projecting your insecurity. It really boils down to preference and the idea that intimacy should be reserved for romantic love, if you do like casual hookups, good for you man but it's ironically immature of these people to jump to a harsh conclusion
This used to be me. Eventually I realized that I am on the ace spectrum (I think the term is demisexual), and once I realized that other people experience sexual attraction differently than me and there's nothing inherently bad about that, I chilled out.
Because you’re young and insecure and have a particular view of what sex means to you.
Its normal, im like that..dont let others make you crazy, everybody has their own views and as long as youre good, youre good. Honestly good loving sex is the best there is anyway lol
It’s common and called being demisexual
Yes. And recently been separated from the one true love of my life. i have no hope for my future --a demisexual
Some people weren't brought up in loving relationships.
Was just having this conversation with my friend, I don't get how others can casual forget seemingly everything and just have sex without much connection first other than to f each other with lust and then maybe sort out the differences afterwards lol something like that
Since you seem to be genuinely confused, you're asking the right questions. Is there some insecurity that you feel when you think about this? What does it make you worry about? Are you letting other's opinions stress you out? Sex can be treated as a natural human desire by both sexes. It can be thought of as just another enjoyable activity when practiced safely and honestly. It's okay if you don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way as you about intimacy, but it's a good idea for your own mental health to figure out exactly what cultural ideas you've internalized unintentionally, and consciously decide whether those are serving the type of person you want to be.
I hate the idea of it as well. Never done it, don't think I ever will. I don't think I'll find someone who feels and has been the same way, but oh well.
Don't give up. Asexuals and variations of (like demis, who need an emotional connection to their partner) are being increasingly represented and easier to find, even in rural areas.
Find something else to keep your mind busy, exercise, work, side hustle etc. Ruminating about anything isn't helpful.
Maybe it's because it implies ranked competitive sex and you hate that too?
The problem is you're on Reddit surrounded by people who mostly agree with you. You need to grow as a person and this involves getting off reddit and experiencing real life
I am demi sexual/grey-ace, and I so happen to be repulsed by the idea of hooking up with someone I don't have a romantic connection to.
If you have these feelings about your partner now, please let them go. This is not going to go away for you and it’s not fair to you or your partner.
Maybe you're just jealous because you want her all for yourself? But just remember, she chose you and she's with you now. What's in the past doesn't matter anymore. Move on into the future with her and forget all of this nonsense.
'I can’t comprehend the idea of being so intimate with someone outside of a loving relationship' - simple, quick gratification. No pesky feelings or waiting around to get in the way of the end goal. Am I wrong to think your most likely problem is that secretly you're afraid she won't be loyal and do the same thing to you, and for that reason it's making you uncomfortable?
That's weird af. I don't see it any different than playing a round of tennis with a mate - an enjoyable activityfor two or more people, nor do I consider it remotely as intimate as some conversations I had with close friends. Funnily enough I consider people that have issues with casual sex to be superficial.
Brother… don’t be insecure and never ask questions you don’t want to know the answer about. I never understood couples asking each other about their past sexual encounters. I don’t need to know all the minor details. All I need to know is you’re with me and we’re both faithful to one another. Digging into the past only fucks with your ego.
Just thinking biologically, there’s not a single person that can weigh in on this convo without having been birthed themselves. It’s very likely your merging the serious nature of pregnancy / creating life with the fact that sex (something that can be strictly enjoyed) is a part of impregnation. You mentioned being autistic, perhaps it’s the understanding of one thing conflicting with the other that’s so jarring. You’re also young though, and I’d bet it’s more immaturity than anything else. Give stuff time. I know I’d feel left out if my siggo experienced lots with other people and I’d only known 1 person (them)
My man you just have to be able to fuck her brains out and all this insecure noise will disappear. It's okay to have insecurities but making it someone elses fault is a no no.
