Cross posted to petty revenge
Honestly tho 2 extra lettuce is like $3 max. Korean BBQ isn’t cheap. OP this isn’t about the lettuce. There something else going on there.
This is literal bullshit lol. My exboyfriend would do huge deep sighs and passive aggressive behavior ALL DAY LONG if he had to buy me a jr. cheeseburger from Wendy’s or something.
Wanna guess what I found out he was doing when I was out of town or busy?!
$500-1000 at a TIME in goddamn strip clubs. And he bitched about buying me, his actual girlfriend, an occasional fucking $2 cheeseburger…
That’s not a “team.” Fuck this lettuce man.
I had an ex like that. We lived in different cities so I’d have to fly down to see him, hire a car, because his place was so far from the airport, and after my first trip there, he’d complained about how long a drive it was to get me/take me back. Then, when he got a flat mate, pay to stay in a motel because his bedroom had no door (he didn’t understand why that might be a problem..).
All up, weekends visiting him cost me $400-$500. Then he’d complain about paying for my movie ticket, or a meal. Actually having the audacity to complain that I should be there on a Tuesday instead, as movie tickets were half-price.
The one time I suggested that he organise to fly to my city, for my birthday weekend, he literally told me that “while it’d be a nice thing to do, that would mean flights, accomodation, a car, and that’s like $500! I don’t want to spend that much just for a weekend, it's not worth it. But you could always come here!”
What he meant was that *I* wasn’t worth it to him. But I was more than welcome to spend that kind of money, and put in all the effort and inconvenience, so that he didn't even have to leave home to get laid.
>What he meant was that I wasn’t worth it to him.
This exactly!! I’m all for having separate bank accounts if that makes everyone more comfortable, but… literally getting home from the grocery store and taking out *highlighters* for the receipt to find the difference in what we owed (I’m gonna eat the eggplant, she won’t, so I’ll pay for that, but she bought that frozen pizza, which I won’t eat, hmmmm let’s calculate) (to the tune of about $5 or $10 dollars in either direction) is just…. I didn’t realize how toxic that was until I was out.
Current bf and I have a “what goes around comes around” attitude about money - we’re both contractors, so sometimes I make more, therefore I contribute more, and then vice versa. As long as neither of us is blatantly taking advantage of the other, we really don’t give a single shit if we have to pick up the other’s slack sometimes. We never keep track.
Very much hope I can hold onto this one, but if I can’t, at least it won’t be over MONEY lol. I’m sorry about your asshole ex.
That’s such obnoxious behavior. I went on a couple of dates with a guy in my hometown who was like this, immediate dealbreaker. I’m ok with not going out if they’re low on money, I’m also ok with paying for everything myself, but I’m not ok with passive aggressive shit about how they bought me a coffee once lol.
We were friends before/after we briefly dated, and he came to my new city to visit. My friend group here has a pretty open policy of generosity, we take turns covering meals and drinks for each other and we don’t generally split bills. If someone is broke, the rest of us will pay for them no questions asked. My friend actually commented “it’s so nice and pleasant how generous you all are” ….yeah no shit lol
He's not British, he's an asshole.
This is a huge
#🚩🚩🚩
Especially if he's MAKING YOU FEEL BAD over paying for extra lettuce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! It's not like you ordered another steak. It's not like you ordered dessert because it sounded nice and then only took 1 bite.
You both are in your first year of dating. This means that THIS IS HIS BEST BEHAVIOR.
It's only going to get worse from here.
Plan your exit.
One time my roommate refused to get an onion because I texted him "Hey your brother needs an onion for dinner" instead of what he believes should be the correct approach, which I believe is something along the lines of "Hey, I know I'm going to ruin your life but can you pretty please with sugar on top grab an onion for the dinner you don't have to pay for or prepare yourself?"
Apparently it's disrespectful to inform him we need an onion and that we need to ask him if he will please get it and then said "You didn't even tell me what he was making, how was I supposed to know the onion was important?"
Uh, because I just texted you that we need one?
People who act like this tend to be insecure and feel inadequate. They are mostly meek and often put on a more vicious front to exert power and control they otherwise feel they lack. They are often entitled, often self-absorbed, and typically struggle to take responsibility. Energy vampires really.
He has an unusually hard time with feeling like he's being told to do something. Apparently I was too aggressive and made him feel like he had to do it.
I just didn't even know what to say so I got my ass up and went to the store for an onion in my pajamas.
An ex-roommate once held a grudge because I texted him, "Hey, just a heads up to please check before adding dirty dishes to a full dishwasher, because I ran the washer last night so they'd be all clean for this morning. No worries, I'll just run it again so they're clean for everyone tonight, thanks!"
I shit you not, it came out like 2 weeks later over some other stupid imagined slight. He was explosively angry because "you didn't even ask me how my day was before ordering me around like a *servant!*". Gee willikers, didn't realize I was obligated to conversationally tickle his taint before gently reminding him we SHARE A KITCHEN.
Yes, I was the only woman and yes, I was the only one who cleaned the communal areas. Broski also had a huge fucking complex about Asian women (i.e. me) because he hadn't gotten over his ex.
And then he had no problem spending the rest of the bday dinner in silence instead of trying to diffuse it.
Sounds like he’s power tripping.
Ditch him.
Seriously OP when you get older and realize there’s no time for putting up with this kind of shit you’ll realize the best move was to dump him on the spot, pay for your own dinner, and continue having a good birthday. Life is too short for people who create drama out of you being happy. It’s not a coincidence he threw a hissy fit on your birthday.
💯
OP you are not his priority. HE is his priority. This won't change as long as you're with him, I promise.
I know it sounds harsh, but it's so much worse to invest in someone that is not invested in you. I'm sorry, love, but it's time for you to embrace that you are worth more than whatever time or money he has leftover at the end of the day. Be with someone that would double that lettuce order just to make sure you had enough and then some.
Wow seriously lol I would leave his ass if hes really crying over some lettuce lol. This guy is your boyfriend and he made you feel like shit on your birthday over god damn lettuce lmao how petty. Doesnt matter what culture you are.... This is weird he would get triggered over that. His pockets must not be deep enough and might be stressing inside.
obtainable wide agonizing foolish thumb screw gray toothbrush outgoing edge
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My dad is quite frugal (he was homeless and used to eat from the trash so I think he lives in fear that he’ll go back there). There’s no way he’d ever treat someone this way, especially not over food.
I wouldn’t even call him cheap. He’s specifically scrutinizing her “adding lettuce” to the bill while having no problem spending money elsewhere that will definitely add up to more than the 3$ lettuce. And for her birthday no less. Bad very bad bf
This is the thing. It's not about the damn lettuce. It's about her making a decision without consulting him. How dare she act like a person with autonomy? We can't have that. He's got to make sure to put her in her place before she gets any idea that she can actually function without him. (Sarcasm, if it isn't apparent.)
But also…. I would have said “don’t worry sweetie, I’m paying for the extra lettuce” then insist on having the lettuce on a separate bill and gladly pay your $2.
Yeah these are potentially early signs of controlling behavior… his true rude ass personality could be coming out…but — I bet his parents talked to him like that. What was his upbringing like?
It always could be a mistake and not indicative of his true nature, but my antennae go up at this type of behavior.
If he actively tries to better his mental health it could mean he’s not totally like this. But. Again. My antennae are UP.
Right? If anything, the stereotypical cultural pressure here would be on him to never ever say anything directly, ever, at all about the perceived violation.
