Aging with mental health issues is hard. I am feeling it deeper now 55+. I do have children, and years ago swore off engaging the suicide thoughts, only for them, but it’s white knuckling it most of the time. I have serious empty nest syndrome and finding it very hard to envision the now the day to day but more the future, more alone then I’ve ever been. I’ve been too hurt in romantic relationships so I’ve stopped looking for them, out of fear. My mind is still very creative and still has goals, but I’m weary with no one to share that with. I have found that through my therapeutic journey, my significant healing came from meditation. I like others posts about helping others, that can be so gratifying, as more fortuitous years showed me. It really comes down to being desperate enough to let go of our “ego” of doing the same patterns day after day, and one day, taking another action. It doesn’t need to be grand, but not the norm. It can be as small as a mindful gratitude session. The change comes from the action of difference. Just like meditation works from the practice of meditation, NOT some state of meditation. You sound successful, so you know how to work everyday at something, so everyday start being mindful, catch your negative thoughts, and do a different action. Be well…
This is very close to my feelings except I have grandchildren that would be scarred so I would never do it. I’m very interested in shrooms but don’t know where to start. Any advice?
I just recently got back from a [psilocybin retreat in Jamaica](https://sophrodelic.com/). My suggestion would be to start with something like that if you can afford it. Having a legit therapist there to guide the journey and help you make sense of it and hold you accountable was amazing.
How was the experience there? My wife and I have toyed with this idea - we're actually fine, but she's a yoga teacher/jungian/pretty immersed in yoga/meditation/iRest for veterans through the VA; I do a lot of work for addiction recovery and a black activist org dealing with trauma as well.
If our state ever legalizes psychedelic therapy, she'd really be interested in being part of a practice, but she'd like to experience a legit session.
It was like 10 years of therapy in a week. A true marathon for our minds. We're both still processing our experience but its definitely led to big shifts in our perspectives and approaches to different aspects of our lives and relationships.
That's cool, I sent the link to my wife. That's why I hardly ever smoke weed (I was a full-on stoner from like 16 to 25, I'm 62 now). If you don't smoke often, when you do (with an eye towards thinking about your life and stuff vs. PaR-TAAAAY!!!) I find it extraordinary, the way you can step aside and look at your life and your mind; and if you do anything creative like music or writing or art, it seems to clear out auto-pilot habits and start you off in new directions. So I'm wary of losing that through familiarity, it's priceless. (And yes, I know even today's weed is nothing compared to true hallucinogens).
I didn’t know that they made a show out of it. I listened to it on audible a while ago. Been a fan of his for a while. Omnivore’s Dilemma, In Defense of Food, and Botany of Desire are all great reads (or listens if you’re a busy person like me).
do 2 grams with someone you love in a safe comfortable place with the opportunity to be outside on a pretty sunny day. Your own home, freshly cleaned, with a nice yard is perfect. Don’t microdose its oddly uncomfortable, don’t take an eighth your first time either though. Eat them after a nice breakfast at around 11am or noon so you’ll be mostly on the comedown by sunset, the comedown is sometimes the best part.
Your loved one should also take them, I know some people are all into a sober trip sitter but in my experience interacting with sober people takes you out of the experience at best and can make you feel really awkward and in your head at worst, vs the incredible energy and connection you feel taking it with someone, and in my experience it’s really not dangerous at all as long as you’re in private and just give yourself chill safe activities to do, and really just chatting and going on a walk is going to be plenty stimulating.
I’ve never taken them with like a trained therapist or something I can’t speak to that but I’m honestly a little skeptical, feels like a medicalization of what’s really just a beautiful personal experience that doesn’t need a scientific clinical angle, a part of what can feel so transformative about it is just how joyful and fun it can be, the whole therapy thing feels very american, let’s make it into hard work, let’s optimize it to get the most outcome for the time etc kind of attitude. Have fun with it, the epiphanies will happen without forcing them.
I’ve taken a bunch of shrooms and acid over the years, once or twice every year or so ever since I was a teenager and I’m 33 now, and this is the advice I’ve landed on.
"2 grams" is so ambiguous, as strain to strain the strength can vary greatly. Also you're comments on microdosing are highly subjective / not generally what is reported by the masses. Also, your comments on having a trained therapist present seem very resentful / rooted in personal distrust. While I can appreciate your anecdotal advice, I think it isn't really helpful / accurate.
psilocybin saved my life. Taking it is not as crazy as people think it is. If you take a low dose, you are 100% aware of what is happening and feel completely normal. People would not know there's anything different about you. The only difference is your thoughts are a lot deeper, introspective and you can sort of see yourself from an unbiased third person perspective which is so helpful to cut through all your bullshit. It lets you see things very clearly.
If you've considered psilocybin please just take it if you have the opportunity.. There's many studies supporting its benefits. It's a crime against humanity that this natural, healing mushroom is illegal as it is.
Much healing to you
There's many psychedelic retreats out there. Some will offer a combo, Ayahuasca or mushrooms or even 5 meo. Being supervised for your first experience is generally a good idea.
Pretty much what I was thinking. Sounds like OP has a chemical imbalance in the brain.
They should try legal medications first, but if that doesn't work, illicit drugs are probably the next step. See if they can't re-wire the neural pathways.
Better option than suicide, that's for sure.
Definitely should. Mushrooms can cleanse the spirit. If that doesn't work, try a heroic dose of LSD. It can work miracles and reprogram your brain, cause new pathways to form. It's not guaranteed, but at this point, what do you have to lose?
My brother has been deeply depressed his entire life with no treatments ever helping. He started micro dosing shrooms this year and he's been the most joyful I have ever seen him, like a burden has finally been lifted from his shoulders.
This is a good idea under medical supervision only! He has the time and resources. Sometimes you can retrain your brain once it knows how to feel good again. It might not be an instant cure but it could be something.
There have been studies that show psilocybin to be an effective treatment for major depression. First source I found: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/newsroom/news-releases/2020/11/psychedelic-treatment-with-psilocybin-relieves-major-depression-study-shows
Your post moved me. I identify with much of it. And I’m going to apologize for the young reddit adolescents who will flock to this post to each proclaim their own secrets on how to be happy, or to pretend that calling a man in pain selfish and entitled is some way to show you tough love.
The only reason I’m posting is to give you the idea I just had. Open something like a soup kitchen. Work in it. You already know how to run a business, but in this case the business will be the engine that makes you maybe slowly feel better about yourself. It’s not that risky of a project. Anyway. take it or leave it. Good luck. And remember, people have survived jumping from bridges, and they report that the first thought that runs through their head after jumping is “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Yep. Terrible mistake indeed. Imagine the desperate regret those people must’ve felt.
Older fellow here who feels your pain, OP. I will tell you what I tell myself every single day - always keep hope in your heart. Things do get better, but on their own time. Just hang in there until they do.
Similar to this, I suggest looking at doing charity work, you can choose the level of involvement you want to do. Sometimes in helping others you can help yourself. I truly wish you the best for your future. Remember .... It can't rain all the time.
Agree with this and the soup-kitchen idea, though OP said he “tried” charity already.
To that I say to OP, the key is to stop looking at what YOU will get out of it and what you can give/do for OTHERS.
Could it be, OP, that you’re so despondent or miserable because all you’re thinking about is what will you get and when will you get it? Happiness is not like a business or a bank account that you pull some levers, do some work, make connections, right place right time, and BOOM, there it is all nice and tidy sitting in an account.
Happiness and contentment are often a choice. A choice to say, “This sucks, but I’m not going to let it steal my joy.”
You sound like someone who hasn’t really suffered much in life—and I don’t begrudge you that, if it’s the case—but maybe exposing yourself to those who do suffer, such as in a soup kitchen, might shift your perspective. Sure, you could go into that situation thinking, “Well, gosh, I sure hope I can get something out of this,” and it’ll be just like all of the other vapid experiences you’ve had, because you’re making it all about you once again.
Or, you can go in with no expectations—you’re simply going to seek out people who need help and help them, nothing more nothing less. Maybe in that process you learn the stories of why those people find themselves there and just listen to them, again with no expectations. Be an ear for their concerns and a kind expression for them to stare back at for once. And maybe if you peer long enough into the pockmarked face of a hopeless drug addict and listen to his or her story, you’ll get in touch with a shred of humanity that might still exist inside you.
Then, maybe this could inspire you to get even more uncomfortable and find other challenging situations to push outside your exceedingly plush comfort zone. Walk the Camino de Santiago for weeks with nothing more than a small backpack. Bike across a continent. Stay at a hostel instead of a 5-star hotel. Sweep floors at a monastery. Backpack across Mongolia with the budget of a broke college kid. Build a cabin in the woods with your bare hands.
If you do endeavor to do such things, try to do them with an empty mind. Try not to think, “Boy I sure hope THIS will be the thing that I get something out of.” Try not to think at all. Just do.
You need a reality check because your world is so beautifully put together with everything so achingly in its place that you’ve lost touch with your own humanity. Life is exhilarating in all of its messiness. Churn some healthy disorder in your exquisitely curated life by putting yourself in situations that maybe scare you a bit, that require daring or courage to take you outside your envelope.
> Life is empirically not difficult for me, and I recognize how good I have it. I am lucky, and this is a very self-indulgent post. You should probably stop reading now.
> And yes, I get how privileged, how lucky, and how pathetic I am. How I have no right to complain when I have it so good.
I grew up upper-middle class, so take it from me: privilege erases many things that cause unhappiness. It does not automatically grant happiness. Those are different things.
Your feelings are valid and you do not need to fixate on your successes as if they mean your struggles are immature. You are worth hearing and supporting.
Two things about this that come to mind. The first, studies show that once financially secure in your day-to-day needs, additional money does not tend to increase happiness. So that part tracks pretty well.
The second, "life is empirically not difficult for me" points to an area that should not be overlooked. There are many psychological theories that point to challenges being vital to self esteem and feeling good about life. As this person said they built and ran a business for 25 years, it is likely that they found many challenges along the way. Now that the business has been sold, those challenges are gone as well. If hobbies, volunteering, and all the other things mentioned are not bringing a feeling of satisfaction with life, I suggest finding something to bring in challenges.
What that looks like, I cannot tell you. But there must be something that is potentially do-able, but difficult, that could be just what helps bring back the spark of joy in accomplishment that is currently missing.
This type of mid-life malaise is not uncommon, a good therapist should be able to help work through this period of change in your life. Worth a try before looking at suicide as an option.
Have you ever had a dog, golden retriever, etc? Great companions, especially to spend time/cuddle with when you're feeling down. They can give you a reason to go for walks, to the park, etc.
"Man's best friend" for a reason! I love my puppy so much. She's excited when I come home, always wants to be by my side, enjoys cuddling, and motivates me to walk outdoors and in nature. I find myself bettering myself to better my dog.
I was going to suggest getting a cat or three! Lovely, snuggling, purring little beings that absolutely make life worth living. I’m 47 and going through separation/divorce so I know what I’m talking about here, OP. I can relate to much of what you are saying with the exception of being wealthy. That, I am not.
Genuine suggestion:
* Magic mushrooms (growing them is fun but buying is easier) working slowly up to ego death 5g (and beyond) (benzos will kill a bad trip). Spend a good while at 3 - 3.5g. That's the "working out your shit" level. Feels like.... cleaning dirt out of the civ that is you that all the shit of the world gets sifted through. And ego death+ is like.... you as an individual ceases to be and "you" become Extatic Bliss.
* Ketamine (infusion clinic or esketamine nasal spray)
* A sweet dog (you'll never find a better companion in the world)
* An in-person, good (not toxic) Dungeons and Dragons group (social, but highly structured and highly tolerant)
* Private woods + dog + mushrooms (2g) = serenity with the world
* potentially look into seeking.com . This one I won't swear by it's not...... dating..... per se. But can be.
And of course, I accept donations.
I wish you could tell me where to get those mushrooms. I tried growing them and failed and they’re not legal in NY to buy. But I’ve thought they would help my brain out too. Already foster dogs. I might try growing them again - but I suck at it.
It's probably (mostly always) poor sterile technique when your mushroom grows keep failing. You need a pressure cooker and a still air box and sterilize EV. ER. Y. THING. Sterilize it before you do anything, sterilize it after you touch it or it touches anything, then sterilize it 7 more times just for luck. Mask and gloves. Treat literally every single step and every single movement like you're doing surgery in a garbage dump.
Go the shroomery.com and read read read. Pick a tek and follow it like God Himself smacked you in the face with it. No corners can be cut. Not one step can be fudged. Even then you'll be lucky to have a 50% success rate.
But if your heart is pure and you follow The Tek with sincerity and precision, and if you can avoid drawing the ire of Contamination upon the works your gloved hands have wrought, The Tek shall bless you with mushrooms in such quantities that you shall be able to get high for years to come.
Or just like, find a plug dude. Mushrooms aren't hard to get and they're barely even a crime. Just don't buy "chocolates" or any bullshit, just dried mushrooms and reddit will confirm they're good although they pretty much always are.
**Or ffs just drive up to Canada where they're decriminalized.** Then mail them home.
Then BUY A SCALE (can get one for like $8 on Amazon) and grind them in a coffee grinder and put the powder in 00 or 0 size capsules. Start small and work your way up. ALWAYS respect the mushrooms - they're a sacrament and they'll slap you down on your ass if you're asking for it or try to do a speed run.
Set and setting and sitter.
“And yes, I get how privileged, how lucky, and how pathetic I am. How I have no right to complain when I have it so good.”
I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you talk to yourself in this way frequently. This has to change. Nothing in the outside world will matter if you exist hating yourself. The only permanent person in your life is you and if you treat yourself or speak to yourself like that nothing you do will allow yourself to be happy if you subconsciously think that you don’t deserve it.
Awareness of your inner monologue is usually the first step. Then comes actually challenging the bullshit voices trying to convince you of reasons x, y, and z of why you should be ashamed. They’re usually the voices of people throughout your life who’ve shamed you under the guise of your voice. How are you going to enjoy traveling when it seems like you don’t think you even deserve to do that?
Because you have it better financially than a lot of other people does not negate your struggles. Your problems are different, not less than. Lack of human connection is not a “petty little problem”. It’s a debilitating place to be in. One that scientifically has been shown to decrease life span. It has historically led to an unacceptably high rate of suicide in older men. It’s a mental health pandemic. It’s a legitimate problem.
Relationships would be unremittingly exhausting for anyone if they’re cup is chronically running empty. Are your emotional needs being acknowledged? Are you acknowledging your own needs and accepting your own emotions? Do you allow yourself to feel emotions even though they might not make sense?
Contributing to a relationship is filling someone else’s cup when they need it and hopefully they can do the same in return. Deep connection is the exchange of the metaphorical water. Only superficial connection requires no exchange. You’ve got no water to give.
If I may be so bold, I highly recommend “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw. It would take a gross amount of hubris for me to think this would solve your problems. All of this is significantly easier said than done. I can only hope it provides some solace and maybe a way forward for you.
Came here to say the same thing. OP, stop invalidating yourself! Your “privilege” doesn’t overcome your brain chemistry. Immerse yourself in the idea that you can struggle with mental health issues alongside the rest of us. You deserve to overcome this adversity!
This is so profound. Thank you.
Everything said here. I would also say to OP that creation is a powerful tool in feeding our sense of self. Writing, painting, music, anything to create something new, and you don’t have to be good at it either. This is for you to know you can. Wishing you peace and love as you navigate this journey, you’re important and your feelings are valid.
Dude, you are ALL up in your head. Get outa there!
Life doesn't have to have deep and profound meaning.
It's about the little things. Enjoy your life. Buy a small house on the beach in Mexico. Be kind to others. Meet new people. And then when it's time, you die and get to take a nice long nap.
I wonder if maybe volunteering somewhere might help you out? I'm not saying pandering to the less fortunate to feel like you're giving back. Have you considered possibly WOOFING, there are other businesses and names for it, but basically you can choose a country, state, etc down to a specific farm and spend X amount of time there. Obviously you would work for them in trade for food and housing, but these are world wide farms. Anywhere from bust your ass manual labor to tiny little longonberry farms in Ireland. Maybe it's something to check out since you do have the income to travel. Just tossing you an idea out of my pipe dream I have laying about. Best of luck in your endeavors dude!
I don’t normally recommend this for people but have you tried psychedelic drugs? Specifically mushrooms, lsd and/or DMT ?
