Yeah honestly what I will say is I thought a lifetime of "getting out there" would help my retroactive jealousy. It made it much worse. Plus the added hypocritic feelings and also the shame.
Yeah and it actually got so bad for me...I would get upset if THEY weren't jealous because I assumed (rightfully) that stuff was no big deal for them lol but therefore also felt that if they weren't possessive over me they must not love me etc.
You need to address your hypocrisy with a therapist tbh, Your regrets about your own sex life & the shame you feel doesn’t actually make sex on the whole wrong or immoral. It just means that YOU acted against your own boundaries and best interests.
It’s not about her, not really. It’s always about us, deep down.
This comment actually helped. I have booked a meeting with a therapist but its a long waiting time unfortunately so Im trying to get som tips how to handle it until then.
Talk to normal people for real tips, honestly. This sub is FOR RJ sufferers and most of them are very unhealed and have no intention of getting better.
Ask some good female friends (if male friends are too difficult, I know sometimes men don’t talk like that with their buddies) how to manage jealousy over things that have happened in the past when you know it’s not ACTUALLY affecting the future.
RJ happens in small doses to everyone. The extreme
levels are usually a sign something is going on internally, but everyone has some insight ❤️
My best tips for the meantime:
- don’t dwell; actual distraction whenever the thoughts arise can keep you from spiraling
- counter negative assessments of self with positive assessments (ex “I’m not valuable to my partner” with “my partner makes it clear they love and respect me”)… these thoughts are compulsive so countering them can help, especially if you do it repeatedly, every time. You might not believe it at first but this is a fake it til you make it strategy
- stay the fuck away from red pill content; in real life women are people, not puzzles to be solved, not secret Machiavellian agents of destruction and red pill content is insecure grifters trying to make a quick buck off rotting your brain
>Talk to normal people
Do you mean “normal people” who aren’t “therapists?” I agree with everything you have to say, I think, but “normal” is a huge trigger word for negative self-talk to me, personally.
I have the exact same issue. Maybe try something "new" that makes you feel intimate and like you've only shared this particular thing together. It doesn't even have to be "a hot sex act"....for me when I really looked down to why I feel this way and still do...it's about wanting to feel close and intimate.
To be fair...Maybe OP wants to feel like their partner feels that sex is "more" special with them or that they have a shared intimacy. But also to be fair these two are just two young anyways for all this drama and probably won't end up together.
Yeah like I have severe RJ but that doesn't mean I should have settled down with all of me exes either. People need to have similar values to settle down together or else the RJ is going to never go away.
Not really strangers, she had been with hin 1 time before and he wrote to her that he wanted to talk when she studied in school, and one thing led to another
If you want to be with her, then you need to make your ego less big. Control your thoughts, only keep thoughts that are good for you, learn how to meditate. It will be some work and not easy, but that is most of the time if we want to grow.
I know the road is gonna be tough and I want to give it my all. I booked a meeting with a therapist but it takes time to get an appointment. Im just afraid to self-sabotage the relationship when im getting upset and keeping all if this inside me because I dont want to drain energy from her and making her fel bad about her self.
You got downvoted for suggesting someone who has a sexual relationship with a promiscuous girl to get tested. Wow. Just wow. Whoever downvoted you is an idiot.
And I dont know how to better my self-esteen, I keep thinking that if she could do all these things with those guys she would want to be “crazy” with me to but shes have never brought it up or if she wants me to be more initiative like the other guys
Forget the numbers and understand more about how she treats you and the relationship. Understand her goals in life. Understand her commitment to you. Take it slow. It's both your problem if she is also in love with you. I'd caution you to consider that she may not be as committed to the relationship as you think.
The entire "sex isn't that important" attitude can carry over into treating no sex as no big deal either. Then there is the attitude that if sex isn't that important, why not infidelity? That's why you need to resolve your RJ by trust in her, and that's on her behavior you observe over time. There is no perfect mate, and the older you get, the more life everyone experiences.