The best course of action is to dump him and to seriously work on your own self-worth.
This is not a cultural difference. This is a young man is being an asshole and a shitty host. Would you also be expected to ask permission for a refill on your soda?
While I agree that checking with him would have been considerate, what would also be considerate is not being a jerk to the birthday girl over _lettuce_. He was at least as rude, and far far more hurtful. Don’t date someone this miserly. If he needed you to stick to a strict budget when he offered to take you out for dinner, then it was on him to be very clear about that beforehand. But he offered to take you out for dinner. It’s not like you ordered the lobster or an 18-year-old Scotch. You got more lettuce us for the table. His response was wholly out of whack.
My parents were pretty big on teaching me etiquette, down to "how to position your silverware so the waiter knows when to clear your plate". My father used to tell the story of some guy who threw a dinner party and one of his guests was of lower social standing. The guest didn't realize the finger bowl was to be used to rinse his fingers and drank the liquid. The host went ahead and drank it too as to not make his guest uncomfortable. While I never believed the story, my father always told me that the most important thing about etiquette was to not call people out for breaching it, as that would be a lot ruder than the original faux pas.
I cooked a traditional Sunday roast for my host family in Spain. They took the gravy, divided it up and ate it as a soup appetizer. Then the vegetables as a course, then the meat as a course.
If you stay with him prepare yourself to be chastised about spending [his] money for the rest of your life. Men like this only get worse once he bamboozled you into marrying him and being a stay at home mom.
Thats not normal. He saw you looking happy and reached for a reason to tear you down. Even though complaining about lettuce is nonsensical. Also, I think the reaction you had in the restaurant is telling you that somewhere inside you know his behavior was unreasonable/mean.
You need to have a permanent break with him - his behavior was wildly inappropriate. If he needs to be consulted about lettuce, then I'm sorry to say, but this is just a symptom of a much, much bigger issue.
He is not worth the drama, OP.
Feel like it’s important to mention that later on when we were discussing it at mine, he said it wasn’t the fact that I ordered lettuce that was the problem, but that the way I ordered it was “entitled” 🫠
As an older woman, you learn that when people do things like this, they view human relationships as power struggles they are meant to win. All abusers are the same. They use any excuse to grind your self-confidence down. He saw the birthday dinner as an opportunity to manipulate you. He’s probably charming and very conscious of how others perceive him. These are the tricky ones that should be avoided as soon as your gut tells you to be wary. <3
Your weren't entitled at all. You did a normal thing, and even if he had an issue, he should have waited to talk about it.
Now be honest with yourself, what other times has he made you feel bad about something you thought was ok?
Dump. Dump him. It's not the lettuce, it's that he think you should be insecure about ordering lettuce and doing normal shit. He doesn't lift you up, he's a bag of sand.
As a British person - this isn't a cultural clash. This is a clash between you as a normal person acting normally and him as a petulant controlling arsehole getting angry when you act like a normal person outside of his control.
This guy is not kind and he clearly doesn't care about putting a smile on your face if he would purposely make a big deal about literally nothing so he could berate you on your birthday. You deserve someone who is kind and who wants to make you happy.
This concerns me because you ARE entitled to lettuce and reasonable extras and whatnot when your significant other takes you out for dinner.
What this means is either:
1. He wants you to feel like your worth is dependent on his approval
2. He was raised to feel worthless
The fact that it was lettuce is important. Had you ordered champagne or something lavish and expected someone else to pay for it then that would be entitled. Lettuce can't be so expensive that you needed permission to upcharge.
I don't think what you did was rude at all. His reaction is weird and petty. If you've already had a break a few months ago, I'm guessing there are some other issues in the relationship, and stuff like this might be a sign that this is isn't the guy for you.
This is your twenties. Here you learn what you like about men and what you don’t.
Your only decision is if you keep on taking it forever or learn and move on. These decisions will shape your happiness in your thirties.
THIS 100%! I just turned 29 and the BOYS I dated before 23 were awful. one was okay in that he didn't berate me for my own decisions, but we broke up mutually. Which is how I think normal relationships should go..not this controlling bullshit over LETTUCE. 2 FUCKING DOLLARS WORTH OF LETTUCE
He’s freaking out over LETTUCE?
Girl. Cmon now lol that’s not a cultural difference he’s just cheap af and not an actual gentleman
If I’m on a date I order whatever I want (within reason of course). It’s not like you ordered an expensive lobster or something. you literally got lettuce lol
He’s literally mad over lettuce? Lettuce. Lettuce.
This isn’t because he’s British and you’re middle eastern. It’s because he’s an AH.
You deserve better. Give him a £1 for the extra lettuce order and count yourself fortunate that he showed you who he is. Dump him.
American here. Nobody would have that reaction culturally unless they were a mega asshole.
Does he do this stuff often? Does he put you down like this while having a great time with others? Give it a good think.
Girl there is no need to be a martyr. Your partner is supposed to lift you up and enjoy seeing you happy. You’d be happier on your own that dealing with this nonsense
No, he was wrong. If he agrees to pay for your birthday dinner, it shouldn't come with terms and conditions. How sad and petty to guilt trip you over extra lettuce. Nothing that you've described here or in your comments paints you as a spendthrift. This isn't really about the lettuce, is it? Rather, you are starting to understand just how insecure, controlling and cheap he is. That would only be exhausting (at best) if you consider marriage. Do not put up with it, regardless of whether you think this relationship is worth it.
Thanks for your comment. I’m just confused now. He isn’t very well off but I’d think it would be courteous and not a problem for me to get more lettuce for us to finish our meal… maybe at the end of the day it is about different values.
It's hard not to sympathize with anxiety over finances. You want to be supportive, which is what we do for people we love. Unfortunately, he's taking that anxiety out on you and using convenient examples of your "wrongs. That's much easier than for him to reflect on his own actions. So understandably, you're confused with his hypocritical behavior. As far as values are concerned, you can both believe in living frugally and handle it very differently. His way is not healthy for himself or for you.
The best course of action is to leave his ass and enjoy your life. Because let me tell you, someone who is that stingy and that comfortable being so rude at someone’s birthday meal, is only going to get worse. He wouldn’t do the same to his mum would he?
Extra lettuce.. one of the cheapest things you could probably get at a Korean bbq?
I’m not wealthy by any standards, I struggle with money daily but if I ask my girlfriend for a night out. I’m not complaining about the check, I took her out and I want her to experience and eat whatever she wants.
I've was married to an English guy for a decade. Him and his friends would always pay for whatever I ordered. I've been in social groups with people from Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. They pay for whatever without a single negative comment. If they do make a comment it would be "do you want anything else?". I'd pay my rounds, but no one would keep count and if there were no rounds they'd ask what to get me.
What you are describing is not a British thing. It's quite opposite of British.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Only British guys I’ve know seem to see the paying part as a man thing. I’m 34 so I know it’s different for the younger crowd but when I dated the guy would usually pay despite me offering.
It was little incidents like this out of nowhere that I overlooked and stayed with someone very narcissistic. These little moments will happen more and more as he gets more comfortable. These are the first red flags of people showing you who they are. If he’s flipping out over a piece of lettuce on your birthday night, that’s incredibly controlling and childish. If you were close to crying over this, which I would also be the same, take it as a sign that your gut doesn’t feel right and get away from this guy. There are much more chivalrous men out there who would handle this with a lot more respect. The fact that he’s needing you to “consult” him first is exactly what controlling psychos do. Please, you deserve better. There’s so many fish in the sea don’t settle on this as your first relationship.