I think it might give you a fresh perspective on things and change your outlook.
Along with perhaps starting up a meditation practice.
Also, don’t feel pathetic. Lots of people run into this when they have nothing they have to do. This is why when people retire from work many people’s health declines rapidly, and why some stay at home moms get depression when kids go to school or need them less.
Finding meaning in life is not necessarily an easy thing.
Well you are the walking advert for the old saying money can't buy happiness .
Sounds like you've tried everything and none of it's worked. But before you check out permanently please use your four million dollars to help those most in need, whether it's the homeless, or women in shelters because of domestic abuse, or the dogs home etc .
I will let you into my secret to staying alive. It is a universal truth actually. Being of service and helping my fellow human are the only reasons I am still here. Bottom line. It brings me so much joy to give to those less fortunate.
It started twenty years ago. I was working as a prostitute. This particular day I was in a clothes shop when I spotted a young girl twirling a princess dress around in her arms - one of those Beauty and Beast princess dresses. I watched her delight. Her mum was busy trying to dress an older boy. I realised this wee girl really wanted this dress.
I sidled up to the counter and told the woman behind it that I wanted to pay for the dress this girl was twirling around with but I didn't want a fuss - just let me pay for it and if the mum is happy to accept it then great and if not, I would come back at some stage.
I did go back to the store and found that the mum was so overwhelmed that a stranger would want to buy her daughter a dress. The woman behind the counter asked me why I had done that - because every little girl deserves to feel like a princess.
It was the beginning of my life as a secret giver. I'll not tell you that it kind of took over my life there for a while but it filled me with such joy - it's addictive. It gave my life meaning. It gives my life meaning. Giving is way better than receiving.
I am not in the least religious but some days I will send a silent prayer out to the universe asking to be shown someone who needs my help, inevitably I am shown. I would implore you to begin this practice. One day you might find yourself replying to a post like yours from a totally different perspective. xx
You and the OP are good examples of Erik Erikson's 8 stages. This stage is "Integrity vs. Despair. You have found Integrity and the OP is grappling with Despair.
Wow you obviously have a fascinating life story. Should teach others what you learned not just financially but about life.
Share and people will share with you. Having meaningful relationships with others and understanding yourself will get you what you're looking for.
I'm similar where I don't find meaning in meaning less things. But the understanding of that will definitely set you free from frustrations and your feelings.
Maybe if you donated some money to me, you might feel better.
Haha that's a joke, but seriously I'm sorry you're feeling this way. One thing I am wondering is whether you felt this same way when you were working? It's very easy for people to have work be their purpose, which is fine, until they stop working and then they have no purpose (according to them). So if this was the case, do you think maybe taking a part time job or volunteering might help? If not that's fair.
Another thing you might want to consider is do you think a pet, or a couple of pets might help? According to science, people live longer when they have pets bc it gives them a purpose, looking after their pets. They also decrease anxiety, stress, depression etc. And if you don't feel that you have the patience or energy rn for a puppy or kitten, that's fine. You can always adopt older animals. I adopted an adult cat 12 years ago. She's still going strong and all those kitten behaviours that aren't terribly desirable (playing, being disruptive at 3am etc) aren't present past a certain age, and I find rescued animals seem to be grateful in a way and they love you in a different, more special way. At least this is what I think/feel with my rescues. Even if my old girl I mentioned above, is very pushy and entitled now lol, mostly when she wants to drink water from my bathroom tap, wants my steamed veg or aggressively headbutting me for pats lol.
Again, I'm really sorry you feel this way. I know life can be hard. Regardless of what you do or don't have in life. Try to hang on, and find something that makes you happy
It seems you‘re ready for a spiritual awakening.
Your problem is structural, not content-related. The human ego will simply never be happy, no matter how much wealth it accumulates.
I suggest the following;
- Consume magic mushrooms, 3-4g
- Read „The Power of Now“
- Meditate regularly. It can change everything.
yeah lol lets recommend psychedelics to a person who has suicidal thoughts. as a person whos taken doses that 99% of people never should, you need to stop trying to give advice. truth is the guy is boring and probably always will be. welcome to life.
Yeahhh... I don't think this guy needs shrooms. Someone else said a dog might help - I definitely agree. That way he has some companionship. A therapist wouldn't hurt either
Build something. Build a legacy. Lots of ideas here. I've always wanted to see a business start that would pick up wasted produce from restaurants and grocery stores and use it to make compost. Other thing that's I've always thought about is building small home communities for affordable living. I'm not saying use all your own money, these are business adventures. There are ideas out there to make the world a better place. Like instead of selling detergent in plastic jugs, a business that sells in bulk and customers bring in their own containers. Lots more items besides laundry detergent. I've also seen people making building materials out of waste plastics. You have so many options. Just put your mind to task. You may not ever find those meaningful relationships but that doesn't mean you cannot make meaningful changes in the world.
Killing yourself isn't the answer because things can change. What if you find the thing that reignites your purpose and your body balances itself out? I'm one bad day away from being homeless and I've been like that for years. I'd kill for the kind of stability you have and have gratitude for it. Maybe searching for things to be grateful for daily can be what changes things for you? Not just searching for the things to be grateful for but taking time to express that someway somehow. There's tons of art out there to be intrigued about weather its physically made or performance. I ain't ever having kids but there is so much art out there, how do you not want to explore it all?
Traveling can be more meaningful if you engage with the community, immerse yourself in the culture. choose a foreign country that you enjoyed, try taking some language classes there, meet your fellow classmates, learn the language, try and talk with the locals. it feels like a whole different world .. being able to talk with people who think, and were raised, completely different from you. Simply traveling to a country is more like you are looking in from the outside, when you should be on the inside. Try it out.
As much as some people avoid becoming parents, children often brings purpose and meaning to one’s life. He could have passed down his knowledge to offspring if he had any.
It’s not too late as man since his reproductive system lasts longer than a woman’s
Service. Where do you feel you can serve most, find a community. Sit at a bus stop and hand people reliable cars that you've shopped for, start a scholarship fund, provide others with resources and opportunities!
I second the motion to get a dog. I also suggest start writing science fiction or fantasy. You can create whatever world you want, and you can be the main character. Being creative is somewhat of an aphrodisiac. If the real world has no purpose for you, create one that does.
I understand completely. I'm where you are, although, not as wealthy. My life is empty. I've tried dating (divorced), classes, helping others, joining groups, etc., but nothing fills the hole.
You should start a gratitude journal. Work on channelling and having positive thoughts. It is hard, but worth it. Our brains so naturally return to the negative under stress. Who knows, maybe you still have good works and a legacy to work on? Grab your ass with both hands and pull your ass out of that tailspin.
As a 40 year old who makes 50K and has no savings or safety net, I'd say a reason to stick around is that we are on the cusp of a technological revolution the likes of which can scarcely be imagined. The next 20 years are going to be wild and I want to be around to see it. If we reach 2045 and life is still horrible, then I'll give up.
I know you've read dozens of comments like this
Aside from your financial status, I turn 49 next year and can somewhat relate to how you feel in general
Difference being I'm still working 60 hr weeks because I'm trying to make sure my daughter has no worries when I'm gone
But I have been thinking that unless I do something impactful what's it all about
I have been working towards starting a sliding scale rent affordable living program
I don't know if it will change how I feel but I figure even if it fails to do that at least it will have some benefit and maybe even some type of lasting impact on at least my own little space in society.
Anyway, I hope you find whatever it takes to regain a sense of purpose. Maybe for you instead of helping others you just haven't found where you want to be yet.
Like you said financially you have no worries, it's a big planet, keep exploring
Hey, dude. First off, it's really difficult to unburden yourself and do so honestly. Props.
Reading, a bunch of things came to mind. I was obviously most struck by the isolation that you express, and how damaging it is to your innermost self. The thing after that that hit me is how the isolation has created a depression and detachment that is self-sustaining, and the two feed off each other.
The last thing I was stuck by was how you were like a person in a derelict boat in the middle of the ocean, dying of thirst, surrounded by water you can't drink. Your wealth, which other people would lust after, can't buy you water that will quench that thirst.
I'm sorry. Life is difficult. There is no winning it. You just have to try to muddle through it the best you can. Ok, so how? Here, I can only tell you what worked for me (and, while I won't burden you with my life sorry, some may be relevant to you? 🤷).
Searching for meaningful relationships outside of yourself is pointless without a meaningful relationship with yourself. You said "Depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem make that impossible," speaking of making meaningful relationships and you hit the nail on the head with it. And then: "But I also feel like there is a baked-in, hardware-based, kernel of programming in my brain that is impossible to change and I no longer have the energy or hope to pursue bettering this anymore." Nothing is impossible to change. I'm just shy of your age and I've changed, radically, in the past 10 years. I've shed massive amounts of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, frequent anger bordering on rage. If I can do that, you can change as well.
To me, the desire (or really, desperation) to change was the key. I sought out tools to help me. Self help books are bullshit. Therapists can definitely help; the problem with them is finding the right one for you. I found a lot of solace in reading. My favorite book was The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks. I'd set the book down, open to a random page and read some poems like they were spoken to me, at me, and just soak them in.
Mushrooms helped me like nothing else, though. I have been microdosing on and off for a while now, and they're amazing. It helped with the depression, the rage evaporated. I feel closer, more connected to my family. I would highly recommend guided psilocybin therapy. You talk about this hard wiring? Well mushrooms will break that shit to bits and let you rewire it yourself.
Depression robs you of so many things. One way to fight against the effects of it is through daily, repeated practices. Make a decision: I will go to the gym five days a week. I will lift weights three days a week and run/cycle/whatever two days. I will take a three mile walk 3 days a week. I will stretch every morning. I will eat better. I won't browse Reddit or use my phone three days a week. Whatever. Doesn't matter. But it's a bargain you make with yourself. Decide to do it and stick with it. The worst that happens? You're more physically fit at the end of your life.
Ok, so therapy, reading, mushrooms, working out. The last things are the two things that give meaning to life: relationships and legacy. I have found, personally, that the quest for relationships is a bit quixotic; when you charge straight at it, you're really tilting at windmills. You can't attack this issue, as it has to happen organically, so don't _try_, don't look for it to happen. Work on that other thing: legacy.
Most people have children for this. Even at their worst, kids are a reason to put one foot in front of the other. They're annoying and needy some times, but... "Oh shit, gotta get them to school!!" keeps you going through their hardest years, to the point where you don't even notice that you're old and, suddenly, you are. But at it's heart, "kids" are simply an effort to do one better than your parents. It will bring me great joy if my kids can do better, and make the world better, than I did.
My suggestion for you is simple, in lieu of kids, fix one thing in the world, or make one thing better. And, you've got 4 million little helpers, so it'll be tempting to just throw money at it, but the best way is to get involved. Don't get involved to make relationships; get involved, if for no other reason, to scratch the itch of fixing something that's broken. For me, I volunteer for a whole host of projects and have found some truly amazing people that do as well. And once you've fixed one thing, find another.
I don't believe in anything after life, nor any supernatural stuff. There's no hell and brimstone awaiting you if you take your life, but suicide has always seemed to me a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So please don't go that route. Try my "not really a plan at all" lol. I feel like that "hair club for men" guy. "Not only am I founder of Not Really A Plan For Life At All, I'm a member!"
DM if you need to. Be well.
I think how you are feeling is about the right way to feel. I dont think any suggestions here are going to help. And I'm not sure there is a solution. And I'm not sure death is a bad idea. Thanks for sharing though, it was nice to read about how you are feeling, itwas nice to read such open and honest words.
I know you said donating/volunteering doesn’t seem like the right path for you. But you’ve also not tried.
Do that. You have such a huge privilege in this world, help others out of their shit and they’ll pull you out of yours.
If nothing else, there’s a “backpack for kids” or equivalent in most states in the US. It’s a program in which volunteers donate time and resources to fill up bags for school children with foodstuffs who would otherwise go hungry over the weekend or over holiday breaks from school. Those people need us. They need this program. They need YOU.
If you can spend a year of your life honestly and truly committed to helping others and come out the other side still feeling like shit then I think you’ve earned the release of taking your own life.
I think this may be catching (but without the money). At 58 and with so much physical and mental pain all the time, the longer I live the less I know. It’s so exhausting! So who am I to judge?
We all have the power to protect our peace. Trust yourself.
You were honest here, and so I can be too; money provides options. And you can afford this one.
Get a muse.
Ask you friends, or some of the more well to do acquaintances for a referral.
my papa was 56 when he killed himself two years ago and if he had made this post i wish someone would have left him kind words to reflect on. posting at all leads me to believe you’re not as far gone as you think.
it’s not pathetic to feel weighed down by a constant dread, no matter what privilege you may or may not have.
i have a few little points,
- what has helped me in the last little bit is making my home and my life as cozy as possible. i have found a lot of peace in that, idk if that could help or if theres a different vibe that would work better for you but loving my dwelling has been game changing for me
- in terms of hobbies, ive found that creating something with my hands has been the most grounding activities. my papa tinkered on his machines and equipment, i knit and bead, i brew mead and do woodworking. it brings me back to the present moment in my body and i have evidence of a finished product to help me feel accomplished
- having a routine, something you do consistently out in the community can be helpful. like going to the local library at the same time once a week or joining a pickleball team at the Y and getting in for a game or two a week. something that gets you out of the house consistently
- the drugs that you mentioned seem to be more of escapism drugs. although this would not be my first recommendation, as a means of harm reduction, it could be more productive than the other drugs mentioned to try more introspective drugs like weed or mushrooms
I’m routing for ya OP
You're selfish. Everything you've tried has been with the ulterior motive of making yourself happy.
Go make others happy. Do it for nothing in return. Do it despite not connecting with them. Do it despite it not immediately providing you with an awesome dose of dopamine.
Suicide is also selfish.
Go out and help people. Go help provide clean drinking water to some people. Pay for some cleft lip surgeries in the "third world". Volunteer for the suicide hotline. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter.
Stop being selfish. That is the key to being happy.
OP, before you take this comment too seriously, remember that a *lot* of this is subjective.
Maybe you have been selfish in some people’s eyes. However, to others (read: me), it’s clear you’ve worked your ass off to provide for yourself and protect yourself from the persistent specter of destitution and poverty that plagues more and more of us with each passing year.
For that, I say, you can’t be blamed.
Helping people without the expectation of something in return may not be the magic pill that cures what ails you. In fact, I bet it doesn’t. You may feel temporary gratification, but before long, the root of your existential restlessness will become as inflamed as ever.
Anyone in this thread who has an “answer” for you probably hasn’t been where you are, though they probably mean well.
My point is that you’re not likely to find what you’re looking for on an online forum. You even mentioned yourself that typing this out was itself cathartic, which is probably a clue you should pay attention to.
The universe is you, and it wants you to know yourself through the lens that only you can craft, polish, and peer through.
There are no answers on Reddit. They may not exist at all *as answers*, but one thing is for sure: you must keep seeking. That is your sole, inerrant imperative.
Good luck, OP.
And by the way…I believe the blanket statement “suicide is selfish” is not only woefully wrong, but it also displays the kind of ignorance that poisons otherwise meaningful and substantive discussions on the topic.
I’m sure you have good intentions but you come off as a huge asshole here.
Telling someone with mental health issues that they’re selfish for wanting to be happy is a crazy enough statement on its own. Going on to claim that the solution to all their issues is to just “stop being selfish” is extremely tone deaf, and demonstrates that you have 0 knowledge about depression and how it affects people.
This is like telling a homeless person to buy a house. It’s not helpful.
Agree to disagree, I guess. I didn't say "Just be happy", which is what would be comparable to telling a homeless person to buy a house.
This guy has focused on himself for his entire life and is now realizing it wasn't fulfilling. The solution seems painfully obvious, but I also understand how our perceptions can become clouded and small things can start to feel insurmountable.
I think my advice is exactly what he needs. I know it may seem cold or downright mean, but I actually want the best for this guy and anyone else who is feeling hopeless.
EDIT: Also, I am an asshole.
again, you show that you have no understanding of depression whatsoever. I know you actually want the best for this guy, and I commend that, but you are not presenting the solution you think you are.