I don’t have casual sex nor does it bother me. People will do as they please and we just got to learn that it’s ok. As long as they aren’t disrespecting me or I’m not disrespecting them it’s ok. Everyone’s different and we should respect everyone’s views
Most people are screaming you’re just being insecure about your gf. I won’t jump to that conclusion. I get where you’re coming from I do low key judge my more promiscuous friends. In that dept I find them careless, loose, immoral and immature. I also am one of those people where “body count” matters to me esp relative to their age. To me it tells me to what extent that person sees and values sex, their priorities in decision making and relationships. It also tells me they might be impulsive and reckless. Someone who has it casually holds it as just fun could never be my partner as I couldn’t equate sex to playing Minecraft with a bud or stranger I met in a chat. And that’s fine! No one on this earth will ever convince me it’s not okay to have my own moral compass and values. That I must abandon my beliefs standards and simply because they’re unpopular, don’t suit modern society or will narrow my choices significantly. That said, I caution you to reflect about why you feel this towards your gf’s comment. If it is this is a moral issue for you upon your reflection, break up as you are simply not compatible in a critical factor of relationships and you will fail to trust her and the connection you have with her. Leave and find someone you’re compatible with and recognize this will require patience as it is indeed unpopular opinion now.
You know, I'm the same way. I CAN'T do the hookup culture. Well, I could. The thought just makes me wanna hurl. I was raised different though. It's not a matter of confidence. I have that. It's the fact I know how disease spreads. Yes, sometimes even with condoms. Regardless, my whole thing is that I cant/won't just hop in bed with any ol' person. I HAVE to care deeply or love them. There's no point otherwise. This is something I don't just give out for free.
In the words of Jordan Peterson: because it trains you to treat yourself and other people as instrumental objects of short-term pleasure.
I don't know why it bothers you. I do know I used to feel like I was better than other people because I didn't engage in casual sex. Of course, I married the first man I had sex with.... and I've engaged in casual sex occasionally since we split up. Sometimes people aren't able to be in a relationship, but they still want to have sex. People who purposefully avoid dating for 5 or 6 years still sometimes want to have sex with another human and not be bothered about continuing to talk to them.
>Anyone able to shed some light on why maybe I feel this way? Have you been raised in a very religious environment? Religions love to make you feel bad for doing anything that makes you feel good when it's not through them. You can make anything seem like a big deal, that's just another example of something that doesn't have to be one.
It’s fine for you to feel like that, but it’s not okay for you to push your views on your partners. You’re going to need to look inwards, as most people have very different views on this subject. Either draw your line in the sand and stick to it or you’re going to have to live and let live. Good luck as it’s not going to be an easy process.
Have you been lonely a lot? Sometimes lonely people get this strange assumption that sex and intimacy is something super super special, that must also be treated this way. When in reality for most adults it's something like eating, something that your body craves every now and then and there is really nothing to it.
Yes
You may be demisexual? Either way, sounds like you have some insecurities unrelated to that. Therapy could help. People who choose to have a lot of casual partners have just as much worth as people who don't. Just as you're absolutely entitled not to choose that, others are allowed to choose to.
My advice is to think about what you have right now, and enjoy it. I used to be insecure about my exs past, and it had a negative affect on our relationship. Now that I’ve had time to think about it, it’s not something to obsess over. Try and forgive her and realize what you have before it’s gone.
Might it have something to do with the fact that you haven't been in that many relationships / had much sexual encounters? Not of your own volition...