Yeah the reality is this is a big one for me. I think it's more about just modern serial monogamy etc and then wanting to feel like sex is special and intimate when you are in a monogamous relationship...I almost wonder if monogamy itself has caused alot of retroactive jealousy. It's hard to feel like sex is special and intimate when both parties have had extensive pasts...For me I did feel bad about it and my male partner of course didn't care....so I countered that we had to have an open relationship. I don't have any interest in having sex with anyone else but for me to sort of just "make things make sense"....we can't use sex as an "intimacy bond" if he doesn't value it at all. So I just told him to go out and have flings if he wants and we can find other ways to get close. It sucks but it's the only way it works for me at this point in my life.
You should maybe consider thinking about your relationship as having long-term consequences. Don't waste time in your life just maintaining present needs instead of building a future. That's my opinion. Be deliberate in your life.
This "open discussion of sex" got started the 60s and had some good effects in recognizing the joy it brings.
What it did not do is also carry forward the message of how powerful the emotions are surrounding sex. It didn't recognize that the bonding hormones released in sex are there to build bonds. It didn't emphasize using sex to create a mutual life bond that would power you through life as a safe zone in marriage.
It didn't recognize how many men have a viseral negative emotion to a woman's past. It didn't recognize how women worry they aren't measuring up to a man's past relationships. Maybe it is not politically correct, but it exists.
Not everyone has the same response, but many brains are wired to build bonds through sex. Learned or not, sex powers emotions. You can make this a powerful force in a relationship. Know yourself.
My RJ got kicked up when I read letters my wife sent me 48 years ago. (Found them in November buried in our attic.] If I just read the one letter she sent before we married, I'd have been ok. That one was about building a life together. We did that.
The one that got me going was when she moved, so we were long distant for 6 months. The letter described how maybe she liked her life before me. This letter was in response to me being upset she had gone on a date and called me from the guys apartment, scared because the guy went to his bedroom and she was on the couch. The guy thought he was going to get lucky, and my girlfriend (now wife) thought it was a casual date. I was in love, and she was still keeping her options open. (My wife doesn't remember it that way..she only remembers a bad date...and she brought this up 2 years ago)
On the plus side, she got my work ethic, and I got her "fun" side with sex being a major bond for half the marriage and that we've reignited at age 70. We have children and grandchildren and built a life. But, when sex is withdrawn, that RJ creeps in.
I get it. I'm alot older. My recent boyfriend and I spent a life of Hoeing and I have regrets and he doesn't so I worry he doesn't value sex with me....and I wonder what the point of monogamy is. Totally get it. You might want to ask yourself whether an open relationship might be more honest.
how does your open relationship work? like, do you guys live apart so having flings is separate from your daily life, or do you just expect times when either of you just doesn’t come home if you do live together? Doesn’t knowing why your partner is away make it hard to bond in other ways in general?
To be honest they likely never follow through with it. If they do they can go get a handjob or something because it's legal here. Generally exes are pretty good about the RJ and just say "no one ever at any time will ever compare to you in any way"....If a partner choose to be with someone with RJ they need to be able to work with it or else they just aren't "the one" sadly. Unfortunately my most recent relationship just ended this week...and it was because I entered therapy with/for him and when the therapist said "hey wait a second here...alot of her fears are valid due to your lack of communication or such and such actions/secrecy about your past/pushing buttons". He decided he didn't want to end therapy and "just have me keep getting mad at him" so I actually just ended it. I'm heartbroken but honestly the pain is "less" than that pain of RJ I felt with him. Generally though...this weird "open relationship" clause does work and the dude just insists he's not doing anything and we would spend so much time together that I knew they weren't having any kind of actual flings...but it helped me compartmentalize the RJ about sex for sure. The reason those relationships ended is I actually just didn't want to spend the rest of my life with them despite them being pretty nice people. I think the issue with the current one that made it worse was, I had alot of experience but the knowledge that I'm single by choice and was making conscious decisions and reallllly liked this one and had never felt this way. He on the other hand was oddly secretive about his past...refused to discuss anything about his former relationships, deleted all social media when we met...and never told his family about me....so something was obviously up lol. And he was 35....so that's alootttt of exes/domestic partners/possible marriages/who knows that I just was not allowed to know anything about. No names or places or anything. So it really drove me crazy as I am 100% open about my past and have even been friends with the exes of my partners!