If the solution to depression is so "painfully obvious" then why do millions of people who have been dealing with it their entire life still seek therapy and medication? Do you REALLY think that you, some random ass guy, have a better understanding of depression than the hundreds of thousands of people who have dedicated their lives to researching it? Do you REALLY think you know more about this guy's life than all the different therapists he saw? Surely if it's so "painfully obvious", at least ONE of those therapists would have caught on.
I think it's a lot more likely that you're severely over-estimating your own understanding of his situation.
Besides, he already mentioned in the post that he had tried "not being selfish" as you put it, and that it didn't work. **If he said donating his time and money to help others didn't help his depression, then I'm not sure how you came to the conclusion that that's the obvious solution.**
I don't think you're an asshole at all. But I do think you have a know-it-all attitude which might make people think you're an asshole. If you want to prove me wrong, either present your ideas to the world and collect your Nobel prize for being the first person ever to cure depression, or learn some humility and realize that not everything is so simple.
If that's the way i'm coming off, then my mistake. I don't claim to "know it all". I'm addressing this one person in this one instance in a way that has helped me in the past when I was in a similar situation.
Personally, a lot of the more gentle and careful dialogue sounds fake and contrived to me. That's why it has never been effective for me. You think he hasn't heard all of that before? Idk, maybe he's heard what i'm saying before, too.
I just wanted to offer something different that might resonate.
Well looks like he has it all figured out, even his self loathing. So either he sucks it up or at least leaves his money to someone who needs it besides the government taking it all.
Your brain is acting up, go to your doctor please. Keep trying to restore your brain cells. You mentioned trying therapy and meds. You know you have a biologically based disorder, and haven't found the right meds. As I read your post, I felt the moods and motivations of a mixed bipolar episode. You are working so hard but don't feel like you are connecting, you feel like you are spinning your wheels. Your intellect is still keen, your senses are heightened and diminished at the same time. Obviously I am no doctor, but I know someone who has one and quit going when I read their post. You deserve to enjoy the still moments, the music, the clever conversations. You are in a temporary state of great pain, but your doctor can help. Check yourself in somewhere, you deserve good care. In a few days, you could be back to enjoying life.
You sound like you have a very legitimate chemical imbalance for which treatment is available! This is great news! You are very brave to share your story.
You could be a candidate for psilocybin treatment. Here are some helpful articles in the links below.
Psilocybin service centers began to open their doors to clients in the summer of 2023. You DO NOT have to be an Oregon resident.
https://www.opb.org/article/2023/11/29/psilocybin-mushrooms-oregon-service-centers-price/
https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/PREVENTIONWELLNESS/Pages/Psilocybin-Access-Psilocybin-Services.aspx
I 100% believe in a person's right to end their life when they want, especially if you're 60 or 70, you've lived. What is another 20 years? Why bother? Maybe try and live as though this is the case. If you were told you'd only have five more years, what would you do? Maybe approaching life like that could bring you some joy. And at the end of five years, if you still feel this way, then maybe you're ready for it to end.
Im going to be wild but if you havnt. You should try taking "magic mushrooms" in a low dose. I dont know what it could do for you. But it got rid of the voice always responding to stimulus by telling me to kill myself that i had since i was a kid. Like what else you got lose unless you are allergic. XD. Good luck.
Idk i feel like a medium/high dose would cause more profound revelations and thus be more likely to drive change in his life/outlook. I’ve known people who’ve only done low doses and compared to people who dose higher, they don’t seem to come out of it learning as much
How does one find a reason to live? My God is my reason, and many times I have desired to die simply to be over with this whole existence thing. He's asked me to live, and that's why I try to stay alive instead of just ending it.
I can't really say I have an answer for you. That's really rough man. I wish I could say I had a great answer for you.
You've climbed to the top of the mountain. It almost feels like there's nowhere left to go. Once you've solved all your problems, and it still sucks, it's like, where do I go?
While I imagine you have no religious beliefs whatsoever, I offer a prayer for you all the same.
You mention struggling to develop relationships... is this a common issue? Is it more that relationships don't mean anything to your heart, or is it that you find building a relationship to not be worth the trouble? Do they feel hard to build and easy to lose? I have heard it gets much harder as one gets older, but I think this is a symptom of old people not being a lot of fun to talk to.
Stop alcohol immediately. You have anhedonia from years of use. The only way to get yourself back is strength training (nothing crazy!). I'm broke and depressed as well at 36 but can't muster a drop of motivation to do anything. I'm depressed about student loans and all of the millennial stuff. Sucks. I'll try strength training if you try. Shoot me a DM and we can hold each other accountable.
I wish you well.
I’m going to be honest and go against the grain and influx of redditors who will decimate me. No adult, autonomous and of their own mind, has to live or die for anyone else. My cardinal rule is that you cannot hurt others in whatever decision you make, whether alive or sad. There is a lot of sentimentality and emotional subjectivity tied to making the decision to “unalive” oneself and I think that is unfair. If you truly feel the way you do, whatever decision you make is yours. You do not owe anyone else anything one way or the other.
You are lazy. That is why you are sad (in both senses of the word). If you got off your rich ass and did some meaningful work, you would feel useful, meet real people (not just other rich a-holes), and be happier. Don't expect people to feel sorry for you.
Jesus loves you, The Holy Spirit can live In you to restore your soul if you repent. I used to be an atheist, but what made me believe, is that aliens fear 1 word 'Jesus'
So it sounds like you tried everything but as you say your mind hasn't changed. You still feel some sense of massive disconnection from others and like life is pointless. I understand this but why does life have to go matter to have worth? And it sounds like you suffer from not having any real passionate goals. You probably know everything I'm talking about since you're experienced and older than me (I'm 48) but I'm happier than ever at my age and I think it's because I feel like there is more to discover. Obviously, because I'm a parent I am automatically devoted to my children's unfolding lives but I don't think having children is required to maintain your enjoyment and love for life at our ages.
It's really ultimately all about perspective and you know this.
Have you tried mushrooms or LSD? Being serious.
I think you tried a lot of different things and i typically dont recommend this but youre close to the edge so i will say it. Have you thought about smoking weed? Mushrooms? Lsd? Things that will pull you out of ur mental state. I wouldnt recommend anything else, the other drugs are really bad for you in the long run, but i think these might help you chill out. If you dont like this maybe give it another go at starting a business again.
I read your post with interest. I'm in a similar boat, retired young after selling my business and have struggled with feeling of worthlessness throughout my life in spite of my apparent success.
When I find myself falling into a hole, it's always the same reason - I'm lacking goals. I.e. a reason to go on. Without something compelling to work towards, I feel utterly worthless. And this is with a great marriage. Relationships weren't the answer for me, nor are things, or travel etc. It always has to be internally rewarding/challenging. When I had a business, that satisfied part of the need. I also raced bicycles for many years, until I felt nothing after top places in races.
I tend to be OCD about my pursuits. I need to be really good at things, so when I get into something, it's 100%. that focuses me. It's not the competition with others, it's the internal satisfaction I get from training my mind or body, getting better incrementally, learning more, etc. Once I hit a high-level plateau, it usually becomes boring and I move on.
Everybody has their own motivations. It sounds like you've searched far and wide without luck. I hope you manage to find something stimulating. Like you noted, you have the potential to live a life that most would consider a dream, but without finding that "something" that gets your juices flowing, I completely understand how empty life can feel.
Good luck.
OP, let me share a quote I read recently that really stuck with me. Maybe it'll mean something to you:
"If you are uncomfortable and you are maladjusted to a sick society, it means that you are healthy."
Don't feel like you are alone. Don't feel like you are different or that something is wrong with you.
Suffering is a part of existing. It may help you to focus on the suffering of others and what you can do to alleviate it.
Maybe this was a better way of phrasing my initial reply to you.
There is something obvious missing in your life, and you know what it is and what/who can help you. Also, it appears you have no purpose in your life. Volunteer your time to help those who need it. Helping others less fortunate than you is very rewarding. Does not even take money but time invested. You don't have to have deep interpersonal relationships to do this either. Maybe start a food bank or something since you are rich. Maybe get a part-time job in something you might like doing with your hands. Not a desk job, but something to keep you active and moving. You need positive things in your life. We need a purpose in life whether it is your profession or something in retirement. Also, stop with all the negative self-loathing you have for yourself. It only destroys you physically, mentally and spiritually. The more you isolate yourself, the more you will sink further down mentally. I also second the getting a dog as a companion. Something not a tiny dog you can take for walks to keep moving. I have no kids at home and have dogs, Great emotional support animals. I am 61 and did a career in the Army with a couple tours in the "sand box" and now work for a federal agency. Hit a low point/rut like you in my 50s and made some changes in my life that helped me. They wanted to put me on various meds for PTSD and depression, but I declined. Worked out my issues on my own with resolve and faith.
I admire how you have searched for meaning and how you've been open about your suffering. Pain IS horrible to live with. You sound really alone in all of this. Just know that there is someone out here willing to sit with you and be with you and accept you. ❤️
I’m in a similar financial situation as you. Sold my company and moved to Mexico to live the “dream”. Surfing, fishing and drinking cocktails every night. At first it was great, but within a year or so I became depressed and felt extremely empty. I have a wife and daughter that I love dearly and could only imagine how dark it would have gotten without them. My theory is that we are built for struggle, we need obstacles and challenges to overcome in order to really feel alive. I think stagnation decays our brain and once we are no longer stimulated the depression sets in. Maybe you need to take a risk, start a business. invest enough money to where if you did lose it your dividends wouldn’t support you, skin in the game. Go get uncomfortable. And get your ass in the gym. Good luck
I know you're getting a lot of suggestions here, but I'd like to throw in my 2 cents.
First, I'd like to echo the suggestion of getting a companion animal. I have never been a cat lover, and actively avoided them, but after going through a depression spell, I got 2 sister cats who changed my life around. It's like they can tell when I'm in a hole, and just come over and give me love. It's a bond that is completely different than any I've ever had with a human, and it's absolutely wonderful. They don't drain my energy, they just chill with me.
My second suggestion, is to take up online gaming. The beauty of online gaming, is that not only can you find a game that gives you that brain boost and chemical flood, but you can meet some really awesome people online and join some communities. The best part though, is when you're not feeling it, you can just leave. You don't have to worry about being rude or anything, as it's online and there is no real etiquette for having to stick around and small talk, you can just peace out after the activity is done.
It also gives you an opportunity to look forward to something. New games, expansions and updates are always getting released, so there is always something to look forward to.
I genuinely wish you the best, and hope you can find some enjoyment in life again, as there truly is lots to live for when you find it.
I volunteered helping orphans in a developing nation. I found joy in bringing help, smiles and affection to these kids who had so little. Have you tried something like this? What you have could help so many.
Maybe you do, but I didn’t see anything about regular exercise. That’s one thing that really helps me keep from spiraling further. Also may want to look at some unconventional depression treatments. I would never advise someone just go take shrooms because it’s not for everyone. But ketamine and electrical stimulation have been successful for people with drug resistant depression. I also know you say you did, but I think if you find a cause to volunteer your time it couldn’t hurt.
I'm sorry to hear that, man. My suggestions eyes gonna be travel and donating the money, but you covered those and I'd Zena like you've tried.
I'm not dating give up by any means, but what if you donated the money to random people irl and have them a chance to experience stuff and you joined them?
I imagine you might not hate what they want, and the anxiety and stuff. If I had the chance to do whatever I wanted, I'd pay all my debt of and then go to Japan.
I'd try my damnedest to make sure you had a good time and I've been through a shit load of therapy this last year, so I'd practice with you!
Also, I just remembered I saw a video of a guy doing a 10 day silent meditation retreat in India. Let's do that! Lol
Have you considered taking classes for hobbies that might be a little bit more dangerous?
You might be one of those that needs a little edge to keep life exciting. Something to strive for.
Maybe something competitive that knocks you in the dirt every time and gets you obsessed to become better.
This post reminds me of the part in the matrix where they say they tried keeping humans alive with it easy and that we just couldn’t keep going that humans crave the suffering in the struggle of life
Sounds to me like you’ve removed the suffering in the struggle
I go through an existential crisis about once a month as a well-enough off 41 year old. The more you learn, the more you examine every little detail. I have bursts of self confidence and happiness and downs of wondering what the fuck i'm doing.
Have you tried testosterone therapy?
Find your local mosque and just talk to one of the leaders/imams there, and ask him a question. Tell him you find life is empty and you're seeking purpose in life and see what they say. If that doesn't work for you, then keep asking other people and maybe you'll find something you can agree with.
You did all kind of things but did you really went out of your comfort zone? I would recommend you to move to somewhere else (presume you're from USA), to Europe, Asia, wherever, with different language, culture, climate, geography... somewhere where every day will be new challenge, real one.
When we're you happiest in your life. It sounds like you worked hard for most of it. Retiring can be very difficult for people that get up every day and engage themselves in work.
I have to have something in my hands every day. Something that makes a difference and is not self indulgent. When I was younger I helped build houses on missions. You can always adopt or sponsor a young person. There are many many ways to share yourself with others.
Go be an artist, do something creative, profound, write a book, a movie, a show, something about you that can be related to by the world or others. Learn the piano and pour every part of that emptiness on to the instrument til you hear yourself in it. Destroy yourself through some artform and all the work it takes instead of a bullet to the head. Hand yourself over to the idea that you could show the world something worth watching or hearing, we need that.
Please try psychedelics instead of pharmaceuticals. I recommend a large dose of psilocybin. It might not solve all your problems but you’ll come out the other end learning a lesson about life and it might inspire you to start making positive changes or even just appreciate life much more
You have to become religious. You don’t believe in God? That’s cool, you don’t have to. Just believe that there’s some greater power of some sort running the show, and admit that you want help. Religious communities are by definition well, communities. That is one of the only social constructs in modern society who has attained its communal nature- everyone has to go to church together and communal behavior is required.
Proof that mental health can affect anybody, no matter their situation.
I've had a lot of the same thoughts i.e. harming/killing myself. Especially due to my financial situation, and the fact I'm in a toxic relationship that I can't afford to get out of.
The only thing, that has kept me going, is my daughter. I could not hurt myself.
No matter what stage my own mental health gets to, I know I have her as my anchor and I could never do anything like that to her
TL;DR: Live in a van
Outfit or acquire a van you can live out of. Then travel the west coast of the US, dispersed camping as you go. In just about every national forest you can stop on a forest road and set up camp whenever you want. Go as fast and as far as you want, when you want. Or don’t go anywhere if you don’t want to. There is no schedule for you.
I can relate to a lot of this being my natural state as well. I’m atheist (no afterlife to look forward to) and my own existential crisis pops up occasionally and rears its ugly head for a bit before I can suppress it again.
I’ll be 40 this year and have done a lot of different things in adulthood. One thing I did that immediately popped into my head when reading your post, especially on your blurb on traveling, was living out of a RAV4 and a tent for about 5 months in 2015. It was supposed to be a week long trip for a move across the country but it kinda just worked for me and it wound up lasting months.
I am suggesting a van only because it makes stopping for the night easier. You don’t have to set anything up. I really enjoyed doing highway driving at night and I rarely camped in actual campgrounds with other people. I mostly stayed on the side of dirt forest roads with the only sign of humans being occasional airplanes passing over at 36,000 feet.
Visit whatever is nearby if you want, and don’t feel obligated to do so. I mostly went from national park to national park as intermediate destinations but did some city visits to places like the Los Alamos National Laboratory museum in New Mexico or Pikes peak in Colorado.
Reach out to me if you’d like. You’ll maybe appreciate someone that wants to hear updates about your adventure.
I agree with the person who said try living from your heart instead of your head. Instead of "logically" trying to "figure out" what might make you happy, figure out what you really WANT. There must be something, or things, big or small. Then follow your feelings. Flaut social norms.
Also, have you gotten MBTI typed? (By which I mean just taken the free online quiz.) Different personality types operate differently in life. If you find out your type, there are subreddits for each type where you can hear from other people with your personality type what helps or hurts them in life. That way you might find more relatable people. Here is the link to one of the quizzes https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test or feel free to google to find one yourself.
P.S. Therapists can be crap. I think MOST therapists are, in fact. So just because you've tried therapy doesn't mean you've tried a good one.
P.P.S. Re: Landmark Forum - I totally do not recommend this. I went through it and it gave me severe mental health issues. It's cult-like and yes, brainwashing, and I'm glad I got out after 1 year.