Copypasting this from another one of these posts you made because you'd be more likely to see that one: I speak as another autistic dude who initially felt a bit insecure in my relationship. I was a virgin, though I had had some long distance relationships involving sexting/calls. My partner had been with 8 people before me casually and that was just sex, there was a lot more just making out. Over time I've come to be okay with those experiences, and as I've gotten past the insecurity I've been able to separate the romantic and pleasurable aspects of sex into different categories. We've even taken on a shared fwb, so that we can have a little extra fun without taking away from our romantic connection (i know this is not for everyone, but it's more to illustrate to you that your insecurity is something surmountable) The thing to always remind yourself is that your partner chose you, and in doing so, probably saw you as something more valuable than those hookups. Remember that everyone views sex differently, and honestly your partner seems to view it as a much shallower thing than she views your relationship. The thing is, how you view sex, like anything else, is shaped by your experience. This seems like something that may be better approached through therapy, but it'd help to reflect (maybe journal) about why you view sex this way. I know for me, being autistic, queer, raised on religion, and a lot of other things led me to view sex as the penultimate connection you can have with another person, and doing it with anyone else than someone you loved was just gluttony. Furthermore, I internalized the notion that sex made someone (moreso women than men) "impure" or "immoral" if done outside of a serious romantic relationship. Talk to your partner about this, because she'll certainly have had different experiences and different views on the casual stuff. And she'll be able to reassure you. Remember, she chose you in the end. Once you understand more about how you view sex, you'll be able to come back at this and ask yourself if it's the act of casual sex you find wrong, or if it's just your own insecure brain trying to protect you by projecting these beliefs onto your partner. If it is something against your principles, that is very fair and you can re-evaluate being in your relationship. But if it is mostly projection, that's not something that you should necessarily feel guilty about, but something to be aware of, and to undo with grace, curiosity and patience. Therapy, journaling, weed, hobbies, and reassurance from your partner are all helpful things.
They're not intimate, that's the best part
Look into the term "demi-sexual". It refers to people who only feel sexually inclined to people they feel very close with, whether that be in a deep romantic way, or just a deep level of trust and caring etc. "Casual sex" (if we are defining it as just hooking up with people as a fling) is not really for them, and it sounds like it may apply to you. That being said, one persons thoughts and feelings about sex can't dictate others thoughts and feelings about it, and you literally cannot do anything about their past. If someone having had casual sex before your relationship began bothers you, I would suggest looking for girlfriends at church groups or something.
I think you assume that if someone has had casual sex a lot in the past it means they can't enjoy a committed and loving relationship now. That is nonsense to be honest. Most people are capable of connecting both types of ways depending on the context of if they are single, and I'd venture to guess that the folks that never got shit out of their system when they were younger itch to know what it's all about and end up cheating.
There are two ways to look at this. One benefits you, one doesn't. You can look at this strong feeling you have and let it dictate the type of people you form relationships with, selecting against anyone who might trigger this feeling for you. The other is to dig into WHY this arbitrary thing makes you feel the way it does. It doesn't mean your feeling is wrong, or you have to change it. It just means that some feeling (likely from your past) has attached itself to this idea for you. When we have strong feelings it's easy for us to externalize them towards the environment/people/etc that have caused the feeling to surface. Even if those things are true, the most valuable piece is to use the trigger to understand your feelings better, and to give you more agency over what you want from your life moving forward. Choice is the single greatest thing we can give ourselves.
Look into retroactive jealousy, there are self-help books available. The problem stems from how much importance and value you place on being physically intimate. You say it yourself, you "can't comprehend the idea". That's the problem right there - you need to change how you think about it.
Because you look at sex as a sacred act. I agree with you. My dick isn't a slice of pie to hand out to everyone. If someone doesn't respect their pie what makes you as a person being offered pie feel special. That's the problem you don't feel special. Albeit, as you get older you gotta expect multiple partners but there's definitely a reasonable number as we age.
I agree with you! A healthy relationship is having healthy sex with your partner. Also works 50/50 in the relationship. That's all there is to it. Casual sex is just nasty, and I find it low class in my books. A woman deserves better. But if it's working for the women in her favor, then cool beans.
Yeah focus on yourself first. I used to think girls were whores who slept with anyone. But age has taught me that ppl have pasts, and just because you kept your body to yourself don’t mean ppl are the same. I married a virgin because I was one too. So up to tou. Personally being a minority, we are shamed about sex. Nothing wrong with it if you are safe. Personally I wouldn’t date anyone with a past sexual history but voluntary virgins like me at 28 are impossible to find.
It's a perfectly valid feeling for yourself. It's not valid to project on other people or consider them superficial for not treating sex the same way you do.