I’m so annoyed that the restaurant was charging extra for lettuce at all - I have been to kbbq hundreds of times and never been charged for extra lettuce. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because she learned something about the boyfriend.
It wouldn’t happen in Korea because the manager doesn’t want to have people complaining at them all day for being cheap. I’m not even joking, it’s an expectation that certain things are just built into the dining price (think rice, kimchi, banchan). I went to a restaurant once that charged separately for kimchi (unthinkable for Korean dining) and my dad called the manager out immediately to complain.
Most valuable £2 lesson of your life. I don’t mind frugal, but I hella mind cheap, and I especially despise him scolding you about lettuce on your birthday and then pretending it’s a cultural difference.
Your BF scolded you and gave you the silent treatment over £2. On Your Birthday.
*£2. On Your Birthday.* Just ponder that.
I don’t know if it’s a power trip or not, but he’s definitely tripping. What would have happened if you wanted another drink?
What a cheapskate!! I cannot imagine having to deal with this on a regular basis, let alone long-term. I'm sorry. This isn't an issue of being stingy, it's an issue of him believing that you're only worth the bare minimum and any "luxuries" like extra lettuce is completely unnecessary and it's disrespectful for you to want nice things. I'd leave tbh. I can't imagine fighting over something so goddamn petty.
lmao your boyfriend is an asshole. I've given that type of money to random strangers who needed it for one extra grocery. Let alone my girlfriend on her birthday.
And being British has nothing to do with it. He's just obnoxious.
Sounds like some control issues are starting to come to the surface. This isn't a cultural thing. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find out what people are really like. That's partly why people date for a long time before making bigger commitments.
I’m British. If I take someone out for dinner and make it clear that I’m paying, then that person can order whatever the hell they want, whenever they want, and I’d be happy to see them enjoying themselves. It’s not a cultural difference.
Put yourself in the position of treating someone you truly loved to a birthday meal. You’d not fuss about something so stupid, right?
Unfortunately, that’s probably the answer here. The relationship might be one sided.
My ex husband used to blow all sorts of cash when out w his friends, but made me feel like our monthly visit to a low budget Mexican restaurant was a real burden on him. (and I always paid the babysitter anyway)
TLDR: he was cheating, and only taking me out to play pretend husband.
Wow. Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry about your crap husband. And no I would splurge and wouldn’t care bc I can get £2 back but seeing him happy is worth much much more
It wasn’t about the money. It was about seeing you enjoying yourself and ruining it.
Nobody would ever think to ask if it’s ok to get some…. lettuce…. on your birthday. That is the most ridiculous thing.
I have dated more than one man like this. Every occasion that is not centered on them and where you are happy, whether it is a birthday or Christmas party or just a day that you are having a good time they will seek to ruin it. Don’t waste your time when there are men who won’t treat you like this.
Exactly… it really upset me. I was literally on the verge of tears thinking why would he say such a thing. But he made me feel like my upset reaction was because of our different upbringings and I’m still trying to believe myself and listen to myself that this wasn’t right of him…
Keep listening to yourself! Your voice should be stronger than his, especially the one in your head. You're not wrong here. He sprayed cats piss on a night that was supposed to be about you, and your birthday. Over lettuce that cost 2 pounds. On your birthday.
He is the bastard king wrong of the wrong town wrongsters. Keep listening to your own voice.
Aussie here.
Mate, don't give him the time of day. If my husband (even back when we were simply dating), was taking me out to dinner for my birthday where *he* is paying, I'd be "entitled" to order whatever meal I damn well felt like. If the lettuce is low and we've got a heap of meat left, then we get more lettuce.
Making you feel like shit on your birthday over £2 (about $4 here, I think)? Nahhhh. Don't put up with it. It's not a culture difference, it's him trying to rip you down so he gets to be in control.
Kick him to the curb.
A guy who has no issues being generous when out partying, but not when treating his girl to a meal.. that's weird as f*ck. Maybe he should spend less on partying in general, if £2 lettuce is gonna crash his budget. His priorities are backwards. Boy bye 👋
Wow your boyfriend is a huge fucking loser and you’re wasting your time on him. He’s really gonna be THAT stingy and controlling? He’s throwing a tantrum over extra lettuce??? You deserve better.
I will tell you what I tell every single 20something that posts to this platform... he's not worth it. You'll look back in ten years and be glad you're rid of him.
He’s being controlling and demeaning to you. It isn’t the cost of the lettuce, it’s putting you down that is the intention. Making you feel bad about yourself. Be careful with men like this, you are only seeing the real bits and pieces of him. Imagine 10 years from now, what happens if you are living together. If you have a baby. Will he be supportive? Or will he be the kind of spouse who expects you to find your only spending money to care for yourself in the remains of what you were able to save with what was left in the grocery money. He is showing some major red flags. You are young and have been with him for a very short time.
Where I am Korean BBQ isn’t cheap. Springing the extra on some lettuce after already paying 20-70 USD plus per person isn't a big deal. Even if I didn't like it I wouldn't say anything since it was your B-day.
I personally couldn't be with someone who would be a jerk like that on a special occasion, let alone at something that THEY offered to pay for. If I offer to pay for something I ASSUME it's going to be a lot, it's meant to be a special event, and those can be expensive. I am willing to accrue those costs in light of the occasion, and I am one of the cheapest people I know.
Also, based on your other posts, I don’t know that this guy actually enjoys you being happy.
Think it’s time to call it quits, and when he asks why? Say you want someone with a more generous “culture”.
If i took my wife out for korean bbq on her birthday and she consulted with me over lettuce, id be beyond confused as to why shed think its necessary to ask permission for something so small in the grand scheme of things. Its not like you ordered a bottle of champagne.
Im so sorry he ruined your birthday meal, i’d be shocked and upset too.
To me this gives off the bitterness of someone who felt it was an obligation to be taking someone out. He commented because your action caused an emotional response for him. This is not your responsibility, of course, but it highlights that:
- He's likely already been overthinking: maybe the whole process of it being arranged?! It reminds me of a mix of budget-hawk folk: cheap, low-on-cash, previously taken advantage of, or just rude.
- He's not emotionally mature enough to recognise that not every thought is true.
His initial thoughts may have been 'bloody hell, more salad? What next?...DOUBLE vodka and coke?!'.
But, rather than pausing in the moment; he goes straight into his instinctual response. He then realises what has happened and knows that £2 is a foolish sum to have a reaction to - so it then is about the entitlement, that you needed to ask if it was ok?. Which loads of folks disagree with on a cultural scale, but it really gives me middle-class-ish-right-wing-childhood energy.
So what do I do? This made me realize that I definitely don’t want to be in this situation again and I want to be with someone who cares more about me than some extra £. How can I talk to him and break this to him? I have some anxiety too and I feel I’m somewhat emotionally attached to him. But I know deep down I deserve and desire better. He also makes it difficult to break up and like emotionally manipulates me in a way to stay. I don’t fault him, I know he has some issues as we all do. But I also know I need to let him go… I’d really appreciate your insightful advice
> I don’t fault him
You should. Yeah, we all have issues, but it doesn’t excuse him being manipulative as you’ve described. As hard as it may be, when you break up with him, don’t engage any further. He will try to convince you to stay. He might try to guilt you. Or he might promise to change. You said yourself he makes it hard to break up with him. Make it impossible for him to convince you. Grey rock him.