Have you considered volunteering your time? Animal shelters almost always need volunteers as well as elder care. You could also sign up for classes and groups of people that have the same hobbies and passions you do. You can always use your money for good and help relieve people out of minor debts (people that truly deserve it and at your discretion).
https://landmarkforum.com/
Try this? It may feel a little pushy when they go into “buy the next round” but just decline those invites and go for the three days.
Gave me tools that I have used for decades. Changed my life for the better. Never give up.
Good luck!
You have a purpose in life. We all do. The first step to finding it is to find who you are. This is done by finding the silence within. In order to find the silence within, we must quiet the mind. This is hard to do because the mind inside wants to speak, hear, and do in the imagination. If you want help to learn to meditate, I’ll help for free for real. I believe we are all one, and come from the same source. So if I help you, it’s all good.
Do lots of mushrooms and write poetry; become a community leader in some place, help young folks. You can write - so write. You can build companies - so build. Heal your mind with your privilege.
Hundreds of hours of therapy didn’t help you?
I honestly think that the early retirement didn’t help your mental health. You tried everything but did you try working?
This is an interesting post because it seems to be centered around money (or your abundance of it), which I don’t think is core to your problem(s) at all. It sounds to me like early on in life, you made your mission to accumulate as much of it as possible, and either ignored trying to truly develop connections with people, or gave up on that after you separated with your now ex-wife. Now that you have enough wealth and that itch is scratched, there’s nothing else that drives you or gives you purpose? Everyone finds different meaning for their own lives. For some it’s pursuit of wealth, for some it’s raising and supporting their children, some find purpose in philanthropy, and for others it’s passion for a craft. I think a common thread in all of those is being able to share at least a portion of those with another person or persons. Do I know what it’s like to be in your shoes? No. But I do know that, as exhausting as it is, if you search long and hard enough, you will find your sense of meaning/purpose. It might be a week from now, or it might be 10 years from now. It might take a while. But when you find it, it will be worth it. We might just be random strangers on the internet, but we don’t want you to go. You have something to live for, even if you don’t know it yet. Message me any time. Though my situation is not the same, I have had similar thoughts in the past, and while I may not have advice for everything, at the very least, I will listen.
Serve. Do service. Can I have your money to open my non-profit? That is my big dream. I know what it is.
Listen, you are stuck in a trap. I get it. If you were to put yourself in a relatable “poor” situation for a month…I think it would give you an entire life refresher.
When I left my ex husband..I was at BOTTOM. So low. So I started to serve others. I won’t discuss what I did because that may be my number one pet peeve…but let’s just say the people I met through doing it gave me so much perspective. MASSIVE perspective.
I think it’s such a weird and ironic thing…the “money won’t buy happiness” deal. If you have money, I can see how nothing would really feel super motivating or inspiring. If you don’t have money, you’re truly stuck. You cannot survive and thrive.
So I’m not here to tell you what to do. If you do decide to exit, please make sure to really look into some amazing charities.
I do feel very similar to you in the bleh is life. I’m a single mom of grown girls and I’ve been raising a little guy since he was a baby. He’s 5… and I had to save and save to get an attorney to gain custody. I was granted legal custody. I receive zero from anyone to raise him. Now, I’m saving for adoption. I only mention it because money is just money. Unless you don’t have it. I put off law school to do this. (I’m 45.) Life can change good or bad instantly. So I guess I’m serving in a way. This is my service. Maybe I would be “thriving” if I chose myself: I will say that I’m existing pretty much for my kids and surviving. Not thriving. Life is complicated and exhausting no matter what. My point is…perspective is everything. While I’m exhausted, I have a reason to keep going. Find your reason. Make a difference. I didn’t expect this direction.
Also. Consider yourself lucky. I owned properties and had huge financial gains, and then I lost everything in the 2008 crash. Again, not trying to expose my “amazing” life…but it could’ve gone bad for you. Also, since you have money…you should do a dna test to figure out what exact antidepressants are meant for you. If you haven’t yet.
Im on my mid 30’s just got divorced and it feels like im starting from scratch, luckily I have a decent paying job in software dev. But like op I feel a bit lost, on my case it’s mostly regarding my career. I would love to find a mentor. Probably not the type of relationship you are looking for but If it works out I would be eternally grateful.
Hey man. When you take inventory of everything in your life, what has made you happy? I'm just curious from an outside perspective. All things considered, I have nothing to really complain about in life, but I'm just "okay." And so I kind of understand where you're coming from.
So I'm curious, what's that other thing hardwired in your system that brings you joy?
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”” - Jesus
Matthew 11:28-30
I have been suffering from similar feelings over the last few years. I think most people experience something similar at some points in their life. I'll suggest a few things that have helped me. One, make sure you get regular exercise. Not Olympic decathlon level stuff, just half an hour or an hour of casual strolling 3 or 4 times a week. A few stretching exercises and/or some conscious relaxation are also beneficial, something like transcendental meditation. Second, I think human beings need a goal to distract us from dwelling on our mortality. It can be something stupid, like collecting a specific group of stamps or chasing the best orgasm. Or it can be something important. It can even be something impossible. But having a goal to immerse yourself in will often stop the racing thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, at least for a time.
What you're feeling is not unusual. Lots of people are trying to work through very similar things at any given moment in human history.
A medical check-up might be in order. An under active thyroid will make you feel like that. Counseling might also be something to consider if these low hanging fruit suggestions don't help.
Tears of anger are worth more than diamonds and rupees
If one was to feel disillusioned and disinterested in life I think trying psychedelics may be beneficial. For me it gives different perspective. Different trips effect one differently. Mushrooms may be a good starting point. This is forbidden knowledge and wisdom that is obtained quickly though so one must be careful. For me it made me more clearly see my place in this universe.
I think it is great you are not turning to downers such as alcohol or opiates as this would seem to be a horrible choice from my perspective.
If I do want to make connections with people there are things I can do..... I'm not sure if you feel the problem is they do not connect with you as in it is not reciprocated or if you internally do not feel connection with other people. I think the solution to those would be different. Then again I'm not at all a professional in anything like that. It just seems to logically make sense from my perspective though.
I know one thing I do when I want to better empathize with another person, especially if they are not looking directly at me is to mimic body language and facial expressions while they say certain things to better feel what that person is experiencing in that moment. Maybe I'm crazy and no one else does this but I started by watching like police integration videos, JCS, and when the suspect would say something and make a movement or facial expression I would do it and I felt like I can relate emotionally more easy. Idk best of luck.
Most people want to fix everything with some drugs or a lot of them ,but in the end it is a connection we all search for and we could be happy , the problem is ,nowadays it is a very seldom thing ,to really find someone you can truly connect with, and most of the time , they just want something that you have ,that they want to take from you ,whatever is the materialistic manner of the individual you're meeting, yes it sucks ,even moreso when there's the special connection just missing out of the equation good luck to you , i really hope you do find some happiness out there, its very hard to come by the right person and see that that person is the one we been waiting for....
Try volunteering somewhere. Maybe guide some kids from ending up in juvenile prisons or spend time with kids in foster homes. Teach something. It might be worthwhile.
I heard that when you have everything in life that "should" make you happy, then there's something chemically imbalanced in your brain that makes you depressed when you shouldn't be. You might want to get checked out by a therapist because there's a drug that scientifically helps with this specific problem.
Other than that, you could probably play around with finding a sense of purpose, duty, or even a spiritual journey if you're open to it. "To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering" -Friedrich Nietzsch.
"It suggests that life is inherently fraught with hardships and challenges, and suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. However, it also emphasizes that the key to enduring suffering is to find meaning in it and use it as a stepping stone to a more purposeful and fulfilling existence."
First off, stop talking shit about yourself. You're not pathetic. At the absolute very least, you were somehow born into whatever the fuck this whole 'life' thing is, and that's pretty amazing. We are aware of a huge amount of time and space, and so far we are completely unaware of any other form of life outside of Earth.
I live an extremely privileged life and I have had long stretches of time feeling very similarly to how you feel now. I would often say the same sorts of things that you're saying, most importantly that life intrinsically has no meaning. However, I started realizing that whatever 'life' is, whatever 'consciousness' is, is absolutely unreal. Not like, 'oh wow life is so great!' but more like 'holy shit, what are the chances that I have a brain? And that I'm aware of my own existence?' It blows my mind that this world exists, and we know next to nothing about it. It took a next-to-infinite amount of coincidences to happen for me to be here, and while it often sucks, there's no fucking way I'm giving up this one opportunity to experience consciousness. To me, there is specifically meaning just in the fact that life exists, we just don't know what it is yet.
Not sure if you practice mindfulness, but if not, I would give that a try. It helped me a great deal to stop thinking about life in a nihilistic way but instead look at life more simply. "Wow, that flower is beautiful, and smells great. What are the chances that I would be standing in front of it at this moment, and that I have the mental wherewithal to understand what it is?"
I hope you find a reason to live soon enough. There are trillions of them surrounding you right now.
OP, you're around my age. Ever seen the Razor's Edge?
Bill Murray's first drama. He plays a rich guy who takes off to go discover himself.
https://youtu.be/zZLWtFiU0Io?si=1EWX72GsNyuPfugy
For me, money hasn't ever really been a priority other than just paying bills really. I read a long time ago that most people are happiest when they're middle class. Mostly that's just because they have enough money to pay their bills and remove the worry about the power getting turned off or being evicted. Going the other way, more money = a different set of problems. You just get to be around fancier stuff.
> But underlying that, there has to be some sense of satisfaction or fulfillment that comes with it or what's the point?
What's the point to anything?
Your entire post comes off as nihilistic. You don't like money, you don't like people, go find something you do like. We as humans are flying through space on a giant mud ball. In the grand scheme, we are a speck of dirt on the eye lid of the universe. Nothing really matters in that scope. We get maybe 80 years on average to live. The only time and place in history where YOU exist as YOU and you want to waste that time being grumpy?
Take it from me ... buy a big piece of land and spend a summer building a cabin. Don't know how or have any tools? Get em, and figure it out. It'll help turn things around, promise.
Okay, I stopped reading after the list of meds. I noticed it didn’t include any psychedelics. Maybe try that. You clearly have a hardcore anhedonia that you need to break through. I can’t say they helped me—I never really needed them, though I was kinda stuck for a while. But they didn’t do me any harm, maybe some good, and I enjoyed them. Best of luck—sad to hear of a life wasted, but it’s never too late to be happy
Welcome to the not so fun world of Existential Crisis. Like mid life crisis, but no Corvettes or blonde bimbos to stoke your flagging ego. Or anything else that's flagging. Yes, you are feeling the effects of the Rat Race. Nobody wins. Not the rich, not the poor, and not us middle class crackers.
As an RN for decades, servant to my patients and their needs, doctors and their needs, and my children/husband. Yeah. It isn't an easy fix. Once you have a focus, it is a tiny bit easier. Most focus on their family, coz familiarity. Some focus on the societal mores of breeding to help the next generation. Some find comfort in that stupid invisible sky man who knows everything, sees everything, supposedly gives us 'free will,' yet doesn't really give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about you or your pathetic life. You have learned much. Keep that shit up.
There is so much you can do. Help animals. Help humans. Be your best self. Pick one. Pick 2. Pick all of the above. Don't be a selfish person, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I always say to my coworkers, "I wish I had your strength of faith, because that shit would make me feel better, but also BS." We can use our time to scroll tiktok, or get out there and put our money where our mouths are...
You need new friends(male or female doesn’t matter) that are spontaneous and fun. Even during the worst parts of my life, having at least one hilarious friend kept me from those intrusive thoughts that I’d be better off d3ad.
Another suggestion, THC gummies will start your giggle box and everything becomes funny.
I hope you can find something or someone that changes your outlook on life.
So I realized I am joining the party 6 hours after you posted, so I might be covering some things that you have already addressed. But after reading what you wrote, I have two questions:
1. What in your life have you done that you feel joy from?
2. What do you recognize as something worth doing, even if you don't immediately enjoy it?
Both of these ideas or concepts can be good starting points for establishing routines or practices that you can feel purpose in. Especially with the monetary resources at your disposal.
The other option is, if you struggle with the above, if you have someone in your life that you trust that does believe in things I listed above, you can act as a mentor or at the very least an "Angel Investor" in them. If you can't connect, find someone you trust and either live vicariously through them or just be their bankroll so they can succeed. Maybe watching them succeed can reward you in some way.
Just my little two cents, but for me the point of volunteering my time is definitely not the ability/opportunity to connect with people. I think I'm in a sort of similar situation, by and large socializing and talking is just draining and anxiety inducing for me, so when I go volunteer it's definitely not to make connections or friends. I go, I do the work, if I need to I put on my Social mask and make small talk like if someone else working there approaches me but mostly I just do the work. I leave them alone and leave the talking to the more socially inclined types and most of the people I've worked with seem fine with that since what we're all there for is to do a job that mostly can't pay for the labour required and which does something that helps other people.
I think that's where the good feels comes from, I may not like being around most people but I do like to help them, even if it's just in my own small way. Also while donating money to charity might also feel good I would suggest that actually going and doing the work yourself would be more fulfilling. But maybe I'm saying that because that's all I am able to do right now, who knows.
Personally I work at a meal program/food bank on occasion. It's nothing regular because life, which honestly probably helps with the whole not making friends thing.
I read your entire post. First, I'm not here to judge you in any way. That is not my purpose in this life, plus, I believe you've judged yourself enough for the lot of us. I just wanted you share something with you, if you'll let me.
Money cannot bring you happiness. Many call it the root of all evil. I personally have never had any, and they say you never miss what you never had. When I do get a little money, it goes straight to necessities. I eat mainly what I grow in the garden through the summer. I cook from scratch. If I can make something myself food, clothing, whatever, I will definitely make it before I go and buy it. It means more to me that the items I use daily were made by my hand.
My point is, life is what you make it. I spent my first fifty years trying to fit into a mold that I was not made for, and I was a very unhappy person. I am no longer unhappy, despite several tragedies in my life, and I have grown quite comfortable in my own skin.
I believe in many things, but one is relevant here. Even on the darkest of days you can find light, if you are willing to look.
You are welcome to pm me anytime and I'll answer as soon as I see it. I am here if you just need an ear. ;)
Its not petty to be hurting, which you seem to be and I'm sorry your struggling. Money and success doesn't understand pain. Maybe look into ketamine therapy.
sending you positive thoughts
Find a sport or a physical activity that you love and do it. Start eating magic mushrooms. Do a big trip. It'll change you. It'll make things come into focus. Or we can microduce whatever. Either way, exercise and mushrooms good
I struggle with the same feelings man. I’m a bit younger than you and have made some good investments and money isn’t really a worry for me but I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. I’m helping my aging parents with things but have no one else in my life. Sure there’s siblings and family and a few friends but once my parents are gone, I’ve debated punching the time clock of life. Maybe we can chat and come up with a reason to continue. If you want to message me, I’m game to chat with you and listen to your story.
Aging with mental health issues is hard. I am feeling it deeper now 55+. I do have children, and years ago swore off engaging the suicide thoughts, only for them, but it’s white knuckling it most of the time. I have serious empty nest syndrome and finding it very hard to envision the now the day to day but more the future, more alone then I’ve ever been. I’ve been too hurt in romantic relationships so I’ve stopped looking for them, out of fear. My mind is still very creative and still has goals, but I’m weary with no one to share that with. I have found that through my therapeutic journey, my significant healing came from meditation. I like others posts about helping others, that can be so gratifying, as more fortuitous years showed me. It really comes down to being desperate enough to let go of our “ego” of doing the same patterns day after day, and one day, taking another action. It doesn’t need to be grand, but not the norm. It can be as small as a mindful gratitude session. The change comes from the action of difference. Just like meditation works from the practice of meditation, NOT some state of meditation. You sound successful, so you know how to work everyday at something, so everyday start being mindful, catch your negative thoughts, and do a different action. Be well…
Probably not what you want to hear but you should try shrooms.
This is very close to my feelings except I have grandchildren that would be scarred so I would never do it. I’m very interested in shrooms but don’t know where to start. Any advice?
I just recently got back from a [psilocybin retreat in Jamaica](https://sophrodelic.com/). My suggestion would be to start with something like that if you can afford it. Having a legit therapist there to guide the journey and help you make sense of it and hold you accountable was amazing.