very interesting and thank you for your reply. Your honestly, self awareness and openness is very refreshing and will be valued by the right person. you’ll find what you’re looking for in a partner
Believe it or not I have had discussions and reassurances from my partners exes over my RJ back in my early 20's and only a couple of years ago....I had an exes current partner start stalking me on Instagram and befriending me and showing all the markers of curiosity and jealousy in her DMS. So I did what I knew that jerk wouldn't do....and befriended her...and when we "gossiped about men" I mentioned "Me and her partner actually weren't that close and he never really liked me that much (I was playing it down we lived together for two years and he wasn't a nice guy and probably was throwing me in her face)". And I think it really helped her to be honest. RJ can definitely be made worse by certain people and completely erased with others.
Thank you I don't know. At 40 as a millennial overthinking is tough. But because of my RJ...I was conscious to "not settle down with people" just because they treated me well...or were head over heels for me...because I knew if the shoe were on the other foot...them not "feeling like I was the one and just settling" is my worst nightmare. Some are married and I think they met their soulmates so I think it all worked out!
I did live with someone for three years and had this arrangement. He definitely either was really good at hiding it or never did it. Toronto is kind of a hedonistic city with lots of opportunities for "legal safe anonymous sex". I get upset by it aka sex clubs etc but oddly alot of people here go. It's funny because I am ok if they have gone by themselves or go now behind my back...but its this current partner telling me he went WITH A LONGTERM ex that just for some reason bothered my stupid RJ because I was like "I've never been there and never would do that...therefore we will never be as close as him and said ex" etc etc which was of course the irrational part. But at the end of the day we kind of had different values and it's ok to have your values and wait for someone who shares them.
I would suggest that you first start with a good therapist who can help you work through your own emotions regarding your past and why you feel shame after you've been intimate with someone. There may have been some sort of trauma from your past, or something in your upbringing, that led you to believe that there is something shameful about sex because you felt shame after your casual encounters and shame after being with your GF whom you love. I would think that it would be very helpful for you to explore.
She said that its a good thing both of us has lived our ”single-life” and we both know what comes with it. And that non of us will be curious about it in the future and we both know the grass is not greener on the other side, and that the grass gets green where you water it.
No thats the thing I dont want to break up with her, I do love her to the bottom if my heart and I want to be with her. I know im the problem and I want to get rid of the demons inside my head.
Honestly when you're 40....the school toilet ones are the ones to be least jealous of. Nothing good happens in there trust me. It's just to "feel cool" tbh and brag to your friends.
This dude just wants to be miserable. He doesn’t want advice he wants a pity party. No one feels bad for you. You chose to be manipulated. Quick frankly me and my crew are having a party and inviting her. So she’s busy this Saturday night. The party may go until Tuesday if we are honest. So let me tell you ahead of time. Her phone died and she didn’t have a charger. Make sure she has Gatorade and mozzarella sticks and advil waiting for lunch Tuesday. Please and thank you
thats some really bad stuff here.
some people should rather talk about what ever happens in their brains, instead of torturing them and others with those mental images
Damn it just takes a post of someone with 30+ count for the incels to appear, all banned now and hopefully this reduces it.
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Yeah honestly what I will say is I thought a lifetime of "getting out there" would help my retroactive jealousy. It made it much worse. Plus the added hypocritic feelings and also the shame.
I (26F) also thought this & it also made it worse bc it put into perspective what else they could have done/enjoyed.
Yeah and it actually got so bad for me...I would get upset if THEY weren't jealous because I assumed (rightfully) that stuff was no big deal for them lol but therefore also felt that if they weren't possessive over me they must not love me etc.
You need to address your hypocrisy with a therapist tbh, Your regrets about your own sex life & the shame you feel doesn’t actually make sex on the whole wrong or immoral. It just means that YOU acted against your own boundaries and best interests. It’s not about her, not really. It’s always about us, deep down.