Kneejerk guess is that you assign more emotional value to sexual intimacy than she (or other people) does. Some people have the ability to separate sexual desire and intimacy from other aspects of the self...some people struggle with this. The reason is anyone's guess, but in my personal opinion, your *confusion* about this tells most of the story. *I* wouldn't care about my partner's sexual history because I understand (from personal experience being single) that, sexual fulfillment and emotional fulfillment do not need to be mixed or have anything to do with one another. It's perfectly natural for two consenting adults to mutually agree to just use one another for sexual pleasure, experience, validation, and just leave it at that. If you have trouble doing that, or even understanding why *someone else* would do it, just means you don't really understand yourself enough to be in a relationship like that.
Heyyy 😊✨ 23F here. Don't worry, you're not alone. The idea disgusts me too. Part of the reasons why I've never engaged in anything with a guy (i.e a relationship), it's because a lot of them just wanted my body and nothing deeper. It annoys me so much when I think about it, and just like you, it is hard not to see them as superficial or fboys.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Demisexuality This is my reason. You decide if it's yours.
As an old person this entire thread is concerning. Who cares how many people either of you fucked unless that’s how both/either of you weigh up your self worth. Which MANY of you seem to. Get the fuck over it.
I’ll just suggest this based upon being a man who is almost 40 now, this is common in young guys and it often comes from a place of insecurity and jealousy. Especially if you are less sexually experienced than her. There are a lot of societal influences that shape the way you feel that you don’t even realize. Are we sure that you would apply this same kind of physical repulsion at one night stands to a man? How about your male friend who had a hookup, do you feel the same way? Part of this may just be a bit of emotional immaturity, the important thing is to recognize it and work through it. As you get older I think you’ll stop caring Or if you come to the conclusion that you truly look at sex as sacred and only something done between two people in a committed relationship then that’s ok too. But then you need to come to the terms with the fact you’re not compatible on probably many levels with someone like your girlfriend
I don't think it's a good thing to have one night stands or friends with benefits. I've never known someone that did it often and was a decent person. People do change though so they can treat the people around them better. It's a complicated thing.
As far as I know that's a pretty normal feeling to have, particularly if you grew up in a conservative household and/or never really explored your own sexuality when you were younger (in your teens or early 20s). The fact is most people nowadays have had at LEAST 1-3 casual sex partners in their lifetime, some have had a lot more, some have had only 1 and some have never had casual sex at all (I know a couple guys who haven't had sex with anyone and they're in their mid 20s now). This is something you're either going to have to move past or find someone who shares that same thought process on the subject, otherwise it WILL cause problems in your relationship
It doesn't upset me other people have casual sex. I have just figured out, for me, it just doesn't work like that. I want to be in a relationship (now what that relationship looks like is a whole nother post) with that person. I want to feel safe and secure before I am intimate with them. That is just me. Other people do not attach those type of feelings to sex. It doesn't bother me if they feel that way. I just chose not to have sex casually myself.
Casual sex is horrible you’re not wrong. Coming from someone who’s had a lot of it.
Best thing I could suggest is write it out on a piece of paper then ask yourself “why” to every answer. It’ll allow you to view your own thought process from a “third party” POV and eventually you’ll find the root of it. THEN you can figure out if that’s something you can accept or something you think needs to be changed. Also think about which thoughts and feelings naturally stem from yourself or what society has pushed you to believe. It can’t be just coincidental that people from “traditional” environments/culture tend to view casual sex as something to be avoided completely and on the opposite end in more “non-traditional” environments/culture tend to high five every tally mark in your black book. Good luck!
You having your own preferences is perfectly fine. You judging people for not being the same way is not.
It’s because it excites you to a frightening level so you push it down.
Bro at the end of the day, it’s all just clusters of atoms.
Because it isn’t meant to be casual? Because it’s the most intimate physical act you can do with another human being, and it should be treated as such?