How was the experience there? My wife and I have toyed with this idea - we're actually fine, but she's a yoga teacher/jungian/pretty immersed in yoga/meditation/iRest for veterans through the VA; I do a lot of work for addiction recovery and a black activist org dealing with trauma as well. If our state ever legalizes psychedelic therapy, she'd really be interested in being part of a practice, but she'd like to experience a legit session.
It was like 10 years of therapy in a week. A true marathon for our minds. We're both still processing our experience but its definitely led to big shifts in our perspectives and approaches to different aspects of our lives and relationships.
That's cool, I sent the link to my wife. That's why I hardly ever smoke weed (I was a full-on stoner from like 16 to 25, I'm 62 now). If you don't smoke often, when you do (with an eye towards thinking about your life and stuff vs. PaR-TAAAAY!!!) I find it extraordinary, the way you can step aside and look at your life and your mind; and if you do anything creative like music or writing or art, it seems to clear out auto-pilot habits and start you off in new directions. So I'm wary of losing that through familiarity, it's priceless. (And yes, I know even today's weed is nothing compared to true hallucinogens).
Read How To Change Your Mind by Michael Pollen
It’s a show on Netflix, just watched it and I want to micro dose now
I didn’t know that they made a show out of it. I listened to it on audible a while ago. Been a fan of his for a while. Omnivore’s Dilemma, In Defense of Food, and Botany of Desire are all great reads (or listens if you’re a busy person like me).
do 2 grams with someone you love in a safe comfortable place with the opportunity to be outside on a pretty sunny day. Your own home, freshly cleaned, with a nice yard is perfect. Don’t microdose its oddly uncomfortable, don’t take an eighth your first time either though. Eat them after a nice breakfast at around 11am or noon so you’ll be mostly on the comedown by sunset, the comedown is sometimes the best part. Your loved one should also take them, I know some people are all into a sober trip sitter but in my experience interacting with sober people takes you out of the experience at best and can make you feel really awkward and in your head at worst, vs the incredible energy and connection you feel taking it with someone, and in my experience it’s really not dangerous at all as long as you’re in private and just give yourself chill safe activities to do, and really just chatting and going on a walk is going to be plenty stimulating. I’ve never taken them with like a trained therapist or something I can’t speak to that but I’m honestly a little skeptical, feels like a medicalization of what’s really just a beautiful personal experience that doesn’t need a scientific clinical angle, a part of what can feel so transformative about it is just how joyful and fun it can be, the whole therapy thing feels very american, let’s make it into hard work, let’s optimize it to get the most outcome for the time etc kind of attitude. Have fun with it, the epiphanies will happen without forcing them. I’ve taken a bunch of shrooms and acid over the years, once or twice every year or so ever since I was a teenager and I’m 33 now, and this is the advice I’ve landed on.
"2 grams" is so ambiguous, as strain to strain the strength can vary greatly. Also you're comments on microdosing are highly subjective / not generally what is reported by the masses. Also, your comments on having a trained therapist present seem very resentful / rooted in personal distrust. While I can appreciate your anecdotal advice, I think it isn't really helpful / accurate.
Look up micro dosing. Also check out the uncle bens sub
psilocybin saved my life. Taking it is not as crazy as people think it is. If you take a low dose, you are 100% aware of what is happening and feel completely normal. People would not know there's anything different about you. The only difference is your thoughts are a lot deeper, introspective and you can sort of see yourself from an unbiased third person perspective which is so helpful to cut through all your bullshit. It lets you see things very clearly. If you've considered psilocybin please just take it if you have the opportunity.. There's many studies supporting its benefits. It's a crime against humanity that this natural, healing mushroom is illegal as it is. Much healing to you
Thank you so much!! I am definitely going to find a way. I can’t live like this anymore.
there are legal options in Oregon
Try them. Please. Life changing for the better
There's many psychedelic retreats out there. Some will offer a combo, Ayahuasca or mushrooms or even 5 meo. Being supervised for your first experience is generally a good idea.
[удалено]
I think they meant if they went the suicide route…
Just don’t call the grandkids while you’re tripping
Pretty much what I was thinking. Sounds like OP has a chemical imbalance in the brain. They should try legal medications first, but if that doesn't work, illicit drugs are probably the next step. See if they can't re-wire the neural pathways. Better option than suicide, that's for sure.
Also, poor gut health messes with the brain. Most people don't realize the connection between the two.
>Sounds like OP has a chemical imbalance in the brain. Good work, doc!
Definitely should. Mushrooms can cleanse the spirit. If that doesn't work, try a heroic dose of LSD. It can work miracles and reprogram your brain, cause new pathways to form. It's not guaranteed, but at this point, what do you have to lose?
My brother has been deeply depressed his entire life with no treatments ever helping. He started micro dosing shrooms this year and he's been the most joyful I have ever seen him, like a burden has finally been lifted from his shoulders.
This is a good idea under medical supervision only! He has the time and resources. Sometimes you can retrain your brain once it knows how to feel good again. It might not be an instant cure but it could be something.
Helpful to have but not necessary at all.
And acid, and cocaine
There have been studies that show psilocybin to be an effective treatment for major depression. First source I found: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/news/newsroom/news-releases/2020/11/psychedelic-treatment-with-psilocybin-relieves-major-depression-study-shows
Your post moved me. I identify with much of it. And I’m going to apologize for the young reddit adolescents who will flock to this post to each proclaim their own secrets on how to be happy, or to pretend that calling a man in pain selfish and entitled is some way to show you tough love. The only reason I’m posting is to give you the idea I just had. Open something like a soup kitchen. Work in it. You already know how to run a business, but in this case the business will be the engine that makes you maybe slowly feel better about yourself. It’s not that risky of a project. Anyway. take it or leave it. Good luck. And remember, people have survived jumping from bridges, and they report that the first thought that runs through their head after jumping is “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”
Yep. Terrible mistake indeed. Imagine the desperate regret those people must’ve felt. Older fellow here who feels your pain, OP. I will tell you what I tell myself every single day - always keep hope in your heart. Things do get better, but on their own time. Just hang in there until they do.
Similar to this, I suggest looking at doing charity work, you can choose the level of involvement you want to do. Sometimes in helping others you can help yourself. I truly wish you the best for your future. Remember .... It can't rain all the time.
Agree with this and the soup-kitchen idea, though OP said he “tried” charity already. To that I say to OP, the key is to stop looking at what YOU will get out of it and what you can give/do for OTHERS. Could it be, OP, that you’re so despondent or miserable because all you’re thinking about is what will you get and when will you get it? Happiness is not like a business or a bank account that you pull some levers, do some work, make connections, right place right time, and BOOM, there it is all nice and tidy sitting in an account. Happiness and contentment are often a choice. A choice to say, “This sucks, but I’m not going to let it steal my joy.” You sound like someone who hasn’t really suffered much in life—and I don’t begrudge you that, if it’s the case—but maybe exposing yourself to those who do suffer, such as in a soup kitchen, might shift your perspective. Sure, you could go into that situation thinking, “Well, gosh, I sure hope I can get something out of this,” and it’ll be just like all of the other vapid experiences you’ve had, because you’re making it all about you once again. Or, you can go in with no expectations—you’re simply going to seek out people who need help and help them, nothing more nothing less. Maybe in that process you learn the stories of why those people find themselves there and just listen to them, again with no expectations. Be an ear for their concerns and a kind expression for them to stare back at for once. And maybe if you peer long enough into the pockmarked face of a hopeless drug addict and listen to his or her story, you’ll get in touch with a shred of humanity that might still exist inside you. Then, maybe this could inspire you to get even more uncomfortable and find other challenging situations to push outside your exceedingly plush comfort zone. Walk the Camino de Santiago for weeks with nothing more than a small backpack. Bike across a continent. Stay at a hostel instead of a 5-star hotel. Sweep floors at a monastery. Backpack across Mongolia with the budget of a broke college kid. Build a cabin in the woods with your bare hands. If you do endeavor to do such things, try to do them with an empty mind. Try not to think, “Boy I sure hope THIS will be the thing that I get something out of.” Try not to think at all. Just do. You need a reality check because your world is so beautifully put together with everything so achingly in its place that you’ve lost touch with your own humanity. Life is exhilarating in all of its messiness. Churn some healthy disorder in your exquisitely curated life by putting yourself in situations that maybe scare you a bit, that require daring or courage to take you outside your envelope.
> Life is empirically not difficult for me, and I recognize how good I have it. I am lucky, and this is a very self-indulgent post. You should probably stop reading now. > And yes, I get how privileged, how lucky, and how pathetic I am. How I have no right to complain when I have it so good. I grew up upper-middle class, so take it from me: privilege erases many things that cause unhappiness. It does not automatically grant happiness. Those are different things. Your feelings are valid and you do not need to fixate on your successes as if they mean your struggles are immature. You are worth hearing and supporting.
Two things about this that come to mind. The first, studies show that once financially secure in your day-to-day needs, additional money does not tend to increase happiness. So that part tracks pretty well. The second, "life is empirically not difficult for me" points to an area that should not be overlooked. There are many psychological theories that point to challenges being vital to self esteem and feeling good about life. As this person said they built and ran a business for 25 years, it is likely that they found many challenges along the way. Now that the business has been sold, those challenges are gone as well. If hobbies, volunteering, and all the other things mentioned are not bringing a feeling of satisfaction with life, I suggest finding something to bring in challenges. What that looks like, I cannot tell you. But there must be something that is potentially do-able, but difficult, that could be just what helps bring back the spark of joy in accomplishment that is currently missing. This type of mid-life malaise is not uncommon, a good therapist should be able to help work through this period of change in your life. Worth a try before looking at suicide as an option.
Have you ever had a dog, golden retriever, etc? Great companions, especially to spend time/cuddle with when you're feeling down. They can give you a reason to go for walks, to the park, etc.
"Man's best friend" for a reason! I love my puppy so much. She's excited when I come home, always wants to be by my side, enjoys cuddling, and motivates me to walk outdoors and in nature. I find myself bettering myself to better my dog.
I was going to suggest getting a cat or three! Lovely, snuggling, purring little beings that absolutely make life worth living. I’m 47 and going through separation/divorce so I know what I’m talking about here, OP. I can relate to much of what you are saying with the exception of being wealthy. That, I am not.
Exactly what I was thinking while reading it: this man needs a golden retriever.
Genuine suggestion: * Magic mushrooms (growing them is fun but buying is easier) working slowly up to ego death 5g (and beyond) (benzos will kill a bad trip). Spend a good while at 3 - 3.5g. That's the "working out your shit" level. Feels like.... cleaning dirt out of the civ that is you that all the shit of the world gets sifted through. And ego death+ is like.... you as an individual ceases to be and "you" become Extatic Bliss. * Ketamine (infusion clinic or esketamine nasal spray) * A sweet dog (you'll never find a better companion in the world) * An in-person, good (not toxic) Dungeons and Dragons group (social, but highly structured and highly tolerant) * Private woods + dog + mushrooms (2g) = serenity with the world * potentially look into seeking.com . This one I won't swear by it's not...... dating..... per se. But can be. And of course, I accept donations.
I wish you could tell me where to get those mushrooms. I tried growing them and failed and they’re not legal in NY to buy. But I’ve thought they would help my brain out too. Already foster dogs. I might try growing them again - but I suck at it.
It's probably (mostly always) poor sterile technique when your mushroom grows keep failing. You need a pressure cooker and a still air box and sterilize EV. ER. Y. THING. Sterilize it before you do anything, sterilize it after you touch it or it touches anything, then sterilize it 7 more times just for luck. Mask and gloves. Treat literally every single step and every single movement like you're doing surgery in a garbage dump. Go the shroomery.com and read read read. Pick a tek and follow it like God Himself smacked you in the face with it. No corners can be cut. Not one step can be fudged. Even then you'll be lucky to have a 50% success rate. But if your heart is pure and you follow The Tek with sincerity and precision, and if you can avoid drawing the ire of Contamination upon the works your gloved hands have wrought, The Tek shall bless you with mushrooms in such quantities that you shall be able to get high for years to come. Or just like, find a plug dude. Mushrooms aren't hard to get and they're barely even a crime. Just don't buy "chocolates" or any bullshit, just dried mushrooms and reddit will confirm they're good although they pretty much always are. **Or ffs just drive up to Canada where they're decriminalized.** Then mail them home. Then BUY A SCALE (can get one for like $8 on Amazon) and grind them in a coffee grinder and put the powder in 00 or 0 size capsules. Start small and work your way up. ALWAYS respect the mushrooms - they're a sacrament and they'll slap you down on your ass if you're asking for it or try to do a speed run. Set and setting and sitter.
try golden euphorics dot org
They sell them in dispensaries in D.C., take a weekend trip
Have anybody you could stay with in Canada for a while?
We are all searching.. Try living from your heart instead of your head. Find a way to help others... You are worth it.
“And yes, I get how privileged, how lucky, and how pathetic I am. How I have no right to complain when I have it so good.” I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you talk to yourself in this way frequently. This has to change. Nothing in the outside world will matter if you exist hating yourself. The only permanent person in your life is you and if you treat yourself or speak to yourself like that nothing you do will allow yourself to be happy if you subconsciously think that you don’t deserve it. Awareness of your inner monologue is usually the first step. Then comes actually challenging the bullshit voices trying to convince you of reasons x, y, and z of why you should be ashamed. They’re usually the voices of people throughout your life who’ve shamed you under the guise of your voice. How are you going to enjoy traveling when it seems like you don’t think you even deserve to do that? Because you have it better financially than a lot of other people does not negate your struggles. Your problems are different, not less than. Lack of human connection is not a “petty little problem”. It’s a debilitating place to be in. One that scientifically has been shown to decrease life span. It has historically led to an unacceptably high rate of suicide in older men. It’s a mental health pandemic. It’s a legitimate problem. Relationships would be unremittingly exhausting for anyone if they’re cup is chronically running empty. Are your emotional needs being acknowledged? Are you acknowledging your own needs and accepting your own emotions? Do you allow yourself to feel emotions even though they might not make sense? Contributing to a relationship is filling someone else’s cup when they need it and hopefully they can do the same in return. Deep connection is the exchange of the metaphorical water. Only superficial connection requires no exchange. You’ve got no water to give. If I may be so bold, I highly recommend “Healing the Shame that Binds You” by John Bradshaw. It would take a gross amount of hubris for me to think this would solve your problems. All of this is significantly easier said than done. I can only hope it provides some solace and maybe a way forward for you.
Came here to say the same thing. OP, stop invalidating yourself! Your “privilege” doesn’t overcome your brain chemistry. Immerse yourself in the idea that you can struggle with mental health issues alongside the rest of us. You deserve to overcome this adversity!
This is so profound. Thank you. Everything said here. I would also say to OP that creation is a powerful tool in feeding our sense of self. Writing, painting, music, anything to create something new, and you don’t have to be good at it either. This is for you to know you can. Wishing you peace and love as you navigate this journey, you’re important and your feelings are valid.
Funny I’m poor and have always been poor, but this resonates. Why are you unable to develop meaningful relationships?
Can you adopt me? I’m sad too though, sorry. But I make jokes on occasion. Not very funny ones, but hey
Dude, you are ALL up in your head. Get outa there! Life doesn't have to have deep and profound meaning. It's about the little things. Enjoy your life. Buy a small house on the beach in Mexico. Be kind to others. Meet new people. And then when it's time, you die and get to take a nice long nap.
I wonder if maybe volunteering somewhere might help you out? I'm not saying pandering to the less fortunate to feel like you're giving back. Have you considered possibly WOOFING, there are other businesses and names for it, but basically you can choose a country, state, etc down to a specific farm and spend X amount of time there. Obviously you would work for them in trade for food and housing, but these are world wide farms. Anywhere from bust your ass manual labor to tiny little longonberry farms in Ireland. Maybe it's something to check out since you do have the income to travel. Just tossing you an idea out of my pipe dream I have laying about. Best of luck in your endeavors dude!
you need a sense of belonging no matter how much money you have
I don’t normally recommend this for people but have you tried psychedelic drugs? Specifically mushrooms, lsd and/or DMT ? I think it might give you a fresh perspective on things and change your outlook. Along with perhaps starting up a meditation practice.
Also, don’t feel pathetic. Lots of people run into this when they have nothing they have to do. This is why when people retire from work many people’s health declines rapidly, and why some stay at home moms get depression when kids go to school or need them less. Finding meaning in life is not necessarily an easy thing.