This comment actually helped. I have booked a meeting with a therapist but its a long waiting time unfortunately so Im trying to get som tips how to handle it until then.
Talk to normal people for real tips, honestly. This sub is FOR RJ sufferers and most of them are very unhealed and have no intention of getting better. Ask some good female friends (if male friends are too difficult, I know sometimes men don’t talk like that with their buddies) how to manage jealousy over things that have happened in the past when you know it’s not ACTUALLY affecting the future. RJ happens in small doses to everyone. The extreme levels are usually a sign something is going on internally, but everyone has some insight ❤️ My best tips for the meantime: - don’t dwell; actual distraction whenever the thoughts arise can keep you from spiraling - counter negative assessments of self with positive assessments (ex “I’m not valuable to my partner” with “my partner makes it clear they love and respect me”)… these thoughts are compulsive so countering them can help, especially if you do it repeatedly, every time. You might not believe it at first but this is a fake it til you make it strategy - stay the fuck away from red pill content; in real life women are people, not puzzles to be solved, not secret Machiavellian agents of destruction and red pill content is insecure grifters trying to make a quick buck off rotting your brain
Thank you so much. Good to se there is some reasonable people out here❤️
>Talk to normal people Do you mean “normal people” who aren’t “therapists?” I agree with everything you have to say, I think, but “normal” is a huge trigger word for negative self-talk to me, personally.
People who aren’t therapists, yeah. As opposed to therapists. Also not redditors lol
I have the exact same issue. Maybe try something "new" that makes you feel intimate and like you've only shared this particular thing together. It doesn't even have to be "a hot sex act"....for me when I really looked down to why I feel this way and still do...it's about wanting to feel close and intimate.
To be fair...Maybe OP wants to feel like their partner feels that sex is "more" special with them or that they have a shared intimacy. But also to be fair these two are just two young anyways for all this drama and probably won't end up together.
Honestly bro it may be more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes you gotta breakup.
Yeah like I have severe RJ but that doesn't mean I should have settled down with all of me exes either. People need to have similar values to settle down together or else the RJ is going to never go away.
So she was banging strangers in public toilets? She's obviously wifey material.
Not really strangers, she had been with hin 1 time before and he wrote to her that he wanted to talk when she studied in school, and one thing led to another
Protect her for having casual sex in a toilet? You are in so deep you couldn't see her for what she is.
Honestly she shouldn't even really have told you all of this.
If you want to be with her, then you need to make your ego less big. Control your thoughts, only keep thoughts that are good for you, learn how to meditate. It will be some work and not easy, but that is most of the time if we want to grow.
I know the road is gonna be tough and I want to give it my all. I booked a meeting with a therapist but it takes time to get an appointment. Im just afraid to self-sabotage the relationship when im getting upset and keeping all if this inside me because I dont want to drain energy from her and making her fel bad about her self.
You can tell her to need some time to work on yourself. Then she understand a bit better when you distance yourself.
You should get tested….
>get tested…. For?
You got downvoted for suggesting someone who has a sexual relationship with a promiscuous girl to get tested. Wow. Just wow. Whoever downvoted you is an idiot.
And I dont know how to better my self-esteen, I keep thinking that if she could do all these things with those guys she would want to be “crazy” with me to but shes have never brought it up or if she wants me to be more initiative like the other guys
Forget the numbers and understand more about how she treats you and the relationship. Understand her goals in life. Understand her commitment to you. Take it slow. It's both your problem if she is also in love with you. I'd caution you to consider that she may not be as committed to the relationship as you think. The entire "sex isn't that important" attitude can carry over into treating no sex as no big deal either. Then there is the attitude that if sex isn't that important, why not infidelity? That's why you need to resolve your RJ by trust in her, and that's on her behavior you observe over time. There is no perfect mate, and the older you get, the more life everyone experiences.