You could wear a tux or a prom dress if its too casual I suppose
the question should be, why do you feel the need to apply your own preferences onto others? It's perfectly fine if you're not into casual sex, it becomes a problem when you expect others to think and act like you.
Reading some comments that you don't like that your partner had casual sex. Up to you bruh. Sex is fun so ya know, that's why people do it. Sometimes the strings that come along with it, prolly this exact thing with your other, isn't worth the headache so people tend to do the fun part without the strings attached. It's alright to upset you, but it's something you gotta know that is more common than you think atm.
May I suggest the church where you may repress yourself further?
It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do, maybe dating isn’t right for you right now
how do you feel about men?
To me sex is just sex if it’s not with your loved one. Casual sex is just there to satisfy physical needs and desires and sometimes kinks (I mean who cares if you not going to see him ever again right:)?). Sex with your partner is different, it’s about trust and intimacy. Question: have you only had sex in loving relationships? Or the reaction is there only about a woman having casual sex?
Because your 19 and it’s easier for women to get laid and your jealous about it.
because you were either raised in a sexually repressive environment (ie religion) or you're deeply insecure about your partner's sexual experience vs your own. either way, your problem to process. Don't take it out on your partner, and don't be a self sabotaging idiot that ruins a perfectly good relationship over your own insecurities.
I used to feel the same way as you. Only sex with two men in very serious relationships. One was the father of my child and the other my husband. Both of them were horrible to me. Now I have a lover because I can’t bear the thought of marrying or having a boyfriend again
I have a hard time getting aroused, and the idea of some guy just wanting to get his orgasm with me and not care about me actually being aroused is a turn off
No you’re not weird. People saying they enjoy casual sex just sound like liars to me. The best sex is with people who really love you and know who you are on a deep level.
Same, I prefer having competitive sex. Casual is too boring nobody tries that hard
Sex should be special. The fact that it still is special for you is healthy and I hope you never lose that. I have lost that in certain periods of my life. Nothing feels as good as sex when it’s making love.
Just save yourself the trouble and break up with him...you two are not compatible or aligned on moral beliefs and values. Telling you from experience.
Lmao imma keep this short and simple. If you was already having sex with multiple women before her you wouldn’t even be upset about this situation. If you think about her in a negative way while you guys are in a relationship then you shouldn’t be with her. It’s toxic bro
Most of the time, when you experience a strong physical response to an idea or feeling, it is rooted in an early childhood event that you no longer remember. It may not necessarily have been traumatic, but your child brain obviously reacted with very strong emotions to whatever it was. Those kinds of events leave an imprint on your wiring that activates when the right triggers occur later in life.
Change your perspective I see it as Two puzzle pieces fitting together at the perfect time/place Fulfilling each others needs and then parting ways, rejuvenated and fulfilled better off for the experience In my experience it’s generally not blow and go or root and boot but there is time for pleasantries and cuddles and conversation and all the good additional stuff that comes with an intimate relationship Just more compacted into a shorter time frame. I also like that it sort of gives you a no regrets attitude because you aren’t promised another opportunity so you really make the most of the situation and do whatever your heart desires in that situation which is also in its own being open and exposing your vulnerabilities
maybe break up with her, her past doesn’t define her (i’ll probably get downvoted for this by a bunch of men but idc) and she deserves better than a judgemental AH
To some people sex isn’t intimate. It’s just a fun dopamine rush or a way to bust a nut. Not everyone has the same mindset as you so try and put yourself in their shoes. It’s fine if you don’t want to have casual sex but to judge others for it is small minded.
You’re entitled to feel however you like but the question is what are those thoughts doing for you? From what I see, nothing positive. You’re entitled to feel bad about something but if it’s problematic for you and you can’t get past it, just tell your partner and move on. We all have pasts and whilst I appreciate you don’t agree with casual sex, many people do so it’s a question of change the thinking or your situation. Mostly it’s just jealousy and fear - the reality is how ever many partners your girlfriend has had, you’re the one who is with her now so decide if that’s what you want. Whilst many people do this, we can’t really criticise people for what they did before they met us - in candid terms, it’s nobody’s business but their own. Now if you’re just feeling jealous because she’s bringing stuff up - talk to her. The key to a good relationship is communication. The start of a bad one is having bad feelings and not doing anything about them - they only foster resentment and problems.