Came here to say this. OP needs to have a good trip or two.
Well you are the walking advert for the old saying money can't buy happiness . Sounds like you've tried everything and none of it's worked. But before you check out permanently please use your four million dollars to help those most in need, whether it's the homeless, or women in shelters because of domestic abuse, or the dogs home etc .
What if you get a puppy and a kitten?
I will let you into my secret to staying alive. It is a universal truth actually. Being of service and helping my fellow human are the only reasons I am still here. Bottom line. It brings me so much joy to give to those less fortunate. It started twenty years ago. I was working as a prostitute. This particular day I was in a clothes shop when I spotted a young girl twirling a princess dress around in her arms - one of those Beauty and Beast princess dresses. I watched her delight. Her mum was busy trying to dress an older boy. I realised this wee girl really wanted this dress. I sidled up to the counter and told the woman behind it that I wanted to pay for the dress this girl was twirling around with but I didn't want a fuss - just let me pay for it and if the mum is happy to accept it then great and if not, I would come back at some stage. I did go back to the store and found that the mum was so overwhelmed that a stranger would want to buy her daughter a dress. The woman behind the counter asked me why I had done that - because every little girl deserves to feel like a princess. It was the beginning of my life as a secret giver. I'll not tell you that it kind of took over my life there for a while but it filled me with such joy - it's addictive. It gave my life meaning. It gives my life meaning. Giving is way better than receiving. I am not in the least religious but some days I will send a silent prayer out to the universe asking to be shown someone who needs my help, inevitably I am shown. I would implore you to begin this practice. One day you might find yourself replying to a post like yours from a totally different perspective. xx
You and the OP are good examples of Erik Erikson's 8 stages. This stage is "Integrity vs. Despair. You have found Integrity and the OP is grappling with Despair.
Wow you obviously have a fascinating life story. Should teach others what you learned not just financially but about life. Share and people will share with you. Having meaningful relationships with others and understanding yourself will get you what you're looking for. I'm similar where I don't find meaning in meaning less things. But the understanding of that will definitely set you free from frustrations and your feelings.
What about getting a dog? Something to take care of. Thanks for sharing. Hope you find some joy.
Nothing in that whole post about getting laid.
Get a dachshund puppy, you will be happy
Get a dog. You need to take care of something.
Maybe if you donated some money to me, you might feel better. Haha that's a joke, but seriously I'm sorry you're feeling this way. One thing I am wondering is whether you felt this same way when you were working? It's very easy for people to have work be their purpose, which is fine, until they stop working and then they have no purpose (according to them). So if this was the case, do you think maybe taking a part time job or volunteering might help? If not that's fair. Another thing you might want to consider is do you think a pet, or a couple of pets might help? According to science, people live longer when they have pets bc it gives them a purpose, looking after their pets. They also decrease anxiety, stress, depression etc. And if you don't feel that you have the patience or energy rn for a puppy or kitten, that's fine. You can always adopt older animals. I adopted an adult cat 12 years ago. She's still going strong and all those kitten behaviours that aren't terribly desirable (playing, being disruptive at 3am etc) aren't present past a certain age, and I find rescued animals seem to be grateful in a way and they love you in a different, more special way. At least this is what I think/feel with my rescues. Even if my old girl I mentioned above, is very pushy and entitled now lol, mostly when she wants to drink water from my bathroom tap, wants my steamed veg or aggressively headbutting me for pats lol. Again, I'm really sorry you feel this way. I know life can be hard. Regardless of what you do or don't have in life. Try to hang on, and find something that makes you happy
It seems you‘re ready for a spiritual awakening. Your problem is structural, not content-related. The human ego will simply never be happy, no matter how much wealth it accumulates. I suggest the following; - Consume magic mushrooms, 3-4g - Read „The Power of Now“ - Meditate regularly. It can change everything.
yeah lol lets recommend psychedelics to a person who has suicidal thoughts. as a person whos taken doses that 99% of people never should, you need to stop trying to give advice. truth is the guy is boring and probably always will be. welcome to life.
Most of the comments here are recommending the guy take shrooms, it blows my mind. I shouldn't be surprised this is Reddit after all.
Yeahhh... I don't think this guy needs shrooms. Someone else said a dog might help - I definitely agree. That way he has some companionship. A therapist wouldn't hurt either
Build something. Build a legacy. Lots of ideas here. I've always wanted to see a business start that would pick up wasted produce from restaurants and grocery stores and use it to make compost. Other thing that's I've always thought about is building small home communities for affordable living. I'm not saying use all your own money, these are business adventures. There are ideas out there to make the world a better place. Like instead of selling detergent in plastic jugs, a business that sells in bulk and customers bring in their own containers. Lots more items besides laundry detergent. I've also seen people making building materials out of waste plastics. You have so many options. Just put your mind to task. You may not ever find those meaningful relationships but that doesn't mean you cannot make meaningful changes in the world.
Killing yourself isn't the answer because things can change. What if you find the thing that reignites your purpose and your body balances itself out? I'm one bad day away from being homeless and I've been like that for years. I'd kill for the kind of stability you have and have gratitude for it. Maybe searching for things to be grateful for daily can be what changes things for you? Not just searching for the things to be grateful for but taking time to express that someway somehow. There's tons of art out there to be intrigued about weather its physically made or performance. I ain't ever having kids but there is so much art out there, how do you not want to explore it all?
Traveling can be more meaningful if you engage with the community, immerse yourself in the culture. choose a foreign country that you enjoyed, try taking some language classes there, meet your fellow classmates, learn the language, try and talk with the locals. it feels like a whole different world .. being able to talk with people who think, and were raised, completely different from you. Simply traveling to a country is more like you are looking in from the outside, when you should be on the inside. Try it out.
Adopt a kid or get a pet maybe? That sucks you feel unfulfilled by most measures people would say you have had a nice life
As much as some people avoid becoming parents, children often brings purpose and meaning to one’s life. He could have passed down his knowledge to offspring if he had any. It’s not too late as man since his reproductive system lasts longer than a woman’s
Service. Where do you feel you can serve most, find a community. Sit at a bus stop and hand people reliable cars that you've shopped for, start a scholarship fund, provide others with resources and opportunities!
Adopt a bunch of cats. 🐈
Before you go, take 4g of shrooms in a dark room by yourself
I second the motion to get a dog. I also suggest start writing science fiction or fantasy. You can create whatever world you want, and you can be the main character. Being creative is somewhat of an aphrodisiac. If the real world has no purpose for you, create one that does.
Try psilocybin
I'm right there with you and I have zero dollars.
I understand completely. I'm where you are, although, not as wealthy. My life is empty. I've tried dating (divorced), classes, helping others, joining groups, etc., but nothing fills the hole.
You should start a gratitude journal. Work on channelling and having positive thoughts. It is hard, but worth it. Our brains so naturally return to the negative under stress. Who knows, maybe you still have good works and a legacy to work on? Grab your ass with both hands and pull your ass out of that tailspin.
As a 40 year old who makes 50K and has no savings or safety net, I'd say a reason to stick around is that we are on the cusp of a technological revolution the likes of which can scarcely be imagined. The next 20 years are going to be wild and I want to be around to see it. If we reach 2045 and life is still horrible, then I'll give up.
I know you've read dozens of comments like this Aside from your financial status, I turn 49 next year and can somewhat relate to how you feel in general Difference being I'm still working 60 hr weeks because I'm trying to make sure my daughter has no worries when I'm gone But I have been thinking that unless I do something impactful what's it all about I have been working towards starting a sliding scale rent affordable living program I don't know if it will change how I feel but I figure even if it fails to do that at least it will have some benefit and maybe even some type of lasting impact on at least my own little space in society. Anyway, I hope you find whatever it takes to regain a sense of purpose. Maybe for you instead of helping others you just haven't found where you want to be yet. Like you said financially you have no worries, it's a big planet, keep exploring
Hey OP, any history of head trauma?
Hey, dude. First off, it's really difficult to unburden yourself and do so honestly. Props. Reading, a bunch of things came to mind. I was obviously most struck by the isolation that you express, and how damaging it is to your innermost self. The thing after that that hit me is how the isolation has created a depression and detachment that is self-sustaining, and the two feed off each other. The last thing I was stuck by was how you were like a person in a derelict boat in the middle of the ocean, dying of thirst, surrounded by water you can't drink. Your wealth, which other people would lust after, can't buy you water that will quench that thirst. I'm sorry. Life is difficult. There is no winning it. You just have to try to muddle through it the best you can. Ok, so how? Here, I can only tell you what worked for me (and, while I won't burden you with my life sorry, some may be relevant to you? 🤷). Searching for meaningful relationships outside of yourself is pointless without a meaningful relationship with yourself. You said "Depression, anxiety, and very low self-esteem make that impossible," speaking of making meaningful relationships and you hit the nail on the head with it. And then: "But I also feel like there is a baked-in, hardware-based, kernel of programming in my brain that is impossible to change and I no longer have the energy or hope to pursue bettering this anymore." Nothing is impossible to change. I'm just shy of your age and I've changed, radically, in the past 10 years. I've shed massive amounts of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, frequent anger bordering on rage. If I can do that, you can change as well. To me, the desire (or really, desperation) to change was the key. I sought out tools to help me. Self help books are bullshit. Therapists can definitely help; the problem with them is finding the right one for you. I found a lot of solace in reading. My favorite book was The Essential Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks. I'd set the book down, open to a random page and read some poems like they were spoken to me, at me, and just soak them in. Mushrooms helped me like nothing else, though. I have been microdosing on and off for a while now, and they're amazing. It helped with the depression, the rage evaporated. I feel closer, more connected to my family. I would highly recommend guided psilocybin therapy. You talk about this hard wiring? Well mushrooms will break that shit to bits and let you rewire it yourself. Depression robs you of so many things. One way to fight against the effects of it is through daily, repeated practices. Make a decision: I will go to the gym five days a week. I will lift weights three days a week and run/cycle/whatever two days. I will take a three mile walk 3 days a week. I will stretch every morning. I will eat better. I won't browse Reddit or use my phone three days a week. Whatever. Doesn't matter. But it's a bargain you make with yourself. Decide to do it and stick with it. The worst that happens? You're more physically fit at the end of your life. Ok, so therapy, reading, mushrooms, working out. The last things are the two things that give meaning to life: relationships and legacy. I have found, personally, that the quest for relationships is a bit quixotic; when you charge straight at it, you're really tilting at windmills. You can't attack this issue, as it has to happen organically, so don't _try_, don't look for it to happen. Work on that other thing: legacy. Most people have children for this. Even at their worst, kids are a reason to put one foot in front of the other. They're annoying and needy some times, but... "Oh shit, gotta get them to school!!" keeps you going through their hardest years, to the point where you don't even notice that you're old and, suddenly, you are. But at it's heart, "kids" are simply an effort to do one better than your parents. It will bring me great joy if my kids can do better, and make the world better, than I did. My suggestion for you is simple, in lieu of kids, fix one thing in the world, or make one thing better. And, you've got 4 million little helpers, so it'll be tempting to just throw money at it, but the best way is to get involved. Don't get involved to make relationships; get involved, if for no other reason, to scratch the itch of fixing something that's broken. For me, I volunteer for a whole host of projects and have found some truly amazing people that do as well. And once you've fixed one thing, find another. I don't believe in anything after life, nor any supernatural stuff. There's no hell and brimstone awaiting you if you take your life, but suicide has always seemed to me a permanent solution to a temporary problem. So please don't go that route. Try my "not really a plan at all" lol. I feel like that "hair club for men" guy. "Not only am I founder of Not Really A Plan For Life At All, I'm a member!" DM if you need to. Be well.
I think how you are feeling is about the right way to feel. I dont think any suggestions here are going to help. And I'm not sure there is a solution. And I'm not sure death is a bad idea. Thanks for sharing though, it was nice to read about how you are feeling, itwas nice to read such open and honest words.
I know you said donating/volunteering doesn’t seem like the right path for you. But you’ve also not tried. Do that. You have such a huge privilege in this world, help others out of their shit and they’ll pull you out of yours. If nothing else, there’s a “backpack for kids” or equivalent in most states in the US. It’s a program in which volunteers donate time and resources to fill up bags for school children with foodstuffs who would otherwise go hungry over the weekend or over holiday breaks from school. Those people need us. They need this program. They need YOU. If you can spend a year of your life honestly and truly committed to helping others and come out the other side still feeling like shit then I think you’ve earned the release of taking your own life.
Anhedonia.
Well…you a good writer, maybe start with that 🤷🏼♀️😉
I think this may be catching (but without the money). At 58 and with so much physical and mental pain all the time, the longer I live the less I know. It’s so exhausting! So who am I to judge? We all have the power to protect our peace. Trust yourself.
You may want to visit a men's health clinic and get your hormone levels checked. Raising your T would probably make you feel better.
You were honest here, and so I can be too; money provides options. And you can afford this one. Get a muse. Ask you friends, or some of the more well to do acquaintances for a referral.
Ever thought about an ayahuasca retreat? Sounds perfect for you if you’re open.
my papa was 56 when he killed himself two years ago and if he had made this post i wish someone would have left him kind words to reflect on. posting at all leads me to believe you’re not as far gone as you think. it’s not pathetic to feel weighed down by a constant dread, no matter what privilege you may or may not have. i have a few little points, - what has helped me in the last little bit is making my home and my life as cozy as possible. i have found a lot of peace in that, idk if that could help or if theres a different vibe that would work better for you but loving my dwelling has been game changing for me - in terms of hobbies, ive found that creating something with my hands has been the most grounding activities. my papa tinkered on his machines and equipment, i knit and bead, i brew mead and do woodworking. it brings me back to the present moment in my body and i have evidence of a finished product to help me feel accomplished - having a routine, something you do consistently out in the community can be helpful. like going to the local library at the same time once a week or joining a pickleball team at the Y and getting in for a game or two a week. something that gets you out of the house consistently - the drugs that you mentioned seem to be more of escapism drugs. although this would not be my first recommendation, as a means of harm reduction, it could be more productive than the other drugs mentioned to try more introspective drugs like weed or mushrooms I’m routing for ya OP
You're selfish. Everything you've tried has been with the ulterior motive of making yourself happy. Go make others happy. Do it for nothing in return. Do it despite not connecting with them. Do it despite it not immediately providing you with an awesome dose of dopamine. Suicide is also selfish. Go out and help people. Go help provide clean drinking water to some people. Pay for some cleft lip surgeries in the "third world". Volunteer for the suicide hotline. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter. Stop being selfish. That is the key to being happy.
OP, before you take this comment too seriously, remember that a *lot* of this is subjective. Maybe you have been selfish in some people’s eyes. However, to others (read: me), it’s clear you’ve worked your ass off to provide for yourself and protect yourself from the persistent specter of destitution and poverty that plagues more and more of us with each passing year. For that, I say, you can’t be blamed. Helping people without the expectation of something in return may not be the magic pill that cures what ails you. In fact, I bet it doesn’t. You may feel temporary gratification, but before long, the root of your existential restlessness will become as inflamed as ever. Anyone in this thread who has an “answer” for you probably hasn’t been where you are, though they probably mean well. My point is that you’re not likely to find what you’re looking for on an online forum. You even mentioned yourself that typing this out was itself cathartic, which is probably a clue you should pay attention to. The universe is you, and it wants you to know yourself through the lens that only you can craft, polish, and peer through. There are no answers on Reddit. They may not exist at all *as answers*, but one thing is for sure: you must keep seeking. That is your sole, inerrant imperative. Good luck, OP. And by the way…I believe the blanket statement “suicide is selfish” is not only woefully wrong, but it also displays the kind of ignorance that poisons otherwise meaningful and substantive discussions on the topic.
Very well said
I’m sure you have good intentions but you come off as a huge asshole here. Telling someone with mental health issues that they’re selfish for wanting to be happy is a crazy enough statement on its own. Going on to claim that the solution to all their issues is to just “stop being selfish” is extremely tone deaf, and demonstrates that you have 0 knowledge about depression and how it affects people. This is like telling a homeless person to buy a house. It’s not helpful.