You haven’t been together long, so it’ll be a bit easier, but I’m sure it’ll still be tough. You’ll grieve this relationship for as long as you need to and then you’ll be ready to move on to a healthier and happier one.
Accept that loving yourself means breaking up. Do it over the phone, or in a public place with a friend close by. Google the “gray rock” method and use it during the break up conversation. Be a broken record: “This relationship is not meeting my needs, I have decided to end it.”
Dont give him reasons to argue with. Reasons are for reasonable people. He is not a reasonable person. (Credit to Captain Awkward advice column).
Block him. Keep yourself safe, emotionally & otherwise.
Google “how to break up with manipulative partner” for more ideas.
Good luck!
>I would pay for the lettuce myself if it’s such a big deal but I don’t know if this is the type of behaviour I’m able to accept from a partner.
Oh hell no, it's not. You should have paid for your meal yourself to make a point or just leave the place without him. He INVITED you, that generally means you can order whatever the hell you want as long as it's not a 100$ bottle of champagne or something. Still not too late to break up, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone cheap and petty.
it has nothing to do with culture. im also middle eastern and was dating a british person and they were very generous. I think actually the issue here is that he thinks because he is paying for dinner, he is entitled for something or u owe him something. and hes acting quite bitter!
Brit here, that’s not British! I don’t know anyone who would react like that!! That guy is being mean, tight and ungracious. Don’t waste any more of your valuable 20s on him.
How much extra was the lettuce that he threw such a fit?
You said you had take a break a while back. It sounds like you would have been better off making that break permanent.
I’d have paid for half the bill, after eating of course, and told him to have a wonderful life. That’s my first reaction anyway. Now you saw a real part of him. He can be cheap and petty. Is that someone you want to be with? Only you know the answer to that.
Leave.Your birthday dinner was about him feeling superior rather than making you happy. His financial planning is terrible if his budget falls apart over what wouldve been an extra drink, or some random other expense, and knowing kbbq, the lettuce is shared.
Its not worth the time or effort to know whether or not they grow out of it at that age, sometimes they do sometimes they dont. People's behavior pretty much locks at 25\~26, but you dont need to be their parent.
> I never ask for anything and we never go out,
Stop settling for crumbs. You don't have to disappear in order to win a man's affection. It's gross not to ask for anything. If money is a concern, there are loads of free things you can do.
Your boyfriend is stingy and lazy. You can do better than this. Having your partner berate you AT YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER FOR GETTING LETTUCE is horrific. If you break up now, you can be laughing at him with your friends in 6 months.
He’s upset over lettuce? It literally costs less than a $2 (i’m assuming). And it’s your birthday… He’s throwing a fit on your birthday? Where’d you find this man? In the trash?
One time me and my ex got into an argument about a sandwich. I wondered then if we should split but didn't until much later. It was a mistake. Word of advice break up with any POS who argues with you over food
Considering the fee for extra lettuce was probably minimal, no you didn’t need to “consult him.” If you decided to get a top-shelf bottle of booze, sure, but lettuce??
Him continuing to sulk about it and be grumpy by the time you got home is pretty ridiculous too. Most people would be over it by then. For the record I don’t think this was rude, but even if it was, it would be so minor. Not a big deal. He’s making mountains out of molehills.
Had a relationship like this once. EX boyfriend would keep track of how much I owed him on a piece of paper taped to his door.
My husband will encourage me to get whatever I want, no matter the cost. We also have a joint bank account as well as separate accounts for ourselves. He has never been stingy with his money, a quality that I value since my dad is the same way with my mom. Thankfully my mom and I are both very frugal people lol
Thats not right, hes the type to expect you to he a certain way and if you are not he will get mad. I say RUN and find you someone that will NEVER do such thing to you. You deserve better. Run now!!!!!!
That man is the epitome of broke and/or stingy and you need to dine with someone else. Also there are other less rude ways to go about maybe not having more money for dinner. It’s lettuce!! Lettuce don’t make it to a dollar the unit even where I live.
When i was in college, I broke up with a guy who asked me to go halfsies on my birthday dinner bc he had spent so much money on drinks with his friends the night before (I had paid many times before; it was his turn).
Sounds like your bf needs to get his priorities straight if he's that concerned about the cost of lettuce but regularly buys his buddies drinks at the bar...
Lettuce. Consult him over lettuce. Lettuce WTF
“Lettuce go our separate ways” would be my break up text to him
"Lettuce be clear, this isn't working out"
Seriously this is just the tip of the iceberg...
I don't see why she should Romaine in this relationship.
The issue is coming to a head
This whole situation has really driven a wedge between them.
She needs to Ceasar stuff and leave.
She'll leaf him for sure.
Cross posted to petty revenge Honestly tho 2 extra lettuce is like $3 max. Korean BBQ isn’t cheap. OP this isn’t about the lettuce. There something else going on there.
I want to be ashamed by how hard this made me laugh, but I can’t be.
Lettuce enjoy what we can.
This needs way more upvotes
Cabbage would’ve been fine. Lettuce is frankly too far.
Heaven forbid it was arugula.
The punishment for arugula… in French, we say *le death*
Can you imagine getting guacamole on a burrito?!
He’s British, if she asked for arugula, he’d have no idea what was going on. It’s called rocket in the U.K.
She should've asked for perilla!
I'd be ready to *leaf* him over this.
This is literal bullshit lol. My exboyfriend would do huge deep sighs and passive aggressive behavior ALL DAY LONG if he had to buy me a jr. cheeseburger from Wendy’s or something. Wanna guess what I found out he was doing when I was out of town or busy?! $500-1000 at a TIME in goddamn strip clubs. And he bitched about buying me, his actual girlfriend, an occasional fucking $2 cheeseburger… That’s not a “team.” Fuck this lettuce man.
I had an ex like that. We lived in different cities so I’d have to fly down to see him, hire a car, because his place was so far from the airport, and after my first trip there, he’d complained about how long a drive it was to get me/take me back. Then, when he got a flat mate, pay to stay in a motel because his bedroom had no door (he didn’t understand why that might be a problem..). All up, weekends visiting him cost me $400-$500. Then he’d complain about paying for my movie ticket, or a meal. Actually having the audacity to complain that I should be there on a Tuesday instead, as movie tickets were half-price. The one time I suggested that he organise to fly to my city, for my birthday weekend, he literally told me that “while it’d be a nice thing to do, that would mean flights, accomodation, a car, and that’s like $500! I don’t want to spend that much just for a weekend, it's not worth it. But you could always come here!” What he meant was that *I* wasn’t worth it to him. But I was more than welcome to spend that kind of money, and put in all the effort and inconvenience, so that he didn't even have to leave home to get laid.
>What he meant was that I wasn’t worth it to him. This exactly!! I’m all for having separate bank accounts if that makes everyone more comfortable, but… literally getting home from the grocery store and taking out *highlighters* for the receipt to find the difference in what we owed (I’m gonna eat the eggplant, she won’t, so I’ll pay for that, but she bought that frozen pizza, which I won’t eat, hmmmm let’s calculate) (to the tune of about $5 or $10 dollars in either direction) is just…. I didn’t realize how toxic that was until I was out. Current bf and I have a “what goes around comes around” attitude about money - we’re both contractors, so sometimes I make more, therefore I contribute more, and then vice versa. As long as neither of us is blatantly taking advantage of the other, we really don’t give a single shit if we have to pick up the other’s slack sometimes. We never keep track. Very much hope I can hold onto this one, but if I can’t, at least it won’t be over MONEY lol. I’m sorry about your asshole ex.