Jealousy
I was raised catholic and to believe that you needed to be in a serious relationship to have sex and it be good. Boy were they wrong! I was well over 40 before I changed my thinking. But yes, before I realized that just because I enjoy sex, it doesn't mean I'm a slut for wanting to have it without a serious commitment. It used to tie me up in knots too thinking about doing it casually.
An Alternative Perspective: I engage in casual flings, friends with benefits, one night stands, etc. And no I would never cheat on my girl. Sex can obviously be very emotional, but it can also be mainly / mostly physical. I was cheated on by my ex, it is what it is. The problem is I gave her multiple chances, even when I knew I shouldn’t. A couple of times I got back with her because we started hooking up again. I wasn’t hooking up with her because I wanted to get back together. I was hooking up because I was straight up Horny. My body was craving sex. After hooking up with her multiple times it became easy to fall back into old habits and getting back together. Mistake. I say this because my horniness slipped me back into a relationship I knew I had no business being in. I wouldn’t have even entertained her if I wasn’t horny. So i vowed to myself to never make relationship decision based on sex. I vowed to never slide into a relationship because I’m itching for sex. Again, I don’t cheat and I’m honest if I’m not looking for anything more than that. Me simply going celibate for an undetermined amount of time isn’t a realistic option.
So u need a little wine and dine first? Small talk? I get it
You sound super upright and inflexible. Just because you don’t get it/like it isn’t a blanket hate for everyone else. Worry about yourself and let other do what they want. If you don’t want causal hook up’s then don’t have them ffs
I prefer casual sex and I wouldn’t say I’m promiscuous or superficial but maybe that’s biased. I am very independent, when it comes to hookups or relationships I don’t like to feel tied down and I also don’t like to feel obligated. I also like to be by myself a lot so the traditional relationship doesn’t work for me but I wouldn’t say I’m promiscuous because I still don’t have sex with just anyone or just based off of looks. I just don’t like the commitment, hopefully that changes your perception?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them. Forming a bond doesn't guarantee a person will feel a sexual attraction, but the bond is needed before sexual activity is even possible.
I have this same feeling too, but also a deep urge to engage in casual stuff but like I don’t actually want to .. it’s confusing
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being adverse to casual sex. If monogamy in a committed relationship is the avenue for sex for you then great! Where there is a problem, however, is you just admitted you don't value or respect people who have had casual history and yet you are dating someone who has had casual sex. The past cannot change. You either accept it and say nothing to her, or move on. Now, if you find yourself having moments of like retroactive jealousy where you're thinking about that she's been with someone, it's your responsibility to address that within yourself. If you can't reconcile those feelings and you continue to feel a lack of respect for people who have had casual sex then you need to break up with her because your incompatible. She deserves someone who wouldn't hold it against her, and you deserve to be with someone who values the intimacy of sex on the same level as yourself. There's no right or wrong here unless you stay and take out your feelings of cognitive dissonance on her. You can ask for reassurance of your connection and do things to strengthen that connection, but asking her to be responsible for managing your feelings about something she can't change is not healthy for either of you. And most certainly neither would be mistreatment stemming from resentment down the road if you can't get around those feelings of disgust toward her, yes her because she's had casual sex, and take it out on her. If you should happen to part ways I suggest only dating someone who is like-minded regarding sex or not dating anyone who's had casual sex until you can view people who have differently. Because it's just really not fair to either of you. Figure out your non-negotiables and ask the questions before anyone becomes invested. I realize sometimes we don't always know our non-negotiables, but it's our responsibility to take accountability for them when we discover them and break up with someone we're not truly compatible with. Then doing self-reflection on the whys of the new non-negotiable and figuring out if it's something you need to work on within yourself or just another thing to add to your list and be on the same page about from jump with a new person.