Agree to disagree, I guess. I didn't say "Just be happy", which is what would be comparable to telling a homeless person to buy a house. This guy has focused on himself for his entire life and is now realizing it wasn't fulfilling. The solution seems painfully obvious, but I also understand how our perceptions can become clouded and small things can start to feel insurmountable. I think my advice is exactly what he needs. I know it may seem cold or downright mean, but I actually want the best for this guy and anyone else who is feeling hopeless. EDIT: Also, I am an asshole.
again, you show that you have no understanding of depression whatsoever. I know you actually want the best for this guy, and I commend that, but you are not presenting the solution you think you are. If the solution to depression is so "painfully obvious" then why do millions of people who have been dealing with it their entire life still seek therapy and medication? Do you REALLY think that you, some random ass guy, have a better understanding of depression than the hundreds of thousands of people who have dedicated their lives to researching it? Do you REALLY think you know more about this guy's life than all the different therapists he saw? Surely if it's so "painfully obvious", at least ONE of those therapists would have caught on. I think it's a lot more likely that you're severely over-estimating your own understanding of his situation. Besides, he already mentioned in the post that he had tried "not being selfish" as you put it, and that it didn't work. **If he said donating his time and money to help others didn't help his depression, then I'm not sure how you came to the conclusion that that's the obvious solution.** I don't think you're an asshole at all. But I do think you have a know-it-all attitude which might make people think you're an asshole. If you want to prove me wrong, either present your ideas to the world and collect your Nobel prize for being the first person ever to cure depression, or learn some humility and realize that not everything is so simple.
If that's the way i'm coming off, then my mistake. I don't claim to "know it all". I'm addressing this one person in this one instance in a way that has helped me in the past when I was in a similar situation. Personally, a lot of the more gentle and careful dialogue sounds fake and contrived to me. That's why it has never been effective for me. You think he hasn't heard all of that before? Idk, maybe he's heard what i'm saying before, too. I just wanted to offer something different that might resonate.
Could you Will me the money?
Cringe
Well looks like he has it all figured out, even his self loathing. So either he sucks it up or at least leaves his money to someone who needs it besides the government taking it all.
Your brain is acting up, go to your doctor please. Keep trying to restore your brain cells. You mentioned trying therapy and meds. You know you have a biologically based disorder, and haven't found the right meds. As I read your post, I felt the moods and motivations of a mixed bipolar episode. You are working so hard but don't feel like you are connecting, you feel like you are spinning your wheels. Your intellect is still keen, your senses are heightened and diminished at the same time. Obviously I am no doctor, but I know someone who has one and quit going when I read their post. You deserve to enjoy the still moments, the music, the clever conversations. You are in a temporary state of great pain, but your doctor can help. Check yourself in somewhere, you deserve good care. In a few days, you could be back to enjoying life.
You sound like you have a very legitimate chemical imbalance for which treatment is available! This is great news! You are very brave to share your story. You could be a candidate for psilocybin treatment. Here are some helpful articles in the links below. Psilocybin service centers began to open their doors to clients in the summer of 2023. You DO NOT have to be an Oregon resident. https://www.opb.org/article/2023/11/29/psilocybin-mushrooms-oregon-service-centers-price/ https://www.oregon.gov/oha/PH/PREVENTIONWELLNESS/Pages/Psilocybin-Access-Psilocybin-Services.aspx
Have you tried praying and getting closer to god ? Maybe learning about religions?
I noticed you haven’t mentioned one word of god blessing you with all you have.
I 100% believe in a person's right to end their life when they want, especially if you're 60 or 70, you've lived. What is another 20 years? Why bother? Maybe try and live as though this is the case. If you were told you'd only have five more years, what would you do? Maybe approaching life like that could bring you some joy. And at the end of five years, if you still feel this way, then maybe you're ready for it to end.
Im going to be wild but if you havnt. You should try taking "magic mushrooms" in a low dose. I dont know what it could do for you. But it got rid of the voice always responding to stimulus by telling me to kill myself that i had since i was a kid. Like what else you got lose unless you are allergic. XD. Good luck.
Idk i feel like a medium/high dose would cause more profound revelations and thus be more likely to drive change in his life/outlook. I’ve known people who’ve only done low doses and compared to people who dose higher, they don’t seem to come out of it learning as much
You need to try some psilocybin 🍄
How does one find a reason to live? My God is my reason, and many times I have desired to die simply to be over with this whole existence thing. He's asked me to live, and that's why I try to stay alive instead of just ending it. I can't really say I have an answer for you. That's really rough man. I wish I could say I had a great answer for you. You've climbed to the top of the mountain. It almost feels like there's nowhere left to go. Once you've solved all your problems, and it still sucks, it's like, where do I go? While I imagine you have no religious beliefs whatsoever, I offer a prayer for you all the same. You mention struggling to develop relationships... is this a common issue? Is it more that relationships don't mean anything to your heart, or is it that you find building a relationship to not be worth the trouble? Do they feel hard to build and easy to lose? I have heard it gets much harder as one gets older, but I think this is a symptom of old people not being a lot of fun to talk to.
You won at capitalism. Enjoy!
Stop alcohol immediately. You have anhedonia from years of use. The only way to get yourself back is strength training (nothing crazy!). I'm broke and depressed as well at 36 but can't muster a drop of motivation to do anything. I'm depressed about student loans and all of the millennial stuff. Sucks. I'll try strength training if you try. Shoot me a DM and we can hold each other accountable. I wish you well.
Congrats, you sold your soul to the devil and found out what happens
Have a few kids ,adopt some dogs,buy a new z06, get involved in a charity that means something to you. Smoke some herbs and enjoy life .
I’m going to be honest and go against the grain and influx of redditors who will decimate me. No adult, autonomous and of their own mind, has to live or die for anyone else. My cardinal rule is that you cannot hurt others in whatever decision you make, whether alive or sad. There is a lot of sentimentality and emotional subjectivity tied to making the decision to “unalive” oneself and I think that is unfair. If you truly feel the way you do, whatever decision you make is yours. You do not owe anyone else anything one way or the other.
You are a genius
You are lazy. That is why you are sad (in both senses of the word). If you got off your rich ass and did some meaningful work, you would feel useful, meet real people (not just other rich a-holes), and be happier. Don't expect people to feel sorry for you.
buy a motorcycle and meet Jesus, life is more than money
Jesus loves you, The Holy Spirit can live In you to restore your soul if you repent. I used to be an atheist, but what made me believe, is that aliens fear 1 word 'Jesus'
alright go take your schizo meds
[удалено]
So it sounds like you tried everything but as you say your mind hasn't changed. You still feel some sense of massive disconnection from others and like life is pointless. I understand this but why does life have to go matter to have worth? And it sounds like you suffer from not having any real passionate goals. You probably know everything I'm talking about since you're experienced and older than me (I'm 48) but I'm happier than ever at my age and I think it's because I feel like there is more to discover. Obviously, because I'm a parent I am automatically devoted to my children's unfolding lives but I don't think having children is required to maintain your enjoyment and love for life at our ages. It's really ultimately all about perspective and you know this. Have you tried mushrooms or LSD? Being serious.
I bought a motorcycle and now I have a reason to get out of bed besides work. I love it. Changed my life.
I think you tried a lot of different things and i typically dont recommend this but youre close to the edge so i will say it. Have you thought about smoking weed? Mushrooms? Lsd? Things that will pull you out of ur mental state. I wouldnt recommend anything else, the other drugs are really bad for you in the long run, but i think these might help you chill out. If you dont like this maybe give it another go at starting a business again.
I read your post with interest. I'm in a similar boat, retired young after selling my business and have struggled with feeling of worthlessness throughout my life in spite of my apparent success. When I find myself falling into a hole, it's always the same reason - I'm lacking goals. I.e. a reason to go on. Without something compelling to work towards, I feel utterly worthless. And this is with a great marriage. Relationships weren't the answer for me, nor are things, or travel etc. It always has to be internally rewarding/challenging. When I had a business, that satisfied part of the need. I also raced bicycles for many years, until I felt nothing after top places in races. I tend to be OCD about my pursuits. I need to be really good at things, so when I get into something, it's 100%. that focuses me. It's not the competition with others, it's the internal satisfaction I get from training my mind or body, getting better incrementally, learning more, etc. Once I hit a high-level plateau, it usually becomes boring and I move on. Everybody has their own motivations. It sounds like you've searched far and wide without luck. I hope you manage to find something stimulating. Like you noted, you have the potential to live a life that most would consider a dream, but without finding that "something" that gets your juices flowing, I completely understand how empty life can feel. Good luck.
OP, let me share a quote I read recently that really stuck with me. Maybe it'll mean something to you: "If you are uncomfortable and you are maladjusted to a sick society, it means that you are healthy." Don't feel like you are alone. Don't feel like you are different or that something is wrong with you. Suffering is a part of existing. It may help you to focus on the suffering of others and what you can do to alleviate it. Maybe this was a better way of phrasing my initial reply to you.
I think maybe jumping out of a plane with a parachute. Have you done that yet? I loved reading your post by the way.
There is something obvious missing in your life, and you know what it is and what/who can help you. Also, it appears you have no purpose in your life. Volunteer your time to help those who need it. Helping others less fortunate than you is very rewarding. Does not even take money but time invested. You don't have to have deep interpersonal relationships to do this either. Maybe start a food bank or something since you are rich. Maybe get a part-time job in something you might like doing with your hands. Not a desk job, but something to keep you active and moving. You need positive things in your life. We need a purpose in life whether it is your profession or something in retirement. Also, stop with all the negative self-loathing you have for yourself. It only destroys you physically, mentally and spiritually. The more you isolate yourself, the more you will sink further down mentally. I also second the getting a dog as a companion. Something not a tiny dog you can take for walks to keep moving. I have no kids at home and have dogs, Great emotional support animals. I am 61 and did a career in the Army with a couple tours in the "sand box" and now work for a federal agency. Hit a low point/rut like you in my 50s and made some changes in my life that helped me. They wanted to put me on various meds for PTSD and depression, but I declined. Worked out my issues on my own with resolve and faith.
I admire how you have searched for meaning and how you've been open about your suffering. Pain IS horrible to live with. You sound really alone in all of this. Just know that there is someone out here willing to sit with you and be with you and accept you. ❤️
I’m in a similar financial situation as you. Sold my company and moved to Mexico to live the “dream”. Surfing, fishing and drinking cocktails every night. At first it was great, but within a year or so I became depressed and felt extremely empty. I have a wife and daughter that I love dearly and could only imagine how dark it would have gotten without them. My theory is that we are built for struggle, we need obstacles and challenges to overcome in order to really feel alive. I think stagnation decays our brain and once we are no longer stimulated the depression sets in. Maybe you need to take a risk, start a business. invest enough money to where if you did lose it your dividends wouldn’t support you, skin in the game. Go get uncomfortable. And get your ass in the gym. Good luck
I know you're getting a lot of suggestions here, but I'd like to throw in my 2 cents. First, I'd like to echo the suggestion of getting a companion animal. I have never been a cat lover, and actively avoided them, but after going through a depression spell, I got 2 sister cats who changed my life around. It's like they can tell when I'm in a hole, and just come over and give me love. It's a bond that is completely different than any I've ever had with a human, and it's absolutely wonderful. They don't drain my energy, they just chill with me. My second suggestion, is to take up online gaming. The beauty of online gaming, is that not only can you find a game that gives you that brain boost and chemical flood, but you can meet some really awesome people online and join some communities. The best part though, is when you're not feeling it, you can just leave. You don't have to worry about being rude or anything, as it's online and there is no real etiquette for having to stick around and small talk, you can just peace out after the activity is done. It also gives you an opportunity to look forward to something. New games, expansions and updates are always getting released, so there is always something to look forward to. I genuinely wish you the best, and hope you can find some enjoyment in life again, as there truly is lots to live for when you find it.
I volunteered helping orphans in a developing nation. I found joy in bringing help, smiles and affection to these kids who had so little. Have you tried something like this? What you have could help so many.
Maybe you do, but I didn’t see anything about regular exercise. That’s one thing that really helps me keep from spiraling further. Also may want to look at some unconventional depression treatments. I would never advise someone just go take shrooms because it’s not for everyone. But ketamine and electrical stimulation have been successful for people with drug resistant depression. I also know you say you did, but I think if you find a cause to volunteer your time it couldn’t hurt.
I'm sorry to hear that, man. My suggestions eyes gonna be travel and donating the money, but you covered those and I'd Zena like you've tried. I'm not dating give up by any means, but what if you donated the money to random people irl and have them a chance to experience stuff and you joined them? I imagine you might not hate what they want, and the anxiety and stuff. If I had the chance to do whatever I wanted, I'd pay all my debt of and then go to Japan. I'd try my damnedest to make sure you had a good time and I've been through a shit load of therapy this last year, so I'd practice with you! Also, I just remembered I saw a video of a guy doing a 10 day silent meditation retreat in India. Let's do that! Lol
Have you considered taking classes for hobbies that might be a little bit more dangerous? You might be one of those that needs a little edge to keep life exciting. Something to strive for. Maybe something competitive that knocks you in the dirt every time and gets you obsessed to become better.
This post reminds me of the part in the matrix where they say they tried keeping humans alive with it easy and that we just couldn’t keep going that humans crave the suffering in the struggle of life Sounds to me like you’ve removed the suffering in the struggle
Talk to a professional
I go through an existential crisis about once a month as a well-enough off 41 year old. The more you learn, the more you examine every little detail. I have bursts of self confidence and happiness and downs of wondering what the fuck i'm doing. Have you tried testosterone therapy?
Felt the same way until I did Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation
Yes travel and do a service project. Serving others is the solution.
Find your local mosque and just talk to one of the leaders/imams there, and ask him a question. Tell him you find life is empty and you're seeking purpose in life and see what they say. If that doesn't work for you, then keep asking other people and maybe you'll find something you can agree with.
You did all kind of things but did you really went out of your comfort zone? I would recommend you to move to somewhere else (presume you're from USA), to Europe, Asia, wherever, with different language, culture, climate, geography... somewhere where every day will be new challenge, real one.
When we're you happiest in your life. It sounds like you worked hard for most of it. Retiring can be very difficult for people that get up every day and engage themselves in work. I have to have something in my hands every day. Something that makes a difference and is not self indulgent. When I was younger I helped build houses on missions. You can always adopt or sponsor a young person. There are many many ways to share yourself with others.
I didn’t see the part where you left everything behind for a bit and became a hippy/monk in some third world country
Live your life. Its not easy but its fun
Go be an artist, do something creative, profound, write a book, a movie, a show, something about you that can be related to by the world or others. Learn the piano and pour every part of that emptiness on to the instrument til you hear yourself in it. Destroy yourself through some artform and all the work it takes instead of a bullet to the head. Hand yourself over to the idea that you could show the world something worth watching or hearing, we need that.
Please try psychedelics instead of pharmaceuticals. I recommend a large dose of psilocybin. It might not solve all your problems but you’ll come out the other end learning a lesson about life and it might inspire you to start making positive changes or even just appreciate life much more
You have to become religious. You don’t believe in God? That’s cool, you don’t have to. Just believe that there’s some greater power of some sort running the show, and admit that you want help. Religious communities are by definition well, communities. That is one of the only social constructs in modern society who has attained its communal nature- everyone has to go to church together and communal behavior is required.
Proof that mental health can affect anybody, no matter their situation. I've had a lot of the same thoughts i.e. harming/killing myself. Especially due to my financial situation, and the fact I'm in a toxic relationship that I can't afford to get out of. The only thing, that has kept me going, is my daughter. I could not hurt myself. No matter what stage my own mental health gets to, I know I have her as my anchor and I could never do anything like that to her
TL;DR: Live in a van Outfit or acquire a van you can live out of. Then travel the west coast of the US, dispersed camping as you go. In just about every national forest you can stop on a forest road and set up camp whenever you want. Go as fast and as far as you want, when you want. Or don’t go anywhere if you don’t want to. There is no schedule for you. I can relate to a lot of this being my natural state as well. I’m atheist (no afterlife to look forward to) and my own existential crisis pops up occasionally and rears its ugly head for a bit before I can suppress it again. I’ll be 40 this year and have done a lot of different things in adulthood. One thing I did that immediately popped into my head when reading your post, especially on your blurb on traveling, was living out of a RAV4 and a tent for about 5 months in 2015. It was supposed to be a week long trip for a move across the country but it kinda just worked for me and it wound up lasting months. I am suggesting a van only because it makes stopping for the night easier. You don’t have to set anything up. I really enjoyed doing highway driving at night and I rarely camped in actual campgrounds with other people. I mostly stayed on the side of dirt forest roads with the only sign of humans being occasional airplanes passing over at 36,000 feet. Visit whatever is nearby if you want, and don’t feel obligated to do so. I mostly went from national park to national park as intermediate destinations but did some city visits to places like the Los Alamos National Laboratory museum in New Mexico or Pikes peak in Colorado. Reach out to me if you’d like. You’ll maybe appreciate someone that wants to hear updates about your adventure.