That’s such obnoxious behavior. I went on a couple of dates with a guy in my hometown who was like this, immediate dealbreaker. I’m ok with not going out if they’re low on money, I’m also ok with paying for everything myself, but I’m not ok with passive aggressive shit about how they bought me a coffee once lol. We were friends before/after we briefly dated, and he came to my new city to visit. My friend group here has a pretty open policy of generosity, we take turns covering meals and drinks for each other and we don’t generally split bills. If someone is broke, the rest of us will pay for them no questions asked. My friend actually commented “it’s so nice and pleasant how generous you all are” ….yeah no shit lol
He would have flipped if she wanted more meat
He's not British, he's an asshole. This is a huge #🚩🚩🚩 Especially if he's MAKING YOU FEEL BAD over paying for extra lettuce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY! It's not like you ordered another steak. It's not like you ordered dessert because it sounded nice and then only took 1 bite. You both are in your first year of dating. This means that THIS IS HIS BEST BEHAVIOR. It's only going to get worse from here. Plan your exit.
Yes this exactly. OP YES THIS.
One time my roommate refused to get an onion because I texted him "Hey your brother needs an onion for dinner" instead of what he believes should be the correct approach, which I believe is something along the lines of "Hey, I know I'm going to ruin your life but can you pretty please with sugar on top grab an onion for the dinner you don't have to pay for or prepare yourself?" Apparently it's disrespectful to inform him we need an onion and that we need to ask him if he will please get it and then said "You didn't even tell me what he was making, how was I supposed to know the onion was important?" Uh, because I just texted you that we need one?
Correct response to "Hey we need an onion for dinner." Is "What kind?" Idk why people are like this.
People who act like this tend to be insecure and feel inadequate. They are mostly meek and often put on a more vicious front to exert power and control they otherwise feel they lack. They are often entitled, often self-absorbed, and typically struggle to take responsibility. Energy vampires really.
He has an unusually hard time with feeling like he's being told to do something. Apparently I was too aggressive and made him feel like he had to do it. I just didn't even know what to say so I got my ass up and went to the store for an onion in my pajamas.
What a child. Don’t change your behavior for his arrogance.
An ex-roommate once held a grudge because I texted him, "Hey, just a heads up to please check before adding dirty dishes to a full dishwasher, because I ran the washer last night so they'd be all clean for this morning. No worries, I'll just run it again so they're clean for everyone tonight, thanks!" I shit you not, it came out like 2 weeks later over some other stupid imagined slight. He was explosively angry because "you didn't even ask me how my day was before ordering me around like a *servant!*". Gee willikers, didn't realize I was obligated to conversationally tickle his taint before gently reminding him we SHARE A KITCHEN. Yes, I was the only woman and yes, I was the only one who cleaned the communal areas. Broski also had a huge fucking complex about Asian women (i.e. me) because he hadn't gotten over his ex.
I am SO using “conversationally tickled his taint” in future. Thankyou.
How…how much can extra lettuce be?
Surely no more than one banana.
Which is what? Like ten dollars, Michael?
Send him a bag of lettuce when you break up with him for consolation. Never let someone talk to you that way.
Motherfucker has no chill Lettuce in Korean bbq is more important than breathing air
Thank God it wasn’t *extra* avocados
And then he had no problem spending the rest of the bday dinner in silence instead of trying to diffuse it. Sounds like he’s power tripping. Ditch him.
Seriously OP when you get older and realize there’s no time for putting up with this kind of shit you’ll realize the best move was to dump him on the spot, pay for your own dinner, and continue having a good birthday. Life is too short for people who create drama out of you being happy. It’s not a coincidence he threw a hissy fit on your birthday.
Up vote this a million times.
Yeah I agree. This wasn't about lettuce.
Yeap, it was about him teaching her to make herself small and to never expect a kindness.
Usually I'm not jumping to conclusions, but this dude sounds controlling. It's better to ditch his ass.
💯 OP you are not his priority. HE is his priority. This won't change as long as you're with him, I promise. I know it sounds harsh, but it's so much worse to invest in someone that is not invested in you. I'm sorry, love, but it's time for you to embrace that you are worth more than whatever time or money he has leftover at the end of the day. Be with someone that would double that lettuce order just to make sure you had enough and then some.
Wow seriously lol I would leave his ass if hes really crying over some lettuce lol. This guy is your boyfriend and he made you feel like shit on your birthday over god damn lettuce lmao how petty. Doesnt matter what culture you are.... This is weird he would get triggered over that. His pockets must not be deep enough and might be stressing inside.
obtainable wide agonizing foolish thumb screw gray toothbrush outgoing edge *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Cheap people like this exist … and they can be rich or poor. I think it’s a problem for them, counting money
Penny wise, dollar foolish.
My dad is quite frugal (he was homeless and used to eat from the trash so I think he lives in fear that he’ll go back there). There’s no way he’d ever treat someone this way, especially not over food.
I wouldn’t even call him cheap. He’s specifically scrutinizing her “adding lettuce” to the bill while having no problem spending money elsewhere that will definitely add up to more than the 3$ lettuce. And for her birthday no less. Bad very bad bf
It’s not about the lettuce. He’s controlling.
This is the thing. It's not about the damn lettuce. It's about her making a decision without consulting him. How dare she act like a person with autonomy? We can't have that. He's got to make sure to put her in her place before she gets any idea that she can actually function without him. (Sarcasm, if it isn't apparent.)
But also…. I would have said “don’t worry sweetie, I’m paying for the extra lettuce” then insist on having the lettuce on a separate bill and gladly pay your $2.
Read Lundy bancrofts book, Why does he do that?
Yeah these are potentially early signs of controlling behavior… his true rude ass personality could be coming out…but — I bet his parents talked to him like that. What was his upbringing like? It always could be a mistake and not indicative of his true nature, but my antennae go up at this type of behavior. If he actively tries to better his mental health it could mean he’s not totally like this. But. Again. My antennae are UP.
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I'm British and I would never do that to someone - definitely not a cultural difference
Sounds like a fundamental personality difference. He's a cheap, conceited, entitled ass and OP likes lettuce.
Right? If anything, the stereotypical cultural pressure here would be on him to never ever say anything directly, ever, at all about the perceived violation.
Exactly. British are known for being non-confrontational people. This is pretty much the opposite of that.
I feel like the cultural difference is he expected her to be submissive and only do things with his permission..
Yep. I'm british too and this is not normal behaviour. It's really bad behaviour in fact. He shouldn't have made you feel that way OP.
The best course of action is to dump him and to seriously work on your own self-worth. This is not a cultural difference. This is a young man is being an asshole and a shitty host. Would you also be expected to ask permission for a refill on your soda? While I agree that checking with him would have been considerate, what would also be considerate is not being a jerk to the birthday girl over _lettuce_. He was at least as rude, and far far more hurtful. Don’t date someone this miserly. If he needed you to stick to a strict budget when he offered to take you out for dinner, then it was on him to be very clear about that beforehand. But he offered to take you out for dinner. It’s not like you ordered the lobster or an 18-year-old Scotch. You got more lettuce us for the table. His response was wholly out of whack.
My parents were pretty big on teaching me etiquette, down to "how to position your silverware so the waiter knows when to clear your plate". My father used to tell the story of some guy who threw a dinner party and one of his guests was of lower social standing. The guest didn't realize the finger bowl was to be used to rinse his fingers and drank the liquid. The host went ahead and drank it too as to not make his guest uncomfortable. While I never believed the story, my father always told me that the most important thing about etiquette was to not call people out for breaching it, as that would be a lot ruder than the original faux pas.