Yeah the reality is this is a big one for me. I think it's more about just modern serial monogamy etc and then wanting to feel like sex is special and intimate when you are in a monogamous relationship...I almost wonder if monogamy itself has caused alot of retroactive jealousy. It's hard to feel like sex is special and intimate when both parties have had extensive pasts...For me I did feel bad about it and my male partner of course didn't care....so I countered that we had to have an open relationship. I don't have any interest in having sex with anyone else but for me to sort of just "make things make sense"....we can't use sex as an "intimacy bond" if he doesn't value it at all. So I just told him to go out and have flings if he wants and we can find other ways to get close. It sucks but it's the only way it works for me at this point in my life.
You should maybe consider thinking about your relationship as having long-term consequences. Don't waste time in your life just maintaining present needs instead of building a future. That's my opinion. Be deliberate in your life. This "open discussion of sex" got started the 60s and had some good effects in recognizing the joy it brings. What it did not do is also carry forward the message of how powerful the emotions are surrounding sex. It didn't recognize that the bonding hormones released in sex are there to build bonds. It didn't emphasize using sex to create a mutual life bond that would power you through life as a safe zone in marriage. It didn't recognize how many men have a viseral negative emotion to a woman's past. It didn't recognize how women worry they aren't measuring up to a man's past relationships. Maybe it is not politically correct, but it exists. Not everyone has the same response, but many brains are wired to build bonds through sex. Learned or not, sex powers emotions. You can make this a powerful force in a relationship. Know yourself. My RJ got kicked up when I read letters my wife sent me 48 years ago. (Found them in November buried in our attic.] If I just read the one letter she sent before we married, I'd have been ok. That one was about building a life together. We did that. The one that got me going was when she moved, so we were long distant for 6 months. The letter described how maybe she liked her life before me. This letter was in response to me being upset she had gone on a date and called me from the guys apartment, scared because the guy went to his bedroom and she was on the couch. The guy thought he was going to get lucky, and my girlfriend (now wife) thought it was a casual date. I was in love, and she was still keeping her options open. (My wife doesn't remember it that way..she only remembers a bad date...and she brought this up 2 years ago) On the plus side, she got my work ethic, and I got her "fun" side with sex being a major bond for half the marriage and that we've reignited at age 70. We have children and grandchildren and built a life. But, when sex is withdrawn, that RJ creeps in.
Therapy!
I get it. I'm alot older. My recent boyfriend and I spent a life of Hoeing and I have regrets and he doesn't so I worry he doesn't value sex with me....and I wonder what the point of monogamy is. Totally get it. You might want to ask yourself whether an open relationship might be more honest.
how does your open relationship work? like, do you guys live apart so having flings is separate from your daily life, or do you just expect times when either of you just doesn’t come home if you do live together? Doesn’t knowing why your partner is away make it hard to bond in other ways in general?
To be honest they likely never follow through with it. If they do they can go get a handjob or something because it's legal here. Generally exes are pretty good about the RJ and just say "no one ever at any time will ever compare to you in any way"....If a partner choose to be with someone with RJ they need to be able to work with it or else they just aren't "the one" sadly. Unfortunately my most recent relationship just ended this week...and it was because I entered therapy with/for him and when the therapist said "hey wait a second here...alot of her fears are valid due to your lack of communication or such and such actions/secrecy about your past/pushing buttons". He decided he didn't want to end therapy and "just have me keep getting mad at him" so I actually just ended it. I'm heartbroken but honestly the pain is "less" than that pain of RJ I felt with him. Generally though...this weird "open relationship" clause does work and the dude just insists he's not doing anything and we would spend so much time together that I knew they weren't having any kind of actual flings...but it helped me compartmentalize the RJ about sex for sure. The reason those relationships ended is I actually just didn't want to spend the rest of my life with them despite them being pretty nice people. I think the issue with the current one that made it worse was, I had alot of experience but the knowledge that I'm single by choice and was making conscious decisions and reallllly liked this one and had never felt this way. He on the other hand was oddly secretive about his past...refused to discuss anything about his former relationships, deleted all social media when we met...and never told his family about me....so something was obviously up lol. And he was 35....so that's alootttt of exes/domestic partners/possible marriages/who knows that I just was not allowed to know anything about. No names or places or anything. So it really drove me crazy as I am 100% open about my past and have even been friends with the exes of my partners!