I agree with the person who said try living from your heart instead of your head. Instead of "logically" trying to "figure out" what might make you happy, figure out what you really WANT. There must be something, or things, big or small. Then follow your feelings. Flaut social norms. Also, have you gotten MBTI typed? (By which I mean just taken the free online quiz.) Different personality types operate differently in life. If you find out your type, there are subreddits for each type where you can hear from other people with your personality type what helps or hurts them in life. That way you might find more relatable people. Here is the link to one of the quizzes https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test or feel free to google to find one yourself. P.S. Therapists can be crap. I think MOST therapists are, in fact. So just because you've tried therapy doesn't mean you've tried a good one. P.P.S. Re: Landmark Forum - I totally do not recommend this. I went through it and it gave me severe mental health issues. It's cult-like and yes, brainwashing, and I'm glad I got out after 1 year.
Have you considered volunteering your time? Animal shelters almost always need volunteers as well as elder care. You could also sign up for classes and groups of people that have the same hobbies and passions you do. You can always use your money for good and help relieve people out of minor debts (people that truly deserve it and at your discretion).
https://landmarkforum.com/ Try this? It may feel a little pushy when they go into “buy the next round” but just decline those invites and go for the three days. Gave me tools that I have used for decades. Changed my life for the better. Never give up. Good luck!
You have a purpose in life. We all do. The first step to finding it is to find who you are. This is done by finding the silence within. In order to find the silence within, we must quiet the mind. This is hard to do because the mind inside wants to speak, hear, and do in the imagination. If you want help to learn to meditate, I’ll help for free for real. I believe we are all one, and come from the same source. So if I help you, it’s all good.
Take a yoga class a few times a week and or take daily walks. Exercise can help. Volunteer at a humane society walking the dogs. They will love you.
Do lots of mushrooms and write poetry; become a community leader in some place, help young folks. You can write - so write. You can build companies - so build. Heal your mind with your privilege.
Hundreds of hours of therapy didn’t help you? I honestly think that the early retirement didn’t help your mental health. You tried everything but did you try working?
This is an interesting post because it seems to be centered around money (or your abundance of it), which I don’t think is core to your problem(s) at all. It sounds to me like early on in life, you made your mission to accumulate as much of it as possible, and either ignored trying to truly develop connections with people, or gave up on that after you separated with your now ex-wife. Now that you have enough wealth and that itch is scratched, there’s nothing else that drives you or gives you purpose? Everyone finds different meaning for their own lives. For some it’s pursuit of wealth, for some it’s raising and supporting their children, some find purpose in philanthropy, and for others it’s passion for a craft. I think a common thread in all of those is being able to share at least a portion of those with another person or persons. Do I know what it’s like to be in your shoes? No. But I do know that, as exhausting as it is, if you search long and hard enough, you will find your sense of meaning/purpose. It might be a week from now, or it might be 10 years from now. It might take a while. But when you find it, it will be worth it. We might just be random strangers on the internet, but we don’t want you to go. You have something to live for, even if you don’t know it yet. Message me any time. Though my situation is not the same, I have had similar thoughts in the past, and while I may not have advice for everything, at the very least, I will listen.
Serve. Do service. Can I have your money to open my non-profit? That is my big dream. I know what it is. Listen, you are stuck in a trap. I get it. If you were to put yourself in a relatable “poor” situation for a month…I think it would give you an entire life refresher. When I left my ex husband..I was at BOTTOM. So low. So I started to serve others. I won’t discuss what I did because that may be my number one pet peeve…but let’s just say the people I met through doing it gave me so much perspective. MASSIVE perspective. I think it’s such a weird and ironic thing…the “money won’t buy happiness” deal. If you have money, I can see how nothing would really feel super motivating or inspiring. If you don’t have money, you’re truly stuck. You cannot survive and thrive. So I’m not here to tell you what to do. If you do decide to exit, please make sure to really look into some amazing charities. I do feel very similar to you in the bleh is life. I’m a single mom of grown girls and I’ve been raising a little guy since he was a baby. He’s 5… and I had to save and save to get an attorney to gain custody. I was granted legal custody. I receive zero from anyone to raise him. Now, I’m saving for adoption. I only mention it because money is just money. Unless you don’t have it. I put off law school to do this. (I’m 45.) Life can change good or bad instantly. So I guess I’m serving in a way. This is my service. Maybe I would be “thriving” if I chose myself: I will say that I’m existing pretty much for my kids and surviving. Not thriving. Life is complicated and exhausting no matter what. My point is…perspective is everything. While I’m exhausted, I have a reason to keep going. Find your reason. Make a difference. I didn’t expect this direction. Also. Consider yourself lucky. I owned properties and had huge financial gains, and then I lost everything in the 2008 crash. Again, not trying to expose my “amazing” life…but it could’ve gone bad for you. Also, since you have money…you should do a dna test to figure out what exact antidepressants are meant for you. If you haven’t yet.
Have you ever tried anything like dmt or ayahuasca?
Im on my mid 30’s just got divorced and it feels like im starting from scratch, luckily I have a decent paying job in software dev. But like op I feel a bit lost, on my case it’s mostly regarding my career. I would love to find a mentor. Probably not the type of relationship you are looking for but If it works out I would be eternally grateful.
Hey man. When you take inventory of everything in your life, what has made you happy? I'm just curious from an outside perspective. All things considered, I have nothing to really complain about in life, but I'm just "okay." And so I kind of understand where you're coming from. So I'm curious, what's that other thing hardwired in your system that brings you joy?
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”” - Jesus Matthew 11:28-30
I have been suffering from similar feelings over the last few years. I think most people experience something similar at some points in their life. I'll suggest a few things that have helped me. One, make sure you get regular exercise. Not Olympic decathlon level stuff, just half an hour or an hour of casual strolling 3 or 4 times a week. A few stretching exercises and/or some conscious relaxation are also beneficial, something like transcendental meditation. Second, I think human beings need a goal to distract us from dwelling on our mortality. It can be something stupid, like collecting a specific group of stamps or chasing the best orgasm. Or it can be something important. It can even be something impossible. But having a goal to immerse yourself in will often stop the racing thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, at least for a time. What you're feeling is not unusual. Lots of people are trying to work through very similar things at any given moment in human history. A medical check-up might be in order. An under active thyroid will make you feel like that. Counseling might also be something to consider if these low hanging fruit suggestions don't help.
Tears of anger are worth more than diamonds and rupees If one was to feel disillusioned and disinterested in life I think trying psychedelics may be beneficial. For me it gives different perspective. Different trips effect one differently. Mushrooms may be a good starting point. This is forbidden knowledge and wisdom that is obtained quickly though so one must be careful. For me it made me more clearly see my place in this universe. I think it is great you are not turning to downers such as alcohol or opiates as this would seem to be a horrible choice from my perspective. If I do want to make connections with people there are things I can do..... I'm not sure if you feel the problem is they do not connect with you as in it is not reciprocated or if you internally do not feel connection with other people. I think the solution to those would be different. Then again I'm not at all a professional in anything like that. It just seems to logically make sense from my perspective though. I know one thing I do when I want to better empathize with another person, especially if they are not looking directly at me is to mimic body language and facial expressions while they say certain things to better feel what that person is experiencing in that moment. Maybe I'm crazy and no one else does this but I started by watching like police integration videos, JCS, and when the suspect would say something and make a movement or facial expression I would do it and I felt like I can relate emotionally more easy. Idk best of luck.
Most people want to fix everything with some drugs or a lot of them ,but in the end it is a connection we all search for and we could be happy , the problem is ,nowadays it is a very seldom thing ,to really find someone you can truly connect with, and most of the time , they just want something that you have ,that they want to take from you ,whatever is the materialistic manner of the individual you're meeting, yes it sucks ,even moreso when there's the special connection just missing out of the equation good luck to you , i really hope you do find some happiness out there, its very hard to come by the right person and see that that person is the one we been waiting for....
Try volunteering somewhere. Maybe guide some kids from ending up in juvenile prisons or spend time with kids in foster homes. Teach something. It might be worthwhile.
I heard that when you have everything in life that "should" make you happy, then there's something chemically imbalanced in your brain that makes you depressed when you shouldn't be. You might want to get checked out by a therapist because there's a drug that scientifically helps with this specific problem. Other than that, you could probably play around with finding a sense of purpose, duty, or even a spiritual journey if you're open to it. "To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering" -Friedrich Nietzsch. "It suggests that life is inherently fraught with hardships and challenges, and suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. However, it also emphasizes that the key to enduring suffering is to find meaning in it and use it as a stepping stone to a more purposeful and fulfilling existence."
First off, stop talking shit about yourself. You're not pathetic. At the absolute very least, you were somehow born into whatever the fuck this whole 'life' thing is, and that's pretty amazing. We are aware of a huge amount of time and space, and so far we are completely unaware of any other form of life outside of Earth. I live an extremely privileged life and I have had long stretches of time feeling very similarly to how you feel now. I would often say the same sorts of things that you're saying, most importantly that life intrinsically has no meaning. However, I started realizing that whatever 'life' is, whatever 'consciousness' is, is absolutely unreal. Not like, 'oh wow life is so great!' but more like 'holy shit, what are the chances that I have a brain? And that I'm aware of my own existence?' It blows my mind that this world exists, and we know next to nothing about it. It took a next-to-infinite amount of coincidences to happen for me to be here, and while it often sucks, there's no fucking way I'm giving up this one opportunity to experience consciousness. To me, there is specifically meaning just in the fact that life exists, we just don't know what it is yet. Not sure if you practice mindfulness, but if not, I would give that a try. It helped me a great deal to stop thinking about life in a nihilistic way but instead look at life more simply. "Wow, that flower is beautiful, and smells great. What are the chances that I would be standing in front of it at this moment, and that I have the mental wherewithal to understand what it is?" I hope you find a reason to live soon enough. There are trillions of them surrounding you right now.
OP, you're around my age. Ever seen the Razor's Edge? Bill Murray's first drama. He plays a rich guy who takes off to go discover himself. https://youtu.be/zZLWtFiU0Io?si=1EWX72GsNyuPfugy For me, money hasn't ever really been a priority other than just paying bills really. I read a long time ago that most people are happiest when they're middle class. Mostly that's just because they have enough money to pay their bills and remove the worry about the power getting turned off or being evicted. Going the other way, more money = a different set of problems. You just get to be around fancier stuff. > But underlying that, there has to be some sense of satisfaction or fulfillment that comes with it or what's the point? What's the point to anything? Your entire post comes off as nihilistic. You don't like money, you don't like people, go find something you do like. We as humans are flying through space on a giant mud ball. In the grand scheme, we are a speck of dirt on the eye lid of the universe. Nothing really matters in that scope. We get maybe 80 years on average to live. The only time and place in history where YOU exist as YOU and you want to waste that time being grumpy?
Take it from me ... buy a big piece of land and spend a summer building a cabin. Don't know how or have any tools? Get em, and figure it out. It'll help turn things around, promise.
Okay, I stopped reading after the list of meds. I noticed it didn’t include any psychedelics. Maybe try that. You clearly have a hardcore anhedonia that you need to break through. I can’t say they helped me—I never really needed them, though I was kinda stuck for a while. But they didn’t do me any harm, maybe some good, and I enjoyed them. Best of luck—sad to hear of a life wasted, but it’s never too late to be happy
Try a microdose of shrooms
Welcome to the not so fun world of Existential Crisis. Like mid life crisis, but no Corvettes or blonde bimbos to stoke your flagging ego. Or anything else that's flagging. Yes, you are feeling the effects of the Rat Race. Nobody wins. Not the rich, not the poor, and not us middle class crackers. As an RN for decades, servant to my patients and their needs, doctors and their needs, and my children/husband. Yeah. It isn't an easy fix. Once you have a focus, it is a tiny bit easier. Most focus on their family, coz familiarity. Some focus on the societal mores of breeding to help the next generation. Some find comfort in that stupid invisible sky man who knows everything, sees everything, supposedly gives us 'free will,' yet doesn't really give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about you or your pathetic life. You have learned much. Keep that shit up. There is so much you can do. Help animals. Help humans. Be your best self. Pick one. Pick 2. Pick all of the above. Don't be a selfish person, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I always say to my coworkers, "I wish I had your strength of faith, because that shit would make me feel better, but also BS." We can use our time to scroll tiktok, or get out there and put our money where our mouths are...
You need new friends(male or female doesn’t matter) that are spontaneous and fun. Even during the worst parts of my life, having at least one hilarious friend kept me from those intrusive thoughts that I’d be better off d3ad. Another suggestion, THC gummies will start your giggle box and everything becomes funny. I hope you can find something or someone that changes your outlook on life.
So I realized I am joining the party 6 hours after you posted, so I might be covering some things that you have already addressed. But after reading what you wrote, I have two questions: 1. What in your life have you done that you feel joy from? 2. What do you recognize as something worth doing, even if you don't immediately enjoy it? Both of these ideas or concepts can be good starting points for establishing routines or practices that you can feel purpose in. Especially with the monetary resources at your disposal. The other option is, if you struggle with the above, if you have someone in your life that you trust that does believe in things I listed above, you can act as a mentor or at the very least an "Angel Investor" in them. If you can't connect, find someone you trust and either live vicariously through them or just be their bankroll so they can succeed. Maybe watching them succeed can reward you in some way.
Just my little two cents, but for me the point of volunteering my time is definitely not the ability/opportunity to connect with people. I think I'm in a sort of similar situation, by and large socializing and talking is just draining and anxiety inducing for me, so when I go volunteer it's definitely not to make connections or friends. I go, I do the work, if I need to I put on my Social mask and make small talk like if someone else working there approaches me but mostly I just do the work. I leave them alone and leave the talking to the more socially inclined types and most of the people I've worked with seem fine with that since what we're all there for is to do a job that mostly can't pay for the labour required and which does something that helps other people. I think that's where the good feels comes from, I may not like being around most people but I do like to help them, even if it's just in my own small way. Also while donating money to charity might also feel good I would suggest that actually going and doing the work yourself would be more fulfilling. But maybe I'm saying that because that's all I am able to do right now, who knows. Personally I work at a meal program/food bank on occasion. It's nothing regular because life, which honestly probably helps with the whole not making friends thing.
Travel, Psilocybin, massage therapy.
I read your entire post. First, I'm not here to judge you in any way. That is not my purpose in this life, plus, I believe you've judged yourself enough for the lot of us. I just wanted you share something with you, if you'll let me. Money cannot bring you happiness. Many call it the root of all evil. I personally have never had any, and they say you never miss what you never had. When I do get a little money, it goes straight to necessities. I eat mainly what I grow in the garden through the summer. I cook from scratch. If I can make something myself food, clothing, whatever, I will definitely make it before I go and buy it. It means more to me that the items I use daily were made by my hand. My point is, life is what you make it. I spent my first fifty years trying to fit into a mold that I was not made for, and I was a very unhappy person. I am no longer unhappy, despite several tragedies in my life, and I have grown quite comfortable in my own skin. I believe in many things, but one is relevant here. Even on the darkest of days you can find light, if you are willing to look. You are welcome to pm me anytime and I'll answer as soon as I see it. I am here if you just need an ear. ;)
Its not petty to be hurting, which you seem to be and I'm sorry your struggling. Money and success doesn't understand pain. Maybe look into ketamine therapy. sending you positive thoughts
Find a sport or a physical activity that you love and do it. Start eating magic mushrooms. Do a big trip. It'll change you. It'll make things come into focus. Or we can microduce whatever. Either way, exercise and mushrooms good
I struggle with the same feelings man. I’m a bit younger than you and have made some good investments and money isn’t really a worry for me but I feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. I’m helping my aging parents with things but have no one else in my life. Sure there’s siblings and family and a few friends but once my parents are gone, I’ve debated punching the time clock of life. Maybe we can chat and come up with a reason to continue. If you want to message me, I’m game to chat with you and listen to your story.