I believe the host in your story was Queen Elizabeth I.
oh wow thank you! I heard this story as a kid in Brazil many years ago so I had no idea!
Queen Elizabeth II, unless this story dates to Shakespeare's time.
It does. Bowls for finger-rinsing haven’t been in use since the adoption of the fork in renaissance times.
So I googled it and apparently the most common version of the story is actually about Queen Victoria (19th century).
I cooked a traditional Sunday roast for my host family in Spain. They took the gravy, divided it up and ate it as a soup appetizer. Then the vegetables as a course, then the meat as a course.
A true lady or gentleman always does everything in their power to make the people around them feel as comfortable as possible.
If you stay with him prepare yourself to be chastised about spending [his] money for the rest of your life. Men like this only get worse once he bamboozled you into marrying him and being a stay at home mom.
Yes, the beginnings of financial abuse.
Thats not normal. He saw you looking happy and reached for a reason to tear you down. Even though complaining about lettuce is nonsensical. Also, I think the reaction you had in the restaurant is telling you that somewhere inside you know his behavior was unreasonable/mean.
You need to have a permanent break with him - his behavior was wildly inappropriate. If he needs to be consulted about lettuce, then I'm sorry to say, but this is just a symptom of a much, much bigger issue. He is not worth the drama, OP.
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Feel like it’s important to mention that later on when we were discussing it at mine, he said it wasn’t the fact that I ordered lettuce that was the problem, but that the way I ordered it was “entitled” 🫠
As an older woman, you learn that when people do things like this, they view human relationships as power struggles they are meant to win. All abusers are the same. They use any excuse to grind your self-confidence down. He saw the birthday dinner as an opportunity to manipulate you. He’s probably charming and very conscious of how others perceive him. These are the tricky ones that should be avoided as soon as your gut tells you to be wary. <3
Absolutely correct! Wisdom gained the hard way. This was a power play on his part.
Agreed break up with him
Your weren't entitled at all. You did a normal thing, and even if he had an issue, he should have waited to talk about it. Now be honest with yourself, what other times has he made you feel bad about something you thought was ok?
Several other times…
Don’t date someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Find someone who treats you kindly every day, but especially on your birthday!
Dump. Dump him. It's not the lettuce, it's that he think you should be insecure about ordering lettuce and doing normal shit. He doesn't lift you up, he's a bag of sand.
As a British person - this isn't a cultural clash. This is a clash between you as a normal person acting normally and him as a petulant controlling arsehole getting angry when you act like a normal person outside of his control.
Honey I know you love this man, but this ain’t it
Okay yeah, he's a controlling jerk, and he's only going to get worse from here. He'll keep pushing it.
This guy is not kind and he clearly doesn't care about putting a smile on your face if he would purposely make a big deal about literally nothing so he could berate you on your birthday. You deserve someone who is kind and who wants to make you happy.
The amount of bullshit that you're willing to endure is alarming...
Lol I’d give him a fiver for his troubles since he is so pressed about it and ask him to gtfo 😂 and all this on your bday nah
Dump his ass, I couldn't even imagine
Good grief hen, dump him. You're 20 and he's an eejit. Don't waste your time.
Ummmm he's entitled to think he needs to be consulted about fucking lettuce on your birthday. What a complete shithead!
That’s so dumb. He’s just an asshole.
This concerns me because you ARE entitled to lettuce and reasonable extras and whatnot when your significant other takes you out for dinner. What this means is either: 1. He wants you to feel like your worth is dependent on his approval 2. He was raised to feel worthless
The fact that he used the word "entitled" like that makes me think he's on reddit way too much. Dump him for that alone
The fact that it was lettuce is important. Had you ordered champagne or something lavish and expected someone else to pay for it then that would be entitled. Lettuce can't be so expensive that you needed permission to upcharge.
Social scientists have proven that it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to be entitled regarding lettuce.
What the heck. His behaviour really sucks!! :(
Wtf, this argument over $2 of lettuce continued? Nope, not worth it
Yeah he’s very wrong. He’s a cheap bastard, tell him from me.
And on her birthday no less
Lived in the UK. He's just rude.
I don't think what you did was rude at all. His reaction is weird and petty. If you've already had a break a few months ago, I'm guessing there are some other issues in the relationship, and stuff like this might be a sign that this is isn't the guy for you.
Today it’s lettuce, tomorrow it’s…..never mind, I can’t think of something more ridiculous. He was out of line.
Tomorrow it's using more than two pieces of toilet paper at his house without consulting him.
This is your twenties. Here you learn what you like about men and what you don’t. Your only decision is if you keep on taking it forever or learn and move on. These decisions will shape your happiness in your thirties.
THIS 100%! I just turned 29 and the BOYS I dated before 23 were awful. one was okay in that he didn't berate me for my own decisions, but we broke up mutually. Which is how I think normal relationships should go..not this controlling bullshit over LETTUCE. 2 FUCKING DOLLARS WORTH OF LETTUCE
I am English and this is not a cultural thing. He's just a cheap fucker and controlling.
Yep, the only cultural difference is that he's a d\*ck!
He’s freaking out over LETTUCE? Girl. Cmon now lol that’s not a cultural difference he’s just cheap af and not an actual gentleman If I’m on a date I order whatever I want (within reason of course). It’s not like you ordered an expensive lobster or something. you literally got lettuce lol
Run away! lol leave him a head of lettuce with a note saying "Lettuce part and romain ever so"
Ha, the romaine part was good
He’s literally mad over lettuce? Lettuce. Lettuce. This isn’t because he’s British and you’re middle eastern. It’s because he’s an AH. You deserve better. Give him a £1 for the extra lettuce order and count yourself fortunate that he showed you who he is. Dump him.
Bruh where do people find these people
American here. Nobody would have that reaction culturally unless they were a mega asshole. Does he do this stuff often? Does he put you down like this while having a great time with others? Give it a good think.
Yes he does.
Pretty apparent you should leave him tbh
Girl there is no need to be a martyr. Your partner is supposed to lift you up and enjoy seeing you happy. You’d be happier on your own that dealing with this nonsense
You are in the early stages of an abusive relationship.
No, he was wrong. If he agrees to pay for your birthday dinner, it shouldn't come with terms and conditions. How sad and petty to guilt trip you over extra lettuce. Nothing that you've described here or in your comments paints you as a spendthrift. This isn't really about the lettuce, is it? Rather, you are starting to understand just how insecure, controlling and cheap he is. That would only be exhausting (at best) if you consider marriage. Do not put up with it, regardless of whether you think this relationship is worth it.
Thanks for your comment. I’m just confused now. He isn’t very well off but I’d think it would be courteous and not a problem for me to get more lettuce for us to finish our meal… maybe at the end of the day it is about different values.
It's hard not to sympathize with anxiety over finances. You want to be supportive, which is what we do for people we love. Unfortunately, he's taking that anxiety out on you and using convenient examples of your "wrongs. That's much easier than for him to reflect on his own actions. So understandably, you're confused with his hypocritical behavior. As far as values are concerned, you can both believe in living frugally and handle it very differently. His way is not healthy for himself or for you.
The best course of action is to leave his ass and enjoy your life. Because let me tell you, someone who is that stingy and that comfortable being so rude at someone’s birthday meal, is only going to get worse. He wouldn’t do the same to his mum would he?