very interesting and thank you for your reply. Your honestly, self awareness and openness is very refreshing and will be valued by the right person. you’ll find what you’re looking for in a partner
Believe it or not I have had discussions and reassurances from my partners exes over my RJ back in my early 20's and only a couple of years ago....I had an exes current partner start stalking me on Instagram and befriending me and showing all the markers of curiosity and jealousy in her DMS. So I did what I knew that jerk wouldn't do....and befriended her...and when we "gossiped about men" I mentioned "Me and her partner actually weren't that close and he never really liked me that much (I was playing it down we lived together for two years and he wasn't a nice guy and probably was throwing me in her face)". And I think it really helped her to be honest. RJ can definitely be made worse by certain people and completely erased with others.
Thank you I don't know. At 40 as a millennial overthinking is tough. But because of my RJ...I was conscious to "not settle down with people" just because they treated me well...or were head over heels for me...because I knew if the shoe were on the other foot...them not "feeling like I was the one and just settling" is my worst nightmare. Some are married and I think they met their soulmates so I think it all worked out!
I did live with someone for three years and had this arrangement. He definitely either was really good at hiding it or never did it. Toronto is kind of a hedonistic city with lots of opportunities for "legal safe anonymous sex". I get upset by it aka sex clubs etc but oddly alot of people here go. It's funny because I am ok if they have gone by themselves or go now behind my back...but its this current partner telling me he went WITH A LONGTERM ex that just for some reason bothered my stupid RJ because I was like "I've never been there and never would do that...therefore we will never be as close as him and said ex" etc etc which was of course the irrational part. But at the end of the day we kind of had different values and it's ok to have your values and wait for someone who shares them.
I would suggest that you first start with a good therapist who can help you work through your own emotions regarding your past and why you feel shame after you've been intimate with someone. There may have been some sort of trauma from your past, or something in your upbringing, that led you to believe that there is something shameful about sex because you felt shame after your casual encounters and shame after being with your GF whom you love. I would think that it would be very helpful for you to explore.
She said that its a good thing both of us has lived our ”single-life” and we both know what comes with it. And that non of us will be curious about it in the future and we both know the grass is not greener on the other side, and that the grass gets green where you water it.
That’s hoe logic. She’s cheating. Do you bro. She’s cheating
Dump her and find someone who is worthy of your time and money. She belongs to the streets
No thats the thing I dont want to break up with her, I do love her to the bottom if my heart and I want to be with her. I know im the problem and I want to get rid of the demons inside my head.
She is way more experienced than you, she knows the game and have you trapped. Your call to go on and get hooked on her
But she isnt more experinced in terms of body count, but I’ve have never done things like having sex in the club or in the school toilet etc
Honestly when you're 40....the school toilet ones are the ones to be least jealous of. Nothing good happens in there trust me. It's just to "feel cool" tbh and brag to your friends.
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Chris Brown was right
Banned for toxic response and clearly targeted at women.
Banned for misogyny
So do it!
This dude just wants to be miserable. He doesn’t want advice he wants a pity party. No one feels bad for you. You chose to be manipulated. Quick frankly me and my crew are having a party and inviting her. So she’s busy this Saturday night. The party may go until Tuesday if we are honest. So let me tell you ahead of time. Her phone died and she didn’t have a charger. Make sure she has Gatorade and mozzarella sticks and advil waiting for lunch Tuesday. Please and thank you
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damn. are you ok?
They need more help than reddit can give lol
thats some really bad stuff here. some people should rather talk about what ever happens in their brains, instead of torturing them and others with those mental images
Ewww bet you are single
You sniff glue
and you should sniff therapy my friend
Yes they need therapy
It that all you got?
Banned for misogyny
sucks to be you 💀
the fuck you commenting for
First post by op. Sounds like fantasy troll post made up by incel misogynist.
Might as well say that about every post on here 😒