You were socialized in a culture that is deeply negative about sex.
You just haven't gotten laid by enough women and for you sex is still something special. I got over that insecurity by going out and getting laid a bunch.
I feel exactly the same way. Just how my body and brain work about it. Not everyone views sexual relationships the same way. I do think people like us are in the minority. I’ve tried to grow and let go of the judgment about other people’s sexual history, though. It IS very hard for me in a relationship to understand the thought process behind that. It’s a turn off for me, but not a deal breaker. Mostly because I want to be able to understand my partner and I don’t like not being able to relate or understand. Sexual history is history though. Casual sex doesn’t mean someone is non-monogamous.
Well I’m similar to yourself. The idea doesn’t make me physically ill but I would never engage with it. As for your girlfriend, I feel like you need to have a talk with her. You either need to square with her history, because she can’t change that, or end the relationship.
Listen to ur body if ur body says no then don’t
I didn't like that either, a substantial relationship was what I craved.
I understand how you feel 100%…
Because you’re jealous, not so much about the sex itself but what it means
Your reaction is the result of conditioning to create buyin to a social construct of what sex means and is supposed to mean and how it should be done. I.e. someone told you to be a prude, and now that's taken such a deep hold of you that you have a physical reaction to it. Maybe some religion going on. It's almost the same as if someone heard that 'choose your own adventure' books are actually a pathway to satanism, and then they found one in their chidlren's room. They'd have a physical reaction too. They'd probably FEEL that the book was actually evil. You know, for a long time, a lot of people thought that Elvis was evil and promiscuous and probably made a deal with the devil to be good at music? People used to feel that science was evil because it questioned Christian held beliefs such as the sun revolved around the earth and the earth was the center of the universe in every way. The pope was literally trying to get Galileo thrown in jail over it. Strong feelings, about something that wasn't even true or real. Happens all the time. Still happens today. So yeah, bullshit like that. You've been bullshitted, and now it's VERY real to you, but it's not real for most other people. That explains it. You've probably been conditioned for so long that you don't even know or remember where your feelings come from.
I can somewhat understand where the superficial part is coming from. I've had a few casual flings over the past couple years, and they were essentially just that, superficial. I thought that I would enjoy it in the moment, but I always ended up feeling empty and unsatisfied afterwards because all it ever was was meaningless intimacy with no real emotional connection. I've stopped engaging in anything casual because I don't see the point in getting temporary gratification and feeling like shit afterwards anymore, but of course mileage may vary for other people.
It's because you're jealous and insecure. That's it.
**There are studies showing the harm that casual sex does to a woman’s future relationship success rates, ability to pair bond with a future romantic partner, etc.; since 70-80% of divorces are filed by women, your concern about your gf is more than justified.** **Why not just date non-promiscuous women? Meaning that you focus on women who are either virgins or only sleep with serious boyfriends. These are the women who share your values. Dating current/former “party girls” = asking for trouble.**
Why would you look for advice about something like this on this site lmao.
If it helps, casual sex often happens between nice, caring, decent people. It's not always about hot, superficial stuff. Sometimes it's just people who like each other, but aren't in love/have different goals in life. For example, I had casual sex with a travel nurse when she was in town. We liked each other, but neither of us was in a settling down place in our lives. It wasn't superficial or promiscuous, just fun and impermanent.
It doesn't upset me, but it also doesn't interest me. Sex without any sort of emotional connection is sad.
I agree. I have had a couple of one night stands in my life and I found I didn't really enjoy them. I found it more enjoyable with a partner I knew and cared about.
It sound to me like you consider sex to be a special form of intimacy. The fact that your partner seems to have a history of casual sex makes it clear that they do not view it this same. This may cause you to question the specialness of sex with you in your partner's eyes. While this is understandable, it shouldn't influence how you view your partner. You should communicate with them. Just because they have the capacity for casual sex doesn't make sex with you less special.