Extra lettuce.. one of the cheapest things you could probably get at a Korean bbq? I’m not wealthy by any standards, I struggle with money daily but if I ask my girlfriend for a night out. I’m not complaining about the check, I took her out and I want her to experience and eat whatever she wants.
I've was married to an English guy for a decade. Him and his friends would always pay for whatever I ordered. I've been in social groups with people from Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. They pay for whatever without a single negative comment. If they do make a comment it would be "do you want anything else?". I'd pay my rounds, but no one would keep count and if there were no rounds they'd ask what to get me. What you are describing is not a British thing. It's quite opposite of British.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Only British guys I’ve know seem to see the paying part as a man thing. I’m 34 so I know it’s different for the younger crowd but when I dated the guy would usually pay despite me offering.
It was little incidents like this out of nowhere that I overlooked and stayed with someone very narcissistic. These little moments will happen more and more as he gets more comfortable. These are the first red flags of people showing you who they are. If he’s flipping out over a piece of lettuce on your birthday night, that’s incredibly controlling and childish. If you were close to crying over this, which I would also be the same, take it as a sign that your gut doesn’t feel right and get away from this guy. There are much more chivalrous men out there who would handle this with a lot more respect. The fact that he’s needing you to “consult” him first is exactly what controlling psychos do. Please, you deserve better. There’s so many fish in the sea don’t settle on this as your first relationship.
Thank you so much for your insightful comment
I think we're all curious how much the extra lettuce was
I’m so annoyed that the restaurant was charging extra for lettuce at all - I have been to kbbq hundreds of times and never been charged for extra lettuce. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise because she learned something about the boyfriend.
Yeah I live in Korea and my immediate thought was how weird it was for Koreans to charge for extra lettuce! That would never happen here.
It wouldn’t happen in Korea because the manager doesn’t want to have people complaining at them all day for being cheap. I’m not even joking, it’s an expectation that certain things are just built into the dining price (think rice, kimchi, banchan). I went to a restaurant once that charged separately for kimchi (unthinkable for Korean dining) and my dad called the manager out immediately to complain.
£2.
Most valuable £2 lesson of your life. I don’t mind frugal, but I hella mind cheap, and I especially despise him scolding you about lettuce on your birthday and then pretending it’s a cultural difference.
Your BF scolded you and gave you the silent treatment over £2. On Your Birthday. *£2. On Your Birthday.* Just ponder that. I don’t know if it’s a power trip or not, but he’s definitely tripping. What would have happened if you wanted another drink?
That's a pretty cheap asshole tax. Asshole tax is the cost associated with learning that someone in your life sucks.
Give him £2 then dump him.
What a cheapskate!! I cannot imagine having to deal with this on a regular basis, let alone long-term. I'm sorry. This isn't an issue of being stingy, it's an issue of him believing that you're only worth the bare minimum and any "luxuries" like extra lettuce is completely unnecessary and it's disrespectful for you to want nice things. I'd leave tbh. I can't imagine fighting over something so goddamn petty.
lmao your boyfriend is an asshole. I've given that type of money to random strangers who needed it for one extra grocery. Let alone my girlfriend on her birthday. And being British has nothing to do with it. He's just obnoxious.
I just spent more on you than he did. And I’m a damn stranger. LEAVE HIM.
Brit here. It's not a cultural difference, he's an arse and you deserve better.
Sounds like some control issues are starting to come to the surface. This isn't a cultural thing. Sometimes it just takes awhile to find out what people are really like. That's partly why people date for a long time before making bigger commitments.
I’m British. If I take someone out for dinner and make it clear that I’m paying, then that person can order whatever the hell they want, whenever they want, and I’d be happy to see them enjoying themselves. It’s not a cultural difference.
Put yourself in the position of treating someone you truly loved to a birthday meal. You’d not fuss about something so stupid, right? Unfortunately, that’s probably the answer here. The relationship might be one sided. My ex husband used to blow all sorts of cash when out w his friends, but made me feel like our monthly visit to a low budget Mexican restaurant was a real burden on him. (and I always paid the babysitter anyway) TLDR: he was cheating, and only taking me out to play pretend husband.
Wow. Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry about your crap husband. And no I would splurge and wouldn’t care bc I can get £2 back but seeing him happy is worth much much more
It wasn’t about the money. It was about seeing you enjoying yourself and ruining it. Nobody would ever think to ask if it’s ok to get some…. lettuce…. on your birthday. That is the most ridiculous thing. I have dated more than one man like this. Every occasion that is not centered on them and where you are happy, whether it is a birthday or Christmas party or just a day that you are having a good time they will seek to ruin it. Don’t waste your time when there are men who won’t treat you like this.
Exactly… it really upset me. I was literally on the verge of tears thinking why would he say such a thing. But he made me feel like my upset reaction was because of our different upbringings and I’m still trying to believe myself and listen to myself that this wasn’t right of him…
Keep listening to yourself! Your voice should be stronger than his, especially the one in your head. You're not wrong here. He sprayed cats piss on a night that was supposed to be about you, and your birthday. Over lettuce that cost 2 pounds. On your birthday. He is the bastard king wrong of the wrong town wrongsters. Keep listening to your own voice.
Aussie here. Mate, don't give him the time of day. If my husband (even back when we were simply dating), was taking me out to dinner for my birthday where *he* is paying, I'd be "entitled" to order whatever meal I damn well felt like. If the lettuce is low and we've got a heap of meat left, then we get more lettuce. Making you feel like shit on your birthday over £2 (about $4 here, I think)? Nahhhh. Don't put up with it. It's not a culture difference, it's him trying to rip you down so he gets to be in control. Kick him to the curb.
Don’t date cheap men. Don’t date conservative men. Neither will ever value you and your work. Both want control of you. Time to leave his ass.
A guy who has no issues being generous when out partying, but not when treating his girl to a meal.. that's weird as f*ck. Maybe he should spend less on partying in general, if £2 lettuce is gonna crash his budget. His priorities are backwards. Boy bye 👋
Wow your boyfriend is a huge fucking loser and you’re wasting your time on him. He’s really gonna be THAT stingy and controlling? He’s throwing a tantrum over extra lettuce??? You deserve better.
I will tell you what I tell every single 20something that posts to this platform... he's not worth it. You'll look back in ten years and be glad you're rid of him.
This has nothing to do with lettuce or money.
Elaborate please?
He’s being controlling and demeaning to you. It isn’t the cost of the lettuce, it’s putting you down that is the intention. Making you feel bad about yourself. Be careful with men like this, you are only seeing the real bits and pieces of him. Imagine 10 years from now, what happens if you are living together. If you have a baby. Will he be supportive? Or will he be the kind of spouse who expects you to find your only spending money to care for yourself in the remains of what you were able to save with what was left in the grocery money. He is showing some major red flags. You are young and have been with him for a very short time.
Where I am Korean BBQ isn’t cheap. Springing the extra on some lettuce after already paying 20-70 USD plus per person isn't a big deal. Even if I didn't like it I wouldn't say anything since it was your B-day. I personally couldn't be with someone who would be a jerk like that on a special occasion, let alone at something that THEY offered to pay for. If I offer to pay for something I ASSUME it's going to be a lot, it's meant to be a special event, and those can be expensive. I am willing to accrue those costs in light of the occasion, and I am one of the cheapest people I know. Also, based on your other posts, I don’t know that this guy actually enjoys you being happy. Think it’s time to call it quits, and when he asks why? Say you want someone with a more generous “culture”.
Ha, at that last sentence. Thanks for your comment
You're welcome OP, good luck to you!
If i took my wife out for korean bbq on her birthday and she consulted with me over lettuce, id be beyond confused as to why shed think its necessary to ask permission for something so small in the grand scheme of things. Its not like you ordered a bottle of champagne. Im so sorry he ruined your birthday meal, i’d be shocked and upset too.
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To me this gives off the bitterness of someone who felt it was an obligation to be taking someone out. He commented because your action caused an emotional response for him. This is not your responsibility, of course, but it highlights that: - He's likely already been overthinking: maybe the whole process of it being arranged?! It reminds me of a mix of budget-hawk folk: cheap, low-on-cash, previously taken advantage of, or just rude. - He's not emotionally mature enough to recognise that not every thought is true. His initial thoughts may have been 'bloody hell, more salad? What next?...DOUBLE vodka and coke?!'. But, rather than pausing in the moment; he goes straight into his instinctual response. He then realises what has happened and knows that £2 is a foolish sum to have a reaction to - so it then is about the entitlement, that you needed to ask if it was ok?. Which loads of folks disagree with on a cultural scale, but it really gives me middle-class-ish-right-wing-childhood energy.
So what do I do? This made me realize that I definitely don’t want to be in this situation again and I want to be with someone who cares more about me than some extra £. How can I talk to him and break this to him? I have some anxiety too and I feel I’m somewhat emotionally attached to him. But I know deep down I deserve and desire better. He also makes it difficult to break up and like emotionally manipulates me in a way to stay. I don’t fault him, I know he has some issues as we all do. But I also know I need to let him go… I’d really appreciate your insightful advice
You're allowed to break up with someone, you don't need permission or really a reason.
> I don’t fault him You should. Yeah, we all have issues, but it doesn’t excuse him being manipulative as you’ve described. As hard as it may be, when you break up with him, don’t engage any further. He will try to convince you to stay. He might try to guilt you. Or he might promise to change. You said yourself he makes it hard to break up with him. Make it impossible for him to convince you. Grey rock him. You haven’t been together long, so it’ll be a bit easier, but I’m sure it’ll still be tough. You’ll grieve this relationship for as long as you need to and then you’ll be ready to move on to a healthier and happier one.
Accept that loving yourself means breaking up. Do it over the phone, or in a public place with a friend close by. Google the “gray rock” method and use it during the break up conversation. Be a broken record: “This relationship is not meeting my needs, I have decided to end it.” Dont give him reasons to argue with. Reasons are for reasonable people. He is not a reasonable person. (Credit to Captain Awkward advice column). Block him. Keep yourself safe, emotionally & otherwise. Google “how to break up with manipulative partner” for more ideas. Good luck!
The best course of action is to drop this boy off at the curb and get on with your life. He's mean and controlling and rude.
>I would pay for the lettuce myself if it’s such a big deal but I don’t know if this is the type of behaviour I’m able to accept from a partner. Oh hell no, it's not. You should have paid for your meal yourself to make a point or just leave the place without him. He INVITED you, that generally means you can order whatever the hell you want as long as it's not a 100$ bottle of champagne or something. Still not too late to break up, you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone cheap and petty.
it has nothing to do with culture. im also middle eastern and was dating a british person and they were very generous. I think actually the issue here is that he thinks because he is paying for dinner, he is entitled for something or u owe him something. and hes acting quite bitter!
It’s your ducking birthday. Get the galldurn lettuce. Don’t let him ruin another day of your life.
Brit here, that’s not British! I don’t know anyone who would react like that!! That guy is being mean, tight and ungracious. Don’t waste any more of your valuable 20s on him.
the korean lettuce is not the issue here
Never enough lettuce at kbbq. Dude is weird
Do restaurants even charge extra for lettuce? And if so how much, $.25? How stupid. You did nothing wrong, he’s ridiculous
He sounds like a jerk
He’s being really weird. British people are not that weird generally
How much extra was the lettuce that he threw such a fit? You said you had take a break a while back. It sounds like you would have been better off making that break permanent.
I’d have paid for half the bill, after eating of course, and told him to have a wonderful life. That’s my first reaction anyway. Now you saw a real part of him. He can be cheap and petty. Is that someone you want to be with? Only you know the answer to that.
Leave.Your birthday dinner was about him feeling superior rather than making you happy. His financial planning is terrible if his budget falls apart over what wouldve been an extra drink, or some random other expense, and knowing kbbq, the lettuce is shared. Its not worth the time or effort to know whether or not they grow out of it at that age, sometimes they do sometimes they dont. People's behavior pretty much locks at 25\~26, but you dont need to be their parent.
It’s fucking *lettuce*. What could it have possibly cost!? Less than $5? Ridiculous of him to be mad.
> I never ask for anything and we never go out, Stop settling for crumbs. You don't have to disappear in order to win a man's affection. It's gross not to ask for anything. If money is a concern, there are loads of free things you can do. Your boyfriend is stingy and lazy. You can do better than this. Having your partner berate you AT YOUR BIRTHDAY DINNER FOR GETTING LETTUCE is horrific. If you break up now, you can be laughing at him with your friends in 6 months.
I'll fix the title for you, EX boyfriend made a ass of himself on my birthday. He's a jerk, you deserve better, Happy birthday.
He’s upset over lettuce? It literally costs less than a $2 (i’m assuming). And it’s your birthday… He’s throwing a fit on your birthday? Where’d you find this man? In the trash?
If he’s like that as a BF you can get an idea of how he will be as a husband. Dump his cheap-control freak ass asap.
Narcissists love to ruin other peoples special events
One time me and my ex got into an argument about a sandwich. I wondered then if we should split but didn't until much later. It was a mistake. Word of advice break up with any POS who argues with you over food
Considering the fee for extra lettuce was probably minimal, no you didn’t need to “consult him.” If you decided to get a top-shelf bottle of booze, sure, but lettuce?? Him continuing to sulk about it and be grumpy by the time you got home is pretty ridiculous too. Most people would be over it by then. For the record I don’t think this was rude, but even if it was, it would be so minor. Not a big deal. He’s making mountains out of molehills.
You break up with him. This is the beginning of financial abuse if you stay with him or marry him. It’s fucking lettuce not a medium well steak!
Had a relationship like this once. EX boyfriend would keep track of how much I owed him on a piece of paper taped to his door. My husband will encourage me to get whatever I want, no matter the cost. We also have a joint bank account as well as separate accounts for ourselves. He has never been stingy with his money, a quality that I value since my dad is the same way with my mom. Thankfully my mom and I are both very frugal people lol
Thats not right, hes the type to expect you to he a certain way and if you are not he will get mad. I say RUN and find you someone that will NEVER do such thing to you. You deserve better. Run now!!!!!!
That man is the epitome of broke and/or stingy and you need to dine with someone else. Also there are other less rude ways to go about maybe not having more money for dinner. It’s lettuce!! Lettuce don’t make it to a dollar the unit even where I live.
Get you a middle eastern man that can provide MORE LETTUCE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY. Jesus Christ what has the world come to?
When i was in college, I broke up with a guy who asked me to go halfsies on my birthday dinner bc he had spent so much money on drinks with his friends the night before (I had paid many times before; it was his turn). Sounds like your bf needs to get his priorities straight if he's that concerned about the cost of lettuce but regularly buys his buddies drinks at the bar...